All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E02 The.Pickle Gambit

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,194 --> 00:00:30,653 Larry, it's Leon! 2 00:00:37,486 --> 00:00:38,778 The fuck? 3 00:00:40,653 --> 00:00:43,401 What's going on, man? 4 00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:45,902 It's fucking crazy in this fucking room. 5 00:00:45,903 --> 00:00:48,735 What are these motherfucking shades, man? 6 00:00:48,736 --> 00:00:50,943 Oh, my God. 7 00:00:50,944 --> 00:00:53,109 You need sunlight, man. You turning white. 8 00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:56,693 - The fuck is going on? - What are you doing? 9 00:00:56,694 --> 00:00:58,943 What? I'm in a hotel. 10 00:00:58,944 --> 00:01:00,485 You think you're safe in a hotel? 11 00:01:00,486 --> 00:01:01,818 I think I'm safer here than in my house. 12 00:01:01,819 --> 00:01:02,943 The bottom line is this, Larry... 13 00:01:02,944 --> 00:01:04,568 you can't fucking hide here. 14 00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:06,652 These motherfuckers want you, they're gonna come and get you. 15 00:01:06,653 --> 00:01:08,652 Cut your fucking hands off, cut your feet off, 16 00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:09,860 put your feet in your back pockets, 17 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,151 put your hands in your front pockets, 18 00:01:11,152 --> 00:01:12,443 and then carry your ass out of here 19 00:01:12,444 --> 00:01:13,610 like a piecem of fucking luggage. 20 00:01:13,611 --> 00:01:14,984 How are you helping? 21 00:01:14,985 --> 00:01:16,360 I'm just letting him know what happens. 22 00:01:16,361 --> 00:01:17,652 You don't need this shit. 23 00:01:17,653 --> 00:01:19,026 You go to your house. No one's coming. 24 00:01:19,027 --> 00:01:21,818 I talked to the FBI guy. He's not gonna lie. 25 00:01:21,819 --> 00:01:23,151 No one is coming. 26 00:01:23,152 --> 00:01:25,860 But I can't go back to the house. 27 00:01:25,861 --> 00:01:28,318 I gotta move or sell the house or something. 28 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,610 No, no, no, no. You can't fucking sell the house. 29 00:01:30,611 --> 00:01:32,234 All of my ladies know I live there already. 30 00:01:32,235 --> 00:01:33,860 You're gonna set me back two or three years. 31 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,984 No, fucking stay there. You fucking stay. 32 00:01:35,985 --> 00:01:40,652 Get back to your life. Get back on the horse now! 33 00:01:40,653 --> 00:01:42,694 - Okay, give me two minutes. - Yeah. 34 00:01:43,985 --> 00:01:45,653 - Proud of ya. - My man. 35 00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:11,735 Ah. 36 00:02:11,736 --> 00:02:14,026 I was there first. I should've got that. 37 00:02:14,027 --> 00:02:16,860 I was too busy looking in the mirror 'cause I'm so vain. 38 00:02:16,861 --> 00:02:18,860 It's no big deal. I got it. 39 00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:20,360 Thank you, thank you. 40 00:02:20,361 --> 00:02:22,443 Well, look at you. 41 00:02:22,444 --> 00:02:24,526 Look at me. 42 00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:25,903 May I ask you a question? 43 00:02:27,069 --> 00:02:29,943 - Sure. - Why this outfit? 44 00:02:29,944 --> 00:02:32,777 It seems that women in your profession, 45 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,902 they... they dress like this for some reason. 46 00:02:34,903 --> 00:02:37,777 Why not look wholesome? Why double down on the seediness? 47 00:02:37,778 --> 00:02:39,735 I think I look really good. 48 00:02:39,736 --> 00:02:41,401 - Mm. Mm. - No? 49 00:02:41,402 --> 00:02:43,401 Mm, I mean, look at dentists. 50 00:02:43,402 --> 00:02:45,652 They don't walk around with their smocks on 51 00:02:45,653 --> 00:02:47,735 when they're not in... when they're not in their office. 52 00:02:47,736 --> 00:02:49,576 This is a hooker smock is what you got on. 53 00:02:49,577 --> 00:02:50,777 I'm a hooker. 54 00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:53,068 I know, but you don't have to show everybody. 55 00:02:53,069 --> 00:02:55,610 - I don't? - No! People like a mystery. 56 00:02:55,611 --> 00:03:00,109 Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know? 57 00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:03,068 All right, well, first of all, I'm... I'm not able to afford 58 00:03:03,069 --> 00:03:06,193 a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, so that's not gonna happen. 59 00:03:06,194 --> 00:03:08,068 You're not able to afford it now, 60 00:03:08,069 --> 00:03:12,276 but get one dress and I guarantee you in six months, 61 00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:16,777 your closet will be packed with dresses like that. 62 00:03:16,778 --> 00:03:18,318 Really? 63 00:03:18,319 --> 00:03:20,193 Absolutely. 64 00:03:20,194 --> 00:03:22,526 Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away. 65 00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:23,984 Yeah, put... put the tits away. 66 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,234 - Animal prints gone. - Yeah. 67 00:03:25,235 --> 00:03:27,109 - No more hooker boots. - None. Zero. 68 00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:29,276 - Fishnets, out of here. - Out. 69 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:32,026 - I think I could do this. - I think business is gonna boom. 70 00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,026 - I really do. - Thank you so much. 71 00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:36,109 - Oh, well... - Oh. 72 00:03:36,110 --> 00:03:39,693 I... I'm so thrilled about this whole thing. Good luck! 73 00:03:39,694 --> 00:03:41,443 Good luck! You can do it! 74 00:03:41,444 --> 00:03:43,526 - Hi. - Hi. 75 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,568 I'm checking out a lot earlier than I had anticipated. 76 00:03:46,569 --> 00:03:48,984 - Oh, we hate to see you go. - Okay, 1003. 77 00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:51,777 1003. And what is the name on 1003? 78 00:03:51,778 --> 00:03:53,611 Buck Dancer. 79 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:58,401 Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer, let me just bring that up. 80 00:03:58,402 --> 00:03:59,902 I hope you enjoyed your stay. 81 00:03:59,903 --> 00:04:01,902 Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine. 82 00:04:01,903 --> 00:04:03,568 Okay, well, be sure to visit our website. 83 00:04:03,569 --> 00:04:05,818 You can always give us some feedback. We love notes. 84 00:04:05,819 --> 00:04:07,485 - Don't tuck in. - The sheets? 85 00:04:07,486 --> 00:04:09,026 - Don't tuck in? - Yeah, don't... don't tuck in. 86 00:04:09,027 --> 00:04:10,860 - Too tight for you? - Who sleeps like that? 87 00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,485 It's suffocating. 88 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,610 - You're right. - It's absolutely suffocating. 89 00:04:14,611 --> 00:04:16,902 Don't tuck. I will take that note on advisement. 90 00:04:16,903 --> 00:04:19,276 Those cookies, those are for guests? 91 00:04:19,277 --> 00:04:21,193 Oh, absolutely, yes. We have a wonderful pastry chef. 92 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,777 - Let me know if you need a box. - Thank you. 93 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:41,151 Ah, I see you went for the big ones, Mr. Dancer, right? 94 00:04:41,152 --> 00:04:43,192 Yes, yes, I got the first. 95 00:04:43,193 --> 00:04:45,193 Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious. 96 00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:46,902 Uh, just, if I may, 97 00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:50,693 we ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies. 98 00:04:50,694 --> 00:04:53,234 Tongs? Yes, yes, I saw the tongs there. 99 00:04:53,235 --> 00:04:55,735 I eschewed the tongs deliberately 100 00:04:55,736 --> 00:04:58,818 because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies. 101 00:04:58,819 --> 00:05:00,735 They... they crumble the cookie. 