All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E22

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Perfect.

No mistakes.

My mother's going to be so happy.

She could never read my handwriting.

Wow, listen, it's a great practice for me too.

I love you doing my letters, but believe me it's not worth

it.

Rob's never going to let you work in his office.

Besides why do you want to go to work?

I don't really, it's just that Rob needs me.

Well, does Rob know that?

Well, I've been hinting.

It's just that he hasn't noticed so far.

Did Sally say how long her leave of absence

is going to last?

No, I guess it'll be just as long

as Stevie Parsons wants her as a guest on his television show.

I saw her last night, and she was so funny.

She invited every single man from the state of Vermont

to a home cooked dinner.

She was having such fun.

Well, while Sally's been having fun,

Rob and Buddy have been floundering around that office.

You mean they really need three writers to do the show?

Three writers and a typist.

And when Sally left, they lost two of those things.

Well I thought they hired a girl to type.

They've gone through four so far.

When Rob finally decides that he needs me,

I would like these nimble fingers

to be ready to serve him.

You're such a person.

Well, listen, he needs me.

He'll recognize it sooner or later.

How can you be so sure?

Because every night he's been coming home louder and later

and with bigger heartburn.

Rob has heartburn?

And you know he didn't have it while Sally was there.

It just started since then.

Oh, he comes in the front door, slams it, says hi to me,

doesn't kiss me, throws the paper on the table, and burps.

Mister class?

ROB: Oh, doggone it!

Ole.

Hi.

How's the new girl working out, darling?

Fired her, huh?

Yeah.

What a shame.

[music playing]

Feeling any better, dear?

Well, I still got heartburn.

That's a shame, darling.

Oh, don't mess up those recipe cards there, OK?

OK, what's for dinner.

Veal scallopini.

Well, why are we having that?

Because I just came across it in the recipe cards while

I was retyping them today.

- Is that what these are? - Yeah.

You know, I didn't realize it, but we

must have over 400 recipes.

Mhm, must have taken you about all day to type those up, huh?

No, no, a couple of hours.

Just whipped right through them.

Why?

Why?

Well, I just thought it'd be a good idea

to have a nice, neat perfectly typed list of foods,

and I don't know.

I have a lot of time on my hands,

like I do most every day.

And I just wanted to do something constructive.

We could use a new garage.

Honey, we hired a new girl today.

Oh?

Yeah.

Alan Brady's niece.

Slight case of nepotism.

She's going to start in the morning,

so if you're thinking of retyping the phone book, don't.

You don't sound too happy with her.

Well, I-- think she's a little bit of a giggler,

but I think she'll work out.

Well, that doesn't really sound like your type, darling.

You know the type you need, darling?

Honey, the job is filled, and you are not the type.

Oh, Rob, why do you have to be so stubborn about this?

You come home every night complaining about how hard

it is to work with strangers.

You're the only one who disagrees with me.

Why won't you just let me try to help you?

Honey, I just don't think you and I

would be happy as marriage partners

and as business partners.

Isn't that silly?

Darling, don't you realize that in the office

you'd be the boss?

You know what I mean, darling.

It's just that I want to do something to help you.

You want to do something to help me, then feed me.

Oh, Rob, not that kind of help.

I mean like Madame Curie and Mrs. Roebling.

Mrs. Roebling.

Well, yeah, she's the lady who took over

after her husband died, and finished

building the Brooklyn Bridge.

I want to be that kind of help to you, darling.

OK, OK.

Really?

Yep.

The next time I start a bridge, you.

Oh.

[music playing]

Jackie, would you were read back what we have so far now?

Ah, ah.

Uncle Alan says, good evening, folks, and walks

over to the orchestra leader.

You know, I could just see him doing that.

He walks so funny.

Hi, there.

Hey, hiya, Sal.

Hi, Sal.

Oh, hello, Miss Rogers.

I saw you on TV last night.

You were just marvelous.

SALLY: Oh, thank you very much.

ROB: Say, Jackie, look, why don't you call it a day?

