All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E13

[theme music]

PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew and Mary Tyler Moore.

Come on, let's come up with something.

What was the idea you had at lunch, Buddy?

You mean about us getting a jelly donut

and splitting three ways?

No, idea you head for the big middle sketch.

Well, that was his idea.

We do a sketch about three bums trying

to split up a jelly donut without anybody

getting a dry piece.

Was that my idea?

I thought it was Rob's.

What difference whose idea it was?

Is it any good?

I think it's great.

For one thing, it'll help us service

Alan and the two guest stars.

And I think Alan can be very funny

tapping the donut like a doctor looking for the jelly part.

Hey, or else you can get a Geiger counter, you know,

and it only count to the Geiger's in jelly.

Oh, come on fellas, I can't do a sketch about a jelly donut.

Why not?

Because I just had spaghetti and I'm full.

So get yourself an Italian stomach pump.

What do you say, let's pile into the monologue, please?

I will do the monologue tonight after dinner.

I thought you and Pickles were having guests tonight.

No guests, just my mother-in-law and her sister.

Well, what do you consider them?

Invaders.

All right then, you do the monologue at home tonight, OK.

Hey, it'll give me a chance to run to the den

and get away from the locusts.

[phone ringing]

Telephone is ringing, Rob.

Grab the phone.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Oh hi, Mel.

Who?

Why?

What?

Oh, the next one's got to be when?

Where?

Now comes when when.

When?

Well, Mel my first thought would be to say no to--

well, would you me think it over?

Well, yeah, how about in the morning?

I'll give you an answer.

I know that, Mel.

All right.

Yeah, bye.

Oh, where were we?

What old sexpot want?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little annoyance.

Oh, we've got plenty of annoyances.

We got three sketches and a monologue.

Yeah, and I got a hole on my sock.

Look at that.

All right, let's get some work done before you

spring one in your head.

Hey, Rob you on the level about that jelly donut bit?

Are you on the level about it?

Yes I'm on the level about it.

What do you think?

Oh, yeah sure let's-- yeah, let's-- yeah.

OK, thanks a lot.

18, 19, 20, 21 books and they're all filled.

Well, what do you want to get with these trading

stamps, darling?

Rob?

Huh?

You all right?

Yeah I'm fine except for the fact

that my tongue is stuck in my teeth.

I'm fine.

Why don't you use the sponge I gave you?

Where?

Well, I gave you one, Rob.

You glued it to the book.

Well, what do you want to get with the stamps?

Well, I don't know. How many books you got?

- 21. - Well, let's see.

Two more books you can trade it in for the catalog.

Oh, Rob.

Millie had a kind of an original idea.

She's going to use her stamps to paper for one

of the walls in the playroom.

Isn't that cute?

Yeah, that's just fine but they're

going to live in constant fear that somebody breaks

in and steals the whole wall.

Well, for 32 books they can get a watchdog.

Now, what's on your mind?

How did you know something was on my mind?

Because all through dinner your forehead was all wrinkled

and you kept going, "hhey".

Hhey.

See?

You did it again.

Well, Mel called me this morning

with something of a problem, had to do

with Buddy and Sally and me.

And I made a decision without consulting them.

You do that all the time, don't you?

Yeah, but this is a little bit different.

"Manhattan" magazine wants to do a big article on the "Alan

Brady Show" and they want to send a reporter

and then sit down and watch us write.

And?

Well, I just wonder if I was right in making

a decision on that without consulting Buddy and Sally.

Well, I certainly think it would be all right.

Yeah, that's the way I felt about it.

After all I'm the head writer.

I am responsible for what goes on in that writing room.

That's true but I can't see you can't discuss it with them.

Well, I was scared to death they'd talk me into letting

a reporter come in there.

Oh, and you don't want that?

Of course not.

Why?

Do you know what would happen if a reporter

from a famous magazine came in our office?

Why would it be that what you said?

Honey, with a stranger in the room

everybody gets very self-conscious

and they begin to show off.

Including you?

Yeah, I'm human.

That's silly.

You've been interviewed before.

You've had a situation like this before.

All you have to do is just avoid the pratfalls.

That's pitfalls.

There, you see.

You know the words.

So just avoid them.

No, honey If I let a reporter in there,

everybody's going to start showing off.

We'll never get any work done.

We'll make fools out of ourselves.

Well, you know best

I'm sure I do.

