All language subtitles for Speak.No.Evil.2022

[upbeat music]

- Good evening, everybody,

and thanks for
coming to the show.

Let's give a warm,
crazy Vernon BC welcome

to our guests of honor,

John Hollingsworth, Chris
Reid, and Dave Lane,

here's your Fidgets!

[audience cheers and applauds]

- All right, are you
ready to get started?

[audience cheers and applauds]

All right, are we gonna
have a good show tonight?

[audience cheers]

Oh, yeah, we are, okay,
Change is a sketch we do,

where Chris and I
complete a scene,

but everything we say Dave
has the power to say, change,

and when he says that,
we have to change

the last thing
that we said, okay.

So, the scene is, Doctor Chris

needs to have a sit down talk
with John to talk to him about

how the operation
didn't go as planned.

- I'm the doctor?

- You're the doctor.
- Okay.

- And I'm--
- What was your operation?

- [Dave] Do you wanna get
minor operation day surgery?

- Yeah, give me a minor,
like day surgery--

[audience shouting]

Bunion infection?

[audience shouting]

- Hair transplant!
- Hair transplant, really?

- Bunion infection.

- Oh, okay, on your toesies

- Yeah.
- Sure, why not?

Okay, I'll be the doctor
and you do the, okay.

- I'll have the
bunion infection.

- Apparently.

- It sounds disgusting though.

Are you ready?
- Yeah.

- All right.

Nurse I really need
to see the doctor.

No, I really need
to see the doctor!

Yeah, John Hollingsworth,
tell him John Hollingsworth,

Doctor, hey!

What are you doing?

- I am smoking in my office.

- Change.

- I am having a cigarette.

- Change.

- Don't you know
what I am doing?

Do you want to try,
the cool kids do it?

- I don't think so, I don't
think smoking is good for you.

But here's the thing,
I need to talk to you

for a couple minutes
about my operation.

[speaking in foreign language]

[audience laughs]

- 'Cause I am French.

- Yeah, I got that.

Doc, last week I was in here

to get my infected
bunion repaired.

[speaking in foreign language]

Okay, remember, you looked at
in the x-ray, and you said,

that infected bunion
needs to be repaired.

- Change.

- You said that infected
bunion makes me hungry.

- Change.

- You said that infected
bunion looks like my mother.

[audience laughs]

- So, we jumped into, we got
a surgery date right away,

because you were
afraid for my life,

and you put me out, and my
bunion is still infected.

[exhales]

- So, you have a problem

with your bunion
still being infected?

- Yes.

- Okay, I want to
ask you something.

How does your back feel?
- Change.

- How does your butt feel?
- Change.

- Can you see better?
- Change.

- How do you smell?
- Change.

- You know, if you had
more hair on your back,

you'd probably be
better looking.

[audience laughs]

But don't worry, I
had already fixed it.

You probably just haven't
seen your back yet.

[audience laughs]

- Are you telling me I went
into the hospital, into surgery,

to get my infected
bunion repaired,

[speaking in foreign language]

- 'Cause I'm French.

- And you did some sort
of back hair transplant?

- Change.

- You did some sort of monkey
to man hair transplant?

- Change.

- I now have the sheen of
an Irish Setter on my back!

[audience laughs]

- You're correct.

Do you not remember when you
came to my office and you said,

"Hey, look at my bunion and
I had a full set of hair."

- Change.

- Do you not remember
my locks on my head?

- [Dave] Change.

- Do you know how I look like
Elvis, and I was like? [blows]

[audience laughs]

Do you remember that?

- I do remember you did--

- Does this seem familiar?

[audience laughs]

- Yes, that seems very familiar.

You seemed like you had way
more hair on top of your head,

but I was out of it.

- I know, but now I have
given you a favor, my friend.

I have put my hair on your back.

- Change.

- I have put all the things
on my head under your back.

- Change.

- I took the things from your
back and put them on my head.

- Change.
[audience laughs]

- I have swapped the
skin on your back

with the skin on my head

- Change.

- And I swapped the
skin on your knee

with the skin on my knee.

- Change.

- Your elbows are
now behind your neck.

The hair on my head
is on your back,

and you have the ankles of
four horses tilted backwards,

so when you run,
they looks like this.

[audience laughs]

- Change.

- When you run, it
looks like this.

- Change.

- When you run, you just fall
down and you flap like this,

and then people go,
"Are you okay?",

and through that sympathy,
you are going to be promoted.

[audience laughs]

Oh, and you have a
hairy back from my head.

- You did all that
in 15 minutes?

- Change.

- You did all that
in 45 minutes?

- Change.
- Eight days ago I was fine!

- Yes, but now you are fine

and when you take off your
shirt you look like a werewolf

who can't seem to stand
up without siezuring.

- [Dave] Change.

- Yes, but now the
animal protective control

is going to take care of you
if you ever get in a bar fight.

[audience laughs]
- Change.

- There is going to
be protective people

who will look out for you,

and there will also those
who are going to hunt you.

It is a fun game I made up,

and you have to find out
how you're going to survive.

[audience laughs]

- Doc, I heard
you were the best!

- Change.

- I heard you were great!
- Change.

- [John] I heard you
were absolutely amazing.

- [Dave] Change.

- I heard you were
a ventriloquist.

[speaking in foreign language]

[audience laughs]

- 'Cause he is French.

- And I thought if he's
talented with ventriloquism

maybe he's good at surgery.

In fact, it turns
out that wasn't true.

I shouldn't of trusted
you with my body.

- Change.

- I shouldn't of trusted
you with how I look.

- Change.

I should not have
trusted you at all.

[audience laughs]

- I'm going to stop
you right there.

You came in for the
bunion on your foot?

- Yes, I did.

- I made your life
so much better

and more interesting, thank you!

- Yes, you did.

- National Geographic
has already called.

And not only that,

but in my office, you are
now the most famous person

I have ever had.

Not because you were famous,
but because I made you famous.

- Change.

- Not because you were famous,

but because I'm going
to make you famous.

- Change.

- Not because you're going to
be famous, or you were famous,

but because I put your
face into a frame,

and I said, "Frame this",

and my accent came out funny

and now people think your some
sort of celebrity, famous!

[audience laughs]

I say, nurse can you frame this?

She goes, "Oh, he's famous?",

I go, [speaking in foreign
language], 'cause I am French,

and now you think,

you're not famous though,
but you could be famous.

I did not go to online college
for this sort of thing, okay?

[audience laughs]

- Doc, you know what, I
got to apologize, okay.

I came in here all stressed out,

and you're absolutely right.

I was getting a
lot of phone calls

from people either wanting
to protect me or to hunt me,

and I thought, this is useless,

but now I see I'm
a unique commodity.

- Change.

- I see that I'm
a one of a kind.

- Change.
- I'm special.

[audience laughs]

- Yes, you are, and that
was my hope for you.

So, I'm going to do you a favor.

I put your name in the paper,

and I'm not even going
to charge you extra.

- Which paper?

- It was the local
Citizen paper.

- Change.

- I did it online on a blog.
- Change.

- So, I was at the coffee shop,

and I had a napkin with a pen--

- Change.

- I was at home and
I was sitting down

on the bathroom
- Change.

- And I had a magazine.

There was a mail order
coupon for a return--

- Change.

