All language subtitles for Im.Dying.Up.Here.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[Adam] Previously
on I'm Dying Up Here...

He's barely breathing.
Call an ambulance.

[Edgar] Of all the graves
I've pissed on,

this'd be the least satisfying.

The fuck are you doing?

You're a sad fucking excuse
for a son!

What is your plan for me here?

I'm killing it every night
in the Cellar.

All right?
I need the Main Stage.

- What do you want?
- A business partner.

If you could get Pryor
to play my club--

What I am proposing
is that we build our own Pryor.

[Roy]
You want me to represent you?

You're gonna dump the broad,
clean up your act.

That's my offer.

[Ron]
He wants me to audition

for a guest role
on one of his sitcoms next week.

- Hey!
- [screams]

They're sketches.
They're not exactly Shakespeare.

Got one of my girls
to rewrite it.

No, you don't hire writers.

No, not without consulting me.

Why can't you compromise
on something?

Because then I'd be you.

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really?
All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians
are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do
a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are you
doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right,
thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly
above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

[man] Sheppard and Berenson
take the draw at center ice.

Berenson wins the faceoff.
Back to Bergman

who fires it up the boards
to Bailey.

Bailey dumps it
into the Boston end

as Orr and Leduc
race to the corner.

Orr dishes it to Sims
as Berenson closes in.

Sims sends it up to O'Reilly
who crossed the red line.

He headmans it to Sheppard
who snaps one in on Rutherford

from the top of the faceoff dot
to the right of Rutherford.

Rutherford deflects it
into the corner

where Thommie Bergman
digs it out

and O'Reilly sends him
into the boards

with a bruising check.

Now Marcotte to center.

[Bill moaning]

Fuck yeah.

[phone ringing]

Shut up!
Shut up!

[ringing continues]

Fuck.

What?

[car horn honks]

- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?

You mind if I take all these?

I don't see a nickel from them.

That a friend of yours?

Not really.

Maybe that'll be you someday.

Ha-ha.
All right.

Hey, Chris.

Chris.

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

Think you lost something here.

There you go.

- Cool.
- That's for you.

Thanks, Arnie.

- All right, take care.
- Later, alligator.

[tools pounding and rattling]

Well?
You ain't said nothin'.

I don't know.

Kind of miss
the way it was before.

Empty?

Maybe.

At least it felt like me.

Let me let you in
on a little somethin'.

Nobody wants to go to a place
that feels like you.

[chuckles]

[Adam] I'll be damned.

Goldie, you did this?

You asked for the moon
and the stars.

We're building your rocket ship.

Right now, the Cellar is as hot
a draw as the Main Stage.

It's gonna get even more so
after this.

So starting tonight,
you get 30 minutes.

I can do that.
Yeah, I can do that.

You work it to a tight 45,
and we'll go Main Stage.

As a headliner?

You stay on course,

I'm guaranteeing you
Carson in a year.

Well, f--
Carson in a year, that--

You work my Cellar.
You do your homework.

Is that a promise?

Promise?

Santa Claus makes promises.

That's why he's always smiling.

People who make guarantees
never smile

because they know how much hard
fuckin' work it's gonna take.

I don't even--I don't--
I don't even know what to say.

I'm--
thank you, Goldie.

You think I did that
just for you?

- Probably not.
- I want to be perfectly

clear here, Adam.

There are two things
I will never do:

A, whisper in your ear,

and B, do something

that doesn't benefit me first.

You know what that makes me?

What?

The devil you know.

[Bill] Guys, you know when
you're dating someone new?

The conversation is simple.
It's easy, right?

You know,
it's harmless back story.

Like, oh, when you were six,
your cat had six kittens?

Neat. Wow.

Oh, you chipped a tooth
on a caramel apple?

Wow, that is interesting.

It's the conversational
equivalent of watching soccer.

It's boring as shit.

- What is Bill doing here?
- Killing it.

Yeah, where else
should he be?

Have you guys not heard
about his dad?

- What?
- He died last night.

- Heart attack.
- Shut the fuck up.

- His sister called me.
- Fuck.

- When's the funeral?
- Saturday.

But it doesn't matter,
because he's not going.

Really?

Not going to his own
father's funeral.

I mean, he's gotta, don't he?

Apparently, he don't gotta.

Guys, we have no answers
for all this stuff.

[Bill] You know,
we're totally at a loss.

We dream about the time

she went and talked
about that dumb cat

and her six kittens
that we never gave a fuck about.

You know when you go
to a Chinese restaurant,

you see a lot of Chinese people
eating there.

You think, "Hey, it's
probably a good restaurant."

You know,
"We should eat there."

How come that doesn't work
with other things?

Like if you go to a bar
and see that it's filled

with alcoholics,
you don't go,

"Hey, look at that guy
puking in the corner.

Maybe this is where we should
have a few drinks," right?

["Love in the City" by
John Stokes playing on radio]

♪♪

Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.

Then why aren't you laughing?

Because...

♪♪

You're not funny.

And I don't love you anymore.

I'm not gonna lie.

I think one might've
impacted the other.

