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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Warden, as spokesman for this group,
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we think this is highly unfair.
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Boxer, I think the trouble your gang
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caused after the last show was unfair to me and the other men.
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You don't deserve to see tonight's show.
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Hey, Warden, we ain't going to cause any more trouble.
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Cross my heart.
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I cannot take any chances.
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These people from "The Alan Brady Show"
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have been kind enough to come all the way
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up here to entertain us.
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And I want to be sure there's going to be no trouble.
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[buzzing]
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Now, you quiet down.
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Yes?
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MAN (ON INTERCOM): Delp is here, sir.
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Oh, hold it a minute.
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I'll finish with you men after the show.
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There ain't going to be no show.
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What was that?
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Oh, nothing.
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Just an idle threat.
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Guard, take them outside for a moment.
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Right.
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Oh, Warden, it's criminal.
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That's what it is. It's not fair.
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This just criminal.
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[shouting]
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Send Lyle in.
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Warden, Warden, thank goodness you're all right.
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I got here in time.
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WARDEN: What is it, Lyle?
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The men, Warden.
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They're rioting in cell block three.
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Burt Lancaster is holding Hume Cronyn hostage.
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They're going to kill him if you don't meet their demands.
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All right.
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What are their demands?
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They want Pat O'Brien back as warden.
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Pretty good, huh?
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How was the acting?
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Did you like it, Warden?
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Lyle, I like it much better when you do it as Jimmy Cagney.
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Oh, Warden.
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What else can I do for you, Lyle?
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I got my friends outside.
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They're here for the show. - Wonderful.
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Bring them in.
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OK, Warden.
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OK, Rob.
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Come on in.
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I got him tied up.
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Here they are.
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Come on in, gang.
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Here they are, Warden.
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Gang, this is my friend, the camp counselor.
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Uncle Warden Jackson.
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A sweetheart of a guy.
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How do you do?
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Hello.
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This is Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers.
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How are you?
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How do you do?
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And these are two of my favorite victims, Rob
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and Laura Petrie.
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How do you do, Warden?
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How do you do?
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So you're the ones he tried to hold
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up in an elevator using a comb.
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That's right.
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Unfortunately, the comb wasn't loaded.
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Oh, come on, Rob.
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Don't take away my dignity as a criminal.
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Lyle, you know very well you're
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just not the criminal type.
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I think you're right.
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See.
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Didn't I tell you?
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He's a sweetheart of a guy.
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I just want to say we certainly
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appreciate your coming up here.
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The boys are looking forward to it.
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Now, if you ladies will follow me,
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I'll show you where you can change.
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I'll see you later, dear. See you later.
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Hey, girls, be careful where you sit down.
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Be sure the chair ain't plugged in.
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Oh.
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Mr. Petrie, you and Mr. Sorrell can use my office.
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Anything you need?
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Well, all I need is a prison outfit.
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Oh, they're right here.
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Oh, thank you.
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Lyle, your best behavior.
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Remember, you're our most trusted trustee.
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Sure does believe in me.
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Lyle, you're looking just great.
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When are you getting out?
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Pretty soon.
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I bet you're counting the days by now, aren't you?
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Oh, not really.
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It's been kind of nice here.
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Hey, why don't you stay in longer, you know,
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after your term is up?
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What for?
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Build up a credit in case they nab you again.
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Nah.
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I'm a fully rehabilitated citizen now.
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Yeah.
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That's what you said the last time.
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No.
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This time I got to the root of my problem.
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I went to the prison psychiatrist, and he helped me.
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Well, that's wonderful.
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What was it?
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Uh, I like to steal.
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Don't worry. You'll be back.
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No, no.
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I'm OK now.
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And I found out I like something better
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than crime, show business.
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Hey, would-- would you get me a job when I get out?
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We'll do what we can for you, Lyle.
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Hey, why don't you become a comedy writer?
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No.
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I-- I can't write jokes.
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What write?
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Steal them.
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That was very cruel.
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[chuckles] Well, I've been doing it for years.
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Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?
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Captive.
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Best audience in the world.
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They're great.
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Hey, do they like short fat cello players?
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Hey, tonight.
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They'll love anything, even if you play a kazoo.
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Why is that?
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Well, you see, we haven't had a show here in several months.