It's almost 2 o'clock.

There's no sense waiting until the last minute.

Oh, thank you.

But I'll be in bright and early.

ROB: OK.

Bye.

ROB: Bye.

She ought to see a doctor about those fits of emotion

like that.

You know, we promised Alan that Buddy

and I would try her one more day, but we can't take it.

It's the first time I ever saw Alan spelled with five Ls.

Sal, these secretaries we're getting

aren't working out for us.

Oh, come on, Rob, it's be as bad as all that.

I am not kidding you.

Buddy and I figure that if you're not coming back,

we should get another lady writer, as much as we hate to.

Well, gee, Rob.

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, the way it stands now, Stevie Parsons is

about to offer me a big deal.

Well, that puts us right back where we were.

Two writers in search of a typist.

So far we've had a giggler, a gum

popper, and a girdle snapper.

You know where you can find a typist that

doesn't snap, giggle, or pop?

That's why I came in.

I heard about miss giggler, and I figured the least I could do

is help you find somebody else.

And I have found the perfect girl.

You're kidding.

Now how does this sound?

She's young, beautiful, knows about show business

and, types like the wind.

This girl typed like the wind.

She blew every word.

Yes, Rob, this girl is really great,

and she's happily married.

Hello?

Hi, hi, this is Sally.

Say-- say hello to your new boss.

Hi, there this is Rob Petrie down at "The Alan Brady Show,"

Sally Rogers has told me some very nice things about you.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Rob?

Yeah, Rob Petrie. What's your name?

Laura Petrie.

Oh, now wait a minute, Rob.

She didn't know I was going to do this.

Well, yeah, how's come she answered the phone then?

Well, maybe it rang.

It rang, and I called her.

Here.

You're still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

Sorry I yelled, honey, but Sally got cute, and told me

she knew of this great girl, and I figured

you probably put her up to it.

Oh, I see.

In other words, this girl sounded great until you

found out it was me, huh?

Oh, Rob, doesn't that prove anything to you?

No, it doesn't.

I told you, if you weren't my wife, you'd be just perfect.

Rob, I told you I just want to help you.

Look not a week would go by before there'd be trouble

- Hey, Rob, hold it. - What?

It'll only take a week before we'll know

what's going to be with Sally.

Yeah, that's right, Rob.

Yeah, come on.

What have you got to lose?

All right, Mrs. Petrie, can you

start for us in the morning?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Petrie, I want you to know something.

I love you.

Yeah, well, we'll put an end to that.

[music playing]

BUDDY: Oh, Alan walks in, and he's got on this skin

diving outfit, see?

And he walks into the man, and he says

are you the president of the Turner Soup Company?

ROB: Yeah, and the boss says, who are you?

And he says--

BUDDY: He says I'm the guy you hired to dive into your soup.

Did you get it?

LAURA: Yeah.

Buddy, just a second.

I think you're going a little bit too fast here.

Stop.

Dives into your soup.

Not too fast at all.

Honey, you realize we got to have two carbons

on each one of these things.

Yes, I know that, darling.

Original, carbon one, and carbon two.

Oh, well, that's very good.

Hey, Rob, she's great.

Fire away, gentlemen.

ROB: OK, so Alan says, what's your problem?

BUDDY: Oh, and he says the problem is we're

having trouble with our 50,000 gallon

vat of chicken gumbo soup.

Oh, that's right. You can put that down.

That's good. - Got it.

ROB: So Allen says, well, what's your problem?

And he says--

Oh, and Alan says what's your problem?

And he says, you're not going to get

me to dive into that 50,000 gallon

vat of chicken gumbo soup.

The last time I did, I was attacked by a giant gumbo.

Giant gumbo, that's good.

That's wonderful.

Well, it's a formula joke.

They usually-- they always work.

Look, why don't we quit and go to lunch?

No, I'm hot as a pistol.

Why don't we--

Whatever you say, darling.

Well, I'm kind of hungry.

Why don't we quit, huh?

All right, well, then I'll see you two back here in an hour,

right? - Well, wait a minute.

