All language subtitles for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark [1988]

-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-

[EXPLOSION]

[GROWLING]

So that's what you look like.

You ugly, horrible... go on!

Try your intellect on me!

I'll see you in hell first!

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

No!

Stop!

Call off your troops.

Cease firing.

He acted like he knew him.

He did.

He learned almost too late that
man is a feeling creature,

and because of it, the
greatest in the universe.

There is hope, but it has
to come from man himself.

I have to go.

I'm gonna eat now.

Hold on just a second.

Hello, darling.

It's me again.

Yours truly, Elvira, the gal
with the enormous, uh, ratings.

Well, that's our show.

I hope you enjoyed watching
it as much as I did.

[GAGGING]

Oh, boy.

I mean, could you believe
that cheesy looking monster?

Looked like Gumby on steroids.

Well, at least the
movie had a moral.

Hey, does anybody know
what that movie was about?

Uh, I'll tell you
what it was about.

It was about an hour
and a half too long.

Oh, and, uh, don't
forget, next week, it's.

The Head With Two Things... I
mean, The Thing With Two Heads.

And until then, this is Elvira,
the gal who put the boob back

in the boob tube, saying
unpleasant dreams.

Hey, put me down, will you?

Is there anything that
could possibly shame you?

Yeah, wearing this in a
public place might do it.

Ha!

Get it, girlfriend.

You got your news and counting.

Hey, Elvira.

Not now, Rudy.

Wait a sec, wait a sec.

See... see that guy over there?

What, the lard bucket
in the 10 gallon hat?

Yes, that's the
station's new owner.

From the edge of the sea to
the end of the valley, you...

What?

Shut up!

This guy's [INAUDIBLE], OK?

Mr. Hooter, this is, uh, Elvira.

Name's Earl, but the ladies
back home call me Longhorn.

Maybe you can guess why.

Gee, I don't know.

Does it have anything
to do with your breath?

Why don't we let this little
filly get herself gussied up?

The sooner I get in the
saddle, the better.

Well, sorry, partner, but it
looks like it's gonna be you

and your trusty old right hand.

Sounds like you're looking to get

yourself fired, little lady.

Go ahead and fire me.

I need this job like a leper
needs a three way mirror.

It just so happens I have an
act opening up in Las Vegas.

Well, terrific.

You can try your act out on me.

It's milkin' time!

[SCREAMS]

That's it!

I'm walking!

I don't have to take
this from anybody.

And as for you, you
cretinous cowpoke...

Whoa, whoa, she's got Hooter!

Somebody on the floor
get her out of there!

Within so much as 10 feet of me,

and I'm gonna tie your
weenie in a granny knot!

You said she was a nympho!

Come on, will you?

Not the ball game!

[CRYING]

You can't quit!

What's the big deal?

Soon as my show opens in Las Vegas,

I'll never have to host one
of those crap-o horror movies

again.

There's no problem with
the show, is there?

Problem? [NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
Complications, maybe,

but never a problem.

All right, out with it, Manny.

OK, the Flamingo won't... it
won't go ahead with the show

unless you come up with some
money to help finance it.

Well, how much do they want?

$50,000.

$50,000?

Are you nuts?

Where am I going to come up
with that kind of money?

Maybe it's not too late
to get your job back.

Forget it, Manny.

I'm never working for
that sleazeball again.

I'll just have to find
another sleazeball.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, telegram for Miss Elvira.

I'll take it.

Dear Elvira, as executor of the
estate of your great aunt Miss.

Morgana Talbot, I'm sorry to inform

you of her untimely passing.

Whoa, I didn't even
know I had a good aunt,

much less a great one.

Let me see that.

It says here all I have to do is
come to Fallwell, Massachusetts

for the reading of the will and
I'll pick up my inheritance!

Is that timing, or what?

[BLOWING NOSE]

And lastly, to my
enchanting niece, Elvira,

who has unflinchingly withstood
the slings and arrows

of an imperfect world without so
much as a whimper or complaint,

I bequeath my entire fortune.

[SOBBING]

Let's show Elvira exactly
what she's inherited!

[BELLS]

Elvira, you are going to start
with something that dreams are

made of... a beautiful
new sailboat!

You're going to sail away in a
sporty Sunchaser II from Stark!

And that's not all.

When you're tired
of sailing, you'll

drive home in this brand
new Jeep Wrangler!

I needed one of those! [SQUEALING]

And you'll sit down to dinner
at this beautiful 10-piece

dining room suite from
American Heritage!

[SQUEALING]

And on top... on top
of all of that, money!

Lots and lots of money!

Elvira.

Elvira, are you all right?

Go ahead and call
the Flamingo, Manny.

Tell them I'll have
the $50,000 as soon

as I get back from Massachusetts.

Las Vegas, here I come.

[MUSIC - LORI CHACKO,
"ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY"]

Hop in, sailor.

[LAUGHING]

Here, you forgot your axe.

[SCREAM]

[HOWLING]

[SIRENS]

You know you were doing 50
in a 25 mile per hour zone?

Um, no.

But if you hum a few bars,
I'll fake it. [LAUGHING]

I gotta get a new joke.

This one's costing me a fortune.

[FART]

Hey, how about some gas?

Fuck this.

You know, those
things will kill you.

