All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s02e01 Ding Dong, The Bitch is Dead.eng

- Previously
on "The Ms. Pat Show"...

- So you saw my son
trying to do drugs,

and you didn't tell us?

- Well, you and Terry
were stressed enough,

so I thought
that I could handle it.

- Oh, you handled it,
all right,

by getting my best child high.

both: Hey!

- Shut up. Don't act
like y'all didn't know.

- But I didn't give her
the brownie, Pat.

- But your irresponsible ass
brought it in my house.

Get the fuck out my house.
- I'm getting the fuck out!

You ain't got to worry
about me!

- You get the fuck
out of my house.

- Fuck you!
- I'm done with you, crackhead.

- "The Ms. Pat Show"
was filmed

in front
of a live studio audience.

- Let me ask y'all something.

How many of y'all
really fuck with your family?

Like, if you wasn't related
to your mom,

how many times you be done beat
that bitch ass by now?

I don't know
if y'all know this,

but family's
the number-one reason

for high blood pressure

and stab wounds in the neck.

And I know it's hard
to let people go

who've been
in your life forever,

even when you right.

And in my case,
I was fucking right.

For instance,
Black lives matter to me,

but a lot of them niggas
in my family is debatable.

Please kill them.

- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Just give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

- ♪ I betcha ♪

♪ I make you hot
till you've had enough ♪

both: ♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Give me that stuff,
that funk, that sweet thing ♪

- Good morning, baby.
- "Good morning"?

Um, something don't look right.

- What?
- What's going on?

You holding on to that pan,

but you ain't trying
to hit nobody with it.

- I'm making breakfast
for my man.

- What man?

- You, Mr. Handsome.

- Say "fuck"
so I know it's you.

- Look, I'm just happy.

Now that Denise is gone,

I got more time
to spend with my family.

What the fuck you want?

- There she is!

- This smell good.
Is there enough for me?

Ow!
- Sure ain't.

- No free meals
till we get rent, boy.

- What? I thought breakfast
was for the whole family.

- Your family
them school shooters

who you play the video games
with all day.

- Well, if you didn't have
that fight with Aunt Denise,

maybe I'd have somebody
to split the rent with.

- Well, go find her
and split the rent with her.

- Come on, Ma, it's been
three months since she left.

Can't y'all just, like, make up
and move on?

- I have moved on.

I blocked her and Terry mama.

- You blocked your sister?

- You ain't say shit
about your mama

- My mama would never call you.

- Hello, Mother.
Hello, Father.

- Boy, don't come in here
asking for no phone,

'cause you still
on punishment, now.

- I don't need my phone.
- Mm-hmm.

- I just need $5.
- For what?

- So he can pay me
to use my phone.

- Get my purse.

- Hey, baby, you hungry?
There you go, sugar.

- Janelle,
stop pimping out your phone

before I make
your bill your ho.

- I'm telling Twitter

you don't support
Black businesses.

- Don't y'all got
a school bus to catch?

Go on and get some
book learning or something.

- Go, go, get out.
- Run along.

- We didn't even get
to eat nothing yet.

- That's what school is for.

- Dang! Bye.

- Run along.

Watch it, now.
I saw you roll your eyes.

Go on, now.

- Now that the kids is gone,

you got three minutes to spare?

- For you, baby,
I'll give you five.

- Boy, stop lying.
- Four and a half.

- Yeah, right.
- [chuckles]

- What are y'all doing back?

Don't you know
the point of school

is so kids don't exist
for eight hours?

- Auntie says
she's been trying to call.

- So have
the extended warranty people.

- She wants to talk to you, Ma.

- Terry, see what she want.
- All right, baby.

Hey, Denise.

[sad voice] Hey, Denise.

[normal voice] Yeah.

Ok--oh, oh, okay. Okay.

Um, I'm real sorry. We'll...

We'll be there.

- Why you apologizing to her?

- Um...