Of course one thing though.

What?

Well, you really shouldn't be discussing this with me.

You should talk it over with Buddy and Sally.

I mean this publicity concerns all three of you.

And they might be upset if you left them out.

Oh, I don't think they would.

Well, who knows.

They might want the publicity.

I mean after all everybody reads "Manhattan" magazine.

And they might think it's a good idea for people to know who

writes the "Alan Brady Show".

They might think?

All right, I think they might.

Why not, Rob?

I happen to be proud of you and what you do for that show.

Is there anything wrong in a woman wanting her man

to become famous and well known

No, no, look what the lady in red did for John Dillinger.

Oh.

All right, I'm going to say one more thing,

and then I'll shut up.

Last week, Rob in the beauty parlor

I read an article in a magazine about the writers

of the "Kevin Darby Show" and how they are

responsible for its success.

Well, honey you hate that show.

I know and it just galled me to think that they get all

that credit for writing a rotten show

and you don't get any credit for writing a good one.

Honey, I get a lot of credit.

I get paid a lot of money.

And I have a wife who gives me very nice compliments about it.

And we almost got an award once.

Well, who knows, maybe with a little publicity

you may get an award too, like the "Kevin Darby Show".

The "Kevin Darby Show" didn't get an award.

They didn't deserve it.

Yeah, but they got all that publicity.

See?

See what?

You don't get credit or publicity.

So if you got a little of each you might get a lot more both.

You know something?

What?

You're no fun to talk to anymore.

All right.

If you want to end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead.

Who's that?

Dwight Heatherton happens to be

an excellent writer who is unknown

because he gets no publicity.

Well, how do you know him?

Oh Rob, he's famous.

All right.

So you want me to discuss this whole thing

with Buddy and Sally? - Yes.

Because you think they may outvote me, don't you?

Well, for your sake, I hope they do.

All right.

But if they get a reporter in that office

you had better cancel Saturday night's dinner party.

- With Buddy and Sally? - That's right.

Why?

Because by Saturday night, the three of us

will not be talking to each other.

Oh.

Gee, I don't know.

What do you think, Buddy?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I just said I didn't know.

What do you think, Rob?

I told you what I think.

Let's forget the whole thing.

OK.

I'll go along with that, OK.

Me too, you're perfectly right.

Good.

Hey, maybe we ought to think about it some more

Yeah, don't you think we ought to just--

Oh, come on. both just said you'll go along with me.

Yeah I know, Rob but look, we're all partners.

I have to agree with him too.

Hey, Rob, tell me why you don't want us to have our names

in a big national magazine so we'll be famous

and people will give us free tickets to the movies.

We'll be able to get better seats in restaurants.

And regular people and our relatives

will give us a lot of respect.

Tell me again why you don't want that?

Buddy, it's very simple.

You see if the three of us--

yeah, Rob why don't you want that?

Because if we let a stranger in here,

we're not going to be able to act like ourselves.

We'll be trying to impress the reporter

and we won't get any work done.

That's why.

Well, I'm not so sure, Rob.

We're all professionals.

I mean I don't think it would upset

me if someone were in the room.

Me neither.

You know me boy, when I got work to do I do it.

Comedy is a serious business and I've

been in it long enough to give it

plenty of respect and dignity.

This is what I mean.

He wouldn't feel free to do that kind of stuff.

We'll never get a show written either.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean we'll all be performing for the reporter.

We won't get a show done.

Oh, not me.

Not you.

Do you guys remember just a few years ago,

we brought a tape recorder in here so we wouldn't have

to take any notes, you know.

You did 84 choruses of "All Of Me".

Oh.

He's right, Sal.

Well you, you brought in your cello we had

four hours of "Yuck-a-Puck".

Yeah.

That was only a machine.

Yeah, well the machine looked lonesome.

And besides, next to "America the Beautiful", "Yuck-a-Puck"

happens to be one of the most beloved songs in this country.

SALLY: Oh.

Rob listen, that tape recorder incident

was a couple of years ago.

Yeah, maybe, we ought to give his "Manhattan"

magazine a whirl, huh?

Are you serious?

What, the worst can happen, they

give us a free subscription.

Sal?

Well, I think we're all aware of what can happen.

I think we can control ourselves.

Sure, everything will go smoothly.

Rob?

Speaking of smoothly, here's old level head.

