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1
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Thirty seconds and counting.
2
00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:15,014
Power transfer is complete.
3
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,559
We're on internal power
with the launch vehicle at this time.
4
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,769
T minus 20 seconds and counting.
5
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,022
All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.
6
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,858
T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal.
7
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:29,695
Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...
8
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,989
Ignition sequence starts.
9
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:37,536
Six, five, four, three, two, one,
10
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,372
zero. All engines running.
11
00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,292
Lift off! We have a lift off.
12
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,544
And so in 1972,
13
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,506
the Atlas Centaur rocket
blasted off from our planet,
14
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,135
a four-stage rocket that launched a probe
15
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,220
way out into the blackness of space.
16
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,015
The probe would use the energy from the sun
17
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:01,185
and the gravitational pull
of our neighbouring planets
18
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:02,770
to cross our solar system.
19
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,230
That momentum would then carry it on
20
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,691
into the farthest reaches of the universe.
21
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:12,404
The mission, to find intelligent life
similar to ours
22
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,115
out there in deep space.
23
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,036
The probe carried a tablet
which had inscribed on it
24
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,622
the image of us humans, a man and a woman,
25
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:23,415
and a map to locate us in the universe.
26
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:28,837
Stage four disconnects and our probe
is fired on its long journey.
27
00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:31,548
The woeld wished it bon voyage
28
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,760
and may it find a friend out there
29
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,512
in deep space.
30
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:16,612
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
31
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,781
Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.
32
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,491
Thank you, nice to see you.
33
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,169
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
34
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:34,755
When I interviewed Neil Clarke
for The Book Programme,
35
00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:36,381
I knew he was extraordinary.
36
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:40,260
Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel,
37
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,221
reviewers agree he's joined the ranks
38
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,014
of Britain's immortals.
39
00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,557
Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
40
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,817
So I suppose I wanted to start off
by asking you
41
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,780
how did you manage such amazing
insight into the soul of modern man
42
00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,532
and how do you know
what men and women really want,
43
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,037
just really the whole relationship
between humanity and the cosmos?
44
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:10,249
Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that
45
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,001
by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
46
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,796
I studied its flaws,
47
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,382
its potential, its urgent needs.
48
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,800
I listened to its cries for help...
49
00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:26,181
...and its yelps of anguish and, I...
50
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,226
I spent five long years
51
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:33,981
in a book which I hoped would throw open
the doors of human perception
52
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,901
and allow us to be engulfed
in a sense of our own futility.
53
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,112
Sorry about this, it's...
54
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,534
Get off! Down!
55
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:54,876
Oh, God.
56
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,214
Go watch TV.
57
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,134
Your dog is barking.
58
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,428
My dog was barking
because you rang the doorbell.
59
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:08,265
I rang the doorbell
because your dog was barking.
60
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,600
Your lease says no pets.
61
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,894
Well, he is a guide dog.
62
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:15,397
You're not blind.
63
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,025
I prefer the term "optically challenged".
64
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:22,029
You're not optically challenged, either.
65
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,239
Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.
I mean, I don't...
66
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,826
If you don't control your bloody dog,
67
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:31,288
I am going to get it sent
to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?
68
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,373
- All right.
69
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,544
Come on, Dennis,
let's go and evacuate your bowels.
70
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,256
Come on, Dennis.
71
00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,764
Come on.
72
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,182
- Hi, Neil.
- Hi, Catherine.
73
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,643
Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you.
74
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:56,355
Really?
75
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,648
Yeah, you were presenting me
with an award for my novel.
76
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,192
Oh, did you deserve it?
77
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,611
Well, I was proud but humble.
78
00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:05,322
Have you finished it, actually, in real life?
79
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,075
Absolutely, almost, yeah.
80
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,494
Cos last spring you were on chapter...
81
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:12,871
Yeah, I've renumbered them.
In fact, I've removed them.
82
00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,039
- Oh.
- Yeah.
83
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,625
I find the whole concept of chapters
just gets in the way so...
84
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,628
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
85
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:23,632
I want reading it to be like being
sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
86
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,427
- Like going on Facebook.
- Like Facebook, yeah.
87
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,806
That's a good one.
88
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,810
"Like being sucked into a giant vortex. "
89
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:38,522
Dennis, why do you let me
say things like this, hey?
90
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:40,816
Come on.
91
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,874
- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.
- No, I can't, Neil.
92
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,167
- Yeah, but it can't lose.
- No.
93
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,961
Look, I guarantee you
a 50% return on your money
94
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,379
before the end of classes today.
95
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,093
So when do you make your move on
Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?
96
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:36,348
Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit
literal-minded, no foresight.
97
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,975
Whereas me,
I can see for miles into the future.
98
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,520
A man needs a woman, Neil.
99
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,272
- I've got Dennis.
- Dennis is male.
100
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,024
And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
101
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,238
Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life.
102
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,572
This is a tenner!
103
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:55,825
Walk!
104
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:19,724
Accessing representative images
of earthlings.
105
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,122
Communication will be carried on
in the language of the species to be judged.
106
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,834
I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
107
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,840
- Is that better, Kylie?
- Understanding you now, Sharon.
108
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:56,511
By the power invested in me by
the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
109
00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:00,599
I hereby pronounce
a destruction order on the planet Earth.
110
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:04,894
With great respect, Sharon,
we should not pronounce a destruction order
111
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:08,523
before we've given these earthlings
a chance to prove themselves.
112
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,484
They've penetrated
intergalactic space.
113
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:12,652
Maureen is right.
114
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,989
They're clearly not a superior species.
115
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,326
Look at the way they copulate.
116
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,287
If these earthlings
117
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:26,416
can convince us that they are superior beings,
then they may join our society.
118
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,418
If they cannot, we must eliminate them,
119
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:32,088
for the moral well-being of the entire
Intergalactic Community.
120
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,090
Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
121
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,300
Not at all, Miss Barker.
122
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,805
No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
123
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,724
No, I don't want to see you, either.
124
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,101
We had a great time last summer but it's over.
125
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,937
What part of over do you not understand?
126
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:49,689
Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
127
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,943
These questions of yours
make it sound as if I thought
128
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,404
this bloody author
can string two words together.
129
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,074
But he can. It's a wonderful book.
130
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:02,118
Darling, didn't you read the memo?
We're doing a demolition job.
131
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,830
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.
132
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,333
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.
133
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:13,421
I want ten new questions, please, before noon.
134
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:22,263
Don't you know? She never reads the books.
She hates books.
135
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,350
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?
136
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,976
I spy trouble. Just...
137
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,149
Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
138
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,735
but that's what people tune in to see.
139
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,822
Not books, not authors, God forbid,
140
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,909
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.
141
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,454
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.
142
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,165
Books are finished.
143
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,711
Ourjob is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,
144
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,338
with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
145
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,382
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?
146
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,508
Exactly.
147
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,470
For God's sake, smile.
148
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,079
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
149
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:30,498
What?
150
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,627
The price of pickles.
Don't even look at the marinated herring.
151
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,254
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
152
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,549
I didn't want them, anyway.
153
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,056
Thanks.
154
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:51,102
I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
155
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,316
She's gone.
156
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,449
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.
157
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,494
One earthling will be chosen randomly,
158
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:11,080
as defined by
the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
159
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:12,999
Page 56, paragraph B.
160
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,544
Page 56, paragraph D.
161
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,005
Right.
162
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:24,219
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.
163
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,304
How will they prove it?
164
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,516
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.
165
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,561
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.
166
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,439
What if he uses his power for evil?
167
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,692
The Earth will be eliminated.
168
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,319
But if he uses it for good?
169
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,239
Then we welcome them
to the Intergalactic Community.
170
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:45,573
Are we ready, gentlemen?
171
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,118
Commencing random
selection of earthlings.
172
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:54,415
Processing...
173
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,626
Earthling.
174
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,419
Jolly good!
175
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,088
Wait!
176
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,381
Selected.
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00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:08,763
The earthling has ten days to prove
he can use absolute power for good
178
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,015
rather than for evil.
179
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,277
God.
180
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,953
Fuck you!
181
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:47,302
All they want me to do is help them
sneer at people who write wonderful books.
182
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:50,722
Well, my producerjust wants me
to dig up dirt on Amenhotep llI.
183
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,183
I keep telling them he had a kind nature
184
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,393
and lovely hands.
185
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,480
I would have loved to spend
an evening with Amenhotep llI.
186
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,984
Yeah, except he's been dead
4,000 years, Rosie,
187
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,737
and he'd spend all day long
talking about embalming.
188
00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:07,822
Well, find me a good one that's still breathing.
189
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,824
Tell me about it.
190
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,367
What about Grant?
191
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:14,871
Oh, well, Colonel Grant
turned out to have issues.
192
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:17,749
- Issues?
- Yeah, like being clinically insane.
193
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,584
Shame.
194
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,169
Maybe that's overstating it.
195
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:25,298
Just obsessive, possessive
and pathologically jealous.
196
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,217
What about him upstairs?
197
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,262
Oh, he tried to cheer me up
in the supermarket.
198
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,972
Oh, so he's gay?
199
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,182
What?
200
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,144
Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.
201
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,607
- That's the way life works.