[scoffs]

We just had sex.

Yeah, I know.
I was gonna leave a note,

but I felt like
this is more personal.

♪ Come to town ♪

You just gonna roll out here
with this shit?

Yeah. Dying's easy.

Family's hard.
Don't worry about me.

[Sully] When my Aunt Annie died,
I had a cousin

who flew 3,000 miles
to go the wake,

which made me look bad
'cause I lived a block away

and I missed it.

That is so weird,

knowing how much
you prioritize family.

Shouldn't you be chasing coyotes
and watching them shit

and then sifting through it
to find

your little cat's flea collar?

That was really--
that was hurtful.

Seriously, what's going on
with you and Betty?

Yeah, what the fuck is going on
with you and Betty?

No, no, no. Guys.

His father is dead.

Bill, this is your day.

Have you spoken
to anyone in your family

since your decision?

[scoffs] No.
Why would I?

My dad's dead.
It's very sad.

There's not much
I can do about it.

You can be there
for your family.

You can be there for your mom.

I have three brothers
and two sisters.

That's plenty of people to keep
her chardonnay glass full.

That is a lot of people if
they're just pouring chardonnay.

[laughs]

On that note,
it is late.

3 a.m. So...

[indistinct chatter]

[Ralph]
What are you talking about?

I pay every time.

[Sully]
Go to the funeral. Jesus.

Hey.

Let me guess.

- Susan.
- Yeah.

Well, she's worried about you.

Your whole family is concerned.

- You don't have to do this.
- Do what?

Act like you don't care.

You're angry, I--
believe me, I get it.

What happened...

was so dramatic and shocking.

A heart attack out of nowhere,
it's...

What are you doing?

I--what do you mean?

We're not that.
Don't do that, okay?

I'm not your job anymore.

Just because we don't
sleep together

doesn't mean that I don't
still care about you.

Yeah, well, do me a favor, Cass.
Don't.

[indistinct announcement
over PA]

[phone ringing]

[man]
You here for methadone?

[Nick]
Is that what this place is?

- [man] Funny.
- [Nick] Mm-hmm.

Say good-bye
to your heroin high.

Yeah.

I know you?

No.

You sure?

Look,
I don't want to be a dick,

but I'm kind of reading
something here, so...

I saw you on TV!

Carson, right?

I saw you.

You're hilarious.

That was you, right?

Yeah, that was me.

- Ah! Johnny fucking Carson.
- Yeah.

[woman] Nick Beverly.
Nick Beverly.

Well, I'm up.

Here's Johnny!
Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha.

Just going to get my methadone.

[man] Hey, this guy
was a fucking comedian

on The Tonight Show!
That's Nick Beatty.

[laughs]

[light applause]

[knocking on door]

Oh, hey.

Aw, come here.

That's right.

You sit down. Hmm?

- Drink?
- Sure.

My sister said you sent flowers.

I just wanted to say thank you.

My uncle Isaac died
of a heart attack

sitting on the sofa
watching football.

The Jets get the touchdown.

Didn't budge.

We should all go so quietly.

Wasn't a heart attack.

Suicide.

Oh, Jesus, Billy.

He gassed himself
in our garage.

♪ melancholy music ♪

He'd been depressed
for a while, so...

Fuckin' suicide.

♪♪

How're you holding up?

Your family?

- You know.
- No, I don't.

It's business as usual.

♪♪

My sister said
it was Japanese cars.

You know, my dad
had too much faith in GM.

He said Americans would
never buy a Jap car.

It'd been that way forever,
so why would it change?

He was always so fucking
sure of himself.

Death by lingchi.

By what?

- Lingchi.
- Mm-mm.

Death by a thousand cuts.

The Chinese,
they would execute people

by cutting off

little pieces of their flesh

piece by piece.

That's how Dad described
life in general.

Slow. Methodical.

The ultimate punishment.

♪♪

Punishment for what?

In my dad's case, hubris.

It kind of runs in the family.

Hey, Eddie.

- You happy here?
- I'd say I make a living,

but we both know
that's not true.

Always with joke.

Eddie, I like you, but, uh,
open comedy not really working.

Best for everyone to stop.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

It's just starting to catch on.

Four people sharing egg cream
for two hours

not really "catching on."

Think I'll go back
to having sister sing

American songs
about love and strife.

Grajca, please.
Please be patient, okay?

These things, they--
they take time to build.

Comedy's gonna be
a big draw here.

Trust me.
You'll make money.

I don't know.

Maybe need hire different host.

I'm the emcee.
I'm the host.

The whole freaking point
is that it's me.

Don't get me wrong.
You're funny.

For all of five minutes.

- Then, eh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying
that I don't have a tight 15?

Would you mind criticism?

You mean constructive criticism?

No, just criticism.

Tell joke more like,

"Da-da, da-da, da-da,
da-funny line.

Da-da, da-da, da-da,
da, funny line."

- You get?
- Yeah, Grajca, that's--

that's not really
my style, okay?

I'm not a "da, da-da, da-da, da"
type of comic, you know?

