All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E24

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyck, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Boy, this is really a very funny

script, and a great guest star.

Paula Marshall.

Hey, we're in great shape this week.

She's in great shape every week.

You know, you can quote me on this.

This show is going to be a smash.

It can't miss.

Well, unless the shape louses it up.

And I hear Miss Marshall's a tough one.

BUDDY: There he is folks, the poor man's nobody.

That is the nicest thing that's been said to me all day.

Well, where you been, Mel?

Buddy's with us.

I'm about at my wit's end.

Well, that's a short trip.

That woman and I have been at each other's throats

for two days now.

She wants to reorganize the entire show.

She's a terror.

[phone rings]

Yeah, Marge?

OK, I'll tell him.

Thanks.

Well, Miss Marshall is on her way up here.

Oh, Marge must have told.

I wish I could hide.

Hey, quick, grow some hair.

Well, Mel, look, maybe you're fighting her too hard.

Why don't you just calm down, and lick-- and look

at her-- listen to her.

Listen to her?

What else can I do?

Well I don't know, Mel.

She's a great talent.

Maybe you ought to listen to her a little more.

I tried listening to her, and if I tried any harder,

I'd be out of a job.

That was her last suggestion.

Sounds like my kind of girl.

Oh, am I in the right place?

Well, you are as far as I am concerned.

Hello, Miss Marshall.

Hello.

Oh, this is the writer's room where the real talent is.

You're very, very kind.

This is Miss Sally Rogers.

Hi, Sally.

What a darling outfit.

Oh, thank you.

And Buddy Sorrell.

Hi, you like my outfit?

I like your jokes.

And I'm Rob Petrie.

Of course you are.

You're the head writer.

Listen, I want to tell you that this script

is great, really great.

I haven't seen lines like this for years, not since Thurber.

I love the show.

ROB: Wow, coming from you, that's quite a compliment.

It just pains me that I'm not going

to be able to do the show.

SALLY: You love it and you're not going to do it?

I'm sorry.

Maybe it's too good.

Want us to rotten it up a little?

What is it, Miss Marshall?

This man, your producer, is planning

on my working in a pink set.

A pink set.

Do you understand?

Everything is pink.

Miss Marshall, our show isn't in color.

What difference does it make if it's pink?

I react violently to pink.

It upsets my equilibrium.

I get dizzy and nauseous.

Can you understand that?

Well, some people are affected by color.

A man who knows something.

I love you.

Why couldn't you be the producer?

There's only one person that can replace me here.

Woody Woodpecker.

The only person that can replace anybody

in our production staff is Alan Brady.

Then let's get Mr. Brady on the phone.

Uh-huh.

Marge, get me on a line.

Uh, Marge, get Alan Brady on the line for me, please.

Rob, I wasn't joking when I said

I'd like you to produce for me.

Well--

You'd like to, wouldn't you?

Well, it-- it isn't that, Miss Marshall.

Miss Marshall.

Why so formal?

Oh, boy, watch the Marshall plan go into action.

Alan this is Mel.

I have Miss Marshall here with me,

and she would like to talk to you.

Alan, dear, listen, I'm afraid I'm not going

to be able to do the show.

And Alan, now just a minute, remember your image.

No, Mr. Cooley and I are just not getting along.

No, no, not at all.

But there is a darling, charming, wonderful man right

here that I could work with.

- Hold it. - Mr. Petrie.

Hello.

Yes, yes, Rob Petrie.

He wants to talk to you.

Yes, Alan?

You want me to take a--

well, that is a long weekend, Alan.

From Tuesday to the following Monday?

Yes, Alan, yes.

Congratulations, you are the producer of this week's show.

Wait a minute.

Miss Marshall, I shall look forward again

someday to perhaps almost working with you.

Mel.

BUDDY: Hey, how'd you do it?

I've been trying to get rid of him for years.

Now we're going to have loads of fun.

See you later, staff.

Bye, Rob.

Goodbye, Miss Marshall.

Paula-pu to you.

And a Paula-pu to you.

[music playing]

ROB: Hello?

