All language subtitles for The.Onion.Movie.2008.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[dramatic music plays *]

You can always count on
"The Onion" to get the story.

It's America's Finest
News Source.

[**]

[announcer] And now,
"The Onion News:
America's Finest News Source,"

featuring Dana Dobbs,

Senior Correspondent,
Kip Kendall,

and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.

We begin today
with news from Detroit.

Where auto making giant,
American Automotive announced
a safety recall

of all 2,004 cars
containing neck belts.

The neck belts
introduced last month

in an attempt to reduce
head injuries,

have been found to cause
crushed tracheas,

severe spinal damage,
and violent decapitation.

[little girl]
Daddy, come!
Hi, dad!

[dramatic news jingle]

Today, the U.S. military
announced an innovative new plan
to draw new recruits.

You sign up, right now.

You get one pair
of Ozzfest tickets

and a set of mud flaps
for your truck.

Then, after six months
of active duty,

you are eligible to receive
an ounce of weed.

Sweet!

[recruiter]
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.

You're fucking lying,
I get some more--

[recruiter]
And if you serve a tour duty
during a foreign conflict,

you will receive
upon your discharge this:

a hot bitch poster.

[hippie grunts in excitement]
Sign me up!

[news jingle plays *]

The internet went down
for three hours this morning,

plunging the nation
into productivity.

The outage which caused
major work startages
from New York to California,

prevented an estimated
120 million American employees

from messing around
on the Web at work.

[announcer]
More "Onion" news after this.

[film narrator]
In a world without justice,

where the strong prey
on the weak,

[Asian music plays *]

one man must face
the ultimate challenge.

Master, how did they defeat me?

They used an ancient technique
that strikes at the very core
of a warriors' strength.

This attack,
there is no defense.

Master, will you teach me?

You are not yet ready, my son.

I'm ready, Master.

[Master]
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.

[dramatic music plays *]

You, my young pupil,
shall become a cockpuncher.

[film narrator] From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".

[**]

[faint]
No!

[gunshots]

[faint screaming]

[cracking]

[**]

[film narrator]
"Cockpuncher."

I don't think
you have the balls.

[film narrator] From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

That looks awesome!

Sure it does, kids.

A real whack in the nutsack.

[husband]
Honey?

Have you seen
my good, black socks?

[little girl]
Mommy, look!

[husband] Honey?

[news jingle]
If you've seen news happening,

call "The Onion News" Hotline.

[husband] Honey?

I cannot find
my good, black socks!

Hello?
"Onion News?"

[siren wails]
[shouting in background]

We are here live,
with a breaking news story.

Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.

Mr. McCormick,
will you please tell us exactly
what happened this morning?

Sure, um, I got up
this normal morning.

Kids are downstairs.

And uh,
my wife's cooking breakfast.

And all of sudden, you know,
I notice that my good,
black socks are missing.

Here's your boy, ma'am.
Safe and sound.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Sweetie, look!

"The Onion" news van!

Yeah...

[news jingle plays *]

In other news,
a local eight-year-old

accidentally exercised
his second amendment rights
yesterday,

when he blew off his head
with his father's
semi-automatic rifle.

The fatal incident
is being hailed
by gun rights activists

as a victory for America
and the Constitution.

[quiet chatter]

[ominous music plays *]
Nobody move!

[woman screams]
Unless you want
your head blown off.

You!

Please, please don't shoot me.

I'll give you
however much you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?

You think that's what
this is about?

A big gang black man
comes walking in,
waving a gun,

and you assume
he's robbing the place?

[armed gunman]
I ain't looking
for no goddamned handout.

I'm looking for
a motherfucking job, bitch.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

A mothafucking job!

[armed gunman]
Don't you see?

You give me money,
that'll just help me
in the short-term.

But a job!

That'll help me develop
valuable job skills
and experience.

It's like teaching a man
how to fish.

[cocks gun]
So quick stalling,
get your bitch ass back there,

and give me
a 40 hour a week position,

with vacation pay and benefits,
you piece of shit, mothafucker,

and don't make me ask twice.

Back that ass up.

[armed gunman]
Lets go, lets go!

Can I help the next
mothafucking person in line?

You in that apricot ah,
sweater suit.

Get your bitch ass
on over here, now!

How can I help you today?

Um, I'd like to deposit
this check, please,
into my savings account

and then I need to withdraw--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just-just-just shut the fuck up
for a minute.

The fuck you doing, Liz Anne?

You calling the cops?

No.

That's a goddamned cop?

No, I swear.
I was just on
with an account holder,

[Liz Anne]
I was advising him about--

[Armed Gunman]
I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

[Liz Anne grunts]

Who the fuck is this, you a cop?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, what I would recommend
is that you keep at least 500
in your checking,

just to avoid
a minimum balance fee,

and put the rest
in a money market,

which will earn you
an additional ah,
two percent interest.

Three percent, if you keep
your account open for 3,000.

Right.

You have a nice day, sir.

My pleasure.

And feel free
to call us back anytime,

if you have ah,
any other questions.

[Liz Anne sighs]

Uh.

Liz Anne, uh.

Sorry.

My-my bad.

That's okay.

A honest mistake.

Armed Gunman.

I've been watching you
and I-I must say, I'm impressed.

How'd you like to be our new
Customer Services Supervisor?

[Armed Gunman gasps]
Mr. P.!

It'd be my mothafucking honor.

[cheesy sitcom music plays *]

Happy birthday!

It's your special day!

[**]

Okay, we're gonna get you
an annuity for 12 years
on that one.

I'll get you, I'll get you
eight percent on that one.

[ominous music plays *]
Everybody down now!

[Armed Gunman #2]
Get the fuck down!
Everybody!

Give me all your money.

Hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!

What'd you doing?
Playing back there?

Hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

Hurry up, bitch.

Put the money in the bag.
All of it!

Load up the bag up with money
and nobody else fucking moves.

You hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

Load the bag up.
Load the bag--

[Armed Gunman #2 shouts]

[people scream]

[silence]

You sicken me.

Asking for a handout.

Instead of raising yourself up
out of your situation
through hard work.

Why don't you get a job,
like the rest of us?

[news jingle plays *]

According to statistics,
87% of U.S. citizens are obese.

And the Surgeon General
is taking steps
to address the problem.

As a result
of the rampant spread
of obesity in the U.S.,

the government
has been forced to raise

the definition of obesity
from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces
the number of obese Americans
from 200 million to 185 million

was widely applauded
from coast to coast.

It's high time
the government stepped in

and did something
about this problem.

I don't wanna be obese.

Man, this shit is all fucked up.

In other news,
Georgia officials
announced plans

to add a swastika
and middle finger

to the Georgia state flag.

[news jingle *]

In technology news,
television watching
has become even more convenient

with Sony's introduction
of a new remote control,
remote control.

Damn!
I'm gonna get me one of them,
mothafuckers.

In what is being called
the end of an era,

the nation's
last English restaurant
closed today.

Joe's Dinner,
an unusual Atlantic-area eatery

was not based around
any sports, music,
or movie-based theme--

Have you spoken to Norm
about the changes?
- Not yet.

He's not gonna be happy.

I know but he's got no choice.

