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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,880
I've got a pen pal. This fella I was
at school with.
2
00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:07,360
I did ask her out once,
60 years ago.
3
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,760
I thought the sun shone out of her.
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,960
Alan?
Celia.
5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,240
Some braindead, lowlife trailer
trash stole my parking space.
6
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,240
And you've met my daughter...
Sorry?
7
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,360
We've got some news for you.
We're getting married!
8
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,920
Alan Buttershaw, he was brought
in with a heart attack.
9
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,800
What have you done to him?
He didn't used to be like this.
10
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,880
Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.
Hello. Er, mind where... Oh!
11
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,160
I don't recognise you any more.
12
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:33,320
Chucking your money away
on flash cars!
13
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,120
You've got no idea of the
consequences!
14
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,280
She reads Daily Mail,
Celia, did I tell you?
15
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,880
You can keep your Guardian.
16
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,880
Is there an argument for you and me
getting back together?
17
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,240
I like sleeping with other women.
I always did.
18
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,960
You're going to tell me next
you voted for Margaret Thatcher.
19
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,320
Well, you can't have liked
Michael Foot.
20
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,720
When you love someone,
isn't it, like, warts and all?
21
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,080
Come hell or high water?
22
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,680
Here we are.
23
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:18,720
Omega-3, a dazzling salad
and no carbs.
24
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,200
I thought you were setting the
table.
25
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,120
What? I have.
26
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,960
What are you busy with?
27
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,160
Filling in this form.
28
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,960
Are we opening a bottle of Prosecco?
29
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,640
Well, it is a Tuesday.
30
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,360
What form are you filling in?
31
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,320
It's, er...
32
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,520
Earth to Alan?
33
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,960
I'm applying for a job.
34
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,200
Well, I'm not. I'm...
I'm just buggering about.
35
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,520
A job? Doing what?
36
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,920
Chairman of the United Nations.
37
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,960
Oh, well, you'll be good at that,
38
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,680
with all your namby-pamby,
left-wing claptrap.
39
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:55,600
What is it?
40
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:56,840
Something to do with Harry?
41
00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,720
Why would it be to do with Harry?
42
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,600
Well, you know what you're like
with Harry.
43
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,760
He says, "Jump," and you say,
"How high?"
44
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:09,120
How would you describe
my personality? In three words.
45
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,640
MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, hello.
46
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,680
It's our Ted.
Why do they need to know
47
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,320
about your personality?
48
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,480
Alan?
49
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,600
Alan!
50
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,680
How about deaf? That's one.
51
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,120
Away with the fairies.
That's another.
52
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,240
Course, that's four words,
but it'll fill a space. Put that.
53
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:32,720
He's coming over.
54
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,240
Eh? Ted. He's getting a flight.
55
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:39,000
And he's landing at Heathrow,
Saturday morning
56
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,760
at 20 past 11.
57
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,120
He's never.
58
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,760
What, this Saturday?
59
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,600
He wants to know
if he can stop with us.
60
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,560
Course you can, lad.
61
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:51,320
"It's all a bit last minute,
but I'll explain when I see you."
62
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,760
Well, I wonder what that means.
63
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,720
What, stay here? With us?
64
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,640
Well, that guest bedroom
will need sorting out.
65
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,600
How's he getting from Heathrow?
Do you think he's poorly?
66
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,880
Well, either that or he's fallen out
with that Nadine again.
67
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:13,160
We're going to have to get that
guest bedroom kitted out properly,
see, Alan.
68
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,400
There's a bed in it.
69
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,080
He won't care.
Yeah, well, I care.
70
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,960
He's got a connecting flight
to Doncaster Sheffield Airport,
71
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,880
and can we pick him up
at 14.45, Saturday?
72
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,480
Well, we're not doing owt, are we?
73
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,200
Well, we'd better not have a drink,
74
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,160
we'd better get into Halifax
and get some new curtains.
75
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,400
A supermarket?
76
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,360
Mm. Same place our Ellie works at.
77
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,480
The new one down Sowerby Bridge.
78
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,400
But doing what?
79
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,120
Trading assistant.
80
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,960
Checkout.
81
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,200
What the hell for?
82
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,800
Well, I like to keep myself busy.
83
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,320
Well, so do I, but in a supermarket?
84
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,320
Hey, eyes on the road.
85
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,600
So this was today?
Well, I told him.
86
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,200
I said, "How are you gonna get
there?
87
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,360
"You're gonna have to get yourself
a little car, a little run-round,
88
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,320
"cos you're not taking the Lexus
every day, cos I might need it."
89
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,640
I thought you said it was only
part-time.
90
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,200
It's only four hours,
four days a week.
91
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,520
Oh, so it wouldn't be every day?
92
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,280
No, but it'd be inconvenient,
when the hell it was.
93
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,840
D'you know what he says?
Wait for it.
94
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,600
Well, I'll get a bus.
95
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,640
You on a bus?
96
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,600
That's £279.98, please.
97
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,680
I know. Him on a bus.
98
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:37,400
I laughed. Oh, there is a bus.
99
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,680
There's one that comes down past
here and goes straight there.
100
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,200
He's 82.
101
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,560
He'd only be sitting on it, chicken,
he wouldn't be driving it.
102
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,360
Yes, but he'd be standing out there
waiting for the damned thing.
103
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,360
Getting wet through.
104
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,640
Or dehydrated,
now we've got global warming.
105
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,000
Some people like getting on a bus.
106
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,320
Like who?
107
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,400
People.
108
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,760
How come you know so much?
109
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,240
When were you ever on a bus?
I've been on a bus. When?
110
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,200
Where is he, anyway?
111
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,360
When where you ever on a bus?
112
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,120
Last year, last summer.
113
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,600
Barcelona.
114
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,120
Me and Gillian, Flora and Calamity.
115
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,360
We went on a sight-seeing tour.
116
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,120
You could step on and off all day
with the same ticket, it was
wonderful.
117
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,120
A proper bus.
118
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,880
One that smells of engine oil
and nausea
119
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,880
and has all puke running along
the grooves in the floorboards.
120
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,760
No, Mum. That was the 1960s,
buses aren't like that now.
121
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,960
How was Ruby's birthday party?
122
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,360
Pleasant enough, although the food
was a disappointment.
123
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,680
And who won the fancy dress?
124
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,160
Caleb. Came as a banana.
125
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,560
Four fairies. I said it was
a mistake.
126
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:43,960
Never mind.
127
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,320
Anyway, so I said to him,
"What about your heart condition?"
128
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,680
And he's all...
129
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:53,440
Well, I can always go
and have a checkup before I start.
130
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,240
Are you winding me up?
131
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,640
No.
132
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,000
Well, it sounds like
he's approaching it sensibly.
133
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,680
Why do you always
take the other side?
134
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,120
You often say this. Every time.
135
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,320
Do you think you've got
a chip on your shoulder?
136
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,000
I'm missing Eggheads. Oh, come on.
137
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,560
If it's something he wants to do
and if it's only a few hours a week.
138
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,240
It's a supermarket checkout,
for goodness' sake.
139
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,040
It's not like he's running
Network Rail.
140
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,920
Oh, well, I wouldn't mind that
so much.
141
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,200
At least that'd be a...
142
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,840
What?
143
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,440
Respectable?
144
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,840
A desk job!
145
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:34,200
It's his heart I'm thinking of.
What if he ends up pushing trolleys?
146
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,520
What if he gets someone
who's difficult to deal with?
147
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:41,440
Ooh. Friday night, don't forget
Gillian and I are cooking up at her
house,
148
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,520
seeing as we did it round
at mine last year.
