Original subtitles

- Previously on "Resident Alien"...

- How long do you think I have?

- Do you like Christmas? - Yes, very much.

- Celebrate it before June.

- My birthday's coming up.

I was wondering if you might want to do something that day.

- I would love that.

- Pick me up at the diner at 1:00?

The baby hatched.

- What the...?

- It's a stupid kiss. Who cares?

D'arcy was drunk and sad. Big surprise.

- Maybe you should learn to talk to Ben

about your feelings instead of stuffing them

inside a 90-mile vertical treadmill run.

- Hello, Harry.

Our people are not coming to kill everyone.

There is an alien race that's planning

to take over the Earth. They are...

- Whoa.

- I should have never made you kill Sam Hodges.

- You shot me.

- I should have just taken care of it myself.

- I just wanna forget the whole thing.

- I can erase all of her memories

of that night for her, and she will be happy again.

She will forget, and everything will be okay.

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

- I'm tired. I wanna go home.

- Shush now.

Mama said not to come home until we fetch some dinner.

- Bobby! Wait for me.

Bobby!

Bobby, where are you?

Bobby? Bobby?

- Bobby? - Bobby!

- Bobby? - Where are you, Bobby?

- Bobby! - Bobby?

- Who is in my house?

Max, if that is you and your criminal wife,

I will be very angry.

- Good morning. - You are not a little child.

- I made coffee.

Hey, I think we should check on the alien egg.

I'm a little worried that the noise from the party

might have woken it up or something.

- The memory replacement I did on her worked well.

She does not remember that the alien baby escaped.

She also forgot how to make coffee.

This tastes like dirt stew.

Do not worry about the baby.

It is in the bunker in its shell

and definitely not somewhere else who-knows-where.

- That's a relief.

I will take good news wherever I can get it these days.

- A smile?

I like smiley Asta much more than the sad, sobby Asta

I saw last night.

I have some more good news for you to smile to.

- Okay.

- I was in the bunker and definitely nowhere else,

checking on the baby,

and it gave me a message telepathically.

My people are no longer coming to destroy mankind.

- What? How does it even know that?

- Goliath passed the message to me through the alien.

I do not even know how he did it.

It was so weird.

You no longer have to ever make me feel uncomfortable

with your sadness again.

- They're really not coming?

- Mm. - You're serious?

- No, I'm not serious. I'm smiling.

- Harry.

Oh, Harry,

this is the best news I've ever heard in my life.

Oh, wow. I'm so happy.

Wait, wait. Did it say anything else?

- Yes, there is another evil alien race on Earth

that will probably kill us all.

No, it did not, just the good stuff.

Happy Asta.

- Finally, after everything, it's over?

We're safe.

- No, the Earth is doomed, but at least

I do not have to clean crying snot off your face.

I have completed a full autopsy on the victim,

Tanner Corrington.

My initial theory after you found

the shell casing in the woods

was that the crime was committed with a rifle

where the murderer

was standing over the county line

in Patience.

- Mm, wild speculation. Continue.

- The chest wound shows no sign of soiling or tattooing

proving that the gun was fired mid to far range.

My official findings

are consistent with my initial theory.

I was right, and now I'm more right.

- Yeah, well, Patience shooter means Patience murder.

- Mm, objection. - Overruled.

- Sustained. - It's not a trial.

It's an autopsy.

- Yes, but how can we really know

what happens based on a dead body?

- The autopsy.

- That hole could be from anything.

Hey, you want close range? I'll give you close range.

A Jessup murderer lights a firecracker,

pressed it in the guy's chest.

Bam, dead guy, killer with three fingers.

We are looking

for a three-fingered Jessup resident,

maybe someone who works at the gas station.

I think piano teachers are out.

So look into that. Let me know what you find.

- This man is more annoying than his son.

- This all seems very thorough, Doctor.

Thank you.

Looks like we're partners on this one.

- I want this dead thing gone.

Every time I look at it,

I'm reminded that if the bullet

that hit me was a few inches lower...

- Why do you scream like my mother?

- It was not a scream. It was a sneeze.

Ha-ha-choo!

