All language subtitles for Kate.Berlant.Cinnamon.in.the.Wind.2022.WEBRip.x264-ION10English

(gentle music)

♪♪♪

(cheers and applause)

Whoa!

Okay, yeah.
Good.

Okay, don't embarrass
yourself, okay.

Ohh, the expectations.

Crushing, I would argue.

Absolutely crushing,

debilitating in every way.

I'm gonna move this,
'cause I'm so thin

I'll disappear
behind it, so...

And then you'll be like,
"Is that-- Is that Kate

"or is that Kate?
Right?

"I don't know who to watch.
Is that the comedian,

or is that the, uh,
the mic stand?"

So... So, the cameras.

Big night for me.

Yeah, really big.

So there's a camera,
there's a camera. Huh!

You know, they're everywhere.
They can see you.

We can see them.

It's an inherently false,
um, moment, right?

It's a little bit scary.
They're-- they're filming.

They're not actually filming.
They are, but it's...

Is it-- is the camera
inherently misogynist?

Yes, right, so...

Am I-- Am I--
Do I feel attacked?

Yeah. Right, it's very--
Even the language.

You know, "We're shooting her.
We shot her.

"We got her.

We have her."
Right, it's a--

You know, I feel--

Is it scary?
Yeah, you know...

Is what I do brave?

Yeah, you know...

(chuckles)
It absolutely is.

But I was, of course,
forced into comedy

at a very young age

just because
of my bone structure.

But I did...

I chose to stay in it
for this, the directness.

Right? And I can reach out
and I can actually--

I'm changing lives,
and she's crying.

She's crying.
It's me, sweetie.

You can touch, yeah, yeah.
Very sweet.

No, that was very sweet.

That was very sweet.

She was looking up at me,
and she was like,

"Uh! I grew up with you
in my home.

"How can--
Am I in my living room?

What's going on?"

And her friend was like,
"Go for it, babe."

And she was like,
"Okay, if you say so."

It was very sweet.
So, yeah.

So it's... great moment
to have up top.

Unprecedented, I would argue,
to have such

a direct physical connection
with the audience,

aside from the emotional one
that I'm fostering already,

and we're what, minute--
Who cares?

I'm not counting.
You are, yeah.

But... (exhales)

Out of breath from
the physical comedy I did,

so right now-- I do--

one thing about me that is
essential is that I do comedy

primarily to process
the overwhelming privilege

of my childhood, um...

adolescence
and now adulthood, right?

If you can imagine
growing up

almost collapsing under
the weight of resources.

Right?
Almost so many, right,

that your gait
is affected, right?

If you can imagine my parents,
you know, so loving.

"You're so special.
We love you." Right?

They're
actually not divorced, right?

All of that, and somehow,
with all of that

weighing you down,

just finding the strength
to get to Zara.

Just somehow-- Whoa!

And sometimes Zara's closed,
I'll be honest.

This is actually my first time
not performing for kids.

Um...

I usually do my--
my sort of my--

my bracket is two to four.

That's really where I thrive.

And, you know,
I do a lot of stuff kind of...

♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday ♪

♪ Where are my boots? ♪
You know, and then I...

The boots are gone,
and then we do

a scavenger hunt
for the boots,

and it's really fun,
but tonight, I...

I was like, no, no, no.
I want to do adults.

You know, I want
to do-- I want to go verbal.

I want to do the adult stuff.

It's really hard to have

absolutely no comedic
influences whatsoever.

Um...

Well, I would say
my influences are pottery,

um, just engagement

with the raw materiality
of the earth,

and... small batch granola.

I think just batches
of granola

that are made
in such small quantities

they actively resist capitalism.

I think that's it.

Uh, and Carlin, yeah.

I know I ooze
an East Coast intellectualism,

but I'm actually
from Los Angeles, right here.

Um, is anyone else born
and raised in L. A.?

-(people hoot)
-I'm the only one!

So... it's weird to be
the only one,

but it's
such an incredible...

You know, and people say,
oh, you know,

"Hollywood. It's a paper town
filled with paper people."

You know, but it's so real,
I actually think.

People-- if you were
from here, you'd know

that what we do
with our families

is we go out to the docks
every morning,

'cause it really is
an import...

No, it's
an import-export town.

So you'll see families
at dawn,

and we watch the barrels
of the imports come in

and the exports leave, right?

And that kind of creates
this beautiful choreography

of commerce,
and it's really exciting,

and I cry every time
that I see it.

(exhales deeply)
So it's emotional.

But, yeah, I love it here.
It's-- it's beautiful.

I often walk around
and, like, it's so lush

I feel like I'm in Mexico,
and then I'm like,

"You are.
It's a false border."