- When I get tires,
there's a rebate,

and you put the thing in with
the rebate into the mail,

I also wrote those people a
nice little note about you,

and I have a feeling it will
show up in their newsletter.

- Awesome!

Well, doc, what can I say,

but thank you very
much, you're a genius.

- Thank you, thank you.

[audience applauds]

- Woo!
- 'Cause I am French.

[audience laughs]

- All right, how many people
have the game Speak Out?

All right, so, cool
game, lots of slobber.

What we did is we made
that into an improv game,

and we're gonna do that today.

It's called Read My Lips,
Read My Lips broken down,

is a sketch where

I have hired Dave, the
coolest guy in school,

to coach me through my blind
date with the lovely Christine.

[audience laughs]

who has some whiskers, but
that's fine, that's fine.

She's got a great personality.

[audience laughs]

- So what we're gonna do,

is Dave is going to get some
suggestions from the audience.

By the way, you guys have
been giving us A plus ideas.

That's been amazing,
thank you so much.

Oh yeah, give yourselves a hand.

[audience cheers and applauds]

All right, so Chris and I
are gonna leave the room.

- You guys can leave and
I'll get some suggestions.

- And you're gonna
get some suggestions,

and, you've got
everything you need?

- Okay, you go man.
- Okay.

- All right as they're leaving
- We're gonna go out

stairway, out door number 10.

- So, my job is gonna be this,

is to give John some advice
on impressing this girl.

Now, when you wanna
impress a girl,

there's a few things
you have to address.

The first thing is this,

is you have to
address her beauty.

All right, so what I
need from you is this,

is give me a very
unique eye color.

[audience shouting]

Turquoise.

- Okay, so we're gonna go
turquoise, turquoise, all right.

So we're gonna say her
eyes are as turquoise as,

give me a sea creature.

[audience shouting]

Turtle.

Okay, now, so we got a turtle,

so we got turquoise,
we got turtle.

Give me a word that
would describe a turtle.

- [Audience Member]
Supercalifragilistic
expeallidocious!

[audience shouting]

- What's that?
- Slow.

- Slow, anything more
creative than slow?

[audience shouting]

Slimy, we'll go slimy.

All right, we'll do
slimy, so we're gonna say,

"Your eyes are as turquoise
as a slimy turtle".

Now, once you've
addressed her beauty,

what you wanna address next
is this, is her intelligence.

And so what I need
from you is this,

I need an expensive
tool, an expensive tool.

[audience shouting]

Chainsaw, okay.

Now, describe for me what
a chainsaw would be like,

creatively, what
would it be like?

[audience shouting]

What's that?

What'd you yell?

Sharp, a sharp chainsaw okay.

All right, we're gonna say,

you're as smart as a
sharp chainsaw, all right.

Now, once you've
addressed her beauty,

and you have addressed
her intelligence,

now what needs to
happen is this,

is you need to go all out,

and you need to
express your love.

So What I need from you is this,

is give me your favorite
guilty pleasure snack.

I mean the stuff you eat
that you shouldn't eat.

[audience shouting]

Nutella, all right.

Nutella, now describe for
me what Nutella's like.

[audience shouting]

Okay, we're gonna say
gooey, gooey, okay.

And so what we're gonna
say at the end is this,

we're gonna say, I love you
more than gooey Nutella.

So we'll say, her eyes are as
turquoise as a slimy turtle,

she is as smart as
a sharp chainsaw,

and then that we love you
more than gooey Nutella

All right, you
wanna bring them in?

- I have been waiting for years
[hums], so happy about this.

Hey, buddy.
- Hey, how you doing?

- What is, what, no no no!

- I got dental surgery.

You had dental work done?

- Yeah, but it's okay.
- No, it's not okay!

Christine is coming
in like two minutes!

- Yeah!

[audience laughs]

- How are you even
gonna help me?

How are you gonna coach me?
[Dave mumbles]

Yes.

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

Yeah, yeah yeah.

- Okay, ready?

- Yeah, but I can't understand
anything you're saying.

- That's okay!
- That's not.

I need Christine to
fall in love with me.

[Dave mumbles]

She's got 14 guys after her.

[Dave mumbles]

Oh, man.
- Look at you!

- Oh, she's here, she's here!
[Dave mumbles]

Hey, hey, Christine,
how are you doing?

- Super good.

[audience laughs]

- Wow.

Hey, I got a seat for us.

- You're so sweet.

- Let me just pull
it right up here.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, I'm so excited that
you said you wanted to--

[audience laughs]

- Thank you.

- You're a wobbly one aren't ya?

- It's the chair.

- It's the chair,
for sure it is.

Look at you spin.

Hey, I just wanted to say
I'm really glad you said

you'd come out, meet me
at the old coffee shop.

I know, I know like, 14, 15
times I would say to you,

do you wanna go out with me,
do you wanna go out with me?

and you always said no, and
then this time you said yes!

- I don't know why [laughs].

[audience laughs]

- You know what, let's just
have fun, let's just relax.

- Yeah, let's have fun.

- Because we could just be
friends, and build from there.

- Yes, we can just be friends!

- Testing, testing, testing!

- Yeah, so anyways,
there's a couple things

I just wanna say, just
to start off the date.

First of all, you look great.

- I know.

- All right, and I've never seen

a girl wear a vest like that.

[Dave mumbles]

- I used to be a
singer in a rock band.

- Oh, I see, okay, I bet you
sing really well, anyways.

- No.

[audience laughs]

- It's rock music,
it doesn't matter.

- It doesn't matter.

- Anyways, I just wanted to say

- Okay, okay, your eyes are
as turquoise as slimy turtles!

[audience laughs]

- Your eyes--

- Christine, I just
wanna say that your eyes

- [Dave] Yeah, yeah,
are as turquoise.

- Are as kook-eyed

[audience laughs]

- No no, turquoise, turquoise.

- Your eyes.
- Yeah?

- I could get lost in your eyes.

They are as

- [Dave] Turquoise.

- They're as kook-eyed.

- Turquoise.

Turquoise.

- Click-eyed

[audience laughs]

That's what a wink is
called, it's a click-eye!

- Member from back in the day
they'd say, oh, click eyed.

- Your eyes are as
click-eyed as a.

[Dave mumbles]

- Can you just excuse
me for a minute?

- I hope so.
- Okay.

You know what, just order
anything off the menu,

I got my allowance today.
- Oh, good, okay, thanks.

- What are you doing?

Click-eyed, what
does that even mean?

- Turquoise,
[mumbles] turquoise.

[audience laughs]

[Dave mumbles]

- I don't know what your saying!

- Turquoise.

- Check eyes.
- Turquoise.

- Turquoise
- Yes!

- Turquoise.

[John and Dave groan]

- Anyways, what did you order?

- Page seven.

- Oh, okay, you've got
a healthy appetite.

- Yeah, it's the
seafood, page seven.

- Your eyes are as turquoise--

- As slimy turtles.

[audience laughs]

Your eyes are as turquoise
as phlegmy pickles.

[audience laughs]

- Is this 'cause of
my singing voice?

- Yes, yes, they remind me
of those pickles you eat,

and you get like a lot
of phlegm in your throat.

- That's what we named the
band, the Phlegmy Pickles.

[audience laughs]

- Your eyes.
- Your eyes.

- Are as turquoise.
- Your eyes are as turquoise

- As slimy turtles.

[audience laughs]

- As.
- Slimy.