Where's my loved ones?

It's Daddy!

And about time.

You keep eating.

Hello there, loved ones.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late, honey.

What's in the package?

Why don't you take a look for yourself?

Hey, Mom, look, a sport race car.

Rob, what's the occasion for this?

It's a little gift from our guest star this week.

Oh?

Hey, Mom, can I go play with it?

I don't want any more dinner.

Yes, go ahead.

Thanks, Mom!

Did you have to give him that now?

Don't feel so neglected.

I brought you a present too.

Also from your guest star?

Mm-hm.

Isn't that thoughtful?

Who is he?

Well, it is a she, Paula Marshall.

Paula Marshall?

Hmm.

What kind of a "hmm" was that?

Oh, I guess same kind of "hmm" any wife

would use whose husband feels about Paula Marshall the way

you do.

How do you know how I feel about Paul-- how

do you know I don't hate her?

Darling, if you hated her, you wouldn't carry

her picture in your wallet.

What are you talking about?

The wallet you got for Christmas last year.

Her picture came in it, and you never took it out.

Oh, I did so, honey.

Oh.

You know why I kept that?

Because you love her?

Well, that too, yeah.

But mostly because she has a calendar on her back.

That's last year's calendar, darling.

It is?

Well, I never-- never used it.

Open your present, honey.

Warda cologne.

Uh-huh, isn't that something?

It's Paula's own personal blend.

How do you like it?

I think it's a little too musty.

Musty?

Well, it doesn't smell musty on her.

Oh, didn't it?

Oh, you know, [stammers] how'd your day go?

How did my day go?

Well, darling, I'll tell you my day was just marvelous.

First, the garbage disposal exploded

and through our lovely garbage all over the room.

The milk man came in, broke three quarts of milk, possibly

his foot.

We may be sued.

- Oh, no! - Yes.

And Ritchie came home and decided

to do a mural in his room on the window shade.

It was one of the truly great days, darling.

And tell me, how was yours?

Well, mine was pretty good.

Oh?

As a matter of fact, it was very good.

I'm so glad.

And tell me, what made your day so good?

Well, I had a wonderful chicken fricassee for lunch.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, and-- and I was made the producer

of the Alan Brady Show.

You were?

Well, how did that happen?

What happened to Mel?

Well, actually, it's only temporary.

For a week.

For some reason, Mel could not get along with Paula Marshall

at all.

Now I made a couple of-- just little suggestions,

and she loves me.

She loves you.

Well, figure of speech, honey.

You know, she goes overboard about everything.

But the main thing is she wanted me to run that show, so I am.

Oh.

I mean, she is a persuasive young lady.

But insecure, you know?

Very insecure inside.

I mean, she's got to have somebody with her every minute.

And you're it.

Well, honey, I'm the--

the producer.

Mhm.

I see.

Honey, she doesn't have any designs on me

or anything like that.

No.

Look, honey, I have been around a little bit.

I know when I'm being flirted with.

This gal is all business.

All business.

Will you stop acting like a suspicious wife?

Why don't you sit down, dear?

Your dinner's ready.

Oh, is it?

I guess my pot roast can't really compete

with your chicken fricassee.

Well, actually, honey, we had this tremendous lunch today.

You and Paula Marshall?

Well, she dragged me to 21.

Oh.

But I'll--

I'll eat it.

No, please, darling, don't do me any favors.

Look, honey, will you just cut it out?

And we had a million things we had to discuss.

You forget one thing.

I came in late on this.

She had to bring me up to date on the whole show.

I mean, that's why I was late tonight.

I understand, darling.

Well, of course.

And we had to go over every bit of the music for the show.

Changed a lot of it.

And then she insisted that I give her

my opinion on every costume and dress

she wore in the whole show.

She modeled her clothes for you?

Who?

Oh, well, yeah.

Naturally she did.

Tell me, where did the modeling take place?

Well, not in the street certainly.

In her dressing room?

Well, naturally, honey.

You were alone with Paula Marshall,

and she changed clothes?

Honey, now there you go again.

Come on, she was behind a screen.

