Original subtitles

- Oh, boy, these boxes... - Hey, mom and dad...

Abby. Henry, you want to give me a hand now?

- Okay, daddy. - Your room is huge.

Abby, come on, choose your space.

We can play football. Choose your times, come on.

- I want to go swimming. - Hey, Abby.

Abby, grab your uniform, honey. Don't leave it outside.

When can we play with this?

- Henry! Abby! - Dinner time, guys.

- Henry! Abby! - Dinner time, guys.

- Come on. - Guys, don't fight now.

Hurry, hurry. Come on down. Let's go.

Aldon, you forgot to close the gate to the pool again.

Hey, let's have a catch.

Daddy, can I go swimming?

- No, no, no. No, no! - No!

No!

This is it, huh? A new house.

It's a freakin' mansion.

Maybe there's, like, a grotto in the backyard

or something, huh?

Oh.

My family is ridiculous.

I know.

I know.

Should I leave my window open for you tonight?

You know, I was actually gonna head back to campus tonight,

hang with the brothers.

I'll sleep naked. See you at midnight?

Mom?

Hello?

Mom?

Aah!

Oh, welcome home. Oh my goodness, let me see you.

Wait, what happened to the freshman 15? That's one of the joys of college life.

Oh, too much studying, not enough eating.

Oh, well, we will try to put some pounds on you while you're here.

Oh, well, we will try to put some pounds on you while you're here.

Ham and cheese, tomato, and it's grilled.

Mom, since when do you cook? Since we got a real kitchen.

Is that real cheese? Fermented bean curd.

We had to make a few changes around here

on account of your father's heart.

I am so happy to see you. Oh, you look beautiful.

So technically this is the new office.

Where's my bed?

Uh, it went to a very good cause.

Me sleeping on it wasn't a good enough cause?

Me sleeping on it wasn't a good enough cause?

Well, we donated it to goodwill.

Oh, you gave my stuff to goodwill so you wouldn't have to move it.

Okay, you take Shane's bed and we'll give him the blow-up.

I know what goes on in Shane's bed. I'll take the blow-up.

Where is everybody?

Well, Shane's out skateboarding. Taylor is taking a nap.

And with the housing market, well, the way it's been,

you obviously know where your dad is.

If dad isn't here, who opened the garage?

When I came in, someone opened it. You didn't do it?

- Mom, mom, I'm up. - Mommy!

He's awake.

He's awake.

Kayla!

- Hey, buddy. - It's so good to see you.

Kayla, I can't believe you're home.

Here, help me blow up the bed.

Okay, there we go. Pass me a pillow.

Where's Taylor? I can't find tay--

There he is.

I missed you.

Ready?

Watch your head.

Hop on in. Put your seatbelt on.

Here you go.

See you soon, Taylor.

Hey, Kayla. Shane, get out! Mom!

Would you please calm down?

I'm trying to take a dump here.

What are you doing in here? You have your own bathroom.

Why would I want to stink up my own bathroom, Kayla?

Jerk.

Mom!

Eww! Get out!

Oh, I'm dumping. Eww! Mom!

Oh, I'm dumping. Eww! Mom!

Mm, no.

Are there gonna be any American vegetables served tonight?

It's okra. And it's good for you.

How it tastes, it better be.

I'm glad finals went well, sweetheart.

Stick with it if you want to keep that scholarship, okay?

What? Her tuition is more than our new mortgage.

It's not gonna be a lot of fun to lose the house

it's not gonna be a lot of fun to lose the house

to the same bank I clock in at every day.

I'm working hard, dad. Good girl.

You know, I actually think okra's taste

is a defense mechanism so that people don't eat it.

Burn!

Blow it up.

Do you know where they grow okra?

No. Okrahoma.

That's another one of your fabulous jokes, dad.

Are you-are you liking your okra?

Are you-are you liking your okra?

Why are you hitting yourself, huh? Why are you hitting yourself?

Why are you hitting yourself? That only works when I'm hitting myself, dumb-ass.

Kids, we need to talk.

Oh, god, grandpa died, didn't he?

Shane. So listen up.

Shane. So listen up.

The good news is we got to move into our dream home.

The bad news is,

with that move comes sacrifice

by all of us, right? Mm-hmm.

So, Kayla, they are hiring at chicken town.

Really?

Shane gets to hang out, and I have to catch grease burns?

He won't be hanging out. He's got chores to do.