[ominous music plays *]

Whatever
the new parent company says,
goes.

Hey.

Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation.

Selling millions of records
to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer
sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

[pop music plays *]
Her new album, "Come with Me",

has gone quadruple platinum
and made her a household name.

* Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat *

* And when you hold my hand
oh, I can hardly speak *

* Oh, yeah,
I'm down on my knees...

But some concerned parents
think Melissa Cherry's image
in music are too sexy,

setting an inappropriate example
for their children.

So, what do you say to all
the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip.

I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl.

And having fun.

But clearly the song
"Down on My Knees", Melissa,
is about fellatio, isn't it?

Ew!

It's about how like,

when you have
a big crush on a boy,

sometimes
you get down on your knees
and like, beg for their love.

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Down on my Knees"]

* Don't tell much stuff
I need to show...

What about your first big hit?
"Take Me from Behind"?

"Take Me from Behind"
isn't sexual at all.

It's about love's
sneaking up on you,
you know?

Like from the behind?

You know,
it could be a boyfriend's love
sneaking up on you?

Or a friend's?

Or even Jesus Christ's.

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Take Me from Behind"]

* Take me from behind

[singing non-lexical vocables]
* Oh, yeah

[singing non-lexical vocables]
* Oh, yeah

[singing non-lexical vocables]

* Mmm, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, when you love me
[singing non-lexical vocables]

* You know that I don't mind
* You know

* What I really want
is for you *

* to take me from behind,
Yeah..

Let's talk about the song,
"Lollipop Love".

"Lollipop Love"
is a kind of love
that is just really sweet

and you just kind wanna like,
lick it, you know?

And suck it.

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Lollipop Love"]

* Lollipop

* Hey, yeah

* Lollipop

* Love lolli-la!

* Love lolli-la!
Hey, baby *

* Lolli-lolli-lolli-lolli
pop, pop, oh *

* Lollipop Love

Like a lollipop!
["Lollipop Love" fades out]

What about the song
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me?"

That's about, how like,
when you're in love,

you just want to be
covered in it.

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"]

* Oh, drown me in a milky sea

* Love all over me

Clearly, the video
seems to be tell
a different story.

What kind is that?

The kind with ah, cum shot.

[Melissa]
I'm a virgin!

How would I know
what a facial is?

Sometimes,
I like dressing up sexy
in my videos

but that's just my way
of celebrating being a woman.

You know,
people are always gonna try
to tear you down,

but that's their problem,
not mine.

Because I know
who Melissa Cherry is.

She's just a good,
old-fashioned country girl
from Monroe, Tennessee.

[news jingle plays *]

The Pope condemned
three more glands today,

bringing the total number of
sinful hormones secretion ducts
on the human body to 11.

[swoosh]

In international news,
[squeaking]

relations between Sloravia
and Azmenistan
continued to deteriorate

when Asmenistany rebels seized--

[penguin playing fanfare *]

[squeaking]

[co-worker]
Hey, Norm.

[suspenseful music plays *]

[coworker #2]
Hey, Norm!
Okay.

[coworker #3]
Oh, there goes Norm again.

[coworker #4]
Probably pissed.

[**]

[intense music plays *]

[multiple phones ring]

Oh, hey, Norm.
What's up?

Hey, Norman.

What the hell was that?

We'd ah, been meaning to talk
to you about that, um.

It's Globby.
[squeak]

It's the Global Tetrahedron
penguin.

The folks at Global Tetrahedron
thought he'd be, you know,
fun, unobtrusive way

to plug the company
during the news.

Plus you gotta admit,
he's pretty fucking cute.

[squeak]
[in a high-pitched voice]
Hi, Norm!

Who's the best anchorman
in the whole world?

You are.

Come on, Norman.

You gotta get with the times,
mate.

This kind of tie-ins
are commonplace this days.

[in a high-pitched voice]
It's called synergy, Norm.

We cannot have a shameless ad
for our parent company
running during the newscast.

[squeak]
It's a blatant compromise

of our journalistic ethics
and integrity.

Sorry, it's just that, um.

You know,
what-what you're saying--

It's just a steaming pot
of shit, mate.

Norm, listen.

What he's trying to say
is it's ah, uh--

It's...
[**]

[infomercial announcer]
...hilarious!

It's off-the-wall!

It's rude, crude
and uncensored.

It's the very best
of "Bud Schwartz's
Celebrity Roast."

Rawley Ingersoll
should get cancer and die!

[percussion sting]
[laughter]

[infomercial announcer]
All the top names
in the business

turn out to give each other
the business.

Jack Morton,
you're a fucking asshole.

[percussion sting]
[laughter]

You'll get all the zingers.

Fuck you!

All the comebacks.

Suck my dick!
[boing]

[whistling]

[infomercial announcer]
For just $99.99,
you'll get the full length video

of the best of
"Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast"
delivered straight to your door.

But wait!

If you order by credit card
in the next 15 minutes,

we'll thrown in a second video
where the stars turn the tables
and roast Bud himself.

You know what I think you are?

A fucking piece of shit!

[percussion sting]
[laughter]

New tapes will arrive
every other month.

Keep only those you like

and return the rest
for a full refund!
[bell dings]

Order today!

I fucked his wife!

In the ass!

[whistling]

Oh!

[jazz music ends]

[infomercial announcer]
More "Onion News" after this.

[dramatic music plays *]

[film narrator] From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".

[hard rock music plays *]

Awesome!

[gunshots in background]

Decadent, immoral, Western film!

[**]

Oh!

[gunshots]

[faint screaming]

Awesome!

[**]

Decadent, immoral, Western film!

[film narrator]
"Cockpuncher."

[television static]

[zing]
[Middle Eastern music plays *]

[whoosh]

[narrator] Welcome to
the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team,

this training video
will teach you:

what angry slogans to scream,

[screams in foreign language]

[narrator] how to blend-in
to a typical American city,

[laughs]
Yeah.

[training video narrator]
and so much more.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be
more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality
is important.

He made sure
to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.

[shouting in foreign language]

[ding]

Ahman leaves everything
to the last minute.

[Ahman]
Oh, shit!

[buzzer]

[training video narrator]
Ahmed double-checks
the address of the bombing site,

so they are no mistakes.
[bing]

Ahman doesn't.

[Ahman]
Oh, shit!

[buzzer]

[training video narrator]
Ahmed dresses properly for work,

wearing clothing [bing]
that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.

Ahman dresses inappropriately.
[buzzer]

Oh!

[training video narrator]
And don't forget,
as a martyr,

you'll receive the eternal life
in paradise for you
and 100 of your relatives.

You'll be blessed
with unlimited sex
from 72 virgins.

Awesome!

[fairytale dust sound]
$35 U.S. dollars
and a bunch more weed.

Awesome!

[narrator] So welcome to
the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.

Where work is truly a blast.
[bong]

[bing]

[Middle Eastern music plays *]

[error buzz]

Oh, shit.

[beep]
[beep]

[shouting in foreign language]

[buzzer goes off]

Oh, shit!

You gonna call Sarah?
- Yeah.

Hey, you guys!

Hey.
- How's it going?

What took you so long?

I was playing "Suicide Bomber".