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Gee.
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I thought you have one every week.
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Well, we do, you see, but the warden
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had to postpone the last one because of the riot.
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The riot?
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Well, [chuckles] it wasn't exactly a riot.
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It was sort of a difference of opinion with injuries.
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Well, wh-- what was the riot about?
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They didn't like the last show.
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[chuckles] He's kidding us.
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He's not kidding.
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Lyle, you must be kidding.
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They didn't have a riot after the last show, did they?
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No.
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It was during the last show.
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What kind of a show was it?
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Well, it was like sort of an amateur night.
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We used local talent.
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It was called "An Evening with Lyle Delp."
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I was the emcee.
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Wasn't it a good show?
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Oh, it was a great show.
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We had a guy sing "Granada."
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And another fellow played the accordion, you know.
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And he did "Lady of Spain."
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Then we got two lifers to do a duet,
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and one sang "Old Man River" and the other one went, hummmm.
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And they didn't like that?
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No.
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I can't understand it.
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What kind of shows do they like?
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Strippers.
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Well, they're not going to see any of that in this show.
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Hey!
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What?
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Those are the craziest shorts I ever saw.
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They were a Mother's Day present.
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- Mother's Day? - Yeah.
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I got them for my mother, but she wouldn't wear them.
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Boy, that's what I call freedom.
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Big car, lots of money, and flashy underwear.
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With us it's cockamamie gray all the way.
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I'll tell you what, Lyle, for a getting out present
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I'll buy you a pair of wild shorts.
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Make it polka dots.
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OK.
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Listen, you can do a favor for me.
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Anything. Anything.
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Will you get me a pair of pants?
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They gave me two shirts.
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The warden's a sweetheart, but he ain't show biz.
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Hey, I better hurry up.
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The show is scheduled for 8 o'clock.
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Yeah.
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And the riot for 9:00.
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Here's the stage and all, gang.
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Hey, listen.
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I better go out there and warm them up.
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OK?
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I've seen their faces.
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You better use a blowtorch.
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Hey, you sure they like short fat cello players?
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They'll love you.
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You have nothing to be afraid of.
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They never heard him play.
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Lyle, do you think they'll mind our doing
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a lot of jokes about prison?
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No. They love them.
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He's right, Laura.
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It's basic psychology.
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We love to be kidded about ourselves.
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Isn't that what you told me, Rob?
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Yep.
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Well, how do you think they're going to feel about our
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doing a dance with chains on?
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Home sick.
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Don't worry, Laura.
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They'll love you.
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Honey, did you bring the chains?
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No, didn't you?
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Oh, I must have left them downstairs.
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I'll get them.
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- Oh, well, hurry, darling. - I'll be back.
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Gee. I'd better get out there too.
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Hey, Lyle, don't be nervous.
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Are you kidding?
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This is my room.
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OK, fellas.
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[cheering]
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Hi, guys.
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Like I said, Lyle Delp, your good friend.
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I came through for you.
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We got a great show.
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[cheering]
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Just shut up, Pop, huh?
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Now, listen, you guys.
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You're going to be a lot of fun, you see.
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Now, we're going to have a lot of classy girls
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come out here and nice guys.
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I don't want any guys going crazy
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and yelling out bad things.
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You know what I mean?
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A little class.
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Do you understand this, dumb dumb?
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I'm talking, and you're staring at me like I'm the yo-yo.
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You're the one that's sick.
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Like last time, Harry, I don't want with the toothpick,
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you know, throwing it up at the stage.
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Seeing if you can hit the girl.
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There's no humor in that.
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You understand?
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Accept your punishment without grumbling,
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and don't cause any trouble.
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Gee, Warden, just because we done
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one bad little thing do we have to suffer forever?
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This isn't my decision alone.
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Your fellow inmates, the prison council,
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ruled that this would be your punishment.
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What do they know?
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They're just a bunch of ignorant criminals.
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And what we did wasn't so bad. - No.
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After all we did--
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Back to your cells, men.
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Oh.
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- Oh, come on. - Jenkins.
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JENKINS: Yo.
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I have a few rounds to make.
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Then I'm going to playhouse.
273
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:49,729
Take these men back to the cell.
274
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:50,730
You come with me.
