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Why cant I ever have normal dreams ?
4
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:48,933
Everybody else gets to dream about,
naked women. Flying. Good sex.
5
00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:52,891
Not me.
6
00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:55,933
I have to dream about an old wrinkly ass,
7
00:01:56,808 --> 00:01:57,600
Mowing the lawn ,
8
00:01:59,058 --> 00:02:02,516
Slow motion.
Butt cheeks of an old man bouncing.
9
00:02:03,933 --> 00:02:05,016
As he mows the lawn.
10
00:02:06,725 --> 00:02:08,350
What the hell is wrong ?
11
00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:16,766
Up all night? busy?
12
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,933
Yeah, writing new comedy.
13
00:02:19,141 --> 00:02:19,641
New comedy?
14
00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:20,100
Yeah
15
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:20,766
I could tell.
16
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:25,350
Ah. Remember our conversation
two weeks ago, Brian?
17
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,058
I don't remember what I drank for breakfast.
18
00:02:28,141 --> 00:02:31,391
Well, two weeks ago, we had a conversation that
I'm turning this place into a strip club
19
00:02:32,516 --> 00:02:34,433
You're getting your mom's old job back?
20
00:02:34,808 --> 00:02:38,433
Yeah. Yes, Brian.
I see the comedy working for you .
21
00:02:39,308 --> 00:02:40,641
To make a long story short. Yes.
22
00:02:41,766 --> 00:02:44,100
So you're supposed to..
I told you this two weeks ago.
23
00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:46,100
My prick landlord .
24
00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:50,725
He's making me homeless
so he can open up a strip club.
25
00:02:51,558 --> 00:02:53,516
Dude, have you ever considered living under a bridge?
26
00:02:53,975 --> 00:02:57,933
Because right now,
I know Nobody that would put you up.
27
00:02:58,975 --> 00:03:00,100
It's not Jeff's fault.
28
00:03:00,558 --> 00:03:04,475
He finds me places to live,
but the pricks keep getting me kicked out
29
00:03:04,808 --> 00:03:09,850
Dude, you're already into me for major money.
I can't afford to bankroll you anymore.
30
00:03:10,808 --> 00:03:12,933
I'd love to start my day with positive thoughts
31
00:03:14,225 --> 00:03:16,808
But what can I do
when I'm surrounded by negative pricks?
32
00:03:18,641 --> 00:03:19,850
Maybe, I should start over.
33
00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:24,141
Come on, Brian.
There has to be a good thought in your head.
34
00:03:26,266 --> 00:03:27,141
Try harder.
35
00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:28,808
Focus on the good things.
36
00:03:30,183 --> 00:03:32,433
Your inventory can't be completely empty.
37
00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:53,725
Me waiting at the end of the driveway
for a dad who's never going to pick me up
38
00:03:56,225 --> 00:03:59,225
Maybe that's better than
the wrinkled ass of a naked man though.
39
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,433
Loneliness. . . Man.
40
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,725
Well, we created you.
41
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,183
Quite a disaster wasn't it?
42
00:04:13,308 --> 00:04:15,266
You just keep sipping that medicine mom.
43
00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:17,558
Until I forget that I exist too.
44
00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:37,766
You know it's customary to say hello,
when you answer the phone.
45
00:04:37,975 --> 00:04:43,100
Yeah, Pat. But it's also customary to not call
a comedian at eight o'clock in the morning.
46
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,475
Well, I have some important news for you.
47
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:46,141
Alright.
48
00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:49,016
Seriously, your ass needs to meet me
in my office in an hour
49
00:04:50,141 --> 00:04:50,766
All right.
50
00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:53,266
Just let me get my head right.
51
00:05:05,933 --> 00:05:07,600
Could you write some jokes for me?
52
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,183
Really?
You want to fuck my wife too?
53
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,016
Don't. Don't answer that.
54
00:05:13,141 --> 00:05:17,266
You know, my jokes are my babies.
They're my children they come from inside .
55
00:05:17,391 --> 00:05:18,183
They are mine.
56
00:05:18,558 --> 00:05:19,641
No, no.
57
00:05:20,725 --> 00:05:23,225
Some comedians have other people write jokes for them.
58
00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:24,433
Yeah, Johnny Carson.
59
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,350
Are you Johnny Carson?
60
00:05:26,641 --> 00:05:28,016
My stepbrother.
61
00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:31,933
Two different dicks made us,
but he's clearly the bigger dick.
62
00:05:33,183 --> 00:05:36,975
In our family.
words just seem to fall out of people's faces
63
00:05:37,350 --> 00:05:40,100
A lways lecture,
but never a point.
64
00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:43,600
Hey, good morning, Jim.
65
00:05:44,016 --> 00:05:46,266
Hey, good morning, Brian.
How are you?
66
00:05:47,308 --> 00:05:49,016
I'm not good asshole.
67
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,225
I tried to wake up two different times trying to forget you.
68
00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:55,141
But you're just a turd that won’t flush
69
00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,891
Wow. Tough crowd.
70
00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:00,475
Brian, you know it has to be important
71
00:07:00,808 --> 00:07:04,350
because I keep calling you and texting you
leaving you messages.
72
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,933
Aint some fucking woman hounding you for child support.
Don’t treat me like I am
73
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:11,641
Call me back asshole,
what the fuck.
74
00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:22,641
See you later honey.
75
00:07:48,683 --> 00:07:51,683
Romeo, Romeo.
76
00:07:52,308 --> 00:07:55,308
Why you keep trying to be Juliet?
77
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:14,141
Do you know that 95% of Americans drive cars?
78
00:08:15,641 --> 00:08:19,225
I'm part of the elite 5% that doesn't drive cars.
79
00:08:20,308 --> 00:08:23,933
They're elitist.
They think that they're saving the planet.
80
00:08:24,183 --> 00:08:26,308
I don't give a shit about saving the planet.
81
00:08:27,683 --> 00:08:32,100
Only reason I don't drive is because
I have too many DUIs.
82
00:08:33,016 --> 00:08:37,141
Driving under the influence
has caused me to not be able to drive
83
00:08:38,141 --> 00:08:42,016
As far as I know,
there's no law against walking under the influence.
84
00:08:42,183 --> 00:08:43,016
So that's what I do.
85
00:08:44,766 --> 00:08:47,058
I walk all the time.
I'm not healthier.
86
00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:50,225
I wear black all the time.
And I don't look any skinnier.
87
00:10:25,516 --> 00:10:26,600
Hey buddy,I need a scotch
88
00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:27,516
Yes you can
89
00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:39,475
You look like a pretty smart guy.
You the manager here?
90
00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:43,183
I am the owner, the manager, the accountant,
and the janitor. I do it all.