- Slimy.
- Yeah.

- [Dave] Turtles.

- Turtles.

[audience claps]

Your eyes.

- Oh, that wasn't okay.

[audience laughs]

- Your eyes are as turquoise

as those slimy turtles
we saw at the aquarium.

- Oh, I remember
that, that was sweet.

- Remember that, that was
a good memory we shared.

- Yeah, I was there by
myself with my family,

and then there you
were [laughs] weird.

- Just behind some garbage cans.

- No, it's fine, it was good.

- It was good.
- It was good.

- Anyways, that was good memory.

You know what, that brings
me to my second point.

The seafood is gonna
be here in minute,

Before it gets here, I just
wanted to tell you that you.

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

- [Dave] As a sharp chainsaw!

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

- Do you know Japanese?

[audience laughs]

- Konnichi-no I don't. [laughs]

No, I don't.

- Okay, all right, here's what
I wanna tell you, you're--

- Is the seafood here--
- Hello.

- Oh, goodness!

[audience laughs]

- Would you like some water?

- What's wrong with his face?

- I don't know, I think he had--

- Oh, oh.

- Aw, come on!
- That's awkward.

- Hopefully this
is actual water.

Thank you, waiter,
we ordered seafood.

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Okay.

- I lost my appetite
with that thing

that happened with
whats-his-face.

So, I'll be back in a minute.

- Okay, yeah, take your time.

- Thank you, I will, it's
gonna be good, thank you,

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- [Dave] Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, would you
stop touching me?

Okay, you said, "Turquoise as
slimy turtles", I got that!

- That's good, that's good.

[Dave mumbles]

- Okay, but the
next one, your snot?

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

What, your thoughts?

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

[Dave mumbles]

- Thought?

- No, smart.

- Smart?
- Yes!

- You're smart.

[imitates chainsaw revving]

[audience laughs]

- Hey!
- Hi!

- What did you do to your hair?

It looks great!

- They didn't have
toilet paper so I just,

[audience laughs]

- I had to blow my nose on
my hair is what I was saying.

- Okay, anyways, what I wanted
to say, that was creative.

- Thank you.

- And you are as smart--

- As a sharp chainsaw

- As a sharp chainsaw

[audience cheers and applauds]

Once you get that motor going,

you cut through
all the problems.

- Takes like seven
pumps and some priming,

but once I get it figured
out, I'm pretty smart.

- That's right, that's right,

and I happen to know your
middle name is Husqvarna.

- That's 'cause you took my
birth certificate, you weirdo.

[audience laughs]

- I did, I'll get
that back to you

after I get it
back from Staples.

- Okay.

- Anyways, I think the date's
going well, don't you think?

- Sure.
- Okay, all right.

There's one more thing
I wanna say, all right,

and then we can
go to the movies.

- Oh, good it doesn't end.

[audience laughs]

- All right, here's what
I wanted to say, okay,

we know about your eyes,
and I value your thoughts,

all right, you're
a smart person,

[Dave mumbles]

- I love you more
than gooey Nutella.

[audience laughs]

- Are you having a stroke?

I love you more
than tangy Nutella.

- You love me more
than tangy Nutella?

Do you even love tangy Nutella?

- Well, no, but
you're above that.

- Hey, the waiter's here!
- Hello!

- Hi, oh, good, it's
some bread, that is not.

- Here you go.

- Still waiting on that
seafood there, Pierre.

Yeah, I know, we're
getting there.

- You know what, it's seafood,
they probably had to cook it.

[Dave mumbles]

[audience laughs]

[Dave mumbles]

- Hey lock jaw, can you
stop hitting on my date?

- Sorry, sorry!
- That'd be great.

[audience laughs]

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Thanks, Danny
Dental, thank you!

- I get it from all corners.

I gotta say, I love
you more than--

- Gooey Nutella.
- Gooey Nutella.

[audience cheers and applauds]

I love you more
than gooey Nutella!

And your eyes are like
turquoise slimy turtles,

and your thoughts are
sharper than a chainsaw.

Will you marry me?

- Aw, yeah!

- I was gonna say no, but
after that guy hit on you,

I think you might be more
special than I thought.

Yeah, I'll marry you!
- Yes!

[audience applauds]

Oh come on, you can
do better than that.

[audience cheers and applauds]

There we go.

All right, how we doin',
you guys having fun?

[audience cheers]

- All right, so the next sketch

we're gonna do is a sketch
called, Late for Work.

Dave is our boss, I'm gonna
call up some volunteers.

We've got Mrs. Crumb,

[audience cheers]

and Mrs. Deyoung.

[audience cheers]

and we've got Mr. Zuidhof,

[audience cheers]

And we've got Mr. Driediger.

[audience claps]

So come on up here.

Now, by the looks
on their faces,

they didn't know they
were on the volunteer list

but I'm okay with that.

Come on up, come on up.

First of all, give these guys
a hand for helping us out.

[audience applauds]

- Okay, all right, so
here's what we're gonna do,

we're gonna play late for
work, Dave is the boss,

Chris and I are late for work.

We're gonna leave the room,

Dave is gonna get
suggestions from you.

When we come in, ladies
you will be telling Chris,

you'll be helping him figure out

how he's late for work, okay.

Gentlemen, you're on my team.

Objective, crush the
ladies, all right.

[audience laughs]

You're gonna be helping
me, not physically.

- I know, yes.
[audience laughs]

- He flexed and I thought,

Oh, this is gonna get
really bad. [groans]

[audience laughs]

It's the Mennonite
blood I think.

[audience laughs]

So, Dave, you wanna
take it from here?

- I'm ready to go,
you guys gonna go out?

- Yeah, we're gonna go out.

- Who will come and get
you when you're ready?

Are you gonna be far?

- Are we gonna be
far, I don't know.

- All right, so guys, you're
gonna do the actions for John.

So, lets get some suggestions.

First of all what
I need is this,

I'm gonna write them down
'cause I forget 'cause I'm old.

Here's thing, famous
monument in America?

[audience shouting]

Statue of Liberty I heard, okay.

Okay, now, I need something

that will never be
an Olympic sport.

[audience shouts]

What's that?

[audience shouting]

Marshmallow what?
- Roasting.

- Marshmallow roasting,
okay, we'll do that.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

All right, now, I need
a very unique tool

that you would use
to renovate a home.

[audience shouts]

A what?

A bulldozer, I like that,
we're gonna go with bulldozer.

That's what you use to
demolish a house, excellent.

All right, so guys, you
have Statue of Liberty,

that's the place, the
thing they're doing

is marshmallow roasting, and
the thing is bulldozer, okay.

So, Statue of Liberty,
marshmallow roasting, bulldozer.

You got it?

And, we'll do it one
at a time, all right.

Now, lets get some suggestions
for the ladies for Chris.

Give me building that
is drafty and cold.

[audience shouts]

I heard, okay, we're
gonna go grandma's house

because my grandma's
house is drafty and cold.

All right, now, here's another
one, give me an activity

that you would likely
hurt your knee doing.

[audience shouting]

Okay, hold on, give
me something unique.

I don't want soccer or
baseball, what'd you say?

[audience shouting]

Tiling, okay, excellent, tiling.

You guys ready for that, tiling?

And give me something
in the kitchen

that needs to be plugged in.

[audience shouting]

I heard microwave, we're
gonna go microwave.