Everything is all,
"My parents don't love me.

I never have sex with woman.

I'm Jewish."

All so sad.

[Eddie] Okay.

I will
"da, da-da, da-da, da,"

but you just, you got
to let me keep the open mic.

- [sighs] Okay.
- Yeah?

Two nights.

Thank you, Grajca.

Tuesday and Wednesday.

But...those are
the two slowest nights.

What I need entertainment
for when it's busy?

If comedy make people come,

make come on nights when empty.

[sighs]

Cut the stand-up?

A little.

Look, it's hit or miss,

the girls going up alone
to the microphone,

but the sketches
are coming along fine.

Fred is happy.
Everybody's happy.

The girls are over the moon.

Stand-up is how this
whole thing originated.

Stand-up is what
this show is about.

Goldie, I get it, okay?

Look, it's always the same

at this stage of production.

Everybody's running around
like Chicken Little,

saying the sky is falling,
everything's going to shit,

but, and Eli
will back me up on this,

if you just stay calm
and you do your work,

everything's gonna
turn out all right, okay?

We do the sketches,
and we're working the stand-up,

what,
by the girls popping up,

doing their little
interstitial jokes.

It'll be just like Laugh-In.
Everybody wins.

What is this, 1970?
'Cause the last time I looked,

Laugh-In was headed
down the shitter.

Listen, your sets,

they're brighter
than the Sun's surface,

and there's a way
to make stand-up work.

We take one of the sets,

and we make an exact replica
of my stage.

And why would I do that?

You've been to Goldie's.

I put the focus on the comic.

It's dark, and the funny shines.

And that's where
the focus would lie, huh?

Make for a better show,

and then we can give
these comics

the five minutes each
that they signed up for.

Well, ain't you the hooker
with the heart of gold.

- [laughs]
- Goldie, people want to see

comedy in a comedy club,

they go to a club.

They don't want
to watch it on TV.

Sketches work.
It's been proven.

You're wrong.
Dead wrong.

Really?
I'm wrong?

Okay, and how many
Emmys do you have?

None, but if you air
these sketches,

I will not be asking my maid
to dust off the mantel shelves

any time soon.

Okay, okay.

Look. I think Marty's right.

Let's keep the stand-up
as it is,

with the girls popping up
every now and then.

They'll get plenty of time,
all right, and then maybe have

the writers take another
whack at the sketches

and let the girls
throw in their two cents.

Huh?

Okay?

[elevator dings]

I don't know what the hell
that was up there.

I mean, no matter
what's going on between us,

we got to be
on the same fuckin' page.

I am getting tired
of jumping on grenades

every time you open your mouth.

Why don't you try
listening for a change?

Well,
if someone had something

fucking intelligent to say,
I would.

Oh, right,
'cause you're the only one

with an opinion
that's worth anything.

Given your vast experience
with the television landscape,

we should all
just cock our heads

in your direction
every time a light bulb

pops up over your head.

- Hey--
- It's network television.

It's not your night club.

Okay? Just do your job.
Let them do theirs.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] All right,
ladies and gentlemen.

You ready for your next comic?

[cheers and applause]

You've seen this guy on Carson,

and now you're gonna
see him here.

The only difference is,
you are not in your pajamas

exhausted from begging
your wife for sex.

Ladies and gentlemen, big round
of applause for Nick Beverly!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you for that introduction,
my good friend,

uh, weird Mexican guy
whose name keeps changing.

Manny Martinez, everybody.
Let's keep it going, huh?

[applause]

So, my girlfriend

recently moved out.

She packed--

[muttering]
Fuck.

[man laughs]

Sorry.

As I was saying

before God stuck his finger
up my ass,

my girlfriend moved out
recently.

Just picked up
in the middle of the night.

That, or we were robbed,
and they only took her shit.

[scattered laughter]

It was probably time, though.

Our love life,
not so great.

You know it's not good
when your girlfriend refers

to having sex with you
as "taking one for the team."

[woman laughs]

Who was that?

Who laughed?

[woman laughs awkwardly]

What's your name?

Um, Robin.

Robin.

Don't.
Okay?

I would rather a woman fake
an orgasm than fake a laugh.

All right?

[chuckles nervously]

Ooh, Nietzsche was right, huh?

"When you look into an abyss,
the abyss also looks into you."

[chair creaking]

Thanks for coming.

You know Nietzsche, Robin?

[chuckles nervously]

Hey. It's okay.
It's okay.

It's not a test.

I was...
You have passed.

I am the one
who is up here failing.

Um...

♪ solemn music ♪

♪♪

It-it's okay.
Tell a joke.

Right.

♪♪

Um...

♪♪

"One must still have
chaos in oneself

to be able to give birth
to a dancing star."

I'm sorry, Robin.

[Edgar] Nick Beverly!

He is available
for kids' parties.

[laughter]

Don't forget to tip
your therapist, huh?

"The doorbell rings.

Bobby opens the door,

revealing a nervous
mailman, Benny,

who is now hyperventilating."

[breathing heavily]

"Neither rain
nor sleet nor hail's

supposed to stop
the U.S. Mail,

but nobody said
anything about...

