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1
00:00:12,258 --> 00:00:14,128
[keys jingle]
2
00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,602
[dramatic musical sting]
3
00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:18,671
Hello?
4
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:21,644
Erwin?
5
00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:24,482
[ominous music]
6
00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:25,518
Oh, God.
7
00:00:25,585 --> 00:00:27,154
Uh, I can see you.
8
00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:28,558
Get out of there.
- [breathing heavily]
9
00:00:28,624 --> 00:00:30,294
Hey, I'm running late
for after-school pickup,
10
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,400
so let's hurry this up.
- Bring me to the Antichrist.
11
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:35,638
Honey, I gotta bring myself
to the Antichrist, all right?
12
00:00:35,705 --> 00:00:36,574
So what's your thing?
13
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,343
You need her blood
for eternal life?
14
00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:39,613
Gonna use her as a vessel
15
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,382
to rule your shitty realm, what?
16
00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:44,856
Burn her skin and eat
her bones for ultimate power!
17
00:00:44,923 --> 00:00:46,059
[chuckles]
- Okay, sure.
18
00:00:46,125 --> 00:00:48,564
[screeches]
19
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:52,004
You shall die by my hands,
puny mortal!
20
00:00:52,071 --> 00:00:54,108
Antichrist body will be mine!
21
00:00:54,175 --> 00:00:55,277
[laughing]
22
00:00:55,344 --> 00:00:57,114
[sizzling]
[roars]
23
00:00:59,452 --> 00:01:00,588
[groans]
24
00:01:02,692 --> 00:01:04,462
[squelching]
- [Laura grunting]
25
00:01:04,529 --> 00:01:05,999
Fuck!
26
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:08,270
I forgot about this coupon. Ugh.
27
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:11,242
[dark dramatic music]
28
00:01:11,309 --> 00:01:14,448
♪ ♪
29
00:01:16,553 --> 00:01:18,524
[gasps] Chrissy.
God damn it, Laura.
30
00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:20,662
Oh, mother, you are alive.
LAURA: Hey.
31
00:01:20,728 --> 00:01:21,931
CHRISSY: Wow.
- Hey, I was about
32
00:01:21,997 --> 00:01:23,233
to come get you.
33
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:24,937
Finally got groceries.
You hungry?
34
00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:26,707
No, I ate with Amanda.
She made a salad
35
00:01:26,774 --> 00:01:28,410
with something called
an heirloom tomato.
36
00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:30,314
Who the hell is Amanda?
37
00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:31,850
She's a cool mom
who drove me home
38
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,523
because my actual mom
was nowhere to be found again.
39
00:01:34,589 --> 00:01:36,392
Isn't Amanda a fucking peach?
CHRISSY: She is.
40
00:01:36,459 --> 00:01:37,696
She knows the nutrients
you're missing
41
00:01:37,762 --> 00:01:39,198
based on the color
of your aura.
42
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,501
She's, like, literally a witch.
43
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,071
No, I'm literally a witch.
44
00:01:42,137 --> 00:01:43,608
Anyway, I'm in a rush.
45
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:45,210
- For what?
- Back to School Night.
46
00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:46,614
That's for parents, right?
47
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,416
Why didn't you remind me?
- Oh, is that my job,
48
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,686
to remind you of things
49
00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:51,957
any moderately-invested parent
would know?
50
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,326
You want me to do
your taxes too?
51
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:54,863
Apply for a loan?
- Okay. Okay, Jesus.
52
00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:55,999
Anyway, you hate that stuff,
53
00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:57,702
parents ogling over
their kids' art projects.
54
00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,372
Yeah, I'd rather jam a knife
up my asshole.
55
00:01:59,438 --> 00:02:00,608
CHRISSY:
You're off the hook then.
56
00:02:00,675 --> 00:02:02,846
Plus, Amanda said
she'd cover for you.
57
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:06,285
She did, huh?
58
00:02:06,352 --> 00:02:07,789
You know what? I'm gonna come.
59
00:02:07,856 --> 00:02:09,225
'Cause you're threatened
by Amanda?
60
00:02:09,291 --> 00:02:10,695
No, because I'm your mother,
61
00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:12,364
and I should be there
to support you.
62
00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:15,505
[soft tense music]
63
00:02:15,571 --> 00:02:16,540
Fine.
64
00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:18,109
Just promise
you won't make a scene.
65
00:02:18,176 --> 00:02:19,746
LAURA: Uh, hello?
- And just be chill, okay?
66
00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,115
I'm chill, baby.
67
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,153
Chill, chill, chill, chill,
chill, chilly-chill, chill.
68
00:02:23,219 --> 00:02:24,756
You have ground beef
in your hair.
69
00:02:26,894 --> 00:02:30,802
♪ ♪
70
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:33,306
GOSSY: Hiya, miss.
I'm Gossy the Gopher.
71
00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:34,876
Welcome to Back to School--
- [grunts]
72
00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:36,346
- [Gossy yells]
- If you ever touch me again,
73
00:02:36,412 --> 00:02:38,149
I turn you
into a true crime doc series,
74
00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:39,519
understand?
- Mom!
75
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,356
GOSSY: [laughing nervously]
Okay, quite a grip.
76
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,326
I'm gonna age ten years
tonight because of you.
77
00:02:43,393 --> 00:02:44,563
I can feel it in my bones.
- Honey, look,
78
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:46,800
that lady's feeding her child
like a baby bird.
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00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,405
CHRISSY: That's Amanda,
and it's called nature bonding.
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00:02:49,472 --> 00:02:51,409
If you watched anything
other than Top Deer Hunter,
81
00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:53,279
maybe you'd have heard of it.
LAURA: Well, I can't wait
82
00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:55,083
to meet this headband
with a smile.
83
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:56,687
Hey there, Chrissy babe.
84
00:02:56,754 --> 00:02:59,458
You must be Laura.
- Oh, my God, I am. Hi.
85
00:02:59,526 --> 00:03:01,597
And you must be Amanda.
AMANDA: Uh, yes.
86
00:03:01,663 --> 00:03:03,834
Chrissy babe won't
stop talking about you.
87
00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:05,705
It's like she has a defect.
88
00:03:05,772 --> 00:03:08,611
[both laughing]
89
00:03:08,677 --> 00:03:10,313
She is the best.
