All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E18

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Where's my coat?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Beth.

Lou, listen.

Believe me.

It's some kind of crazy mistake.

Look. I'm to blame.

Really. I'm to blame.

Hi there.

Nobody is to blame.

It's just some kind of crazy mistake.

That's right.

Yes, what we did-- what happened was when we first

got here, that was a mistake.

How much do I owe you? 10 bucks?

Oh, Lou.

You don't owe me anything, Lou.

I pay.

Even when I get taken, I pay.

There's 10 bucks.

I knew I couldn't lose that way legitimately.

Nobody is that unlucky.

And nobody is that lucky.

Come on, Beth. We're going.

Beth.

Nice meeting you folks.

Boy, look all the fun I missed.

And I, like a dope, went to the dog show.

Did you win anything?

No.

Hey, uh, what was going on?

Who was that?

Oh, his name is Lou Gregory, and he's a very ungracious man.

Hi, Sally.

A little suspicious too.

Hi, Sal.

Well, you can't blame him.

He used to be an assistant district attorney.

Hi, Sal.

Well, what was he doing here?

He's a patient of Jerry's, and we invited him over

for a nice friendly evening.

Hi, Sal.

See.

His son and Ritchie are in the same class.

Boy, I hope this doesn't get back to school.

I mean, Ritchie is just going to be mortified.

What get back to school?

What's the difference?

He can always introduces his father as Willie Sutton.

- Why? - Look.

How do you think I feel?

It's worse to be called a crook than a son of a crook.

He called you a crook?

He didn't really call you a crook.

Yes, he did.

He just thinks Rob is a crook.

Well, why does he think he was a crook?

Well, because he accused Rob of slipping

a deck of marked cards into our poker game.

Marked cards-- well, why would he think that?

Because that's what Rob did.

And Rob won a lot of money playing

with his own marked deck.

Hey, Rob.

Is this true?

Two of clubs.

Five of spades.

Eight of hearts.

Jack of diamonds.

You guys don't think I'd do that deliberately, do you?

Why would I use marked cards to win $10?

Well, it's easier than sticking

up a live chicken market.

Well, you could have robbed Ritchie's piggy bank, you know?

Now, look, you guys.

Even in fun, I don't like that kind of talk.

Now, you know Rob didn't mean to cheat.

I didn't cheat.

- All right. - Look.

Is somebody going to tell me what's going on

or do I have to hear the dirty version

from the kids in the street?

Well, it's simple.

We were playing poker in Rob's house with Rob's marked cards.

And we all lose, and he wins.

Buddy, that's not fair.

I know, but I figure if I insult

him maybe he'll tell us the whole truth, and nothing but.

Look.

If I don't get all the gory details of this,

I'm going back to dog show.

You still won't win anything.

Oh, shut up.

Actually, Sally, none of this would

have happened if I had just left Rob alone with his magic.

You see-

Hold the phone.

What magic?

Well, you know Rob does magic.

Honey, will you please let me explain it?

I'd like to handle my own case if you don't mind.

All that happened was that Jerry and Millie

invited those Gregorys over here to play poker tonight.

SALLY: Yeah.

Well, just before everybody arrived, I was in the kitchen.

I was showing Ritchie some magic tricks.

Watch carefully.

It gets smaller, and smaller, and smaller until it rolls up

into a very small ball.

And we take our magic wand.

Tap it twice, and it's gone.

It's in the other hand.

No.

All gone.

How do you like that?

Now, where's my other-- oh.

Yay.

OK.

How did you do that, Daddy?

How did you do that?

Well, watch this very closely.

Watch this handkerchief.

What are you going to do with it?

I am going to blow my nose.

[laughs]

Where'd my little red ball go there, Rich?

Oh, here it is.

Watch it closely now.

What's going to happen?

It's going to disappear.

All gone.

And there it is in the joint.

It also has another property.

You can roll it softly, like that, it gets warmer

and softer and softer until finally it's gone.

See?

All gone.

Now, I find it right down there.

And there it is.

[inaudible]

You like that?