102 00:05:00,736 --> 00:05:02,526 It's not a good system, the tong. 103 00:05:02,527 --> 00:05:05,318 Uh, we just ask, you know, that you use the tongs, 104 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:06,777 which we sort of provide there on the plate, 105 00:05:06,778 --> 00:05:08,318 you know, just for sanitary reasons. 106 00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:09,860 Here, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. 107 00:05:09,861 --> 00:05:11,860 I'll take my second cookie with the tongs... 108 00:05:11,861 --> 00:05:13,693 - Thank you. - ...all right? 109 00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:15,736 Perfect. Great. 110 00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,568 Seem to be making a moment of it, 111 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,234 - but I'll let you have it. - I wasn't making a moment. 112 00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:22,902 It's just it's hard to hold it. 113 00:05:22,903 --> 00:05:25,234 Let me ask you this question... 114 00:05:25,235 --> 00:05:26,568 who put you in charge of the cookies? 115 00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:27,693 Do you oversee the cookies? 116 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,193 I was given explicit instructions 117 00:05:29,194 --> 00:05:31,610 to look over the lobby, which is my jurisdiction. 118 00:05:31,611 --> 00:05:33,526 So, yes, I oversee the cookies. 119 00:05:33,527 --> 00:05:37,068 Okay, I... I don't think this is within your jurisdiction. 120 00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:38,777 Well, uh, Mr. Dancer, 121 00:05:38,778 --> 00:05:42,026 I have enjoyed spending so much time with you, 122 00:05:42,027 --> 00:05:44,276 and thank you for all your wonderful notes, 123 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,193 and, uh, we hope to see you again. 124 00:05:47,194 --> 00:05:49,568 You say the pastry chef made these? 125 00:05:49,569 --> 00:05:51,568 Oh, yes. They're wonderful. 126 00:05:51,569 --> 00:05:53,401 I got news for you, pal. 127 00:05:53,402 --> 00:05:54,984 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 128 00:05:54,985 --> 00:05:56,443 - Okay? - I... 129 00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:57,984 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie, that's it. 130 00:05:57,985 --> 00:05:59,109 Well, I will go to that pastry chef 131 00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,360 and I will confront him about it. 132 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,693 Don't tell people these are 133 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,943 home-made cookies by a pastry chef. 134 00:06:02,944 --> 00:06:05,151 - Okay, no, I... - Okay. 135 00:06:05,152 --> 00:06:07,193 - I wouldn't and I didn't. - This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 136 00:06:07,194 --> 00:06:08,943 I don't believe those are Pepperidge Farm cookies. 137 00:06:08,944 --> 00:06:10,109 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 138 00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:11,318 All right, Mr. Dancer, well, 139 00:06:11,319 --> 00:06:13,318 I will take that into account... 140 00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:15,410 I'm a little disappointed. I could buy this in the grocery store 141 00:06:15,411 --> 00:06:17,010 on my way home, so. 142 00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:17,567 Okay. 143 00:06:17,568 --> 00:06:19,568 But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm. 144 00:06:19,569 --> 00:06:21,485 - Fine, great, okay. - Okay, great. Thank you so much. 145 00:06:21,486 --> 00:06:26,235 Linda, can we get these cookies out of the way that he touched? 146 00:06:30,194 --> 00:06:32,443 I don't want you to use these doors anymore. You got that? 147 00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:35,110 - They call this shit "overreacting." - Is the alarm working? 148 00:06:36,444 --> 00:06:38,443 You should worry about that goddamn fireplace. 149 00:06:38,444 --> 00:06:40,276 You're gonna fuck around and forget, 150 00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:43,276 and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass. 151 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,902 What is this shit? What are you eating? 152 00:06:44,903 --> 00:06:46,902 - Beef sticks. - Beef stick? 153 00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:48,276 You know how bad that is for you? 154 00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:49,652 Have you ever read the ingredients? 155 00:06:49,653 --> 00:06:51,443 Have you ever tried one of these motherfuckers? 156 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:52,984 - They're fucking delicious. - They're disgusting. 157 00:06:52,985 --> 00:06:54,485 Look, beef, of course, 158 00:06:54,486 --> 00:06:57,276 molasses, wheat, brown sugar. 159 00:06:57,277 --> 00:06:59,318 Brown fucking sugar. I love fucking brown sugar. 160 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,610 You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar? 161 00:07:02,611 --> 00:07:05,652 Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white. 162 00:07:05,653 --> 00:07:07,526 - Pants? - Of fucking course. 163 00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:10,860 Fuck. Okay, get the door. 164 00:07:10,861 --> 00:07:14,068 - Give me this thing. - Don't you... don't you bitch up. 165 00:07:14,069 --> 00:07:16,318 Ask who it is. Don't forget. 166 00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:18,611 I'll answer the door. 167 00:07:21,069 --> 00:07:22,984 - Funkhouser. - Oh. 168 00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,193 - Hi. Kenny. - What's up, Kenny? 169 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,693 - Hi, Leon. How you doing? - Hey, man. 170 00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:28,360 Hey, Funk-man. 171 00:07:28,361 --> 00:07:30,443 LD, come down here. 172 00:07:30,444 --> 00:07:33,026 - To what do I owe the honor? - My nephew, Kenny. 173 00:07:33,027 --> 00:07:35,026 - Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi. - Pleasure to meet you. 174 00:07:35,027 --> 00:07:37,260 The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree. 175 00:07:37,261 --> 00:07:38,360 Is that so? 176 00:07:38,361 --> 00:07:40,652 - That is so. - Huh, how about that. 177 00:07:40,653 --> 00:07:43,401 - Straight-A student, okay? - Mm. 178 00:07:43,402 --> 00:07:45,610 Member of six clubs in high school... 179 00:07:45,611 --> 00:07:46,943 runs them all. 180 00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:51,026 He was just voted high school All-American pitcher. 181 00:07:51,027 --> 00:07:52,360 - All right. - One-of-a-kind. 182 00:07:52,361 --> 00:07:54,068 - Okay. Yeah. - Now, wait a minute! 183 00:07:54,069 --> 00:07:56,526 If he nails his SATs, which he will... 184 00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:57,584 Mm-hmm. 185 00:07:57,585 --> 00:07:59,984 ...he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship. 186 00:07:59,985 --> 00:08:03,318 I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day. 187 00:08:03,319 --> 00:08:05,860 Well, I mean, I just work hard and... 188 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:08,860 I'm saying you're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something. 189 00:08:08,861 --> 00:08:11,693 - You ever see that movie? - Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump." 190 00:08:11,694 --> 00:08:13,318 That motherfucker lived a life. 191 00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,860 I mean, I'm not... I'm not running across the country. 192 00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:18,360 - You ever see a titty? - What's the matter with you? 193 00:08:18,361 --> 00:08:19,735 What kind of a question is that? 194 00:08:19,736 --> 00:08:22,526 Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by. 195 00:08:22,527 --> 00:08:24,234 - Nice to meet you. - Thank you. 196 00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:27,026 We... we were just about to eat, so I'll see you, uh... 197 00:08:27,027 --> 00:08:29,401 - I'd love a sandwich. - Me, too. 198 00:08:29,402 --> 00:08:31,360 - I'm starved. - I don't wanna impose, though. 