91
00:10:44,141 --> 00:10:46,308
You know,
I'm a comedian.
92
00:10:46,766 --> 00:10:47,975
Looking around here this,
93
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:50,933
This would be a pretty good place to do
an open mic comedy night.
94
00:10:51,141 --> 00:10:52,558
Yeah, sounds like a good idea.
95
00:10:52,933 --> 00:10:55,933
Yeah, all I would need is like $100 startup money
96
00:10:56,475 --> 00:10:59,100
Well, look, Brian, I've been in business for 45 years,
97
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:02,516
and I haven't stayed in business that long
by giving away money to people.
98
00:11:03,183 --> 00:11:04,516
You know, hit me again
99
00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:15,516
You know, at least,
at least $50 for posters As start-up money.
100
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,016
Sorry, that's not the way I do business.
101
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,600
It's too bad.
We could have made a lot of money together.
102
00:11:25,475 --> 00:11:26,641
Hey, Brian.
103
00:11:27,058 --> 00:11:29,100
Those drinks aren’t free buddy.
You got to pay for them.
104
00:11:29,266 --> 00:11:31,516
Yeah, I'll get my wallet from my car.
I’ll be right back.
105
00:11:56,725 --> 00:11:57,600
Oh there you are
106
00:11:58,058 --> 00:11:59,558
Why don’t you ever answer your phone?
107
00:12:00,266 --> 00:12:01,933
What’s with the 8,000 phone calls anyway?
108
00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:03,516
Don't be so dramatic.
109
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,308
Listen, mom's headstone got knocked over.
110
00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:10,766
I don't know if it was vandals or what?
But I need some help.
111
00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:14,266
Okay, aren't there people at the cemetery that will do that?
112
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:16,850
I called the people in the cemetery.
Nobody's answered the phone.
113
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:17,766
Can you help me?
114
00:12:19,350 --> 00:12:20,475
Why are you asking me for help?
115
00:12:20,558 --> 00:12:22,016
you're the one that lives in a mansion?
116
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:23,016
yeah,I live in a mansion.
117
00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:24,725
Yeah, I'm getting evicted.
118
00:12:25,016 --> 00:12:26,600
Forget I asked.
Oh, you are getting evicted?
119
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:27,183
Yeah.
120
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:28,225
Oh, it's Tuesday already.
121
00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:30,475
Come on, practice your stand-up somewhere else.
122
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:34,600
I mean, you do the same open mics every week
123
00:12:35,766 --> 00:12:37,600
Yeah, but at least I'm getting paid for it.
124
00:12:37,808 --> 00:12:40,891
Unlike you, you’re lucky if you get one gig year
and don’t get paid for it.
125
00:12:42,475 --> 00:12:44,433
Listen, I'm trying to make it big.
126
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:49,683
You know, I'm trying, you know,
my manager says there's something big on the horizon.
127
00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:52,850
Something big on the horizon?
Look, how about mom’s headstone?
128
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:53,641
Is that on the horizon?
129
00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:59,891
Maybe if I make it big, then you know,
I'll be able to help with money for helping,
130
00:12:59,891 --> 00:13:02,433
I asked you for help.
You're asking all these other people for help.
131
00:13:02,975 --> 00:13:04,850
When somebody asks you for help,
They don’t get any help
132
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,058
I'm not in a position to help you.
But you know, once I score big,
133
00:13:09,058 --> 00:13:10,850
you know, I'll, I'll bring you with me.
134
00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,641
You need to help lift the headstone.
135
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:15,641
That's not me.
136
00:13:16,058 --> 00:13:17,391
That's not you.
It's our mother.
137
00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:19,558
can you help?
138
00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:20,933
Can you picture me lifting something?
139
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,725
You’re ridiculous.
140
00:13:22,975 --> 00:13:24,600
Listen, I have to take a piss.
141
00:13:24,808 --> 00:13:25,766
Yeah take a piss
142
00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:28,100
You’re ridiculous.
143
00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:06,475
How many pills did you steal this time?
144
00:14:07,391 --> 00:14:08,225
You are not my father
145
00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,725
Not your pharmacist either
146
00:14:13,058 --> 00:14:13,641
Seriously.
147
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,266
You should let me stay here.
148
00:14:23,683 --> 00:14:25,016
Seriously,
you shall let me stay here.
149
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:26,225
Let me think about that.
150
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:27,933
No
151
00:14:29,225 --> 00:14:32,350
I help you with mom's headstone.
If you just let me stay here for a couple days,
152
00:14:34,475 --> 00:14:37,225
You should be wanting to help me
with mom's headstone anyway,
153
00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,475
you know, you always,
you always want something.
154
00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:43,725
you can't just give you have to, you know,
155
00:14:45,725 --> 00:14:47,891
there's more to life than just taking Brian.
156
00:14:48,891 --> 00:14:50,391
Sometimes people ask you for things.
157
00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:53,100
You might not want to do them.
But you have to.
158
00:14:54,016 --> 00:14:57,683
That's the way life works.
It's give and take; not just take
159
00:14:59,391 --> 00:15:01,516
Okay, so you gave me your rational shit.
160
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,808
And I'm gonna take your pills and get out of here.
161
00:15:04,725 --> 00:15:05,350
Have a good one.
162
00:15:17,891 --> 00:15:19,183
Pat, You bitch.
163
00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:22,683
You are day drinking now.
Good for you
164
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:27,433
You were supposed to be in my office five hours ago.
165
00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:30,391
You found me. So, no harm, no foul.
166
00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:32,891
Why should I have to come and look for you?
167
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,683
What's this huge news you have for me?
168
00:15:36,891 --> 00:15:42,016
I'm gonna play bartender number three on some pilot
that's never gonna see the light of day.
169
00:15:42,558 --> 00:15:44,850
The guys from the late-night show called me.
170
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,141
Really?
171
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,641
They want to see your act, in a couple of months.
172
00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:51,808
That's awesome news.
173
00:15:52,141 --> 00:15:55,141
So with this great news.
How about an advance?
174
00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:58,933
Not a chance am I lending you any money.
175
00:16:01,183 --> 00:16:05,266
I'm not going to use it for drugs or alcohol,
Pat, you know, maybe I just want to eat
176
00:16:06,225 --> 00:16:07,225
I will cook you a meal.
177
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,183
Come on.
178
00:16:10,391 --> 00:16:15,433
Now, I can't take the chance of you using it to
just go out and party.
179
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,558
This is your big shot.
180
00:16:19,058 --> 00:16:20,308
You can't blow it.
181
00:16:21,516 --> 00:16:25,266
Alright. I'm gonna go get sober.
Okay?
182
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,808
You have to prove it to me.
183
00:16:28,475 --> 00:16:28,933
Of course.
184
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,516
in the next two months.
