All language subtitles for Helen.Hong.Well.Hong.2022.WEBRip.x264-ION10English

ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, please put
your hands together

for Helen Hong!

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Hi!

Wow!

Holy fucking shit balls.

I haven't been on stage
in a year.

[LAUGHING]

I really have not been on stage
in a year.

So this is either going to be
a miracle or flaming shit show.

Let's do this.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I learned so much about myself
during the pandemic.

That was
the one good thing, right?

It was like a time
of self discovery.

I learned that nothing on earth,

and I mean
literally nothing on earth,

will ever get me to read a book.

Nothing, never.
It's not happening.

Didn't happen
before the pandemic,

not happening now.

And it's not like
I didn't have the time.

So that excuse
was complete bullshit.

Yeah. I will get all the way
to the end of Netflix

and then start back over
at the beginning of Netflix,

rather than crack open a book.

It's just not happening.

And I, you know,
I like to think of myself

as an erudite, intelligent,
some other smart word

person. But I just have
to accept the fact

that I am a dumb trash bag
who just don't read.

It's not happening.
It's not happening.

I also learned
that I have zero ability,

zero ability to tell if someone
is hot from here, down.

Oh.

We all encountered this, right?

Covid hot. Hot from the mask up.

Right? You see someone
at the grocery store,
you're like, oh yeah.

Yes. Look at the eyes on you.

Mmm-hmm. Come on over here.

They pull their masks down
and you're like, whoa!

Yikes, woofitywoof.
What happened there?

I did not see that nose coming.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look at you. You've got
big brown eyes
and big brown teeth.

Wow, check that out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We were always told
that the eyes
were the window to the soul.

That's some bullshit.

Now we know
this part of the face
was doing all the heavy lifting.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like the mouth and the nose
are the unsung heroes
of hotness.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because you can see someone
with really dark sunglasses

and still tell if they're hot.

But this this is the wild,
wild west under here.

Things can go sideways
really fast.

And I know
I've been tricking people
to like, if I'm masked up

and someone way out of my league
is hitting on me, I'm like,
yo, I just

I just want you to know, I know
my eye makeup
is on point right now,

but I have my original
Korean nose under here.

So manage your expectation.
We can still fuck.

I mean, we can still do it.

I have no problem.
I can keep the mask on.

You could imagine
whatever you want
is going on under here.

But it's full disclosure.

I was single
when the 'Rona started.
And, surprise! Still single.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I can't believe how many people
were dating during the pandemic.

I would talk to people,
and I'd be like,
wait, you're, you're dating?

Like, how?
Like, how does that work?

And they'd be, like, we
we go on FaceTime dates.

I'm like, what...

So you're just
camgirling each other?

You're just... You're just
showing each other body parts

and, like, jerking off
at the same time over the phone?

And they're like, no, no, Helen.
Come on.

We talk and we
get to know each other.

And I'm like, when do you do it?

And they're like, never.
I'm like, what? So you're just
making a new friend?

What? That's... You're making
a pen pal over FaceTime?

That sounds horrible.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Talking,
that's the worst part of dating.

That's... I don't talk
to the friends I have now.

I don't need
any more phone buddies.

That's not dating.
That's genuine human connection.

Gross.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Even the apocalypse
will not get me
to answer the phone.

And don't get me wrong.

Like during the pandemic,
I was, you know, I would
think about people

that I hadn't talked to
in a couple of years.

And I would reach out.
I would text them and be like,
hey, I hope you're all right.

Through all this craziness,
I hope your family is okay.

Sometimes these people
would try to call me back.

Whoa! Hey, come on.

Don't break our trust here.

Okay. We have
an unwritten social contract.

I text you, you text me back.

Don't try to call me.

Are you insane? I'm still
more afraid of answering

the phone than I am
of catching the Corona virus.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I text you
and you call me back,
I'll assume you're all right.

Your shit's going to voicemail.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I have a new type of person
that I'm into now
because of the pandemic.

Yeah, I'm into
doomsday preppers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Remember when we thought
doomsday preppers

were just cuckoo pants weirdos?

Like, look at this freak.
He's digging

an underground bunker. Pffft.

And then Covid happened.

And we had
the great toilet paper crisis.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And now I'm like, yeah,
climb into this bunker, baby.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, I'm on Tinder.

If you don't have
30 cases of beans
in your basement,

swipe left, asshole.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No 2,000 pack of mac and cheese?

Keep it moving.

I want someone
who's thinking long term.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because the toilet paper
shortage was the scariest part
of the pandemic, right?

I mean, people were literally
getting into fistfights

at Target over toilet paper.

Which says so much about
how spoiled we are as Americans.

