All language subtitles for Curb.Your.Enthusiasm.S09E01.Foisted.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264

♪ A robin feathering his nest
has very little time to rest ♪

♪ While gathering
his bits of twine and twig ♪

♪ Though quite intent
in his pursuit ♪

♪ He has a merry tune
to toot ♪

♪ It's clear a song ♪

♪ Will move the job along ♪

♪ For a spoonful of sugar
helps the medicine go down ♪

♪ The medicine go down ♪

♪ The medicine...
the medicine go down ♪

♪ For a spoonful of... ♪

Fuck!

Hey! Hey!

Wha... why didn't you
keep the door open?

Oh, um...

No... no "after you"?

I... I... I didn't really
get an "after you" vibe.

Well... well, why not?
I'm a woman, aren't I?

- Yeah...
- Really?

Well, I... I just didn't
think you were the type

who would want a guy to
hold the door open for you.

- What type am I?
- You know, you're a type.

You have, uh, short hair,

you wear a tie, you got a vest.

It's, uh... it's a look.

So, you looked at me and
then let a door shut on me.

I thought you might not
want that, that's all.

I was just trying
not to offend you,

and yet I wound up offending you,
which is quite ironic.

It is ironic because I would've
enjoyed the door being open for me.

- And... you know what I mean?
- Uh, well,

also there was some
distance involved, too.

- So I would say type plus distance...
- Oh, you have an equation?

- Yeah, type...
- You have an equation for the...

Yes, it's
a mathematical equation.

Type plus distance
equals no door hold.

Where did you get
that equation from?

Uh, I made it up.

Well, you know, what kind of
vibe I'm getting from you

is that that's a fucked up
equation, you know what I mean?

But you can't argue with
the distance, though.

That's a...

that's a big factor.

Huh?!

"Fatwa! The Musical,"
written by Larry David.

- Finally!
- Five years.

- Five years.
- Yeah.

You wrote a musical
about Salman Rushdie

having his life ruined 'cause
he got a fatwa, a death threat,

from the Ayatollah
Khomeini.

I'm telling you, there's a
lot of funny stuff in there.

Who do you think about
playing Salman Rushdie

and what about the ayatollah?

Salman Rushdie, I don't know,

but, uh, the ayatollah,

I'm actually flirting with
the notion of doing it.

- You for the ayatollah?
- I don't know, I probably won't do it.

- It's like the odds are...
- The idea sucks, Lar.

It's a stupid idea.
It's just a...

- How are you helping?
- ...fatwa.

Really? Oh, like you're
a paragon of tastes.

- Yeah.
- Larry, I've seen everything on Broadway.

- This is my office.
- It's a stupid fucking idea!

Fatwa! People don't wanna see that.
They want uplifting. They want...

You don't even know what
you're talking about!

- You sound like a moron. You know that?
- Do I, really?

Yeah, you do.
It's a good idea.

And by the way, what the hell
are you doing here anyway?

Well, I was in the area
looking... ah... for venues.

- He... does he know?
- No.

Guess who's
getting married.

- Sammi's getting married?
- Yes, my little Samella. Yes.

- Who's the guy?
- He's a vet.

- An Afghan war vet.
- Really?

- He was a Marine.
- Don't you got to be careful

with the, uh, you know,
the PTSD?

He doesn't have PTSD.

I would know. I know things.

You don't know. You know,
it comes on in a year or two.

He could wake up in the middle
of the night and start punching.

- What is that? What are you doing?
- He could wake up...

...you know, like that.

All right. All right,
you guys are fuckin' morons.

Ah, you poor fucker.

- Your haircut's here.
- Yeah, send her in.

- You get a haircut in the office?
- Yeah.

- Betty!
- Hi, Susie! How's it going?

- How are you, my love?
- Good.

- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Betty.

How are you?
Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Huh.

So... sorry.

Oh, it's fine. I'm over it.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

He didn't open the door for me.
It was a whole thing.

- I was walking to the door. He didn't open it.
- Because the tie

- and the short hair...
- In fact, he let it shut.

And then it was offensive
to me, obviously,

because it's just... 'cause he thinks
that I wouldn't want the door open.

- Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.
- You know what? It's okay.

- Water under the bridge.
- Water under the bridge.

That's Betty. Betty, you're
too good, I'll tell ya.

She also happens
to be a lesbian.

And she's marrying her
partner in a few weeks.