Will you please tell chicken little

he's wanted in the hen house.

Chicken little, hey he's sharp.

This guy got a trigger brain.

But I think the gun jammed.

Uh Rob, have you thought any further about the discussion

we had last night?

Well, it's against my better judgment, Mel.

But I guess the majority rules.

So tell "Manhattan" magazine to go ahead.

Fine I'll give them a call and tell them it's OK.

SALLY: Uh, what time they'll be here?

First-- first thing in the morning.

Hey Mel, I had your car fixed.

They're going to put the exhaust pipe on the inside.

Hey, they're going to be here first thing in the morning.

I got to get home early tonight.

Why?

Well, I, got to get my nails manicured,

my hair curled, and my nose tilted just a touch.

You see that?

Oh come on, Rob.

I'm only kidding.

I'll be my regular self tomorrow.

Yeah, me too.

All I got to do is have a suit pressed

and I have my overall height lengthened.

That's it.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to have my head examined.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh hi, honey.

No, the reporter isn't here yet.

No, I'm really not very worried about it.

I just made up my mind.

Magazine or no magazine, this is going to be just

another ordinary working day.

We'll just--

Hello, darling.

Honey, I'll have to call you back.

No, Auntie Mame just popped in.

I'll explain a little later, goodbye.

There's nobody in here yet.

Oh, the coffee come yet?

Look, I thought we weren't going to fuss for the reporter.

Fuss?

Who fussed?

Oh, of course not.

Good heavens, you always dress for a coronation

in the morning, don't you?

Oh that dress.

Oh, this old thing.

That old thing, huh?

You know, next to you, the Duchess of Windsor dresses

like Huckleberry Finn.

I thought we were just going to be ourselves today.

Come on, Rob.

There's nothing wrong with dressing nice for an interview,

is there?

Well, I know I never should have agreed to this.

How's it going to look you dressed up

like Madam Du Barry and Buddy and me just

in ordinary street clothes.

Well, well, well, come in Prince Philip.

Robert, good morning.

Sally, my dear.

Nobody's here yet.

Hey Marge, cancel the tea.

Bagel and coffee.

Welcome home, Admiral.

Well, well, well, well, well, this is quite an outfit

we have on.

You mean this little [inaudible]??

This little [inaudible].

You Know something, you and Sally have the greatest

old clothes in the whole world.

You guys certainly started this thing off great.

Yeah, we're just kidding you, Rob.

You know what this nut want me to do?

He wanted me to come in wearing a diamond tiara.

I was going to wear knickers and a cape butt hey

told me you were wearing it.

Very, very funny.

Well, I hope that this right now is as far as the joke goes.

Look, if it'll make you feel any better,

under all this glamour I'm wearing torn underwear.

[knock on door]

Hey, that's the reporter.

All right you guys remember the rules,

this is just another ordinary working day like nobody

was here, - OK.

Come in.

Hello, I'm Lorraine Gilman.

You're expecting me? - Oh, of course.

Of course.

How do you do?

I am Maurice B. Sorrell but you can call me Buddy.

And I'm Robert Petrie.

And how do you do, I'm Sally Rogers.

Hello, Sally.

Well, it's very nice to meet all of you.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I won't stay too long.

Stay just as long as your little old heart desires.

Well, we're very happy to have you here Miss Gilman.

Lorraine.

Oh, yes.

You sit down, Miss Gilman?

Lorraine.

Yeah, that's right.

You're positive I won't be in the way, Mr Petrie?

Oh, not at all.

And none of that Mr Petrie stuff.

You call me Lorraine.

Make yourself at home.

Mr Cooley asked me to drop by and take a few notes.

Sort of get the feel of the room, you know.

All right.

If you have any questions later, you just ask me.

Oh yes.

Mr Cooley said you were the head writer.

Oh well, we don't do much with titles around here.

Oh yeah.

That's right.

We're all equal here.

There's no head writer in this room.

Well I wouldn't go that far.

I mean I--

None of that boss stuff around here.

That's really very democratic.

Yeah.

Can we start to work now.

Yeah, I think it'd be a very good idea

that we get right down to work.

Let's see now, what were we working on?

The sketch.

That's right.

My sketch about the three bums and jelly donut.

You mean thee sketch about the three bums and the jelly donut.

What did I say?

You said, "my sketch."

So I've been thinking about that sketch.