OK.

Now, comes the really hard magic part.

How many balls?

One.

Two.

Two balls, right?

Both solid balls, right? RITCHIE: Uh-huh.

OK. Now, how many three?

RITCHIE: Three. - There's three balls there.

1, 2, 3.

Now, I'm going to take this one, and I'm going to throw it away.

And I reach in my pocket, and there it is.

Now, here's the hard part, because these balls

are slippery. OK.

How many balls?

RITCHIE: Four.

Four balls, right?

Yay!

How about that?

Thank you.

Thank you very kindly.

Will you teach me how to do it, Daddy?

Well, not until you're old enough to master it, Rich.

LAURA: Rob, you better get ready.

It's 8 o'clock.

Oh, and will you get some ice out?

I got the ice.

LAURA: Oh, well, then would you please?

Isn't there some trick I'm old enough to master?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, there is, Rich.

Darling, I don't know why you always

start these things at bedtime.

Well, honey, it's a good way to bribe him into bed.

If I show you this, will you go to bed, Rich?

- Uh-huh. - See?

Well, I don't approve, but I'm too busy to moralize.

Who asked you?

Rob, will you please get the ice out?

OK, I'll get the ice out.

Now, Rich, with this deck-- see--

the backs all look the same, all blue.

- Mhm. - See those on wheels on there?

Uh-huh.

With this deck I can tell you any card

you pick out of the deck.

You can?

Yeah.

All right.

Pick a card, any card.

Huh.

That is the king of hearts.

How did you know?

Well, your father happens to be gifted with extrasensory

perception and X-ray eyes.

That's all. - Really, Daddy?

Yeah.

And besides that I marked the cards.

You marked it?

Yeah.

I'll show you.

See on the back here, see this wheel here?

Uh-huh.

There are 13 spokes in the wheel, right?

Uh-huh.

That's one for every card.

Ace straight up.

The next is the one, two, three, and right on around.

Now, the other wheel here is for the suits.

Straight up at 12 o'clock is spades.

3 o'clock is diamonds.

6 o'clock is hearts, and clubs is over here at 9 o'clock.

You see that? - Uh-huh.

OK.

Now, what I want you to do, Rich, is show me

if you can do the trick. Now, take it.

OK.

Remember what I told you.

Pick a card, any card.

OK.

I'll take a card.

What is it, kid?

It's the 1, 2, 3.

The three of hearts.

Right. See.

Now, you can do a trick.

Can I keep these cards?

Well, those are not for playing games with, Rich.

Those are just magic cards for tricks.

Rob, what do I have to do?

Ritchie should have been about a half an hour ago.

Now, will you please?

Say no more.

Rich, let's show them the vanishing boy trick.

OK.

Say good night, boy.

Good night, Mommy.

Good night, sweetie.

OK.

Here we go, Rich.

Abracadabra.

Alakazam.

Presto Chango, Ritchie's gone.

Where'd he go?

Good night, Mom.

Oh.

Now, come on, Rob.

Let's hop to it.

Hop to it.

Honey, what are you nervous about?

We got neighbors coming over. That's all.

Yeah.

But we don't know two of those neighbors,

and I'd like to make a nice impression.

With those legs and that dress,

you got to make a nice impression.

Oh.

After they finish applauding me, I'd

like to know that the rest of the evening

is going to go well.

You know, I don't think Jerry's idea of playing

poker is such a good idea.

Oh, come on, honey.

I haven't played poker in, I bet you, five years now.

Besides, poker is a good way to get

to break the ice with people.

We'll probably be raided.

They don't raid penny ante games.

Darling, would you get the ice out?

How'd you do that?

Magic, that's all.

LAURA (VOICEOVER): Well, I didn't

think anything of those cards, and I

left them right on the bar.

ROB (VOICEOVER): And we didn't even plan on playing poker,

but it was suggested as a good way

of getting to know each other.

SALLY (VOICEOVER): Well, who suggested it?

LAURA (VOICEOVER): Jerry did.

