All language subtitles for Mallrats

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(LAUGHS)

I told him, "Donald...

"I have to attend.
It's my ball."

And then he said:

”Thelodge only throws their
ball once every decade.

"Why can't you ever
attend my balls?"

And I said, "Jesus Christ, Donald, that's
what I've been doing for 30 years."

(LAUGHS)

You're such an idiot.

(STUTTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Gov. Dalton,
this is Jared Svenning...

the gentleman to whom you are
presenting the honorarium.

Governor, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Might I add, you're absolutely
stunning this evening?

You can dispense
with the ass-munching.

You're getting your check.

(LAUGHING)

(STUTTERING)

Thank you.

The grant, that is,
will go a long way...

towards funding
the new programming

that I'm working on for KREL.
Mmm...

That's the public
access station, right?

The one they run
the lottery numbers on?

Well, we, uh, air more
than just lottery numbers.

Mmm-mmm...
I mean, in fact...

we're going to broadcast a live game
show from a local mall this Saturday.

How long is this thing
going to take?

Tonight I've got
Melrose at 9:00.

Uh...

Well, there's dinner,
followed by the presentation.

Oh, and then we adjourn into the
auditorium for a stage presentation...

by the Drama
and History Clubs.

They put together an impressive
musical about Paul Revere...

enflfied
Light Your Own Lamps.

Is there a dance number?

Nothing better than a couple of
skimpily clad undergraduates...

just hurling themselves across
the stage, I always say.

Get me another highball.

Right away, Governor.

Will you stop?
Stop it! Cut it out!

Just don't eyeball everyone like that.
(CLEARS THROAT)

All you're doing is
creeping everyone out.

Sorry, Governor.

Sven, you know
these security types...

everyone a glory hound,
I always say.

(LAUGHING)

They're all just waiting to
tackle the next Sirhan Sirhan.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I mean, I ask you...
(CLEARS THROAT)

can you imagine anyone wanting
to attack me, for Christ's sake?

(LAUGHING)
(GROANS)

Freeze!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

What are you doing?
(CHUCKLING)

You looking at naked guys
in the shower again?

Didn't anyone ever tell you
not to point guns at people?

Once. I shot him.

Mmm.

Nice sneakers.

Oh, I went to look
for you in your room,

and Ronnie told me
I could find you up here.

(STAMMERING)
What gives?

I wanted to finish
that paper on supernovas...

and John Slas said that
I could use his telescope...

before he went home
for break.

What do you need his for?
You got your own.

No, I got the lenses, T.S.,
but I need Slas' shaft.

Oh.

You need Slas' shaft, huh?

You insatiable slut!

"We're all in the gutter, but some
of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde.
Mmm.

I thought that
you'd be down there

trying to secure the
best seat in the house.

This might be the first and last time
you ever see your boyfriend on stage...

especially in a musical.

(GRUNTS)

So I'd like you to be down
there front row, up center.

I'm gonna watch you
from up here.

With that thing?
You'll never see me.

Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea
how powerful this thing is?

I'll be able to see the flop
sweat form on your brow.

Yeah, but you won't
be able to hear me sing.

Bingo.

(LAUGHING)

Strident.

I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson
about being demure for your man.

In fact...

that's it. I'm having sex with
you right here, right now.

What are you doing?

Let's go, come on. Pull them down.
(SCREAMING)

Would you get off me? I've got work to do.
Oh, I don't mind.

I'll just let you finish
your star gazing.

I'll take you
from behind here.

It'll be great practice
for when we get older,

and you watch TV
while we screw.

Will you get off me?

All right.

For now.
Uh-huh.

But when
we get to Florida in...

about approximately
17 hours, you owe me.

About that...

Yes?

Well, I can't go.

Excuse me?

My dad's asked me to help
him with his new show.

What,
like his assistant or...

As a contestant.

You mean that
Dating Game rip-off thing?

That is what you're talking
about here, right?

Geez!

That guy knows no shame.

What, so he forbid you to go to
Florida when you said no, is that it?

(MURMURS)
I can't believe...

Brandi?

(SNIFFLES)

You didn't say no?

T.S., it's no big deal.
I mean, it's just TV.

Besides, it is really important
for my father's career.

Otherwise, he would
never have asked me.

Brandi, the guy hates me,
for Christ's sake.

Don't you think that might be a
little part of the motive here?

He'd love to see
us break up.

He'd love for us not to go on
that vacation, that's for sure.

What did you think,
for Christ's sake?

Jesus! You know,
for a science major,

you can be really
fucking stupid sometimes.

I was giving you the
benefit of the doubt, T.S.

I thought that you might be able
to handle this like an adult...

and show my father how wrong
he is about our relationship.

VVeH,lguess I credited
you with too much.

You are just as thoughtless
and possessive as he is.

You both see me as property.

(SNICKERING) In fact, the two of
you have so much in common...

you should just go
date each other.

Brandi, wait!

Just leave me alone.
Please.

Ow! Oh, no. The gun's
caught in your hair.

Would you get it out?
I'm trying.

Oh, Mr. Svenning...

Jesus Christ!
Don't kill me!

Oh, no! Shh.
For God's sake!

He's with me.

Oh, God! He's one of my people.
It's okay.

We'll be ready in five,
Mr. Svenning.

Go, it's okay.

No, your hair's caught around
the trigger here. Stop moving.

Would you just get it off?
It hurts.

The presentation will begin in
about five minutes, Governor.

Mmm-mmm.

SVENNING:
Why not freshen up a bit?

GOVERNOR: What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

That I look like a piece
of shit or something?

Maybe we can
jar it loose.

Here, come over here to the right.
Oh!

Here, lean over here.

(SCREECHES) Come over here, okay?
All right? Ready?

Sniper!

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

BOTH: Oh, shit!

How many are there?

I spotted two,
a male and a female.

What kind of artillery?

Perps were using
a shotgun.

Was the Governor hit?

Of course I'm hit,
you asshole.

You hit me like
some goddamn wrestler.

There's no blood.
She wasn't attacked.

Get your foot off my tit!

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Mr. Svenning, I quit!

Hey, I think they're
trying to signal us.

(SIRENS WAILING)
(T.S. PANTING)

It's okay,
we're not armed.

This is just a prop.
I'm in the musical.

It's just a blank.
It wasn't serious.

What did he say? I think
he said they were Syrians.

Sweet Christ,
terrorists on our campus?

Why is he dressed like a
Revolutionary War minuteman?

For irony! Your average terrorist's
a showman first, killer second.

My God! It's a member
of the History Club.

I blame the parents.
It's the parents at blame.

They are not raising their
children properly these days.

BRANDI: ls Jared Svenning
down there?

(WOMAN CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

That's you, isn't it?

(STAMMERING)
Uh, no. Well, yes...

but, I mean, how would
a terrorist know me?

(LAUGHING)

Daddy? It's me, Brandi.

That explains it.

(SVENNING GROANING)

(STAMMERING)
Governor, please.

I want to apologize
for this fiasco.

My daughter is a huge
fan of your work.

Svenning.

Your check.

Oh. (LAUGHING)

Oh, I don't know what
to say, but thank you.

You want money
for your pissant station.

Just try playing
the lottery.

No!

You know where
they air those results.

Oh!

Get me to
the goddamned hospital.

(SIGHS)

Now!

God damn,
I fractured my collarbone.

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

Mr. Svenning, look,
I want to apologize.

Thank you for squaring
everything with the police.

I know we probably
worried you,

but Brandi and I are both okay.
We-— (SNIFFLES)

If it wouldn't mean implicating
my daughter in this somehow...

I would insist that the
authorities lock you up...

for the rest of youryounglfie,
you goddamned little menace!

Sir, it was an accident,
I swear!

No, you're the accident,
you moron!

You have no idea what you
just cost me here today. Mmm!

I mean, you're like
all the other spoiled jerks

I've ever known
in my whole life!

Everything is handed to you
on a silver platter.

You people, you just don't
grasp the precept...

of somebody who has to
work for their breaks.

That's "concept."
What?

Oh, you said "precept,"
I think you meant to say...

"concept" Listen to me,
you little prick, you.

You may have
my daughter snowed...

but it'll be a cold day in hell before
you pull the wool over my eyes.

What you just did to me
here tonight...

I'm going to make it
my mission in life...

to do to you
on a regular basis.

Mmm!

Nobody fucks with
Jared Svenning's career...

and walks away clean, huh!

I promise you that.

(SIGHS)

Hey man, I just want to tell you that
I really dug what you did up there.

Anarchy rules, dude!
(CHUCKLES)

We're over, T.S.
Oh, come on!

I thought we weren't going through
this break-up, make-up shit anymore.

No, we're not. So you can
just forget about making up.

Listen to you. Why don't you
just admit it? Admit what?

That this isn't about just
what happened on the roof.

You're using that as an excuse
'cause you don't have the guts...

to stand up to your father.
Maybe I don't.

Come on, Brandi.
What about Florida?

You havejus t humiliated me in
front of the entire school...

the community, the nation,
for God's sakes.

You seriously damaged
my father's career...

you insult me with that
good-cop bad-cop routine...

and now you have the gall to ask me
if I still want to go on vacation.

I was going to propose
to you in Florida.

I thought that you'd screwed up in
every way possible tonight, T.S.

Guess I underestimated you.

Shit!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?

God!
What?

(SIGHS)

What time is it?

9:30.

Man, go back to sleep!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHING)
Thank Christ.

What the hell
are you doing?

Finishing my game.

No. You promised
me breakfast.

Breakfast!

Breakfast, shmeckfast. Look
at the score, for God's sake.

I'm only in the middle of the
second and I'm winning 12 to 2.

Breakfasts come
and go, Rene.

Now Hartford,
the Whale?

They only beat Vancouver once, maybe
twice, in a lifetime. (SNIFFLES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

You hit the bathroom already?

Don't worry. I didn't
let your mother see me.

Who's worried?
Are you kidding me?

I've never met a person who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.

I do not.
Mmm.

So that's why I have
to sneak in here...

after everyone's
asleep at night

and sneak out undetected
in the morning?

You want I should tell my mother
what we do in here at night?

That you play videogames
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?

Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.

What can I say?
She doesn't like you.

You've never even introduced
me to her, Brodie.