Pat, I don't know
how to tell you this.

- I don't give a damn
about nothing she told you.

- Your mama passed.

- Oh, my God.

- Grandma Mildred is dead?

- So sorry, baby. Can we--
- Give me a minute.

- Want me to get you
some--some water or something?

- Just give me a minute, Terry.

- All right. I'ma drop y'all
off at school, all right?

Come on.
[sighs deeply]

- Love you, Ma.

- I'm sorry, Ma.

- I'm sorry, baby.

[door closes]

- Well, Mama...

Well, Mama...

You really know
how to fuck up a good day.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Whew!
- Whew.

- Feel good to be
back in Atlanta--

holy capital of scammers
and nigga shit.

- Yeah,
right where you belong, Mama.

- Wow, look at this.

The last time
I was up in this house,

my mother-in-law drew
a gun on me

for turning off
"The Price is Right."

- Better be glad it wasn't
"The Young and the Restless."

She would've shot your ass.
- Well...

- It still smells like Grandma
in here.

- Yeah.
Hennessy and hatred.

- Oh, snap.

I used to love
this "Sanford and Son" couch.

- Yeah,
that stain right there's

where I went into labor
with Ashley.

- This whole place looks like
1985 killed itself.

- It did. My Uncle Squirrel
died right there--

maybe where you sitting at.

- You know what?
I'ma just stand.

- Hey, how did
Uncle Squirrel die?

- He choked on some
government peanut butter.

He forgot to put it
in the oven.

- Kids, get back here, please!
- What in the hell?

- Mr. Grazer?
- Oh, hey, you guys.

- Janelle, what is
your debate teacher doing here?

- That's
Auntie's boyfriend, Lee.

- And she talks
about my Black card.

- I hope you don't mind.
Denise brought me with her.

She moved into my place
after your little squabble.

- Giving my kids drugs
is not a little squabble.

It's a felony.
- Are you sure?

- Trust me, I know felonies.

And who kids are those?

- Well, we know
they're not mine.

The little one has my phone
and won't give it back.

- Where y'all going?
- Hey.

What is wrong with you kids?

Hey, look, don't y'all
want some candy?

Look, look, look, look, candy.

That old-ass butterscotch
will kill they asses.

- Auntie!
- Oh, hi, baby!

Oh, my babies.

- Hey, D.
- Goodness.

Man, damn,
I really missed y'all.

- For real.
- Patricia.

- Denise-a-ka.

- So what's it been,
about a year?

- Three months.
- Yeah, right? About a year.

Oh, look, I got some shirts.

You guys got to put them on.

Um, they say...

"rest in peace, Mama.

Like Mary J. Blige,
there's no more drama."

Isn't it nice?
- I'm so proud of her.

I think the shirts
are fantastic.

And, uh, we even had one made
for the dog.

- [laughs] Yeah, we got a dog.

You know how couples do.

- I'll take one.
- Uh, yeah, me too.

- You got a extra large?

- Let me get
one of them two Xs.

You want one, Pat?

- I'm not wearing
that bullshit.

- Well, that's okay, Pat,

because I had a conversation
with God,

and I asked Him
to change your heart.

But I guess
He couldn't get to it

'cause your arteries
is clogged.

- You been praying, Denise?

That's good.
- Oh, thanks, T.

You know, after your wife
threw me out on the street

and I became homeless--
- You always been homeless.

- I had a talk with God,

and God reminded me that
I always got a home with Him.

- Let's see what happen
when you give His son weed.

- Well, God always loved
the burning bush.

And He will not throw
me out, Pat.

I been baptized.
- God don't give a fuck.

- Denise, you ready?

I still got a few more people
I got to--

Oh, is that Rabbit over there?

- It's Pat. And what
is Blowpop the pimp doing here?

- Blowpop the pimp?

- Yeah, we used to sell
coochie and crack

on the same damn corner.
- Name's Curtis.

And I am the proud owner
of Heavenly Lay Funeral Homes.