She's a lesbian.

She takes such great pride
in having a lesbian friend.

"Oh. Oh, look at me, everybody.

I'm so cool,
I hang out with lesbians."

I had lesbian friends before
you knew what lesbians were.

- Hey, by the way...
- Uh-huh.

...you know,
I could use a haircut.

You could. You could.

And you know what?
I could do it for you.

- Really?
- Yes, yes. I can come to your house.

And I'll open the door for you.

- Okay.
- Huh?

- Huh? Come on. Right?
- All right.

- Right. Yeah.
- Okay, okay.

- Okay.
- Okay. All right.

Hey, it's my long-lost assistant.

Welcome back!

- Thank you.
- Welcome back.

You had a nice little two-day
unauthorized vacation.

Oh, not...
it wasn't a vacation.

- Oh, it wasn't?
- No, I was... I was very constipated.

- I couldn't poop.
- No, I know what constipation is.

You don't come to
work for two days

because you were constipated?

Yeah. Luckily it
was only two days.

The whole world is out
there constipated.

Half the population
is constipated.

I got married constipated.
People do things constipated.

You wouldn't want me here.
I wouldn't... I wouldn't...

No, I would want you here.
Why wouldn't I want you here?

I don't function well with
the feeling of heaviness.

I feel like I'm wearing
a cement inner tube.

- Mm-hmm.
- And now, I mean,

it's about being available
for it to happen.

And it hasn't totally happened,
I'm gonna be honest.

The blessed event
hasn't occurred yet?

It's partially occurred,

but I'm gonna soldier on
here at the office

so that we can get
some stuff done.

You're gonna soldier on. Wow.

Aye, lassie.
I admire your courage.

This is one of those fields, like
many, that isn't researched enough.

Perhaps, you... you could champion
the cause of constipation.

You could...
you could raise money.

You could go on,
you could have fundraisers.

You know, you could...
you could have groups

where people who are
constipated get together and...

and talk about their problems.

I don't...

In fact, you know what else
you might wanna think about?

Instead of sitting
in a chair at your desk,

put in a toilet seat.

You know,
have an office bathroom.

Maybe something to
consider for the future

if you wanted to look
into the plumbing.

- Come on. Not a bad idea.
- Um, anyway.

Well, uh, I did get a voicemail,
and Richard Lewis called.

And, uh, unfortunately,
his parakeet died.

Aw. Hmm.

- Had you ever met him?
- Yes. Yes, I did.

- What was he like?
- Bird-like. He was bird-like.

- Yeah.
- You know what? I'll cheer him up.

I'll send him a little text.
How about that?

Yeah, well, I think for death,

sometimes a text is inadequate.

Yes, perhaps if it
were a person,

I would agree with you.

All right. Done.
He's gonna love it.

Hey, do me a favour.

This pen is out of ink.

I need a refill.

Okay?

There you go.

And you...

There you go.
You got the refill.

You have the refill.

You have the refill.

I worry I'm gonna lose
something this small.

You take that.

- And I will look that up.
- Okay.

Okay.

And think about that toilet.

- The chair toilet.
- All right.

You just sit there at your desk.

Pretty good idea.

Hey.

- Come on.
- What's up?

Turn this down. It's too loud.

- What's too fucking loud?
- I hear it on the street.

Wait... just wait
a fuckin' minute.

I'll turn this shit down, okay?

- Yeah. What are you doing?
- Ah. You okay?

- Yeah. What are you doing?
- I'm fuckin' lamping. What you doing?

You're lamping?

Chillin'. Relaxing.

Why did you change
it from chillin'?

What was wrong with chillin'?

Got to get another one?
Lamping?

Lamping. I can sit around here
with some fuckin' boxers on

and a tank top with
my feet the fuck up.

And chillin' is what?
You gotta be in real clothes?

- You can walk around and chill.
- Oh.

You upright.
You chillin' upright.

You guys got some great slang,
I gotta say.

- The fuck you got?
- We got boss.

That's a boss shirt.

- Oh, man.
- Huh?

You can keep that boss shit.

- Keep that bullshit.
- Boss isn't...

boss isn't happening,
is it, huh?

Hey, I wouldn't even say
that shit by mistake.

Get this...
my assistant, okay,

doesn't come to
work for two days.

You know why?
You know what she tells me?

- What?
- She was constipated.

Who doesn't come to work
'cause they're constipated?

