All language subtitles for My Family - S11E10 - Susan For A Bruisin.eng

Hey, baby.

What are you reading?

Oh, hello, what's this?

"The Ultimate Sex Quiz."

Oh, really?

-0h, God.
-Okay, let's have a go at this.

Yeah, what have we got here? Ah...

Question uno.

Always.

Yup, yup, oh...

Sometimes.

When I can.

Ah, ooh, A, B, C.
A, Bor C? Yep, C.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, yep, B.

Incense.

Oh, yes. Yep.

Five and...

Cream.

Okay, finito.

-Ben, you do realise that...
-Shh. Just checking my score.

Thank you, here we go... (MUMBLING)

Woo, woo, whoo-hool

-You want to know how I've done?
-Ben...

100%. 100%.

And look what it says here,
"Congratulations, Mr Perfect.

"Was there ever so much manly hotness
in one package?"

Hal What you think of that, eh?
What you think of that?

I think you should give Michael
his gay lifestyle magazine back.

Hmm?

Okay.

WOMAN ON TV: Give me four more,
four and swing, now give me your leg.

Here we go, forward, side, that's it

Good, four. Keep it going.

Energy!

Four, three, two, one.

Hey, baby!

If you want a real sweat up,

why don't you come upstairs
to the old Ben-asium, eh?

Ben, aerobics requires
20 minutes of cardio,

not 2@ seconds of your heavy breathing.

(PANTING)

It's your loss.

So, why, uh...

-why?
-why am I doing this?

-Yeah.
-I've got a school reunion coming up

and I want to look my absolute best.

Okay, okay, but if you want to stay
younger, I've got one word for you...

-Divorce.
-Cavotox, the easy way

to banish those wrinkles.

Our company's asking all
the dentists to administer it.

And they've got collagen as well.

Ben, I do not need Cavotox
and I do not need collagen.

I'm not one of those women who goes
running to their surgeon

every time they need a confidence boost.

Iam au naturel and I am fabulous.

-Oh!
-Of course you are.

Not only am I in the best shape of my
life but, when I walk into that reunion,

people are going to be blown away by

how successful I've become. Ohh.

-Are there double doors in there?
-I don't know, why?

Just want to make sure your head
fits through it, that's all.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Mr Pepper.

Relax, it's all right, ‘cause one day
you're gonna look like this.

After Cavotox. That's it, just relax.

Relax, this is not going to hurt at all.

Ah! Ah! Ahl Ah!

Hey, how'd you get here?
You driving now?

Mum brought me.

-She's talking to Grandma.
-Oh, yeah?

Kenzo, does this thumb

look any younger than that thumb?

Never mind.

Okay, um, shouldn't you be at school?

I got sent home early for kicking Sadie.

-Is she a little girl in your class?
-Sadie isn't a girl, she's a monster.

She's bossy, she thinks
she knows everything.

Hang on, you did say Sadie, not Susan?

I hate Sadie.

Yeah, I used to kick girls when
I was at school,

but you know what I found out later?

I found out

that I quite liked those girls.

-Ew, yuck.
-Yeah, you say that

but I know what's going on here,
because is there like a little

teenie weenie bit of you that maybe,
kind of, possibly...

-Likes her?
-No.

You swear that on your Spider-Man
comic collection?

-Okay, maybe I like her a bit.
-Yeah.

And there are other ways, you know,
of letting a girl know you fancy her.

-Like what?
-Well, you know, like,

give her a present.
Like, one of your sweets, perhaps.

I don't like her that much.

Well, could be anything, you know,
could be flowers, jewellery, anything.

Is that how you got Grandma to like you?

No, blackmail and alcohol,
but that's another story.

-MAN ON TAPE: You are a leader.
-I am a leader.

You are an effective communicator.

-Iam...
-(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I am busy!

You are calm and centred.

- (BUZZING)
-I... I said I'm busy!

- (BUZZING)
-For crying out loud.

Why can't you just go away and die?

-Mary.
-Susan.

-Please, come in.
-Not interrupting anything, am I?

Not at all, not at all.
Please, take a seat.

How are you?

I simply couldn't be better.

You?

Oh, I'm fabulous.

