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[theme music]
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NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews,
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and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Hey, honey.
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Come here a minute, will you?
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LAURA: Darling, I've already seen the car.
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Come on.
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You haven't seen it from this angle yet.
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Oh, god.
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Oh, don't be that way.
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Come on, look at that.
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Will you look at that shaft of moonlight
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shining on our Tarantula.
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Sure does glisten, boy.
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It's not chrome, honey.
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That is stainless steel.
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[horn honks]
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Oh, Come on, Rich, that's enough.
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Hey, Rich, knock it off.
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That's enough now.
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Oh, honey, is that dreamy?
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Is that a model car?
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No, that's sports.
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Is that god status?
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Uh!
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The driving of it, it's so effortless, so smooth.
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It is like smoothie.
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Who can we call?
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The most jealous of it, Jerry, of course.
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Rob, you're gloating.
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Well, why not?
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Honey, I hadn't had a good gloat in the last five years
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as we got our last new car.
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Honey, did you notice the way the counter stuff, the handles.
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That counter stuff has no wind resistance at all there.
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The whole car's that way, aerodynamic.
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Well, even the A's race, teardrop designed,
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do you not understand?
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Did you notice you're a nut?
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Only about things automotive.
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I love growing, all right.
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When?
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Well, I don't know.
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When I get a new helicopter, I guess.
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Oh, I may just chip in.
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I don't think it could be any more giddy about that.
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Jer?
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This is Rob.
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Ah, my friend, you are speaking to a gentleman
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who just took delivery on a brand new Tarantula
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at the Park Avenue.
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Shall I roast today?
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I am not.
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It's parked right out in front of the house right now.
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Come over my friend and take a look at this automobile.
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What do you mean you can't?
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What?
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Jerry, you can go to a second show, can't you?
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What do you mean in the morning?
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Jerry, I'll be driving it to work in the morning.
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Hm.
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No I-- not.
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All right. No.
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Forget it, Jerry.
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It's all right.
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Just forget it.
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Oh, my god.
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Boy, what sour grapes that is.
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But darling, the car's going to be here for years.
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I know, honey.
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But the car is only new today.
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What's the sense I have a new car if you can't have your best
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friends envious of you.
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Hey, you know, I haven't seen this kind of behavior
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since Richie got his two wheeler.
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There's a reason to be jealous of him and his 1958 Edsel.
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Sitting on the front seat on a thing is like a divan.
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And an automatic transmission, you know what that's for?
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It's for old ladies.
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Boy, this car-- bucket seat and that stick shift.
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Ghhr.
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You know you nestle down on this thing like an astronaut.
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But, Rob, I took the station wagon in for a tune up.
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Good, honey.
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Good to get in there and keep it in tune.
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Yeah.
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Well, they're going to have to have it for a day.
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That's all right.
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Listen, I want that thing an A-1 top shape
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go, go, go condition for my family.
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[music playing]
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I'm not as interested in food now anyway.
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Darling, I still have to feed Richie.
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You know what the great thing about this car is?
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That you can't bring it into the house.
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No.
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No, the thing is so far ahead of its time.
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You know something?
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Three to four years from now, this car will still be worth--
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[horn honks]
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Rich, cut it out.
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Doggonnit.
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He's probably, get the sneakers all over the upholstery.
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Rich, hey, knock it off.
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But come on in here right now.
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He's getting his dirty feet all over the seats, honey.
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Rich, oh.
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Where did you get this funny hat?
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Yeah.
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Where did you?
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It is not funny, it's British.
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And who says the British have no sense of humor?
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Look, Rich.
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This car is not the old station wagon.
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I don't want any candy wrappers or gum
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or lollipops on the seats.
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I don't want any taffy or gunky stuff in the ashtrays.
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Richie, are you listening to me?
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Darling, if you want him to listen,
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you're going to have to take off the hat.
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Ah!
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Richie, why don't you go wash your hands up for dinner now,
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huh? - OK.
