Original subtitles

All right. What's happened?

Everything?

This will only take a minute, Mr. Freeman.

Uh, forget the mess.

My secretary's taken the day off again.

Some hasidic holiday or something.

It's a Rosha... Krishna... Shanana... who the hell knows.

Anyhow, as you know, your mother owed bad taxes,

so there's really nothing to turn over

other than one ring, emerald clad, platinum setting,

one box, cardboard variety,

containing her, mm... "Most prized possessions."

And that's it.

Otherwise. The government's got you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman,

and they usually win in that tug of war.

Now, if you would press hard,

and bend it that way, it's there, three copies,

right there, and right here,

and one more time.

And that's it. Thank you, sir.

For your time, for your business.

And for not blubbering on the mahogany.

Oh, whoa! Hold on a minute.

Looks like we got a floater.

It seems, Mr. Freeman, that there is one bill

your dear old mama did manage to pay off.

- Hi, Rhonda. - Hi, Lenny.

Sorry about your loss.

Oh, well, thank you.

Um, before I leave, I just wanted to say that it has been so nice working with you

and I'm so sorry we never got a chance to go out on a date or anything

because you know, you always were busy with relatives in the town and stuff.

Okay.

And I wanna thank you for being my best work pal, Allen.

Look for me in television.

And now, live from Las Vegas,

it's the Monte guy show.

Tonight's guests include comedian Jimmy Shaw,

and the winner of last year's stand-up stand-off Willy Vince.

Now, let's say hello to Monte guy.

- Hey, Shakespeare. - Hmm?

You in for oxygen or just another refill?

Oh, no, thank you.

"No, thank you, I've just about milked the shit out of

this bottomless cup of 60-cent coffee,"

or, "no, thank you, I'm about ready to order something

so I don't waste any more of the lovely miss Evelyn's valuable fucking time"?

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, um, how are your eggs?

Just dandy. How's your sperm?

It's a joke. What, you zombie people got no sense of humor?

I'm sorry. I just didn't realize you were trying to be funny.

I wasn't trying to be funny. I am funny.

There's a difference.

Yes, ma'am.

Why don't you save your negative commentary for the shit on the menu?

Now, what do you want?

Um, I will have three eggs.

- Scrambled? - Uh, scrambled.

Oh, and a side of sausage, a side of bacon, and a side of biscuits and gravy, please.

That comes with a heart attack.

Would you like that for here or to go?

It's a joke!

I didn't...

Hey, what are you getting off for my shit ain't funny?

I'll have you know my shit is very funny.

Hey, Richie, tell the man how funny my shit is.

Your shit is very funny.

What? You wanna be zombie sides? Don't have pockets or a sense of humor?

No, actually, I am a stand-up comedian.

I mean, I will be soon.

That is the funniest shit I had heard in weeks.

You ain't no motherfucking stand-up.

No, no, not yet, but I'm on my way to Las Vegas for the Monte guy audition.

- The what? - The stand-up stand-off.

You know, Monte guy. - Huh.

Well, I'm sure he'll just snap your writer's ass right up,

you being on the cutting cost with contemporary comedy and all.

That wasn't very nice.

Hey, you started it, Pillsbury.

You sit there, all rude and shit,

start pulling an Easter island on me.

Well, I'm sorry.

Maybe I'll just take my waitress skills closer to Vegas,

where they'll be more fully appreciated. You hear that Richie?

- Okay, I said I was sorry. - Too late.

You've offended me beyond repair.

Hey, Louis, three eggs, and fuck 'em up. And heavy on the cholesterol.

I got Bob hope out here on the road to a coronary.

- George? - Yes?

You're awfully funny on the radio.

Everybody says so.

You're the funniest comedian in the world, George. May I have your autograph?

- You wanted my autograph? - Yes.

Right here on this dotted line.

Oh, so that's what you're up to,

trying to get my signature on that silly contract.

Well, it didn't work. Now get out of here.

Yes, dear.

- Costume party? - Oh, no, thank you.

I'm on my way to Las Vegas.

- Is it much further? - About 200 miles.

Either way, once you hit lamb bone, just keep an eye out for that heavenly glow.

- Can't miss it. - Uh, thank you.

Is the bathroom clean?

Just ate dinner off the floor.

Hello?

Dirty guy?

Sorry, chief, didn't mean to startle you.

Was wondering if you could spare me a lift.

I'm sorry. I'm not going that way.

How do you know?

- Know what? - Where I'm going.

Well...

I just... I don't pick up hitchhikers. It's just something my mom used to say.

You understand.

Sure, can't be too careful these days, right?

Yeah. Well, sorry I couldn't help.

Actually, you could help. You just chose not to.

There's a difference.

No worries.

Always another way.

Well, okay, uh, you should look me up,

if you're ever in Las Vegas.

You famous?

Not yet, but I'm going to be.

Hey, you want a ride?

Gee, that's awfully nice of Ronnie,

to let me take his Oscar home so I could show it to Rochester.

Hmm. Sure is dark tonight.

No moon.

Oh, well.

Hey, bud. Bud.

Huh?

You got a match?

Yes. Yes, I have one right here

Don't make a move, this is a stick-up.

Mister, put down that gun.

Shut up. I said this is a stick-up.

Now come on. Your money or your life.

I already fixed this for you once today.

I wish you'd learn to take care of your shit.

Sorry. As Luke 12:15 says...

Don't get patronizing with me. I know what it says.

Look, bud, I said your money or your life.

I'm thinking it over.

You're not gonna turn out to be some kind of pervert, are you?

Oh, pervert?

No. Definitely not a pervert.

You sure?

Well, I'd cross my heart but my wife took that along with the house.

Oh! Thanks, man.

Getting a little wet out there.

Woo!

This sure is one sweet bitch, ain't she? What is she, a '52?

- A '53. - Oh, nice.

I had this old Chevy once,

all done up Spaccano style.

Fat tires, the works.

My wife used to accuse me of loving that car more than her.

I said to her, "sweetheart,

that's impossible. I burned my dick on the tailpipe."

I burned my dick on the tailpipe.