Have you ever heard of that?

- Fuck, no. Come on, man.
- Ridiculous.

Come on, I shot
a porno constipated.

I ran a 5k marathon constipated.

Shit, man, come on.

I was in a hot dog-eating
contest constipated.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You shot a porno?

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Seriously.

And a hot dog-eating
contest constipated.

And I still fucking won.
That's not a fucking excuse.

You cannot let this bitch use
constipation as something to lean on.

You got to fire that bitch.

Yeah, well, that's
easier said than done.

It's, you know...
she's got a...

she's got a limp and a cane.

I'd feel sorry for her.

I can't. I can't do it.

And by the way, that's just
the tip of the iceberg.

Okay. What the fuck
else could it be?

I'm not at liberty to...
to say.

- I can't say.
- What is it?

I don't wanna say.
I don't wanna talk about it.

You fucking walk all the way
the fuck over here,

you disturb me from
fucking lamping,

and you ain't even gonna fucking
tell me what the fuck it is?

I... I... I can't say.

Tell me what the fuck going on.

Let's just say her
uncle fucked her.

- Recently?
- No, no. Years ago.

Oh, shit, man.

You see... you see the
dilemma that I have?

Between the limp
and the cane and the uncle...

she's unfirable.

- God damn it, man, you can't fucking fire her.
- I can't fire her, I know.

And the thing about it is that

she was so highly
recommended, too.

She used to work for Jimmy Kimmel
and he recommended her to me.

He said she was great,
and she's awful.

Why would he recommend her?

I know what the fuck happened.

He foisted you, man.

Fucking Jimmy Kimmel
foisted that bitch on you.

What do you mean?

He couldn't fire her either,

so he passed her ass onto you.

Don't you ever allow
yourself to get foisted.

You understand?
That fucking limpy-ass girl...

I got foisted.

Now, the only way
to resolve this shit,

go in your fucking mind
and you think of someone

you can unload this
limpy bitch onto.

You have to get rid
of this bitch.

You know what,
every now and then...

every now and then, yeah,
I gotta say, you surprise me.

Whoo.

Boom. Boom.

Is that still workable?

The fist bump?
Is that still...?

There's people still
doing that, yeah.

Will you let me know
when that goes out of fashion?

When that shit stop,
I'll let you know.

And if you see me
doing anything else

that the black community might
frown upon as being uncool,

you're gonna let me know.

I'll stop your ass.
You know I will.

Now go upstairs
and start lamping.

I'm so excited right now.

- Like, I can't even tell you.
- Sure.

I just never thought that
I'd be having a wedding.

- Have you been married?
- I have, yes.

So, you've had a wedding,
so you know how awesome it is.

- Yeah, but I wasn't excited in the least.
- Oh, you weren't?

- No. But I never get excited, you know.
- About anything?

No, my mother used to say to me,

"Larry, you...
you never get excited."

- Really?
- "Can't you be excited?"

It... it broke her heart.
I... there's no excitement.

Well, I'm excited,

- so I appreciate you letting me talk.
- That's... that's great.

I have a couple of questions,
logistically,

about how the whole thing works.

- Okay.
- So, when the Rabbi

or the Minister
or whoever says,

"Do you take so and so..."
what's your fiancée's name?

Numa.

Numa. "Do you take Numa to be
your lawfully wedded wife..."

It doesn't really
work like that.

Oh. Okay,
but what about, um,

"Here Comes The Bride"?
Who gets the song?

- I'm getting that song.
- You're getting the song?

You're getting
"Here Comes the Bride"?

Yeah. That's my song.

I wanted to be the bride

and Numa's actually
always wanted to be the groom,

so it worked out good.

Not really getting,
uh, bride vibes from you.

Well, that's 'cause
you're not at the wedding...

With all due respect,
yeah, I don't see bride.

I don't see bride,
okay, from here.

No, try and see it.
Try and see it.

- We're at the wedding...
- I can't see it.

- My dad walks me down the... the thing.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

I have a veil with, like,

- a flower...
- Oh, my God, you got the gown, too?

- Yeah.
- Oh, no, this is a huge, huge mistake.

- No, it's... um, it's amazing.
- No.

Look, you got a picture of Numa?

Okay, she's beautiful,
obviously.

Okay. That's a...
that's a bride, okay?

- Well...
- That's a bride.

That's a groom.

Believe me, I say this only
with the best intentions.