Right? So, yeah, yeah.

Hope there are no cops here.

I like that.
This could be good.

And then it-- But it would
really be subversive

if I took this all the way
into the street,

and then you were still here
and never knew--

"She's in San Diego.

She just crossed the line
into Pomona City."

I don't know about
various cities.

-Um...
-(laughter)

Yeah, because, maps, no.

I won't--
It always terrifies me

when you see people
going to the map store.

"Map for one!"
You know, and they bring it--

They-- "This is what
we worship in this house."

Right.

It's like, who made
your maps? Right?

Who's benefiting
off that system?

Dead silence.
No one cares, so...

And that's
what I'm doing here.

I've actually been
sent here by the government.

(chuckles)
To shine a flashlight

in those dark corners
of culture and go,

"Who made your maps?
You don't know, right?

Well, now you're gonna know."
But I--

But then, of course,
the deep terror:

I don't know either.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I don't even know
what day it is.

I don't--
Ask me what day it is.

-[man] What day it is?
-Don't know!

I'm an artist, okay.

I'm more pulled by the tides.

It is sometimes,
I'll admit it, hard

being the only artist
in the room.

Um...

Sorry, the only true artist
in the room.

I am controlling
the laughter tonight also.

Just, you know,
know that, so, yeah, shh.

(chuckles and hums)

Ha ha ha. You know.

A little less here
and then-- Okay.

-(man chuckles)
-You were late, whoever
that was, you were late.

-(laughter)
-Okay.

Mm. Two weeks till regionals.
We're screwed!

(laughter and applause)

Yeah. Yeah.
"We don't wanna practice."

Well, it's gonna be
a lot of sad faces

in the parking lot
after the tournament.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Wow.

Hmm. Thank you
for... for this.

For giving me a safe place
to heal tonight, for...

My work is, of course,
endurance-based.

It's kind of about
you enduring me.

So this very...
Yeah, it just means a lot.

(laughter)

I am psychic, so, uh,

is your name, like...
Christine?

Okay, it's fine.
Um...

(laughter)

Hmm. It's fine.

It's fine. Is there
a Christine over here?

Just 'cause sometimes the energy
does a direct transfer.

Is there a Christine
in this area at all?

Christine-less. Wow.

Well, it's bad luck.

Corporate's not gonna
like that.

No.

(sighs) Yeah,
I think the mirror,

you know, it's just so
interesting to perform

in front of a mirror
when I am a mirror for you.

Right? For your fears,
desires, anxieties, right?

So...

And you're also my mirror
as the audience.

You know, I look at you and
I'm like, "I am the messiah."

You know, it's very--

Or a messiah figure,
I should say,

but it's-- so there's
a lot going on here.

There's actually--
there's actually three mirrors

in the room.

You'll get it in a week.
Call me. Okay.

(laughter)

No, but the mirror, of course,
also is the origin of narrative,

film, the building blocks
of cinema.

Entertainment. The origin
of entertainment right here.

The first entertainment,
of course, the cavewoman,

or caveperson,
looking in the river.

"Who's that? Ahh!"
Delight in one's image, eh?

Spanking the river.

Realizing, "Ohh!"
And then-- and then the ripples.

Oh, frames,
frames of film, right.

So it goes on...

Yeah, so it's-- it's
the river, the reflection,

and then "Cheers,"
that would be next in line.

And then me, yeah.

That's the evolution
of entertainment.

I feel like
I'm neglecting this side.

We're-- I'm so frontal.
I'm so Western.

I'm so American.
The front, the front, the front.

I want to see it all!
Right?

Instead of kind of
not America.

Kind of other ways
to live, right?

Kind of like getting
my hair cut at home.

Right, things like that
that I don't explore.

I'm like, "Oh, boy.
A sale?"

(laughter)

(chuckles) You know?
And it's like, why?

Why couldn't I go,
"Make it at home."

You know, except--
but that's a side neglect.

So it's make it at home, yeah.

Okay. I'll work on it.
Jesus Christ.

I'm so sorry to try to find
something in the moment.

I'll get-- I'll get back
to the-- the "A" material.

Okay, ten years ago,
there's nothing, so...

(laughter)

I sort of just for the mo--
I kind of wanna--

Could I have a spotlight?

I just want to really feel
what that might be like.

In the--
for the complete drama.

Oh, wow.

Can you believe that?

How's this?
How's this?

-Am I in it?
-(cheers and applause)

Oh.

It's hard to receive.

(laughter)

I'll be hon--
Isn't that wild?

Right now, being in it,
feeling it,

it's so-- it brings
up, "Oh, no."

