All language subtitles for Disjointed - 01x03 - Rutherford B. Haze.WEBrip.STRiFE.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

[RUTH] ♪ Good morning, starshine ♪

♪ The Earth says hello ♪

♪ Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song ♪

Hey. You know what I just realized?

With my arrest last night,

I have now been incarcerated
in five consecutive decades.

Wow.

Good for you, Mom.

You're the Minnie Minoso of marijuana.

I don't know who that is.

Yes, you do. Minnie Minoso?

You know.

Google him.

No, just tell me.

Google him. It's so worth it.

Minnie, like the mouse.

- M-I-N...
- I know how to spell "Minnie."

Minoso.

M-I-N-O-S-O?

Yes. Now "return."

Okay, so your mom is the first black
player on the Chicago White Sox?

[LAUGHING]

No. Try "Minnie Minoso decades."

Just tell me.

No, but you're so close.

Travis, I swear, I will punch
you right in the tits.

That's why I love you, Olivia.
You're a quick study.

Fine.

Minnie Minoso was the first man
to play professional baseball

in five different decades.

Okay.

So, why was this worth it?

Don't you see? In the
same way Minnie Minoso...

Shut the fuck up about
Minnie-fucking-Minoso.

Someone had to say it.

No, no.

Keep the window shut.

Otherwise, we're... We're too exposed.

Too exposed to what?

Oh. [STAMMERS]

Sorry. I thought I was...

Never mind.

Man, Pete can sleep through anything.

Almost.

Yes, please.

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[MAN WHOOPS] Yeah.

- Right on.
- Yeah.

Thanks. All right. Gotcha.

Jeez, Travis, what's going on? I've
been getting fisted all morning.

Well, you can thank Dank
and Dabby for that.

They're the reason we have
all these new customers.

But they remind me of a
bunch of Chewbaccas.

I don't think that's true.

[YAWNING]

Where is she? You.

Whoa. Oh. Not today, bro.

- That...
- Carter, no. It's fine.

Copy.

Tae Kwon Doug, sorry about your wrist.

Yeah, well, I got two, asshole.

Wow. Did you get that, Carter?
Guy's got two assholes.

Ruth, I am here for one reason.

To tell you two things:

A, that I am strongly considering
pressing assault charges.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You want everyone to know that
a martial arts instructor

got his ass beat by a
stoned old Jewish lady?

And three, when I walked
out of here yesterday,

I said, "You gotta chill out, Doug-o."

There's no need to lose your kuk gi
over a few losers snorfing some derbs."

So, I decided I was just
gonna let it slide.

I was gonna be the bigger man.

But then last night happened
and you turned me small.

Real small.

So, you watch out, Ruth.

'Cause a tiny little man
is coming after you.

Coming after all of you!

[ALL BOOING]

Oh, yeah, your "boos"
only make me smaller.

- Boo.
- Yeah, see? He gets it.

She.

Horseshit.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN
MANDARIN] Dear Mei Mei.

We know you're working
hard in medical school,

so we're sending this
to help you through.

Mom and Dad.

Water filters.

How did they know?

[SINGING IN MANDARIN] These Brita
water filters hearken back.

To my parents' esteem.

My liquid safety.

Is of their utmost importance.

But they are deceived With
regard to my activities.

Perhaps I deserve the water-borne
diseases For which [TRANSLATION UNCLEAR]

Why do I lie?

Regarding my medical school instruction.

At the University of
California, Los Angeles?

Say, it's time for my favorite
dance team, so let's look.

A box of matches and an eighth
of Romulan Green marijuana.

That's all you need, my friend.

And soon you'll be
enjoying the smoothest,

mildest, tastiest bud ever created.

Every Romulan Green
cigarette is hand-rolled

for maximum smokeability

so, that all that sweet,
cannabis goodness

goes straight to your neuroreceptors

for that one-of-a-kind
Romulan Green experience.

Gee, I'd like to fuck those two.

With my mom's hot prison action
last night, we never got to talk

- about what happened at my place.
- Yeah, I've been thinking,

it's probably for the best
that we stopped when we did.

Oh. Okay.

Can I ask why?

Well, in a sense, you're my boss,
so it would've been weird.

Yeah, I guess I see what you're saying.
I never see you as an employee, though.

No, I know.

And believe me when... When
I say you're the boss,

I just mean technically.

I mean, we both know your mom
is the real boss around here.

I don't think we both know that.

No, no, you're right. You're
both officially in charge.

- Officially and actually.
- Sure, fine.

- I feel like you're patronizing me.
- Patronizing.

Travis!

Travis.

Travesty.

National Traves-Deez Nuts.

Dank, Dabby. Thank you guys
so much for all your support.

Not to mention all the business
you guys brought this morning.

- But you did mention it.
- [ALL LAUGH]

Well, guys, you know what?

As the boss around here,
I'd like to talk to you

about a very exciting
business opportunity.

Please, step into my office.

- Ah.
- [LAUGHS]

Your office has no walls, man.

But it does have a floor and
that's like a wall for your feet.