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Listen to daddy, and I'll take you for a ride in the car
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tomorrow, OK? - OK.
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Honey, look at this.
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When you look at a car like that, what do you feel?
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Extreme fear.
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Fear?
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Why fear?
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Because I have to ask you if I can use it tomorrow.
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What?
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See?
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Why?
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Darling, I told you the station wagon is in the shop.
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Why tomorrow?
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You-- I-- there's--
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Buddy and Sally haven't even seen it yet, honey.
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I-- oh.
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No, if you want to shop and done,
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I'll pick up whatever you want on the way home.
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Rob, I have to have the car.
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I have to drive Richie to school.
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It's my turn for the carpool.
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You're going to put that pool in my car, honey?
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You're going to put a dozen kids in that--
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Darling, there aren't a dozen.
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Well, I don't care.
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They might as well be.
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For crying out loud, candy wrappers and little slips
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of paper gaunt all over it.
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They'll ruin the new car, smell with their peanut
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butter sandwich smell.
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I'll put their lunches in the trunk.
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There is no trunk.
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That is the auxiliary motor.
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All those kids, they're yelling in your ear all the time
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you're going to run into something.
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Oh, darling, I won't.
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I'm a careful driver.
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You know that.
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Darling, I wouldn't ask you.
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But Sadie Stein has taken my carpool turn
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the last three times.
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Ah, but honey, the first day.
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I haven't even driven myself in the daytime yet.
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Oh-- you-- someone can run into you, you know.
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I'll drive 10 miles an hour in the right hand lane
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with a horn going all the way.
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Well, all right.
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I-- I don't want anything to happen to that car.
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Oh, darling.
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Don't be ridiculous.
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What could happen?
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[music playing]
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Beautiful, she's fast, and she doesn't make us sound.
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Beautiful, fast, and quiet?
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Impossible.
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There's no such woman.
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Hey, what's he talking about?
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He fell in love with the Tarantula.
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So what?
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I married one.
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Oh, you got the new car, huh?
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Oh, yeah.
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You got the new T-Bug.
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It's real sweet, huh?
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Oh, it is the ultimate.
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Yeah.
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Hey, you ever seen one of those Tarantulas?
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No.
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They are built so close to the ground.
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If you want to get in, you got to come up through a manhole.
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Oh, this one, when you get in and it's
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got those great little bucket seats, you know.
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You know what's wrong with bucket seats?
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Everybody got a different sized bucket.
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Rob, you're going to take us for a drive in Central Park
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during lunch?
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I can't.
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I left that at home.
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You left Central Park at home?
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The first day, you didn't even bring the car down?
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Gosh, I thought you'd park it right here in the office.
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Oh, boy, I would have, except it was Laura's
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day to take the kids to school.
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You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
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Tarantella.
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- Tarantula. - Oh, yeah.
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I forgot.
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Boy, I left it with her with a bunch
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of kids yelling in her ear.
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Boy, when I get a new car, I won't even let pickles in it.
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If we have to go someplace, I just drive, and she runs along.
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What am I so worried about anyway?
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Laura happens to be a wonderful driver.
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All women are wonderful drivers.
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It's just that those men designers have done everything
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they can to confuse us.
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First, they put the starter on the dashboard.
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Then they put it on the floor next to the accelerator.
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Then it's on the left, and it's on the right.
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First they put the stick shift on the floor.
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Then they put it on the wheel, and it's automatic.
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Then they put it between the two seats, and it's not automatic.
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Do you know that I once pushed in a cigarette
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lighter on the highway, and I went in reverse?
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I think I'll just check to see if she's
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been smoking on the highway.
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[phone rings]
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Hello?
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ROB (ON PHONE): Laura?
235
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Yes, Rob, what is it?
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Well--
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Well, what?
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How was she?
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Who?
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Our Tarantula, honey.
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How did she handle?
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Oh, beautifully.
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Good, would-- you didn't have trouble with the stick shift,
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did you? - No.
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No trouble with a stick shift.