185
00:16:30,516 --> 00:16:31,183
Yeah.
186
00:16:31,475 --> 00:16:32,266
Tiffany.
187
00:16:33,766 --> 00:16:35,183
My drinks are on the manager.
188
00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:39,225
Don't worry, Pat.
189
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:42,183
I've got my own money this time.
190
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:43,975
Have a good day
191
00:17:15,641 --> 00:17:18,641
listen, guys,
I know that you were here for a night of comedy
192
00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:22,558
But I just about killed my manager backstage
193
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:27,058
because tonight was supposed to be a night where
the late-night show representative was here
194
00:17:27,058 --> 00:17:32,100
so that I could get out of this business of comedy
and start writing and actually making money.
195
00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:36,808
But no, instead I have to do comedy for you morons.
196
00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:38,141
We're not morons.
197
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,641
You’re a moron!
198
00:17:41,183 --> 00:17:45,183
Thank you, Billy Bob, for proving to everybody
how smart you are
199
00:17:45,308 --> 00:17:48,850
by shouting out in the middle of a comedy set.
200
00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:51,350
I was in this very spot.
201
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,641
15 years ago, when I started Comedy,
202
00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,100
15 years ago,
and I'm still here.
203
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,725
That means my career has literally gone nowhere.
204
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:03,475
Just like all of your lives
205
00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:07,891
I should just give up
because I'm telling. I'm telling highbrow comedy.
206
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:12,350
I'm telling intellectual comedy
to people who just aren't going to get it.
207
00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:15,933
You guys just want me to stand up here
and talk about piss and fart.
208
00:18:16,725 --> 00:18:18,183
Just so that you guys can laugh.
209
00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:21,975
But that's not what I want to do.
I want you guys to leave here smarter.
210
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:24,433
But I think it's probably impossible.
211
00:18:25,808 --> 00:18:27,266
I should just ..
listen. You know what?
212
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,350
I'm going to drink every last drop of alcohol
there is on the planet.
213
00:18:31,850 --> 00:18:34,933
I'm going to just take every pill
that there is on the planet
214
00:18:35,516 --> 00:18:37,808
until I'm so high that I don't care anymore.
215
00:18:38,308 --> 00:18:40,766
In fact, does anybody have a gun?
216
00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:42,433
That's hilarious
217
00:21:12,555 --> 00:21:13,680
Where'd you get that?
218
00:21:14,596 --> 00:21:15,263
What does it matter?
219
00:21:18,971 --> 00:21:20,096
What’s in there?
220
00:21:20,138 --> 00:21:21,263
what do you gonna do?
221
00:21:21,430 --> 00:21:23,055
Don't sweat it, it's gonna be fun.
222
00:21:23,641 --> 00:21:25,308
okay?
he’s gonna take a little nap.
223
00:21:26,725 --> 00:21:27,308
You’re not funny
224
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,225
Pat..... u bitch!
225
00:21:33,433 --> 00:21:34,141
Who are you?
226
00:21:34,141 --> 00:21:35,850
No, no, no,
227
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,058
None of that cliched bullshit.
228
00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:39,058
It’s not happening
229
00:21:39,433 --> 00:21:41,100
None of that
Who are you guys?
230
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:43,058
Where am I?
How did I get here?
231
00:21:43,350 --> 00:21:44,183
No, none of that shit
232
00:21:44,558 --> 00:21:47,141
You sit down.
You keep your mouth shut.
233
00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,183
Everything's fine.
You get me.
234
00:21:50,683 --> 00:21:52,058
Okay, so you're not going to kill me right?
235
00:21:52,225 --> 00:21:52,766
Probably.
236
00:21:53,225 --> 00:21:53,850
Probably?
237
00:21:54,016 --> 00:21:54,558
Probably?
238
00:21:55,266 --> 00:21:56,058
Probably Yeah,
239
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,266
You probably should have shared that with me
I wouldn't have signed up for this.
240
00:22:00,391 --> 00:22:01,558
You know you need the money too.
241
00:22:03,391 --> 00:22:07,308
Wait. I am going to get killed
but you're just probably not going to do it?
242
00:22:07,808 --> 00:22:10,225
Sorry man.
Looks like you must have pissed off the wrong guy.
243
00:22:10,933 --> 00:22:13,391
Oh god.
It was the abortion joke.
244
00:22:13,475 --> 00:22:15,141
I know it was the abortion joke.
245
00:22:15,391 --> 00:22:17,016
Wait.
You're a comedian?
246
00:22:17,558 --> 00:22:18,391
Yeah,
247
00:22:18,558 --> 00:22:21,766
Really? That's awesome.
He hates comedians.
248
00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:23,558
Tell us a joke
249
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:24,975
Tell us a joke?
250
00:22:25,850 --> 00:22:29,350
He is an artist he is not gonna able to tell a joke
under this kind of pressure.
251
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:33,475
Tell us a fucking joke.
Consider this as an open mic night.
252
00:22:37,100 --> 00:22:38,558
Okay.
All right.
253
00:22:41,391 --> 00:22:43,016
I like to do impressions.
254
00:22:44,725 --> 00:22:50,725
I like to mix two different celebrities
and do their impressions at the same time.
255
00:22:50,933 --> 00:22:53,391
So here's my impression of
256
00:22:55,766 --> 00:22:58,766
Christopher Reeves and Stephen Hawking.
257
00:22:59,475 --> 00:23:02,100
Oh, you got to tell a joke about a cripple?
You're going to go that way.
258
00:23:02,266 --> 00:23:04,183
You tell you cracking jokes about a cripple?
259
00:23:04,183 --> 00:23:08,600
No, it's not about that they are cripple.
It's about that they're both dead.
260
00:23:09,141 --> 00:23:11,350
It could have been pretty funny .
261
00:23:11,350 --> 00:23:12,141
Disgusting.
262
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:14,766
Whatever. At least I'm funnier than this guy.
263
00:23:15,558 --> 00:23:17,308
Hey, listen. Whatever.
264
00:23:17,433 --> 00:23:21,350
I'm done with this lame shit anyway.
I'm supposed to get a call from our employer.
265
00:23:21,808 --> 00:23:25,225
We get shit for reception here
I'm gonna go outside see if I can find something.
266
00:23:25,725 --> 00:23:26,808
By the way who's Pat.
267
00:23:28,016 --> 00:23:28,766
It’s my agent.
268
00:23:30,183 --> 00:23:31,600
What’s your phone password
269
00:23:33,933 --> 00:23:34,975
Whatever.
270
00:23:43,350 --> 00:23:46,058
Oh my head,
it’s killing me.
271
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,391
Can I get a drink?
272
00:23:56,058 --> 00:23:58,808
please, water.
Anything.