You know, it does.
But I could.

I could actually go to that
place where I don't know.

I don't know anymore.
I don't know.

Actually, it feels really good.
Just, "I don't know."

You know, it feels good
to go there,

'cause so often you have to,

"I have the paperwork
right here, sir."

You know, but...
but inside,

I don't know.

I think as women we fear
our excellence so intrinsically.

We're taught to fear it
so early,

so the spotlight
to really feel th--

I also just wonder, like,
in this light,

are my features
too violently Hassidic,

or could I pass
for Italian, right?

I wonder.
I don't know.

I can't quite tell.
Mmm.

The makeup. I do--

I believe that women
have the right

to steal cosmetics 100%,
by the way.

I do want to say.
Are you kidding me?

We are forced into a system

where we have to constantly
pay for certain creams,

powders, lotions, right?

We have to pay
for our own subjectivity.

And, no, you know,
if you don't...

if you don't have that, then
the state won't recognize you,

and you can't get a job.
Right? So...

No, I have to contour
my nose away to get a bank loan.

I'm not-- I won't do it.

No, well, this lipstick
tonight that I'm wearing

actually is called
Scarlet Empress,

and, yeah, so the violence
is truly never-ending, and...

(laughter)

...it cost $30.

(mutters) If you pay
for it, right? But...

No, and by the way,
I'm not advocating

for stealing from small
businesses, of course not.

I'm talking about
large corporations

who factor theft into their
annual budget, I think, heh.

But... but have fun.

If you can safely do it,
have fun. Okay.

Mmm.

I was on my way
to what I knew

would be
a disappointing massage...

(exhales deeply)

...and I realized I--
I do think

I'll see a woman
become president

in my lifetime.
I do, and--

No, I think it's cool
you're not clapping, though.

I think that's cool.
Um...

No, it's chic, you know.

It's not condescending.
You're not like...

"Who run the world?
Girls!"

No, it's just very real.

You're like, "No, we--
It's time, and...

we anticipate that."
(chuckles)

So... I do think I'll see it.

But-- but I will say,
I think for America

to elect a woman
as a president,

she's either gonna
have to be

so hypersexualized,
like pornographically feminized

to the point that she wins
and immediately is like,

"Oh, no!

Oh, no!"

Gets into the Oval Office,
is like dropping stuff.

Like, "I'm such a slut.
I'm sorry.

(childlike voice)
I'm sorry."

Or-- or she'll have to be
so radically desexualized

that she's truly just
a fridge on one wheel

with a single eye, like...

(laughter)

That's it!

I just-- I don't see America
electing just a woman.

Just a woman in pants
who's like,

"I believe people have the right
to live with dignity."

No.

I don't see it.
So, yeah, to recap,

it's either hypersexualization
or desexualization

to the point of being artillery,
just so it's clear.

Oh, and I want to be clear.
Like, I want the fridge.

Like, please,
I'm dying for the fridge.

(sighs heavily)

I go to museums.

-Nothing? Okay, and...
-(laughter)

I'll just take an afternoon,
like absolutely.

Oh, mys-- Yeah, no,
I'll go and-- to get inspired

and to meet men,
and I'll...

I always feel like I have
this direct connection

to kind of almost
a past self.

Like, I'll look-- I always
find myself wandering the halls

of the-- the rococo paintings

and the--
and the Renaissance,

and there's always
this incredible cornucap--

(laughter)

I'll walk you though
what happened.

I meant to say cornucopia.
Co-co-co!

And I said ca-ca-ca.
"Cornuca-- Cornucapia?

Never heard of it, Kate.
The show's over, okay?"

And that's--
that's a professional.

'Cause someone else,
"cornucapia,"

they'd never notice, uhh!
But me-- Cor--

I-- one-- one little
mistake like that,

I'm not kidding,
we'll go from the top.

I'll start this puppy over.
I will.

(laughter)

Okay, so the museum stuff,
I'm gonna do it.

You'll see, it's not worth it,
but, um...

(chuckles)

I'm doing it!

Okay, so sometimes,
you'll be at the museum

and I'll see--
I will see these paintings

of these sort of
beautiful cornucopias,

and, uh, there's
a slaughtered rabbit,

right, and the orange peel.

You know what it's like.
You're a cultured group.

And there's--
there's always a wench

just hovering just over
the cornucopia like...

(laughter)

It's me, it's me.

And also, I will say

I can very easily become male,

kind of look like the, um,
the court jester,

you know,
with the pan flute, like...

(laughter)

You know, that's...

I'm eternal... is, I guess,
what I'm trying to say.

I'm not really
the-- the girl next-door.