Have a nice day.

[EXPLOSION]

[HONKING]

I can make darn sure
he doesn't get it.

I have my ways, you know.

Well!

Oh!

Well, I never.

Yeah, and you never will with
them soup cans on your head.

Listen, young lady, I
don't know who you are

or where you came
from, but you most

certainly don't fit in this town.

Why, you don't even
fit in that dress.

Listen, sister, if I
want your opinion,

I'll beat it out of you.

Oh!

Anita!

It's the Antichrist, I
tell you, the Antichrist!

Can someone tell me where
there's a garage around here?

Yeah, yeah.

There's one right up the street.

Oh.

Well, uh, would one of
you big, strong men

mind giving me a little push?

Easy, easy.

Don't scratch the paint.

She's incredible.

Man, what I wouldn't do for just

one peek at those gazongas.

They're unreal.

Oh, great.

That means I'm stuck
in this hellhole.

I mean, this quaint
little hellhole.

Uh, listen, is there a motel
or something around here?

Well, there's the Cozy
Cot down by the Widow.

Bishop's feed store.

Course, her son sort of took that

over after she had that
spell of gingivitis.

Her whole mouth swole up.

Looked like she ate
a box of staples.

Folks were saying she
got it from kissing

that old dog of hers.

Nice tits.

[HOWLING]

Yoo-hoo!

[BELL RINGING]

Can I get a room?

Sorry, we're booked solid.

So how come it says
vacancy out there?

Look, we do have a room.

Remember the trucker
with the bad skin

that checked out this morning?

Ew.

I hope you changed the sheets.

Hi.

Is that makeup I see on
your face, young lady?

No, ma'am.

I mean, yes, ma'am.

Well, just a little.

How many times have
I told you, you're

too young to wear makeup!

Now, mother, I don't think...

Shut up, Wesley!

But grandma, all the
other girls at school

are wearing makeup!

And if all the other girls
at school jumped off a cliff,

would you jump off a cliff?

All right!

And you don't have the sense
that you were born with.

You have...
[BELL RINGING]

I hate to interrupt this
little episode of The Waltons,

but can I get a room?

OK, but it's cash up front.

I know what you pinko heavy metal

weirdos do to motel rooms.

Read all about in The Star.

I'll, uh, show the
lady to her room.

Oh no you don't.

Hey, don't let them get you down.

I used to get the same
line about makeup

from the nuns at the orphanage.

Course, I was only eight.

Uh, I'm Elvira.

I'm Robin.

So, um, Robin, what's there to
do for fun around here, anyway?

This town isn't real big on fun.

Mm.

Well, there is one
place that's open.

The bowling alley.

That gets real wild
on league night.

Gee, I think I can handle it.

Oh, I am so sure.

They must think we're
really stupid.

They're gonna kill
Spider-Man with plutonium?

He's got radioactive blood.

Yeah?

Let me see that.

Hey, man, what'd you do that for?

Shut up.

Look at what just walked in.

Um, bloody Mary.

No hard liquor served 8:00.

Do you want a virgin?

Maybe, but I'll have a
couple of drinks first.

Hey, baby.

I got something to show you.

Sorry.

Left my magnifying glass at home.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Billy, that is no way
to talk to a lady.

So, how about a blowjob?

[LAUGHING]

I bet you think that was
pretty funny, don't you?

I enjoyed it.

Yeah?

Well, you're gonna
enjoy this even more.

I cut you, man!

She stabbed me!

Faked you out.

Yeah?

Well, this ain't fake, baby!

So stand still,
because I'm gonna...

Oof!

Uh, my name's Elvira, but
you can call me tonight.

I'm Bob.

Bob Redding.

Pleased to meet you.

Look at this mess!

Who the heck is gonna pay for it?

It's all right, Patty.

I'll take care of the damages.

Seems to me it's all this
cheap little tart's fault.

Cheap?

Who are you calling cheap?

What's that perfume you're wearing?

Catch of the day?

Look, honey, I don't know
which hole you crawled out of,

but I suggest you crawl right back

in if you know what's good for you.

Yeah, yeah.

You better watch out.

You could put some of these
eyes out with them things.

We better go.

It looks like you've got
some competition, Patty.

Charlie, trash does not
compete with class.

Right down the street,
at the Cozy Cot.

Oh.

So what brought you to Fallwell?

Uh, my car.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, no, really, I'm here for
the reading of my great aunt.

Morgana's will.

Morgana Talbot?

She's your aunt?

Yeah, it came as a
surprise to me, too.

I never really knew her, but
I sure admired her spunk.

She never caved in the way
everybody else in this town

has.

Well, I don't want to bore
you with local politics.

Go ahead.

Bore me.

OK.

We've got this town council
that lives in mortal

fear that somewhere, somehow,
somebody in Fallwell

is having a good time.

Oh.

Bunch of real preservatives, huh?

I run the movie house.

Oh, really?

I'm in movies, too.

Have you ever shown, uh,
um, "I Married Satan"?

No.

How about the sequel,
"I Married Satan 2"?

No.

Uh, hm.

I, uh... I can only
play G rated movies.

Oh.

Well, I mean, there's nothing
wrong with G-rated movies,

as long as there's lots
of sex and violence.