199 00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,777 We got a lot of meats, man. All kind of shits in that fridge. 200 00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:35,026 - Let's do it. - Yeah! 201 00:08:35,027 --> 00:08:36,485 - Come on. - Oh, thank you. 202 00:08:36,486 --> 00:08:38,652 You like bologna and shit? 203 00:08:38,653 --> 00:08:40,401 - Are you fucking kidding me? - You couldn't... 204 00:08:40,402 --> 00:08:42,234 - let me tell you something. - This kid's a pitcher? 205 00:08:42,235 --> 00:08:43,443 Let's get off that. 206 00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:44,902 Looks like he can't lift a chess piece. 207 00:08:44,903 --> 00:08:46,693 Yeah, you'd have a good time hitting him. 208 00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,276 Here, try that mustard. It's dope. 209 00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:51,193 Larry has all kind of goodies in here. 210 00:08:51,194 --> 00:08:53,485 All kind of cheeses and meats. 211 00:08:53,486 --> 00:08:55,443 - What are you making? - Sandwiches, baby. 212 00:08:55,444 --> 00:08:58,610 - Who wants a pickle? - Pickles! I want pickles. 213 00:08:58,611 --> 00:09:00,263 You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right? 214 00:09:00,264 --> 00:09:00,923 No! 215 00:09:02,402 --> 00:09:04,193 - Tap it, tap it. - Yeah. 216 00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:06,360 Do you need any help? I got it, I got it. 217 00:09:06,361 --> 00:09:08,777 Everybody's gotta be the hero with a pickle jar. 218 00:09:08,778 --> 00:09:10,276 Everybody wants to open it. 219 00:09:10,277 --> 00:09:12,610 You just gotta hit it up. 220 00:09:12,611 --> 00:09:15,984 - Here, give it to the big Funk. - No, little Funk's got it, okay? 221 00:09:15,985 --> 00:09:17,902 - Come on, let me take a shot at it. - No. 222 00:09:17,903 --> 00:09:19,443 - What are you doing, Kenny? - No, I got it! 223 00:09:19,444 --> 00:09:21,443 - Kenny, give me the jar! - I got it. Ooh! Oh! 224 00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:23,276 - Shit. - What happened? 225 00:09:23,277 --> 00:09:25,318 - I think I heard it crack. - Your pitching arm? 226 00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:26,984 - Yeah, that's my pitching arm. - Oh, my God. 227 00:09:26,985 --> 00:09:29,068 We gotta go to the hospital. 228 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,360 - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Oh, shut up. 229 00:09:31,361 --> 00:09:32,568 It was an accident! 230 00:09:32,569 --> 00:09:34,568 I never should've brought him over here! 231 00:09:34,569 --> 00:09:36,984 He tried to open the pickles, so he took the jar from him, 232 00:09:36,985 --> 00:09:40,485 - and you tried to get it from him, too! - You're trying to do too much. 233 00:09:40,486 --> 00:09:42,360 Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy. 234 00:09:42,361 --> 00:09:44,527 - You're doing too much! - Sorry! 235 00:09:48,527 --> 00:09:51,319 You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge. 236 00:09:56,277 --> 00:09:57,568 What do you know? 237 00:09:57,569 --> 00:09:58,693 What do you know? 238 00:10:01,569 --> 00:10:03,151 Oh, darling, you're cold. Here. 239 00:10:03,152 --> 00:10:04,861 - Here, put this around you. - I'm just excited. 240 00:10:09,694 --> 00:10:12,401 Well, that's what they want me to do. 241 00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:14,735 - I've got a ticket here... - What's up, Larry? 242 00:10:14,736 --> 00:10:16,902 Yeah. 243 00:10:16,903 --> 00:10:19,568 I had a horrible night last night. 244 00:10:19,569 --> 00:10:21,109 Horrible. 245 00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:23,193 I couldn't sleep, was up all night. 246 00:10:23,194 --> 00:10:26,026 I heard... I heard someone at the gate. 247 00:10:26,027 --> 00:10:31,234 I heard voices and somebody creeping around the house. 248 00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:33,193 It, like, freaked me out. 249 00:10:33,194 --> 00:10:35,526 Well, you know what? There was a lot of shit going on last night. 250 00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,234 I had a little lady friend come over. 251 00:10:37,235 --> 00:10:40,109 You know, her girlfriend's waiting outside in the car, 252 00:10:40,110 --> 00:10:42,943 the kid's in the back seat, jumping around and shit. 253 00:10:42,944 --> 00:10:44,693 You know? 254 00:10:44,694 --> 00:10:46,610 And then I had the pizza guy come over. He came over... 255 00:10:46,611 --> 00:10:49,610 Okay, so... so it was you. So you kept me up, essentially. 256 00:10:49,611 --> 00:10:52,193 I didn't keep you up. Just some normal shit that I do. 257 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:55,735 I need some... I need some security in the house. 258 00:10:55,736 --> 00:10:58,943 You know, like a... I gotta hire, like, a Pinkerton guard or something. 259 00:10:58,944 --> 00:11:00,902 You don't need no Pinkerton guard. 260 00:11:00,903 --> 00:11:02,943 You know what? I'll tell you what. 261 00:11:02,944 --> 00:11:05,318 - Let me handle this shit. - You're... you're gonna hire somebody? 262 00:11:05,319 --> 00:11:07,401 - What are you gonna do? - What if I get somebody half the price 263 00:11:07,402 --> 00:11:09,401 of that Pinkerton motherfucker? 264 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,234 I'm gonna take care of all this security shit you're worried about, okay? 265 00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:15,068 I'm gonna get you... get you back to being Larry. 266 00:11:15,069 --> 00:11:18,360 Sitting around here, looking all frumpy and shit. 267 00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:20,735 Well, no, the only reason I'm wearing this bathrobe 268 00:11:20,736 --> 00:11:22,818 is because I left my pajama bottoms... 269 00:11:22,819 --> 00:11:24,276 you know, those red flannel pajamas? 270 00:11:24,277 --> 00:11:26,276 - Right. - I left them at the hotel. 271 00:11:26,277 --> 00:11:28,610 I can't leave a hotel room without leaving something behind. 272 00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:30,652 Never fails. 273 00:11:30,653 --> 00:11:33,151 - Oh. - Are you expecting somebody? 274 00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:34,652 I'm always expecting somebody. 275 00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,735 If they show the fuck up, they show the fuck up. 276 00:11:36,736 --> 00:11:39,151 Goodbye, darling. 277 00:11:39,152 --> 00:11:41,276 - Excuse me a minute. - He's all right, you know. 278 00:11:41,277 --> 00:11:43,610 - He's gonna be all right. - Hey! 279 00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,443 - He's alive! - Oh! 280 00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,193 - Hey, buddy. - How you doing? 281 00:11:47,194 --> 00:11:48,818 I'm all right. How are you doing? 282 00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:51,276 Oh, God, I'm a mess. 283 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,443 - Yeah, so bad. - I'd be terrified. 284 00:11:53,444 --> 00:11:55,693 Yeah, and the worst part is the musical's off. 285 00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:57,526 - Oh, you're kidding me. - No. 286 00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,443 It was such a funny idea. 287 00:11:59,444 --> 00:12:01,443 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 288 00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:03,652 - Um... - Nice of you to come over, though, 289 00:12:03,653 --> 00:12:05,276 and, uh, say hi. 290 00:12:05,277 --> 00:12:07,151 - That's really sweet of you. - No. 291 00:12:07,152 --> 00:12:08,777 I really appreciate it. Thank you. 292 00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:09,902 Yeah, you're welcome. 