All language subtitles for My Family - S11E07 - Booked.eng

-Tickets?
-Yeah, check.

-Passport?
-Passport, check.

Yeah, and vaccinations, yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

Wish I was going on two weeks' holiday.

Susan, please, I have already told...
This is not a holiday.

This is a dental outreach programme

in the upper regions
of the Columbian rainforest.

Some of these people
have never even heard of dental hygiene.

I must admit
I'm proud of you volunteering.

So generous, so thoughtful...

So unlike you.

Susan, where I'm going is,
1 hear, pretty dangerous.

So I've written you a letter, okay?

But I want you to promise me
you will not open this letter

unless something happens to me.

-I promise.
-No, I'm serious, Susan.

-I want you to really promise.
-I promise, okay?

-You promise?
-I promise.

Mmm.

Okay, I'm going.

-Come on, come on, come on.
-Okay.

-Promise?
-Promisel Love you. Byel

BEN: My darling Susan,

if you're reading this letter,
the worst has happened

and there are a few things
you should probably know.

I've not been the prefect husband.

I've had numerous affairs...
Well, so many I've lost count.

I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't
a number of children out there

that I've fathered.

Also, I've skimmed from our bank account
for years and I'm sure you'll find out

I've double mortgaged the house
to finance my secret lifestyle.

Please forgive me,
I'm so desperately sorry.

My love, Ben.

Now, promise me you won't open this one.

(BEETHOVEN'S NINTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

Anything I can do for you, Janey?

Beethoven's 12th?

He only did nine. You're so cute
when you pretend to know things.

So, Mum, I need you
to signup to Facebook.

-No.
-But it's great!

You can get in touch with people
you've lost contact with.

You mean, the people
I meant to lose contact with.

Ah, but there's also the people
you lost touch with because of Dad.

Well, there's no getting them back.

Mum, it's a lot of fun.

Janey, those sites are
for sad, pathetic losers

who feel the number of friends
are more important than the quality.

Yeah. I'm stuck on 999. So,
I need you to sign up and "friend" me.

Isn't it enough that
we're friends in real life?

Oh, please, Mum. Come on.
You don't even have to do anything.

I'll set it all up for you.

Janey, as much as it makes me
feel special

that you've asked 999 people before me,
the answer is still no.

Mum, everyone of those friends
means the world to me.

Hello, Facebook friend.

(SIGHING) Almost everyone.

So, did you hit number 1,000 yet?

No. Mum said no.

Oh, come on, Susan. Don't you want
to keep up with what I'm up to?

What are you up to?

Nothing much.

So, how are you coping without Ben?

Fine, thank you. You?

I have good days and bad days.
We all have to stay strong.

Listen, Ben asked me to pop round
to check that everything is okay.

-Did he really?
-Uh, no.

But if you do need anything,
I'm here for you.

Think of me as a substitute Ben.

-Do you know how to fix the plumbing?
-No.

-Can you put up shelves?
-No.

-What do you know about car engines?
-Absolutely nothing.

You'll make a perfect Ben.

No way! You're kidding. He did?

You're kidding! He did?

Hi, Mum.

No way! You're kidding. He did?

I think we've established that he did.

No way! You're kidding. He did?

-Janey...
-Mum, I'm on the phone.

Yeah, okay, yeah. All right,
I've got to go, too. See you later. Bye.

(EXHALING) So, enjoying the peace
and quiet?

I'll tell you when I get some.

(DOOR BANGING SHUT)

And that's going to help.

-Thanks a lot, Mum.
-What have I done now?

Why aren't you friends with me
on Facebook?

Because I'm not on it.

Yes, you are.
And you're friends with Janey.

Janey! I specifically asked you
not to sign me up for that.

And yet you went behind my back and...

Oh, that's a nice photo of me.

You see? You see? Now you can tell
the whole world about yourself.

They can see what you do for a living.

Your marital status, your age...

Oh, at last.

Hang on. Under my marital status
you put, "It's complicated.”

-Isn't it?
-Yeah. Fair point.

Ohl Look, you've already got a message
from a Paul Tremaine?

Paul Tremaine's written to me.

-Oh, he looks nice.
-Who is he, Mum?

No-one.

-Then why are you still smiling?
-Am I?

Paul and I had a relationship
years and years ago.

Right around the time I met your father.

You mean you had other options?

All this time I thought you married Dad
‘cause you were desperate.

We could've had Paul as our father.