- No, he's not gay.
202
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:46,152
He's... very likeable.
203
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,011
Mr Clarke.
204
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,181
Hi.
205
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:18,101
This is the twelfth time
you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.
206
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,644
Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.
207
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:24,190
Yesterday you had food poisoning.
Friday you thought it was Saturday.
208
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,235
Monday you forgot to put your clock forward.
209
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,361
Oh, everybody does that.
210
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:32,490
Week last Wednesday it seems you had
an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
211
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,117
Yeah, I showed you the picture.
212
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,662
That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
213
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:39,664
Well, he's a great man.
214
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,001
Great enough to appear in photographs
when he's dead.
215
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:47,338
You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,
216
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,383
you are idle and you are feckless.
217
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,010
Feckless?
218
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:54,554
Yes, you are without feck.
219
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,434
If I could replace you, I would.
220
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,355
Yeah, well, so would I.
221
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,358
I just don't have anybody to replace me with.
222
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,508
You a big skier?
223
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,177
Well, I've had my moments.
224
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,346
Hello, gorgeous.
225
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:41,059
How about cocktails for two this evening?
Go halves?
226
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,311
Drop dead, Ray.
227
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,397
All right. Think about it and get back to me.
228
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:50,568
Knob.
229
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,653
- Neil?
- Yeah.
230
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,781
If you could do anything, what would you do?
231
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:59,202
Hello, Neil, love.
Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?
232
00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:01,704
I will have the roast headmaster,
please, Mrs B.
233
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,122
You are a one.
234
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,626
- There you go.
- Thank you.
235
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:10,463
I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.
236
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:16,928
You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.
As long as you don't eat it.
237
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,686
No, I mean, if you could
make anything you want happen,
238
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,188
what would it be?
239
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:30,233
I would make Dennis regurgitate
my notes from chapter three.
240
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,740
If you could make
something impossible happen.
241
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,659
Intact.
242
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,999
What if you could make someone
worship the ground you walked on?
243
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,961
What, even if she thought
you were a little shit?
244
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:51,129
Come on, Ray.
245
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,548
That would be taking an unfair advantage
of an innocent girl.
246
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,343
OK, but suppose
there was one thing you could do
247
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,137
that would change your life for the better?
248
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,973
Oh, that's easy.
I would make alien spaceships destroy 1 OC.
249
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,523
That sounded like it was in the school.
250
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:15,736
Out of the way! Out of the way!
251
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,363
Stand back, stand back.
Stand back, stand back.
252
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,656
Now, just stay calm.
253
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:25,163
Oh, my God!
254
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,585
Who was that?
255
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:35,756
It was the Salubrious Gat
of Galaxy G946 WOT.
256
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,844
Gat, what do you think you're doing?
257
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,429
Just practising, Sharon.
258
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:46,184
We haven't done the judicial review yet.
We may not want to destroy this species.
259
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,894
Who are you kidding?
260
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:53,649
445,349,722 new alien species encountered.
261
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,401
Number granted membership
262
00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:58,279
of the Intergalactic Community
of Superior Beings?
263
00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,697
Zero.
264
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,490
We have high standards.
265
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,117
You know you're going to wipe them out.
266
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,161
It all depends on the earthling.
267
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,665
And signs ofa recovery
seem as far away as ever.
268
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:17,965
Hey.
269
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,133
Hello, Dennis.
270
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,845
Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?
271
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,099
We can now go live
to our reporter Brenda Emmanus
272
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,768
at the scene of the incident.
273
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,021
It was here
at Kinbrook Comprehensive School
274
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:35,399
that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
275
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:39,528
A police spokesman said they
could not rule out a terrorist attack
276
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,322
but say there were no connections with reports
277
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,283
of a UFO sighting in the area.
278
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:45,785
The head teacher, Mr Robert...
279
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,458
Oh, sure, Dennis, it was an alien spaceship.
280
00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,836
What are you talking about?
281
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,047
If I could make
an alien spaceship destroy 1 OC,
282
00:20:58,131 --> 00:21:00,508
then I wouldn't be farting around
with this, would I?
283
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:01,926
I'd just say,
284
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,636
"Dog mess, clean yourself up. "
285
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,599
See?
286
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,467
It's just shock.
287
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:47,096
It's just post-hallucination shock. That's all it is.
288
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,854
I mean, it couldn't have been
an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
289
00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:58,149
I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have.
290
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:00,651
Oh, my God.
291
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,409
That's my notes.
292
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,079
Damn it!
293
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,173
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
294
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,470
See? You see? There's nothing. It's nothing.
295
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,972
There was nothing. It's nothing.
296
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:31,515
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
297
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:39,899
Oh, my God.
298
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,319
I have to wave my hand.
299
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:58,584
Whisky, exchange yourself
for another bottle, a single malt.
300
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:02,838
Hey, come back!
301
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,319
Door, open quick.
302
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,406
Not that quick.
303
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:32,451
I didn't mean go back to the shop
to get exchanged!
304
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,667
It's closed.
305
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:44,130
Oh, shit.
306
00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:53,264
- Gotcha!
- Help me, Dennis!
307
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:54,640
- Priority.
- Help me!
308
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:09,113
Shh, Dennis, be quiet.
309
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:11,532
Oh, shit.
310
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,374
All right, laddie. You're nicked.
311
00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:26,505
Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.
312
00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,889
Oh, yuck! Chumzy!
313
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:41,479
You say one word about this, Constable,
you'll be on community relations.
314
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:49,904
Oh, my God. 1 OC!
315
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,081
Let everyone who died be alive again.
316
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:31,111
Oh, God.
317
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:36,492
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I meant everybody in 1 OC be alive again!
318
00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:40,329
Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever.
Are you crazy?
319
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:46,961
Shit. Shit.
320
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:49,630
And everybody who died in
the bomb blast that is alive again,
321
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:50,965
be completely uninjured.
322
00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:53,050
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
323
00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:56,554
OK, me feel better.
324
00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,180
Oh, that's better.
325
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:01,141
Me have a really good idea
about what to do next.
326
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:02,393
Oh, that's a good idea.
327
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:05,062
Let the explosion never have happened.
328
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:08,148
No, I mean, if you could make
anything you wanted happen,
329
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:11,026
what would it be?
330
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:12,236
I'm sorry, what?
331
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,697
If you could do anything, what would you do?
332
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:19,243
That's very weird.
I think I just dreamt that I could.
333
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:20,369
What?
334
00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,330
Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave
my hand and say such-and-such
335
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:24,498
and it would happen.
336
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:25,916
So what did you do?
337
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:27,835
I made alien spaceships destroy 1 OC.
338
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,086
Good thinking.
339
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:33,048
I would make Dorothy Pringle
worship the ground I walked on.
340
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:36,176
You wouldn't be so cruel.
341
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,975
Hello and welcome to Book News,
342
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:45,936
the show where you get to know
what books are coming to you
343
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,855
and authors get what's coming to them.
344
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,859
What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?
345
00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:55,863
Why do writers' photographs always
show them looking ten years younger?
346
00:26:55,905 --> 00:26:58,532
You've come to the right place to find out.
347
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,452
Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley,
348
00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:05,873
whose latest novel is entitled
What You See With Your Eyes Open.
349
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:10,210
Mortimer, your last novel
was published nearly ten years ago.
350
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:14,548
It got what they call "mixed reviews"
and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
351
00:27:15,383 --> 00:27:17,718
What possessed you to write another one?
352
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,720
Well, my wife was dying.
353
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:21,639
You were estranged, weren't you?
354
00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:25,768
Well, yes, but on her deathbed,
she urged me to write another book.
355
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,394
Knowing that she would never have to read it?
356
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:28,479
Well...
357
00:27:29,272 --> 00:27:32,399
Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her
about his shoplifting conviction.
358
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:35,903
Well, he was 14, James.
It's got nothing to do with his book.
359
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,738
Well, neither has the show, Cath.
360
00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:41,075
Listen, what upsets Fenella about you
is your integrity.
361
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:43,952
But me, I quite like it.
362
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:48,582
Play your cards right,
you could get your own office
363
00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,084
with a bigger desk and a view.
364
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,593
Sorry. Excuse me one second.
365
00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:02,513
Mind you, you've gotta play your cards right.
366
00:28:03,807 --> 00:28:05,182
What the hell are you doing here?
367
00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:07,601
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Please go away.
368
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,311
That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.
369
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:13,148
This is a wonderful opportunity
for you to get to know the real me.
370
00:28:13,274 --> 00:28:14,858
Well... I'm calling security.
371
00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:17,444
No, not just the charming,
high-flying military strategist.
372
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,446
Hello, security?
373
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,323
Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either.
374
00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:23,492
Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.
375
00:28:23,618 --> 00:28:27,496
Or the mastermind behind
warrantless domestic surveillance.
376
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:31,458
Just a humble officer who adores you.
377
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:36,630
OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me...
378
00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:40,884
Like? Like? What do you think,
I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?
379
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:45,180
Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.
380
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,851
OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you.
381
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:50,728
I don't even really like you.
382
00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:53,731
So that's why I'm asking you
to just go away and leave me alone.
383
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,360
- So there's some hope?