293 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,777 Um, actually, you know what? 294 00:12:14,152 --> 00:12:16,777 All right, I'm full of shit. 295 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,151 The truth is I'm here to ask... 296 00:12:19,152 --> 00:12:22,486 I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl. 297 00:12:23,778 --> 00:12:25,818 Boom. 298 00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:29,151 - Wow. - Wow? 299 00:12:29,152 --> 00:12:32,276 Yeah, you come over here under these false pretenses 300 00:12:32,277 --> 00:12:34,652 to, oh... to see how I'm doing, 301 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,485 and... and you wanna date... no! 302 00:12:37,486 --> 00:12:39,109 No, I... no, no, I... 303 00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:42,318 if you're asking me can you date Cheryl, I'd say no. 304 00:12:42,319 --> 00:12:44,151 Let... let's just step back just a second. 305 00:12:44,152 --> 00:12:46,276 This is a surprise to me, too. 306 00:12:46,277 --> 00:12:49,360 We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak around behind your back. 307 00:12:49,361 --> 00:12:52,984 I need to, like... to go with my impulses, 308 00:12:52,985 --> 00:12:56,818 and my impulse is I wanna... I wanna go out with your ex-wife. 309 00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,777 How would you like it if I went out with Mary, huh? 310 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,318 - Would you like that? - Don't be stupid. 311 00:13:00,319 --> 00:13:01,652 What does that mean? 312 00:13:01,653 --> 00:13:03,485 It means you're... 313 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:07,652 you wanna call my ex-wife, Mary Steenburgen... 314 00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:10,485 Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out? 315 00:13:10,486 --> 00:13:11,485 Oh. 316 00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:15,777 Oh, Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen? 317 00:13:15,778 --> 00:13:18,818 - I... I just... - Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it? 318 00:13:18,819 --> 00:13:22,193 I didn't say that, but there's something in there. 319 00:13:22,194 --> 00:13:23,860 Oh, okay, all right. 320 00:13:23,861 --> 00:13:25,777 You know what? I'll call her right now. How's that? 321 00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,652 How's that? I'll call Mary. 322 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:29,443 - Fine. - Okay? Okay? 323 00:13:29,444 --> 00:13:31,151 You want me to? 324 00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:32,610 - Do it. - Okay. 325 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,361 But then can we get back to this real subject? 326 00:13:37,194 --> 00:13:38,818 Mary! 327 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,318 - I can't believe it. - Hey, it's Larry David. 328 00:13:41,319 --> 00:13:43,151 - Hi, Larry! - Hey! 329 00:13:43,152 --> 00:13:44,902 - How you doing? - Good, good. 330 00:13:44,903 --> 00:13:47,860 Hey, Mar, um, let... let me ask you something. 331 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,735 You know what's going on with Ted and Cheryl? 332 00:13:50,736 --> 00:13:54,610 Ted told me he was interested in seeing her 333 00:13:54,611 --> 00:13:56,610 and I told him to go for it. 334 00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:59,360 Well, um... 335 00:13:59,361 --> 00:14:01,735 I was kind of wondering... 336 00:14:03,319 --> 00:14:05,984 ...you know, if he's gonna go out with her, 337 00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:09,401 why, uh... why don't you go out with me? 338 00:14:11,361 --> 00:14:13,568 Wow, Lar. 339 00:14:13,569 --> 00:14:15,234 Oh, my gosh. 340 00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:18,109 Um, I just... 341 00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:20,068 God, I love you so much. 342 00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:24,610 I don't know if we have anything in common that way, you know? 343 00:14:24,611 --> 00:14:26,276 - Do you think? - Well, we're both people. 344 00:14:26,277 --> 00:14:28,610 We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat, 345 00:14:28,611 --> 00:14:30,610 so we have... we have that in common. 346 00:14:30,611 --> 00:14:33,568 Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody, 347 00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:36,526 but I was... I was just meaning, like, you know, 348 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:39,984 maybe you're just not my physical type. 349 00:14:39,985 --> 00:14:42,818 Sure. Sure, I understand. 350 00:14:42,819 --> 00:14:46,234 Hope we can have lunch or go shopping 351 00:14:46,235 --> 00:14:48,276 or do something together soon. 352 00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:50,736 - Okay, okay. Okay, bye. - Bye, Lar. 353 00:14:53,653 --> 00:14:55,943 - What'd she say? - No. 354 00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:58,943 - Mm. - Not really her type. 355 00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:00,569 - Huh. - At least, physically. 356 00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,652 - Okay. Well, hey... - Yeah. 357 00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:07,610 - So, you gonna go ahead with this? - Yeah, yeah. 358 00:15:07,611 --> 00:15:08,634 Okay. 359 00:15:08,635 --> 00:15:11,234 You should know that she doesn't give blow jobs. 360 00:15:11,235 --> 00:15:13,401 - Just... - That's okay. 361 00:15:13,402 --> 00:15:15,109 Okay? Sex only in the dark. 362 00:15:15,110 --> 00:15:16,860 She's a little revolted by the penis. 363 00:15:16,861 --> 00:15:18,610 - Really? - She won't look at it. 364 00:15:18,611 --> 00:15:20,984 - She won't even touch it, okay? - Well, maybe that's changed. 365 00:15:20,985 --> 00:15:23,610 - It won't change, okay? - All right, good luck with the fatwa. 366 00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:25,985 Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being so concerned about it. 367 00:15:57,653 --> 00:16:00,526 - You're in trouble, Larry. - Yeah. Yeah! 368 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,694 I know. Tell me about it. 369 00:16:03,235 --> 00:16:04,443 - I like that. - Oh, yeah? 370 00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:06,276 Yeah, hides the Jew. 371 00:16:06,277 --> 00:16:07,902 Ah, thank you. 372 00:16:07,903 --> 00:16:09,943 Thank you. That's lovely. 373 00:16:09,944 --> 00:16:12,109 Lovely compliment. Thank you very much. 374 00:16:12,110 --> 00:16:14,068 - Very sweet. - What are you doing here, Larry? 375 00:16:14,069 --> 00:16:16,193 - Huh? - Well, you know... 376 00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:17,194 What? 377 00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:18,360 ...this has been very, very difficult for me. 378 00:16:18,361 --> 00:16:20,693 And I'm thinking, who can help me? I don't know any Muslims. 379 00:16:20,694 --> 00:16:23,943 They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli. 380 00:16:23,944 --> 00:16:27,068 Am I supposed to go into a mosque and then start chatting them up? 381 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,276 Sure, maybe I can make a little more effort to seek them out, 382 00:16:29,277 --> 00:16:30,902 but they're not really coming up to me either! 383 00:16:30,903 --> 00:16:33,069 Do you need my help, Larry? 384 00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:37,068 Yes. 385 00:16:37,069 --> 00:16:37,903 Yes. 386 00:16:40,069 --> 00:16:41,735 - I know people. - You do? 387 00:16:41,736 --> 00:16:45,151 - Mm, I know people. - Imams, mufti? 388 00:16:45,152 --> 00:16:46,943 - "Moofti." - "Moofti"? 389 00:16:46,944 --> 00:16:48,902 - "Moofti." - It's "moofti." Huh. 390 00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,234 I always thought it was "muffti." 391 00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:54,943 Anyway, so do you know a mufti? 