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That's my girl.
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Do you love that car?
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Yes, darling.
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I really love it.
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You sound strange, honey.
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Well it's probably the connection.
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Honey, I forgot to tell you something.
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Listen, don't park that car under a tree or under a bird.
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Oh, and listen.
255
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Get into the garage tonight before the dew falls, OK?
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Yes, darling, I will.
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[door bells] Oh, Rob.
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There's somebody at the door.
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I have to hang up now.
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Do you love that car?
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Yes, Rob.
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I really love it.
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We'll talk about it tonight, huh?
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ROB (ON PHONE): OK.
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Bye, dear.
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She loves it.
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Hi, I just came over to ask--
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Oh.
269
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,339
Millie, the most horrible thing. - What?
270
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:01,240
What?
271
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:02,808
Rob's new car.
272
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:03,576
Yeah.
273
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,711
It looks like a dead bug.
274
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,013
- Do you see it? - Yeah.
275
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:08,614
This morning when you picked up the kids.
276
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,583
Oh, Millie.
277
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:14,153
I was driving so carefully, Millie.
278
00:09:14,253 --> 00:09:17,423
And I went to the market to get a bunch of bananas.
279
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,425
And I parked it so carefully, Millie.
280
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,460
I wasn't in that store for five minutes.
281
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,528
And when I came out--
282
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:23,429
What?
283
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:24,363
What happened?
284
00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:26,098
A scratch.
285
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:27,433
A scratch?
286
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:29,068
Not a scratch.
287
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:31,370
A scratch!
288
00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:32,271
Where?
289
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,306
The front or the rear?
290
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,340
Yes.
291
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,274
Which?
292
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:36,809
Both.
293
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:40,046
It goes all the way from the front fin to the back wing.
294
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,747
Oh, Millie, what am I going to do?
295
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,516
Rob will kill me.
296
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:45,084
Well, first, you better get hold of yourself.
297
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:47,587
But this wasn't the first time a car was ever scratched,
298
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:48,721
you know.
299
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:50,423
It's the first time for this one.
300
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,657
That's what's so awful, Millie.
301
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:52,925
And Rob warned me.
302
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,694
Oh, well, they always warn you.
303
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,762
What good does that do?
304
00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:58,264
The car's insured, isn't it?
305
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,800
Yes, but I'm not.
306
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,469
Millie, Rob will kill me when he finds out.
307
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:05,104
Well, why does he have to find out?
308
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:07,306
Get it repaired, and don't tell him.
309
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,441
Don't tell him.
310
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,775
Millie, when he gets home tonight,
311
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:12,712
he's going to kiss the car before he kisses me.
312
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,380
They know they can fix it in a day.
313
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,715
Not before he gets home.
314
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:18,150
Well, make an appointment for tomorrow.
315
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,087
But he's going to want to drive the car to town tomorrow.
316
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,054
Well, stall him.
317
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:22,888
Don't let him.
318
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,090
You can think of some excuse.
319
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:24,957
Oh, Millie.
320
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,859
He's going to be wild, just wild.
321
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,261
Tell us-- the garage to keep your station
322
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,198
wagon for another day, and that'll give you an excuse.
323
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,332
Well, what about tonight?
324
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:35,301
I mean, the minute he goes into that garage.
325
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:36,869
Which side is the scratch on?
326
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,270
The right. Why?
327
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,372
What difference does that make?
328
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,474
Well, he gets in on the left.
329
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,076
And if you park it close to the wall
330
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,213
and steal a light bulb from the garage, it'll be dark,
331
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,147
and he won't see a thing.
332
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,081
He won't see a thing.
333
00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:50,349
But gee, Millie.
334
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,551
That seems so sneaky, though, not letting him know?
335
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:53,586
Well, believe me.
336
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,154
I'd rather not know.
337
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:58,824
You don't think it's dishonest?
338
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,527
Well, sure, it's dishonest.
339
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:02,428
All right.
