All language subtitles for the.grand.tour.s02e06.web.h264-skgtv[ettv]

-Hello, everyone.
-Hello!

Thank you.

-Greetings, everybody.
-Wow!

-We got a rowdy bunch in!
-They are, they are.

Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.

Thank you and welcome.

And, in this edition
of our car show...

Richard steals
some sun cream...

I drink some wine...

...and James says "40."

40?

All that...
All that is to come.

But, we begin with Jaguar.

Now, us three, we love Jags
because they're so...
they're so roguish.

You can take a girl for
dinner if you have a Jag,
and then she will pay.

You could go and stay
with people for the weekend,

help yourself to
all their belongings

and no one will mind because
"you have a Jag". Exactly!

In fact, people expect it.

You have somebody to stay
at your house who owns a Jag,

you've got to accept you're
gonna lose some paintings.

And some cutlery.

The thing is, though, OK,
even though a Jaguar

is an international
get-out-of-jail-free card,

very few people
actually ever buy one.

Who here has got a Jag?
One, two...

Only three people in Britain
drive Jaguars.

It's astonishing.

Yeah, I've actually got
the sales figures here
and they are pretty tragic,

because in the five years
up to 2016,

Jaguar sold
200,000 cars worldwide.

And in the same period,
Audi, Mercedes and even BMW,

each sold over eight million.

It's a staggering statistic,
it really is.

We were talking about this
in the office the other day
and Mr Wilman said,

people don't buy Jags because
they used to break down.

Yeah, but, that's
just not true.

And we decided to prove this

by taking The Grand Tour
this week to Colorado.

The car I've chosen is,
I think, the best car
Jaguar ever made.

The V8 super-charged XJR.

It's cool without being
Cool Britannia.

It's caddish
without being laddish.

It's...violent
without being vicious.

And it is just the last word
in sophistication.

Hannibal Lecter had one
and that says it all because

the last we saw of him
he was on a plane, scot-free,

eating
a district attorney's head.

Soon I reached
the meeting point,
where I found James,

who'd bought
an XK8 convertible.

Here we are, look.
A big cat near an old dog.

-Greetings, May.
-Moron.

It's not a Subaru!

You're supposed to be
upholding the reputation
of the Jag driver.

-Why have you bought that?
-Because it's excellent.

-It isn't.
-It is.

-This was a very poor Jaguar.
-This was a very good Jaguar.

You could go camping
in the wheel arches of it!
They're so high up.

They looked all right when
they were super-charged
and lower but this is...

They didn't work properly
when they were
super-charged and lower

because they had
a terrible ride.

The one thing you get
from a Jag is a nice ride.

You're disconnected from
the world, that's the point.
Anyway...

And those wheels!
There's no "anyway" about it.

That's the best Jag
probably ever made.

-Hmm. No.
-Well, it is.

Tell me what's wrong
with that?

One of the wheels is odd.

Yes, ah, I know exactly
what's happened here.

Previous owner's
had a puncture.

He's simply borrowed a wheel
from another car to use.

-And he's gonna give it back?
-Of course he is.

-Because he drives a Jag.
-Exactly.

And look in here!

It looks as if there's been
a knife fight in the car.

That's because he went
to stay with some friends,
obviously,

thought,
"I'll borrow their cutlery"

tucked it into his trousers
and then he's cut his seats,
that's what's happened.

At this point,
Mr Hammond hoved into view.

-God, is that a Mark X?
-That is a Mark X.

That's a properly
villainous Jag.

-That that is a proper Jag.
-Yeah.

Whatever you do, OK,
do not tell him that.

No, no.

-Hammond, you idiot.
-What?

We're supposed to be
upholding the reputation
of Jaguar,

you've brought an antique,
you've brought an old
piece of furniture.

I am celebrating and
revelling in the glories
of Jaguar.

This is 1967 420G.

This front end
started with this car.
That's the Jaguar look.

The forehead lamps,
the narrow grill.

Hammond, seriously.
What is that?

It's a 420G.
This was the favour--

-No, no not that. That.
-This? It's my jacket.

I thought, a bit of style.
We're in Jaguars.

There's no style
in the jacket at all.

It's riddled with style!

Some of your jackets
are terrible, but I can't--

Anyway, this was
favoured by every villainous
bank robber and baddie

in and around England
in the '60s.

-How much did you pay for it?
-£6,500.

-What?
-That is a lot of car for
six-and-a-half grand.

-Look at the size of it!
-Hammond, that is 1,000...

No, wait, £2,500 more

than I paid for
a super-charged Jaguar.

That is Jaguar's
embarrassing attempt to
recapture their own design

that started with this,
the four head-lamps,
the narrow grill.

This is definitive.
Your car is derivative.

And Hammond
wasn't finished there.

Look at the size of this!

Imagine how many
oil paintings, borrowed,
I could get in there.

Smells terrible.

-Tool kit.
-Let me have a look.

-That's for opening windows.
-It is, no this is...

Not necessarily for
fixing the car!

That's for cutting through
somebody's fence.

This is for undoing
the paintings from the walls.

All the Jaguar toolkit
is just for burglaries.

It's got a jemmy in it!

At this point
we set off into the heart
of Colorado,

eager to demonstrate
the magnificence of our cars.

Now it is telling me here
that the traction control
has failed,

the stability control
has failed, and that the
anti-lock brakes have failed.

And that's brilliant, because
Jaguar obviously realised
when they made this car

that drifting would one day
become very popular,

and driver aids like this
would be unwelcome
and unnecessary.