I'm calm,

I'm centred.

Then you're just the person
I'm looking for.

We need a speaker to deliver the
keynote address at the school reunion.

Me?

Tcan'tdoit,
being the event organiser.

I would be honoured.

Great! Doesn't have to be a big deal.

We're look at, maybe 1@ minutes,
uplifting material that combines

nostalgia with optimism and maybe
throw in the odd joke.

I'm not brining my husband.

-You do understand it's in a week?
-Oh, not a problem.

1 thrive on pressure.

And, to be honest, I was sort of
expecting you to ask me.

Well, actually, I did initially ask
Patricia Phipps,

but she's out of the country.

Well, I don't mind being second choice.

And Trudy Watson's got a family wedding,
so she suggested Nigella Fairfax,

-but she said...
-Okay, I get the point, I'll do it.

SUSAN ON TAPE: And the elephant said,

"How on earth do you
pick up peanuts with that?"

(LAUGHING)

Wrong crowd.

-Hi, Susan, could I have a quick word?
-Yes, yes, of course.

Listen, we're having to make
a few cutbacks.

-Cutbacks?
-Hmm.

Which is why I wanted
to talk to you first.

You're a key player in the team and we
wouldn't want to lose you, so

what we'd ideally like is

if you could cut your hours back
to a few days a week.

-Well, I suppose I could...
-You're the best.

This job is really important to me.

And your experience is invaluable to us
which is why

we'd really like you
to train someone up.

Lucinda?

-Lucinda, this is Susan.
-Hello.

She'll be showing you the ropes.

Sorry, Katie, I'm confused.
Um, if you're making cutbacks,

why are you hiring a new assistant?

She's not an assistant,
she'll basically be doing what you do.

But I do what I do.

Yes, you do, but we'd like
you to do it...

Less.

Katie, may I have a word?

What is going on here?

Susan, the art world is always changing.

We're just trying to infuse the company
with some new blood.

-What's wrong with the old blood?
-Nothing.

In fact, your input would be invaluable
during the

changeover process.

So I'm training my replacement?

Absolutely not.

This is a joke, right?

You actually think I'm going to
stand for this?

Well, there's no need for that attitude.

Attitude?

Here's an attitude for you.

I quit.

I mean, this girl who replaced me
is a child, for God's sake.

Mmm.

The last art she saw was
probably made with a potato.

Mmm. Mmm.

It's ageism, Susan, ageism,
pure and simple. We can sue.

Well, not exactly.

-They offered me fewer hours and...
-0h, no.

-I quit.
-Yup, good. "Course you did.

It's a matter of principle, Ben,
you wouldn't understand.

-So what are you gonna do now?
-I'm gonna bounce back.

-Yup, good for you.
-I'm a fighter.

I mean, I got asked to speak
at my school reunion.

They don't ask losers to speak
at a school reunion.

(IN LOW, GRAVELY VOICE) Yeah.

Is that the extent of
your encouragement?

Hmm?

(IN LOW, GRAVELY VOICE) Yeah.

(HUMMING)

You all right, Janey?

Kenzo gave Sadie a present.

Oh, right. Ah-hal

Took Granddad's advice, huh?

Never fails.

-What did he give her?
-My pearl necklace.

Worth £500.

Uh-oh.

Big uh-oh.

Well, uh, were you attached to it?

Yes, Dad, I was attached to the fact
that it was worth £500.

-Leave it to me.
-No, mind if I give this one to Mum?

She's an expert at fixing
Your screw-ups.

Yeah, well, actually she's a little busy

dealing with her own screw-ups
right now.

Listen, don't, don't worry. I think this
calls for a little bloke-to-bloke chat.

(LAUGHING)

Don't worry, I can't make it any worse,
can I?

Don't answer that. Janey, just leave us.

I'll deal with this.

Okay, Kenzo.

(LAUGHING)

You're starting early, Granddad.

Oh, it's just a little loosener.

So, uh, did Sadie like her gift?

-I think so.
-Yeah?

She's my girlfriend now.

Okay, so that's a yes, then.

Listen, K-dog.

Don't you think you're
putting all your eggs into one basket?