340
00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:03,462
I'll do it.
341
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:09,568
ROB: Honey, where are you?
342
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,569
Oh, hi.
343
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,938
In the kitchen.
344
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:13,639
Hi.
345
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:14,607
Hi.
346
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:15,675
Hey, you're a good girl.
347
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,143
Why?
348
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,944
Because you didn't leave my car under a sappy tree.
349
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:20,980
You put it in the garage.
350
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,815
Hey, honey, let's go for a drive, huh?
351
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:23,949
What? Before dinner?
352
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:25,151
Sure, just a short spin. Come on.
353
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,552
No but I have to get dinner ready.
354
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:27,653
We'll have dinner out, honey. Come on.
355
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:28,921
I know, what about Richie?
356
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,089
We'll take what you long. You'll love it.
357
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:31,457
No, but he has to do his homework.
358
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,491
That's all right, honey.
359
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:33,726
We'll leave him here.
360
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:34,694
Just you and me to go just at the park.
361
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:35,928
We'll be right back.
362
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,096
But Rob, we can't leave Richie alone.
363
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,264
We'll get a sitter for a quick set.
364
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,832
No, Rob.
365
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,601
Darling, I've had such a terrible headache all day.
366
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,570
You'll really have to excuse me.
367
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,172
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
368
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,706
Look, why don't you go and lie it down.
369
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:49,442
Take that old nap, and I'll be right back, OK?
370
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,743
But Rob--
371
00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:52,311
Honey, I just want to put a few miles on.
372
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:53,479
I'll be right back.
373
00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:54,680
But Rob--
374
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:56,248
Honey, you didn't expect me to have
375
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:59,919
dinner before I put some mileage on my Tarantula, did you?
376
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,022
No, I guess not.
377
00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:05,724
(SINGING) Grab your coat and get your hat.
378
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,793
Leave your worries on that doorstep.
379
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:13,232
[car starting]
380
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:20,806
What you doing?
381
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:24,477
[screams in surprise] Darling, don't ever
382
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:28,747
sneak up on mommy that way, OK?
383
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,950
Daddy sure has been calling a long time.
384
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:33,586
No, just seems a long time.
385
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:34,787
Stop a minute be quiet.
386
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,692
Not him.
387
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,193
It seems forever.
388
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:42,495
What does?
389
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,929
The way you're eating.
390
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,264
Well, you told me to stop.
391
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:47,299
Well finish it up.
392
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:48,267
- Mommy? - Yes?
393
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,201
What--
394
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:50,302
Stop a minute.
395
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:54,507
- It's daddy. - Sit still.
396
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,441
Act as if nothing happened.
397
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:56,342
What did?
398
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,843
Nothing, eat, eat, eat.
399
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,726
Brand new car, right?
400
00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:16,395
Brand new car.
401
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,230
So what happened?
402
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,966
Darling, it's not really that bad.
403
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,568
It's not that bad?
404
00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:25,671
I try out the windshield wiper, the knob falls off in my head,
405
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:28,174
how do you like that?
406
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:28,908
Is that all?
407
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:30,242
Is that all?
408
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:31,777
Honey, a brand new Tarantula is worth to have
409
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,712
all of the bugs out of it.
410
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:35,114
Listen, darling, I got a great idea.
411
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:36,715
Why don't you leave the car with me tomorrow,
412
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,184
and I'll take it into the shop.
413
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:39,618
They can put the knob back on and check all the bugs.
414
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:40,953
Oh, no, I'm taking it back tomorrow
415
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:42,421
to the guy who sold it to me.
416
00:13:42,521 --> 00:13:43,322
He's making it good.
417
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:44,423
Yeah, but Rob--
418
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:46,492
I am going in first thing in the morning.
419
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:47,626
Rob, you can't.
420
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,762
What?
421
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,063
Richie, dear, if you finished eating,
422
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,231
would you go to your room, please?
423
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,766
What happened? I still have grapes.