That's a fuckin' bride.
You a goddamn groom.

- The groom, right?
- You a goddamn groom.

- Yeah.
- What's her name?

- Numa.
- Numa fine as fuck.

- Right? She is.
- You are one lucky-ass groom.

- Thank you.
- She gorgeous?

I'll see you later. Mm.

Hey, we need more peanut butter.

Okay, well, we're done.

Oh. Uh, how much do I owe you?

- Uh, 150.
- 150?

Yeah, boy,
you're gonna love that.

Oh, boy, you're making quite
a living there barbering.

150 for a bald man?

- For a haircut?
- Yeah, well, you're not bald.

- You do have hair.
- Well... yeah.

- So, thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.

Think about what I said.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

You're a lovely girl,
Betty, but, uh,

you're not a bride.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately.

So, this is more
of the kick-off,

- and then we'll have a big gala...
- Cheryl?

- Hi. Excuse me.
- Hey!

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

- Oh, really?
- Thank you for coming.

What is this name, PAM?

That's the best you could do?

It's like...
it's a cooking spray... PAM.

No, it's People Against
Mutilation, genital mutilation.

Yeah, I know what it stands for.

And there are very few charities

that actually focus on the
clitoris and talk about it.

I think you got
half the population

focused on the clitoris.

- I'm deadly focused on it.
- You are?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

- Hey, Ted!
- How are you?

- I haven't seen you in a while.
- I know!

- I know. It's nice to see you.
- Where's Mary?

Mary? Oh, uh, yeah...

Oh, you know, I haven't
seen you guys for so long.

Mary and I have been separated for,
like, three months, you know.

- The divorce is almost final.
- What?

- My bad. Sorry.
- Oh, my God.

- Holy mackerel.
- I am shocked.

Oh, no, no, no. Truth is I
think we're better friends now

than when we were married.

That's total bullshit.

You just... you have
to say that to yourselves

to wean yourself
off the relationship.

- What is that?
- It's a breath spray.

Oh, thank God.
I think Jeff's looking for you.

Yeah, one second.

Gotta go talk to my manager.

- Okay.
- Big stuff happening.

- Ooh.
- Big stuff.

- Strangest man on the planet.
- I know.

Crazy, crazy exciting.

- Really?
- Yep.

Every producer
I sent "Fatwa!" to is in.

- Wow.
- Every producer I talked to.

I've got so many producers
that want to do this.

Look at you, Mr. Broadway.

Got you booked on "Jimmy Kimmel"
to talk about it already.

- Really? Do I need to do that?
- Yep.

Oh, yeah, you need to do that.

Get out there,
start talking about this.

This is very exciting.

Hey, how much does Betty
charge you for a haircut?

- 75.
- She charged me $150.

- Twice as much?
- Twice as much.

- That's crazy.
- I know it's crazy.

- Why would she do something like that?
- I don't know.

- She ripped me off.
- You want me to call her?

No, no, no.
I'm gonna say something to her.

- Feel free.
- Good.

Hey, it's Lewis.

Come here.

- I'll meet you over there.
- Cool, cool.

All right, I'll meet you
over there. Fine.

- Happy?
- No, I'm not, actually.

- This is not the middle.
- I don't move again.

The middle... the middle
would've been over there.

I took way more steps
than you did to get here.

- I'm older than you.
- Hey, by the way, good news about "Fatwa!"

There's a lot of producers
interested in it.

I don't care about
your fucking play,

'cause my bird died

and you sent the most
ridiculous, despicable text.

"Sorry about your bird.

The good news is
I'm still alive."

- Prick.
- Prick?

This is a tragedy and you treated
it like it was nothing to me.

- How dare you?
- I... I don't see it as a tragedy.

You don't? Why not?
It's my bird.

- If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy.
- Oh, really?

Or some exotic bird from Brazil

like a macaw or a toucan.

I don't live in
a Cuban dancehall.

I live in my own home
and it doesn't take toucans.

You know, it's a dead parakeet.
That's a funny thing.

I loved him.
It was unconditional love.

- It was... even...
- Unconditional love?

- He came over...
- He doesn't know you from a hole in the wall.

He knows me. He knew you.
Remember he came over once?

He went, "Seinfeld, Seinfeld."
He loved you, too.

I'm not quite sure
it was "Seinfeld."

And you... you thought
that was "Seinfeld."

- Yeah.
- No.