Yeah.

I think it'll be a riot, but--

I don't know.

It's an awful a lot like what we did about two weeks ago.

Why didn't you say something about it yesterday?

Well, I didn't think of it till I

was driving in this morning.

Oh well, what matter.

I'll think of something else.

Well, don't worry dear, you won't think alone,

we'll help you.

Good, good.

Uh, this week I think I'll open with Alan doing a monologue

right at the beginning.

Alan has been opening with a monologue for five years now.

You're telling me?

It was my idea.

The monologue, Alan comes out and says,

"good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm glad you're all here to help me celebrate this week, three

years of happy married life."

Three out of 12, not bad, huh?

Then he says, "marriage is wonderful,

you know what it means to come home

with a beautiful, sexy wife waiting

at the door who grabs you and kisses you passionately.

Do you know what that means?

It means you in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Uh, Buddy.

We wrote that monologue for Alan last week.

I know.

I just thought I'd get things rolling.

Oh, get things rolling?

Forgive me, but those are very funny jokes.

Oh, do you really think so?

I think they're hysterical.

Well, thank you.

What do you mean thank you?

Well I did contribute a couple of comics, you know.

How about this, say that Alan and his wife

have been invited to a costume party.

But when they arrive, they find out they're a week early.

Yeah, I like that, I like that.

Yeah, thank you very much.

For what?

For suggesting my costume sketch.

Your costume sketch?

Yeah, I did it three years ago from Milton Berle.

All right, look, why don't we just do an out-and-out

slapstick sketch.

I would love to do those.

Well, I'm for that.

All right.

Let's say that Alan has a beef with his wife.

Oh again with the husband and wife.

Why do you keep pushing them?

Why not?

They're funny.

Well, all righty.

Ah, come up with the funny ones.

All right.

Well, let's say that eh, Alan and his wife's

gone for the weekend.

Oh no.

Wait a minute.

I'm going onto something here.

His wife's gone and he has to cook for himself.

He has to make his own dinner.

And well, he could do a-- lot of funny things

could happen, you know, goofy things like goofing off

in the kitchen. - Yeah, pretty hilarious.

Well, wait a minute.

No, he ha-- say he can shock himself on electric can opener.

You know, a guy could do something like that.

That'd be funny.

And then the-- he could put too much rice in the boiling water,

you know.

It would overflow all over the stove, you know.

That's always good.

That's slapstick.

And-- why don't he put the dishes in the clothes washer

instead, you know.

Or maybe put clothes in the dishwasher.

That'd even be funnier.

And the whole-- you know, you get a message.

You know, I was talking to Noel Coward at that party.

[inaudible] situation.

Rob.

It could be funny but don't you think it's kind of old hat?

Well, as writers it's up to us to put a new band on old hat.

What are we?

Joke writers and milliners?

What do you want to do?

Do a whole hour on one liners, monologues and stuff?

Well, it's better than a husband and wife

screaming at each other.

All right, all right.

We'll forget the husband and wife thing

and do something completely different.

We'll do something daring.

Something daring.

Maybe like that leopard sketch that you did last year.

Made a big bomb.

Oh Buddy, he didn't lay such a big bomb.

Oh no?

That week Russia went to the UN and complained we

were doing underground testing.

All right.

All right, that's all.

This week, folks, we are going to do

a husband and wife sketch.

All right, Mr professor.

What makes a husband and wife sketch so good?

If you will sit down, Maurice, I will tell you why.

As I explained in an article I wrote for "The Television

Quartely" last period, this type of comedy

automatically creates an empathy of rapport, if you will.

Thereby setting up a common denominator

with the mass audience.

So this is our raison d'etre.

The husband and wife image is possibly

the easiest identifiable one in our society.

Ergo, the mass psyche finds a release

from it's hidden latent hostility

by this kind of vicarious means.

Varicose, veins, latex, what are you talking about?

You can't come up with ideas.

What, are you trying to cover up you

can't think of anything with a lot of those $9 college words?

For you information, those $9 college words

are in the dictionary.

They happen to be used by a lot of thinking

people for intercommunication.

What does that prove about anything?

We're not University professors.

Fellows--

Buddy, you're being very disruptive.

Oh yeah.

Well, you're being very destructive.

I am distracting?

Yeah, you and that hockey jacket you're wearing.

Look who's making fun of comedy--

OK.

Cut it out.