You know? I mean, when you go to
the playground, you don't just

stay on the swings, do you?

You get bored of the swings,
you to the roundabout.

And when you're finished on
the roundabout, you go on the slide.

And when you've finished on the slide,
you go on the monkey bars.

Did you bump your head, Granddad?

All I'm saying, Kenzo,
is that you have your whole life...

Your whole life ahead of you, you know?
You're too young to settle down now,

you understand?

So should I give necklaces to all
the other girls, too?

Just, uh, come on,
just let Sadie know that

you're not ready to
be her boyfriend yet, okay?

Okay. Thanks, Granddad.

Cheers. Good boy.

-Well?
-Yeah, sorted.

So I get my pearls back?

Whoops, I'm sorry...

-Susan Harper?
-Yes.

Hey, thanks for coming in. Take a seat.

I've been looking over your CV,
it's very impressive.

Thank you.

You've seemed to have done quite a lot
over the years.

Well, it hasn't been that many years.

Well, thanks for coming in.

we'll let you know.

Is that it?

You haven't asked me anything.

Well, I've got everything
I need right here.

Oh, okay.

You think I'm too old, don't you?

I never said that.

How dare you write me off?

Just because I happen to be more mature
than those children

in that playpen you call a waiting room.
Well, I have news for you.

I have experience, I have know-how
and I have self-control.

And you're threatened by it.

So tell me, idiot,
have I got this job or not?

Just answered my own question,
haven't 1?

Ah! There you are.

-How'd the interview go?
-Shut up.

-When do you start?
-Funny.

Come on.

It's only one, you got two more
interviews tomorrow.

-Whatever.
-Hey, hey,

what happened to my little Susie?
Hey, come on, my little fighter.

You're right, I'm stronger than this.

-Onwards and upwards.
-Yeah.

Good for you.

Outl

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

(RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSION ON TV)

Susan?

Susan?

Have you been here all night?

What the hell happened?

This guy thought he was sleeping with
his sister-in-law

but it turns out she was a man.

Really?

No, not that!

You. What happened to you?

I had a little visitor last night,
a little thing called reality.

Hey, hey, come on.

What time's your first interview?

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

That's funny. Really funny.

Hey, come on, you've got so much to look
forward to, Susan.

You've got your interviews, you know,
you've got to make that speech.

You're keynote speaker, remember.

Well, let me fill you in
with a little secret

I wasn't their first choice.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with
being second.

Third.

Um, fourth?

Fifth.

Fourth choice didn't even go to
our school.

Oh, good God, look at this,
this is a mess.

Is this what I look like when I do this?

Pretty much.

Susan, come on, this is not...

Is there... Aahl

Is there anything I can do to help,
you know?

-Just leave me alone.
-Okay, look I'lL..

Fine, I'll just give you a little space,
no problem.

You're just pretending to care about
me because you're worried

I'm gonna drink all your alcohol.

1 think that's really unfair, Susan.

Hi, Dad.

Have you got my necklace back?

Janey, please, when I say I going to
do something, I do it.

Okay, I've made phone calls,
(STAMMERING) I've sent e-mails.

You're just leaving this
to Kenzo, aren't you?

Well, he's a very resourceful boy.

Hey, I found a biscuit under the fridge.

See what I mean?

-Where's Mum?
-She's uh, on the couch.

Yeah, she's having
a bad time of it lately.

-What did you do?
-Hey, listen I...

Hey, I didn't do anything at all.
It's not my fault. Ha! This is weird.

-You absolutely sure?
-Yeah, I didn't do anything.

I mean, you know, this is a first,
I'll give you that.

-Do you want me to talk to her?
-Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

Okay.

And you're absolutely sure
it wasn't your fault?

(CHUCKLING) I know. Who'd have thought?

-Gonna have a little loosener, Granddad?
-Yeah...

How did it go with Sadie?

-Not so good.
-Hmm.

I tried to get back the necklace
but she wouldn't do it.

But she did give me this watch.

Really? Wow, that's a very nice gesture.

That's a very... That's a Cartier!

-Hey, what are you doing?
-I have to put it in the sink

-to see if it's waterproof.
-No, no, no. Don't, no.

No, don't!

