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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Boy, what a relief.
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That finishes all of the month's bills.
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Honey, if you could do me a big favor.
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If when you charge something, you sign somebody else's name.
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I'm just doing some figuring.
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I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.
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I thought we decided that about eight years ago.
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Oh, no.
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No, I mean, I'm trying to decide when
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to have his birthday party.
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You know, I got a great idea.
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Why don't you have the party on the anniversary of the day
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he was born.
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You can call it a birthday party.
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Yeah, that would be great, darling,
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except he's already invited to a party on his birthday.
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What, two birthdays on the same day?
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LAURA PETRIE: No, it's not the other boys birthday,
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it's his party day.
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Well, why don't you let Richie have a party on his birthday,
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and the other kid can have a party on his birthday?
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No, no, no, they can't.
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The other boy's birthday is already booked.
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So we can either have Ritchie's birthday
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three weeks before or three weeks
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after his actual date of birth.
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Well, why don't you have it three weeks before.
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And then on his birthday, we'll have a rerun.
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Oh, Rob, come on.
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Now what do you think?
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I don't care, whatever you want to do.
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Well, I guess three weeks before is best.
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Good, let's neck.
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Now quit kidding around.
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I'm not kidding around.
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I want to neck.
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Oh, [inaudible],, we have to settle this once and for all.
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What it is complicated?
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We decorate the room, we have a few kids over
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and give them ice cream and cake.
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A few kids?
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Here is a list of the available 8-year-olds
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for Ritchie's party.
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Available?
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Oh, well, there must be 50 kids on this list.
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No, no, 63.
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63?
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Well, how many of them does he want?
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All of them.
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All of them?
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Mm-hmm.
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Honey, you can't handle 63 kids all by yourself.
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By myself?
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Somebody has to go out for the birthday cake.
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Darling, it won't take all day to pick up the cake.
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Well, it will if I work it right.
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[chuckles]
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Honey, I don't see how an intelligent person like you
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could even consider having 63 screaming kids in his house.
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That's impossible.
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Yeah, well, uh, see, that's another thing.
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I wasn't planning to have it here at the house.
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Well, what are you gonna do, hire a hall?
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No, an amusement park.
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Laura.
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Well, Rob, they have this special birthday
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party rate over at Dizzyland.
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Dizzyland?
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Yeah, the place with all the crazy rides.
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The kids go on them and get dizzy.
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They just love it, Rob, and it's become so popular.
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Have you, uh, already booked this thing?
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Well, um, tentatively.
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I wanted to discuss it with you first.
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But Rob, they really love it.
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It's just wonderful.
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First, the kids go on all the rides.
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Then get dizzy.
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Yeah.
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And then, they take this little candy
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cruiser over to birthday island where
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they have the actual party.
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And Ritchie's made king of birthday island
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and gets to choose a queen.
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And they go on a honeymoon and live happily ever after.
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No, no, darling, then they have organized games.
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And then for refreshments, they're
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taken by the little elves over to the gingerbread house.
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And the kids eat the house.
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Yes, real gingerbread.
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I don't believe it.
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Well, oh, darling, that's the part the kids love best.
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Well, Hon, doesn't he at least get a good
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old-fashioned birthday cake?
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Yeah, when they go to the ice cream volcano.
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Volcano?
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Yeah, instead of lava they use hot fudge.
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You know that if we wrote this as a sketch on a show,
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nobody would believe it?
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Well, no, darling, it sounds crazy, but the kids love it.
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The parents have nothing to worry about
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and it only costs $2 a child.
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So--
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Hold it!
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Hold the lava.
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$2 a child?
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Yeah.
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That is over $100 for a kid's birthday party.
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That's obscene.
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We almost have to have a big party.
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Why?
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Well, these days, it's almost the thing to do.
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And you don't have to stare at me like that.
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Yes, I do.
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It is pretty bad, isn't it?
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When a kid's birthday party becomes a status symbol.
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Well, I know it's awful, Rob.
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But look, I'm thinking about Richie.
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He's been to all these big birthday parties
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and he's expecting one too.
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Honey, I am not suggesting that he shouldn't
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have a birthday party.
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But you're planning, here, an orgy, a hot fudge volcano.
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Honey, it is crazy and I'm against it.
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Rob, I'm against it too.
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Honestly, I am.