424
00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:55,000
Well, I tell you what, darling, you can finish
425
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,068
them up in your room, huh.
426
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,403
You always say I'm not allowed.
427
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,304
You're not.
428
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,104
You don't.
429
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:02,441
So this time you can, right?
430
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:04,376
What was that all about?
431
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:08,347
Rob, I have to have the car again tomorrow.
432
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:13,853
And you knew I'd yell so you sent Richie out of the room?
433
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:15,187
Come on, Rob.
434
00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,189
They still didn't get my car back from the shop.
435
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,023
That girl.
436
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,658
Why can't Millie take her lead.
437
00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:21,060
It's her turn.
438
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,294
Well, Millie has her car in the shop, too, Rob.
439
00:14:22,394 --> 00:14:23,062
I don't--
440
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:24,597
She thought I have yours.
441
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,299
Why can't I ever have my own car, everybody else gets.
442
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:30,970
Why can't-- Richie walked just one time, won't hurt him a bit.
443
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,271
All that way?
444
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,673
When I was a kid, I walked twice that far.
445
00:14:34,773 --> 00:14:37,076
And I was a puny and runt.
446
00:14:37,176 --> 00:14:38,777
- Where are you going? - I'm going out.
447
00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:40,346
What are you going to do?
448
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:43,415
I am going to sit in my car, maybe the only chance I get.
449
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:47,753
I can't drive it, at least I can smell it.
450
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:51,023
[music playing]
451
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,741
Are you going to work without having breakfast?
452
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:09,875
Well, I had some Mr. Coffee, honey.
453
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:10,909
I'll pick up something.
454
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,211
Well, why didn't you wake me?
455
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,712
Well, I wasn't sure you'd be speaking to me.
456
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,581
I was going to leave a note.
457
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:16,548
Rob?
458
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:17,549
Honey, look.
459
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,852
I'm sorry about last night.
460
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,454
Honey, I was just a loose snob, I know.
461
00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:24,456
It wasn't like getting sap on the hood
462
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,025
or something like that.
463
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:27,760
You know how I am about a new car, honey.
464
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,362
I just hate anything that's imperfect.
465
00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:31,897
But you know, I know it's ridiculous.
466
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,299
I admit it.
467
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:34,300
I thought you were upset with me because I have
468
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,534
to have the car again today.
469
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:36,735
Honey, don't be silly.
470
00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:38,203
I'll call a taxi like I did yesterday.
471
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,872
Oh, darling, that's awfully nice of you.
472
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,473
Well, I mean, not for me, for you.
473
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:42,241
Huh?
474
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,909
Well, I'm taking the car.
475
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,144
Well, what about Richie?
476
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,980
Honey, he'll take the taxi to school.
477
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,915
Children don't take taxis to school.
478
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:51,817
Good then we'll be pioneers for a change.
479
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,085
[inaudible] used to love it.
480
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,620
Look, they'll watch the meter jump
481
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:55,921
up and down as educational.
482
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,089
Come on.
483
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,457
Let him go in style for a change.
484
00:15:58,557 --> 00:16:00,426
Oh, Rob.
485
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:04,763
[music playing]
486
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,433
[car starting]
487
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:10,269
Hi, Rob.
488
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:10,969
Hi, Rob.
489
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,204
Rob?
490
00:16:23,382 --> 00:16:24,783
Rob?
491
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:27,953
You're gonna cry?
492
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:31,056
See, Bushy, even made him feel bad.
493
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,826
Rob, what's the matter?
494
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,260
Well, he's either got a toothache,
495
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:38,497
or somebody stepped on his Tarantula.
496
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:41,166
Oh.
497
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,335
How that happened to your new bug?
498
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:49,341
It is now an old bug with an 8-foot scratch.
499
00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:51,076
Oh.
500
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:53,012
Yesterday she talked me out of the car.
501
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,813
She took it herself, very persuasive young lady.
502
00:16:54,913 --> 00:16:57,850
She tried it again today but not quite so persuasive today.