BRODIE: She wouldn't like you.

You're retarded. Everybody's
mother likes me.

Not mine.

Jesus Christ! Are you back
in the bathroom again?

What do you do in there all the time?
(TOILET FLUSHES)

RENE: Figure it out.

No, I mean like before. Like every
morning before you leave...

you're in there for
like a half an hour

and all I ever hear
is water running.

And?

You're not in there
touching yourself, are you?

I was wrong about you.
You're crass and retarded.

What do you do in there?

You really want to know?

I asked, didn't I? I'm playing
the role of the concerned guy.

I cry-

You cry?
I cry.

Any particular reason?

Hey!

I think about the people that make
decisions that affect our lives.

The doctors who make
advancements in curing diseases.

The engineer that
designs skyscrapers.

The guy that maps out
a plane's flight path.

The navigator.

I think about how those people
are out there every day...

making a difference,
leading big lives...

(DRAWER CRASHING) and how
they refuse to be intimidated

by the tremendous odds
of failure they face.

And how they only
concern themselves

with peers and company
that apply...

to their goals
and noble causes.

Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I
think about when I'm in the bathroom.

I think about
all that and I cry...

(SIGHS)

because I have nothing
better to do than fuck you.

(DOG BARKING)

You're dumping me?

What are you, crazy?

Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?

(EXCLAIMING)

Holy shit!
If it isn't mon fre're.

Last time I saw you,

you were on CNN taking
shots at public officials.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOG BARKING)

Mr. Quint.

Move!

So you're looking
for sanctuary.

It's been like this
all morning.

Can you blame them after the
spectacle you made of yourself?

What were you trying to do, anyway?
Impress Jodie Foster?

I wasn't gunning
for the Governor, Brodie.

It was a stupid
misunderstanding.

Ah. Now you're
crying patsy...

thus demonstrating all
the key characteristics...

of a lone nut assassin.

Usual vault rules apply: touch
not, lest ye be touched.

You're such an
anal-retentive bastard.

Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle
comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no...

you wanted to play
Little League instead.

What's that?

Like it? I framed it
before you got here.

Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you!

Hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned for Sega.

What's that mean? You had to be there.
Just keep reading.

Wow! Look at this
laundry list of complaints.

You have no direction, no college
ambition, no job prospects.

Yeah. It also says
I have no dick.

But you'll notice that follows the
financial question, proving once more...

what women really look for.

What do you do
for money, anyway?

Blood bank, sperm bank, currently
considering the eye bank.

Wow, she calls
you callow in here.

You say that like it's bad.

It means frightened and weak-willed.
Really?

Shit. That was the only part of the
letter I thought was complimentary.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter
filled with obscure adjectives.

What are you
telling me here?

I, too, now am in
the framing business.

Holy shit!
Brandi dumped you.

Wait a second, aren't you two
supposed to go to Florida?

Should've left this morning.
Oh, it gets worse.

I was gonna propose to her.
Where?

On the Universal tour. You're kidding!
What part?

When Jaws
pops out of the water.

That's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard.

Too bad I'm not
trying to marry you.

Let me ask you something. Did
you ever fart in front of her?

(SNICKERING)

Why do you ask?

I never farted in front of
Rene, not once, all right?

Then last week I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You think that that's
why Rene dumped you?

She's not the shallow
type, Brodie.

She was going down
on me at the time.

Shut up! What can I say? I
was feeling very relaxed.

When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
(EXCLAIMS)

If all she did was dump
you, you got off light.

I can't believe this shit.

Why are we sitting here
trying to figure out...

where we went wrong
with our significant others?

We just nailed it,
in your case.

No, there is something out there that can
help ease our simultaneous double loss.

Ritual suicide?

No, you idiot.
The fucking mall!

I prefer ritual suicide.

Oh, come on, man!
It'll be great.

They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand.

You have to try them,
they're awesome.

You think the promise of a
cookie is gonna lure me...

into doing something
I have zero interest in?

What am I, 5 years old?
(SIGHS)

Quint, don't be such a
pussy, all right? Just go.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

We can stop off at Brandi's if
that'll make you feel better.

You can talk to her,
maybe patch this thing up.

(WINDOW OPENS) Oh, Mr. Quint,
I'm Fred Bishop with NBC.

The network would like to buy
the rights to your story...

to make a tasteful telepic.
(GRUNTING)

Mr. Quint,
Tom Drucker, CBS.

We'll pay more money and we'll get Drew
Barrymore to play your girlfriend.

Hey, back off.

We can stop at Brandi's, right?
Yeah.

Get dressed.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Jazzercise? Why does your mother
have an aerobics tape in her car?

We lose them?

Not a news van in sight.

Damn, anyone ever tell you
you drive like the Bandit?

Oh, shit!
So much for seeing Brandi.

BRODIE: Just ignore them
and go in.

You kidding? That's Hard Edition.
That's tabloid TV.

They see me here and it's "Suburban
Bonnie and Clyde reunite...

"to slay father
in his own home."

Man, I don't know
what you're crying about.

I'd cut one of my nuts
in half to be on TV.

That'd get you
on this show.

All right, tell you what.
You go round the back...

I'll run interference
with the fourth estate.

You got my back?
Your back is got.

All right.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

So what's this all about?

I'm Tori Metzger
from Hard Edition.

We're hoping to get an interview
with Brandi Svenning.

Yeah, that's the girl who
took a shot at the Governor.

The same.
Do you know her?

Oh, I should say so. I've lived
next door to her for 19 years.

Even dated her once.

Shit, the stories I could tell you!
Really?

Satanic rituals?
Oh, all the time.

I remember coming over
for Christmas one year...

and they were celebrating
a black mass.

Her father had sex with a
goat right there in the den.

And nobody ever reported
this to the authorities?

Everyone around here
is paralyzed by fear.

Makes for shitty
block parties.

Could we possibly
go onto your property...

and get you on tape with
their backyard behind you?

You want to
put me on TV?

Shit, I'll take you
to their property

if you're gonna put me
on TV. Come on!

I was thinking
of calling you.

Has your dad
calmed down any?

Well, until this morning.

He read an article today comparing
him to the father of James Earl Ray.

(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)

Can't you explain it to him?
You know it was an accident.

I know it wasn't planned.

But "accident"
is too light a term

to describe
what happened, T.S.

Whatever. Can't we
just forget about it?

Look, we already
missed Florida.

We could be spending
this time alone together.

Away from our friends,
school, studies, everything.

Don't you want to spend
some time alone with me?

Just to talk.

Perhaps.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps more than talk.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Absolutely. I'm always one
for active non-talking.

Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHING)

Why don't you go get
a pizza with me tonight?

I've got
the game show tonight.

This is Svenning's bedroom.

Now, I must warn you.

The images that you capture,
whatever is going on in that room...

may be ungodly
and horrific.

Take a look.

(GRUNTING)

I can't believe that you're
still going through with this.

Come on, T.S.,
it's no big deal.

I mean, it's not like
I'm going to sleep with them.

You might as well.

I thought you had
more backbone than this.

Why do you have to do everything
that he tells you to do?

There you go again.

Just as you're making headway,
you louse it up with this...

possessive machismo which brings
everything endearing about you...

to a screaming halt, T.S.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

What are you doing out here?
Who are you people?

What are you doing on my property, huh?
Get out of here!

How do you answer
to your neighbor's charges

that you practice
satanic rituals?

Satanic what?

Daddy, what are you doing
outside in a towel?

You did this, didn't you?

You trashed
my fiscal year...

and now, you and your crony here
egg these media vultures...

into thinking they can...
(GROANING)

Daddy, T.S. had nothing
to do with--

Mr. Svenning, look. Whatever
happened, I assure you, I didn't--

You get your ass off
my property now! Go!

And you people, you get the hell out
of here before I call the cops!

Me, too?
Now!

(SCREECHES)

I don't know what
he's so mad about.

They'll digitally erase his organ
when they air the footage.

Goddamn it!
What is my problem?

I was this close to reconciliation
and I blew up at her.

And here I'm going to the
fucking mall, of all places.

You know what, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
I'm going home.

Look, the safest place for you
to be right now is at the mall.

No press'll think to look for you here.
Hide in plain sight.

Just shut up!

You know what, this is all your
fault this happened anyway.

You and your
15 minutes of fame.

Get a grip,
for God's sake.

Did you ever stop
to think...

that maybe the relationship wasn't
on firm ground to begin with?

Hey!

You know, it couldn't have been that
strong if she breaks up with you...

over something stupid like
getting her shot at, numbskull.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Hey.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

I love the smell of
commerce in the morning!

You're really making that last.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Waste not, want not.

What, you want
to say something?

Yeah, about
a million things...

but I can't express myself monosyllabically
enough for you to understand them all.

Asshole!
Prick!

Fuck you! What the hell
was that all about?

He's a jerk from
Fashionable Male,

this upscale wannabe
shop on the 2nd floor.

He's the manager. The guy's
always giving me shit.

I've no idea why.

I thought everybody
loved you at this mall.

"F" him! Where do
you want to go first?

Back to Brandi's.

Look, Brandi is the past,
my friend.

She's behind you now.

You face forward, or you face the
possibility of shock and damage.

(METAL CLINGS)

You should learn
to heed your own advice.

Where the hell did that come from?
What's going on here?

It looks like a stage
is being erected.

What is this monstrosity?

Maybe it's for
the Easter Bunny pictures.

Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is
down at the other end of the mall.

It's been up since two days after Christmas.
I want answers.

Ask one of the workers.

No, there's a soul
who might know what's up.

Willam.

Willam!
Poopie trim.

Brodie, man,
what's going on?

What, do you
work here now?

No, man.
Just hanging with T.S.

T.S., I saw you on TV.
I think it was on Baywatch.

CNN, Willam.

Oh yeah, didn't you kill
the Pope or something?

I got a musket tangled in my
girlfriend's hair, for Christ's sake.

Oh.

What are you doing,
Willam?

Looking for
the hidden picture.

If you stare at these things long
enough, you're supposed to see...

some kind of hidden
three-dimensional picture.

Oh, yeah, look.
It's a sailboat.

You saw it, too?
Dammit!

What? I've been staring
at this thing...

for a week now from
opening till closing

and I can't see
a goddamned thing!

