All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E30

[theme music playing]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Are you sure you have the tickets?

Well honey, I've got them right here,

just relax and enjoy a nice meal.

We've got plenty of time.

Have you made your choices?

Yes, we have.

I think we'll have the specialty du jour.

The specialty of the day, very good choice.

Two calf's head vinaigrette.

Calf's head?

Wait, wait a minute, the specialty's

supposed to, supposed to be the trout amandine.

No, no, no, no.

Trout amandine is for Wednesday.

Well, today is Wednesday.

No, it's not.

Well, it better be, we got tickets for a show.

For Maurice, it is Tuesday.

Maurice?

The chef.

You see, he was sick Monday.

He came in Tuesday, and he start the week a day late.

Can we eat the calf's head?

I don't think so.

No, I think we'll have a little something else.

What would you suggest here?

Well, how about trout amandine?

You just said--

I just said it is not the specialty.

Well, what's the difference?

About $0.40.

Well, we'll have-- we'll have two trout

amandine and some white wine.

Fine.

Honey, did I tell you how lovely you look tonight?

I don't believe it.

No, I mean it, with the hair or something,

you look different.

- Rob, put your head down. - Huh?

- Get down. - What do you mean?

Ow.

What'd I say, honey?

Rob, just stay down.

Oh, you broke the skin, I think.

Just stay down, Rob.

I'm not going to stay down until you

tell me what's going on. What's going on?

Rob, a couple just came into the restaurant,

and I don't think they'd like us to know they're here.

What couple?

This one.

Oh, that's a fine table.

Whose feet were those?

Jerry Helper.

Jerry and Millie?

I thought they couldn't come tonight.

Not-- don't turn around.

Not Millie.

It's not Millie?

Definitely not Millie.

Rob, move your chair over so they can't see me.

Who's he with?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Who is that girl?

Rob, don't turn around.

Are you sure it's Jerry?

Of course I'm sure it's Jerry.

Who is-- Rob, don't.

How can I tell you who is that girl if you

don't let me turn around?

All right, then turn around, he's not looking.

No.

Have you got a mirror?

That's a good idea.

Poor Millie.

Honey, that's a pretty big jump

from who is she to poor Millie.

All I know is that Millie said the reason they

couldn't come with us tonight was because Jerry

was busy at the office.

Some busy.

I bet that looks a little funny.

[inaudible]

To each his own.

A glass of wine for you, sir, and one

for your lovely daughter.

No, I'm his wife.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But in our little hideaway, not every couple

is husband and wife.

Poor Millie.

Honey, what do you mean, poor Millie?

- Take a look. - Is it OK?

Yes.

Poor Millie.

It's none of our business and I refuse.

Rob, it is not such a terrible thing

just to look in someone's garage to see if their car is there.

I don't think so, I don't want to spy on my friend

see if he's home yet.

Well then I will.

Well?

It's not there.

What does that prove, honey?

It proves poor Millie.

Will you stop with the poor Millie?

My gosh, all the way home, poor Millie,

all the way through dinner, all the way through that show,

poor Millie.

I see a hit musical, I came out humming poor Millie.

Besides, we don't even know if it's poor Millie.

Well, what then, poor Jerry?

Why not poor Jerry?

You have no idea why he was having dinner with that blond.

He was having dinner and having the time of his life.

He was just having dinner.

Rob, you didn't even see them.

How could I see them?

You wouldn't let me see them.

I told you what I saw.

Let me just recap for you what you saw.

You saw two people sitting there, chatting amiably.

Very amiably.

All right, all right, very amiably.

He lit a couple of cigarettes for her.

Mhmm, which is something he never did for poor Millie.

I don't even do it for you half the time.

All right, but I don't see you at a restaurant having

dinner with a blond floozy.

Whoa, now hold it.

Since when did she become a blond floozy?

I thought she looked like a very nice girl.

Oh, Rob, you hardly saw her.

Honey, I saw her legs when they came in,

and those were not the legs of a floozy.

Oh, Rob.

Let's not be cute.

No, really, she looked like a very nice girl to me.

All right, Rob, but whoever or whatever she was,

the fact remains she was having dinner

with somebody else's husband.

Maybe she didn't know that.

Oh, come on.

Look, honey, when a man's out on the town

he doesn't go around telling girls he's marr--

forget what I said.

I didn't-- you know--

you're just twisting my words.