How high a screen?

I don't know.

You know, sometimes the longer we're married,

each year somehow your faith in me shakes a little more easily.

Well, I just don't like it when

beautiful women think they can just

twist you around their fingers.

She is not twisting me around her finger.

Just because we put a chicken fricassee, and I looked

at a couple of her gowns.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, he is.

Just a moment, please.

Miss Marshall.

Oh.

Hi, how are you?

No, no, we're not having dinner.

What can I do for you?

What?

No, I didn't forget.

No, now really I--

oh, OK, Paula-pu.

What's going on?

Your dressing room.

Well, no it didn't look particularly depressing to me.

Oh, yeah, it's pink, and--

Well, Paula, I'm-- I'm not sure that Alan would

be interested in switching.

Well, yeah, sure.

I guess I could ask him, all right.

We want to keep you happy.

OK.

All right, well, how about in the morning?

Fine.

615.

OK.

Bye.

She wants to talk about changing her whole dressing room.

And you're going to discuss it at 6:15 AM?

No, no, 9:00 AM.

What was the 615?

That's-- that's her apartment number.

Honey, she wants to discuss a few things

at breakfast, that's all.

I'm the producer.

Doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you, Rob.

She is not walking all over me.

Yes, she is, and you know it.

OK, but I'm the one she's walking on.

Yes, but to get to you, she's walking all over me,

and I don't think you want to let her get away with it.

All right, I'll talk to her.

When?

Well, at 9:00 AM.

In 615!

You know something, honey?

You're acting very normal.

That's it.

[music playing]

[intercom buzzes]

Yes?

MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss Rogers

and Mr. Sorrell are here.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Send them in.

[intercom buzzes]

Well, Mr. Petrie, it's awfully nice of you to see us.

Yes, your Majesty.

Gee, you're treating us like equals.

Will you guys knock it off?

We got a lot to do this morning.

Yeah, about what?

- About the script. - The script?

Yesterday you were screaming.

Said it's the funniest thing you ever read.

Well, I'll admit it looked funny to me down there.

Down there?

Oh, come on, Rob.

Listen, you don't know how things look up here.

It's different.

The pressures up here are unbelievable In this--

you writers are kind of lucky.

BOTH: We writers?

All right, come on.

I'm talking about this week.

I'm the producer, and you're the writers.

That's the situation we got to live with, that all.

SALLY: Yeah, and you call that living.

Oh, boy.

This boy's a bundle of nerves.

Looks more like a bundle of wet wash.

The last 24 hours around this place have been murder.

Marge, will you come in here a minute?

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): This is Alan Brady, who is this?

Nobody.

I've got the wrong one.

Which one was it that?

Marge.

So Marge, would you step in here just a second?

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): This isn't Marge.

Who is this?

Oh, boy, that thing is confusing.

Which-- which one did I punch before?

I think you hit the G chord.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, this is Marge here.

Marge?

Marge?

Alan?

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Rob, stop playing

with those darn buttons!

[intercom buzzes]

Ye-- yes.

MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss

Marshall is here to see you.

Oh, it's nice to hear your voice.

Thank you very much.

Have her come in, will you.

Glad she's here.

At least now she can tell you what's

got to be done with this.

Oh, everybody's here.

Tremendous.

Robert, did you go through all the changes with these people?

Well, I didn't have a chance, Paula.

They just got here.

What sort of changes, Miss Marshall?

There are dozens of places that need help,

but there's one really deadly spot.

What spot?

We didn't write any deadlies.

Well, this section right here.

Brady's magic act.

Brady's ma-- but that's no dead-- didn't you tell her

about Brady's magic act, Robby?

Well, yeah, I did, but I don't--

I don't know. Paula may have something here.

Yeah, but this is a running gag.

You see, it's Alan's trademark.

Trademark.

Yeah, well, you see about four times a year

Alan does his magic act.

It's lousy, but it shows his versatility.

What do you mean lousy?

He kills the people with it.

I know, I know, but does he have to do it on my show?

It's so corny.

