Original subtitles

[static]

What? No. No, I can't stay with my boyfriend because he is still in prison.

Besides, we're not that serious.

We talked through the toilet and I've only seen a picture of his dick.

Look, I'm really sorry. I should've been honest with you.

I'm over it.

And just to be clear, you and I are no longer...

A couple? No, we're not.

[Barb] You've been locked up for three years.

I know you're itchin' to get laid.

Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.

What the hell. Probably never see you again.

Mm-mm.

That's not social distancing.

[Barb crying]

[♪ "Only the Lonely" plays]

[crying]

[sighs]

[music continues]

[camera shutter clicks]

[typing]

[dings]

Hmm.

[mouths words]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[music stops]

Hand me the vacuum.

Yep.

And what's with this cheese?

That's gonna represent a Swiss bank account.

Or the plan still having some holes in it.

Haven't decided yet.

[funk music plays]

What are you doing?

Oh, nothin'. Just puttin' my hand on your knee. Why?

Don't do that.

Oh, okay.

I thought maybe we were cool again, like we were in prison.

Since... we kissed.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, we weren't that drunk.

We played rock, paper, scissors.

My paper covered your rock, we had a little bit of a moment,

and then we just...

That didn't happen.

Uh...

Oh, okay. I see. I see what you're doin'.

Did the TV break?

Gloria's comin' up with a plan to steal the Congresswoman's money.

What are you doin' with my magazines? I use those.

Look what you did. You cut off the "C."

Now it's a recipe for asserole.

Where's the new phone I got you?

Oh, I sent it to Jean Michel Duklon so we could finally video chat,

but he told me a squirrel was chasing a bird,

the bird startled the mailman,

the mailman dropped the package,

when he went to pick it up,

accidentally stepped on it and broke the camera.

It's my fault for not paying for insurance.

Hey, what's the vacuum for?

Oh, the vacuum represents the housekeeper.

Okay. You know how the Congresswoman is selling all her valuables

and dumping her cash into a secret bank account

under her housekeeper's name?

Yeah. Lucia.

Yep, and the first thing we need to do is unearth some information about her.

Last name, address...

Why'd you cut out a boner ad?

[whispers] Or is it not for the wall?

It's for the wall.

In fact, it's for you.

We're gonna need you to start dating Stan.

Excuse me?

Stan, the bank manager who's in love with you.

The only way this is gonna work is if you start dating him.

So when I show up to the bank as Lucia to make a transfer, you can...

I'm in a committed relationship. I can't hold another man's hand.

And I sure as hell can't run in sand with this wonky hip.

No, you need to find another picture and figure out how to make it work.

Find another...

Wait, do you think I just cut up a bunch of pictures first

and then came up with the plan?

Here. Put this up there.

We used to trick our dog Pickles to go to the vet.

Maybe there's a way you can trick the Congresswoman

into givin' us all her money.

I like that idea, Mom.

We're gonna have to figure out what kind of treats she likes.

Barb, this is a lot of money. I'm just asking you to...

Cheat.

You're askin' me to cheat on the first man in my whole life

I've remained faithful to and it's not gonna happen.

Nope. If I have to choose between love and money,

I'm choosin' love.

But, seriously, you need to find another way to get this money.

I wanna surprise my man with a lime-green Tesla

and I've also got my eye on some elective surgical procedures.

And from what I'm askin' them to accomplish, it ain't gonna be cheap.

Someone needs to tell her her boyfriend doesn't exist

and she's being scammed.

Yeah, well, uh... I don't wanna be here for that.

You're just gettin' started on the plan.

Maybe you can find a way around it.

Jack, this isn't just about the plan.

This is about Barb. She's been taking care of us.

We need to take care of her.

Sooner or later, Rooster's gonna tell Barb

that he's engaged to Wiggles, you and I will be gone,

and Barb will be here all alone, sending half her money to this asshole

and using the rest to turn herself into FrankenMILF.

She deserves to know the truth.

Well, I guess you're right. Who's gonna tell her?

Rock, paper, scissors?

I don't think she's gonna listen to either of us.

This guy has her so brainwashed, she's not gonna believe he doesn't exist

unless she sees it for herself.

Get the treats. We're taking Pickles to the vet.

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

This was a great idea.

Can't tell you the last time I've been to D.C.

And thanks for drivin' so I can look at the cherry blossoms.