So they were designed
to break, and they have done.

This particular 420G
is from 1967.
Quite well-equipped.

This row of toggle switches
here on the dash,
six of them.

Wiper. Look at that!

Look at... Oh.

Yeah!
That's the wipers there.

And then this is...
They won't turn off now.

This is the fan. That doesn't
do anything at the moment.

These are features.

This is character that has
evolved over the years.

These are the beauty spots,

or the slight squint
to one eye that makes
a person beautiful.

If anything... If anything...
Oh. The glove box has come
open.

I'll close that now.

It's done it again.

Normally
I'd say at this point,
now we're alone, viewers,

let me talk you through
a couple of things that
aren't right with my car.

I'm afraid I can't do that
because everything in here
works perfectly.

There is, if you look in
the left-hand dial,
which is the rev counter,

there's an engine
warning light on

to remind me that the
engine warning light works,
and that it's there.

When you brake, like that,

the brake pedal
judders for you,
so you know you're braking.

That's brilliant! Why doesn't
everybody do that?

I will give
Hammond's car one thing,

it does give good
rear view mirror.

It looks villainous.

The Kray twins actually had
420s just like Hammond's Jag.

If you're watching this in
America and you don't know
who the Krays are,

they're the reason the Mafia
never got to London.

They were too scared
of the Krays.

Some incredibly strong smells
in this car.

There's a sort of
gluey, resiny smell.

And burning.

Yeah, burning.

It's having a smoke!

It's from the '60s.
Everybody smoked in the '60s.

-It would smoke, it's a Jag.
-That's what's it's...

You have a smoke, mate.

It's seen this nice view
and thought, "I'll have
a pipe and contemplate it."

Like, like a red native.
What are they called?

-Native American?
-Yes, that.

Once Hammond's car
had finished its smoke,

we resumed our
fuss-free journey,

and I got my foot down.

It's still got tons of poke.
Look at that!

Which went well.

It's just not changing gear.
It's... There's neutral.

Right, now it's in,
I think, second.

Jeremy, why are we
going so slowly?

I'll tell you exactly why,
because the only
German part in here,

the Mercedes gearbox,
has gone wrong.

That was a sad lapse of
judgment on Jaguar's part.

Any idiot knows you don't
put German bits in a car.

-Manually changing gear.
-What is wrong with it?

It's selecting a gear
for the moment and
then just sticking with it.

I can't wait for it
to choose reverse.

This problem with shoddy
German engineering couldn't
have come at a worse time,

because we were
now arriving at the location

for Mr Wilman's
first challenge

and I'd have to
fix things sharpish.

Now look.

"Now look" what?

Don't let us distract you
Professor, Doctor.

Listen, I have worked
this out all by my own!

The gearbox has overheated, OK?
So I'm gonna put some
fluid in it.

How much
do you need to put in?

Don't know. How
much do you need to put in?

-Put enough in. Go on.
-Yeah, put some in.

It's like watching
a really, really old drunk
pour himself a Scotch!

"Just enough, man."

The concentration face
is coming out, there it is.

Good to see
a man operating
at his absolute limit.

With the problem solved,
it was time to get cracking.

We'd be competing against
one another here
at an off-road course,

which Mr Wilman was convinced

would break our
ancient Jaguars into
1,000 pieces.

However, James had worked out
a way to prove him wrong.

OK, are you ready?
In three, two, one, go!

-It's a long car. It takes
a long time to go past.
-That's what it is.

I'd better brake for this
left-hander, change down.

Oh, concentrate!

And approaching the jump.

He may get air here.

There you go.

Know this, if you're
turning over now to watch

Man In A High Castle,
something of that nature,

James is gonna
finish this course.

Which, eventually, he did.

-And...across the line.
-There he is.

Yeah.

James May,
you just set a lap record.

Yes!

The fastest ever lap

in a Jaguar XK8
around this track.

As you can see,
the perfect track day car.

This Jaguar has done a lap
of this very demanding race
circuit, and it's perfect.

Next up was me,
in the tight-fit XJR.

It is quite snug in here.
Look, really.

-There is a problem. If I hit
the top of your head...
-Oh, hang on!

That's what that's for!

It's a helmet hatch.
That's what it is.

You'll almost certainly
be killed, though.

You know when they take
the top off a boiled egg?

-You do the countdown.
-In three, two, one, go!

Yeah, there's some dust.

And there we are!
I have unleashed
385 horsepower!

And I would now demonstrate
that this 17-year-old car had
lost none of that horsepower.

Or any of its
razor-sharp handling.

Oh, yeah. Just feel
the tail going nicely.

Oh, bollocks! It didn't.

I have slightly
got that wrong,

but we can edit that out
and cut to this,
and it looks good.

God, he's all over the place.
Look at that!

What you're watching here
is liquid poetry.

And flick it in!

He's completely
messed it up.

Yeah, he's just...
What... What is he doing?

I've had a spin there.
A slight spin has gone.

I'm blind as a bat now.

That's... That's added
to his time quite a lot.

There we go,
speed up again now.

And...

You ready?

...across the line.

1:54.

But the important thing is,

that's a lap record
for the XJR,
and it's still working.

Finally,
it was the turn of Ronnie
and Reggie Hammond.

Here we go.
In three, two, one, go!

Here we go, unleashing
4.2-litre straight-six.

Because Hammond's
50-year-old Jag was a senior
citizen,

we hoped he'd take it easy.

However...

Let's do this properly.
Come on!