None of us thought we were going
to starve to death.

But crusty asshole, oh that...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That was a fear.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

That was a real fear.

Like the supermarkets
never ran out of food.

They always had food.

The only things they were out of
were cleaning supplies and TP.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My parents thought this was
the most ridiculous thing.

My parents both survived
almost starving to death

in the middle of the Korean War.
So they were, like,

what's with the toilet paper?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do people know
that if you shit in your house,

you can just jump in the tub?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And wash your asshole?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Mom and Dad.

We are not
a third-world country.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We don't wash our butts.

Are you crazy? No.

We get into fistfights at Target
like civilized people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I totally got caught up in it.

I got caught up in the TP panic.

I was down to my last roll
of Charmin and I freaked out.

I drove down to the hood.

I trekked down to, like,
little Guatemala,

and I found a tiny little bodega

and they had toilet paper.

But you know what?

It was in Espanol.

Si.

I snatched up cuatros rollos...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...de papel higienico.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I learned something

very interesting
about Spanish-language
toilet paper.

A lot of the times it's scented.

Right at the top
of my cuatros rollos.

Right at the top it says,
"Aroma..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"De...

"Manzanilla."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Which I Google translated.

It means "scent of chamomile."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I had bought
chamomile-flavored toilet paper,

which was disappointing because
my asshole prefers
a nice Earl Grey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because it was so stressful.

The pandemic was so stressful.

I was grinding my teeth

so badly, and I learned
how bad it had gotten

when I finally made my way
back to the dentist.

My dentist, by the way,
is a 70-year-old
Palestinian man.

So he's seen some shit.

And he's like, "Oh,

"Helen.

"Helen, Helen, Helen.

"You are grinding your teeth.

"Grinding, grinding,
grinding, grinding.

"I can tell because your
jaw muscles are huge."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Guys. I'm jacked in the face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Of all the muscle groups

that I wish were ripped
on my body.

Not my abs, not my biceps.

No, I have a yoked head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And nobody thinks
a huge jaw is hot.

Come on. Nobody's, like,
hey, did you see when she pulled
her mask down?

Ooh! Her mandibles are thick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was so stressed out
in the middle of the pandemic.

I tried to make an appointment
with my doctor.

And my doctor was, like,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're only doing telemedicine.

You can't come here.

No, we're we're going to Zoom
like everybody else is doing.

You can show me the body part
that's wrong with you

over your laptop,
and I will diagnose you
over the Internet.

I'm, like, that sounds like
a security nightmare.

But you know what?

Google already has
all the pictures of my tits.

So whatever.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I made this appointment
with my doctor,

and I'm, like,
Doc, you gotta help me out.

I am not doing well.

I'm, like, not sleeping well.

I'm grinding my teeth.

I'm Asian.

Please help me out.

And my doctor,
God bless her, goes,

Helen.

Have you tried meditating?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, bitch.

I live in L.A.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I bounce up and down
on a fucking yoga ball

in the middle of my living room.

I have fucking
Deepak motherfucking Chopra
going on in the background.

I'm doing
that Tibetan singing bowls.

I've got
the incense and the tea.

I've got a yoni egg
up in my hooha.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yes, I have heard
of fucking meditation.

But guess what?
We're in the middle

of the apocalypse right now.
There's a global pandemic.

Stand-up comedy is dead.

I have lost half my income.

Asian people are getting
randomly attacked
in the streets.

I think we're a little bit
past meditating, okay?

Give me
the fucking drugs, bitch.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Let's triple up my Lexapro,
pile on the Zoloft.

Give me the Xanax crushed

so I can snort it
because I need it yesterday.

Stop wasting my fucking time.

Let's do this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She said no.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Which is why I'm on 300
CBD edibles right now.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I feel great.

She goes like this.
She's, like, Helen,
I'll make you a deal.

I will write you a prescription
for five Xanax.

And once you get through
the five, you come back
and see me.

And if you're doing
okay, I'll give you
another five.

Five fucking Xanax?

That is what I sprinkle
on my cereal in the morning.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This bitch thinks five Xanax

is going to last me longer
than 42 minutes?

Get the fuck out of here.

So I have a doctor friend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because I'm Korean.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And if we're not one,
we know one.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I call my doctor friend.
I'm, like, yo,

my doctor is being such
a stingy bitch.

She'll only give me five Xanax.

What the fuck?

Like, what is she afraid of?

Like, what does she think
is going to happen?

That I end up with no teeth,
just sucking dick in an alley?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And my friend goes, yeah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, that's the fear.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm like...

[GROANS]

Fine.

Will you give me the Xanax?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I have shitty friends.

So I got a dog.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I was so lucky.