- Did you have a name for it? - What, my dick?

- No, your car. - Oh, fuck, yeah, man.

Pinstriped right across the side.

"Black magic."

Just like the old Louis prima song.

My mother loved Louis prima.

- Ain't that a fan? - Yes!

Although, prima, he liked to hunt the off-season beaver,

if you catch my drift.

He had a bone for his 16-year-old backup singer

tell your mama that one. That'll blow her skirt up.

She just passed away.

Look at that. I've gone and offended you with my off-colored dialog.

You know what, I don't even deserve your generosity.

You can go ahead and pull over right here

- there ain't no hard feelings. - No, no, no.

It's all right. Really.

I'm kind of relieved to have somebody else do all the talking actually.

I... I've never picked up a hitchhiker before.

You ain't never picked up a hitchhiker?

Jesus, don't I feel like Hitler at passover.

You are truly a selfless soul, my friend.

You know what, I actually stopped because I was curious when I saw your sign.

I mean, I guess I just... I...

Name's hitch.

Hitch?

That's my name, that's my game.

Uh, Lenny.

Where are you from, "uh, Lenny"?

Peoria, Illinois.

How about you?

Oh, I'm from all over, I guess.

I've never been living in one place for long.

Only time my old man settles is when he paid off his bar tab.

That is funny.

Could I use that?

Mi casa, Su casa.

That's a shame, you being solo,

what with your dad dead and no kin.

How did you know that?

Well, I just kind of assumed that was the situation,

you know, you living with your mom and all.

Oh, right. Yeah.

You thought I was a mind reader there for a second, didn't you? Made you nervous.

No, man, I ain't no mind reader.

Just a sign reader,

and that one up ahead that you're about to blow through says, "stop."

I'm taking near-death experience over sex any day of the week!

Woo!

You know what, I'd like to buy you some food.

Would you like me to do that, Lenny?

You don't mind if I call you that, do you?

Huh?

All right, you know what, I'm gonna need you to pull over right up in there.

Gonna make a withdrawal.

I'm gonna be just a minute,

and I'm gonna leave my bag in here with you 'cause I trust you, Lenny.

Now don't go peeking at my private parts.

Evening, ma'am.

Now you look to me like someone who appreciates a good laugh.

Now, please, stop me if you heard this one before.

I've noticed you've got a lot of old time comedy crap in your car.

My mom and I used to memorize routines together.

Mmm. Fun.

Eh, too bad no one wants to hear that shit no more.

I don't know. That material is classic.

Come on, Lenny. Wake up and smell the headlines.

You know how comedians work,

and they're the angry pricks ranting about how fucked up everything is.

The more filthy, the better.

I don't know. I used to manage a couple of jokers.

You did?

They're a pain in the ass.

Always bitching about how so and so ain't as funny as they are,

so and so stole their material, so and so blew so and so's gig on Monte guy.

I mean, who needs that shit, right?

I guess.

Don't tell me.

You want to be a stand-up, don't you?

Actually, yes.

I'm on my way to Las Vegas for the Monte guy auditions.

Are you any good?

Well, my mother thought so.

Pardon my French, but fuck your mother.

I'm about a real audience. You ever headline, or you strictly a middle man?

I don't follow.

Did you ever open for a group of respirating humans and make 'em laugh for money?

You mean, like on a stage?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

Hey, how about you open for me?

But you'll have to open real wide.

Don't mind him. He thinks he's a comedian.

Hey, baby, you know I'm a comedian.

Yeah, I guess your performance has been pretty humorous lately.

That supposed to be funny?

Sorry.

Hey, more coffee?

Um, is he really a comedian?

Yeah, t-bird headlines at the yuck stop.

They've got an open-mic there every night, no cover.

Half the town is there

along with most of the people passing through on their way to Vegas.

Well, what a coincidence.

That is exactly where we're headed, ain't that right?

Lenny here is looking to be famous.

Ain't that right, Lenny?

Oh, what a shame. I was just starting to like your friend.

Oh, boy.

She sure is pretty.

Here's your big chance, Lenny.

Oh, no, she would never go out with me.

The open-mic, cabbage head.

Destiny is calling. It's time to get up there and shake your stuff.

No, no, no. I've got to get to Las Vegas.

Suit yourself.

I mean, if you wanna make a complete ass of yourself

before the Caesar of comedy, that's your business,

but believe you me, I know the man,

you only get one shot in front of Monte.

This fucking thing ate my money.

Well, maybe if you ask real nicely,

the queen will play us something.

Moi?

Thank you, everyone.

I'd be delighted.

This one's for you, grail baby.

So, you really think I ought to try out this open-mic thing?

Hey, man, it's your foreskin.

I just think you're nuts to blow your load on Monte

without trying out your material on some live cadavers, but...

Do what you want.

I ain't your manager.

But you could be.

You could be my manager, hitch.

Well...

Well, I don't know. I mean, I like you. I like you. I do.

I do, but, you know, it's just...

It's just you're not exactly cracking me up a mile a minute over here, Lenny.

But you haven't even heard my routine,

and if there's something you don't like, then you can punch it up.

Yeah, but see, it's just not that simple, man. You see...

Comedy is like sex, right?

What one person finds enjoyable, another person might find sick and disgusting.

I couldn't go into a relationship in which I didn't have complete trust.

Please, hitch.

I have dreamt about this my whole life.

Well, I gotta warn you, Lenny,

I don't enter into contracts lightly.

Oh, no, me neither.

No. Cross my heart.

Well, I know you got a mighty big heart there, Lenny.

Looks like we got us a contract.

Turn away from Babylonia!

Evening, father Ricky.

Close the door before you let the flies out.

There is a deceitful prince upon us.

He will bring destruction and despair

unto god's chosen people.

The time is at hand, Babylonia.

Yes, the time is at hand!

See, these are the jokes that got me banned from the chuckle hut.

Some bitch over there doesn't want me performing there

so she tells me my material is offensive to the women's movement.

The women's movement? What the hell is that?

Bunch of broads get together and take a dump?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm all about female empowerment.

The fuck are you doing?

I don't understand a fucking thing you just said.