You gotta relax
your eyes.

Everyone sees
this thing except me.

Today's my day. I brought
a lunch and a soda...

and I'm not gonna leave until I see this
sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

So, Willam...

would you happen to know what
this stage business is all about?

It's not a stage!

I'm gonna see it if I
have to go blind trying.

No man,
this stage over here.

Oh, that thing? I think some
game show in the mall today.

I think it's going
to be on TV.

It's called Truth or
Date or something.

Oh, my God! That's Brandi's
father's game show.

What is it? It's this cheesy
Dating Game rip-off thing.

Supposed to be
for college kids.

Just trying to capture
the '90s youth market

with a staple
of '70s television.

Why can't they bring back
or remake good shows...

like BJ and the Bear?

Now there's a concept I can't get
enough of: a man and his monkey.

Would you guys shut up?

You're breaking my concentration.
Sorry, Willam.

Now I have to start
all over again.

Good luck
with that thing.

Remember,
relax your eyes.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Wow, a sailboat!

Shut up!

(SIGHS)

Could this week
get any worse?

Now she's going to be auctioned
off on live TV from a mall.

Not "a" mall,
all right?

"The" mall.
Show some respect.

It doesn't have to go down like
that, if we trash the thing.

There's a unique way of getting
back in her good graces,

by ruining
her father's show.

You're a clever one. I can
get someone to do it for us.

We'll be blame-free and Brandi
won't be able to do the show.

Who is this imaginary
hatchet man?

Hatchet men.

Knock it off!

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

Look at these two. $10 says
they're trying to figure out...

which one they're gonna
bury up to its neck

and run over
with a lawn mower.

Kitty, kitty, kitty!
Hey, Jay!

Brodie, man!
Nootchy nootchies!

And, holy shit,
what do we have here?

Mr. America's
Most Wanted himself.

I had a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair.

Ex-girlfriend.
What's he doing?

Oh, shithead here watched
Empire and Jedi last week...

and ever since, he's been trying
to do the Jedi mind trick.

Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate
shit with his thoughts.

Knock it off!

The Force is strong
with this one.

Dude, don't encourage him.

So I was telling T.S. here we
gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.

If there's anyone
that can help us out...

it's the two guys that have
even less to do than us.

What is this shit? Everyone's
looking for us today.

We're ducking Tricia
'cause she wants to talk

to Obi-Wan about
her video set-up.

Why him? Silent Bob's
an electrical genius.

He won the science fair in eighth grade
by turning his mom's vibrator...

into a CD player, using
chicken wire and shit.

Motherfucker's like MacGyver. No,
motherfucker's better than MacGyver!

Knock it off!

And it's that kind of smarts
we need, right, mopey?

Leave me out of this.

We need you to embark
on a little sabotage mission

on behalf
of T.S.'s love life.

(VOCALIZING ROCK SONG)

You know about this game show
thing they've got going on here?

We need you guys to somehow
ensure that it doesn't happen.

Is that it? We were
gonna do that anyway.

Really? Why? What
else are we gonna do?

Silent Bob just stole the schematic of
the stage from some foolish carpenter...

and found a weakness, just
like the fucking Death Star.

He figures if you pull
this crossbeam out...

fucking bickety-bam, the whole
stage comes crashing down.

We were thinking
about something simple...

but if you want to destroy the
stage, we're all for that.

Only problem is LaFours.

Who's LaFours?

You don't know
who LaFours is?

They don't know
who LaFours is!

JAY: He's only the most feared
security guard in the business, man.

460 collars, all convicted.

I hear he's even
got two kills.

Holy shit! I never thought
I'd see the day...

when two such highly reputable
mischief-makers as yourselves...

douse their drawers at the sight
of a mall security guard.

Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out
that stage like a high-school kegger.

We're just gonna outwit
LaFours, X-Men style.

Should I call you Logan,
Weapon X?

No, Wolverine!
Snicky, snicky, snoine.

What he's doing is imitating Wolverine's
berserker attack with his Adamantium claws.

I never would have guessed.

All right, guys.
You have your mission...

go forth and wreak havoc.

(KNOCKING)
Bye, baby kitties.

Damn, Silent Bob,
show some heart.

Pss,pss_.

That's better.
We're on the job.

Thanks.

I have to admit I'm shocked you
didn't try to dissuade them.

I would if I actually thought for
a second they could pull it off.

Oh, ye of little faith,
want a cookie?

(BIRD CAWING)

What's he doing?

If you stare at this poster for a few
seconds, a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it?
Please?

TEACHER: Go ahead, but hurry,
the Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner!

(LAUGHING)

You dumb bastard! It's not a
schooner, it's a sailboat.

A schooner is a
sailboat, stupidhead.

You know what?

There is no Easter Bunny!

Over there is just
a guy in a suit!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

But they're engaged. It doesn't
matter, it can't happen.

Why not?
It's bound to come up.

It's impossible. Lois could
never have Superman's baby.

Do you think her fallopian
tubes can handle his sperm?

I guarantee he blows a load like a
shotgun, right through her back.

What about her womb?

Do you think it's strong
enough to carry his child?

Sure. Why not?

He's an alien,
for Christ's sake!

His Kryptonian
biological makeup

is enhanced by
Earth's yellow sun.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid could
kick right through her stomach.

Only someone like Wonder Woman has a
strong enough uterus to carry his kid.

The only way he could bang regular
chicks is with a Kryptonite condom.

But that would kill him.

How did I go from the verge of
hot Floridian sex with Brandi...

to Man of Steel coital debates
with you in the food court?

Cookie stand is not
part of the food court.

Of course it is.

The food court is downstairs,
the cookie stand is upstairs.

It's not like we're talking
quantum physics here.

The cookie stand
counts as an eatery,

the eatery's a part
of the food court.

Bullshit. Eateries that operate within
the designated square downstairs...

qualify as food court.

Anything outside of said
designated square...

is considered an autonomous
unit for mid-mall snacking.

Now if you're gonna wax
intellectual about the subject...

Holy shit!

Wait here.
Where are you going?

(SIGHS)

Cherchez la femme.

He said it was
just a guy in a suit.

Don't listen to that man,
he just said it to be mean.

That would look
terrible on you.

Didn't I dump your ass
this morning?

Look, I know you've had some time to
think about the mistake you've made...

and I just want to let you know
you don't have to apologize.

I'm sure you were just
PMSing or something.

Brodie, what kills me about you
is your inability to function...

on the same plane of
existence as the rest of us.

Piss off.

Okay. I see you want to continue with
this charade of ending our union.

Fine, I'll play along.

But if we're divorced, we're gonna
have to divide our mutual possessions.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You have my
Punisher War Journal #6...

my copy of Fletch and the
remote control to my TV.

I know it's gonna be hard
to give this stuff up

because of its
sentimental attachment.

Sentimental attachment?

If I have any
of that crap...

it's because you brought it over
to my house and left it there.

Okay, then let's
talk about coming up

with a schedule
for visitation rights.

For what?
For the mall.

I figure you can
have the odd days,

I'll take the even days
and weekends.

When there's any
special function

like a sidewalk sale,
boat show--

Brodie!

I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.

On your birthday, when you
asked me to do a striptease...

to the theme from Mighty
Mouse, I said okay.

When we were at that
hotel, prom night...

and you asked me to sleep
underneath the bed...

in case your mother
burst in, I did it.

And even when we were
at my grandmother's funeral...

when you told most
of my relatives...

that you could see her nipples
through her burial dress,

I let it slide.

If you think that I'm gonna suffer any
more of your shit with a smile...

now that we're broken up, you're in for
some serious fucking disappointment.

It wasn't Mighty Mouse. It
was Josie and the Pussycats.

What?

Sorry.

JAY: Phase one:

First, you take a run at LaFours
with a sock full of quarters.

I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humping your mom last night. Nudge.

You clock him on his headpiece
and knock his ass out cold.

That's when
phase two kicks in.

I attack the structure
Wolvie-berserk style

and knock out
the fucking pin...

and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.

(COINS CLANKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

T.S.: What? Do you know
that kid or something?

I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.

T.S.: What is with you today?

Don't get me wrong.
I don't wish the kid harm...

but his mother should suffer
that horrific ordeal...

so she'll learn how
to manage her child.

That's sort of a harsh
lesson, don't you think?

There's not a year goes by that I don't
read about an escalator accident...

involving some bastard kid that
could've been easily avoided...

had some parent,
I don't care which one,

but some parent,
conditioned him...

to fear and respect
that escalator!

Wow! Look who it is.

Jerk!

Little Tricia Jones!

What's a pretty
girl like you...

doing sitting alone in the middle
of this monument to consumerism?

Updating my calendar and waiting
for Jay and Silent Bob.

And I suppose you're here
with no agenda, as per usual.

On the contrary,
I'm here for comics.

T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.

Nobody calls me that.

Our little Tricia here is only 15
but, uh, somehow she's a senior.

How'd you manage that?
(SLURPING)

Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right.

So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S.
or what?

Jesus, Brodie!

Calm down.

Tricia's compiling data
for this book she's writing...

about the sex drive
of men ages 14 to 30.

If I remember correctly,
it's titled Bore-gasm:

A Study of the '90s
Male's Sexual Prowess.

Ready to get sick? Tell him
about the advance you got.

Pendant Publishing
gave me $20,000

based on a treatment
and a sample chapter.

You're kidding.
BRODIE: It's true.

She'll be the youngest author
to tackle the subject.

So when are they going to publish
this filthy little tome of yours?

After my 18th birthday, to avoid
the moral and legal entanglements.

So Tricia sleeps with a
bunch of guys as research.

If that's not enough,
get this:

She videotapes all of them.
What?

I get everybody's consent
before we do it.

Most guys get off on it.

Men are easily amused.

(STUTTERING) What are you
writing in the calendar?

I was coding
last night's research.

She means sex.
I know what she meant.

What kind of codes?
Here, look.

The smiley face is for
when I go down on the guy.

The smiley face with lashes is for
when the guy goes down on me.

The circle is for
when we have sex.

The circle with the "X" in it
is for when I have an orgasm.

The little house is
when we do it inside

and the grass is
for outside.

That kid is back on
the escalator again!