I got a dog
just before lockdown happened.

Because, you know, you remember

in the middle of quarantine,
you couldn't get a dog.

Dogs were sold out.

It was like TP and then dogs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got this dog

not so much
because of the soothing effects
of a dog,

but because I heard that dog
Xanax is easier to get...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...than people Xanax.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Did you guys know
that dog Xanax

and people Xanax
is the exact same shit?

Yes, same stuff.

You just have to play around
with the amounts.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like one pill every one hour
for you

is one every seven hours
for the dog.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you don't have to wrap
the pill in bologna or anything.

You can just take it,
just take it.

You don't have to mix it
in peanut butter. Just take it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm going to have this dog
on years and years

of anti-anxiety medication.

Years.

At some point,
the vet is going to be, like,

Helen, I think your dog
is doing okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm going to be, like,
oh God, no.

No, please.

The dog had a horrible
Tinder date last night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The dog has been getting
some very racist

comments on its YouTube channel.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The dog's mom wants it
to marry a Korean doctor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's my mom, guys.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My mom wants me
to marry a Korean doctor

because that woman
stays on brand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And actually, I don't know
what the big deal is
with Korean doctors.

I had a Korean doctor
for a while, and he
was the worst doctor.

He was totally phoning it in.

He was playing Fortnite
in the corner,

I was like, dude,
I'm naked over here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I actually have a theory
about Asian doctors.

It is very controversial
so buckle up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I think Asian doctors

are the worst doctors.

And it isn't just
because my friend
wouldn't give me

the fucking Xanax.

By the way, this is a theory
that I can have
and you can have

and maybe she can have,
and none of the fucking
rest of you can have.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

So don't try getting all racist

at your doctor's office.

This one's for us.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Here's my theory.

I don't want my medical care
in the hands of someone

who can't even stand up
to their own parents.

I mean, come on, let's face it.

Half of Asian doctors
don't want to be doctors at all.

They want to be rappers
like the rest of us.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And how are you going to fight
meningitis

if you can't even fight
your own tiger mom, Dr. Kim?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I want my doctor to be

a non-Asian, non-Indian,
non-Jewish doctor.

Because you know that doctor
had to go through some shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can you imagine even applying
to medical school

with a name
like Billy Bob Buckworth?

Oh, okay. Thank you
for your application, Billy Bob,

but we have seven Patels
in line ahead of you.

So, take a seat.

I feel like I can make fun
of Asians

because they're my own people.

The rest of you
need to watch yourselves.

Because it's not a fun time
to be Asian right now.

No, not a fun time
to be Asian right now.

Not only are we being blamed
for the end of civilization.

Not only are we being randomly
attacked in the streets,

but also our favorite masks
are sold out.

What the fuck?
That was our thing.

The mask thing was our thing.

We've been on the mask tip
for decades.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Now suddenly the rest of you
had jumped on board,

and now I can't find
my favorite mask brand anywhere.

What's next, sun visors?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We also had to teach
the rest of the world

that China is not
the only country in Asia.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, I get it

if you are mad at the Chinese
government, I totally get it.

The Chinese government
is very fucked up,

and they do
a lot of fucked up things.

But what does that have to do

with the millions of Asians

from all over Asia
who don't live in China?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I'm Korean.

The worst thing we ever did
was the Kia Optima.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And we gave you K-Pop.

Yo, we gave you...

[CROWD CHEERING]

We gave you K-Pop, Parasite,

and Korean barbecue.

So suck our fucking dicks.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I can't believe that we all
get lumped in together.

There are like 50 different
countries in Asia.

You can tell how varied Asia is

by how crazy
the stereotypes are.

They're all over the place.

Asians, we're supposed to be
good at math

and laundry.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And shooting ping pong balls
out of our vaginas?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Come on. Come on.

The same person
can't be good at all three
of those things.

I can't do math.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Or laundry,

[CROWD CLAPPING]

There are Asians
that are, like, Russian.

Because they're from, like,
Kazakhstan or Uzbekistan
or one of the stans.

So they look
completely Asian like me.

But then they open their mouth
and they're like
Ivan Drago from Rocky 4.

Nyet.

I must break you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My fantasy. My fantasy

is for one
of these fucking coward,

racist piece of shit
Asian attackers

to try the fuck
with an Asian Russian.

Whoa!

Whoa!

A world of hurt.

Every bone in their body
is broken.

Their whole family is dead.

Their dog has been poisoned
with plutonium.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If he dies, he dies.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The anti Asian attacks
have gotten so bad.

This is how bad they've gotten.

I started a YouTube channel

in the middle
of the pandemic with my parents.