-Michael, you don't even know him.
-It doesn't matter.

Mum, we're not saying
you could have done better.

Paul and I weren't meant to be, Michael.

We had our fun, but we were
moving in different directions,

so ultimately we went our separate ways.

-Ah! You mean he dumped you?
-Pretty much.

He was the only person who ever did.

(LAUGHING) Really?

Really?

He never said why.

Well, it could have been
any number of reasons.

Thank you, Michael.

-So, read his message.
-Oh, right.

Excuse me, you know, this is private.

-Sorry.
-Thank you.

(GASPING) Ohl
He wants to meet up with you.

Yes! It might not be too late.

-Do it, Mum.
-I'm not going to meet up with him.

Why not? He's only suggesting coffee.
Not sleeping together.

Well, he might be. Scroll down a bit.

Iam married to your father.

Paul Tremaine
missed his chance years ago.

As far as I'm concerned, he's a loser.

Ohl His bio says he won a gold medal
for fencing at the Commonwealth Games.

He researched climate change
for three years in Antartica.

He also set up an African charity
that's raised over six million pounds.

Your father came first
in the Parent's Day egg-and-spoon race.

He cheated.

Finel

I should have married the other guy.

(SIGHING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, yes, Operator,
I'll accept the call.

Hello, darling. How are you?
How's the jungle?

What? You've been bitten?
Oh, my God! By what?

A spider? A snake?

Oh, a patient.

No, well, it's all been very quiet here.

Oh, Paul Tremaine got in touch.
He wants to meet up with me.

What do you mean you don't care?
You should care.

He used to find me rather attractive.

Would you stop laughing?

Idon't think you'd find it quite so
funny if I decided to go out with him.

And we made wild passionate love until
we both reached a hot, sweaty crescendo.

Hello...

Oh, sorry, Operator. I didn't realise
you'd lost his connection.

What do you mean keep going?

Ooh, ooh, that Looks nice.

Mmm, Mum, it's gorgeous.

It's an egg white omlette with shallots
and oyster mushrooms,

seasoned with Herbes Provencal.

Mmm. Can you make me one?

Of course I can.

Roger! What are you doing here?

Oh, making omelettes.
And yours is coming right up.

-You shouldn't have done all this.
-Oh, I'm only doing what Ben would do.

That's why I slept outside
in the car last night.

Just to keep an eye on the place.

If that omelette wasn't so fantastic,
I would find that slightly creepy.

Ah, so that is breakfast done.

So, what would Ben do next?

He'd be doing my laundry
and giving me money to go shopping.

Oh, I'll just get my wallet.

Roger, stop. She's not being serious.

He'd be unblocking the sink
and bleeding the radiators.

Right you are.

(EXHALING) Look at us.

One big happy family.

I'm so lucky.

Really, Mum, when I said
you could do better than Dad...

-Drop it, Michael.
-Okay. Better get to work.

I have already got Ben's toolbox. It...

Strange. There's only
a bottle of whisky in here.

That explains the shelves in the garage.

Oh, so, Mum, did you hear
anything more from that guy Paul?

We've exchanged some messages.

Oh, really?

So, you've changed your mind
about seeing him?

There's no harm
in catching up for a chat.

Is chatting all you're going to do?

(MUFFLED) Will you stop making
such a big deal out of this?

You're going stock car racing
with the cast of Les Mis?

1 said, would you stop making
such a big deal out of this.

It's all perfectly innocent.

Paul and I used to date,
but that was years ago.

-Before he dumped you?
-Yes, yes, yes. Before he dumped me.

Tonight is just about
two old friends catching up.

And explaining why one of the friends
thought the other was inadequate.

Sounds like a fun evening.

Maybe he's had a change of heart.

Maybe he wants a second chance
at romance.

Janey, that's not going to happen.

Yeah, but it could, Mum. It could.

All you have to do
is put a bit of cheese on the trap.

The mouse will come, and then, snap!

Suddenly he's disoriented.

His back's broken
and he has nowhere to go.

This is why I date men.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, I'd like to propose a toast.

-Here's to seeing you again.
-And you.

Do you remember
how we used to go to the cinema?

We used to pick films
we didn't want to see.

Because we knew
we wouldn't be watching the films.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm so happy to see you again, Susan.
It's been a long time.

You've really blossomed
into a beautiful woman, you know.

Oh, so you didn't think
I was beautiful then?