273
00:24:54,058 --> 00:24:54,933
What’s this?
274
00:24:55,225 --> 00:24:55,891
Where is he?
275
00:24:56,725 --> 00:24:57,266
What do you mean?
276
00:24:57,266 --> 00:24:59,391
I went to get him a drink.
Where is he?
277
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,725
Are you fucking kidding me?
He's not in there?
278
00:25:01,725 --> 00:25:03,725
No, he’s not,
I thought he was with you.
279
00:25:03,725 --> 00:25:04,933
Where the hell were you?
280
00:25:04,933 --> 00:25:06,141
I got him a drink.
281
00:25:06,141 --> 00:25:08,016
You got him a fucking drink Sam?
282
00:25:08,016 --> 00:25:11,058
Just stop. Stop. Okay,
283
00:25:11,350 --> 00:25:13,183
we don't Have to do this shit anymore. Knock it off
284
00:25:13,350 --> 00:25:14,141
Knock it off
285
00:25:14,516 --> 00:25:15,266
you don’t understand
286
00:25:15,391 --> 00:25:17,683
Okay? You fucked up. Okay?
287
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:19,975
You cost me my leg. It's done.
288
00:25:20,641 --> 00:25:24,391
I forgive you.
We don't have to do this.
289
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:25,725
Just stop
290
00:25:26,141 --> 00:25:28,891
Sam. Sam we do.
291
00:25:29,016 --> 00:25:33,058
Sam, we're in this already.
We have to get him
292
00:25:33,058 --> 00:25:33,683
why?
293
00:25:34,308 --> 00:25:37,308
Because he can ID us man, he can ID us.
294
00:25:37,308 --> 00:25:38,725
He goes to the cops, we're screwed.
295
00:25:42,975 --> 00:25:44,016
I’m sorry man.
296
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,475
I gotta go get the other gun.
297
00:25:58,183 --> 00:26:00,058
Stay here
298
00:28:22,225 --> 00:28:24,600
Brian,bring me my pills.
299
00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:11,850
Morning,
had a nice nap?
300
00:30:14,933 --> 00:30:15,600
I thought I lost you.
301
00:30:16,933 --> 00:30:18,350
Been running from you for hours.
302
00:30:19,766 --> 00:30:22,225
Hours?
Try 20 minutes. . . tops.
303
00:30:24,433 --> 00:30:26,683
20 minutes?
What the hell are you talking about?
304
00:30:28,141 --> 00:30:30,516
Yeah, and you've been running in circles apparently.
305
00:30:32,850 --> 00:30:33,850
What do you mean circles?
306
00:30:36,808 --> 00:30:41,016
Yeah, you’re back to where you started.
Just like your career. You've gone nowhere.
307
00:30:58,933 --> 00:30:59,850
Get up.
308
00:31:20,266 --> 00:31:21,183
Now what?
309
00:31:23,141 --> 00:31:24,058
Can I use my phone?
310
00:31:24,183 --> 00:31:25,016
Fuck no.
311
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,308
Listen, I'm not going to call the cops or anything.
312
00:31:28,308 --> 00:31:31,308
I don't give a shit who you're going to try and call!
There's no service out here.
313
00:31:33,016 --> 00:31:35,225
I just want to call my girlfriend or my brother.
314
00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:36,683
How is Christine?
315
00:31:37,850 --> 00:31:38,975
How do you know Christine?
316
00:31:39,183 --> 00:31:41,516
Listen, I think you have other things
to worry about right now.
317
00:31:42,391 --> 00:31:43,183
Let's go.
318
00:31:43,391 --> 00:31:45,183
Listen. I just want to apologize.
319
00:31:45,433 --> 00:31:47,391
That’s sweet. Let's fucking go.
320
00:31:51,183 --> 00:31:51,641
No.
321
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:56,266
No.
322
00:31:58,266 --> 00:31:59,766
What the fuck do you mean no?
323
00:32:03,683 --> 00:32:05,141
Do you think I'm fucking playing around?
324
00:32:06,725 --> 00:32:08,058
You don’t think I'm fucking serious?
325
00:32:10,475 --> 00:32:12,308
You must think I'm fucking kidding. Huh?
326
00:32:12,933 --> 00:32:14,683
Motherfucker. Do you think I'm playing with you?
327
00:32:21,516 --> 00:32:27,933
Motherfucker. I've been out here looking for you.
You don't know me. Move your ass.
328
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:33,850
I will fucking end you.
329
00:32:39,808 --> 00:32:40,683
Pull the trigger.
330
00:32:44,433 --> 00:32:45,350
Pull the trigger.
331
00:32:47,308 --> 00:32:48,475
Then you don't get the money.
332
00:32:51,558 --> 00:32:52,850
Then you don't get paid.
333
00:33:04,391 --> 00:33:05,183
Yeah, you’re right.
334
00:33:06,933 --> 00:33:07,641
Yeah, you're right.
335
00:34:25,266 --> 00:34:26,475
My god Sam,
336
00:34:26,475 --> 00:34:27,141
Dont talk
337
00:34:27,975 --> 00:34:28,433
stay with me.
338
00:34:28,558 --> 00:34:29,308
Who shot me?
339
00:34:29,516 --> 00:34:31,475
Why? Why did you come out here?
340
00:34:32,725 --> 00:34:34,100
I thought it was Brian
341
00:34:34,100 --> 00:34:35,683
What are you even doing out here Sam?
342
00:34:35,683 --> 00:34:37,641
What the fuck are you doing out here?
343
00:34:38,350 --> 00:34:42,016
Just wanted to make sure, you're okay.
344
00:34:47,183 --> 00:34:48,266
I'm so sorry.
345
00:34:49,016 --> 00:34:49,850
I'm so sorry.
346
00:34:50,725 --> 00:34:51,600
The accident.
347
00:34:53,391 --> 00:34:53,808
This..
348
00:34:55,558 --> 00:34:57,808
So sorry, I should have listened to you.
349
00:34:57,933 --> 00:34:59,558
I should have listened.
350
00:35:00,683 --> 00:35:01,516
So sorry.
351
00:35:02,808 --> 00:35:03,475
Listen..
352
00:35:04,225 --> 00:35:05,725
please be quiet
353
00:35:11,391 --> 00:35:14,141
I want to listen to the birds.
354
00:35:28,100 --> 00:35:28,683
Sam.
355
00:35:31,766 --> 00:35:32,350
Sam?
356
00:35:41,391 --> 00:35:42,683
Are you going to shoot me now?
357
00:35:45,641 --> 00:35:46,141
Probably.
358
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:54,266
This place opened yet?
359
00:37:55,891 --> 00:37:58,141
I don't know.
I just checked the door and it's locked.
360
00:37:59,016 --> 00:38:00,308
It's been closed for three months.