It's called
Old Korean Dad Stories
and Sometimes Mom,

and I interview them
about their amazing
life experiences.

Because both of my parents
are funny, quirky,
interesting people.

And I hope that if I show
that to the world,

that maybe people
will think twice

about kicking them in the head
randomly in the street.

Are you hearing me?

Attacks have gotten so bad
that I subjected myself

to teaching 75-year-olds
how to download Zoom.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo, you think love
is taking a bullet for someone?

No.

True love is being
tech support to old people.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

That's love. That's love.

So please, for the love of God,

stop attacking old Asian people.

Because if I have to teach
another geriatric how to AirDrop

I'm going to curb stomp myself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My last name is Hong, H-O-N-G.

And I used to sell
these T-shirts at my shows

that said, "Well Hong,"
on them.

Because I want everyone to know
that I have a really big dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I sold out.

I couldn't believe it.
They were not subtle.

They were like bright blue
with big lettering.

"Well Hong."

I sold out of the entire run.

I had one T-shirt left,
so I gave it to

my dad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Mr. Hong.
And Mr. Hong is adorable.

He's like this tall.

He has totally white hair.

He's a 76-year-old
South Korean immigrant,

English is not
his first language,

so he had no idea
what this shit meant.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I give him the shirt.

I'm like Dad. It's just a shirt.

You can wear it
around the house, whatever.

I did not know that this man
was rocking this thing

out and about
in the neighborhood.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Until he shows up at my house

wearing the shirt.

And he's, like, Helen...

Well Hong.

What does it mean?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because I'm wearing the shirt
and people smiling at me

and giving me thumbs up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

High-fiving.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ladies are winking at me.

Sometimes men are winking at me.

Well Hong, what does it mean?

And I'm, like, oh shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Um...

Well, Dad, uh...

It, uh...

Um...

It means
you have a big penis, Dad.

It means you have a big penis.

And then

my tiny, little white-haired
76-year-old Korean father

goes like this.

Ah!

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Well Hong!

So, that's how I found
Dad's packing.

Ew. Gross.

I did not need to know
that Mr. Hong
has a gigantic dong.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My parents sent me
to Catholic school

which was super fun.

Anybody go
to Catholic school?
Make some noise.

Catholic. Wow, feel the energy.
Uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Trying to forget.

You know what's super duper fun
about me
going to Catholic school?

Uh, we're not even Catholic.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If you want to teach your kids
how much God doesn't love them,

send them to Catholic school.

The nuns will let you know.
Oh, God actively hates you.

My parents
are Korean Methodist, which...

The difference between
Korean Methodist
and American Methodist

is like 14% more guilt
and shame.

And like 22% better handbags.

It's true. We have.
We're well accessorized.

I learned so much about
the Catholic religion

by going to Catholic school.
I learned that Catholics

eat the body
and drink the blood of Christ.

-Like...
-[MAN WHOOPING]

You were really excited
about that, sir.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is eating Jesus
your favorite activity?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're, like, yeah, Jesus!

Yummy, yummy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Catholics eat the body

and drink the blood of Christ

like seven to eight times
a week,

which I think
is an excessive amount
of eating and drinking of Jesus.

That is a lot of eating
and drinking of Jesus.

You know doesn't get to eat
or drink Jesus at all?

People who aren't Catholic.

I was 8. They made me stand
in the back of chapel

while all my little friends
got to have
delicious helpings of Jesus.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was super jelly.

I was, like,
I could use a Jesus snack.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I could use
a little nibble-o-Christ.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So you know what I did?
One day, I snuck past the nuns,

I snuck in the line

and I got myself
a little taste-o-Jesus.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And do you know
what I discovered?

Jesus could use
a little flavor. Yeah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Jesus is very dry.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

I'm, like,
do you have any hummus

I could pair with my Jesus?

Or do you have any peanut butter
that I could spread
on this Jesus?

Do you guys have
a cool ranch Jesus back there?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Also, the wine was not wine.

It was Welch's
motherfucking grape juice.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was, like,
what kind of bullshit
are you pulling here, nuns?

I don't remember
anywhere in the Bible,

where Jesus said,
remember me by drinking

Welch's motherfucking
grape juice.

I think we all know

Jesus said, remember me
by getting a little tipsy
and carbo loading.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't trust people
that never drink.

Never drink, really?
Never drink?

You want to feel
all the feelings?

What? That sounds horrible.

No, thank you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was once invited to a
dry wedding.

What the fuck?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What? Why?

What is the point of going
to a wedding,

except to get shitfaced
for free?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's the only reason
why we go to weddings.

I get invited to this wedding,

it turns out,
both sets of parents

are evangelical Christians.