Well, what would you suggest, Miss Marshall?

Well, Robby had a fantastic idea.

Oh, did Robby?

Tell the, Robby.

Well, it's not fantastic, and I think it was your idea.

Oh, what's the difference whose idea?

We're all one here, right?

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

I'm one.

It's a beautiful, and it peps up the whole thing.

Let's show them, Robby.

Well, I'm not sure.

Sure you're sure.

Do it for Paula-pu.

ROB: OK.

Now you sit down over there.

Now this is just to give you an idea, OK?

Now you stand over here.

Get your cards, get your cards out.

Now, he's Alan.

Hey, he's Alan.

Gee, I remember when he was Mel.

Oh, I'll need some strip music.

Sally, could you give me a good, heavy strip--

You mean sing some strip--

[vocalizing]

But just a little bit--

[vocalizing]

--and I'm behind the curtain.

Go, Robby.

OK.

Folks, for you now I'd like to do some card tricks,

and you're going to love them.

Just watch the movement on this one now, will you?

Hit it, Sally.

[vocalizing]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm glad you liked them.

This is Niagara Falls.

[sally vocalizes]

How do you like that?

Niagara Falls, thank you very much.

Niagara Falls from the Canadian side.

[sally vocalizes]

[whistles]

Yeah, OK, we get the idea.

What do you think?

Doesn't that give the whole act a new dimension?

Yeah, but I don't think Alan's going

to be too happy about your dimensions

wiggling around in back him there.

Oh, I don't think he'll be too upset.

He'll just kill all of us, that's all.

We've got that all solved.

Tell them, Robby.

Well, [stammers] Paula thought maybe

we do kind of as a surprise.

A surprise?

He'll love it.

You mean, just spring it at him while it's on the air?

Well, that's what we-- that's what she thought.

He'll get a kick out of it.

Yeah, he'll kick us all right out of the building.

Believe me, it's what this show needs.

You got to stick your neck out once in a while.

I think that's what they said to Marie Antoinette.

Hey, Rob, you're not serious about doing this bit, are you?

Well, it's different.

Yeah, so is being unemployed.

Alan may be thrown for a minute,

but when he hears the laughs, he'll buy.

Yeah, he'll buy a whole new set of writers.

I'm afraid we're not going to be able to do it, Paula.

What?

Uh, Paula-pu.

Won't be able to do it?

[stammers] It's just a little bit too risky.

I'm afraid Alan might be awfully upset by it.

He will.

He'll be upset.

I am upset right now, Robby boy.

You are?

Well-- Paula, I'm sorry, but I'm the producer,

and I just say there cannot-- there

just can't be any dancing behind Alan's magic act,

and that's it.

Is it?

Isn't it?

P-- P-- Paula-pu look, I'm--

I'm the-- I'm the producer, and there

are certain contracts and legalities that I

can resort to if I have to.

Oh, but no, you'd never do that Robby, darling.

You're a gentleman, and you wouldn't want to upset me now,

would you?

Well--

Not a word to Alan about this.

Oh, Robby, darling.

Not a word of this to Alan.

Blek.

[music playing]

ROB: You know what I am?

I'm a weasel.

A stupid, senseless--

Spineless.

Thank you.

Spineless weasel.

She's walking all over you.

Yeah.

With high heels.

You know what she's doing?

She's leading me around by my nose

making me do things against my own better judgment.

I haven't had a chance to go to the washroom.

Well, darling, why do you let her do it?

Because I-- I can't get her to listen to me, you know?

She's a sweet, smiling steamroller.

Well, there's got to be some way to stop a steamroller.

I mean, besides throwing yourself in front of it.

I don't know how else to stop her unless I fire her,

and I can't fire her.

Hey, Dad, fix my car, will you?

It's broke.

The wheel came off.

Oh, yeah, will you wait just a second?

We're right in the middle of something, Rich.

But, Dad, I want to play with it.

Just put the wheel on.

Oh, Rich, in just a minute, when we're through.

But I've been waiting all day.

Just fix the wheel!

Ritchie, listen, if you don't stop that,

I'm going to give you a spanking.