Hey, thumb master, how about that cocktail?

I said I'm going over my routine.

Why don't you do it in fu-Ba-cking English?

Because this loosens my tongue.

If you want a loose tongue, suck on this.

Gagging...

All right, all right.

How about a hand for Mr. sensitive, t-bird!

All right, all right, look alive.

It's time to switch over to the open-mic portion of the program.

Now listen, if any of you jokers are thinking about coming up here,

you make sure you sign up on my list.

All right! Put your hairy palms together for our first guest.

He comes to us all the way from Peoria, wherever the fuck that is.

Welcome to the stage Mr. Lenny Freeman.

Next.

Uh... uh...

- But you know what, I've... - Next!

I'm, uh...

Come on, man, let's see some fucking comedy.

- I... Uh... -Those jokes are so old, they fart dust.

Get off the stage.

Oh, I think you hurt his feelings, Tommy.

Get off the stage. You suck.

You suck, you suck, you suck,

you suck, you suck, you suck,

you suck, you suck, you suck,

I hate him.

I hate him, and I know it's wrong to, but I do.

And I wish...

I wish he was dead.

Ain't nothing wrong with hate, Lenny.

No, no. Never hate or curse, my mother always said.

You see... no, man, see...

That's the problem of folks today.

Everyone's afraid to express their real feelings.

Takes a real man to admit to hate.

Real man.

I mean, I have been working hard all of my life

and then he had to go and ruin it.

And I'll tell you this, he ruined it for everyone.

Oh, there, there, Princess.

I mean, why would you go all "you suck" like that?

Well, that's an easy one, Lenny. 'Cause you do.

Oh, yeah, very funny.

No, man, I mean, you suck real bad.

Real bad. I mean some people just plain suck-suck, you take sucking to a whole new level.

It's almost spiritual, how amazingly you suck.

- Oh. - That don't mean...

That we can't whip your ass into shape for ol' Monte.

Maybe I should just go home.

Oh, now cheer up, buckaroo. You don't wanna let your dear sweet mama down, do you?

The worst is over man. You bombed.

So what, man, happens to the best of them.

What's that old saying? At first you don't succeed, fuck 'em.

I don't know that one.

But you know what, Lenny,

you got to get mad.

You gotta get mad, and get right back out there.

Example. It's like I'm on the road, right?

Thumb out, freezing off my cold nuts,

some four-wheel double-engine douchebag gives me the "sorry, not today" salute.

You know what I do? I get mad.

I get mad.

And while I'm waiting for that next guy to come along,

I think about all the things I'd do to that first car if I ever caught up with him.

I go over it and over it in my mind. Every teensy-weensy little detail.

The pressure on the ball of my foot as I grind my boot into his Adam's apple.

The look in his eyes as I plunge my thumbs in his sockets.

The snap, crackle, pop of his skull as I crack it open like a cantaloupe

and squeeze the life out of his temporal lobe,

inch by inch by inch.

Killing is a sin.

Man, killing a man in your mind ain't like killing a man for real, Lenny.

It's like...

It's like therapy.

Trust me, little tune up...

You're gonna be good as new.

Well, thanks, hitch. I feel better.

I'm gonna go throw up now.

Yeah.

I hate him.

What are you looking at, dick head?

Now, that's funny.

Aw, nuts.

What's the problemo?

I got a stupid flat tire.

Oh, I don't know, I'd be happy to help you, Lenny,

but I ain't supposed to be out in the sun.

Doctor's orders.

Besides, I should probably get ready to puke here in just a minute.

Okay, but don't mess up my car, okay?

I just had everything taken...

Leonard, don't tell me the spare is flat too.

Oh, boy.

What the hell did you do, Lenny? I didn't mean for you to kill the fucker.

I didn't. I don't... I don't know. I...

He... he came out of the club, and... and he was urinating and I was regurgitating and...

- I don't remember! - Hey!

Piss off! We're closed.

I'm just fixing a flat tire. I'm leaving right now.

Oh, it's you.

You really sucked last night.

Yes, I know. Thank you!

Oh, hitch, what am I gonna do?

I don't want to go to prison and have sex with men.

You should have thought of that before you decided

to play don't break the ice with his head.

Please, hitch, you gotta help me.

The things I do for my clients.

Come on.

Fucking tragedy, that's what it is.

I never even ran over a dog.

Putting up another money trap in the middle of all this fucking beauty.

Not that I'm a big fan of desert, mind you.

Too much sun, and I'm a dead man.

Yep. Might burn like a Salem witch.

I hate the fuckin' desert.

I killed a person.

Still, it's a shame though, ripping up a bunch of cactus for some big neon igloo

filled with free cocktails, silicon tits.

Chopped him up to pieces...

You know how many lives are ruined by gambling every year, statistically speaking?

A fucking lot. That's how many.

Shits like cholesterol gets in your arteries, and you are fucked.

Except of course, in gambling, you can still eat bacon.

Aren't you listening?

I killed a person.

I... I killed him, and then I cut him up...

And then I buried him, and then I un-buried him...

Now I can't get rid of him and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, if you'd stop thinking about yourself for a fucking nanosecond,

you'd see that I'm over here trying to draw situational analogies

to help you see that you're not the only guy in the world with fucking problems.

I'm sorry.

Oh, forget it.

I know you're under a lot of stress with this recent dismemberment thing and all.

Oh, hey, what time is it?

Almost 7:00.

Perfect. Gonna be back just in time for open-mic.

What? No, I can't go there.

Hey, you gotta trust me now, Lenny. You gotta get back up on that horse.

No, no, no. We gotta get out of here. No, I have to go on the lam.

- The lam? - Yes. I have to...

Grow a beard, and I have to drive to Mexico or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Thelma.

You don't understand. Hitch, I have never been in trouble.

And now I'm in the worst kind of trouble ever.

No, you ain't, Lenny.

- Yes, I am, hitch. - No, you ain't.

- Yes, I am, hitch. - No, you ain't, Lenny.

Okay.

Now you are.

Here. Let me see. Here.

Act natural.

I know what you're thinking.