[chuckles]

In case you know
any niggas got cancer...

- And he's giving us
a good rate on Mama's service.

- We call it
"the Heavenly Hookup."

You see, at Heavenly Lay,

we make your loved ones
look so good,

they should've went to hell.

- That's a long flight
from hos to widows.

- How about we go
into the kitchen

and look at the options
that he laid out for Mama?

- After y'all.

- Go on, Blowpop.

You ain't walking behind me,
nigga--I don't trust you.

- I want to thank you both
for entrusting me

with such an important moment.

I know you both only want
the best of the best

for your mother.

- The best of whatever
her insurance gonna cover.

- For sure!

Let's start off
with the premium packages.

[chuckles]
This option comes fully loaded

with a hand-stitched
satin lining

and a memory-foam head lift
for comfort.

Shoot, we even throw
a custom mirror in that baby.

- What the fuck she need
with a mirror?

She ain't getting no dick
where she going.

- Well, I think
it's really beautiful,

and I think she would love it.

- And on the next page,
we got velvet--

- Velvet? This must be
the rich dead nigga book.

Where the broke
dead nigga book at?

- Here.

- Yep, we'll take this plain
box with the polyester lining.

- Do you have to shit
on everything I do?

- I don't have to shit
on everything you do.

Everything you do is shit.

- Curtis, I think--

Ooh, shit, Curtis,
this is nice.

This is real soft.
Pat, did you feel that?

- That's 100% chinchilla.

- Nigga,
that is baby doll hair.

We'll take the polyester.

Get that shit away from me
before it fuck up my allergies.

- Really, Pat?

Our mama is dead and gone,

and you're still trying
to punish her.

You can't let nothing go,
can you?

- I let you go, didn't I?

- Of course you did, Pat,

because you don't care
about nobody but yourself.

You can't even bury our mama
for thinking about money.

- Of course I'm thinking
about money, 'cause I'm the one

that's gonna end up paying
for all of this shit.

- Well, she didn't have
nothing in life, Pat.

The least we could do
is give her something in death.

- I'm not buying no memory foam
for no woman

that ain't gonna have
no more memories.

- Ain't nobody asked you
to pay for nothing--I got this.

- Oh, you got this?
- Yes.

- With this fake-ass
funeral home man

sitting here trying to sell
a dead person a mirror?

He trying to rob us.

- Well, I'm heading on out.

But y'all remember this...

if you don't pay
the right rates,

your mama won't make it
to the pearly gates.

- Look at this shit
you done got us into.

- No, you done made
this man leave.

- Do you realize
how stupid you been?

[all shouting indistinctly]

- Hey, hey!

Put this mess to the side
so you can do this funeral!

Now, aren't you two tired
of fighting each other?

- What I'm tired of is that wig
on her damn head.

- Oh, well, speaking of wigs,

I know that ain't mine
on your head.

- I would never wear
your unicorn-ass wig.

- Then why are the tips pink?

- This is my wig.

But we all know
that you like pink tips.

- No, keep me out of this.

- Bitch,
you dyed my fucking wig,

and that's why you ain't
sent them back.

- You better get this bitch.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, look, look, now,

can we just--just please focus

on burying your mother
for the funeral?

Now, come on--
[children screaming]

Who in the hell kids are these?

Come here. Sit down in there.
Come here.

- Where did Mildred
keep the melatonin?

- Melatonin don't work
on crack babies.

You better mix that shit
with Hpnotiq.

- Yo, Look at Grandma
and Aunt Gwen in this picture.

- Ah, Grandma was so beautiful.

- Yeah, so was her sister.

You know, this explains a lot
about my fine self

but raises so many questions
about how y'all look.

- Actually,
your theory's wrong.

See, girls tell me
that if I work out and, uh...

[sniffs]
You know, get my money up

that they'll think
about it, so...

- Doesn't it feel like
so much history gets lost

whenever a matriarch dies?