275
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,698
JENKINS: All right, come on.
276
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:55,468
Well, that ain't very sporting of you, I'll tell you.
277
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:56,402
[shouting]
278
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:57,570
JENKINS: Let's go.
279
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,571
Let's go right now.
280
00:08:58,671 --> 00:08:59,872
What's the matter with you?
281
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:01,374
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing here?
282
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,975
Oh, grab a suitcase.
283
00:09:03,075 --> 00:09:05,311
Planning a little trip for the weekend, huh?
284
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,412
No. This is for the show.
285
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:07,513
Yeah, but you won't need it.
286
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:08,547
You're not going to the show.
287
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:10,149
What?
288
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:12,652
The warden said you guys are being punished,
289
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,120
you're not going to see the show.
290
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,354
Oh, you guys--
291
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:16,522
[chuckles] look.
292
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:17,957
I'm not one of them. I'm in the show.
293
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,458
This is a costume. - Sure it is.
294
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,393
Come on. Let's go.
295
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,460
Outside. - No, wait.
296
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,628
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
297
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:23,729
You're making a terrible mistake.
298
00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:25,031
Ask them. - Oh, yeah.
299
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:26,299
He's in the show. - That's right.
300
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,466
We're in the show.
301
00:09:27,566 --> 00:09:28,534
We're chorus girls. - That's right.
302
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:29,702
No. No, they're not.
303
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:32,038
I'm a chorus-- no, look, guard.
304
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,806
I brought the show up here. I'm a writer.
305
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,241
Yeah. And I'm a camera.
306
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:36,142
I'm a microphone.
307
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,076
All right.
308
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:37,843
That's enough, you guys.
309
00:09:37,944 --> 00:09:39,612
Everybody, out. - Listen.
310
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:40,813
You're making a terrible mistake here.
311
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,315
- Let's go. - Call the warden.
312
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:43,916
Hey, listen. I'm the president.
313
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,686
[shouting]
314
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:49,288
Hello, Warden.
315
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:52,959
[shouting]
316
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:01,200
The warden knows me.
317
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,134
Yeah.
318
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:02,969
He knows us too. - Look.
319
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:04,637
I'm telling you. Call the warden.
320
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:06,238
He'll tell you. - Yeah.
321
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,240
Now, look, you guys are in there because you're a troublemakers.
322
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,642
So just relax.
323
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:12,411
How can I make you understand that I'm not a--
324
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:13,579
I got it. Look.
325
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:14,613
Look at that, guard.
326
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:15,681
Look at that number. Look.
327
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:16,616
Check me in the files.
328
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:17,617
You won't find me there.
329
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,652
That is an unlisted number.
330
00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:21,854
Keep it quiet and maybe next time
331
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,356
you'll get to see the show. - Wait.
332
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,290
Guard, wait. Wait.
333
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,224
Guard, come back.
334
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:26,225
Wait a minute.
335
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:39,839
Hey, what do you know about that?
336
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,774
They won't let Shakespeare out of jail?
337
00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:43,476
What are you up to? You planning something?
338
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,710
That's it. It's a break, isn't it?
339
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,178
I'm a hostage?
340
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:48,047
You want-- you want better conditions?
341
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,815
Better food, I'll bet, too. Yeah.
342
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:51,250
Boy, I'll tell you something, you guys.
343
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:52,151
You deserve it.
344
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,886
Every-- every bit of it.
345
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,721
Hey, I'll tell you what I'll do. Let me out of here.
346
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:56,622
I'll go to tell the warden.
347
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:57,923
I'll tell-- I will.
348
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,225
What are you going to do to me?
349
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,093
We ain't going to do nothing to you.
350
00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:02,862
It's just that if you're here, you
351
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,830
ain't going to be in that show.
352
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,233
Well, what does that accomplish?
353
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,200
Justice.
354
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,402
Justice?
355
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,671
If we don't see the show, nobody sees the show.
356
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,440
Well that-- fellas, that's not justice.
357
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,374
That's vicious.
358
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:16,308
Oh, I mean, you know--
359
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,510
I mean it's revenge.
360
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:18,544
Gee.
361
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:19,712
I always get them two confused.
362
00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:21,013
Hey, look, you guys.
