All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E28

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey honey, what is this junk?

It's a new recipe for leftovers.

Oh, where'd you get the recipe?

On the back of a box of pepper.

You want some water?

I've got some.

Hurry, darling.

Oh, boy.

[ringing telephone]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Sal, what's up?

Laura? Yeah, she's right here.

Just a second.

She's recovering from a recipe.

Hi, Sally.

Hi, Laura. Is Rob there?

Oh, well, I thought you wanted to talk to me.

I do, but I mean, uh, can he hear us?

Well, Sally, what's the matter?

I'm at the Marlowe Galleries on 57th Street.

A new art show started this week.

So?

Uh, ham and cheese on rye, OK?

Yeah, and hold the pepper, will ya?

Now, what'd you say, Sally?

Well, there's a picture here you just wouldn't believe.

Of what?

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd swear it was you.

Me?

Well, that's funny.

It's not so funny, Laura.

Do you happen to know a painter by the name of Sergei Carpetna?

Do you want any mustard on yours?

SALLY (ON PHONE): Laura?

Laura?

Do you want any mustard?

Uh, yes.

You do him?

How about mayonnaise?

No, no.

You don't know him?

Yea-- yea-- yes, I do.

I-- you'd better make your own sandwich.

Listen, did he ever paint a picture of you?

Laura?

Did he ever paint a picture of you?

[clears throat] Yea-- yes, he did.

[clears throat]

Can't believe it.

Listen, Sally, if it's the one I think it is, I can explain.

If you have to explain, it's the one you think it is.

There it is.

Oh.

Laura, look, one thing you've got to say.

He's painted some funny things, but this one,

there's something about it that's really beautiful.

Oh, Henry, look.

This is the one I was telling you about, "October Eve."

Oh, it is lovely.

It must be from his early period.

Yes, I suppose.

Well, let's see.

Ah, yes, here.

"'October Eve,' Carpetna's inspiration for this work was

his feeling that only in autumn, the evening of the year when

nature sheds its outer superficial covering,

does the world show its true inner beauty.

A perfect example of the genius of his early period."

Yes, it certainly is.

His skin tones are so alive and natural-looking.

Laura, everyone seems to love it.

Well, I hate it.

OK, OK, let's have the whole story.

But before you start, I want you to know one thing.

What?

I believe you.

Well, Rob always said that he wanted a painting of me.

And so when we first moved to New York,

I decided to have one done.

Like that?

Sally.

Anyway, a friend of mine used to go with this painter.

He was unknown, but good.

And a little eccentric, but good.

And this painter was, uh, Carpetna.

Right.

Anyway, I went down to a studio in Greenwich Village

to pose for him, in slacks, a sweater, and a scarf.

Slacks, sweater, and a scarf?

Go ahead, I still believe you.

Well, anyway, I--

not here.

It's too crowded.

Oh, I'm not worried about it.

I'm just annoyed.

I can't figure it out.

Because everything was fine until Sally called.

And something about Sally's call upset Laura.

Maybe she called collect.

No, Sally told Laura something,

and then she began to act peculiar.

You know, when I asked her what was the matter,

she said nothing.

Boy, when a woman says nothing, it means something.

From that minute on, the whole evening was shot.

And then this morning, Sally calls up and tells

you she's going to be late.

Now, those two are up to something,

and I don't know what it is.

It's not my birthday, not my anniversary.

Hey, Sally got a new fella.

Well, now why should that concern Laura?

Maybe she's got a new fella for Laura.

You know, I just figured something out.

What?

In a situation like this, you're absolutely useless.

Why should that concern Laura?

Holy mackerel.

Holy mackerel, all right.

But I thought you said you ruined it.

It doesn't look ruined.

I tried to destroy it, but he fixed it.

He retouched it.

And you never told Rob?

Well, we were practically newlyweds,

and I was embarrassed.

Well, who would think it would ever turn up here, or anywhere.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to have to tell them.

I mean, people we know are bound to see it.

You saw it.

And Rob comes in here an awful lot.

Well, he'll understand.

You did.

Yeah, but Laura, I'm not your husband.

Knowing Rob, the only thing he could possibly be upset about

is that I didn't tell him about it when it happened.

The only thing?

Yes.

Good, uh, good dinner, honey.

It's a lot better than that pepper

stuff we had the other night.

Wasn't that awful?

I mean, it was just so awful.

Ah, I mean, that really was awful.

It was murder.

Sally, uh, came in this morning and said you

two had a lot of fun.

Oh, yes, a lot of fun.

See, I couldn't understand how you

could spend an entire morning in a yarn shop like that.

Oh, well, Rob, they have such yarns today, darling.

You could just spend a whole week in the store,

making up your mind.

The reds and the blues and the mohairs.

OK, that does it.

That's enough.