You know what I mean.

You mean poor Millie.

I don't mean any such thing, honey.

There's probably a very decent explanation

of why the two of them were having dinner

in that restaurant tonight.

If there was any evil in the situation, it was at our table.

Rob, how can you say that?

You and I are the ones that jumped to a sordid conclusion

about it. We're the ones that hid.

They walked in there like two upright Americans with nothing

to hide.

Now if we had sat up like normal people,

Jerry would have probably come right over to the table

and said, hello Laura and Rob, I'd like for you

to meet my cousin from Denver.

And we would have said--

Baloney.

No, honey, we would have said, won't you join us?

We would probably have had a very

enjoyable evening with Jerry and his beautiful cousin

from Denver.

Rob, I hope you're right.

But I keep remembering Millie said

that the reason they couldn't come with us

was because Jerry had a late appointment.

So who says that she wasn't his late appointment?

At the office?

All right, it started at the office

and ended up at the restaurant.

Hmm.

Why, it's possible, honey.

Maybe he fixed her teeth and took

her out to see if they work.

Rob, why are you defending Jerry?

I'm not defending Jerry.

I am defending the principle that a man

is innocent until his wife proves him guilty.

I must say--

Shh. [sound of car]

It's Jerry's car.

It's him.

Well, it's about time.

OK, now you've got him all punched in,

can we please go to bed?

Where do you suppose they went after the restaurant?

I don't know, why don't you call him on the phone

and ask him where he went?

- I don't think we'll have to. - Why?

Don't turn around.

He brought her home?

No, Rob, it's Jerry.

What'll we do?

We'll just say hi, hi Jerry.

No, I mean--

Hi, Jerry.

- What do we say about tonight? - Huh?

We'll just tell him we saw a good play tonight.

Rob, I mean his tonight.

Well, we'll talk about our tonight

if he wants to talk about his tonight.

- All right. - It's his choice.

OK, well I'm going to bed.

No, don't go to bed.

He saw you, he'll think something's wrong.

Well, he probably doesn't want me to be here.

Honey, please, huh?

[stammering] I'll let him in, he knows you're here.

Hi, Jerry.

Oh, hiya, Jerry.

What's the big discussion?

It's cold out there.

I saw your lights on. Hi, Laura.

Hello, Jerry.

We've just had an argument about the show

we saw about tonight. - Yeah?

Well, how was it? - Oh, great, great.

Oh gee, I wish I could have seen it,

but I wish we could joined you.

Who?

You, you guys.

I wish we could have joined you, but well, I, I had,

I got hung up.

Hung up?

Uh, well, we understand that, Jerry.

We'll get tickets for something next week.

We'll all go out. - Oh, great, great.

You know, I owe Millie a night on the town.

Uh-huh.

Well then, great.

I'll get four tickets, and we'll go out just like old times.

Fine.

Oh, except Tuesday.

I've got this late thing on Tuesday.

- Uh, like tonight? - Yeah, right.

I see.

Oh listen, could I steal a cup of coffee?

I've been dying for one.

I went to this restaurant, they served rotten coffee.

Jerry, I'm sorry, we haven't got any coffee.

Gee, Rob and I had marvelous coffee.

We had dinner at the White Peacock.

What's that got to do with anything, honey?

You-- you had dinner at the White Peacock?

Um-hmm.

Hey Jerry, how about a little milk?

Yeah, OK, fine.

Which White Peacock, east or west?

West, why do you ask?

East, north, west or south, what difference does it make?

A peacock's a peacock, isn't it?

West, are you sure?

I was at the White Peacock west.

You were?

How about that, honey, he was at the Peacock west.

That's a surprise, isn't it?

I didn't see you, did you see me?

Well, as a matter of fact--

As a matter of fact, we came before you left.

We, we, you weren't there yet, we didn't see you, Jerry.

It's too bad we didn't see each other.

That way, you wouldn't have had to eat alone.

Yeah, yeah, right, right, but well,

actually, I didn't eat alone.

How about that, honey?

Jerry didn't eat alone.

And you were worried.

Worried?

Well, that you had to eat alone.

Who did you have dinner with?

Well, I, I was with this doctor friend of mine.

A doctor.

Tony Gagliardi.

Tony Gagliardi?

Yeah.

A little more milk, Jerry?

No.

No, I really don't want it.

Listen Rob, I think I'll, I'll make some coffee at home.

