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Subtitles by explosiveskull

JD?

What are you doing here?

-Won't prom be just? -Oh, how should we act?

God, I bet you're gonna be voted as prom queen, Heather.

-I'd rather slit my wrists. -Oh, my God, prom queen?

How embarrassing. Obviously, you'd decline, right, Heather?

God, Heather. Did you freebase a stroke this morning?

Of course, I'd decline. The only thing more powerful

than being the most popular girl in school

is not caring that I'm the most popular girl in school.

God, I can't wait to get out of here.

Don't worry, just a few more weeks and then

the only person from this toilet bowl you'll have to see is me.

And the rest of these yeasty little pancake batters will be out of my life.

-Oh, speaking of... -Did you hear?

Kurt Kelly killed himself last night

while setting up a prom-posal for Heather Duke.

Oh, hey, Heather.

My son was a...

non-threatening homosexual...

and I loved him.

I loved...

my dead non-threatening gay son.

I just-- I can't.

I know you're sad but this will be huge for you.

Don't talk to me.

I love your hat.

Oh, Heather.

We wanted to give you this.

An extra-large? Are you calling me fat?

No. It's Kurt's jersey. He would have wanted you to have it.

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

He spoke so highly of you.

He would always talk about how smart and sophisticated you were.

God, you taught him so much. You did.

He would never have known to use the word "myriad" without you.

Yeah, and on top of that, he was so excited to tell you about France.

Now he'll never have the chance.

Tell me what about France?

He was going to invite you to come with us this summer.

Our family always summers in the French countryside.

-We have a chateau there. -Well, it's a little place.

-Just 16 bedrooms. -Well, that's in the main house.

Kurt had a chateau... and he never told me?

Well, it's not much but we call it the Notre Maison.

We just had the stables put in for Kurt.

He loved to ride and...

Now they'll go unused.

I-- I-- I could still go.

I could use the stables.

No, darling, having you there would only make us miss Kurt more.

Then maybe you guys could hang back here and I could go instead?

Like, to help you heal?

That's sweet, darling, but I need the time to reflect.

Heather, thank you.

For loving our son.

Come on, honey. There's plenty of time to reflect at the chateau.

Do you think the reflecting pool's been installed by now?

Bu-- But...

I could have married into a reflecting pool?

Veronica,

you're squinching your eyebrows in that way that'll give you elevens. Stop.

It's just...

I keep wondering if JD...

Please. Your boyfriend is a loser.

He couldn't get away with actually killing someone.

Plus, of course, Kurt killed himself. All the signs were there.

He was A, boring.

B, white, and C, male.

I mean, what did he have to live for anymore?

Plus, Heather was such a mega bitch to him he's probably relieved to be dead.

Heather.

I had my father add ESPN-2 to our cable package in Kurt's honor.

Thank you.

Just look at the bright side, Heather.

Prom is coming up and... now you have a reason to wear black.

I do look great in black.

-That's so true. -Yeah.

Hey.

Westerburg has been through so much this year that, if you think about it,

us going to prom is, like,

the greatest gift we can give.

-It's funny, I remember his last words-- -Veronica. Did you hear?

Polling opened up today and everyone's saying

you're going to be voted this year's prom queen.

Petition to cancel prom.

Step right up and sign right here.

Prom is nothing more than a tool of the patriarchy and must be canceled.

-Yes. Thank you. -That's right.

-I'll be right back. -A lefty, I love that.

-Thank you. -Step right up

to end this barbaric tradition.

I thought maybe you were right.

Maybe some good old fashioned normalcy is

exactly what we need.

So you, JD...

are asking me to prom?

Yep.

I thought prom was slavery or corporate or something?

It is.

But I realized that after everything we've been through,

we need to do this.

To go to prom.

Together.

Well, I promised Heather and Heather I'd go with them.

Which would have put me in a terrible bind.

Do I pick the friends that I hate or the boyfriend I hate.

The boyfriend you hate.

But now we're never going to know.

Why is that?

Because Heather Chandler just decided that prom is a tool of the patriarchy

and is about to get the whole thing cancelled.

-What? -It's whatever.

I mean, it's just prom.

Why don't we just make out behind the Snappy Snack Shack all night instead?

Yeah.

-That sounds nice. -Yeah.