361
00:38:02,141 --> 00:38:03,350
I don't know what to tell you, man.
362
00:38:03,766 --> 00:38:05,641
What the hell happened to you?
You got into a bar fight?
363
00:38:06,100 --> 00:38:07,016
It’s a long story.
364
00:38:41,350 --> 00:38:43,516
I finding this really hard to believe Brian.
365
00:38:47,516 --> 00:38:48,683
What kind of pills are you on now?
366
00:38:50,891 --> 00:38:51,850
Look at my face, Dave
367
00:38:52,225 --> 00:38:56,516
It's an improvement. That's what happens
when a drunk junkie falls in the gutter.
368
00:39:00,933 --> 00:39:02,683
I know someone's trying to kill me.
369
00:39:04,016 --> 00:39:05,183
I'm not safe.
370
00:39:06,766 --> 00:39:09,391
I don't know where to turn.
I don't know who to trust.
371
00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:13,100
All I ever do was give to you, Brian.
372
00:39:14,308 --> 00:39:17,683
And all you've ever done is take
take take take take take.
373
00:39:21,891 --> 00:39:23,141
I'm really stuck. Dave
374
00:39:23,266 --> 00:39:24,016
You're always stuck.
375
00:39:25,766 --> 00:39:26,266
You know?
376
00:39:27,475 --> 00:39:30,475
You're not going anywhere.
Yet you need money to get there.
377
00:39:31,766 --> 00:39:32,558
Always.
378
00:39:34,100 --> 00:39:35,016
You never go anywhere.
379
00:39:38,266 --> 00:39:38,850
I know
380
00:39:39,933 --> 00:39:40,808
I'm the fuck up.
381
00:39:42,516 --> 00:39:44,016
You're the successful comedian.
382
00:39:44,766 --> 00:39:47,266
I can't even get an open mic off the ground.
383
00:39:47,891 --> 00:39:49,641
Everything I touch turns to shit.
384
00:39:52,058 --> 00:39:53,308
You’re always really stuck.
385
00:40:01,141 --> 00:40:02,100
You remember how mom died?
386
00:40:11,933 --> 00:40:12,516
I killed her.
387
00:40:16,725 --> 00:40:17,266
It's my fault.
388
00:40:19,850 --> 00:40:22,350
I should have fuckin put a gun to my head
right at that moment.
389
00:40:22,558 --> 00:40:23,433
You should have.
390
00:40:29,391 --> 00:40:33,433
you should have taken the drugs,
the leftover drugs and fuckin done it right then and there.
391
00:40:39,308 --> 00:40:41,100
I just have no place to turn, Dave.
392
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,058
I just need a place to stay.
393
00:40:50,308 --> 00:40:51,016
Fuck.
394
00:41:01,725 --> 00:41:02,725
Two days, man.
395
00:41:06,516 --> 00:41:07,475
I give you two days.
396
00:42:14,725 --> 00:42:15,641
Who is it?
397
00:42:16,766 --> 00:42:18,641
What's your Wi-Fi password?
398
00:42:23,183 --> 00:42:23,808
No.
399
00:42:24,891 --> 00:42:26,433
You're not watching porn in my house.
400
00:42:27,475 --> 00:42:28,641
Not on my couch.
401
00:42:28,891 --> 00:42:31,225
C’mon what's your Wi-Fi password?
402
00:42:32,100 --> 00:42:35,850
Brian is a loser.
all lowercase.
403
00:42:36,391 --> 00:42:37,141
Seriously?
404
00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:41,350
Seriously.
405
00:42:42,850 --> 00:42:43,725
Brian is a dick
406
00:42:44,308 --> 00:42:45,141
All lowercase.
407
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:48,683
Is that really your Wi-Fi password?
408
00:42:48,975 --> 00:42:51,516
No.
It’s Batman 66.
409
00:42:51,766 --> 00:42:53,266
Leave me fucking alone.
410
00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:01,975
Are you Jason?
411
00:44:02,141 --> 00:44:02,725
Yeah, I'm Jason.
412
00:44:03,516 --> 00:44:04,433
Is this your phone number?
413
00:44:05,433 --> 00:44:07,558
That's my old number.
They gave us new phones.
414
00:44:08,850 --> 00:44:10,808
This number was attached to this place
415
00:44:11,100 --> 00:44:12,516
Yeah, it’s not my number anymore.
416
00:44:12,516 --> 00:44:15,016
I gotta get back to work
and you shouldn't really be here.
417
00:44:44,016 --> 00:44:46,725
So what do you think you are,
Sherlock Holmes now or something?
418
00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:48,683
Unless that's your new career choice
419
00:44:49,266 --> 00:44:52,058
because you're not making it as a stand-up comedian.
420
00:44:53,183 --> 00:44:53,516
Listen,
421
00:44:55,058 --> 00:44:58,475
I know I'm not a detective,
but I need to find out who is trying to kill me.
422
00:44:59,225 --> 00:45:03,183
Maybe if you commit to this,
everything you do is half-ass.
423
00:45:04,183 --> 00:45:07,766
I know you know people on the police force;
Uncle George was on the police force.
424
00:45:08,641 --> 00:45:10,100
Uncle George is retired.
425
00:45:10,766 --> 00:45:12,766
Yeah, but Isn't he a private investigator now?
426
00:45:14,308 --> 00:45:14,850
So?
427
00:45:15,391 --> 00:45:18,308
So, maybe he could help figure out
who's trying to kill me.
428
00:45:22,391 --> 00:45:23,683
And how are you gonna pay for this Brian?
429
00:45:26,100 --> 00:45:27,266
You don't even give me money for rent.
430
00:45:30,350 --> 00:45:31,683
And Uncle George isn't about charity.
431
00:45:33,058 --> 00:45:37,225
He would charge Grandma,
his own mother, to do a job.
432
00:45:50,808 --> 00:45:51,725
I am gonna take a shower.
433
00:45:53,350 --> 00:45:55,766
That's a great answer to my problem, Dave
434
00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:58,975
you know, I'm gonna die,
but at least you'll be clean.
435
00:45:59,183 --> 00:45:59,975
Oh, I will be clean.
436
00:46:01,766 --> 00:46:02,433
I’m clean.
437
00:46:07,975 --> 00:46:08,558
By the way,
438
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,475
you said you shot somebody in the woods, right?
439
00:46:11,933 --> 00:46:12,516
Why?
440
00:46:13,433 --> 00:46:13,808
Why?
441
00:46:15,100 --> 00:46:16,475
Because you said you did. Brian.
442
00:46:18,475 --> 00:46:19,516
You know, I can't shoot.
443
00:46:19,641 --> 00:46:24,183
Oh, bullshit. When we went hunting with my dad.