- OK. - It's late.

I'll see you both later. - Yeah, Jerry.

- Good night. - Good night.

Maybe she's Italian.

Well, she could be, she could be a northern Italian.

You know they're blond with blue eyed up there,

or maybe it's bleached.

And she's a doctor.

Well, she doesn't have to be a doctor doctor, he didn't say.

A PhD she could have been, or a veterinarian.

Sure, a bleached vet.

Look, honey, no matter who she is, it's none of our business.

All right now, look, I can't say anything

to Millie about this, but I think you ought

to have a talk with Jerry.

Me?

Well, it's obvious I can't.

Honey, I don't understand why anybody has to talk to anybody.

It's their business.

But Rob, they're our best friends.

I know they're our best friends.

Well, it wouldn't hurt I guess, to give Jerry the opportunity

to talk to me about it.

Maybe he wants to tell me who she really is.

So you don't really believe she's a doctor either.

Well, hon, it takes 12 years of hard, grueling study

to become a doctor.

Anybody with legs like that wouldn't

have any time to study.

Oh, that's too bad, Jerr.

I thought maybe we could drive in together this morning.

No, no.

Well, listen, can we have lunch together?

Well no, nothing important.

I-- I feel like I owe you a cup of coffee

after last night not being able to.

Oh, well, no, that's OK.

No, I'll pick you and we'll drive back home-- uh--

oh.

Yeah.

Well, look, have an early dinner, come over,

we'll shoot a little pool.

Oh, I see.

No, I understand.

We'll drive in together in the morning.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, how about Thursday?

Friday?

Yeah, that's, yeah, well.

Well look, I'll see you the weekend.

I promise to bring my tools over and help you--

yeah.

Oh, no, I understand, Jerry.

Well, I'll see you in August, I guess, huh?

Bye, Jerry.

Rob, don't hang up.

Oh wait, Jerry, don't hang up.

Laura wants to talk to Millie.

OK.

Boy, does he not want to talk to me.

I think he suspects we suspect him.

You suspect him.

Remember, I keep saying that Jerry is innocent.

And why are you going to talk to Millie?

I thought we said you weren't.

I don't want to talk to her, but she may want to talk to me.

Hi, Mill.

How are you?

You sound like you have a cold.

Well, that's good.

Say, Millie, I, I just made some great blueberry muffins.

You want to come over and have some coffee?

Fine.

I'll see you in a little while.

Honey, remember, let her do all the talking.

I will.

Let's just hope, Rob, there's nothing to talk about.

Will you not act so nervous?

I'm not acting nervous, but I promised her blueberry muffins.

Now I got to make them.

How do you like that husband of mine?

Must have eaten half a dozen muffins.

You really shouldn't have bothered making any more.

I'm really not very hungry.

Aren't you feeling well?

Oh, I'm fine.

I just don't seem to have much of an appetite lately.

Oh?

Well, maybe you ought to have a checkup.

Well, I just had a checkup.

Doctor says I'm fine.

Fine.

Hmph.

Millie, I know just how you feel.

It must be the weather.

The weather's beautiful.

I know, and that makes it worse, doesn't it?

Makes what worse?

Well, whatever it is that's making you feel depressed.

I didn't say I was depressed.

I just said I wasn't hungry.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Laura, do I seem depressed to you?

No, you-- you just don't seem hungry.

Laura?

Yes?

Maybe I will have another muffin.

It might be just the thing I need.

Sure, Millie, a nice hot muffin, it'll

cheer your whole mood up.

What mood?

Well, you just seem--

Have I seemed moody to you lately?

No no, Millie, you seem just fine.

Well, I'm glad someone thinks so.

Well, who doesn't think so?

Well, I for one don't.

If I ask you something, would you give me an honest answer?

Well, sure Millie.

What is it?

Well, even if you knew that by telling the truth,

you might hurt someone you like?

Well, I guess that would depend on how

much that person would be hurt.

Let's say a lot.

Would you?

Well, then I guess too it would depend on who that person

I like was.

Let's say it was someone you liked as well as me.

Oh, well, Millie, there aren't very many people I like

as well as you.

Oh.

Well, let's say it was me.

Is it you?

Yes, it's me.

[crying]

Millie.

Oh Millie, go ahead, let it out.

Laura, you know how much I was looking

forward to going with you and Rob to that play last night?

Yeah, Millie, you were the one who suggested

that we get the tickets.