Hold it.

Miss Gilman is leaving.

If you'll forgive me, I think that I've got

all the material I need now.

Thank you.

[interposing voices]

LORRAINE: Going down, please.

Hello, Marge.

Would you get me the New York State Unemployment Office,

please?

Oh, Rob I apologize.

I acted just like the kind of guy I hate.

I did it too.

I don't know what got into me.

I heard myself saying things I couldn't believe they

were coming out of my mouth.

Well, I wasn't as bad as you two guys but I'd pay money

to take back everything I said.

You know Rob, your instincts were right.

You should have never let her in the room with us.

Right, we should have listened to you.

I OKed the whole thing.

It's my fault as much as anybody else's.

Is there anything we can do to stop the article?

With "Manhattan" magazine, they attack giants of industry,

they won't stop with us.

There must be something we can do.

Well look, I say we go to Lorraine

with honor and dignity.

And we say Miss Gilman, we acted like fools

and we'd like to know just how much

it would cost to buy you off.

Hey, if that doesn't work, we can throw ourselves at our feet

and start sobbing.

Very funny.

You're making jokes and we're in a big mess.

Rob.

Talk about a big mess.

The daddy of them all.

I hate you.

Rob, can I bring in Ed Palmer now?

Who?

Ed Palmer, the gentleman I spoke to you about.

What gentleman?

The reporter from "Manhattan" magazine.

- The reporter? - Yes.

You remember I told you he wanted

to come in and spend a couple of days while you worked.

Who was the--

Who was the girl?

What girl?

Lorraine Gilman.

Oh, you mean the decorator.

Did you say decorator?

Well, yes.

We were thinking of having your offices changed while you

were on your vacation.

Decorator?

Lorraine the decorator?

You mean she's not the reporter?

You mean you thought?

We've got a [inaudible].

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Look just, just-- if you can control your hysteria,

I'd like to bring in Ed Palmer.

Over my dead body.

I'm sorry, you're joking.

No.

We all agree that we'd rather be good friends

than have a reporter here watching us work.

Oh come on now, you can't get in any trouble.

Oh.

You can't get in any trouble.

I'm sorry to bother you but I think I left my glove.

Rob, the magazine is very important.

Mr. Palmer is waiting.

Wait a minute, Miss Gilman, would

you answer a question for us.

Certainly.

You sat here and watched us work, didn't you?

Uh, yes.

We're conducting a little experiment in human behavior.

Would you give Mr Cooley your impression of us.

Well, I'd rather not.

Oh, we're all friends.

All right.

Just tell him.

For one thing, watching you made my job as a decorator

rather easy.

Oh really, how?

Well, I decided the perfect motif for this room

would be a roman forum.

A roman forum?

Well, with all the knifing and backstabbing that went on,

I thought I was watching a new version of Julius Caesar.

Bye.

I told you, Mel.

Well, but you can learn from it.

You can learn from it and avoid the pitfalls.

After all, you're all adults, intelligent.

I'll cancel the interview.

Honey.

Oh, hi, darling.

Oh well, you seem happy.

- Yeah, do you see it? - See what?

Then you didn't see it.

Come here, the "American Decorating" magazine

has an article on Sally and Buddy me.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And we owe all this publicity to you.

To me?

Yeah, if it hadn't for you we'd

have never gotten this article.

Oh well, who wrote it?

Lorraine Gilman.

- Oh, let me see it. - No, no.

You sit down, I'm going to read it to you.

Ready?

Aha.

"Recently, I had the unusual assignment

of redecorating the office used by the writers of the "Alan

Brady Show" and discovered that it requires

three creative intellects and one

full week to manufacture the show.

That this miracle is wrought in one week

is an enigma since the writing sessions are characterized

by childish outbursts of petulance, pyrotechnic displays

of pseudo psychoanalytical jargon.

Posturing, quibbling, and backstabbing.

Giving the appearance not at all of a writing session

but rather playtime at an excessively

progressive day nursery.

It was this childish behavior of the writers

that gave me a clue to the type of decor I might try.

With touches of a roman forum in the wallpaper

and the furniture."

Well, that is just terrible.

Well, it's terrible.

That lamp, Rob.

We have the same lamp and paid $15 for it.

You know what is even worse than that?

What?

A husband giving his wife a shot with a rolled up magazine.

No.

Not going to happen.

[music playing]