Wow, that's a pretty
elaborate log you got there.

Wow, look at all those smiley
faces without eyelashes.

That shows you how
courteous men are.

Out of 50 entries, only two
have smiley faces with lashes.

You slept with 50 guys?

To fill out
my research, yes.

That's more guys than
you've slept with, dude.

Oh, my God. That kid is sitting
on the escalator again!

How old was last night's subject,
if you don't mind me asking?

Twenty-five.

It was the guy who runs
that store Fashionable Male.

Holy shit! You slept
with that asshole? Why?

I needed a 25-year-old.

And he has quite a distaste
for you, I might add.

Ew, he mentioned me
during sex?

Afterwards.

He says he wants
to kick your ass.

I'd steer clear of him,
if I were you.

Tell me you videotaped
him saying that. No.

I shut the camera off
after the sex.

You should have heard the
stuff he wanted to do.

I'm having
a hard time with this.

Do your parents
know about this?

Of course.

That's remarkable.

That's criminal.
That kid...

That kid is back on
the escalator again!

Leave it alone.
What?

So, I heard you were going to propose
to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.

When are men going to learn
that women want romance?

Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Be fair, all right?

Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.

(SIGHS)

Remember my offer.

I'm young, virile, sensitive
to a woman's needs...

Somehow I doubt it,
Sega-boy.

Good luck with
the comic-book store.

"Sega-boy." God,
Rene's got a big mouth!

What does that mean, "Good luck
with the comic-book store"?

How does thatjunior Masters and
Johnson know about my proposal?

It's not like she's in an
exclusive club or anything.

What are you
talking about?

Sean Hartle's giving
everyone the inside scoop.

What? What's he saying?

How her father made
her do the game show

so you couldn't
take her to Florida.

Now, what the hell
is this shit?

One hour? For what?

What the hell is this?
What's going on here?

What, you live in a fucking cave?
The man is in there.

How'd Sean find this out?

He was interning at KREL and
he said he heard Svenning...

barking at Brandi
over the phone about it.

Apparently he had a feeling you
were gonna pop the question.

Who the fuck is the man?

What, you waited till now
to tell me this?

If you're gonna bother me about
this for the rest of the day...

I'll go home!
You dragged me here!

You needed this.
Who the fuck is in there?

One side, Red.

What the hell's
going on here?

I was warned about you.

Take it easy before I have
you removed-- Warned?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Tell him, Steve.

Fuck you, fan-boy!

Would you testosterone-seething,
He-Man comic book fans...

finish up with this
tough-guy back-and-forth?

I got some questions
I need answered.

Who's in there?

You got to ask me nicely.

Fuck this.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Jesus Christ!

Get the hell off of him.
Come on.

You fuckers think just 'cause a guy
reads comics he can't start some shit?

I'll fucking
take all of you on!

MAN: Somebody get a medic!

There's a little boy
caught in the escalator!

Come back here
and arrest this goon!

You're fucking next, man.
Jesus, Brodie!

I'm not going anywhere until I find
out why I can't get my comics.

All right.

Excuse me.
Don't hit me.

Why is there a line?

Stan Lee is signing comics.

Stan Lee?

JAY: Okay, Lunchbox,
let's try this again.

We tie you to the roof, you jump
and sail like a Spitfire...

passing right over
the arch-nemesis LaFours.

You then swing up to the
stage and knock out the pin.

And when that's gone, the stage is
trashed and we go smoke a bowl.

You got it? Now, get
your fat ass out there!

And, dude, don't forget your helmet.
Snoogins.

Fly, fat-ass, fly!

What the fuck?

You fucker!

WOMAN 1: Security?
WOMAN 2: Is it alive?

Yeah.
This is Popular Girl.

We just had something
crash through the wall.

Stan Lee! How does something
as big as the creator...

of the most important titles in comics history...
coming to my mall get by me?

I must be slipping
in my old age.

The name amongst names.

There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.

Her father!

I knew this game show thing was just a
beard for an attempt to break us up.

Why can't he just
leave us alone

and let us follow through
with our plans?

What kind of man
are you, anyway?

I'm talking comics and you
bring up chicks and romance?

While we're on the subject, why the hell
do you want to get married now, anyway?

You're still in college.

I was just gonna propose.

The wedding wouldn't be
till after we graduate.

Waste of time,
if you ask me.

My grandmother always said,
"Why buy the cow...

"when you get
the sex for free?"

She did?
All the time.

Of course, she became a
lesbian on her 60th birthday,

but that's beside
the point.

Where the hell are these
two going in such a hurry?

Is he gone? Halfway to
Buy Me Toys by now.

JAY: Damn, that bastard's faster
than Walt Flanagan's dog.

BRODIE: What's with
all the running?

What the hell
happened to him?

The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.

We'll have to take a pass on
the stage-trashing business...

otherwise he's liable
to kill himself.

Sorry, bro.
Oh, no hard feelings.

Isn't that Rene?

BRODIE: She's probably
looking for me.

I better go talk to her.

Keep that.

I don't know.
She's with somebody.

She's practically
blowing him.

Wait a minute,
isn't that...

BRODIE: The asshole
from Fashionable Male!

Son of a bitch!

T.S.: My God!
You think that they're...

Could be. It'll explain
why he hates me so much.

And there's only
one way to find out.

Can you run interference
with the lug?

What are you gonna do?
Get some answers.

Shit!

Oh, you work at the
Fashionable Male, don't you?

Yeah? So?

That's a great store
you got there.

Uh, thanks. Listen,

I'm trying to spend my lunch
hour with my lady friend here.

So why don't you beat it?

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Oh, that's your girlfriend?
Right there?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

If you don't stop
gawking at me

and get the hell out of here,
I'll kick your ass.

Haven't you ever
heard the phrase,

"The customer's always right"?
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Let me tell you
a little secret:

The customer's
always an asshole!

Jesus Christ!

What the hell gives
with the cover boy?

None of your damn business. He'd
kick your ass if he knew about this.

Are you insane? The guy
looks like a date rapist!

Is that my jacket?
Start the elevator.

Not until you tell me
what the situation is

with you and
the Sperminator out there.

How long has this
been going on?

Since I finally mustered the
good sense to send you packing.

He's a much more suitable
companion than you, any day.

Are you nuts?

The guy's pure testosterone! He's a
walking hard-on, looking for a hole!

I need testosterone after babysitting
you and your comic book collection.

I forgot what
real men were like.

I can't believe you have the nerve
to come to my mall and pick up guys!

Oh, no,
Shannon did the picking up.

He's already taken me to lunch
at the Cheese Haus...

purchased tickets for the opera
night and took me to stores I like!

I took you shopping
all the time!

You took me where you
went shopping, jerk!

Do you think I care
what rat-hole store

in that shit-pit you
call the dirt mall...

has got the latest
Godzilla bootlegs?

You call eating pizza in the same
dive pizzeria every night eating out?

Do I give a shit when two major comic
labels are crossing over characters...

and selling two editions of the
book in varied-ink chromium covers?

I'm a girl, damn it!

I want to do girly things like fix someone's
hair and get romantic phone calls.

I call you all the time!

"Rene, my mom's asleep. Come
over." You call that romantic?

When was the last time you pulled out
my chair or told me I was beautiful?

This guy does all this
in the span of a day!

This guy already introduced
me to his mother.

Really?

He was up and at work
by 9:00 this morning.

Unlike my ex-boyfriend,
who would sleep until 1200...

'cause he played Sega and
watched videos all night long!

Which, by the way, has enormous
effect on your libido.

Oh, now you attack
my libido?

There's no libido to attack.

No libido to attack?

You're sure you saw
her get on, right?

Maybe she was
getting off.

(GRUNTS)
Ow!

Sorry.
It's all right.

You know something?
You look familiar to me.

Couldn't be. I'm never
at the mall much.

No, it's not
from the mall.

I know. You're the guy from the news that
kidnapped the President's daughter...

and threw her
off the roof.

I got a musket tangled in my
girlfriend's hair, for Christ's sake.

(MIMICKING DISCO BEATS)

There, that was
romantic, right?

Passionate, yeah.

No, Brodie. That was
too little, too late.

Too little?

You said it was
a good size.

The effort, you retard. The
effort was too little, too late.

But now that you mention it, when
a girl says it's a good size...

it's a nice way of
saying that it's small.

Hey!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

I'm gonna kill
that son of a bitch.

No, forget about him.

He just wanted to give me something that
he forgot to give me a long time ago.

He's harmless now. Okay?

Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.

(BOTH PANTING)

Right there in
the elevator?

I don't know
what came over me.

She challenged my libido.

I felt obligated to defend
myself against her accusations.

Oh, it's not like you
still wanted her.

Not in the least.
I'm over her.

Holy shit!

You really love that girl.
Yeah, right.

No, I never noticed it before, but
she really fuels your engine.

You have this new glow about you.
I don't have a glow.

You do.
You're glowing.

If I have a glow
it's because just I got laid.

I'd look the same if I banged
anyone in that elevator,

present company excluded.

Deny it all you want. I think you're
too proud to admit you want her back.

I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.

What is your problem? I
don't understand. (GROANS)

Oh, Gwen! I'm sorry.
You fucker!

(GROANING)

See! That's what you get
for fucking with me.

Hey, Gwen, he didn't
really mean to hit you.

He's got a funny way
of showing it,

by elbowing me in
my frigging tit!

Why the hell
are you glowing?

I'm not glowing.

Brandi dumped him.
(T.S. GROANING)

Would you stop saying that?

I know. I heard.

You heard? How?

She told me. I ran into
her a few minutes ago.

Really? Where?
By the stage.

(GROANING)

Do you want me
to rub it?

Work with me, people,
would you please?

No, I don't want this here.

I want it toward the front.

The rug keeps popping UP-

If I put the podium there,
it'll stay down.

Move it!

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Svenning!
Give me the podium!

You put the podium
down over here...

Like this.

You stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English?

Like this.

(GRUNTS)

Mr. Svenning!
Let me help you up.

Get off! Move!
Here, let me help you.

(GRUNTS)

All right, where's Brandi?
Let go of me!

Where's Brandi?

(SIGHS)

You're fired. You get
the hell out of here.

Get off my set!

Where is she?

You are out of her life.