Have you heard from Tim tonight?
- No.
- Mm-hmm.

Nah?
That's weird.

He's gonna call Sarah.

Oh!

[hip hop music plays *]
[Tommy] Yeah, yeah!

What's up players?

Lakeshore blood represent!

Yeah!

Show some love, fool.

Hey, Timmy.

Damn!

Little J?

You are looking mad fly, boo.

You feel me?

Sure, Tim.

I just bounced
from this mad, crazy,
ill party, dude.

I was hanging out
with this niggas
over at Pleasant Oaks and shit.

You were hanging out
with the real black people?

No, but there was blasting
some crazy, fat beats, son.

There was pouring out
some Cristal,

breaking off some indo smoke.

You know what I'm saying?

Just wilding out.

Yeah.

Yo, I'm gonna score me
a bag of Doritos,
you all straight?

Yeah?
All right.

[woman on police radio]
Code two, code two,
intersection of 12th and Grand.

[policeman]
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.

[man on police radio]
Uh, this is unit one.

Hit it.

[woman on police radio]
All possible units,
please respond.

[man on police radio]
Uh, you know, one William Fort
professing a, ah--

[police car accelerates]

And this booty that was like,
this is for that--

[police siren]

[woman chatting on police radio]

Dude, what the fuck is this?

[man chatting on police radio]

[Little J]
What's going on, officers?

The arm store down the road
was just held up

by a young, black male
fitting your friend's
description.

What the--?

What are you,
what are you talking about?

It-it wasn't me.

No?
Not you?
- No.

Hey Frank, you see
any other young, black males
here in Lakeshore Bluff?

Don't see any.

What?

In the car, darkie.

[Timothy]
But I'm-I'm not black.

I'm white.

My whole family's white.

My dad's Irish
and my mom's Norwegian.

We go to the Fourth Avenue
Lutheran Church.

Where I-I-I help
with the bake sale
every Sunday.

Settle down back there,
chocolate.

Stand right over here.

Don't worry about anything.

Nobody can see you.

Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetuator for me.

Him.

Okay, now for legal purposes,
just tell me exactly
who you're pointing to.

That...

... Negro.

Okay, thanks.
You can go.

[whispering]
This is Dana Dobbs here
at Lakeshore Bluff,

where any second now,

we'll hear the verdict
in the Timothy Shanaham case.

[judge]
Will the defendant please rise?

[drumroll]

Ladies and gentlemen,
have you reached the verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We, the jury,
find the Negro...

Guilty.
[crowd gasps]

[whispering]
There you have it.

The Negro is guilty.

It's not right.

[news jingle plays *]

[classical music plays *]
[film projector spinning]

Welcome to "Focus on Film"
with Kenneth Garber.

[Kenneth Garber]
Hello.

We are now a good way
through the film.

So, we thought
it would be a good time
to get some perspective on it

and joining us
to provide just that

are Nicholas Van Essen
and Raymond Marcus.

Offer us, if you will,
your take on how the film
is doing thus far.

Well, I'll have to say Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.

Sketch after sketch,
we're being treated to a...

brilliantly biting skewering
of contemporary social lores.

I mean,
this is poignant social satire

in the grand tradition
of-of Jonathan Swift
and Mark Twain.

Humph.

Well, Raymond what do you think?

I'm sorry.

I must strenuously disagree.
- Ah.

This is nothing but vulgar,
low-brow, potty humor
thinly disguised as satire.

It saddens me that "The Onion"

has stooped to this lowest,
common denominator,

pandering to the masses.
- Humph.

Well, now for a third opinion,
lets go straight to the source.

We have with us here
in the studio,
a very special guest.

Welcome, The Masses.

So, what do you think
of the film?

It's pretty cool so far,
I guess.

That "Cockpuncher" dude
is awesome.

Bam!
Right in the balls.

Oh, and Melissa Cherry.

She's fucking hot, right?

They need to do
more cool shit like that.

But this part,
with this film expert assholes,
boring!

I mean, why do you even have
this two gaywads
in the movie for, anyways?

Fags!

Loser 'em.

Let's get on with the movie,
dude.

[chanting]
Party!

Woo!

Yeah!

Fuck yeah, you fucking faggots!

Yeah.

Food for thought.

Well.

Back to the film.

[cruise music plays *]
Gentlemen,

experience the majestic splendor
of a cruise aboard
the luxurious Queen Nathan II.

On the Queen Nathan,
there's so much

for today's gay men
to enjoy.

Shuffleboard.

Exquisite cuisine.

Monster cocks.

Grab a pole
and go deep sea fishing.

Work those muscles
in our shipboard gym.

Enjoy our world class spa,

or take a thrilling
Las Vegas-style review.

Yes, whether you want
to scuba dive, get blown,

or play blackjack
in our glamorous casino,

the Queen Nathan II
is what you're looking for.

So climb aboard
the Queen Nathan II.

That-that-that is not right.
That's not right.

[TV narrator]
And now is time for

"Little Known
Racial Stereotypes."

Yes, everyone knows
that Italians
are all monsters.

And Native Americans
are all drunks.

But did you know
that blacks love taffy?

It's also true
that Eskimos run
all the locksmith shops.

The Irish have enormous nipples,

and Puerto Ricans
can dangle from steel beams
for hours at a time.

[construction worker]
Damn, that's unbelievable.

How does he doe that?

Uh, he's a Puerto Rican.

Also, did you know that
the Dutch enjoy speaking
with telemarketers?

It's a special
credit card offer?

Peruvians love to swoop in
and save the day
at the last minute.

And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.

And of course,
all Arabs are terrorists.

Ah, stereotypes.

Can you imagine
a world without them?

According to
a new U.N. factoid
finding mission,

the African mission of Liberia,
is about the size of Tennessee.

The mission also found
that Liberia is home
to 200 species of birds,

including the bee warbler.

A bird only slightly larger
than a bee.

[**]

[doorbell rings]

[woman]
Okay!

That must be our final player.

Hi, Julie!

Hi.

Welcome!

You house is so lovely.

Oh, thank you!
Come on in.

Everybody, this is Julie.
Pretty cute, huh?

Have a seat.

So I understand
this is your first
who-done-it party?

Ah!
You are going to have
so much fun!

Okay.

With any luck,
by the end of the night,

we'll figure out
which one of us
did the dirty deed.

Anyone of us
could be the rapist!

I'm sorry, did you say "rapist?"

Yeah, yeah I did.

Don't this things
usually revolve around um,
um, murder?

Yeah, Julie, see,
we do this every few months

and frankly we were getting...
a little bored with murder

so I was like
"I don't know,

isn't there some
other violent crime
we can re-enact?"

And I'm in the store
the other day,
and I find this.

How fantastic is that?

So anyway Julie,
since you are new,
lucky Julie,

you get to be
[sings] the victim.

Okay?

[quiet clapping and cheering]

So once you put this on.

Hop up.

Okay,
so here's what's gonna happen.

The lights are gonna go out,
so you lie down on the floor

we're all gonna come running in
but you're gonna be unconscious.

So you stay down there.

Don't you think
this is a little... sick?

Oh, sweetie!
It's all in fun.

No one's actually
raping you one.