I'm the door!
(chuckles)

(sighs)

I don't know if anything's
ever happened to anyone here.

-Um...
-(laughter)

I don't want to assume, right,
but I will say

growing up in my family,
we didn't have wheat.

Um... but we had each other.

Oh, we had the hope for wheat,

so, in a way, it's almost
like we had...

[audience] Wheat!

Love this crowd!
Thank you.

To feel so bolstered,
so supported in that moment

was something I haven't felt
in a really long time.

Oh, ah! But...

I was in here before
all of you came,

just waxing the floors,

getting everything just so.

I did found this theater.

I founded the theater,

and founded theater
in general, or...

at least am seen
as responsible

with bringing theater
to the West, but...

"Jokes Aside," which is
the name of my book, but, oh...

I... I was in here alone,

and as women we're socialized
against seeing solitude

as a space of productivity--

write it down
if you have to--

and so in doing that, I was
like, "That's activism."

Right, that's it's right there.

Right, so why even go on stage
and do the work?

It's almost redundant.
But...

While I'm here, can someone
just give me an emotion?

I want to continue to act.

-[voice] Anger.
-Anger.

Anger I think for me
is really just...

(laughter and applause)

Can I have--
Can I have another?

We're not done.
Can I have another?

-[man] Acting nervous.
-[woman] Fear.

Oh, whoa. Fear.

-(laughter)
-Well...

One more, 'cause you're
begging for it.

-One more.
-[woman] Thrill.

Thrill.
No, I like that, thrill.

Thrill is really just in
the most simple form...

(laughter)

Right? Because we actually
hide what we feel.

We don't show
what we're feeling, right?

An amateur would
get up here and say,

"Oh, fear? Oh, no!"

Right? But no.
When you're actually afraid,

you're like,
"I'm not scared," you know.

"Don't-- don't let him see."
Right?

So that's...
that's what that is.

Cool. Whew.
A lot came up for that.

That was actually good.
I could actually feel myself

locking in there.

Somatically, I was like,
"This is acting."

So... that was
absolutely helpful.

While I'm in the spotlight,
hit the track.

Can you imagine?
There's nothing, but...

(laughter and applause)

I wish.
Give me a couple years.

No more spotlight!
Okay, I'm over it, actually.

Can we get out?
Thank you.

I could call back, but--
Oh, they want more?

Whatever they need. Whatever
the camera needs, right?

Oh. Cameras,
cameras, everywhere.

Cameras, cameras,
don't you dare.

You see me, but I see you.

You say yes, I and say...

Ugh, couldn't rhyme.

(laughter)

I'm just checking in.

I love you.
Okay, great.

It is helpful just
to have that anchor.

To have an anchor.

Here, I would almost just
almost end the sentence there.

To have an anchor. Wow.

Only because
I'm really feeling it,

did someone... yeah.

Okay, did someone over here
recently move?

And I'm seeing Wisconsin.
I'm real--

Wisconsin's being highlighted.

Is anyone in this area
from Wisconsin

or have any relationship
to it?

-Wisconsin!
-(laughter)

Okay, um...

(scattered laughter)

Michigan.

Did anyone here move recently?

By the way, I'm fine.

(laughter)

I need you, I need you,
I need you.

Relax. I need you supine.
I need you trusting. Okay?

I do this at the boardwalk
every Sunday, okay?

I'm fine.

(laughter)

Now back to Wisconsin.

No, that's fine. It's--
It might be somewhere else.

-It's called an energy flare.
-(man whistles)

Oh, Wisconsin?

Oh, thank you, great.
Thank you so much.

See? So, I'm right. Yeah.

(laughter)

You recently moved?

Yeah, silent.
I like that, okay.

(chuckles)

I'm seeing an injury.

Not like I--
It's-- It's healed.

But did someone here
have like a left--

Is it their left angle-- ankle.

Left angle?
Cool, we're going from the top!

I'm not kidding!

I said angle
instead of ankle.

Unprofession-- Oh, my God!
That's radical.

See, this actually
looks like a plant.

This is actually--
No, this is unfortunate,

'cause this looks fake.

(laughter)

I'll only ask this.
Is it your left side?

[woman #1] Yeah.
-(cheers and laughter)

I can do more of like a--
of a clear landing just for--

-Yeah, good.
-(applause)

(audience member hoots)

(exhales) God, it feels good.

(laughter)

First of all, I'm sorry.

(laughs)

Hey, hey, hey.
Your h--

It goes your health,
my show.

Yeah.

Is it-- is it a--
is it a break?

-It's a sprain.
-A sprain.

And it is my ankle.

Yeah, so ooh!