- No, no, no. There's no hope.
384
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,655
Cath, I came all the way to England
to see you.
385
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:03,532
Doesn't that show you
how much I care about you?
386
00:29:03,658 --> 00:29:07,161
No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
Obsession's not a quality that I admire.
387
00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:08,495
Really?
388
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,331
I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
389
00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:16,211
You work for the BBC, don't you?
390
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:18,213
I do.
391
00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:24,219
You know who ultimately controls
the British Broadcasting Corporation?
392
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,349
A little guy that used to work
down the hall from me
393
00:29:29,392 --> 00:29:31,393
at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
394
00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:34,021
And he did it in his spare time.
395
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:40,778
I'll catch you later, honey.
396
00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:51,371
It was a party. I was doing a documentary.
I was drunk.
397
00:29:51,915 --> 00:29:53,248
Judging me.
398
00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,051
Oh, God.
399
00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:19,483
Let 1 OC become a model class,
kind and considerate.
400
00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:20,818
Oh, and eager to learn.
401
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,582
- Good afternoon, 1 OC.
- Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
402
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:41,338
Could you all turn to page 73,
please, and read the entire chapter?
403
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:43,465
- What, the whole chapter?
- Yes.
404
00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:45,968
- Oh, good.
- How exciting!
405
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,845
He's letting us read the whole chapter!
406
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:50,514
- Great.
- Well, you get on with it, then.
407
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:17,374
Let the headmaster
be nice to me for a change.
408
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,670
And what you did
with the guitar quite beggars belief.
409
00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,422
That is not how Kumbaya goes.
410
00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:25,883
Neil. So good to see you!
411
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:29,011
I love what you're wearing.
It really does, it's just a great ensemble.
412
00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:30,971
So similar to what you were wearing before.
413
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:34,141
But your laissez-faire attitude
to work is a great counterpoint
414
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:35,809
to my by-the-book approach.
415
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,060
Great having you on the staff, Neil.
416
00:31:37,353 --> 00:31:39,313
- Thank you.
- Right.
417
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:40,397
Yeah!
418
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:43,984
He must love you an awful lot
to fly across the Atlantic.
419
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:46,320
No, he just can't bear losing anything.
420
00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,823
As far as Grant's concerned,
I'm just a piece of lost property
421
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:52,993
he wants to retrieve
and put back on his mantelpiece.
422
00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:55,329
He was really scary. Crazy.
423
00:31:56,664 --> 00:31:59,166
I had a boyfriend like that once.
424
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,918
The sort who wouldn't take no for an answer.
425
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:02,502
Did you? What happened?
426
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:04,171
I married him.
427
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:09,009
Mr Eriksson, you know the romance
languages, French, Italian...
428
00:32:09,093 --> 00:32:10,844
Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.
429
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,846
Well, I was wondering
how they got their name?
430
00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:16,516
- It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome.
- It's from the Latin.
431
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:20,854
So it's just a coincidence
that they sound so romantic?
432
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,565
Actually, I'm thinking
of switching to economics.
433
00:32:23,858 --> 00:32:25,233
Oh.
434
00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:27,027
He is...
435
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,284
Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
436
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:38,789
Ray.
437
00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,097
I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything.
438
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:07,943
Yeah.
439
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,072
Me be President of the United States.
440
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,080
That's funny.
441
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:21,999
Me be President of the United States.
442
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,584
- Thank God we found you, sir.
- Sorry?
443
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:26,128
We've been looking for you everywhere.
444
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,421
Oh, my God!
445
00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:29,631
Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!
446
00:33:30,633 --> 00:33:32,843
Move, move, move! Move!
447
00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:40,392
I am sorry about that, Mr President.
448
00:33:40,435 --> 00:33:44,604
Now, here are the briefing papers
for Syria, the deficit,
449
00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:47,524
Israel and the Middle East,
China, global warming,
450
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:50,819
unemployment and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
451
00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:53,280
They're shooting!
452
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:55,782
Me be my old self at home!
453
00:34:02,498 --> 00:34:05,876
I can do anything.
454
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,964
OK, but what do I really want?
455
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:19,264
Give me a really big dick.
456
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:20,974
Ouch!
457
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,810
Ouch, not that big, obviously!
458
00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:26,396
Just... Dick, return to the old size.
459
00:34:28,524 --> 00:34:30,150
Oh!
460
00:34:32,361 --> 00:34:37,365
OK...
Let me have a penis that women find exciting.
461
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:42,245
Yeah, it's good, yeah. Can I have it in white?
462
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:44,706
Right, OK...
463
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,667
Let me have a really great body.
464
00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:50,378
Wow.
465
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,215
No.
466
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:56,718
No, look, no, look,
give me the body of a great man.
467
00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:01,181
What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein.
468
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,351
Let me have the great body of a man.
469
00:35:12,193 --> 00:35:15,195
Me be able to see
Catherine from downstairs, now.
470
00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:30,460
Shit.
471
00:35:33,047 --> 00:35:34,548
Let me not be able to see her.
472
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,800
No, I don't mean me go blind.
473
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,761
Let me be able to see but floor be as it was.
474
00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:48,979
Catherine from downstairs,
forget what just happened.
475
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,655
Move out of the way.
476
00:35:58,739 --> 00:36:00,615
Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.
477
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,504
- Ray?
478
00:36:14,922 --> 00:36:18,925
You know earlier on we were talking
about being able to do anything?
479
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:20,969
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, well...
480
00:36:21,804 --> 00:36:27,309
This is going to sound kind of stupid
but suddenly I can.
481
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:30,312
- Can what?
- Do anything.
482
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:31,646
Just make things happen.
483
00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:35,358
Things that shouldn't happen,
I just wave my hand and they do.
484
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:38,153
You feeling OK?
485
00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,822
Yeah, just look.
486
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,119
You, tell us who you were.
487
00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:49,539
You'll never believe this but I was a conjuror!
488
00:36:50,124 --> 00:36:52,459
I went by the name of The Great Alfredo.
489
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:55,295
Real name was Reg Hoskins.
490
00:36:55,796 --> 00:36:59,549
I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot.
491
00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,343
What is this?
3D projection or something, right?
492
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,970
Course, it's all gone now.
493
00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:05,347
- I blame the wogs.
- Hey!
494
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,474
All that black minstrel stuff.
495
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,184
Once they started allowing that...
496
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,560
That's not me, that's what I'm saying. It's...
497
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:13,480
Jews took over the business.
It was never the same again.
498
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:15,148
Just go and jump out the window.
499
00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:17,525
Right-o. Watch this.
500
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:31,206
What...
501
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,251
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
502
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:37,254
I could swear it was the skeleton talking.
503
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,881
- Yeah, it was.
- OK.
504
00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:41,549
Let me see you do another one.
505
00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:43,510
Well, what? I can't think of anything.
506
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:47,514
Oh, come on.
You know, how about some flowers?
507
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,350
Bunch of flowers in my hand.
508
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:54,062
It's pathetic.
How about room be covered in flowers?
509
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:56,898
Come on, Ray.
510
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:00,193
Ray. Think of something more imaginative.
511
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:05,657
Bloody hell, Palmer.
Did you just throw this out the window?
512
00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:08,326
Neil. Did you throw this out the window?
513
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:09,619
That's very funny.
514
00:38:09,704 --> 00:38:11,788
What are you doing here?
Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you.
515
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,624
Oh, my God.
516
00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:20,088
This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.
517
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,881
Told you.
518
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:24,426
You know what? We could own a racehorse.
519
00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:28,722
Ray, we could own
every racehorse in the world.
520
00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:29,931
No shit.
521
00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:41,526
- We win every time?
- They're all ours.
522
00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:44,863
Let's forget about the horses.
523
00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:46,906
We could have anything, Neil.
524
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:49,576
Wealth, fame. Women.
525
00:38:50,911 --> 00:38:53,872
We could make any woman fall in love with us.
526
00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:56,499
Neil, any woman we want.
527
00:38:57,918 --> 00:39:00,837
Goodnight, Catherine. See you later.
528
00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:06,134
Jump in, babe.
529
00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:08,595
Kerb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant.
530
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:11,598
That doesn't really apply to people
with my security clearance.
531
00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:13,183
Besides, how else are you going to get home?
532
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:14,934
On the Tube. Go away.
533
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:18,605
The London Underground is worse than
anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
534
00:39:18,647 --> 00:39:21,274
- You don't deserve that.
- No, I don't deserve this, either.
535
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,985
- Please, leave me alone.
- OK, OK, I get it.
536
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,528
But you gotta let me down gently?
537
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,322
What does that mean?
538
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:29,949
Well, there's somebody else, right?
539
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,452
No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
540
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:33,703
It's...
541
00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,331
You and I are not compatible.
542
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:41,127
So, we could grab some coffee, sit and talk.
543
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:43,505
What would that even achieve?
There's nothing to talk about.
544
00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,217
Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us.
545
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:48,843
It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.
546
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,806
Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
547
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,308
- Here's the key.
- I don't want it.
548
00:39:55,976 --> 00:39:57,143
And when I get you up there,
549
00:39:57,228 --> 00:40:00,146
you're going to think you died
and went to heaven.