Oh, his boot's come open.

-He hasn't really got the
point of this from the start.
-No. No, he hasn't.

You've got a bit more
than that in you.
I know you have!

You've got more to give me.
Give me more!

Oh, no, look!
Tons of black smoke.

Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha! Come on!

Back at the finish line,

my colleagues were
not impressed with me.

There's oil
everywhere, and coolant.

All you had to do was
go round pretending
it was a bit dramatic

proving that a Jaguar
worked properly
and was durable.

I gave it a bit of the beans
in a corner,
bit of a tail-out.

This lot at home are fooled.
They think I was
trying my hardest.

I pulled a face.
I went like that.

-What did you do?
-Gave it--

And look at the back
of your car.

Smashed rear window.
Boot lid, no other word, off.

Does it actually start?

-I think you threw a rod.
-It's all fixable.

What was that?
What was that "glang" noise?

It could be a rod going
through the side of the wall.
I can fix this.

And sure enough ...

I would have bet my left ear
that Hammond would never be
able to get that Jag going,

and yet, he has!

Turns out the actual damage
was nowhere near as bad
as we thought.

All I had to do,
straighten the boot lid,

top up the water in the
radiator, that did need
doing, that was it.

Yep.

Never noticed the sun roof
before. That's good.

So, there we are,

proof you can go off-road
racing with three Jaguars,

and all of them will survive.

Well, it is just good that
we're back as a three,

with the three cars
running well.

I think we
got away with that.
They never noticed.

No, nobody.
Yeah, we're good. We're good.

-Anyway, shh, shh, shh.
-Yeah.

I can't believe,
I simply cannot believe,
how robust those Jags were.

I can, they are tremendously
well-made cars,
they really are.

Swiss watchmakers,
they gasp sometimes when they
look at an old Jag and go,

"I cannot believe
how much perfection
there is in there."

Exactly, and we will
come back to that later on,

but right now it's time
to slide across
an icy puddle of chat

on Conversation Street.

-That hurt?
-Yeah.

Right now,
we begin with this.

You know the fire brigade
these days

have been issued with those
big hydraulic, erm,
poultry shears?

You mean the jaws of life?

-Whatever they're called.
-Jaws of life.

If you give a man a tool
like that, he is going to
use it all the time.

Which means whenever the
fire brigade now turn up at
the most minor car accident,

out they come,
they cut the car's roof off.

-Yeah, they do.
-Are there any firemen here?

No, because they're too busy
out there cutting people's
roofs off. They are!

Loads of them out there.
It is getting out of hand.

There was a story recently,
somebody had a pretty much
brand-new Range Rover Sport,

it had done 400 miles.

They had a bit of a shunt.
I think we've got a picture.

It's broken a headlamp,
but that's about it.

Fire brigade come along and
immediately cut the roof off,
there you go.

- I mean, that's made
everything worse!

I can beat that, OK?
Couple of years ago there was
this woman driving along.

There'd been
a minor accident,
she wasn't involved,

but the people who were,
were standing around.

She said, "Do you want to sit
down in the back of my car?"

Fire brigade turn up,
cut the roof off her car.

-What, they...
-There, look!

That hadn't
been in the crash?

They'd gone in
through the doors, said,

"We'll cut the roof off,
easier to get you out."

The doors are working, look!

She was being
a good Samaritan
and that's what she got?

-Do you know they actually
did this to the police?
-Who, the fire brigade?

The police turned up
at the scene of an accident,
a very minor one.

The people were unhurt
but it was raining.

They said, "Would you like to
rest in the police car?"

No, please tell me...
They didn't!

The fire brigade cut the roof
off the police car!

That's gonna escalate.

I think what
happened later on

was the police went in
their convertible police car
round to the fire station

and blew up the fire engine
in a "controlled explosion"
which is what the police do!

It's gonna build!

I kerbed the wheel on my car
the other day and I thought,

"I hope the fire brigade
didn't see me do that.
They'll cut the roof off!"

They wouldn't cut the roof
off your car because
that's only a Golf.

-What they like to do is
cut the roof off a Porsche!
-That's more exciting.

You say at the pub, "I cut
the roof off a Porsche!"

It's better than
a Golf or a Hyundai.

-It's a better story.
-Exactly.

I know why they're doing it.

To be brutally honest,
they're doing it
because they can.

They should take a lesson
from the Queen.

She's been the Queen now
for, what, 65 years?

Now, she has the
constitutional right
and power...

Weirdly this is... this is,
actually their display team.

This bit better go in,

because that's gonna be
un ing editable,
that is!

They should take a lesson
from the Queen.

-She's been in power now,
what, 65 years?
-Yeah.

She has the constitutional
right to declare war on
another country, OK?

She can do that,
and she never has.

How long would you last
before you declared war
if you had the ability?

-I'd give it two days,
and it'd be all-out war.
-Exactly.

"I'm declaring war
on France.
That's what I'm doing."

Well, you would if you could,
that's the problem.
That's why they do it.

I sympathise with the fire
brigade, because I bought
a chainsaw the other day.

-Oh, my God! Are you sure?
-No, I did.

But when you've got
a chainsaw,
you use it for everything.

I was thinking, "I've got to
carve the Sunday joint.
I'll get the chainsaw."

Opening a letter,
get the chainsaw.
Bread, use the chainsaw.

Your eyebrows could do
with a bit of a trim.

As soon as the show's over,
they're coming off with
a chainsaw.

-You've got it,
so you use one.
-Exactly.

-They've got jaws of life?
-Jaws of life.