LAURA: Yeah.
90
00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:11,750
All of her teachers
think so too.
91
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:15,123
Oh, you're-you're discussing
my daughter with her teachers.
92
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:16,527
How thoughtful of you.
93
00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:18,496
As a PTA president,
I make sure to communicate
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00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,467
with the teachers and children.
95
00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:22,137
I--wh-what can I say?
I love helping.
96
00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:24,341
Oh, I'm glad you have all
the time in the world to help,
97
00:03:24,408 --> 00:03:25,745
what with me having
to work full-time.
98
00:03:25,812 --> 00:03:27,816
[laughs]
AMANDA: Oh, hon, we all work.
99
00:03:27,882 --> 00:03:29,720
But as mothers,
our real job is taking care
100
00:03:29,786 --> 00:03:31,590
of our kids, right?
101
00:03:31,657 --> 00:03:33,527
You should come
to a PTA meeting sometime.
102
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:35,898
We've sent you multiple
messages about joining.
103
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,802
I'll be there with bells on
when I'm done
104
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,773
protecting my daughter
from the dark forces
105
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,342
that threaten her
and all of human existence.
106
00:03:41,409 --> 00:03:42,545
Girl, it's so great
107
00:03:42,612 --> 00:03:44,248
that you feel like
you're doing a good job,
108
00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:45,484
but Chrissy here,
109
00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,387
and I do feel like
I have to speak for her,
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she wants some normalcy.
MOM 1: Okay?
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00:03:48,991 --> 00:03:50,728
MOM 2: I say that all the time.
- Mom, don't.
112
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,364
Look at the painting
she made.
113
00:03:52,431 --> 00:03:54,168
It's clearly a cry for help.
114
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,406
[person screaming]
115
00:03:56,472 --> 00:03:58,109
AMANDA: Have you considered
getting Chrissy therapy?
116
00:03:58,176 --> 00:03:59,378
Oh, fuck you!
[all gasp]
117
00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:00,848
Fuck all of you.
I'm not listening
118
00:04:00,915 --> 00:04:03,420
to a bunch of participation
trophy moms telling me
119
00:04:03,486 --> 00:04:05,558
that my kid needs therapy
because she can't paint!
120
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,163
News flash:
they all suck at it!
121
00:04:08,229 --> 00:04:09,933
None of this matters.
[all gasp]
122
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,335
GOSSY: [clears throat]
Ma'am, let's chill
123
00:04:11,402 --> 00:04:12,572
in front of the students--
[groans]
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00:04:12,639 --> 00:04:14,308
MOM 3: Oh, God.
MOM 4: No, not Gossy.
125
00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,245
- You're unstable.
- I don't give a shit
126
00:04:16,312 --> 00:04:17,916
what you
and these other moms think.
127
00:04:17,982 --> 00:04:19,051
Suck on my clit!
128
00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,822
[all gasp]
MOM 5: Language.
129
00:04:22,926 --> 00:04:24,395
SATAN IN CADAVER:
Reverse ribbed condoms
130
00:04:24,462 --> 00:04:25,731
for his pleasure.
- [speaks language]
131
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,702
Cologne that smells
like a wet dog.
132
00:04:27,769 --> 00:04:28,871
[chuckles]
- [speaks language]
133
00:04:28,938 --> 00:04:30,207
A cadaver so juiced
134
00:04:30,273 --> 00:04:32,244
it'd make Joe Rogan
cream his pants.
135
00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:33,881
[sighs]
[speaks language]
136
00:04:33,948 --> 00:04:36,920
And I'm ready for another one
of Baka's bachelor parties
137
00:04:36,987 --> 00:04:39,626
where we murder dumb humans
just for kicks.
138
00:04:39,693 --> 00:04:40,661
[sighs]
139
00:04:40,728 --> 00:04:41,797
Don't give me that look.
140
00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:44,101
Every week it's Dad this,
Dad that.
141
00:04:44,168 --> 00:04:45,237
What about the boys?
142
00:04:45,303 --> 00:04:46,707
Baka's badass.
143
00:04:46,773 --> 00:04:48,544
This is his tenth marriage,
you know.
144
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,219
These guys are
my actual friends
145
00:04:53,286 --> 00:04:54,756
who I haven't seen
in centuries,
146
00:04:54,823 --> 00:04:56,994
so don't embarrass me
with your weird snake shit.
147
00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,066
- Bro!
- Baka!
148
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,235
[grunts]
149
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,306
Oh, yeah.
[both laughing]
150
00:05:03,373 --> 00:05:04,810
Looking sharp, baby.
151
00:05:04,876 --> 00:05:05,812
Oh, man, I missed you.
152
00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,816
Yo, Mabel,
had some work done, huh?
153
00:05:07,882 --> 00:05:09,318
Peeled off
a supermodel's face.
154
00:05:09,385 --> 00:05:10,521
Now it's my mask.
155
00:05:10,588 --> 00:05:13,126
SATAN:
And Bogey, you're still--
156
00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,565
[giggles] Unmedicated
and ready to mingle.
157
00:05:15,631 --> 00:05:17,201
Where'd you get
that human skin suit,
158
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,971
the Micro-Penis
Men's Warehouse?
159
00:05:19,038 --> 00:05:21,075
Yeah.
I used your employee discount.
160
00:05:21,142 --> 00:05:22,545
[laughter]
161
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:24,448
Sitcom style banter.
MABEL: ♪ Micro-penis ♪
162
00:05:24,516 --> 00:05:26,319
And how about
this son of a bitch?
163
00:05:26,385 --> 00:05:27,454
Tenth time's a charm,
am I right?
164
00:05:27,522 --> 00:05:28,757
Come on.
165
00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,595
You know I'm gonna eat her.
[chuckling]
166
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:31,530
Of course
you're gonna eat her.
167
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:32,599
I'm gonna eat my wife.
168
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,168
SATAN: Munching.
- [Baka growling]
169
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:35,905
Whoo, whoo!
[laughter]
170
00:05:35,972 --> 00:05:37,407
You finally did it.
171
00:05:37,474 --> 00:05:38,878
You birthed the Antichrist,
172
00:05:38,944 --> 00:05:40,480
you old son of a bitch.
SATAN: That's right.
