All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E22

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

You're a sweetheart, sweetheart.

The greatest guy I ever met and anything I ever said

about you before, forget it.

You're a prince among men, Mel, believe me.

I don't believe you.

Either we're in the wrong office

or this is the "Twilight Zone".

Sally, Rob.

- You two are shaking hands. - Yeah.

No, no.

No, he was shaking mine.

Well, that's crazy enough.

Why were you shaking his hand?

Because there's money in it.

Is it money?

The Alan Brady is gonna do several network specials,

and he's decided to reuse the Civil

War sketches that you wrote.

So you'll be paid, again, full-price.

Full price?

Hey, that's great.

When do we get it?

I already got mine.

Oh, good.

I've already spent mine.

Hey, Sal, don't you think it was great?

Mel's own idea to repeat the sketch.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I knew it the minute I saw a guy with a head

like a light bulb, it was bound to light up

with something good.

Buddy, will you cut that out?

That was really nice.

I liked it better when he hated me.

Come back tomorrow.

[laughs]

Hey, how about this?

Boy, this money sure came out the blue, didn't it?

Rob, what are you gonna do with your windfall?

Oh, I don't know.

Put it in the bank, probably.

That's what I like, a gambler.

Why, what are you gonna do with yours?

Well, I always said, if I ever got extra loot,

I'm gonna invest it.

SALLY ROGERS: Yeah, me too.

I think I'll buy my sister a mink coat.

You haven't got a sister.

Oh, good.

Then I'll buy it for me.

What are you gonna invest in Buddy?

What I'd always said I'd invest in if I ever got loot,

my Uncle Lou's shoe store.

And if you guys were smart, you'd invest in it with me too.

What is with you and that shoe store?

It's a good business.

And with a little extra money, could be a great business.

Come on, what you got to lose?

Our money.

You can't lose.

If anything goes wrong, I can always be your hostage.

You're not worth that much.

Oh.

Now wait a minute.

Now you can't rush into these things.

You gotta think of all the business angles.

She's right.

Ah, is it a good location?

Yeah, and how's his credit rating

and are there any single men working there

who are tall with sideburns?

Why don't you shut up.

Yeah.

Hey, how is the location?

Good, right by the subway.

Well, are there any tall single guys

there with sideburns? - What?

You take care of you, I'll take care of you.

Deal.

Ah, come on, kids.

The least we can do is go down and look at it.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to go down and look at it, I guess.

And uncle Lou's a great shoe salesman.

He's the greatest in the business.

Look, he sells shoes like I write jokes.

He sells old shoes?

Uncle Lou.

Hey, [inaudible].

- Hiya, boy. - How are you?

You look wonderful.

You know Rob and Sally.

Of course, we met at that party you had last year.

10 D, 6 and 1/2 B, right?

Right.

That's right.

I never forget a foot.

Hey, Lou, ring this up.

I got a winner, Mrs. Shopping Bag.

Wait a minute.

I want to introduce to you my crack salesman, Sid Feldman.

These are my two new partners.

Hello, Sid.

Hello, hello.

So you're gonna invest?

So I can [inaudible] to business.

Well, maybe.

Sal and-- and Rob, they might invest too.

Well, ah, you know, we'll discuss it.

Mhm.

Well, come on in the back and we'll relax in my office.

This is your office?

It looks like a voting booth.

This is my profit statement for the last quarter.

Mhm.

My expense sheets are here, my inventory here.

That's a very, very interesting

filing system you have there.

Lincoln had his office in his hat.

Sorrell had his office in his coat.

I told you this was a growing business, Rob.

I remember when he used to keep those records in his sweaters.

Here's the sheet, see.

My full time man Sid and my part time man.

Mm-hmm.

Now with a little extra capital,

I could add some stock, I could put on a new man

and maybe put up a new storefront.

Hey, we're Sally?

She wanted to hear about this.

Oh, Sally, would you come here a minute?

SALLY ROGERS: Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, how about the investment?

Yeah, I am.

I mean investing in the store.

What do you think?

Well, it's novel, but you should wear gloves.

Sal, you missed all the facts and figures,

but it looks like a good proposition.

Oh, yeah?

SID: So it's a little tight in the toe.

I'll put it on our automatic stretching machine.

Hey, where's that broom?

Mhm.

Mrs. Shopping Bag said she bought them too tight.