363
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,615
It's not going to do a bit of good anyway.
364
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,350
There's a lot of people up there that are going to do the show.
365
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,685
They'll do it right ahead without me, so holding me here
366
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:26,986
is not going to do any good at all.
367
00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:28,487
So you might just as well let me out of here.
368
00:11:28,587 --> 00:11:29,622
Guard!
369
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,924
Fellas, I'd like introduce to you
370
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:35,361
one of the great classical cello players of our time.
371
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:38,564
[booing]
372
00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:39,498
Now, wait a minute.
373
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:41,367
Wait a minute now.
374
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:42,668
You see? You see?
375
00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:43,669
Wait a second.
376
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:44,637
You see that's what I mean.
377
00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:45,571
That's what burns me up.
378
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:47,173
You see?
379
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,941
That's why you guys are sitting here with the West Point cadet
380
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,976
suits on for being wise guys.
381
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,912
Now, let's have a little respect, huh?
382
00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,080
Give the man a chance.
383
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:58,050
After he plays, we'll get him.
384
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:02,354
Let's hear it for one of the real great guys, Buddy Sorrell.
385
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,656
Let's hear it.
386
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,224
[applause]
387
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:07,860
[whistling]
388
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,296
A real sweetheart of a guy.
389
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:11,697
He does great imitations.
390
00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:14,400
He did Dillinger so good they're holding him over for 20 years.
391
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,668
[laughter]
392
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,136
Well, you want to hear a little music.
393
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,838
You're going to hear as little as little as possible.
394
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:22,074
Peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum, candy.
395
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:23,943
Oh, doctor, I'm so nervous.
396
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,644
This is my first operation.
397
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:26,545
I know just how you feel.
398
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:27,747
You're my first patient.
399
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,949
[cello music]
400
00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:31,717
30 days has September.
401
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:33,619
And my Uncle Irving for booking horses.
402
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:36,856
[laughter]
403
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,325
You know how they play Russian roulette in India?
404
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,694
One of the cobras is hard of hearing.
405
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:44,964
[cello music]
406
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,433
I told you guys it's not going to do any good.
407
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,101
There's going to be-- you're going to get in trouble.
408
00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:52,404
Hey, yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.
409
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,975
[laughter]
410
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,109
Hey, fellas, look.
411
00:12:57,209 --> 00:12:58,077
I'm sorry.
412
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,311
I'm sorry you can't see the show.
413
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:00,446
Believe me.
414
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:01,614
If it was up to me, I'd let you see the show.
415
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:03,182
I don't care what you did.
416
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:08,487
Hey, you know, Shakespeare, you're an all right guy.
417
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,356
Well, thanks a lot, Harry.
418
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,124
You going to let me go?
419
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,827
No.
420
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:16,662
Hey, Mac.
421
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:17,563
Hey, Mac!
422
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:18,664
Yes, sir.
423
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:20,332
What do you do in the show?
424
00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:21,433
Oh, well, nothing.
425
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,102
I just-- I sing, dance, joke just a little.
426
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:23,903
Nothing.
427
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,805
Hey, I'd like to see that.
428
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,306
Wouldn't you guys? - Yeah.
429
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:28,374
I'd like to see that.
430
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,075
But you aren't allowed up there, fellas.
431
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:31,911
Who said anything about up there?
432
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,412
Here. - Here?
433
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:34,446
BOXER: Yeah.
434
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,548
What do you want to do first?
435
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:36,715
Sing or dance?
436
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:37,683
What?
437
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,084
Yeah.
438
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:40,586
Do a little something, and then I'll call the guard
439
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:41,687
and tell him to let you go.
440
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:42,955
Wait a minute.
441
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:44,490
You mean, you want me to entertain here?
442
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:45,925
Why, sure.
443
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,861
You guys on TV is always saying thanks for letting us
444
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,262
into your living room.
445
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:53,432
Well, we're letting you into our living room.
446
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,436
And we ain't going to let you out.
447
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:04,843
And I'm supposed to know something about this business.
448
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:06,045
One day, a girl comes up to me.
449
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:06,979
She says, I got talent.
450
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:08,013
Make me a star.
451
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:08,948
I said, forget it.
452
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:09,982
You got nothing.
