All language subtitles for Disjointed - 01x10 - The Worst.WEB.x264-STRiFE.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Nobody say a word.

- Ruth, I really...
- Shut the fuck up.

[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing]

♪ I'm so high and so dry
I'm sailin' in the sky ♪

♪ Just blow some gage
Come around babe ♪

♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪

♪ I'm so high and so dry
I'm way up in the sky ♪

♪ The world seems light
And I'm so right ♪

♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪

♪ I'm gonna plop my nickel
In a slot machine ♪

♪ And play my solid sender ♪

♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie Q
'Cause I'm on a bender ♪

♪ I'm so high and so dry
I'm sailin' in the sky ♪

♪ I got my roach around
I can't come down ♪

♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪

Is everybody okay?

- Yeah.
- All good.

Jenny, you good?

Yeah, I'm good.

[whispering] I'm not good.

[shouting] I feel like I should be
whispering in front of the scary men,

but I don't think I am.

I think that fourth shit-ball
really messed you up.

Oh, really?
Because I had three more after that.

[laughing hysterically, then shushing]

I can't go to jail.

I'm like catnip for lesbian prisoners.

Look... Look at this ass.
They will eat it alive.

Maria, you're not going to jail.
It's a shakedown.

They get some bullshit
pretext to come in

and take the weed and
the money, okay?

But they're not getting the money,

because you figured out
a brilliant way to hide our cash.

Which I was going to implement tomorrow.

Fuck a duck.

Oh, God.

Me tick-tick's boomeranging
like a bogan's

joggles on the first
day of Commonade.

Pete, I don't know
what you're saying,

but I think you're
having a panic attack.

The DEA raided my compound when I was 7.

Just a young joey in the pouch of life.

Listen, man,
I've lived through worse than this.

Stay with me.

Thanks, mate.

You're a real Bloomin' Onion.

How can they do this? Weed's legal.

State legal, federally illegal.

So, we exist in a gray zone
where they can still fuck us.

And if you've ever been
fucked in your gray zone,

you know it's no picnic.

You're inappropriate
at the most inappropriate times.

I know how this works.

Any second now,

the head agent, who I assure you
will be some roided-up meathead...

is gonna charge through that door
barking orders.

Pardon me, excuse me.
I'm sorry, pardon me.

I have to get through. Thank you.

Hey!

You must be Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.

What a name!

I'm Special Agent Barry Schwartz.

I like to say,
the government made me an agent,

but my mother made me special.

- Are you a Muppet?
- Shhh!

What a beautiful day.

Oh, best roof camping ever.

- Hell, yeah, I slept like a stoned baby.
- [Dabby chuckles]

It's so pretty up here.
Way better than that shithole Yosemite.

Fuck Yosemite, baby.

Oh, hey, come look at the view.

I can see all the way
to the Ken-Taco-Hut.

Oh, man.

Oh, damn, look at all those cops
buying weed today.

Dank...

those are feds.

Oh, shit.

Look at all those feds
buying weed today.

No, no, no! Ruth is getting raided.

Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.

What if they find us?
They're gonna kill the black guy first.

Hey, don't worry about it, baby.

They got Travis
and Carter to choose from.

Oh!

So, I guess we're just stuck up here?

Like those assholes on the space station.

No, no, no, cool it, okay? Calm down.

We'll just... We'll just hang out here.

- You know?
- Right.

We'll get high.

Maybe we'll bone a couple of times,
and call it a day.

Oh. So, it's like a regular day,
but outside.

Oh, shit.

My lighter's not working.
Can I use yours?

Yeah, no doubt. I got it right here.

Oh, oh, I left it at home.

[both screaming]

How you guys doing?
Are those tight? They look tight.

You know,
I was reading somewhere that the wrist

is the most delicate joint in the body.
Isn't that weird?

I'd have guessed knee.

Well...

Fellas, could we cut them loose?

You see?

We're reasonable people.

Excuse me, sir?
May I approach the bench?

Okay.

Hi, um.. I'm Maria Sherman.

I'm just a customer
with a family and

a sterling reputation
in the community.

And I'm willing to do anything
to preserve that.

[whispers] Anything.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
but I've got a job to do.

No, no, I'm... I'm just saying that...

I have a job I could do as well.

Thank you, but I'm a happily married man,

and I like the one I get on my birthday.