That's right.

And you know why we didn't go?

Well, you, you said that Jerry had an appointment.

Do you know who the appointment was with?

Well no, how would I know?

I can't tell you, I'm too ashamed.

Oh, I can't open the door?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Rotten Jerry.

How about doing a husband and wife sketch?

Why make fun of marriage?

Since when are you defending marriage?

I think marriage is wonderful.

Without it, husbands and wives would

have to fight with strangers.

Why don't we do a good jealousy sketch.

You and Laura having a problem?

No, why do you ask that?

Well, because every sketch idea you've come up with today

has to do with husbands and wives not getting along.

Yeah.

What'd Laura do?

Nothing.

She happens to be crazy about me.

I'd like to ask you kind of a hypothetical question, though.

Hey, he's up to the h's.

Yeah, hypothetical.

You know what that means?

It means it's happened to him, but he's going to try and make

us think it was somebody else.

No, it isn't me.

Look, suppose-- suppose a person had a friend.

It's him.

No, it's not.

You know, a friend who to all intents and purposes

is a happily married friend.

Happily married.

Well, that lets me out.

And me.

Can you guys stop it?

Now suppose this person saw the friend at a restaurant having

dinner with a strange woman. - Yeah.

Yeah. Go on.

Well, should the person who did the seeing

tell his friend that he saw him?

And how would you go about telling him?

Hey, I'm not a college fellow, you know, so would you kind

of un-hypothetical this for me?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, are you the guy who did the seeing?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, Laura and I both saw.

Ah, Buddy, hey, didn't I tell you?

I told you.

What?

I told Buddy, but he wouldn't believe me.

See, I told you, but you wouldn't believe me.

Tell him what?

Talking about Jerry Helper, aren't you?

Who told you, Sal?

Nobody told me.

I could have told you.

Were you there last night?

Were they out again last night?

Again?

When did you see them?

About two weeks ago.

Are you sure?

Look, what do you mean is she sure?

She tried-- I had to almost tape up her mouth

to keep her from telling you.

Yeah, well he said it was none of my business

and it was probably a patient or a cousin or something.

Yeah.

That's just exactly what I said to Laura.

Where did you see him?

Getting into a cab.

Where'd they go?

I didn't follow them.

Well, where did they come from?

How do I know?

Sal, why did you wait till now to tell me?

We didn't think there was anything to tell.

Yeah, he didn't but I did.

You see, I told you we should've told Rob right then and there.

Yeah, so what, so they'd have gotten

a divorce two weeks earlier.

Where'd you see them?

Well, last night Laura and I were having dinner at the White

Peacock and in Jerry walks with this big, tall, bleached blond.

Bleached blond?

Well, Laura thought she was bleached.

Oh, she's bleached all right.

What makes you so sure?

Because when I saw them, she was a redhead.

A redhead?

A short redhead.

We saw him with a tall blond.

My gosh, he's got two of them.

Not necessarily.

Maybe when she dies her hair, she shrinks.

Oh, come on.

Oh, boy.

Well, that does it, no matter how unpleasant it is,

I'm going to have to sit my friend Jerry down and have

a nice long talk with him.

Yeah, I think you're right, Rob.

That boy sure needs help.

Needs help?

I think he's doing beautifully by himself.

Now honey, if you run into Jerry in the path,

don't say a word to him.

I won't.

And remember, not a word to Millie until after I

talk to Jerry and you and I have another meeting.

Oh Rob, let's just hope this is some crazy mistake

and not what we know it is.

Don't worry, honey, it is.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

I see you have your plunger.

Uh, well, here's Rob.

Good-bye.

Bye.

What's the matter with her?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with your garbage disposal?

Garbage disposal?

Yeah, you said there was something wrong with it.

- Oh, yeah. - Well, let's take a look at it.

Jerry, there's nothing wrong with it.

Well, you just told me--

I know it, Jerry, I lied.

You lied?

Yes, I lied.

We all lie once in a while, don't we, Jerry?

Yeah, but-- hey Rob, what's with you?

You.

You are with me.

You know, that's the second time I've lied to you this week.

When was the first time?

Jerry, put that plunger down and listen to me.

Hey Rob, what goes?

Laura and I saw you at the White Peacock last night.

You saw me--

well, why didn't you come over to the table?

Jerry, I was with my wife.

You weren't.

Now who was she?