[whispering]
black people."

"Something bothering you,
my man?"

"I'm sorry.
It's my first day on the job,

and nobody told me everyone
on my delivery route is--

[whispering]
black."

"Brother, you're not swearing.

You can say the word."

"I just don't want
to offend anyone."

"What are you talking about?
It's what we are.

- Black is the color--"
- All right. Okay.

I'm gonna-I'm gonna
stop you right there.

It would really help me
for the audition tomorrow

if you could do it a little...

You know, just put a little...

You know what I'm saying.

Just do a little--you know,
a little jive in there.

You know what I mean.

What the fuck
is "a little bit more jive"?

You know, just do it a little--

- Blacker.
- Blacker. Yeah.

Thank you.
[clears throat]

You know,
not like this angry black

you're doing right now,
but--

but, you know, like, okay,
for example, it's not,

"What are you talking about?"

It's,
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"

Who do you talk--
I'm doing it the way

that I would do it,
and I'm black.

But you're real-life black.

I need, like, like, TV black.

You know, like you're written
by a bunch of white Jewish guys.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Did you get stiffed by a busload
of blue hairs again?

Fucking Grajca's
cutting down the open mic

to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

So what's the bad news?

All right. Okay.

You're auditioning
for a bit part on a sitcom,

so let's just tone down
the arrogance a notch.

Hmm. I'll remember
this impertinence

when my TV paycheck
is floating your ass.

Are you really that delusional?

Do you think because
you might land a one-time part

that you're gonna be
taking care of me?

How about we start with you
taking care of you for a change?

Huh? How about we start there?

- I was fucking joking.
- Oh.

Jeez, Mary,
go pop a fucking Midol

and ride your cramps out
in the closet.

I'm busy manifesting here.

Oh, if you say
you manifested this,

I'm gonna kick the shit out
of you, just so you know.

I did. I manifested it.

All right.

You're dead.

Here we go.

You're dead.

- Come here, tough guy.
- Oh? Huh?

Don't fucking touch me.

Get the fuck out of here
with that shit.

♪ fast-paced jazz ♪

Ah!

Hey, I'm starting to feel
like this fight

was written
by white Jewish guys.

Kaufman, man.

This fucking guy.

Genius.

I saw him do
this busboy bit one time.

He was just yelling
at the customers,

like, flipping out.

Half the people were laughing,
half the people didn't know

what the fuck he was doing.
It was amazing.

We're all slaves to the joke,
right?

Not Kaufman.

That's probably why everyone
loves him so much.

[Cass] There's nothing in here.

Not a word.

Did they hate everything?

Oh, trust me.
They never even read your stuff.

Talking to these people,
it's like coaxing

a fucking mule
onto the expressway.

Sweetie.

Well, can't get
any worse, right?

Never underestimate
the aggressively untalented.

Ugh. Thank you.

You got anybody coming
to the, uh, taping?

Uh, any of the guys?

No. Bill doesn't want
anything to do with me.

He hates me.

Trust me,
it's not you Bill hates.

The whole thing with his dad.

Fucking terrible.

Ugh.

Heart attack.

It's just--
it's-it's just awful.

Yeah.

Funeral is on Saturday,
and I know Bill,

and I know what he's gonna do
to himself for not going.

Every one of these guys
is a high-wire act.

Falls are inevitable.

The best you can do
is help him back up there.

Well, he doesn't want my help.

[scoffs]
More than sex,

more than laughing
at their jokes

or telling them
how strong they are,

men want help.

Yeah? So then why do they act
so stoic and hard all the time,

like a fucking tear means

they're about to get
their period?

Eh, because that's
the way we like 'em.

Ugh.

Ain't that the fucking truth?

[laughs]

How's the stand-up coming?

Hmm? You got a tight five
for this show?

Fucked if I know.

Fucked if I know anything
at this point.

You know what Goldie's was
before it was a comedy club?

Some kind of performance space?

Yeah, we did plays, one-acts,
monologues, folk singers.

We even had an act
where a gal rode a guy

around a stage naked
for half an hour.

It was crazy times.

I ate, worked, and slept there.

Changed a lot of
Mandy's diapers there too.

Sid left when she was five,

and we bumped along
another five years,

and then I rolled the dice
on comedy.

After a while,
things did what they did.

The point being,

it didn't matter
whether I was ready or not.

Shit was happening
one way or another.

You ever wonder what
you would've done if,

you know, it failed?

Oh.

You mean like options?

[sighs]
Eh.

I guess.

You have options,
you have outs.

All I had was gut and survival.

Believe me, Cass.

The best thing
that ever happened to me

was getting painted
into that corner.

You'll be okay.

[Mike] So, how is it
amongst the living, Nick?

♪ mellow music ♪

You surviving?

'Bout it.

Three weeks now?

Mm-hmm.
Yesterday.

♪♪

Anything new come up as of late?

Meaning?

You know, getting clean.

Sometimes, when the fog lifts,

shit gets a little clearer.

Yeah, one thing's
a little clearer.