Okay...

- I need to speak to the owner.
- Yeah, that's me.

I'm a co-owner. So, if you wanna
harass somebody, start with me.

No, no, no.

Nobody's gonna harass.

We'll talk, we'll kibitz, we'll schmooze.

He's not gonna talk to you,
and neither am I.

Ah! You just did.

Don't feel bad.

You've been Schwartzed.

Come on.

You think he's gonna crack?

No, he's good. Black don't crack.

Guys, I don't wanna alarm anybody,
but I am dying.

You're not dying, you're just...

- shitballing.
- No.

No, I'm dying. I'm gonna die a virgin.

Okay, a butt virgin.

Come on, sun.
Don't be an asshole, light this shit.

It's never gonna light it now,
you called him an asshole.

Oh, man.

How did that dipshit
from Cast Away make fire?

I don't know.
He had a dumb-ass volleyball to help him.

Man, I was gonna pack a volleyball.

What about other movies?
Come on, we gotta think.

- Well, in Hunger Games...
- Right.

Katniss is on fire
because Cinna designed her a dress

with a flaming train
for The Parade of Tributes.

That's crazy.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

Did you just hear what I said, Dank?

I just remembered plot details
from a movie I saw years ago.

Holy shit, I remember that.

[together]
Oh, my God. We're getting not high!

Oh, okay, okay.

We gotta get this fire started.

- I know, I got it.
- Yeah, what is it?

- I'm gonna rub these sticks together.
- You know how to do that?

I watched Survivor all the time
in college.

Holy shit, I went to college!

[both screaming]

So, you're working with your mom.
That's nice.

My dad wanted me
to join him at the shoe store.

He still does.

He calls me last week, 85 years young,
God bless him, says to me:

"Son, as long as people have feet,

they're gonna need shoes."

Why are you here?

Shoe-store trivia.

The little thing you step into
to measure your feet?

That's called a Brannock Device.

Why are you here?

All right, not a small-talker.
I appreciate that.

Well, if you must know,

a certain YouTube video
has come to our attention.

Couple of your friends

seen handing out some of your cannabis...

to people of insufficient age.

That's not so good.

Those fuck-sticks.

Oy, don't go all buggaro
taking my Sheilas, you wallaby lickers!

Pete, Pete. Yelling at these guys
in fake Australian is not gonna help.

Why do you talk like that anyway?

Don't know. Good ask.

Do you remember when it started?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You know, in therapy,

I've learned that sometimes
it's better to talk about things

instead of keeping them buried.

Buried?

[door breaking]

[officer] Freeze! Police search warrant.

- [man] They're raiding the compound.
- [woman] Stay in your room, Pete.

[Pete] I have to get my plants.

[woman] No, stay in your room
and keep watching the movie.

[officer] Take the back and fan out.

[Crocodile Dundee] That's not a knife.
That's a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's a knife.

[Pete] That's not a knife.

That's a knife.

That's not a knife.

That's a knife.

That's Crocodile Dundee.

- What?
- That's a line from the movie.

The movie I watched while I was hiding.

Oh, my God, Carter.

That's not a knife.

That's a breakthrough.

You gotta get me out of here.
I'll do anything.

[whispers] Anything.

[whispers] Why don't I take
a rain check on that?

[in normal voice] Agent Sanchez.

There's always a Sanchez.

- [Sanchez] Yeah?
- Agent San... Oh.

Ooh. I like your pretend dick.

My friend Maria here, she's a patient
and she's very frightened.

I mean, could you just check her ID

- and send her home, okay?
- License.

Um, about that picture,

it's baby weight.

Plus, I had just eaten a cake.

I'm not gonna make it, Jenny.

Just leave me here to die.

Look, I was almost a doctor,

and I'm not gonna let you die on me,
you son of a bitch!

Olivia,

I want you to put your right foot in.

Great. Remember
that right foot you just put in?

- Yeah.
- I want you to take it out.

- But I'm so scared.
- Do it!

I want you to put your right foot in,

and this time, goddamn it,
I want you to shake it all about!

- Yes, yes!
- [yelling]

Yes!

Look, all I need is something
to show my boss, so I can say:

"Marjorie, here's what I confiscated.

I've done my job.
Case closed, it's Miller Time."