If that doesn't feel good, give her a refund.

That's a good way to do business.

Sure, sure.

With my commission, he's a big hero.

Is he always happy like that?

So this is the automatic shoe stretching machine, huh?

Yeah.

In fancy shoes, they have the big stretching machine.

And inside the machine, there's a broom.

We sell bargains, not fancy.

Well, Mrs. Rogers, you think you wanna be an investor?

I think I'll spend my extra bonus

money on self-improvement.

You mean, you're-- you're out of our deal?

Right.

I'm thinking why should I give him a new front

when I could use one myself.

Oh, listen, uncle Lou.

Where, ah-- where are the imported evening shoes?

Right next to the sweat socks.

Boy, that's classy.

We better invest while she's still buying.

You know, Lou, it's looking like a good proposition,

but I'd like to talk it over with my wife.

We could use that money for so many other things.

Laura, you're trying to turn that bonus

into underwear money.

- Underwear money? - Yeah.

Boy, I'll never forget.

When I was about 10 years old, my Aunt Olive

gave me a surprise Christmas gift of $5.

And I thought about all the great toys

I could buy with that and my mother

made me buy underwear with it.

Well, maybe you needed underwear.

Well, of course, I needed it.

The whole world needs underwear.

But it's just $5 and my bonus are not for things you need.

They're for things you want, honey.

Underwear is not the most important

thing in the whole world.

Unless you're wearing a tweed suit.

[laughs]

Honey, if I'm in the shoe business,

I will bring home little surprises like this more often.

Yeah.

Do you like the shoes I bought you?

Ooh, darling, boy, they're striking.

Gee, thank you.

Why don't you try them on and see if they fit?

Ah, well, darling, my feet are a little swollen from shopping.

I'll try them on later.

OK.

Honey, I just thought about another argument in my favor

for buying the shoe store.

Well, we're not arguing, darling.

Oh, I know we're not arguing, and you know we're not arguing.

But if another guy came in here, he'd say, we're arguing.

So let's just argue.

OK, what's your argument?

We need some good investments working for us.

Well, I agree, darling, but I think

we should invest in something more

substantial or at least more exciting than a shoe store.

What's more exciting than a discount shoe store?

Right, a lot of things.

Yeah.

Honey, that's-- that's not why you invest.

You invest to make money.

OK, what about AT&T?

AT&T is just like underwear.

You can rely on it, you don't want to show it to people.

The thing about a discount shoe store is it's a real place.

You can take friends there, listen to the cash register

ring and Ritchie can play with empty boxes and shoes spoons--

Horns.

Horns, yes.

It's just something we've always wanted, a discount shoe store.

Well, darling, look.

If your secret desire has been to own a discount shoe store,

how could I possibly stand in your way?

Call Lou, go on.

Honey, I love you.

You're gonna love that shoe store when you see it tomorrow

too. - Tomorrow?

Yeah, when you take those shoes back to exchange.

Oh, Rob, I told you I like them.

Yeah, you told me you like them

the same way you told me you like that dress

I brought you from Mexico.

- What dress? - You know, the--

[stumps foot]

Oh, the orange one with the bull on it.

That's right, that's--

it'll land at the top of your class right now.

Well, look, darling, maybe I can still wear the dress.

I mean, [chuckles] now I have shoes to match.

I'll return it tomorrow.

SID: It looks like a 6B with a 7 [inaudible] What's

the matter with these people?

Gee, it's not exactly Fifth Avenue,

but I can smell the bargains.

Well, you can see them.

Would you look at the price of these shoes?

Gee, I can't get over it. It's all yours.

Oh, no.

Millie, it's not like that at all.

Can I help you?

Oh, yeah, I'd like to return my shoes.

Oh, perfect.

Sit down.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Hey, he didn't even know you.

It's like in "Shakespeare" when the kings and queens

used to dress up in dirty clothes and go

mingle with the peasants.

Oh, Millie, don't be so dramatic.

Rob only has a tiny share of this place.

Yeah, but you're still an owner.

You're a shoe tycoon or was it a tycoonist?

LAURA PETRIE: Well, whatever it is I am,

I'm certainly not getting much service.

[cash register dings]

You just made money sitting right here.

You just made money. - Yeah.

[chuckles]

Hey, I wonder how much your cut is.