They're gonna use it,
and they are doing.

We've got an important
message actually for all
firemen and firemenwomen.

Stop cutting the roofs...

Sorry!

I think that's right.
That's right, mate.

-It's equal opportunities,
what's the matter with you?
-It's a modern world.

Stop cutting the roofs off
our cars or we'll come round

and cut the roof off your
painting and decorating van.

That's covered
the fire brigade.

-Yep.
-Hope we don't need them
any time soon.

So do I, cos we're gonna be
trapped in a car, "Please!"

Aston Martin's launched this.
It's the new Vantage.

That looks great.

Absolutely spectacular.

That actually looks like
the one-off Aston they made
for the Bond film.

Oh, from the back especially.
Have you got a picture of it
from the back?

I mean, that is just
a spectacular-looking thing,

and it's been fitted with
the twin-turbo charged
four-litre V8 from Mercedes.

-The AMG engine.
-Yeah.

And that is just brilliant.

It's the work actually of
the man with the best name
in the motor industry.

No, second best name.

Man with the best name
is Lamborghini's chief
test driver.

-He's called Max Venturi.
-Yeah.

-He's never had sex.
-No, no, no.

-He's young and good-looking
as well.
-Yes, I know.

Anyway, the guy at Aston,
their technical officer,
is called Max "Szwaj".

-What?
-Max "Szwaj".

-"Szwaj"?
-No, "Sz".

-That's what I said "Szwa".
-No, it's "Sz".

-You sound like a broken
dentist drill, "Szwaj".
-You're just being racist.

-I'm not!
-You are, the man's Irish.

-I'm not being racist!
-Just cos you want him
to be called Paddy O'Malley!

I didn't say... You can't
accuse me of being racist
on television!

Anyway, we'll gloss over
your frankly...

-I'm not. That is...
-It's embarrassing.

They've also... He,
I should say, Max "Szwaj",

has also put the Mercedes
engine in the DB11.

And I love that engine,
and I love that car.

That's gonna be
one hell of a combination.

Could be amazing.
How much will it be?

Well, weirdly,
not much less than the V12.

But I think that the V8
will be better cos
the engine will be lighter.

So what you're saying,
in fact,
is smaller is better.

No.

You know Chinese companies
like to give themselves
Western names, OK?

-I know what you mean.
-Well, there's a Chinese
spare part company.

They do brakes
and what have you,
that's called, erm, this.

Well, well, it's...

-Thing is--
-It's memorable, isn't it?

Thing is, though, if you
type that into Google...

Oh, don't!

You've really got some strong
images for 27 pages before
you get to your brake disks.

Sitting there an hour later
with eyes like that.

"Only wanted some brake pads,
and now I've seen things
I can't unsee!"

What were you looking for
when you came across...?

What had you put in?

Had you been through
all 27,000 pages
to get to that one?

I was just looking at.

Oh!

And that is the end of this
week's Conversation Street.

That's very kind, thank you.

Thank you, and now it's time
to get back to our film

in which we're proving
that Jaguar's reputation
for unreliability

is completely unfounded.

Yes, we pick up the action
at a hotel where,
because we're driving Jags,

we'd spent the night in rooms
as far away as possible
from the reception desk,

and its pesky
checking-out requirements.

The next morning
we were up way before
the hotel staff,

to get back on the road.

-Morning.
-Morning.

What's with the towels?

Well, they had
this sign that explained

how environmentally damaging
and expensive it is
to wash them,

so I've saved them
the trouble.

-That's good thinking.
-That's kind.

That is.

Because we'd had
such an early start,

we decided after
a little while to pull over

and admire some of the
beautiful rock formations.

Do you see
the sandstone has been

eroded by time, wind,
and the pressure of
water seeping through it.

It's baffling, isn't it,
how a simple stream

can have carved such
an extraordinary gorge.

I don't think there's any
point continuing to do that.

I think you're going to just
melt the starter motor.

Now, it's a heck of
a battery, though.

How have you managed
to break it so quickly?

-Literally we left
the hotel...
-You've had it five minutes!

...40 minutes ago.

It's something I've done.
It's certainly not the car.

- Look at those cross braces.
- Mm.

I fitted those as well,
that it didn't have before.

Because the problem
was bound to be minor,

James and I
left Richard to it

and continued onwards
to our next destination.

This is one hell of a road!

Surface is good.
Scenery is fantastic.
No traffic.

These were ideal conditions
for a Jag like mine.

One of the things
I absolutely love
about the XJR

is the way the faster you go,
the more it starts to
sort of float.

It's like you're sort of
powder skiing.

It actually encourages you
to go faster because
you're so relaxed.

This, let's not forget,
is a 155-mile-an-hour
machine.

Nought to 60,
five-and-a-half seconds.

It's quick,
even by today's standards.

Right, problem is fuel pump
not working, that's because
there's no power to it.

But the really clever thing
about a Jaguar

is you get lots of
spare stuff you can use

when a problem arises,
should it,
which is very unlikely.

In this instance,
I disconnected this which
powers the electric aerial.

That has got power.
Obviously I can do without
the electric aerial.

I didn't want to
use it anyway.

Hook this up to the
fuel pump, job done,
we're away.

Sure enough,
he was soon back
on the move...

I love this thing.
It's a beautiful little car.

...unlike me.

Not that this is much of
an issue for someone
who's driving a Jag!