You were always a dead shot.
444
00:46:25,683 --> 00:46:26,141
Listen
445
00:46:30,225 --> 00:46:32,891
I just saw it on the news.
They found two bodies in the park.
446
00:46:33,475 --> 00:46:35,350
Sherman Park ,
two bodies shot dead.
447
00:46:37,350 --> 00:46:41,516
I don't know what you've done,
or what you haven't done.
448
00:46:42,891 --> 00:46:46,808
But what I do know is
I'm not going to be your fucking safety net on this one.
449
00:46:47,350 --> 00:46:48,433
I'm not your alibi.
450
00:46:49,183 --> 00:46:50,100
You're on your fucking own.
451
00:46:57,058 --> 00:46:58,058
I think I'm gonna be sick.
452
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:39,016
I'm really sorry
you had to go through this Brian.
453
00:49:41,433 --> 00:49:43,516
Wait, aren't you dead in the woods?
454
00:49:46,350 --> 00:49:47,891
Sometimes you have to die to really live.
455
00:49:50,183 --> 00:49:51,641
So, you're alive?
456
00:49:54,975 --> 00:49:56,016
You are not dead?
457
00:49:57,266 --> 00:50:00,058
No, I’m dead.
I'm just making conversation.
458
00:50:44,266 --> 00:50:46,183
What's going on Brian?
More bad dreams?
459
00:50:47,516 --> 00:50:49,308
Look,
do you believe me now.
460
00:50:50,850 --> 00:50:52,308
Time is ticking.
461
00:50:53,766 --> 00:50:54,975
You ordered a pizza?
462
00:50:54,975 --> 00:50:56,933
Come on. Dave
Someone's trying to kill me.
463
00:50:56,933 --> 00:50:58,850
Nobody's trying to kill you.
464
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:03,475
Listen,Your dad had schizophrenia.
You obviously have schizophrenia.
465
00:51:04,308 --> 00:51:07,891
Let me guess, the light bulbs are listening devices?
466
00:51:08,683 --> 00:51:10,266
Maybe we should go pull the shades.
467
00:51:11,308 --> 00:51:12,725
Is that helicopters I hear?
468
00:51:12,725 --> 00:51:14,141
You know what? Fuck you, Dave.
469
00:51:14,766 --> 00:51:16,641
You know what,
I'm gonna fucking prove you wrong.
470
00:51:17,141 --> 00:51:17,766
Please do.
471
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:28,350
So,
472
00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:33,808
I hired somebody to
kidnap and kill you?
473
00:56:35,016 --> 00:56:35,350
Yeah,
474
00:56:36,933 --> 00:56:40,225
I remember this picture from mom's house
the last time we had a picnic.
475
00:56:41,100 --> 00:56:41,391
So?
476
00:56:41,725 --> 00:56:42,975
I took the picture, I know
477
00:56:43,683 --> 00:56:45,100
I know you took the picture.
478
00:56:46,350 --> 00:56:49,850
You're the only one that ever had a copy.
I asked you for one but you never gave me one.
479
00:56:49,850 --> 00:56:50,600
Christine had a copy.
480
00:56:51,391 --> 00:56:54,141
Bullshit.
How would you know Christine had a copy of this?
481
00:56:55,475 --> 00:56:56,266
Brian, she showed it to me
482
00:56:57,891 --> 00:57:00,475
I never introduce you to Christine.
How the hell you know, Christine?
483
00:57:02,641 --> 00:57:03,516
When you disappeared…
484
00:57:05,058 --> 00:57:05,808
ran away,
485
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:09,850
You know after switching the prenatal vitamins.
remember that little..
486
00:57:11,766 --> 00:57:12,683
She came looking for you.
487
00:57:14,016 --> 00:57:14,641
She came to the house.
488
00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,183
She was upset.
489
00:57:20,641 --> 00:57:21,141
We talked.
490
00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:24,350
I gave her some money.
491
00:57:25,475 --> 00:57:26,641
Did you sleep with her too?
492
00:57:26,808 --> 00:57:28,141
Yes, yes I slept with her.
493
00:57:29,016 --> 00:57:30,308
No, I didn't fucking sleep with her.
494
00:57:31,850 --> 00:57:34,183
So that's it then
She's the one that wants me killed.
495
00:57:36,141 --> 00:57:36,475
Yeah,
496
00:57:37,891 --> 00:57:39,516
She's dating a mafia hitman now
497
00:57:40,350 --> 00:57:42,600
And I'm sure he's the one gunning for you.
You're pretty fucked.
498
00:57:42,850 --> 00:57:43,600
Seriously?
499
00:57:43,975 --> 00:57:45,141
No dumb ass.
500
00:57:46,600 --> 00:57:48,391
So she's not dating a mafia Hitman.
But
501
00:57:49,641 --> 00:57:53,016
she's got to be the one that wants me killed.
Can you please take me to her house?
502
00:57:55,225 --> 00:57:55,683
For what?
503
00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:58,641
I just want the chance to apologize.
504
00:58:00,766 --> 00:58:05,141
I don't think Hallmark makes
Sorry, I forced you to have an abortion cards
505
00:58:06,350 --> 00:58:07,558
it's not gonna do you any good, Brian.
506
00:58:08,683 --> 00:58:10,766
Dave, I just want to say I'm sorry.
507
00:58:13,808 --> 00:58:14,891
Please take me to her house.
508
00:58:31,933 --> 00:58:32,516
Christine's house.
509
00:58:37,766 --> 00:58:38,600
can you come in with me?
510
00:58:39,641 --> 00:58:42,641
Sorry, little brother.
You're on your own.
511
00:59:17,350 --> 00:59:18,475
This is all on you.
512
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:23,058
Christine killed herself in this house.
513
00:59:24,016 --> 00:59:25,225
This is where she burned herself up.
514
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:29,725
Couldn’t take the loss of the baby.
515
00:59:32,850 --> 00:59:33,600
Which ?
516
00:59:40,308 --> 00:59:42,100
Which room, do you think it was gonna
be the fucking nursery?
517
00:59:45,433 --> 00:59:46,225
Let me ask you something.
518
00:59:47,558 --> 00:59:49,433
You still think it's Christine that’s trying to have you
killed?
519
01:00:58,475 --> 01:00:59,141
Brian.
520
01:01:00,475 --> 01:01:01,350
Open the door.
521
01:01:03,600 --> 01:01:06,141
You cant stay in the basement. Man.
You've been in there for two days.
522
01:01:08,558 --> 01:01:10,225
Please come to the door,
at least talk to me.
523
01:01:11,725 --> 01:01:12,391
Listen,
524
01:01:12,933 --> 01:01:14,808
when it's your time,
it's your time, man.