[laughter]

[laughs]
I mean,

You wouldn't have a problem
with a murderistic game,
now would ya?

No, I guess not.

Yeah, so why would you object
to a game revolving around
a lesser crime

where no one even loses
their life?

Wait, it's just a--

Oh, it's just a jest!

Come on, guys.

Let's play the game.

Get your cards, okay.

[clears throat]

Is it in?

You got that on, sweetie?

Okay, get down the floor,
get down the floor.

Ready for a raping?

[laughs nervously]

[harp scale plays *]

[door slams open]

[female voice]
Oh, no!

Please don't rape me!
[zipper opens]

[male voice]
Come on, you bitch!

[female voice]
No, no, please, Mr. Raperman.

[male voice]
Oh, fuck off!

[female voice screams]
[clothing rips]

[female voice]
No, no!
Oh, no, what are you doing?

[male voice]
Shut up!

[female voice]
No!
No!

[slap]
[male voice]
Do not--

[female voice shouting]

[male voice]
Shut up!
[slaps]

[female voice screams]
[bones crack]

[mysterious music plays *]

What?
- Wow.

Oh, oh.

What happened here?

Um, oh, no.
Um, hang on.

Uh, oh, no!

The sweet, innocent,
young daughter of mayor Louis
has been raped.

Lock the door!

No one is leaving
until we figure out who did it.

That's excellent.
- Thanks, man.

[clears throat loudly]

Uh, do not forget that
you are a suspect, too,
Officer Wilson.

Um.
- That's right.

Um... who committed this rape?

Humph?

Was it... the creepy uncle?

The handsome, young,
Ivy league, fraternity brother

who's used to getting what
and who he wants?

Um, the prisoner,
just released on parole?

That's me.
- You look nice.
- Thank you.

Or, the vaguely
hermaphroditic night nurse

from the senior center
just down the block.

[hostess]
Uh!

It's so creepy!

[squeals]
Okay!
Come on.

Let's play, let's play.

[hostess]
Okay.

Who's got an alibi card?
- Uh!
- Anyone?

I've got one.

Oh, okay.

I was with my wife,

besides, that bitch
has been making up stories
since she was four!

You can't believe
anything she says!

I don't doubt it!

I have 22 fraternity brothers
who will vouch that
I was with them.

[fake evil laugh]

Oh, I bet you do!

Okay, time to spin!

Whoa.
Julie.

Uh?
What?

I know this is your first time,

but you're not acting
very raped.

Okay.

Oh, no, no, Julie.
You can't stand up,
you just been raped!

Uh, yeah, the rapist
has shattered your pelvis
with a baseball bat.

Um, I'm leaving.

Wha--?
What?

Where are you going?

Shouldn't--
Come--

Julie!
What?

Now, what?

I guess you guys
are just gonna have to rape me.

[guests laugh]
Not me.

["How to Host a Rape" recording
plays in background *]

Taffy.

God-fucking blacks!
Uh!

[news jingle *]

The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today,

when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking
within U.S. borders,

to a single room in Iowa.

Traffic was backed-up
from Nevada all the way to Iowa,

as smokers tried
to get to the lounge.
[cars honking]

Move the car,
you old, fucking bitch!

Smokers from across the country
are making the long journey

to the ten by ten
smokers' lounge
in Des Moines, Iowa.

I drove all the way
from San Francisco

just to sneak a smoke-in
on my lunch break.

I'm supposed to be back at work
in ten minutes.

It's 37 hour drive.

It's fucking bullshit.

In legal news,

a judge has declared
local aerobics instructor

and accused murderer,
Jennifer Porter,

"too fit to stand trial."

Judge Edwards Collin,
said that the suspect,

with her washboard abs
and powerful leg muscles

is of "too-sound body"
to be tried for the killing
of her ex-lover.

[man on TV]
We're the new guys in town.

We're Peen-out.
America's penis
recovery professionals.

Local sculptor,
Thomas Miller,

is under fire
by feminist leaders
for turning women into objects.

The sculpture,
who has been called

a sexist, objectifying pig,
by women's rights activists,

has reported to turn
more than 80 women

into silent, passive,
marble sculptures.

[ominous music plays *]

According to a report
in this month's issue of the Des
Moines' Journal of Medicine--

[paper rustling]

[music raises in volume *]

[squeaks]

[**]

[music ends abruptly]
[heavy breathing]

[Norman Archer]
According to
a new medical study,

depression hits losers hardest.

The study found that extreme,
debilitating depression,

most commonly afflicts
those who are total screw-ups.

Who can't do anything right.

[news jingle *]

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Down On My Knees"]

* Are you ready ?

* Baby when we kiss
My heart just skips a beat *

* And when you hold my hand,
Oh, I can hardly speak *

* But there's one kind of loving
that you can't do face to face *

* Let me give you some affection
just below your waist *

* Oh, yeah
[hippie] I like that.

* I'm down by my knees for you

* I'm begging this please,
for you *

* Got so much love
I need to show it *

* It's a big job,
Don't want to blow it *

* Oh, yeah

* Oh, yeah

* Oh

* Baby

* Down on my knees,
begging please, please *

[film narrator] From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Stephen Seagal is--

Hey!
- Welcome to Vault Village.

My name is Derrick.

What can I help you find today?

Hey Derrick!

Um, my computer
is a few years old

and I thought
I'm ready for a new one.

I got just the thing.

The Bates 4,000.

Absolute cutting edge.

This babies came in on Tuesday.

They're packed, man.

80 G's of RAM

We're talking
a quad port 900 processor,

D.B.K. compatible memory card,
dual-burning DVD drives,

plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo drive

with a plus four
digital upgrade card.

This will knock
the shit out of your ass.

Well, I'm just looking
for your basic, simple,
home computer.

I know, your wife
has you by the purse strings,
but you know what?

This is the Bates 4,000,
it doesn't get
any better than this.

It's not going anywhere.

This is the future.

Well, I have the Bates 1,000
and that works--

[Derrick]
Oh, excuse me.
You have the Bates 1,000?

Oh, that's great!
Fuck man, wow!

You know, maybe you should talk
to a homeless woman outside

'cause maybe
she'll be impressed.

Those things are barbaric.

I mean, last time I checked,
they didn't even have
a delete key on it.

I'm-I'm joking, of course.

But look, this the future.
You get my point?

Yeah.
- Okay?

Let's write you up.

All right.
Let's do it.

All right, my friend.

Wow, honey.

Are you sure we need
such a fancy one?

Yeah, this thing's
got a quad port 900 processor

and a 16,000 C.T.D.
combo drive with a--

[young coworker on TV]
Dude, you're still not using
the Bates 4,000, are you?

[chuckles]
That thing's ancient.

[older coworker] Really?
[younger coworker] Really.

You gotta get you
one of these...

[**]
the Bates 5,000.

Absolute cutting edge.

[older coworker] Wow!
That is newer.

Thanks!

[clicks tongue]

[announcer]
The new Bates 5,000!

Throw your 4,000 away.

It's a piece of shit.

[futuristic music plays *]

[radio jingle *]
* Hard Drive Hal

[radio announcer]
This is Hard Drive Hal,
your computer expert.

My guest today
is Bates CEO,
Gil Bates.