All right, so, a
building that is drafty

is grandma's house, all right.

An activity that you do

that you would hurt
your knees is tiling,

and something you
need to plug in

in the kitchen is
a microwave, okay.

Grandma's house,
tiling, microwave.

Okay, you guys got yours?

- Liberty, roasting
marshmallows, bulldozer.

- Awesome.

Eddie, Betty are
the boys here yet?

Oh, they're not.

Eddie, can you please send
them in when they get here?

All right, thank you,
all right, bye-bye.

Oh, these guys are always late.

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Happy birthday, boss!

- Thank you, Jonathan,

but you do realize
you're a little late.

Do you realize what time it is?

- I know I am late.

I know it is 11
o'clock in the morning.

- Do you know when
we start working?

- Before that?
- Exactly.

- However, I've been
keeping track, for 364 days,

'cause it's your birthday.

- I know, John, and
I appreciate that

but I got a business to run.

Could you, please, just
tell me where you were?

- Where was I?
- Where were you?

- Where was I?

Okay, I'll give you some hints.

All right
- Okay.

- I was..

I was singing.

- Singing were ya?

- I was singing

- You got a lovely voice, do ya?

- I have a lovely
voice, but I was angry.

- Oh, you're an
angry singer, are ya?

- Oh, yes.
- I like that.

- I was with royalty.

- Oh, you're singing to royalty?

- I was singing to
royalty, they had a crown--

- Oh, that's great.

- And they were holding up a...

[audience laughs and applauds]

And then for awhile
there I was constipated.

[audience laughs]

- [Dave] Jonathan,
that's not good.

- Yesterday was a tough day.

- I can tell.

- I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you where I was.

- Okay.
- Okay, yep.

- I was, I had a little gas,

and I was reaching for the Tums,

where is the Tums?

I couldn't find it, but

I was looking at a,

I was sight-seeing, yeah.

- Oh, excellent,
did you know where

you we're sight-seeing, John?

- I was sightseeing...

by an apple.
- An apple?

- I was sightseeing
by a big apple!

[audience laughs]

- I'll tell you where I was.

- All right, I'm waiting for it.

- I was at the
Statue of Liberty!

- Oh, that's great,
that's great.

[audience cheers and applauds]

- All right, John.

- And I gotta good
surprise for you!

- All right, all right, you're
at the Statue of Liberty,

can I ask you what you're
doing at the Statue of Liberty,

'cause you're a
different little boy?

- I'm creative.

- You're very
creative, yes you are.

- I think outside the box.

- Okay, so what were you doing
at the Statue of Liberty?

- So, I went to see
the Statue of Liberty,

and here's what I was doing.

- All right.

- I was...

[audience laughs]

- I was blowing
kisses at strangers.

[audience laughs]

- Wow, that would of been great.

- I got down on my knees and I
wanted to propose to someone,

and so I just kept [blowing].

- Just randomly, is
that what you did?

- I'm now engaged.
- How'd that go for ya?

- I'm now engaged
to three ladies.

- Oh, way to go.

- Yes, I was, I was

- You weren't done?

- Besides getting engaged

[audience laughs]

I was lacking fiber in my diet.

and decided to have a camp fire.

- And what were you
doing on the campfire?

- What was I doing
on the campfire?

- Yes.
- Roasting marshmallows!

- Oh, that's great.

- All right, so, let me get
this straight, Jonathan.

What you did, is you went
to the Statue of Liberty.

- Yes.
- Instead of sightseeing,

- Roasting marshmallows!

- That's great.

- Right at the base of
the Statue of Liberty,

right by her little toe.

- Okay, well, that's
very impressive.

Now, Jonathan, you know this,
that you been late many times.

But you know that
you win me over

every time you bring
me back something,

and I heard it's my birthday,

so what you bring me back?

- I got you something you're
gonna show all of your friends!

- I remember last
year's gift was great.

- Every barbecue you have,

you're gonna tell
all your friends,

"Hey, come here, and look at
this great gift John got me!"

- Okay, what you
get me, Jonathan?

- I'll give you a
hint, it's huge!

- Okay.

[audience laughs]

- And it's gonna make
you have seizures!

- Oh, I can't wait!

- I'm just trying to
remember how to describe it.

[audience laughs]

- Take your time, John,
don't rush, don't rush.

- You know how you're
building a house?

I got you a jackhammer!

- Oh, a jackhammer?

- Not just a jackhammer,
though, something more bigger!

[Dave gasps]

Bigger than a jackhammer.

[audience laughs]

I got you a snow plow!

- Oh, a snowplow?

- Bigger than a snowplow!

- This is getting exciting!

- I got you a--

- It was a jackhammer,
now it's a snowplow,

what could it possibly be now?

- What could be bigger than
a snowplow he wondered.

[audience laughs]

- I got you a bulldozer!

- Oh, Jonathan!

[audience cheers and applauds]

- It's a bulldozer for you!

- That's great, I always
wanted a bulldozer!

- I know!

- All right, now it's
time to go back to work.

And if you see Christopher,
please send him in.

- I need to go in my office.

- All right, I'm
gonna go that way.

- I'm gonna go this way.
- Okay.

- All right, thank you
so much, happy birthday!

- Thank you very much.
- It's the boss' birthday!

[audience applauds]

- Oh, look who it
is, it's Christopher!

Thank you so much for gracing
us with your presence.

Do you realize that you're
late for work again?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[audience laughs]

- Okay, listen to me, I'm
gonna cut to the chase.

I'm not gonna beat
around the bush anymore.

Where were you?

- Your accent's funny [laughs].

- Thank you.

- I was somewhere
super important.

- Were ya?

- Yeah, I was gonna be
here, but I didn't, so.

- So what's more
important than work?

- My mom was in a home.

- Oh, your visiting your mother?

- Yeah.

- What a good
little boy you are.

I know, see it was good, right?

No, I was...

[audience laughs]

It was square, and
there was an old person.

I was playing Monopoly.

- With an old person?

- No, like the monocle guy.
- Oh, I see.

- I was struggling,
is what I was doing.

[audience laughs]

- I was in a church, a
house, I was in a house.

- You're in a house?

- I was in a--

- Who's house were you in?

- Was in the house!

[audience laughs]

- Like a party time?
- Yeah, I know, right, yeah.

- [Save] So, you
were in a house.

Who's house were you in?

- I think I was just in,
like, a retirement home,

and I was up in the attic
of a retirement home.

[audience laughs]

I was spying on old
people in the attic!

- That's a little awkward.

- No, it's great, I'll
take their things like,

where are they going?
- Let me tell you something,

Chris, you're in the
house of an old person,

who was that old person?

Was that someone
near and dear to you?

- I was in the house
of an old person.

- Was that person
near and dear to ya?

- It was an old boxer.

[audience laughs]

- An old boxer?
- A championship boxer.

- [Dave] Did you
know this old person?

- It was my mother.

- Oh, is she that old?

- It was my grandmother.

- [Dave] Oh, you're at
your grandmother's house!

- [Chris] I was at
my grandma's house!

- All right, so Christopher,
you're late for work.

I do love my grandmother,
so I do get it,

but what were you doing
at your grandma's house.

- Oh no, its a
really good, okay,

the reason I was there is
'cause she fell down, right.

- [Dave] Oh, she fell down?

- [Chris] Doing yoga,
and I folded her in half

- You folded her in half?