Of course, I did. I was mad about you.

I'm just saying
you've matured wonderfully.

Thank you.

So you thought I was immature?

No, not at all. No, you...
You were just different back then.

-So, you thought I was a freak?
-No.

Look, is something the matter?

It's just something
that's bothered me all these years.

Why did you break up with me?

Oh, come on, Suzie. I can't even
remember, it was so long ago.

Besides, none of that matters now.

You've found happiness
with someone else.

Who?

-Your husband?
-Oh, yeah, him. Yeah.

So, what about you?
Did you ever get married?

No, I'm afraid not.
Never found the right girl, I suppose.

well, I did.
But I was too stupid to realise it.

What happened?

I'm talking about you, Susan.

Oh, I'm very flattered, but, um,
nothing is going to happen. Sorry.

Well, I'd better get going I suppose.

So soon? I haven't upset you, have I?

No, it's not that. Honest.

No, I've got to drop something off
at a friend's house in Chiswick.

Well, I live in Chiswick,
so I'll do you a deal.

You stay for coffee
and I'll happily drop it off for you.

All right, you got a deal.

You know, I've got to say, Suzie,

you've been really
great company tonight.

So, I wasn't great company back then?

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

MAN: Yes?

Hello? I have a package for you
from Paul.

-Where is Paul?
-Oh, he couldn't make it.

So he asked me to give it to you.

Well, thank you. Um...

Susan. I'm a friend of Paul's.
Well, just a friend.

We had a perfectly innocent dinner.

Just two old friends catching up.
Reminiscing. All perfectly innocent.

Nothing happened, you understand,

because, as I say,
it was all perfectly innocent.

Oh, I'm thrilled for you, Susan.
Uh, can I have the package?

Oh, yes, here.

(CLEARING THROAT)

You're under arrest.

But it was all perfectly innocent.

Mrs Harper,
you know why you're here, right?

No. Maybe you should tell me.

You delivered half a kilo of cocaine
to an undercover officer.

(SCOFFING) Yeah, right.

-So, you're admitting it.
-Of course not.

AlL I did was deliver a random package
from someone I hardly know

to someone I've never met,
in the middle of the night.

I need a lawyer.

Your friend Paul is a major drug dealer.

We've been setting up this sting
for months.

But that can't be possible.

He won a gold medal in fencing.

The only fencing he's done
involves stolen goods.

What about the three years
he spent in Antartica?

He served three years
in Wormwood Scrubs.

And the African charity?

-Well, that's true.
-So he can't be all bad.

He uses the charity
to launder drug money.

I can't believe someone lied
about themselves on the internet.

Look, Look, I had no idea
what Paul was asking me to do.

Mrs Harper, you willingly
transported drugs for a known felon.

But I didn't know he was known.

If I'd known he was known,
I would have known better, you know.

And as for drugs, I hate them.
You can ask my husband.

-Where is your husband?
-Colombia.

Oh, God. I really need a lawyer.

Mrs Harper, we know that you and
Paul Tremaine have had a relationship.

How do you know that?

The police have intricate and
thorough ways of sourcing information.

You've been on Facebook.

Yeah, that's one of the ways.

Look, you've ruined
two months of police work.

We either need information or an arrest.

Please, give me a chance to help you.

And I'll do everything I can

to make sure Paul gets locked up
for a very long time.

That'll teach him for dumping me.

-What?
-I mean, dealing in all those drugs.

-Typical you...
-S0...

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.

I know, a new father figure
takes some getting used to.

But I'm only here
to look after your mother.

-Where is she?
-I don't know.

Are you wearing dad's pyjamas?

Well, it's what he'd be doing.

Not after you've been wearing them.

I'm glad you're both here.

I wanted to have a chat with you
about the birds and the bees.

-No, thanks.
-Okay.

But if you don't want to tell me,

I'll just have to find out
from somebody else.

I never thought I'd say this
but you've made me miss my dad.

Well, I think we should all
have a big family hug, hmm?

Come to me, children!

(EXHALING)

-Go to him.
-You go to him.

I'm not going anywhere near him.
I have a child. Nobody will miss you.

Well, Susan! Where have you been?
I have been worried sick.

Get knotted!

Does she talk to your father like that?

-Yeah.
-Oh!

So, how did it go with Paul?

I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to go to bed.

I'll be up in two minutes.

Do it and diel

Hey, that tickles. (LAUGHS)

This is a serious business, Mrs Harper.