Now, he's here to talk about
perhaps the most powerful
machine ever built--

the Bates 6,000.

And it's available
in stores right now.

[wheels screeching]
[car honking]

[man yells]
Asshole!

Hey, I just dropped off
this shipment
of the Bates 7,000.

Now, what do you want me to do
with the leftover 6,000?

6,000s?

Throw them
in the fucking garbage
where they belong.

[Bates]
That's right!

Twice the memory capacity
of the 8,000.

[secretary]
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.

Hang on.

Come in.

Hi.

Huh!

[wheels rolling]

[whistles]

[comedic music plays *]

[dog growls]

[saw starts]

[grunting]

[war cry]

[whip swooshing]

[chanting]
Na-na-na-na-nanah!

[raspberry]

Bates was 42.

In other news,
after a six month stint
at the Betty King clinic,

actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.

That's right Norm.

I'm here outside
superstar Bryce Brand's
Hollywood Hills mansion

where at any moment,
he's due to return from his stay
at the Betty King clinic.

[car approaching]

Bryce!

[wheels screeching]

Papi Baby!

Bryce.
- Papi Baby!

Papi Baby!

I'm back!

You look great.

I cannot tell you
how good I feel now

that I'm off the drugs
and high on life.
[laughs]

[Bryce's manager] Hey.
That's what they're saying.
[chuckles]

[Bryce] Oh!

Man,

was I a mess!
[chuckles]

But all that's changed
now that I'm clean and sober.

You know, I never knew
how amazing life can be
without the haze of drugs.

It's the little things like...

...smelling flowers.

Humph.

[fantasy music plays *]

Or watching the sunset.

Or just walking along the beach.

You know,
this things get me way higher
than drugs ever could.

That's great, um, Bryce.

So, we have got
a lot of catching up to do
with your career.

Now, I brought a script.

It's fantastic.

Actually, your part is comedic.

Uh, it's sort of a Hawaii--
- This can't be real.

It's so amazing!
It's blowing my mind, man!

Smell this!

No, thank you.

Though, um,
back to the script, again,

[Bryce] Papa!
[Bryce's manager] it took
a lot to get this--

One thing sobriety has taught me

is that you have to
take time out

to enjoy
life's little pleasures.

[**]

Can you put the tea down
for a second?

[**]

Bryce.

Oh, my God!
- Bryce.

Oh, my God!

[**]

Brandon will spent eight weeks
in an intensive re-tox program
at a trendy L.A. nightclub.

Thanks, Dana.

Nice work.

Really?

Great job.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

At "Onion News,"
I'm Dana Dobbs.

[swoosh]

The nation's rapidly growing
prison population,

which recently passed
the 20 million mark,

has created
a severe overcrowding problem.

In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding,

the government announced today,
that a random selection
of U.S. households

will be asked
to take prisoners
into their homes.

[camera shutters]

Hi.

Uh...

I'm Dick.

Thi-this is my wife, Sarah.

This is our daughter Ally.

And this is our son, Bobby,
he's ten.

Welcome.

To our home.

What's up?

[grunting]
Oh, come on, bitch!

[grunting]

Don't drop this shit on me,
bitch.

[toy sirens]

[grunting]

Lift!

Lift!
[husband yells]

What the fuck are you doing?

Don't just stand there.

Get your man something to drink!

[quiet fart]

Damn, it's good to see
some women.

Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.

[Bobby]
Mister Prisoner,
my tattoo hurts.

Lights out, guys.

If successful,

another 20,000 prisoners
will be moved to suburban homes
by the first of next month.

[classical music plays *]
[film project spinning]

Hello and welcome once again
to "Focus on Film."

I'm Kenneth Garner and...

I'm joined by Kwame Roberts,
President of the National
Coalition of African Americans,

and James Nakatami,
Director of the Asian American
Alliance for Equality.

Mr. Roberts,
let's start with you.

Your organization is not pleased
with this film's depiction
of African Americans.

Oh, that is absolutely correct,
Kenneth.

Uh, we are just about halfway
through the film

and we have yet to see
a dignified portrayal
of a person of color.

So far, we've only been shown
as um, vicious criminals
or sex fiends.

Just take a look
at that last sketch.

So, what specifically
is your group demanding?

Either the filmmakers
put a positive black role model

on that screen
in the next ten minutes,

or we will be organizing
a nationwide walk-out
of black moviegoers.

That means
every single African American
currently watching this film,

will exit the theater.

Mr. Nakatami,
are you equally unhappy?

Thus far,
there are maybe one

or at the most two,
three Asian faces in the film.

How do you feel about
such gross under representation?

Um, me no rikey.

Excuse me?

Me, no rikey.

Aren't you the guy
who played Long Duk Dong
in "Sixteen Candles?"

Uh, me no rikey.

And...

...back to the film.

In legal news,

local 18-year-old,
Joey Franco,

is suing for the right
to be sexually harassed
in the workplace.

Franco, an employee
of Carl's coffeeshop in Phoenix,

alleged that during
his three years there,

not a single female coworker
made inappropriate
sexual advances toward him.

Either verbal, or physical.

[swoosh]

In other news, health officials
have confirmed that a
potentially airborne virus

[squeaking]
has been spreading
across eastern Canada.

And is now moving South
towards the coast of--
[fanfare]

[squeaking]
[fanfare]

[squeaking]

[boing]

[coworker #1]
Hey Norm!

[suspenseful music plays *]

[coworker #2]
Hey, Norm!
Okay.

[coworker #3]
Oh, there goes Norm again.

[coworker #4]
Probably pissed.

[**]

[intense music plays *]

[multiple phones ring]

All right, listen to me.
- Hi, Norm.

Our job isn't to advertise
our parent company's movie
via a goddamned penguin.

Our job is to deliver
to the American people,

fair, balanced,
hard-hitting news.

In this crazy world, "The Onion"
may be the only news source
that people can truly trust.

Oh, don't be so naive, Norman.

This is a business.

[golf putt hits ball]

[squeak]

Listen to me.

I know you're not gonna
want to hear this,

but the suits
of Global Tetrahedron

want you to open up
Friday's broadcast

with a slightly different
lead story.

Wha--?

But Friday is the day
Azmenistan gave Sloravia

as a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.

That's also the day
that "Cockpuncher" opens.

I mean, this Asmenistany
[mumbles] grand thing

is all well and good,
right?

But it's million miles away.

Nobody gives a fuck about it.

The more important
news story right now,
is "Cockpuncher" mania.

It's sweeping the nation.

And it better sweep
your newscast, Friday.

Take a putt.

No?

[ominous music plays *]

You owe me a pound,
you son of a bitch,
I made that last one.

[film narrator] From
Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Stephen Seagal is "Cockpuncher."
[bartender] Awesome!

You damn, whorish,
corporate plugs.

I'm a newsman, dammit.

[bartender] Oh!

[film announcer]
"Cockpuncher"

[Stephen Seagal]
I don't think
you have the balls.

[bartender]
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.

[bus boy grunts]
[bartender laughs]

[bartender]
Excuse me, sir.

What can I get you?

Uh, no, thank you.

I don't drink
or use drugs,
for that matter.

No.