How did she feel after
you fold her in half?

- I don't know, I tried to
glue her leg back together.

- Oh, you glued her,
did she like that?

- No, 'cause she, after I, she,

I put her in a box.

- So let me get this right,
- And then I covered her.

- You went to your grandma's
house, you put her in a box,

and you covered her up?

- That's what it sounds like.

- [Dave] You're a crazy gent.

[audience laughs]

- No, I didn't do that,
that would be ridiculous.

It looks like I did that,
but that is not what I did.

- So, you went to
your grandma's house,

did you help her do something?

- Probably not.

I was down, I was folding
things, and I was--

- You were folding?

- Yeah, making
sandwiches, no I wasn't.

- You're making a sandwiches?

- I wasn't making sandwiches.

I was putting something
on the ground,

and then drawing lines
and rubbing it around.

- You were drawing lines
and rubbing it around

at your grandma's place?

- Hey, it's my grandma's house!

I do what I want!
- I'm not arguing with ya.

- I was laying bricks.

- You were laying
bricks on the ground?

- I was trying to
box her in. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

- So, Chris, if you're gonna
lay something on the ground,

I don't think it'd
be bricks, would it?

- I don't know, man!

[audience laughs]

I wasn't building it up,
I was building it around.

- So, you're laying something
on the floor are ya?

- A road, a cobble
road, a stone road.

- Inside?

- No, I was doing a driveway.

I was doing a garden.

- In your grandma's house,
let me walk you through this.

- Holy cow!

- You're in your
grandma's house,

and you're on the ground inside,

and you said you're
laying bricks,

what you doing
laying bricks inside?

- I'm not laying bricks.

I was spreading something.

- All right, spreading it
- And putting it down.

- And arranging it.
- And spreading it

and putting it down.

- Was there a lot
of them in a row?

- Yes.
[audience laughs]

- So, what would
that be in a row?

- Dominoes, I don't know!

- Your grandma's house
is made of dominoes?

Is that what you're
saying to me?

- I could really use a
sounds like right about now.

[audience laughs]

- All right, I'm
filing this in my head.

I'm gonna file it in my head.

- I was making a filing cabinet.

- You said to rhyme,
I'm rhyming, all right?

- I was piling

- You're not piling anything!

[audience laughs]

You might pile them
before you lay them!

- Oh, Oh my goodness!

[audience laughs]

- What were you doing?

- I was fixing her shower,

all the tile in the
bathroom got messed up.

- All right, that's good!

[audience cheers and applauds]

You're laying bricks!
- That was an adventure!

I was an adventurous youth

and I just have a hard
time thinking now.

- So, let me get this straight,

the reason you're late is you
were at your grandma's house,

you're laying tile in
her shower for her.

- That's a good grandson

- I know it sounds ridiculous.

- No, I have to let
you off this time

because that's being a good
grandson, I get it, it's great,

but here's the thing, you know
I love it when you bring me

little gifts, little
trinkets, little souvenirs.

What did you bring me back
from your grandma's house?

- I brought you a bribe.

- A bribe, what'd you bring me?

- Oh, it's really good.

So, I picked this up last night,

and I thought you would
really appreciate.

- What is it?

- I don't know.
- All right.

- It looks like

a door.

[audience laughs]

It looks like an elevator.

- It fit in my
hand, that elevator.

- I didn't say it
was a good elevator.

[audience laughs]

I got you a fridge.

- From your grandma's house
- I got you a fridge.

I took my grandmother's
fridge and I gave it to you,

and there's a ghost in it.

[audience laughs]

- There's a ghost in
your grandma's fridge?

- Yeah, I didn't
make the rules up.

There's food in the
fridge, I take it,

oh, there's a bird, get
it out of your office!

[audience laughs]

Oh look, it's a...

[audience laughs]

Oh, so.

- All right, what you bring
back, it's in my hand.

- See, it's
actually. [blows air]

- You blew it up?

- Oh yeah, no, it's great.

It's really light and
then when you plug it in

it just flashes 12
o'clock for like 10 days

'cause you can't figure it out.

- You blew it up.

- I got you a camping
blow-upable microwave.

- Oh, I've always wanted one.

- Yeah, it's pretty good.
- That's great!

[audience cheers and applauds]

- Is that okay?

- I love microwaves, I've never
seen a blow-up one before.

- Neither have I, but it
had to fit in your hand.

- All right, I'll just
put it in my pocket.

You can go back to work.

- Can I keep my job?

- You can, thank you very
much, that's great, all right.

[audience applauds]

- Okay, so by round of
applause, who did it better?

Was it the guys?

[audience cheers and applauds]

Was it the ladies?

[audience cheers]

I have to say, I have to
say, the guys took it.

- I think I had a lot to do

with the negative
performance of the ladies.

[audience laughs]

- I liked the Statue
of Liberty up here,

this was great, this was like.

- Even people that have
never seen a floor before,

knew that was tiling.

[audience laughs]

Our next sketch is
called, "Helping Hands".

Here's how it works,
Helping Hands,

is a scene where Dave and
I are gonna do a scene,

and we have two volunteers
from the audience,

who are going to move us around

because we can't move
ourselves, all right.

So, we're looking for a
Mrs. Overand and Elena.

[audience claps]

- Here we go.
- Yay!

- Oh, come on you can
do better than that!

[audience cheers and applauds]

There we go, all
right, all right.

So, here's how it's
gonna work, all right,

Mrs. Overund, you're
gonna be moving Dave.

- Like now?

- No.
- Soon, very soon!

- Don't move 'em yet.
- Pretty excited.

- She's a take control
person, isn't she?

- I'll move him right now.

- She'd make a great
teacher I think.

All right, ere's
how it works, okay.

Now, you listen for Dave's cue.

If Dave says, "I have to reach
something from the cupboard",

you're gonna lift
his hand, all right?

If you don't move it down,
it's gonna stay there.

When you need to
move him around,

move his shoulders,
you can move his feet.

When he wants to
move forward or back,

forward you just tap
the back of his legs.

The faster you tap the
faster he goes, okay.

You want him to move
back you just tap

the front of his knees there,

and when you want
him to look around,

just remember he's not an owl,

and we're gonna
gently turn his head.

All right, easy enough?

- I think I got it.
- Okay.

Chris, can you read
our scene for us?

- Probably, all right.

Helping Hands, Dave, you're
a professional golfer,

and you have put out your back,

so you must see rogue
physiotherapist John

before your masters game.

- I'm a rogue physiotherapist.

Dave are your hands
clean or dry or?

- Yeah, they're okay.

[audience laughs]

I'll be touching you,
don't worry about it.

- Wow, my life is great.

All right, Elena,
you're over here.

Okay, Dave, you've got the ball.

- Okay, you ready
- Yep.

- Oh, my back is hurting
right there, my back!

I got to touch it with my hand.

Oh, yeah, right there!

I need some help.

I gotta bang on the door,
get the doctor's attention.

Hey, doc!

[audience laughs]

I'm here, I need help!

- It sounds like a master
golfer's at my door.

I'm gonna walk over
there and open that door.

[audience laughs]

- I'm coming, I'm coming!

[audience laughs]

I've got arthritis.

[audience laughs]

That was a sudden stop.

[audience laughs]

We were not expecting that.

All right, just let
me open the door.

Oh, it's a tiny door
that opens vertically.