That's an old reference,
you're too young.

What do you wanna confiscate?

You know, the weed, your assets.

- Cash.
- Yes.

Assets. It's a cash business,
I know you've got a safe somewhere.

And don't tell me it's this safe,

because this safe is filled with Snapple.

Peach Mango-steen.

What is that,
Bruce Springsteen's fruity cousin?

[Schwartz laughs]

Oh, come on, Travis, that's funny.
Even Sanchez liked it.

Look, I don't know anything about a safe.

Ugh. You're killing me here, Travis.

Now I gotta threaten you
with jail time for distro to a minor.

Ooh.

Slugs have four noses.

So...

where's the safe?

I don't rat.

Travis...

That's good.

You're not like your mother.

You're not some firebrand
out to stick it to the man.

You're not cut out for jail.

Yeah, you're right. You know,
my mother and I are very different.

You know, we don't...

see eye to eye on a whole lot.
But there is...

There's one thing we do agree on:

Fuck you.

Oy, the language.

My goodness, I am so not high right now.

- Why is my hair like this?
- I don't know.

That is so much more sensible.

Yeah.

You know, now that we mention it,
this smells terrible.

I wish we had something to read up here.

Oh, I would kill
for a Wall Street Journal right now.

You know, speaking of finance,

I think it's time we
lay out a realistic

five-year plan for
our future together.

I mean, five years?
Isn't that a tad shortsighted.

We should do ten years at least
in this uncertain environment.

I mean, no offense, darling.

None taken, love.

So, I'll focus on selling
my jewelry on Etsy

and you can get
your teaching certificate.

Huh.

You know, if I can just reach one child.

Oh, just one.

Just one.

I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling really good
about where we're at, Dabby.

Me too, Steve.

- We should write some of this down, no?
- Oh, yeah, that's smart.

- Oh, here's a pencil.
- Okay.

Do you have something to write on?

We could write on this matchbook.

- Steve.
- Yeah?

Are you pulling my leg?

How are you gonna write a ten-year plan

on a matchbook, you silly goose?

It'd be a really fun challenge.

We could write around the words here.
Write on this empty flap there.

We could write on this empty flap.
We could move these matches and...

[both scream]

Go, go, go.

Yes, you got this, baby.

You got this, baby.

Yeah, light that shit.

Yeah, light that shit.

Oh, yeah.

Mind if I hit the head?

Yeah.

Dope-ass rifle.

AR-15?

Collapsible stock, single-point sling...

vertical foregrip.

Did three tours in Iraq.

Thank you for your service.

No, no, thank you
for protecting vets, like me,

from the medicine
that might actually help us.

I'm gonna go pee-pee now.

Well, I'm done with junior here. Ruth...

you're up next.

I didn't rat.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy in there.
That's my son, Pete.

Oh, this ought to be good.

Hi, yeah, let the gentleman through.

Peter, my son. Heh.

Hi.

I'm Tae Kwon Douglas
from Intensity Plus Fight School.

[whispers] What's wrong with him?

He gets kicked in the head a lot.

[in normal voice]
Okay, well, I'm Special Agent Schwartz

of the Drug Enforcement Administration.

What can I do for you?

Well, it's simple, really.

I run the dojang next door,

and my son Pete and I were playing
a little stickball in the alley.

And I hit a pop drive right through
the back door of this opium den...

and Pete followed the ball in here.

Good hustle, son.

You made your old man proud.

Let's get you back
to the house now

for a couple of
ice-cream sodas, huh?

- Douglas...
- I told you not to call me that, son.

Kids.

Douglas, Douglas.

I appreciate you trying to help me,

but I wanna stay here.

This is my family.

Pete, you could be in real trouble here.

I'll be okay.

As a wise man once taught me,

when you choose a path,
you have to walk it with intensity...

plus.

- Wait a minute. Was that me?
- Yeah.

That was good.

Sir, this was a nice moment.

Hearts were warmed,
but I'm gonna have to ask you to go.

- I...
- It's okay.

Okay.

[speaking Korean]

Ruth...

take care of my boy.

[mumbles]

Well, he's fun. Come on, Ruth.

Maria Sherman?

Yes.

- We ran your ID.
- Oh, great. Thank you.

Bye, guys! Stay strong.

- You're under arrest.
- What? Why?