525
01:01:16,975 --> 01:01:18,266
If they want you to die,
you're gonna ...
526
01:01:19,433 --> 01:01:20,766
just please come talk to me.
527
01:01:23,933 --> 01:01:25,266
When it's your time,
it's your time.
528
01:01:26,058 --> 01:01:28,225
You could die there just as easily as you can out here.
529
01:01:30,391 --> 01:01:33,391
Forget I said that.
Just come to the door. please.
530
01:01:34,433 --> 01:01:34,975
Talk to me.
531
01:01:45,975 --> 01:01:47,808
Brian,Open the door.
532
01:01:56,725 --> 01:01:59,850
Brian,bring me my pills.
533
01:02:10,975 --> 01:02:12,141
I gave mom too many pills.
534
01:02:15,308 --> 01:02:16,600
I asked her if she already took them.
535
01:02:17,891 --> 01:02:18,600
She said no.
536
01:02:19,433 --> 01:02:20,141
Seriously?
537
01:02:21,183 --> 01:02:23,516
Mom had Alzheimer's. Brian.
Alzheimer’s.
538
01:02:24,100 --> 01:02:26,808
You don't ask people with Alzheimers
If they took their pills.
539
01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:31,100
You were the one living with her.
You were supposed to be taking care of her.
540
01:02:31,225 --> 01:02:32,100
You're the caregiver.
541
01:02:33,433 --> 01:02:36,808
You don't ask somebody who has dementia
whether or not they took their pills.
542
01:02:43,475 --> 01:02:43,975
I know.
543
01:02:45,683 --> 01:02:46,308
I didn't.
544
01:02:48,933 --> 01:02:49,933
And it's my fault she's dead.
545
01:02:52,683 --> 01:02:55,308
You killed your mom.
You killed my mom.
546
01:02:56,266 --> 01:02:56,766
My mom.
547
01:02:58,350 --> 01:02:59,558
And don't forget about Christine.
548
01:03:00,808 --> 01:03:04,100
The only woman who ever loved
you probably could have ever loved you.
549
01:03:05,350 --> 01:03:06,475
And your child.
550
01:03:10,891 --> 01:03:12,391
And what about these two strangers in the woods?
551
01:03:13,891 --> 01:03:14,850
Who the fuck are they?
552
01:03:19,391 --> 01:03:19,808
Brother,
553
01:03:20,933 --> 01:03:22,600
you are so fucked right now.
554
01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:33,558
Listen,
555
01:03:38,475 --> 01:03:39,391
you are alive today
556
01:03:41,975 --> 01:03:43,225
Somebody is trying to kill you.
557
01:03:45,433 --> 01:03:47,225
I believe you.
I'm sold.
558
01:03:50,100 --> 01:03:52,850
But there's something that you
used to say to me a long time ago.
559
01:03:53,766 --> 01:03:55,933
I forgot how the fuck it went.
Something about....
560
01:03:57,975 --> 01:03:59,016
Live for today.
561
01:03:59,808 --> 01:04:00,850
Get busy living. . .
562
01:04:00,850 --> 01:04:03,391
Get busy living
or get busy dying.
563
01:04:06,391 --> 01:04:07,183
Figure it out.
564
01:04:23,100 --> 01:04:26,100
So I'm in the cemetery.
And I'm looking at all the stones.
565
01:04:27,100 --> 01:04:29,933
And we got very few crosses.
566
01:04:31,308 --> 01:04:35,225
So as I'm walking through the cemetery,
right, stones everywhere,
567
01:04:36,558 --> 01:04:39,308
Not too many crosses.
But there they are.
568
01:04:39,725 --> 01:04:41,350
The huge granite erections
569
01:04:42,058 --> 01:04:43,891
Everywhere,
as far as the eye can see.
570
01:04:44,641 --> 01:04:46,850
It's like everyone in the cemetery
died with a huge erection.
571
01:04:47,433 --> 01:04:49,225
Are you with me? Alright.
572
01:04:49,891 --> 01:04:51,016
It’s like I said before,
573
01:04:51,891 --> 01:04:53,058
it's all about the dicks.
574
01:04:53,766 --> 01:04:54,391
Speaking of dicks,
575
01:04:56,725 --> 01:04:58,266
my little brother's gonna come out tonight.
576
01:05:00,725 --> 01:05:04,933
So let's have a big round of applause
for my big round brother.
577
01:05:05,100 --> 01:05:08,516
And don't don't get too excited
because he's the most mediocre comedian you gonna see
578
01:05:08,808 --> 01:05:11,391
Don't don't get too excited
because he's not that funny.
579
01:05:13,725 --> 01:05:16,141
Thanks, Dave for that glowing introduction.
580
01:05:19,975 --> 01:05:22,308
I hope I can live up to all the hype.
581
01:05:24,725 --> 01:05:27,725
You know, my brother recently
advised me to see a therapist.
582
01:05:29,225 --> 01:05:31,141
And you know,
I didn't want to see a therapist
583
01:05:31,350 --> 01:05:34,600
because every time you see a therapist,
you have to tell the same lie.
584
01:05:34,725 --> 01:05:39,683
The my friend lie.
My friend is cheating on his wife or
585
01:05:39,933 --> 01:05:44,641
my friend is the one
who wants to kill the therapist.
586
01:05:45,058 --> 01:05:48,475
Or my friend masturbates to Schindler's List,
587
01:05:48,850 --> 01:05:50,766
but only the parts that are in color.
588
01:05:51,600 --> 01:05:55,100
No, I'm not going to hide behind.. my friend.
589
01:05:55,683 --> 01:05:59,850
All right, this is a story
that actually happened to me.
590
01:06:00,475 --> 01:06:02,933
I was knocked out.
I was kidnapped.
591
01:06:03,516 --> 01:06:06,516
I was drugged,
and not the fun kind of drugged either.
592
01:06:07,266 --> 01:06:10,350
I got clarity from these drugs.
What the hell kind of drug is that?
593
01:06:11,683 --> 01:06:16,225
Yeah, I was expecting a psychedelic Wonderland.
But no, I get clarity?
594
01:06:17,266 --> 01:06:21,808
And why was I trying to be killed?
Why did somebody want to murder me?
595
01:06:22,100 --> 01:06:25,391
Was it a joke I told?
Was it someone I pissed off?
596
01:06:26,350 --> 01:06:27,350
Or pissed on?
597
01:06:28,183 --> 01:06:29,016
Who knows?
598
01:06:31,266 --> 01:06:32,183
Who knows?
599
01:06:33,475 --> 01:06:36,058
I never got to find out.
600
01:06:37,391 --> 01:06:37,933
I looked,
601
01:06:38,808 --> 01:06:40,058
believe me, I looked.