I'm...not funny anymore.

You rang?

I'm putting Adam up
at ten tomorrow night

in the Cellar.

30 minutes.

Double time.

You're emceeing down there
tomorrow night.

I thought you should know.

Anything else?

You tell me.

Well, based off what, Goldie?

A fucking article
in the Free Press?

Remember Skip Krake?

- Yeah.
- Jerry Korab?

And they were the next
hot fucking thing too.

I got to say, Ralph,
I'm kind of surprised.

I thought
you'd want to support the kid,

maybe even mentor him.

Why? 'Cause he black?

Well, partly.
Mostly because he needs it.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I already reached out,
and that motherfucker bit me.

But you know
what really burns my ass?

I been on this stage
most every night

since you opened this place.

Where is my fuckin' article?

Where's my hand up, huh?

And please don't give me
this bullshit

about Sonny and Cher.

I ain't talking no phone calls

where I make
somebody else funny.

Truly sorry, Ralph.

I had no idea
things were so tough.

I've done everything
that's ever been asked of me.

Motherfuckin' everything.

Ralph.

I got to admit,
I'm kind of lost.

Who exactly are
you railing against?

Oh, thank you.
You guys having a good time?

Yeah. Good, good.
Only 16 more comics to go.

All right, we're gonna have--

So you doing better?

A relative term.

Yeah, well, you look like shit.

It's a good thing.

Means you're doing the program.

Thanks for doing this.

Taking me back.

You can, uh, thank
your fairy godmother.

Anyways, the, uh,
the Mike Douglas Show,

they love you.

Doesn't that shoot in Philly?

Oh, they'll fly you out.

The people we're meeting first,
they're here.

We're having lunch
with them tomorrow.

- What do they know about--
- Nada.

You're as straight
as the Tin Man's dick,

as far as anyone's concerned.

Can you do me a favor?

God knows I owe you one.

I know you're going
through a lot of shit,

getting cleaned up, girlfriend,

but I need to see
a little bit more

than what's standing
in front of me.

Can you manage that?

You got it, Chief.

Excellent.

[sighs]

You seen Sully before?

Yes, I have.

Can you stop?

It's bad enough
we have to touch asses,

but when they rub,
it's too much.

Should I just call them?

[groans]
Jesus.

We've been through this.

They're probably dealing with
more important things

than your two-line part.

They'll probably call you
tomorrow.

Yeah, most likely
to say "no, thanks"

after you put the kibosh on it.

- Excuse me?
- You.

You unmanifested this job
for me.

That's not a word.

All my hard work manifesting

just...down the toilet

thanks to you,
Captain Negative.

Well,
I worked a double shift,

so I'm too tired to listen
to your goo-goo universe talk.

Yeah, right, like there's not
part of you that'll be happy

if I don't get this job.

Our asses
aren't even touching.

It's just
all the negativity in your ass,

it's like a magnet
sucking all the positive energy

I've been manifesting
out of my ass.

Ron...

did you ever think
that if you don't get the job,

it's because you didn't do
anything to earn it?

You didn't manifest anything
with your positive bullshit.

You got lucky.
You got an audition.

And now if it doesn't go
your way,

you want to point fingers,

claiming that somehow I caused
you not getting the part?

If you don't get the part,

it's because there was somebody
fuckin' better for the job.

End of fuckin' story.
Get used to it.

[Arnie] Hey! You two!

Either shut the fuck up
or get married!

[both] Fuck off!

Wait, you want my Chris?

Just for one night.

I'll pay him 20 bucks.

It's for a comedy bit.

An avant-garde comedy bit.

So, what, you're gonna make fun
of my son or something?

No, no, no.

Never. I promise.

He's gonna make fun of me.

How you doing, Chief?

- Figgy?
- Oh, yeah, I want a figgy.

- Cool.
- Been in a school play, right?

I think so.

- Yeah, cool.
- Mm-hmm.

[phone rings]

- Yeah?
- [Roy] Yeah.

When you see your Nick,

you can tell him
to go fuck himself.

Hold on.

Getting a pencil.

What'd he do?

We had a meeting with
the Mike Douglas people today.

All he had to do
was fucking show up.

Instead, no-show, and I'm stuck

with my dick in my hand,
looking like an asshole.

You couldn't come up
with an excuse?

Maybe I overestimated you
as an agent.

Ha-ha-ha.
Fuck you.

You're gonna have to get in line
like everybody else.

♪ lighthearted rock music ♪

Fucking cunt.

I look like family?

All I know is,
your mom wanted it out, pronto.

Can you sign?
I got to get going.

♪ The Band's
"It Makes No Difference" ♪

Look, fucking thing's cherry.

He obviously wanted you
to have it,

so why not enjoy it?

Fruits of his labor and shit.

♪ I can't get over you
and the flame still burns ♪

♪♪

[Ron] Yeah?

♪ It makes no difference ♪

Of course.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks for calling.

♪ The shadow never seems
to fade away ♪

♪ And the sun ♪

♪ Don't shine ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

[Eddie]
Uh, no, but I do enjoy sex.