Oh, you didn't think I was
really psychic, huh?

Left ankle sprain.
(chuckles)

Was it-- I'm getting the sense
that it was not sports-related.

Um, it-- it was, but--

Well, I mean, it always is,
like in the sense

that you are in sport, that your
body is in motion, but, yeah.

-I'm not a sporty person, so...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were you--
what were you playing?

I was in a spin class.

Let this be a lesson.

They will take your money...

they will ruin your family
and your reputation,

and they'll send you
on your way.

Were you downtown?

I was in Eagle Rock.

So, yeah.

(laughter)

I've always said, like,
downtown is up here.

(chuckles) You know?

Like, you'll notice
right now I'm downtown.

I'm downtown.

And for me,
even when I'm uptown...

Oh, no, no!

Oh-- Whoa, I almost tripped,
and no one came to help, whoa!

That actually was scary.
There was a quick moment,

and then-- and not--
to not even feel a hand come up.

"Let me help you.
You're just here to--

"You're just trying
to make me laugh.

Let me help you
if you fall." Right?

But instead,
"Work, work, work!"

I guess I am alone up here.
It's good-- No.

Thank you for reminding me.
Very good, very good.

The wire, of course, kind of
representing media, I think.

The way it's snaking around me.

The way media literally
cannibalizes the female form.

Right, you'll notice
how it's snaking around.

"Sure, tell your story...
(deep voice) but on my terms."

-You know, it's very...
-(laughter)

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
40 minutes right here.

Can you believe this doesn't
affect the sound?

Can you believe that?
This really is--

This is engineering.

This is-- this is
why we go to war

is to protect this.
I want to fight for this.

I want to fight
for my country with this, okay.

Back to the ankle injury.

-Is your name Rachel?
-No.

Can you imagine that?
I would've been, "Whoo!"

Do you have... a dog.

No, I want a dog, though.

That's what I'm picking up on,
the urge.

(laughter)

Last thing I'll say or not,
it's my show.

Um...

Do you have-- I'm seeing
sisters. Do you have sisters?

I have a younger sister.

Yeah, so you're
the second sister.

So I'm seeing sisters,
and it's you.

You have-- It's you
and your younger sister.

I'm actually an only child.

(laughter)

Go ahead, laugh.
You've got one.

Never seen one up close, huh?
Go ahead.

For those of you who don't know,
an only child

is somebody with no brothers,

and you guessed it,
no sisters.

(laughter)

(sighs deeply)

It used to make me sad
as a child,

but now I realize
it's actually a gift,

because I don't have to live
under the crushing weight

of the sexual tension
that I know exists

among all siblings, yeah.

That's what I like
when see people full,

"Oh, God, the truth!"
They're crossing in.

That's what I like to see.

And by the way, that's okay.
You're normal, okay?

Any institution that's like,
"Sex doesn't exist here,"

it's 'cause it does.

And I'll just say,
like if I had a brother,

forget about it, okay?

-(laughter and applause)
-Forget... about... it.

(chuckles)
Cannot imagine.

Sneaking a glimpse of him
in his boxers at dawn, like...

(laughter)

Before school. Heh!

Long family car trips,
no one else to talk to.

Fall in love like that, okay?

It's easy.
It's easy.

Getting picked up, being like,
"Oh, Josh, put me down!

"Stop!

"Ugh! You ripped my shirt.
Yeah, I need yours.

What else am I gonna wear
to Easter brunch?"

"Mom and Dad aren't gonna be
home for like an hour.

"Just give me your shirt.

Ugh!"

I'm jealous.

(chuckles)

My, bring up some stuff--
and by the way,

if you're uncomfortable,
if you feel that,

know that
that's for a reason, right?

That's why-- that's why
they won't air this show live.

They won't stream this
on the radio right now.

And why do you think?
'Cause people will be driving.

"Oh, here's my light."
They hear my voice.

"I have a choice in life?"
Veer off the road.

(laughter)

A lot's at risk. Heh!

There are cameras,
but also... there are cameras.

(laughter)

They're watching.

I am always pretty sure I'm
being surveilled in bathrooms,

so I will just be like,
"I know!"

(laughter)

It helps, 'cause I want
the person surveilling me

to be like, "She sees!"

You know, I want--
I want to feel that.

I want to feel it.

I want to feel that.
If that-- it that's a crime,

then take me back
to the bishop's ranch.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

Ohh! I want to go back
to the bishop's ranch.

Huge theme emerging about
the bishop's ranch.

Um...

Incredible to feel that,
and then touch it

with that authentically and to
know that's where I belong.

It's something that
I couldn't have planned,

and that's why I'm so excited
to actually present to you,

we have the bishop.
Come on out!