What?

Sally didn't say anything to me about going to a yarn shop.

Now, what are you two up to?

Well, what do you mean?

Aw, come on, honey, I'm dying to find out what's going on.

And I'm dying to tell you, Rob.

I just don't know how.

Honey, there's nothing the matter with you, is there?

You're not going to have another--

Oh, Rob.

Would Sally call and tell me that?

No.

Rob, do you remember when we were first married,

you bought me a black sweater and pants.

And you-- - Yeah.

You remember you said you'd like

to have a painting of me in that outfit

so you could hang it in your den?

Are you having a portrait done in that--

do you still have that outfit?

No, Rob, I'm not having a portrait done.

I already had one done.

Where are you hiding it, honey?

Rob, would you just let me tell the story?

Oh, I'm-- I'm just helping.

Well, you're not.

Anyway, this friend of mine, Gloria Edwards, remember--

Yeah.

--had a friend who was a painter.

So I went to him.

Well, I never knew that.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

And anyway, I went to a studio and posed for him for weeks.

I was so excited, I could hardly sit still,

waiting for it to be finished.

(WORDLESS SINGING) Darling, don't look.

(WORDLESS SINGING)

Oh, Sergei, I can't wait to see it.

Lauriska, your way, darling.

Now, don't move.

My husband is going to be so excited.

That peasant, what does he know?

Jokes he writes for Milton Berle.

No, Alan Brady.

What's the difference?

He's a jolly jokester, a peasant.

He should kiss the ground of a girl like you.

Well, I love him.

So you're a peasant too.

Say, when are you and Gloria going to get married?

If I'm lucky, never.

She's not good enough for me.

You know what your problem is?

You're just too much in love with yourself.

Right, and even I'm not good enough for me.

Well, I feel sorry for Gloria.

And I feel sorry for the "Mona Lisa."

When she sees this, she wouldn't smile no more.

Could I move?

You can move, jump, do somersaults, anything you want.

You mean it's finished?

Except for the most important thing.

Carpetna.

Ah ha ha.

I'm so excited, I'm almost afraid to look.

Don't be afraid.

You're never more beautiful.

Oh, that Petrie is a lucky peasant.

For 50 lousy bucks, I made you immortal.

Come darling, come.

Come, and we look at my lovely portrait of Laura, huh?

- What-- - Heh.

What--

Heh, I did, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But-- but-- but-- my-- you-- you're-- what's--

Breathtaking, isn't it?

How dare you!

How dare me?

How dare me what?

Well, my, I--

why, I never-- you-- you--

[gasp]

You are a crazy person.

How could you?

I'm a genius.

I can do anything.

And besides, I not like the tone of your voice.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, what, ooh ah, what is that?

Well, that's not me.

I mean, not the way I was standing over there.

That is more you standing there than when

you were standing there.

How do you look like you know what you were standing there.

Where you standing here? No, you were there.

I was here.

I didn't look like that.

Did you have a mirror?

No, of course not.

I don't need a mirror.

True.

All the mirror shows is the outside of a person.

The true mirror of a person is in the eyes

and the brush of the artist.

And this, my darling, is the way I saw you.

You know what you are?

You're-- you're just evil.

Evil?

Heh.

Evil is in the mind of the beholder.

If you see evil in this painting,

then more's the pity for you.

There's no evil here. No.

All right, I don't want to argue with you.

Just fix it. - Fix it?

Yes, fix it.

You just put-- you know what I mean.

Oh, fix it.

You mean ruin it.

No, no, this picture is finished--

signed, complete, finished.

I wanted a painting for Rob.

A picture of me, exactly the way I look in this outfit.

For that kind of a picture, you take a camera,

you go to Central Park, you get on a pony

and snap your brains out.

You-- you-- you wanted a painting, a painting you got.

I don't want that painting.

I wouldn't let Rob see that in a million years.

And neither would I. I painted you as a goddess,

and you're acting like a peasant.

All right, look.

Just tear it up, hmm?

Tear it up?

Yes, tear it up.

Tear it up, I would rather tear myself up.

All right, lady.

Listen my little darling lady girl

woman, outside, back to New Rochelle,

the land of the peasants.

Goodbye, lady peasant.

Tear it up.

A piece of art, you don't tear up.

Even-- what did you did?

What? What?

What!

Ooh, you're a crazy person.

What did she-- [sputtering vocalizations]..

I'll wipe it off.

He painted a picture of you--

honey, I think it's funny, really.

I don't see why you were so nervous about telling me

about it.

Well, Rob, you see, Sally--

well, Sally--

Sally met Carpetna.

That's it, of course.

And she mentioned The Alan Brady Show.

He made the connection right away

and told her the whole story, right?

Well, in a way--

You shouldn't be so upset.

For crying out loud, I understand completely.