You need to get Paul to confess
that he's a drug dealer on tape.

Sorry. Right. Right.

We have a hidden camera in place.

The best angle will be
from this direction,

so try and get him on the sofa.

And act natural. We don't want him
to suspect something's up.

Not a problem.
I was once an accomplished actress.

In school,
1 was in Streetcar Named Desire.

I played Stanley Kowalski.

It was an all-girls school.

Great. Look, you can just
attach that to your bra strap.

No! I'll do that, thank youl

Now, we've got a signal,
we're good to go.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

-He's early.
-0h.

-Oh, hi, Mum.
-Hi, honey.

-Wow, you look stunning.
-Mmm.

-Is that a new outfit?
-Yes.

Uh, I want to look my best for... Roger.

Come on, Mum, we all know.

If you're trying to turn Roger on,
you'd be dressed as Susan Boyle.

You're seeing Paul again, aren't you?

Yes. But it's not what you think.

I've a little surprise planned for Paul.

I've got a microphone here.

And there's a camera hidden over there.

-Kinky!
-It's not for that!

Oh, no, no, it's fine. Listen, I won't
tell Dad. Your secret's safe with me.

-Janeyl
-Have an amazing time, Mum.

-Janey... Oh, God!
-Byel

Oh, heavens.
Oh, this is never going to work.

Don't worry. I'll be in the kitchen
with backup should anything go wrong.

But, well, we do need to establish a
safe word in case you're in any danger.

How about "help"?

Maybe something a little less obvious.

Something innocuous, like,
oh, my cupboard.

Cupboard, cupboard. Got it, got it.

Now, all we need is his confession
and you're in the clear.

Oh, don't you worry. Once I turn on
the charm, I can be very persuasive.

You might want to undo this button, too.

I can do that, thank you!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

-He's here.
-No! Go away.

(SEDUCTIVELY) Oh, come in.

Ah, you look stunning.

And with all the buttons done up.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Please...
Please make yourself comfortable.

Ah, lovely.

You've got a really nice place here.

(SCREAMING) Not that chair!
Oh, I'm sorry.

The sofa is much more relaxing.

Oh, okay.

I've got to say, Suzie,

I was quite surprised
to hear from you again so soon.

Did, uh, everything go all right
with that package last night?

Oh, yes. Fine. Tickety-boo.

It was awfully heavy. What was in it?

Boring business stuff, you know.

Well, any boring business stuff
to do with you is fascinating to me.

Tell me more.

Look, am I reading this situation right?

You're reading it perfectly.

When I said nothing was going to happen
between us,

perhaps I spoke too soon.

Really?

I've been a good wife
and a good mother for a long time.

Now I want to be bad.

Can you be bad?

Oh, yes. I can be bad.

In fact, I'm going to tell you
something that might shock you.

I can't wait to hear it.

Well, just between you and me...

(DOOR BANGING SHUT)

-Hello!
-Roger!

What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same question.
Who is your gentleman caller?

Uh, this is my friend Paul.
Paul, this is my... Roger.

Could you excuse us a minute?
He's not very well.

Sure. I've got a call to make anyway.
Don't worry.

Susan, what are you doing?

Are you having an affair
behind my and Ben's backs?

Paul and I are just good friends,
nothing more.

Now, now just go. Please go.

Oh, thank God. I know Ben wouldn't
be happy if he lost you on my watch.

-Go on. Out.
-Oh, oh, oh. I forgot.

I came around to borrow the mixer.

(SIGHING) Fine.
It's in the kitchen cup...

Over the worktop.
The thing with shelves.

-What?
-Uh...

With doors.
You know with doors that open.

With... Things you can put things in.
With shelves.

-Sorry, I don't...
-Oh, for God's sake, the cupboard!

-Nol (LAUGHING) Oh, no, no, no.
-No?

What are you trying to tell me?
Not the cupboard?

(STAMMERING) Yes, that's it!
The thing you just mentioned.

Yeah, I still don't know what you mean.

I'll just check all the cupboards.

What the hell is going on down there?

That idiot keeps saying the safe word.

Susan! Listen, there's...

(TASER CRACKLING)

(THUDDING)

Paul, I won't be a minute.
Roger's having a bit of an issue.

What have you done to him?

-Tasered him.
-Was that really necessary?

Yes.

Roger, I'm so sorry.

What's going on? I don't understand.

