All language subtitles for The.Movie.2022.WEBRip.x264-ION10English

Delivery.

What's that?

I just deliver 'em.

Well, I didn't order
anything that big.

Does it say who it's from?

No return address.

No return address,
isn't that odd?

What is?

A package this big
with no return address?

Well, I don't know what
size has to do with it,

but it's not unprecedented.

Uh, well, what if I
don't sign for it?

I don't understand.

I mean, what if I don't sign,

you know, your clipboard thingy?

Well, then I can't
release the package to you.

Release?

Industry jargon, means give.

I can't give you the package
if you don't sign for it.

Ah, okay.

-So, do you want it or not?
-I don't know what it is.

But that's the fun of it,
it's a surprise.

You like surprises, don't you?

Great.

-Where's it headed?
-Oh, I'll bring it in myself.

Oh, I don't know, it's
pretty heavy, hence the dolly.

What company did you
say you were with again?

- JB Solutions.
- And what is that?

It's a delivery service,
white glove.

Um, okay, I guess, you know, you
could just put it right here.

You want it right there?

Do you have a problem with that?

No, no, it's just, I got wheels,
I can put it anywhere.

Here is fine.

There's great.

-Careful.
-I wouldn't worry about that.

I can help you put it together
for you too, if you want,

if it even needs assembly,

and comes with the right tools.

And I'm not a great builder,

but I'm a good builder,
I'm a solid builder.

And you're my last
drop of the night,

so there's nowhere's
else I need to be.

Well, who's to say I can't
put it together myself?

I've made it this long,
I must be doing something right.

Oh, I-- I didn't mean--

Hey, women's rights.
My mom was a woman.

I just meant if you want help,
I'm happy to help.

Isn't it a little late
to be doing deliveries?

Oh, we deliver 'til 8:00

It's 8:45.

We deliver 'til 9:00.

Well,

-thanks, thanks a bunch.
-Anytime.

Oh my God,

I just realized who you are.

-Did you?
-I knew you looked familiar.

It's really you.

I used to love you,
you used to be the best.

Thanks, I think.

That sounded bad, like--
like you're no longer great,

but you're-- you're still good.

Sure, just perfectly fine.

-Mm-hmm.
-Hmm.

Seriously though,
what happened to you?

You used to be everywhere
and then just one day,

it was one day--

-You look old.
-Excuse me?

What kind of shit is
that to say to somebody?

No, no, I just meant
it's probably why I didn't

recognize you at first is all.
You--

God, wait 'til
the guys hear about this.

You think I can
get an autograph?

I think I gave you
one of those already.

My clipboard! Clever girl.

I'm gonna have to frame that.

-How about a selfie, then?
-Uh--

I left my selfie
stick in the truck,

so we'll just have to squeeze.

Wait 'til the guys see this.

What did you say
your name was again?

Walter.

Walter is my name.

-And you are Janet Gillespie.
-That's me.

I am shaking the hand
the Janet Gillespie.

Oh my God.

Well, Walter,
my boyfriend is gonna be here

any minute now so this
is where I have to say goodbye.

Now, hang on, now, hang on.

I mean, I didn't even
get a chance to, like--

how often do I
get a chance to...

A chance to what?

A chance to pitch
you my screenplay.

-Screenplay?
-Yeah, you'd be great for it.

Actually,
you'd be kind of perfect.

Would I?

Hey, you never know,
could be your big comeback.

-My big comeback.
-Hey, you never know.

You know,
I don't only drive a truck,

you know,
I'm a man of many talents.

I write,
I act, I direct, I do voiceover.

So what do you say,
you wanna hear my pitch?

Sure, but you know,
scripts usually come

-through my agent so you can--
-Great, well, basically.

I'll give you a--
No, sorry, no,

I said-- I sa-- I said scripts
usually come through my agent.

So you're more than
welcome to submit that.

No, you said sure.

I don't understand, it's
like you're saying one thing,

but you're meaning another--

Didn't you say your boyfriend
was on his way home?

Where is he? You know,

-I don't see him.
-Hey. Uh--

You know what I think?

I think you said that
just to get me outta here,

but no, no, no, no,
you're right, you're right,

it's unprofessional,
I'll send it to your agent

so you can throw
it in the trash.

Or better yet, save the postage,
you gotta shredder?

Hey Janet, your agent's
a douche bag, all right?

He doesn't give
a about you shit, Janet.

He doesn't care
about you, Janet.

I'm offering you something
real here, Janet,

like man to woman, Janet,

why won't you
hear me out, Janet?

Janet, why won't
you hear me out?

Walter, calm down, calm down,

I wanna hear you out.

Okay, I wanna hear you out.

Beg me.

You gotta be kidding me.

Beg me.

Okay.

please, Walter.
Please pitch me your pitch,

I wanna hear your pitch.
Please pitch me your pitch.

Fine.

It's about this
creepy delivery guy

who tortures this washed
up actress in her own home.

I'm just kidding, Janet.

Oh my God,
relax, I'm just kidding.

God, it's actually really sweet.

It's a love story about this
lady who falls for a plumber

while he's over fixing
her leaky refrigerator.

Just read the first
page and you'll see,

'cause it's that obvious.

I swear,
you're gonna win awards.

Go ahead, you'll see, go ahead.

Oh my God,
this whole thing's an act.

-What whole thing?
-Your whole thing.

You knew who I
was this entire time.

How do you figure?