149
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:44,960
It's in the diary.
150
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,840
I never know what to get you
for your birthday. Either of you.
151
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,360
I don't need anything.
152
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,320
What are you looking so pleased
with yourself for anyway?
153
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,680
You're not...in love again, are you?
154
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,680
I'm off.
155
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,600
TTFN. Bye, Granny.
156
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,440
Let me know what
you want for your birthday.
157
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,920
Where did you say he was?
158
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,880
Oh, he's buggered off
up to Gillian's.
159
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,760
He's taken our Calamity home.
I mean, it became a proper argument.
160
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,080
It wasn't just an amusing anecdote.
161
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,000
I'm upset.
162
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,880
I've got to go. I've got John coming
over for dinner.
163
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,760
John?
164
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:23,840
Thank you for picking up Tinkerbell.
165
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,640
Oh, I know.
166
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,160
What for?
CHUCKLES
167
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,400
Oh! What?
168
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,840
Ted's coming. Ted?
169
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,480
His brother. From New Zealand.
170
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,600
Oh, I remember Ted at the wedding.
171
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:36,960
He fancied Kate.
172
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,320
Ted fancied everybody.
173
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,720
Well, she says, "You're not
taking t'Lexus, I might need it."
174
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,560
She didn't.
175
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,480
Well, she did, which is fair enough,
she might need it,
176
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,680
so I said, "Well, then,
I'll get on a bus,"
177
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,000
and she goes, "You? On a bus?"
178
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,320
As if it were a wholly alien
concept.
179
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,720
Aliens? Hmm?
180
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,240
Oh, not them sort of aliens, love.
181
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,200
No, I like a bus ride.
182
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,880
Many a time I used to get on a bus.
183
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,960
Before we bought yond...
184
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,160
Yeah, before you started chucking
your lolly around on rubbish.
185
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,280
Well, I thought she'd be delighted,
186
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,920
not having me underfoot
all day every day.
187
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,880
She goes...
188
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,600
What if people see you?
189
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,760
Well, that's the idea,
working at a checkout.
190
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,280
A non-automated checkout.
191
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,240
It's the only human contact
some people have all day.
192
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,360
The elderly. The lonely.
193
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:37,120
A cheerful conversation with
a friendly face can mean a lot
to a lonely person.
194
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,480
However brief.
195
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,560
Don't forget you're taking me
to Ruby's party, Granny.
196
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:46,000
All squash up, ladies,
Grandmama has been spending again.
197
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,400
Don't call me Grandmama.
198
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,680
Make me sound about 90.
You are 90.
199
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,240
CHUCKLES
I'm not 90!
200
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,080
See what you've started now.
201
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,400
Well, how old are you then?
202
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,840
I'm 36. Are you, Granny? Is she?
203
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:05,280
36?! Oh, are you joining in?
204
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,480
136! Have you heard her?
205
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,840
You don't ask a lady how old she is.
206
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,360
We wasn't. We was asking you.
207
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,600
Oh, very funny.
208
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,120
Wit dripping off her, that one.
209
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:21,160
I'm 36, and your grandad's...38.
210
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,120
I can't imagine being that old.
211
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,920
It's just a nice age.
212
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,960
They're talking bollocks.
Ignore 'em.
213
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,560
Hey! Excuse me?!
214
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,240
Why, what you done?
215
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,520
How much do you get an hour?
216
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:36,000
Er, £9.20, if I get anything.
217
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,560
I mean, I've only made
an application
218
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,000
and she's gone all funny with me
over it. Yeah, well,
219
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,680
there you go, eh? Celia.
220
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,560
You're looking pale.
221
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,960
Are you all right?
222
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,320
I've got woodworm.
223
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,720
Y..?
In my upstairs, primarily.
224
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,200
But then when they've looked
properly, it's all over.
225
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,240
We're riddled
with the little pillocks.
226
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,120
D'you want some tea?
227
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,680
5,786 quid.
228
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,240
Worst part's the builder.
229
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,320
Need to replace some timbers in the
roof. I should have sorted it out
sooner.
230
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,960
It's been staring me in the face
for God knows how long,
231
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,880
but, you know, healthy neglect,
blind eye.
232
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,640
They're not the cheapest,
before you ask,
233
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,000
and they...they do guarantee
the work for 25 years.
234
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,880
Well, I should hope so
at that price.
235
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,160
No, I've had three different lots
in, and they all said same thing,
236
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,120
needs doing, needs doing sharpish.
237
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,280
Worst-case scenario, the roof
could give way at the far end.
238
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,080
Well, do you have that
sort of money?
239
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:50,760
OK. So, you know I borrowed
another 90 grand
240
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,560
to buy them ten acres off Fred
Turner and expand the flock?
241
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,080
And it will pay off. No two ways.
Wise move. Very.
242
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,800
Best flock I've ever had,
243
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,840
and they'll pay dividends
when time comes, but...
244
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,920
..in the interim...
245
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,520
..no, I don't have that sort of
money, so...
246
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:14,200
It's just... It's this new kitchen
she's having, I'm paying half.
247
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,120
We always go halves on stuff.
248
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,720
And...well, it's not cheap.
249
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,400
It's hand-crafted.
250
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,320
And she's spent another arm
and another leg this aft,
251
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,240
kitting out guest
room for our Ted. Right.
252
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,520
And it won't stop there.
You can bet your bottom dollar
253
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,960
once curtains are up,
she'll decide it needs a new carpet.
254
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,520
No, it's...
255
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,520
Let me see what I can do.
256
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,960
I could ask to borrow more
from the bank.
257
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,080
It's just I'm stretched with the
repayments every month as it is,
and...
258
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,560
Let me see what I can do.
Why does she need a new kitchen?
259
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,160
You've got a perfectly good kitchen.
260
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,520
I mean you've already spent God
knows how much on the damned place.
261
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:54,560
Mm. Mm.
262
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:59,240
And why do you need three bedrooms?
What does she do in 'em all?
263
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:03,080
Well, she's always fancied
a bungalow up there,
264
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,600
and they don't come up for sale
so often, so...
265
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,240
Look, you know all this. Mm.
266
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,320
Suppose one bedroom will be
justifying its existence for five
minutes
267
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,720
if Ted's stopping, it's just...
268
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,440
Well, you know.
269
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,200
You don't need a new kitchen.
270
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,920
I don't need a new kitchen,
certainly.
271
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,520
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't...
272
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,160
SHE SIGHS
273
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,760
Ellie will be finishing work soon,
and with Raff still training,
274
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,920
I can't ask them to contribute
any more than they're doing already.
275
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,920
No. I'll talk to her.
276
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,960
So what did you say was up with Ted?
277
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,160
Well, nothing that we know of.
278
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,520
It's just him coming
at such short notice.
279
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,120
Made me wonder. Mm.
280
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,560
You going my way?
281
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:25,680
If you're lucky.
282
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:31,320
Ooh!
283
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:35,640
Good evening, Mrs Greenwood.
284
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,200
Good evening, Mr Greenwood.
285
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,680
Been waiting long? No.
286
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,920
How were the little tossers today?
287
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,160
Oh, Joe Thompson told me
to eff off again.
288
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,680
Nice.
289
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:50,320
Sophisticated.
290
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,720
Mm. So he's in isolation again.
291
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,520
That took up most of lesson one,
obviously,
292
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,160
cos he wasn't gonna go
without some stand-up comedy.
293
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,280
And then second period
started quite well.
294
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,040
I even got a nice little equation
scribbled on the whiteboard,
295
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,840
then, half a second later,
296
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,840
we're into four warnings
and two confiscated phones.