I have a very thin larynx.

- Here's your schedule.

Also, Gerard Hundemer needs you to do a house call

to bring him pain medication.

- He's dying. I do not want to go.

It is depressing. Cancel.

- You're joking, right?

- Of course I'm joking. Ha-ha-ha.

Reschedule it till after he is dead.

- Also, you need to sign this to release the body.

- I will be happy when this annoying lump of skin is gone.

- The funeral home is shipping it back

to New York this afternoon.

- I was talking about you.

- I suggest you don't leave food in the fridge.

- No, you will leave my yogurt alone.

Oh, ew.

- Hello.

Choo.

- Bless you? - What are you doing in here?

This is not your home.

- Well, I was in the kitchen,

but they're out of those yogurts I like, so...

- Those are my yogurts. - Is Asta around?

I haven't heard from her.

- I forgot about Asta's friendship with Raggedy Ann.

I cannot have her remind Asta she is a killer.

Asta has the day off.

If you see her, do not mention...

the "incident." - What incident?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- The murder.

- I know what you're talking about.

- You said you did not know what I was talking about.

- Because I don't wanna talk about it.

- I do not want to talk about it.

I do not even care.

- You're in denial. - I am not in denial.

- So you're in denial about being in denial?

- Yes. No. I deny denying it.

- Yeah, I just...

What made somebody wanna kill you,

Harry Vanderspeigle?

You say it's 'cause you figured out

who killed Sam Hodges.

Are you sure it's not something else?

- Your breath smells like corn and kerosene.

- I would do anything for Asta,

so if you've dragged her

into something that's gonna hurt her,

I might just have to kill you myself.

You know what I'm talking about?

- Help. Help!

I need help. Something bit me.

- Ellen, I need a large bandage

and those three yogurts you stole.

- You have no proof.

- What did this?

- They'll say I'm crazy,

but I think it was a chupacabra.

A tiny monster. It attacked my cows.

- It ate them?

- No. It milked them.

12 of my poor girls have damaged teats.

What am I gonna do?

I have 35 dairy cows filled with milk.

- Yum. - What?

- What?

With that many milk sacks to drain,

the alien baby will go back for more.

- Here it is.

- Ellen, please bandage the milk farmer.

I have an emergency.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Great party the other night. Wait, were you there?

- I'm sorry I said what I said.

- Don't be. It's all true.

What I did... sucked.

I was truly an asshole.

- Look, Ben and I have things to work out, obviously,

and, you know, if he can't talk to me,

then he and I will deal with that,

but I just wish he would've told me.

- I should have.

I... you have every right to be pissed.

- I've lived here a long time,

and I still... I still don't really know anybody.

So when you and I started hanging out, it was nice...

Not feeling so alone.

- It's nice having someone else here with athletic trophies

gathering dust on a shelf.

- Mine are in a box, but...

Need someone to spot you?

- Need someone make fun of you when you run?

- Weirdly, that's exactly what I need.

- I love cows.

Humans could live on a plant-only diet,

but they are too selfish.

They choose to feed off these wonderful animals

instead of just letting them live their lives.

I must wait here as long as it takes

for the baby to return and feed.

Otherwise, it may take human form,

and I may never find it.

- Get outta here! Go on, go on!

I'm gonna teach you a lesson, you nasty, little devil.

You leave my cows alone. You hear me?

- I've got good news.

- The only news I want to hear is that you gonna stop clapping

your bony, porcelain hands before they trigger a migraine.

- Just regular hands.

Uh, so the resort company

has officially put an offer on the Grady land.

It's great news for you and your department.

You know, more tourism money means you can hire more people,

you know, more equipment.

- Hmm, and why do I think

there's a "the only thing is" attached to this?

- I'm just giving you the good news.

You know, the only th...

There is one factor to consider.

If the resort people hear that Patience is involved

in another murder, they may go somewhere else.

- I see.

- So I was thinking maybe you could take a back seat

and let Jessup take the reins on this investigation.

- When have you ever seen me take a backseat?

I don't even sit in the backseat of a car.

If I hail a cab, I sit shotgun, or I drive.

- Look, just...