So no booze at this wedding,
and I'm like,

uh...

They don't even pull
that move in the Bible.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Jesus Christ was at a wedding
that ran out of wine,

and he was like,
"This is unacceptable. This..."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[CROWD CLAPPING]

No, no.

We've got to do
something about this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The Virgin Mary sprinted up to
him and was like, "Jesus,

"get your father on the phone."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MOCKINGLY] If he could
knock me up out of nowhere,
he can get some wine

back at this wedding.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This was the first miracle
Jesus Christ ever performed.

Before he walked on water,
before he brought
anybody back from the dead.

Priority number one,
restocking the bar.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

He was like, "Wait, what?

"We're out of wine?"

Oh, shit's about to get
miraculous
up in this bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can you imagine how good
that wine must have been that
Jesus turned from water?

Can we assume that the J-Man
was a dope-ass sommelier?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

The son of God is not turning
water into Franzia.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And how lucky
would you be, to be the couple
whose wedding it was?

[GASPS] Everybody's talking
about your wedding.

"Your wedding, the food,
the wine!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who did your catering?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you're like, [LAUGHING]
"The Messiah."

-[HELEN LAUGHS]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wow. You should see
how far that guy can stretch

two fishes in a
loaf of bread... Wow.
[EXCLAIMING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What a savior!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

I had a lot of personal changes
during the pandemic.

I had a baby.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Thank you.

[APPLAUDING]

Okay, I should be honest.

I didn't...
I didn't physically have a baby,

okay... I didn't, yikes...
No. No.

Ugh...

No. [SCOFFS]

Baby having is not a thing
that I do. No...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This womb is purely decorative.

Okay... I just...

The only eggs getting
action in here

are Cadbury cream.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-Yeah...

I have Plan B in a
Pez dispenser next to my bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's Elmer Fudd.

Elmer Fudd gives me Plan B.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So how did Plan B Pez bitch
end up with a baby?
[LAUGHS]

What had happened was,

my sister/roommate

decided to have
a baby by herself.

Yeah, she is what is called
a single mother by choice.

But because
I live with this bitch...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...that makes me a single mother
by no choice.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No choice.

What a dick move for a roommate,
am I right?

I mean,
I've had shitty roommates.

I've had roommates
leave dishes in the sink,

I've had roommates go through
my underwear drawer.

This is the first time I've had
a roommate have a baby on me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My sister knows
she can take advantage

of the situation,
because I'm her sister.

She knows, I'm not going to be
like "Yo...

"Good luck with that baby.

-"I'm going to dip."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"To my room..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"Which is right there
next to your room, yeah."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My sister fully catfished me.

She was like, "Hey,
you're quarantining alone.

"I'm quarantining alone.

"What do you think about
buying a house together?"

And I was like, "Shit, you're
the one with the good job
and the good credit..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I tell dick jokes for a living.

Can you imagine me
trying to get a mortgage?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The banker would be like,
"So, Ms. Hong,
what are your assets?"

I'd be like,
"I have a really strong jaw."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[APPLAUDING]

My sister's like,
"No problem. I will put my name
on the mortgage,

"we'll still split the
house 50/50. It'll be great."

I'm like, "Great."

We buy the house, we move in.

Boom, the second we move in,

she's like,
"Surprise, I'm pregnant."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This bitch used real estate...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...to get me to be her
baby daddy.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[CROWD CLAPPING]

That is some diabolical shit.

I know, owning a house
is the American dream,

but helping you raise your baby,
that is a high cost.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-That is not fair market value.

Do you know
what I did last night?

I sucked tiny snot
out of a miniature nostril,

using a straw and my mouth!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bitch, you're getting
the utilities.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I'm actually
very proud of my sister,

despite the fact that
she's a catfishing bitch...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She looked around and went,

"You know what?

"I don't want to have a baby
with none of you fuckoes."

And she's cute,
like she had plenty of offers.

She's super cute and she was
like "Nah..."
And that's really ballsy.

That's like going to Ikea

and deciding to buy the world's
most complicated bookshelf,

dresser, wall unit combo.

And they tell you right
out the gate,

this is going to be the
hardest thing you're ever
going to do.

This thing is going to take you
18 years to build

and there's people in there
that are like,
"Hey, we could do this together.

"I could help you
build this thing."

And my sisters like
"No, I just need you

"to hand me
your Allen wrench..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...and then go away."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Because you're
just gonna annoy me,

"and I'd rather
build this thing myself."

The Allen wrench was the jizz.

You guys got that right? Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can see why my sister chose me
over any other dipshit to
help her raise her baby.

There are perks to raising
a baby with your sister.