- Some shit is better off lost.

Why you keep following me?

- 'Cause I'm to make sure
you don't take

none of Mama's stuff
like you took my wig.

- I can take my mama's stuff if
I want to take my mama's stuff.

It's my damn mama.

- And what are y'all doing?
You working for her?

- It's her show.
We just on it.

- We're looking for pictures
for the obituary.

- It's crazy that she's gone.

I mean, do we know
what happened to her?

- Well, the neighbor told me
she had a heart attack

in the backyard.

- I didn't know she had
a heart to attack.

- Are those bullet holes?

- Yeah, but she only shot at us

when she didn't take
her medicine.

- Well, what kind of medicine
did she take?

- I don't know.
She ain't never take it.

- Sounds like y'all had
a pretty good childhood.

- Yep, it was definitely
a childhood.

- More like child-in-the-hood.

- [grunts]
Can somebody please help me?

- Y'all, get them kids
off that white man

before they catch a case.

- All right, you grab
the bald one--I got Buckwheat.

- You know, Pat,
being in Mama's house

has really made me think.

I had Mama worrying
a lot about me

when I was doing drugs
all those years.

It's really important to me
that I make it up to her

with this funeral.

- You know what?

If you want to spend a fortune
on Mama funeral,

go right ahead.
- Really?

- Yeah, if you think
you can handle it.

- Oh, I can handle it.

- But you can't ask me
for nothing.

- Nothing, nothing.
I got this.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Pat.

- [sighs]

- What's wrong?

- It's kind of weird
being back here,

knowing that I'm never gonna
hear Mama voice calling me

"a dumb bitch" again.

- Yeah.

But if you need me to call you
that for old time's--

- Try it and die.

[soft organ music playing]

♪ ♪

- What the hell is going on?

- Is this the right place?

- Those my favorite mourners?

- Blowpop, what type
of BBL burial bullshit is this?

I knew you was still pimping.

- No, Rabbit, this is a funeral
for one of my old hos--Pumpkin.

It's tragic.

She was working--
at the strip club--

and she slipped
on some chicken-wing grease

in the kitchen, and she fell
and broke her fingers

and her neck in three places.

- Oh, my God.

- Lot of folks gonna miss
that neck.

- I can imagine.
- Don't imagine.

This ain't Sesame Street.

- Look, look, don't y'all worry
nothing about that,

because they might be
right next to y'all,

but they will not disturb
your service,

I can guarantee you that.

Now, are you ready
to see your mother's space?

- Sure.

[camera shutter clicking]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

- This casket got everything
but rims.

- Uh, how are we affording
all of this?

- We're not.
Apparently Denise is.

- Hey, everybody.

- Ashley's here!

- Hey, sissy.
Good to see y'all.

- Is that a Newport
and Hennessey wreath?

- That is incredibly ratchet,
but I approve.

My granny loved her
some Hennessey.

- Who is this?

- This is
my girlfriend, Tanika.

Remember?
I told you about her.

- Hi.

Now's not the time
to be introducing us

to your new stamp.

- How is she a stamp?

- Ain't this the bitch
you be licking?

- You need to tell your mama

people don't lick stamps
no more.

She need to upgrade
her homophobia.

- Tell Lena Waithe
I heard her.

- Hi, Tanika.

I'm Terry.
This is Pat.

Ashley's told us all about you.

- She's warned me
about y'all, too.

Mm-hmm.

[children screaming]

- I thought we left
them niggas at the house.

- Y'all get your ass--

Kids! Stop all that damn
running around.

Mildred trying to sleep.

- Trina, them your badass kids?
- Yeah. [chuckles]

But they not bad.
They just, you know...

- Demons.

Why you leave them
at the house?

Mama was dead.
- Shh!

They don't know that.

- And you mean to tell me
you couldn't change out

of your Waffle House uniform
before coming to a funeral?

- Oh, this? This just
the darkest outfit I got.