Now, you stay out of her business
and mine, understand me?

Come on, people.
Are we working here?

Get the backdrop ready.
Are those lights ready to go?

MAN: Okay, Mr. Svenning.

Go on the other side
and put the podium

over the bad spot
in the carpet, okay?

The hole? Please. Go.
Now. Uh-huh.

So, you made
her dump me...

and now you're going
to auction her off

in an effort to better
further your own career?

Not that it's any
of your concern,

but Brandi agreed to be
on Truth or Date.

After that shit you
pulled last night,

I think she's even
looking forward to it.

It'll give her a chance to find
herself a decent guy. (SIGHING)

Somebody with a brain.

You admit it?
You are behind our break-up.

Admit it?

Hell, I'm as proud of it as I
am of this game show here.

(SIGHS)

Listen to me.
It's over between you two.

The sooner you get that, the
better off we're all gonna be.

Understand me?
You don't.

(SIGHS) Guard, come here.
Get this guy off of my set.

If he gives you any shit, you have
my permission to castrate him.

T.S.: You can't do this!

I just did.

Get me LaFours.
Right away, sir.

Well, go on!

(MAN CHATTERING)

I wonder if my mother
ever wore a pair like this.

How about these?

Very sexy.
That sounded convincing.

I'm preoccupied.

T.S., she told you. She's just
doing it as a favor to her father.

Regardless.

It's not like she'll fuck
the guy on public access.

She might as well.
You're overreacting again.

That's why your
relationships fail.

It's certainly
why ours did.

You got bent out of shape the same way
over that costume party in high school.

You fucked Rick Derris
on a pool table!

With everyone watching,
noless.

It was a costume party, T.S.

No one could tell
it was me.

Besides, who else but you
remembers shit like that?

I would've been
a sexy chick.

Do you remember
that costume party?

Might that have been the one where you
banged Rick Derris on the pool table?

Nobody remembers
shit like that?

How is it that you recall
the most trivial events?

I'll never forget it.
How many chances

do you get to see
Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Didn't I look just
like Burt Reynolds?

BOTH: Except for
the moustache.

You know, they have a whole room
you're supposed to do that in?

Some pervert wanted to see
me naked so badly today...

he busted in on me twice
while I was trying on stuff.

This saves him the effort. Oh.

Ooh.

How much longer are we gonna be
in this chick store, anyway?

I'm starting to get
a mean hard-on.

Brodie, Tell me about
the Rene break-up.

I threw her away like
a parking ticket. Ha!

Don't front, Brodie. I talked
to Rene's cousin this morning.

It was vice-versa.

They certainly aren't
acting broken up.

Go ahead.
Ask him about the elevator.

Tell me about the elevator.

It goes up and down.

(MIMICS RIM SHOT)

Rene seems
so coarse, anyway.

What was it like
to date her?

Ever slept with somebody?

Uh,yeah.

I mean, really slept
with somebody.

Beside them, not just fuck
them on a gaming table.

We slept together one time,
remember, in high school?

That ski trip?
That was you?

Yes, Brodie, I've slept
beside many people.

All right.

You know how when someone lays
with their back to you...

and you lay behind
them really close

and you throw
one arm over them?

It's called spooning.

But you gotta put
the other arm somewhere.

You can either lay on it or just
shove it in between your bodies.

The only other option is to
stretch it above your head.

But sometimes my arm pops out of the
socket when I'm sleeping like that.

So, I was constantly searching
for someplace to keep my arm...

while still laying
close to her.

And?

What do you mean, "And"? That's like a
metaphor for our whole relationship.

Jackass.

I'm all out. I'll meet you at
the food court. (SNIFFLING)

(SOBBING) I know exactly
how he feels. Excuse me.

Fill this with Coke, no ice.

Want a sip of my soda?

(GROANS)

Smartass ex-boyfriend.

You know who I am?

A deeply resentful
retail manager?

(GRUNTS)

Rene's with me now.
Okay? You got that?

So don't be sniffing around her
anymore like you tried to do today.

(GROANS)
Shit!

There goes the lung.

(PANTING)
Listen to me.

I got two things to tell you.

One: I don't like you.

I see you every week
in this mall.

Idonfihke
shiftless layabouts.

You're one of these
fucking loser mallrat kids.

You don't come here to work or
shop, you hang out all day.

Act like you
fucking live here.

I have no respect for people
with no shopping agenda.

Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?

(GROANS)

Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fucking clueless.

The newly single often feel strangely
protective of the ex-boyfriend.

If this is her idea
of protective,

hate to have her
mad at me.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Now, you see, Bruce...

I like to pick up girls on the rebound
from a disappointing relationship.

They're more vulnerable, they're
in much more need of solace...

and they're fairly
open to suggestion.

And I use that suggestion to fuck
them someplace very uncomfortable.

What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?

No, like somewhere
girls dread.

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

All right. Now, uh...

is it because
it's a challenge?

Is it because it's taboo?

Or is it because
I like to, you know...

have them differently than
they've ever been had before?

This sounds like a discussion
much more suited...

to an extended professional
counseling session.

I'll go get
a therapist for you.

(GROANS)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Now, evidently, the only one
that's gonna need a doctor here...

is yourself, my friend.

And my suggestion
to you is...

forget you ever dated Rene.

Until I get what I'm looking for
from this latest dalliance...

I better not find you within
10 city blocks of her...

otherwise I will be forced to do
you some very serious damage.

All right? Hmm?
We clear on that?

Rene who?

There you go.
Not bad, you're learning.

Well, all right, Bryce.

Bruce.

(GRUNTING)

I'm glad we had
this little chat.

I'll remember it when I'm
fucking your girlfriend.

Oh, and, uh, my store's
having a sale next weekend.

You should come by. I'll cut
you a nice deal on a suit.

Did we ever get along?

Once or twice.

How come we went
out as long as we did?

You had cable.

So, are you gonna
stay for the show?

Absolutely not. As soon as
he gets back here, I'm gone.

T.S. Quint. Where's
your sense of chivalry?

Oh, my God!
Is that Brodie?

You're fucking kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?

All I said was
the Easter Bunny

at the Menlo Park mall
was more convincing.

He justjumped the railing
and knocked me down.

He's fucking dead!

Oh, let it go.
He's under a lot of pressure.

What the hell
happened to him?

The guy in the Easter Bunny
suit kicked his ass.

Fuck all that shit.
Come on, Silent Bob.

What really happened?

The proprietor of
Fashionable Male

beat a rain check
into my stomach.

Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?

I went out with him
after we dated.

He tried to screw me somewhere
very uncomfortable once.

What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?

Sounds like his M.O.

Can you get up?
Am I still glowing?

You're barely breathing. Was
Rene involved in any of this?

This was an independent
act of aggression.

He told me that
his intentions were

to penetrate
my ex-girlfriend...

in the most notorious of body cavities.
Sounds just like him.

Oh, you better tell Rene. Let him
do whatever the hell he wants.

If she's not smart enough
to see him for what he is,

she deserves
the discomfort.

I, on the other hand,
have had just about

all the discomfort
I can stand for a day.

Oh, shit, I'm late.
I gotta go.

You're just gonna leave
with him in this condition?

I gotta split.
You gonna be okay?

Couple of pins in the hip,
I'll be good as new.

That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.

Women, always leaving you when you've
just had the crap kicked out of you.

You look like
you're gonna live to me.

You stay here.
I gotta hit the bathroom.

Please, don't say "hit!"

(MUSIC PLAYING)

EASTER BUNNY:
All right, honey.

Don't forget to look for
your Easter eggs on Sunday.

Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.

EASTER BUNNY: All right, who's next?
It's hot in this goddamn suit!

Hey, guys. Wait in line
like everybody else.

What the hell is this?

This is for Brodie.

(EASTER BUNNY GRUNTING)

(KIDS GASPING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

He's here.

What?
Him and Brodie.

Don't sweat it, though.
He's leaving. Oh.

He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.

BRANDI: Maybe because we're
broken up for good this time.

I remember when
I dumped T.S.

I was all right with it till
he started dating you.

A little jealousy residue?

I thought so at first.

Then I realized it
was more than that.

When I saw how
he was with you,

how well you two
complemented each other...

it finally hit me that
T.S. is a great catch.

Gwen, you were always
cheating on him.

Capricious youth?

Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.

Jesus, Gwen. The last thing
I need at this point...

is a lecture on my love life.

All I'm saying is that the really
good guys are few and far between.

In fact, I haven't
met one since T.S.

Even if I did meet one, I guarantee I'd
use him as the basis for my comparison.

You can have him
if you want him.

Believe me,
I might consider trying...

if he weren't
so hung up on you.

Well, I gotta get home.

Have a great show.
Okay. Bye.

Chocolate-covered pretzel?

This is Roddy,
Mr. Svenning's assistant.

Mr. Svenning would like
to have a word with you.

Where? Ah,
these are melting.

Copy that.
By the stage.

Tell him I'll be
there in a minute.

What do you think?
I don't trust it.

Maybe he's calmed down a little bit.
We'll talk reasonably.

Reasonably, shmeasonably. You should
go over there and give him shit.

You kidding? I'm trying
to marry his daughter.

All right, so you can't scream at
him, but after all he's done...

you should still
kind of stick it to him.

How do you propose
I do that?

You stink-palm him.
Stink-palm?

Take your hand and you stick
it in your ass like this.

You've been walking all day
and you're also nervous

and no doubt you're
sweaty as hell.

You should see
yourself right now.

A man with his hand
in his pants.

I probably look like
my old man. (GRUNTS)

Now you shake hands
with the guy.

"Hey, Mr. Svenning.
How've you been?"

What's the point?

Know how long it takes
for that smell to come off?

Scrub all you like, it'll stick
around for at least two days.

How does he explain it to
his colleagues and family?

They'll think he doesn't know
how to wipe his ass properly.

Meanwhile, you yourself are left
with a hand that smells like shit?

Small price to pay for the
smiting of one's enemies.

I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor.

Stay here while
I go talk to him.

I assure you, tonight's program
will go off without a hitch.

I hope so, Jared,
for your sake.

You picked a dangerous mall
to host a game show in.

I hear the Easter Bunny
was accosted this morning.