392 00:16:54,944 --> 00:16:57,068 - I know other people. - Who? Who do you know? 393 00:16:57,069 --> 00:16:58,361 I know the consul of Iran. 394 00:16:59,861 --> 00:17:01,569 You know the consul? 395 00:17:02,736 --> 00:17:04,443 - Is that so? - Yes. 396 00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:06,818 Look at you! You are really something! 397 00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:09,276 - Eh. - How do you know the consul? 398 00:17:09,277 --> 00:17:11,109 I have my connections. 399 00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:14,443 Are you a... are you a plotter? 400 00:17:14,444 --> 00:17:16,193 Are you one of the plotters? 401 00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:19,777 - Do you plot? - I've plotted before. 402 00:17:19,778 --> 00:17:21,943 - You've plotted? - I've plotted. 403 00:17:21,944 --> 00:17:22,819 Wow. 404 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,944 You're on my side, right? 405 00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:31,860 Fuck me, you godless fuck! 406 00:17:31,861 --> 00:17:33,610 You infidel fucking Jew! 407 00:17:33,611 --> 00:17:35,318 Try and keep it kosher, could you? 408 00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,943 You fatwa fucking bastard! 409 00:17:37,944 --> 00:17:41,276 - I'm a fatwa fuck. - Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry. 410 00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,777 Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam! 411 00:17:44,778 --> 00:17:47,068 Donald Trump! 412 00:17:47,069 --> 00:17:48,276 Steve Bannon! 413 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:49,652 Jared Kushner! 414 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:51,068 Mike Pence! 415 00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:52,902 Kellyanne Conway! 416 00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,485 - Mitch McConnell! - Yeah! 417 00:17:54,486 --> 00:17:57,485 Rudy Giuliani! 418 00:17:57,486 --> 00:17:59,109 Yeah, yeah! 419 00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:00,777 Rougher, Larry! Rougher! 420 00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,443 - Sentence me to an orgasm... - You're choking me! 421 00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:04,318 ...like you've been sentenced to death! 422 00:18:04,319 --> 00:18:06,068 Is this a fatwa! 423 00:18:06,069 --> 00:18:09,526 This is a fatwa! Fa-fa-fa-fatwa! 424 00:18:09,527 --> 00:18:11,818 Fatwa! Fatwa! 425 00:18:11,819 --> 00:18:13,652 Hey! Hey! 426 00:18:13,653 --> 00:18:15,735 No fatwa up in here! No fatwa! 427 00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:17,234 - What? - No fatwa! 428 00:18:17,235 --> 00:18:18,818 Yeah, Larry, that's Swat, your knew security. 429 00:18:18,819 --> 00:18:20,068 You can thank me later for that shit. 430 00:18:20,069 --> 00:18:21,485 Yeah, I'm not even gonna bring up 431 00:18:21,486 --> 00:18:23,276 the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses. 432 00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:24,985 Hey, Swat, break her ass in half! 433 00:18:29,653 --> 00:18:32,193 Hello, is this... is this Mr. Khashayar? 434 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,526 Yes, this is he. 435 00:18:33,527 --> 00:18:35,526 Yeah, this is, um... this is Larry David. 436 00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:38,151 I'm a friend of Shara Ghorbani. 437 00:18:38,152 --> 00:18:41,777 She said that perhaps there might be a way, 438 00:18:41,778 --> 00:18:44,276 you know, to set up a, uh... a meeting. 439 00:18:44,277 --> 00:18:47,610 It's better if you don't come here under the circumstances... 440 00:18:47,611 --> 00:18:48,609 Hey, Larry. 441 00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:53,109 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone. 442 00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:56,026 Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room. Where the towels at? 443 00:18:56,027 --> 00:18:58,526 They're down the hall in the linen closet. 444 00:18:58,527 --> 00:19:00,026 Yes, I'm sorry. 445 00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:03,026 I have two nincompoops in my house, unfortunately. 446 00:19:03,027 --> 00:19:05,860 - Anyway, so, um... - I would suggest a video conference. 447 00:19:05,861 --> 00:19:07,984 - Oh. - I can arrange for that if you like. 448 00:19:07,985 --> 00:19:09,193 Oh, you wanna set up a video call? 449 00:19:09,194 --> 00:19:11,276 Yeah, the video call would work great. 450 00:19:11,277 --> 00:19:13,401 - Yes, excellent. - Yeah. 451 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,526 Good. I will have one of my staff members contact you to arrange for it. 452 00:19:16,527 --> 00:19:17,777 - Yeah, I... - Hey, Larry! 453 00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,443 Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on one more sec. 454 00:19:19,444 --> 00:19:21,860 What the fuck is wrong with you? Shh, I'm on the phone! 455 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,902 This goddamn towel's hard as fuck, man. 456 00:19:23,903 --> 00:19:26,026 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone! 457 00:19:26,027 --> 00:19:27,735 I'll be there in a second. Shut up! 458 00:19:27,736 --> 00:19:28,984 These towels too rough, man. 459 00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:31,568 - I like a softer towel. - Hey, Swat? Swat? 460 00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:32,735 Shut up! 461 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,276 Yeah, I'm sorry. 462 00:19:34,277 --> 00:19:36,401 No, it's the nincompoops again. 463 00:19:36,402 --> 00:19:39,068 - Nincompoops? - I'll wait to hear from your office. 464 00:19:39,069 --> 00:19:41,526 - Larry! - As I said, they will be in contact. 465 00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:44,860 Yes, all right, thank you. - Goodbye, Mr. David. 466 00:19:44,861 --> 00:19:48,610 What's so important about these fucking towels? 467 00:19:48,611 --> 00:19:50,693 Look, these towels are a little too rough, man. 468 00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:51,902 I like a soft towel, Lar. 469 00:19:51,903 --> 00:19:53,360 He wants something more velvety. 470 00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:55,443 Velvet, it doesn't even dry you, velvet. 471 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,360 It doesn't... it doesn't get the water off. 472 00:19:57,361 --> 00:20:00,193 A harder, coarser towel works a lot better for drying. 473 00:20:00,194 --> 00:20:02,777 If I don't use something velvety, I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar. 474 00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,406 You want me to go shopping for towels? 475 00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:05,276 It'd be nice. 476 00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:07,443 The man's a guest in your house. He's your fucking security. 477 00:20:07,444 --> 00:20:09,443 - He's gonna take care of you. - By the way, 478 00:20:09,444 --> 00:20:11,443 you need to familiarize yourself with that. 479 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,610 - What? What is this? - It's a list. 480 00:20:13,611 --> 00:20:16,485 - Persimmons. You eat persimmons? - Antioxidants. 481 00:20:16,486 --> 00:20:18,568 No stone fruit? 482 00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:19,943 I'm telling you, they kill me, Larry. 483 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,943 I'll drop dead right on this fucking carpet. 484 00:20:21,944 --> 00:20:24,193 Even the "oals" will fuck me up. 485 00:20:24,194 --> 00:20:27,151 - Even the what? - The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up. 486 00:20:27,152 --> 00:20:29,777 If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, 487 00:20:29,778 --> 00:20:32,777 he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring no stone fruit in the fucking house. 488 00:20:32,778 --> 00:20:34,444 So now I can't have stone fruit? 