You already know
how fucked up the in-laws are.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If we ever get divorced,

she knows I don't want custody.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You don't have to
negotiate with anyone
over what to name the baby.

She fully could've been like,
"Yo, I'm naming this baby
Bowling Ball."

And I would have been like,
"That's stupid, but okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Naming the baby was rough.

It was hard to name the baby
because we wanted to pick a name

that our parents
could pronounce.

That is harder
than you might think.

I think that's why every Korean
that you have ever met
all have the same names.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. We're all Steve Kim,

Grace Lee, Helen Hong.

-I personally know five other
Helen Hong's.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I went to vote in L. A. County,
and they were like,

-Phew!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"There are 14 Helen Hongs
in this county.

"Which the fuck one are you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is why I don't have
any of my social handles.

All these other fucking
Helen Hongs have my shit.

And I can't kill all of them.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

I asked my dad, "Why?"
I was like,

"Dad, why is Helen such a
common name amongst
Korean Americans?"

It turns out his
generation of Koreans were
all taught about Helen Keller.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, Helen Keller
was the most
famous American figure

taught in
Korean public schools in 1960.

Which makes so much sense.
Because they love a quiet woman,
don't they?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, real quiet.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So...

Helen's like one
of the only English names
that Korean people know.

And then there's only like
seven Korean last names.

So, boom, we're all Helen.

Half of us are Helen Hong.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's hard to find a name
that works in both cultures.

Like we were bouncing off
baby names with our mom.

I'm like,
"Mom, what do you think
about the name Mary?"

And she's like,
"Oh, Mary? Oh, no..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like "What's wrong
with the name Mary?"
She's like,"Oh, Mary is

"what they call
street dog in Korea."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What?

Yeah, Mary is what they
call a female dog.

Girl dog, they go
"Mary, Mary, Mary."

Boy dog, they go,
"Chong, Chong, Chong"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So... So, Mary is
the Korean word for bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She's like,
"Bitch?
I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, no Mary.

"Uh, what do you think
about the name Josie?

"Josie is a nice name."

She's like, "Georgie?"

"Oh, no...

"Georgie is not good for Korean
pronouncing.

Why? What's wrong with Josie?

She's like, "Um, Georgie
sounds like chaagie."

Chaagieis the
Korean slang for dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cock, weenis.
You guys get it.

I'm like, "Okay, no Josie. Oh,
what about the name Emma?

"Emma is a beautiful name."

She's like, "Oh, no Emma.
Oh, no..."

It turns out, Emma
was the name of the
first softcore porn movie...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...that ever played
in South Korea...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...in 1982.
I am not making this up.

You can Google this shit.

The movie
was called Madame Emma.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It was the Deep Throat
of South Korea.

I'm like,
"That is hilarious, Mom.
Did you see the movie?"

She's like, "Oh, no..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, no, so dirty, so dirty.
I no watching, nobody I know
watching."

Guys, I googled the shit.
Emma was the number
one grossing movie...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...in all of South Korea
in 1982.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So because of this movie,
my mom forever
associates the name Emma

with just flagrant dick sucking.
Just wild.

Just wild Korean fucking.
And I'm "Great, no Emma."

Emma is such a wholesome name.

It's a Jane Austen novel,
that they've turned into movies.

Can you imagine how many
disappointed Korean men

went to go see the
Jane Austen Emma?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They got their dicks out,
they're like, "I'm ready."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then they're like,
"What's with all these
bitches in bonnets?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"When are these hoes
taking their clothes off?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't believe
I am raising a kid.

I am so not a children person.

Like, I literally never gave
a shit about kids.

I didn't want to hold your kid.
I didn't want to see
pictures of your kids.

Like, I did not give a
fuck about kids.

I used to do a joke in my act
about Amber Alerts.

You guys get Amber Alerts?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We all know them, right?

First of all, did you guys
know that your phone
could make a noise

that aggressive?

[SHRIEKING]

Holy shit, it sounds like
velociraptors giving birth.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SHRIEKING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The first time it happened,
I thought the aliens had landed.

[SHRIEKING] I was like,
"They found us."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Even now, I know what it is.
But it's so scary.
[SHRIEKING]

Like, " Did I steal the kid?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is there a kid back here?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I did not give
a shit about kids.

So I always thought
they should make an
Amber Alert for people like me

that's just way more mellow.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like they should make
an Amber Alert that's just,
"Aww..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nee-ner...

Wow, look, a kid went missing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sucks, but...

I'm not going
to do shit about it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You want me to go chasing
this Nissan Sentra?

I don't think so.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Living with a baby
is like getting PTSD
in slow motion.

I constantly
smell phantom shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I constantly hear crying.

Sometimes it's the baby.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't stand still anymore.