453
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:10,916
You know who that girl is today?
454
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,285
John Wayne.
455
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:15,254
[cello music]
456
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,057
And now, a song that has been sweeping
457
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:19,959
the country, and the country is sweeping it back to the city.
458
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:21,093
A song that you all love.
459
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,361
"It's Better to Be on the Rock Pile
460
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:25,764
Than To Have the Rock Pile on You."
461
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:29,935
[cello music]
462
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:32,805
Where's Rob?
463
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:33,839
I don't know, Laura.
464
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,507
You've asked a hundred times.
465
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:36,709
Nothing could happen to him.
466
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:37,743
Nothing?
467
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:40,079
The place is full of criminals.
468
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,981
You sure know how to hurt a guy, Laura.
469
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:45,484
Oh, Lyle, I'm sorry, but you know what I mean.
470
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:46,652
Don't worry.
471
00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:48,487
He's only been gone a few minutes.
472
00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:50,089
Lyle, we came in with four.
473
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,825
We'd like to leave with four.
474
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:56,395
Would you like to leave with five?
475
00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:57,596
Where could he be?
476
00:14:57,696 --> 00:14:59,632
He's probably downstairs chatting with the warden
477
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,866
about prison reforms.
478
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,534
Guard! [rattling]
479
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:03,502
Guard!
480
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:04,403
Guard!
481
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:06,739
Ow.
482
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:07,673
All right.
483
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:08,707
Knock it off there.
484
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:09,875
Now, I know why you're in there.
485
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:11,644
Boy, you're a real troublemaker.
486
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,078
He'll never learn.
487
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:15,080
Just keep it down in there, you guys.
488
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,448
And don't bother me anymore.
489
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:17,383
Guard, wait.
490
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,417
Wait!
491
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:20,386
Guard, what kind of a prison is this?
492
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:23,455
Maximum security.
493
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:27,059
A perfectly respectable citizen gets locked in a jail
494
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:28,661
cell, and nobody cares.
495
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,262
Oh, we care, Bob.
496
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:31,530
Rob.
497
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,632
Rob, it's just that we're starved for entertainment.
498
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:34,566
Go ahead.
499
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,269
Do something, huh?
500
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:38,404
All right.
501
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,105
The deal is that if I do something for you,
502
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:41,807
you guys will tell the guard the truth, right?
503
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,042
Right.
504
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,410
ROB: Promise?
505
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,011
Cross my heart.
506
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,513
This is silly.
507
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,983
Hey, Harry, what is that song that you like so well?
508
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,085
You know, with them all them doodahs.
509
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,753
HARRY: Oh, you mean the one we saw in the movie
510
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:55,921
last week with Will Rogers. - Yeah.
511
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,323
Yeah.
512
00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:58,857
Do you know that song with all the doodahs in it?
513
00:15:58,957 --> 00:15:59,992
With the doodahs? HARRY: Yeah.
514
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:01,327
Yeah Yeah. - "Camptown Races"?
515
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,028
Hey, that's it. That's one, yeah.
516
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:03,996
Yeah. Come on.
517
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:05,130
Sing it. - Come on.
518
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:06,031
Sing. - I don't know.
519
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:07,166
It's a pretty old song.
520
00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:07,966
I-- I don't know. HARRY: Go on.
521
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:08,901
Try it.
522
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,269
Well, let's see.
523
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,905
[mumbles]
524
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:14,006
Yeah. Yeah.
525
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:15,341
[mumbles] OK.
526
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:16,075
Yeah.
527
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,242
Uh, uh, let's see.
528
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:18,310
Um.
529
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:20,646
(SINGING) Camptown ladies, sing this song.
530
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:21,547
ALL: Doodah.
531
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,548
Doodah.
532
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,883
A camptown racetrack five miles long.
533
00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:26,185
ALL: Oh, the doodah day.
534
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:27,419
Hey, now, dance. Now, dance.
535
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:28,520
- Do a little dance. - Sing and dance.
536
00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:29,221
Going to run all night.
537
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:30,489
Going to run all day.
538
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,725
ALL: I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag.
539
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,226
Oh, the doodah day.
540
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,728
Say, he's pretty good, huh?
541
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,895
[humming]
542
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:37,796
ALL: (SINGING) Doodah.