He's got to mow the lawn. He's got to take the garbage out.

Yes. But remember, I already crossed those off my list.

You can't cross them off the list if you haven't actually done them.

You can't cross them off the list if you haven't actually done them.

I really like how you guys

move into our dream home right after I move out.

Oh, ain't that the beauty of it?

Ow!

It would be so nice

if the two of you took cookies over to the neighbor

just to get some good energy out in the neighborhood.

Mrs. milz is creepy.

I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman.

And besides, she doesn't have any family.

Well, that's because she killed them all

and buried them in her basement.

I'll do it, show you who has the balls in the family.

I'll do it, show you who has the balls in the family.

Thank you, Kayla.

She's a creep.

Mrs. milz?

I hope you like oatmeal in cookie form.

Just trying to be neighborly.

Whatever.

Just don't ask me to water your plants while you're gone.

Milz wants you!

Nice balls, Kayla.

Where did you get that? Oh.

Um, ebay. This thing's like an assault rifle.

You can practically go in and take over Libya with this thing.

No guns-house rules. You know that.

It's not even loaded. Really? Well, then you won't mind

it's not even loaded. Really? Well, then you won't mind

pointing it at your foot and pulling the trigger.

Hand it over. Mom, what are you even gonna do with it?

Well, I've heard that you can sell these things on ebay.

You know what? Tomorrow why don't you

try to go out and make some new friends?

Hey, kiddo, I thought I told you to take out the garbage.

It's 11:30.

You are so lucky that Kayla's home.

What other sister would take out the garbage for you?

Who finished the chamomile?

Who finished the chamomile?

Who the fuck was that?

Who did that?

So, whatever, I don't want to just--

Garage sale pile.

All right.

All right.

Hmm.

You know,

there's something your mom and I

haven't told you yet about this house.

Two little kids drowned in the pool.

There's-there's no way to ease into that sentence. I'm sorry.

That's why the pool's drained? Two kids died in there?

Yeah.

Why would you tell me that?

You were gonna find out about it

you were gonna find out about it

and I wanted you to hear it from me.

Believe it or not, this--

This is the kind of house I have dreamed about living in

since you were born.

It's gonna be great for this family, you'll see.

Yeah, and moving into a haunted house is supposed to help us how?

Have you seen the yard? It's gonna be nice to play wiffle ball in a yard.

On what's basically an Indian burial ground.

Great. Ok.

Hey, did you bring the trash can in?

Yes.

Yes.

Let's go, dufus.

You'd better not be making hand babies in there.

Just a minute.

Kylie, hi. It's so nice to meet you.

Kayla. Kayla, right.

Sorry, wet.

Sorry, wet.

I'm Mae.

Babysitter? Nanny.

I look after your little brother.

I could just eat him up, he's so cute.

So was anybody gonna tell me about the random chick upstairs?

Roll with the punches, Kayla. She's awesome with Taylor.

So am I.

Right, I'll just pick up shifts at chicken town

right, I'll just pick up shifts at chicken town

while you pay some stripper to watch my brother.

Hey, she's not a stripper.

And you, young lady, need to keep adding

to your work resume. It builds character.

Which is something she is in desperate need of.

Did you guys see that? Deserved.

Mae is a really big help around here.

I really don't mind having her around either.

I am this close to tapping that ass.

Seriously? Okay, maybe not this close,

but it's gonna happen, I'm telling you.

Get your chores done. I'll see you tonight.

Get your chores done. I'll see you tonight.

So I was thinking of having Derek over

to help me with the garage

and maybe stay over?

Well, you know I don't care.

Is dad really gonna make a big deal out of this? I'm nearly 20.

Well, your dad can't make a big deal

over something he doesn't know about.

And with your father's snoring,

I've taken a shine to earplugs.

Somebody should be getting some action around here.

Oh...

It's time to say goodbye to you.

Oh my-- Look at this.

Oh, you have to wear this for me.

Huh?

You're not throwing this away.

Hey, um, are these the kids that died?

I don't know.

Creepy, though.

Whoa.

Did that just go off by itself? Yeah, again.

Maybe it's a short.

Oh, don't pretend

oh, don't pretend

like you'd know how to fix it.

Hey, I'm good with my hands.

I know. Why do you think I'm dating you?

Oh, really?

What the--?

Okay, what is going on?

Okay, what is going on?

I don't know.

Something about this house gives me the creeps.

Hey. Hey, did you hear that?