297
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,760
Cracking.
298
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,760
I were always getting
me phone confiscated.
299
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,200
Then at dinner... Don't say it
like it's something to be proud of!
300
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,480
Do you want me to go
and stand outside?
301
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:27,240
Then at break, a load of Year
Elevens from Sedgley's decided to
start a war
302
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,840
with some of our Year Elevens,
so we had police in.
303
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,480
Not before me and Leah got bruised
trying to split 'em all up.
304
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,760
I told you it'd get easier.
305
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,080
I should have gone in for teaching
infants. I could have coped with
them.
306
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,480
Oh, don't lose faith, lad,
I think you're doing very well.
307
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:47,120
I was, last term, when I had
that placement at Caroline's school,
308
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,520
but, oh, this place!
309
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,360
I mean, I like a challenge,
but bloody hell...
310
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,040
I should take Gary up on that
offer to train to be an accountant.
311
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,040
Yeah, you should.
312
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,400
No, you shouldn't.
313
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,680
Ring Caroline.
314
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,800
She said if you were struggling...
315
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,440
I'm not. I'm not struggling.
I'm just...
316
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:11,120
Oh, home time,
I spent an hour consoling Leah.
317
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,680
This is this other trainee, this
lass, she were in tears and they
don't support you.
318
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,240
At Caroline's, all the other staff
were really helpful.
319
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,400
I mean, it's one thing
the kids being shitty,
320
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,880
you expect that,
but when the staff are as well...
321
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,160
Yeah, but why are they like that?
322
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,000
Oh, because they had
a shit time training,
323
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,520
so you're gonna have a shit time -
324
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,960
I think they think it's
character building.
325
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,680
Well, 'appen it is.
326
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:38,440
And you'll not be at that school
forever and I'm very proud of you,
327
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,400
for what it's worth.
328
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:44,160
Hey, right, I'm gonna have to set
off. Once more into the fray.
329
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,920
You can stop and have your tea
if you want, we're not chucking you
out.
330
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,280
Oh, no, I'll...
I'll only end up in more bother.
331
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,160
You'll get a damned sight
more job satisfaction
332
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,000
training young people
to think for themselves
333
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,480
than number crunching for yond.
334
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,120
You think? I'll be seeing you.
335
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,720
Bye, Grando. Ta-ra.
336
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,880
GILLIAN LAUGHS
337
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,160
No way are they offering him
a job at Waverley's!
338
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,840
No, we would!
339
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,600
We will. They do.
340
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,120
He's 82. We have one old lad,
341
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,720
Bill Robertshaw, and he's 85.
342
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,400
Old fella in the Stevenage branch,
he went on till 95.
343
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,680
Exploitation!
344
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,160
Through choice.
He has a heart condition.
345
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,400
They'll... We'll take a view.
346
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,560
What did he mean,
"once more into the fray"?
347
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,840
Great-gran's been spending again.
348
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,280
Oh, she's not been running rings
around him again, has she?
349
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,480
It happens. Marriage.
It's all downhill.
350
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:45,560
Not you two. Obviously.
That's... Not you two.
351
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,440
Put your foot in it there, Gran.
You can pipe down, lady.
352
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,720
Big time. Right down to... Zip.
353
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,040
Bye.
354
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,240
DOG BARKS
355
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,200
Oh! Didn't know you had a dog.
356
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,320
Oh, you don't like dogs, do you?
I'd forgotten.
357
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,120
Come on, in.
358
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,600
Can you make it go away?
359
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,600
Settle down, Ruth.
360
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:32,920
Ruth?!
361
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,240
Yeah, well, it's Flora's idea.
362
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,480
After Ruth, Ben, Reuben
and Judith's Robin Hood thing saga.
363
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,280
Away, away! She's besotted.
Ruth, settle down.
364
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,040
She must like you.
365
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,440
You're looking very well.
366
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,760
Well, it's odd, life -
the places it takes you.
367
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,640
If someone had told me five or six
years ago that I'd be
368
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,480
a single parent to a five-year-old
who isn't biologically mine,
369
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,240
living in an old farmhouse
in West Yorkshire,
370
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,800
head of what was, and still is,
a very difficult school,
371
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,240
well, I don't know
what I'd have thought.
372
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,640
But if they'd told me on
top of all that
373
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:14,720
that I was the happiest
I'd ever been...
374
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,480
..I don't know,
I'm not sure I'd have believed them.
375
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,160
Are you...seeing anyone?
376
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,960
Tell me about Lawrence. Suppose you
wouldn't tell me if you were.
377
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,240
I've got nothing to hide.
Tell me about Lawrence.
378
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,720
Oh, well...
379
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,000
..he's still weighing up
his options.
380
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,760
Still doing nothing all day.
381
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,160
You know you enable him
to do nothing all day.
382
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,920
You and Judith.
383
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,160
He's... Yes, it's difficult.
384
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,760
Do you still see much
of what's-his-name?
385
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,160
The father, Flora's father.
386
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,040
Oh, Greg. Yes. Greg.
387
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,520
Can never remember his name.
He has her every other weekend.
388
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,440
Well, it doesn't always work out
like that, but he's very good,
389
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,280
and she's very fond of him
and...and so am I.
390
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,800
You were telling me about Lawrence.
391
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,400
Still not signed on,
still not applied for any jobs,
392
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,720
still not going back to college.
393
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,960
You know, it's all well and good
you saying that we enable him...
394
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,560
Well, you do. She enables you too.
She's made so much money
395
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,320
that you can afford to
sit around all day doing nothing,
396
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,800
but she's not doing
either of you any favours.
397
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,720
Let's not fight.
398
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,080
Gillian keeps her dog outside.
399
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,480
So why are you here?
400
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,280
Ah, well...
If not to talk about Lawrence?
401
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,120
It's Judith. She's coming to your
school next week.
402
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,800
Yes, she is.
403
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,560
Yes, she's one of
my inspirational women, ironically.
404
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,240
Anyway, there you go.
405
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,200
Michelle Obama, Baroness Chakrabarti
and now Judith.
406
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,080
I know, but...
407
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,320
..have to hand it to her -
her books are extraordinary.
408
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:48,000
I really don't begrudge her
a shred of her success.
409
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,840
When I see a child who we all
thought would never become a reader,
410
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,840
pick up a book through choice
and become entirely engrossed.
411
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,600
Yes, she's certainly made an impact.
412
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:00,960
Yeah, but it's across the board.
413
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,400
The ones who struggle to read love
her, the ones who love reading love
her.
414
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,760
Right the way from Year Seven
up to the Sixth Form.
415
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,800
I mean, I realise she's probably
not the easiest person to live with.
416
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,400
Sorry.
417
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,360
I'm sure she'll be very good
if she's on form.
418
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,160
If she's on form,
she'll be excellent.
419
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,280
It's just...
420
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,600
..if she isn't.
421
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,840
This is why I thought
I ought to talk to you. She's, um...
422
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,960
..lapsed once or twice recently and
there was an event that she had
423
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,040
to pull out of a few weeks ago.
424
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,440
And, well, not to put too
fine a point on it,
425
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,840
the organisers struggled
to avert a bloodbath,
426
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,480
what with all the disappointed fans,
427
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,480
so I just wanted to flag up that you
might want to think of a plan B
428
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,840
in the event of, um...
Really?
429
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,320
It's bewildering, the effect
she has on people.
430
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,920
Kids.
431
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,440
Well, not just kids always.
432
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,920
It's like she's become some
kind of...
433
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,320
..rock star. Oh, good Lord.