I told you, Rob.

I know you said a old friend, Dr. Tony Gagliardi.

Are you going to stick with that story?

Rob, that is--

hey, wait a minute, you don't think that I was--

I'm not here to think, Jerry.

Well Rob, that's who I was with.

That blond was Toni Gagliardi.

Toni, T-O-N-I. Gagliardi, G-A--

All right, Jerry.

Who was the redhead, Dr. Zorba?

Which redhead?

Which-- you mean there's another redhead?

Ah, come on, Rob.

Jerry, look, you were seen two weeks ago getting into a cab

with one of your "friends."

Now look, what'd you do, hire a private detective

to follow me?

Jerry, who was she?

And don't tell me she's a long-lost relative.

Rob, I don't owe you any explanation.

Jerry, I know that.

And I want you to know I'm not doing this for anything

except my affection for you and Millie.

Now who was she?

She's my cousin.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Rob.

Don't you realize what's at stake here?

She's my cousin Sheila.

Jerry, if you want me to butt out, just say so.

Butt out, Rob.

Rob?

What?

Can I have my plumber's helper back?

Jerry.

Yeah?

Think of the kids.

Ah, doggone it, Rob.

OK.

OK. Sit down, Rob.

Yeah?

Rob, I'm going to tell you something.

I want you to promise that you won't tell anyone.

Oh, Jerry, I promise.

OK.

Now Rob, if Millie finds out that you know,

she'll be very upset.

Millie knows?

It was her idea.

Wait-- the redhead?

It was her idea?

Oh, will you forget the redhead?

I told you she's my cousin Sheila.

OK.

The blond was Millie's idea.

Right.

Oh, Jerry, come on.

I know we're supposed to be nice sophisticated suburbanites,

but that's a little too much for me.

Rob, Dr. Toni Gagliardi is a marriage counselor.

A marriage counselor?

Right.

Toni, T-O-N-I, and she's a doctor of psychology.

Millie and I are--

well, we're-- oh, how should I say it, you know,

we're having a little problem.

The redhead?

Oh, Rob.

The redhead is my kid cousin Sheila Marshack,

and I've been fixing her teeth since she

was eight years old so will you forget the redhead already?

Well, so who's, who's the problem?

We are, Millie, Millie and I, that's what the problem is.

We-- well, lately we've been fighting with each other

more than we should.

And, well, before we did any real damage to our marriage,

we decided we ought to talk it over with a counselor.

Wait a minute, Jerry, I'm not saying

I don't believe you or anything, but isn't it a little bit

strange to take your marriage counselor out to dinner?

Yeah, right, but she's not our marriage counselor.

You just said--

She's a marriage counselor, but because she's a friend,

she can't counsel us, so she was recommending someone.

Yeah?

Right, and maybe this person will help us out.

Help you out?

Well, sure, how would you like to be married to a woman that

still kept you on the same budget you had when

you went to dental college?

You know, I mean, I mean, I married a chipmunk.

Save, save, save.

I want to live.

I can't go in and buy a pair of sweat socks

without feeling guilty.

I'm doing great, right?

Well, she's got me living like a failure.

That's your problem?

Yeah, that's it, among other things.

That's great.

What's great about having a marital problem?

Jerry, you're having marital problems.

We thought you were having marital problems.

Listen, Rob, let's get one thing straight.

No matter what I say and how much I hate that girl

next door, I still love her.

Oh, me too, Jerry.

Let's go get some coffee.

Yeah.

She made you feel guilty about buying sweat socks?

Yeah, listen, we'll be lucky if we get coffee next door.

Oh, doesn't my little hausfrau look cute tonight?

Just beautiful.

Honey, you are the most--

I'm adorable, adorable.

A little stingy, but adorable.

Boy, that marriage counselor sure knows his business.

You know, it's amazing how talking out your problem

can solve them?

Why, we've only gone for five visits

and already it's made a difference.

Six visits.

No, it's five, honey.

- Six, Jerry. - It's five.

I ought to know, I have to get up an hour earlier

for those cockamamie visits.

I write the checks, and it's six cockamamie visits.

Honey, it's five visits, really.

Six.

It's five visits, really it is.

Wait, hold it, you guys.

This is a little bit silly, isn't it?

I'm no psychologist, but it's not important

really whether you went five times or six times

to see a marriage counselor.

The important thing is you have to go at least one more time.

[theme music playing]