Just think about it, please.

Look, I... I need this.

I need something to go right. - Ah.

So now we're getting around to what this is really about.

So you're having some trouble at home?

- What? No.

Everything's... Everything's fine.

- You know I'm the town sheriff, right?

Which means 100% of my job is being a therapist.

- That percentage seems high.

- It's not. If anything, it's low.

Look, I went through some things a while back

that I didn't deal with,

and sometimes you gotta face life head on.

You know, you can't run away from your problems.

They come back, and they'll eat you alive.

You understand?

- Yeah. I know that.

I...

It's just hard to talk to her sometimes.

- Well, I get it.

When it comes to talking to 'em,

you gotta treat women like they in the cartel, right?

You wanna have a conversation? You take 'em to a public place.

That way you don't have to worry about them murdering you.

- So you think Kate wants to murder me?

- Based on the fight at the party,

I put the odds at, like,

I don't know, 35%.

- Seems high.

- You got life insurance?

'Cause that'll push it up to, like, 60.

- What is happening to my body?

My mouth is dry. I cannot breathe.

My heart feels like it will explode.

This is fear of death.

I am not ready to die.

- Yo, stinky, can I get two more?

- Hey, speed it up on those beers, skank.

- My God. Brenda is so annoying.

She, like, follows me everywhere.

- I really cannot imagine what that feels like.

- Oh, well, it feels like

she's obsessed with me, you know?

And she's not like... You know, like us.

- Whoo-hoo, yeah!

- Yeah, we get it, Brenda. You're playing pool.

- Oh, my God. Where have you been?

I've been trying to call you all day.

- Sorry.

Harry gave me the day off,

so I ditched my phone, and I hiked the mountain loop,

and now I've come in to spread the joy.

- Yeah!

- What's new with you?

- Besides the date last night.

- Date? With who?

Hot baseball guy?

- Um, braindead, yeah.

We talked about it yesterday, like, literally right here.

- Really? Okay, I'm sorry.

I spaced or something. How'd it go?

- He might be pretty great. I don't know.

Ah, ah. - Oh!

Stop it. It was the best date.

- Yeah, I'll let him take me out again.

- Yeah, see? So stop it.

Stop being insecure. You're amazing.

And you're gonna go out with him again.

Ah, I don't know why.

I just have a really good feeling about this.

- You're smiling so big, it's kind of creeping me out.

- Ah! - Oh!

- You okay?

That's just Judy and Judy's Judy playing pool.

- Uh, yeah. I...

No, I'm fine.

I think I'm just tired from the hike.

- Couple out-of-towners rented the boat

three days ago, paid cash.

Someone found it this morning

floating on the other side of the lake.

- You have any idea where they was from?

- I don't know.

Fake accents, gold chains. Maybe New York.

- Manhattan, or Long island? New Jersey?

Like, "Hey, Joey,

Let's head down the shore and rent a boat."

You know, just a couple shoobies

chowin' hoagies, floatin', listening to the Boss.

- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to pinpoint them, sir.

- Please don't, all right?

It's making a very uncomfortable.

- New Jersey sounds about right.

- New Jersey.

- Is there a reason you didn't call me?

- I'm sorry. We lab partners now?

Now I'm supposed to fill you in on all my cases?

- See that van over there?

Matches the description of the vehicle

the victim entered the night he was killed.

New Jersey plates, partner.

- New Jersey.

- Hey, Jay. How are you?

- You couldn't do it, could you?

- What?

- Do you think it was easy for me to ask you

to take me out for my birthday?

- Whoa, birthday? What are you talking about?

- God, I figured that might be the one thing

that mattered to you.

I waited outside the diner

for two hours for you to pick me up.

- Okay, slow down. I don't understand.

When did you ask me to take you out?

- Harry's party. Are you kidding me right now?

- No. Jay, wait.

Jay!

Harry.

What did you do?

- I only glued the yogurt to the shelf

because someone keeps stealing it.

- You erased my memory, didn't you?

Why?

- You asked me to.

- Jay asked me to take her out for her birthday.

Me, Harry, and you erased it. Why would you do that?