I was just wondering
if you could give me directions
to the local library.

Um, two blocks down
and a left on Second.

Thank you very much.
You have a wonderful evening.

Hmm-mmm.

[busboy grunts]
[bartender] Are you okay?

[bartender laughs]

Thank you.
You have a wonderful evening.

[zipper unzips]

[groaning quietly]

[quietly]
Ah, fuck!

Help.

[swoosh]

Has your penis become stuck
in a library book return slot?

[**]

Call Kostman's.
The Penis People.

[bing]

We've been a tri-county area's
penis retrieval experts
for 64 years.

We'll get any penis
out of any slot for $39.95.

That's my personal guarantee.

So don't just sit there,
hoping your penis will somehow,
magically free itself.

Call Kostman's.
[bing]

They got my penis out.

They got my penis out.

[speaking Spanish]

They've got my penis out.

[all]
They got all our penises out.

[commercial announcer]
Kostman's, the Penis People.

This week's campaign
is gonna rule!

I can't wait for the assault
on Castle Dragon Flame.

I know, it's gonna be super,
totally awesome!

I have a third-level
Elven Cleric,

I can't wait to pit
against my foes.

Yeah, well uh,
don't count on
being too awesome.

Look who just showed up.

[fanfare music plays *]

Well...
what have we stumbled upon here?

Oh, shit.

Dare you challenge the mights
of Proteous the Invincible?

Ah.

I see there are
some beardless saplings
with us this afternoon,

who've ne'er tasted my blade.

This douchebag ruins everything.

Prepare for total devastation.

The magical wizardry,

expert chaos,
techniques,

and incomparable
equipment roster.

Proteous the Invincible
will make short work
of all pretenders to the throne.

Okay, Lial.

How's about letting some
of the younger guys
have a chance today?

Okay?

When it comes to
"Wizards and War Beasts,"

I expect no quarter
and none should be given!

Now that I've readied
my provisions

for the day's foyer
into the fairy realms,

[**]

let the slaughter begin!

[rock music plays *]

[Preteous laughs]

None remain standing before me.

All have fallen
before the might
of my broad sword.

This is bullshit.
I'm leaving.

I hope you're happy Lial.

You just ruined another Saturday
for the whole gaming club.

What care I
for the sniveling excuses
of the weak?

They shall bow before my wrath!

In the realm of fantasy,
only the strongest will survive
to conquer another day.

Whatever.

Alas...

The day's adventuring
is now done

and I must take
the number two bus back home.

If only I could live
in the world of fantasy forever.

Instead of being forced
to put up with this banal realm

and it's silly,
weak-minded mortals.

Oh, how I wish
I could live in the realm
of "Wizards and War Beasts."

Ruling the land
as a mightly conqueror,

smiting orcs
and ogres alike
with my trusty, broad sword.

[animalistic growl]

[ominous music plays *]

[distorted voice]
Proteous the Invincible?

I've heard your plea.

Uh, oh, oh, oh, wh-what?

Who
Who goes there?

[distorted voice]
It is I, Gonthax,
demon of the astral plane.

[Gonthax] Never before
have I seen your equal
on mortals that play this game.

What's going on?

Guys.

[Gonthax] I have chosen
to grant your wish,
Proteous the Invisible.

Come forth
into the land of legends.

[wolf howling]

God, where am I?

[ominous music plays *]

Ow!

Oh, God, where am I?

[Gothax]
Proteous.

[growling]

Prepare to piss thyself, human.

[crying]
No, no, no.

Please.

Fucking geek.

- After last night's
heartbreaking loss
in Los Angeles,

basketball star
Dashante Jackson,
had harsh words for the Lord.

You know,
I would like to put the blame
on God tonight.

For not blessing me
with the talent

to hit the game
with a three-pointer tonight.

You know what, without him,
I would truly be going
to the playoffs.

Bitch, I don't know why
you do this shit to me.

[news jingle *]

In news
from our nation's capital,

a group of Alzheimer's
Disease sufferers

marched on Washington today,
demanding a cure for pancakes.

Until this tea kettle is cured,

there will never be enough bread
in the laundry.

[clapping]
Ding dong!

Karate!

[clapping and cheering]

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"]

* It's been building up so long
Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* And that feeling is oh,
so strong *

* Oh
So, baby *

* Shoot your love all over me

* Oh, drown me in a milky sea

* Love all over me

[old man wheezes]
Oh!

* Two unite for eternity

* Oh, yeah, yeah

* When I look at you, baby

* I see a man who loves fun

* But could good is it to make
locked away in that trunk *

* I don't need more roses

* Now that would be
just breathless *

* The gift I want from you
From you *

* Is my very own
pearl necklace *

Oh, shit.

* Shoot your love all over me

* Hey

* Drown me in a milky sea

* Love all over me

* Oh, baby *

[news jingle *]

Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.

Did you know that
all over the world,

there are millions of children
living in extreme poverty?

For more than forty years,
the What About
The Children Foundation

has been making a difference
in the lives of kids
throughout the Third World.

And so can you,

by adopting
a What About The Children
sponsor child.

But don't take my word for it.
Take Dibo's.

[**]
Hello, I am Dibo.

Come!

[Michael Bolton]
Thanks to
What About The Children,

Dibo has seen
his standard of living

swell well above
the level of his pathetic,
poverty-stricken village.

What About
The Children Foundation

is able to provide
a child like Dibo,

with some of
the little things in life,
we so often take for granted.

Thanks, G.

[Michael Bolton]
Like electricity,

fresh drinking water,

indoor plumbing,

a 42-inch plasma
screen television,

the latest
Sony Playstation videogame,

1,000 thread count
Egyptian cotton sheets,

a subscription
to "The Wall Street Journal"

and selections
from Marc Jacobs'
Men Spring collection.

[bing]

[alarm]

[intruder grunts]

Get your own fucked up family!

[beeping]

[alarm turns off]

Thank goodness the McCormick's
sent me a security system
to kept these animals out.

Thank you, Dibo.

It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile.

[news jingle *]

In breaking news,
we now join Dana Dobbs
in Lakeshore Bluff.

Where a verdict
has just been handed down
in the Timothy Shanaham trial.

Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?

Well Norm,
as you can see,

I'm here outside
the First District
Federal Courthouse,

where this angry mob of Negroes

is rioting over
the guilty verdict
in the Timothy Shanaham case.

[shouting]

We will keep you posted.

[Norman]
Thanks, Dana.

Thank you, Norm.

Those crazy Negroes.

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Take Me From Behind"
plays on TV]

[knocking]

Enter.

Pardon me, General.
Your meeting's about to start.

Ah.

So as you can see, generals.

Death Co amalgamated's
M47 Jumping Johnny landmine

earned a triple A-rating,
in field trials

and boasts
a 98% kill-through ratio.

Making it the best landmine
for the government's dollar.

Nah.

We're gonna pass.

Thanks, anyway.

[car not starting]
[engine turning]

[sad piano music plays *]

[**]

[screams]
Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck... fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck...
[silently crying]

You call yourself a salesman?

We spent 400 billion dollars
in the company's money

developing these landmines
for the military.

You better find a way
to unload this things!

[**]

[infomercial announcer]
Tired of backbreaking yard work?