Yeah, no problem.

[blinker clicking]

Oh, no, Jack, honey... D.C.'s that way.

[sighs] We're not going to D.C., Barb.

What?

[grunts]

[grunts]

[sighs]

We're taking you to see Jean Michel Duklon.

Surprise.

No, we can't show up unannounced.

Why not? It'll be romantic.

What if he's not home?

He splits his time between Ohio and the South of France.

He is home. I've been using the phone you sent him to find his location.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Turn this car around. -Do not turn this car around.

Hey, what are you doin'? Barb? Barb?

I swear to God, if you don't turn this car around,

I'll jump.

-Barb, no! -Pull over!

-Barb, don't jump! -Pull over!

-She's not jumping. -I feel like she might.

I'm jumping!

[tires screech]

And don't think I don't know what you did with the Twizzlers!

Treatin' me like a damn dog with worms.

Fine, we won't go see him! He wasn't gonna be there anyway!

How do you know?

[grunts]

Rock beats blank stare.

Tell her, Jack.

Tell me what?

We think you're being scammed.

[scoffs]

Not to say you're not a ripe, beautiful woman,

but don't you think it's a little odd that you've never talked face-to-face

because his camera phone is always broken?

He drops things. Big whoop.

Yeah, but you always send him cash and gifts.

He never sends you anything back.

Because he's between jobs.

The Eastern Ohio male modeling industry has been crippled by Covid.

He lives five hours away, he's never come to visit you.

Because he's a saint who takes care of his sick father.

He can't leave him alone.

Doesn't all that sound a little convenient?

I mean, trust me, I know a scam when I see one.

You might know a scam, but you sure as hell don't know love.

You just think all men are scumbags because you gave your heart

to Jack in prison and it turns out he was lyin' to you the whole time.

Ah, scumbag's a little strong.

And you can't believe a younger man could be attracted to a mature woman

because you're repulsed by the thought of being with an older man.

Older man? We're 12 years apart.

And that's prison years. There's no sun damage in lockup.

Let it go, Jack. Just...

Show me a crow's foot.

Other side.

-Nothing. -[grunts]

If you are so convinced that he is real, why are you so scared to go see him?

Because I'm not ready.

I got a whole list of nips and tucks and lifts I gotta do

before I see him in person.

I mean, this bra's puttin' in the work, but without it,

I got a left knocker that's got a mind of its own.

You sent him a phone so you could video chat.

He was gonna see you then, why not see you now?

Because if we video chat, I can dim the lights,

pick my own angle, smear a little Miracle Whip on the lens.

I control the environment,

just like when I send him pictures of me from no less than 20 feet away.

-[sighs] -[camera shutter clicks]

What are you doin'? What are you doin'?

[Gloria] He can zoom in on the pictures, Barb.

Huh.

[Barb] You can just do that with your fingers?

[Gloria] Mm-hmm.

He knows what I look like?

Warts and all.

[exhales]

Well, then...

...take me to my lover.

And it's not a wart, it's a skin tag.

And it's on the list, under nips.

[scoffs]

[phone beeping]

What are you doing?

Lettin' him know we're comin'.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are not warning him.

If he's real, he'll be thrilled when you surprise him.

-[both grunting] -[phone rings]

Hey, oh, uh...

Hello?

Hey, so I was at the house showin' Wiggles how we spy on people and shit

and the Congresswoman called up some guy

to come pick her up and take her to work.

Yeah, that's great, Rooster. Can, uh...

Can I call you back? I'm a little busy right now.

She also said that they gotta stop by the cleaning lady's house

and pay her for the work last weekend.

They're goin' to Lucia's!

We're on our way over there to follow her.

Rooster says the Congresswoman's goin' to Lucia's house.

He's gonna follow her.

Absolutely not. We can probably figure out where she lives online.

Rooster, do not follow the Congresswoman!

I think Gloria feels like we can hold off on that.

Yeah, I heard.

[phone beeps]

-Fine, keep the damn phone. -[sighs]

Rather see the surprised look on his very real, very handsome face anyway.

[sighs]

[train crossing bell rings]

I got road snacks!

We're not going.

Really? Why? You were so excited.

They think I'll screw it up by doing something stupid.

That's crazy. You're the smartest guy I ever dated.

Come on.

Who taught me unicorns were extinct?

I didn't want you to waste any more time saving up for one.