Yeah, that's not Seinfeld.

You know why I'm laughing?
At the sadness of your entire existence.

- Well...
- You're so unjust...

I take that as a
great compliment.

Well, there's a lack
of empathy and compassion

and sympathy for practically
everything in your life.

There's a lack of everything.

- Don't you feel good about...
- Look, you're a comedian.

You're supposed to be able
to take a joke, you know?

You're supposed to laugh
about everything.

Just because I'm a comedian, I have
to find everything in the world funny?

Yes, everything's funny.

You're devoid of anything

that's remotely caring
or empathetic.

- And it's sad, and I...
- Are you sure a dead parakeet isn't funny?

This, to me, is a tragedy.

- I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna go, too.

- I'm going this way.
- No, no, I'm going this way.

No, you came from that way.

You go that way,
I'll go this way.

No, I wanna go that way.

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey.

I'm late, I'm late. I know.

Nice of you to show up.

Well, Larry,
I've been so crazy busy.

I've never been
like this in my life.

Did Jeff tell you
about my new business?

I heard something. What is it?

Soaps On.

It's a skin care,
bath products, all organic...

- Soaps On?
- ...sustainable.

Could you come up with
a worse name than Soaps On?

It's a great name.
You know, you don't know

what the fuck
you're talking about.

- It's a great name.
- Okay, good, good.

So, what have you been doing?
You've been working at night on it?

Nonstop. I think I'm gonna
have to hire an assistant.

I think I have to maybe...
maybe more than one.

What?

Did I just hear you say you
needed to hire an assistant?

I think I do, yeah. I'm burning
the candles on both ends.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Well, you know, I'm gonna be
going to New York to do the play.

Yeah, "Fatwa!"

And I'm not gonna be able
to take my assistant.

- She's good?
- Oh, good?

She's... she's the best
I ever had.

Well, what's her history?
Where... where is she...

- Oh, she worked for Kimmel.
- Jimmy Kimmel?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he's a big star.

- Ah...
- What? What?

- Come on, what?
- Eh...

- What?
- I can't give her up.

- I... I can't. She's...
- What are you gonna use her for?

You're gonna be on the phone with
her here and you're in New York?

That's ridiculous.
That doesn't make any sense.

You need to hire
a new assistant in New York

and let me take this one.

What the hell?
You can have her!

- Ah! Yay!
- Huh? Yeah!

- Oh, I love you so much!
- Ha ha! Yeah?

Oh, this is great!
I feel like a weight

has been lifted
off my shoulders, Lar.

- Me, too.
- You won't be sorry.

Trust me. Fantastic!

Pretty good.

Pretty, pretty, pretty,
pretty good.

I'm not saying
you can't be the groom.

I'm just saying I think I
might not be the bride.

I saw myself and then I'm
gonna walk down the...

Wha... Larry?
What are you doing here?

The door...
the door was ajar.

You! You're the one
that put this in her head?

- What? What? I...
- What is your agenda, man?

- No, I didn't do anything.
- Of course he just shows up, too.

- Out of nowhere. Just... you're here now.
- The door was ajar.

The... you left the door ajar.

You have no business weighing
in on this wedding, okay?

It's not completely
his fault, um, but...

No, I just thought...

look, you're a beautiful bride.

- You should be a bride.
- I'm the groom.

I don't wanna be the bride.

You're not groomy,
she's not bridey.

You know...

How is it appropriate for you
to have an opinion about this?

Well, because I know her.
She gave me a haircut.

She charged a lot of money
for it, by the way.

What kind of psychopath

interferes with the nuances
of a lesbian wedding?

Hey, I saw wrong and tried
to right it. That's all.

- I can't believe...
- That's what Ted Kennedy said

about Robert Kennedy
at his funeral.

I'm... I'm like
Robert Kennedy.

You know what's not
Robert Kennedy-ish?

- Hmm?
- Wandering into people's homes

and spouting nonsense.

Oh. Okay.
Well, don't leave the door ajar.

- Stop saying "ajar"!
- Okay.

What is really going on here?
Do you need a hobby?

Not a terrible idea.

You're... you're right
about that.

That's... that's a good idea.

I just can't seem
to find the motivation.

You know, when I was a kid,
I would collect butterflies.

I would go in the park,
I had a... a net,

and I would...
I would use the net.

I cannot tell you how much
satisfaction there is

in trapping a
butterfly in a net...