JERRY (VOICEOVER): I've always heard that the best

way to get to know people is to play

charades or poker with them.

ROB (VOICEOVER): I wish we'd played charades.

Hey, Laura these are the same cards we played with last week.

How do you know?

Because there's a coffee stain on the six--

Hey.

Hey, come on, Mr. DA.

In or out?

I'm a former DA.

I don't want your credentials.

I want your money.

I'm thinking.

Well, don't overdo it.

Oh, Lou.

Don't take it so seriously.

It's just a game.

There's no other way to take it.

It's how you play the game.

It doesn't matter if you win or lose.

As long as you wind up at the end of the evening

with all the money.

All right. I'm in.

Rob?

Well, I would have to stay.

What do you say, Buddy?

I say I should have stayed home and played

Crazy Eights with Pickles?

Well, fellas, I have three queens.

Ah.

How do you like that?

I had jacks over 10.

Take the money, Mrs. DA.

What'd you have, Rob?

Three sixes.

Three sixes?

After that hard luck story?

Did you get the way he tried to bluff us?

Hey, Rob, don't-- don't quit now.

You're just beginning to lose.

I'll be right back.

These new shoes are killing my feet.

I'm going to put on my lucky slippers.

What are you going to do?

Shuffle the cards with your toes?

It's your deal, Laura.

Hey, how about little Three Card Barrington?

Three Card Barrington?

How do you play that?

You just deal three cards.

Red nines are wild.

Seven of clubs is high.

Low card passes.

Ace, nine, six, four of all suits is Barrington.

And that's when you win?

No, that's when everybody gets up and walks around the chairs.

Well, how do you-- how do you win?

Well, while everybody else is walking around the chairs,

I grab the money.

Didn't you drop a card, Laura?

Ha ha, Laura.

He caught you.

Listen, Jerry.

If I were going to cheat, I'd be a little more subtle.

Well, some sharpies operate that way, you know?

Oh, look what I did.

I put my heel right through it.

Well, listen.

I have another deck of Ritchie's if you

don't mind playing with that.

BETH: Well, Laura, my goodness.

What difference does it make?

Every deck has the same 53 cards.

52, Beth.

What?

You don't count the Joker?

Not in this game, dear.

Oh, well then I'll stop waiting for it.

Yes, my dear.

Hey, Lou, when you were with the DA,

did you find many of those Mississippi riverboat

types operating in the suburbs?

- There were some. - Yeah.

But they don't do too good anymore.

You know, with the high silk hat, and cut-away coat,

and torn away pants.

It's a dead giveaway.

Unfortunately, today's cardsharp usually wears button

down collar and striped tie.

Here he is now, Gaylord [inaudible] Petrie.

Well, thank you all very kindly.

I want you to notice there's nothing up my slipper.

Oh, I always advise people never

to play cards with anybody excepting their friends.

In that case, I pass.

I can't open.

I can't either.

Can anybody open?

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to.

Oh, he'll have to.

Do you get that?

Oh, ho, I guarantee you he got them.

OK. What do you say, folks?

Buddy says I got him.

I say I don't.

Am I honest, or am I not?

I'm in.

Hm.

Yeah.

Give me three cars, Laura.

Three for Jerry.

I think I'll try my new system.

Give me two.

Two for the lady with the new system.

Three darling ones for me please.

Three darling ones for Beth.

I'll take two.

How do you want them, Lou?

Don't be cute, dear.

Darling?

I'll take three.

Three.

I'll take three.

I'm drawing to an inside straight.

OK.

I'll start with a dime.

Mhm.

Think we can trust this guy?

Well, I'm married to him, and I don't believe

a thing he says in poker.

Well, in that case, I call a dime and raise a nickel.

That'd be $0.15 to me, huh?

Well, I fold.

Well, I've got to believe you, too.

I fold.

Let me see your cards, honey.

- I fold. - What do you mean you fold?

What happened to your new system?

That's my system.

Ante up, take two cards, and fold.

Well, I'm out.

I'll see you.

OK, me too.

You?

Made it, fella.