Um, hey, listen,
Bob, I'm only going

to be in town for a couple of days,

and I can't think of anyone who I'd

rather squeeze into my agenda.

Gee, that'd be swell.

[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]

[CAR STARTING]

Oh, Mr. Talbot, your sister
was like a mother to me.

She was a mother to me, too, dear.

Well, now that we've dispensed
with the obligatory display

of bereavement, you may begin
the proceedings, Mr. Bigelow.

Well, it was Mrs. Talbot's wish
to have all of her relatives

present for the
reading of the will.

All of her relatives are present.

Me, myself, and I.

[LAUGHING] Uh, well,
apparently Mrs.

Talbot has a grand
niece Elvira, who

is also one of the beneficiaries.

That's impossible.

Uh, well...

Who is this grand niece?

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

But then, so's my aunt.

Hey, what did she die of?

Nothing serious, I hope.

Say, nice jacket.

Who shot the couch?

Uh...

Hey, is there a
bathroom around here?

I'm telling you, that
toilet over at the Cozy Cot

looks like somebody's
science project.

Who is this woman?

This must be Mrs.
Talbot's grand niece.

Oh, Elvira, this is your great
aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot.

She was my aunt, and
you're her brother,

then you must be my Uncle Vinny!

Get this woman off of me!

Oh, and you must be
Auntie Em and Uncle Remus!

Oh, there's no place like home!

The There's no place like home!

Hurry up, Bigelow.

Let's get on with it.

Yeah, really.

Let's get going before
somebody else dies.

Uh, this is the certified and
only last will and testament

of the deceased Morgana Talbot.

To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morrissey,

for years of loyalty and devotion,

I leave my silver tea service
and a cash allotment of $5,000.

[SOBBING]

Hey, babe, what are
you whining about?

You made out like a bandit.

To Mr. Morrissey,
my driver, I leave

my automobile and an
allotment of $5,000.

Wow, dude, $10,000
just for the help?

That old gal must have
really been loaded!

Oh, I mean, dear, sweet Aunt
Morgana certainly was generous.

Oh, what's it say about me?

What did I get?

To my grand niece Elvira.

Come on, lay it on
me, Aunt Morgana.

Big bucks, big bucks!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, I bequeath
my house, my beloved poodle,

Algonquin, and my
precious book of recipes.

That's it?

A house, a dog, and a book?

Please, if you will
allow me to finish.

And finally, to my
dear brother Vincent,

I leave the rest of my
estate and holdings,

of which there is none.

[GROWL]

Where's the cash?

Where's the furniture?

Where's Bob Eubanks?

He wasn't mentioned.

I don't get it, man.

Uh, boss.

What's so important about
a dumb recipe book?

That dumb recipe book
contains more power

than your feeble little
minds can ever imagine,

and it rightfully belongs to me.

I must have that book!

Great. Just what I need.

A house.

I need a house in Fallwell
like I need a padded bra.

I can't live here!

I'll go crazy, I tell you!

Crazy!

[HONKING]

May I offer you a ride?

Buzz off, creep.

I'm not in the mood.

Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinny.

Yes.

Uncle Vinny.

I must apologize for my
behavior in the office.

It's just that your appearance
was a bit of a shock to me.

It's OK.

My appearance is kind of
a shock to everybody.

Yes.

Well, as you may have surmised,
my sister and I... well,

let's just say we had
our differences.

Yeah, I guess.

You really got shafted.

Uh, look.

I'll tell you what, Uncle Vinny.

Um, I'll share my
inheritance with you.

You can have the dog.

No!

Thank you.

But I would be interested in
acquiring that recipe book.

You know, for sentimental reasons.

I'd be willing to pay you.

Say, oh, $50.

Hey, sure.

I'll do it for $50.

Oh!

Vinny, you got
yourself a cookbook.

That lawyer guy's taking me
over to the house, though.

You can pick it up there later.

Fine.

I'll see you there.

Oh, uh, don't forget
to bring the cash.

Drive!

(SINGING) If one of those
bottles should happen to fall,

98... oh, we're here.

Hey, this place ain't half bad.

Bet you could get a bundle for it.

Yes, you could.

But your house is over there.

Oh, Mr. Talbot, I just
wanted to thank you

for that generous donation you
made to the Morality Club.

You're quite welcome.

You know, as I always
say, morals aren't cheap.

And speaking of cheap,
uh, a little birdie

told me that that Elvira
woman is related to you.

Now, not that it's any of my
business, but then, of course,

everything is.

Believe me, I'm as anxious
to get rid of her as you are.

Oh, good.

You know, because someone like that

comes to town, the
next thing you know,

they're teaching sex
education in the schools

and they're passing out
condoms to kindergartners.

You remember when those
swarthy fellows...

She won't be with us very long.

Oh.

Um, uh, why, uh... well, I
know I'm needed somewhere.

Bye bye, now.

Careful.

Some of the boards are loose.

What a dump.

Like I said, the house
needs a little something.

Yeah, like a wrecking ball.

[BARKING]

I think Algonquin likes you.

Here, doggy.

Go on.

Go chase this into the street.

I can't stand little dogs.

Boy, if my aunt wasn't
dead, I'd kill her.

Sorry, Aunt Morgana.

Just kidding.

Here's the rest of
your inheritance.