173
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,050
Straight shooter
right here, baby.
174
00:05:42,117 --> 00:05:43,419
MABEL: Strong little spermies.
175
00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:45,156
Better not get soft
on us now.
176
00:05:45,223 --> 00:05:46,627
Hell no, you dumb asshole.
177
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:48,196
Would a softy do this?
178
00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:49,298
[speaks language]
[laughter]
179
00:05:49,365 --> 00:05:50,735
I hit my own driver.
180
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:52,271
That's pretty wacky, right?
181
00:05:52,337 --> 00:05:53,774
I'm unhinged.
182
00:05:53,841 --> 00:05:56,379
Good, because when
Maximus Dawnus begins,
183
00:05:56,445 --> 00:05:58,082
you boys know
what that means, right?
184
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,819
- Doing badass shit forever.
- My mom's boyfriend will see
185
00:05:59,886 --> 00:06:02,057
that I'm really not a fuck-up!
- Yeah! Back on top, baby.
186
00:06:02,124 --> 00:06:04,261
Like I was
with your moms last night.
187
00:06:04,328 --> 00:06:07,267
[laughter]
- You dirty dog.
188
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,506
LAURA:
Oh, my God. Apologize?
189
00:06:09,573 --> 00:06:11,610
She accused me
of being a bad parent.
190
00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:13,112
You ever think
she might be right?
191
00:06:13,179 --> 00:06:15,618
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You forget to pick me up.
192
00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:17,087
First time you come
to a school event,
193
00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:18,189
you beat up our mascot.
194
00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:19,526
That asshole needs to learn
195
00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:20,661
how to respect
personal boundaries.
196
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,164
You're incapable
of putting my needs
197
00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:23,567
ahead of your insane ego.
198
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,671
You have no idea
how much I do for you.
199
00:06:25,738 --> 00:06:27,842
Amanda does much more
in her day for her kids
200
00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:30,080
than you've ever done for me.
- What?
201
00:06:30,146 --> 00:06:31,984
And you'll never be
a normal mom if you keep...
202
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,486
- [Laura yells]
- Flying off the handle
203
00:06:33,554 --> 00:06:35,357
at inappropriate times.
204
00:06:35,423 --> 00:06:36,727
I'm done. I'm out.
205
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,496
Fine. Fine. Be out.
206
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,168
I'm gonna--I'm gonna
stop being angry
207
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:44,241
and prove to you I can be
a more normal mom than Amanda
208
00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:45,410
or any of those assholes.
209
00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:46,546
You're off to a great start.
210
00:06:46,613 --> 00:06:48,550
Normal mom throwing
a normal glass of whiskey
211
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,920
at the normal wall
after being asked
212
00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:51,790
to leave school grounds.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
213
00:06:51,857 --> 00:06:54,495
Mrs. Normal.
Normal, normal--
214
00:06:54,562 --> 00:06:55,932
These are anger leeches, Darlene.
215
00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:57,969
Instead of blood,
they suck out rage.
216
00:06:58,036 --> 00:06:59,806
I'm gonna beat those mothers
at their own game
217
00:06:59,873 --> 00:07:01,108
and make Chrissy happy
I'm her mom.
218
00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:03,346
I'm not sure
if out-momming is the thing
219
00:07:03,413 --> 00:07:04,683
to win over a teenager's heart.
220
00:07:04,749 --> 00:07:06,319
I always found
listening to be--
221
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:07,588
All right, shut up.
Tell me a story.
222
00:07:07,655 --> 00:07:09,859
Really? Okay. Gosh.
Where do I start? Okay.
223
00:07:09,926 --> 00:07:11,697
I was talking
to my friend Darlene.
224
00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:13,299
Long story.
I was at a speed dating thing,
225
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,571
and I was like, "Wait,
your name is Darlene too?"
226
00:07:15,638 --> 00:07:17,441
And she was like,
"Hell yeah, bitch!"
227
00:07:17,508 --> 00:07:19,144
[laughs]
So keep that in mind for later.
228
00:07:19,211 --> 00:07:20,915
- Get to the fucking point!
- Oh, yeah.
229
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,921
My chiropractor,
Seong-Mi Darlene--
230
00:07:23,988 --> 00:07:25,825
in Korean, it's also Darlene.
- [groans, sighs]
231
00:07:25,891 --> 00:07:27,862
So there we were,
three Darlenes in a bar--
232
00:07:27,929 --> 00:07:30,166
[laughs]
That's the start of a joke.
233
00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,204
Wow. That shit really works.
234
00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:35,176
[leech squelching]
235
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,552
So anyways, I found out
my chiropractor was
236
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:41,188
in the Magic Mike prequel,
237
00:07:41,255 --> 00:07:43,026
Magic Michelangelo.
[leech squelching]
238
00:07:43,092 --> 00:07:45,598
[laughter and chatter]
239
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,502
JENNY: And so I told her,
it's called Lexapro
240
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,004
not Lexa-rookie for a reason.
241
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:50,708
[chuckles]
CHRISSY: Hey, everyone.
242
00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:52,612
What's, uh--what's going on?
243
00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:53,847
Oh, hi, sweetie.
244
00:07:53,914 --> 00:07:56,653
I asked Amanda
and the other moms over
245
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,360
so I could... apologize.
[leech squelching]
246
00:08:00,427 --> 00:08:04,936
My behavior last night
was inexcusable.
247
00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:05,905
Uh-huh.
248
00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:07,374
Your mom told us
you vocalized
249
00:08:07,441 --> 00:08:08,777
your need for her to be better.
250
00:08:08,844 --> 00:08:11,650
It was your strength, Chrissy,
that's shown her she can.
251
00:08:11,717 --> 00:08:13,620
My strength?
She said that?
252
00:08:13,687 --> 00:08:16,258
I understand now
that you more than anyone
253
00:08:16,325 --> 00:08:19,064
have been affected the most
by my behavior.
254
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,068
I trust you to make
your own choices,
255
00:08:21,135 --> 00:08:23,874
and I hope you will trust me
to support them.
256
00:08:23,941 --> 00:08:26,479
Uh, okay.
257
00:08:26,546 --> 00:08:27,982
Will you support my decision
to buy
258
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,953
those Jessica Simpson
ankle boots?