503
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,151
She let me have the car.
504
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:01,787
And I opened the town smiling and happy,
505
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,122
the King of the Highway.
506
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:04,757
And when I got into town--
507
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:05,824
You wrecked the bug.
508
00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:06,959
No.
509
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:10,095
I found it had a great big scratch.
510
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,530
Who scratched it, Laura?
511
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:12,731
No.
512
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:15,667
I parked it at the central garage just to be safe.
513
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,169
I forgot to leave the keys.
514
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,237
I couldn't have been two minutes.
515
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:19,705
I went back, and there it was.
516
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,507
Like somebody took a nail and--
517
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,612
Well, Rob, take it easy.
518
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,546
It's only paint.
519
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:28,380
It'll heal.
520
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,848
I took every precaution.
521
00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:31,917
I went to a covered garage.
522
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,987
Within 30 seconds--
523
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,689
Why didn't she talk me out of the car today?
524
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:38,657
How did it happen?
525
00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:39,992
Who knows.
526
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:43,529
Some sadist with a can opener, I don't know.
527
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,764
The garage said nobody ever even got near.
528
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:46,832
They said I came in with it.
529
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:48,233
How do you like that? - Sue.
530
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,468
Yeah, that's right. Sue.
531
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,202
Oh, boy.
532
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,270
Well, I like to sue.
533
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,838
Just for the principle, I think.
534
00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:55,441
I don't care about the money or the bother or anything else.
535
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,910
People should not be allowed to go around scratching
536
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:01,847
heavily financed Tarantulas.
537
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:03,015
I'm calling my lawyer tonight.
538
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,650
Well, don't wait until tonight.
539
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,684
Call right now.
540
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:06,685
What's your hurry?
541
00:18:06,785 --> 00:18:08,353
That a boyfriend's a lawyer?
542
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:09,988
I hope that I got a date with one tonight.
543
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,523
Who wants to take me out?
544
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,659
And if Rob doesn't call his lawyer now instead of work,
545
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,360
and he'll be spending all day going,
546
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,429
I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue.
547
00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:18,564
Exactly. That's right.
548
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:19,631
I'm going to sue.
549
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:21,133
I am going to sue. - You stay-- all right.
550
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,367
All plaintiffs come with me.
551
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:24,803
Come on.
552
00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:25,838
MILLIE: Why don't you take this?
553
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:26,972
Maybe it'll fix your headache.
554
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:28,307
No, thanks, Millie.
555
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:29,741
It won't fix the car.
556
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,652
All right.
557
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:42,287
Where's Marvin Birmingham's home number?
558
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,856
Marvin? Our lawyer?
559
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:44,990
What do you want with Marvin?
560
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:46,225
Why does anybody want a lawyer?
561
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:47,593
I want to sue somebody, that's what.
562
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:50,329
I was calling him in his office all day long today,
563
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,130
and he was in the courtroom.
564
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:55,167
What kind of a lawyer is he, anyway?
565
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,635
Who are you gonna sue?
566
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,103
I'm gonna sue the person responsible for scratching
567
00:18:58,203 --> 00:18:59,071
my car.
568
00:18:59,171 --> 00:18:59,938
I don't care what you say.
569
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,073
I want to do it.
570
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:02,641
Rob, listen, about the car--
571
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:03,942
Just hold it.
572
00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:06,678
Marvin-- Rob-- mad.
573
00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:07,813
That's how I am, buddy.
574
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,848
Look, are you going to be there a little while?
575
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,683
Can I come over and talk to you?
576
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,920
My new car, I parked at the center garage today,
577
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:18,157
and some stupid sadist ruined it.
578
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:19,858
Oh, is it bad?
579
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:20,792
They desecrate it.
580
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,127
You want to see it.
581
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:24,196
There's a big scratch up and down the whole car.
582
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:28,867
So that's what I want to do.
583
00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:29,835
I like this--
584
00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:30,736
Thanks, Marvin.
585
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,838
I'll be right over.