You just happen to
have that script with you?

Well, I-- I mean it's LA,

you never know whose
package you might deliver.

Right, okay, okay. Um...

Well,

why don't you leave it with me

and I'll look over
it this weekend?

Mm, I don't think so.

Why not?

Because then this weekend's
gonna come and of course,

something's gonna come
up and of course your weekdays

are slammed and you're hosting
that bridal shower next weekend.

-How did you?
-Next thing you know,

six months later,

my script's still sitting
right where you left it.

I wanna be there
when you read it,

I wanna see you react.

No, um, Walter,
that's not how it works.

I'm sorry, but it's not.

Look, you can leave it behind
and I will email you my notes.

I don't want your notes.

Every turd burglar
in this town has a note.

You think I give a shit
about a single one of them?

I don't think you understand
what's happening here, Janet.

This script, it's magic.

I'm a fucking magician.

I'm gonna make
your career reappear.

Feedback, not notes,
I'll email you my feedback.

Uh-uh.

Okay, well, then,
Walter, I'm afraid

you're gonna have to
take your script and leave.

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime, Janet,

and I'm not gonna
let you pass it up.

Just-- just come on,
please, just come on,

just read-- read the first page,
you'll see, it's obvious.

I swear, you'll love it.

Just read the first
page and you will see.

I'm gonna change the game
with this one. We're gonna.

If I read
the first page for you,

will you get out of here?

Sure.

That's it?

I did what I said I would do.

Well, were you reading or paying
attention or were you just

-moving your eyeballs up there?
-I paid attention.

It's just not up
to your standards, then?

Why don't you
read it again, aloud?

No, Walter, I did what
I said I was gonna do.

Now you fulfill your
end of the bargain.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm sorry?

I'm not leaving to until you
agree to be in my movie, Janet.

I'm not gonna say it again,
Walter,

now kindly get
the fuck out of my house. Now.

Yeah, I think I'll
stay a little longer.

But you said

you would leave after
I read the first page.

No, I said sure.

You know what sure means,
right, Janet?

Whoa, what are you doing?

What are you doing? You can't do
that-- that-- that's mine.

You didn't think this
was actually for you,

did you, Janet?

It was just my way
to get inside your door.

It's all an act, remember?

I'm no delivery boy.

I had this hat made at the mall.

What the hell's
a JB Solution, anyway?

It's just so random.

What's in that box?

Oh, just some things, just
some-- some gear and props

-and things.
-For what?

-For shooting it.
-Shooting what?

Shooting our movie, silly.

We're shooting it tonight,
right here in your house.

You see how convenient that is.

We come to you.
Hope you got good lighting.

You play the girl,
I'll play the guy.

I already memorized my lines,
so I hope you're a quick study.

Oh my God.

You're serious.

Well, yeah, I'm not leaving 'til
this movie's in the can, Janet.

What are you doing? Ah!

You did this to yourself, Janet.

Ow, ow!
You're hurting me.

Where's the closet?

What, what?

A closet,
you know, hangers, rods, jacket.

Ah! In the hallway over there.
In the hallway. Help!

I give you this amazing
opportunity, Janet,

and that's the thanks
that I get, you push me over

when I'm not looking?

Better off not
putting up a fight, you know.

Not like anyone else
is casting you in anything.

No, no, no, no.

That's what you get.

Why are
you doing this to me?

Why aren't you cooperating
with me, Janet?

You're a sick freak.
This is never gonna work.

Not with that attitude,
it won't.

You don't have
to do this to me, please.

Why? Why are you doing this?

I suggest you read that script.

♪ There's rope to leave
if you want ♪

♪ It's yours to take ♪

♪ It's been not so great ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ I will you watch from afar ♪

♪ You destroy your life ♪

♪ But at a glance,
just a dream ♪

♪ It seems to be clear ♪

♪ So, maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ Maybe learn a lesson ♪

♪ I'll laugh all the way ♪

♪ To the morgue ♪

Peace offering?

Kale, almond butter,
almond milk,

banana and flax seed,
just the way you like it,

So says US Weekly,
issue 929, December 3rd, 2012.

Hope they got it right.

Go ahead.

See, I'm not such a bad guy.

So did you read my script?

I tried,
but my hands are cuffed.

Oh yeah.

How she's supposed
to turn the page with hands

taped behind her back, Walter?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Keep drinking.

One more. Mama needs her energy,

it's gonna be a long night.

Good.

Upsy daisy now.

Here we go.

You changed?

Into my costume, yeah.

What do you think?

Instant Gustav, right?

Who?

Gustav, my character.

You'd know that if
you read the script, Janet.

I found your phone by the way.

You want it?

Yes.

No.

So I was thinking
we start with the audition.

-The what?
-The audition.

I just need to know
that you can do this, Janet.

I mean,
you're kind of outta practice.

When's the last
movie you were in?

That doesn't matter,
I was nominated for an Oscar.

But it's part of
my whole deal, Janet.

If you don't like it,
go be a dental hygienist

with that attitude over there.

Do I need to throw you back in
the closet for a little longer?

That'd shut her up.

I'm your knight
in shining armor, Janet.

I'm trying to save you,

but I can't save you
if you're not saveable.

You know what I mean?

Not really.

So you stand there and I'll
sit here on this couch here.

It's a casting couch.

Ooh

yeah!

All right, so for this audition,

I was thinking that
you do your big monologue

from Mother May I?