I didn't expect you to
actually answer...

I didn't expect an actual
answer to that question!

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter about him.

- It doesn't...
- I'm done.

It doesn't matter about him.
I just want you to be happy.

I want us to have a successful
wedding and a successful life.

- Fantastic.
- I'll do anything you want.

- Whatever you want.
- I wanna be the groom.

You waited too long.

That's everything
I need to know.

- No, no, no!
- Here is your ring.

- I wish this friendship the best.
- No. Oh...

- What...?
- Aw, come on.

No. No, don't... no.

Come, come... no.

- Here, allow me.
- What the fuck are you doing?

No good?

I don't need you to hold
the door for me, you prick.

You see?
See what happens?

I held the door,
she didn't like it.

You chastised me
for holding the door.

What's a guy supposed to do?
I'm betwixt and between.

- Why are you here?
- I'll tell you why I'm here.

'Cause I asked Jeff what you
charged him for a haircut

and he told me $75.

- Uh-huh.
- You charged me $150.

- Mm-hmm.
- What's up with that?

Get the fuck out of my house.

Okay.

Are you sure...?

Okay, I got it. I got that.

I've got some news.

Wha... what is it?

Okay, 'cause of the musical,
I might be going to New York.

And I thought,
"What am I gonna do about Mara?"

So, guess what.

I got you a job with my friend,

a very close friend of mine,
as her assistant.

She's starting this new
company called Soaps On

- for natural bath and beauty products...
- Larry, th-thank you. I...

This woman really knows
what she's doing.

And by the way,
she's such a terrific person.

This woman's a...
she's a fucking saint, okay?

Well, okay. I mean...

Don't take this the wrong way.

Always, this job
felt a little bit

- like it wasn't challenging enough.
- Is that so?

So this... this could be
a good opportunity.

We can start right now.

Yeah, let's pack you up and let's
get you the hell out of here.

- Thank you.
- Thank you for all the, the, the work,

the hard work that you did, even though
it wasn't very challenging at all.

- And I don't even know what you did exactly,
- You know, I just... it just...

...but you claim to have done
something, but I'm sure you did.

Anyway, let's go.

- There we go.
- Careful.

There we go. You got this,
you got all this.

Oh, look, you got little
cookies and cakes here.

Okay, take the plant. Yeah.

There you go. Okay.

Take your water. Get this out.

- I just...
- What else? We're done. We're good.

There we go.

Okay. Oh, yeah, you're
gonna have a good time.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Can't you walk a little
faster with that thing?

They... they have Olympic events
for that. They speed along.

Do you want to get
a celebratory drink or...?

Nah. I don't think so.

All right, then. Well, should we...
should we hug goodbye?

I'll tell you what.
Let's do one of these.

There we go.

Now you got your box,
we had a little hug.

- Thanks, Larry.
- All right, you take care.

- All right.
- We'll see ya.

- Bye, Leon.
- Give my best to Susie.

- Tell her I said hi.
- See ya.

Tell me that's what
the fuck I think it is.

- That's a foist.
- Mm, fuck!

That was a foist!

- My man, look at you.
- Yep!

- You did it!
- Huh? How 'bout that?

She ain't gonna limp her ass
back up in here, right?

- Oh, no chance.
- Draggin' that goddamn foot, right?

No chance.
She's been foisted, man.

So she's not coming back?

- Nope.
- She's out of here for good?

Out.

I can do this.

What? What are you
talkin' about?

I can do this shit.

What? Do what shit?

I can be your new assistant.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's...
that's impossible.

Come on, man.

Larry David's office.
What the fuck is up?

Oh, I'm sorry,
that bitch got foisted.

You only get half price 'cause
you drive a goddamn Smart car.

All right?

Don't call me no fucking more.

Mm.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey, how you doin'?

What's happening?
Good to see you.

- Good to see you. Hi.
- How are you? Welcome.

- What's going on?
- Not... this is Leon, by the way.

- This is Jimmy.
- Good to be here, baby.

- Good to have you here.
- He's my temporary assistant.

Hold on, hold on.

Hey, Jeff. What's up?

- Hey. Is that for me?
- We at "Jimmy Kimmel."

I'm gonna take it outside.

Fucking good as fuck.

- What is this, crudité?
- Yeah, crudité, yeah.

Crudi-take.

All right?

What are you doing?
Don't take that.

It's fine because...
no, we...