[audience laughs]

It's like an accordion
door, come on in!

- Hey, doc, let me look at ya!

[audience laughs]

It's great to see ya!

- Are you, you, are
you a famous golfer?

- I am!

- Oh my goodness.
- Do you want my autograph?

- Yes.

- Okay, let me write
it here, with a pen.

I have piece of paper.

- Just write it real quick.

- Okay, there we go.
- And throw it to me.

- Okay.

- Throw it.
- I will.

- Okay.
- Throw it.

- There we go.

[audience laughs]

Wow, that's wet paper!
- It is.

[audience laughs]

- I'm just gonna put
this in my pocket.

- Okay.
- There we go.

Okay, why don't you come in and

tell me what the problem is.
- I would love to come in.

You start and I'll follow you.

- Okay.

[audience laughs]

- Here I come!

[audience laughs]

- Just follow me!

[audience laughs]

Okay!
- I'm here!

- Now, let me take a
look at your swing.

- Okay.

- Back up a bit.
- All right,

- 'Cause I don't wanna be hurt.

Do you have to?
- I think so.

[audience laughs]

- Okay, now show me.

- Show 'em the way
you position yourself!

- That's right, pretend you
have a club in your hands.

- I'm gonna grab my club,
I brought it with me.

I'll bend down and grab it.

Got it!

Okay, now watch this,

I'm gonna grab the
club with both hands,

[audience laughs]

- I'm gonna pull back,
now, just watch my hips.

[audience laughs]

Look at my hips.
- Yep, looking.

- See the way they wiggle?
- Yep.

- Look at them, they
wiggle, see that.

All right, it's all about
the wiggle in the hips,

and the follow
through, so, wiggle!

[audience laughs]

- Follow through!

- There we go!

[audience laughs]

It's like I'm
chopping down a tree!

- All right, I think I
see what the problem is.

Let me tap my forehead
and look like an expert

Oh.

[audience laughs]

Yes, I know what the
problem is, okay.

- Okay.

- You.
- Yes?

- Have terminal carpal tunnel.

- Oh, that doesn't
sound good, doc.

- It can be fixed.
- Okay.

- That's a different
type of terminal.

- [Dave] All right.

- All right, so here's
what I'm gonna do,

the first thing I'm gonna do,

we need to get your
back's attention,

and we do that with something
I call, the Spooning Bear Hug.

- [Dave] Oh!

[audience laughs]

Well, let me get in
the position here, doc,

let me straighten out.

- Yeah, stand up straight.

Okay, and face
side-ways, there you go.

I'm gonna come
around behind you,

- [Dave] Okay.

[audience laughs]

- All right.

[audience laughs]

Here I come, sneaking
up behind you.

[audience laughs]

I'm just gonna put my arms
around your chest, there we go.

- Hey, doc?
- Yep!

- Would you be okay
if held you as well?

I just feel more
secure that way.

- Oh, sure, that's fine.
- Okay, here I come.

- Just turn right
around, or do that.

[audience laughs]

okay.
- I feel spooned!

[audience laughs]

- All right, now, I'm gonna
squeeze your chest real hard,

and bend you backwards.

- Here we go.

- And you're gonna
feel the crack.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

[back cracks]
- Oh.

[audience laughs]

- Wow!
- Did you feel that?

- I felt something.
- Yes.

All right, I'm gonna let
go, and I'm gonna back away,

and I want you to shake it off.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

[audience laughs]

- Look at that.

[audience laughs]

- You're a little looser!
- Wiggle my hips again, hips!

Oh, yeah.

- You're a little looser,
I have some hope for ya!

- Are we done?
- No, no, no,

we got it loose for now,

but you don't want
it to happen again.

- No, I don't.
- Okay, here's the number one,

the number one
- Let me look at ya!

- The number one thing
we need you to do.

- Let me look at ya.

- Look at me.

[audience laughs]

- I'm up here.
- Where?

- I'm up here.

- Oh, there you are.
- There we go!

- All right, I need you
to get on all fours.

- This sounds dangerous.

- You know what,
it's for your health

and I'm willing
to take that risk.

- Okay, I'm going down now.

- Okay, just down on all fours,

just hop right down,
hoppity-hop, hop.

[audience laughs]

There you go.

[audience laughs]

That's all threes, okay.

[audience laughs]

You looking for a hydrant?

[audience laughs]

- I don't know, all
this excitement.

- All right, now your
back is loose now,

but we need to
make it stay loose.

So, I'm gonna come around
to your right side.

- Yeah.

- I wish my knees worked
better than they do,

I'll tell you that.

[audience laughs]

Here we go, all right, now,

I am just going to throw
myself over your back.

- Hey, doc, I don't
think I like that.

[audience laughs]

- You know what?

All treatment is painful.

No pain, no brain.
- And terrifying.

- Okay, I'm just
gonna lower myself.

[audience laughs]

- I'm just getting...

[audience laughs]

Oh, there we go.

- You're gonna ride
me like a pony?

[audience laughs]

- I was not expecting this,

but I think it's an
alternative treatment.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, you're heavy!

[audience laughs]

- Look at that, I rode you,
and now I just climbed off.

[audience laughs]

Not even expecting that.

[audience laughs]

How's your back feel?
- Worse.

[audience laughs]

- All right, ne last thing to do

and we'll submit
this treatment in.

I just need you to
lie on your tummy.

- I don't know, okay.

- There we go, you're
doing good Davey.

Pretty soon you'll be
golfing like an expert.

- Great, there you go!
- Ow, ow.

[audience laughs]

- [John] That's called
the kitty cat pose.

[audience laughs]

- Meow! [groans]

[audience laughs]

- That's good, all right,
now here's what I'm gonna do,

this little treatment,

this is why I'm a
rogue physiotherapist.

- I don't feel
comfort with this.

[audience laughs]

- Other physiotherapist would
never do, the steam roller.

[audience laughs]

Are you ready, Dave?

- I don't think so.

- You probably wanna
straighten your legs out.

- Okay.

- There you go.

All right, real gentle now,
I'm just going to cross.

[Dave whimpers]
No need to whimper.

[audience laughs]

- Here we go, here we
go, I'm just about to.

- Oh, what are you doing?

- I'm not sure.
[audience laughs]

- I was looking for
your health card.

[audience laughs]

- You can get that later, doc!

- It's not in your--
- I'll give it to you later.

- All right, I'm just
gonna bridge you.

Right now, I'm just
crawl right over you.

Here we go, here we go.

Oh yeah, oh, this is good.
[Dave groans]

Oh, yeah.
- Oh, doc.

[audience laughs]

What are you doing?

- I'm not sure what I'm doing.

[audience laughs]

- I'm pretty sure a steamroller
doesn't work like this.

[audience laughs]

And I'm pretty sure my
legs don't work like that!

[audience laughs]

Okay, How are you feeling now?

- Are we snuggling now, doc?

[audience laughs]

Is step two the treatment?

Spoon then snuggle!

- I need to reinforce
good behavior [laughs].

All right, I have a
feeling you're cured.

- I think I am!
- Okay.

[audience laughs]

- Just let me hop right up,
I'm just gonna hop right up.

[Dave groans]

Here we go.

Yeah, I don't wanna be
around this area too long.

[audience laughs]

You're looking good already.

I can tell you got no more
curvature of the spine.