The movie from when I was 10?

Yeah, you remember it,
don't you?

I think so.

Great, when you're ready.

I need to be uncuffed
for that speech.

Oh, and why is that?

To do it right,
I need to use my arms, you know,

to act properly.

Nice try Janet,
but it's just some words.

Just say the words,
you don't need your arms.

The girl in the movie
didn't use her arms.

She was just standing
in the doorway.

Well, actually she
was pretty animated, so...

Fine, I'll do it like this.

I'll do it like this.

State your name and
age before you begin.

Janet Gillespie. 38 years old.

42 years old.

-I'm 44, all right.
-All right, all right.

When you're ready.

-Mommy.
-Cut, what was that?

-What?
-That.

You're doing it
like you would today,

like your 44 year
old self would do it

with your 77 year old mom.

-How did you?
-I want you to do it

like you did it when you did it.

Not like,
"Mommy,"

but like,
"Mommy!"

You want me to do baby voice?

Now she's getting it.

When you're ready.

-Mommy.
-That's it.

I can't sweep.

The monster's back
and he's kicking my bed.

Can I sweep with
you tonight, Mommy?

I'll be good, please.
Mommy, I'm scared.

I know you said
no more sweepovers,

but this--
this isn't like before.

He's taunting me, Mommy.

He's chanting,

"Tonight, tonight, tonight,"

over and over and over.

Please don't let him
hurt me like you do mommy.

Bravo, madam.

Bravo. That was exquisite.

I mean, you flubbed
a few lines here and there,

but who's counting?

Me.

But still, quite good.

-Did I get the part?
-We'll let you know.

Janet Rose Gillespie,

will you play Claudia St.
Germain Dagastino Schwartz

in my film,
Water Under the Fridge?

Do I have a choice?

No.

-Then I guess so.
-Great.

Well, let's get you in wardrobe
and shoot the fucker, eh.

This is the dress
from Mother May I.

-Oh.
-Huh?

I guess it kinda is.

I'll leave you with that.

-You're shooting this POV.
-The what now?

Point of view, from
the character's perspective.

Oh, POV.

I thought you said POB.

I was like, never heard
that film term before, amateur.

As a matter of fact, I am.

That way, I won't incriminate
myself on camera.

It's genius, right?

I thought it through Janet.

Have you ever made
a movie before?

I resent that,
what you think, I'm some novice,

that doesn't know
what he's doing?

I was just wondering
if I had seen your work.

Well, that depends.

You ever watch
hidden camera videos

from the women's restroom?

Can't say that I have.

Well, then you probably
haven't seen my work.

-When you're ready.
-Ready.

All ready?

It took me a month to memorize

those lines and I wrote 'em.

Quiet on the set.

-Always wanted to say that.
-I'm glad you could

-fulfill your dream.
-Quiet on the set Janet,

what the fuck?

Rolling. Scene one.

And action.

- Ma'am.
- Yes.

- Hi.
- Hello.

How is you?

I'm good. How are you?

I am well, and you?

I'm fine.

Me too,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's me Gustav.

I am the plumber
that is fixing the leak

in your refrigerator
here in your house

in the United States of America.

Oh yes, hi Gustav,
I thought I recognized you.

I'm Claudia St.
Germain Davistino Schwartz.

We met at the door
a little over one hour ago

when I let you in to fix
the leak in my refrigerator.

You are correct
about the timeline.

I too remember this,
I too remember these things.

Thank you.

So how about the weather?

Beautiful, isn't it?

And your children?

Dead.

Hey, would you like some
spaghetti and meatballs?

Oh.

And cut.

Yes.

I can't believe this
is actually happening.

So, how did that feel for you?

It felt okay.

Yeah, well, I thought
you totally brought it, Janet.

That's a compliment.

-Thanks.
-Uh-huh.

All right, let's keep it going.

You memorize scene two, huh?

We'll shoot it in order.

I just gotta go grab some shit.

Hey, I'm just curious.

When does Claudia
get out of this thing?

Spoiler alert.

No, no,
I won't give it away.

It's just, it's--
it's kind of uncomfortable.

Is it?

Could you at least
uncuff my wrists?

I'll keep 'em behind me.

It's just,
it's really, really tight.

Yeah. I don't think so, Janet.

It's only compelling
if it's real.

You know, It has to be real,
that's my whole deal.

You see,

see the pain you're
bringing to this moment,

that should be in my film.

But no one will
know the difference.

I will know.

This is a real film we're
making here, okay, Janet?

This isn't some
after school special.

Rolling. Scene two.

And action.

Can I get you
something to drink?

It depends, what do you have?

Wine, liquor,
orange juice, water.

I take a beer, thanks.

You know what?

I grab it myself.

To new best friends.

To new best friends.

Ah.

Hey, you aren't Latvian are you?

-Hell, no.
-Oh, good. I hate Latvians.

Did you always
wanna be a plumber?

Ever since I can remember.

It's typical.
I know every little boy's dream.

What about you?

What is it that you do,

and did you
always want to do it?

I'm a nurse at
the local hospital.

You know, the one on
the street with the floors

and the rooms and
the sick people?

Scene.

Wait for it...

and cut.

What?

Nothing.

You sure about that, Janet?

Yeah.

If you say so.

All right now in scene three,

Claudia starts
falling for Gustav,

but just for
a brief moment, like,

could he be the one?

It's just a look,
and I need you to nail it.