[LAUGHING]

What?

- What?
- I don't know.

I'm on the wall.

- Who is this?
- You see, guys?

That's what I'm talking about.

You guys have what Stephen
King once called IT.

- Ooh.
- Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Last I checked, you guys are pretty
close to 100,000 subscribers, right?

A hundred and one thousand
three hundred sixty-four.

- Ish.
- Ehh.

For marijuana performers like yourselves
to survive in the fast-paced,

ganja-tainment sector, you're
gonna need corporate sponsorship.

- I don't know if you've had any offers.
- I don't know either.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

I wanna get into the
Dank and Dabby business.

Well, that's...

very flattering,

but...

we're kind of just doing the
monogamy thing right now.

No. I'm not...

You can check back in
after Valentine's Day,

- I'm sure we can squeeze you right in.
- We can squeeze you in.

- That really wasn't what I meant.
- We have a safe word. It's "subway."

I... What I want...

is for Ruth's Alternative Caring
to be the official sponsor

of your YouTube channel. I can
see you asking yourselves,

"What does sponsorship mean?"

Holy shit.

Yeah, this motherfucker sees questions.

Oh.

So, simply put...

in exchange for promoting
our dispensary,

we will supply you
with all your product.

- But you already do.
- Yeah.

For free.

[IMITATING EXPLOSION]

So, what do you say? Yes or no?

Well, I got one question for you.

Can you see it, motherfucker?

[RUTH] Come in.

And so Maria entered the inner sanctum

of cannabis legend Ruth
Whitefeather Feldman.

Maria, you're narrating.

I'm doing that?

Yeah. And it's very
common with new users.

I nod knowingly.

Oh, my God, is that a picture
of you and Jimmy Carter?

Yeah, good old Jimmy Earl.

You know, that guy loved three
things: Weed, peanuts and failure.

Which brings me to you, Maria.

You know, just a few days ago...

you entered my store afraid to
take a bite of pot brownie.

I explained to you that I was
out of Weight Watchers points.

Yes. And then last night, you showed
up alone at a cannabis rally,

straddling a Harley wearing that hat.

I know, right? Check it out.

Number sign, "stoner"!

Sweetheart, you're
having a midlife crisis.

And as your pot dealer and shaman...

You're a shaman?

Yes. And a rabbi.

I strongly advise you
to just ease into this.

There's no need to radically
change your life.

But my life is boring.

Just yesterday, I was pushing
my 5-year-old on the swing,

and I thought to myself,
"Sure, Connor's swinging,".

Connor's going up and down,
but I'm not going anywhere.

"I'm just pushing him, like a sucker."

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Ruth, something's wrong with Carter.
- Excuse me.

He's been frozen like
that for ten minutes.

Carter, are you okay?

Carter.

Yeah.

I just...

I need to, uh, uh...

I gotta go...

Yeah.

He's going towards your office.

He's entering the room,
closing the door.

- He's locking the door to your off...
- Maria, you're narrating.

I'm sorry.

I said, my voice tinged with regret.

Do you think it's a PTSD thing?

Probably. I'm not a doctor.

Well, neither am I. Why would
you even accuse me of that?

Carter, it's Ruth. How you doing?

Sorry, Ruth.

I just... need some time alone.

You got it. You can stay in
there all day if you want.

If you like music...

I got the complete Joni Mitchell
on vinyl behind the desk.

Start with "Blue" and then go backwards.

Thank you.

Also, I know you don't partake...
but you might check out

some of the books I have on all
the good things pot can do

for anxiety, stress, depression.

You know, there's a reason they call
it "cannabis," not "can't-abis."

[CHUCKLES]

Did you get that in there?

Yeah, I... I got it in here.

And most importantly,

if you ever wanna talk,
my door's always open.

Well, not... Not now.

You've got it locked. [CHUCKLES]

And we're still talking, so...
the door is a nonissue.

Hello there. I'm Travis.

And I'm Olivia, his employee.

Welcome to Strain O' the Day.

You know the Haze family of pot.

Purple Haze, Cambodian
Haze and Lemon Haze.

Today we're offering one of those
strains' lesser-known cousins.

Rutherford B. Haze.

A moving tribute in cannabis dedicated
to the legacy of our 19th president,

perhaps best known for taking
office via the Compromise of 1876.

- And while President...
- One thing...

- Sorry.
- Go ahead.

No, I was just going to say
that while President Hayes

ended Reconstruction,

Rutherford B. Haze will
begin your reconstruction.

Did you just wink at the camera?

What's next, finger guns?

So, come on down to Ruth's and pick
up our Strain O' the Day today.

Today.

Pete, turn it off.

Hey, Carter, it's Pete.

I'm gonna knock now, so
don't be scared, okay?

Hey, Carter, it's Pete.

- You okay?
- Yeah, Pete.

I'm fine.

Listen, I don't claim to know
what you went through in the war.

I'm sure it's nothing like growing up
on a hippie commune in Humboldt County

with watchtowers and weekly
drills where we bayoneted dummies

dressed like DEA agents.