I'm just gonna stand up here,

'cause your foot's
in a bad spot.

[audience laughs]

Like a real bad spot, stop it!

[audience laughs]

Stop moving your.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, there we go, oh
yeah, oh, this is easy.

Oh, the temptation right now.

[audience laughs]

all right, I'll back
up, and you just hop up,

and you show me your swing.

'Cause I think you've
got it back, my friend.

- Here I come.

[audience laughs]

- Come on, just hop right up.

Just hop up!

[Dave groans]

Here we go.

[Dave groans]

[audience laughs]

- Here we go.

- You're kinda like a robot.

[audience laughs]

Like a robot that's constipated.

[audience laughs]

So good.

- I'm just taking my time, doc.

- The circulation's
returning to all your limbs.

- And I'm taking it all in.
- here, let me help you up.

I'll put my hands
on your something

- I feel sassy.

- There we go,
here we go, and up!

Up you come, up, up!

Oh!

Oh.
- Oh, oh.

- Okay, take a couple
steps and shake it out.

- Okay, take a couple steps.

- Take a couple steps.
- Couple steps.

- Here we go, taking
a couple steps.

Not me.

[audience laughs]

- All right, let
me get in position.

- All right, show
me that golf swing.

- Let me grab my club.
- Okay.

Ta-da!

- Look at you, swing it!
- Both hands!

It's all in the hips, pull
back, wiggle the hips,

[audience laughs]

and follow through!

Follow through!

- [Audience Member]
Follow through!

- Follow through!

Yes!
- And down you go!

That's amazing, you're cured!

- Doc, can I give you a hug?

- Yes!

- And to show you how good I am,

I'm gonna back up and
run into your arms.

- Put the golf club down.
- I will

[audience laughs]

- Down it goes!

[audience laughs]

- Let me just get
a running start,

gonna go over there and run.

- I'm a scarecrow.

- Here we go.

- [John] I'm a scarecrow
with scoliosis.

- Okay, let me turn around.

- Here you come.
- Here I come.

[audience laughs]

- [John] Caw, caw!

[audience laughs]

No crows are eatin' my corn.
- Here I go!

- Here he comes, here
he comes, hands up!

[Dave grunts]

[audience laughs]

- Let me hug you!
- Okay.

- [Dave] Let me wrap my arms,
there's one, there's two.

- You are cured!
- Thank you, doc.

- All right, thank you.

Thank you ladies,
you were awesome!

[audience cheers and applauds]

- [Dave] Thanks guys, great job.

- [Chris] That was
very good, thank you.

That was awesome [laughs].

- Are you guys having fun?

[audience cheers]

That's awesome, okay.

It is time,

for Mouse Trap.

[audience cheers]

- That's right.
- All right, here we go.

We're parting the curtains.

- [Audience] Ooh!

- [Dave] Wow.

- It doesn't look
that bad, right guys?

[Audience] No!

- [Chris] It's totally cool.

- All right, so, Mouse Trap,

The sketch Mouse Trap,
basically, the recap is,

we are going to listen
to Chris' direction.

We're going to have bare feet,

and we're gonna be blindfolded

and Chris is gonna direct
us to roll, step, walk, hit

every mouse trap that
is set on the stage,

which I've been led to
believe is over 200.

- 250, yeah.
- There's 250, so.

[audience cheers]

All right, so Chris,

you are going to be the
head elf working for Santa.

- Sure am.

- And We are?

- [Audience Member] Slave elves.

- We are slave elves. thank you!

[audience laughs]

- [Chris] Security.

- All righty.
- Are you ready?

- Wanna move over here?
- Yeah.

Goggles on.
- Goggles on.

- Googly eyes on.
- Googly eyes.

[audience laughs]

- Did you roll up your sleeves?

- What?

- Did you roll up your sleeves?

- Why?

- Well, 'cause I wanna match.

- 'Cause you gotta get
it on your forearms

if you're touching
the mouse traps.

- There we go.

- Obviously.
- More pain.

- [Chris] That's
right, okay, ready?

- No, I got one more sleeve.

- [Chris] Okay,
well, John, come on!

- Sorry, it was all sleeve-y

- [Chris] You're
getting the worst of it.

- All right, Dave,
are you there.

Okay.

Are you nervous, I'm nervous.

As a first year elf, I
can't believe Santa asked us

to cover for him
in the last house.

- This is my first
day on the job.

- Oh, man, man, man, we could
screw this up in so many ways.

I wanna make Santa proud of us.

- I know, so do I,
so do I, so do I.

We can do this though,
I'm sure of it.

- Are you there, Chris?

- Hey, Davey, Johnny,

look I don't know
how to tell you this,

Santa doesn't have a lot
of faith in you, okay,

so, I'm here to help you out.

We can't turn on any
lights, and it's pretty dark

so I got some night
cameras set up.

I'm in the van, the security
van parked around the corner.

I'm just gonna lead
you through everything,

through your little
in ear pieces, okay?

- Yeah.
- So, now look,

where are you guys, are
you guys on the roof yet?

- We're on the roof, We're
right by the chimney.

- Okay, good, good, good.

Now, listen, this
is very important,

there's some loose shingles
so you gotta be careful.

I want you to slowly
take a few steps forward

towards the chimney.

[gasping]

- Okay.

- [Chris] Perfect, a
little more, good, good.

[yelling]

- Hey, I think there's
squirrels up here!

- There probably
are, now wait, wait.

Now, what I need you guys
to do is, I need you Johnny,

I need you to take step to
your left just a little bit.

- Left, okay.
[mouse trap clicks]

- Little more, little more,
little more, there you go.

David, I need you to
take a step to your right

a little bit, little bit, there
you go, get right in there,

yeah, yeah, keep going,
okay, good, good.

Now, boys, you're
near the chimney.

I want you to get down and
crawl into the chimney.

- Crawl in the chimney?

- Yeah, it's not
very far forward,

but just get down
and crawl forward

a little bit into the chimney.

- Does Santa do this
every Christmas?

[Dave yells]
[audience laughs]

- [Chris] I'm gonna be honest,
he hires it out a lot, okay.

Good, good, good, now,
Davey, I need you, okay good.

Now, Move forward a little
bit, get into the chimney.

Little bit more,
little bit more.

Come on boys, come one,
they don't have all night,

they're gonna wake up,
let's go, lets go, okay.

[John grunts]

Good, good, good.

[mouse traps click]

Okay, Davey, Johnny, listen
to me, this is very important.

You're a little to
far to the right,

I need you to get to the left
as you exit the fire place.

Get to your left as you exit.

- I'm so glad we're exiting--
[shouting]

- [Chris] Guys, there's
probably LEGO on the floor

from the kids.
- There's lots of LEGO!

- I know, okay, to
the left, keep going,

crab walk to the left, you
guys got this, keep going,

little more, just
to the left, Davey,

just to the left, just
to the left, Davey.

- Left, okay.
- The other left.

- We can do this,
Dave, we can do this!

- I know, Santa will
be so proud of us.

- He's gonna be
so proud. [grunts]

- My toe, my toe.
- Are you guys okay?

- Just breathe through it,
just breathe through it,

we can do this.

- [Chris] A little more to the
left, keep going, keep going.

[Dave yells]
[mouse traps click]

Now, this is very important.

[audience laughs]

- John, John, you okay?

- I think it chopped my toe off!