Your great aunt's recipe book.

Oh, yeah.

Some inheritance.

Well, at least I'm
getting $50 for it.

Say, how much you think I
could get for this place?

Well, even though the
house is in disrepair,

it is in a prime location.

I'd venture to say you
could get, um, $70,000.

$70,000?

Maybe more if it were fixed up.

Would you be interested in selling?

Does a chicken have a pecker?

Of course I'm interested!

Now, what am I gonna do with you?

That's more like it, Algonquin.

Algonquin.

What a sissy name.

Let's see, what do I call you?

I know, Gonk.

How do you like that?

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

[KNOCKING]

Yeah, hold your horses.

[KNOCKING]

Hi, Uncle Vinny.

You're here for the book, right?

Come on in.

Oh, can I make you a cup
of tea or something?

I wouldn't want to put
you to any trouble.

Mm, good point.

I can't stay very long anyway.

Say, you wouldn't want to
buy a house, would you?

I'm afraid not.

I'll sell it to you really cheap.

Uh, no thank you.

Vinny, they don't make
houses like this anymore.

I mean, look at the detailing.

Look... look at the craftsmanship.

What would you pay for
a house like this?

Don't answer, because you
not only get a house.

If you act right now, you also get

all this beautiful furniture!

Now what would you pay?

I'm telling you, it's a jewel box.

A gem.

A love hutch for two.

I'd bend over backwards
to make you a deal.

I'll bend over forwards.

Why, I'd stand on my
head and eat a bug.

I... No!

Just the book.

OK.

I mean, if you're gonna
get crabby about it.

[CREAK]

That's weird.

I would've sworn the book
was just on that table.

You promised me that book.

Hey, don't get your
panties in a bunch.

It didn't just walk away.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

Yes!

Of course it will.

Forgive me.

[BARKING]

[GROWLING]

He thinks he's a pit bull.

[GROWLING]

[LIGHTNING]

Good thing I'm not gonna
be here very long.

The neighbors would
never get any sleep.

About time, doofus.

Did you bring the camera?

Do I look like an idiot?

Do you really want
me to answer that?

Shut up, you guys.

She's gonna hear us.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's

the most drop dead
gorgeous one of all?

Oh, you're just saying that.

[THUNDER]

What do you see?

In a minute, in a minute!

Ow, my fingers!

Guys, I can't see a thing!

In a minute!

Whoa.

Hey, don't drop me!

Ow!

What do you see?

Awesome!

I gotcha.

[SCREAMING]

Haven't you boys got someplace
else to hang around?

I heard you might need a little
help fixing up the place.

That's very thoughtful,
but why don't you

come back when the light's better?

Good night.

[SCREAMING]

You blew it!

Did you see those gazongas?

I saw them.

I got it!

All right!

Yeah!

[THUNDER]

FEMALE SPEAKER: Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, out, out, out!

Out!

[THUNDER]

Hi, Elvira.

Hi.

Oh, h you're here.

Richie's folks run
the hardware store.

And we got lots of paint.

Oh, do you?

Too bad they don't own the bank.

Uh, I'll be right down.

Let's do it.

[MUSIC - THE ISLEY
BROTHERS, "SHOUT"]

Hey, Elvira!

We got us a couple more volunteers.

Great!

Just grab a tool and start banging.

Hi, Elvira.

Hi, Robin.

Come on in.

Randy, can you hand me that rag?

Randy!

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure.

Young lady!

Robin Meeker, what in
tarnation are you doing here?

You're gonna pay dearly!

Robin!

I'm going to find out
about this, young lady!

Robin!

Come over here!

When are you going to learn
to do what you're told?

You're going to learn
to do what you're told.

Lemonade!

It's fabulous!

[CHEERING]

I tell you, I nearly died.

There she was, parading around
in clothes that couldn't

keep a titmouse dry in a drizzle.

I mean, it was next to nothing.

I'd say it was next to plenty.

And she had half the
teenagers in town

writhing around to
that jungle music.

And this morning, on my regular
tour of the boys' lavatory,

I confiscated this.

I'll be making the
announcement this afternoon.

Henceforth, all students will be
subject to immediate expulsion

if they are found in the
company of that floozy!

Please.

I don't think we need to
resort to name calling.

I think what Calvin is trying
to say is that this Elvira is

a person of easy virtue, a
purveyor of pulchritude, a one

woman Sodom and
Gomorrah, if you will.

A slimy, slithering succubus!

A concubine, a street walker, a
tramp, a slut, a cheap whore!

She'll be nothing but a bad dream

just as soon as she
sells that property.

An open house has already
been planned for tomorrow.

What... what if she
decides not to sell?

What if she decides to settle here?

Well, if she's morally
unfit, then we

have every right to do anything we

can to get her out of this town.

Are we agreed?

Absolutely.

Hear, hear.

Maybe we're not being
entirely objective about this!

Shut up, Leslie!

Then it's unanimous.

Carol [INAUDIBLE],
Fallwell Real Estate.

Boy, I sure hope
you've got a buyer.

I haven't had so much
as a lookie loo.

Don't worry.

I have some wealthy
investor friends

that would buy this
house in a minute.

That is, if you play
your cards right.

Oh, honey, I'd do anything
to get rid of this rat trap.

That's what I like.