I stand still and
I'm automatically like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Twinkle, twinkle

And babies
are fucking manipulative.

Oh, babies are not helpless.

Oh, no.

Our baby will cry

and it'll start off like
normal crying. Like "Wah, wah.

"I'm hungry, wah wah."

But if two minutes go by,
and we haven't picked up
the baby,

oh, the crying ramps up.

Then it's like, "Waa waa,
I'm hungry, bitches. Get your
asses in gear! Waa waa!"

And then if another two minutes
go by and we still haven't
picked up the baby,

oh shit, this baby
ramps it up to defcon one.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The crying becomes
like not only so loud,

but also just
devastatingly heartbreaking.

The crying becomes like...

Have you seen
the first 10 minutes of Up?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This baby is 3 weeks old.

I'm pretty sure the baby
has never seen a Pixar movie.

But somehow the baby's like...
[WAILING] "Oh, my God..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"I can't believe
his wife died..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES WAILING]

"They never got to
take their trip."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[HELEN WAILING]

Spoiler alert for Up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sorry. The spoiler alert
came after. Yeah, Okay.

My sister and I don't
know shit about babies,

which means we get to play
this really fun game
every day called

"Oh, my God! Is the baby dead?"

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-Every day, every day.

We just stare it at sleeping,

we're like, "Did we kill it?"

We needed help.

Which caused us to do
the most insane thing

that two Korean sisters
raising a baby can do.

Which is that we actually
told our parents about the baby.

And we were very on the fence.
We had a whole plan.

We were like, "We're going
to pretend like
we got into a huge fight.

"We could never be in the
same room at the same time.

"You get the baby at Christmas,
I'll take the baby at Easter."

Like we had this whole plan.

And it was... You know
what makes it more complicated

telling our parents is that,
my sister got pregnant via
anonymous sperm donor,

using a turkey baster.

Like, imagine explaining
that shit to white parents.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And now imagine
explaining it to Korean parents.
Are you kidding?

Their heads would
fucking explode!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We don't know how to say

sperm donor or
turkey baster in Korean.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-They never taught that shit
in Korean language school.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

None of this
is a thing in Korean culture.

So we had to practice
telling our parents.

We, like, ran like
CIA interrogation drills.

But instead of waterboarding,
it was just my mom
beating her chest like...

[WAILING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We really... We were like...
We were rehearsing, hardcore.

We were like running.
Like my sister would
be like, "Okay, okay.

"Phew! Okay...

"Hey, Mom and Dad,

"remember that one
Thanksgiving, we had
that really juicy turkey?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is an extremely
conflicted time
for our parents

because they
finally get a grandchild.

But they're like,
"Why are you both so weird?

"Why can't you guys
do anything normal?
Seriously..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This one's a standup comic,
this one's turkey basting
herself.

"Oh, my God."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My parents
had to switch churches.

-Yeah. They go to
white church now.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This shit was not going
to fly at Korean church.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can you imagine? Korean church.
I don't know if you guys
are familiar with Korean church.

But Korean church is like
America's Got Talent.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And everyone is Simon Cowell...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But way less encouraging.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There was no way
my parents were gonna just
roll up to Korean church

and announce that they
suddenly had a grandchild.

All their church members
would be like,
"Wait, wait, wait.

"When was the wedding?"

My parents would be like...

-"Have you ever had
a really juicy turkey?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

I live in South Central L.A,

because I'm a hard, hard bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And also it was the
only place that we could
afford to buy a house.

[CHUCKLES]

I live five blocks away
from the
Boyz n the Hoodhouse.

You know, the house
where Laurence Fishburne

twirled the balls
and contemplated
how hot he is.

I learned this
because I was googling
my own house

and the Boyz n the Hood
house popped up

as a historic landmark on
Google Maps.

So if any of you want to

reenact a drive by from
Boyz n the Hood,

come over to my place,
we'll pile into my Prius.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll play Doughboy,

one of you can be Tre.

We'll have to find
a hot, grown ass man to play
Laurence Fishburne.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We're raising this baby
in South Central.

So when I say,
"Oh, I got to go back
to my crib," I mean, literally.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We actually feel very safe
in our neighborhood

because we are
kind of famous in our hood.

We're like the
only Asian people in a
five mile radius of my house.

And we confuse the hell
out of all of our neighbors.

They're like,
"Oh no, they got a kid,
but there ain't no man.

"They got a
chill ass dog, though."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"They could be lesbians,
but they look like one another."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't know what's going on."

We have an extremely nosy
next door neighbor.

Hey, if you're
concerned about security,

get yourself an older
black woman neighbor.

Ooh, nothing gets past her.