Yes, Constable, however,

if I could draw your
attention to the first page
of my passport here,

"Her Britannic Majesty..."
that's the Queen,

"...requests and requires
in the name of Her Majesty,

all those whom it may concern
to allow the bearer..."
that's me,

"...to pass freely without
let or hindrance."

Did you get away with that?

Yeah, I just hit him
with the passport thing.

Very good, yes.

Honestly,
it works every time.
It never fails in America.

I also told the officer I was
travelling with Mrs May,

the British Prime Minister.

And he believed me!

Meanwhile, quite a few miles
further back...

That's...just having a rest.

Oh, it's a Brit
and it's overheated.

No, no, it's fine.

Do you know why
the English like warm beer?

Because Lucas
makes refrigerators, too!

-Good, thank you so much!
-Yeah, you bet!

Oh, this isn't
helping our case.

Higher in the sky,

James and I had arrived
at the location for our
next challenge...

...a runway.

And once our colleague
had arrived,

I explained what
Mr Wilman had planned.

We'll go from here,
one at a time, 0-100,

and then back to 0 again.

You've got to stop before
the end of the runway,
and really do have to stop,

because this airport has a...
a slightly unusual feature.

Perched on the summit
of a rocky mountain,

Telluride is the highest
commercial airport in the US.

And at the end of the runway,
there is...

...nothing.

Just a 1,000 foot drop
to an uncomfortable end.

Here we go!

Yes, there it is!

It has got some shove, that.

Forced induction of course
is what you need at
this kind of altitude.

That's why super-chargers
were fitted to the Spitfire
and the Messerschmitt.

That's 80...

90...

There's 100!

Oh, the brakes
are medium good
and that's a worry...

...for Hammond and May.

On the plus side,
that's further proof of
the power of a Jaguar.

On the negative side,
Jeremy isn't now going,
"Argh!" which is a shame.

It is, the other thing
we need to bear in mind

is that his car is very much
the most powerful one here,
and you're going next.

Why am I going next?

Because I just said
you're going next,
and that's like a bagsie.

-That's how a Jag driver
would work.
-Right!

Three, two, one, begin.

Ohh, yeah! I think it's lost
some ponies over the years.

The big question is,
will his ancient XJ6

be able to beat the yardstick
I've laid down?

Er...55.

60.

Still accelerating.

You're gonna have to
work a bit harder, Jaguar!

You really are, because
that's not good enough!

Still...

85.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are
about to witness the death of
Richard Hammond, again.

Nearly!

100!

Oh, my God!

Ah!

And...shut down.

How much excrement?

Erm...well, brown seats would
have been a better choice.

-Yeah. Your braking?
-Erm... Vigorous.

Would you like to know
how much further
you went than me?

-Yeah, go on.
-0.4 of a mile...

...of a mile!

Finally it was my turn
and I was going to need
as much runway

and as much streamlining
as possible,

for good reason.

Now we're alone, viewers,
I'm gonna admit to you

that my car has gone
into "limp home" mode,

which is not ideal
for this sort of thing.

In three, two, one.

40.

He's moving.
I mean, just barely but...

50.

60.

He's still accelerating!

70.

75!

80 miles... 80.
80 miles an hour.

90!

Oh, my God!

Argh!

Ow! Ooh!

Ow!

Having completed the 0-100
and back to 0 test,

we got back on the road.

Well, all credit
to James's XK8.

He's come out of it unharmed
and the car pretty much, too.

If anything, the engine seems
to have become even smoother,

almost as if it's gained
50% more cylinders.

But that's the thing
about Jags,
they just get better.

With all three cars
still running well,

we headed off to face
our final and toughest
challenge...

...in the ski resort
of Telluride.

-They applauded your death.
-They did.

-They applauded your death.
-Thank you very much!

I have to say though, James,
it really was extraordinary

that you went down
that 1,000-foot fall,
not a scratch.

Completely unharmed.

It's weird that Jag
don't make more of that
in their commercials.

Anyway,
we'll pick that up later on.

Now though, it's time for
Celebrity Face Off.

Yeah, and today we are asking
another important question,
and it's this.

Who is the world's
fastest actor, whose
middle name is George?

Surprisingly hard to find
contenders for this one,
but we've managed it.

So please welcome Luke Evans
and Kiefer Sutherland!

Jack Bauer! How are you?

You. How are you?
Have a seat.

No messing about this week!
We are not messing about.

Can I just explain
before we start? Yes.

-You get a Canadian flag
because you're Canadian?
-Yeah.

-But if you win
it'll become British.
-It'll become British.

-Because you were born...
-I was born in London.

-Born in London, so do you
have a British passport?
-I do.

-And you're a Canadian
citizen?
-Yes.

-But you live in America?
-Yes.

I am a well-travelled man!

Yeah. You travel
the colonies. Erm...

-You're Welsh
whatever happens.
-Good.

Now, this business
of middle names...

-You've just got the one
middle name?
-Yes.

-Which is George?
-George, yes.

-You...
-I've got the five.

Which are...

Kiefer William Frederick
Dempsey George
Rufus Sutherland.

Ah, wow!

-So, your dad--
-My father owed
a lot of people money!

I think he would just say,
"I can't pay you, but I'll
name my son after you."

Now we'll get onto you,
Luke, if we may.

Obviously, your new
blockbuster is
Beauty And The Beast.

But you're best known,
certainly among this
audience, I should imagine-

-I've a feeling I know
which one it is.
-Fast and Furious.

-Yeah.
-Fast and Furious 6.

Yeah.

Now, what fascinates me
about this Fast and Furious
business is somehow

you make a living from
driving around, smashing up
very expensive cars.