Nine, 10, jack, queen, ace?

What happened to your king?

Must have abdicated.

Boy, I better get my glasses [inaudible]

Well, it's up to you and me, Rob.

Let's see what kind of poker player you are.

I've got a flush, ace high.

[inaudible] kind of pretty.

I have here a pair kings--

Oh, that's nothing.

And I have another pair of kings.

Down in Memphis we call that four of a kind.

- Boy, that's pure luck. - Luck?

Why, sir.

Down in old Mississippi we call that no-how.

Would you stop gloating?

All I said it was no-how.

You know what that means, don't you?

That means that you folks tonight

ain't got no chance, no-how.

Rob, how could you not know that you

were using marked cards?

I just-- I just thought I was on a lucky streak.

I mean I was on a lucky streak.

Well, how come this Lou didn't notice

that they were marked cards?

I mean he's an ex-DA, isn't he?

Well, Lou didn't expect.

Yeah.

He thought he was playing with decent people.

Millie.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Yeah.

We all know what you mean.

Let's just hope you haven't lost me a patient, Rob.

Look.

I may have lost my standing in the community.

Well, don't worry.

You can always give cheating lessons.

Oh.

That's what we get for playing cards for money.

I told you we should have played charades.

But no. - Back to the game.

What happened?

Two solid hours there I could do no wrong, no how.

How did it finally come out that the cards were marked?

And who gave you away?

Who do you think?

Give me those deuces. And give me those tres.

Give me those aces. That's the way I play.

Just put your money right in the pot.

I'll take it home.

And thanks a lot.

Ah, shut up, Rob.

That's all we need is a floor show at the card game.

Oh, delicious.

I need one more card, and that's it.

Millie, can you deal those cards?

I want to run away with you to Pago Pago.

And I won't stand in your way.

You go in there you little fortune-hunter, you.

Ah.

Wup.

Pip up, Rob.

Things will get better.

Well, I've heard that before.

This is the last hand. I've had it.

Hey, come on. You can't quit now.

It's your chance to get even. It's the last hand.

That means the stakes are double,

and there's no limit on the last card.

You can be a winner.

[chuckles]

You are miserable when you're happy.

Lou, darling, you are first please.

I'll open.

That's the spirit, Lou.

I'll make it easy on you.

Only raise it a dime.

I'm in.

Mommy, I can't sleep.

Oh, honey, you want a glass of water?

Oh, this is Mr. And Mrs. Gregory.

This is our little boy, Ritchie.

Oh, Lou, isn't he a darling child?

Yeah.

You winning, Daddy?

Naturally, Rich.

Can I stay up and watch a little?

No, sir.

You've got school tomorrow morning.

You've got to get back to bed. - Oh, honey, come on.

Let him stay up a few more minutes.

Well, all right.

Just for a little while.

How many cards, Rob?

I can't make up my mind.

Shall I keep this one, or shall I throw it away?

Throw it away, daddy.

It's just an old ace of spades

[laughs] Isn't that cute?

Rich, give me a kiss and go to bed.

But you just said I could stay up.

You stayed up. Now, go to bed.

Well, darling, you did tell him he could stay up.

I know, honey.

But I didn't mean what I said. Go to bed, Rich.

Come on, Rob.

You're holding up the game. - That's the word.

Hold up. - I'm sorry.

I just can't concentrate with a child in here in the room.

[coughs]

Gee, Daddy.

You were right about those wheels.

They're cinchy.

What?

What wheels?

Uh, he's got his eye on a new bike.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.

I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight.

If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.

Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen.

You going to shoot yourself?

That's a-- that's a clever kid.

Rob?

Hey, you know something.

[nervous laugh] This is fun.

I love getting together just for the evening

a pleasure with everyone.

Honey, get them out of here.

Why, darling?

No, no, no, Laura.

You stay right here. I'll tell you what, Rob.

Why don't you get the kid a drink of water

and show me where the beer is?

I'll get you a drink a water and show

the kid where the beer is. - Yeah.

Let's go. - Hey, Petrie.