259
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:33,026
[dramatic musical sting]
[leech squelching]
260
00:08:34,662 --> 00:08:40,106
[strained]
Here you are, Chrissy.
261
00:08:40,173 --> 00:08:41,643
[groans]
262
00:08:41,710 --> 00:08:44,983
And I'd love to volunteer
for the PTA,
263
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,622
that is, if the offer's
still on the table.
264
00:08:47,688 --> 00:08:48,891
- Of course it is.
- Sure.
265
00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:50,928
Oh, I'm here
for this moment, ladies.
266
00:08:50,995 --> 00:08:52,598
I haven't seen
this much personal growth
267
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:53,967
since Ruby went to rehab.
268
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,472
[chuckling]
I used to eat couch cushions.
269
00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:58,142
[laughter]
270
00:08:58,209 --> 00:08:59,311
ERWIN: Hmm.
271
00:08:59,378 --> 00:09:01,783
She's pouring rosé,
volunteering her time.
272
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:03,486
Something weird's
going on here.
273
00:09:03,554 --> 00:09:05,123
Oh, for sure.
274
00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:07,094
But it's working out for me.
- [grunts]
275
00:09:12,538 --> 00:09:16,112
[clanging]
276
00:09:16,178 --> 00:09:17,247
[gasps]
277
00:09:19,284 --> 00:09:20,654
Hello?
278
00:09:20,721 --> 00:09:22,892
Harold?
279
00:09:22,959 --> 00:09:24,361
Still polishing
our blood diamonds
280
00:09:24,428 --> 00:09:25,865
at this hour?
281
00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:27,134
Ah!
282
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,510
[panting]
283
00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:33,714
[screams]
284
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:36,620
BOGEY: Oh, it burns so good.
[moans]
285
00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:38,524
Is this
an "eat the rich" thing?
286
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:40,293
Are you AOC?
287
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,832
[eerie music]
288
00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:44,234
- Hi.
- [screams]
289
00:09:44,301 --> 00:09:45,470
[cackling]
290
00:09:45,538 --> 00:09:46,706
[gurgling]
291
00:09:46,773 --> 00:09:49,779
[laughter]
292
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:52,184
- [wheezing]
- Check this shit out.
293
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,421
[mimicking Harold]
Oh, dear, wine and cheese.
294
00:09:54,488 --> 00:09:55,691
Tax havens.
295
00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:57,494
Okey dokey, artichokey.
296
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:58,931
My turn, fuckers.
297
00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,801
Time to get inside
of some meat sacks.
298
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,003
Oh, this is
what it's all about.
299
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:04,041
- I'm tent-poling already.
- [moaning]
300
00:10:04,108 --> 00:10:05,511
SATAN IN GRANDMA:
Hey, look at me.
301
00:10:05,578 --> 00:10:06,847
I'm bad grandma.
302
00:10:06,913 --> 00:10:08,584
I have loose hips.
303
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,386
I'm ready to fill up this hole.
304
00:10:10,453 --> 00:10:11,388
[gurgling]
305
00:10:11,455 --> 00:10:12,892
[laughter]
306
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,529
Now let's shake things up.
307
00:10:14,596 --> 00:10:17,033
[rumbling, rattling]
308
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,004
[screaming]
309
00:10:19,071 --> 00:10:22,010
[rumbling]
310
00:10:26,653 --> 00:10:29,124
[glass shatters]
311
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:30,828
[crying]
312
00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:32,164
The fuck, dude?
313
00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:36,305
An incidental death
doesn't count.
314
00:10:36,372 --> 00:10:37,875
We all know that.
- Yeah, that's true, but--
315
00:10:37,942 --> 00:10:39,178
You guys keep going.
316
00:10:39,244 --> 00:10:41,448
I'm gonna go outside
and bury it, uh, a-alive.
317
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:44,689
[ominous music]
318
00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:46,192
What the hell
are you looking at?
319
00:10:46,258 --> 00:10:49,164
You never seen a guy stuff
a live girl in a trunk before?
320
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:51,870
I'm saving it for later.
321
00:10:51,937 --> 00:10:53,306
Are you gonna yap my ear off
all night?
322
00:10:55,711 --> 00:10:57,782
[laughter]
323
00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:59,418
You say anything,
I'll turn you
324
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,656
into a pair of snakeskin boots.
SNAKE WITH ARMS: Yeesh.
325
00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:03,827
That was fucking awesome,
Bak!
326
00:11:03,894 --> 00:11:05,096
BAKA: Yeah!
MABEL: On to the next stop.
327
00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:06,365
Frat house!
BAKA: Yeah!
328
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,768
BOGEY: Whoo-hoo!
MABEL: Murder. Torture.
329
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,937
Let's binge-butcher
some Homo sapiens.
330
00:11:09,004 --> 00:11:10,240
Butts. Delicious.
BAKA: Murder. Torture.
331
00:11:10,306 --> 00:11:11,843
Hey. Yeah, right.
[laughs nervously]
332
00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:14,014
BAKA: Let's do this, baby!
MABEL: Tight frat butts!
333
00:11:14,081 --> 00:11:17,020
♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo ♪
334
00:11:17,087 --> 00:11:19,726
Oh, don't mind if I do.
335
00:11:19,792 --> 00:11:22,397
[crunching]
336
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,268
[water running]
♪ Oh, I'm in the shower ♪
337
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:27,975
♪ I'm showering
after eating a cookie ♪
338
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:29,979
♪ And then-- ♪
[pipes rattle, water stops]
339
00:11:30,046 --> 00:11:31,783
Huh?
340
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:32,752
ERWIN: Chrissy!
- [yelps]
341
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:34,187
Ah, sorry, Erwin.
342
00:11:34,254 --> 00:11:35,524
I didn't know
you were doing, uh...
343
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:36,593
whatever you were doing.
344
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,564
Apologizes, Chrissy Feinberg.
345
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:40,266
I was just having
my biannual bath
346
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,168
when the water went out.
347
00:11:41,235 --> 00:11:42,672
Yeah. I know.
Did my mom forget
348
00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:44,107
to pay the utility bill
or something?
349
00:11:44,174 --> 00:11:45,243
[chuckling]
350
00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:47,380
Your mother's been
off the grid for years.
351
00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:48,784
She runs things her own way.