Where are you going? We'll take you to lunch

No, no.

I know you and Buddy like to browse the discount stores.

Yeah, my wife don't care what I buy, as long as it's cheap.

Well, whatever it is, you do two do it yourself.

I'm not going to interfere just because I'm

married to the boss.

I'll see you in an hour, huh.

Fine.

Fine, in an hour.

Rob, I don't know what you're worried about.

She's perfect.

Oh, perfect all right.

Hey, what's bugging you?

Buddy, I feel like a schoolboy in class on parents

day with my mother peeking over my shoulder.

[music playing]

Well, that takes care of the dishes.

Would you like a mint, darling?

No, no, thanks.

How about some more coffee?

No, no, thanks.

Oh, was it too strong?

No, it was perfect.

Darling, do you think I put too much wine in the duck?

No, it was a perfect duck, perfect, perfect wine.

That pie though.

I have to apologize for that pie.

The meringue was too Steve stiff, the lemon was too tart.

It was-- I should have used one of those package mixes.

Honey, the lemon pie was perfect.

You didn't think the crust was a little soggy?

The pie was perfect.

The dinner was perfect.

Everything you did at the office today was perfect.

Perfect.

You're just saying that, Rob.

No, no. No, I mean it.

I mean it.

Today, you have been the most perfect person in the world.

As a matter of fact, if you do one more perfect thing today,

I'm going to put my fist right through that wall.

Rob!

I-- I won't.

If I do, you'll probably replaster it perfect,

and I feel even worse.

Rob, what kind of an attitude is this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It is a brand new one, and I'm no crazier about it

than you are.

I'm probably just being a sore loser I guess.

No, you're not.

You are not a sore loser, darling.

You want to know what it is?

I'm a bad winner.

I've been flaunting my success.

You have, you know?

I know.

And I apologize, darling.

I was just being a female.

Well, don't quit that.

Haven't you noticed, honey, today I wasn't very productive?

I wasn't very funny.

Listen, darling, it was a new experience for us both.

Anyway, let's not fight about it.

We don't have anything to fight about, you know?

[music playing]

All right, that does it.

What's the matter?

Are you trying to make me mad?

Are you trying to make me mad?

Well, what is it?

That was a perfect kiss.

Oh!

Where's that wall?

Would you like some real cream or some real sugar?

Nope, too much real fat.

Hey, Rob, since Laura's been here,

everything's going just great.

Boy, she could do everything.

Hey, I bet she even sharpened the darts.

She's-- she's been very, very efficient.

Hey, where is she now?

I don't know.

She's probably down the studio repairing a camera.

Hey, what are you sore about?

Sore?

I'm not sore.

Oh, no?

Boy, you're sore all right.

And you know why you're sore?

Because you said things wouldn't work out,

and they're working out, and that's why you're sore.

I am not sore.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

I ran into Mel down the hall.

He asked me to type up a few schedules for him.

Hey, Laura, this coffee's wonderful.

Not too strong?

BUDDY: No.

Perfect All right, where were we when we stopped last night?

Just finished the second half of the news

in three different countries.

We did Russia and England.

Oh, yeah, I had an idea on that.

We should make the third country Germany and Alan

can do his German scientist.

He'll come in in a frock coat with a monocle.

He'll have a Vienna roll in his pocket.

What's the matter?

Well, I don't like to butt in, darling,

but don't you think it's a little soon for Alan

to repeat the German scientist character?

I mean, he did it on last week's show.

BUDDY: Hey, you know, she's right.

She's got a point there.

LAURA: Yeah.

Well, look, it doesn't make a bit of difference

as long as it's funny, that's all.

Now come on, a German scientist. Let's go.

LAURA: Yeah, but, darling, didn't you

always tell me that you don't like

to repeat characters too often?

That it's not a good idea?

I know I said that, but it's not a hard and fast rule.

There are exceptions, and it takes

a professional to know when the exceptions are

and when to use them.

Now come on, a German scientist with a frock coat,

and a monocle, and a Vienna roll in his pocket.