Huh.

Put your cards back on the table.

Oh, how stupid of me.

Just going to be [inaudible] Get water, Ritchie.

Rob, Rob, how come that card-- the card I just saw--

how did he know what it was?

It's a good trick.

Isn't it, Uncle Jerry?

What kind of a trick, kid?

It tells on the backs of the cards--

Shh.

A marked deck.

I'm afraid so.

It's my magic deck.

Get your water.

You mean to tell me you've been playing

poker with a marked deck?

Yeah, but I didn't know it. Believe me, Jerry.

You mean it was just a coincidence that you've

been winning all hands?

Well, yes.

Well, you know the Gregorys have dropped about 10 bucks.

They're not going to believe it was a coincidence.

Well, it is a coincidence. Listen.

I was winning before we started using this deck.

No, no, no, no, no, you were not.

You didn't start winning until Laura ruined that first deck

accidentally on purpose.

At least, that's how it looks.

Did Mommy do something naughty?

No, kid.

Your mother would never do anything naughty.

Well, neither would your father.

Rich, look. It's a little complicated.

Somehow our magic deck got int he card game.

That's all.

Get your water.

Listen, Rob.

Rob, it is hard to believe that you've been getting

all those winning hands without reading

the backs of those cards.

I don't know.

Maybe subconsciously I was reading them.

But your conscious is winning all the money.

What are you going to do about it?

Well, I'll just lose it all back to them consciously right

now. - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. How can you do that?

This is the last hand.

What have you got?

I've got a full house.

Three aces and two kings.

Look.

What I'll do, I'll get the pot up, and I'll fold my cards.

Lou's got the win.

He's got three eights to Laura's pair.

I thought you didn't look.

Huh?

Oh, well, I probably noticed just when Richie did.

You believe me.

Don't you, Jerry?

Of course, I believe you, but-- but the Gregorys

don't love you like I do.

It's very simple.

I'm just going to give all the money back.

I'll up the ante and fold the cards.

That's all.

But that's cheating, Daddy.

Well, Ritchie, when you cheat to win, that's naughty.

But when you cheat to lose, it's ridiculous.

You want some more water?

No, please, daddy.

OK. Are you ready?

Yeah.

Wish me luck, bad luck.

Just say good night, Rich. That's all.

Just good night.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Bad luck, Daddy.

[laughs] Thanks.

I mean, go to bed. - All right.

Now, can we play a little poker? Come on.

OK. Where-- where were we?

We were waiting for you.

Oh, well, I'll take three cards.

You can't take three cards, Rob.

You've already drawn.

Oh, well, I'll-- I'll just lose with--

I'll just play with these-- you know I'm a big bluffer anyway.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Now, I'm out, he tells me.

Come on, Rob.

It's your bet.

Oh, last game.

No limit. OK.

I'll bet a-- I'll be a half-- a half dollar.

Isn't this hand getting a little steep?

Last hand here.

We all poker players, or not?

Oh, all right.

I call a half dollar and raise a quarter.

I don't know.

Well, she knows. She knows.

She's in. She's in.

BETH: Well, I'm out.

$0.75 to me.

Huh?

I don't know.

Take the money, Petrie. It's useless.

No. You can't, Lou.

I mean it's the last hand.

And you opened.

All right.

I'll stay one more round.

$0.75.

OK, and I'll raise that a dollar.

Raise a dollar?

You just talked me into staying, then he raises a dollar.

Petrie, you pull every trick in the book.

What's next?

Now, listen, Lou. Why don't you stay?

Maybe you'll win.

- You want half my action? - Sure.

Why not? - Ah!

No, no, no. I don't want that.

Do you ever get the feeling that your host

is sucking you into a pot?

Not me.

Well, I'll see you, Lou, and raise your dollar.

Oh, that's nice.

You're keeping it in the family.

There's my dollar.

You're raising a dollar?

Well, I don't have to.

Yeah, you have to. Yes, you do, honey.

- Well, no, I don't. - Yes, you do.

A bet is a bet is a bet is a bet.