352
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:50,386
Ah. Okay.
353
00:11:50,453 --> 00:11:52,257
So how do I get
the water back on, then?
354
00:11:52,324 --> 00:11:55,230
[laughing]
355
00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:57,267
To replenish the water supply,
356
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:58,904
descend into the haunted well...
357
00:11:58,971 --> 00:12:00,473
Whoo!
ERWIN: Place rod in dirt,
358
00:12:00,541 --> 00:12:03,079
then ingest
wet, scaled vertebrate.
359
00:12:03,145 --> 00:12:04,983
Sorry, buddy.
ERWIN: Don't worry.
360
00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:06,620
Frat boys do it all the time.
361
00:12:06,686 --> 00:12:09,424
[gags]
Terra Lacrimae!
362
00:12:09,491 --> 00:12:10,995
[water bubbling]
363
00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:12,932
It worked! Yeah, motherfucker!
364
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,270
[chuckles] Oh!
365
00:12:16,405 --> 00:12:17,642
[whimpers]
- [roars]
366
00:12:17,708 --> 00:12:19,712
[screams]
367
00:12:21,348 --> 00:12:23,152
[growls]
368
00:12:25,591 --> 00:12:28,697
[gasping]
369
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:31,670
[humming]
Excuse me.
370
00:12:31,736 --> 00:12:32,705
[gulps, sighs]
371
00:12:32,772 --> 00:12:34,909
Whoa. That was a lot.
372
00:12:34,976 --> 00:12:36,478
At least the water's back.
373
00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:37,782
[Erwin chuckles]
374
00:12:37,848 --> 00:12:39,619
Your mother's been
distracted as of late,
375
00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:41,723
so you might have to take care
of her other chores.
376
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:43,292
Oh. Was this in your ass?
377
00:12:43,359 --> 00:12:45,798
That list is more or less
the recurring responsibilities
378
00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:47,467
with which
I've seen her preoccupied.
379
00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:49,939
And why are you tracking
my mom like that?
380
00:12:50,006 --> 00:12:52,344
For when I escape.
381
00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:55,350
[intense music]
382
00:12:55,416 --> 00:12:56,519
♪ ♪
383
00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:59,124
Ooh, sprinklers!
[chuckling]
384
00:12:59,191 --> 00:13:02,030
Well, if she can do this
day in and day out, so can I.
385
00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:05,136
[laughing] I'm being watered!
386
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,209
Oh, Amanda, you have chosen
387
00:13:08,275 --> 00:13:10,547
the exact perfect grouping
of vegetables.
388
00:13:10,614 --> 00:13:12,785
- I know.
- Holy dick! Look!
389
00:13:12,852 --> 00:13:13,854
[all gasp]
390
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,258
Laura, this is beyond.
391
00:13:16,325 --> 00:13:17,895
When did you ever
find the time?
392
00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,131
We're moms.
393
00:13:19,197 --> 00:13:21,803
When do we find time
for anything?
394
00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:22,738
Am I right?
[all agreeing]
395
00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:24,341
JENNY: Yas, queen. Yas.
396
00:13:24,408 --> 00:13:25,844
GINGER: I don't keep clocks
in my house.
397
00:13:25,911 --> 00:13:28,049
Come on,
us moms are passing out condoms
398
00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:30,053
at the make-out point,
or as the kids call it,
399
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,388
Penelope Michael's house.
400
00:13:31,455 --> 00:13:32,958
Okay.
I'll be right behind you.
401
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,562
Just gotta clean up.
402
00:13:34,629 --> 00:13:36,498
JENNY: What is retrograde?
403
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:39,739
[leeches squelching]
404
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,477
ERWIN: Trimming the garden
is essential.
405
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:44,448
[yelps] You dick.
406
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:46,385
ERWIN: Use hedge shears
to trim plants.
407
00:13:46,452 --> 00:13:47,688
[yelling]
408
00:13:47,755 --> 00:13:49,926
ERWIN: Also use hedge shears
to stay alive.
409
00:13:49,992 --> 00:13:50,928
[warbles]
410
00:13:50,994 --> 00:13:52,565
[Chrissy yelling]
411
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,000
ERWIN:
Once you've gripped the Raiju,
412
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,472
you must act fast--
they eat flesh.
413
00:13:56,539 --> 00:13:58,543
Grab the current clamps
and place them on each nipple,
414
00:13:58,610 --> 00:13:59,712
and voilà.
415
00:13:59,779 --> 00:14:01,015
Electricity.
416
00:14:01,081 --> 00:14:03,319
[current buzzing]
417
00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:06,926
[cheering]
[music thumping]
418
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:08,630
FRAT BRO:
Who wants to see my dick?
419
00:14:08,697 --> 00:14:11,301
All right, boys, highest
body count wins starting...
420
00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:12,705
FRAT BRO 2:
We're gonna be alive forever!
421
00:14:12,772 --> 00:14:14,942
- Now!
- [screams]
422
00:14:15,009 --> 00:14:17,715
[all screaming]
423
00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:19,051
I'd like to pledge...
424
00:14:19,117 --> 00:14:20,988
to kill every last one of you.
425
00:14:21,055 --> 00:14:22,925
Oh, shit, let's make 'em
chug their own blood.
426
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,327
Come on, Saty, do that
427
00:14:24,394 --> 00:14:26,231
organ reorganizing trick
you used to do.
428
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:27,467
Give 'em butthole mouths.
429
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:28,904
Oh, right, right,
right, right.
430
00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:30,674
One ass mouth coming up.
431
00:14:30,741 --> 00:14:32,545
MABEL: Run, boys, run.
432
00:14:32,611 --> 00:14:34,047
[dramatic music]
433
00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:36,686
Oh, no, you don't.
434
00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:37,922
All right, here we go.
435
00:14:37,988 --> 00:14:39,024
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
436
00:14:39,091 --> 00:14:40,159
Come on. Come on. Do it.
437
00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:41,228
Do it. Do it. Do it.
438
00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:43,165
Poke it. Just poke through it.
439
00:14:43,232 --> 00:14:45,738
Poke through it.
Just poke it, motherfucker.
440
00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:47,407
[groaning]
441
00:14:47,474 --> 00:14:49,010
[glass shatters]
I can't do it.