Whether you're on 65 or 50,

well, to tell you the truth, in all of this excitement, I kinda forgot myself.

So you've got to ask yourself one thing.

Do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya, punk?

All right.

Out of the car there, pilgrim.

Hands where I can see 'em.

Now I know this might seem a bit odd, officer,

but the reason my friend here is such a mess is we were just...

You talkin' to me?

Well, you must be talkin' to me. There isn't anyone else here.

Let's see what's in the trunk.

Go ahead.

Make my afternoon.

Go ahead, Lenny.

Pop the trunk.

Just means we're gonna be late for your performance.

Performance?

That's right, officer. My friend here is a performer,

and this is all part of his routine.

Not that that should excuse us from breaking the law.

Performers, huh?

Yes, indeed. Now... now, if I'm not mistaken,

you got a little performer in you yourself, don't you, officer, uh, flick, is it?

You noticed, did you?

Hey, you know what, I got a great idea.

How about you join us as our guest tonight at the club?

You see, we're all true as toast.

Ain't that right, Lenny?

'Course, we are running a tad late.

Yeah.

Yeah. Don't get me started on all that glass ceiling shit.

Women. They all wanna talk about the glass ceiling. Don't get ahead of yourself, okay?

Let's start small. Let's talk about the glass coffee table first.

That's where you're on top and I'm underneath, taking pictures.

Oh, you've got a nice smile there.

Oh, I got a lil' smudge...

Oh, what, too far?

That was too far for you? Okay, okay.

Hey, just so you ladies don't think I'm a total cad,

I'm gonna buy one of you a drink. Which one of you wants a drink?

Yeah, I'll give you a... I'll get you a nice little drink here.

You know.

Oh, yeah.

You want some of this, baby? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

There you go, darling.

There you go. Come on.

Bottoms up. I'm t-bird.

The one and only t-bird.

All right, all right, all right, settle the fuck down.

All right, we have a special guest back with us for open-mic.

Some of you might remember his... his stunning debut last night.

Please welcome to the stage, for more abuse,

Lenny Freeman.

Um, I'm sorry I'm such a mess.

I just killed a guy.

H... he was heckling me.

Then I... I had to learn the hard way that...

It's pretty difficult getting rid of a body these days.

I cut him up into... Pieces, but...

That's what I had to do just to get him into that tiny little hole.

He was much bigger than I thought.

Maybe it's the...

Today's portion sizes, I don't know.

You know what... You know what the hardest part about cutting someone into pieces is?

It's the bones.

No, really. The bones were the hardest part.

It's me.

You got a lot of nerve.

I can explain, okay?

I take you into my kingdom, and this is how you fucking repay me?

It was a mistake. I'm gonna pay you back, every cent.

Goodbye, Stan. We all know how this is gonna end.

Wait. Wait. Hey.

I got something for you.

A live one. I've been grooming him.

If you're looking for your friend, he's gone.

Asked me to give you this.

That's some funny stuff up there tonight, Mr. Freeman.

Uh, yes, thank you.

I always wanted to get up on stage myself. I just never had the guts.

I bet you think I'm some kind of coward hiding behind this badge.

Well, duty calls.

Some old lady queer cracked her head at mini-mart.

Found her dead in the freezer case.

Good luck, Mr. Freeman.

Here's looking at you, kid.

- What are you doing here? - Put these on.

- Why? -Why do you think? To keep a low profile.

There.

- What are you doing? - Celebrating.

- Pink squirrel? -No. We've got to get out of here.

- Are you crazy? -Of course, I'm crazy. I just killed a man.

Whoa, slow down there, gentle John.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I'll tell you what's happening to you, Lenny.

You're a hit.

You heard that crowd tonight. That was a killer set, my friend.

No pun intended.

Yeah, but I chopped up a human being.

He wasn't a human being. He was a biker.

There's a difference.

Man, don't you see what's going on here? You got exactly what you wanted.

What'll it be, gentlemen?

Uh, you serve food here?

Depends on what you consider food.

Uh, let's get a couple of menus, please, and another one of these.

Mm-hmm.

I'll put it in a dribble glass.

Hitch, this is not what I wanted.

You said you wanted to be famous.

No. I mean...

I mean, yes, I did.

It's just, I don't know anymore because everything is just wrong.

Okay. There, there, let it all out.

You know, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

Now, would it make you feel any better if I told you that I killed the guy?

You're just trying to be nice.

No. No. You see, you passed out, and I...

Well, I kinda bashed the guy's head in with a tire-arm.

Needed to be done.

Now, come on. Blow your nose.

There you go.

- You... you killed for real? - Mm-hmm.

You feel better now?

Oh, wow.

That's great. That means I'm not a murderer.

Oh, wait a minute.

That makes you a murderer.

Wait a minute. You're a murderer!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?

I won't tell anyone, hitch. I swear. I swear.

I mean, if you kill somebody, you must be having a good reason.

- Of course, I do. - So, what's the verdict?

Uh, nothing.

Hey, don't I know you?

Could you come back later, please?

I did it for you, Lenny.

- How about you, Mr. pink? - Just toast, please.

What do you mean you did it for me?

You said you wished he was dead.

We don't serve no "just toast."

If you want just toast, you have to order just chicken salad.

But I didn't ask you to do anything.

- But I don't want just chicken salad. - Hitch.

The chicken salad comes toasted. I suggest you order.

- Hitch. -Or the lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise.

- Hitch. -What do I do with the chicken salad?

I am not a part of this.

Why don't you hold it between your knees?

I am not a part of any of this.

Now you are.

Come on, get up.

All right!

Now, any of you assholes want a couple of new assholes and start making macho.

Thank you, everybody. You've been a great audience.

Now, please, don't forget to tip your waitresses.

You feel better now?

Oh, that's real mature.

Do you realize what you did?

Yeah. Killed some loudmouth waitress.

Maybe she'll think twice about lipping off in the afterlife.

Everyone saw us.

Which means that everyone is gonna have a different story.

That's the beauty of crowds.

This is insane!

You gave me no choice. You were about to run.

I had to think fast.