Shh. I just got Taylor to sleep.

Okay, well, we do have two other kids in the house and an alarm, so...

Yeah, which neither one of us knows how to use.

Did you leave the light on?

Let's check on the kids. You need to breathe.

Have I ever permanently stopped breathing since you've known me?

Has there ever been a time when, if you didn't remind me to breathe,

I would have stopped breathing and suffocated?

So don't breathe.

Okay.

Kayla's room.

Okay, all right, okay.

The easiest way to do this-- Kayla is seeing Derek again.

Okay, all right, it's out there.

He's here right now in my-- And nobody told me?

I honestly don't know. Kayla and I have kind of

a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on this.

No, Tim, you can't just go barging in there.

So there's no one in your room?

Unfortunately, there are three people in here.

Unfortunately, there are three people in here.

Go back to sleep, honey.

Come on.

It didn't sound like the noise was coming from downstairs.

All right, I'll go check anyway, just to be safe.

Ha!

That was close. Where were we?

Oh my gosh.

Where is the remote?

Oh, come on.

Taylor, honey, did you touch the remote?

This is unbelievable.

Ugh, I cannot believe--

Ugh, I cannot believe--

Are you kidding me? Where is the remote? I can't find the remote.

What happened? I don't know, the TV turned on by itself.

You probably just sat on it.

I did not sit on the remote. I would have felt that.

All right, kids, nothing to see here.

Just go to sleep.

Will you turn the cartoons back on?

Oh, no, no. No cartoons, honey. It's late.

We're gonna-- we're gonna go back to sleep.

Come here, up here. Oh, you're getting so big.

Okay, lie down.

Okay, lie down.

Are you kidding me?

Seriously?

Who put the finished milk back in the fridge?

And while we're at it, which one of you jokers

stole the remote control last night?

Good morning to you too, honey. Sleep well?

Good morning to you too, honey. Sleep well?

Are these all from the guy who lived here before us?

Yeah, there's no change of address yet.

Hey, dad, this one's from your bank.

Tim.

Okay, one of the reasons we could afford this house was

the previous owners were foreclosed on.

Dad, you kicked some family out of their home?

We didn't kick anyone out of their home.

We didn't kick anyone out of their home.

They stopped paying their bills.

They would've been evicted anyway.

Look, sometimes life isn't fair.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Mr. and Mrs. Webber

learned that lesson when their kids drowned.

Did your bank take that into consideration?

I'm not having this conversation.

Kayla, I work my ass off

to pay for your school and take care of this family,

and what do I ask for in return?

I don't want a Ferrari or a country club membership.

I don't want a Ferrari or a country club membership.

I just want a decent house

and maybe a little respect.

And you can clean up that trash out back,

or you will be sleeping outside tonight.

Hello?

Who is it?

We know you're back there.

Mrs. milz, what are you doing?

Those are mine.

They belong to me.

Get out of my house.

I have to find my work shirt.

You should be calling the cops.

You should be calling the cops.

Oh, yeah. Let me do that.

Hi, 911?

Yeah, a 109-year-old woman just stole some pruning shears.

Seriously.

No, actually we want them back so we can throw them out.

I'm going to be late. Come on, did you take my shirt?

Yes, Kayla. I really want a pink chicken town shirt.

I'm out.

Kayla! Buddy, hi.

Kayla! Buddy, hi.

Hey, your dad's running late. Mind if I leave Taylor with you?

Sure. Hey, Mae, why don't you stay for dinner?

Uh, no, thanks.

Or I can walk you to your car.

I'm okay, really.

Okay, babe.

Bye.

Did you see that?

She was practically all over me.

It was almost embarrassing.

She was. My ass.

She was. My ass.

"Ass" is a bad word.

Remember to alternate hands.

You don't want it curving off to the side.

Don't worry, I'll be alternating hands

when I'm slapping that ass.

"Ass" is a bad word.

So mom says the gazebo's all cleaned out, huh? Mm-hmm.

Although if you still want to make Shane sleep out there,

you'll get no argument from me. Really?

Can I sleep outside? Sure, finish your peas and you can.

I guess I can never sleep outside.

I guess I can never sleep outside.

What about the rusty tools?

They're gone, thanks to that haggedy old Mrs. milz.

Yeah, maybe if we make some more cookies for her, she'll paint our fence.

She was in our yard?

Yeah. About that-- if she's gonna be out back stealing tools,

I don't think she should have a key to the house. I mean, I don't even have one yet.