(LAUGHING)

1, uh, I think your little friend Sadie

didn't quite know
what she was giving you.

No, I'm sorry, Kenzo, no, we're going to
have to ring up Sadie's parents, yeah.

This is gonna have to go straight back.

Why are you putting it on your wrist?

Safekeeping, safekeeping.

Because this is my little precious.

It's very... This is very precious,
you understand?

Mum, talk to me.

Doughnut?

No thanks. Mum, come on.

Things can't be that bad.

You have no idea, Janey.

You're young, you don't know.

It's like you're walking along
a train track and it's right behind you.

Then one day, bam!

You don't even see it coming.

Life is pain.

It sucks your soul out.

Look, Mum, if I ever get married again,
would you mind if Dad gave the toast?

Hey, I'm just telling you
like it is, huh?

You know, that's my duty
as your mother, right?

Or have I been a bad mother, too?

Worthless and a bad mother,
oh, fantastic.

Mum, what are you talking about?
You're a great mother.

At least I'm not sugar-coating it.

A lot of mothers would sit here
and tell you,

"Everything's going to be fine,
life is great.

“Chase your dreams." Blah, blah, blah.

But you know what? The only place
you're gonna chase them to

is the crap heap.

-Doughnut?
-Please.

Oh, Susan, come on!

It's been three days now, this is...

Susan, please, come on,
this has got to stop.

Tell me at least you've worked
on your speech.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes, I've worked on my speech,
all right.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(COUGHING)

“Ladies and gentlemen.

"I was told to start with a joke,
so here it is.

"My life."

Pause for applause.

"I stand before you today unemployed,

fat,

“and angry."

Yeah, rule of three, always good.

"When I was at school,
I hated every second of it.

"But who knew those would turn out
to be the best days of my life."

1 think you should start
with a few jokes,

you're coming across as a little bit
of a sourpuss.

"of course,

"sadly,

"some of our classmates are
no longer with us.

"And believe me,
they had the easy way out.

"So, as far as I'm concerned,

"you can all take your optimism and
your positivity and

-"shove it up your..."
-That's all right, Susan, that's enough.

Come on, come on, This isn't you, Susan.

What happened to the girl who spits
in the face of adversity?

She's watching Bargain Huntin
a vodka-stained tracksuit.

Hey, come on.

I think you need some help, darling.

All right? And, and I'm here for you.

Because I, I love you.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

No, it's okay, don't get up.
I'll get that.

-Hello.
-Oh, hi, I'm Twyla Curtis.

-I'm Sadie's mum.
-Oh, yes, um...

Of course, uh, um...

Come in, come in.

Not quite that far, just uh...

Kenzo and Sadie are now an item.

-I hope you approve.
-Kenzo's a lovely lad.

-Mmm, he's very handsome, too.
-Oh, well, he takes after his granddad.

Oh, where is he?

About this watch, Twyla.

Yes, actually I'm a bit embarrassed
about that,

I should never have told Sadie
to give it to Kenzo.

I'm sorry?
You told her to give it to Kenzo?

Well, when I saw the necklace, I just
thought she should try and reciprocate.

So, I'm sorry. So you're not worried
about losing it?

Oh, no, it was my ex-husband's.

(STAMMERING)

Of course, I should have just had her
return the necklace straightaway, but

it was just a shame, really.

Because she, she just loves it.

Well, and he, uh,

just loves his watch.

I mean, it almost feels wrong
making them return them.

-Hmm.
-After all, a gift is a gift.

It is... That Is...

True, isn't it? Very true, um...

Well, we could

let the kids keep them.

-Oh, what a good idea.
-Yeah.

I mean, they know they can't
do it again.

Well, not every day.

Well, uh,

-lovely meeting you,
-And you.

Twyla. Bye. (CHUCKLING)

SUSAN: Don't bother introducing me!

Thank you for coming around, Vicar.
We really are at the end of our tether.

It's no problem. But I must say
I was surprised you called.

Idon't think I've seen you
since you sang Away in a Manger

at the Christmas nativity.

Well, that kid was making
a right mess of it.

I just hope I can help. You see, it's
a key part of my job to offer guidance

and support to those in need.