550
00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:40,270
- Fuck Grant.
- Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.
551
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,688
Fuck Grant.
552
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:48,987
Fuck James Cleverill.
553
00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:56,578
Fuck all TV producers.
554
00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:58,913
Especially ones that say
you can sleep with them.
555
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:00,957
But if I play my cards right.
556
00:41:11,051 --> 00:41:14,220
Why do I always end up
with the control freaks?
557
00:41:14,388 --> 00:41:15,847
- Or gays.
- Yeah.
558
00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:18,600
- Who?
- Him upstairs.
559
00:41:19,351 --> 00:41:20,852
Oh, honey, he's not gay.
560
00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:24,355
He's attractive. He's kind.
561
00:41:25,065 --> 00:41:26,441
Well, then, fuck him.
562
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:29,569
- No, he's nice.
- No, I don't mean fuck him.
563
00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:33,239
I mean fuck him.
564
00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:40,288
- You mean fuck him?
- Yeah.
565
00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:42,916
- What, right now?
- No, not now.
566
00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:45,335
You've got to let me do your make-up first.
567
00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:52,675
Malfunction.
Galactic power failure.
568
00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:56,095
Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.
569
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:58,431
- What?
- This is on the blink, Sharon.
570
00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:02,268
The earthling won't have galactic power
until I get it working again.
571
00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,686
Botheration!
572
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:07,690
I thought our galactic powers
meant we could do anything?
573
00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:15,740
Catherine from downstairs,
be madly in love with me.
574
00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:18,201
That was quick.
575
00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:24,082
- Hi.
- Hi.
576
00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:26,543
- You're not gay, are you?
- No, no.
577
00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,471
- Let's go to bed.
- OK.
578
00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:44,852
Oh, shit!
579
00:42:46,939 --> 00:42:48,314
My leg!
580
00:42:53,070 --> 00:42:54,320
Got it.
581
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:58,575
Galactic power
now returning to earthling.
582
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,401
Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
583
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:38,740
I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles
right this moment.
584
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:41,492
It's the middle of the night, for crying out loud.
585
00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:43,870
Weather, be like it usually is
586
00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:46,205
in Los Angeles during the day.
587
00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,375
So pedantic.
588
00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:54,213
All right.
589
00:43:57,551 --> 00:43:59,427
Clothes, get dressed on me.
590
00:44:04,391 --> 00:44:05,767
And smarten yourselves up.
591
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:07,644
Better.
592
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:33,419
Miss Pringle, this really...
593
00:44:34,588 --> 00:44:35,838
has to stop.
594
00:44:36,256 --> 00:44:39,342
- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, Lord.
595
00:44:44,848 --> 00:44:46,933
Yeah.
596
00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,269
OK.
597
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,022
That was a very interesting...
598
00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:54,774
Could you just stop that, please?
599
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:58,277
You, stop tapping.
Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...
600
00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:01,364
Right, what's next?
601
00:45:03,492 --> 00:45:06,035
This one's in German. Wow.
602
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:10,498
Let me be able to understand German.
603
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:17,213
What are you talking about, Dennis?
604
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:20,133
Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this.
605
00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:23,219
She's not going to ask me to marry her.
606
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:26,723
Or have my children, OK?
607
00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:29,851
Dennis, what are you talking about?
608
00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:35,148
That's a good idea, actually.
What are you talking about?
609
00:45:35,399 --> 00:45:36,566
Dennis, be able to talk.
610
00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:37,900
Biscuits.
611
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:41,904
- What?
- Biscuits.
612
00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:44,532
Maybe if I make her fall in love with me
like a little bit, you know,
613
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:46,033
so she doesn't want to marry me
614
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,410
- but she would have sex on a regular...
- Biscuits.
615
00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:50,496
- For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard.
- What are?
616
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:53,666
Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.
617
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,752
- Nothing else matters.
- Is that all you think about?
618
00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:57,587
Yes, yes! Biscuits.
619
00:45:59,673 --> 00:46:03,259
All right, Dennis,
become a rational, thinking creature.
620
00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:06,846
Look, I just can't concentrate on anything
until I've had one of those biscuits.
621
00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:09,932
I know it's crazy but that's how it is.
I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.
622
00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,851
So please give me just one biscuit,
623
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:14,520
then I'll be able to think about something else.
624
00:46:15,230 --> 00:46:16,355
That makes sense.
625
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,858
Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits!
He's getting them! This is it!
626
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:19,942
Yeah!
627
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,197
He's got them.
628
00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:27,575
He's got them. He's going to throw one.
Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.
629
00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:36,083
God, it must be terrible being a dog.
I never realised you had so many cravings.
630
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:38,711
- It's no worse than you and that bitch.
- What bitch?
631
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:40,922
The bitch you were shagging last night.
632
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:45,301
Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, OK?
She's a lovely human female.
633
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:46,552
And we weren't just shagging.
634
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,222
Right. Come to think of it,
I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.
635
00:46:49,264 --> 00:46:51,432
A little leg dance?
Just above the sock.
636
00:46:51,558 --> 00:46:53,267
- How about it? Come on, Daddy.
637
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:56,229
I thought I turned you into
a rational, thinking creature.
638
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:58,815
Rational, thinking creatures still have desires.
639
00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:00,900
Oh, well,
we can soon deal with that.
640
00:47:00,984 --> 00:47:02,235
No!
641
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,655
- No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
- Why not?
642
00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:09,158
They're what makes my life worth living.
Biscuits, shagging.
643
00:47:09,284 --> 00:47:11,577
I don't think I like your conversation.
644
00:47:11,662 --> 00:47:14,497
But I worship you, master. I love you so much.
645
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:16,165
- I can't bear displeasing you.
- I... I know.
646
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:17,792
- My whole world collapses...
- I know. Yes. I love you.
647
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:18,918
...when you're cross with me.
648
00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:20,169
Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk.
649
00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:23,464
Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech
now that I can think rationally.
650
00:47:23,590 --> 00:47:24,966
That would be so cruel.
651
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:27,802
- I heard the bell. Somebody at the door.
- OK, no...
652
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:29,762
- The bell! Hey! The bell!
- No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.
653
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:30,930
- Hello, the bell!
- Dennis... Dennis.
654
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,098
- Hey, hey, somebody.
- Just... Just quiet.
655
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:34,350
There it goes again.
Hey, hey, somebody at the door.
656
00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:36,143
Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?
657
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,229
No, just... Just be quiet.
Do you understand me?
658
00:47:39,398 --> 00:47:42,149
Yes. Yes, anything to stop you
being angry with me.
659
00:47:42,234 --> 00:47:43,818
The bell! There it goes again!
660
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:45,069
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
661
00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:47,238
Dennis, listen. Just listen, listen, listen, listen.
662
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:49,156
Be quiet. That is an order.
663
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:51,450
Right. Quiet.
664
00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:54,287
I like obeying orders, especially your orders.
665
00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:57,164
Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up.
666
00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,750
Right, right. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right.
667
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:04,297
Good boy.
668
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:14,807
Oh, God, I made her do it.
I made her do it... I... OK.
669
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,102
- Hi.
- Hey.
670
00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,980
- Can I come in?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
671
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:27,111
- So, look, about last night...
- Yes.
672
00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:29,447
- Is this a bad time?
- No, no. No, no.
673
00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,449
OK. I just... I don't want you to think
674
00:48:31,491 --> 00:48:34,785
that I, do that sort of thing all the time
675
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:37,413
because... Because I don't.
676
00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:40,333
- I was slightly drunk.
- Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.
677
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,335
Otherwise we probably wouldn't have
done the thing with the...
678
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:44,003
- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.
- ... beard trimmer.
679
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:48,049
I mean, I like you.
I, I've always really enjoyed talking to you.
680
00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:51,552
I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped
on you like that if I hadn't...
681
00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:56,057
- Been pissed as a newt?
- Well, sort of.
682
00:48:56,183 --> 00:48:58,976
Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it.
It never... It never happened.
683
00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:00,811
No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil.
684
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:03,522
Oh, well, what did you want, then?
685
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:05,691
Shag her, Neil!
686
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:07,652
That's Dennis.
687
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,198
- Dennis?
- Yeah. He is a plumber.
688
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:15,034
I'm having a few problems
with my waterworks. My water pipes.
689
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:16,369
Shag her, Neil!
690
00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:20,498
I'd better get him the shagger.
It's a special wrench that plumbers use.
691
00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:25,378
I thought I told you to shut up.
692
00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:27,588
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, sorry.
693
00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:29,340
You're supposed to be
a rational, thinking creature.
694
00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:32,259
Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry.
Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg.
695
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,428
Shh. It's not a great time, to be honest.
696
00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,055
Maybe later, if you behave.
697
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,181
Oh...
698
00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:41,686
Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger,
so he just went with the old decoupler.
699
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:43,354
I love you, Neil!
700
00:49:43,397 --> 00:49:45,523
Shut up, Dennis!
701
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:48,025
It's odd, isn't it,
shouting at the plumber like that?
702
00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:51,529
But, the fact is he's my brother.
The plumber is my brother.
703
00:49:51,571 --> 00:49:53,948
Say you love me, Neil.