A motivated seller.

It's all a matter of technique.

For starters, let's try
and set the proper mood.

Oh, good idea.

I mean, the less they
see, the better.

It's usually a matter of
getting close to the buyer.

Tell them all about the
potential appreciation,

and guide him through
every nook and cranny.

Slowly unveil everything
from the balcony

to the basement, one
area at a time.

Then, when he's so enthralled
he's ready to burst,

you clinch the deal!

Ow!

You'll be sorry!

You'll never sell this
place without me!

Just because this house is up
for grabs doesn't mean I am!

[BARKING]

Get this dog off me!

Get back!

Get out of here!

[PHONE RINGING]

Calm down, Manny, she says!

I've got the Flamingo breathing
down my neck to cough up

the dough to hold that
showroom, and you're

telling me to calm down?

I told you, I'll come
up with the money!

Heck, I was just six inches
from selling this house today.

Look, kid, you better get
that money here pronto,

or you're through, you hear me?

The only m room you'll see in
Vegas will have Toyotas in it!

And now I understand she
is out looking for a job?

[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]

There she is.

Mm.

Let's go.

[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]

There's no book upstairs,
but I found these panties.

Try one.

They're edible.

Mm!

Mmph!

Now keep looking.

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

Excuses, excuses.

We turned the place inside out.

Yeah.

And tell him about the dog.

Well, it must have been the
size of a water buffalo.

Quiet!

Now listen to me very carefully.

I want you to go to the courthouse

and remove all the records
of the town ordinances

and bring them back to me.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Then get out!

[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]

Oh.

[HONKING]

Ow!

Oh my gosh, Elvira!

I'm sorry!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so.

How's your head?

I haven't had any complaints yet.

Excuse me?

Uh, I think I'll live.

Believe me, it's not
the worst thing

that's happened to me today.

I've been to every
place in this town,

and no one will give me a job.

It's... it's like it's a
conspiracy or something.

You know what your problem is?

Chastity Pariah.

Ooh, I thought that cleared up.

No, Chastity Pariah.

She's the old biddy.

She's got the whole town
turned against you.

Oh, swell.

So now no one'll hire me,
and I'm flat busted!

No, I mean I'm broke.

I'd hire you if I could, but
I'm barely making enough money

to stay in business as it is.

Duh.

Not surprised.

I mean, who wants to pay to see
some quack making duck calls?

And besides that, Bob, you
got an extra E in matinee.

No I don't.

That's how you spell it.

Uh, Bob, I'm in show business.

I think I know how
to spell matinee.

Oh!

[SWOON]

[SCREAM]

Oh, Bob, how can I ever repay you?

Here, let me try.

You witch!

I guess I better get back to work.

The matinee's going to start soon.

Oh, yeah, I can see the
crowds lining up now.

Bobby, baby, you are
going to go broke

showing turkeys like these.

You got a better idea?

It just so happens that I
have some of the classic films

of all time in the trunk of my car.

As a matter of fact...

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

He who holds the book of sight,
when the moon is drained of all

its light, will then be ruler of
the night, master of the dark.

The lunar eclipse, Morgana,
is less than a week away.

When the moon is drained
of all its light.

There's nothing you can do!

You're dead, and I'm not!

[CACKLING]

Oh, there you are.

I have been looking all
over for you guys.

You are not going to
believe the good news.

Yours truly is hosting a
special midnight screening

at Bob's Theater of one of
the worst movies ever made.

I mean, it is bad.

You know, like bad as in bad.

Like, I'm bad, Jamal, you know it.

Hey, what is this?

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

Two days ago, we
were bosom buddies.

It's the principal.

You're darn right,
it's a principle.

Friends oughta stick together.

No.

I mean the principal, Mr. Cobb.

He'd kill us if we
went to your show.

Not to mention our parents.

Kill your parents, too?

No.

Our parents would never let
us stay out that late.

Oh.

I see.

Well, the last thing I want to do

is get you guys in any trouble.

I mean, so what if it blows my
only chance at making a living?

That's not your problem.

And if I get so depressed I wind up

hanging myself in the oven, hey!

Those are the breaks.

And if they ever ask
about me, tell them

I was more than just a
great set of boobs.

I was also an incredible
pair of legs.

And tell them... tell them that
I never turned down a friend.

That I never turned down a
stranger, for that matter.

And tell them... tell them that
when all is said and done,

I only ask that people remember
me by two simple words.

Any two, as long as they're simple.

[CRYING]

We all decide to help
Elvira, what can Cobb do?

He can expel us all.

I don't know about the rest
of you, but I'll be there.

Me too.

Count on me.

We're sorry, Elvira.

We'll all come to your show.

Great!

12:00 sharp.

Be there or be square.

All right, 12:30, my old man's
out watching [INAUDIBLE].

[WHISPERING]

[GRUNTING]

Oof!

[RIP]

Oh, that looks great!

You really like it?

Yeah!

Elvira, where do you want this?

Just right up there.

OK.

What's the bucket for?

I tell you, oh, it's so cool!

This is the part that I
ripped off... uh, I mean,

that was inspired by Flashdance.

I reach up, I pull this
rope, and my entire body

is covered in gold glitter!

Could you die?

Oh, all right.

Oh, God, I'm telling you, that's

a guaranteed standing ovulation.