Now, you're not going anywhere.

Now you're an accomplice.

Oh, no. No, no. I didn't do anything.

Oh, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything.

Man, you are starting to sound like a broken 8-track.

Don't you remember our little deal over din-din?

Oh, hitch, I would do anything if you help me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Man, you finally got what you wanted.

You're a fucking comic sensation.

You should be happy as a super model's panty shield.

Do I get so much as a thank you? No, I do not.

Thank you? For what?

You have killed a bunch of innocent people.

No one in this world is innocent, Lenny, only uninvolved.

Consider yourself involved.

Now you've finally got a little inspiration, man.

And it's in that trunk any time you need it.

Okay.

Okay. Take the car.

You don't need me.

Well, I appreciate the offer, Lenny, but see, I don't drive.

You're kidding.

You know how many people get killed behind the wheel of one of them things every year,

statistically speaking, I mean?

A fucking lot. That's how many.

Nope. I'm afraid there's only one way out of our contract.

I don't think you got the acorns.

- Anything. I'll do it. - Oh yeah?

- Yes. - Yeah? Okay.

Here. Here you go. Come on!

Come on, Mr. money-where- your-mouth-is. Come on.

Yeah, all right, come on.

There you go.

There you go. Do it, Lenny.

Splatter the matter!

Take the desert.

One squeeze, and you're a free man, Freeman.

Oh, yeah, that feels nice, don't it, being the one in control?

Yeah, come on, Lenny, do it.

Do it. You know I ain't right for this world, Lenny.

Do it.

Do it!

Oh, man.

Got you.

Oh, man.

Now that's funny.

Whether you like it or not,

we're a team, partner,

just like bing and Jerry.

Now, remember,

in trying to cut out, I might have every trooper within a hundred miles

crawling through that trunk of yours like gerbils in an ass convention.

Please don't kill anyone.

Anyway, Lenny, just to prove to you that I'm a man of my word,

I'm gonna leave my gun in the glove compartment.

How do I know that's the real one?

Well, if you pull the trigger when it's in your mouth,

and it opens a hole about yea big,

then you know.

Come on, now. There you go. Keep 'em up.

You look to me like someone who appreciates a good laugh.

Now stop me if you heard this one before.

Read the...

Never mind. Come on.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Are you going somewhere?

Was I speeding, officer?

No. No.

- '52? - '53.

It's nice.

I used to have an Oldsmobile.

I remember it had a lot of trunk space.

Why don't we use this spare tire in place of this spare tire,

while we wait for your friend to get done with his business?

Sweet mother of...

Now, get up.

It's showtime.

And the...

And then the next thing I notice,

there's blood everywhere.

I mean... everywhere...

Except inside of him anymore.

Then... to make matters worse,

I'm running out of clean shirts.

Maybe like if... If you would eat a lobster without a bib on...

Except... except the difference is that...

When you crack open a lobster, it doesn't...

Scream for its life and spray blood everywhere.

If it... did...

I think there's be a lot less seafood restaurants.

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Hey, hey, hey. Where are you going, sunshine?

- I quit. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this any way to treat your manager?

Okay. You are not my manager.

You are a cold-blooded killer. That's what you are.

Sticks and stones, Lenny, sticks and stones.

Hey, man.

Would you sign this for me?

- Huh? -I mean, you know, for when you're famous.

How can you leave all this, Lenny?

Hey, tell you what, Lenny, I'm gonna take tonight's drama

to get us a nice spread over at that flea palace

they call "motel biggest-room-they-got". Huh?

Let you rest up for tomorrow.

No.

No?

What do you mean no?

I am turning myself in.

You are not going anywhere, asshole.

And you wanna know why?

Because I think you like it.

That's right, Lenny boy, I saw you up there.

You got a taste now.

It's in your system.

So let's drop this charade.

You couldn't walk away now even if you tried.

Hey! There he is.

I just got a call from monte's people.

They're sending someone down to take a look.

No more open-mic for you, Freeman.

Bumping you up to headliner.

You still wanna leave, Mr. headliner?

I didn't think so.

Let me give you a little piece of advice my father once gave me.

Son...

You need to go out and get laid or something.

Think about it.

I'll be back at the motel when you come to your senses.

You know, I've seen a man bend a spoon just by staring at it,

but never a meatloaf.

Oh, hey, you're the guy that took t-bird's place at the club.

News travels fast.

I thought you were heading to Vegas or something.

I was...

I can't go right now.

Doesn't surprise me.

Nobody ever leaves this place.

Are you done with this?

Yeah.

I was just gonna sit here a while. Do you mind?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, as you can see, we have quite a high demand for this table tonight.

Oh.

Here you go.

And don't worry about it.

It's on the house.

Thank you.

What happened to your arm?

Oh. Nothing.

You know, I must have like whacked it on the grill or something. It...

It gets pretty greasy back there.

I guess.

Or I'm just... I'm just plain clumsy.

That's what t-bird says.

When I was a kid, my dad used to tell everybody that I was clumsy too.

Except he would tell everybody that I got whacked by a door, not a grill.

Oh.

You know, it was funny because after he died,

I stopped being so clumsy all the time.

Bet that means you're pretty happy.

Not really. Uh...

I mean I was glad that I wasn't, you know, so "clumsy" anymore, but,

I miss my dad.

Um... you must think this is strange.

No.

It doesn't sound strange at all.

Hey, grail.

What the fuck? I've been waiting outside for ten minutes.

Let's go.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

It was really nice talking with you, um...

Lenny.

- Lenny. - Yeah.

- Grail. - Oh, that's so pretty.

Irish?

Typo.

Watch out for that grill.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Love must be deaf and dumb, as well as blind.

I guess.

Hey, are you gonna eat that?

Oh, all yours.

What is this stuff? I'm a strict vegetarian.

Meatloaf.

Oh, well, let's just eat around the bad parts.

Oh, by the way, my friends call me TQ.

Oh. Lenny. Hi.

Don't worry. She'll be all right.

Oh, no, I'm not looking at her.

Oh, please, honey,

you lit up like a plastic snowman when she was talking to you.