- it's not like we reuse it.
- Hey, are you nuts?

- Put the fucking thing back, you asshole.
- Fuck you, Larry! Fuck you!

So, Jeff...

- He's not gonna take it. It's a joke.
- Okay. Yeah.

- How you doing? Everything all right?
- Yeah, yeah. Good.

- What have you been up to?
- Uh, you know, just lampin'.

Lamping?
Like L-A-M-P-I-N-G?

There's no "G" at the end.
Lampin'.

Lampin'. Okay.
All right. Is that...

- It's black slang. I pick it up from him.
- Oh, okay. Oh, all right.

- I didn't realize that.
- But, um... let me, uh...

let me congratulate you,
by the way.

Oh, thank... on what?

On the wonderful, fantastic job

of foisting that you did.

- What do you mean?
- Nice job.

You foisted Mara on me.

I did foist her on you.

- I did. I really did foist her on you.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Fantastic foist.
- I told...

and by the way, Marty Short
foisted her on me.

He foisted her on you.
Okay, well, guess what.

You've gotta now foist
her on somebody else.

- Yeah.
- Done. It's already done.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- It feels good, right?
- Thank you. Oh, my God.

It's like a pyramid
scheme, almost.

Uh, yeah. In a way, yes.

Eventually there will...
somebody at the end

will have to marry her.

- Exactly! Exactly, yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for coming.
It's great to have you here.

- Yeah, thanks. I'll see you out there.
- All right, see you out there.

- Take it easy.
- It's gonna be fun.

Now, um, I understand
you have a new project.

New... something
you're working on.

Yes, yes. I've, uh...

I've written a musical
for Broadway.

- Mm-hmm?
- It's called, uh, "Fatwa!"

"Fatwa"?

- "Fatwa!"
- And what is a fatwa?

A fatwa is a death sentence
handed out by the ayatollah.

And this is a comedy?

- Yes, yes.
- Okay. All right.

It's a musical comedy.

The ayatollah's in it.

Oh, the ayatollah is in it?

Of course the ayatollah
is in it.

How can you have a fatwa
without an ayatollah?

You do need
an ayatollah, right.

What appeals to you
about the ayatollah?

The whole... you know,
the denunciation.

There's a lot of
denunciation going on.

- The denunciation, okay.
- All day long, he's denunciating.

- He does do a lot of that.
- He does a lot of this, a lot of, you know.

- Uh-huh.
- By the way, I just did it four times.

I started to get
denunciation elbows.

- You have to be careful.
- Yeah, you gotta be careful.

- You can kill yourself.
- It's not easy to be the ayatollah.

It requires a lot of energy.
Yeah, yeah.

How many ayatollahs are there?
Are there only one ayatollah?

Well, now there's
only one ayatollah,

and they all seem to
have the same name

and they all seem to
spell it the same way.

And you never know... if you
look at the history of ayatollahs,

they... it all seems
like one person.

- Yeah, yeah.
- They all look exactly the same,

and their names are Khamenei,
Khameeni, Khomani.

In a way, it's like the way KFC

has the different comedians
play Colonel Sanders.

- Yes.. yes. It's the same thing.
- What else about the ayatollah do you know?

He's, uh...
he doesn't like Waze.

He likes... he likes to...
he likes to navigate on his own, you know?

- Oh, Waze, okay.
- Yeah, he doesn't like Waze.

He gets in the car. Don't tell...
don't give him any direction.

He doesn't like
to be told things.

"I know how to go.

The Waze takes me to...
to El Mansour Boulevard

and gives me a left turn in
rush hour. No good." You know.

I feel like maybe I've been
in an Uber with the ayatollah,

'cause I've heard
this very same dialogue.

- That's possible. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you know about
the ayatollah's life?

Like, does he...
does he eat cereal?

He loves granola.

- He does?
- Yes.

Well, well. Look at you.

You got here ahead of me.
I can't believe it.

God damn right.
I'm doing my fucking dizzle, baby.

Jesus, you're... you're workin'.

Hey, that ayatollah bit you did on
"Kimmel" was fucking great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You liked it?
- I fuckin' loved it.

Oh, good.

Larry David's office.
What's up?

- Let me speak to Larry.
- It's Jeff.

Okay, transfer it to here.

How?

- I don't know.
- What's taking so long? Get Larry!

Hold on, Jeff. Hold on.

- Hey.
- Turn on the TV!