If there's anything
even remotely resembling

the trouble you had at
the Governor's Ball...

you're gonna be hosting
the Lotto drawing

on public access the rest of your career.
(LAUGHING)

Gentlemen,
please trust me.

I have just taken
the necessary precautions...

to insure everything
will go smoothly.

Hmm?

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
(EXCLAIMING)

(STUTTERING)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Nothing to worry about.
Sound test!

I tell you what.
Why don't...

Why don't I meet you back
here around show time?

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Somebody said you
wanted to see me?

(STAMMERING)
Yes, I did.

You know what? I'm feeling
a little less frazzled...

and I thought maybe
we might chat.

Chat?
Mmm-hmm. Yes, chat.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

All right, look.

I realize that the other night
didn't go very well for you.

And I realize I'm to bear
most of the blame for that.

Yes, you do.

But hey, it was a grant
that would have enabled...

the station and myself
to make the leap

into syndication-viable
programming...

leaving me, of course,
with no choice...

but to peddle this show to the
network execs and beg for a job.

No big deal. It's okay.

(CHUCKLING)
And for that I'm sorry.

But to penalize Brandi and I,
our relationship, for that...

Come on, isn't there
some other way?

I'm afraid not.

I mean, I can't exactly
ask Brandi to marry me if...

Marry you?

(STAMMERING)

Yeah, I was gonna ask her to
marry me when we got to Florida.

(LAUGHING)

Oh...

You know, uh...

Uh...

I've always felt bad about the fact
that I had to raise Brandi on my own.

Her mother, she left us
when Brandi was only 3.

Well, her mother was
a little immature.

She was only 15 at
the time she had her.

(CHUCKLING) Of course I was only 14.
But that's another story.

Anyway, ever since she left
it was just the two of us.

But I've prided myself
on the fact...

that I've instilled in her
some strong values.

And while I know she's
generally a good girl...

I also know that,
being young once myself...

it's hard to sometimes
ignore certain, uh...

urges.

Tingles. Hmm?

I'm not sure
I follow you, sir.

Quint...

I accept the fact that you
no doubt fucked my daughter.

The two of you...

have been dating long enough for you to
have slimed your way into her panties...

and I'm sure you did just that
at least once or twice...

in my own house, probably
while I was at home.

The idea of that used to
keep me awake at nights.

But now you give me something
even worse to think about.

The notion of you...

as an albatross around my daughter's
neck for the rest of her life...

(CHUCKLES)

is too much.

Brandi has
a bright future.

She is an extremely
intelligent and capable girl.

And I'm sure that one day she'll
be even more successful than me.

Maybe.

Butyou”.

You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition.

Hmm?

And no chance of making it
in the real world.

My daughter is
too good for you.

You will never,
ever be with her.

Hmm?

(GASPS)

If there isn't
anything else...

Hey, fellas!

Well, well, well,
if it isn't my neighbor.

You been watching
my family conduct

any more of our
satanic rituals lately?

Please, sir, accept my apology
for myjuvenile behavior.

Damn! Would you feel that
iron-grip handshake!

Uh...

You know, with an
imagination like yours...

you belong on TV.

Oh, that's your forte, sir.
And you do it so well.

So, what's going on here?

T.S. and I were just discussing
a few of his lesser points.

Of which he does have many.
Mmm.

Hey! Look at that ring.
What is that?

That is myjunior-college
class ring.

Cum laude, '69.

I also hope to come loud one
day, preferably in a 69.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Boy, look at
the shine on that.

Mmm.
Do you polish it daily?

You know, Bruce, once you
eventually get a job...

and start working
for a living...

you're gonna realize that there's
not enough time in the day...

forsuchluxufles
as ring polishing.

Isthatso?

Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?

They're a little melty, but,
damn, are they exquisite.

If I remember correctly, you're
a big pretzel fan. (LAUGHS)

Um...

Dark chocolate?
Yeah!

Oh, come on!
No, please, no!

They're awesome.
Here you go.

Thank you.

Mmm.
Oh.

(SMACKING LIPS)

That's good.
Very nice.

(LAUGHING)

Being a man who,
uh,beHevesin_.

"One good turn
deserves another"...

Mmm.

I have something...

to offer...

the both of you.

Really, what's that?
(LAUGHING)

What is this? These
are called handcuffs.

This is what is known
as a precautionary measure.

Easy,boy,easy.

I couldn't risk having you
screw up my career...

or make another
play for Brandi.

Once I realized you
two were in the mall

I decided to set up
this little ambush...

to remove...

you and your sidekick here from
the premises, permanently.

Why am I his sidekick? How do
you know he's not my sidekick?

Well, that's something you're gonna
have to figure out for yourself...

injail.

Take them away!

(LAUGHING)

Yes! Whoo!

Oh, joyous.

(LAUGHING)

So good.

Mmm.

(SNIFFING)

T.S.: You're nothing but
a lot of talk and a badge.

Rene! Get Jay
and Silent Bob! Please!

BRODIE: Hurry!

Did somebody call your name?

Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait here, okay?

Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.

Thanks.

I'll tell you, what you need
is a fatty-boombatty blunt.

Then I guarantee
you see a sailboat...

an ocean, and maybe
even some of them

big-titted mermaids
doing lesbian shit.

Look at me, look at me,
you sloppy bitch!

(PANTING)

Dude, you're a mad
chick magnet!

T.S., Brodie,
security guards.

Under arrest,
they need help! Go!

Wow. A sailboat.

(SIGHS)

Brenda?
Dick!

This is illegal! You can't
arrest us for nothing!

Oh, all right.

I believe when Mr. LaFours
turns us over to the police...

the bag of contraband that
he's "found" on our persons...

will give them more than enough
reason to keep us locked up.

At least for the duration
of this evening's show.

Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?
(METAL CLANGS)

Come, son of Jor-El!
Kneel before Zod!

Snootchy bootchies!
Ha ha!

Asshole.

(BOTH GROANING)

Vulcan nerve pinch?
That was close.

What about that stink-palm back there?
He even licked his hand.

We gotta disappear, man.
They'll be looking for us.

Oh, thank you, man. We owe you one.
You want to hide?

I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go.

Don't I even get to wash
my hand first? Brodie!

What the shit
are we gonna do?

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

Come on, we're fucked! They're
right behind us. Come on!

Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!

Where do you get
those wonderful toys?

T.S.: This is where
we're hiding out?

BRODIE: This is
the dirt mall!

Cops never come in here.

Neither does any
self-respecting consumer.

I never could figure out
what you saw in this place.

Good buys. Great people.
Earthy aromas.

Hey, Walt!
WALT: Brodie!

They know me here.

I wouldn't be
too proud of that.

Listen to the sound
of defeat in your voice.

Might it have to do with the
fact that I've been defeated?

You? we g""“9 Up?

You used to be a stand-up kind of guy.
What happened to that guy?

The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother
after she called him "low-class."

That wasn't me,
that was you.

Oh, yeah.

It wasn't her mother,
it was her grandmother.

No wonder the bitch
went down so fast.

You should have boards in them.
All right?

Bloody savage.

That is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.

You, unlike me, would beat
up somebody's grandmother...

or an entire senior citizens' community
if you believed in the principle.

But only if they
were really old.

Maybe I was deluded.

Maybe you were right
this morning...

when you said if something stupid
could change how she feels...

she's not into it
in the first place.

You'd listen to me?
To something I said?

Jesus! Haven't I made it clear during
the tenure of our friendship...

that I don't know shit?

I mean, half the time I'm
just talking out of my ass.

Or sticking my hand in it.

Sometimes,
but on occasion

you've been known to let a
nugget of truth slip out.

This morning might have been
one of those occasions.

You know what you need?

Some sage-like advice.

You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.

Not from me,
from Ivannah.

Who's Ivannah?

I can't even
find the words.

Is that ingenuity or what?

What's palm-reading have
to do with being topless?

It makes the news
easier to take.

She could tell me
I'll die in 10 minutes,

so long as she
told me topless.

Your maleness
amazes me sometimes.

What can I say?
I love tits.

What kind of people
patronize this service?

People like us.

Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting--

Don't be such
a damn fundamentalist.

I've already
reached my lowest.

This is where
I draw the line.

You used to like tits, too.

I love tits as
much as the next guy,

but why pay some
old hag good money...

for supernatural
chicanery coupled

with sagging, wrinkled,
weathered boobs?

You know, Quint...

you're a homosexual.

BRODIE: Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.

(WITH VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT) You've
come for a glimpse at your future?

Amongst other things.

Talents like those I possess
are not to be taken lightly.

If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea...

or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown...

Empire Entertainment recommends
you do not partake...

in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.

You guys still in?

We're both healthy
and strapping young men.

You give me $58.60.

What?

You expect me
to pay for this?

I'm broke.
I'll pay you back.

I knew it.
I can't believe you.

I didn't even
want to do this.

You'll thank me later.

Thank you.

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

All right, gentlemen,
free your mind.

I'd like to free something.

Focus. That's what
I was thinking.

She said "focus."
Whatever.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(MOANING)

I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.

A difficulty in affecting
a resolution...

for a problem.

Something hard.

I'm convinced.
She's got the gift.

Try to contain yourself.

Miss,
I appreciate the effort

and I'm sure
you're very good at...

whatever it is you do...

but my shallow friend isn't
interested in his future,

so you can cut
the theatrics.

(NORMAL VOICE) What a relief.
I do so much better

when I don't have to
say things in character.

You don't have
to say anything at all.

You paid,
I should tell you something.

In order to do that...
Mmm...

I have to work completely...

unfettered.

(IVAN NAH MOANING)

Oh, yes.

Oh, I can definitely
sense the problem. Here.

Girl trouble.

Apparently,
you're both on the outs

with your respective steadies.

That's amazing.

That's disgusting!

Oh, you both feel
the pain... Ow!

Of loss.

But only one of
you makes it vocal.

The other one
suffers silently.

My God, you're right.

We gotta go.

How can this be resolved?

I would say, yes...

combine your efforts.

You both have
very strong auras...

and two strong auras
produce positive results.

I feel nauseous.

So, in working together--

You'll beat the odds.

The odds. Yes.

Mmm, that's what I see.

Let me tell you what I see...
That's great!

I don't buy her power.

All right,
when's my birthday?

Between the first
and the last...

of October.

