All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E21

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Well, since you sold this gentleman 34 feet of pipe

and only delivered 28 feet, it would appear that you

owe him 6 feet of pipe.

Would you rather have the pipe or the money?

I'd rather have the money, your honor.

Then you will reimburse him for the cost of 6 feet of pipe.

[thunk]

Bailiff, may I see you a moment?

He's not here yet.

Good, then we'll win by default.

I don't want it that way.

I want the facts to prove us right and him wrong.

The money's secondary, justice is primary.

Even though it means missing a whole day's work?

Honey, when you're dealing with justice--

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Here he is.

Sit down, May.

Boy, you just can't tell about people.

He seemed like such a nice man.

Yeah, so was Jack the Ripper until he started ripping.

[bang]

JUDGE: Order please.

Next case.

Petrie versus Wiley.

Are the principles here?

Yes, your honor.

JUDGE: Step forward, please.

Uh, your honor, I, uh, the plaintiff, Robert Petrie,

have not retained counsel.

Speak up, please.

Your honor, I, Robert Petrie, the plaintiff,

have not retained counsel.

And I will represent myself in this action

if it please the court.

The court is very pleased.

We are pleased since only the defendant is allowed to use

an attorney in this court.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know that.

I thought I had to make that announcement.

It wasn't necessary, but thank you anyway.

You're welcome.

Do you want to strike what-- that, what I said.

Consider it struck.

Gentleman, it would be very prudent if we began

after the luncheon recess.

Very prudent, your honor.

[bang]

Court is adjourned until 2 o'clock.

BAILIFF: All rise.

Nice judge.

Rob, I still think you should have let Marvin handle

this for us out of court.

Will you stop worrying.

I got all the facts right in here, plus a few little tricks.

All rise, Small Claim Court County Westchester

is now in session.

Judge Nathaniel Taylor presiding.

[bang]

Be seated.

Uh, Petrie versus Wiley.

Mr. Petrie, you are the plaintiff.

Emphatically, your honor.

Will you present your case to the court

please, and keeping in mind that we have a very busy calendar.

Thank you, your honor.

I'm fully aware of your busy calendar,

and I will attempt at all times to be as brief, concise,

and succinct as I possibly can.

And now, I would like to give my opening statement

if it so please the court.

It does not please the court.

I beg your pardon, your honor.

We do not make opening statements in this court.

I have read your complaint.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, your honor.

May I finish my statement?

Oh, uh, yeah, proceed.

Go ahead, sir.

Will you please tell the court your side of the story.

Thank you, your honor.

Well, there are two--

two different things involved in this case.

First of all, a small amount of money, $80 to be exact,

and a very large amount of principle, I think,

which is that it's a citizen's responsibility to himself

and to his community to seek justice

where injustice has been done.

Mr. Petrie, am I wrong?

Or did you just sneak in part of your opening statement?

Just the last two sentences, your honor.

I left out a lot.

Thank you.

You want to strike, uh, that was--

It's struck.

I got two strikes against me.

Well, the co-plaintiff Mrs. Petrie and I

first became involved with Mr. Wiley

here about two months ago.

Unknown to me, my wife had made a certain purchase

from Mr. Wiley, which will hereinafter be referred

to as exhibit C through D.

JUDGE: Mr. Petrie, what your wife bought was four pillows,

correct?

Well, yes, your honor, exhibits A, B, C, and D.

Well, since we're all agreed they're pillows,

for clarity's sake, just refer to them as pillows

and leave all that A through D stuff to Perry Mason, huh?

Sorry, your honor.

I've never, uh, I've never spoken in court before.

I understand, Mr. Petrie.

Just relax and tell the story.

Thank you, your honor.

Well, as I said, my wife purchased

these four pillows from Mr. Wiley a couple of months ago.

At the time, she-- she, uh, had no reason for believing there

was anything wrong with them, until the night

of the day of the purchase of the pillows in question.

Oh, honey, these feel great.

Well, I certainly hope so, darling.