You're late.

Where t guy gets pureed!

Don't worry.

They're Italian.

They'll wind up making a
great marinara sauce.

Ronnie?

Is that you?

Man.

Oh, this is where the heroine
gets grabbed by the tomatoes!

I can't look!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, boy, this ending's
so bad the tomatoes ought

to start throwing rotten
people at the screen.

[APPLAUSE]

OK, don't anybody move, because
the best is yet to come.

Ladies and dobermans, it's
time for the grand finale!

[MUSIC - MICHAEL SEMBELLO,
"SHE'S A MANIAC"]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SPUTTERING]

[CACKLING]

Patty!

Ugh!

I have never been so
humiliated in my entire life!

Just wait until I get
my hands on that Patty.

I'm going to rip every single
bleach blonde hair out

of her scalp, gouge
out her eyeballs,

and use her head for
a bowling ball!

I'm telling you, they are
not gonna get away with it!

That barf bag Chastity
blacklisting me out of a job,

and that sleazeoid of a
high school principal

turning all the kids against me!

And that bench sniffing
real estate letch,

trying to get his
commission in the sack!

I'll get even with
every one of them

if it's the last thing I do!

What's that perfume
you're wearing?

Super unleaded.

Don't smoke.

Well, here's to my big opening.

I mean... oh, forget it.

[GASP]

Uh, don't you kids think
it's past your bedtime?

Oh, heck no.

I'm not tired... ouch!

It is getting awfully late.

Yeah.

We'd better be going.

Yep, well, see you dudes tomorrow.

Ow!

There's the darn recipe book.

How'd it get under there?

[WHINING]

Oh, that reminds me, I'm starving.

Mm, me too.

Uh, let's go get something to eat.

There's an all night truck
stop out on the interstate.

No no no no no no no, Bob.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you set the table while I

see what I can whip
up in the kitchen?

My aunt sure had lousy penmanship.

I can't read a word of this stuff.

Looks like it was
written in some kind

of foreign language or something.

Hey, wait, look at this.

Adraka Kozerol.

Kozerol.

Oh, casserole!

Hm, that sounds good.

OK, let's see.

What does it say here?

One edreziba.

Huh.

Wonder where she keeps the
edreziba around here.

Whoa, this is some spice rack.

Tramazul.

Columbra, corderox.

Ah, here it is.

Edreziba.

One edreziba.

OK, one half of a lemgra.

Ugh, looks like the
lemgra went bad.

I don't know, it says it's
good until June of next year.

What the heck?

I got a cast iron stomach.

OK then, let's see.

Two to three golitra.

Golitra.

Uh, let's see.

One corderox.

Mm.

Doesn't smell too bad.

But it looks like caca doo doo.

There.

That's much better.

It's soup!

Mm, smells great.

What is it?

Oh, it's just a little
something I conjured up.

Oh.

Allow me.

Thank you ever so much.

Well, I hope you're hungry,
'cause here's dinner.

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[ROARING]

The switch, Bob, the switch!

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]

First time I was ever an
appetizer for the main course.

Where'd you learn how to cook?

I didn't.

I just followed the directions
in my aunt's... Gonk,

what are you doing?

Give me that cookbook!

Gonk!

Gonk, you get back here right now,

or you are grounded for one week!

Gonk!

Gonk, come here.

[GASP]

Deja vu.

Wow.

Gonk?

Gonk, are you in here?

[BARK]

Gonk, you are a very bad, bad dog.

Oh, yuck, you slobbered
all over it.

[BARKING]

Now what do you want?

[GROWLING]

I think he wants you
to open the trunk.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Wow, look at all this cool junk!

This could be you, Gonk.

[GROWLING]

Ew.

I think I used to go
out with this guy.

Take a look at this.

Think it's for me?

Go ahead.

Open it.

Mm, you open it.

Dearest Elvira, for
all these years,

I protected you from the truth.

But the time has now come
when your only protection

is the truth.

Say what?

Let me see this.

Your mother, Devana, was
an extraordinary woman.

She was the true
mistress of the dark.

But her power did not
go unchallenged.

MORGANA: For 300 years, your Great.

Uncle Vincent coveted her dominion.

You 300?

God, I hope I look that
good when I'm that old.

MORGANA: He would have
destroyed you as he did her,

had I not sent you away.

I left you with all the power
you would need to protect

yourself, and entrusted
you to my loyal familiar.

What's that about a familiar?

Bob, haven't you ever seen
any old Roger Corman movies?

Every witch has one.

They're like a...
Like a pet that can

change into almost anything.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Um, but it wasn't you alone
that I sought to protect.

It was the book.

It contained your mother's magic.

MORGANA: Our enemy
is a formidable one.

Protect the book,
Elvira, and above all,

keep it from Vincent when the moon

falls under the Earth's shadow.

Remember, you carry
the power with you.

Your loving aunt, Morgana.

Too macabre.

I mean, like, I knew
I was different,

but I didn't think I was
quite that different.

No wonder Vinnie had
such a spaz attack

when I couldn't find the book!

Yeah, and you heard
what your aunt said.

He can't get his hands on it!

No way he's getting it now.

And here I am knocking myself out

to make a living as a horror
hostess when I'm actually

descended from, like, a major
metaphysical celebrity!