434
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,680
The students can't believe
she's coming.
435
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,880
Certainly they'd be
very disappointed if, um...
436
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,440
Oh, dear.
437
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,640
The publisher's appointed a little
PA
438
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,960
to try and avert the same thing
happening again, I assume.
439
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,960
I don't think that's
how they sold it to her.
440
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,720
They said they thought she needed
someone to help with the day-to-day,
441
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,320
so she could concentrate
on her writing.
442
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,400
But, yeah.
443
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,240
So she turned up last week
444
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:26,960
and she's become something of a
permanent fixture about the house.
445
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:29,560
Odd little woman.
446
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:35,240
But, yeah, so hopefully, hopefully,
you won't have a problem, but as
I say...
447
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:38,840
DOG WHINES
..just wanted to flag it up.
448
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,520
How's Celia...and Alan?
449
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:47,280
Well, they bought a bungalow above
Ripponden eight or nine months ago.
450
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:51,000
Lawrence must have told you.
It's...it's very nice.
451
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,280
But, um, I don't know.
I mean, seven years on.
452
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,160
I mean, he's so sweet, Alan,
he's so kind,
453
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,240
and I just worry that sometimes...
I mean, she runs rings round him.
454
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,720
And I do sometimes wonder
455
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:08,280
if just occasionally he might, well,
not rue the day he met her exactly,
456
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,880
but something a bit like that.
No.
457
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,040
No, I don't believe that.
Oh, I don't know.
458
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,600
Did you ever finish that novel
you were writing about all of us?
459
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:20,960
It wasn't about...
460
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,080
Yes, it was. It was.
461
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,280
No. No, I didn't.
462
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,040
I sometimes think if Romeo and
Juliet hadn't died when they did,
463
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,080
they'd just have fallen out anyway
eventually.
464
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,480
Maybe I should dig it up again.
465
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,720
Probably when the kids became
teenagers and started damaging the
house.
466
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,680
You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Is the muse not with you?
467
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,680
No, I think she cleared off
a while since.
468
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,520
What is the muse? Inspiration?
Where does it come from?
469
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,160
Love.
470
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,280
Being in love.
471
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,360
That thing that makes you feel...
472
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,200
..alive.
473
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,760
Thank you.
474
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,920
Bye. Good night.
475
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,960
TV BLARES IN BACKGROUND
476
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,200
I'm back!
477
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,560
Said I wouldn't be late.
Everything all right?
478
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,600
How was she, the old love?
479
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,760
She's got a dog.
You didn't tell me she had a dog.
480
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:40,720
She'll be keeping sheep next.
481
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,560
I forgot.
482
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:43,560
Rustic chic.
483
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,800
You watch, she'll be making her own
cheeses before we know what's going
on.
484
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:49,160
She should team up with Gillian,
485
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,440
they could enter their cheeses
at the village fête.
486
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,320
What have you been doing
with yourself all day?
487
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,160
Earning loads of money as usual.
488
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,680
No, don't thank me.
489
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,120
Not you. Him.
490
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,920
Angus came round.
491
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,680
Just for a change.
492
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,240
You didn't apply for any jobs, then,
or anything radical?
493
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:10,080
Oh, don't you just hate that tone?
We are working on something.
494
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,240
Reminds me of my dad.
What does that mean?
495
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:17,120
He used to do that. That shitty
passive-aggressive thing.
496
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,760
Me and Angus...
He was a prick as well.
497
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,120
..we're working on something,
we have been for a while.
498
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:23,480
Paid?
499
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,000
Work? Potentially, yeah.
500
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,240
Oh.
501
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,760
Good. Good.
You'll have to tell me about it.
502
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,960
Oh, and don't forget it's your
mother's birthday on Friday.
503
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,680
Lawrence! She's doing a meal over
at Gillian's if you want to go,
504
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,440
if you can be bothered.
505
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,560
I can put that in the family diary
for you, if you'd like.
506
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,640
Your ex-wife's birthday.
507
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,440
Right. Thank you.
508
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,480
It's Caroline, isn't it?
509
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:58,800
Caroline, yes.
510
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,560
I'm looking to get rid
of the wine rack.
511
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,000
It doesn't help her,
having a partner who drinks.
512
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,400
I know you'll have thought
about that.
513
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:17,160
Oh, and old Uncle What's-his-name's
coming over from New Zealand.
514
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,240
Alan's brother.
515
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:22,080
And, oh, my God, Alan has applied
for a job in a supermarket
516
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,080
to get away from Celia.
517
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:30,680
I must go back to that grown-up
novel I was writing years ago about
your family.
518
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,000
Mm, for sure.
519
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,080
Did you hear what I said?
520
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,400
Morning. Hey.
521
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,840
Thanks. Ta-ra.
522
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:21,560
Hm.
523
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,200
PHONE RINGS
524
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,600
Hello?
525
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,640
Oh. Hello, Martin.
526
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,480
It's Martin.
527
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,600
Who? From Bespoke Valley Kitchens.
528
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,240
I'm gonna have to get off,
I don't want to be late.
529
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,440
Sorry, Martin, I'm having
two conversations. Hang on.
530
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,200
Go on, Martin.
531
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:13,200
Oh, that's wonderful,
I'll put it on the calendar.
532
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,560
He can start next Wednesday.
I'm going to be late.
533
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,360
OK. Well, wish me luck!
534
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:23,120
I don't know why you're doing this.
It's not as if we need the money.
535
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,800
Right, ta-ta.
536
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,600
Oh. Yes?
537
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,880
Oh, yes, yes, I'll be organised. Mm.
538
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:35,600
No, if we're without a cooker for a
couple of days, that's no hardship.
539
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,240
We'll go to my daughter's in Hebden.
540
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,000
She's a head teacher. Mm.
541
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,160
Had Michelle Obama there last year.
542
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,640
Morning. Morning!
543
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,120
Morning. Morning.
544
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:18,400
Stop that little twat!
545
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,120
Hey, steady on, lad.
546
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:29,640
Little sod.
Argh! He's breaking me arms.
547
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,560
You're a witness.
I haven't done owt.
548
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:35,000
You've been thieving again,
Harrison. No, I have not. Get off!
549
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,040
Stop wriggling.
He's interfering with me. Help!
550
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,560
Inappropriate touching. Help.
Paedo alert. Help!
551
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,080
Pockets the size of Texas, this one.
552
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,720
I've paid for all these items.
No, you haven't!
553
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,760
I've been watching you.
I can show you me receipt.
554
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:50,080
Really? I put it in that bin
over there. No, you didn't!
555
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,960
If you let go of me, I'll dig it
out for you. Let you go?
556
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:53,880
Do I look stupid?
557
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,760
You do a bit, if I'm being honest.
Are you all right, sir?
558
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:02,760
Er, yeah, I've got an interview
for a job with a Mr Awad.
559
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,240
I'll take you up.
I'm going that way myself
560
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,000
with this little tea leaf. Argh!
561
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,840
I'll have to get my tetanus now!
562
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,760
You bite me, you little sod,
and I'll bite you back - harder!
563
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,080
Which school do you go to?
564
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:23,480
St Bart's up Holywell Green.
565
00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:24,720
Do you hell. I do.
566
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:28,080
Isn't that a private school?
That's right.
567
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,360
Who pays for you to go there?
My father.
568
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,160
Every word is a lie.
569
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,760
He drives me there in his Maserati
and he lives in Dubai.
570
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,280
Yeah, OK. When he's here.
He's not always here.
571
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:43,000
Once he dropped me off in his
Chinook. That caused a furore.
572
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,760
Did it?