543
00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:38,931
Doodah.
544
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:41,867
[humming] All the doodah day.
545
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:42,768
Yeah.
546
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:43,902
Yeah. Bravo.
547
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:44,837
Bravo.
548
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:45,738
Hey, Bob.
549
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,339
Bob, that's just great.
550
00:16:47,439 --> 00:16:49,141
Yeah, you know, you're almost about as good as Will Rogers.
551
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:50,476
Oh, thanks a lot, fellas. Look.
552
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,077
I got to go now, huh? - No, no, listen.
553
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,612
Do something else, huh?
554
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:55,414
But you said just do one thing, and you'd tell the truth
555
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,248
and help me out.
556
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:59,418
Rob, we've got a confession.
557
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,452
We lied.
558
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,290
Mrs. Petrie, please don't worry.
559
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:07,860
There's been no indication of any trouble.
560
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,395
What do you mean by trouble?
561
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:10,262
Hey, I know.
562
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,330
Like him holding him hostage when
563
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,531
they're planning for a break.
564
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:13,599
Oh. BUDDY: Right?
565
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,367
Buddy, you should have your own TV show,
566
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,569
"The Amazing Mr. Stupid."
567
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:19,471
What are you trying to upset her for?
568
00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:21,306
There's nothing to be upset about.
569
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,409
We'll have him back in no time.
570
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,376
From where?
571
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:25,911
Well, we're not sure yet.
572
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:27,479
Don't worry, Laura.
573
00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:29,515
If they do anything to Rob, they'll never get away with it.
574
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:30,749
Oh, Buddy.
575
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:31,884
Hey, Sally.
576
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:32,985
I just introduced you. You're on.
577
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:33,886
OK.
578
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,120
Do me a favor, will you?
579
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,457
Just keep that there until I get back.
580
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,593
[cheering]
581
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,863
(SINGING) When I was a little bitty baby,
582
00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:46,899
my momma rocked in the cradle.
583
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:51,703
In them old cotton fields back home.
584
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,373
When I was a little bitty baby, my mama
585
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:59,978
rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
586
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,648
Oh, when them cotton bolls get rotten,
587
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,317
you couldn't pick very much cotton in them
588
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:09,288
old cotton fields back home.
589
00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:12,524
It was down Louisiana just about a mile or two
590
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:17,396
from Texarkana in them old cotton fields back home.
591
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,502
It may sound a little bit funny, but you
592
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:27,940
really don't make much money in them old cotton fields
593
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,209
back home.
594
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:32,511
It may sound a little bit funny, but you
595
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:36,815
really don't make much money in the old cotton fields
596
00:18:36,915 --> 00:18:38,250
back home.
597
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:40,686
Oh, when the cotton bolls get rotten,
598
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,755
you couldn't pick very much cotton in them
599
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:47,693
old cotton fields back home.
600
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,462
It was down, down in Louisiana just
601
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,731
a mile or two away from the Texarkana
602
00:18:52,831 --> 00:18:55,701
old cotton fields back home.
603
00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:01,974
When I was a little bitty baby, my momma
604
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:08,413
rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
605
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,983
When I was a little bitty baby, my momma
606
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:16,488
rocked me in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
607
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:21,593
In them old cotton fields back home.
608
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:23,228
It was down in Louisiana, where we
609
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:24,930
used to have a little tiny shack about a mile
610
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:32,771
or two across the Texas border in the cotton fields back home.
611
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:36,375
[applause]
612
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:41,680
Look.
613
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,415
It's only a matter of time before I get out of here.
614
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,650
When the warden finds out you kept me locked in a cell,
615
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,185
you're going to be in some trouble.
616
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:47,419
Now, look, pal.
617
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:48,787
I know a great way to get into trouble
618
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:51,156
is to let a prisoner out of jail just because he
619
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:52,925
says he's a song and dance man.
620
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,793
I am not a song and dance man.
621
00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:55,994
I am a writer.
622
00:19:56,094 --> 00:19:58,564
Well, then write yourself a parole.
623
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:00,566
I simply came up here to entertain the inmates,
624
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:02,834
and I'll tell you something, I am never coming back again.
625
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:03,802
Hmph.
626
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:06,104
That's what they all say.