Who gave that woman a key?

You did, honey, when we moved in,

in case we locked ourselves out.

Really?

Kids, I've got one more chore for you. No.

What's the big deal? She's creepy, dad.

What's the big deal? She's creepy, dad.

Just knock on the door, ask for the key back.

Oh, yeah, you knock on the door. It's not that simple.

I'm with the jehovah's witnesses.

Fine. It's Kayla from next door.

You're trespassing, young lady.

I just-- You're trespassing.

I just-- You're trespassing.

Actually it's legal to knock on someone's door

in an open and peaceful manner.

Davis versus the United States.

What do you want, miss gates?

The key to our house. My dad said he gave it to you.

So I was wondering if I could have it back.

I've lost it.

You can say that again.

Miss gates,

miss gates,

I'd bolt my doors if I were you.

Glad dad got you to finally start wearing your brain damage helmet.

It's for paintball.

Oh, I thought mom confiscated your gat.

And?

Your point is?

I'm going skeet-shooting.

Loser.

Nicely done. Well played.

Nicely done. Well played.

Dad, we need to change the locks in the house. Someone's been inside.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw someone too.

About 5'10", 22 years old, African-American,

looked not unlike Derek, come to think of it. Dad, I'm serious.

So am I.

If you want to have your boyfriend over,

you don't have to sneak him in.

Just-just clear it with me first, okay?

This house is a fresh start for all of us,

but it's not gonna get any better

if we're not honest with each other.

So if you two are...

Sexually active... Okay.

...i just want him to use protection, okay? No, dad, stop.

Stop. No, I got you. Thank you.

Um, can we just change the locks, please?

Uh, those were some crazy noises you were making.

Uh, those were some crazy noises you were making.

You gotta come over to the house if you're that loud.

I want everyone to hear it.

Well, I...

I thought you said we had to be quiet.

I'm almost 20.

I can have some alone time with my boyfriend if I want.

Your parents aren't even here, are they?

No.

Nice try, though.

You okay? You seem a little out of it.

It feels weird being home,

but I feel bad not being here for Taylor and--

Listen, I hear you, okay?

I got you.

And what's more, I love-- No, no, no, don't say it.

What? I love-- No, seriously,

don't say it. We're not there yet.

I love unicycles.

I just love 'em. They're great.

God, did you think I was talking about something else? Get out of my room.

God, did you think I was talking about something else? Get out of my room.

Geez, I'm definitely not there yet. Just get out of my room.

Okay. Out. Out.

All right, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

I'll see you later.

Mom! Dad! Shane!

It's okay. It's all right.

I noticed half of you escaped without me.

Just a reminder, I sleep in the office.

Oh, hello?

Our systems show your alarm has been activated.

Can you turn it off? Yes, ma'am.

We just need you to verify your password.

Password? I have no idea.

Uh, we didn't even know we had a password.

Uh, we didn't even know we had a password.

I'm required to send the police.

You can reset the password after they allow that.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

How about we just unplug the thing altogether?

Gosh, it's cold out here. I know, honey, I know.

I saw someone in your house

when you were gone.

He's come back.

Who?

You need to leave.

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness. All right, buddy, get inside.

Come on, kids.

Come on, kids.

That woman is jacked up from the neck up, I'm telling you right now.

Huh?

I know I put that away.

I know I put that away.

Huh.

Hello?

Who's there?

What are you doing?

Isn't it at all weird to you

that the only thing that separates us from the crazies

is two screws and a pane of glass?

Yeah, well, it's really just a deterrent.

Can you pass me the screwdriver?

Even just putting a sticker on the window

even just putting a sticker on the window

might make the crazies

go try and rob another house.

So life is just a big game of screw-your-neighbor?

Don't get us, get them?

Yeah. How about that screwdriver?

You're letting out all the air conditioning.

It's not like the a.C. Works anyway. You gotta get that fixed too.

Yeah, let's fix the air conditioning.

Just add it to the list:

Porch light, sprinkler system,

garbage disposal. Aha.

There you go.

Bye, crazies.

Thanks, dad. Thank you.

I need a new kneecap though.

I gotta add that to the list.

How long do I have to be here?

One hour.

Flink.

Flink. Flink?

Flink. Flink?

Flink? That is not a word.

Would you like to challenge me?

You're going with flink? What-what-what is a flink?

Flink is 12 or more cows.