Who taught me that 2% milk is actually 100% milk?

-Me. -See?

They only think you're stupid

'cause you haven't shown 'em how smart you are yet.

What do you say, baby? Should we prove 'em wrong?

Let's do it.

[both chuckle]

Who taught me there's actually a calculator in my phone?

Well, I did. Do you use it ?

No, it's too hard, but it's nice to know it's there.

Was the kiss less than spectacular?

Excuse me?

Is that why you're pretending we didn't kiss?

Wait, what?

'Cause I'm out of practice.

I haven't voluntarily kissed anyone in 26 years.

When did you guys kiss?

We didn't.

[sighs] She's pretending it didn't happen.

Oh. That's because she doesn't believe in love.

I believe in love.

But that kiss that he's talking about, it didn't happen.

-Fine. -[phone chimes]

Goddammit. Rooster's gone rogue.

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

Shit!

They should be impressed that I remember

where the Congresswoman lives, but they're telling me to go home.

I still don't think I can do this.

That's bullshit. You can do anything.

Who taught me that Thanksgiving is only a holiday in America and...

What was the other place again?

Turkey.

[whispers] Oh, here she comes. Get down.

I guess you can't threaten

to put your foot up Lindsey Graham's ass for a few weeks.

Poor guy probably bleached and waxed his hole for nothing.

Funny, Collin.

I was gonna give you an after-lunch painkiller,

but you just blew that little treat.

[grunts]

[sighs]

Thanks for believing in me, baby.

Of course.

This kinda reminds me of the time when you told your mother

that even though she thought I was garbage,

you knew I could still do great things.

Remember what you said?

It's called "garbage can," not "garbage cannot."

[both chuckle]

[car departs]

[engine starts]

Here we are. Chateau de Jean Michel.

Jean Michel is his first name.

Duklon is his last name, not whatever you said.

You want one of us to go with you?

Do I look like I need a chaperone? This ain't the damn prom.

Just be ready to take a few pictures.

If this goes the way I hope,

it's gonna end up in the wedding slideshow,

accompanied by a Van Halen song.

I'd tell you which one, but I want it to be a surprise.

Okay. Okay.

Ah, damn hip locked up!

It just locked up!

I gotta wrestle this bastard back into place.

[grunts]

Cover your ears. The pop can be a bit startling.

[grunting]

Okay.

[grunting continues]

Someone's here.

Holy shit, he's beautiful.

And he's real.

He's 100% real.

Well, just because...

I mean, I'll admit it, I was terrified you guys were right.

That I was being tricked,

and no one would ever love a washed-up old woman like me.

But someone does.

He does.

[sobbing] He loves me.

Shit. We need to find a motel.

-What? -Why?

Well, you saw how amazing he looks.

I can't show up smellin' like the inside of a 1976 Pacer.

And plus, until my hip pops back into place,

I can't jump after he kisses me,

so it's not gonna sync up with the Van Halen song about jumping.

What is that song called?

-"Jump." -"Jump."

That's it! "Jump." [chuckles]

Don't tell Rooster, I want someone at the wedding to be surprised.

Barb, don't take this the wrong way, but you've looked a lot worse.

Just... Just go out there.

No way.

I need to ice my hip, shower, and get a good night's sleep.

And if there's a Marshalls nearby, maybe pick up a sexy new blouse

-and a sturdier bra. -[phone chimes]

'Cause this one's startin' to walk off the job.

Holy shit. Rooster found Lucia.

-[phone chimes] -Oh.

What'd they say?

They sent an emoji fist bump and said that Jack's gonna come back later

to steal her mail so that we know her last name for the fake ID.

[chuckles] You did it!

Victory blunt, victory blunt...

Oh, it's a little messed up, though,

'cause I feel like I just proved myself,

and they still don't trust me to get her last name.

[coughs]

You thinking about stealing her mail?

Nope. Something better.

Stealing one of her kids?

No. Uh...

What...

What's the first thing that a cop wants to look at when they pull you over?

My titties.

Well, no, after that.

Your license.

I'm gonna steal this lady's license.

Cool.

[laughs]

Just give me a second.

My husband took the face shield and went out to get us some milkshakes.

We only have two rooms available.

Jack and I can share. That way, you can get your beauty rest.

I'm gonna get snacks from the machine.