It's just prom.

Which is why, in closing, I propose changing Westerburg's

űrestrictive regulation on skirt lengths at prom.

We should be able to look super-hot if we want to.

I mean, we shouldn't be telling girls what they can and can't wear.

Thank you, Shelby. Eventually, well said.

Prom committee? Shall we pass this motion?

I don't know, Pauline. I mean, her skirt is already pretty short.

-She looks like a stripper. -Thank you.

Won't it be confusing for the male student body?

Being told you can look but you can't touch?

Well then, why don't we make every girl wear a burkah to prom?

-We can't do that. -Then I think it's settled.

-Back me up here, Maurice. -Actually, I agree with Pauline.

-You do? -Of course.

Short skirts are fun. Let the girls show off them getaway sticks.

I say, if you've got it, flaunt it.

'Cause, honey, before you know it, them firm thighs

are gonna look like two limp sausages dipped in wet crepe paper.

Actually, Maurice, now that I think about it,

I don't want the girls exploiting themselves.

"Exploiting?" Pauline.

Just because you've never found yourself ganked up and pantsless

surrounded by 14 men tossing you quarters in a Big Lots parking lot,

doesn't mean you have to ruin everybody else's fun.

Okay, I'm just-- I'm trying to just think things through here.

Okay, young women should wear what they want,

but they also shouldn't have to cater to the male gaze just to feel seen.

We have to protect them, but we also have to empower them.

-What's happening to her? -I would say it's a hot flash,

but we're way past that.

They need to decide what they want,

but they can't make the wrong decision.

This is like watching a kale salad catch fire and explode.

Okay, what if the skirts were, I don't know, two inches shorter?

I don't think that's too distracting.

I have...

It seems empowered. Two inches feels empowered to me.

But also still fun. Right?

Okay. Thank you, Shelby.

The rule is now changed.

Girls may wear their skirts two inches higher to prom.

Thank you!

Did you hear? Heather Chandler's petitioning to cancel prom.

Great. All in favor of cancelling the prom?

Aye!

Heather. A word.

Hey!

You need to uncancel prom.

I don't need to do anything but look good and watch you fail.

-Jesus. -I thought you'd be happy?

Prom is a bourgeois practice

designed to spike profits at dress stores and blow-out salons.

You are denying your classmates a key adolescent rite of passage.

No, I'm freeing them of a social construct

that was created to cause stress

and despair for those on the lower rungs of the social ladder.

Oh, so the beautiful and popular have to miss out

because the weak-willed can't take the heat?

You don't believe a word you're saying, do you?

-Do you? -Of course not, but that's my thing.

But you?

Teen Nietzsche is suddenly creaming his jeans over a school dance?

Why?

Oh, my God.

I know.

You're trying to win back Veronica.

Promise me you won't tell her.

I never thought the day would come but Veronica finally wised up about you.

Just get it back on, Heather.

Do you know what you are to Veronica, JD?

You're a plus one.

You're a placeholder.

You're a "who's that" in photos.

Even if you two get your little romance novel moment at prom,

the minute she's off at college, you'll be in her rear view.

In just a few months, she'll be in her dorm room,

laughing at your old texts with the new guy who's going down on her.

And then when Thanksgiving comes, and everyone's back in Sherwood,

it's me she'll call.

And we'll go get Slushees,

and that's when she'll excitedly tell me how she finally found a guy

who could get her off.

Great slash fic, Heather.

Sorry, JD.

Heather and I have spoken.

Prom is as over as you are.

I can almost see some light peek through my thigh gap now.

It's all about cutting sugars.

What is this?

A receiving line.

Heather Duke is accepting mourning gifts for Kurt.

Please accept my offering.

And how are you sorry for my loss?

I just wanted to offer my condolences.

I'm sure Kurt's suicide was a devastating loss for you since...

you seemed to care about him so much.

What do want, knife licker?

I want you to get prom back on.

-Why? -Veronica.

-You know how much she wants to go. -Go back to your quarry, forest hermit.

You're keeping my public waiting.

Fine.

I just... figured with Heather Chandler being so popular again,

-getting prom cancelled and all... -She's not more popular than me.

-Did you see that line out there, okay? -They pity you.

But they fear Heather Chandler.