Come on. You're making that up.

Go ahead, challenge me. I'm gonna Google "flink."

Please do, but that's a challenge.

I'm out of here.

Hey, who took my cell phone off the charger?

Shane, it's game night.

Shane, it's game night.

Yeah, I'm playing a videogame on my phone.

You're playing a videogame on my phone.

Well, I can't find mine.

All right, mom,

we are allowing your fake word.

My turn.

Are you waiting for us to die?

I'm looking. I have too many vowels. Hold on.

Are you waiting for us to get killed by a flink of cows?

Are you waiting for us to get killed by a flink of cows?

Dad, hold on. I can't concentrate when you're talking.

Is that your strategy so you'll be the only person living?

"Adieu,"

for the win.

Thanks for joining us, Shane.

You send them to college, look what happens. They cheat.

Seriously? The smoke alarm? Dad.

The smoke detector is out.

Great.

Come on, beep.

Gotcha.

Oh my god.

What happened?

Someone was looking at me through the grate. I saw an eye.

Someone was looking at me through the grate. I saw an eye.

I swear. I swear something was up there.

Do you see anybody? No.

It's a grate.

Nobody can fit their head in that thing.

Take a look for yourself.

Good night.

You're welcome.

Come on, the movie starts in 10 minutes.

What are you doing? Going blind again?

You know, if you don't leave that thing alone it's gonna--

Did you just puke? I think I got sick from some starburst or something.

You don't get food poisoning from starburst,

dick-breath. I'm coming in.

No, don't come in!

What the hell?

Mae's coming to babysit Taylor, right?

I'm this close to scoring with her.

Shane.

Hey, in the car now. Your father will wait for Mae.

Just go on without me.

Just go on without me.

You're faking. Is this because the movie has subtitles?

Okay, uh,

I'll tell Mae not to bother you when she gets here.

Tell my story when I'm gone.

You deserve to bang the babysitter.

You've really committed to this.

What's up?

Hey.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Where's Taylor?

I don't know. Um, wait

just a second.

Um, I wanted to pay you in advance.

Your folks pay me at the end of the week, so...

I know. I-i made a lot of money this week

from playing my gigs,

so I just want to, you know, pitch in, do my part.

You stole it from your parents?

It really doesn't matter where-where I got it, right?

It really doesn't matter where-where I got it, right?

So I'm just...

What is this about?

You can just tell me when to stop. I mean...

What's going on right now?

I know, you wouldn't guess it,

but I'm a virgin.

So I would love to...

Do it with you right now, so...

Do it with you right now, so...

This is my last 100. Um...

I got 20s, so...

Tell me when to stop.

No one can ever know about this.

Our secret.

All right, let's go.

Oh, fuck! Oh, yeah.

Yes, yes.

I know you want to come, yeah.

I know you want to come, yeah.

Faster.

Yes!

Oh, no, put the gun down.

Put it down.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, Shane. That's it, come on.

That was amazing. Was it good for you?

Yeah, you totally blew my mind.

Can we do it again?

Think you can get another 600 bucks from your mom?

Taylor! Bad boy.

Buddy, buddy, buddy. Dude, are you okay?

What the hell is wrong with you, leaving that thing where he can find it?

Me? Get out of here.

Mae. Get out of here.

Go, get out of the house. Okay.

Come on. To bed, move it.

Will you read a story? No, there's no story for you tonight.

Why are you in your underwear?

Now when your mom asks if we read a story, what do you say?

Yeah.

Do you think that was my brother?

No. He's gone.

No. He's gone.

Stay here.

There's a monster under my bed.

There's a monster under my bed.

There's no monster under your bed.

Come see, then straight to sleep.

Nuh-uh.

Did you kill it? Dude, sleep.

All right, Mae. Thank you so much.

There you go. We'll see you next week. Thanks, okay.

Oh, tell Shane that I hope he feels better.

I will. Have a good night.

Hmm.

Ma'am, good evening. I think you dropped this.

Oh my gosh, that was so stupid of me.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Here we go. - Here we go.

All right, let's see what you got. All right, ready?

Ready for my wiffle ball talent?

It's a beautiful day at gates field. I'm gonna catch it this time.

Come on, bat up. All right. And...

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, just a little high.

All right, Shane, I'm gonna rope this one right into your head.

You'd better watch out. Hey, I wasn't even ready yet. Oh, that was a strike!

The batter box-you were in the batter box.