So how you been
since you moved to Indiana?

Your mama told me y'all live
with white people.

- We don't live
with white people.

They're our neighbors.

- Well, y'all got room for us?

- Hell, no.
I don't need no more kids.

- But my kids need
a nice environment

to grow up in, too, you know.

- You better take them niggas
to a dog park.

- Oh!

You mean.

You ain't got
your mama's heart.

Now, she was always good
about helping me with my kids.

And all I had to do was pay her
in Hennessy and...

[crying] Newports.

I'm sorr--

You know, I was the one
that found her.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Um, what happened?

- So she was having
hot flashes,

and she went to the window
to cool off,

and then I guess
her behind started sweating,

and she just fell out
and hit the ground.

- I thought she died
from a heart attack.

- Oh, no, girl, that's just
what I told the neighbors.

[chuckles]

And she had just asked me

to pay the light bill
that morning, too.

But I guess now I can just keep
that little $150,

'cause I got three kids.

You know, I need my money.

Hey! You! Come sit down.

- Sit down. Sit down.

- I don't know
how you afforded all of this.

- Well, I had to cut
the praise dances,

but I made it work.

- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.

I did Mama proud.

- Before we get started,
I'd like to take a moment aside

before we send Ms. Mildred
on home.

- Mildred?

This ain't Pumpkin funeral?
- Pumpkin next door.

- Oh, shit.
- We got ourselves--

- We sorry.

- Okay, as y'all know,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the life of one
Ms. Mildred Anne Ford...

[cell phone chimes]
Who is survived

by her two beautiful daughters.

One of whom has
a declined credit card.

Services will resume
once payment has cleared.

Lacrecia!

- I knew you couldn't afford
all this shit.

- Well, damn, when did they
start charging cards

on the same day?

- I hope you got
your prayer pillow ready,

because, knowing Blowpop,

you about to get on your knees
to fix this one.

- You know what?
Go to hell, Pat.

- No. Send me somewhere
you ain't going,

you fake-ass Christian.

- Oh, I bet you I put
my fake-ass Christian--

- You always fucking up.
I tried to tell you--

[both shouting indistinctly]

- Hey, hey!
Y'all stop all that fussing.

I heard you all the way
in the parking lot.

Today ain't the day
to be acting like yourselves.

- Hey, Aunt Gwen,
I thought you wasn't coming.

- What made you say that?

- Well, you didn't answer
your phone.

What was I supposed to think?

- That I didn't want
to talk to you.

Now, what the hell's going on?

- Pat trying
to make me look stupid.

- That ain't hard to do.

- Aunt Gwen, she--
she threw me out of the house.

She stole my wigs.

And now she don't even want
to pay for Mama's funeral.

- Ain't nobody ask
for all of this shit!

I mean stuff.

- I asked for it.

She thought everything
I did was wrong.

Why can't you let me do
something right for once?

- 'Cause she fuck up
everything!

I mean screwed up.

- Life ain't but a blink.

And y'all two broads
out here fussing?

I ain't seen my sister
in damn near 20 years.

And the first time I see her,
she laying in a box.

Where is the box?

- Ask Denise.

- I said they wasn't supposed
to run the card yet.

- Fine, fine.

Hey, come, please.
Take this card.

My sister owes me
thousands of dollars,

but I'm gonna be
the bigger person

and pay for the thing myself

so I can show my grown nieces
how to behave.

I ain't been talking to your
mother since we had a fight

about something
I can't even remember.

But I can't take it all back.

Oh, I do remember.
She fucked my husband.

- Mama slept with Uncle Jack?

- Did a whole lot more
than sleeping.

But he gave her syphilis.

God is good!

all: All the time.

- Now, obviously,
none of that matters now.

I can always get a new husband
without a dirty dong,

but what I can't get
is a new sister.

Now, if I can be civil,

y'all can, too.

both: Fine.