602
01:06:41,183 --> 01:06:42,266
I mean it turns out,
603
01:06:42,975 --> 01:06:45,308
just about everyone in my life
wants to kill me.
604
01:06:46,350 --> 01:06:48,725
But nobody's got enough money to pay for it.
605
01:06:50,558 --> 01:06:52,891
I even thought at one point that it was me
606
01:06:54,058 --> 01:06:57,433
that actually kidnapped myself
to be killed.
607
01:06:57,891 --> 01:06:59,933
Like I was in some Star Wars fantasy.
608
01:07:00,308 --> 01:07:03,683
And I'm Luke Skywalker,
and I cut open that helmet of Darth Vader.
609
01:07:03,850 --> 01:07:05,100
And it's me inside.
610
01:07:05,641 --> 01:07:07,725
No, none of the Freudian bullshit.
611
01:07:08,600 --> 01:07:10,600
All right. It wasn't me.
612
01:07:11,683 --> 01:07:17,600
So this tenacious turd who wanted me dead,
just would not flush.
613
01:07:18,350 --> 01:07:20,850
I kept on getting phone calls
and text messages.
614
01:07:21,475 --> 01:07:24,975
Oh, you're gonna die soon?
Oh, the clock is ticking.
615
01:07:25,266 --> 01:07:28,641
Oh, any minute now.
And you know what?
616
01:07:29,016 --> 01:07:29,558
Nothing.
617
01:07:30,600 --> 01:07:31,391
All right.
618
01:07:31,641 --> 01:07:35,475
And then my brother graciously allows me
to come on to his show,
619
01:07:35,933 --> 01:07:38,016
to tag on a little bit at the end.
620
01:07:38,350 --> 01:07:42,266
So I can do the one thing that I love
before possibly dying,
621
01:07:42,266 --> 01:07:45,391
talking to all of you and
hopefully making you laugh along the way.
622
01:07:45,766 --> 01:07:47,350
I could still die at any minute.
623
01:07:47,933 --> 01:07:50,558
He could still be one of you that stands up
to try to kill me.
624
01:07:51,266 --> 01:07:52,558
Seriously,
this is your last shot.
625
01:07:54,558 --> 01:07:57,641
Last time you can kill me in front of people
and make a good spectacle.
626
01:07:59,475 --> 01:08:01,558
I’ll probably bleed a lot.
I'm big.
627
01:08:02,475 --> 01:08:02,975
No?
628
01:08:04,641 --> 01:08:04,975
All right.
629
01:08:06,516 --> 01:08:07,433
This is your last chance.
630
01:08:13,891 --> 01:08:14,475
All right.
631
01:08:16,558 --> 01:08:21,100
Well, I've decided now that I think
that life should be lived,
632
01:08:21,891 --> 01:08:23,058
until the mic drops.
633
01:09:20,558 --> 01:09:21,225
Dave,
634
01:09:22,516 --> 01:09:23,016
Thank you.
635
01:09:24,225 --> 01:09:25,808
Thank you for sharing the stage with me
636
01:09:27,391 --> 01:09:29,683
To be able to perform for all those people
637
01:09:30,391 --> 01:09:31,558
side by side with you.
638
01:09:32,350 --> 01:09:35,683
Instead of comparing dick sizes
like we always do. Of who's better?
639
01:09:37,183 --> 01:09:38,266
That was really something.
640
01:09:41,183 --> 01:09:41,600
Still,
641
01:09:42,475 --> 01:09:44,600
every time I hear a car backfire.
642
01:09:45,725 --> 01:09:47,183
Every time I turn a corner.
643
01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:50,266
I think that's the shot that's going to get me.
644
01:09:51,766 --> 01:09:55,141
I can't shake the feeling
that somebody is going to kill me.
645
01:09:56,975 --> 01:09:59,683
You know, I finally feel like I can be in control.
646
01:10:00,975 --> 01:10:02,641
The only way I can be in control
647
01:10:03,433 --> 01:10:05,308
is to take matters into my own hands.
648
01:10:07,183 --> 01:10:09,350
Know that I'm thankful for you.
649
01:10:10,933 --> 01:10:12,433
Your brother always.
650
01:10:32,558 --> 01:10:33,933
My dad gave me this jar
651
01:10:37,391 --> 01:10:38,850
With fake fireflies in it.
652
01:10:39,975 --> 01:10:42,183
And he told me when he came back.
653
01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:45,475
The fireflies would turn blue.
654
01:10:48,266 --> 01:10:51,266
I should have known
It's just a dollar store piece of shit.
655
01:10:51,266 --> 01:10:53,766
It's not..
you know ,my dad wasn't magic.
656
01:10:56,725 --> 01:10:57,725
He never came back.
657
01:11:11,391 --> 01:11:15,516
Now, I find myself looking into a blue bottle.
658
01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:55,325
Listening to their cars go by over the bridge.
659
01:11:56,516 --> 01:11:57,891
They could die at any minute.
660
01:11:58,975 --> 01:12:00,933
They could die today right now.
661
01:12:01,891 --> 01:12:02,850
The bridge could blow up,
662
01:12:04,183 --> 01:12:05,600
They could drive off the edge.
663
01:12:07,225 --> 01:12:08,933
Eventually, the whole world's gonna die anyway.
664
01:12:10,016 --> 01:12:12,891
How can they go through their lives so carefree?
665
01:12:13,850 --> 01:12:15,308
And I have to be miserable
666
01:12:16,183 --> 01:12:18,058
Thinking that I might die any minute.
667
01:12:21,308 --> 01:12:22,641
Well, I won't have to think about it.
668
01:12:23,558 --> 01:12:25,933
If I just make the decision for myself,
669
01:12:27,350 --> 01:12:29,100
never have to think about it again.
670
01:14:42,933 --> 01:14:44,391
Oh shit, not again!
671
01:14:54,433 --> 01:14:57,558
Sometimes I think about
the best way possible to die.
672
01:14:58,558 --> 01:15:01,683
As long as you don't see it coming.
I think that would be the best.
673
01:15:02,975 --> 01:15:08,016
I mean, ideally, falling asleep.
And when you're asleep, that's when you die.
674
01:15:08,391 --> 01:15:09,641
That would be the best.
675
01:15:11,016 --> 01:15:12,100
I know what I've done.
676
01:15:13,058 --> 01:15:14,808
There's been highs, there's been lows.
677
01:15:15,641 --> 01:15:17,225
I had a lot of fun in the high.
678
01:15:19,058 --> 01:15:20,225
I don't need to see it again.
679
01:15:22,183 --> 01:15:22,975
It is what it is.
680
01:16:17,783 --> 01:16:19,908
I now pronounce you man and wife.
681
01:16:20,911 --> 01:16:22,200
You may kiss your bride.
48426
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