All right, where do we go from there?

Well, I don't know.

Let's ad-lib some questions and see.

And I'll be a reporter.

ROB: OK.

Doctor, what kind of a scientist are you?

[german accent] Well, I am in charge of training astronauts--

[normal voice] wait a minute, make that dirt-tronauts.

Hey, that's good.

What's dirt-tronauts?

Well, they shoot these guys into the Earth

instead of out of it, see?

Now, that's funny.

Thank you.

LAURA: Very good.

Thank you.

Next question.

Doctor, what is the main danger in a trip of this sort?

What is the main danger in a trip of this sort?

The main danger would be losing your life,

that's pretty good main danger.

What's the matter, Laura?

LAURA: You want that last part in?

Now, wait a minute.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe we get something better.

What is the main danger?

Running into a thrill-crazed gopher.

Oh, Buddy, that's marvelous.

What I heard, that's not so marvelous.

Maybe we can come up with a better line than that.

Come on, hit me again.

Well, maybe what is your main purpose

in going to the Earth's center?

All right. what is the main purpose

in going to the Earth's center?

To find out whether it's chewy or chocolate cream.

Hey, good, good!

Type it, type it.

Well, wait.

Wait a minute.

Now look, maybe we can come up with something better.

Wait, hold it. We can do better than that.

But, darling, I think it's kind of cute.

You're not supposed to give reviews.

You are supposed to type.

But Buddy thought it was funny, didn't you, Buddy?

Don't get me in the middle of husband and wife argument.

This is not a husband and wife argument.

This is boss and employee.

Well, then I'm sorry.

I got to go with the employee.

But I just don't agree with you, Buddy.

I think it's not funny.

Rob, I think you're being kind of childish.

I am not being childish.

Yes, you are.

You're being childish.

Buddy, this is between my wife and me, please.

Rob, what is the matter with you?

Nothing is the matter with me.

Nothing?

You're acting like you got a wasp in your underwear.

All she did was offer some constructive criticism,

which was unsolicited.

Oh, it was not unsolicited.

Did you hear me ask for her opinion?

Look, it's not boss employee, it's not husband wife.

Just as a bystander, did you hear

me ask her for her opinion?

All right, you didn't ask her.

There you see?

All right, you don't have to yell.

- I'm not yelling. - Yes, you are.

You're yelling.

Buddy, this is a family affair that doesn't concern you.

Will you excuse me while I go out and get a glass of beer?

I hate crowds, and the four of you are driving me nuts.

I must say, I am very, very surprised at you.

Trying to prove that I couldn't handle

the-- the job at the office here, and the job at home too.

I think I did them both very well.

ROB: Oh, you do?

You do?

- Yes, don't you? - No.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

Rob, what's the matter with you?

Why does everybody keep asking me what's the matter with me?

Because all morning long you've been impossible,

that's why.

- Have I been impossible? - Yes.

Well, what have you-- what have you been?

Rob, what is it?

Is it because I made a joke that happened to be funny?

Oh, boy, are you way off.

OK.

Is it because I proved to you that I

can handle this office job, and keep

the home running smoothly too?

I don't think you did just that.

Well , everybody else thinks I did.

Yeah, well everybody else happens to be wrong,

and you happen to be wrong too.

This office has not been functioning any better

than it did with a-- with a gum popper, the girdler

snapper, or the giggler.

You-- you've been just as annoying as they have.

Annoying!

I have been annoying to you?

Yes, you have.

Well, Rob, let me tell you. it certainly was not my intention

to annoy you in coming here.

The only reason I came here was to help you,

and if I have annoyed you, I sincerely apologize.

And to keep from causing you any further annoyance,

I want you to know that I'm fired!

You can't fire, I quit you. (YELLING) [inaudible]..

[music playing]

I won't be able to sleep until I get this thing cleared up.

Neither will I.

I-- I've been thinking all day.

So have I.

And what-- what have you been thinking about?

That you're a sore loser.

Wouldn't you feel like a sore loser

if you thought you were going to lose something?