704
00:49:54,074 --> 00:49:55,241
And we're very close.
705
00:49:55,283 --> 00:49:57,410
- God, Rosie was right.
- Rosie?
706
00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,954
Please can I shag your leg?
707
00:50:00,455 --> 00:50:03,207
Jesus, Neil, how could you? The next morning!
708
00:50:03,458 --> 00:50:04,709
What? I...
709
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:08,421
- Why do I always end up with creeps?
- I'm not a creep!
710
00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,465
There was a cat, Neil!
Neil! Hey, you, cat!
711
00:50:11,591 --> 00:50:14,385
Stay out of my garden, go on!
Neil, it's a ginger tom!
712
00:50:16,096 --> 00:50:18,264
Dennis, be a dumb animal again
for five minutes.
713
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,394
So she thinks I'm gay.
714
00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:25,896
I mean, so what, you know?
715
00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,108
I mean, it means that she won't want to
marry me or have my kids.
716
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:32,278
Bingo. Problem solved.
717
00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:34,655
Thank you, Dennis.
718
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:47,585
Catherine!
719
00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:52,173
Me be on the bus.
720
00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:57,928
I don't mean on the bus. I mean in the bus.
721
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:03,642
Not in the engine.
In the passenger accommodation!
722
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:11,650
Hey!
723
00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:27,333
Catherine!
724
00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:28,834
Whoa.
725
00:51:28,877 --> 00:51:30,961
- Ray.
- You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.
726
00:51:31,004 --> 00:51:33,714
She's... She's set up shrines
all over the school.
727
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,174
There's even a website.
728
00:51:35,300 --> 00:51:36,801
Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?
729
00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,844
- Not like this.
- Ray, I don't have time for this.
730
00:51:39,054 --> 00:51:40,846
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't lost the powers, have you?
731
00:51:40,972 --> 00:51:43,182
- No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray.
- You have. You've lost the...
732
00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:44,350
- I haven't lost the powers.
- Do the thing.
733
00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:45,893
Ray, become a duck.
734
00:51:48,897 --> 00:51:53,901
Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it.
Ray, become a sausage.
735
00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:58,197
- I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is...
- Where is he, Neil?
736
00:51:58,698 --> 00:52:01,033
Oh. That's his car.
737
00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:04,829
Oh. Behold the car of Ray!
738
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:11,168
- Catherine, can we talk?
- No.
739
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:12,586
But I love you.
740
00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:14,505
You also love Dennis, apparently.
741
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,924
- Did you take that off there?
- No, this is mine.
742
00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:18,384
- Yours?
- Yeah.
743
00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:20,177
Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
744
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:23,889
I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
You love him, he loves you.
745
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,058
I'm happy for both of you.
Just don't bring me into it.
746
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:28,394
Yeah, no, but there's something I need
to tell you about Dennis.
747
00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:30,521
You are going to have to pay for that
now that you've touched it.
748
00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:32,148
- It's mine!
- No, it isn't.
749
00:52:32,232 --> 00:52:33,691
Look, I heard what you
said to each other, Neil.
750
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:35,985
Yeah, look. There's something crucial
about Dennis you don't know.
751
00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:37,069
- Hey!
- He's not a man.
752
00:52:37,195 --> 00:52:38,362
I don't want to hear this, Neil.
753
00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,864
I know, but I'm just saying, he's not a man.
754
00:52:39,906 --> 00:52:41,740
Hell's tits!
755
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,242
- You pervert!
756
00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:44,743
You come in here and steal our stuff?
757
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:45,870
I told you, that's not your sausage.
758
00:52:45,912 --> 00:52:48,164
- It is my sausage. Give it back.
- Get off. Be careful, be careful.
759
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:49,748
- Just let go!
- Oh, God!
760
00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,418
- Give me 80p.
- Fine.
761
00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,046
- I'll just get your change.
- No, it's... Never mind. It's...
762
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:57,381
Well, no, cos it's �4.20.
763
00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,425
- Keep it.
- It's too much for a tip.
764
00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:02,428
- Have it your way.
- I should think so, too. Jesus.
765
00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:07,266
Feck. Sausage, become Ray.
766
00:53:07,934 --> 00:53:12,396
Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea
how vulnerable a sausage feels?
767
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:13,898
There he is!
768
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:16,901
I'm off!
769
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,778
- Leave me alone, you nutters!
- Ray! Ray!
770
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:22,406
Here you go. You must have been hungry.
771
00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:28,787
It's clear he has no idea of doing
any good whatsoever.
772
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,958
Why can't we just get on with the destruction?
773
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:35,127
Because there are rules, Maureen.
774
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,046
We must follow galactic procedure.
775
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:41,800
Rules didn't stop you
from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
776
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,094
They were delicious.
Very crunchy, as I recall...
777
00:53:49,935 --> 00:53:51,644
- Surprise, surprise!
- Oh, my God!
778
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,812
- No!
- Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!
779
00:53:55,398 --> 00:53:56,398
You're crazy, do you know that?
780
00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:59,068
Crazy in love, darlin'.
781
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:01,111
Get out of my flat, Grant.
782
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,655
Well, I can't because
you've locked the door now, babe.
783
00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,615
Well, then, get out the way you got in.
784
00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:07,826
Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice!
785
00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:11,163
Just get out, Grant.
I never want to see you again!
786
00:54:11,289 --> 00:54:12,957
Get out of my life!
787
00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:14,625
Get out!
788
00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:17,253
Come on, now, open the door.
789
00:54:17,337 --> 00:54:19,797
Sorry. Sorry about the noise.
790
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:22,341
At least it wasn't barking.
791
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,301
Feck off. Not you.
792
00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:25,886
- Walk out the front door, OK?
- Honey!
793
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:27,888
Then sneak in the back.
Make your way up to my place. No moves.
794
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,432
- No, no, no funny business.
- Come on. Let the love shine through.
795
00:54:30,517 --> 00:54:31,850
You can just stay out of his way
796
00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:33,852
- and I will make you dinner.
- Love me!
797
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:36,188
- I hate doors!
- All right.
798
00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:37,815
But invite Dennis. We'll behave like grown-ups.
799
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:39,525
- Catherine?
- OK.
800
00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,360
- Catherine, come back.
- I'm leaving!
801
00:54:41,486 --> 00:54:45,656
OK. I'm coming!
Hold on. Wait for me, now.
802
00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:49,827
She's coming to dinner!
803
00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:52,288
This episode looks at doggy fantasies.
804
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:54,707
Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start.
805
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:56,875
She's coming to dinner.
806
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,336
- Who?
- Catherine.
807
00:54:59,379 --> 00:55:01,046
Oh, the bitch.
808
00:55:01,172 --> 00:55:04,883
Don't call her that, all right?
I don't want you chipping in, either, OK?
809
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:06,844
Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
810
00:55:07,220 --> 00:55:08,554
Me? A dumb animal?
811
00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:10,639
Yeah, well, you know how to pretend,
don't you?
812
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,182
It's just... It's called acting.
813
00:55:12,225 --> 00:55:14,059
Oh, you mean like when I'm having
my tummy tickled?
814
00:55:14,644 --> 00:55:17,730
- You love having your tummy tickled.
- No, I don't.
815
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:21,066
- What?
- It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.
816
00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:25,029
- Why?
- Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
817
00:55:25,238 --> 00:55:26,989
Because they love
having their tummies tickled.
818
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:31,368
Dogs pretend to like it because
they know human beings like doing it.
819
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:37,082
Well, just pretend to be
a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?
820
00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:39,543
Can't I join in the conversation just a little bit?
821
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,921
- No.
- That is so cruel.
822
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:48,260
Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell!
It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell!
823
00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:50,763
- I know it's the bell, Dennis.
- Right. No, no, sorry.
824
00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:54,391
Just one more peep out of you, OK,
and the flea collar is going back on again.
825
00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:58,020
Right, right, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
826
00:55:58,104 --> 00:55:59,355
Bark.
827
00:56:00,398 --> 00:56:01,607
Woof.
828
00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:03,442
Do it properly.
829
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,945
Yeah, good. OK, thank you.
830
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:08,530
Got it.
831
00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:11,116
- Hi.
- Has he gone?
832
00:56:11,201 --> 00:56:12,576
No, I don't think so.
833
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,870
- Dennis, down.
834
00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:18,290
You named him after the plumber,
then, did you?
835
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:24,254
Do you want your tummy tickled?
836
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,257
Why do dogs like that so much?
837
00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:30,052
I don't know.
838
00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:37,643
So the producer promises to take me
out of the general office
839
00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:40,145
and give me a big desk with a view,
but he won't.
840
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,649
He's just trying to get me into bed.
841
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:47,820
What did you want to tell me?
842
00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:50,322
Just try this first.
843
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:07,506
Oh, that's incredible.
844
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:13,262
That's the most wonderful thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
845
00:57:16,015 --> 00:57:21,145
I had no idea you were
such a fantastic cook.
846
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:24,857
I've... I've... It's unlike anything
I've ever tasted. What is it?
847
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:29,361
I just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing
thing Catherine has ever tasted,
848
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:31,363
"unlike anything she's tasted before. "
849
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:34,825
- And it is.