442
00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:50,681
I can't even kill
some soon-to-be
443
00:14:50,748 --> 00:14:52,417
LinkedIn thirst trap.
444
00:14:52,484 --> 00:14:55,022
MABEL: Chug, chug, chug, chug.
- Chug! Drink that shit!
445
00:14:55,089 --> 00:14:56,024
Whoo!
MABEL: Deep throat.
446
00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,728
Deep throat. Deep throat.
447
00:14:57,795 --> 00:14:58,864
Fucknabbit.
448
00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:01,201
Yo, is this a prank, bro?
449
00:15:03,105 --> 00:15:04,944
Didn't I tell you
to shut the fuck up?
450
00:15:06,546 --> 00:15:08,617
Look, the devil doesn't
get twisties.
451
00:15:08,683 --> 00:15:11,355
He twisties the necks
of worthless flesh bags
452
00:15:11,422 --> 00:15:13,660
with his cool,
sociopathic friends.
453
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,438
Oh, we got
Snakey Fucking Freud over here.
454
00:15:20,874 --> 00:15:22,778
Oh, I should get
massively loaded.
455
00:15:22,845 --> 00:15:24,381
That'll help.
[laughter]
456
00:15:24,448 --> 00:15:26,051
- Whoo!
- I set a new record, dog.
457
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:27,220
Where were you?
458
00:15:27,287 --> 00:15:29,024
Uh, I wa--I was
doing normal shit.
459
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:31,563
Murder, et cetera, et cetera.
460
00:15:31,629 --> 00:15:33,733
Murder et cetera?
461
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,103
My man!
- Hey,
462
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:36,305
there's an orphanage
up the block.
463
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,808
BOGEY: Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
464
00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:39,044
BAKA: Yeah!
BOGEY: Let's fucking rip
465
00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:39,879
some kids' hearts out.
MABEL: Slice 'em up!
466
00:15:39,946 --> 00:15:41,215
Here we go!
467
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:43,018
I love a white wine
I can see through.
468
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:43,987
Cheers to us.
469
00:15:44,054 --> 00:15:45,924
Yes, to us.
470
00:15:45,991 --> 00:15:47,293
AMANDA: Cheers, ladies.
471
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,866
Next week, we should really
organize a protest
472
00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:52,036
for organic lunches
at the school.
473
00:15:52,103 --> 00:15:54,107
Ooh! A can drive
for can-do attitudes.
474
00:15:54,174 --> 00:15:55,978
- Yes.
- Ladies, ladies,
475
00:15:56,044 --> 00:15:57,515
I polled the kids
around school,
476
00:15:57,581 --> 00:15:59,117
and they said
what they'd want most
477
00:15:59,184 --> 00:16:00,687
is to go to school
without fear.
478
00:16:00,754 --> 00:16:03,192
So I made them
adrenal gland calming stickers.
479
00:16:03,259 --> 00:16:04,327
JENNY:
Laura's a goddamn genius.
480
00:16:04,394 --> 00:16:05,263
RUBY: What did we do
before you?
481
00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:06,398
GINGER: I just came.
482
00:16:09,505 --> 00:16:10,974
[flies buzzing]
483
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:14,347
[Chrissy retching]
484
00:16:16,786 --> 00:16:18,088
[sighs]
485
00:16:18,155 --> 00:16:19,424
KID 1: Yeah!
KID 2: Whoo!
486
00:16:19,491 --> 00:16:21,061
[bells dinging]
[laughter]
487
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:24,134
Enjoy it!
Youth doesn't last forever!
488
00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:26,739
She must be going
through a lot of stuff.
489
00:16:26,806 --> 00:16:30,479
[quirky music]
490
00:16:30,547 --> 00:16:33,219
- [screams]
- Kill Antichrist.
491
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,755
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
492
00:16:34,822 --> 00:16:36,391
Whoa!
493
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:38,830
Huh. Checkmate.
494
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,634
CHRISSY: Fucking get--
495
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,538
Ah, monster of the week.
496
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:43,507
Check.
497
00:16:43,573 --> 00:16:45,644
[screaming]
[monster growling]
498
00:16:45,711 --> 00:16:48,449
[shouting unintelligibly]
499
00:16:48,517 --> 00:16:50,052
[shrieking]
500
00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:51,956
Mom! Mom, help!
501
00:16:52,023 --> 00:16:54,127
Aw, my little
Chrissy Wissy Poo's
502
00:16:54,194 --> 00:16:55,898
fighting her own monster.
503
00:16:55,964 --> 00:16:59,070
I wish I could help, but I have
to prepare for the potluck.
504
00:16:59,137 --> 00:17:00,674
Tear out his heart, honey.
505
00:17:00,741 --> 00:17:02,110
Kill him and whatnot.
506
00:17:02,176 --> 00:17:03,613
[monster snarls]
507
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,619
[yelling]
508
00:17:10,092 --> 00:17:14,301
[gasping]
509
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,706
Mom, what the fuck
is going on, and where are you?
510
00:17:16,773 --> 00:17:18,677
I could have died
a million times today.
511
00:17:18,743 --> 00:17:20,046
I should be out playing.
512
00:17:20,112 --> 00:17:22,518
I'm 13, and I had to feed
toenails to a goblin
513
00:17:22,585 --> 00:17:24,287
to get the gas back--
[gasps]
514
00:17:24,354 --> 00:17:26,191
[screams]
[leeches squelching]
515
00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:28,530
What is happening?
516
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:29,565
Oops.
517
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,168
Should have locked
the door, sweetie.
518
00:17:31,235 --> 00:17:33,105
It's ocupado.
CHRISSY: What the hell is--
519
00:17:33,172 --> 00:17:34,642
[laughter]
520
00:17:34,709 --> 00:17:35,944
[indistinct chatter]
521
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,046
You go, girl.
522
00:17:37,113 --> 00:17:38,617
[Laura screams]
523
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,019
GUY 1: What's happening?
Are they gonna kill us?
524
00:17:40,086 --> 00:17:41,556
GIRL 1:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
525
00:17:41,623 --> 00:17:43,526
You gonna just
stand there and watch?
526
00:17:43,593 --> 00:17:45,229
Your whole bit is
that you got arms.
527
00:17:45,296 --> 00:17:46,465
Fucking help me.