Jesus Christ.

You've seen the veterans
who come in the store.

Smoking really does them good.

Helps them cope.

It's an amazing plant, man.

And...

There's a reason they call it
"cannabis," not "can't-abis."

It's funnier when Ruth tells it.

Hey, Pete. Can I talk
to Carter for a minute?

Carter, don't hang up.

The next voice you hear
is gonna be Travis'.

Travis, the door is yours.

Carter?

I'm just checking in.

I know you think of me as your
boss, but I'm also your friend.

Also, you know...

we're both proud black men.

I think we might also be Leos, too.

Headstrong... charismatic.

♪ I could drink a case of you ♪

All right... good talk.

Stay woke, brother.

♪ Oh, I would still be on my feet ♪

Is this a real ID?

- Yeah.
- Great, come on in.

Mom.

As you saw this morning, Dank
and Dabby are very popular.

And so I've arranged for them to
promote us in exchange for free pot.

And that's what we're gonna do. I'm not
asking, I'm just letting you know.

Is that okay?

Travis, believe it or not, I did
read your business proposal,

and I don't remember your vision of
the future including Dank and Dabby.

No, but there is a section
called "Web Presence."

Yes, but there wasn't a subsection

called Hitching Your Financial Wagon
to Two Burned-Out Cosmic Dipshits.

Unless I missed that.

Which is possible, because
I'm old and out of touch.

You're not old and out of touch.
You're just old and mean.

Olivia, you wanna settle
a family argument?

Nope.

There you go, two against one.

Hey, Carter? How you feeling?

Kind of trying not to.

Listen, I know everybody
wants you to toke up,

but please don't feel any pressure.

Between you and me, I'm pretty
ambivalent about weed myself.

I mean, I smoke sometimes, but...

where I'm from, a lot of people
start with pot and end up on meth.

Like my brother.

He's in rehab.

We had an intervention with
him over Thanksgiving.

He stole my car and the turkey.

You get them back?

The car... not the turkey.

But in the end, Thanksgiving's
really all about the sides, right?

I lost three buddies in
Fallujah on Thanksgiving.

Oh, God.

I don't know what to say to that.

Nobody does.

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

You think Ruth'll be mad
I peed in her bong?

No.

She does it all the time.

And now because you,
the fans, have asked.

And we, the people of which whom
you are fans of, responded.

We now present to you
a brand-new montage.

- The Best of Dank and Dabby Coughing,
- The Best of Dank and Dabby Coughing,

- Volume Four.
- Volume Four.

[COUGHING] Oh, shi... Oh, my...

[COUGHING]

This is one of my favorite pieces.

It represents a Swahili tribe, I think,

and I found it from a man
at Washington State.

Come... Dab.

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]

Should I call 911?

[DABBY COUGHING]

Come on, Dab.

I'm trying to do important stuff here.

[COUGHING]

- Oh.
- Whoa.

Shit is cool.

911...? Yes, this is an emergency, 911.

I'm fine.

[BOTH COUGHING]

Well, clearly they're very talented.

We're not talking about any more free
product than I've seen you give away

- to people on a daily basis.
- That's medicinal.

I hate to break it to you, Mom,
but adult use is legal now.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but
those two people are not adults.

Not adults? You spent a
night in jail for jumping

off a truck onto a martial arts teacher.

Hey. That was activism.

Look, Mom, face facts.

All right, yes, marijuana is
love, marijuana is healing,

but marijuana is also this.

[DANK COUGHING OVER COMPUTER]

[DANK] Smoke just came
out of everywhere.

Maria, before you leave,
I need to check your ID.

But I'm on my way out.

Yeah, but the Maria who's leaving

is not the same as the
Maria who entered.

Jesus, I miss Carter.

Carter?

For what it's worth,

the first time I smoked
pot was six months ago.

I was terrified.

My parents always told me
it was for weak people.

Then I tried it with some friends,
non-Asians of course, and...

I wouldn't even say it was good or bad.

Just that...

for the first time in my life I felt
like I was living in the moment.

And as for weakness,

I don't know anyone on Earth who
isn't using something or someone

to cope with... other
somethings or someones.

The only question that matters is...

does it work for you?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I gotta go empty this, so excuse me.

You ready?

Yeah.

Pete.

Carter, for your first time I've
chosen something gentle and euphoric.

Girl Scout Cookies.

That's what you chose for me?

- Girl Scout Cookies?
- Oh, don't let the name fool you.

They're not really cookies.
It's marijuana.

Before I do this...

I just want to apologize
to everyone for...

For freaking out earlier.

I'm really glad you guys have my back.

You never have to apologize, Carter.

And you can keep my bong.

Hold it for as long as you can.

[COUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I don't feel anything.

It takes a minute or two.

Some music might help.

Who likes Tuvan throat singing?

Who doesn't?

Give me a sec. I'm gonna
put on some Yat-Kha.

Feel anything, Carter?

Here we go.

["KARANGAILYG KARA HOVAA" PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

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www.addic7ed.com