The man guaranteed me they were absolutely

perfect for people like to scrunch up their pillows.

Well, yeah, I'll tell you, I'll let you know as soon as I

get it all scrunched up here.

Swell?

Oh, the greatest.

Oh, boy, aren't they good?

Oh, honey, you are a great pillow buyer.

Right?

Goodnight.

No kiss?

I just got it all scrunched up right.

Well, I'll have to rescrunch it, that's all.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Honey--

Yes.

You, uh-- you smell anything?

Yes, I do, Rob.

What is it?

Very peculiar.

[sniffs]

LAURA: What in the-- - The pillows.

[sniffs]

It is.

What in the world is that smell?

Chickens.

No, duck down.

Huh?

Rob, the man said that these were the finest

eiderdown pillows made.

Eiderdown?

Yes, it's the down from Eider ducks.

Look, see, it says so right here on the label, eiderdown.

Yeah.

That's supposed to be the best thing

in the world for sleeping. - Oh, they are?

Well, how about a piece of Limburger cheese?

Well, we've had eiderdown pillows before.

They never smelled like this.

Yeah, well, the duck who got rid of these and make a pillow

must be the happiest duck in the world.

Those are chickens.

[sniffs]

Could be chickens.

I guess they smell alike.

Well, they hang around together.

Well, I'll just have to return them.

Where are the old pillars.

I sent them out to be cleaned.

Honey, didn't you smell those before you bought them?

Well, Rob, would you really expect me to?

No, I guess--

I guess not.

Well, this is going to be some great night.

Oh, darling, look, it's not that horrible.

They say it's good for you to sleep without a pillow.

Sure, it is, if you sleep on your back.

Now, your honor, my wife sleeps on her back, as you know.

I mean, well, I said she sleeps on her back.

Uh, you see, the night wasn't too bad for her.

But I woke up the next morning, I had a stiff neck.

Mr. Petrie, this information is

not relevant to your complaint.

Well, your honor, I feel that these factors

are all contributory in my dissatisfaction of Mr. Wiley

here.

Mr. Wiley, you heard Mr. Petrie's story.

Yes, your honor, about 20 times.

Your honor, I'm not finished yet.

Sit down, please, Mr. Petrie.

Mr. Wiley, do you have any comment on Mr. Petrie's story

thus far?

Yes, your honor.

I can only say that I did sell the Petries four pillows.

Now, what happened after they went to sleep, I don't know.

I mean, I wasn't there when they went to bed.

And I certainly don't go around peeking through windows.

[chuckles]

The next day, Mrs. Petrie called and said,

the pillows smell from chickens.

Well, for all I know, they might have been

eaten cold chicken legs in bed.

I don't eat in bed.

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe a banana once in a while.

Mr. Petrie, uh, what was Mr Wiley's

response when you told him the pillows smelled of chicken.

Well, your honor, rather than give hearsay evidence,

I'd like to call my first witness to the stand.

In the small claims court, we do not have a witness stand.

Oh, that's--

I-- well, in that case, I'd like to call

my first witness to stand.

The, uh, co-plaintiff and my wife, Mrs. Laura Petrie.

Uh, where-- where do I go?

Do I do mine from here?

Or in--

Come in and do it.

Very well, proceed. .

And remember, Mrs. Petrie, you are under oath.

Yes, I understand that, your honor.

Uh, be seated.

Oh, uh, be seated?

Be seated.

Be seated.

Uh, would you state your name and address, please?

Well, Rob, they--

He's right, Mrs. Petrie.

We need it for the court record.

Oh, uh, well, it's Mrs. Laura Petrie, 148 Bonnie Meadow

Road, New Rochelle, New York.

Thank you.

Now, Mrs. Petrie, at the time of the aforementioned purchase,

did you live at that address with the co-plaintiff Rob

Petrie?

Huh?

Am I-- am I out of order, your honor?

It's not your fault, Mr. Petrie.

It's television.

You think you're a lawyer.

I think I'm a doctor.

Please proceed.