Kurt's death will keep your ball in the air for a few weeks, maybe.

But then we both know what's gonna happen.

Tragedy plus time equals waning power.

It's a shame too.

This was probably the one moment where you actually had a shot.

A shot at what?

Prom queen.

-What? -You'd be a shoo-in now.

And Heather Duke, as prom queen?

I mean... that would mean something.

It's not like Heather Chandler where it's just another girl.

No. You being prom queen...

would be groundbreaking.

At Westerburg, for sure and...

probably all over the country.

But I guess this is...

just another time when you let Heather Chandler

take away something

that is rightfully yours.

Why did I lobby to reinstate prom?

I wanted to start a conversation.

Being prom queen isn't about gender.

It's about attitude.

All students should be allowed to partake

in this sacred American tradition.

Whether they're a boy, girl, or somewhere in-between.

Thank you.

Heather, I'm confused.

You seem like a halfway smart person,

so why are you acting like a goddamn typo?

Oh, I'm sorry, Heather, is coming in second place

taking you back to your pageant days?

You think that just because you aspire to lead that you can?

But leading is more than just basking in the applause of a grateful public.

You never understood that.

Then how come I continue to win the hearts

and minds of everyone I encounter? Tell me, Heather.

Are you really going up against Westerburg's own Jackie O?

Pride goeth before the fall, Heather.

Did Trailer Parker teach you that bible quote?

It's my party, Heather.

You're just catering it.

Thank you.

-What's going on, JD? -Well,

looks like prom is back on again, so...

I guess now you really do have a choice.

The Heathers or me.

Okay, so wait, like, last week prom is enemy of the masses

and now all of a sudden you're just into it?

Because of you, Veronica. I know how important it is to you.

That's bullshit, JD.

Did you kill Kurt?

You know what, I don't even want to know.

I just want you to stay the hell away from me.

-Veronica-- -And no.

I'm not going to prom with you.

Oh, Veronica.

It turns out it was an actual ghost.

Now I get it. Wow.

It's so easy to confuse them.

Where have you been hiding this one?

So, JD, any thought as to what you're gonna do after graduation?

Well, I think I'm going to study early childhood education.

I believe it was Nelson Mandela who said, "Education is our best weapon."

And I just want to arm as many children as I can.

Well, I think that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Kevin?

You know, I can't get these damn blinds down.

Tell me again why I automated these things?

-'Cause you're an idiot, Dad. -No, Veronica.

That's not it.

You two.

Have you applied to any colleges yet, JD?

Oberlin.

Oberlin. You know, that's across the state.

Don't you think you're gonna need a car?

Well, I have a new car now, Veronica.

-What happened to the old car? -Oh, it just overheated.

You know, Mrs. Sawyer, this spaghetti is so wonderful.

It's perfectly al dente.

Extra oregano.

I bet you haven't had a home-cooked meal

-in a long time, JD. -Why not?

-Kevin. -What? What did I say?

JD's mother is no longer with us.

I'm so sorry about that.

If you don't mind my asking, what happened there?

Well, my mother was a very troubled woman.

In every life, a little rain must fall.

Exactly. And at least I found my rainbow.

Oh, that's sweet. Isn't that sweet, Kevin?

There we go. Now, where's that pâté?

We're all out.

Can't keep it in the house now that Veronica's developed a taste for it.

Well, she is insatiable.

I think I'll just go get some more.

-Why don't I go? -Oh, are you sure?

-Of course. -Well, why don't I go with you?

No, Veronica. You stay here.

Why don't you tell your parents our Will and Kate story.

That one is so romantic.

I love the royal family!

She really does.

He seems like such a nice boy.

Just the kind of influence you need right now.

I can see you two together. Cute babies.

Menthols! And a foot long!

Even the most privileged of American teens

still need their daily fix of processed meat products.

Just because you helped me doesn't mean you get to speak to me in public.

Fine. Doesn't look like they have pâté at the Snappy Snack Shack anyways.

Pâté?

At a convenience store in Ohio?

God, you're a worse trust fund baby than me.

Convenience stores have come a long way, okay?

This one has sushi, lattes.

And look at the myriad of condiment options for your delicious hot dogs.

What did you say?

About condiments?

The myriad of condiment options?

For your delicious hot dogs.