Did you hear that?

Very haunting. Let's go.

Why are you stuck here
in this dirt mall

and not in an upscale
commercial setting?

You could be raking in the dough
with your kind of accuracy.

Believe it or not, some people still
frown on topless fortune-telling.

Unfortunately, it's the only
way that I'm effective.

Really? It's the third
nipple that does it.

Oh, you have
a third nipple?

What are you
talking about?

It's clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake.

You can stare at it.
I don't mind.

No.

Understanding is reached...

only after confrontation.

Of course!

Thank you so much. I can't tell
you how informative you've been.

Thank you very much.

And don't ever
lose that nipple.

I won't.

Do you have...

Any other extra
body parts?

No.
Just curious.

You could double-check
me, if you like.

Really?
T.S.: Come on!

Works every time.

Mmm. Cherry.

You're gonna what?

Hlgeton
her dad's show.

Are you kidding?

Last time he had dope planted on us.
What will he do this time?

He can't touch us once it starts.
It's a live feed.

He can't risk losing face in
front of the network execs.

It can't happen.
I'll make it happen.

"Understanding is reached
only after confrontation."

That's what Ivannah said. Brandi
will respond to confrontation.

Hey, man.
Didn't I see you on CNN?

What the hell's
your problem, anyway?

You're supposed to be the
impetuous one, not me.

Why are you fighting me?

I'm being rational!

You're scared you may want to
follow my lead and win Rene back!

Rene who? Whatever.
Just do me a favor.

Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.

I'll need your help.
Where are you going?

Shopping-

What the hell am
I supposed to do?

(GRUNTS) Hey, man! It wasn't me!

Dude, this looks
like your mom.

I've been looking
all over for you two.

We're hiding.

In a bookstore?

Last place anyone'd look for
me and this tubby bitch.

I need your help.
What?

You two up for
getting stoned?

(SCOFFS) Look
who you're asking.

You looking at
that couple inside?

Actually, I was just looking at
this little pink number over here.

That's kind of nice. They
look happy, don%they?

What, the bras?

No, the couple.
They look happy.

I guess,asfar
as couples go.

You know, it reminds me of an
issue of Spider-Man I did.

When Peter Parker and Gwen
Stacy went lingerie shopping.

Of course, the Green
Goblin showed up...

and he pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.

But aside from that, it's
pretty much the same thing.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Aren't you...
Oh, Stan Lee. Hi.

What's up, boys?
You guys on this show?

That's the rumor.

Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there...

and being on TV, I'd be scared
as hell if I were you two.

Yeah?

Sure, man.
What if you fuck up?

Your friends and
family watching.

I'd be piss scared I'd get a boner
or fucking fart or something.

He's got a point, man. This is live.
Anything could happen.

Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.

There's only one thing that
could take off that edge.

Make you feel
relaxed as hell.

Make you forget
how many people

are staring at
you here and on TV.

And what's that?

Snootchy-bootchy
nootchies!

The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch?

I mean every part,
you know, like his--

(CHUCKLES)
I know what you mean.

We never really tackled stuff
like that in the old days.

What with the
comic-book code and all.

I can't believe I'm standing
here talking to you!

You're responsible
for the greats.

Let's do the list.
Spider-Man?

Guilty.
The Incredible Hulk?

Afraid so.
This is so cool.

The X-Men?
Now that you mention it.

Shit, man.
You are a god!

Hey, look at that couple.

Boy, they sure seem
to be in love, huh?

What's with that?
That's the second time

you've commented
on couples in love.

Well, I like
that sort of thing.

Tell me, do you have
a girlfriend, Brodie?

Had one.
We just broke up.

The Thing? Is his dork made of orange
rock like the rest of his body?

It's a superhero secret.

Tell me, Brodie. Why did you
and your girlfriend break up?

She was a pain in the ass.

She wanted me to be
this typical boyfriend guy.

She said I was too into my
own world of comics and all.

I can relate.

There was a time when it was
all about comics for me.

I had a girl, probably
the same as yours.

She always complained
that I spent

too much time
with my own comics.

And eventually we broke up.

See, what did she know?

Here you are now,
a legend in the field.

You had a slew of
women since her, right?

Oh. Lots of women.

Jagger and me, we had a running
contest to see who had the most.

Matter of fact, last time I
looked, I was way ahead.

Damn, that's hot!

Butlnever
forgot that girl.

Did you ever get
back together with her?

One day I found out
she got married.

I had blown it.
I had missed my window.

No way.

What'd you do?

I went on with my life.

I created some special
new superheroes.

They were characters
that reflected

my own heartbreak
and my own regrets.

How so?

Doctor Doom
wears body armor

to conceal his
own mangled form.

Right?
Yeah.

That was me
beneath the armor.

The Hulk.

A normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

Just like me when I thought
about what I'd given up.

So you created
each character

as a way to deal with
your one big regret.

Yeah, the girl
that got away.

Look, do yourself
a favor, Brodie.

Don't wait.

Because all the money,
all the women...

even all the comic
books in the world,

they can't substitute
for that one person.

I don't know. All the
comics in the world?

Trust me, true believer.

Well, good
talking to you.

Keep up all
the good work.

You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.

Hey, Stan!
Yeah?

She really meant
that much to you?

Brodie, I'd give it
all up, all of it...

forjust one more
day with her.

Take care.

Stan!
Hi!

I think he bought it.

What kind of story
did you give him?

Oh, it was the Vulture's
soliloquy, you know,

from the Spider-Man
anniversary issue.

"Love Be a Vulture
Tonight." Yeah.

I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee.
Oh, forget it.

You know, I think you ought
to get him some help.

He seems to be really hung up
on superheroes' sex organs.

But he'll outgrow it.

Oh, Mr. Lee?
Yeah.

Excelsior!
Oh, you got that right.

See you.

Cool.

I think I felt it move.

Just kidding.

Just the two I'm looking for.
I need help.

With what?

Let me borrow the Shannon
Hamilton tape. Why?

It's important! The
future of my relationship

depends on it.

It's at my house. Take T.S.'s
station wagon, parked in 2D.

I don't even have a license.
Just go!

You still got
that stage schematic?

I need you to wire
something together for me.

(GROANING)

Oh, Jesus.
What's with him?

Oh, I don't know. I'm suddenly
not feeling too well.

But everything is fine.

We're about to start.

Oh, you are in for something
really special tonight, gentlemen.

I have lined up...

(WHIMPERS)

Excuse me.

(VOMITING)
Jesus.

Sorry.

I have lined up some
really bright kids here.

This promises to
be a lot of fun.

I'm sure you're
gonnaloveit

Shouldn't you be in
bed or something?

No. I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

Make sure everybody's
ready and let's start.

(SOFT GROANS)

How much did you smoke?

All it took was a fat chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.

How much do I owe you? My treat.

As long as you promise, next
time you pop your old lady...

you make her call you
"Jay." Snootchy bootchies.

Let's hope there
is a next time.

All right, I'm ready.

You're never gonna
believe who I just met.

What the hell
happenedto these two?

Power of the Dark Side.

Wait, there's only two.

There's supposed to be three.
Where's the third guy?

I never saw a third guy.

BRODIE:
Who's this asshole?

What the hell
happenedto those guys?

They got lightheaded.
You got that right.

They gonna cancel
the show?

What do you care?

I'm supposed to be on it.
I'm Gil Hicks.

Suitor Number Three.

We're taking their place. I'm T.S.
Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.

Didn't I see you
on the news?

Dude. Don't give him
any shit, all right?

Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svenning?

Mr. Svenning has come down with
a sudden case of diphtheria.

What happened
to those two?

They got sick. We volunteer
to take their place.

Isn't this guy
from Monmouth State?

He and that broad tried
to kill the Governor.

Yes, it is.
All right, Quint.

I don't know how
you got back in,

but I'm alerting
Mr. Svenning.

We'll postpone the start until
we figure this all out.

You called down
the thunder,

now you've got it!
Security!

Hey, Roddy!
What?

Jesus Christ,
you knocked him out.

Now hit him!

Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?

They got stoned and knocked him out.
He needs medical attention.

That's not what
happened. Ow!

Could you have him removed?
The show's about to start.

Whatever.

Look,dude. No more
shit, all right?

Just go out and woo like you're
supposed to and nobody gets hurt.

When Tricia shows up
with the videotape,

you get it to
Silent Bob, understand?

I'm on it. Wait a sec,
where is that tubby bitch?

Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.

One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.

Hi, I'm Bob Summers,
your host...

and tonight we'll watch as one
of our three lucky suitors...

woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for romance in the making...

as we introduce the suitors!

(APPLAUDING)

(RETCHING)

Our first suitor goes
to Marymount College

where he majors
in Economics.

Say hi to Doug Paging.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

Do it, Doug!

Our second suitor hails from
Canisius College in Buffalo...

where he majors
in Communications.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

Our final suitor
goes to Rutgers...

where he majors in Fine
Arts and Greek mythology.

A nice welcome
for Gil Hicks.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

Pay attention, dick.

May the best man win.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to introduce our lovely suitor-ette.

From Monmouth State,
where she majors

in Astronomy and
Earth Sciences...

a big welcome for the
lovely Brandi Svenning.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.

Our lovely
suitor-ette will ask

a series of questions
of our suitors...

and make her decision
based on their answers.

Anything goes!

Brandi, are you ready?

Absolutely, Bob.

Then you may fire when ready.

Okay-

Um. (CLEARS THROAT)

Suitor Number One.

If you were a car, what
kind of car would you be?

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Um, the kind you'd never
dump your boyfriend in.

Okay-

Suitor Number Two.

Can't you call me
the Second Suitor?

"Suitor Number Two" sounds like
a bathroom code, you know?

Now, the Second Suitor...

sounds like
a figure of mystery.

Like I belong on
the grassy knoll.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay-

Second Suitor.

If we were making whoopee--

What's whoopee?

Um.

If we were...

If we were being intimate...

What, like fucking?

(ALL GASPING)

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah.

If we were, you know, what
kind of noises would you make?

(GRUNTS)

(BARKS)

No, I think that's
kind of personal.

I don't think I
should answer that.

Uh, Suitor Number Three.

What would our
first date be like?

First I'd take you shopping to the
stores you'd want to shop in.