- I did it for you.

You were sad. You wanted me to take it away.

- What happened? Why was I sad?

- Are you gonna write back? - No.

I mean, in a couple days. What am I, desperate?

- You're ridiculous. Text him back.

- God, who's that? - Stay right here.

- You should have just stayed in Colorado and done your job.

- You shot me. - Yeah.

Like you shot two of my guys in New York.

I should have never made you kill Sam Hodges.

I should have just taken care of it myself.

- I killed him.

- You did it to save me.

- But I killed...

a human being.

- This is why I erased your memory.

- Ooh, be careful of your case files, sir.

That crime scavenger is here.

- Well, I'd be more worried about your sandwich.

She might swoop down from her perch

and fly away with your ham.

- Good to see you're not letting murder

keep the laughter away.

- Yeah, well it's not the deputy's fault.

She finds me hysterical.

Every time I open up my mouth, she laughs.

- We're on our way to tracking down

the men from the van.

The deputy's on hold with the NYPD.

- Vincent Grillo and Joey Moretti.

Both served time. Both have ties to the mob.

Suspects in several hits. You name it, they've done it.

- How'd you ID them so quick?

- Caught the driver on a security camera,

pulled a partial print from the dash,

and then I called up some favors

at my old stomping ground at the NYPD.

- Well, well, New York cop. You didn't mention.

D.C. myself, 11 years.

- Huh. Look at us.

A couple big city cops playing in a tiny town.

- Oops, better keep an eye on my sandwich.

- You know this guy I grew up with

is a New York cop. Do you know Luis Valez?

- I haven't heard that name for years.

Luis was my trainer at the academy.

- Stop it.

You heard that, Deputy? She know Luis.

- Sorry, just checking to see if my ham is gone.

- Look, Sheriff,

I know you're not happy about sharing this case.

- Hmm. - But together we can crack it.

- You know what? I believe we can.

You know, bring a little big city perspective

to this small town tomfoolery.

- Caw, caw.

Sorry, just thought I saw a bird in here.

- I gave you your memory back. Why are you angry with me?

Killing that man was a good thing.

We are now both the same.

We are both murderers. We should start a club.

- You can't just go around erasing people's memories.

- You wanted me to it when the sheriff and the deputy

found out what I am.

- The fate of the world depended on that,

so I think that one was important.

- I think erasing your memory was important.

I do not like it when you are upset.

You get loud and blubbery.

- Yes, I was upset,

but that was my grief to deal with, not yours.

- The second I got rid of it, you were happy.

You smiled. I saw your teeth.

I didn't even know you had teeth.

- Listen to me.

Life is not just about smiling and happiness.

It's also about pain

and guilt and fear.

They're called feelings for a reason so you feel them.

- Those are bad feelings.

When I feel bad feelings,

I think about season five of "Law & Order."

I'm happy now. I'm thinking about it now.

I'm happy. - Really?

You're not freaked out at all

that you almost died that night?

- I did... I did not almost die.

I'm gonna put in the DVD and watch it now.

- No, I remember. I saw your eyes.

You are in denial, Harry. You could have died.

You were scared.

- Season five of "Law & Order,"

they introduce Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy.

I like Jack McCoy. Let's watch it together.

- What you're doing is called burying your feelings.

All humans do it.

You might not want to deal with your feelings,

but I plan on dealing with mine,

so please, please stay out of my head.

- I will watch season five by myself.

- Bobby? Bobby, is that you?

- Grandma, Bobby went missing 80 years ago.

- I know my own brother.

- It's the alien baby.

- So this is it?

- Oh, is this where I find out you're a serial killer?

- I'm more of an oatmeal guy. - Mm.

- Get it? Cause it's cereal...

- No, no, I got it.

Yeah, I'm just surprised you said it.

- So when they expanded the building site,

they found native artifacts.

My agency was brought in

to preserve and catalog what we find.

- What's with the backhoe?

- Oh, that... That's this whole dance

we're doing with the contractor who's pissed we're here,

and he parks it there so we don't expand the dig.

- Cool, so he's an asshole.

- Take a look at this... Broken pottery,

usually a good bet we're on or near a village.