I really do.

But what I enjoy most

is the sound of a woman
having sex.

Her all moaning and loud.

And me,

with a cup pressed
against the wall, listening.

[clears throat]

Uh, well, thank you.

You've been a very,
uh, lively crowd.

Have a good night.

♪♪

[clears throat]

♪♪

[slowly]
Eddie.

We're out of the brisket,

and the soup
is chicken and rice.

Oh, I didn't come here to eat.

I came here to pay you
for the joke I used.

- Stole.
- Stole.

And to make you an offer.

Now, look, you're a funny guy,

so I want you to write
more stuff for me.

Now, I'm gonna pay you
for everything I use.

5 bucks a joke.

Well, let me think about it.
Fuck you.

[chuckles]
Okay.

Look.
If you get over yourself...

Here's my card.

[schmaltzy guitar music playing
on radio]

♪♪

[Arnie] Okay.

So you're gonna help me out
with my act,

but nobody can know
that you're helping.

- It's a secret.
- Exactly.

- Do you know what heckling is?
- No.

It's when a comic's up on stage

and you say mean shit to him
to fuck with him.

- That's two swears.
- [laughs] Sorry.

So you want me
to yell mean things at you?

Yeah, but it's all pretend.

See, when I start talking,
you immediately yell,

"You suck!"
Or, "Get off the stage!"

Or whatever mean thing
you want to yell,

and then you just keep yelling
mean things out

until the end of the act.

Arnie, why is that funny?

Well, there's this guy
named Andy Kaufman.

He's a real genius.

He just comes on stage
and does weird stuff.

People love it.

So it's like that.

It's, uh, complicated.

- I can add fractions.
- Great!

So you know
what I'm talking about.

Definitely.

Fantastic.

That's why I date Jewish girls.

Seriously.

I love Jewish women.
I do.

But you know
what's a lot of pressure?

Being a white person's
only black friend.

No, no, no.
I'm being serious, y'all.

'Cause it's like,
you got to get used to

being shown off
like you're some possession

that makes them cooler.

[laughter]

"Oh, yes, this is my,
uh, my Mercedes-Benz.

And this over here is my
state-of-the-art sound system.

And if you look behind you--
don't get scared now--

that's my black friend,
Lamar."

"Hey, man, I'ma fuck your wife."

"Isn't he delightful?"

[laughter]

One thing I like to do
when I'm a white person's

only black friend is,
I like to...

give 'em misinformation,

you know,
just to fuck with 'em.

Say shit like, "Hey, you know,
when a black person

loses a baby tooth,
an adult tooth pops

right into place,
but then when they lose

that adult tooth,
a gold tooth, right there.

Just pops--"
It's like a rite of passage.

Look, smile, brother.

I told you.
See, it's not a joke.

Seriously. Another one--
ooh, another good one is

I like to say, "Hey, do you know
why all black dudes,

like, wear shower caps in the--"

Come on, man.
Give me five minutes.

Help a brother out.
You're cutting me off.

I'm trying to help
a brother off.

[all] Aww.

Thank you.
[laughs]

Adam Proteau!

[cheers and applause]

Comic to watch in '74...

You know, if you ain't
already got shit to do.

[laughs]

Time was up.
[laughs]

Anyway, look at you.
Looking delicious.

Girl, what's up?

Hey, how much longer you gonna
put up with this disrespect?

Now, listen,
my offer is still good, son.

You could be headlining
tomorrow night

at King Theodore's,
and ain't nobody

gonna cut you off then.
That's for damn sure.

What's the matter?
You want to say something?

No, I just think that it's best
if I stay here for now.

No, but thank you, though.
That's cool.

Oh, this is just because, um,

Goldie got you a picture
in the paper last week, huh?

Oh. Yeah, Free Press.
[laughs]

Good to know
that your picture's gonna be

gracing the bottom
of birdcages all over LA.

But you the only one
shittin' on it.

Meanwhile,
Goldie gave me double time,

30 minutes, so I'm cool.

Gives you double pay too?

Seem like she
gettin' the best of the deal.

All you got is a story
in a paper that nobody reads.

Chinese food, though.
It's a dog-eat-dog world, right?

I kid the Chinese.

Actually, uh,
I have a Chinese half-brother.

I don't see him much 'cause he's
been working on the railroads.

[Sully] What's going on?

[Cass] Arnie wanted us
to catch his set.

You ever go
to a Chinese restaurant

just 'cause you see
a bunch of Chinese people

eating there?

How come that doesn't work
with, uh, other things, right?

Like when you go to a bar

and see that it's filled
with alcoholics--

[laughing]

You don't go, "Hey, there's
a drunk puking in the corner.

Maybe this is where
we should get a few drinks."

- This is awful.
- I know.

I'm sorry, I just want to make
sure everyone gets the concept.

Arnie!

[laughs]

Yeah? Yeah?

[Chris laughing]

Arnie's dancing!

Not dancing.
What the fuck?

Did you not listen
to one word I said?

What the fuck is your problem?

What do you think
is his problem?

He's mentally handicapped,
you prick.