Oh, Millie, don't be silly.

MILLIE HELPER: Oh, I'm so excited for you, Laura.

LAURA PETRIE: [clears throat]

Ah, you're next, you're next.

All Jerry ever invests in is dull old mutual funds.

Oh, well, mutual funds are very good.

Yeah, but it's just a hunk of paper.

This is a slice of life.

I mean, there's so many feet in the world.

You know, I think that man is purposely avoiding us.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna get a discount, aren't I?

I mean, how much is a friend's discount, a close friend

who's also a neighbor and sometimes babysits for you?

I just don't understand why that man won't wait on us.

Since you went into business, you're

getting very hard, Laura.

Ah, sir.

Huh?

Could you help me now?

All right, all right.

What's your problem?

Ah, well, my husband bought the shoes

and I'd like to exchange them.

Mm-hmm.

What wrong with them?

I don't like them.

Look, lady, we don't like to make exchanges.

Tell him who you are.

We're-- no, never mind.

I'm just a customer.

I'm her best friend.

SID: Mhm.

What do you want to exchange them for?

Well, I'd like something in a green, mid-heel.

Ha.

Look, ah, lady, you got a bargain.

Why don't you keep them?

Because I don't like them.

Neither do I.

Mm-hmm.

I'm glad we all voted.

[inaudible] mid-heel, green.

I haven't got a green mid-heel.

Oh, well, what do you have?

Black or purple, take it or leave it.

Well, see, I'm trying to match a green dress.

It's sort of muted tones of green.

Look, lady.

I'm not a fashion expert.

Take purple, it goes with everything.

But you see, I don't like purple.

Look, I'm sorry to be so much trouble.

You're no trouble.

[chuckles] I wish I had 1,000 customers like you.

You do?

Yeah, I got 2000.

Mind your attitude.

What's that?

I don't like your attitude.

You don't like my attitude?

[chuckles] What do you want, attitude or shoes?

Say, the customer is always right.

Hey, that's a catchy phrase.

I'll remember that.

And I'll remember you.

Come on, Millie.

Don't you want your money for the shoes?

No, no, thank you.

I'll just send my husband in.

Yeah, you don't know who her husband is.

But I'm lucky I got to meet you.

Listen, it's people like you that make

everybody buy mutual funds.

Kinda nut.

I mean it, Rob.

I haven't met such a rude man since you introduced me

to that aunt of yours.

Darling, I really think you should call Lou and tell him.

Oh, honey, I don't know.

It's none of my business.

Rob, it is your business because it is your business.

Well, I-- technically, but Lou should know this guy's work.

The guy you just described is his full time man.

Darling, you know that I wouldn't

be this upset over nothing.

I know, that's what upsets me.

I just hate butting in down there.

I'm just a silent partner.

Nobody likes a loud silent partner.

All right, well, maybe I should tell Lou then.

No.

The only thing that's worse than the loud silent partners,

is a loud silent partner's wife.

Darling, having a salesman who chases away customers

is just plain silly.

Yeah, I know.

But I just--

I hate going in and telling on anybody.

Hey, I just cracked those.

Well, you cracked a whole pile of them.

ROB PETRIE: I know.

You know I like to eat them all at once.

Crack your own.

Don't change the subject.

You going to tell Lou or not?

I should think as an investor, you'd

want to protect your interest.

Yeah, well, if I'm going in to protect my investment,

I want to take Buddy.

I don't want to protect my interests all by myself.

Good.

And you can exchange my shoes at the same time.

Two days in the shoe business, already I'm a heel.

No, you're not.

You're a very nice man who just made a terrible pun.

I do not make terrible puns.

Give me the nutcracker, sweetie.

I made it up.

SID: [mumbling]

Hello, there.

Well, the new partners, huh.

What can I do for you?

Well, we'd like to talk to you.

Oh.

Sit down, I'll be with you in a minute.

I still think we're doing the wrong thing.

I feel like a fink.

I know.

But if there's a bad salesman on the floor, we gotta tell Lou.

I mean, it's our duty.

We're executives.

That's what I feel like, an executive fink.

If you're looking for Lou, he's out to lunch.

Did you want something?

Well--

Go ahead, Rob, tell him.

[clear throat] Well, I wonder if I

could exchange these shoes.