And the point is, you didn't do anything wrong.

For that matter, neither did he.

The guy's an artist, you know?

I mean, even if he did paint you that way.

Rob--

Well, in a way, I'm kind of sorry you destroyed it.

I would have loved to seen that picture.

Can you imagine Sally meeting the painter.

Boy, it's a small world.

No, Rob, Sally didn't meet the painter.

Huh?

She met the painting.

Huh?

She saw the painting.

Well, I-- I thought you, uh--

So did I, Rob, but he fixed it.

Where did-- where did he see it?

In an art gallery.

I saw it too.

Oh, one of those little places down in Greenwich Village, huh?

No, one of those big places on 57th Street.

No kidding, huh?

He-- he must-- he must-- he must be a pretty big artist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, how do you like that?

My little Laura inspired him.

Honey, he'll probably cut off his ear and send it to you.

Aw, Rob, I'm so sorry.

Honey, stop, now, there's nothing to be sorry about.

Oh, Rob, wait till you see that picture.

That's what it is, honey.

It's just a picture.

It's a painting. It's art.

And art is art.

Yeah, well, it may be art, but it's also me.

Oh, I hope they sell it fast so it's out of that gallery

and out of sight.

Well, honey, if you're-- if he's as good as you say,

he probably will, and the whole thing will be over with.

Oh, I hope so.

Listen, don't worry about it anymore.

Oh, Rob, you're so understanding.

That's what we're here for.

Now look, go and splash some water on your face

and feel better.

I wish I told you this last night so I

could have gotten some sleep.

Well, that's what we're here for.

I love you.

Just relax about it.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[cough]

Oh, excuse me.

Why don't you do that one over there?

Why?

Well, I'm doing this one.

Uh, good afternoon.

Oh, good-- good afternoon.

I couldn't help noticing that since you've come in here,

you've looked at nothing else but my "October Eve."

Well, it-- I like--

is that-- you did that?

Sergei Carpetna.

Oh, you're-- oh, you're the, uh, perpetrator

of this painting, huh?

Well, I've never heard it quite expressed that way,

but I guess I am, yes.

I notice you're making a sketch of it.

You like it very much huh?

Oh, what-- what's not to like?

I-- I mean, there's nothing there to get upset about.

You have a very unusual way of expressing yourself about that.

Yeah, so do you.

I suppose you-- you use a real, uh, live, uh, person?

Oh, yes.

It's much easier than to build one.

Much.

Who-- [cough] who, uh, who is she?

I'm sorry, I don't divulge.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're-- you're an artist, and-- and you're a fine gentleman.

Well, an artist, yes.

A gentleman, I don't know.

But we never tell who our models are.

There's no point to it.

She was a beautiful girl, a good study,

but an artist sometimes sees things that aren't there.

Yeah, and misses some that are.

Yes.

How, uh-- how, uh, much is she?

Oh, this painting is $5,000.

Fi-- five-- thou-- um--

[whistle]

Well, that's a-- that's a lot of, uh, money.

Well, I've already had three offers for it,

Three?

Mm-hmm.

There's a South American millionaire

wants it for his mansion on top of a mountain in Brazil.

That's a wonderful place for it!

David Schuman wants it too.

What, the producer?

Yes, he wants to hang it in the lobbies of his theaters.

And the-- the World's Fair wants it.

The World's Fair?

They want to hang it in the art pavilion.

The art pavilion, hmm.

Well, I-- I wouldn't like to influence your-- your decision,

of course, but I think it would, uh, be a great place for it

up on that mountain in Brazil.

There's only one thing that will

really influence my decision,

- What is-- what is that? - Money.

Yes.

The first one to offer more than $5,000 gets it.

Oh.

Yes, pardon me a moment.

Oh, yes, well, I'd vote for that guy in Brazil.

Why-- Mel Cooley, you son-of-a-gun!

What are you shouting about?

Well, look at that.

Isn't that yellow painting beautiful?

What's the matter with you, Rob?

I'm just glad to see you, Mel. that's all.

Well, but you saw me 20 minutes ago in the office.

What are-- what are you doing here?

Well, you think you're the only art

lover on "The Alan Brady Show"?

And look at that yellow.

The blue one, it's junk.

It's junk, isn't it?

Rob, you're hurting my arm.

Come on, look at the rest of them, Mel.

It's all a lot of junk.

If you've seen one, you've seen all of them.

Rob, what is the matter with you?

Nothing, Mel.

I-- I'm worried.

About--

About that, uh-- that meeting this afternoon.

Meeting? What meeting?

At 1:30 with the sponsor.

Didn't they tell you about that?

My secretary is going to-- are you sure?

I'm sure.

We're all due there.

Are you--

Rob, right you're hurting my arm.

Yeah, we better go.

It's almost that time now, Mel.