On my go, you got it?

Yeah.

Rolling.

Scene three.

And action.

So, do you come here often?

Can't say that I am.

Well, then I'll have
to show you around.

I used to do tours at
the college, at the university.

Those were the days.
Did you go to college?

I visited, my friend, Phil went.

Maybe you know him.

I know Phil very well,
great guy.

The best.

Funny story about Phil,

both his parents died

when he was young
and he ended up

in an orphanage
where he was abused

like every single day.

He was separated from his
brother who was buried alive.

All of his aunts and
uncles are in prison for life

without parole.

And his grandmother was
born with an upside down face.

Classic, Phil.

Look, do the look.

Say, do you have AIDS?

-Not that I know of.
-Too bad.

Well, maybe just one AID,

but definitely
no more than that.

Shouldn't it be called
Hinders, though?

-Hinders?
-Yeah, think about it.

They don't aid you.

They hinder you,
they impede you,

hinders.

I never thought
about it like that.

I'm gonna start saying that.

-You should.
-I think I will.

-When?
-I don't know.

-How about now?
-You mean right now?

-I mean right now.
-Screw it, you know what?

You're right,
here goes nothing. Hinders.

Feels good, doesn't it?

It sure is.

And how is the spaghetti
tasting for you?

Good,

but I'm allergic to spaghetti.

So I might have to poop later,

pretty bad.

By the way, do you have
any money I can borrow?

You mean besides what
I owe you for the plumbing?

-Yes.
-How much do you need?

Actually, you know what?
You can have it all.

You don't have to
pay me back or anything.

What's mine is yours.
Have at it.

Keep standing there.

And...

cut.

You take good direction,
nice job on that look.

Now what?

-Nothing, Walter.
-No, Janet.

It's the third time
you're being all like that

between scenes
so just spit it out.

You clearly have
something on your mind.

So just get it off your
mind or your chest or whatever.

You know what I mean?
Shut up, God.

Fine, Walter.

I'm sorry,
but this movie is ridiculous.

In what way?

In every way.

Why is Claudia
attached to this dolly?

Why would Claudia
invite Gustav for dinner?

How did Claudia make
dinner in the first place?

Why would Claudia offer
Gustav all her money?

How did Claudia answer
the door like this?

Literally everything you've
written makes no sense at all.

You can't answer any
of my questions, can you?

Yes, I can, I just don't
feel like it right now.

What were they again?

Why does Claudia
fall for this guy?

Because it's a love story,

and that's what happens
to love stories, love.

I know,
but what is it about Gustav

that Claudia finds
so attractive?

I don't know.

-You wrote it.
-So?

So you should know why
the characters do what they do.

Why is she attached
to the dolly?

She likes it.

Look, we don't
have time for this.

Just say the lines that I wrote.

We're not making
this up as we go along,

now, where do you
keep your dough?

My dough?

Your dough, your dough, the
dough you keep in your house.

I don't keep any
dough in my house.

Come again?

We are talking
about money, right?

Yeah, Janet,
dough, moolah, cheddar.

I don't keep any
money in my house.

Paragraph three, page 166
of your autobiography, quote,

"I always keep a pile
of cash lying around my house

just in case."

Or was that your
ghost writer writing?

By the way, it's a pretty dumb
thing to stick in your book.

I was a lot richer then.

Old habits die hard

and it looks like you're
doing just fine to me, Janet.

Just fine to me.

What are you gonna do with that?

Please, Walter, please.

That's my safety money,
and I'm already tapping into it.

But Janet, how am I supposed
to pay for all this?

Making movies is very expensive.

I tell you what, I'll give
you points on the back end.

This thing's gonna be the
sleeper hit of the summer Janet,

depending which
season it comes out.

Fall.

Winter.

-Spring.
-I know the seasons.

Do you?

Look...

It's a bunny rabbit.

All right.

It's in the crock pot,
in the cabinet,

next to the refrigerator.

What is?

My money.

You keep your money
in the crockpot?

That's correct,
I keep my money in the crockpot.

Now, any more questions?

-But, why?
-Same reason, you're asking

because nobody
thinks to look there.

I guess not.
Hiding in plain sight.

You're an evil genius.

We're so alike, right now.

I'm gonna go get that.

Claudia keeps hers in the couch.

Whoa, geez.

Holy shit.

How much money is this?

-Like 30 grand.
-30 grand.

I'm rich, yeah.

And action.

So earlier you
offered me the monies.

Yes, I recall that as well.

I should hope so.

The money is a pretty
important thing to remember

these days.

Can you show me where it is?

Absolutely.

I also have some jewelry
if you want that too.

Sure, I take some jewelry.

And how about that
tour along the way?

I drive, you navigate.

So...

I thought we would
start in the kitchen

since that is where
we are currently at.

Dammit.

Say that again.

So I thought we would
start in the kitchen

since that is currently
where we are at.

The kitchen is typically
where I cook my food

and do my dishes.

Sometimes I eat at
that thing over there.

It's called a table.

It's not unlike that other thing
we ate it in the dining room.

Huh?

Those are windows.
Are you familiar with windows?

Not entirely.

Well, they're called windows
and they're made out of glass

so you can see through
them when they're shut

or you can open them
up for some fresh H20

Mmm, I love H2O.

You can't breathe without it.

No, you cannot.

Oh, wait-- wait until you
see this light switch.

Mm, Interesting.

What does it do?

It controls the lights.

You can flip it up or
down to turn them on or off.

Could you flip it in the middle?

-Sometimes.
-Ooh.

Now wait, hang on. Back up.

You saying they figured
out a way to manufacture light

so that we can like control it?

Aren't inventions neat?

They're called light bulbs

and you can find them
at the hardware stores.

Can you remind me of that later?

That's something
I should have for my house.

It's been getting dark
in there at night lately.

I can get you a pen if
you'd like to write it down.

I never learned how.

So, what's next?

I like your house, by the way.

[Janet[ This is
the dining room, as you know.

Living room.

Guest bedroom.

Bathroom.

Master bedroom,
which is where I sleep

and make babies
from time to time.

And finally, the den, which
is where you'll find my money.

And cut.

-You didn't react.
-What do you mean?

I mean,
Gustav just found 30 grand

and pocketed it
like it was nothing.

So?

So that's not how you'd react
if you just found 30 grand.

You don't know that.

You literally
just found 30 grand

and nearly lost your shit.

-You can't use that against me.
-Why not?

Because I'm not playing myself.

I'm playing Gustav,
that's how Gustav reacts.

He's a low key like that.

I'm sorry, no.

And it's just sitting
there on the couch, like what?

She just leaves
30 grand on the couch.

Who's directing this movie,
Janet, me or you?

No, I'm asking you a question.

Who's directing this movie,
Janet, me or--

-You are.
-Ding, ding, ding.

Now how about that jewelry?

-What jewelry?
-Your jewelry.

You're not touching my jewelry.

Maybe not right now, but.

Why are you doing this to me?

Some of that jewelry
belonged to my grandmother.

Because it's only compelling

if it's real.

Now, I'm gonna give
you three seconds

to tell me where you keep it.

One,

two,

2.3.

2.65.

2.973

5-6-5-5-9.

It's back in my bedroom,
on top of my dresser.

That's where Claudia keeps hers.

And action.

My jewelry is back in my
bedroom, if you want that too.

If you insist.

I do, I was gonna
throw it away anyway.

So you're saving me
a trip to the dumpster.

-I aim to please.
-Hmm.

There it is, on the dresser.

You sure you don't want
to keep a few of these diamonds?

Nah, good riddance
is what I say.

I say that too sometimes.

Fine by me.

And cut.

I think this has
gone far enough.

Do you, Janet?

Sorry, Janet, but we're
not making a short, Janet.

Would you please
stop saying my name?

What, Janet?

Stop saying my name.

-But, Janet.
-What did I just say?

-Janet, please.
-What is wrong with you, man?

I am trying to tell you

-something.
-Janet, come on.

How are you not getting this,
guy, huh?

All right, look, I see that
you're upset about something.

So I'm just gonna
give you a few minutes

to so pull yourself together.

-Janet.
-You piece of shit.

Give me back my stuff,
let me out of this thing.

What is fucking wrong with you?

And action.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

I have something
you can put that in.

That would be helpful.

Yes, and would you
like to know what it is?

Can I guess what it is?

I'm very good at guessing.

-I don't see, why.
-Great.

Is it a reusable grocery bag?

Nope.

Is it one of those sticks
with a handkerchief at the end?

No.

Is it a reusable grocery bag?

Nope. It's a...

Say the line.

2018

Mercedes G Wagon

AMG.

You sure about that?

I probably don't
need anything that big.

Sure, I'm sure,
I want you to have it.

You need it worse than me.

You don't know that?
I do very well.

Either way,
the keys are by the door.

And...

cut.

Don't think I don't
know what you're doing here

with your little movie.

What am I doing with it?

Using it as an excuse

to steal my shit.

Oh, it's not me, it's Gustav.

Well, let me ask you this,

who's keeping everything
after the shoot?

I told you movies
are very expensive.

You're shooting it
on your forehead, dude.

Admit it,
you're making this movie

to justify your kleptomania.

I can see what you're
doing a mile away.

Are you psychiatrist
or something?

No, but I've seen
one long enough

and you're not the first scumbag
director I've worked for,

-the worst, but not the first.
-Now that one hurts.

You've never even seen my work.

I've seen enough.

Urgh.

What?

I feel tingly.

Oh my God.

I feel like I'm on...

Painkillers.

Would that be such a bad thing?

That would be a very bad thing.

But you love OxyContin.

Who said anything?

You. You did this to me.

Guilty as charged.

Why?

How?

In your smoothie, whoops.

Forgot to mention
that ingredient.

I can never remember recipes.

People are always
asking me about my burger

and I'm just like, I know
there's a spatula involved.

You said you prefer
acting fucked up.

You said you're better on it.

When did I say that?

June 28th, 2009,
Access Hollywood Inside Scoop.

How do you know all
these dates and pages?

I keep a stalkers
wall at my house.

Well, walls my entire place is
basically one big you collage.

You said you were on painkillers

when you did Angel School 3.

That movie kicked ass.

That movie sucked.

I've been clean for three years.

Do you know how
hard that was for me?

But you said you
do your best work on it.

You said so yourself.

I was probably high
when I said that.

If anything,
it hinders my performance.

Hinders,
see, this movie is so quotable.

Why did you do this to me?

I thought you would like it.

I thought it would
give you that extra push.

You took my money.

You took my jewelry,
you took my car,

you took my sobriety.

What more do you want from me?

Just-- just-- just a few
more things, not that much more.

Just a couple more things.

How much did you give me?

What dosage?

The whole bottle.

The whole bottle?

Yeah, but you only
took like three sips.

That's gonna kill me.

The whole bottle's
gonna fucking kill me.

Oh Janet, that's not
what's gonna kill you.

Action.

I'll get that in the morning.

Action.

I was gonna reupholster that,
anyway.

Action.

Those things are so stupid.

Cut, cut, cut.

Those are my cat's ashes.

Why would you do that?

See, but that's just it,
I didn't do it.

Gustav did it.

He can be a klutz,
but he means well.

But why would that
be a scene in your movie?

He's just going around
destroying things.

He likes her.

So he destroys her things?

Yeah, he's animal like that.
So is she.

They're a match made in heaven.

I'm sorry, Walter.

But I'm gonna have
to put my foot down.

This is bullshit,

and I will no longer

comply.

Won't you?

Please don't, I'll be good.

What are you doing?
Forget I said anything.

What's that, Janet?

Can't hear you.

There's something you
don't know about me, Janet.

I do not fuck around.

I should shoot this. Rolling.

Outtakes scene one. Action.

And cut.

Let's see if your fans still
adore you with nine toes, Janet.

Better yet, let's see if
they still think you're pretty

with one ear or no noses.

Can't hear you, Janet.
You're mumbling.

Didn't you take
voice and speech?

Someone hasn't been practicing
their tongue twisters.

Oh, come on, it's only a toe.

Actresses.

Can you imagine
if I hadn't dosed you,

you'd really be hurting.

So what do you say?

You gonna stop annoying the
shit outta me between scenes?

Yeah?

You gonna be
a good little actress

and stay in your lane?

Good.

You just needed a little
motivation, that's all.

What's my motivation?

Not getting all my
body parts ripped off.

Let's get you all patched up.

You know, when I was a kid,

my parents used to ship me off
to sleepaway camp each summer.

For everyone else,
that's the dream.

For me, it was a living hell.

Every summer,
it was the same story,

I got bullied
day in and day out.

Yeah, I got bullied in school,

but Jake.

Jake.

He took it to the next level.

He was relentless.

He abused me whenever
he got the chance,

mentally and physically,

it didn't matter where we were,

who was watching,
he'd cut me down and beat me up.

One night, I woke up
to get elbowed in the mouth.

Would you believe that,
he elbowed me in my sleep.

had to get dozen stitches on the
inside of my lip for that one.

But nothing happened to Jake,
nothing ever happened to Jake.

They just kept sticking
me back in his bunk every year.

So he could try
to outdo himself.

Anyway.

I know how you feel as well.

I'm sorry

you had to go through that,
Walter.

Me too.

I know how shit like that can
traumatize a person for life.

Now I see why you're
doing this to me

because other people
did it to you.

You really think so?

I know so.

This is all Jake's fault.

Exactly.

I'm damaged goods,
so I damage goods.

Thank you for bandaging
me up, Walter.

I'll always fix you up Janet.

-You know that, right?
-Yeah.

Huh?

I do, Walter.

Good.

You can only push a man
so far before he breaks.

I know.

I'm sorry for making
you rip my toe off.

I know.

It's like,
what were you thinking?

I wasn't.

And I'm sorry I've been
so critical of your movie.

It's really quite charming.

And besides I've
been in plenty of things

I thought would never
work out and they killed.

So you never know.

I haven't even read
the whole script.

I shouldn't judge
a book by its cover.

That's what I'm saying.

You know,
now that I think of it,

I know a producer

who loves this sort
of renegade type filmmaking,

you know, run and gun,

whatever it takes to
get the shot type deal.

I could connect you
with him if you want.

You'd do that for me?

Absolutely.

So.

What do you say,

we get a fresh start

and we finish your
movie without a hitch?

I'd I like that.

I would too.

Rolling. Scene 10 and action.

Cut.

-Can you look somewhere else?
-Totally.

5Scene 10, take two.

Action.

Cut.

I think I'm constipated.

This is probably
a stupid question,

but are you trying
to actually poop on camera?

Damn it, Janet. It's only
compelling if it's real.

You're right, you're right.

And I agree, I totally agree.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm here.

You could put me
out in the hallway.

No, she'd be in
the bathroom with him.

Right,

of course she would,
of course, right.

Scene 10, take three.

Action.

Fuck it, damn it, urgh.

Try singing the national anthem.

What?

You're putting too much
pressure on yourself.

Try clearing your mind.

The national anthem
usually works

because the tune meanders
and the lyrics are meaningless.

You can cut around it later.

♪ O say, can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hail'd ♪

♪ At the twilight's
last gleaming ♪

♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪

♪ Gave proof through the night ♪

♪ That our flag
was still there ♪

♪ O say,
does that star spangled ♪

♪ Banner ♪

♪ Yet wave ♪

♪ O'er the land ♪

♪ Of the free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

Brave.

Cut.

You got yourself a special
thanks credit, little lady.

Are you familiar with
the wheelchair dance?

I'm afraid, I'm not.

That's where a bunch of
cripples rent out a ballroom,

dance around in their
little wheelchairs.

How lovely.

I only ask 'cause that's
what we're doing

in the next scene.
Well, dolly dance.

No big deal, but I choreographed
a little something.

Fun.

Rolling.

Scene 11, try and keep up.

And action.

A five, a six,
a five, six, seven, eight.

- Whee!
- Ah.

Cut.

-You're a great dancer.
-You're not so bad yourself.

I better be,
I take it twice a week.

I've never taken it.

I guess some people
just have it.

I guess so.

That seems right, right?

He shits, then they dance.

I was gonna put to dance first,

but then I thought nothing
makes me wanna dance

more than after
I bomb swirl harbour.

Think about it.

I'm never as light on my feet

as I am after I launched
a sea pickle.

Honestly, it-- it's makes
perfect sense to me.

Then again,
nothing makes me wanna release

the hostages more than
after I dance,

'cause it jiggles them loose.
Classic which came first.

Luckily you don't
have to decide now,

if it doesn't feel right,
you can switch 'em in post.

Good point, look at you, Janet.

I'm digging the new vibes.

Might as well have
a good time with it.

I couldn't agree more.

Well, I probably could,
but I won't.

What scene are we on? Scene 12?

-Yes.
-Ah, yes.

-Scene 12. The grind.
-The what?

Oh, just a little something.

I'm gonna cut into
the dance number.

Just gimme that look again.
You know the one I mean,

the one where you gotta have
me with all your heart and soul.

Roger that, good buddy.

And action.

And do the look now, now, now.

And cut.

Ready for the big kiss?

Oh, yeah.

And...

action.

Want to like

do something?

What do you have in mind?

Kiss.

Wait a minute.

Are you asking me
to kiss you right now?

How could you tell?

It's just a hunch.

Wow, you're, like, real smart.

So, what do you say?

I think I can help
you with that.

And cut.

You licked my nose.

That's Gustav for you,
he's ravenous.

Could you wipe it off, please?

I thought we'd
go again, actually.

-Again?
-Yeah,

licking your nose like
that didn't feel right.

I agree.

From "You're so smart."

Scene 13.

Pick up.

And action.

Wow,
you're, like, real smart.

So, what do you say?

I think I can help
you out with that.

And cut.

Jesus fucking Christ, Walter,
what is fucking wrong with you?

There she is.

I'm sorry, I tried being
your good little actress,

but that was fucking foul.

I mean, I have had to kiss

some pretty repulsive
orifices in my day,

but that one takes the cake.

I'm sorry you had to
go through that as a kid,

but that does not
excuse your actions here.

God dammit, I'm Janet Gillespie!

People do not fuck with me.

Go through what?

What?

You said, "I'm sorry
you had to go through that.

But whatever,
whatever, blah, blah, whatever."

Your thing with Jake.
Could you wipe me off, please?

In a minute, just hang on.

How could I have
a thing with Jake

if I'm Jake?

Was I unclear about
which character

I played in that story?

I'm Jake.

I'm the bully in that equation.

You're Jake?

Yeah, I elbowed that kid
right in his fucking mouth.

Oh my God,
you're so fucking crazy.

Then who is Walter?

Nobody at all,
just some name I came up

with for the delivery guy.

But Jake,

Jake is somebody.

Please let me go, Walter,
Jake, whatever your name is.

Hang in there, Janet.
Just a few more scenes

and you won't have to
worry about me ever again.

Please,
please, please let me go.

Oh, you're so cute when you cry.

But your face
smells rancid.

What do you say we
get you all cleaned up?

And we're off.

So that's what you look
like without all that makeup on.

You always wonder what these
starlets look like in real life.

The answer: not hot.

This your makeup kit?

-Yes.
-Good.

Just gonna touch
you up for continuity.

Ready for the big reveal?

Yeah.

Eh?

Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

Boop.

I'mma go set the next scene.

Sorry for the wait.
Lighting's a bitch.

My fog machine
ran out of the fluid.

Now, if undo you,
you're not gonna run, right?

-Right Janet?
-No.

What are you gonna do to me?

What are you doing?

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no--
-That's it.

-Stop! Stop it!
-That's it.

Come on, you got this.

-Please.
-Come on, you got this.

-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-That's it.

Scene 14.

Rolling. And action.

Oh, my God!

And cut.

Fucking finally.

You raped me.

I did nothing of the sort.

Yes, you did, you raped me.

For your information, Janet,

Gustav and Claudia
had consensual sex.

You raped me,
you son of a bitch.

I can't even--
oh my God, you piece of shit.

You actually raped me.

Are you diseased?

Holy fucking shit, you raped me.

It's only compelling
if it's real.

So are you diseased or what?

You worry too much.
Gustav is clean.

I don't give
a shit about Gustav.

Are you clean,
whoever the fuck you are?

Well, I don't see how
that's any of your business,

but considering the fact
that that was my first time,

I think it's safe
to say that I'm clean.

That was your first time?

I saved myself for you, Janet.

Well, plus the countless
hookers that I dress like you

and hate fuck 'til it bled,
but...

Other than that, yeah.

Oh my God.

You fucking raped me.

It was just for the movie.

No,

that is not how it's done.

All right, let's just, uh--
let's just shoot the next scene.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You just raped me and you
wanna shoot the next scene?

Who the fuck do
you think you are?

No, I will no longer
be acting with you.

I'm done,
the movie's over, that's a wrap.

Come on,
it's just one more scene.

We're so close.

Fuck you.

Fuck you,
and fuck your fucking movie.

You drugged me. You tortured me.

You've humiliated me.
You degraded me.

Janet, let me ask you something.

Do you want me
to leave your house?

That's not rhetorical.

Do you want me
to leave your house?

Yes.

I want you to fucking leave,

leave and never come back.

Then you gotta finish my movie.
That's the deal we made.

I never made that deal.

But I never made that deal.

My toe hurts.

I need to go to the hospital.

Is this really

the last scene?

Yeah.

And you're really gonna leave?

Yes.

Then let's just fucking
get it over with.

And action.

How was that for you?

The sex?

Amazing, of course.

You made me come,
like, a thousand times.

You have a massive penis.

I do?

-Like you don't know.
-Stop.

No, really, you have the
biggest dick I've ever seen.

And trust me, I'm a huge slut.

Well, I used to be,
now I'm...

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm-- I'm still a huge slut.

Do you really mean it?

Yeah. I'm a gigantic slut.

No, about my dick.

Definitely.

You have the biggest
dick in the entire universe,

of all time.

-My insides are jumbly.
-My bad.

No, you're good.

Wanna go again?

I can't.

I have to take my billy goat

to the dermatologist.

Right, right, right.

So, anyway, back to your penis,

it's just so big and not
just long, but thick too,

and veiny, your vein alone is
larger than most male penises.

Definitely larger
than my last boyfriend.

And he's from Africa.

He's white,
but still he's from Rhodesia,

which technically
makes him African.

That's a shame.

He's gay anyway.

And what about my balls?

Did you, did you like my balls?

Your balls are phenomenal.

Perfect spherical shape,
good alignment.

Hairy, but not too hairy.
Very impressive.

And did you get the chance to

peruse my anal cavity at all?

Are you kidding?

I spent enough time down there.

It's delightful
Monsieur Reisenberg.

Truly exquisite,
no poo particles whatsoever.

So, just to overview?

To overview,
your penis is unmatched,

your balls are succulent,

and your anus unsullied.

I guess that's it, then.

I guess that's it.

Well...

have a nice life.

You as well too.

As well too.

Cut.

Ugh, that scene.

What about it?

It's just about
how big your dick is.

-That's your final scene?
-What are you talking about?

It's a great twist.

It's not a twist.

Agree to disagree, Janet.
That's a great twist,

but that's not the final,
final scene,

that's coming up next.
Jeez, making movies is tedious.

You said the last
scene was the last scene.

Well, that's just because
this next one's more

of a shot than a full scene.

And don't worry, you don't
have to look at the script,

there's no dialogue or anything.

Well, what is it?

Just this little
extra thing at the end.

-What kind of a thing?
-Oh, for fuck's sake,

just read it.

So he just--

he just kills her?

And if it's only compelling
if it's real, then...

- Then...
- You guessed it.

No, please, please,
Jake, don't do this to me.

Sorry, but I have to.

But why?

It's gotta look real, Janet.

It's called acting,
it's make believe.

-Well, not to me, it isn't.
-But it makes no sense.

-Why would he kill her?
-It makes perfect sense.

She's... got terminal cancer
and he's assisting her suicide.

Please, you can't
do this to me.

I can do whatever I want.

No, you can't.

I'll ruin the shot.

-How so?
-I'll flail, I'll--

-and I'll shake my head.
-That won't read.

Well, then I'll
scream the whole time

-and I'll fuck up your sound.
-Whatever.

Please, Jake.

You don't wanna do this.

No movie is worth
somebody's life, my life.

Do the right thing.

Forget the last scene.

Let me go, destroy the footage
and go on your way.

Please.

Please just go, just go.

I'd like to, I would.

You're gonna get
in trouble for this.

How so?

My face is never seen.

Aren't you gonna post it online?

-Yeah.
-Well, so they'll trace it

-back to your computer.
-So I'll use your computer.

I'm sorry, Janet,

but there's no Hollywood
endings in real life.

Claudia has to die.

-And so do you.
-But why?

-Tell me why!
-She wants to know why.

Does the name Jacob Romer
ring a bell?

Did you say Jacob Romer?

I sure did.

As in Jacob Romer,

the stalker who wrote
me all those crazy letters?

So you did get my letters!

Why didn't you
ever write me back?

-Oh my God.
-I needed you.

I had my own monsters, you know.

All I wanted from you was just--
just a little--

a little-- a little sympathy,
a little understanding.

You couldn't even gimme that.

I didn't understand

because I didn't
have any monsters.

You were writing to
the girl from Mother May I.

She was a character in a movie,
don't you see?

That wasn't me, that wasn't me.

Yeah, well,
by the time I figured that out

it only made me madder.
You tricked me.

It was just a movie.

I was just a little girl.

I'm so sorry that
I didn't write you back.

I--

I have a dad and he's sick

and I'm all he's got.

He has dementia and I'm
the one that takes care of him.

Please,
you don't have to do this.

♪ Once in a while ♪

♪ Occasionally lately ♪

♪ One in a while ♪

♪ Once in a while ♪

♪ Never again ♪

♪ Okay, well maybe, once in
a while, once in a while ♪

♪ What can I say ♪

♪ I thought
our love was codified ♪

♪ But to my surprise ♪

♪ Once in a while,
once in a while ♪

♪ Have mercy, have mercy on me ♪

♪ Go easy ♪
♪ Go easy ♪

♪ Have mercy, have mercy on me ♪

♪ Go easy ♪
♪ Go easy ♪

♪ 'Cause the two of us
will someday die ♪

♪ Can I get to know ya? ♪

♪ Can I get to know ya? ♪