Before that, you were like some kind of walking poster child for despair.

I'm sorry. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Well, if there's something I learned about this nasty old world,

it's that you do best by ignoring everything the mind has to tell you,

and paying a little closer attention to the heart.

The heart knows what it wants.

Mmm. That man sure does have a gift for the obvious.

Maybe somebody should do something.

Maybe someone should.

I told you, we were just talking.

Just talking?

Yeah. About what?

About how your friend in there took my spot?

You're drunk.

Don't lie to me, grail.

Get your hands off me, please.

You heard her.

Get your hands off.

Well, if it isn't the king of comedy.

Look, I don't want any trouble, okay?

Just... just leave her alone.

This isn't any of your fucking business.

Maybe I'm making it my business.

Please, Lenny, go back inside.

Sorry. I can't do that.

Yeah. Why don't you enlighten us? Tell us what you were gonna do.

You really wanna know?

Yeah, gimme the gory details.

Okay, uh...

Now let's see. Um...

Why don't I, uh...

Why don't I start with the pressure from the ball of my foot

as I grind my shoe down in your Adam's apple?

Or the look in your eyes

as I slowly plunge my thumbs into your sockets?

Or maybe it'll be the snap, crackle, pop of your skull

as I crack it open like a cantaloupe

and I squeeze the life out of your temporal lobe,

inch by inch by inch.

You're fucking weird. You know that?

We'll talk about this later.

You know, you ought to seek some professional help, you know that?

Go ahead, son.

Go ahead with what?

With your confession.

Sorry, padre, I just came in here for some peace and quiet.

Besides, I got nothing to confess.

"Without confession, vengeance is mine to repay,"

says the lord.

The hell is that supposed to mean?

It means you're not gonna win here, asshole.

Well, I'd love to chew the fat with you, father, but I beg to differ.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

- Yes, yes, Charlie, that's nothing to sing about.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

A boy your age, with a jail record.

Just call me number 77682.

Let's hope this incident doesn't get into the newspapers.

I don't get it.

You said this guy is a ventriloquist?

Oh, oh, he was. He's dead now.

But don't you think that's a little weird?

I mean, a ventriloquist on the radio? You can't even tell if his lips are moving.

That's the beauty of it. It doesn't matter.

Now, that's when there was a real art to comedy.

I guess.

I wanna thank you for what you did back there, Lenny.

Oh, sure, no... It was no big deal.

You know, he wasn't always like that, you know.

Hmm.

You kind of remind me of him.

Yeah, he was gonna tear up the town and hit straight for the strip.

Now I think he's...

Just afraid to leave.

Yeah, well, I know that feeling.

You know we had gotten it all figured out.

He was gonna work at the clubs and I was gonna deal Blackjack.

Perfect little Vegas couple.

Now when I see those lights, it's...

It's like a cruel joke. It's like, just...

Keeping a dog's food out of reach of its chain.

You know how to deal Blackjack?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. No, I mean, it's just like waitressing. You just have to remember things.

You know, do you want fries with that, do you wanna split your eggs.

Mmm.

You wanna play a hand?

I don't have any cards.

That's okay. We can play with our hands.

All right. Hit me.

Wait, no, I have to deal first.

- Right. - Here come your cards.

It's a three and an eight.

Dealer shows a four with one down.

- Hit me. -No, not so fast, you gotta put your bet.

Dealer shows a four, odds are I'm gonna bust, you got an 11.

You should double down, odds are you'll draw a ten, and double your money.

Okay. I am doubling down in my head.

Here comes your card, and it's...

Ah, three of clubs.

But you said I was gonna draw a ten.

No, those are just the odds. You got a three.

- Oh, can I have another card? - No. You doubled down.

Well, why don't you switch it to a ten in your hands so that I win?

Do you wanna get me fired? There are cameras all over this place.

No. You're just gonna have to live with a three.

Okay. I guess.

My turn.

Dealer draws a four and a nine, 13.

- Dealer draws again. - What is it?

- A two. - Shoot, you win.

Oh wait, no, not so fast.

Dealer must draw on 16 and below.

House rules. Says so right on the table.

Didn't you read the table, Lenny?

Dealer draws...

An Ace, 16.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

Final draw, and it's a...

Six.

Twenty-two.

- Dealer busts. You win. - I won!

- You win! - Oh, my god.

I've never won anything.

Oh, wow!

You're funny, Lenny.

We should go. Right now.

But I thought you said you couldn't leave.

Forget what I said. We could go now, be in Vegas by morning.

You're teasing.

No, no, I'm not. I'm serious.

Let's do it. I mean, let's do it now or maybe it'll be like you said

and we'll never get out of here.

You know I have to think.

Don't think.

- Oh, no, we should stop. - Don't stop.

- I bet your car will never make it. - I'll make it.

- Is it a '52? - '53.

Nice.

What am I doing? I don't even know what I'm doing.

It's okay. Neither do I.

- Promise me, Lenny. - I promise.

- You won't just up and leave? - No. Never.

- Wait, wait, wait. - What?

I'm gonna turn the heat on. Your right hand is freezing.

Don't be silly.

What?

I have to leave!

Get out of my car!

Get out of my car! Get out of my car! Get out of my car!

You jerk face!

I thought you were a nice person.

I thought you were different.

But you're not! You're the opposite, in fact. You're un-nice.

That's what you are, Lenny.

You're an un-nice person.

And another thing, your car smells like a dead fish.

Stop the car!

Touch me, and you're a dead man.

How was she, Lenny?

My slaughter at the club wasn't enough, now you gotta take my girl too?

Maybe you wanna drop by my house later and take a crap on a picture of my mom?

- It's not what you think. - Mmm?

I mean, if what you're thinking is what I think that you're thinking,

it's not.

Were you too rough with her, Lenny?

She doesn't like the rough stuff, does she?

No, to be honest, nothing happened.

Come on.

You can tell me.

Give me, as they say, "all the gory details".

The touch of her hair as you ran your fingers through it,

the... taste of her skin as you worked your way down her neck,

maybe the sweet smell of victory

as you rolled those panties off those soft, milky thighs.