[bing]
Then jump back!

For Jumping Johnny!

Jumping Johnny
blasts weeds to pieces,

brags ragweed,

crabgrass,

dandelions,

and rabbits,

raccoons,

even elephants!

So, what are you waiting for?
[bing]

Get Jumping Johnny today!

[news jingle *]

It's now time for our weekly,
inspirational portrait.

[uplifting music plays *]

[Norman Archer]
This week, Brendan Laroux story.

[Kip Kendall]
Brendan Laroux's story
is one of dreams.

As a young boy,
he wanted to become a dancer.

But at the age of 12,
he lost his legs.

Now, this would be a setback
for any youngster.

But while his lack
of lower limbs

may have stopped him
from walking,

they didn't stop him
from pursuing his dream.

[film reel]

[Brendan Laroux]
My whole life,

playing pro hockey
is all I ever wanted to do.

And I was determined to do
whatever it took to make it.

From age seven on,
I practiced... every day.

People said I was crazy.

They said, you know,
only people with legs
can make it in pro hockey.

But I didn't let
the naysayers get to me.

[Kip Kendall]
In 1988, a 12-year-old Brendan
got his first big break.

When he joined
the Moose Jaw Bearcats
junior boys' team.

[Brendan Laroux]
People said the only reason
I made the team,

was because the coach
felt bad for me.

You know what?

That only made me
more determined to succeed.

[melancholic music plays *]

[Kip Kendall]
Two years later,

that determination
would once again
be put to the test

when doctors
informed Brendan that...

he would have to have
his wrists removed.

For that young man it was,
a difficult but inspiring time.

Without my wrists,
there was...

nothing to keep my hands
attached to my arms, so.

Even though my hands were fine,
I... I lost them, too.

Now, Brendan may not have had
as many hands and legs
as the other boys,

but he more
than made up for that
with hard work and sweat.

He quickly moved
through the junior ranks.

And in 1997,

he got the call
he'd been waiting for
his whole life.

The coach said,

"How would you like to be
Pearl Hockey's first legless,
handless player?"

And I said,

[voice breaking]
"Coach, I'm your man.

I'm your man."

[**]

[Kip Kendall]
It was an inspiring night.

Full of... inspiration.

Then, two days later,

Brendan found out
that his rib cage was backwards,
leaving the spine exposed.

That he needed a complete,
muscle transplant.

The risky surgery
lasted 720 hours.

Brendan came back
better than ever.

Brendan persevered
and was selected MVP.

Just when it seemed
like the dark clouds
had finally passed,

Brendan contracted scurvy,

went bankrupt
and his wife was...
eaten by wolves.

He was also molested
by his uncle Jerry.

Today, Brendan's journey
has opened the door
for many athletes

who never would've been
given a chance

if he hadn't broken down
pro sports physical ability
barrier.

Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral palsy sufferer

and three-time
National Equestrian champ.

[horse neighs]

Blind stockcar driver,
Bobby Templeton.

[engine turning]

[wheels screeching]

Deaf Olympic sprinter,
Craig Connors.

[gunshot]

[second gunshot]

[multiple gunshots]

Gil Sereman,
the world's first professional
comatose diver.

[**]

And of course,
Chicago's shooting guard,
Herby Cohen,

who was born with Judaism.

[camera shutters]

Yes, none of it
would have been possible

without Brendan Laroux,
a true, inspirational portrait.

[uplifting music ends]

[swoosh]

In adult entertainment
industry news,

the nation's porn stars
gathered today in Los Angeles,

in a unified demand
for stronger, more intense
sexual intercourse.

Fuck me with your big cock!

Give it to me harder.

Fuck me 'til I explode!

[clapping]

Calling the tragedy a terrible,
unintentional mistake,

the Los Angeles
Police Department
issued an apology today

for the accidental shooting,

clubbing,

stabbing,

firebombing,

choking, impaling,

electrocution,

legal injection death

of an African American man.

[swoosh]

I'm Kepp Kendall,
reporting for "The Onion News."

As the conflict between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepens,

college campuses
across this country

have become a hotbed
of political activity.

We're here
in Santa Cruz, California today.

Let's listen in.

Stop violence.

Stop the violence.

Stop the mothafucking violence!

Increase the peace!

For the past three years,

Sloravia and Azmenistan
have been locked
in a pointless and bloody war.

Their cowardly leaders
sent innocent, young men
into battle to die.

To die.

Well, you know what?

We need to put
those leaders in a room
and let them fight it out!

You know what else?

What this countries need to do,

they need to do,

they need to listen
to their women a little more.

[crowd cheers]
Yeah!

'Cause women, women create life.

While men, they destroy it.

So let's all stand up against
the corporate war machine

that only exists to do
the imperialistic agenda

against the...
the oppressed minority!

Right?

Love you, love you brother!

Peace!

Go on, love!

[microphone feedback]

[man in suit]
Excuse me, Chad.

What's up?

We're the U.N.
and let me just say,
we are very impressed.

What you said up there
was dead on, Chad.

Dead-on.

What?

We want you to negotiate talks
between Sloravia and Azmenistan.

Shut up, dude.

- We're convinced you're the man
who can finally bring peace
to this troubled region.

- Will you do it, Chad?

Will you help us...
increase the peace?

Fuck yeah!

Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.

- Great.
Will you come with me, please?

Yeah.

[news jingle *]

Your systematic campaign
of aggression against my country
is the reason--

Our military operations
are purely in the response

for your repeated violation
of the treaty!

[Azmenistan leader]
You are the one to violate
the peace treaty--

[Sloravia leader]
We?

[arguing in foreign language]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Guys!

Guys, chill.

Chill.

Let's take a chill pill here.

Don't you guys realize that,

war no matter how justified
it may seem,

is not the answer.

It's not?

No, man.

Love is the answer.

Now.

Let's get
this peace shit started.

[folk music plays *]
[water gurgling]

* A baby is born
An old man dies *

* One child's laughing
while another one cries *

* Seasons change
right before my eyes *

[**]

* Sun comes up
The sun goes down *

* The world takes
another spin around *

* Tide goes out
Tide goes in *

* Life goes on,
on again *

[**]

[speaking foreign language]

[**]
In international news,

the crisis between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepened today

when the leaders
of the two rival nations--
[squeaking]

[in a high-pitched voice]
Hey America!

Get ready to... punch some cock!

[Kiai]
[fanfare]
[rooster grunts]

[squeaking]
[fanfare ends]

Tomorrow is the deadline
for Sloravia to pull out
of the Uzbagiyak region.

[elevator bell rings]

If it's not our lead story,
consider it my resignation.

[rapidly]
"Cockpuncher" mania.

[suspenseful music plays *]

[**]

Two minutes, Norm.

[**]

[news jingle *]

[announcer]
And now, "The Onion News,"

America's Finest News Source.
- Honey, it's about to start.

[announcer]
Featuring Dana Dobbs,

Senior Correspondent,
Kepp Kendalls,

and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.

[Norman Archer]
Good evening.

For the past 27 years,
I sat at this desk,

dedicating myself to one thing,

delivering the news to you,
the American viewing public,

in the most fair, balanced,
serious way possible.