That man in there
is a dangerous drugs dealer.

Susan is helping us trap him.

Oh. Oh, no, she's not.

I'm not letting you put Susan's life
at risk. As long as Ben's away,

I'm not going to let anything bad
happen to this woman or her family.

They mean far too much to me.

(TASER CRACKLING)

Sorry, I couldn't take it any more.

-Excuse me, Roger.
-(ROGER WHIMPERING)

Sorry, Paul.
He had a little shock recently.

So, you were about to tell me something

before we were so rudely interrupted.

-Was I?
-Yes.

About your boring, naughty business.

Oh, yeah, right. Well, there's
more to me than what you think.

All right, Look.
I have made a great deal of money

-dealing in...
-Uh-oh!

What the hell?
Oh, Cole, her mike slipped.

Drugs.

I've been dealing drugs
for the last 10 years.

-Did you hear what I said, Susan?
-Oh, uh, I'm not quite sure, yeah.

(LOUDER) I said I deal drugs.

I mean, I didn't set out
to be a drug dealer,

but now I'm... Well, I'm
a major supplier to west London

and I've got connections with suppliers
all over the country...

-Waitl Wait!
-What's the matter?

Oh, sorry. Don't you ever feel
like dancing for no reason?

-There's no music.
-It's better without music.

COLE: It's gone quiet.
We haven't had the confession.

-What's she doing?
-I think she's dancing.

Or having a stroke? Oh, my God,
now they're both doing it.

(BLOWING)

Well, that's enough of that.

Well, I can see you're still
as wild as ever, aren't you?

Yes, I know.

Yes. You know, it's funny.

I've never told anyone from my class
about what I do now.

But now I've confessed everything,
I feel so much closer to you.

Yes, and you know what would
make us feel even more close?

Go on, tell me.

If you confess everything again.

Oh, yeah. I see.
I know what's going on here.

You do? Cupboard!

You haven't listened
to a word I've said, have you?

Not cupboard.

This is so typical of you, Susan.

(STAMMERING) What? What's typical?

Well, you were always so distracted.
You'd never listen to me.

I think that's one of the reasons
I broke up with you.

-Reasons?
-Yeah.

All right, look. If you want me to
confess everything all over again,

-I will
-Mmm-hmm.

This is it. Standby, Cole.

For the last 10 years,

I have been heavily involved
in importing and dealing...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never mind about that!

What do you mean there were reasons
you split up with me?

All right, look. When I said
I couldn't remember why we split up,

that wasn't the truth.

Well, well, let's hear it.

Well, it's like I said.
You'd never listen to me.

Even at uni, you were always distracted.

And I know why. Because that
Ben Harper was always around.

And you fancied him more than me.

1did?

Yeah, I did. Okay.

And you're still the same now!

I tell you I'm a major drug dealer who
supplies drugs to most of west London

and you don't seem to have heard
a word I've said.

Oh, so that's the reason you split up
with me. Because you were jealous.

-Yes.
-Oh.

Well, that and I always thought
you was a bit too...

A bit too? A bit too what?

You're under arrest for the supplying
and distribution of illegal drugs.

-Wait, wait, wait!
-why?

-We've got everything we need.
-But I haven't! I haven't!

You don't have to say anything.

Anything you do say may be taken down
and used in evidence.

Idon't believe it. After all these
years, this is how I go down.

Sorry, Paul, but you left me no choice.

Hang on. Listen, Susan.

I just want to say,
even after all this, I still love you.

-Really?
-Nol

You've just put me away for 20 years.

Is anyone else buzzing?

So, Paul's been put away
for a very long time.

The same Paul
who could've been my father.

Michael, he was a dangerous drug dealer.

Still...

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't
mention any of this to your father.

After 30 years, we're going to
start talking to Dad?

Right. What was I thinking?

Susan, can I have a word
with you please?

Oh, Rog, can you give me a lift
back to the flat?

And did you get a chance
to polish my shoes?

No. No, I can't. And, no, I didn't.

You know what? I wanted to be
head of this family and be like Ben,

but that role is a poisoned chalice.

In the past week, you've abused
my trust, treated me like a slave,

extorted money from me,
and got me tasered. Twice!

You lot ought to be ashamed
of yourselves. You make me sick!

One,

two, three,

four...

(SIGHING)

I can't stay mad at you.
Come, let's all hug it out.

(TASER CRACKLING)

(BLOWS)

Sorry, Roger.