Wait, where's my Slushee? And where's my dog?

No time to explain, we have to go now.

-Go get my stuff. -Jade, listen to me.

There is a teenage Charles Manson in that convenience store

who's going to slit my throat if you don't let me in this car right now.

Wait, so you're telling me that someone's trying to kill you?

-Yes! -And if he succeeds, you'd be dead?

Oh, my God, has all that spray tan and domestic beer rotted your brain?

-Yes! -Okay. Hold on.

Jade!?

Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God. Okay, think. Think.

One-minute wait?

Goddamn it.

Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?

Yes. Hi. There is a killer in the Snappy Snack Shack.

He just used the word "myriad" which is the same word my ex

never would have been smart enough to use in his so-called suicide note!

Oh, is that right? There's a killer at the Snappy Snack Shack?

Wow, that must be so scary.

Whatever are you going to do? I know who you are.

You're that punk-ass kid that keeps prank calling here.

Oops.

Hello, 911, I'd like to report a crime on top of Veronica's head.

Nine-one-one. I'd like to report an unsolved accident from 17 years ago.

Her name is Trailer Parker and her parents could not have wanted this.

Nine-one-one. Shelby Dunnstock has a French manicure on her toes

and she's wearing jelly shoes.

Fuck the police!

Heather. What's going on?

You killed Kurt, you piece of shit.

What's going on is I'm taking this car directly to the goddamn police station.

Drive!

Hey, I'm Dathan, I've got some mints in the console if you need them.

Shut up and listen to me very closely.

That human red flag over there killed my ex

and he knows that I know which means he won't sleep

until we're both dead in a gutter.

So, we're about to embark on a death race

through this godforsaken podunk town

which means I need you to drive like your miserable life depends on it

because quite frankly it does.

-Well, today's your lucky day. -Why?

'Cause I just chugged two Red Bulls and this morning I forgot to take my meds.

-He's gaining on us. -I got this.

Go. Just go!

-Help me out. -Gladly. This one is for Kurt.

I was the one who was supposed to destroy Kurt, you piece of shit!

You stupid fuck.

You goddamn bitch!

-Who's Kurt? -My boyfriend. He's dead.

Long story. Police station's that way.

Three o'clock.

I think we lost him.

-Little help? -There.

Where's that asshole going?

We got trouble.

Later days, Strawberry Shortcake.

-This might sting a little. -I trust you implicitly.

Give me that, give me that! You are the best driver in the world!

-Thank you. -As a reward I will allow you

to tell me one, and I mean only one, thing about your personal life.

Okay.

I'm working on this novel about a centaur

-and he lives in a lighthouse. -Oh, shit!

I hate to do this, Dathan, but you did wreck, so...

Three stars.

You'll never get away with this.

I'm very popular and very white.

Enjoy jail, psycho.

Gross.

Couldn't have killed you better myself.

JD...

Come closer.

I have something important to tell you.

Tell your Mom to spit out the devil's jizz

before you tongue kiss her in hell.

Well, I had to go to five stores but I finally found some pâté.

Oh, bless your heart.

You didn't have to go through all that trouble.

Well, it was no trouble at all.

Who was it this time, JD?

I had no choice.

Did you have a choice with Kurt?

Jesus Christ.

Are we going to prom or to hell?

Hello?

-Veronica, listen... -You don't even deserve hell.

God, Heather...

You would hate how they did your makeup.

There.

That's your best angle.

I miss you already, Heather.

Okay.

Bye.

I mean, should we even go to prom now?

I don't know. I mean, I don't think Heather would want us to go.

She got mad when we went to the bathroom without her.

Yeah, she'd probably want us to be totally tragic

for at least a month.

-Yeah. -Heather.

Did you hear? Everyone's saying now that Heather's dead,

you're going to be the new prom queen.

Well, I wish it were under better circumstances, but...

If it's what the people want,

it's what the people want.

-Thank you, Peter. -Of course.

Heather.

You're beautiful.

Like you wouldn't do the exact same thing.

Come on, Veronica.

We can get you a silver dress now that Heather's not going.

Grow up, Heather.

Babe?

Better late than never, right?

Look, Veronica, I'm sorry. Okay?

Just tell me what you want.

You know what I want?

Cool kids like you

out of my life.