There is no batter's box. It's a frisbee.

There is no batter's box. It's a frisbee.

All right, all right. You were in the batter box.

Hey, hey, Taylor, this one's coming at you, son. Get ready.

Hey, Taylor, does that flower taste pretty good, buddy?

Yeah?

Okay.

What is this? What is this? A knuckle ball?

It's my brush back. Brush back?

Oh!

I did not mean to do that. Come on, kids.

Taylor, help me, help me, help me!

- You guys are retarded. - You know that, right?

- You guys are retarded. - You know that, right?

I'm getting in on this.

♪ All of the seasons ♪

♪ all the things you said ♪

♪ they come and go ♪

♪ when the morning comes, we will... ♪

So you think that was really worth it?

So you think that was really worth it?

What did we make? Like, 32 bucks?

I don't know. Did I mention I got laid last night?

Only about 32 times.

Can I help you?

Hello. Excuse me.

Can I help you?

No.

No one can.

Okay, buddy,

okay, buddy,

the garage sale is over, so you need to go home, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Where would-- Where would that be?

Maybe across the street to my neighbor's house. He's a cop.

No, he's not.

Listen, I don't care--

Ow! You punk, I'll kill you.

Please just--

Please go.

Please go.

Just go.

Just go.

Who does that?

Ow.

Aldon.

Aldon.

Hey, Patty.

You're not well.

Jesus.

You didn't mention all the new furniture on the phone.

Oh, well,

I fixed everything up.

You were foreclosed on.

How did you get the house back from the bank?

That Tim gates grow a heart?

Aldon, if you're gonna call me back to our old house,

you'd better have something to say. I'm sorry.

Please come back to me.

Please come back to me.

I'll make it just the way it was.

I promise.

Oh, aldon, get it together.

Especially not here.

I don't even know how you can sleep in this house...

After what happened to Abby

and Henry.

Is the air conditioning not working in here?

You drained it.

I've got to go.

Aldon, you can't erase what happened.

You can drain the pool, but you can't change what happened in there.

Take your meds. Go back to work.

Get rid of this place. Leave it behind.

Okay?

Aren't you gonna get that? Leave.

Please, Patty, leave.

God damn it.

Hello, you've reached the gates family.

Please leave a message at the tone.

Aldon, gates?

As in Tim gates?

Whose house is this now?

You should have left.

You should have left.

Put the wrench down.

Aldon, put down the wrench.

Please promise me that you'll take your medications.

Okay, I promise.

Okay, I promise.

I promise.

I promise that you and I

are gonna be together again.

You and me?

And Abby.

And Henry.

Okay. I look forward to that.

Right now I'm just gonna go, okay?

Oh, I see.

Do you want to borrow one of those knives?

Do you want to borrow one of those knives?

Do you? Well, go ahead.

Go ahead. Take one.

Get off of me.

I love you.

Honey, thanks for fixing the garbage disposal.

All right. Thank you for buying

all these amazing-looking hamburgers and hot dogs.

Is this even real meat?

Soy protein, dad-- Your heart.

My heart? My heart is fine. It's my stomach.

Hey, Shane, go find some real burgers.

No. I'm not doing anything. I'm wounded.

What happened to the bad man who hit you?

Don't worry, bud. The police are going to catch him.

Don't worry, bud. The police are going to catch him.

Hey, honey,

all the ketchup and all the mustard in the world

is not gonna make these soy things taste any better.

Why are we eating outside?

Because that's what families do, honey.

It's actually because something inside smells like dad's balls.

Hey. Lord, Shane.

I called the exterminator. He said there might be

a rat decomposing in a trap up there.

Oh, no, don't pay for an exterminator. I can do that.

Oh, sweetie, I really think we should let a professional do it.

I mean, there's barely any floor up there. Taylor, pass the ball.

We could just get the rat to clean dad's ball sack.

We could just get the rat to clean dad's ball sack.

Hey, again. Oh, has anyone seen my camera?

That is a great photo op. Well, except for your black eye.

You're worried about my black eye... Nice.

When some stranger, homeless guy decks me in the face?

Easy, Shane. Don't scare your brother. Good shot.

I just bought plastic wrap.

- Who finished it again? - I don't know.

Now that the kids are gone,

now that the kids are gone,

we have the house to ourselves.

We can do whatever we want.

Relax. It's probably Shane taking a piss.

A little jumpy, aren't we?