Well--

[clears throat]

Now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already

admitted that you telephoned him complaining

about the chicken-smelling pillows.

Would you now, to the best of your recollection

and in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued

during that telephone call, keeping in mind at all times

that you are under oath?

Just tell what happened on the phone.

Oh, uh, well, um, the following morning, I

called Mr. Wiley and told him that the pillows

smelled like chickens.

And, uh, he said that that was impossible.

But-- but then I said that both our noses couldn't be wrong

and that we wanted to exchange the pillows.

What did he say?

Well, he said that, uh, he would come over that evening

and see what the trouble was.

Then Mr. Wiley was being very cooperative.

Your honor, I object.

You what?

Well, I'm begging your pardon, your honor.

Isn't that leading the witness?

Just tell it your own way, Mrs. Petrie.

Proceed.

Well, um, that evening sometime, after dinner,

Mr. Wiley arrived at our house.

[clears throat]

--and, uh--

Now, what seems to be the trouble, folks?

Uh, well, it's what I told you on the phone.

I'll go get them.

Darnedest thing, they smell like chickens.

Chickens?

Well, I find that hard to believe, Mr. Petrie.

You'll see.

Here we go.

There we are.

Too bad too.

They were good pillows, real scrunchers.

[sniffs]

Chickens, right?

No.

Oh, well, what is it you smell?

[sniffing]

Nothing.

You don't smell anything?

No, not a thing.

Here, let me try that one.

Yeah, maybe you didn't smell it correctly.

Have to use your nose and breathe in.

[sniffing]

I don't smell a thing.

I don't understand that at all.

Have you got a cold or hay fever or something?

No, sir.

Now, it could be your imagination.

[stammers] that's silly.

How could both of us imagine the same thing?

Hmm, I don't understand that.

Tell you what, I'll go out and get my wife

and let her take a sniff.

Your wife?

Yeah, she's waiting out in the car.

WILEY: May.

Rob, this is not my imagination.

And how can he not smell that?

I don't know.

Unless he doesn't want to smell it.

Do you think he's trying to gyp us?

Could be.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie.

This is my wife, May.

Hello.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Uh, plea-- pleased to meet you.

Nice place you got here.

Well, thank you.

Uh, can I get you something, a cup of coffee?

No, uh, just let her smell the pillows.

And then we have to go.

ROB: Oh, here are go, Mrs. Wiley.

[sniffs]

I don't smell no chicken.

You see?

Well, I don't know what to tell you folks.

It's two against two.

Two agai--

Mr. Wiley, this isn't a popularity contest.

We didn't make this up.

We liked the pillows.

We'd like to keep them.

But they smell.

Why don't you keep them for a few days?

Keep them?

You know, it could have been the packing,

something from the carton.

The carton?

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Uh, you keep them out in the open air for a few days.

And if you still think they smell, let me know.

And you'll exchange them.

So you just let me know, folks.

Don't worry about a thing.

Laura?

Well, I guess that's fair enough.

And we'll just borrow some pillows in the meantime.

Well, we'll, uh, keep them, Mr. Wiley.

We'll let you know.

Thanks for coming up.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

Goodnight folks.

LAURA: Goodnight.

It's a nice place you got here.

Come on, May.

Rob, I don't care what he says, I smell chickens.

I think I smell a rat.

Mrs. Petrie, what did Mr. Wiley do or say

that made you suspicious?

Well--

Your honor, I--

I think since I was the one who was originally suspicious,

I should answer that question.

Go ahead, Mr. Preston.

Thank you.

Petrie.

Oh, uh, of course.

Proceed.

Well, what, uh, first made me suspicious about him

was the way he ran his business.

He was very evasive about where he got the pillars, you know?

He doesn't work out of a store.

He kind of operates out of the trunk of his car.

Frankly, I was all surprised when my wife bought anything

from him in the first place.

Oh, well, I told you why I did, dear.

He was recommended by the Parkers.

There's something else I don't understand, they're

new in the neighborhood. We didn't even know them.

That's it.

See, I was trying to be neighborly.