- Really?
850
00:57:34,868 --> 00:57:41,832
Really. I can make things happen. Anything.
851
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,002
That's what I was trying to tell you
this morning, you know?
852
00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,337
I wasn't talking to a live-in
homosexual plumber.
853
00:57:47,380 --> 00:57:49,047
I was talking to Dennis.
854
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:51,842
- The dog?
- Dennis the dog.
855
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:57,389
- Who answered you back?
- Yeah, because I made him talk.
856
00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:01,560
- Oh.
- With my powers.
857
00:58:03,062 --> 00:58:04,605
Special powers?
858
00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:08,358
I mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk?
You got it.
859
00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:10,235
You want a great view? You got it.
860
00:58:11,237 --> 00:58:15,908
Neil, how long have you had
these special powers?
861
00:58:16,576 --> 00:58:18,368
Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
862
00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:21,747
- Very suddenly?
- Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.
863
00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,749
Just ask me to do something, anything.
864
00:58:23,791 --> 00:58:27,085
- Just, you know...
- Listen, Neil, it's... It's OK.
865
00:58:27,795 --> 00:58:29,213
You can get help with this.
866
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:30,756
Son of a bitch!
867
00:58:30,965 --> 00:58:32,132
Oh!
868
00:58:32,383 --> 00:58:33,800
Shit, Grant!
869
00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:35,093
I'm out of here!
870
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:37,596
- There's nobody else?
- Who is this guy?
871
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:39,932
She didn't tell you? I'm her fianc�.
872
00:58:39,974 --> 00:58:41,642
- You're not my fianc�, Grant.
- Oh, yeah?
873
00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:44,061
And you weren't just making out
with this apology of a man?
874
00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:45,395
Stop this.
875
00:58:45,563 --> 00:58:47,397
You know how long you'd last
on a battlefield, soldier?
876
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:48,607
I'm sorry, Neil.
877
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:50,734
- That long.
- I'm warning you.
878
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:53,612
- You're warning me?
- Yeah, I'm warning you.
879
00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:55,239
Who is this guy?
880
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:57,241
- Why don't you suck on this, asshole?
- Grant!
881
00:58:57,575 --> 00:59:00,452
All I have to do is go like this and...
And say what?
882
00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:03,789
- Where did you find this fruitcake?
- Put that away, Grant.
883
00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:06,083
What can I say? Grant, become a fairy?
884
00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:08,627
It's Grant, not... Grant.
885
00:59:08,753 --> 00:59:10,712
- Stop it.
- And you're the goddamn fairy.
886
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,756
How about Grant go back
to where you came from?
887
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,217
- It's Grant.
- How about kiss my arse, Grant?
888
00:59:15,301 --> 00:59:16,969
Neil, don't. He's crazy.
889
00:59:17,053 --> 00:59:20,639
How about you say, "Please, Grant,
don't put a bullet through my brain?"
890
00:59:20,723 --> 00:59:24,601
- Grant, stop it!
- I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me. "
891
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:28,438
- Go on, shoot me.
- Oh, my God. You're both crazy.
892
00:59:28,481 --> 00:59:30,566
- He doesn't dare.
- Neil, please, please.
893
00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:33,235
Go on, pull the trigger.
What's the matter, "Grant"?
894
00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:34,653
- Shut up.
- Go on, shoot me.
895
00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:36,280
- Neil, he will.
- No, he won't.
896
00:59:36,322 --> 00:59:39,283
- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.
897
00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:41,326
You little shit!
898
00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:44,955
You're idiots, both of you.
899
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,081
I wouldn't do this if I were you.
900
00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:47,165
"I wouldn't do this if I were you. "
901
00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:48,417
God, I hate the English.
902
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:56,008
Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me.
903
00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:57,759
Shut up. It's Grant!
904
00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:59,678
Oh!
905
01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:01,597
Help! Help! Help!
906
01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:02,848
Who the heck was that?
907
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:05,017
That's Dennis.
908
01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:14,693
It's just a dog! English dick.
909
01:00:15,528 --> 01:00:19,114
- Shit! Shit! What happened?
- Yeah, yeah.
910
01:00:19,198 --> 01:00:21,700
- Do you want me to make it better?
- It hurts.
911
01:00:21,784 --> 01:00:23,493
Grant's arm be better.
912
01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:29,207
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?
913
01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,002
Grant be stuck on the ceiling.
914
01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,545
Oh, shit!
915
01:00:33,671 --> 01:00:34,796
Grant be plastered to the wall.
916
01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:38,175
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.
917
01:00:38,217 --> 01:00:40,510
Grant be buried head first in the plant pot.
918
01:00:40,553 --> 01:00:42,054
What do you mean, potted plant?
919
01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:46,892
Grant be standing in front of me.
920
01:00:51,397 --> 01:00:54,399
Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?
921
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:55,692
Maybe I can help you.
922
01:00:55,902 --> 01:01:00,405
- You?
- I could make your life absolutely hell
923
01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:03,241
or I could say,
"Grant be holding a million dollars. "
924
01:01:06,913 --> 01:01:10,040
Oh, yeah!
925
01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:12,668
Or I could say, "A million dollars, disappear. "
926
01:01:13,503 --> 01:01:14,586
Fuck! Come on!
927
01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:19,424
I can do anything.
All I have to do is wave my hand.
928
01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:22,678
- You gotta wave your hand?
- That's right.
929
01:01:23,221 --> 01:01:25,931
Isn't he great? I love you. I love you so much.
930
01:01:26,015 --> 01:01:28,350
- Dennis, keep out of this.
- But you are great, Neil.
931
01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:30,727
- You can do anything.
- Dennis, shut up. I'm not...
932
01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:32,896
Master! Neil!
933
01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:44,366
- Hi. Made your mind up yet?
- How about tonight?
934
01:01:44,784 --> 01:01:46,451
Good girl. 8:00, my place.
935
01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:48,954
Yeah. I always pick the wrong guy, anyway.
936
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:52,457
I got you a new desk.
937
01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:29,578
Hey!
938
01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:35,125
Well, it's about time. Now, listen up.
When I take that gag out of your mouth,
939
01:02:35,168 --> 01:02:38,336
you're going to say exactly what's on that
piece of paper, you understand?
940
01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:44,134
The moment you say a word that is not on
that piece of paper, I kill the dog.
941
01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,636
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
942
01:02:46,763 --> 01:02:48,513
Understand? Nod if you understand.
943
01:02:50,933 --> 01:02:57,481
OK. OK. I'm going to take the gag out now.
Remember, one wrong word
944
01:02:58,941 --> 01:03:00,692
and the dog gets it.
945
01:03:02,862 --> 01:03:09,367
OK, read. Item number one, let's go. Come on.
946
01:03:09,535 --> 01:03:12,120
"Item number one.
All pasty white Englishmen...
947
01:03:12,205 --> 01:03:15,040
"Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears
and webbed feet?"
948
01:03:18,711 --> 01:03:21,046
- Now wave your hand.
- What?
949
01:03:21,130 --> 01:03:22,714
Wave your hand!
950
01:03:22,882 --> 01:03:24,633
Oh!
951
01:03:27,386 --> 01:03:29,679
Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.
952
01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:42,150
Neil! Neil!
953
01:03:50,243 --> 01:04:02,879
Neil?
954
01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:11,096
Oh!
955
01:04:12,265 --> 01:04:13,431
You don't worship me, do you?
956
01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:17,227
What? Ray. You're Ray.
957
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:20,772
- I can't find Neil.
- Isn't he here?
958
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:22,357
He wasn't at school, either.
959
01:04:22,441 --> 01:04:25,068
Oh, I left him with my crazy,
gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
960
01:04:26,279 --> 01:04:28,363
- Neil's got these powers.
- No, I know, I know.
961
01:04:28,447 --> 01:04:29,531
Oh.
962
01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:33,451
He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me
and now she's turned me into a religion.
963
01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:35,954
- They think I'm immortal.
- So what?
964
01:04:36,706 --> 01:04:39,708
They want me to prove it
by rising from the dead.
965
01:04:41,377 --> 01:04:42,752
We've got to find Neil.
966
01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:45,589
Wait.
967
01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:49,634
Hey! Hey!
968
01:04:50,136 --> 01:04:51,636
What are you doing?
969
01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:55,932
No...
970
01:04:57,059 --> 01:04:58,101
Got it.
971
01:04:58,811 --> 01:05:00,312
- Where's your car?
- Why?
972
01:05:00,396 --> 01:05:01,605
I know where they are.
973
01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:06,985
It's just out here. We can... Shit!
974
01:05:07,653 --> 01:05:08,820
Lord.
975
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:10,447
Oh, no. Run for it!
976
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:14,659
Get him! Lord!
977
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:17,787
Yeah!
978
01:05:17,955 --> 01:05:21,082
This is working beautifully.
OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go.
979
01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:27,505
OK. "Three. All British police
to have pink uniforms. "
980
01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:29,591
My personal favourite.
981
01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:33,762
Ray!
982
01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:36,473
Lord! Come to us!
983
01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:40,518
Ray! Ray!