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But look, we can't fight progress
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so why don't you go ahead and call the amusement park
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and make the reservation?
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I do-- I want no part of juvenile decadence.
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Well, then you're refusing to have the party
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at the amusement park?
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I'd like to think about it, that's all.
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I'll tell you right now.
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The only thing in your favor is my burning desire to see
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a mob of kids eat a house.
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Hey, I got it.
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[piano keys clacking]
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Oh, I didn't know you could play the piano.
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No, get this.
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Alan plays a part of a contestant in a quiz
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show called "Save Your Spouse".
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And if he loses, he gets his own wife back or else the husband
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has to hold his breath until the wife answers a whole bunch
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of questions correctly.
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The game show idea is very good.
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That's good.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, I got the game show.
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It's like "What's My Line", only it's called,
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"What Was This Fellow's Name Before He
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Changed It To What It Is Now"?
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And "Why Did He Change It Do You Think?"
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Is that the title or the whole show?
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No, it's the idea of the thing.
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They bring a fella in, they say, this man
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manufactures golf sweaters and he calls them-- you know,
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he likes it-- so he calls himself Sam Golf Sweater
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because he wants everybody to know he makes golf sweaters.
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Well, what was his name before he changed it?
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Al Paca.
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Get outta here, Buddy.
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You'll like it.
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It'll grow on you.
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I don't want anything to grow on me.
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One-- one more, one more.
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A girl lives in Pennsylvania and she's
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so proud of her home state, she calls
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herself Patricia Pittsburgh.
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What was her--
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ROB AND SALLY: --name before she changed it?
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Phyllis Adelphia.
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Oh, [inaudible].
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[phone rings]
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Today, you were saved by the bell.
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Hi honey.
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What's up?
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Well, I just called the amusement park.
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And I found out I can get it a lot cheaper if we
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eliminate either the gingerbread house or the ice cream volcano.
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Aw, what kind of a party would it
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be if they can't eat the house along with the volcano?
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They can nibble on the furniture.
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LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Listen, dear.
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I think I better go ahead and make
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the reservations now, I mean, unless you
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have a better suggestion.
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No, I haven't got any better suggestions.
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You'll see, darling, it'll be a fun party.
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Yeah.
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Seems to me somebody said that before the fall
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of the Roman Empire.
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All right, you're gonna have a party
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with a volcano and everything and we weren't invited?
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It's Ritchie's birthday party and you're both invited.
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Oh, I just remembered I'm on a low volcano diet.
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Yeah, me too.
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I hear that lava is loaded with cholesterol.
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Hey, uh, where you gonna have the party?
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At an amusement park.
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Hey, Rob, I don't like to butt in,
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but why don't you have it at the house?
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That's old-fashioned, today, to do that.
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It appears that, ah, suburbia's latest contribution
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to our culture is to see who can spend
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the most money in the most outlandish way
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on a kid's birthday party.
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He's right.
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You know that kid cousin of mine, Norman?
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- Yeah. - One that lives in Little Neck?
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Yeah.
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What do you think they gave him for his 10th birthday?
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What?
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Little Neck.
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I bet he didn't even appreciate it.
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Right, he wanted Great Neck.
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Boy, I'm telling you, kids today
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don't appreciate anything.
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ROB PETRIE: Mhm.
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Do you know, Rob, that when I was a kid, we were so poor,
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we couldn't even afford to have my eighth birthday.
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I just skipped from seven to 9.
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BUDDY SORRELL: You've been skipping them ever since.
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Oh, thanks a lot.
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When I was a kid, I'll bet my parents
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never spent over $10 on my birthday,
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but we had a lot of fun--
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musical chairs and potato raises.
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You know something?
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We could never get my potatoes to raise.
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And we used to whip them until the Eisen watered.
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How about all that fun we used to have
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with an empty milk bottle?
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Yeah, flipping pennies in them.
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No, stupid, spinning it.
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Kids in those days really know how to have fun.
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You know now we take them to an amusement park
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and we pay to have them entertained.
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Rob, do you know that my cousin
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spent 50 bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?
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You're kidding.
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We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.
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Sure you did, you were there.
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You know, we're ruining the kid is what we're doing.
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You know, you're right.
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You know, kids, today, are jaded.
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Yeah.
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You're right, they are jaded.
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You know something?
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We're the ones that are jading them.
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That's right.