- Now let me say goodbye
to my sister

with some peace and dignity.

[sighs]

- 'Crecia.

As y'all know,
we are gathered here today

to honor the life

of one Ms. Mildred Anne Ford,

who is survived
by two beautiful daughters...

[cell phone chimes]
And her wonderful sister...

who also has
a declined credit card.

Lacrecia.

- What the fuck you put
on this funeral?

- I'm sorry, okay?
I just wanted it to be nice.

- Listen, it's okay.
Me and Lee are gonna split it.

- He can take my card
for some of it, too.

- Do they take
CashApp or Venmo?

- Oh, we take it all,
my brother.

But if you send it
through PayPal,

please remember to send it
as a friend.

- Y'all can have
that light-bill money.

- Yeah, I'll put some of
Junebug's cash in on it, too.

- I can't let y'all do that.

She was my mama,
so I'm gonna pay for it

like I knew I would.

- After all of this,
I'm gonna need some cash.

- Now, y'all, this has truly
been quite a lovely service.

But now I'd like
to close us out

with what I know was
Cousin Mildred favorite song,

if y'all don't mind.

[all agreeing]

This for you, Milly Mill.

[clears throat]

[clicks tongue]
♪ I don't fight ♪

[all murmuring]

♪ I don't argue ♪

- Come on, now, sing the song.
[all murmuring]

- ♪ I just hit that bitch
with a bottle ♪

♪ Oh, I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch
with a bottle ♪

♪ I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch... ♪
all: ♪ With a bottle ♪

- ♪ No, I don't fight, no ♪

all: ♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch
with a bottle ♪

- ♪ No, I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue, I just... ♪

all: ♪ Hit that bitch
with a bottle ♪

- Ouch!

Now, y'all know y'all
could've shaved her mustache

before you put her
in this casket.

Hmm. I would've loved
to hear her response to that.

- You ready to go, Auntie?

- I'm ready.

Bye, baby sis.

- Gonna be all right, baby?
- Yep.

I just want to say goodbye.

- I'm gonna miss you calling me
four times a year

to pay your phone bill.

I know you loved us.

And I love you, too.

And I know you did your best,

but your best wasn't always
good enough.

Rest easy, Mama.

[shimmering tone]

- What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?

- What the hell?
- Don't fucking cuss at me.

Why did you let my sister

put them flying monkey lips
on me?

And why the hell
am I being buried in a bra?

My titties need to be free

so Teddy Pendergrass
can motorboat me.

- Why are you talking?
- 'Cause I feel like it.

Why are you fat?
- Here come the bullshit.

- Cuss again.

Cuss again, and watch
your ass be in this box.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I appreciate you coming.

I know it wasn't easy.

- It wasn't--
- Bitch. Let the dead talk.

I know I made
a lot of mistakes.

You two didn't get
the guidance you needed

to become regular whole people.

That's why
y'all got to stick together.

Otherwise it's just two
half dumbasses walking around,

when you and your sister
need to be one whole dumbass.

That would make me proud.

- I-I don't understand.
- Yes, you do.

- Okay.

- Now, let me go find Teddy.

You know I love a nigga
in a wheelchair.

Mmm.

It's a good rock
when he can roll.

- Bye, Mama.

[shimmering tone]

- I'm so glad you here.
Can we just talk about--

- Nothing. I don't want to talk
about nothing with you, Pat.

You tried to make me
look like a fool today.

- Look, Denise,
I don't want to fight.

- Well, I don't either.
I don't fight. I don't argue.

I just hit that bitch
with a summons.

See you in court.
- For what?

- You owe me
for emotional damage

and, most of all,
my iconic wigs.

Hmm. See you in court.

Not bad for a crackhead.

[shimmering tone]
- [cackling wildly]

You dumb bitch.
[cackling]

Your big sister
got that ass again!

[cackles]

That was good!
[cackling]

- Blowpop, is it too late
to cremate that bitch?

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