(laughter)

Yeah.

In editing, that'll be...
(whispers) huge.

(chuckles) 'Cause we're
gonna CGI the bishop,

and "Oh, my God!"
The people at home? "Oh-ho-ho!"

Yeah. Sorry.
I want money, okay?

And people love the bishop.
Okay, okay!

Wrap it up.
(pops tongue) Okay.

Ohh!

(Kate sighs)

I'll say therapy,
get in it now, you know?

Is my therapist here?
Christina?

(laughter)

'Cause you never know.
Okay, wow.

So you're not curious
what I do.

Yeah, I was just like,
okay, okay.

When people say they're
not in therapy, I'm like...

you can't do
karaoke forever.

You know, you have to--

Oh, no.

Your friends and family see
what karaoke has become for you.

So...

(laughter)

Uh, sex.

Um...

I don't know.
I'm not convinced.

I'd say.
Like, does it even

have the power
to transform the day?

I don't know.
I just--

Not to brag,
but I probably had

the best sex
of my life recently,

and like an hour
and a half later

I was furious
at Bank of America.

Like I don't...

Even the day, you know,
couldn't be changed, so...

And I also, I do not
appreciate the myth

brutally propagated by media

that sex is the one time
in your life

where you're able
to finally shed

the prison of your personality.

That that's when your mask

finally drops.

I find that during sex
my mask has never been tighter.

Like it's absolutely...

And trust me, I've tried
to like-- (grunts)

You know?

(laughter)

You know, I've tried, but it's
never so much as slipped.

I mean, it's really... Ugh.

I actually think
that the only time

that we're truly released from
the prison of our personality,

the only time
that our mask actually drops,

is when we barf.
I really think that's it.

'Cause just the rawness,
the animalism,

that's the only time
in your life

when your-- your taste in art,
your funny outgoing voicemail,

right, your grant money,
is irrelevant.

It's not there.
It's just about that.

(laughter)

It's also the only time
in modern life

when you aren't being
advertised to.

That's it.

And trust me,
they'll find a way.

Oh, they'll get in there.

They'll get in your toilet
if they have to.

(laughter)

Hmm. Oh, I love your laughs.
Ohh, I love this moment!

Ohh!

Really, though, when I hear--
I hear kids.

I hear little kids
going, "Where's my dad?"

Right, I mean...

Really, though. Sometimes
I'm up here and I'm like,

"Where are our dads?"
Like, this is crazy.

Did you know that
you're born with your eggs?

I'll go back.

If you're...

If you're someone who has eggs,
you're born with them.

It's not like they developed
during puberty.

Can anyone confirm?
This really blew my mind.

Yeah. So what does this mean?

This means that your mother,
the day she was born,

you were already inside her.

The potential for you
was already there.

Can you go that far? Yeah.

Crying, crying, crying,
crying, crying.

Okay.

So, what I'm trying to say is,

we've all been marinating
in our mother's rage

since the day she was born,

and then her mother's rage,
and her mother, her mother,

on and on, okay?

We're all stewing in the rage

of all the women
who've come before us.

It's an intergenerational
tajine of rage.

And it's deserved,
I want to say that,

but it's been
very helpful for me

because I'll be
going about my day,

everything's fine,
and then out of nowhere

I'm like, "I'm gonna
break glass," you know?

And I-- I'm like, where does
that anger come from?

It doesn't feel like
it belongs to me,

and it's been
very helpful to be like,

it's actually maybe not mine.

It's my grandmother
in Spain,

like, "Aah!"

You know, that's...

That's who it belongs to.

So release.
Release thyself.

And, you know, honor it,
but push through.

I actually don't
have kids yet,

but my daughter right now
is like,

"Mom, what are you doing
up there?

I can feel it."

"Love you, sweetie.

Maybe we'll watch this together
one day with Dad."

(laughter)

You probably have read
in the news

that I've been tucking in
my blouses more.

(laughter)

Sss...

And it does feel good.
It makes me feel very together.

Like I tuck in, and immediately
I really do feel

like I have children,
like I just completely--

I feel effective. I'm like,
yes, absolutely, right here.

I have everything I need.

Immediately leaving the house
with the blouse tucked in,

I'm like there's
all these kids that are like,

"Okay, come on.
We gotta go.

"We gotta go.
We're gonna get in the car.

"Can you tell me in the car?
Can you tell me in the car?

"Okay, great.

Yeah?"
It's my husband.

"Uh... okay. I could've used
that information earlier,

I'll be honest, yeah."

(laughter)

"How can I do that now?
Uh, I'm just really asking.

How can I do that now?"