984
01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:46,983
What's this all about?
985
01:05:47,818 --> 01:05:51,029
Oi!
986
01:05:51,656 --> 01:05:52,864
Take that off!
987
01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:02,707
There he is!
988
01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:38,576
Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful.
989
01:06:38,661 --> 01:06:40,412
I can't believe it. All right, next one.
990
01:06:40,454 --> 01:06:42,122
Come on, read.
991
01:06:42,206 --> 01:06:45,208
"Let all traffic lights be
permanently set on green. "
992
01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:46,751
Come on. That's just...
993
01:06:46,877 --> 01:06:49,337
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
994
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:51,548
Do it, do it.
995
01:06:55,428 --> 01:06:56,928
Wait. Now, listen.
996
01:07:07,565 --> 01:07:09,024
All right.
997
01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,238
Grant, are you in there?
998
01:07:15,948 --> 01:07:19,159
Skip to the end. Hurry up. Just skip to the end!
999
01:07:20,036 --> 01:07:24,039
Skip to the end. Just...
There. Come on, quick. Read it.
1000
01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:28,001
OK, OK,
"Item 417, Catherine West... "
1001
01:07:28,335 --> 01:07:29,377
- Come on.
- All right.
1002
01:07:30,337 --> 01:07:32,005
Let them go, Grant.
1003
01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:35,508
Why should I? Go on, Neil. Read the last item.
1004
01:07:36,260 --> 01:07:41,723
"Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply
in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev
1005
01:07:42,266 --> 01:07:44,726
"and leap on him like a tigress
begging for sex. "
1006
01:07:47,104 --> 01:07:50,023
- You bastard.
- Now, come on, now.
1007
01:07:50,107 --> 01:07:51,441
Wave your hand. Come on.
1008
01:07:51,525 --> 01:07:53,651
- Neil, don't!
- Or the dog gets it!
1009
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:54,986
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
1010
01:07:55,071 --> 01:07:56,446
Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
1011
01:07:56,572 --> 01:07:59,199
But I don't want to love him, Neil.
I don't want to go anywhere near him.
1012
01:07:59,283 --> 01:08:00,825
I don't wanna die.
1013
01:08:02,661 --> 01:08:04,245
Yeah.
1014
01:08:04,789 --> 01:08:09,709
Grant, I love you.
Please, please, let's have sex now.
1015
01:08:09,794 --> 01:08:11,169
Oh, yeah.
1016
01:08:14,298 --> 01:08:15,381
Dennis, be free.
1017
01:08:15,466 --> 01:08:17,092
I'm free! I'm free!
1018
01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:18,259
Please.
1019
01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:21,596
- Grant become a corgi!
- What?
1020
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,972
Oh, shit.
1021
01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:24,224
Do it. Do it, Grant.
1022
01:08:25,309 --> 01:08:27,018
Do it, do it!
1023
01:08:27,561 --> 01:08:28,895
Me be free.
1024
01:08:29,688 --> 01:08:32,148
Yes, yes! Master.
1025
01:08:32,233 --> 01:08:34,150
- Yeah.
- You chose to save me rather than that bitch.
1026
01:08:34,235 --> 01:08:37,695
Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be
her normal self and not in love with Grant.
1027
01:08:39,115 --> 01:08:40,156
Ugh!
1028
01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:43,743
And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
1029
01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:49,874
- Ray!
- Oh, shit.
1030
01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:51,668
Oh, no. Get off me!
1031
01:08:51,752 --> 01:08:52,794
Neil, stop them!
1032
01:08:52,878 --> 01:08:55,380
Lord, show us how to conquer death!
1033
01:08:55,464 --> 01:08:58,007
Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray
the way that you used to.
1034
01:09:01,262 --> 01:09:04,639
- What the hell, Ray?
- It was nothing to do with me.
1035
01:09:05,182 --> 01:09:07,392
Get lost, you creep!
1036
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,228
- Thank you.
- Everyone else, forget about Ray.
1037
01:09:12,857 --> 01:09:15,483
Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.
1038
01:09:18,779 --> 01:09:20,321
Ray, could you take me home, please?
1039
01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:21,823
Sure.
1040
01:09:23,659 --> 01:09:25,869
I'm... I'm sorry...
1041
01:09:29,707 --> 01:09:31,499
Any thoughts?
1042
01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:36,421
- Pathetic!
- He has no concept of good or evil.
1043
01:09:36,922 --> 01:09:39,174
Well, the dogs seem all right.
1044
01:09:39,675 --> 01:09:43,970
Yes, yes, the dogs are all right.
It's the people I can't stand.
1045
01:10:06,994 --> 01:10:09,370
Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.
1046
01:10:09,455 --> 01:10:12,498
Hey, sorry about the other night.
It was... Can I cook you supper?
1047
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:15,001
- No, thanks, Neil.
- I'm doing a whole suckling pig.
1048
01:10:15,085 --> 01:10:17,045
- No.
- Hey, what's the matter?
1049
01:10:17,504 --> 01:10:19,422
Is it because I made you
throw yourself at Grant?
1050
01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:23,760
No. Look, you did what you had to do.
It worked. Forgotten.
1051
01:10:24,094 --> 01:10:25,929
Well, what is it, then?
1052
01:10:26,513 --> 01:10:28,765
Do you know what it feels like
to be in someone else's power?
1053
01:10:28,891 --> 01:10:30,350
To have no will of your own?
1054
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:34,520
Look, I thought that I made you love me.
1055
01:10:34,980 --> 01:10:37,440
- What?
- You know, with my powers.
1056
01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:40,735
Oh, my God.
1057
01:10:42,154 --> 01:10:45,365
Did I really come home early tonight
because I wanted to or did you make me?
1058
01:10:45,783 --> 01:10:48,284
Have I always lived opposite you
or have you somehow rearranged things?
1059
01:10:50,204 --> 01:10:52,163
- I'm never going to know.
- Look, I love you.
1060
01:10:52,248 --> 01:10:55,333
How could any woman love a man
who could make her do whatever he wants,
1061
01:10:55,417 --> 01:10:57,835
any second, every day, forever?
1062
01:10:58,963 --> 01:11:02,382
Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you,
not in a million years.
1063
01:11:02,466 --> 01:11:04,133
Oh! Catherine...
1064
01:11:10,808 --> 01:11:13,476
Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!
1065
01:11:13,894 --> 01:11:15,561
This is indeed grave news.
1066
01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:18,273
It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been
1067
01:11:18,357 --> 01:11:20,942
interfering with our translation devices.
1068
01:11:21,151 --> 01:11:22,568
What's he done, Sharon?
1069
01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:25,405
I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been
calling ourselves
1070
01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:28,992
by foolish-sounding earthling names.
1071
01:11:30,077 --> 01:11:31,828
Female ones, at that.
1072
01:11:32,037 --> 01:11:38,793
It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured
among female earthlings from Australia.
1073
01:11:38,877 --> 01:11:40,169
The shame of it.
1074
01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:44,173
Sharon... I mean,
what should we be calling you?
1075
01:11:44,591 --> 01:11:48,553
Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1076
01:11:48,637 --> 01:11:50,930
Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.
1077
01:11:51,140 --> 01:11:54,767
Great waffles, master.
1078
01:11:55,269 --> 01:11:56,769
Who cares about waffles?
1079
01:11:56,854 --> 01:12:01,566
Catherine hates me. Ray hates me.
Everybody hates me.
1080
01:12:01,942 --> 01:12:04,152
I don't hate you and I care about waffles.
1081
01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:06,946
I think I like them even more than biscuits,
even red biscuits.
1082
01:12:07,031 --> 01:12:09,657
You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?
This is all my fault.
1083
01:12:10,951 --> 01:12:13,661
You know, I was just thinking about myself,
what I could get.
1084
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:16,914
- And yet with these powers, you know,
1085
01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:19,375
I could have solved every
problem in the world.
1086
01:12:19,460 --> 01:12:22,920
- I could have made people happy.
- You couldn't make Catherine happy.
1087
01:12:23,005 --> 01:12:27,050
Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.
You know, I was being selfish.
1088
01:12:27,134 --> 01:12:30,178
I mean, take world hunger, you know?
1089
01:12:30,387 --> 01:12:32,889
Let everybody in the world have as much
food as they want.
1090
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:39,896
I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody
in the world have somewhere to live.
1091
01:12:40,064 --> 01:12:42,231
No, no, no, live in their dream house.
1092
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:46,569
And war, senseless war, over forever.
1093
01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:49,906
Let there be no reason for anyone
to make war on anyone any more.
1094
01:12:50,032 --> 01:12:51,866
Yay!
1095
01:12:52,159 --> 01:12:54,160
Oh, and reverse global warming.
1096
01:12:54,995 --> 01:12:56,412
Has it happened?
1097
01:13:01,460 --> 01:13:04,587
The latest nation to
succumb to the sudden mysterious
1098
01:13:04,671 --> 01:13:07,799
exponential growth in woeld food
supplies is China,
1099
01:13:07,883 --> 01:13:11,052
where the average weight
is now 300 pounds and rising.
1100
01:13:11,136 --> 01:13:14,514
Well, today a party of picnicking
schoolchildren brought down
1101
01:13:14,598 --> 01:13:17,892
a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China.