All right.

Seems hopeless.

Last hand, Lou.

Come on.

This is your chance now.

I feel it in my bones.

This is a loser.

All right.

Here's the $2, and I'll raise a dollar, and I'm all in.

Yeah. That's the way it goes, Lou.

See.

You knocked me out.

I bluffed.

I can't believe it.

Well, neither can I.

What's the big mystery about it.

I was bluffing. That's all.

It worked. Honey, it's Lou's.

No. It isn't.

I see you, Lou, and raise you another dollar.

Well, honey, you can't do that.

You can't do that.

Three raises is our limit. Three raise--

No, sir.

You said this hand has no limits.

I'm out of money.

I'm all in.

Well, uh, uh, Lou.

I'll lend you the money. - No, no, no, no, no.

I have a rule.

I only play with my own money. - No.

You don't have to pay me back at all.

Lou's in.

Rob, who's side are you on?

That's going to be my pot.

Lou is still in.

I am not.

I'm out.

No, Lou, please.

But this could be the one. Believe me.

It could be it.

I'm talking to you like a friend and a neighbor, Lou.

And a mind-reader.

Would you let me play my own hand?

Lou, take my money.

Why?

Why should I stay in?

Because you got three eights.

She's only got a pair.

[gasping]

Oh.

Oh.

Marked cards!

Oh my goodness.

What do you know?

There's a simple explanation for-- you

know what must have happened.

It's my magic deck.

Yeah.

Magic is right.

You just made your friends disappear.

A nice friendly game of marked cards.

Cheating in the suburbs.

Yeah.

And that's when you came in.

Well, gee, no wonder he was so mad.

Rob, you know what we ought to do.

We ought to drive over there and explain it to them,

just as we did to Sally.

Oh, honey, nobody'd believe us.

Well, Sally did.

Yeah, but I'm not out 10 bucks.

Well, we'll give them back their money.

Oh, that wouldn't work.

I'm going to have to face the fact there's going to be one

guy walking around this community telling everybody

I'm a card shark and a crook.

[knocking] The cops.

- Rob. - Lou.

- Who? - Lou.

Ooh.

Oh, Lou, I'm glad you came back.

Well, I only came back because we took the wrong coats.

But as long as I'm here, I might as well tell you the reason

I walked out of here.

Well, you made it very clear.

You called me a card cheat.

But there was another reason.

Well, what was it?

As you know, Rob, I happen to be a former district attorney.

And as a former district attorney, I should have--

You were embarrassed because you

didn't notice we were playing with marked cards, I'll bet.

Well, wouldn't you be?

- Yeah, I sure would. - Yeah.

Well, that's the reason, huh?

Yes, that's the reason.

BETH: Yes.

That's the reason.

And the other reason he walked out

is because he happens to be a big fat sore loser.

Right, darling?

Well, it depends on how you look at it?

And he always grabs the wrong coats

so that he can come back later and have

an excuse to apologize.

Yes.

And we just did that.

So now, let's get back to the table

and play poker with my cards.

If you want to be a good neighbor,

you better lose a few hands.

Right.

It's dealer's choice, folks, and any card that Lou gets is wild.

Well, that's pretty good for openers.

Right now, let's play poker.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Let's play cards.

I haven't got all night. How many cards do you want?

(DISAPPROVING) Lou.

Boy, if I ever get two cards alike,

I'm going to have them made up into bookends.

Let's see what the cards will hold for Mr. Lucky.

Ritchie, what are you doing up again?

I can't sleep.

Can I have a drink of water?

More water?

Is this a kid or a camel?

[laughs] Lou, I'll take one card.

All righty. One card.

Right.

Keep that, Daddy.

The king of hearts is good.

Let's get our coats.

He's starting that again.

Lou, there's got to be an explanation.

These are your cards we're playing with.

Oh.

Rich, how did you know that was the king of hearts?

I saw it in his glasses.

What?

He's right, Lou.

I can see it in your glasses.

We'll play without glasses then.

Right. Everybody off with the glasses.

[theme music]