586
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,039
Rob, listen, about the car.
587
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:35,007
I feel just awful.
588
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,375
Well, thanks, honey.
589
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:42,681
Oh, Millie, I feel like a criminal.
590
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:44,149
What am I going to do?
591
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,417
I'll tell you what you're going to do.
592
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,186
You're going to keep your fingers crossed
593
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:48,987
and your little mouth shut.
594
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,255
But I can't.
595
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,691
You do it for women drivers everywhere.
596
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:53,692
Ah.
597
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:57,729
Millie, it's not right.
598
00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:00,465
A wife shouldn't lie to her husband.
599
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:03,402
Look, it wasn't your fault the car got scratched, right?
600
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:05,037
But is Rob going to believe that?
601
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:06,572
No.
602
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,574
He's going to use it as an example against women drivers.
603
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:12,711
And you'll be giving our whole wonderful sex a black eye.
604
00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:15,047
How can I let Rob get involved in something that's going
605
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,815
to make him look like a fool?
606
00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:19,818
I've just got to tell him.
607
00:20:19,918 --> 00:20:21,219
I think I'd better leave.
608
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,654
Oh, Millie, no. Don't leave me.
609
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:24,223
If you're here, maybe he won't kill me.
610
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:25,524
He won't kill you.
611
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,492
Listen, before you tell him the truth,
612
00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:29,661
give wine another chance, OK?
613
00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:34,666
Hey, honey.
614
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:35,701
Hi.
615
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,707
Did you see Marvin?
616
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:42,641
Oh, yeah.
617
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,643
I just saw him for a minute there.
618
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,512
And he was off to one of his big meetings, you know.
619
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:49,748
Rob, I don't think you ought to sue.
620
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:50,983
Why, honey?
621
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,085
Well, Rob, there's something I have to tell you.
622
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,119
What?
623
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:55,254
About the scratch on your car.
624
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:56,188
What?
625
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:57,589
What about it?
626
00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:59,958
Well, darling, it didn't really happen the way
627
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:01,026
you think.
628
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:02,728
Well, how then?
629
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:04,329
Well--
630
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,765
Honey, what are you trying to say?
631
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:09,468
Well, do you remember the day I drove Richie
632
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,037
to school that first day?
633
00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:13,905
Well, Rob, I stopped at the market.
634
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,641
I parked it so carefully, Rob.
635
00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:18,276
And I wasn't in the market for more than five minutes.
636
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:21,079
And when I came out--
637
00:21:21,179 --> 00:21:24,249
all for a bunch of bananas.
638
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:25,217
You did it?
639
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,652
No, I just told you.
640
00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:27,586
I didn't do it.
641
00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:28,420
I know.
642
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,921
I mean, the garage didn't do it.
643
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,690
No, I wish they had.
644
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:33,759
Rob, tell Marvin you're not going to sue.
645
00:21:33,859 --> 00:21:35,060
Well, honey.
646
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,396
He didn't think that suing was a very good idea anyway.
647
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:38,497
He didn't?
648
00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:39,564
No.
649
00:21:39,665 --> 00:21:41,033
He pointed out to me that even if I won,
650
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,834
it will still cost me more than letting the insurance
651
00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:44,236
company handle it.
652
00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:45,170
Oh, Rob.
653
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:46,738
Oh, honey, come on.
654
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:50,142
Let's take for funny about it, just a little teeny scratch.
655
00:21:50,242 --> 00:21:51,410
It could have happened to anybody.
656
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:52,377
You're not angry?
657
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:53,812
Oh, don't be silly, honey.
658
00:21:53,912 --> 00:21:55,547
A little paint, and it'll be good as new.
659
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:57,582
That could have happened to anybody, honey.
660
00:21:57,683 --> 00:21:59,251
Don't worry about it.
661
00:21:59,351 --> 00:22:00,319
Listen, you're a good driver.
662
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:01,787
It happens to good drivers.
663
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,956
I mean, things like that even happen to men drivers.