489 00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,110 Yeah. 490 00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,526 Absolutely, we will send that right up. 491 00:20:44,527 --> 00:20:45,693 All right, thank you very much. 492 00:20:45,694 --> 00:20:48,151 - Hello. - Ah, Mr. Dancer. 493 00:20:48,152 --> 00:20:52,318 I'm sorry to report that I left a pair of pajama bottoms 494 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,652 in my room, which was 1003. 495 00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:58,151 - So, just pajama bottoms? - Fantastic pajamas, by the way. 496 00:20:58,152 --> 00:21:00,151 - I don't doubt it. - I mean, the best feature about them 497 00:21:00,152 --> 00:21:03,318 is that the flannel's thick, so they obfuscate the penis, 498 00:21:03,319 --> 00:21:06,068 so you could walk around with other people in the house 499 00:21:06,069 --> 00:21:07,485 and you don't see any flopping, 500 00:21:07,486 --> 00:21:09,777 as opposed to the pair that I have now, 501 00:21:09,778 --> 00:21:11,401 my... my second pair. 502 00:21:11,402 --> 00:21:12,984 - Okay. - A little thinner. 503 00:21:12,985 --> 00:21:15,693 You see the clear outline of the penis... very unpleasant. 504 00:21:15,694 --> 00:21:18,219 I will check in the back and I will be right with you. 505 00:21:18,220 --> 00:21:19,519 Thank you very much. 506 00:21:25,569 --> 00:21:27,193 Excuse me. 507 00:21:27,194 --> 00:21:29,026 Hi. 508 00:21:29,027 --> 00:21:31,902 Are you in charge of the... the cookies? 509 00:21:31,903 --> 00:21:33,735 Um, yeah, I guess so. 510 00:21:33,736 --> 00:21:36,193 So you oversee the whole cookie operation? 511 00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:38,526 Uh, I don't bake them, but I... 512 00:21:38,527 --> 00:21:40,652 Well, they're not baked, they're bought in a store. 513 00:21:40,653 --> 00:21:42,026 But that's neither here nor there. 514 00:21:42,027 --> 00:21:43,902 Let me just ask you about the display here. 515 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,984 - Okay. - Was this whole idea yours... 516 00:21:45,985 --> 00:21:48,735 the display, the tongs, the whole thing? 517 00:21:48,736 --> 00:21:50,485 - Um... - 'Cause I have to tell you, 518 00:21:50,486 --> 00:21:52,151 the tong is not a friend of the cookie 519 00:21:52,152 --> 00:21:53,818 by any stretch of the imagination. 520 00:21:53,819 --> 00:21:56,234 Okay, you must be Mr. Dancer. 521 00:21:56,235 --> 00:21:58,360 - Yes! Yes. - Yes. 522 00:21:58,361 --> 00:21:59,735 - I am. - Okay. 523 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,860 What I believe you should be thinking about 524 00:22:01,861 --> 00:22:03,568 is separating the cookies 525 00:22:03,569 --> 00:22:06,526 so people can use their fingers and not the tongs. 526 00:22:06,527 --> 00:22:08,360 No friend of the cookie. 527 00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:10,068 May I just demonstrate what I'm talking about? 528 00:22:10,069 --> 00:22:12,234 - No, sir, please don't. - Just watch how easy this is. 529 00:22:12,235 --> 00:22:14,568 - It's hotel policy. - You see how easy I picked that out? 530 00:22:14,569 --> 00:22:16,610 - It was so simple. - Mr. Dancer. 531 00:22:16,611 --> 00:22:19,151 I successfully was able to find your pajama bottoms, 532 00:22:19,152 --> 00:22:21,068 and I see that you are not using our tongs again. 533 00:22:21,069 --> 00:22:23,068 No, I was just merely demonstrating something... 534 00:22:23,069 --> 00:22:25,401 - I asked him to use the tongs. - I know you did, Claudia. 535 00:22:25,402 --> 00:22:26,084 Thank you very much. 536 00:22:26,085 --> 00:22:27,984 And by the way, you're not even in charge of the cookies. 537 00:22:27,985 --> 00:22:31,818 - Claudia is. - I asked you to please follow our policy, 538 00:22:31,819 --> 00:22:34,818 and you are no longer a guest here, actually, so I'm just now asking you 539 00:22:34,819 --> 00:22:37,401 - to just respect that. - Ah, what? 540 00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:38,610 What? 541 00:22:38,611 --> 00:22:40,068 Oh, my God! 542 00:22:40,069 --> 00:22:41,443 The tongs dropped on the floor, 543 00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:43,276 you put them back on the table? 544 00:22:43,277 --> 00:22:44,902 - I wiped them. - She wiped them. 545 00:22:44,903 --> 00:22:46,818 That's like eating off the floor! 546 00:22:46,819 --> 00:22:48,735 - It's the same thing! - It's not at all the same. 547 00:22:48,736 --> 00:22:51,443 It is the same thing! You might as well put the floor on the table! 548 00:22:51,444 --> 00:22:53,526 - Okay, you know what? - This is a disgrace! 549 00:22:53,527 --> 00:22:54,860 Okay, you know what is a disgrace, 550 00:22:54,861 --> 00:22:56,360 that we're having this conversation again. 551 00:22:56,361 --> 00:22:58,443 And here is what I'm gonna say to you right now... 552 00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,735 don't ever return to this hotel... I'm serious, or I will call the cops. 553 00:23:00,736 --> 00:23:03,276 Like I would wanna return to a hotel that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies 554 00:23:03,277 --> 00:23:06,193 and trying to pass them off as if you have a pastry chef! 555 00:23:06,194 --> 00:23:09,943 Fine, and if you do, I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer. 556 00:23:09,944 --> 00:23:11,943 Kenny was a perfect kid, 557 00:23:11,944 --> 00:23:14,193 and look what's happened here! 558 00:23:14,194 --> 00:23:16,610 Look what's happened to my jewel, 559 00:23:16,611 --> 00:23:20,026 my nephew, who is an all-star pitcher. 560 00:23:20,027 --> 00:23:22,234 He's up there now in a cast! 561 00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:25,109 Why did you have to fight him for the pickle? 562 00:23:25,110 --> 00:23:27,610 Why did I have to fight him? You fought him for the pickles, too! 563 00:23:27,611 --> 00:23:29,318 I didn't fight him; I let it go! 564 00:23:29,319 --> 00:23:30,360 Oh, you let it go. 565 00:23:30,361 --> 00:23:31,902 You tried to open that pickle jar 566 00:23:31,903 --> 00:23:33,026 just like I did! 567 00:23:33,027 --> 00:23:34,777 Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero. 568 00:23:34,778 --> 00:23:36,735 You broke his elbow, okay? 569 00:23:36,736 --> 00:23:37,943 Are you happy? 570 00:23:37,944 --> 00:23:39,568 He's just a different kid. 571 00:23:39,569 --> 00:23:41,652 His personality has changed. 572 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:43,526 He's filled with angst. 573 00:23:43,527 --> 00:23:45,276 He's, like, ready to explode. 574 00:23:45,277 --> 00:23:46,735 And you wanna know why? 575 00:23:46,736 --> 00:23:50,984 The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. 576 00:23:50,985 --> 00:23:53,485 It's called "ejaculation." 577 00:23:53,486 --> 00:23:56,026 He can't use the right hand, okay? 578 00:23:56,027 --> 00:23:58,735 This is his ejaculator, okay? 579 00:23:58,736 --> 00:24:00,485 It's done, it's in a cast. 580 00:24:00,486 --> 00:24:03,151 - Yeah. - Mr. Kenny, some lunch! 581 00:24:03,152 --> 00:24:05,443 What the hell is this shit? Fuck! 582 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:08,485 You call this lunch? Take your banana and shove it up your ass! 583 00:24:08,486 --> 00:24:10,693 - Get out! Get the fuck out! - SeƱor, he's crazy! 584 00:24:10,694 --> 00:24:12,568 Leave me the fuck alone! 585 00:24:12,569 --> 00:24:14,526 I don't even know him anymore. 586 00:24:14,527 --> 00:24:16,693 - Wow. - I'm scared to death of him. 587 00:24:16,694 --> 00:24:18,735 He can't masturbate. 588 00:24:18,736 --> 00:24:20,485 He can't make it come out. 589 00:24:20,486 --> 00:24:23,151 - He can't go left? - No, he can't go to his left. 590 00:24:23,152 --> 00:24:25,068 - Can you go to your left? - Eh, nobody can. 591 00:24:25,069 --> 00:24:26,735 - No one can. - Yeah. 592 00:24:26,736 --> 00:24:29,026 It's funny, though, there's other things I can do lefty. 593 00:24:29,027 --> 00:24:31,568 I can eat lefty, I can brush my teeth lefty. 594 00:24:31,569 --> 00:24:34,026 There's a big difference. 