1102
01:13:17,976 --> 01:13:20,395
As homelessness
becomes a thing of the past,
1103
01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:23,231
the last undeveloped area
of the Sahara Desert
1104
01:13:23,315 --> 01:13:26,692
has become a gated community
known as Beau Geste Towers.
1105
01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:29,362
Property developers are now
converging on Antarctica.
1106
01:13:29,446 --> 01:13:32,657
- Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
- Whoa, that was a good one.
1107
01:13:33,367 --> 01:13:34,784
"Let there be no reason to make war... "
1108
01:13:34,868 --> 01:13:36,661
- "To make war on anyone any more. "
- "... on anyone any more. "
1109
01:13:36,745 --> 01:13:38,621
How could that go wrong?
1110
01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:42,166
For no reason at all,
New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
1111
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:43,459
Oh, wow. Oh, dear.
1112
01:13:43,627 --> 01:13:47,547
Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
And in a surprise move,
1113
01:13:47,631 --> 01:13:52,510
the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has
declared war on the entire rest of the world.
1114
01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:55,138
Our war correspondent says
he is unavailable for comment
1115
01:13:55,222 --> 01:13:59,225
because he's too busy covering
all the other wars which have just broken out
1116
01:13:59,309 --> 01:14:01,686
for no reason at all.
1117
01:14:01,770 --> 01:14:06,607
A short time ago, scientists were afraid
of constantly rising global temperatures.
1118
01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:08,985
- But none of them have any explanation...
- Oh, my God.
1119
01:14:09,069 --> 01:14:11,028
- ... for this sudden return...
- Global warming.
1120
01:14:11,113 --> 01:14:17,660
...not only to the last ice age but to a
snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
1121
01:14:18,370 --> 01:14:23,583
On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic
into the Captain Scott gated community
1122
01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:25,585
- have been put on hold...
- Shit!
1123
01:14:25,669 --> 01:14:29,422
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
1124
01:14:29,548 --> 01:14:31,549
Yeah, but this is just unfair.
1125
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:34,886
Let everything go back to how it was
before I started trying to make
1126
01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:36,554
everything better for everybody.
1127
01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:40,141
Beautiful though the Earth looks
from space,
1128
01:14:40,225 --> 01:14:44,979
we all know how fragile it is, how much
damage human beings have done to it
1129
01:14:45,063 --> 01:14:48,649
and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
1130
01:14:50,611 --> 01:14:54,071
Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
It just drives you bloody mad.
1131
01:15:05,167 --> 01:15:08,336
- Tell Catherine I love her.
- Don't do it, master. I love you!
1132
01:15:09,671 --> 01:15:11,672
I've made arrangements for your biscuits.
1133
01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,758
You'll never have to worry about them again.
1134
01:15:13,842 --> 01:15:15,510
You're the kindest master.
1135
01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:17,720
Just shush, OK? I can't concentrate.
1136
01:15:18,931 --> 01:15:22,934
- Master, don't you love me?
- I can't stand it, Dennis.
1137
01:15:23,644 --> 01:15:25,686
I just... I can't stand the responsibility.
1138
01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:28,564
You need to get that into your stupid dog brain.
1139
01:15:28,732 --> 01:15:30,900
Neil!
1140
01:15:34,446 --> 01:15:36,322
I'll save you, master. Here I come!
1141
01:15:40,202 --> 01:15:44,330
Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
Master, help! Woof!
1142
01:15:44,414 --> 01:15:48,876
Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!
1143
01:15:51,255 --> 01:15:53,881
Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.
1144
01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:56,008
Bless you!
1145
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,928
You do love me, master.
1146
01:15:59,096 --> 01:16:02,598
Of course I love you, Dennis.
I just don't love myself.
1147
01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:10,147
Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator.
1148
01:16:10,274 --> 01:16:11,482
- Hang on.
- What?
1149
01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:13,693
We need to check if he's passed the test.
1150
01:16:13,777 --> 01:16:17,905
- Well, he did start all those wars.
- That was good.
1151
01:16:17,990 --> 01:16:21,576
- But then he stopped them all.
- But why?
1152
01:16:21,785 --> 01:16:25,913
He said he was trying to make things
better for people.
1153
01:16:27,124 --> 01:16:29,709
That's very appalling.
1154
01:16:30,043 --> 01:16:34,422
The only good is to destroy.
The only evil is weakness.
1155
01:16:34,506 --> 01:16:37,466
Weakness must be annihilated!
1156
01:16:38,218 --> 01:16:42,263
Agreed. Vaporise the earthling
and his wretched planet.
1157
01:16:43,307 --> 01:16:44,724
I told you so.
1158
01:16:44,808 --> 01:16:47,768
Reprime the Destruction Generator.
1159
01:17:18,008 --> 01:17:19,967
Try her again, Neil. Go on.
1160
01:17:20,052 --> 01:17:24,513
- She... She won't have me.
- Then, give up the powers.
1161
01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:27,391
- I can't.
- Then, give them to me.
1162
01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:30,770
You wouldn't have the powers
but you'd know where they were.
1163
01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:33,856
And being a dog,
all I want to do is follow orders.
1164
01:17:33,940 --> 01:17:35,733
I'll do what you tell me to.
1165
01:17:36,777 --> 01:17:39,528
- Dennis, you're a genius.
- Not bad?
1166
01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:47,036
Destruction Generator already charged,
Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1167
01:17:49,956 --> 01:17:51,666
Commencing destruction.
1168
01:17:57,214 --> 01:18:00,383
It is a curse that our numerals
take so long to pronounce.
1169
01:18:01,051 --> 01:18:03,844
Yeah, it's like,
you just wave your hand, like that.
1170
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:06,389
I feel it. Wow!
1171
01:18:06,556 --> 01:18:10,351
Yeah. There you go.
So what's it going to be? Biscuits?
1172
01:18:11,311 --> 01:18:12,812
But the power made you miserable.
1173
01:18:12,896 --> 01:18:16,440
Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?
Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
1174
01:18:17,984 --> 01:18:19,193
See?
1175
01:18:21,822 --> 01:18:24,115
What are you thinking, Dennis?
1176
01:18:33,375 --> 01:18:34,542
Forgive me, master.
1177
01:18:34,626 --> 01:18:36,252
What? Wait, wait. What are you going to do?
1178
01:18:37,838 --> 01:18:40,423
That's the only short one.
1179
01:18:42,384 --> 01:18:47,638
If I have any power, let the source
of that power be destroyed, forever!
1180
01:19:48,283 --> 01:19:51,076
All this marking be suddenly finished
and neatly stacked up.
1181
01:19:54,122 --> 01:19:56,040
Fiona Blackwell, go away.
1182
01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:04,632
Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.
1183
01:20:05,842 --> 01:20:08,010
Fiona! How lovely to see you.
1184
01:20:09,930 --> 01:20:12,598
Hey, great news. I got my sight back.
1185
01:20:14,142 --> 01:20:16,477
Hey, I think I hear Catherine.
1186
01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:22,733
- Catherine.
- Hi.
1187
01:20:22,818 --> 01:20:26,779
Hey. Look. Letters become cucumbers.
1188
01:20:27,906 --> 01:20:29,949
Us be on the prow of the Titanic.
1189
01:20:30,826 --> 01:20:32,117
I got rid of the powers.
1190
01:20:33,578 --> 01:20:35,246
I'm impressed.
1191
01:20:36,540 --> 01:20:40,543
Yeah. So I thought maybe
we could have some dinner sometime?
1192
01:20:42,420 --> 01:20:45,798
- Yeah, maybe, yeah.
- OK.
1193
01:20:59,062 --> 01:21:02,523
- How about tonight?
- I'll be down in half an hour.
1194
01:21:09,823 --> 01:21:12,741
We're going out to dinner.
I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
1195
01:21:13,201 --> 01:21:16,453
- I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.
- Turn me back, Den.
1196
01:21:16,538 --> 01:21:19,623
I can't. I like you as you are.
Those stubby legs. Look at you.
1197
01:21:19,708 --> 01:21:23,544
- I'm not a dog, I'm a man.
- Hey, nobody's perfect.
1198
01:22:15,972 --> 01:22:18,265
This is chewing a biscuit, boss.
I'll try and give you that right now,
1199
01:22:18,350 --> 01:22:19,558
hold one second.
1200
01:22:21,394 --> 01:22:23,354
Oh, red biscuit. Great.
1201
01:22:23,438 --> 01:22:25,856
No! No!
1202
01:22:29,444 --> 01:22:30,694
Oh, got it.
1203
01:22:30,779 --> 01:22:32,655
Licking. Licking somebody.
1204
01:22:34,324 --> 01:22:36,116
This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.
1205
01:22:39,704 --> 01:22:41,455
Oh, look. There's the red bit.
1206
01:22:43,166 --> 01:22:45,042
Oh, there, oh, right, oh...
1207
01:22:46,461 --> 01:22:47,503
I'm done.
1208
01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:49,630
OK, great.
1209
01:22:49,756 --> 01:22:52,007
That's enough chewing biscuits
for fucking half an hour.
93670
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