- What's the matter with them? - Well, I bought them--

I [clears throat] bought it for my wife, the other day,

and I want to exchange them.

She was in yesterday.

Yeah, I remember those.

Is that your wife?

Not bad, not bad.

ROB PETRIE: Well, she was.

I mean, she is.

That's-- that was her and that's my wife.

So why didn't you tell me she was your wife?

I don't know.

I don't seem to me that it should make any difference.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Well, I just mean I think you should treat

all customers with the same courtesy,

whether it's my wife, just everybody.

You see me wait on everybody?

Oh, no, no.

You got a camera hidden in the patent leathers or something?

All I wanna--

Look, I've been in the business 27 years.

You're in three days, you're gonna

tell me how to sell shoes?

But no, I'm not trying.

I'm just talking about the treatment of customers in here.

Now my wife--

Oh, your wife said, now she's an authority.

Now look, this man--

If you wanna fire me, pal, fire me.

I don't need these things. I got my own troubles.

Leave me alone.

I don't have the authority to fire anybody.

Oh, you haven't any authority?

Well, then I got a right to quit.

And here, here's my resignation.

Treat him any way you want, Mr. Charm.

I don't take orders from any college boys.

You take care of the customers.

And as long as we're being critics,

I saw the "Alan Brady Show" the other night.

And you know something?

It stunk.

Everybody wants to be in the show business.

Rob, I-- I don't think you handled that too good.

I didn't notice you saying anything.

What could I say?

It's Saturday.

Well, I feel terrible now.

I didn't wanna start an argument with that guy.

All I wanted to do was talk to Lou

and try to straighten him out a little.

I need a pair of Brown Oxfords.

Oh, well, I, ah--

I don't work here.

I'm just one of the executives.

Well, ah, somebody will be with you in a second.

Look, we can't let customers get out.

Everyone who walks out means we're losing money.

- Yeah. - Go ahead and wait on him.

- You better wait on him. - Me, I don't know.

You wait on him. You're better looking.

I don't know how.

But you got a shoehorn.

You said you worked here for a couple of weekends.

I worked here a few years ago in the stock.

I don't know from that. You wait on the guy.

Listen, I don't know how.

It's easy.

You bought shoes, didn't you?

It's the same thing, only you face the other way

and sit lower.

[clears throat] Well, I guess I can take care of you till

one of my salesmen shows up.

Need a pair of shoes for the old feet, huh?

Oxfords with rubber heels.

Well, yes, sir.

We have those somewhere.

How-- what-- what, ah, size do you wear?

I'm not sure. You better measure me.

Measure?

Oh, of course, yeah.

Oh, let's, ah-- mm-hmm.

OK.

Shouldn't you measure with the shoe off?

[chuckles] I'm doing it with you shoes on--

[inaudible]

[groans]

OK, ah, you know where three--

[chuckles]

I don't think so.

I was just kidding.

R--

Buddy?

Huh?

What does that look like?

That's a butterfly, and this is a rabbit.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Come again, sir.

Hey, that's our first sale.

Boy.

[cash register opens and closes]

Boy, I feel he bought those out of pity

instead of any other reason.

But I made the sale, didn't I?

Yeah, boy, you sure did.

That's one in a row.

You have open-toed pumps?

What?

Ah, our star salesman will take care of you.

Well, just have a chair, ma'am-- seat.

You're up again, Willy Loman.

Well, I'll try.

I wish Lou would get back here.

What are the open-toed shoe?

What, I think around here.

Yeah, here.

They're no holes in those toes.

Maybe it healed up.

I'd like to try them in half a size smaller.

Ah, smaller?

Smaller.

Here we are.

Yeah.

Ah, lady-- [inaudible].

Young man, what are you doing?

[chuckles] It's my--

my finger's in your foot.

And now they don't fit.

This lady said I'd like to see something in a loafer.

I says, come in later, lady.

I'd like to introduce you to my brother-in-law.

[laughs]

- Hey, you know something? - What?

That pair of shoes of Laura's, [inaudible] brought them

back to the store tomorrow.

I should.

Oh, my God.

[woman laughing hysterically]

Well, I hope you like some of these.

Try that pair on me.

OK.

You-- [chuckles] I--

well, OK.

Do you want me to try these on your legs?

Oh, I mean, into your leg-- your foot-- feet?

Yes, if you don't mind.