(laughter)

"No, no, I asked you,
and-- and I remember

"'cause I asked you yesterday.

"No, I know that you said no,
but now you're saying yes.

"Okay, yeah, okay.

"Okay, say bye to Daddy.
Say bye to Daddy.

"Yeah. Oh, hi.

Yeah, okay,
I'll call you later. Bye."

That's the woman
who lives next-door

who I feel more connected to
than my own husband.

(laughter)

(sighs)

All of that, all of that
with just imagination.

Can you believe it?
I want you out of your seats.

Okay.

I have no texts.
Not possible, actually.

[Kate] Uh-oh. Remember her?

(laughter)

You know what that means.
Yeah.

We're in the final
quadrant of the show.

(scattered laughter)

Isn't that heartbreaking? Mm.

Oh! (chuckles)

(laughter)

I'm actually a huge gear nerd,

so I usually bring
my own mic,

'cause I love to be like...

(laughter)

It's good!

We're set.
We're set. Okay.

Life, like this show,
is cinnamon in the wind.

It's just-- whoosh!
You know, it's gone.

And... you're just there
left cursing the air like,

"There was spice here once."
You know, it's...

(laughter)

That's all it is.
It's...

(exhales) It's hard to admit,
but, you know,

life is short.
I-- I like that.

Life is short, life is short.

Write that down.
Okay, we'll, we're filming,

so that's fine.

"Honey?"
Shh, my husband.

"Babe... write down
'Life is short'."

(laughter)

"Life is short.
I'm just thinking here.

"Uh, live out loud.
I like that.

Write that down."

Okay.
He's jealous of what I do.

(laughter)

Hmm-hmm.

Um... yeah, but it's true

that this could really be--
Oh, no, not again. Right.

No, but this really is me
wrapping up formally.

Um, people close to me know
I hate to leave the stage,

so this will not go well,
I just want to tell you now.

(laughter)

It's not gonna-- it's not
gonna be a smooth one,

but we'll get you--
we'll land you there, okay?

We'll land you in Des Moines.

It's funny.
Someone here tonight

has the exact laugh
of somebody who deceived me,

and it's really...

(laughter)

Huh.

Now you're quiet, right?

Typical.

You do all look gorgeous,
though, I have to say.

When we started this show,
you were all like this,

"Oh, the mortgage,
the mortgage." Right?

And now you're so relaxed.
You're so open.

"The mortgage, the mortgage."
You know?

And it is special--

Oh, my God--
I'm so sorry. Hello?

Yeah!

I'm at work. Why?

(laughter)

Okay.

Um... like 30 minutes, yeah.

Oh, it's going really well.
Yeah, it's going well.

Ohh, how is she?

I said, "Ohh, how is she?"

(laughter)

Uh-huh.

Oh, she not find it?
Shit. Okay.

Tell her to look under
the bed, yeah. Okay.

Okay, okay, great.
Um, oh, I gotta go,

but, um... okay, perfect.

I love you, too.
Okay.

Bye.

-(exhales)
-(laughter)

Oh, my God.
No, I'm sorry.

That's... so rude.

First of all, I never wanted
to be one of those comedians

who took a call onstage.

That is crazy, crazy rude,

but there's this guy
I've been seeing for a while,

and he just like told me
he loved me,

so right now I'm just
like, oh, my God.

So, I-- immediately, the walls.
Isn't that funny?

Immediately. "Oh, God,
now I can't trust," but it's--

(laughter)

I actually-- we do have
that solid foundation of trust

because he is my lawyer,
so I feel like there is...

we have that, you know?

But... hmm!

I'm just laughing
thinking about

how fulfilling
my private life is.

It's just crazy.
I just--

And this is amazing.
Like, I love being able

to do this
and connect like this,

but then I go home to my boys,
and it's just very--

I have seven sons, um...

They are 4, 6, 2, 8, 9,
12, and two days.

(chuckles)
So I have a lot on my hands.

I-- Yeah, so I have to
go home, but, um...

Oh, what-- I can't think about
my family for a minute?

Okay, sorry, whoa!
Okay!

No, I'll get back on schedule
for sure.

Jesus Christ!

In case anyone cares, this whole
night has been hell for me.

Okay?
In case anyone cares!

Since the very beginning.
Tick tock! Right?

"Get to the point, bitch!"
Right?

(laughter)

I've felt that from you,
so don't worry.

I'll be on my way,
and you can go back

to your perfect life
without me.

Jesus Christ.

By the way, I'll just say,
like, you paid to see me,

but I'm the weirdo.
Okay, got it!

Yeah, all of you
staring at me,

but I'm the one
who has a screw loose.