Found a fire pit and some flint for tools.

I pretty much guarantee we'd find some foundations

for huts underneath that backhoe.

- Wow, did you really get

into all this because of "Indiana Jones"?

- That was more for wordplay. - Mm.

- Yeah, I wasn't raised traditionally.

For my tribe, a lot of the old ways died

with my grandmother's generation

in the boarding schools.

- Oh, sorry.

- There's something about being down in the dirt,

holding the artifacts, the physicality of it.

I feel like I'm connected

to something I thought was gone forever.

- I think it's incredible

that you're doing something important with your life.

I usually just push booze and get people wasted.

That's me.

- You can do anything. - Yeah.

I used to think that way,

but after my accident, not so much.

- Well, we are who we are because of our history,

not in spite of it.

It doesn't make it right.

Doesn't mean we're stuck, either.

Now, where are you going? - Getting you unstuck.

- You sure this is a good idea?

- That was probably

the hottest thing I've ever seen.

- Well, what can I say, you know?

You needed something moved,

and I'm just a lady who knows how to drive a backhoe.

- I think I can work with that.

- I wanna talk to you about something.

Um, yeah, I just...

Uh...

sorry, it's hard. Uh, hmm.

- Are you afraid to tell me something?

- Well, I think I'm, uh...

I think maybe I'm afraid to tell you anything.

- Wow.

That's horrible.

Do you understand how that makes me feel?

- Mm-hmm.

- Wait, is that...

Is that why you wanted to come here?

So you would have some public protection?

- No.

Yes, I...

- That's great.

- Look, it's not just you. You know me.

I'm afraid of everything, and you're technically a thing

that I love very much.

- I just can't believe that you're... you're what?

You're afraid of me?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

- You did.

It's probably the most honest thing

you've said to me in a long time.

You know what?

Um, I am not hungry anymore,

so I think I'm just gonna meet you at home.

- Well, at least there was no one here to see that.

- I saw it.

- Do you recognize either one of these men?

- Yeah, that's them.

The guy with the big head and the guy with the head.

- They were the ones in the van?

- Um, can you not? I'm talking to Mike.

So was there anything else

that you wanted to ask me about, Mikey?

- Uh, were they the men you saw in the van?

- Yes, they were.

Yes, I can comply with that information.

- Wow, Chinese food. Good timing.

I was just gonna see if there was any cheese in the fridge.

- Yeah, Lena I brought it in from Jessup.

It's actually pretty amazing. - How nice of her.

- Best Chinese food west of New York City.

- Oh, wait a minute.

D.C. is west of New York City. - Oh, hell no.

Don't even try comparing

D.C. Chinese food with New York.

- Any chance you cut this

in half with a knife, or are these teeth marks?

- She just ID'd the two guys in the van,

so I'm gonna go call my team and fill 'em in.

Ah, thank you.

- Seems like there's not a lot of food left here.

- Oh, you can have my cookie, Liv.

I just want the fortune part.

- Thanks.

- Ooh, "You will soon meet your lover."

Oh, my God, Mike, look. It's like boom.

- Looks like we're headed to Jessup.

My team just found medical records

stashed in the trunk of the victim's vehicle.

They belong to Sam Hodges.

- I think this may be the smoking gun we need.

- I got you your chef's salad to go.

Honey, I...

I didn't mean to say that I was afraid of you.

Please don't be mad.

- Actually, I'm not. It's not just you.

There are things you should have told me...

But I also know that I don't make it easy

for you to talk to me sometimes.

I never used to be this way.

- Me neither.

I mean...

Remember when we first met

and we could talk on the phone forever about nothing?

- I know.

But we've been together a long time.

Things change.

I love you, and I know that you love me.

We've got a wonderful kid and a good life

with a new baby on the way.

Maybe this is just what we are now.

Thanks for this. - Sure.

- Hello?

- Hey, what's up?

- Uh, nothing. I'm in the kitchen.

- Cool, cool.

What's the... What's the weather like there?

- What are you doing?

- You know, just haven't been able

to stop thinking about you

ever since I saw you in the living room.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Just wondering if you're a dog person or a cat person.