What are you talking about?

Look, I know I was acting like a crazy nut

down at the office all week.

I don't know, up until today, I didn't even know why.

I thought up until now that it was just

because you were doing so well down there

and I was doing so badly.

Oh.

Well, that-- that wasn't it.

Laura, would-- would you look at me?

I can hear you just fine from here.

Well, I I'd-- like for you to look at me.

Would you do that for me?

What is it?

Honey, can you eat one pistachio nut?

I'm not joking.

You know that's true, honey.

If you eat one nut, you eat the whole bag.

If you-- one taste of honey. and you want the whole bottle.

You can't deny that.

I can't understand it.

Look, honey, every day this past week,

you fixed my breakfast, you cleaned the house,

you've done the laundry, you fix me

a gourmet dinner every night.

And despite what anybody says, you did a fantastic job

down at that office.

Then can't you be proud of me?

I can't afford the luxury.

Look, this week was your first pistachio nut.

You've enjoyed it so much that I know you're going to want more.

Do you mean to tell me that you're worried that I will

go out and get another job?

Shouldn't I be?

Rob, don't you know that the only reason I

took this job was to help you.

Oh, all right.

It may have been that way in the beginning,

but after a week of that, you found out

how easy it was for you, and how much fun it was.

You're going to want to go right on working.

Well, you big dope!

Huh?

You really think this whole week

has been fun and games for me?

Well, it certainly looks that way.

Rob, that's because I made it look that way.

I only did the whole thing just to be

useful to help my husband.

I only did it so that you would thank me, and instead

of thanks what do I get?

Pistachio nuts.

Honey, take it easy.

Oh, Rob, I wish I could take it easy,

but this has been the hardest week of my life.

And I mean, I really worked like a horse.

Like a horse?

Well, I never saw that.

Well, of course you never saw it.

Because I never let you.

All the time you were sleeping, I'd

get up in the middle of the night

and do the cooking, and the cleaning, and the sewing.

Honey--

LAURA: And you know why I never went

to lunch with you and Buddy?

Well, you said--

I said.

I said.

The reason was was while you and Buddy we're having lunch,

I was napping so that I could get up and do the cleaning

and the cooking and the sewing.

ROB: Oh, honey.

And my chocolate joke was too funny.

[music playing]

You big dope.

Do you think that you're not going to want to go to work

anymore and keep on working?

Only have you decided to stop working.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Even a horse gets a lump of sugar.

How about linty sour ball?

[music playing]

How about a kiss?

Oh, all right.

[music playing]

Hey, Rob, hey, Rob, did you see Sally last night

on the Parson's show?

No, I was cooking.

Was she great again? - Great.

The greatest for us.

Boy, she and Parsons got into the wildest exchange

for about 15 minutes.

Never saw anything like it on television.

What did she do another Herman Glimscher routine?

No, no, and it I was Parson's fault. He started it.

First he was rapping Alan Brady, then

he was rapping our writers.

Then he started rapping the format of the show.

What did Sally do?

Oh, what did she-- you ever see

a female lion protect her cubs?

Yeah.

Compared to Sally, that female line was a pussycat.

She just tore Parsons' to shreds.

She had them in such a sweat, his toupee slid off.

Hi, there.

Hey, Sal.

ROB: Sal, Buddy he just gave me the good news.

What good news?

You're off the Parson's show?

What makes you think I'm off the Parson's show.

Well, he told me everything you said on the show

last night.

He wouldn't keep you up to that, would he?

Oh, Parsons isn't that kind of a guy.

Besides he know I had to defend my gang.

He likes that kind of stuff.

He was just baiting me.

Yeah, you mean he didn't fire you?

Oh, fire me?

He gave me a better deal than before.

Remember I used to be on four times a week?

BOTH: Yeah.

Now I'm going to be on once a year.

BOTH: Once a year?

Yeah, every Halloween.

He told me to bring my broom.

Hey, Sal, you're not kidding us?

No, he hates me.

[music playing]

[theme song]