573
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,160
This fella's just jealous.
574
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,360
Hey, hey don't do that.
575
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,600
Gives a poor impression. And your
fingers are all mucky, you see?
576
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,280
Thanks a lot. See you later.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
577
00:30:58,280 --> 00:30:59,560
Right, who's next?
578
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,360
Oh. Hello. In you come.
579
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,240
All of you.
Er, I'm... In!
580
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:12,640
Always the same faces, isn't it?
Hm? Why is that?
581
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,680
I'm not actually with these.
I've come about a job.
582
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,320
I've got an interview with you.
583
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:21,360
Well, I did have at quarter to ten.
584
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,080
Oh, Mr Buttershaw?
Ellie's grandad. Hello.
585
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:26,840
And I was here. I wasn't late.
586
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,160
Only I got caught up in this...
587
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,680
Altercation. Bit of a tussle.
588
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,680
How's the wife, Mr Awad?
Still struggling with her weight?
589
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,960
Me and Harrison go back a few
months.
590
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,760
So, when will you know anything?
591
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,800
Oh, I don't know. He seemed
optimistic. Yeah. Nice fella.
592
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,000
Story of my life with you, this.
593
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,640
I come up with a fabulous new idea
to earn a few quid,
594
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,760
and you wangle it your way.
595
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:00,600
Did you fill the form in properly?
Yes.
596
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:01,880
And did you press send?
597
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,360
Why do they have to make everything
so complicated?
598
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,520
Anyway, yeah, I was telling
you about this kiddy.
599
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:16,000
So I drove him home
and I paid for what he'd pilfered.
600
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,680
And I shan't tell Celia any of this.
601
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,920
I drove him home...
Nay, you soft turnip.
602
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,920
He could have mugged you.
603
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,680
No, no, no, he were
a puny little thing.
604
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,400
And he wasn't malicious.
605
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:30,280
He was hungry, you could see.
606
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,960
Only I shan't tell her
because she'd go mad with me
607
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,600
for letting him sit in t'Lexus.
He was mucky.
608
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,280
Not malicious?
You said he bit t'other fella.
609
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:42,520
Well, yes, he did, but, er...
610
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:46,280
Well, he was cornered, wasn't he?
And he'd...
611
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:47,760
What?
612
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,560
He'd stolen a meal.
613
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,160
A square meal.
614
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,320
That's what upset me.
615
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:56,880
I mean, a little kiddy shouldn't
have to forage for his tea.
616
00:32:56,880 --> 00:33:00,680
I mean, I know you hear about
stuff on the news.
617
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,280
Folks living in poverty, but...
618
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,640
..it's not every day...
619
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,360
..you come face-to-face with it.
620
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:13,240
Well, did they not call t'police?
Or social services?
621
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:14,800
Police aren't interested.
622
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:16,880
They've got enough on.
623
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,560
Social services, I don't know,
I assume they're the same.
624
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:23,400
Understaffed, underfunded,
struggling to get on top of it all,
625
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,360
so I offered to bail him out.
626
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:28,400
Yeah, they all jumped at it.
627
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:29,880
So you drove him home...
628
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,120
Well, I tried to, yeah.
629
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:34,640
To have a word with his parents.
630
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,280
That was the idea.
631
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,240
Are you a millionaire, then, Alan?
632
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:39,760
Oh, I wish!
633
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:42,960
No, actually, d'you know, Harrison,
I don't.
634
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,360
I'm all right as I am.
635
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,360
I'm just comfortable.
636
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,320
Is Harrison your real name?
637
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,800
This car must be worth a bit.
Well, it was when we got it.
638
00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:00,800
I think if we traded it in now, we'd
be lucky to get owt much for it.
639
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,760
No, your high-performance car
will depreciate.
640
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,800
He had a very impressive vocabulary,
641
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,320
for somebody ingrained
so comprehensively in muck.
642
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,320
Hey, I asked you a question.
643
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,320
Me name?
644
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,400
Mm. Well...
645
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:18,800
..it's as real as any other.
646
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:23,520
I answer to it,
which is what matters.
647
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,240
It's been a delight talking to yer.
Which house is it?
648
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,760
It's that one over there.
649
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:31,640
Come on, then.
650
00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:35,640
What y'gonna to say to 'em?
Well, jus...just that, er,
651
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,480
I'm gonna explain
you got caught pilfering.
652
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,640
And I might offer
a few tentative suggestions.
653
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:43,760
What's "tentative"?
654
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:46,840
Er... Gentle,
655
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,040
with overtones of well-intentioned.
656
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:51,720
I like words.
657
00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:53,120
I've noticed.
658
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,120
I collect 'em.
They don't cost owt.
659
00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:05,560
Hey!
660
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:12,560
Only it wasn't his house.
HE SIGHS
661
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:14,920
No. Elderly couple.
Knew nowt about him.
662
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,200
Ah. You're well shot of him
by t'sound o' things.
663
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:21,120
You're dozy,
letting him get in your car.
664
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:22,800
He could accuse you of all sorts.
665
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,880
Oh, I tell you, he wasn't nasty.
666
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:27,440
He were just...
667
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:30,160
..a little motormouth.
668
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,800
He was actually quite entertaining.
669
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:40,080
Do you remember Frank Dodsworth?
670
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:41,760
When we were kids.
671
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:43,720
Lived down t'back of Melway Street.
672
00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:46,640
Er... Oh, God, aye.
673
00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:48,600
Skid Alley, me dad called it.
674
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:50,080
Reminded me of him.
675
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,000
Hm. Way he looked.
676
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,720
He were a poor specimen, wasn't he?
677
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,840
Muck ingrained.
678
00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:00,200
D'you remember? Bad teeth.
679
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,240
Stank like a poke o' monkeys.
680
00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:05,520
He once asked
if he could come and play.
681
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,240
Round at our house. I said no.
682
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:11,040
We'd only be five.
683
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,000
Six 'appen, I don't know.
684
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,520
It's always bothered me.
I could have let him.
685
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,560
It wouldn't have hurt, would it?
686
00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,760
Only I knew me mother'd not like it.
687
00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:28,400
I've often wondered
what happened to him.
688
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,000
I've never heard owt about him.
689
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:34,760
I don't think I ever saw him again
after we all went up to t'grammar
school.
690
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:36,080
1948.
691
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,000
I have wondered if, er...
692
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,680
..if they knocked him about.
693
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:43,160
Worse.
694
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,160
He were a quiet lad.
695
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:50,280
When's Ted coming?
696
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,040
Fair took me back. Little kid.
697
00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,800
What? Oh, Saturday. Why?
698
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,280
Just changing t'subject.
699
00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:11,760
An alcoholic? Well, issues
with alcohol. God.
700
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:15,120
That's terrible.
701
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,360
So... Well, for her, yeah.
702
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,160
God, who'd have thought it?
703
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:22,360
Well... Successful people -
704
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:25,160
you just assume
they live in this perfect world
705
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,640
and they do Pilates
and eat vegan and don't drink.
706
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:29,720
Poor woman.
707
00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:34,480
Anyway, the point is, I've been
advised to come up with a B plan,
708
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,040
just in case she's, um...
709
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:40,360
B plan? I don't think there is
a B plan.
710
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,320
If you've got Judith Tyzack coming
here and she turns up legless,
711
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,000
I think you're fucked.
712
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:49,240
Well, dwell on it,
give it some thought.
713
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:50,880
Er, the other thing...
714
00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:52,520
The other thing?
715
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,640
Would you like to do the Q&A
instead of me?
716
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:57,320
I'm not copping out,
I just think that,
717
00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,880
well, you know her books
and her characters better than I do.