-Mmm-hmm, and you're free, right?
-You could always make a donation.

we'll see how you get on.

-Well, Susan's depressed.
-Hmm, very, and uh,

you know, she's all I have, Vicar.
And...

I would be really grateful
if you could at least

just get her off the couch.
-Hmm.

You know, Ben,

a lot of people in the parish
talk about you, but

to see this sensitive side of you,

(VOICE BREAKING)
it's very heart-warming.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much.

But I would be grateful if you could
get her off the couch by one o'clock.

‘Cause the Grand Prix is on.

Not only am I suffocating,

1 feel like I'm trapped

and drowning at the bottom of a 5@-foot
well and no one can hear me scream.

But, you're all right in yourself?

I just don't know what to do.

Well, in these situations,

I believe that the simplest solution
is often the best.

My advice to you it to find one
simple thing that gives you pleasure.

Yes...

Vodka.

(STAMMERING) Or something more spiritual
perhaps? It can be as simple as

a walk in a park, a cup of tea.

Or time spent with a loved one.

(STAMMERING) Or maybe just focus on
something that brings

a smile to your face.

Tox mel

Susan, I've only just been approved
to do this, I mean...

I want to practise on some patients
Idon't like before I do it to you.

-I don't care, just do it.
-I thought you were above all this.

That was three days and
30 doughnuts ago.

The vicar told me

I should focus on something that would
put a smile on my face.

I'm not sure he meant injections
with live botulism.

Look, if I look better,
I'll feel better.

I'll be able to walk into that room
with confidence.

Okay, okay, okay.
Step one. Right, step one.

"Wash hands thoroughly." Yeah.

Stop stalling and get on with it.

You know, this was
a lot easier with Mr Pepper.

Okay, you all right?

(BREATHING NERVOUSLY)

Stay still, Susan, stay still.

Yeah, that's better, that's better.

Nothing's happened.

-Hmm?
-I look the same.

Well, it says it takes
a little time to work.

-Hang on.
-What?

You said you could do collagen, too.

You can't do it at the same time.

-I don't care. Just do it.
-Susan, Susan.

Collagen, now!

Oh, my God.

I look amazing.

-Thank you, darling
- {LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

-You all right now?
-I'm good to go.

-Yes.
-Kiss me.

I'll try.

Let me just get rid of the bit of
that seepage on your forehead.

- (TELEPHONE RINGING)
-Hang on.

Do you... No, I'll...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, um, hang on.
It's Katie from the art gallery.

Hang on, I'll just see if she can
talk to you.

And I mean really see if she
can talk to you.

Hello?

I hope I'm not catching
you at a bad time.

On the contrary, it's a perfect time.
What do you want?

I'm afraid we made a mistake.
We need you back here.

We underestimated how much
experience means in this business.

Oh, really?

we'd like you to reconsider.

With an increase in pay?

-What?
-An increase in pay.

-Sorry?
-More money.

Yes, more money.

I'll see you Monday.

Oh, I think we have a bad connection.
I'll see you on Monday.

All right.

Well done. That's great. Great, isn't
it? I mean, you've got your job back.

Ha ha! Congratulations. You look...

You look...

-Happy.
-Thank you.

Idon't know what happened to me,
I was like a whole different person.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry, darling.

-I'm sorry for being so hard on you.
-It's no problem, darling.

Ahh!

-What the hell have you done to me?
-You begged me to do that.

-I look like a monster.
-But a happy monster.

I can't go like this,
I can't go like this.

-Please not on the couch again, Susan.
-I can't go like this.

No, no, no, you're right.

I'm better than this.

-I'm Susan Harper.
-Mmm.

I'm not going to let a little
bump like this put me off.

No, come on!

I'm going to make the best speech
of my life.

Hal Yeah, course you are.

-How do I look?
-You look as pretty as a...

Picture.

Come on, go. Bye.

So, in conclusion,

let me just say
that we have been blessed

to attend this
educational establishment. Excuse me.

Where we have learnt to become

strong, independent women

who can face the future with
dignity and grace.

Wonderful speech, Susan,
you really spoke for all of us.

Ladies...

(CAMERA CLICKING)