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I'm not gonna sit back and watch
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my kid turn into a green rock.
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Who you calling?
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I'm gonna call--
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Laura?
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Laura, did you call that amusement park yet?
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Yeah, and it's all set.
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Well, that's too bad because I am gonna
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have to call and unset it.
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You mean, cancel it?
265
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:53,866
Why?
266
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,201
Because I don't want to live in the same house with a kid
267
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:56,335
that's turned green.
268
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,437
Rob, what are you talking about?
269
00:08:58,537 --> 00:09:00,806
Laura, I am not talking, I am commanding.
270
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,541
There's going to be no amusement park.
271
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,143
There's going to be no 63 kids.
272
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:06,379
When I get home tonight, we're gonna sit down with that party
273
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,780
list and do a little chopping.
274
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,948
And you'll thank me for it.
275
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:09,782
Rob, I--
276
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:12,118
Goodbye, I'll see you tonight.
277
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,587
I enjoyed that.
278
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,956
Enjoyed what?
279
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:21,427
Talking like my father used to.
280
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:24,564
Now do you really want Billy Fuller?
281
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:26,165
Yes.
282
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:30,603
Ritchie, isn't he the boy that bites you all the time?
283
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:35,608
Not all the time, just at recess.
284
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:36,943
You don't really want him?
285
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:37,843
No.
286
00:09:37,944 --> 00:09:39,078
Good.
287
00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:40,446
We're doing great here.
288
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,049
Honey, we have crossed out 30 kids he doesn't really want.
289
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,584
There's no sense in having them, right?
290
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:45,718
Right.
291
00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:47,587
Daddy, I wanna ask you a question.
292
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:48,821
ROB PETRIE: Sure, Rich.
293
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,257
Well, these guys I really don't want,
294
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,525
how do I get them not to come?
295
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:53,759
Well, simple, Rich.
296
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:54,894
We just don't invite them, that's all.
297
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:57,964
Oh, how do you uninvite someone?
298
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,198
What?
299
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:03,869
Well, all these cross outs, I've already asked them.
300
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:04,637
When?
301
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:07,406
Oh, last week in school.
302
00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:13,613
Rob, could I see you for a minute in the kitchen, please?
303
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,948
Should I go wash my hands?
304
00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:17,817
No, we'll go in the kitchen.
305
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,524
All right, you were very good at canceling
306
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:26,993
the amusement park.
307
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,628
Now let's see how good you are canceling 63 children.
308
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,197
Laura, don't do that.
309
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,798
Well, what then, Rob?
310
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:36,335
63 kids are planning to descend on our house.
311
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:37,670
Well, just don't panic.
312
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,305
There's a way out.
313
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:40,239
What is it?
314
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:42,508
Oh.
315
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:43,876
How about a clown?
316
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,611
Millie told me about this clown who entertains
317
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:46,545
at children's parties.
318
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,780
He's very good.
319
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,015
I think we can get them for less than--
320
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,650
Honey, I don't care how much it costs.
321
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:51,751
Honey, money is not the point.
322
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,619
It's the principle of the thing.
323
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,454
Parents shouldn't depend on professionals
324
00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:58,491
to entertain their own kids at a simple birthday party.
325
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,226
But he's our son, we're his parents
326
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,328
and we ought to give of ourselves a little bit.
327
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:05,131
Well, Rob, I agree with you, we should give of ourselves.
328
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:08,234
But let's be reasonable, there are two of us and 63 of them.
329
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,436
Well, there'll be six of us, Buddy and Sally,
330
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:12,638
and there'll be Millie and Jerry, and you and me.
331
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,775
We can come up with games and contests.
332
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,076
What kind of games?
333
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,477
We'll think of something that's not
334
00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:19,645
gonna wreck the whole house.
335
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,147
Like what?
336
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,148
Well, I don't know.
337
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:26,252
We-- we can play living statues and, uh,
338
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,520
the quietest kid contest.
339
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:28,854
I like that.
340
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:32,925
Rob, 63 children won't even fit in this house.
341
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,193
We'll have it in the backyard.
342
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:35,528
There's plenty of room out there, honey.
343
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,462
That's what we'll do.
344
00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:37,496
What if it rains?
345
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:38,764
It won't!
346
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,533
With you and I praying as hard as we can,
347
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:41,867
it can't possibly rain.
348
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,275
Did you see that day out there?