664
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:10,362
Honey, what the-- what I mean is--
665
00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:12,064
well, I'll-- funny, I lived here.
666
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,131
I was awful man.
667
00:22:13,231 --> 00:22:15,600
I didn't watch very well.
668
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:20,739
What happened when you weren't watching so well?
669
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:25,043
Well, you know those four cement posts
670
00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:26,344
there beside Marvin's driveway?
671
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:27,279
Yeah.
672
00:22:27,379 --> 00:22:28,413
Yeah.
673
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,514
Well, I-- I turned in the driveway
674
00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:31,116
about three yards too soon.
675
00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:34,986
You knock down a post?
676
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,154
Yes, honey.
677
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:38,857
It could have happened to anybody.
678
00:22:38,957 --> 00:22:39,891
What about the car?
679
00:22:39,991 --> 00:22:44,096
Well, the offenders are kind of like--
680
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,397
but you know, they hammer them out
681
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:46,364
and sand them and paint them.
682
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:48,567
And it's good as new.
683
00:22:48,667 --> 00:22:50,635
Of course those posts--
684
00:22:50,736 --> 00:22:51,403
Posts?
685
00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:52,704
You hit two of them?
686
00:22:52,804 --> 00:22:56,374
Well, one going in and one back and out.
687
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:58,610
Rob, you poor thing.
688
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,179
Dad has been the worst of it, honey.
689
00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:02,380
Look at that hat.
690
00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:05,283
Oh, crap.
691
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:07,552
How did that happen?
692
00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:10,555
I was trying to help Mrs. Birmingham up off the ground,
693
00:23:10,655 --> 00:23:13,091
and her dog attacked me.
694
00:23:13,191 --> 00:23:14,292
Wait a minute.
695
00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:16,161
Now why did Mrs. Birmingham need help?
696
00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:20,132
Well, I-- she fainted when I back to her rosebushes.
697
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:21,032
What?
698
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:22,067
Honey, look at that.
699
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,568
It's a bunny's label.
700
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:25,403
There's not another hat like that in town that fits me.
701
00:23:25,504 --> 00:23:26,938
Honey, I don't-- what are you going to do?
702
00:23:27,038 --> 00:23:28,140
You can't sue a dog.
703
00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:44,790
Get the ice cream?
704
00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:47,359
I'm getting rid of that car.
705
00:23:47,459 --> 00:23:48,960
I mean it.
706
00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:50,629
I mean, I'm not going to have a car that I can't depend on.
707
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:51,797
What do you mean?
708
00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:53,064
Well, it's the only thing to do.
709
00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:55,200
You get a lemon, you take it back, right?
710
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:56,201
You turn it in.
711
00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:57,369
The car is a jinx.
712
00:23:57,469 --> 00:23:58,403
First, the windshield wiper went.
713
00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:00,238
Rob, what happened?
714
00:24:00,338 --> 00:24:03,642
My brand new beautiful car with the fingertip control
715
00:24:03,742 --> 00:24:05,644
in the stainless steel trim and the bucket
716
00:24:05,744 --> 00:24:08,380
seats ran out of gas.
717
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,015
How?
718
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,383
How?
719
00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:16,388
It went-- I look at the gas gauge just before I left here.
720
00:24:16,488 --> 00:24:17,322
All right.
721
00:24:17,422 --> 00:24:18,924
What did it register?
722
00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:21,259
Empty.
723
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:22,460
Well, Rob--
724
00:24:22,561 --> 00:24:23,962
Honey, I never owned a car in my life
725
00:24:24,062 --> 00:24:25,797
that didn't have at least two gallons left in it
726
00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:26,898
when the gas gauge said empty.
727
00:24:26,998 --> 00:24:28,266
But why not that car? Oh, no.
728
00:24:28,366 --> 00:24:29,668
Right on the button boy.
729
00:24:29,768 --> 00:24:32,971
I'm getting rid of it.
730
00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:39,211
[music playing]
49483
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