[audience laughs]

- John, we're gonna
get through this.

- Guys, I need you
to focus, okay?

Now listen, there is
a dog in the house,

who is a very light sleeper.

- Okay.

- Now, I need you to take
this very seriously, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- There is a small chance
that dog will see you,

if you don't crawl
below the doggy gate

so you gotta make sure
you get down real low,

on your stomachs and army
crawl, just a couple feet.

[mouse traps click]
[John yells]

[yelling]
[mouse traps click]

Down, Davey, down,
Davey, crawl, yeah, yeah.

- Ow!

[shouting]

- You guys, I think you
passed the doggy gate.

Now look, I need you to make
your way to the living room,

come forward for me.

- Can you see the whole
blueprint of the house?

- [Chris] I can see everything.

[Both grunt]

You're about 30 percent
of the way there.

- No!
- 30!

- You're okay, okay, look,
you guys can stand up now.

Stand up real quick.
- I don't think I can!

- You can do it, Davey,
get up real quick, come on.

[mouse traps click]

Good boy, Johnny,
waiting on Davey.

Don't move, you guys are a
team, you work together, okay.

- Come on, buddy.
- Come on, Davey.

- [John] What part
of your body is this?

- My back.
- Okay, good [laughs]

[audience laughs]

- Up you go, up
you go, okay, okay.

Now look, I need you
to pay attention, okay,

I didn't wanna make
you guys nervous,

but this is actually a
pretty famous person's house.

They have some pressure
sensors on the floor,

but they only go off

if there is a lot of
weight in one spot.

So what you have to do is

move your feet around real
quick all over the place.

- Twinkle toes.

- That's right, to the
left, to the right, yeah.

Big circles, step around
in circles, big circles.

You're so close, good, now,
come forward, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Davey to your left, Johnny
to your right, good, good,

to your left, Davey, to
your left, to your left.

[mouse traps click]
[shouting]

Stop, stop!

[audience laughs]

[Dave whines]

[audience laughs]

- I wanna go home!

- You're so close.

Now, there's a tree, Johnny
I need you turn around.

You're facing the
wrong way, Johnny.

- Don't leave me, Johnny.

There's a tree in front
of you, I need you--

[groaning]

- That was a tender spot.

- [Chris] I'm sure
it was, but listen,

you're right by the tree, get
down on your hands and knees.

- Okay. [yells]

Hey, hey, I just
realized something!

I'm Jewish, I don't even
celebrate Christmas!

- It's okay, it's
for a good cause.

Get down, now, don't move
forward just get down.

Davey, you need to
get down too, big guy.

- You get off my back.

[audience laughs]

- Don't move forward,
don't move forward.

I need you guys to
roll to your left.

Johnny, just roll to your left.

- Roll?
- Roll to your left.

[mouse traps click]

That's great [laughs].

Just to your left, not
forward, just to your left.

[Dave yells]

[audience laughs]

Keep going, there's
so much more space

you gotta come into your left.
- I can't get him off!

- Just roll with him, roll
him onto the left, it's okay.

[Dave yells]
[mouse traps click]

[Dave yells]

- Okay, okay, good, good,
good, boys, focus, focus.

[Dave yells]
[mouse traps click]

- Stop, stop!

[audience laughs]

[John grunts]

I feel like I'm giving birth!

[audience laughs]

- Boys, I need you to focus.

- Okay, okay, we're
almost there, Dave,

Santa Clause, proud of us!

- [Chris] I need you to
crawl over Davey for me,

and there's a power
bar for the tree.

We need to light up the tree,

so it has a Christmas vibe
when those kids get up.

- I feel lit up.
[mouse traps click]

- [Chris] It's okay, I know,

you look like you're in some
pain, but I'm proud of you.

John, you're not even
facing the right way, pivot.

More, more, more, perfect.
[Dave yells]

He found the power bar,
it's okay the trees on.

Now listen, I need you to grab--

- [Dave] Stop, stop, no!

No, no, no, no, ow, ow, ow, ow!

No!

- John.
- Yeah?

- I need you to
grab the presents

off Dave's back in
the knapsack, okay?

- Yep. [groans]

[audience laughs]

- [Chris] Be quiet or
the dogs gonna hear you.

- Shh, we're almost through.

I unzipped it, I think
it's an Etch A Sketch.

- [Chris] It probably
is, Santa's cheap.

now, what I need you to do is,

put it under the tree carefully.

- Where's the tree?
- It's right in front of you.

I need you to get on
your hands and knees,

and crawl under the tree.

Don't disturb the lights, it's
very well decorated, okay?

[Dave yells]

- Hold on, Dave,
I got the present.

- [Chris] Now, wait,
this is very important,

don't move yet, Dave.

[audience laughs]

- Chris, you there?

[audience laughs]

- It was a bird!

Now, what I need
you to do, Dave,

is I need you to
move to your left.

This is very important, Dave.

Before John does anything,

move to your left you need
to get out of the way.

All the way to the
left, as far as you can.

Not forward, just to your left.

Just to your left, way over.

You got like 10 feet
to go to your left.

Not forward, just left.

You can do it, Dave.

It's only three o'clock in
the morning, we got time.

That's good, that's
good, perfect!

Now, Johnny, move forward and
to your left a little bit.

- Okay, 'cause I got the
Etch A Sketch right here.

- You have the Etch
A Sketch, good.

Now, Davey, stay out of the way.

John, I need you to place that

under the tree very carefully.

- [Dave] Ow, oh!

[audience laughs]

- [John] Look how
quiet I'm being though.

- Now, there's a
lot of fake snow

around the bottom of the tree,

You guys disturbed it, so I
need you to pack it down, John.

Just slap around
as much as you can.

All over [laughs], to
the right, to the left,

way in front of you, all around.

There's so much more snow
you need to pack down.

Keep going, keep
going, you're so close.

Oh, Davey, oh,
you're right there.

Oh, oh, Davey, okay, now, guys,

The snow is beautifully packed.

The present is under the tree.

I'm gonna send in two drones

to teleport you out
using Santa's magic.

And come to think of it,

we probably coulda use
them to teleport you in,

[audience laughs]

But that's irrelevant now,

we're gonna use them to
teleport you out, okay?

- Okay, sure!
- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

- Okay, ready, boys?
- Yeah.

[mouse traps click]

Thank you, I am so proud
of you for helping Santa.

[audience cheers and applauds]

That deserves a lot,
that deserves a lot.

[audience cheers and applauds]

- That hurt.

- [Chris] I'm really
proud of you guys.

Yeah, that hurts, eh?

- Yeah. [laughs]

- It's tough, but we did it.

- Yeah, that's right.

- All right.

- [Audience Member]
You're missing an eyeball!

Did you guys have fun tonight?

[audience cheers]

Did we raise money
for a good cause?

[audience cheers]

all right, very good, we
wanna thank all the volunteers

who helped us out, we
want to thank the Vernon

and District
Performing Arts Center!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Thanks, everybody,
we love you so much!

We'll see you at the back.

[upbeat music]

- I like the one where the

two gentlemen and two
women went up on stage

and had to act out,

and they had to guess
what the lines were.

- Well, you know, the
favorite part of the show was

I guess the whole thing, they
held the audience very well.

[upbeat music]

- [Interviewer] And
would you come back

to another Fidgets show?

- Yes
- Definitely.

[upbeat music]