349
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,844
When I say it is not gonna rain, it's not gonna rain.
350
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:53,345
Don't you think we did the right thing now?
351
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,581
I'll tell you what I think after I see what that one
352
00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:57,483
little gray cloud does.
353
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,951
That cloud's gonna stay gray.
354
00:11:59,051 --> 00:11:59,852
That's what it's gonna do.
355
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,454
What's to do?
356
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,022
Well, you can take the string and run it from the patio roof
357
00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:04,457
to the garage, blow up the balloons
358
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,591
and put them on the string, mhm?
359
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:06,759
Right.
360
00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:08,394
(YELLING) I'll blow up my balloons!
361
00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:09,528
No, not too many, Rob.
362
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:10,529
He gets dizzy, and I don't want him
363
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,732
to be nauseous at the party.
364
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,266
Come on, [inaudible].
365
00:12:14,366 --> 00:12:17,503
[doorbell rings]
366
00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:18,537
Hi.
367
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:20,106
Well, good afternoon, Madam.
368
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,974
We understand you're having a little children's party here
369
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,276
today, and we would like you to take advantage
370
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:25,244
of our unique service.
371
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,946
Oh, and what pray tell are they?
372
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:30,616
Well, we make Martinis for the parents.
373
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:32,351
Boy, am I glad you guys came early.
374
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,753
Buddy, Rob's out in the back decorating.
375
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:36,555
Ah, how long before we meet the enemy?
376
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:37,957
About three hours.
377
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,792
Just give us time to write a few farewell notes
378
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:40,926
to our loved ones.
379
00:12:41,026 --> 00:12:41,861
Hey, where are Millie and Jerry?
380
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,129
Ah, just our luck.
381
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,163
They're both sick with colds and they're
382
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,297
afraid of infecting the kids.
383
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:46,098
Ah.
384
00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:47,233
Why didn't I think of that?
385
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,503
Catching a cold.
386
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,239
LAURA PETRIE: Rob.
387
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:54,173
Hi, Buddy.
388
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,407
Hi, Sally.
389
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,976
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, General, just come to join you.
390
00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:58,644
Laura, we forgot.
391
00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:01,046
The gardener comes on Saturdays.
392
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:04,150
Oh, well, if he's in your way, dear, just ask him to move.
393
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,185
He's already come and gone.
394
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,488
Honey, I'm afraid we can't have the party outside.
395
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:10,723
LAURA PETRIE: He watered.
396
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,292
We were afraid of rain and he watered.
397
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:14,560
So what?
398
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,095
So a couple of little darlings will get their feet wet.
399
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:17,496
Sure, let them wear their galoshes.
400
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:18,697
Yeah.
401
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:19,798
You're better off with clothespins.
402
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:20,699
What do you mean?
403
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,034
He didn't water.
404
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:26,639
There is 300 pounds of fertilizer on the lawn.
405
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,174
Fertilizer?
406
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:30,576
I thought the circus was in town.
407
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:32,111
And is it fertile?
408
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:33,112
Oh!
409
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:34,647
Oh, Rob.
410
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,248
Don't, oh, Rob, me.
411
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:39,718
That guy sprinkles that stuff on the lawn one time of year.
412
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,487
Now why did it have to be today?
413
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:42,555
Poor, Ritchie.
414
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,489
No poor Ritchie.
415
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:44,723
He's thrilled.
416
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,858
Right now he thinks he's the only kid
417
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:46,892
in the block with a birthday party
418
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,295
that's gonna have pony rides.
419
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,463
You better fasten your safety belts, folks, looks
420
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,332
like the party's coming inside.
421
00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:57,036
Four adults, you get 63 kids in an enclosed area?
422
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:58,537
God, what lousy odds.
423
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,272
[chuckles]
424
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,174
Laura, don't look at me like that.
425
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,443
Rob, she's got a right to look at you that way.
426
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:07,613
Well, I just don't know how we're gonna manage, that's all.
427
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:10,950
Ah, how about-- how about we wave a white flag?
428
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:12,651
Now wait a minute, let's-- don't panic.
429
00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:14,086
Here's the plan.
430
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:15,788
Jerry and Millie come over and infect as many kids
431
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,156
as they can.
432
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,691
Now look, we'll split the party
433
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:19,992
into three different groups.
434
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:21,594
Buddy, you'll take a group in the bedroom.