528
00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:53,245
[indistinct chatter]
529
00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:56,051
BAKA: What's the haps, Satan?
SATAN: Huh? Oh.
530
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,688
Holy fuck.
Sweet air. Sweet air.
531
00:17:57,755 --> 00:18:00,426
Hey, that's the nun you said
you were about to disembowel.
532
00:18:00,493 --> 00:18:02,598
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I wa--I was, uh--
533
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,167
And that's the teen
from before.
534
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,671
TEEN: Hi.
- You didn't bury her alive.
535
00:18:05,737 --> 00:18:08,475
Did you save her life?
536
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:10,313
Ah, fuck it.
I don't care anymore.
537
00:18:10,379 --> 00:18:12,450
Yeah, I didn't kill her.
- Ha! I knew it.
538
00:18:12,518 --> 00:18:15,122
The rumors about
the Realm of Realms were true.
539
00:18:15,189 --> 00:18:19,497
Satan's turned
into a soft, little baby.
540
00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:21,401
[fake crying]
- I'm not soft.
541
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,138
I don't enjoy
this shit anymore.
542
00:18:23,205 --> 00:18:25,076
Destroying realms is epic.
543
00:18:25,142 --> 00:18:26,879
These murder games
are just dumb.
544
00:18:26,946 --> 00:18:28,015
And so are all of you.
545
00:18:28,082 --> 00:18:30,386
I figured that out
all by myself.
546
00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:31,789
You really called it, Baka.
547
00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:34,427
Satan is a huge wussy,
flabby pussy.
548
00:18:34,494 --> 00:18:36,733
If you guys knew I was lame,
why did you invite me out?
549
00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:39,404
Because, dumbass,
you're our meal ticket.
550
00:18:39,471 --> 00:18:40,674
You thought we'd been
hanging out with you
551
00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,611
all these centuries
because we like you?
552
00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:43,613
Hell no!
553
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,951
But if our meal ticket
is expired...
554
00:18:46,018 --> 00:18:47,053
Then it looks
like we're gonna
555
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:49,725
have to find
another way to eat.
556
00:18:49,792 --> 00:18:51,128
[roars]
557
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:52,430
Agh!
558
00:18:52,497 --> 00:18:54,502
- [hisses]
- Aah!
559
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:55,637
Oh, fuck.
560
00:18:55,704 --> 00:18:58,743
To perish by the very means
I live by.
561
00:18:58,810 --> 00:19:00,246
Oh, the irony!
562
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:02,116
A true ouroboros.
563
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,753
[muffled] No!
564
00:19:03,820 --> 00:19:05,189
[dramatic music]
565
00:19:05,256 --> 00:19:07,493
[screeches]
566
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:08,863
[yells]
567
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:11,201
How's that for soft, bitches?
BAKA: Oh, it burns.
568
00:19:11,268 --> 00:19:12,638
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
569
00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:13,940
BAKA:
What a horrible way to go!
570
00:19:14,007 --> 00:19:14,975
Me drive? How come?
571
00:19:15,042 --> 00:19:16,111
BAKA: I'm being digested...
572
00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:17,514
- [whimpers]
- Oh, right.
573
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,250
Right, right.
BAKA: By a fucking snake!
574
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:20,453
Oh, that smells delicious.
575
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:21,556
Guys, you need to go.
576
00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:22,991
My mom is--something is wrong.
577
00:19:23,058 --> 00:19:24,562
What exactly do you think
is wrong with her?
578
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:25,831
And do you mind
if I record this?
579
00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:27,467
Let's get her canceled.
I mean help.
580
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,004
I don't care
about the stupid potluck,
581
00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:31,408
and my mom shouldn't either,
and that's why I'm--
582
00:19:31,475 --> 00:19:32,678
LAURA: Hello, ladies.
583
00:19:32,745 --> 00:19:34,114
[eerie music]
584
00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:35,316
[all gasp]
585
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,552
JENNY: Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
586
00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:38,690
This is the grossest shit
I've ever seen.
587
00:19:38,757 --> 00:19:41,128
All of you look gorge,
per usual.
588
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,363
What are those things?
589
00:19:42,430 --> 00:19:44,000
Why are they all over you?
590
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,637
These are my anger leeches.
591
00:19:45,704 --> 00:19:47,240
We are all one. We love anger.
592
00:19:47,306 --> 00:19:48,943
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, anger.
593
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:50,814
Mom, you have to take them
off of you.
594
00:19:50,881 --> 00:19:52,518
But we are here for you, child.
595
00:19:52,584 --> 00:19:54,989
Your mother has given us
the gift of her anger.
596
00:19:55,056 --> 00:19:57,460
In turn, we have given her
the gift of freedom
597
00:19:57,528 --> 00:19:59,030
from her pain, her body.
598
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,433
MOMS: Aww.
- Not aww!
599
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:02,170
This shit stops right now.
600
00:20:04,074 --> 00:20:05,409
What the--
AMANDA: Ha!
601
00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:07,346
This is how you've been
one-upping me, huh?
602
00:20:07,413 --> 00:20:09,084
You see this, ladies?
603
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:10,386
She's a cheater.
604
00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,889
You cannot hurt us, child,
605
00:20:11,956 --> 00:20:13,927
unless you wish
to hurt your mommy.
606
00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:16,164
Do you really want to hurt her
more than you already have?
607
00:20:16,231 --> 00:20:17,701
Chrissy, your mom loves you.
608
00:20:17,768 --> 00:20:20,206
Everything she does is for you,
including cheating.
609
00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:22,043
Fuck you, Amanda.
[all gasp]
610
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:23,913
Please, snap out of it
and be a bitch again.
611
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:26,218
You are so much better
than all of these shitty moms.
612
00:20:26,284 --> 00:20:27,921
If by better,
you mean she has
613
00:20:27,988 --> 00:20:30,761
a mind-altering
substance abuse issue,
614
00:20:30,827 --> 00:20:32,664
then sure, she's better.
615
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,469
You know what? Fuck you!
Fuck your mom!
616
00:20:35,537 --> 00:20:37,808
You have no idea how I have
to take it up the tailpipe
617
00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:39,077
day in and day out.
618
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:41,348
I do everything for every one
of my goddamn family!
619
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:43,185
Your mom isn't better than us.