- I actually really like mice. - Really?

- Well, just like you can tell a lot about a person based on

who their favorite Beatle is.

- Okay, let's see. John Lennon.

- Hm, that's obvious.

You play the guitar,

and you smoke a lot of 1960s hash.

- What's hash?

- To m... from what I've read,

it's a mixture of armpit hair and dryer lint.

- Sometimes I have this dream

where I'm falling out of an airplane,

and on the way down, all I can think is,

"I'm not gonna get mileage points for this."

- Do you know we've been on the phone

for, like, three hours?

- It's felt like five minutes.

I must be falling in love with you.

I hope that doesn't, you know, scare you away.

- No, it doesn't.

- What time is it where you are?

- Where have you been?

I've been calling you on your walkie talkie.

- I lost it. - It's right there.

- Wow, thank you for finding it.

- Why does the RV smell like dirt?

And why are there extra feet in here?

- Look, I didn't wanna show you this,

but now I have no choice.

Eighty years ago, a boy went missing in Patience.

I found him.

- You found a zombie?

That's dangerous, Zombies eat brains.

- That's not dangerous for you. And it's not a zombie.

- An alien!

- The alien baby must have found Bobby Smallwood's remains

and used the DNA to take over his body.

Bad baby!

- Where are your manners?

- Why didn't you tell me you found the alien?

- Because you're Harry's puppet,

and he can't know we have the baby.

- Hey, Harry's my puppet, and I won't say anything.

I don't talk to puppets. - Good.

Because Harry is breeding these things to be evil,

but I'm going to thwart his plan

by teaching baby here to be good.

Baby, I told you not to eat your toys!

- What did you do?

Did you order all the comfort food on the menu?

My dad is afraid your heart is gonna explode.

- I asked them to fry the pie, but they wouldn't do it!

- You know what you're doing here, right?

You were shot. You're scared and confused.

And now you're using food to make yourself feel better.

- Yes, I am. It works.

Humans should do it.

- They do.

- I'm sorry I erased your memory

and ruined your lunch with Jay.

I should have let you feel your own pain.

- Life is hard...

which is why we have to deal with the hard stuff,

like the alien baby I now remember is on the loose.

- I need more fries! - No.

No more fries until you admit you're afraid to die.

- Are you afraid to die?

- Death is complicated.

That's why people don't really think about it.

Or they eat through their emotions.

- See, I'm normal. Hmm?

- No, everyone is going to die someday, and it's scary.

I know that I'm gonna die, but if I spend every second

worrying about it, then I can't live.

And part of the living is feeling it all.

The good lifts you up, and the bad knocks you down,

but you need the bad. You need those hard times.

If I can get past the bad stuff...

Missing Jay's birthday...

My mom leaving me behind,

the guy trying to kill you... It will make me stronger.

Everyone has their own relationship with death.

That's mine.

You have to figure out yours.

- Every... every morning, Elaine would wake early

and have tea ready for me before I went to work.

I'm glad she's gone.

She'd hate having to see me

in such pain.

- You will not be in any pain soon,

when you are dead.

- It will be nice to see my wife again.

- Will she be waiting for you in hell?

- No, I hope in heaven.

- Oh, I get your fairy tales mixed up.

I am afraid of death.

- Oh, you... you... You shouldn't be.

- How are you not afraid? You will be dead soon.

- Oh, no.

The things got better when I found out

that I was dying.

It reminded me that life isn't forever.

I-I began to appreciate every moment.

- Like when there is only one slice of pie left...

It tastes better.

- Exactly.

Thank you for... For doing this for me.

- My friend told me I should not run away from death.

Killing you...

is not running away.

- Thank you, Harry.

- Goodbye, Gerard.

- What is it like?

- How can it be 18 years

since I held your little body close to mine?

I'm so sorry for the way you found out

I was your mother,

but I'm also grateful that it happened

no matter how hard it was because now you know.

And sometimes the hardest things in life

create light and hope

and take you one step closer to happiness.

- Happy birthday, my beautiful Jay.

- I love you more than anything.

- Your mom.

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