Hey, look, I wanted to watch "the incredibles," okay?

Aren't you going to go investigate that noise?

Um, have you been watching the movie?

I am black. The black guy always dies investigating weird noises.

Not true. Yes.

Ice cube in "anaconda." Pfft.

Busta rhymes Resurrection."

L.L. Cool j. In "deep blue sea."

L.L. Cool j. In "deep blue sea."

Okay, okay, okay, okay, fine.

The black guy always dies unless he can rap.

Well, you're screwed then,

because I've heard you sing to the radio.

Hey, listen, rapping and singing are completely different.

God.

I feel like I'm dating a girl.

Relax, will you? I told you my dad knows you're here.

I know, I know, I know. It's just--

You know, I gotta go, all right? I gotta go.

What?

I'm just waiting. Come on, what?

"I love unicycles"?

"I love unicef"? What?

"I love unicef"? What?

You are not a very trusting person.

Were you not hugged enough as a child, huh?

Huh?

Hey, see you tomorrow?

Bye.

Who are you?

Are you Santa claus?

Santa claus has a big beard.

I want a fire truck.

Not a red one, a yellow one. I've seen them.

I can get you one of those.

But we gotta be friends, okay?

Hello?

I'm going to the bathroom.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Touch my beard.

Hmm? Scratchy?

Good night, kiddo.

Dad? Dad, do you mind telling me

why the hell you're going through my underwear?

Do you mind telling me why there's $600 missing from your mom's purse?

Well, don't come to me. I'm the one with a job.

God, go to bed.

Jesus.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I got nothing still.

What about now?

What about now?

Yeah, I still don't have anything.

Oh, wait. Oh, here it is.

Huh. Hey, babe, you know, this-this webcam

reminds of a video I once saw.

It starred Paris Hilton...

Slow your roll, dude. The only person getting screwed on this video

is my old-ass neighbor for stealing from my mom.

Even if I ask nicely?

Can you see me? My face?

Uh, you know, with that tight t-shirt,

it is not your face that I am focused on.

Press "record."

Give me something worth recording.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Look, it's just me. No one else can--

Oh, god. Okay, I'm sorry. Can you just do that one more time?

You missed it.

Please, just one more time. Come on, don't be selfish.

Mm-mm.

Dude.

Whoa, come on, man. These are new nikes.

Aren't those a little out of your price range?

I'm 15. Everything's out of my price range.

You're stealing from mom, jerk-off.

Dad thinks it was me.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I can't reach her.

Sorry, an adult has to be here to sign,

especially with what I'm packing.

Especially with what I'm packing.

You're kidding. I'm almost 20.

My mom's out shopping.

If you want to pony up some I.D. With a date of birth on it, I'll allow it.

Otherwise, I'm not taking any chances.

You look 16 in this picture.

I was 16 in that picture.

Full name.

All right. You might want to clear out.

This stuff could kill an ox.

This stuff could kill an ox.

All right.

Where are you?

Huh?

Come out, come out.

Come out, come out.

Whoa.

Watch your step, folks.

Don't worry, plenty for everybody.

Hello?

Okay.

What the--? Who put the ladder up?

Come on.

Hey, somebody's working up here!

God.

I hate this job.

Rats.

What is that?

What the hell?

Darn it. Aah!

Jee.

Aah! Aah!

Wait. Wait.

Wait.

Please.

Hello? Hey, mom. Bug guy gone?

All clear. Hey, will you bring me back a chai latte?

Okay. Be home soon.

Bye. Love you, baby.

A patrol car on Brandt saw your guy fleeing the scene

after you called it in, but they lost him in the park.

So it's over, right?

So it's over, right?

Well, definitely keep your doors locked tonight.

Take extra precautions.

A local identified the guy as aldon Webber.

Wait, that's the guy who used to live here.

What did you get us into?

He's going to come back again.

Don't worry, we'll have extra units sweep the neighborhood tonight.

We'll make sure Mr. Webber doesn't come near the house again.

Thank you, officers.

Okay, run inside.

Um...

I-I did something

that I probably shouldn't have.

I'm the one who foreclosed on the guy.

I'm the one who foreclosed on the guy.

I'd been watching this house for months.

There were 30 ways

I could have helped aldon Webber get back on his feet

and I chose to do nothing.

I wanted this house for us.

I wanted to give us a good life.

We had a good life.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Mom, what happened to the no-guns-in-the-house rule?

Do as I say, not as I do.