You've got
seven outstanding moving violations.

But I had my housekeeper do
my online traffic school.

Come with me.

Oh, my God. I'm... I'm being arrested
and they aren't. This isn't fair.

Hands off the side-boob, Sanchez!

Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.

You know,
you're something of a legend at the DEA.

You want a Snapple?

Kiwi-strawberry.

Let's get to it.

Okay.

We're here today
because two young people,

Gabby Shapiro and Steve Dankerson...

Those fuck-sticks.

Oh, so you know them.

Well, it seems that they made a video
that clearly incriminates Travis.

He's looking at five to ten.

So, even if he beats it...

he's now got it on his record.

You miserable fucking prick.

How do you live with yourself?

Hm?

How do you go home every night...

and look yourself in the mirror?

Knowing that you're part
of this corrupt, stupid,

pathetic, outdated, insidious...

cluster-fuck.

The war on drugs.

Who are you helping?

And then you threaten my son?

A good, decent kid.

He's never been in any trouble.

What, you got a quota on
young black men you gotta send to prison?

He's your one for the day.

Good job.

Go home to your wife,

tell her what a hero you are.

If you're finished with your big speech,

please keep in mind that I could
have Travis in jail in 45 minutes.

So, again, Ruth...

where is the money?

Where's the fucking money?

[loud banging]

Oh, shit.

You didn't have to sledgehammer it.

Just push on my nose, it pops open.

But the thing about a sledgehammer,

once you bother schlepping it somewhere,
shame not to use it.

- Hey, Mom, you okay?
- Yeah.

- I told them.
- What? Why?

They were gonna arrest you.

Oh.

Beautiful stack work.

Lot of these raids, you open the safe,
it's disgusting.

You almost don't wanna take it.

Gentlemen, take it.

This is evidence.

- You'll get a receipt.
- Bullshit.

We're never gonna see that money again.
You're gonna get a Lexus.

You know, I don't like the Lexus.

I mean, it's nice and all,
but let's face it,

it's just a fancy Toyota.

You know what I test-drove the other day?

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

You see?

This brought you closer together.

Everybody wins.

And that's the story
of how we weren't high.

- The scariest 15 minutes of our lives.
- Hell, yeah.

We came this close to joining a gym,
I shit you not.

Yeah, oh, my God, yeah.

So, the lesson for all of you,
especially any kids who may be watching:

don't not be high.

Perfect advice. Life is too long,
you gotta make the least of it.

Yeah, yeah.
And if you ever go roof camping,

make sure to pack a volleyball.

I'm about to smoke
the shit out of your ass, Wilson.

[chuckling] Oh, yes.

[guitar strumming]

Little baby boy

Gazing up above

Listen to your Mama's words
Sung to you in love

We are doomed, we are doomed

We are born to be entombed

We are doomed, doomed
Doomed, doomed, doomed

You're gonna grow so fast

And when you are a man

Please recall your Mama's words

Every time you can

We are doomed, we are doomed

We're conceived to be consumed

We are doomed, doomed
Doo-be-doo-be doomed

Oh, we are doomed, we are doomed

It can safely be assumed

We are doo wah diddy dum diddy

Doomed

And that's the lullaby
you used to sing to Travis?

He was a very happy baby,
he needed a reality check.

Thought I left a bag
of the new weed in the car.

Just enough for six joints.

What did you name this one?

I didn't get a chance.

Maybe Stinky Tea?

Crocodile Dunweed?

I've Got A Kush On You...

OG?

Nana's Fudge Swirls?

No, that shit-ball has sailed.

How about The Worst?

In honor of the worst day
we've ever had here.

- Cheers.
- [Travis] Cheers.

[orchestral fanfare playing]

Do you see that?

I do.

I see it.

We all see it.

Pete, hit the green light.

[orchestral fanfare continues]

[jazz music playing]

Oh, man.

That show's bullshit, man.
That's not what it's like to get high.

Yeah, for one thing, man...

- joints were way too small.
- Yeah.

Whoa, when'd you roll that, man?

I thought you rolled it.

No, it's in your hand, man.

- Oh, that's my hand?
- Yeah.

[both chuckle]

Oh, shit, man, look.

What?

Far out, man.

Hey, man, we got chips.

You got any guac?

Yeah, we got guac, man,

but we don't have any chips.