And I wanted-- [bang]

Will you please settle that out of court?

I'm sorry, your honor.

Anyway, we aired those pills out for several days on the patio.

And they still smell like chicken.

That's only his opinion your honor.

Sit down, you.

Your honor, it isn't only my opinion.

That is a point I would like to make, if it pleases the court.

Anything that you do from now on that

will speed up this trial will thrill the court.

Thank you, your honor.

Well, [clears throat] a few days later, we tried to contact

Mr. Wiley on the phone.

He was never in.

We began to think that we'd probably never see our money

or him again.

That evening, we had some friends over,

and we were in the middle of discussing what game we'd play.

All right, listen, what about the charades of cards?

Oh, Rob and I played a great game last week.

What was that? You know--

Oh, the ga-- it was a guessing game.

- Yeah. - OK, let's play.

[phone rings] - Hey, that's it.

We're supposed to guess who called.

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Wiley.

Well, that's a surprise.

Yeah, I'd have never guessed Wiley.

What's that?

Yeah, we've been trying to get you

for several days, Mr. Wiley.

No, they still smell.

First clue, they smell.

What?

Oh, yes, we did, on the patio for three days.

Second clue, it smells on the patio.

I'll tell you what you can do for us.

You can bring over some new ones,

and take the old ones back.

Hey, you know, this ain't a bad game

once you get the hang of it?

Yeah, I like it.

Look, Mr. Wiley--

no, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Look, I don't like to do business this way,

but if you don't give us some kind of satisfaction,

I'm going to have to call and stop payment on that check.

Now, how do you like that?

Oh, it has.

Well look, you're going to have to do something.

Hello?

Hello?

He did something.

[interposing voices]

Hold it.

Rob, did he hang up on you?

Yes, he did.

He's a crook, all right.

Will you tell us what's going on?

It's that Wiley guy.

Wait a minute. I'll show you.

Who's Wiley.

Well, it's a kind of a strange story.

Buddy, smell that.

Is this the same game or a new one.

Well, just smell that.

And then you tell me what you smell.

What am I supposed to smell?

Oh, don't tell him, darling.

It'll influence him.

OK, then smell it.

And whisper to me what you smell.

Why do I always have to be the first.

Because you're expendable.

Come on, Buddy.

We really need your help.

Now, smell it, whisper to me what you smell,

and then pass it to Sally.

Oh, Rob, can't we each have our own pillow?

ALL: Yeah.

I'll got get them.

He's going to get the other three.

Buddy, would you smell it, please.

No, I'd rather wait for my friends.

Look-- oh, good.

Now, Rob and I bought these pillows,

and we claim that they have an odor.

But the man who sold them to us says they don't.

You just smell them and tell us what you smell.

See, it'll help us to know whether we're right

or he's right.

Just smell?

LAURA: Please.

[sniffing]

What is this?

I hope it's not as bad as this.

Let me try yours.

Smells like the first one.

Phew.

Phew is right.

Let me try yours.

What is that?

Wait a minute.

I got it.

I got it.

- Right. - Right.

I win.

All right, wait a minute.

ROB: So your honor, with the corroborating evidence

of my friends and neighbors, we tried to get in touch with Mr.

Wiley here, but in vain.

You know, we finally decided why he was so cooperative the night

he showed up at our house was because the check had not yet

cleared.

Your honor.

Yes, Mr. Wiley.

First, I resent his dispersions on my character.

Second, it's still his word against mine.

He's right, you know.

I was perfectly prepared for that, your honor.

I thought you might be.

I now submit exhibits E, F, G, and H,

signed by my honest friends and neighbors attesting to the fact

that they smell ducks and/or chickens.

Bailiff, would you present that to his honor, please?

Still doesn't mean anything, your honor.

They're his friends.

I could get four friends that say they don't smell it.

I can get all the friends you want.

Mr. Petrie, these, uh, uh, statements are inadmissible.

They're not notarized or given under oath.

Oh, well, I'm, uh--

sorry about that slip up, your honor.