718
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,280
And, um... Well, if there an issue
719
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,600
and we need to get her off stage,
I can always interrupt,
720
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,400
I can always come up with some
random reason to interrupt things.
721
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,720
Er... Are you serious?
722
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,080
Oh, well, I'm happy to do it,
I'm not dumping it on you,
723
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:20,720
I just thought...
No. Oh, my God,
724
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:24,880
I get to interview Judith Tyzack,
are you serious?
725
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,800
Yeah.
726
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,280
Yeah. That's the idea.
727
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,880
Oh, my God, I love you, Caroline.
728
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,640
Oh, steady on.
729
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:35,960
I'm serious. I've said it before
and I'll say it again,
730
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:37,960
what you've done for this school
is phenomenal,
731
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:40,480
and I don't think you have any idea.
732
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:42,040
No, I do.
733
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,960
I used to fantasise about teaching
Shakespeare to sixth formers.
734
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:48,960
I...I used to fantasise
about having a sixth form.
735
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:52,760
I didn't think it would happen,
not here.
736
00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:54,640
Now...
737
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,360
..they're fighting to come here,
to study the fucking stuff!
738
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,040
Well, their parents are.
739
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:01,920
No, don't...don't swear.
740
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,240
Not here.
741
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:05,520
Sorry, I'm getting excited.
742
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:09,320
I just wondered if you fancied going
through the questions together.
743
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:10,960
Beforehand.
744
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:13,440
If you wanted to come for dinner,
I could cook.
745
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:14,960
I'd love that.
746
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:18,200
It's just, um... Sure.
747
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:19,240
..a little more relaxed at home,
748
00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,400
and such a high-profile visitor,
it's important to be well-prepped.
749
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:24,520
God. Course.
750
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,840
I will faint if she speaks to me.
751
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:30,000
No, you won't.
No, I will.
752
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,680
I'll do something
mad and embarrassing.
753
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,040
I'll shit myself, or something.
754
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,160
Well, perhaps I should
ask someone else.
755
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:40,800
No.
756
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:42,600
No, no, no. No.
757
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:45,000
No, no, no, no, no, no.
758
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,880
How're things at home?
759
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:50,960
Oh, he's...still in the spare room.
760
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,640
Ah!
761
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,560
What about the weekend? Saturday?
762
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,000
I'm busy Friday, it's my birthday.
763
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,760
Well, it's my joint birthday
with my step sister.
764
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:05,440
We, er, take it in turns
to cook for the family, so...
765
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,040
Saturday? Um...
766
00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:11,440
Yeah. Yeah, good.
767
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:15,320
Oh, good.
PHONE BUZZES
768
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,720
Your birthday. God, um...
769
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,320
Hello! It's my mother.
770
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,720
How did he get on? Hello?
Hi, Mum.
771
00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:25,280
Is that you? Yes, hello.
772
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,800
How did Alan get on at the
supermarket?
773
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,280
He's applied for a job
at a supermarket.
774
00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:30,560
Caroline? Yes.
775
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:31,760
He's 82.
776
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:34,200
It's your mum. Yes, hello.
777
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:35,640
I've just had New Zealand
on the phone.
778
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,240
Hm. Really?
779
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:40,240
Nadine, Ted's daughter,
all in a flap.
780
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:42,000
They didn't know where he was.
781
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,080
I'd better go. What?
782
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,080
Ted! They didn't even know
he'd got on an aeroplane.
783
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,720
Blimey.
784
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,840
That's, um... Is he, er...?
785
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:53,920
How, er...?
786
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,800
And I can't get hold of Alan,
cos he'll have switched his phone
off
787
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,960
for this interview, and it won't
occur to him to switch it on again.
788
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,760
Oh, he's here, I'll have to go.
789
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:07,560
Oh, hell's bells, he's brought
his pet nitwit with him again.
790
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,160
Oh. Oh, OK.
791
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,000
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.
792
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:12,920
Oh...
793
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:22,920
Celia. There you go.
794
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:23,960
Ta.
795
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,720
There.
796
00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:31,600
Are your socks clean?
797
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:35,080
I thought you were having a new
kitchen.
798
00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:37,400
We are, it doesn't mean
I want this one mucked up.
799
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:40,520
Harry's come to help me sort out
that shelving in the greenhouse.
800
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,760
I thought we were getting
a proper fella in.
801
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:45,000
Aren't you going to ask
how my interview went?
802
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:48,320
No, we have more pressing concerns.
803
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,600
I need to talk to you. In here.
804
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:53,280
Oh, OK.
805
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,040
I'm not exactly sure
I've got to the bottom of it,
806
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:00,040
but I've had New Zealand
on the phone.
807
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:02,440
They had no idea he'd gone.
808
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:04,800
No idea he'd set off.
809
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,200
There's been some sort of bust-up
between him and the kids.
810
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,280
Well, who have you spoken to?
811
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:12,680
Nadine. She wanted you, obviously,
but you weren't here, so...
812
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:14,600
What have they had a bust-up over?
813
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,920
Money. What else?
But that isn't the point.
814
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,840
Well, it's a point.
815
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:23,240
But what she was most going on
about was that he, Ted...
816
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:25,720
..has started with dementia.
817
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:30,480
Hence, they think, him having made
some odd decisions lately.
818
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:31,360
Like what?
819
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,280
Well, she didn't enlarge.
820
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,800
Except...he's sold his house
on Green Lane.
821
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:38,640
Has he been diagnosed?
822
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:40,320
For 1.5 million!
823
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:42,640
Well, she didn't say,
and I didn't ask.
824
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:44,200
1.5 million?!
825
00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:46,680
But the point is, yeah,
she's worried about him.
826
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:50,000
She's worried about him
getting here in one piece.
827
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,440
As, apparently, he's got
a two-day stopover in Hong Kong
828
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,480
and he often can't find
his sock drawer,
829
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:57,360
let alone a connecting flight.
830
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:00,840
How's he got 1.5 million
for that house?
831
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:05,120
Well, when he bought it in 1950,
it was in the middle of nowhere.
832
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:08,320
Now it's very desirable
suburban Auckland.
833
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,920
So the point is, she's worried
that he'll have landed in Hong Kong,
834
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:15,400
wondering where he is,
and what the hell he's doing there.
835
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:18,560
Well, if he's that bad,
how's he managed to organise
836
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,240
a flight in the first place?
837
00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:21,680
His cleaning lady.
838
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,960
She was the one that told Nadine
what was going on -
839
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:24,800
they hadn't a clue.
840
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,760
She helped him pack and get on
his flight, and Nadine's livid.
841
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:31,840
He paid her, this cleaning lady,
to get him get to the airport
842
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,960
and not tell the family
until he was in the air.
843
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:35,720
Well, have they rung the airline?
844
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:37,800
Well, I think one of them
said they had,
845
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:40,080
but I don't think
they were any the wiser.
846
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:41,720
When's he due in Hong Kong?
847
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:44,840
The airline would know whether
he'd got on the flight, or not.
848
00:43:44,840 --> 00:43:46,800
I'm just telling you what I know.
849
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:51,040
And he'll still have to
negotiate his way through Heathrow,
850
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:53,400
for the other flight up here!
Mm.
851
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:55,920
Even if he gets out of Hong Kong.
852
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:58,480
Mm, that's a mine field.
853
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:01,920
I've never walked so far in my life
as getting through Heathrow.
854
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:06,040
I thought I'd walked to New Zealand
by the time we got on that plane.
855
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:07,840
Has she rung his mobile?