I didn't know you were such a badass, mom. I did.

My grandfather was from Texas.

I learned how to shoot before I learned how to walk.

Shane, your paintball gun--

Shane, your paintball gun--

Make sure it's loaded. All right.

Kayla, why don't you call Derek and ask him to spend the night?

Tim. Yeah?

I was going to include you, but I'm not sure how.

Well, somebody's gotta hold the gun.

Okay, that's loaded.

Okay, let's try to get some rest.

"Once there was a quick fox

named Charlie.

Charlie decided one day.

Charlie decided one day

that he would explore the pasture of the farm."

Oh, oh, oh my goodness, you scared me.

Come out from under there.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Where did you get that truck?

Santa gave it to me.

Buddy, go put your shoes on. We're gonna go out, okay?

Hey, Mr. g.

Hey, Derek.

Making yourself at home, I see.

I trust you and Kayla

made a wall of pillows in bed last night?

Um, is that gun loaded?

Um, is that gun loaded?

Yeah, I slept in the bathroom. Oh, good man.

What are you making? Waffles?

Uh, just some-- Some cereal.

How about a cup of coffee?

Mom!

Sorry, Mrs. g.

Derek, I'm not used to seeing you this early.

Yeah, I know. I usually sneak out. Right. Hey, listen,

make sure Kayla doesn't fall back asleep. She has to be at work in an hour.

All right.

Kayla?

Kayla?

Abby isn't here.

Shane.

Are you okay? Have you been up all night? I'm good.

What are you doing in here?

She felt safer with me. You asked me to come in here, tool.

Have you two seen Taylor? He's not in his room.

Outside, now.

Kids, let's go!

Kids, let's go!

Mom, no.

I got this.

I'm dizzy.

Shane, what's wrong? I'm tired.

What happened? Wake up.

Eh, poor kid.

He just couldn't handle his Ambien.

Daddy's home.

Daddy's home.

Dad! Dad, help me!

Dad, please!

Dad, help!

Dad, help me!

You don't fuck with another man's home.

You don't fuck with another man's home.

I was about to say the same thing myself.

I don't allow loaded guns around my children.

Dad!

Where's Taylor? What did you do with him?

Oh, don't worry about him. He's fine.

Oh, don't worry about him. He's fine.

He's upstairs with the babysitter.

Taylor! Taylor, where are you?

If you keep making that sound,

I'm going to stain the hardwood floors

with your daddy's brains!

- Hello. - This is fcc alarm.

Our systems show that your alarm has been activated.

Police have been notified and are on their way.

You know what? Gosh, I'm so sorry.

I must have accidentally pressed the button.

Everything's fine.

Yes, sir. I just need to verify your password.

Okay, my password is "Abby," a-b-b-y.

It's my daughter's name.

Thank you, sir. I'll call off the patrol. Have a great day.

And you too.

Taylor.

Taylor. Taylor.

Taylor.

Taylor.

Abby.

Don't worry, daddy's coming.

Stay away from me!

Abby.

Hey, ab.

Come on, Abby.

Everything's all right.

Kayla! Kayla, help! Taylor.

Taylor, I'm gonna get you out of there.

Help. Taylor.

Help. Taylor.

Get me out here, please. Okay, okay, okay.

Kayla, help me.

Kayla!

Abby, you found him.

That's good.

Why is Henry crying?

It's gonna be okay. Why is he crying?

Stay away. Stay away from us!

Stay away. Stay away from us!

You're not Abby.

You're not my daughter. What--?

What are you doing in my home? Taylor, just run, okay?

What are you doing in my home?!

Stay away from my family, or I will kill you.

Mom! That was pretty good.

Mom.

Shoot!

Mom, run!

Yeah.

Yeah, don't worry about me.

I'll just carry all our stuff inside by myself.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm on the phone with your mother.

Sweetie, go help your dad, please.

I thought I was babysitting Hank.

I don't need a babysitter. I'm not-I'm not a baby.

I know you're not. Just-why don't you both go help, okay?

Put the football down. Thank you.

Put the football down. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa. Careful with the lamp.

You know what? Actually I don't need your help.

Yeah, the house was a steal.

Supposedly there was some kind of domestic issue next door.

People died.

I know. Lucky, right?

I don't know all the details.

I just know that the previous owner went postal

and they never found the guy.

He's probably in Guam by now.

Yeah.

Anyway, I can't wait for you to see it.