I mean, how is that
even possible?

You tell me.

Touché.

-It must be a riot.
-It is a riot, yeah.

Especially when they... they
make them from scratch,

like the flip car
that I drove in Fast 6.

That was hand-made by
this genius in Los Angeles

who makes all
the cars in the films.

-And the flip car was--
-It's got a tongue on it...

It's basically like
a door wedge, basically,

which had, I think it was
a Formula One engine.

But it was just the shell,
so the sound was deafening.

We all had to have ear plugs
and stuff and...
But it was great.

All the wheels could crab,
so they all could turn
at the same time,

so you go could
go underneath lorries,
trailer lorries.

-They're tricky to drive,
I presume.
-Very tricky.

It was, erm...it wasn't
a normal sort of gear shift.
It was a ratchet.

So you'd have to press
a button and then you had
to pump the clutch

then you had to
ratchet it up to first,
and it was so complicated.

-While doing acting?
-While doing acting, yeah.

See, he's so cool, why would
you have me on the show?

No, I mean, you do crash even
more cars than Hammond does.

I've got the figures here.

You've destroyed, or the
Fast And Furious people,

-1,478 cars...
-Wow!

...in the franchise,
which is quite a lot.
Someone worked out the cost.

-You've only done £3.7
million worth of damage.
-That's not bad.

Jason Statham's got through
148 million quid's worth
of cars.

Actually, Richard Hammond
has provided me with
a question here.

He said, "Is it because
he can't drive very well?"

I did not say that! I didn't!
Why would I fall out with
Jason Statham?

-I didn't say that!
-You thought it.

Can he drive? I've always
wanted to get Jason...

I have no idea!
Yes, I'm sure, yeah. I...

-Are you sure he can't drive?
There you go, Hammond.
-I didn't ask that!

I'm sure he can.

Did you crash any cars?
Not to the extent they do,
but did you?

No, actually,
I was thinking how cool
all your stories were.

Mine was so embarrassing.

Er...I had a scene,
all I had to do,

and a very normal car,
the wheels didn't crab,

I just had to drive it to the
mark, get out, draw my weapon
and say something.

And that day they had
a really wonderful actress.

I had a bit of a crush
on her, and I was really
trying to show off.

And I spun the car a bit,
threw it into a stop,
threw open the door,

pulled out my weapon,
said my line and slowly
the car passed me.

I had forgot...
I had forgot to
put it in park.

And er...and it hit the fence
that the camera operator was
sitting on and he fell off.

The girl never talked to me
again and that was
the end of my day.

We'll get onto cars cos you
both started with Mustangs,
I think I'm right in saying.

-Yeah.
-Well, sort of yeah.

-You were very late to...
-Yeah, I was 30 when
I passed my driving test.

I'd never been to LA,
and I had to go there
for a screen test,

and the first time I got in a
car on my own was a hire car
from LAX Airport,

which was a Mustang,
and then I went on the 405
to West Hollywood.

-Shat myself.
-That'll teach you
how to drive!

My hands were so wet
that they were sliding off
the steering wheel.

-And the steering wheel's on
the wrong side of the road.
-I mean, five lanes!

I do love saying wrong
side of the road in front of
people who aren't...

It's the right side
of the road.
We're the idiots.

No, we're not.
No, we're not!

Steering wheel's on
the wrong side, on
the wrong side of the road.

-The 405 is a nightmare.
-It's hell.

-I'd not want to do
my first solo drive.
-Yeah.

-Now your first car was a--
-My first car was
a 1967 Mustang.

And er...I had a couple of
jobs in New York,

that allowed me
to buy the car.

Then I was gonna drive it
from New York to Los Angeles,

where I had another job
waiting for me.

And I was driving
across Texas,

and this was the cheaper
model of the 1967 Mustang.

It was a straight-six,
not a lot of power.

And I guess there was
an 80-mile-an-hour wind
coming east.

I was trying to go west,
and the wind was more
powerful than my car

so in the middle of the
highway it just stopped.

And, I'm not
a mechanically-inclined guy

so I got rid of the Mustang
as quickly as I could.

You, on the other hand,
are mechanically-minded,
aren't you?

Yeah, well, my best mate
as I grew up was
a farmer's boy

and so I was always
on the farms with him.

And there was, like, tractors
and quads and motorbikes.

-Are you a bike enthusiast?
-My dad is a big biker.
Like, big, big biker.

So I was always on
the back of his bike.

Pillion passengers through
the Brecon Beacons, you know?

Did your dad have a 1600E?

That was...
Yeah, when I was born,

he had a 1600E Cortina
in azure blue,

and when I was born,
he put my name on
his number plate.

I grew up with this
very special car.

Well, now you're into
my specialist subject here.

You may have to tune out for
a moment here, because to...

I don't think it was
available in blue,
the 1600E.

No. It wasn't.
But you'll need to ask him
the answer to that.

-Why, is he here?
-He's there.

-Was it, how did you get...?
He's brought his dad?
-Brought my dad, yeah.

-Have you brought your dad?
-No.
-That'd be hilarious.

How did you have
a blue Cortina 1600E?

Well, the Mark IIs
came out in the silver fox,

but after a few years
they started to fade.

-So I bought one and
I had it re-sprayed.
-You painted it?

-I thought, I sort of...
-Stylish for a Valley boy!

Azure blue, I mean, come on!

I had a 1600E.
It was amber gold.
They were the coolest cars.