All I have to do is just
find the right spell,

and I can make the money
I need for Vegas!

I mean really make the money.

I don't think you should go
fooling with that book again.

Look, look, Bob, here it is!

Selsba Riki Moola!

That's exactly what I need!

Lots of moolah!

OK, OK.

Selsba Riki Moola Sheen.

Hey, Elvira, I... I
don't think that...

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

It's... it's working, Bob!

It's working!

Bob, are you still here?

Right here.

What is this?

[GASP] Oh, why Bob.

You know, Bob, I may
be wrong, but I

think that might have
been a love spell.

Really?

Oh, Bob.

Bob! [MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

Hold me, Bob.

Hold me.

[BAND PLAYING]

Oh, Chastity, the
picnic's a great success.

Yes, I think it's something
we can all be proud of me for.

[APPLAUSE]

Come and get it!

Oh, now, you children, you're
acting like wild animals!

Get to the end of the line, now.

It all looks so good.

I can't remember when
I've been this hungry.

Oh, Melody, I see you've made
your famous Tic-Tac pie.

Oh!

Bob, what are you doing?

You scared the hell out of me.

What's going on?

Let's just say I'm
settling the score.

Oh, no.

Well, it is a potluck.

And believe me, when
they open that pot,

they're going to need all
the luck they can get.

Oh, I don't believe
I've had any of this.

Revenge is better than Christmas.

I don't get it.

What happened?

Looks like some sort of casserole.

Mm.

Mm!

This is marvelous.

I must get this recipe.

Oh, shoot!

Must have screwed it
up when I substituted

the falengra with some
Hamburger Helper.

Oh, yes.

Thank you for my drink.

There.

Ah, oh.

Mm!

Mmm.

[LAUGHING] I feel a little odd.

Suddenly it's very warm.

[MUSIC - NINA SIMONE,
"I PUT A SPELL ON YOU"]

Remind you of anything?

Remind you of anything?

Give me that!

It's mine!

Oh boy, am I a horndog.

Excuse me.

Is this face taken?

[GASP]

[LAUGHING]

Come on, stud.

Let's boogie!

Hey, Leslie, let's mambo.

That's an interesting dish.

Where did you learn how to make it?

Oh, it's just an
old family recipe.

All right.

I'll give you $500 for the book.

What, do I look like I just
fell off the tuna truck?

The deal's off, uncle!

You think you're pretty
clever, don't you?

Well, mark my words, I'll get
you, and your little dog, too!

Help.

No!

Oh, you again.

Do you always wear the same dress?

No, sometimes I like to wear
something low cut and sexy.

Well, I guess in your business,
it pays to advertise.

Come here, Bob.

Let me show you how a
real woman does it.

Excuse me.

[LAUGHING]

You all saw it!

He attacked me in broad daylight,

and he had his way with me!

Me?

I barely got away with my life!

You could have worn out
a mechanical bull!

Ooh, you're not going
to get away with this,

you sex addled maniac!

I demand that the council
remove this pervert!

I never laid a hand on
those sheep, so help me!

Calvin was the one
who was painting

everybody with apple butter!

I was just an innocent onlicker.

Silence!

Don't you see?

You're playing right
into her hands.

It's Elvira who is
responsible for all this.

Of course.

I should have known it
was that little harlot.

We ought to ride her out
of town on a big fat rail.

She might enjoy that too much.

There is a much more
satisfactory solution.

We can have her arrested.

Arrested?

On what charges?

It so happens that there
is a law on the books that

dates back to the Salem trials.

It specifically forbids, and
I quote, "any towns person"

from practicing the ancient
arts of spell casting,

"demonology, alchemy,
and conjuration."

The charge, my fellow council
members, is witchcraft.

Let me out of here!

Pipe down in there!

Hey, I've seen The People's Court.

I'm entitled to one phone
call and a strip search!

Well, there's a pay phone
right across the street.

What's the matter?

You forget where you
put your broom?

Listen, fatso, if I had a broom,

I know exactly where I'd put it.

Oh, this is swell.

I can just hear Manny now.

Hello, Vegas?

We got a slight crimp in
the plans for the show.

Yeah, the star was
burned at the stake.

Elvira!

Great news!

I got you the best
lawyer in the county.

He'll be here first
thing in the morning.

Bob, in the morning?

First thing in the morning, I'll
be able to fit in an ashtray!

You've gotta get me out of here!

But how?

The book!

It's my only chance.

Quick, run to the house and get it!

OK.

Oh, but Bob, wait!

What?

I hid it under the floorboard
in the living room.

OK.

Oh, Woo Bob!

What?

Hurry!

Stay low!

Keep down low!

Now.

[WHIMPERING]

What are you whining about?

I'm the one getting barbecued.

[BARK]

[GROWLING]

Oh.

Sorry.

At last, it's mine.

The power is mine!

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

Gonk, don't have a conniption fit.

[BARKING]

Whoa.

Must've took too much
antacid in the '60s.

Two, four, six, eight,
who do we incinerate?

Elvira!

Thank goodness, padre!

I am here to save you, my child.

At last, someone to talk
some sense into these people.

God, save this wretched
creature's soul,

even though her creamy white
flesh will burn and sizzle.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Thanks for trying, you guys.