We were just talking, I swear.

Is that what you threw in the trunk?

I bet you got a whole panty-museum in there.

What?

Open the trunk.

Please, t-bird, you don't wanna...

Open the trunk!

Or I'll pull the 12-Gauge in that belly on you

faster than you can squeal like a pig.

See, you're gonna learn the hard way

nobody abuses my girl...

Except for me.

Boy in jail.

I said, your money or your life.

You're the funniest comedian in the world, George.

Going somewhere?

How did I get here?

We towed your drunk ass in.

Every cop in town is looking for you.

They are?

Why?

Maybe they want your autograph.

Oh...

Oh, mom.

I don't know whether you can hear me or not, but I am in big trouble.

It's kinda like the... Remember that Chaplin movie that we used to watch?

Remember where every time he got into trouble, everyone thought it was funnier?

Chaplin was a pervert.

What was that, mother?

Chaplin was a pervert.

He stupped every 14-year-old chippy in Hollywood.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was alone.

And he knocked up both of his wives who weren't even 16.

That's statutory, the last time I checked.

Not to mention, a crime against god.

I didn't know that.

Then read your damn Bible.

I'm talking about Chaplin.

Well, get your facts straight before you go off talking to people in heaven,

'cause people in heaven, they know everything,

specially Jesus.

And he was also known for having an incredibly large penis.

Jesus?

Chaplin, you idiot!

Are you a real priest?

I used to be, but the fundamentalists, they kicked me out.

They wanted me to work solo.

So now I take my mission on the road.

Churches, nightclubs, and some days, the holy land.

Jerusalem?

Vegas.

One of us gets out, we all get out. That's the way I see it.

Just like Easter Sunday.

Father, would you please hear my confession?

Sorry. Kitchen's closed.

Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Oh, great. Now you've gone and woke up Mr. Bleeding heart.

What seems to be troubling you?

- Uh... - Go ahead, Lenny.

I'm here to help.

Uh, well, uh...

You see, I do have this friend, and well, he's been doing some terrible things,

and part of him knows that he needs to stop, but then...

There's a part of him, well, that kinda just doesn't know anymore.

A wise man once said, "if your right eye causes you to sin,

pluck it out."

Do you understand what that means, Lenny?

I think so.

Good. Then go in peace.

And remember, the great one is always watching.

God?

Gleeson.

Mr. Freeman, they just told me you were in here.

Where are we going?

Interrogation room.

What's gonna happen to me, officer flick?

Depends on how it goes in there.

Good luck.

All right. What's happened?

Everything?

Yeah.

Everything.

You got two minutes.

Okay.

Here goes.

T all started when I got off the interstate

to get some gas on my way to Las Vegas.

How's it going in there?

What am I, a lip-reader?

And then the next thing I knew, there was blood everywhere, and...

And I... I even had to...

Scoop up a piece of his brain.

I mean, I think it was his brain.

To be honest, I was never very good in science.

Funny.

Funny stuff.

You're good, Freeman.

You're very good.

The part about the severed hand...

Look at me, I'm busting a gut.

All right. I'm gonna want to see your full act tonight.

Your best material.

No stops.

You stick the landing, we'll put you on live tomorrow.

Uh... sorry, I don't understand.

Comedy.

It's currency, Freeman.

Monte said if you were as good as the steward tells him,

for me to get your ass to Vegas, pronto.

So you're not going to arrest me?

Kid, stop, please, before I start hemorrhaging with laughter all right?

You look for me after your set tonight.

I'll have a limo waiting.

This is your chance, kid.

Don't blow it.

If you're looking for your car,

your manager picked it up.

My manager?

Be careful out there.

They hit a record high today.

So...

He's gold.

What did I tell you?

So we're square, right?

Oh, yeah, right.

All right, there you go.

It's all there.

It feels a little light.

- Yeah, just a little, but you know, as soon as I get... -we're done here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm gonna get the rest to you, all right? I promise.

Tonight.

You're gonna get the rest tonight.

This joker nails it...

Everything's forgiven.

But if not...

Hello, hitch.

Well, well, well, the prodigal son has returned.

Fucking AC's busted. Can you believe it?

Hotter than a fat lady's armpit in there.

You took my car.

Well, I didn't think you wanted all that beef cooking in the pd parking lot.

You see, that's what managers do. You know, we manage things.

Things like auditions for the Monte guy show.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, hitch. I know that I've been acting selfish, and...

Well, you've been right all along.

A little late for that.

No, from now, we're gonna do it your way. Everything. Whatever you need.

All right. Now I need about ten more mini-marts.

I got a better idea.

You? You got a better idea?

It's a good one. Easy money.

Oh, yeah? How easy?

How much further?

Almost there.

It better not be another one of them Hindu hamlets. We gotta start thinking bigger.

Can you not do that, please?

You know what, I read about this guy once,

stood outside one of them drive-through bank machines wearing a suit.

What kind of suit?

It doesn't matter. A suit-suit.

Said he worked for the bank,

and that the ATM was out of order and he was there to run people's cards for 'em.

So...

So these morons, they'd hand over their card and their password,

suit guy would take it inside, take out 500 big ones,

and come back with the, you know, measly 40 or 50 clams that they asked for.

Simple as that. No one gets hurt.

Smart.

Yeah, fucking right, smart.

Not to mention that unlike us,

he didn't have to have his pants taken in at the end of the day

'cause he literally sweated his ass off! I'm dying here, man!

Where the fuck are we?

We're here.

Here? Here, where?

There ain't nothing here, Lenny. Come on.

Our contract.

You're a dead man, Lenny!

Come back here so I can fucking kill you!

Fuck!

"Dear grail, I'm sorry about last night.

I haven't been myself lately.

But today, all that changed.

Today, I have been given another chance,

and I know exactly what I have to do.

It's like TQ says,

'the heart knows what it wants.'

and right now, my heart's telling me

that it is not as important for me to be famous

as it is for you to give me a second chance...

Because tonight, I'm going back to being the old me.

Please forgive me, and meet me at the motel after the show.

I'll be waiting with a big surprise.

Lenny.