What's he doing?

[Norman Archer] Well.
Things are changing
in the news game.

And I've been under pressure
to change with them.

Desperate to stay one step
ahead of the competition,

the powers that be
at this network

have done everything they can
to get me to compromise
my values.

To attract more
of those precious,
Nielsen eyeballs.

And once I get those eyeballs,
what do they want me to do?

Plug our parent company's
movies and other products

like a two bit,
network news whore.

Motherfucker!

Well.

I've been giving this whole,
ugly business a lot of thought.

In just a few moments
before going on the air tonight,
I finally came to a conclusion.

And that conclusion is--

[ominous music plays *]
[Ahmed] Nobody move!

Or the anchor infidel dies!

The Al-Q'Utaya
Terrorists' Organization
officially declares war

on the decadent, immoral,
United States of Satan.

[Ahman]
We shit on your country!

And piss also!

[Ahmed]
It was good.

Tonight, on live television,
the American people will watch

this great spreader
of Western lies
get blown into pieces.

Cutting the cameras.

[sword slash]
[ominous music plays *]

Unless,
the United States government
formally apologizes

for it's rotting,
immoral culture.

And withdraws all troops
from the Middle East.

Like that's gonna happen.

Are you listening...

... Mr. President?

We might be fucked, sir.

[Ahmed on TV]
We will do it.

We will kill him right here,

if you do not meet our demands.

- Oh, yeah?

[dramatic music plays *]

I don't think you
have the balls.

Cockpuncher!

Ahmed.

It is the mighty puncher
of cocks!

How nice of you to join us...

... Cockpuncher.

[Ahmed]
We've been expecting you.

Allow me to introduce
the Al-Q'Utaya
Terrorist Organization.

[**]

[Stephen Seagal]
I'm hungry.

I could sure go
for a Sunday topped with...

... crushed nuts.

Yummy!

[**]

Come on, Cockpuncher!

Go get them!

[**]

Give him a rock!

[dramatic music ends]

I believe you
will be releasing Norm now.

Not so fast... Cockpuncher.

[ominous music plays *]

[gasps]

Cockblocked.

[Ahmed laughs]

The clever terrorist.

They blocked their cocks.

- Maybe I can be
of some assistance?

You don't want to hurt Norm.

Melissa Cherry!

You don't wanna hurt America.
[patriotic music plays *]

This is the greatest,
gosh darned country
in the whole, wide world.

Oh, she is--

Denis, give me a drink.

Where else can you
take a shot at our dreams
and make them come true?

Where else can you take a stand
for what's right?

And change millions of minds.

And most importantly,
where else can you take me
from behind?

Hit it boys!

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Take Me From Behind"]

* Oh, when you love me
[singing non-lexical vocables]

* You know that I don't mind

* What I really want
is for you *

* to take me from behind,
yeah *

* And when you want me
[singing non-lexical vocables]

* You know that I don't mind

* Oh, and what I really want is
for you...

Come on, Cherry.

[singing non-lexical vocables]

What the fuck is going on?

* Oh

* And when you love me
[singing non-lexical vocables]

* You know that I don't mind
No, no *

* What I really want is for you
to take me from behind *

* Yeah, and when you love me
[singing non-lexical vocables]

* You know that I don't mind
Oh *

* And what I really want
is for you to take me
from behind *

* Oh, yeah,
I don't mind...

Ahman!

Think unsexy thoughts!

[Ahmen and Ahmad]
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.

[Ahmen and Ahmad]
Think unsexy thoughts!

[romantic music plays *]

[pop music plays *]

[ominous music plays *]

Your immoral, Western sexuality
will not work on us.

Mr. President, the time has come
to give in to our demands.

If we do not hear from you
in ten seconds,

we will kill everyone
in this studio.

We might be fucked, sir.

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

[**]

Not so rapido!

Peruvians!

Daddy, what's a Peruvian?

It's kind of like a Mexican,
son.

Viva Peru.

Que viva.

[Peruvian hero]
You Cockpuncher, amigo

[speaking Spanish]

[action music plays *]

[Stephen Seagal]
You know Ahman, violence
is almost never necessary.

I admit.

I've punched thousands
upon thousands of cocks
in my life,

but I've never killed anyone

because no matter
what your religion might be,

no matter
what your politics might be,

no matter
how much money is involved,

there's never any reason
to take human life.

Human life
is the most previous thing
there is.

Fuck aye, man.

That's some cool shit, man.

You know what?

You are absolutely right,
Cockpuncher.

[sentimental music plays *]
Violence is not the answer.

Terrorism never solved anything.

To hell with terrorism!

Yeah!
Yeah.

I'm sick and tired
of living in a fucking cave.

I'm sick of doing nothing
but cursing the West all day.

Jesus aged Allah.

I like the West.

Good bless America.

[Ahman]
I like TV.

And I like bacon,
double cheese burgers.

Woo-hoo!

[Ahman]
And I like the rapping music.

But most of all, I like
this big budget action hero.

Long live
the mighty puncher of cocks!

[ululating]

[cheering]

Woo!

[**]

Hey, Norm.

Crazy shit, huh?

With all due respect,
we just wanted to ask...

What-what were you going to say
during your speech?

[stuttering] Yeah,
we were wondering

what the conclusion
that you came to was.

Well, I was going to say,
"I'm mad as hell,

I'm not going to
take it anymore."

But after what just happened,

I think I learned
a little lesson
I won't soon forget.

As a matter of fact,

I think
we've all learned a few things
in the past 90 minutes.

We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples,
[patriotic music plays *]

we've learned that
film critic intellectuals
are a bunch of gaywads.

And most of all,
we've learned...

... creeping corporate influence
over the news protects us
from terrorism.

[**]
[cheering]

Hey, everybody.

We're all gonna get laid!

[cheering]
[**]

Cannonball!

Um, I can't help but think
it must have taken a lot courage
to make such a provocative film.

And joining us
to discuss just that,

is the man
who green-lit the film.

Thanks, Kenneth.
Pleasure to be here.

[Kenneth Garber]
So, uh...

Now while you gave
the makers of this film
tremendous leeway, obviously,

still,
there was some material that
you simply refused to allow?

That's true.

Basically,
as committed as I was

to letting this guys be free
to do their thing,

there were simply some images
that I just didn't feel
comfortable with.

Hmm-mmm.
But I understand
you did bring some clips.

That's right, uh,
I would like to show
some special bonus material.

This are scenes
that didn't make it
into the movie.

Great.

Let's take a look.

[film reel]

[beep]
[church bells rings]

[cat meowing]
What we do,
is we get the kitty

and we put it
in a simple egg batter.

[cat meows]
Oh, shh, that's fine.

And then we just simply
roll it around,

making sure we cover
the whole thing, entirely.

Making sure
it's completely covered
in an herb, bread crumb batter.

Here.
- I see. Okay,

thank you.
And then-- oh, oh!
[cat meows loudly]

--the canola oil.

[oil gurgling]
[film reel spinning]

You know, I think you have to
draw a line somewhere.

[news jingle *]

[* Melissa Cherry:
"Take Me From Behind"]

[**]

For the Onion News,
this is Norm Archer.

Fuck you and good night.