Come on, we've got to-- taxi!

Rob, you're hurting my arm.

Taxi!

That's my wife up there.

Rob, look, no matter how we feel about it, we cannot

afford $5,000 for a painting.

$5,000+.

Remember, there are three other guys we got to outbid.

And I could have had it for $50.

Oh, boy, you should have paid him, grabbed the painting,

and run.

I did pay him.

You paid him for the painting?

Yes, I had to.

We needed the money for canvases and paints.

I paid him!

You didn't get your money back?

No, I just ran.

Did you get a receipt?

I had one.

It was hand-painted, but I threw it away.

Doesn't make any difference.

Honey, the fact of the matter is, we own that painting.

Well, we don't have the receipt.

He doesn't know that.

Do you think we can force him to give it to us.

Sue him, or something?

We'll sue him.

You-- ha, would you like to have that

in a courtroom as exhibit A?

Well, what then?

I don't know, honey, but I--

all I know, tomorrow is going to be round 1 of the painter meets

the peasant.

[knocking]

(WORDLESS SINGING) Come in.

Hello.

Oh, yes?

Well, I-- oh.

Oh, my funny-talking friend.

What are you doing here?

Well, uh, you weren't at the gallery.

They told me you might, uh, be here.

You, uh, you live here?

I used to.

Now I only paint here.

Who could live in a pigsty like this?

What, uh, what can I do for you, my friend?

Uh, my name is Robert Petrie.

So?

Laura Petrie's husband.

Laura Petrie?

"October Eve."

Ho, ho, ho, ho, Lauriska.

Yeah.

Oh, no wonder you were staring at that painting.

Oh, look my friend, if you come here to punch me

or to strangle me, forget it.

There was nothing between us, nothing.

I know that, she told me,

Oh, good.

You are perhaps interested in buying the painting?

Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Carpetna, I don't have to,

uh, do that.

I already own the painting.

Uh, again you're talking crazy.

You see, my wife Laura paid you $50 for that painting.

$50 for an original Carpetna?

That's ridiculous.

Well, that's when you were painting and, uh, living here.

I know what it was, it's still ridiculous, heh.

Uh, you say she--

she paid me for it?

Yes, as a matter of fact, she has a beautiful

hand-painted receipt.

Yes, that's what I used to give.

You'd be surprised how much they're

selling those receipts for now.

Well, I don't care about that.

I don't care.

You don't care.

You come here to claim a $5,000 painting for $50?

I could fight you on this.

Not if you're reasonable.

Now, look, my wife and I both think

it's a-- a beautiful painting.

We're just a little uncomfortable having it around.

And you want to get it so you can destroy it?

Well--

Never, I won't allow it, sir.

You do not destroy my paintings.

I would rather knock you in the head than allow you to do that.

Well--

And a piece of art is not destroyed.

- Hold it. - It is not destroyed.

Wait, now calm down.

Never mind calm down.

You don't destroy art.

Now look, all-- all I want to say

is it would be a crime to destroy

a beautiful painting like that.

It would also be a crime to deprive

you of the money you've struggled

so hard to earn with your work.

That was a very good sentence.

Come on, come on.

Continue, continue.

Well, all we really want for our $50

ownership is the right to choose which one of your offers

you accept.

Petrie, you are an unusual man.

Petrie, you're not a peasant.

Where do you want the painting to go?

You remember that fella in Brazil

with a mansion on top of the mountain?

I like to see "October Eve"--

Like it had wings, it's off to Brazil,

flying to the mountaintop.

Heh heh, you're all right, Petrie.

Hey, I bet you know art.

Come, tell me.

Tell me, what do you think of this painting?

Uh--

Huh?

Uh, well, uh, to be honest with you, I don't like it.

You-- you don't like it?

I-- I don't like it,

You're right.

It's junk, garbage.

It's peasant garbage.

I try a new technique, but it's nothing.

It's just for fun.

You can't beat brushes. - Yeah.

Come on, Petrie, we have some fun.

Let's kill us a painting.

Really?

Sure, go ahead.

Hey, you've got talent, you know?

This is fun.

Look, look, look, look.

Wait, wait.

Look what you made here.

You made me deaf.

That's what you made.

(WORDLESS SINGING) You're looking again.

I just can't wait.

When you're getting an original Carpetra for $50,

you'll wait.

Well, I must say, uh, it's very, very generous of you.

Generous deserves generous.

Come.

Hm?

Hm? - My.

Uh-oh.

Gee, that really is something, isn't it?

You mean you are still upset that I paint you as I see you?

No, no, if that's the way you see me,

then that's the way you see me.

But-- but that is you.

Isn't that art?

Well, yeah.

Honey, I think it looks a lot like you, there,

especially right around the noses.

I got your noses.

[music playing]

[music playing]