Fuck you, you fuckin'
four-eyed ham sandwich!

- Ha-ha!
- This is between me and him.

Yeah, very mature.
Fuck you, man!

Eat shit, you melted crayon.

Holy shit.

[both laughing]

- Oh, Arnie.
- What is he doing?

Is this really happening,
or am I back on heroin?

My wife's filing for divorce,
I haven't seen my son in a week,

and I'm on Ralph's couch,
and I still

wouldn't trade places
with Arnie right now.

Fuck you!
I have a sister

who's mentally disabled,
asshole.

Oh, yeah? I bet she fuckin'
brags about you too.

- [all] Oh!
- [both laughing]

Oh, my God.
Edgar, you're emceeing

this episode
of The Twilight Zone.

Get the fuck up there.

[Edgar] It would be easier
if I yelled "fire."

You know what? Your dad
didn't come in your mom,

he pissed inside her.

Yeah, I'm a piss baby, weirdo.

Get the fuck out of here!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

- I tripped on the chair leg.
- What the hell?

I'm so sorry.

Yay! Hey!

Keep it going for Arnie.

- [cheers and applause]
- [Edgar] Or not. Or not.

[woman]
Okay, I'll be right there.

I got it.
I got the job.

You got it?

Yeah, they called
this afternoon.

Um, I got to be in wardrobe
tomorrow at 8:00.

[laughs]

I'm-I'm really happy
for you, pal.

Thanks.

[laughs]

Why--
why don't you seem excited?

I don't know.

I mean, like you said,
it's just a bit part.

Like, you know,
then what after?

I'm just back to being
a doorman doing open mic.

It doesn't fuckin'...

I was being a douche bag.

I mean, this is a great thing.

Trust me.

Yeah?

Ron.

You're gonna be on TV.

That's fucking huge, man.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You know.

I'm gonna be on TV.
[laughs]

You-you hungry?
You want something to eat?

No, I can't, I got to go
meet an agent in a half-hour.

Really?
No shit.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,
Ernie set it up, so, um...

I'll just catch you
when you get home?

Yeah.
Yeah, sounds good.

- Okay.
- Yeah. [clears throat]

Hey. Um...

I didn't manifest any of this.

You did.

Did what?

All of it.

I mean, you manifested it.

I-I got this job because of you,

not in spite of you.

I mean, let's face it--
I am kind of a fuckup,

and you always make the tough
decisions for both of us,

so--
[clears throat]

Thank you.

♪ gentle music ♪

Wow.

I'm not used to sincere Ron.

Well, drink him in,
'cause he just left

with that last sentence.

♪♪

All right. I'll see you
back at the fart box, amigo.

♪♪

Wow.

Holy shit.

You lucky prick.

Ugh. My dad drives a shit box.

He might as well live to 100

for how I'm gonna make out.

- Right off the assembly line.
- It's beautiful, Bill.

You and your dad
tool around town in this a lot?

You shittin' me?

He bought this
when I was out here.

I went home two Christmases
in a row.

Never even sat in it.

No, this was all his,
and his alone.

Then how about
we make up for lost time,

you take us for a spin?

Sure, why the fuck not?

Not me. I got a 7:00 a.m.
sales call in Los Feliz.

Nick, aren't you going up soon?

Not by the looks of it.

Can I?

Your call.

- Bye.
- Bye.

["Better Step Outta Line"
by Rockin' Horse on radio]

♪♪

["I Want to be Free"
by Harry Krapsho on radio]

♪ I want to be free ♪

♪ Don't want no hands
tied behind my back ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't want nobody to tell me
about this ♪

You know this car's
three years old

and has just over
4,000 miles on it?

Can you believe that?

What, he just drive it
to church on Sunday?

I know.
It's crazy, right?

- My mom rode in it twice.
- [scoffs]

♪ About that
security-type job ♪

Whatever.

♪♪

♪ Oh, people ♪

♪ Don't ask too much to me ♪

♪ I just wanna be free ♪

♪♪

You sure you want to partake?

Does a bear shit
wherever the fuck he wants?

♪ I wanna be me ♪

Why didn't you go up tonight?

Fuck knows.

Didn't feel it.

[Cass] You're dealing with
more than your act, Nick.

I mean, quitting heroin, it's...

I think it's pretty brave, man.

Yeah, well.

♪ Sitting stale
on a dusty shelf ♪

♪♪

Book ain't been written yet.

[laughter]

[Ralph] So this might come
as a surprise

to you lovely white people,

but I was not a fan
of the Civil Rights Act.

I loved having our own bathroom.

[laughter]

Finally, we--

What the hell is Ralph
doing on stage?

He's supposed to be
emceeing in the Cellar.

Okay, so, Nick bailed,
so Ralph took his spot.

Now Walter's
covering the Cellar.

What do you mean, bailed?

He blew off his set?

I guess he went for a joyride
with Bill and Cassie

in Bill's dead dad's new car.

- You're looking good, Manny.
- Thank you.

Just have the same quality
drinking fountains.

One white.
One black.

One got Kool-Aid.
One got...