A woman doesn't volunteer to share a room unless she's plannin' on gettin' laid.

[clicks tongue] Good luck, stud.

[chuckles]

Have there been any changes in the way people kiss

in the last 26 years that you're aware of?

Hmm...

Well, I've been hearing a lot of chatter lately

about people licking each other's hiney-holes.

[gasps]

Would you consider that kissing?

I wouldn't.

Me neither. So, no, I think kissing is still just kissing.

Thank you.

[door unlocks]

[grunting]

Did you push the beds together?

No, they were like this.

Must have been the last people who stayed here.

Oh...

I can't figure you out, Gloria. Why won't you acknowledge our kiss?

[sighs]

Because if we kissed, we'd be talking about what it meant

instead of concentrating on our plan to steal millions of dollars

from an evil Congresswoman.

We'd lose focus and the next thing you know,

we'd be back in prison talking through the toilet.

That is why the kiss never happened

and that is why we are not sleeping together.

Well, why are we sharing a room?

Because we're not sleeping.

We are gonna rob Jean Michel Dumbass or whatever his real name is.

What do you mean? He looked just like his pictures.

Better than the pictures.

I gotta agree with Barb on this one.

Ugh. No one who looks like that is in love with Barb.

Okay, he may be using his own picture,

but he's still asking her to send him money.

Did you see that gold watch he was wearing?

To be honest, my eyes stopped at his biceps.

I've been tryin' to figure how to get mine to pop like that.

It's so...

We are stealing that watch.

For our plan to work, I need a fake ID that says I'm Lucia

and selling that watch should cover the cost.

Can't we rob him tomorrow?

After Barb talks to him and we're 100% certain it's a scam?

I'm already convinced.

If we're gonna hit this guy, we need to do it tonight.

[loud pop]

[Barb] Hip's back in!

[both sigh]

[suspenseful music plays]

[snoring]

[door unlocks]

[grunts]

He lives with his dad. His sick dad. He wasn't lyin'.

-I'm puttin' the watch back. -No!

-Yeah. -No, listen.

That doesn't prove anything.

-Innocent until proven guilty. -In what country?

[door unlocks]

[sighs]

Hey, baby.

Hey. Hey, you're early.

Yeah, they sent me home. Covid's got people scared to eat out.

-Well, I'm not scared. -Mm.

[upbeat French music plays]

[Abby moans]

-[Abby moaning] -Oh!

[Abby] Oh, that's my spot, baby.

[Abby moans]

[vibrating]

[engine starts]

That was, um...

That was... quite the session.

Herculean effort.

On a weeknight, too.

Did he eat an energy bar while she was...?

-I believe he did. -Mm.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[sighs]

[grunts] This didn't happen.

Absolutely not.

Oh, my God. [grunts]

Oh, shit.

[moaning]

Hey! Wakey, wakey! Time to go surprise my man!

Are we gonna tell her what we saw last night?

[indistinct]

I'm gonna take that as a no.

[suspenseful music plays]

There she is.

You got this, baby.

[♪ "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction plays]

[screams]

[sighs]

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I forgot about gravity.

Why do I always forget about gravity?

Rooster, it's okay.

No, I should've quit while I was ahead. Jack and Gloria were right. I'm a screwup!

Yeah, well, I don't know if they're gonna feel that way when you show them this.

You got it?

When you smashed into her cart, the stuff in her purse flew everywhere.

I pretended to help clean up

and then I did the old... [whooshes] slip-it-into-the-tit.

Same thing I do with dollar bills if there are two dancers on the stage.

What's wrong? You did it.

No, I didn't.

You did.

Remember that Fourth of July

when I spilled blue Slurpee all over my white dress

and then you dumped your red Slurpee on me

so it looked like I did it on purpose?

Yeah.

And when I had black mold in my apartment

'cause I left the tub running,

who painted over it so I wouldn't have to see it anymore?

Me, but you don't even use it that much 'cause baths make you wheeze.

My point is, I screw up sometimes, too.

But you're always there to catch me when I fall.

That's why we're good for each other.

Like oil and water, right?

One's good for salad dressing

and one's good for cleaning up salad dressing.

They work together.

You're pretty smart, too, Wiggles.

We both are.

Except for when we're not.

We just need to make sure that we don't screw up at the same time.

Baby, I don't think this is my car.

[lawnmower whirring]

[Barb] Oh, my Lord.