435
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,795
Sally, you'll take the living room.
436
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,063
Right.
437
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,064
I'll take a group in the den, and Laura
438
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,031
can flow through the house.
439
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,000
Oh, can she do that?
440
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,435
And what will the children do?
441
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,336
They'll have fun.
442
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,470
Oh, Rob!
443
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,405
There goes oh, Rob, again.
444
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:35,841
Honey, children are very resourceful if you
445
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,076
give them the chance to be.
446
00:14:37,176 --> 00:14:38,244
You leave them to their own devices,
447
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,379
they will create their own amusement.
448
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:44,250
[YELLING, SCREAMING, LOUD CHATTER]
449
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,175
Oh, my god, Buddy!
450
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,447
What do you want?
451
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:16,448
Help me!
452
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:17,850
But I need help.
453
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:18,851
Oh!
454
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:19,852
Wait a minute.
455
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:20,786
Where's Rob and Laura?
456
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:24,156
They're [inaudible]
457
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,758
All right, [inaudible] who's watching them?
458
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,459
Check, I don't know.
459
00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:36,035
Hey, [inaudible]
460
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,107
What is going--
461
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:44,076
Abandon ship, abandon ship.
462
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:45,544
Get back, get back. - What's the matter?
463
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,745
What's the matter?
464
00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:47,680
The kids are flooding the bathroom.
465
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:48,681
Oh!
466
00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:58,357
Hey, order.
467
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,025
Quiet!
468
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:06,065
[screaming] [whistles] Hold it!
469
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:09,034
Everybody shut up!
470
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,003
All right, now quiet!
471
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:13,005
Get those kids out of the bedroom.
472
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:14,640
Get everybody out from the den.
473
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:15,908
Get that hat off.
474
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,242
LAURA PETRIE: All right, everybody out.
475
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:19,378
ROB PETRIE: Everybody in here on the double.
476
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,379
I want quiet.
477
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,850
All right, quiet.
478
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:27,386
Now I want you to listen to me and I
479
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,154
want you to listen to me good.
480
00:16:29,254 --> 00:16:31,757
I don't know how this started, but it has ended right now.
481
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:33,325
Do you read me?
482
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:35,260
Now you've all behaved abominably
483
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:37,863
and I'm ashamed of each and every one of you.
484
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,365
This is a home.
485
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:42,634
It's not a playground and it's not an amusement park.
486
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,969
I want everybody to be quiet.
487
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,537
I don't want to hear one peep out of you.
488
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,806
I'm gonna go call your parents and have them take you home.
489
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:49,108
[collective "oh"]
490
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,075
Not a peep.
491
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:51,643
I want it quiet.
492
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,013
I want to see all the group leaders in the kitchen.
493
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,382
Untie that kid.
494
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,022
Well, it's my fault.
495
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,091
No, it's not your fault, darling.
496
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,960
Yeah, all you did was go for the ice cream.
497
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,262
It's my fault as much as yours.
498
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,332
Well, Laura, you had to take care of Stephanie's cut.
499
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:14,600
You know, none of this would have
500
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,235
happened if we knew how to yell at kids,
501
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:17,903
but neither one of us being parents--
502
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,105
Well, I think it's just a little harder to buck the trend
503
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:21,440
than I thought it was.
504
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,308
Well, you were right to try anyway, darling.
505
00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:24,810
I don't know about that.
506
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:27,679
Well, you had everything figured, but the fertilizer.
507
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,082
I mean, children's parties are getting out of hand,
508
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,884
and it's about time someone starts pointing it out.
509
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,085
Sure.
510
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,119
Let's get a national magazine to take
511
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,355
a picture of that living room.
512
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:37,923
It's just that it's hard to deny
513
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,526
your child something that other children are getting.
514
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,361
SALLY ROGERS: Well, I hate to be the one to break up
515
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:45,798
the seminar on morality, but you've got a room full of very
516
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,399
sullen kids out there.
517
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,069
Yeah, you know what that means when kids are quiet that long,
518
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:54,106
only one thing on their mind, mass retaliation.
519
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,909
Rob, you said that we don't give of ourselves
520
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,177
enough to our children, right?
521
00:17:58,277 --> 00:17:59,445
Well, how about your going in there
522
00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:01,380
and giving of yourself to them?
523
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,015
I don't think they want of me.