595 00:24:34,027 --> 00:24:37,276 You need rotation, you need tempo, 596 00:24:37,277 --> 00:24:39,026 you need feel. 597 00:24:39,027 --> 00:24:40,360 I don't know what's gonna happen 598 00:24:40,361 --> 00:24:42,276 'cause he can't concentrate anymore. 599 00:24:42,277 --> 00:24:45,860 He told me today he doesn't give a shit about the SATs. 600 00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:47,984 He doesn't care about Stanford. 601 00:24:47,985 --> 00:24:50,068 He doesn't care about anything. 602 00:24:50,069 --> 00:24:52,610 - Wow. - He's lost his will. 603 00:24:52,611 --> 00:24:54,194 Hey! 604 00:24:56,985 --> 00:25:01,610 I met this woman in the... in the hotel, 605 00:25:01,611 --> 00:25:05,318 and I think... I think she could help him. 606 00:25:05,319 --> 00:25:06,568 What does she do? 607 00:25:06,569 --> 00:25:09,568 She's a... she's a prostitute. 608 00:25:13,069 --> 00:25:15,652 Okay, here's the deal. 609 00:25:15,653 --> 00:25:18,026 You're gonna go in there, you're gonna go to the right, 610 00:25:18,027 --> 00:25:20,068 - near the front desk. - Mm-hmm. 611 00:25:20,069 --> 00:25:22,010 You're gonna try and open this jar of pickles. 612 00:25:22,011 --> 00:25:22,610 Okay. 613 00:25:22,611 --> 00:25:25,902 It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's gonna come over and try and help, 614 00:25:25,903 --> 00:25:28,610 and then I'm gonna sneak in so the guy doesn't see me 615 00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,860 - and try and find Paula, okay? - Right, right, right. 616 00:25:30,861 --> 00:25:33,109 This is called the "pickle gambit." 617 00:25:33,110 --> 00:25:35,151 I like that, man. Hey, it's cool. 618 00:25:35,152 --> 00:25:38,109 - What's my name? - All right, that's irrelevant. 619 00:25:38,110 --> 00:25:39,526 - Okay? - What do you mean it's irrelevant? 620 00:25:39,527 --> 00:25:41,026 - Okay, you want a name? - I want a fucking name! 621 00:25:41,027 --> 00:25:43,526 Okay, uh, Chick Gandil, that's your name. 622 00:25:43,527 --> 00:25:45,902 He played first base for the 1919 White Sox, 623 00:25:45,903 --> 00:25:47,652 the team that threw the World Series. 624 00:25:47,653 --> 00:25:49,984 Wait a fucking minute. I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox. 625 00:25:49,985 --> 00:25:52,443 Would you prefer somebody from the Negro leagues? 626 00:25:52,444 --> 00:25:54,610 Yeah, give me a fucking name. 627 00:25:54,611 --> 00:25:57,860 - Chappie Johnson. - That's a black man's name right there. 628 00:25:57,861 --> 00:25:59,276 That's fucking great. I love it. 629 00:25:59,277 --> 00:26:00,610 - All right. - I can do that shit. 630 00:26:00,611 --> 00:26:01,818 - Okay, get in there. - I got you. 631 00:26:01,819 --> 00:26:04,109 Okay, I'm a... I'm a diversion. 632 00:26:04,110 --> 00:26:06,069 I got you. I fucking got you, Lar, all right? 633 00:26:12,152 --> 00:26:14,526 My name is Chappie Johnson 634 00:26:14,527 --> 00:26:17,068 and I can't open this damn pickle jar. 635 00:26:17,069 --> 00:26:18,984 - Let me take a crack at that. - I can help you with that. 636 00:26:18,985 --> 00:26:20,818 I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a second. 637 00:26:20,819 --> 00:26:22,735 Give it here, Chappie. Give me a shot at it. 638 00:26:22,736 --> 00:26:23,984 Guys, I saw from over there. 639 00:26:23,985 --> 00:26:25,318 Let me just get a run at it, all right? 640 00:26:25,319 --> 00:26:26,652 I'm small, but you'd be surprised. 641 00:26:30,778 --> 00:26:33,151 Let me see that, let me see that. 642 00:26:35,194 --> 00:26:36,610 Just try it again. 643 00:26:36,611 --> 00:26:37,984 Put force into it. 644 00:26:37,985 --> 00:26:39,610 - I didn't... - I got it, I got it. 645 00:26:39,611 --> 00:26:40,777 I didn't get a good run at it. 646 00:26:40,778 --> 00:26:41,861 Come on! 647 00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:53,026 Larry, it's me. 648 00:26:53,027 --> 00:26:55,276 Oh, my God. 649 00:26:55,277 --> 00:26:58,109 Oh, my God! 650 00:26:58,110 --> 00:27:00,777 - Look at you. - Do you like it? 651 00:27:00,778 --> 00:27:03,151 I... I'm stunned! 652 00:27:03,152 --> 00:27:06,652 This is... I... my mind's exploding! 653 00:27:06,653 --> 00:27:08,443 - Oh, my gosh. - This is incredible. 654 00:27:08,444 --> 00:27:10,777 - Look at you. Look at you! - Oh, really? 655 00:27:10,778 --> 00:27:12,193 - Ugh! - You think so? 656 00:27:12,194 --> 00:27:13,777 Well, I am so happy, 657 00:27:13,778 --> 00:27:15,151 and I owe it all to you. 658 00:27:15,152 --> 00:27:17,026 - It worked. - It worked. 659 00:27:17,027 --> 00:27:19,026 It worked. My life has been changed. 660 00:27:19,027 --> 00:27:20,234 Business... never been better. 661 00:27:20,235 --> 00:27:22,610 The men... gentle, respectful. 662 00:27:22,611 --> 00:27:25,318 I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah! 663 00:27:25,319 --> 00:27:26,777 You are a visionary. 664 00:27:26,778 --> 00:27:30,068 I don't know what I can do to properly show my thanks. 665 00:27:30,069 --> 00:27:31,568 You don't have to do anything. 666 00:27:31,569 --> 00:27:33,860 The mere fact that you're happier having sex 667 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:35,485 with a multitude of strangers, 668 00:27:35,486 --> 00:27:38,401 that's all... that's all the thanks I need. 669 00:27:38,402 --> 00:27:39,818 Aw, Larry! 670 00:27:39,819 --> 00:27:41,610 That's awesome. Thank you! 671 00:27:41,611 --> 00:27:44,610 You know what? This is unbelievable that I actually ran... 672 00:27:44,611 --> 00:27:46,735 I came here specifically looking for you. 673 00:27:46,736 --> 00:27:48,401 - Oh, you did? - Yes, I did. 674 00:27:48,402 --> 00:27:50,652 - Oh, that's amazing! - Yeah, because I actually do 675 00:27:50,653 --> 00:27:51,777 - need your services. - You do? 676 00:27:51,778 --> 00:27:53,401 - Yes. - Okay, well, fine. 677 00:27:53,402 --> 00:27:55,902 It's for... it's for my friend's nephew. 678 00:27:55,903 --> 00:27:58,193 - His name is Kenny Funkhouser. - Of course! 679 00:27:58,194 --> 00:28:00,068 Tell me when and where. I'll be there. 680 00:28:00,069 --> 00:28:02,401 - No problem. - Fanta... 681 00:28:02,402 --> 00:28:04,109 - I feel great, I feel great. - Hey, do you want a drink? 682 00:28:04,110 --> 00:28:05,943 - Just a quick drink? - Uh, no, let's get a, uh... 683 00:28:05,944 --> 00:28:08,735 let's raid the minibar like normal people. 684 00:28:12,778 --> 00:28:14,443 - I'll be right back. - Okay. 685 00:28:14,444 --> 00:28:16,151 Yes. 686 00:28:19,944 --> 00:28:21,652 Here, give it to me, give it to me! 687 00:28:21,653 --> 00:28:23,151 You can't open it! 688 00:28:23,152 --> 00:28:24,902 We need to get a butter knife. 689 00:28:24,903 --> 00:28:26,526 - Come on, let me give it another try. - No. 690 00:28:29,736 --> 00:28:31,485 We need a plier, we need a plier. 691 00:28:31,486 --> 00:28:34,652 But a hatchet will shatter the entire jar. 692 00:28:34,653 --> 00:28:36,318 - Get a plier. - She can't open it. 693 00:28:36,319 --> 00:28:38,234 - What, 'cause I'm a woman? - Yeah, exactly! 694 00:28:39,778 --> 00:28:41,276 - We need one more shot. - Give me that! 695 00:28:41,277 --> 00:28:43,151 Mr. Dancer! 696 00:28:43,152 --> 00:28:45,234 Whoa! 697 00:28:45,235 --> 00:28:46,984 - Huh? - Wow. 698 00:28:46,985 --> 00:28:48,777 - Yeah! - Wow, are you serious? 699 00:28:48,778 --> 00:28:50,485 Are you for... Claudia, get security. 700 00:28:50,486 --> 00:28:52,234 I'll keep Mr. Buck Dancer here. 701 00:28:52,235 --> 00:28:53,652 Okay? No, I gotta get... 702 00:28:53,653 --> 00:28:55,360 I don't care, I don't care. 703 00:28:55,361 --> 00:28:57,276 I'm not touching cookies, I'm not talking tongs! 704 00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,610 I don't care! I warned you if you came back here, this would happen. 705 00:28:59,611 --> 00:29:01,443 - Get out of my way, baldy! - Ah-ah! 706 00:29:01,444 --> 00:29:04,193 - That is it, sir. You are out of here. - Unhand me, you brute! 707 00:29:04,194 --> 00:29:05,277 I have dementia! 708 00:29:17,069 --> 00:29:18,653 What the...? 709 00:29:20,861 --> 00:29:22,984 Unbelievable! 710 00:29:22,985 --> 00:29:25,276 - As often as I can. - Really? 