You understand that? But it's easy.

All you--

Ritchie, stop it, dear, and go to your room.

OK.

He did it.

Well, of course he did.

If he didn't listen, he was going to be punished,

and he knew it.

Yeah, but honey, I threatened to spank him.

And I never spank him, and he knows that, right.

Honey, would you do me a favor?

Mhm.

Would you come down to my office tomorrow

morning, and talk to Paula like that?

No, what, doggonne it.

What am I talking about?

I'll go down to the office tomorrow,

and I'll talk to her like that.

And I'm gonna mean it.

And what if she doesn't listen?

I'll spank her.

[music playing]

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss

Marshall is here to see you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Would you ask her to come right in, Marge?

I'm here, Rob.

What is it?

Oh, hi. Would you come and sit down?

I'd like to discuss something with you.

Rob, I have a full day's rehearsal.

Please?

You really shouldn't bother me today, Robby.

Well, why shouldn't I bother you?

I'm the producer.

Of course you are.

OK, Herr producer, you have one minute.

Make it fast.

What is it?

Well, Miss Marshall, Paula, I know

I'm a little bit new at being a producer of the show

and everything, but I think I know also

that that original script that we wrote for you

was a pretty darn good script.

Now just a minute.

Wait, I'm not finished.

Now here's what we're going to have to do.

We're going to have to do the script, the original, just

exactly as it was written with no changes in it,

and no surprises.

And-- and that's what we're going to have to do.

That's all I had to say.

You can go back to rehearsal now.

Whom do you think you're talking to?

Well, I-- I think I'm talking to one of my very,

very favorite performers.

But that doesn't alter my decision at all.

The show has to go as written, and that means no striptease

behind Alan Brady's magic act.

How would you like it if I walked off your show?

I don't know.

How would you like it if I brought you up on charges?

Brought me up on charges.

Mhm.

You wouldn't.

Oh, yes.

If you're-- if you're serious about walking off the show.

Oh, I'm serious.

Well, so am I. Marge, would you get me Miss Sachs

up in the legal department?

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Will you cut that--

Would you get me Miss Sachs up in the legal department,

please?

MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Yes, sir.

You're serious?

You'd really go through with this?

To ensure a good show, certainly.

And you think that my suggestions would make it bad?

I think that your suggestions would make it terrible.

[intercom buzzes]

Yes?

MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Ruth Sachs on one.

Thank you.

OK, what's it going to be now?

Will you go back to rehearsal or shall I have a little chat here

with the legal department?

Couldn't we at least show the magic act to Alan?

Yeah, I think we could do that.

It wouldn't be unreasonable.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You may go back to rehearsal now.

I will go back to rehearsal when I am ready.

I'm ready.

Marge, would you tell Miss Sachs up in legal department

I won't be needing her.

Oh, and tell Buddy and Sally that we're using

the original script as written.

Yes, Mr. Petrie.

And Marge, would you send a dozen roses

to Miss Paula Marshall, please?

And order me about two dozen roses for my wife.

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): What do you

want me to write on the card?

Hi, Alan.

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Rob, will you stop playing producer,

and get down to the rehearsal?

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Marge, I'm going down to rehearsal hall.

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Will you just go?

I'll tell Marge.

OK, Alan, I'm going.

ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): And click off the intercom, please?

Will you stop fooling around and just--

[music playing]

Here you are, honey.

Two dozen red little thank you notes.

Oh, darling.

You had it out with Paula Marshall, huh?

Oh, yes, and I won.

You didn't spank her?

Yes, I did.

Where?

Right in the office.

Oh.

- Yes. - You didn't.

Yeah.

Not physically really.

You know something, it may not show,

but I got a lot of hidden authority in me.

Give me a kiss.

You know, you are masterful.

I am.

Darling, would you put these in water

while I finish setting the table?

No, you do that, Happens to be woman's work

All right, and while I'm doing woman's

work, what is my big masterful husband going to do?

I'm going to be doing man's work.

Take out the garbage.

Stand aside.

[music playing]

[theme music]