- What channel?
- Every channel!

Every goddamn channel!

You're a complete
and total fuck-up.

You're a total, total fuck-up.

Larry David, who you may know as
the co-creator of "Seinfeld,"

went on "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
last night

to talk about his new
musical called "Fatwa!"

in which the ayatollah
is one of the main characters.

There's a small harem. Uh, he
has a fetish for redheads.

And twice a year, he goes to
Ireland on a harem shopping spree.

Today, the Ayatollah
Abdullah Kazemaini of Iran

has accused Larry David
of blasphemy,

issuing an actual fatwa and calling
for the death of the comedian.

Here's what the ayatollah
had to say.

...Larry David.

..."Seinfeld."

- What the fuck?!
- "What the fuck" is right.

No one would dare insult

the sacred beliefs of Muslims,

nor disparage our honour.

I didn't disparage.
There was no disparage.

- You did disparage.
- No, no. I didn't disparage!

I begged you not to
imitate the ayatollah.

- No, you didn't!
- I told Leon.

I said you got to get
this message to him.

Jeff told you to tell me
not to do the ayatollah?

I didn't fucking remember. How the
fuck am I gonna remember that shit?

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

- I didn't know what the fuck...
- Oh, my God! What the fuck?!

...Larry David!

So I call on valiant Muslims,

wherever they may be,

to kill Larry David
without delay.

What?!

And whoever may die in this
cause will be a martyr.

No! I'll repent!
I'll be punished!

Even if Larry David repents,
he will be condemned to death.

I'll... I'll convert!
I'll become a Muslim!

Even if Larry David
converts to Islam,

he should still be sent to hell.

- Jeff!
- You got a fucking fatwa!

- I got a fatwa!
- You got fatwa'd!

No!

Gentlemen, the FBI takes
this very seriously.

But it's nothing that you
really need to worry about.

What the... that's
so easy for you to say.

I... the ayatollah
mentioned my name.

The fucking guy was on
television, screaming my name.

Larry David!

Larry David!

I'm doing Spanish,
it sounds like.

Larry David!

Quick question. Um, what about
friends of people that have fatwas?

Fatwa by association.

What kind of fucking
question is that?

- Do I associate with you?
- Yeah.

Okay. I wanna know what
my situation is.

Fatwa by association.
What do you know about it?

- You're fine as well.
- I am?

- You're fine.
- Hey, I got an idea.

I go on the "Jimmy Kimmel"
show and I apologize.

- I apologize to the ayatollah.
- You think I didn't think of that?

I've already talked
to the "Kimmel" show.

They want nothing
to do with you.

This whole thing's
falling apart.

Every "Fatwa!" producer
has called me.

This is all dead.

Hey.

- It's me.
- Holy shit.

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

- I'm wearing a disguise.
- You think that's gonna help?

Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.
What am I supposed to do?

Disguises have been employed
effectively in the past.

Tyra Banks dressed up
as a fat person on her show

to see what it's
like being fat.

Needless to say,
it wasn't very pleasant.

Have you ever seen
"Undercover Boss"?

The guy goes undercover,
nobody even knows who he is.

He's the boss of the whole company.
He fools everybody.

Well, you know what
the good news is?

I'm still alive.

You know what?

That's not funny.

- It's not funny.
- You know, you're a comedian.

You should be able
to take a joke.

What, you're comparing this
to your dead parakeet?

- Nothing compares to my dead parakeet.
- Yeah.

Larry David!

- I know you're in here. I saw your car.
- Holy shit.

- Fatwa?
- No, lesbian bride.

Larry David?
Where the fuck are you, Larry?

Prepare to die, baldy.

I know you're in here, Larry!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!

And the next time a door's ajar,

maybe stay the fuck out!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Larry fucking David!

Fatwa?!

No, cocksucker. Foisted!

I can't go back to the house.
I gotta move or sell the house.

You can't sell the house.

A lot of my ladies know
I live there already.

You gonna set me back
two or three years.

My nephew Kenny, the jewel
of the Funkhouser family tree.

Is that so?

High school
all-American pitcher.

Kid's a pitcher?

Looks like he can't lift
a chess piece.

I must tell you something,
Mr. David.

The Ayatollah himself
is a bit of a close-talker.

Oh, I wouldn't want to get
too close to that guy,

to tell you the truth.

It doesn't look like
he's popping Lifesavers

in his mouth all day long.