[sighs]

How do I look?

They even?

Oh, uh... identical twins.

[chuckles]

[lawnmower whirring]

Hey!

Hey!

Can I help you?

It's me.

You didn't zoom in on the pictures, did you?

You were wrong. He didn't zoom in on the pictures.

Hey!

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Barb. It's Barb.

Je swiss Barb.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I think you're confused.

Ma'am? But it's me.

Your little honeysuckle.

My what?

Hey, asshole. It's over, all right?

Just admit you've been scamming her so she can get on with her life.

Gloria, leave him alone.

I think he has amnesia.

He doesn't even have his accent anymore.

Sweetie, did you hit your head recently?

No.

See? He doesn't even remember hitting his head.

Hey, buddy, what you're doin' isn't cool.

Just be honest with her.

Hey, what's goin' on, baby?

Baby?

Ah, hell no.

I don't know what's goin' on, but I'm callin' the cops.

Seriously? You're gonna use the same phone she sent you

to call the cops?

That's a dick move, bro.

What are you talkin' about? I bought him that phone for his birthday.

Ah, soon as I get my shoulder warmed up, it is go-time, bitch.

Okay, when I find your name in her contacts and call that phone,

it's not gonna ring, right? [chuckles]

[phone rings]

-[man on phone] Bonjour, mon amour. -[man on phone] Bonjour, mon amour.

[suspenseful music plays]

[French accent] Are you there, honeysuckle?

I'm looking out upon the Champs-Elysees and thinking of you.

Really?

[normal voice] Barb?

No. No, no. It's too soon. It's too soon. I'm not ready.

[♪ "Only the Lonely" plays]

[camera shutter clicks]

[dings]

Wow.

[speaking French]

I fell in love the moment I saw you.

But since I used my son's picture, I was too scared to tell you the truth.

I knew that if you ever saw me in person, it would all end.

But then you started sending me money.

Wait, you didn't ask her for money?

No, she just sent it.

And I was going to send it back, but then I thought,

"What if I used your money to give you everything you've dreamed of?"

I used to look like John Michael.

I thought maybe I could turn back time.

I started buying testosterone pills, HGH, following Tom Brady's meal plan.

The guy won't let you eat a tomato, Barb.

And I really want a tomato.

But I want you more.

I feel like there's too many people in this room for all the Covid stuff.

-Maybe we should move this outside. -Shh.

Every penny you ever sent me,

I invested in trying to make your dreams come true.

I even started hair transplants.

You only send me a couple of hundred a month,

so I had to do it in installments,

but I think it's starting to look pretty good.

[all groan]

Barb, the pictures weren't me.

The emails, sexting...

-[all groan] -Oh, God.

...all the late-night phone calls, those were me.

Every time I said I love you, I meant it.

I love you, Barb.

Let me see the top of your head again.

Ugh.

Yeah. No, it's not gonna happen, buddy.

I, uh... I found this outside on the sidewalk.

I don't know. Maybe you know.

As pathetic as that guy was, he really did love me, didn't he?

He sure did, Barb.

[Jack] He was just afraid to tell the truth.

He knew you were out of his league, so he lied just to stay in the game.

So he'd have any chance at all.

It doesn't mean he didn't care about you.

If anything, it shows that he did.

Well, when the hair comes in, maybe he won't be so bad.

Maybe, but you need to start seeing Stan first.

We need to focus on the plan.

What about after the plan? What's gonna happen after the plan?

I guess if we get through all of this and end up millionaires,

then, yeah...

if she decides she wants to give it a shot...

maybe there's a future there.

Maybe.

You guys screwed, didn't you?

Nope. Didn't happen.

[phone chimes]

Well, today is full of surprises.

[Gloria] Rooster got Lucia's license.

[Barb] Hot damn!

[♪ "Can't Help Falling in Love" in French plays]

Barb, one of the Congresswoman's sculptures just sold for 46 grand.

You're kiddin' me. Let me see, let me see.

We got this new kind of Asian spaghetti soup.

Raymond noodles.

And sure, my sister's a crack addict, we got a handful of felons,

and my father was a Methodist for a few weeks, under duress.

Let go! I bruise like a banana and it's comin' up on my tank-top season!

[grunts]

[screams]

[laughs]

[grunts]

♪ We're gonna get high, high, high, high, high tonight ♪

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