She will call us

and tell us that we have a
FedEx package on our porch

that's been there for
three and a half minutes.

She'll call us to tell us
to put more garlic in the soup
that we're making...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...because it smells
weak as shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She will call us to tell us
there's a Korean man in a
Well Hong T-shirt...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

...and he does
indeed look like he's packing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I feel like this baby is
going to be a major
cock block for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like my dating life
was a shit show before the baby.

[LAUGHING]

I'm on all the apps,
all the apps...

I'm on Black People Meet.
I'm on Grub Hub...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just deliver the dick.

Just deliver the dick,
to my face,
with a side of fries.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I hope that we learned
from the pandemic
that we should try to be nicer

to each other, right?

Because there's
so much negativity in the world.

Even before the pandemic,
there was so much negativity
in the world

and it was bringing out
the worst in people.

Just before lock down happened,
I experienced
one of the most petty

things I have ever experienced
in my entire life.

I was in public and
I got into a poop off.

I'm going to explain it.

I know you've all been there.

A poop off is when
you're out in public

and suddenly
you've got to take a shit.

So you go to the public restroom
and it's empty and you're like,

"Yes, I'm going to take
the biggest dump in here."

You go into your stall,
you take off your pants,

you settle in,
you're about to do
your business

and then you hear
some other bitch walk in.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now you're in a holding pattern.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You hear her go into her stall,
she takes off her pants,
she settles in

and then everything goes silent.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is when you know
you're officially in
a poop off...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...because ain't nobody
in here need to pee.

Everybody got to shit...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...and we can't co-shit
with strangers.

Right? We're not
animals or wildebeests

or men. I know you guys can.

You guys have no problem
just shitting.

You guys could be
ten in a stall.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit.

You guys are having
shit Olympics in there.

You don't give a fuck.

No, ladies,
we're a little
bit more genteel.

We know the rules.

One lady gets to shit now,
the other bitch has to
go away and shit later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And whoever sits there
silently longer wins
the poop off.

We all know this.

So I won. I won the poop off.

I sat there gritting my teeth,
holding my sphincter...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...for five minutes.

I was like, "Argh..."

Finally, I hear this woman go...
[GROANS]

She gets up, she puts on
her pants, she kicks
open the door of the stall,

she washes her hands
and then on her way out,

she does the
most petty thing I have ever
experienced in my life.

She turns the light off!

-[SCREAMING] What!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Boom!

Boom!

Boom!

What kinda
diabolical shit is this!

What kinda psycho
comic book villain are you?

What kind of crazy
Hannibal Lecter fucked up
human are you?

Now I got to shit in the dark!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm fumbling for
the toilet roll.

I'm hoping the wipe is good.

As I'm making my way
for the door, I'm like,
"Oh, lady,

"I may have won the poop off,
but you won the war."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I travel all over the
country and all over the world
to do stand-up comedy.

I have done stand-up comedy
in so many different situations.

I was once invited to do
stand-up comedy
at a couples resort.

You know, they have these things
like they're in the Poconos.

They're just huge hotel resorts.

Just made for couples to like,
have sex and ride horses.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

For some reason,
there's always horses.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they try to make it
romantic for couples.

So everything's covered in
rose petals and everything's
heart shaped.

Let me tell you something,
everything that
makes a couples resort

romantic for couples

is depressing
when you're there by yourself.

I walked into my hotel room.

My room had no windows.

Just mirrors.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every wall was a mirror.

Which I guess is great
if you're getting it on.

Not so much if you're eating
Cheetos alone in bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Oh, my God."
[CHOMPING] "This is terrible."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[CHOMPING]

I need to do some sit ups.
[CHOMPING]

Am I going gray?

-[CHOMPING]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was on the fence about
taping this special tonight,

because they called me
three weeks ago
and they were like, "Hey,

"we want to tape
your comedy special."

And I...
You know, it's a dream.

As a stand-up comedian,
it's your dream to get offered
a big comedy special.

You're like, "Get the special.

"I'm going to compile
all my best jokes.

"I'm going to work on it
and practice and practice.

"I'm going to buy a new outfit.
I'm going to lose ten pounds."

No. They called me
three weeks ago,
I was like,

"Oh..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Sure, it's not like
I've been in the fetal position
for a year and a half."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let me wipe the
potato chip dust
off of my face..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"Put on four
pairs of Spanx..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...and see what comes
out of my mouth. Let's do it."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-[APPLAUDING]

Thank you so much.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[APPLAUDING]

Thank you so much
for being part of this.

This was amazing.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-[CROWD CHEERING]

Thank you!

-[APPLAUDING CONTINUES]
-[CHEERING CONTINUES]