856
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,520
Oh, she said he wouldn't answer,
not to her.
857
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,280
Something's obviously
gone very wrong between them.
858
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:18,080
But he'd answer to you.
859
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:21,160
Well, not when he's in the air,
obviously.
860
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,920
I didn't know he'd started
with dementia.
861
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:25,800
Well...
862
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:28,920
..he'll have been hiding it,
won't he? Like folk do.
863
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:30,960
Or...trying to.
864
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,720
CORK POPS
Hey!
865
00:44:35,720 --> 00:44:41,680
So, wow, he's loaded.
Well, we don't know that.
866
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:43,280
We know he's sold his house.
867
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:45,120
What's the exchange rate like?
868
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:49,000
One New Zealand dollar
is worth 52p sterling.
869
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:52,840
Oh, you've googled it?
It was me, not Celia.
870
00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:58,120
So he's worth 750,000, then.
In theory.
871
00:44:58,120 --> 00:44:59,960
Well, unless he's spent it.
872
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,120
Happen that's why
they've all fallen out with him.
873
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:03,600
Or he's not shelling it out.
874
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:05,680
Well, why should he?
875
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:09,200
If it's his,
that he's worked all his life for.
876
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:12,720
I wasn't saying he should
or he shouldn't, I was just...
877
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:15,480
They all expect a hand-out
these days.
878
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,280
How many children has Ted got?
Four.
879
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,200
Nadine and Simon and... Who else?
880
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,400
Janet and Kevin.
881
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:25,040
And then how many grandchildren
and great-grandchildren?
882
00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:26,960
Oh, I lose track.
883
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:29,720
12, I think, at last count.
884
00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:32,000
And do we know any more
about where he actually is?
885
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:34,480
Well, I left him a message
on his mobile,
886
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,560
and he should get it
when he lands at Heathrow.
887
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:39,560
If he lands at Heathrow.
888
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:43,080
And if he can fathom
how to turn on his mobile phone.
889
00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:45,920
We might have to borrow
the Jag tomorrow.
890
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,760
Oh, might you?
891
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,800
Well, we can't pick him up in the
Lexus, cos that back seat's tiny.
892
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:53,240
And he'll have all his luggage.
893
00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:56,440
These two only just squeeze
in after school.
894
00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:58,960
Can't see Ted squashing in,
he's a big fella.
895
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:02,840
We can take the Landy. We can all go
pick Uncle Ted up. Yay!
896
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,720
I'm coming.
897
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,280
Can I come? Am I coming?
898
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:08,960
Can Flora come?
Yes, we'll see.
899
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:09,800
Right.
900
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,680
Oh!
901
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:16,320
Happy birthday, Gillian.
Happy birthday, Caroline.
902
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:17,920
Bottoms up. Up yours.
903
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:21,080
Ooh, 53 at last. Wa-hey.
904
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:23,800
Many happy returns, both of you.
Happy birthday.
905
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:29,880
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
906
00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,760
# Happy birthday,
dear Gillian and Caroline... #
907
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:36,000
Thank you. Thank you.
908
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:37,640
# Happy birthday to you! #
909
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:39,200
Thank you. Thank you.
910
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,800
God, isn't it weird
you were both born on the same day?
911
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,440
Ah! Statistically, no.
912
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:49,240
There are 7.6 billion people
on the planet,
913
00:46:49,240 --> 00:46:52,560
and 365 days in the year,
so statistically...
914
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,280
Oh, what does that mean?
915
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,880
Oh, um...
916
00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:01,120
It means that, on any one given day,
917
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:03,720
there's a shedload of birthday cake
on the planet.
918
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:05,000
LAUGHTER
Yup!
919
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:11,240
That is 20.8 million people
on any one given day.
920
00:47:11,240 --> 00:47:14,080
You didn't just work that out.
921
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:17,880
Well, I think it's lovely.
Yeah, so do I.
922
00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:20,520
Just another sign from upstairs
923
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:24,240
that all this was meant to be.
924
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:26,640
What, you mean the woodworm?
Sorry?
925
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:29,000
We've got woodworm. Upstairs.
926
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,400
Oh, have you? That's a nuisance.
927
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:34,440
Mm, yeah, and it's gonna cost
millions to get it fixed.
928
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:35,680
Millions? Well, a lot.
929
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:37,840
Otherwise, roof's gonna collapse.
930
00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:40,240
Will it collapse
while we're in bed?
931
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,560
No! No, it's not gonna...
You've scared her now.
932
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:45,320
It's not gonna collapse,
cos we're gonna get it fixed.
933
00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:48,640
What's all this face pulling?
934
00:47:50,720 --> 00:47:52,960
Sorry?
You two.
935
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:57,480
It's nothing,
just a bit of wind.
936
00:47:57,480 --> 00:48:00,480
It'll be the champagne.
937
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:03,040
You're transparent.
938
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:04,280
HE SIGHS
939
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:05,560
Well, yeah.
940
00:48:07,600 --> 00:48:12,440
Yeah, I've, er, said
I'd lend it to our Gillian,
941
00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:15,960
what she needs for this, er,
woodworm.
942
00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:20,000
And how much is it?
943
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,320
Money and fair words.
944
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:24,960
How much?
945
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:26,040
CLEARS THROAT
946
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:30,800
5,700 and summat.
It's just till she can pay me back.
947
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,320
We might have to, er,
put the kitchen on hold.
948
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:38,040
For a month or two, that's all.
949
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:40,800
Right.
950
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:44,880
It's very difficult for her
at the minute, financially,
951
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:48,680
with her having bought those
ten acres and expanded the flock.
952
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:52,840
Yeah. I was going to talk to you,
but, er...
953
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:55,600
..we've had all on.
954
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:58,640
It is an emergency.
Seriously, Celia.
955
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,360
If I can...
956
00:49:10,360 --> 00:49:11,680
OK.
957
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:20,520
Did the boys both send you
a birthday card, Caroline?
958
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:23,520
William did, Lawrence didn't.
959
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,040
Well, he rang me.
960
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:27,920
Who did?
Lawrence, your Lawrence. Yesterday.
961
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:30,720
Not to do with birthdays,
although I did remind him.
962
00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:34,880
He...he wants to come over
cos he's making a documentary.
963
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,680
A doc...? Is he? What about?
964
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,640
Sheep. Him and Angus.
965
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:45,400
They make documentaries,
and then they post them on YouTube.
966
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:46,680
Mum, they're not documentaries.
967
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:49,400
Little short ones. Are they not?
No. Well, they're something.
968
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:51,360
He's bringing a camera.
Oh, well, very good.
969
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:54,160
We thought he wasn't doing
very much, didn't we?
970
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:56,120
Lawrence.
971
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,920
They do a YouTube channel.
972
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:04,040
And they don't make documentaries,
Mother. They review things.
973
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:08,400
Review things? What, like what?
Films? No.
974
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:13,160
Books? No, like one week
they reviewed a used teabag.
975
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:16,480
And then another week
they reviewed a fly
976
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:19,160
one of 'em had squashed against
a window.
977
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,080
Sorry. People watch this?
Yeah.
978
00:50:21,080 --> 00:50:24,360
People watch any old shit,
don't they, on YouTube.
979
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:27,640
I mean it's...it's comic...
Well, it's meant to be comical.
980
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:30,000
And do they make money?
They don't make money.
981
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,480
You can do, if you get enough hits.
982
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:36,240
It isn't rude, is it?
No, it's just juvenile.
983
00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:37,720
And what do they call themselves?
984
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:40,560
LAADS.
985
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:43,280
Lawrence And Angus Do Stuff.