711 00:29:25,277 --> 00:29:26,318 - Yes... - No. 712 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,360 - So, are you nervous? - A little. 713 00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:42,526 Oh, well, don't worry. I'll take care of everything. 714 00:29:42,527 --> 00:29:44,526 - You just lay back and relax. - Okay. 715 00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:46,860 I like your dress. 716 00:29:46,861 --> 00:29:49,693 Aw, thanks! I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue. 717 00:29:49,694 --> 00:29:52,026 - Oh, that... that's a nice store. - Mm-hmm. 718 00:29:52,027 --> 00:29:53,984 Take your clothes off, Kenny. 719 00:29:53,985 --> 00:29:55,526 You know, Mary, she's with this guy, 720 00:29:55,527 --> 00:29:57,735 he's bald with glasses... he looks just like me! 721 00:29:57,736 --> 00:30:00,026 She said I wasn't her type. 722 00:30:00,027 --> 00:30:02,860 Unbelievable. And now Ted... 723 00:30:02,861 --> 00:30:05,193 Ted's going out with Cheryl. 724 00:30:05,194 --> 00:30:06,385 What about that? 725 00:30:06,386 --> 00:30:09,485 Well, you haven't been married to her in a long time. 726 00:30:09,486 --> 00:30:10,735 There's nothing wrong with that! 727 00:30:10,736 --> 00:30:12,360 Would you do something like that? 728 00:30:12,361 --> 00:30:14,610 You wanna go out with Cheryl, you do it behind my back. 729 00:30:14,611 --> 00:30:16,610 - You'd never know. - That's the way to do it. 730 00:30:16,611 --> 00:30:18,653 Yeah. I called Cheryl. 731 00:30:20,027 --> 00:30:21,902 - I called her twice. - For what? 732 00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:24,068 Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, 733 00:30:24,069 --> 00:30:27,068 and shopping tips and stuff like that. 734 00:30:27,069 --> 00:30:29,234 - We had a cup of coffee. - You're kidding. 735 00:30:29,235 --> 00:30:31,902 - Two movies. - What? 736 00:30:31,903 --> 00:30:33,401 A walk in the park. 737 00:30:33,402 --> 00:30:35,652 Yeah, well, it's not a big deal. 738 00:30:35,653 --> 00:30:36,652 One dinner. 739 00:30:36,653 --> 00:30:38,026 I went behind your back! 740 00:30:38,027 --> 00:30:39,902 It's the only way to go! 741 00:30:39,903 --> 00:30:41,652 Yeah, that's true. 742 00:30:41,653 --> 00:30:45,485 Boy, Kenny sounds like he's having some fun. 743 00:30:45,486 --> 00:30:47,068 Tough to listen to, though. 744 00:30:47,069 --> 00:30:48,860 Oh, my God. 745 00:30:48,861 --> 00:30:53,569 Oh, I got a... I got a Skype thing with the Iranian consul guy. 746 00:30:54,778 --> 00:30:55,984 I'll see you later. 747 00:30:55,985 --> 00:30:57,903 I'm not staying here by myself. 748 00:31:04,778 --> 00:31:07,485 Mr. David, at last we meet face to face. 749 00:31:07,486 --> 00:31:09,526 Heh-hey! Hey, look at this! 750 00:31:09,527 --> 00:31:11,276 Modern technology, sir. 751 00:31:11,277 --> 00:31:14,193 What... what exactly does a consul do? It's a... 752 00:31:14,194 --> 00:31:16,943 Let's just say if you wanted to come to Iran one day and visit, 753 00:31:16,944 --> 00:31:18,860 you would be going through myself. 754 00:31:18,861 --> 00:31:21,276 I'm not setting foot in that place, with all due respect. 755 00:31:21,277 --> 00:31:22,903 Not gonna set foot there. 756 00:31:24,110 --> 00:31:25,736 Excuse me. 757 00:31:27,277 --> 00:31:29,652 - What is that? - A cookie. 758 00:31:29,653 --> 00:31:31,693 What are you using, tongs? 759 00:31:31,694 --> 00:31:33,777 Yes. We use tongs. 760 00:31:33,778 --> 00:31:37,276 - In fact, we invented the tong. - Okay. 761 00:31:37,277 --> 00:31:39,109 All right, Mr. Consul, 762 00:31:39,110 --> 00:31:40,984 let's, uh... let's not go crazy here. 763 00:31:40,985 --> 00:31:42,943 You invented the tong. I don't think so. 764 00:31:42,944 --> 00:31:45,568 I don't see Iran as the tong inventor. 765 00:31:45,569 --> 00:31:47,735 Mr. David, I have a very busy agenda today. 766 00:31:47,736 --> 00:31:49,485 Please let me know how I can help you. 767 00:31:49,486 --> 00:31:53,234 Well, um, you're aware of my situation, of course, 768 00:31:53,235 --> 00:31:56,693 and I was hoping beyond hope 769 00:31:56,694 --> 00:32:00,693 that somehow you could perhaps 770 00:32:00,694 --> 00:32:03,943 put in a good word for me, 771 00:32:03,944 --> 00:32:07,485 tell the ayatollah how profoundly sorry I am 772 00:32:07,486 --> 00:32:09,526 for what I did and said and... 773 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,360 Mr. David, you have come to the right person 774 00:32:12,361 --> 00:32:14,943 because... I tell you this in confidence... 775 00:32:14,944 --> 00:32:17,234 I am a huge fan of your work. 776 00:32:17,235 --> 00:32:20,151 I have watched every episode of "Seinfeld." 777 00:32:22,069 --> 00:32:25,109 This is... this is really, truly remarkable. 778 00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,193 Is that so? What's your favorite episode? 779 00:32:28,694 --> 00:32:31,068 Isn't everybody's favorite episode the puffy shirt? 780 00:32:31,069 --> 00:32:32,526 It's unbelievable! 781 00:32:32,527 --> 00:32:34,818 I also love the one with the close talker. 782 00:32:34,819 --> 00:32:36,234 Ugh, oh, my God! 783 00:32:36,235 --> 00:32:38,735 I must tell you something, Mr. David. 784 00:32:38,736 --> 00:32:42,151 The ayatollah himself is a bit of a close talker. 785 00:32:42,152 --> 00:32:43,984 - Is that so? - Yes! 786 00:32:43,985 --> 00:32:46,610 Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close to that guy, to tell you the truth. 787 00:32:46,611 --> 00:32:48,193 It doesn't look like he's popping Life Savers 788 00:32:48,194 --> 00:32:49,984 in his mouth all day long, you know? 789 00:32:49,985 --> 00:32:51,777 Ah, yes, well... 790 00:32:51,778 --> 00:32:53,610 - Okay. - All right. 791 00:32:53,611 --> 00:32:54,984 Okay, oh, yeah! 792 00:32:54,985 --> 00:32:56,193 Come on. Come on, honey! 793 00:32:56,194 --> 00:32:57,818 You can do it, you can do it! 794 00:32:57,819 --> 00:32:59,443 Come on, come on! 795 00:32:59,444 --> 00:33:01,943 I'm coming, Larry! 796 00:33:01,944 --> 00:33:03,818 Oh, God, you're so good! 797 00:33:03,819 --> 00:33:05,693 Larry! 798 00:33:05,694 --> 00:33:07,610 I am very confident that we can 799 00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:09,735 accomplish something here together. 800 00:33:09,736 --> 00:33:12,318 Thank you so much. I'm so appreciative and... 801 00:33:12,319 --> 00:33:14,777 Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty! 802 00:33:14,778 --> 00:33:16,401 What the... oh! 803 00:33:16,402 --> 00:33:17,568 Oh, my God! 804 00:33:17,569 --> 00:33:19,234 - Oh, no! - What is that? 805 00:33:19,235 --> 00:33:20,735 Oh, oh! No! 806 00:33:20,736 --> 00:33:23,401 No, no! Swat, Swat! Not her, not her! 807 00:33:23,402 --> 00:33:25,402 Just get rid of the Muslims! 808 00:33:26,985 --> 00:33:30,068 No... it's a game! 809 00:33:30,069 --> 00:33:33,635 That's a game! Mr. Consul! Nooooo! 810 00:34:48,486 --> 00:34:49,984 You have no compassion, 811 00:34:49,985 --> 00:34:52,902 have no caring about another human being... 812 00:34:52,903 --> 00:34:54,526 There's some partial truth to that. 813 00:34:54,527 --> 00:34:55,319 Yeah. 814 00:34:56,277 --> 00:34:58,276 T, can you get a lemon with that, please? 815 00:34:58,277 --> 00:34:58,984 T? 816 00:34:58,985 --> 00:34:59,984 It's short for Ted. 817 00:34:59,985 --> 00:35:01,652 Never gave me any little nicknames. 818 00:35:01,653 --> 00:35:02,943 You could've called me L-vid. 819 00:35:02,944 --> 00:35:04,777 - As a term of endearment? - Yeah. 820 00:35:04,778 --> 00:35:06,818 Like, "Let's spoon, L-vid"? 821 00:35:08,235 --> 00:35:09,902 Bad decision to honk at a police officer. 822 00:35:09,903 --> 00:35:11,443 Oh, what... Why? Are you above the beep? 823 00:35:11,444 --> 00:35:12,152 Absolutely. 824 00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:13,902 I'm a police officer, I protect your rights. 825 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,943 - My rights to beep! - You gettin' smart with me, boy? 826 00:35:15,944 --> 00:35:17,861 I'm not getting smart. I am smart. 62785

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