524
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,483
I think they want of my life.
525
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,218
Buddy and Sally, look, I know this is a lot to ask.
526
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,553
But do you think you could go in there
527
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,488
and keep them entertained for a few minutes?
528
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,623
Us in there?
529
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:12,825
Oh, thanks a lot, pal.
530
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,794
That's like sending a snowman into a steam bath.
531
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,496
I-- I know, it's a lot to ask.
532
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,898
But if you can just keep them quiet for a few minutes,
533
00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:21,200
and tell them that if they're good,
534
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,168
a clown will come and entertain them.
535
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,970
You want me to go in there and emcee
536
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:26,605
a room full of eight-year-olds?
537
00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:28,841
Would-- just for a few minutes, would you?
538
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,943
It's gonna be the greatest bookings since the Jascha
539
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,612
Heifetz played Birdland.
540
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:36,782
He had a violin to hit back with.
541
00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:37,983
OK, what do you need?
542
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,184
Well, probably a mop--
543
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,552
- A mop? - --you know, for this thing.
544
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:41,854
OK, a mop.
545
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,489
And you need something to juggle with too, won't you?
546
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:44,723
- Oranges, I guess. - In the refrigerator, darling.
547
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:45,991
OK.
548
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:47,159
Honey, would you split me a rubber ball?
549
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:48,026
LAURA PETRIE: Split a rubber ball?
550
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,361
Yeah.
551
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,129
How about those-- those rain boots that you had?
552
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,731
Yeah, good, I'll use those.
553
00:18:52,831 --> 00:18:56,702
Um, either there's a naked kid running around, or he melted.
554
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,837
Ah, I'll explain that to you later, dear.
555
00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:00,239
Mhm.
556
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,107
Now, what about those pajamas, those funny ones?
557
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:05,043
My [inaudible] pajamas and a funnel, you know, to put on--
558
00:19:05,143 --> 00:19:05,978
OK.
559
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,279
Thanks.
560
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:08,847
Oh, darling, you'll make a marvelous clown.
561
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,382
And I [inaudible].
562
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,184
Wanna help me put my jammies on?
563
00:19:12,284 --> 00:19:13,385
Could I?
564
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,921
(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm.
565
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:17,823
Ee i ee i o.
566
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,958
With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there,
567
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:22,361
and here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink-oink--
568
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:23,695
I think we're singing alone,
569
00:19:23,795 --> 00:19:25,163
(SINGING)Oink-oink here and a quack-quack there.
570
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:27,266
Hold it.
571
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:28,400
We're singing along.
572
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,401
Yeah.
573
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,036
(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm.
574
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:34,907
Ee i ee i o.
575
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:39,912
[clapping] That went over like a lead balloon.
576
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,414
Well, I got a funny feeling this ain't our room.
577
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,216
Ah, what other kind of kiddie song
578
00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:45,717
have you got for us, Aunt Sally?
579
00:19:45,817 --> 00:19:46,752
Well, how about--
580
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,021
how about "Lover Man and "Body and Soul"?
581
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,088
Sally!
582
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:52,391
We ran out of kids songs.
583
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:53,592
Well, uh, the show is ready.
584
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:54,326
Oh, come on.
585
00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:55,594
Oh, you announce it.
586
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:56,895
All right.
587
00:19:56,995 --> 00:20:00,032
Ah, boys and girls, Ritchie Petrie, the birthday boy,
588
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:05,637
is proud to present that stellar attraction, Robo, the clown.
589
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:06,605
I got a clown!
590
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:07,439
I got a clown!
591
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:11,276
[kids applauding and cheering]
592
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:26,225
Hey, you're not a clown.
593
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:27,659
You're my Daddy.
594
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:29,828
But-- but that doesn't mean I can't be a clown too.
595
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:30,762
No, you can't.
596
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:31,763
Daddy's a lawyer.
597
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:32,698
And Doctors.
598
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:33,732
And bus drivers.
599
00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:34,766
And riders.
600
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:35,901
Well, that's right.
601
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:38,437
That's true, but-- but anybody can be a clown.
602
00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:41,139
All you-- all you have to do is just want to make people laugh.
603
00:20:41,239 --> 00:20:43,308
If you wanna be a clown, you can be one.
604
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,778
[chuckles]
605
00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:48,513
[laughter]
606
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,516
See, I could be a clown if I want to be a clown.