ROB PETRIE: OK, this way.

Mm-hmm.

- What you looking at? - Huh?

Oh, nothing.

I'm--

Well, next time you see it, let me know.

[mumbling] How do those-- how do those,

ah-- how do those feel?

Not too good.

You've got my left shoe on my right foot.

Oh.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

This is my first day here in the leg store.

I mean, [inaudible].

Lady, I can't wait on you.

I'm a married man.

Uh-huh, I'm awfully sorry, ma'am.

Come back again, please.

I couldn't find anything that lady wanted.

Well, you can't win them all.

You've been doing pretty good.

You got rid of Sid.

Why don't we take over the joint and get rid of Uncle Lou?

[chuckles] Yeah, stop kidding, boy.

We've just been lucky today.

You did pretty well, though.

You sold a lot of laces and shoe polish.

Yes, five cans of oxblood.

Hey, this reminds me.

Irving, kill another ox.

[laughs]

Hey, Uncle Lou, did you hear what happened with Sid?

I know, I know what happened.

I ran into Sid in the delicatessen

and he told me all about it.

Well, Lou, look.

We're very sorry the way it happened.

But honestly, Sid was extremely discourteous.

Extremely discourteous.

No, no, worse, he was rude.

Rude.

ROB PETRIE: Well, we didn't want him to quit, of course.

Didn't want him to quit.

But we-- we didn't let you down, Uncle Lou.

He sold them and I rang them up.

Did a lot a good business.

So you made some sales, huh?

We sure did.

I don't know how we did it, but everybody

walked out of here happy.

Great.

My new partners are great.

Ha, thanks, Lou.

So we'll see you boys on Monday morning, 8 o'clock.

And we'll have a day that'll make shoe business history.

Well, Lou, we can't come in Monday morning.

We have to work.

You know that.

You mean I'm losing my two star salesmen?

What are you getting at, Lou?

What I'm getting at is to make sales is good.

But to do it as a lark is one thing and to do it every day

is another.

Well, that's right. But--

Ah, sure that's right.

You've got good jobs that are glamorous.

You probably got offers for a lot of interesting jobs.

But I need a guy like Sid because he hasn't

got such exciting choices.

Well, I'm sorry, Lou, but there's

no excuse for Sid's actions.

Sid's actions don't need any excuses.

Hey, he was so belligerent.

Five pairs of shoes got up and walked out.

And you were so nice that Mrs. Spanachek

got up and walked out.

Spanachek?

The lady that just left.

She said she didn't like anything today.

Yet every time she comes in, Sid always sells her at least two

pair.

Now wait a minute.

We sold at least half the people that came in here.

Sid's average is about 80%.

Eight-- really?

Look, Rob.

People come in here looking for bargains.

Well, gee, that doesn't mean that you

have to treat them rough, Lou.

Yes, I do.

The rougher the treatment, the bigger the bargain.

Really?

Is that the way people figure?

Yeah, that's what they expect at this store.

People come in here to get a steal,

and they don't want to steal from a nice guy.

Kind treatment, they get in a maternity shop.

We know how to make this business tick.

That's what you're investing in.

Well, I don't know what to say, Lou.

Say nothing.

I guess I was wrong.

I guess Rob was wrong.

I love you both, but frankly speaking, I need Sid

more than I need your money.

Yeah, but we can stay in as silent partner, though, huh?

And we'll keep our mouths shut.

With that, I agree.

I feel terrible.

Lou, it's our fault Sid quit.

He didn't quit.

Three times a week, he quits like that.

One day last month, he asked me to quit with him.

But you mean he's coming back here?

Yeah, he's coming back. Ah, he's back.

I'm not back.

I'm not back until they leave.

They're leaving.

Then I'm back!

All executives, out!

Out!

Yes.

There you are, girly.

Huh?

I don't know.

Believe me.

I'm your friend, right?

Those shoes make your feet look 10 years younger.

Good, I'll take two pairs.

BUDDY SORRELL: Good.

Gee, I can't make up my mind between the black evening

shoes and the sneakers.

Black evening and sneakers?

What are you, going to a formal tennis game?

I don't have enough money for both.

Take them both. We trust you.

Lou, Lou.

Rob, where are my shoes?

Honey, I told you.

You're either a 6 and 1/2 or a 6 with a broom.

[laughter]

[theme song]