627
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,074
Say, Rob, we think you're an OK guy,
628
00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:10,676
and we're going to help you.
629
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,077
You are?
630
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:14,446
Guard, he's not one of us.
631
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,114
He's with the TV show.
632
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,983
Now, open up this door and let him out.
633
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:18,850
Yeah, come on. Let him out.
634
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:19,918
Oh, thank you, guys.
635
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:20,852
I'll never forget this. Come on.
636
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:21,820
Open it up.
637
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,455
You must really be nutty.
638
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:27,292
I don't believe you, and I'm going to believe them?
639
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,294
We never thought of that, Rob.
640
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:31,296
We tried.
641
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:32,598
Look, Guard.
642
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:33,432
Look at me.
643
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:35,634
Do I look like a convict to you?
644
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:39,004
You don't act like one, but you sure dress like one.
645
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:39,972
That's it.
646
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:40,973
What's it?
647
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,174
I don't dress like one.
648
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,875
Is this the underwear of a criminal?
649
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:50,882
[cheering]
650
00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:54,152
OK. Shut up.
651
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,621
Shut up.
652
00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:59,191
I'd like you to meet two people who fingered me and got
653
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:02,060
me in here, but they're great.
654
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,562
Let's really hear it for them, huh?
655
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:04,263
OK.
656
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:05,330
Real big.
657
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:07,099
Rob and Laura Petrie.
658
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:08,133
Let's hear it.
659
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:09,134
Huh?
660
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:12,137
[applause and whistling]
661
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:14,106
Hit it, boys.
662
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:15,107
[music playing]
663
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,109
The worst thing I ever saw.
664
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:20,812
[music playing]
665
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:32,924
(SINGING) I've got your number.
666
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,194
I know you inside out.
667
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:39,398
You ain't no Eagle Scout.
668
00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:42,801
You're all at sea.
669
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:43,802
Oh yeah.
670
00:21:43,902 --> 00:21:45,604
You brag a lot.
671
00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:49,341
Wave your own flag a lot.
672
00:21:49,441 --> 00:21:52,311
But you're unsure a lot.
673
00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:55,981
You're a lot like me.
674
00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:59,217
I've got your number.
675
00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:02,454
And what you're looking for.
676
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:09,227
And what I'm looking for just suits me fine.
677
00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:12,164
BOTH: We'll break the rules a lot.
678
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:15,333
We'll be darn fools a lot.
679
00:22:15,434 --> 00:22:18,170
But then why should we not?
680
00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:21,139
How could we not combine--
681
00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:24,109
BOTH: When I've got your number.
682
00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:31,950
I've got the glow you've got.
683
00:22:35,954 --> 00:22:38,223
I've got your number.
684
00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:43,028
And, baby, you know you've got mine.
685
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,870
[applause]
686
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,272
[whistling]
687
00:22:54,372 --> 00:22:58,243
[dance music]
688
00:22:58,343 --> 00:23:02,514
[shoes tapping]
689
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:51,696
[applause]
690
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:57,502
OK, guys.
691
00:23:57,602 --> 00:23:59,237
And now, we're in for a treat.
692
00:23:59,337 --> 00:24:01,540
Rob has a surprise for us.
693
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,375
Oh, thank you very much, Lyle.
694
00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:04,843
As a memento of our little visit up here
695
00:24:04,943 --> 00:24:07,345
to Granville State Prison, we have a door
696
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,014
prize for some lucky convict.
697
00:24:11,817 --> 00:24:13,885
We're going to give him a door and let him out.
698
00:24:13,985 --> 00:24:15,287
[laughs]
699
00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:16,621
No.
700
00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:19,090
What it is is a beautiful transistor radio.
701
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:20,292
OK, Sally.
702
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:22,494
[murmuring]
703
00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:27,132
Read the number.
704
00:24:27,232 --> 00:24:35,207
And the winning number is 5278.
705
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:36,508
That's me!
706
00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:37,876
Hey, I won it. I can't believe it.
707
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:38,810
That's me.
708
00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:39,544
I won.
709
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,146
[clamoring]
710
00:24:41,246 --> 00:24:42,147
Wait a minute.
711
00:24:46,084 --> 00:24:50,021
[theme music]
47372
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