[laughter]

["When I Was Young"
by The Animals on radio]

♪ The rooms
were so much colder then ♪

Why do I get the feeling
that's probably the first time

the inside of that car's
heard any music

that didn't have yodeling in it?

Conway Twitty.
My dad loved Conway Twitty.

Hey, Bogie, are you
gonna pass that or what?

It's out.

♪ I smoked
my first cigarette at ten ♪

♪ And for girls,
I had a bad yen ♪

♪ And I had quite a ball ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪♪

Well, lookee what I found.

♪ When I was young,
it was more important ♪

♪ Pain more painful ♪

Jesus. Where'd you find this?

Ashtray.

Thing's so fucking clean,
you could eat out of it.

Is that gold?

My dad got this from GM
his 20th year there.

I haven't seen this in years.

He quit smoking a year after
they gave it to him.

♪ And I was pretty green ♪

They fired him...
and still...

his precious GM lighter
in his precious GM car.

♪♪

What a fucking idiot.

Well, that must've really meant
something to him,

his time at that company.

It's a company, Cass.

It's not a fucking--
it's not people.

- Okay.
- Seriously.

Why hold onto a useless lighter?

Because it's got
a GM logo on it?

That precious to you?

♪♪

This is the sum of a man's life:

a car he never drove,
a lighter he never used,

and a family he never talked to.

♪ I believed in fellow man ♪

[yelling]
What the fuck for?

It's all useless shit, Dad!

[Cass] Hey.

Bill, let's head back, okay?

Yeah. We'll go to Canter's, huh?

My treat.

♪ When I was young ♪

♪♪

♪ When I was young ♪

Bill, what are you doing?

♪♪

Bill.

What are you doing?

Death by fucking lingchi,
that's what I'm doing.

♪♪

Oh! What the fuck, Bill?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, shit.

Stop! All right?

It's your dad's car.

It's a fucking gift.

[yelling]
A gift?

He fucking killed himself
in that gift.

He ran a hose
through the back window.

What the fuck
does that tell you, huh?

What kind of fucking gift
is that?

"My dead fucking body
will be found

in the seat
that you drive around in.

Enjoy!"

Fuck.

Is this us playing
catch together, huh?

Is this him saying
"I love you"?

There's a thin fucking line

between "I love you"
and "fuck you."

Useless.
You're fucking useless.

- [Bill] Fucking useless.
- [glass shattering]

[Cass sighs]

Fuck him.

♪ New York Dolls'
"Looking for a Kiss" ♪

♪ I'ma lookin' for a kiss ♪

♪♪

♪ Why wontcha tell me why those
kids are movin' so slow? ♪

♪ Is it that they just
don't have a place to go? ♪

♪ When the day starts breakin',
the sun is gonna shine ♪

♪ It's hard to sleep
if I been cryin' ♪

♪ Just lookin' for a kiss ♪

♪♪

Ah!

- [bed creaking]
- [Maggie and Arnie moaning]

[Arnie] Oof.

I don't know if this is
a good thing to bring up,

but weren't you and Maggie
sleeping together?

Yeah.

[moaning continues]

Don't you kind of like her?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[bed continues to creak]

So then, you're okay with...

- [moaning continues]
- That?

Yeah, I mean, we-we had sex

before she went
to work this morning.

Really?

It's kind of complicated.

Right.

[Arnie] Ugh. Sorry.

Time to say good-bye, Bill.

♪ melancholy music ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.

You coming?

♪♪

[food sizzling]

♪♪

♪♪

I don't want eggs.

Sure you do.

Here's coffee.

I don't have it anymore.

It's all...

♪♪

Fuck it.

Thought we were gonna have
an honest conversation.

Roy dropped you.

Guess that calls for eggs.

♪♪

There's cold cuts and soda
in the fridge.

You go up at 10:00.
Don't be late.

♪ The Who's
"Behind Blue Eyes" ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like ♪

[door slams]

♪ To be the bad man ♪

[line trilling]

♪ To be the sad man ♪

Yeah. Hi. Kenny.
Yeah, it's Eddie.

Eddie Zeidel.

Yeah, I'm wondering
if that offer's still good.

♪ To be hated ♪

Jesus.

What's the story, Eli?
You don't call.

We talked about this.

We never let personal
bleed into business.

Goldie, sit.

We talked about this
a long time ago.

Goldie.

Sit.

♪ And I blame you ♪

I haven't been avoiding.

I've been negotiating.

Negotiating what?

Your severance.

You're fired, Goldie.

♪ But my dreams ♪

♪ They aren't as empty ♪

So that's it, huh?

♪ As my conscience... ♪

Fired.

You're my fucking lawyer, Eli.

My partner in all this.

Nothing?

You couldn't defend me?

And get fired too?

No.

♪♪

'Cause then I'd be you.

♪♪

♪ When my fist clenches,
crack it open ♪

♪ Before I use it
and lose my cool ♪

♪ When I smile,
tell me some bad news ♪

♪ Before I laugh
and act like a fool ♪

♪♪

♪ And if I swallow
anything evil ♪