-Do you remember it?
-Yeah, I do remember it.
It was beautiful.

I mean, I remember that
I chipped the...
the walnut, er, dashboard,

cos I was in the car
like this with my teeth,
and he'd braked and I split.

I literally have guilt
even now and I was
only five at the time.

Your dad was cross with you
for smashing your teeth out
cos he braked too hard?

Oh, yeah, the car was
everything, like yeah.

You smashed your
face in on the dashboard?

Yeah, I lost my front teeth,
but it was the walnut veneer
that was the...

- This is the Poor Parenting
Award here, this is.

Now we've got to find out,

well, basically whether
we're gonna call you
Canadian or British.

Who wants to see their laps?

-So, Kiefer, we're gonna
have a look at yours first.
-OK.

So, here we go.

It's a beautiful day
once again
in the heartland of England.

Accelerate.
Accelerate, brake.

That's the right way
to do it. Oh, cutting
that corner nicely.

It's tricky here cos you've
got to slow down then
get on the power,

which you've done very well
as you go left

and into what we're calling
The Difficult Bit.

And there we go.

Oh, that's tidy.
That is tidy. Not exuberant.

Through the banked turned,
the Gravelsel, and back down
toward the Difficult Bit Two.

I must say you are
holding that very nicely
through there.

We had the traction control
wound back so you've got
a loose rear end.

Now it goes very slippery.
Oh, nicely held there.

On the power ready to go down
the straight bit that isn't
really very straight,

like our other track.

Hell, let's see if
you've got any bottle.

Supposed to be flat through.
Oh...that is actually
very quick through there!

That is very nicely
done indeed.

Hard on the brakes and
through the last corner

also very nicely
and across the line.

That is tidy!

Tidy lap. It was quite good.

-You've got people that are
very helpful out there.
-Yeah. Well, they do.

They teach you how, but then
you've got to go solo.
You have to do it.

-So how was yours, good fun?
-I loved it.

I didn't want to get out.
They had to peel me
out of the car!

Who'd like to see the lap?

Come on.
Let's have a look at Luke's.

Come on!

OK, right. Also cutting
the corner, taking it...

I think it's a good idea
to go sl... Oh, ha-ha.

Just about hold it together
and onto the gravel.

Listen to that exhaust
popping away, that's good
for a two-litre engine, that.

Oh, exuberant!
Coming wide through there,
that looks good.

This gravel is crazy!

It's not necessarily the
fastest way to have the arse
of it hanging out like that,

but it does look good.

Right, yeah, looking good
through there as well.

This is keeping it tidier,
this is better.

It can get a bit fish-taily
down here if you're not
careful, but it's all right.

And onto the slippery,
dusty bit.

Keeping it wide.

Now, flat-out.
Do you keep it flat through
the last corner?

Now I should brake,
but I'm not gonna.

Are you not gonna brake?
No, you are not!

Oh, though, that is fast,
nearly losing it,

but just got it together
in time to brake
for the last corner.

Nicely held through there
and across the line!

Well done.

Well done.

Right. I have got
your times here.

So, Kiefer Sutherland,

you did it in
one minute...17.8.

-OK.
-I'll pop that up there, now.

Luke Evans. One minute...

...21.3.

So, there's nothing
we can do about that.

I loved it.

-Now you're British!
-Oh, great!

Can't resist it.

So there we are.

Just in case you're thinking,
"Oh, no, I'm gonna have to
hang myself..."

- We've had a 1:24.4.
- 1:24.1. 1:23.6. 1:23.

You're actually there
the fifth fastest.

So that's really
not a bad time.

It's just his was stellar,
absolutely stellar.

There we are,
ladies and gentlemen,

Luke Evans and the
fastest actor in the world

whose middle name is George,
Kiefer Sutherland!

Thank you very much.

Brilliant!

Now, thank you.

Now, tonight we are proving

that old Jaguars are
reliable and brilliant.

Yep, and we rejoin the action
just as we are about to embark

on one of the biggest
challenges us three
have ever faced,

avoiding the expense
of ski passes and
hiring all the kit,

by going skiing in our cars.

Easter Sunday, Telluride.

Rich pickings for a man
with a Jag.

Hello, my dear.

Having found
somewhere to park,

Hammond checked
into the hotel.

Check-in please. Thank you.
Can I borrow your pen?
Thank you.

You can fill that out.
And right here is your key.

-Room number, Wi-Fi.
-Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.

I, meanwhile,
headed for the restaurant.

It's definitely corked.

Sorry.

The next morning,
it was cold outside.

So, we needed warm clothes
for our trip
up the mountains.

James therefore
went shopping, Jag-style.

And I didn't.

Welcome to the hotel, sir. I
could take your... your coat.

Thank you very much.

-Had a pleasant trip?
-Yes. Yes, thank you.

-Your hat?
-Oh, well, thank you.

Perhaps your bag as well,
sir. Thank you very much.

If you'd like to see my
colleague on reception
that would be marvellous.

-Excellent.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Right, that's my warm weather
gear sorted out.

I actually nicked that idea
from Peter Sellers.

Don't think he'll mind
because of course,
he had a Jag.

Once we were fully equipped
with suitable clothing,

we drove straight
past the lifts,

and hit the gradients.

Ha-ha, slopes.

Here we go. Speed and power.

Unfortunately, for once,
speed and power
didn't seem to do the trick.

Oh... Ski, damn you!
Come on ski, Jag!

We're going to have to admit
this isn't working.

Luckily, James then
had a brainwave.