But I still have A, B--

A, B-- uh, the pillows to submit in evidence.

I suppose you want me to smell them.

- No, your honor. - No?

No?

No.

While we were waiting for this case

to come before your honorable bench,

sir, that somehow the pillows stopped smelling.

Your honor, I'd like to enter a plea of insanity.

What?

He's crazy.

[bang]

You do that once more, and you'll

be fined for contempt of court.

Sorry, your honor.

Mr. Petrie, if the pillows have stopped smelling,

you have no case, and there's no reason for you being here.

Well, your honor, maybe the pillows still don't smell.

But Mr. Wiley's way of doing business certainly does.

Your a witness, your honor.

I may take him to court.

Quiet.

Mr. Petrie, I'm afraid you have no case

unless you have something more substantial as evidence.

Well, uh, your honor, would the introduction

of an indication of misrepresentation

be a substantiation?

Of what?

Well, um, of my case.

If you can prove misrepresentation, it may.

May what?

What you said before.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, thank you, your honor.

That's wonderful.

I now submit, your honor, my most damaging

piece of evidence, exhibit I.

Mr. Petrie, is it your intention to run

through the entire alphabet?

No, sir, I is the last for me.

I don't know what letters he intends using.

JUDGE: Continue.

That, your honor, is a sworn statement by an independent

testing laboratory-- one you've seen on many television

commercials, I'm sure--

stating that the pillows which were represented by Mr. Wiley,

the defendant, as being 100% eiderdown,

are in actuality 12% eiderdown and 88%

chopped chicken feathers.

I object, your honor.

[bang]

Quiet!

Chopped chicken feathers?

Yes, your honor.

Cheap, chopped chicken feathers.

I rest my case.

Oh, and it also says on the there

that they were improperly processed,

which means that's what caused the smell.

I can read, Mr. Petrie.

Well, uh, I know that.

I thought maybe the audie--

the spectator-- I thought maybe they'd

like to hear, uh, whatever.

I would now like to present in evidence,

sir, exhibit or pillow B.

Well, I-- I--

I don't really think that would be necessary

if the facts contained in this statement are accurate,

uh, it, uh-- it should be enough.

They are accurate, your honor, absolutely.

And once you see this-- this is the very pillow--

you will realize it is obviously not eiderdown,

but simply a cheap chopped chicken feathers.

I told you not to bring that up here.

[achoo]

Are you allergic to chicken feathers?

- Yes, I'm-- - That's further proof.

[thunk]

Get them away from me

[achoo]

Get them away from here.

He's nuts, your honor.

I told you.

He's nuts.

The court decides in favor of the plaintiff

in the amount of $80.

[achoo]

[interposing voices]

I would like to thank the court

for it's honest and sincere--

Mr. Petrie, court is adjourned.

I should have been a doctor.

[achoo]

And when you watch these, don't forget to set the machine

at delicate, warm only.

No, I won't.

Ah, Mrs. Petrie, may you and your husband

spent many happy years under those blankets.

Well, thank you very much.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Petrie. - Bye.

Hello, Mr. Petrie.

Hello.

Bye.

[door closes]

Wasn't that my defendant?

Uh, yes, uh, that was he.

What was-- wh--

what are those?

Uh, blankets.

I can see that.

Where did they come from?

Uh, sheep mostly.

Honey, you bought those blankets from that man.

Oh, Rob, please.

It took all of my legal skills bringing that man to justice,

and you're dealing with him.

Rob, listen.

The man came here.

He was practically in tears.

He just-- he begged me and pleaded to be forgiven.

Look, you are the one who has always

said that criminals can be rehabilitated

and should be given a second chance.

What was the discount?

50% cheaper than the discount stores.

But that wasn't the reason, darling.

I did it because I felt sorry for him.

Mm-hmm, what if those are faulty?

There's no problem.

None, whatsoever.

He gave us a guarantee.

What kind of a guarantee?

He said that if anything goes wrong with these blankets,

that you can always take him to court and beat him again.

[music playing]