And then we'd do
a little lunch,

probably at the
Cheese Haus...

followed by some golfing.

Then at night, we'd take in an
opera, probably Die Fledermaus.

Then I'd follow it all up with
a drive to a secluded beach...

where I'd pop
on the radio...

and then we could slow dance
till the sun came up.

That was the biggest load
of crap I've ever heard!

I mean, look at you, you're the
kind of guy that would beg for sex.

I should know,
we can smell our own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Suitor Number One.

If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?

When Jaws popped
out of the water.

Excuse me?

I'll propose to
you right now.

I propose you stop letting
your father run your life...

and be true to yourself and not give
up on someone you know has value.

Yeah, and take off your socks
when you make whoopee...

or whatever that word is. He
hates it when you leave them on.

What?
Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor Number One,
you sound familiar.

Like your conscience, maybe?

Look, lady. You don't
know him, all right?

Now make with
the questions.

BRANDY. Suitor Number Three.

Is your kiss like
a soft breeze...

a firm handshake,
or a jackhammer?

What's the funny guy
doing with his hands?

I don't want to know.

What the fuck is
going on up there?

(GIBBERISH)

Never mind. You go tell
LaFours to call the police.

I want the fucking Department down
here now to arrest those guys.

Now. Go.

Definitely a jackhammer.

I'm in there with some
pressure, and when I'm done...

you're not the same as before.
You're changed.

Where do you come
up with this shit?

That is the cheesiest response to
an honest question I've ever heard.

I saw you kiss and it
wasn't anything like that.

(LAUGHS)

Suitor Number Two,
you have to wait until

you're addressed
before you respond.

Richard Dawson,
go back to your podium

until it's time to play
the Feud, all right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Who did you see me kiss?

Some dude backstage.

I don't know who he was,
but he seemed unimpressed.

I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear.
I'm not gay.

Hey, Suitor-ette,
this guy's a homophobe.

You heard how
repulsed he sounded.

Is this the kind of guy you
want to spend a vacation with?

This hate monger?
I don't hate gay people!

So you love them?
Yes!

I mean, no! Textbook closet case.
Self-loather.

Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.

(LAUGHS)

Brodie said to
give this to you.

Are you watching this shit, man?
It's fucked up!

I don't want to be
here when that tape

does what I think
it's going to do.

Why the hell hot, man?
This shit is dope.

Holy fuck.
He'll kill him.

Who'll kill who?

LaFours, man. Silent Bob,
he's my fucking board, man.

What am I going to fucking do?
Point him out.

Miss Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?

Um, I don't think that--

How strong are
your convictions?

Hi.

Would you be
interested in partaking

in some psych
o-behavioral research?

What are you talking about?

How easily do you quit? Say
you wind up with one of us.

Hopefully not Rush
Limbaugh, over here.

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Why not, because he's fat? You got
something against fat people, too?

(SCATTERED LAUGHS)

JAY: Snootchy bootchies!

Are you ready?

Uh.

If I have a conviction,
I stick to it.

Were you ever in love?

Yes, as a matter of fact.
Oh, really?

What happened to
your boyfriend?

We broke up.
Why?

It just didn't work out.

I mean, were you unhappy?

Sometimes.
Why?

I don't know.
The usual baggage.

He lacked a sense of romance.

He almost ruined
my father's career.

He got me implicated
in an attempted murder.

That was an accident.

T.S.?

Hey, what about
the rest of us?

Why don't you
ask me a question?

Suitor Number Two.

Hey, what about me?
Gil, just shut the fuck up!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(EXHALES)
Second Suitor...

would you ever make
whoopee in public?

I already did once today.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

But my cousin Walter jerked off
in public once. True story.

He was on a plane
to New Mexico,

when all of a sudden
the hydraulics went.

The plane started spinning
around, going out of control.

He decides it's all over,
whips it out

and starts beating it
right there.

All the passengers
take a cue from him,

they whip it out and
start beating like mad.

So all the passengers
are beating off,

plummeting to
their certain doom...

when all of a sudden...

the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.

It lands safely...

and everyone puts their pieces,
or whatever, away and deboard.

Nobody mentions the
phenomenon to anyone else.

Did he come or what?

Jesus Christ, Gil!

There are just some things
you do not mention in public.

(SCATTERED LAUGH)

Second Suitor...

if you were a comic-book character,
what character would you be?

Wow, that's
a great question.

A tough one, though. What does
one gauge his response on?

Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?

The ability to banter well
with super villains?

How's your comic-book
collection, Brodie?

Oh, it's going good.
But, I mean--

Oh, comics! What are
you talking about?

I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids!

I knew it.

Suitor Number One...

you just don't know
when to quit, do you?

No.

No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.

I was.

But you complicated my life.

How so?

Well, you placed
me in such a damned

uncomfortable
position with my father...

Twice even.
What was I supposed to do?

Show a little backbone.

I was ready to show
a little backbone.

And then you had to show up with
Bumbler the Boy Wonder over there...

and screw things
up further, proving...

that you never took
the situation seriously.

Boy Wonder?
I'm all man, lady!

I've never done anything
but show interest in you.

Our whole goddamn romantic
career I doted on you.

The minute things
got dicey, you cracked.

There we were, mere hours from
spending an entire week together...

away from our family, school.

She throws in the towel
because her daddy says so.

He got us shot at by
the Federal authorities.

He brought his troublemaker
friend over to my house...

where he proceeded to
allow news cameras...

to take naked
videos of my father.

(GASPS)

Then he had the audacity
to inform me...

that on this vacation that
we were supposed to take...

that he was going
to propose to me,

without even discussing
it with me first.

We've been talking about getting
married since high school.

He could have approached
my father, man to man...

and made his
intentions clear.

He could have apologized for all
the problems that he caused.

But what does he do instead?
He just goes on with his life.

I mean here he is.
He's hanging out at a mall.

You put yourself on an auction
block for God's sake...

in front of
alive studio audience.

Do I get a chance to field
any more questions?

BOTH: No!

Look, I think I should
say something here.

I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor-ette...

Suitor Number One has done nothing
but pine over you all day...

trying to figure out
a way to win you back.

When this public opportunity
to literally do that arose...

he pulled his shit together,
risked life and limb...

and faced the odds to get up
here and give it his best shot.

I'm tired of
this whole thing!

You're both retarded
for each other!

Forget about
the shit that happened

and do what
you're supposed to!

I think the audience
would agree with me there.

Ask her,
you silly bastard!

(SIGHS)

Miss Suitor-ette...

Suitor Number One
loves you...

has always loved you,
and will always love you.

He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

JAY: Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!

Are we set or what?
Good to go.

Hey, did you see
LaFours out there? No.

For a minute there, I thought
that we were in trouble.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Oh, a sailboat.

(SCREAMING)

I think it's safe to say,
we've made our match.

These two lucky people will
soon be winging their way...

to beautiful, sunny Florida for a
week of theme parks, beaches...

and a lot more
from the look of it!

I guess that about
wraps it up for--

Not just yet,
Pat Sajak.

All right?

You! All right.

I believe you have something
that belongs to me.

Yeah? What's that?

Not you, asshole! The girl.

You have my heart.

What can I say?

I love the retard.

Wait a minute.
I thought tonight

we were supposed to,
you know...

Hamilton!

Let's try to wrap this up, all right?
I promised her breakfast.

All right, that's it.

You're dead, mallrat. I'm going
to fuck you up beyond repair!

Sailboat. Sailboat.
Goddamn sailboat.

What in Christ's name
took you guys so long?

Get your asses up there
and arrest those guys.

The one with the girl and the
one with the microphone.

For what?

Trespassing, public
lewdness, FCC violation.

(RETCHING)

Food poisoning.

Ladies and gentlemen, this tall
drink of water headed my way...

is a pillar of
the shopping community...

who informed me earlier today
of a nefarious plan of his...

to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.

What? Like the back
of a Volkswagen?

And as he comes up here to...

Holy shit!

Without further ado,
I'd like to present you all...

with an accurate portrayal of the
proprietor of Fashionable Male.

Now, Silent Bob!

I said now, Silent Bob!

WILLAMI When, Lord?

When the hell do I get to
see the goddamn sailboat?

Now, now, now!

(SCREAMING)

Who's your favorite New Kid?

Call me Joey.

Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose.
I think that's it.

Yeah. Call me Donnie.
Come on. Oh, girl.

Yeah, please don't go.

No wonder why she
walks all fucked up.

That girl's only 15.

Oh, 15?
I thought she was 36.

Hey, come on, guys. Tell me
you wouldn't have popped her?

(ROPE CREAKING)

(CREAKING)

Where you're going...

they screw people in
a very uncomfortable place.

Really?
Yeah.

You can't strike a prisoner
in police custody.

Oh, come on,
just once?

All right,
but make it fast.

(GRUNTS)

Would you have gone on
vacation with the winner?

What do you think?

I don't know,
I think you would have.

But I would have
sent you a postcard.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell
is wrong with me?

If the tape was
out of your reach,

how the hell
did you get it?

The Jedi mind trick!

Holy shit! Motherfucking
Yoda and shit!

Adventure?
Excitement?

A Jedi craves
not these things.

Holy! You spoke.

There was never anything
good to say before.

Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?

I call that illegal.

So.

So what?

I was just wondering, if maybe
you're not busy tomorrow night...

Yeah?

(SIGHS)

Would you like to have dinner
at my house and meet my mother?

I can't guarantee
she'll like you, but...

Hey, want a cookie?
It's on me.

It was just a warm-up.
Please, come on?

The show would always go
smoother and be less racy.

The show was
a piece of shit.

Unoriginal,
uninspired, you know.

The only thing that saved
it was this guy here.

I'm Bentley Garrison,
with the network.

Me and Mason thought
you were hysterical.

Hilarious. You've got
great presence, kid.

Have you ever considered hosting
your own talk show? Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Him?

Excuse me, sir. Are you the
producer of this program?

Of course I am,
you stupid shit.

And I want those
two guys arrested.

Sir, you are
under arrest.

What?

What for?

For broadcasting lewd or indecent
images in a public forum...

and violation of about
19 FCC regulations.

Jesus Christ!

(RETCHING)

And for vomiting
on my shoes.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah?