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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:10,310 [theme music] 2 00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:13,346 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:13,446 --> 00:00:22,689 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry 4 00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:25,525 Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,330 Rich, I've got a sneaking suspicion these are going 6 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,532 to be the most gorgeous sunny-side-uppers 7 00:00:32,632 --> 00:00:33,800 ever made by a father. 8 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:37,003 Whether to eat them or have them preserved in plastic. 9 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,272 Oh, those are pretty. 10 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,041 OK, the last operation. 11 00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:45,011 Ah-ah, a little sticky. 12 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:45,912 There you go. 13 00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:47,113 Look at that. 14 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:49,549 Two absolutely perfect, unbroken yolks. 15 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,184 Rich-- ooh! 16 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:56,756 You made me break my yolks. 17 00:00:56,856 --> 00:00:58,158 I'm sorry. 18 00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,493 But look, you had to break them eventually, right? 19 00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,796 You'll never understand, will you? 20 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,830 Come on, Rich. 21 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,298 You're gonna be late for school. 22 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,700 Darling, have you heard a weather report? 23 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,836 No, I was trying to make perfect eggs. 24 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:11,805 Well, see if you can get one on the radio, will you? 25 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,573 I never know how to have a dress Ritchie for school. 26 00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:15,708 RITCHIE: I don't want to wear a goofy raincoat. 27 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,447 REPORTER (ON RADIO): On the West Side Highway, 28 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,749 traffic is backed up on the southbound lane. 29 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:24,317 Please use alternate routes. 30 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,186 The Grand Concourse and East River Drive 31 00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,021 are also heavily congested. 32 00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,456 Those are the alternate routes. 33 00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:34,094 Gonna be one of those days. 34 00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,695 Broken yolks, no alternate routes. 35 00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:37,163 What's gonna be next? 36 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,800 WOMAN (SINGING ON RADIO): It's time for the weather. 37 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:47,740 Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime, it's 38 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,810 always time for the weather. 39 00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,148 Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, 40 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,616 weather, weather, weather, weather, 41 00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,785 weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather. 42 00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:02,922 Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime. 43 00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,057 Weather, weather, weather, weather, 44 00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:05,325 weather, weather, weather-- 45 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,359 ROB: It's time for the weather, I think. 46 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,594 Oh. Well, thanks, darling. 47 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:08,795 I don't need it. 48 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:09,996 I just looked out the window, and it's raining. 49 00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:11,397 - Mm-hmm. - Bye. 50 00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:12,332 Bye. 51 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:13,933 I hate to wear a stupid raincoat. 52 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,401 REPORTER (ON RADIO): The forecast 53 00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:19,472 for the metropolitan area today is warm and cloudy. 54 00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:20,206 Wise guy. 55 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,374 Look out the window. 56 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,675 REPORTER (ON RADIO): And now back 57 00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,912 to music over WIFE, wife, the radio station 58 00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,815 most people are married to. 59 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,416 I'd like to have a divorce. 60 00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:32,385 REPORTER (ON RADIO): Here's a little tune that just came out. 61 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,987 Could be a real big one. 62 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:38,191 It's the Dum-Dums singing "Bupkis." 63 00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:39,359 "Bupkis"? 64 00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:40,960 DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) You 65 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:51,404 took my arm, a golden charm, a diamond mine, a love so fine, 66 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:52,205 yeah. 67 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,407 But what did I get from you? 68 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,375 Bupkis! 69 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:57,510 What did I get from you? 70 00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:58,878 Bupkis! 71 00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:04,517 Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you. 72 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:09,622 Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you. 73 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:14,994 Yeah, "Bupkis." 74 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:20,800 Right. 75 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:24,837 Hello? 76 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:25,838 Hi. 77 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:26,940 Listen, can I speak to you-- 78 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,341 is this WIFE? 79 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:30,109 Good, because I want to speak to your disk jockey. 80 00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,344 Yes, the morning man. 81 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:32,612 DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Bupkis! 82 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:33,846 Bupkis. 83 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:34,781 Hello. 84 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:35,982 Hi. 85 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:37,550 I just want to ask about that song you're playing. 86 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:39,452 Yeah, that's "Bupkis," right? 87 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,688 Can you tell me what the name is on the label? 88 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,456 Well, yeah, I know it's "Bupkis." 89 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,692 I mean, who wrote it? 90 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:46,659 Buzzy Potter? 91 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,561 Right, who else? 92 00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:49,262 Nobody? 93 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,030 Just Buzzy Potter? 94 00:03:51,130 --> 00:03:53,366 You're sure? 95 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,134 Yeah, thank you very much. 96 00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:58,471 Oh, yeah, it's a cute tune. 97 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,373 I thought it was cute when I wrote it. 98 00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,010 Hi, Rob. 99 00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:05,044 ROB: Hi. 100 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,116 Aren't you gonna hold the door open for me, gentleman Jim? 101 00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:11,117 I let you carry the coffee. 102 00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:12,352 What do you want? 103 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,188 Hi, Rob. Here's your coffee. 104 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:16,089 Hi, Sal. 105 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,790 Thank you. - There. 106 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:18,858 What you got there? 107 00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:20,560 Oh, all the music business trade papers. 108 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,495 Boy, I haven't looked at those since "Yuk-a-Puk" 109 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,098 slipped out of the top 50. 110 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,699 "Yuk-a-Puk" didn't slip. 111 00:04:26,799 --> 00:04:28,268 It was pushed. 112 00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:29,669 Hey, which one of these magazines 113 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,604 is the best indicator of the popularity of a song? 114 00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:33,006 Ah, they're all about the same. 115 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,574 Alan isn't gonna do another one of those satires 116 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:36,209 on rock and roll, is he? I hate them. 117 00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:37,110 I love them. 118 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:38,311 They're funny. 119 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,580 There it is, "Bupkis" by the Dum-Dums. 120 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:41,914 - That's not funny. - Yeah. 121 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,816 Well, just look in the new release list there. 122 00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:44,817 Hey, let me see. 123 00:04:44,917 --> 00:04:45,985 Here. 124 00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:46,886 "Bupkis." 125 00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,354 Hey, that's a real song. 126 00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:49,956 "Bupkis" is a Yiddish word meaning "nothing." 127 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:50,857 Yeah, I know. 128 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:51,791 I wrote that. 129 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:52,825 You wrote "Bupkis"? 130 00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:53,760 Yeah. 131 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,228 I learned a lot of good words when 132 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:56,663 I was in the Army from Saul Pomerantz-- 133 00:04:56,763 --> 00:05:01,000 "bupkis" and "shlemiel," "farblonjet," and "tzimmes." 134 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,301 Hey, your name isn't here. 135 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,437 It says by Buzzy Potter. 136 00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,873 You don't think any guy who wrote a song called "Bupkis" 137 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,175 recorded by the Dum-Dums is gonna use his real name, 138 00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:10,710 do you? 139 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,479 It just so happens I wrote that song with Buzzy Potter. 140 00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:14,781 Oh, and they left your name out? 141 00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:15,815 No, he left it out. 142 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,016 Oh, Potter's a crook? 143 00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,952 No, Petrie's a jerk. 144 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,155 Well, what'd you do this time? 145 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,323 Well-- what do you mean this time? 146 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:25,792 Want me to list it alphabetically? 147 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,560 First time you said you were a jerk, 148 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,296 you broke your tooth biting into a soft chicken sandwich. 149 00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:31,864 And then another time, you were hypnotized, 150 00:05:31,964 --> 00:05:34,534 and every time a bell rang, you acted like you were drunk. 151 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,602 How about the time he landed in the hospital 152 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,571 after he wrestled with a stuffed monkey? 153 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:39,672 What about when I left my script 154 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:40,873 at Grand Central Station? 155 00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,241 BUDDY: Oh-ho! And remember the time-- 156 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,276 That's enough. 157 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:44,644 I think we've proven what I am. 158 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:48,715 You guys remember Buzzy Potter? 159 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:49,982 Yeah, I remember Buzzy Potter. 160 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,551 Yeah? 161 00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,052 Yeah, he's the guy who wrote "Bupkis." you just told me. 162 00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:54,320 SALLY: Come on. 163 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,588 No, I don't think you guys ever met him. 164 00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:57,857 He was a guy I wrote songs with in the Army. 165 00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,525 A couple of months ago, he started calling 166 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:00,760 me on the phone, bothering me. 167 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,829 I finally ask him to come up here. 168 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:05,565 And we sat around talking about the good old days. 169 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:11,371 Uh, Corporal Bloom and Lieutenant Plahokiss. 170 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:12,672 That's it. - That's right. 171 00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,140 You remember the entire company. 172 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,408 Yeah, all 120 of them. 173 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,443 Those were the good old days. 174 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,978 And you forgot one guy, the drummer. 175 00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:19,879 What was his name? 176 00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:20,713 He had a crazy name. 177 00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:22,014 I don't remember any drummer. 178 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,182 So it was Six-- 179 00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:24,550 Sticks Rangoon? 180 00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,718 Oh yeah, that's it. Listen, do you remember-- 181 00:06:25,818 --> 00:06:27,019 No, that's not his name. 182 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,788 Not Rang-- how come you remember everybody, 183 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,089 but you don't remember the drummer? 184 00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:31,691 Who, drummers? 185 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,560 With all that noise they make, who can remember their names? 186 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:37,096 I do remember the first song you and I wrote together. 187 00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:37,997 Do you? 188 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:39,031 No. 189 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:45,071 (SINGING) Sergeant Foley is the guy 190 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,907 in charge of our platoon. 191 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:55,148 He bears a great resemblance to an anthropoid baboon. 192 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,251 Sergeant Foley, roly-poly Sergeant 193 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:03,489 Foley, the anthropoid baboon. 194 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,558 You know, I got two weeks in KP for doing that. 195 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:06,492 How come you didn't? 196 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,693 Well, that's the breaks. 197 00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,429 Music business is a crazy business. 198 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:13,633 Remember this from the revue we wrote? 199 00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:14,767 Oh, "It's a Funny War." 200 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:15,501 Yeah. 201 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:16,502 Oh, that's great. 202 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:17,737 I remember that. 203 00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:19,038 Let's see. 204 00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:23,209 (SINGING) I'm in love, I'm in love with Attila the Hun. 205 00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:26,379 Atilla the Hun, Atilla the Hun. 206 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:29,549 We'll pillage a village and kill everyone. 207 00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:33,319 I still love Atilla the Hun. 208 00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:34,987 That was a great song. 209 00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:37,290 Hey, listen to this. 210 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:41,394 (SINGING) She was the only girl I ever really loved, 211 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:43,596 the only love I've ever known. 212 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:46,332 But why, oh why, did she stand in front 213 00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:50,336 of the guns of Navarone? 214 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:51,704 Yeah, yeah, I remember that. 215 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:52,905 No, I just wrote that. 216 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:54,440 It's on the Alan Brady show next week. 217 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:55,541 I thought I wrote it. 218 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,410 Well, it just goes to prove to you, 219 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,045 you still write the best lyrics, Rob. 220 00:07:59,145 --> 00:07:59,979 Not really, Buzzy. 221 00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,113 Oh, yes you do. 222 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,648 Since I got out of the Army, I tried writing 223 00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,083 lyrics with 20 other guys. 224 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:07,086 And not one of them had that Rob Petrie touch. 225 00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:08,788 Oh, you're real talented. 226 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:12,158 But I got to admit, when I think of how lucky you've been, 227 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:13,993 I get a little jealous in here. 228 00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:16,996 Oh, well, well, I guess I've done OK. 229 00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:17,964 OK? 230 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,465 You're writing a top TV show, and I'm 231 00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:20,900 still trying to peddle songs. 232 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,202 Well, you know, Buzzy, you're gonna hit it someday. 233 00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:26,138 Well, I could, you know, if I had your help. 234 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,039 Look, Buzz-- 235 00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:28,007 Now, look. 236 00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:29,909 We got over 12 great tunes in here. 237 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,444 With a little work, they could all be hits. 238 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:32,478 Oh, Buzz. 239 00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:33,512 You know the odds against that. 240 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,647 Besides, I've got a job here. 241 00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:35,581 I haven't got the time. 242 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,183 That's why I'm here, Rob. 243 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,384 Give up this job. 244 00:08:38,484 --> 00:08:39,318 What? 245 00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,786 Give up this job! 246 00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,723 Look, we'll push the old tunes, and we'll sell new ones. 247 00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:45,024 Oh, look, Buzz-- 248 00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:46,158 Come on. 249 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,693 It'll be like the good old days in the Army. 250 00:08:47,793 --> 00:08:50,196 Well, to me, those days weren't all that good. 251 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:51,364 Now, look here. 252 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,834 We could work a few evenings a week! 253 00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:56,235 I like to go home after work. 254 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:57,169 Oh, yeah. 255 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,738 Sure, Rob. 256 00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:01,874 You got the job, and the home, and the wife, and the kids. 257 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:04,477 And I got nothing and nobody. 258 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:05,611 I'm sorry, Buzz. 259 00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,913 Well, being sorry doesn't help. 260 00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:08,414 I'm willing to give up everything 261 00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:10,483 I have to push these tunes. 262 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,652 And you're not willing to give up a thing. 263 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:13,920 I can't give up my job, Buzz. 264 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,288 What do you want me to give up? 265 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,389 I don't know, Rob. 266 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,392 That's your problem. 267 00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,894 Buzz, can I lend you some money? 268 00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,763 Oh, Rob. 269 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,632 The only other thing to give up are the tunes. 270 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,767 - Outright? - What? 271 00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:28,701 What do you mean, outright? 272 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,503 I mean, mine, 100%. 273 00:09:30,603 --> 00:09:31,437 Well, OK. 274 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:32,939 Well, OK, Rob. 275 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,974 If that's way you feel about it, we'll do it your way. 276 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,243 Well, Buzz, I hope you find one song in there that'll 277 00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,611 make you a couple of bucks. 278 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:40,079 Which one? 279 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,247 - Any one. - Oh. 280 00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:42,148 Well, OK, Rob. 281 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:42,982 Fine. 282 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,116 Let's do this again sometime. 283 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,351 (SINGING) I'm in love. 284 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,920 I'm in love with Attila the Hun. 285 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,328 So you gave him the whole trunk full of songs? 286 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,395 What else could I do? 287 00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:57,563 Anything but that. 288 00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,332 Boy, that was really stupid. 289 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,466 You think so too, Sal? 290 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,368 No, not at the time you did it. 291 00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,136 It was stupid at the time too. 292 00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,071 Get a lawyer. 293 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,405 Hey, my cousin Irving's a lawyer. 294 00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:07,306 Why do we need a lawyer? 295 00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,507 To sue Buzzy. 296 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,575 He stole half your songs, didn't he? 297 00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:10,876 Oh, didn't you hear? 298 00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,578 Mr. Nifty gave it to him. 299 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:13,813 In writing? 300 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,114 Well, it doesn't make any difference. 301 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,449 It's a verbal agreement. - Verbal, shmerbal. 302 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,050 You could be losing a fortune. 303 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,618 Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word? 304 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,321 My kind of guy. 305 00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:23,456 He set you up for it, didn't he? 306 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,057 Well, I'm not sure. 307 00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:25,992 But you suspect? 308 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,059 Um-- 309 00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:28,694 Then you need a lawyer, Irving the lawyer. 310 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,364 Oh, Buddy, will you cut it out with the lawyers? 311 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,698 Somebody's got to do something. 312 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,667 Rob, what did Laura say? 313 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,035 Nothing. 314 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,403 You mean she's that understanding? 315 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,005 Sure. 316 00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,307 Besides, I haven't told her yet, and I don't think I'm going to. 317 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,311 [music playing] 318 00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:57,857 If I could just find this one piece. 319 00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:04,030 It's mostly lake, and a duck's nose on it. 320 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:05,031 Nope. 321 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,500 Darling, will you help me with this? 322 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,335 Rob, you're staring at me again. 323 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:10,469 No, honey. 324 00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,405 I just noticed how cute you look. 325 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,340 I love your hair that way. 326 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,374 Well, thank you, dear. 327 00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,710 But I always wear it this way. 328 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:18,744 I've always loved it. 329 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,447 I just-- I meant to tell you. 330 00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,482 Is there anything the matter? 331 00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:24,817 No. 332 00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:26,118 No, I was just sitting here thinking, you know, 333 00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,020 honey, life's a lot like that jigsaw puzzle. 334 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:28,954 Oh? 335 00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:29,922 How? 336 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,357 Well, it's like a-- you know, a lot 337 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,893 of little meaningless pieces that you put together, 338 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,394 and then you see. 339 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:36,796 You understand everything, the whole picture, you know? 340 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,431 Like that farm in Vermont there. 341 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,032 No, that's Central Park. 342 00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:40,966 It is? 343 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,001 Funny. 344 00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,536 Upside down, that looks like Vermont. 345 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,804 That sure is. 346 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,038 Well, you see, everything looks different. 347 00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:49,275 Depends on your vantage point. 348 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,277 What-- what are you-- what piece are you looking for? 349 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,912 A duck's nose. 350 00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,380 Honey, that's a duck's bill. 351 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,414 I know. 352 00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:57,049 I just like to call it a nose. 353 00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:58,250 "Bill" sounds too snooty. 354 00:11:58,350 --> 00:11:59,185 Ha! 355 00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:00,453 I made a joke. 356 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:04,457 Oh, you're witty, nice hair, everything, nice smile. 357 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,760 You're OK, kid. 358 00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:11,664 Rob, do you have my nose? 359 00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:12,732 No, honey. No, see? 360 00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:13,666 I don't have it. 361 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,368 It's on here somewhere. 362 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,671 Hey, you remember Buzzy Potter? 363 00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:20,072 Buzzy Potter? 364 00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:20,806 Mm. 365 00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,608 Oh, from the Army. 366 00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:23,843 Yeah. 367 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,111 He dropped in to see me the other day. 368 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:25,811 Oh? 369 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:26,745 How is he? 370 00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,247 Oh, fine, fine. 371 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,783 I always felt kind of uncomfortable around him. 372 00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,852 Yeah, me too. 373 00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,920 I never understood how you two got along, 374 00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,389 much less write songs together. 375 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,225 He was kind of sleazy. 376 00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:39,959 Sleazy. 377 00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:41,727 Boy, right again. 378 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,262 And pretty bad songs too. 379 00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,364 Oh, wow. 380 00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:46,398 Whoo, boy. 381 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,967 The worst in the whole world. 382 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,636 I'm kind of embarrassed I wrote them. 383 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,671 You know what he wanted? 384 00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:54,106 - A taxicab. - Huh? 385 00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:55,774 Forget the nose. Look for a cab. 386 00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:56,742 It's this part here. 387 00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:57,943 Oh. 388 00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,481 Son of a gun, you know, wanted to team up again. 389 00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:04,517 Wanted us to be partners again. 390 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,684 What'd you say? 391 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,453 Well, I mean, what would you say? 392 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:08,621 Absolutely not. 393 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:09,622 Right. 394 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,456 That's exactly what I said. 395 00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:11,790 Good. 396 00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:12,925 - You want some coffee, honey? - Mm, thank you. 397 00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:14,160 I'd love some. 398 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,928 Yeah, well, I told him I'm too busy. 399 00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:17,530 That's for sure. 400 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,864 Right. 401 00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:21,066 You know, he wanted us to team up and rewrite 402 00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,535 some of the old songs. 403 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,470 And I said, like you said, I said, they're terrible. 404 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,771 Oh, good. 405 00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:26,872 Yeah, right. 406 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,674 That's what I said. 407 00:13:28,774 --> 00:13:31,777 Well, he was persistent, you know? 408 00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,814 And I-- you know, I was very firm with him. 409 00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,048 Very good. 410 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,082 Yeah. 411 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:42,555 Well, you know, you know what I did? 412 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,258 You don't know what I found out. 413 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,226 What, dear? 414 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,861 Well, I-- you know, it did get him 415 00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,196 out of my hair and everything. 416 00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,665 I just-- I gave him the songs outright. 417 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,033 That's all. 418 00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,801 Well, I wouldn't have done that. 419 00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,703 You wouldn't have done that? 420 00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,004 Oh, no, Rob. 421 00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,539 They might have been rotten songs. 422 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:03,676 But you know, I hear a lot of rotten songs on the radio, 423 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:04,910 and they're big hits. 424 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,214 Well, yeah, but I felt sorry for him. 425 00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:10,482 Well, that's that's very sweet of you, darling. 426 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:13,118 But you know, suppose one of those songs that you 427 00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:15,454 gave away became a huge hit. 428 00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:18,090 I mean, you'd probably feel awful ridiculous, 429 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,961 sit around here with your mouth open and blinking your eyes. 430 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:27,399 Rob, you're blinking your eyes. 431 00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:28,467 Rob? 432 00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,869 Honey, you can't classify it as a hit-- 433 00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,004 yet, anyway. 434 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:33,472 LAURA: What? - "Bupkis." 435 00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:34,840 - What? - "Bupkis." 436 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:35,741 Oh yeah. 437 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:36,709 I remember that one. 438 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:37,710 That's a hit? 439 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:38,711 Oh, no. 440 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,212 I just-- I don't know. 441 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,014 I just heard it this morning. 442 00:14:42,114 --> 00:14:43,182 Where? ROB: On the air. 443 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:43,916 Where? 444 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,150 On the radio. 445 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,453 The Dum-Dums made a recording of it. 446 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,621 Is it a hit? 447 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:49,755 Well, no, honey. 448 00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,924 You can't-- "bupkis" is a Yiddish 449 00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,626 word that means "nothing." 450 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,560 Rob? 451 00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,495 And "Bupkis" is-- 452 00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:57,997 "Bupkis" is going to just turn out to be 453 00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:00,199 that, I think, just bupkis. 454 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:04,169 Well, you know, I mean, it might turn out to be a-- 455 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:09,942 what is the Yiddish word for, oh boy, did I goof? 456 00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:13,612 Try "oy vey." 457 00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:14,747 Oy vey. 458 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,348 Oh, that works fine. 459 00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:19,318 Very good. 460 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,487 DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --what you'll get from me. 461 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,888 Bupkis! 462 00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:28,661 Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me. 463 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:33,832 Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me. 464 00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:35,067 Bupkis! 465 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:39,805 See, honey? 466 00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:40,773 Stinks! 467 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,208 It's a stinker, isn't it? 468 00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:44,777 Enough to be a big hit. 469 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,812 Oh, it's not that bad. 470 00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:50,983 Well, he-- look, he's only sold one record of it so far. 471 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,751 Does Buzzy get a royalty on it? 472 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,487 Well, $0.02 on a record. 473 00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:59,291 Darling, how much is a million times $0.02? 474 00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:03,195 Oh, honey, I'll never see the day that sells a million. 475 00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:05,264 How can you be so sure? 476 00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:09,535 If this reaches a half a million, I'll kill myself. 477 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:14,740 Look, just for fun, just for fun, how much is a million 478 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,709 times a couple of pennies? 479 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,977 Well, I don't know. 480 00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,580 2, uh, 20-- 481 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:22,514 I don't know. 482 00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:23,349 I don't know. 483 00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:24,750 Two million pennies, that's all. 484 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:25,784 Two million pennies? 485 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:26,752 Well, only a million. 486 00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:28,253 I'd only get half, anyway. 487 00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:31,023 Oh, would you just think what we could 488 00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:33,959 get with one million pennies? 489 00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:34,893 Copper poisoning? 490 00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:36,128 LAURA: Oh. 491 00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:37,363 Hey, I'm a dope. I don't know what-- 492 00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,331 I gave him the song. I gave him my word. 493 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:40,265 That is it. 494 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:41,633 Unless-- 495 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,634 Unless what? 496 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,436 Well, unless he tricked me. 497 00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:45,804 Tricked you? 498 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,741 Well, no, forced me into a position where I had to do what 499 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,641 I did. 500 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,343 Is he that smart? 501 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,545 You mean, am I that dumb? 502 00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:57,282 Well, it sounded nicer the other way. 503 00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,717 No, honey, if I gave him the record, 504 00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:00,652 I'm just going to have to be a good sport about it 505 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:01,787 and live with it. 506 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,422 Yeah, but if he connived and took 507 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,990 advantage of your good nature-- 508 00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,658 For which I am very well known. 509 00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:07,993 Yes. 510 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,228 Well, then you'd have every right in the world 511 00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:10,596 to do something about it. 512 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,698 It's a tricky situation. 513 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,832 He didn't trick me into it. 514 00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,000 I just got to live with it. 515 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,969 If I could only talk to the guy. 516 00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:19,705 Better yet, better yet, write to him. 517 00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:20,773 Yeah. 518 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,007 Why is that better yet? 519 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,709 Write him a note congratulating him 520 00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:25,144 on his success! - Wait a minute. 521 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,512 What do you see that I don't see here? 522 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,147 Well, darling, when he gets your note, 523 00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,115 if he's any kind of a nice guy at all, 524 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,617 he'll get in touch with you. 525 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,085 And who knows? 526 00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,086 Oh yeah. 527 00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:35,888 And if he's not a nice guy-- 528 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,624 Well, write to him and find out. 529 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:39,725 Ah, no, wait a minute. 530 00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:43,162 You do the writing, and I am gonna dictate. 531 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:46,832 Honey, look. 532 00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:47,866 Don't mind, just write. 533 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,235 I'll finish it myself later. 534 00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:54,006 OK, you watch, and I'll write. 535 00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,307 You broke my yolks. 536 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:04,850 Hi, Rich. 537 00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,119 Hi, Dad. 538 00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:08,754 What's the matter? 539 00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:09,688 "Bupkis." 540 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,856 Again? 541 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:11,890 Yeah. 542 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,926 The kids keep saying I'm a liar. 543 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,093 Look, Rich. 544 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,295 I'm telling you once and for all, pay 545 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,529 no attention to what they say. 546 00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,298 I'm telling you that I wrote that song, 547 00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,532 and that's all that matters. 548 00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,901 But they say, if you wrote the song, 549 00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,503 your name would be on the record. 550 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,906 Rich-- well, that's a pretty good argument. 551 00:18:28,006 --> 00:18:29,241 Well, what do you say? 552 00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,009 What you told Mommy last night. 553 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,611 What's that? 554 00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:36,081 That Buzzy Potter's a rat for not even calling or anything, 555 00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:38,951 and if you ever saw him, you'd break his nose. 556 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,385 I never said I'd break his nose. 557 00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:43,989 I put that in to make you sound tough. 558 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:45,791 Thanks. 559 00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:47,159 LAURA: Rob, is that you? 560 00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:48,694 You just do your homework and forget about it. 561 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:49,995 Coming. 562 00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:51,196 Hi. 563 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,167 That wasn't the greatest kiss in the whole world, 564 00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,269 but up till now, it's the high point of my day. 565 00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,138 Well, then you better get ready for the low. 566 00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,305 Huh? 567 00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:02,741 Mr. Potter has replied indirectly. 568 00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,344 Sunderland, Sachs, and Engelhart, attorneys at law? 569 00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:07,112 Why would attorneys be writing me? 570 00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,480 Maybe to tell you something legal? 571 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,515 Well. 572 00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,419 Dear Mr. Petrie, your kind note of congratulations 573 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,456 to Mr. Potter prompted us to take this opportunity 574 00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:21,460 to ask for your signature on the enclosed document, which states 575 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,962 you relinquish to him all rights to songs 576 00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,130 you previously owned jointly. 577 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,698 Why those dirty-- 578 00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:29,101 Those dirties go on to say that your verbal agreement is 579 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:32,004 quite binding, but it would be nice to have it in writing, 580 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:32,938 legally. 581 00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,473 Oh, it would, would it? 582 00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:35,974 LAURA: You're not gonna sign it, are you? 583 00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:37,009 Oh, yes. 584 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,777 How do you like my penmanship? 585 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,748 We were worried about ethics, and morals, and your good word. 586 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,484 You want to hear a couple of good words? 587 00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,019 Rob, what are you gonna do? 588 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:48,287 Tell you what I'm gonna do-- 589 00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,655 exactly what I can do. 590 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,089 Nothing. 591 00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:52,357 Nothing? 592 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:53,725 Well, I talked to our lawyer, honey. 593 00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,561 The verbal agreement is valid in court. 594 00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:58,297 The only thing this letter does is just change my attitude. 595 00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,732 Before, I felt stupid and suspicious. 596 00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:02,901 But now I'm furious. 597 00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:04,269 You know what you ought to do? 598 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,471 You ought to go see Mr. Potter. 599 00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:07,539 Oh, no. 600 00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:09,841 But I'm gonna go pay Mr. Potter a visit. 601 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,243 Darling, I just said that. 602 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:12,945 Well, what difference does it make who said it, 603 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,846 as long as I do it? 604 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,782 Rob, you're eating raw fish. 605 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,217 You're telling me. 606 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:23,488 [music playing] 607 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,112 When did Mr. Potter say he'd be back? 608 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:48,280 Well, with him, you never know. 609 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,281 He's a real operator. 610 00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:50,248 Yeah, I know. 611 00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:53,785 I'm one of his operations. 612 00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,020 What do you know? 613 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,055 If Frank Sinatra would sing this, it would be a hit. 614 00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:58,624 Listen. 615 00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:01,593 If Frank Sinatra would sing that song, it'd be a miracle. 616 00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:03,295 Well, what does he know? 617 00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,897 Timmy Tone Deaf. 618 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,132 Is Mr. Sharazan in? 619 00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:08,400 No, all three of them are out. 620 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,035 They won't be in today until tomorrow. 621 00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,737 Anybody here from Anvil Music? 622 00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,072 We don't have an Anvil Music here. 623 00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:15,674 It's right on the door. 624 00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:16,508 How about that? 625 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:17,909 Boy, they come and go here. 626 00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,151 Excuse me, miss. 627 00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:27,686 Oh, hello. 628 00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:31,023 For the 14th time, Sticks Mandalay to see Buzzy Potter. 629 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,225 RECEPTIONIST: Well, for the 15th time, he ain't in, 630 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:34,826 Mr. Mandalay. 631 00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:36,695 STICKS: And for the 16th time, I don't have all day to waste. 632 00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:38,797 And the longer I wait, the rougher it's gonna be on him. 633 00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:39,765 RECEPTIONIST: Good. 634 00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:40,999 He's not my favorite person either. 635 00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:41,767 Sticks. Sticks, not Rangoon. 636 00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:42,801 Sticks Mandalay. 637 00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:44,736 Sticks Mandalay! 638 00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:45,504 Yeah. 639 00:21:45,604 --> 00:21:47,239 Rob Petrie, Camp Crowder. 640 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:48,473 Hey, how are you? 641 00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:50,208 Just great, Sticks. How you been? 642 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,576 Oh, fine. 643 00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:52,811 But I haven't been Sticks for about 10 years. 644 00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:54,880 I gave it up when I gave up the drums. 645 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:55,947 It's Frank. 646 00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,582 Well, I'm sorry to hear that. 647 00:21:57,683 --> 00:21:59,584 Well, I mean, Frank's a great name. 648 00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:01,353 But I'm sorry you gave up the sticks. 649 00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:02,954 You were a great drummer. 650 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,423 Thanks. 651 00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:05,924 Well, I still, you know, paradiddle every now and then 652 00:22:06,024 --> 00:22:07,859 when I went my wife and kids to know I'm still around. 653 00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:09,728 I just use Sticks for the old Army guys. 654 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,797 Hey, you know, I ran into Buzzy Potter the other day, 655 00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,999 and I couldn't remember your name to save me. 656 00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:15,400 What? 657 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,668 Well, I mean, I couldn't remember anybody's name. 658 00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:18,403 But Buzz Potter ran through the-- reeled 659 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,671 off every name in the company. 660 00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:21,039 And he couldn't remember your name. 661 00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:22,074 Uh-huh. 662 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,642 He'd like to forget I'm alive. 663 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:25,043 Why? 664 00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:28,213 Well, you see, when he and I were at Camp Crowder together-- 665 00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,247 are you and he friends? 666 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,415 Not at all. 667 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,650 And what are you doing here? 668 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,719 Well, I don't know, Sticks. 669 00:22:33,819 --> 00:22:36,455 I'm either gonna talk to him or punch him in the mouth. 670 00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,690 For that, you gotta stand in line. 671 00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:39,624 No kidding. 672 00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:40,625 You too? 673 00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:42,094 He's got the whole ex-Army after him. 674 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,595 And a couple ex-wives too. 675 00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:45,097 What are you sore at him for? 676 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,064 Nothing. 677 00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:46,965 Nothing? 678 00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:48,100 Yes, he's like-- 679 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,334 I told you, Mr. Potter isn't here. 680 00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,268 [interposing voices] 681 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,169 Oh, oh, oh. 682 00:22:51,269 --> 00:22:52,270 Well, well! 683 00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:53,271 The guest of honor. 684 00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:54,940 - Hi, Buzzy. - Hi, dolls. 685 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,007 Come on. 686 00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:58,176 We want to talk a little business with you. 687 00:22:58,276 --> 00:22:59,978 Couldn't we make an appointment? 688 00:23:00,078 --> 00:23:01,346 This is the appointment. 689 00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:02,848 Did you think you could get away with it? 690 00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:04,049 Buzzy, you took-- 691 00:23:04,149 --> 00:23:05,550 Why'd you do it, Buzzy? 692 00:23:05,650 --> 00:23:08,453 Well, after you shipped out, I heard 693 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:09,654 you were killed in action. 694 00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:10,355 Where? 695 00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:11,590 There was no war then. 696 00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:14,993 Well, I thought that was strange. 697 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,628 But I tried to find you. 698 00:23:16,728 --> 00:23:19,431 Why didn't you look out here, or answer my letters? 699 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:20,766 Well, I would have answered your letters. 700 00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:22,400 But I didn't know it was you. 701 00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:24,503 How many Sticks Mandalay do you know? 702 00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:26,271 Counting yourself? Why, there's one in Ohio. 703 00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:27,572 Oh, Buzzy, come on. You took it-- 704 00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:28,540 - Hold it, Rob. - Go ahead. 705 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,742 You look madder than I do. 706 00:23:30,842 --> 00:23:32,310 All I know is you stole "Nothing." 707 00:23:32,410 --> 00:23:33,278 "Nothing"? 708 00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:34,646 Well then, what are you-- 709 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:36,414 "Nothing"? "Bupkis." 710 00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,416 "Nothing" is "Bupkis." 711 00:23:37,516 --> 00:23:39,851 No, "Bupkis" is "Nothing." 712 00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:43,155 I wrote a tune called "Nothing," and he turned it into "Bupkis." 713 00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,323 No, I turned it into "Bupkis." 714 00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:47,058 You wrote the lyrics? 715 00:23:47,159 --> 00:23:47,959 You wrote the tune? 716 00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:48,693 Yeah. 717 00:23:48,794 --> 00:23:49,628 Well, fellas, what-- 718 00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:50,562 What did he write? 719 00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:51,797 I'll be going. 720 00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:54,232 He wrote his name on the music sheet. 721 00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:56,435 Oh, Buzzy, you're not just a wheedler, you're a crook. 722 00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:57,335 Enough, fellas. 723 00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:58,703 Let's go talk business. 724 00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:00,005 Come on. 725 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:00,939 Hey, Buzzy! 726 00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:01,740 Hey, Buzzy! 727 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:02,774 Congratulations on "Bupkis." 728 00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,075 You got another one coming up? 729 00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:07,579 Sheila, get me a lawyer. 730 00:24:07,679 --> 00:24:09,481 Why can't I think of something like that? 731 00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:10,982 Sheila, get me a lawyer. 732 00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:16,488 Hello, family. 733 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:18,056 Hi, darling. 734 00:24:18,156 --> 00:24:19,891 Is that for me? 735 00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:21,059 That is for us. 736 00:24:21,159 --> 00:24:22,527 What is it? 737 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:23,862 I'll show you. 738 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:26,998 It is a framed copy of "Bupkis," with the names 739 00:24:27,098 --> 00:24:29,734 Mandalay and Petrie clearly printed beneath the title. 740 00:24:29,835 --> 00:24:31,069 Hey. 741 00:24:31,169 --> 00:24:35,941 And my first royalty check for the sum of 984 pennies. 742 00:24:36,041 --> 00:24:37,242 That's for the first three months. 743 00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:39,711 $9.84? 744 00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:40,912 Don't get your hopes up, honey. 745 00:24:41,012 --> 00:24:42,881 I'm afraid they won't all be that big. 746 00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:43,882 Oh. 747 00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:47,853 [music playing] 748 00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:55,694 [theme music] 50481

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