620
00:20:43,252 --> 00:20:45,322
She's got it easy,
and I'd fucking kill
621
00:20:45,389 --> 00:20:46,959
to be in her shoes right now.
622
00:20:47,026 --> 00:20:50,934
[leeches squelching]
623
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:53,540
Well, I heard your husband's
thinking about leaving you,
624
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:55,443
so you might get your wish
soon enough,
625
00:20:55,510 --> 00:20:57,013
at least
that's what Jenny said.
626
00:20:57,079 --> 00:20:58,415
You shitting me?
627
00:20:58,482 --> 00:21:00,720
After I bought you
that rose jade quartz roller?
628
00:21:00,787 --> 00:21:02,958
- I didn't ask for it.
- You fucking needed it!
629
00:21:03,025 --> 00:21:04,962
You make your son eat
out of the palm of your hand
630
00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:06,799
because he's the only thing
you can control.
631
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:09,270
- Oh, fuck you, Jenny!
- Oh, fuck you, Amanda!
632
00:21:09,337 --> 00:21:11,776
[both grunting]
633
00:21:11,843 --> 00:21:13,980
[leeches squelching]
634
00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:16,017
[sighs]
635
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,388
Chrissy, why are these cunts
in my house?
636
00:21:18,455 --> 00:21:20,025
Oh, shit.
You're coming back.
637
00:21:20,092 --> 00:21:21,128
What else pisses you off?
638
00:21:21,194 --> 00:21:22,463
Let's hear it!
639
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,234
My life is not my own!
640
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,371
Someone slap me
so I can feel something!
641
00:21:26,438 --> 00:21:28,142
[leeches squelching]
642
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,479
♪ ♪
643
00:21:30,547 --> 00:21:32,350
I'm tired of having
to hide my anger
644
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:33,887
because it puts people off!
645
00:21:33,953 --> 00:21:36,458
Just because you breastfed
your kid until he was four
646
00:21:36,526 --> 00:21:38,395
doesn't make you
a better mother than me!
647
00:21:38,462 --> 00:21:41,602
I haven't slept
more than four hours in years!
648
00:21:41,669 --> 00:21:42,938
I don't even have a kid.
649
00:21:43,005 --> 00:21:44,474
I just love groups!
650
00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:45,844
I killed the family cat.
651
00:21:45,911 --> 00:21:47,981
I look at myself
in the mirror, and I punch it!
652
00:21:48,048 --> 00:21:50,286
RUBY: A pumpkin is
the most basic, lazy,
653
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,421
Halloween costume for a baby.
654
00:21:51,488 --> 00:21:52,991
GINGER: I want to break shit!
655
00:21:54,294 --> 00:21:55,462
Mom, help.
656
00:21:55,530 --> 00:21:56,833
There's too many.
657
00:21:56,899 --> 00:21:57,835
Chrissy?
658
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,103
I feel hungry...
659
00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:00,574
for kicking some ass.
660
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,443
Thank God, cause this shit
really sucks.
661
00:22:02,511 --> 00:22:04,214
Get it? Ha! Not the time.
662
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,484
[leeches screeching]
663
00:22:06,552 --> 00:22:08,255
I'm sorry
about all of this, Chrissy.
664
00:22:08,322 --> 00:22:09,792
I bet you wish
I was still nice.
665
00:22:09,859 --> 00:22:11,629
Fuck nice.
I'd take the psycho
666
00:22:11,696 --> 00:22:13,833
real version of you
over the nice one any day.
667
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,002
I need you.
668
00:22:16,137 --> 00:22:17,841
[leeches chittering]
669
00:22:17,908 --> 00:22:20,580
[chanting]
670
00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:23,085
Die, mothersuckers!
671
00:22:23,151 --> 00:22:24,955
[glass shatters]
672
00:22:26,224 --> 00:22:27,561
[all sigh]
673
00:22:27,628 --> 00:22:29,264
Oh, that was
really something.
674
00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:31,669
Okay, everyone, please get
the fuck out of my house.
675
00:22:31,736 --> 00:22:32,838
At least you said please.
676
00:22:37,446 --> 00:22:39,150
[sighs]
Can I ask you something?
677
00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:40,419
[speaks language]
678
00:22:40,486 --> 00:22:42,056
We spent all night
beating up on you,
679
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:44,728
giving you noogies,
pissing in your hat,
680
00:22:44,795 --> 00:22:46,899
and you still saved me.
681
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:48,035
how come?
682
00:22:50,974 --> 00:22:52,343
Shit.
683
00:22:52,410 --> 00:22:53,980
I friend.
684
00:22:59,525 --> 00:23:01,328
Are you quoting Paula?
685
00:23:01,394 --> 00:23:02,898
You tacky son of a bitch.
686
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:05,302
You're ribbing me,
you cheesy fuck.
687
00:23:05,369 --> 00:23:06,572
[both laugh]
688
00:23:06,639 --> 00:23:08,810
[Baka groaning]
689
00:23:08,876 --> 00:23:10,379
Your mind's in the gutter.
690
00:23:10,446 --> 00:23:11,916
Where it should be,
if you're a snake.
691
00:23:11,983 --> 00:23:13,418
[both laugh]
- [Baka groaning]
692
00:23:13,485 --> 00:23:15,523
PAULA:
♪ I take two steps forward ♪
693
00:23:15,590 --> 00:23:18,161
BRUCE:
♪ I take two steps back ♪
694
00:23:18,228 --> 00:23:21,434
BOTH: ♪ We come together
'cause opposites attract ♪
695
00:23:21,502 --> 00:23:23,573
♪ And you know
it ain't fiction ♪
696
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,244
BRUCE: ♪ Just a natural fact ♪
697
00:23:26,311 --> 00:23:30,687
BOTH: ♪ We come together
'cause opposites attract ♪
698
00:23:30,754 --> 00:23:32,323
PAULA: ♪ Who'd-a thought ♪
699
00:23:32,390 --> 00:23:34,360
BRUCE: ♪ We could be lovers? ♪
700
00:23:34,427 --> 00:23:36,031
♪ She makes the bed ♪
701
00:23:36,097 --> 00:23:38,803
PAULA:
♪ And he steals the covers ♪
702
00:23:38,853 --> 00:23:43,403
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