Elvira!

Gonk?

Is that you, boy?

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

Good work, Gonk.

Burn the witch!

Do you smoke?

I guess we'll find
out soon enough.

Burn the witch!

[INAUDIBLE]!

Oh no, you're not
gonna believe this.

I left my oven on.

I'll just be a minute.

Burn the witch!

Any last words?

Just one.

Help!

Burn the witch!

Hold it!

Hold it down!

Quiet, quiet there!

And now, by the power vested
in me by the sovereign state

of Massachusetts, I
do hereby pronounce

sentence on Elvira the prisoner!

Death by fire!

Hold it, Sheriff.

What you're doing is wrong.

Patty?

It'll catch faster if you
light it in several places.

Patty, no!

We ought to have one
of these every year.

Burn in hell, witch!

Patty!

Burn the witch!

Burn her!

Bye, kids.

It's been swell.

Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.

Let me through!

Elvira!

Bob!

Hi, Bob.

Patty!

You're not a very nice person.

Burn the witch!

[INAUDIBLE].

[BARKING]

Gonk?

MORGANA (VOICEOVER): Remember,
you carry the power with you.

The ring!

[BARKING]

[THUNDER]

Are you all right?

Look.

The lunar eclipse.

Remember?

Your aunt's letter.

When the moon falls under
the Earth's shadow.

Yeah, so?

Vincent's got the book!

[THUNDER]

Elvira!

Elvira!

Gonk!

Where's Gonk?

[BARKING]

Oh, you tricky little devil.

Oh!

Vincent!

Remember us?

We're on your side.

Swine.

Stay back.

Sic 'em, Gonk!

[GROWLING]

[WHIMPERING]

Don't make me use this!

[LAUGHING]

The amulet could not
protect your mother,

and it won't save you.

Kaldozar Ipsulay!

Huh.

So you want to play rough eh?

Well, take this!

Huh?

What?

You cannot escape me,
daughter of Devana.

I shall destroy you as I did her.

[GUN COCKING]

You looking for me?

[GUNSHOT]

Did you think you could
stop me with your toys?

No, but I figured it
would be worth a shot.

Look!

[LAUGHING]

Kozar Kara Ocktar!

Sure, that's easy for you to say.

[SCREAMING]

[ROARING]

[GROWLING]

That hurt!

Now, baby.

Hey.

We have a little
unfinished business.

Yeah, well, uh, I think
we can do business.

Uh, yeah, sure, I can dig it.

Uh, I'm cool, bro.

Know what it is, where it's at.

I'll show you where it's at.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHOKING]

I am master of the dark!

I'll see you in hell first!

[HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAM]

[SCREAMING]

And now, Elvira, you die!

[SCREAMING]

MORGANA (VOICEOVER): Remember,
you carry the power with you.

[WHINING]

So what did the
insurance guys say?

My policy doesn't
cover acts of demons.

Well, at least you've
still got the ring.

Yeah, but the only thing I
can get it to do anymore

is look cheap.

Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.

I know you had your heart
set on playing Las Vegas.

I'm just not the kind of
girl whose dreams come true.

I do better on nightmares.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Yeah, don't worry about me, Bob.

I'm like fake fruit.

I don't bruise that easy.

Uh-oh.

Here comes the lynch mob.

Hey, take it easy, take
it easy, I'm leaving.

We don't want you to go.

No, no.

This is our way of saying
we were wrong about you,

and we're sorry.

Elvira, you're the best thing that

ever happened to this town.

You touched a part of my
son that... that nobody's

ever touched before.

I wish.

As long as you're
in Fallwell, you'll

always have a free
room at the Cozy Cot.

Aww.

Wait just a minute, Leslie!

Shut up, you old bag!

[HONKING]

Well, I finally got it running.

Great!

At least now I'll
have a place to live.

But I still don't know how
I'm gonna pay you for it.

Don't worry.

We'll work out something.

Elvira.

I'm, uh, sorry that I set
you on fire and everything.

And, uh, I hope there
are no hard feelings.

Don't worry.

She's bigger than that.

Yeah.

A lot bigger.

[LAUGHTER]

Elvira, I've got
some important papers

that you're gonna have to sign.

With your uncle gone, you're
the only heir to his estate.

I am?

Not an inconsiderable
one, at that.

Las Vegas!

Elvira, that's fantastic!

Las Vegas!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Flaming Hotel

is proud to present the
Mistress of the Dark, Elvira!

(SINGING) I've always
dreamed of doing this,

and now I've got my chance.

So excuse me while I indulge
myself in a little song

and dance.

Well, if you're looking
for trouble, here I am.

And if you wanna see
double, here I am.

I don't do what the good girls do.

Bad dreams really do come true.

Here I am.

I'm the bitch in black,
so you better stand back.

You might get motion
sickness or a heart attack.

I can really rap up with the
swelling in your pocket,

make your eyeballs drop
right out of their socket.

I'm rough, I'm tough,
I'm woman enough.

Get ready.

I'm gonna do my stuff.

I can take it, I can shake it.

I can cook it, I can bake it.

If I don't have the
recipe, I'll fake it.

I'm a volcano that's ready to blow.

Look out, y'all, 'cause here I go!

[BARKING]

For me?

Unpleasant dreams.

[HOWLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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