P.S. You were right.

I don't think my car's gonna make it."

Funny.

Two minutes go by, I'm still in the parking lot, high.

I still can't move.

Oh, there he is.

Hey, listen, t-bird didn't show up. You're gonna have to go up early.

You need some time to, uh,

mess yourself up, throw some blood in your shirt or something?

No, I'm gonna try some new material tonight.

What, are you nuts?

Monte's right-hand man is out there.

I know a thing or two about right hands.

Look, this is no time to screw with the formula.

Nobody wants to see the Jerry who runs around talking to crippled kids.

They all want to see the Jerry who runs around going "buddy!"

You take my word for it.

You're up.

You remember what I'm telling you.

"Buddy!"

You think about it.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, he's back tonight for one last appearance.

Please welcome back to the stage, the king of carnage himself,

Lenny Freeman!

This is your chance, kid.

Now you've finally got a little inspiration, man.

I have dreamed about this my whole life.

You famous?

If your right eye causes you to sin...

It's in that trunk any time you need it.

Pluck it out.

I was just starting to like your friend.

One of us gets out, we all get out.

Back to being the old me.

This is your chance, kid.

Or ten, partner.

Don't blow it.

Thank you thank you very much.

Wow. Wow, let me take a look at this crowd.

Holy cow, look at these faces.

Well, I haven't seen happier faces at Easter island.

Uh, hey, how about lamb bone, huh?

What a great place. You know, it's the kind of place

you really feel like you could settle down.

You know, my father, when he did did settle,

he paid off his bar tab.

Uh...

The, um...

There's a lot of people that will tell you that marriage...

Marriage is the highway to heaven.

Well, I guess I am on the detour.

Uh...

I'll be right back.

Lenny!

Hey!

What do you want me to do with this?

What's that, doll?

It's that joker's personal shit he'd forgotten.

Oh. Just leave it on my desk.

You are my hero.

Hitch?

Hitch?

Hello, Lenny.

We've been waiting for you.

How did you get back so quick?

Mmm. You forget, Lenny.

Always another way.

I had to do a bit of walking in the heat

before a sweet young thing agreed to pick me up,

ain't that right, darling?

Unfortunately, she came down with a terrible case of whiplash.

I can explain.

Let's explain, Lenny.

You left me for dead in a 150-degree heat

with no water, bend us away.

Very sporting of you.

I just wanted to go back to the way it was.

Well, too fucking late.

You can't go back. You can never go back.

We have a contract.

Yeah.

Well, I'm breaking that contract, okay?

You hear me? I just...

I don't wanna be famous anymore.

Is that so?

Then why'd you go peeking in the trunk?

What?

Why'd you stick your fat nose in the trunk?

You just wanted to make sure everyone was comfortable?

Or were you looking for a little...

Inspiration?

No.

No, I... you...

Just stop it. You're trying to confuse me.

Oh, that's it.

That's it, hitch. If you want me to stop, you're gonna have to kill me,

because I just don't care anymore.

Okay, okay, okay, you know what, Lenny? You win.

Guess I know when I've been beat.

But, before you go...

There's a little something I wanna show you.

Came by earlier, looking for you.

I told her, make herself comfortable.

Now I suggest that you do the same.

No, no, no.

No, no. This has nothing to do with her.

Oh, but you're wrong, Lenny.

This has everything to do with her.

Sit.

Ever hear of a guy named fatty arbuckle?

No?

I thought you was a comedy expert.

Well, fatty was a big time joker much like yourself,

except he worked in the silent pictures,

had a big studio deal in the early 1900s.

Women loved him, kids loved him.

He had everything fame had to offer.

Until one day,

during a three-day moonshine free-for-all at a day city hotel up in San Francisco,

he takes this pretty young flapping thing behind closed doors and, how do you say...

Does her with a champagne bottle.

At least that's what the coroner report said it was.

Of course, no one knows for sure 'cause the poor girl bled to death

and everyone else was too drunk to see straight, let alone hear the screaming...

Over and over.

Screaming for help.

So what happens, you ask?

Well, the courts, in their infinite wisdom,

chose to clear fatty of all charges.

Sent him home, an innocent man.

But the people...

Well, the people knew.

They all knew.

And as much as fatty tried to get back into their good graces,

there just was no going back.

His career was dead,

his life, essentially over.

All because of one teensy-weensy fatal little decision.

So you see, Lenny...

We can regret our choices all we want,

but someone's still gotta pay the consequences.

Champagne, anyone?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

Riding cowboy, right, Lenny?

Please. Please. I'll do whatever you say.

Oh, you're gonna do whatever I say, 'cause from now on,

you'll understand exactly what I mean by consequences.

- Hitch. -Nothing personal, cream cheese.

- Please. - Here's to commitment.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

Oh, god.

Help!

Shh. No, no, no.

Please, help!

- Let me explain. - Help!

- Help! - I could explain. No, no, no.

I can... ow! No, no, no.

Help! Help!

- Grail, don't. - Someone!

- Help! - No, no.

Help!

No, grail, no, no, no.

- I don't think you're listening.

We could be together now, okay?

Listen to me. No, listen.

Listen, we could go away like we talked about, okay?

And... and you could deal Blackjack, and um, well, I could be in Monte guy.

We're gonna be so happy, grail, because...

Because I love you so much.

You're supposed to love me too.

I do love you, Lenny.

You do?

I brought someone to see you, Lenny.

Funny stuff, kid.

You're gonna wanna stick with the sick stuff for Monte though,

'cause that performance art shit goes right over his head.

So I'm still going to Vegas?

As soon as you get your ass in the car.

And now, please give a warm Las Vegas welcome

to Mr. Lenny Freeman.

Oh, thank you.

We serve that with a heart attack.

Would you like it for here, or to go?

Lenny Freeman, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, what's this I hear, that you just got married today?

Yes, I did.

Let's bring her out.

Oh!

My father's idea of settling

was paying off his bar tab.

Before we go, I have another surprise for you.

All the way from lamb bone,

let's hear it for officer ray flick.

You gotta admit,

that's funny.

Welcome home, partner.