Got it. Sure.

Okay.

No, I'm being--
It's not cool

to, like, yell at you.

It's... (exhales)

I'm, um, sad to leave,

because until tonight, I--

I didn't know
what a family was.

(laughter)

No, I'm serious.
I had always seen in...

books and... TV movie,
things like that.

I always saw this family,
I always saw

these happy people smiling,
and I was always

banging on the glass
like this.

"Let me in, let me in!"

And I never could get in,
and, um...

I guess tonight
for the first time

I actually kind of felt like
I was sitting

at the dining room table
with everyone.

So, um, that's why it's
hard for me to leave,

but I have to leave...
I have to get back, um...

I'm selling tank tops
and stuff outside, so...

So I have to get back
to that, but, um...

all good things
must end, right?

"Write that down, babe!
That's good, but..."

But I'm gonna put on
a happy face...

and we're gonna get on
with the show, right?

Because it is a show, and
there's so much pressure on me.

And don't-- just--
just don't forget that tonight.

Goodbye.
(laughs) No, okay!

(laughter)

Ohh.

Ahh. Come on!

I have to leave?

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Okay. I actually have to--

I'm slashing material.
That's what I'm doing right now.

It's really hard.
I'm slashing.

I'm slashing the good stuff.
I had this--

I did have
this incredible closer.

It was like... Mmm!

You know, it was like
really creamy

and like brought together
all these different little--

little variations
on the show.

It was like
all the different threads

of the show into this one
finely woven tapestry.

"Here!" You know?

But... time.
I just can't. Heh.

Also, closers are gauche.

I'm like, "Oh, oh, I'm real--
here's my big closer."

You know, it's like-- uhh.
You know, it's cheap.

(chuckles)
It's cheap!

And I don't want to belittle
what we have with material.

Like, blah!
You know?

Are we on a cruise?
You know? Jesus.

No, I'm-- I am like...

delaying leaving.

There is something
I, like, don't--

I've been, like,
putting off saying.

I'm just gonna, like, rip off
the Band-Aid and say it.

Um... mm!
Why is this hard?

Oh-kay.
My name is not Kate Berlant.

(laughter)

(chuckles)
And I'm not a comedian.

Um... my name is Megan
"redacted for my privacy."

Um... but I'm actually
the chief research analyst

of Behavioral Science
at Cornell University,

and this has been incredible.

I've been living as Kate

for longer
than I'd like to admit,

studying the relationship
between audience and performer.

Things like that,
but tonight, uh, it's over.

This was kind
of my magnum opus,

was to perform as her
for an hour.

I can't believe
so many people fell for it,

but this is my night
to sort of shed her,

and it's been--
it's been amazing,

but I do want to go back
to my roots,

my real passion,
which is irrigation.

And... yeah, just rerouting
water systems,

the bureaucracy of water,
stuff like that,

I really want to get into.

Uh, so, yeah,
I'm gonna shed Kate tonight,

and with that...

Good night! That's not it,
but can you imagine?

(laughter)

-No.
-(scattered applause)

Not gonna end on that,
but, uh...

But, yeah, okay.

Ohh! The chili sale.
The-- Okay.

I'm selling chili.
Uh...

(laughter)

I couldn't send you home
with nothing.

There is a chili sale
happening, um, out front.

There are three crocks.

They're Mild, Medium,
and "Oh No She Didn't."

It's kind of three different--

And we encourage you
to layer the chilis, right?

Have fun with it.
They're 3.99, yeah, uh, a cup.

And please, please buy it.

Know that
all the proceeds go.

-(laughter)
-Um...

So-- so that's great.

(clears throat)

Well, this has been explosive.
Your words, not mine.

But, um...
yeah, it really is time.

I have to say when I first
got here tonight...

I didn't know what to expect.
I was like,

Will the spirit
be with me, right?

Will tonight be a night
I just go home,

open up the Uber app,
and watch the cars go?

-You know, is that...
-(laughter)

See, right there
I could've left.

That would have been good.

That would have been
professional, in fact.

Okay, should we do
house lights up?

I don't know--
Here's what's so crazy.

Here's--
here's my dirty secret.

The show's over.

No, but it reall--
it ended-- Yeah, see--

By the way,
look how casual I am.

(laughter)

(taps on microphone)

Is this thing--
No, you know.

"Where wasn't I?"
That's the name of the show.

-But...
-(gentle music)

Yeah, that's
the kind of casual kind of...

(laughter)

Oh, my water.

Wait, there's a camera here?

♪♪♪

Oh, no.

Damn it.

I wanted to do this,
and that, and the other thing.

(indistinct)

(music continues)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