607
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:54,653
All you have to do is think funny things real hard
608
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,855
and wish very hard that you wanna be a clown.
609
00:20:56,955 --> 00:20:57,856
I'll show you.
610
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,763
[music playing]
611
00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:12,804
(SINGING) When I grow up, I want to be a very famous clown
612
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:20,612
and have the people laugh at me when the circus comes to town.
613
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:24,549
I'll make them glad when they are sad.
614
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:28,787
I'll chase away each frown.
615
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:32,357
I'll blink my nose and tip my hat
616
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:36,194
when the circus comes to town.
617
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:40,232
And when you hear the old calliope,
618
00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:43,902
you watch me and you laugh.
619
00:21:44,002 --> 00:21:47,739
I'll jump like a seal and roll like a wheel
620
00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:51,843
and stretch my neck like a big giraffe.
621
00:21:54,813 --> 00:22:03,155
I hope you see me when I'm shown, when I become a clown.
622
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:14,266
Next year when I am fully grown and the circus comes to town.
623
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:15,233
Let's get him!
624
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:16,468
Hold it, hold it!
625
00:22:18,770 --> 00:22:20,305
Bye, Ritchie. Thank you.
626
00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:21,340
Bye.
627
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,674
- Goodbye, children. - Bye.
628
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:24,209
He's a good clown. Bye
629
00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:25,477
Thanks, bye.
630
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:32,451
Boy, am I beat.
631
00:22:32,551 --> 00:22:34,152
I'm sitting on one of those mortar shells.
632
00:22:34,252 --> 00:22:35,987
I'm too tired to move.
633
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:38,690
I sure hope it's a dud.
634
00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:42,060
Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.
635
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,129
SALLY ROGERS: Ah, do you want some help, Laura?
636
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,197
Oh, I'd love some.
637
00:22:45,297 --> 00:22:46,865
Put an ad in the paper.
638
00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:48,233
Thank you.
639
00:22:48,333 --> 00:22:49,901
Oh, well, Rich.
640
00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:52,938
Daddy, that was the best party I ever had.
641
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:54,840
Rich, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
642
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:58,243
Look, next year, I would like to have a nice sensible party
643
00:22:58,343 --> 00:22:59,578
with a sensible number of kids.
644
00:22:59,678 --> 00:23:00,979
[doorbell rings] - OK.
645
00:23:01,079 --> 00:23:02,848
Oh-oh, don't tell me the kids are coming back.
646
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:03,782
Oh, no.
647
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:04,816
No.
648
00:23:07,018 --> 00:23:07,886
Yes.
649
00:23:07,986 --> 00:23:09,287
Yeah, this is a place.
650
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,757
I have a present here for Mr. Ritchie Petrie from Alan Brady.
651
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:13,592
Oh, that [inaudible] man finally came in.
652
00:23:13,692 --> 00:23:14,893
Yeah, bring it in.
653
00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:16,528
Well, we were gonna put it in the backyard.
654
00:23:16,628 --> 00:23:17,729
You see, it's a--
655
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:18,730
Oh, listen, the backyard is off limits.
656
00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:19,631
Here, just bring it in here.
657
00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,032
OK, you asked for it.
658
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:25,237
Isn't that nice of Alan to remember his birthday?
659
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:27,139
All right, a pony.
660
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:29,040
I'm so glad I'm gonna get a pony.
661
00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:30,709
BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, Rob, a pony.
662
00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:31,843
Yeah.
663
00:23:31,943 --> 00:23:34,446
So Rich, I'm afraid, but you can't keep a pony.
664
00:23:34,546 --> 00:23:35,547
But why not, Daddy?
665
00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:37,416
It's only rented for three hours.
666
00:23:37,516 --> 00:23:38,750
It's only rented for three hours.
667
00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:39,551
[laughs]
668
00:23:39,651 --> 00:23:40,485
LAURA PETRIE: Hey, you guys.
669
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:41,853
Who's for sandwiches?
670
00:23:41,953 --> 00:23:43,955
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
671
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:44,856
[chuckles]
672
00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:48,160
[gasps]
673
00:23:50,028 --> 00:23:51,263
What'd you say, honey?
674
00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:55,500
LAURA PETRIE: I said, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!
675
00:24:01,306 --> 00:24:04,776
[theme song]
47716
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