And down at the resort's
workshop, he borrowed
some metal poles,

which he used to
shackle our cars together.

If this works,
I'll eat my own head.

Six-wheel drive,
all at the same time.

Right, everybody select drive
in three, two, one... Gently.

Yes! I think we've got this.

Yeah!

We're like
The Human Centipede!

Yeah, no, I got that wrong.

Oh, hello...
James is going a bit skewy.
I'll give him more power.

Hammond,
you're jack-knifing me
towards the edge.

Or Clarkson,
one of you, somebody.

I'm not doing anything!
You're steering.

You're at the front.
You're the head
of this caterpillar!

I'm not steering!
You are. It's jack-knife...

No, it's the edge!
Stop, stop!

Right, everybody in reverse.

Three, two, one, gently go.

-Jeremy, where are you going?
-You're the one that
steers us going backwards.

I wasn't steering you
that way, why are you there?

-You've jack-knifed us
Hammond, you stupid idiot!
-I'm not doing that!

I'm not!

Eventually,
after much bickering...

You're pushing me
over the edge,
you blithering...

When you're
going backwards,
you're steering you.

-Whose idea was this?
-Hammond,
you're doing it again.

...we started to
get the hang of it.

I knew this would work.
All you got to do is
co-ordinate the brains.

This is what comes from
many, many years of
working together,

that intuitive bond
that links us.

Bond of hatred.

And there we are, the summit.

12,500 feet.

We have made it!

Ho-ho!

Good. Right, let's unhitch.

Having bypassed
the lifts and cable cars, it
was time to start skiing.

Which was a bit of a worry.

Don't look over that edge.

But there's a bit of...
It gets really steep.

People do this for fun, yeah?

- Not in old Jags.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.

If you went wrong here, look.
You'd have time to phone
your insurance company.

You'd start
filling the form out.

There's the airfield, look.

I can see Heathrow from here.

But, since the only
way down was down,
we set off.

Gingerly.

Just an ordinary drive.
Just an ordinary drive.

Oh... Oh.

Jeez, that's... Don't look.

Erm...there's an... Oh, God.

It's in case
I need to bail out.

Steering wheel's
working a bit... Ah!

Ooh!

Oh, gawd. What you've got
to be wary of is losing
the back of the car.

Ooh! Oh, cripes.

Practise braking.
Practise braking.

Nothing.

Just going to write a book
while we don't stop.
Still not stopping.

Picking up speed! Oh, my God!

Got no control now.

Ah...it won't stop!

I'm going to hit that tree.
There's nothing... No.

Jesus Christ!

Mercifully, the gradient
eventually levelled out,

but then it became
very narrow.

Oh, my God!
Look at the drop on our left.

Holy shit.

It's... Oh, God.

Oh!
That's genuinely alarming!

I'm crabbing.

Bloody hell.

Just, why don't you just go
in a straight line?

Just please,
just briefly...

James, is your car
crabbing as well for
absolutely no reason?

Yeah,
it's absolutely terrifying.

Oh. Oh.

Don't look at the view.
Don't look at the drop.

ing hell,
this is scary.

Ah...oh.

Oh, shit. Shit, shit!

Having not fallen over
the terrifying drop,

we then had to
drive down one.

Holy mother of God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my giddy aunt.

This is quick now.

Oh-ho-ho!

I'm gonna change up a gear.
That was a mistake.
That was a massive mistake.

Just go in a straight line,
you bastard.

Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.

Oh!

But none of us died,
and then Jag-skiing
started to come together.

Oh, yes, I'm slalom skiing
now is what I'm doing,
and I'm doing it well!

Ya-ha-ha!

Ho-ho!

And let's be honest,
after one day on normal skis,

you'd still be
pretty rubbish.

Whereas here,
we are absolutely brilliant.

Love to do this with
other people on the slopes
at the same time.

Could actually
run into a snowboarder.

"Oh, I'm sorry,
was that annoying?

Now you know
what it feels like."

Eventually, we started on the
final leg down into the town,

and Richard and I
got into a bit of a race.

Come on. Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Give me a little bit more go.

Oh, bumpy, oh, very bumpy.
Very bumpy.

-Oh, yes.
-Oh, no!

Whoa, that was a biggy!

Meanwhile,
a little further back...

Oh, gawd! I've got
a brake warning light on.

I don't know what that means.
Pad wear? System failure?
God knows.

There's the town.

We're coming in
hot and stylishly.

And we wouldn't have to walk
to the hotel in silly boots.

We'd simply drive there.

Oh, hello.

Whoa!

Whaagh!

Oh-ho-ho-no!

Oh ho-ho-ho!
Oh, there's been an accident.

- Ah.
- Damn.

Right.

Only we...

No, look, we meant to park
them there, they look good.

Oh, no!

Just keep working, brakes,
for another ten seconds
or so.

Exactly where we
wanted them to be,

and that's where they are,
and that's good.

Er...anyway, the thing is
that we got here...
well, there,

without a single problem,
and with a very
definite conclusion.

-Buy an XJR.
-Whoa, no, hang on!

The point of this exercise
was to demonstrate Jaguar's
reliability as a make.

Yes, but we have,
and we've also...

What? Oh.

Oh, er...

Brilliant, so we get
all the way to the very end,

and then you ruin it.

It was hardly my fault,
was it? The brakes failed!

- But now you've just
told everybody!

And now they all think that
Jaguars have faults,
and they won't buy one.

Which means this entire
programme has been
a complete waste of time.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much for
watching, see you next time.
Goodbye.