986
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:48,040
The thing is, people do make money.
Some people make thousands.
987
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:51,360
And what are they doing here?
What're they reviewing here? Me?
988
00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:54,400
A sheep, by t'sound o' things.
You spoke to him.
989
00:50:54,400 --> 00:50:56,960
It's sort of thing they'd do,
review a sheep.
990
00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:58,480
Or its backside.
991
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:00,600
I should've asked more questions.
992
00:51:00,600 --> 00:51:04,760
Maybe not. Just let 'em get on with
it and charge 'em for the privilege.
993
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:08,360
If they're making thousands.
They won't be making thousands.
994
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:10,960
They'll be deluding themselves
that they could be making thousands
995
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:14,040
if they get enough hits,
which they won't.
996
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:19,000
I'm sorry. I can't just sit
here and say nothing.
997
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,600
This is you all over, Gillian.
998
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:23,280
Manipulating your dad.
999
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:27,640
I mean, never mind the fact that
I have, all my life, been a saver,
1000
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:32,680
so that I can take things a bit
easier and have a few nice things.
1001
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:34,960
No, we have to bail you out,
1002
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:39,880
you who doesn't think beyond
next week, and never has.
1003
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:43,120
Forget it.
1004
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:47,880
No, I shouldn't have asked.
We'll find another way.
1005
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:49,640
No, no, no, hang on, just a minute.
1006
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:52,800
It wouldn't be your money,
it'd be mine.
1007
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:56,800
Yes, but it'd mean I'd have
to stump up a bigger percentage
1008
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,360
to go ahead with the kitchen,
1009
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:02,200
so I would, in effect,
be helping you bail her out.
1010
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:03,160
Can you not see that?
1011
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:05,360
We're talking about a delay,
that's all.
1012
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:07,520
Oh, are we? Yes.
1013
00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:10,640
OK. So what's the timescale?
When can we expect to be paid back?
1014
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:15,400
Oh, don't do this now, Mum,
not in front of the little ones.
1015
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:18,000
Oh, God.
It's always me that's in the wrong.
1016
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,840
The problem is that we've already
put down the deposit.
1017
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:22,760
They've started building the units.
1018
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:26,520
It's custom-built, it's not off the
shelf, and we've got a start date.
1019
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:29,960
We can't suddenly say
we've decided against it,
1020
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,360
we can't afford it. We can delay.
1021
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:35,040
See, we'd done our sums.
1022
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:39,480
Yeah, well, I'd done mine, but, er,
this... This was unforeseen.
1023
00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:41,160
But...
1024
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,000
..forget it.
1025
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:46,960
Look, you can't just go
mucking folk about, tradesmen.
1026
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:50,120
You're lucky to get somebody
who turns up these days,
1027
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:51,280
never mind a proper craftsman.
1028
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,760
We can ask Martin to...
1029
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:56,480
He's running a business.
1030
00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:58,960
It's fine. Dad...
1031
00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:00,840
..honestly, it's...
1032
00:53:03,720 --> 00:53:05,320
We'll find another way.
1033
00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:12,280
PHONE RINGS
1034
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:17,080
That's you, Grando. Hmm? Oh!
1035
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,360
It's Ted. It's Ted!
1036
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:26,960
Ted? Where are you?
1037
00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:33,000
He's in Hong Kong.
He's about to get on a plane.
1038
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:35,520
Are you all right?
1039
00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:38,240
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm champion.
1040
00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:39,320
So...
1041
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,000
Yes, quarter to three,
we'll be there.
1042
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,240
I think we'll all be there,
I think we're all coming.
1043
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:50,000
Yeah, yeah, she's right here.
1044
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,040
Yes. Yeah.
1045
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:55,520
Yes, still a handful, that's right.
1046
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:56,480
HE CHUCKLES
1047
00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:58,480
Would you like a word with her?
1048
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:01,240
No? OK.
1049
00:54:01,240 --> 00:54:03,080
Yeah, you will indeed.
1050
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:05,000
Hey, how much luggage have you got?
1051
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:09,200
A lot, righto.
1052
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:11,800
Right, ta-ta. Ta-ta.
1053
00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:13,520
Well, he seems as right as rain!
1054
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:17,080
I've never heard him sound
more himself.
1055
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:19,000
The plot thickens.
1056
00:54:27,320 --> 00:54:29,960
The black eye, or shiner,
was, contrary to popular belief,
1057
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:32,400
not invented by King Harold in 1066,
1058
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:34,920
but in fact dates back
to the sun god Horus
1059
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:37,040
getting smacked in the eye
by his brother, Set,
1060
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,680
during a tiff over who ruled Egypt.
1061
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:42,440
Now, Angus got his black eye,
or shiner, last night
1062
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:45,200
when he fell over pissed
in a gutter in Harrogate
1063
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:47,240
after a tiff with a big scary bloke,
1064
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:50,360
following an incident involving
the big scary bloke's girlfriend,
1065
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:51,800
who looked like an orangutan.
1066
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,680
Now, Set might have smacked Horus
in the eye,
1067
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:57,920
but Horus kicked Set
in the family jewels. Yow!
1068
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,760
Now, world leaders
such as the Pope and Boy George
1069
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:02,680
have been seen in public
with a black eye,
1070
00:55:02,680 --> 00:55:05,680
and this is thought to be a sign
of belonging to the Illuminati,
1071
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:07,800
or secret society, who will test
1072
00:55:07,800 --> 00:55:11,360
your loyalty, stamina and sense of
humour by smacking you in the eye.
1073
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:14,080
Eating pineapple...
1074
00:55:15,840 --> 00:55:17,760
..smearing toothpaste on it...
1075
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:22,080
..or vapour rub with salt
mixed in...
1076
00:55:22,080 --> 00:55:23,920
..is thought to ease the bruising.
1077
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:27,240
Fucking pineapple water in my eye!
1078
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:31,280
In serious grown-up literature,
like The Hunger Games
1079
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,080
and Shakespeare, there are
any number of black eyes.
1080
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:35,760
Fucking idiot. What are you doing?
1081
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,400
Turning it off! It's going really
well. No, it isn't!
1082
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,080
Well, you're not turning it off.
It's stupid.
1083
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:43,160
We're just going to have to do it
all again now,
1084
00:55:43,160 --> 00:55:44,480
and I've only got two tins
of pineapple chunks.
1085
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,080
It's not even funny.
It's very funny, you fuckwad.
1086
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:48,840
What's a fuckwad even?
1087
00:55:51,120 --> 00:55:53,600
Sit. Stay there.
1088
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:20,720
The thing about not drinking
is you get to this time of the day
1089
00:56:20,720 --> 00:56:23,280
and you're just so fucking bored.
1090
00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:33,160
Anyway, I've been thinking.
1091
00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:41,000
D'you wanna marry me?
1092
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:45,600
Ted! Hello, hello, hello!
1093
00:56:45,600 --> 00:56:46,840
We could put them up
for a couple of nights, couldn't we?
1094
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:49,240
I've no idea who they are.
1095
00:56:49,240 --> 00:56:51,080
Are you fed up of this old face?
1096
00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:53,200
What would you think
if I got married again?
1097
00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:54,960
LAUGHTER
I don't want to hurt her.
1098
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:58,840
Is it all right if I leave
my car here tonight?
1099
00:56:58,840 --> 00:57:01,600
You can stay over, if you like.
Judith's asked me to marry her.
1100
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:04,080
Jesus Christ! What is that?!
1101
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:06,520
You need to come and look at this.
1102
00:57:06,520 --> 00:57:08,840
It's big. It'll be worth millions.
79556
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