All language subtitles for My Family - S11E04 - Germs Of Endearment.eng

Yup.

This is one slow toaster.

Yes siree, Bob.

That's the thing about lady toast,

makes you wait.

Gives you time to think.

To cogitate.

To ponder.

Is there a guy in this house?

Well, here's me waiting for white toast
and you waiting for brown toast.

That's interesting, isn't it?

It's a five-hour drive
away from interesting.

All I'm saying is there are basic

differences, similarities.

That's it, we've officially
run out of conversation.

Only because you refused to
keep the toast ball in the air.

I mean, look at us, alone in this house,

nothing to say, no kids any more,
we've got nothing.

Whoop! We've got toast.

- (HUMMING)
-Thank you.

Come on, we always knew the kids
would fly the nest eventually.

I suppose so.

Just makes me feel sad now they've gone.

Well, it shouldn't,
they're learning to be independent.

You know,
standing on their own two feet.

I guess you're right.
We should let them spread their wings.

Exactly, they're making their own way
in the world now.

-And we should just be proud of them.
-These eggs still good?

(SIGHING) Is there any more
washing powder?

If we don't turn around
we can just pretend they're not there.

Sorry, heavy night.

-Lost my flat keys.
-How do you work the dryer on this?

You don't, which reminds me...

Oh, great.

What a lovely start to our anniversary.

Oh, yeah, it's your anniversary.

Yes, that's why
there's a party atmosphere.

-This is a big one, isn't it?
-Yup, quite a millstone.

Milestone. I said... I said milestone.

-What have you got us?
-It'd better be good,

considering we gave you
the miracle of life.

Oh, your present?

We got you the ultimate
anniversary gift, remember, Mikey?

Oh, right. That...

We got you

an all-expenses paid holiday.

Wow! Gosh.

Well, wow, that's... That's great.

Because, uh, we noticed the two
of you never go away together.

Yeah, so if you'd rather not go,
absolutely no problem at all. Um...

They'll give us a full refund,
wont they, Mikey?

Full refund. It'll be almost as if
we never even bothered to

book it in the first place.

-(BEN CHUCKLING)
-SUSAN: Mmm.

So you two got us a holiday
just for us two?

-Mmm-hmm. For two whole weeks.
-Where are we going?

-Overseas.
-Yeah, uh, Spain.

Day after tomorrow, alone at last.

-Wow.
-Seeing everything together.

Well, that's really,
really nice of you guys.

It's just that it's very short notice,
isn't it?

Yeah, um...

(WHISTLING)

I can't think I can cancel
my appointments.

-AW.
-Better check the diary.

Uh, diary, diary, diary,
diary is in the other room.

Susan, could you just help me
check the diary?

Yes, sure.

-Help me.
-Mmm-hmm.

What are we going to do?

Don't they know
we've never had a good holiday?

Every time we go away together,
it goes pear-shaped.

Pear-shaped? That's an understatement.

I still have the scars.

-Sardinia, '88.
-Yeah, yeah. Mauritius, '03.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
But I can do better than that.

Portugal, '97.

I thought you were already in the car.

-So who do you think was screaming?
-All right, all right.

Let's face it,
we can't go on this holiday.

What do we tell the kids? I mean,

I can't believe
they've considered our feelings.

I can't believe
we're considering theirs.

Maybe we should go.

I mean, the law of probability says
we got to have at least one holiday

that doesn't leave us
mentally or physically scared.

Okay, okay, okay.
But no poolside barbecues.

-No fireworks.
-No swimming with dolphins.

-No matter how friendly they look.
-Yeah.

Just when I think
you and I are not related,

you pretend to book our parents
on a nonexistent holiday.

Feels good to give nothing, doesn't it?

Gives you a warm
yet cheap feeling inside.

-True.
-I mean, besides, there was no point

actually buying that holiday because,
A - we can't afford it,

and B - we knew they'd never go on it.

-We've made a decision.
-We're going on holiday.

It's going to be brilliant.

BOTH: Brilliant.

Well, this is a disaster.

Ben, I'm sure they can get you
some peanuts.

It's not just that.

I've got a really funny feeling
about this whole thing.

It's going to be worse
than our honeymoon.

Ben, it's not going to be worse
than our honeymoon.

What are the chances of being hit
by a water cannon again?

I don't know, but what were the chances
of an aggressive little midget

setting fire to our bridal suite?

Thousand to one, but it still happened,
didn't it?

I'm sorry, I...

I find that slightly offensive.

Sorry, you some kind of giant midget?

No, I just don't like people
being rude about minorities.

I've got nothing against midgets,
per se.

It's just that this particular time
we had a very doggy midget.

-Can I get you some ice with that?
-Ah, si.

(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)

Peanuts.

She asked if you wanted
something to drink.

I know. And I know the answer to this.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(REPLYING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You actually pronounce it “cerveza™

Cerveza.

Th-sorry?

Cerveza, cerveza.

Shtay out of thish.

You see, if we were in South America,

you'd have been correct
in pronouncing it "cerveza”™

But not here, because people in Spain
pronounce their C's in that context

with a T-H sound.

Swap places with me, will you?

Anything to stop you
going to the dark side.

Oh, you...

Oh, great, now you've landed me
with a duff seat.

I suppose you want me
to swap seats again?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
you sit and enjoy Sesdor Wikipedia.

I'm going to fix this.

Ben, try to relax,
we owe it to the kids.

This holiday can't have been cheap.

(LAUGHING) On this airline,
are you serious?

I'm surprised they haven't stuck us
below in a packing crate.

Wedged between a chicken
and an upright piano.

Swap seats with me.

Wait, so you charged the entire holiday
to Dad's credit card?

How is he not going to notice that?

Janey, I had to find out
his card number, his password,

transfer his money, all in one day,
without him noticing.

So before we do the whole
"Mikey's an idiot thing,"

can we just take a moment
to appreciate my flipping genius?

Okay then, genius,

how do we pay the money back
before he notices?

I've been thinking about that.

You know that show Cash in the Attic?

Uh, is that the one
where they go through your house

with an antiques expert
and sell your old stuff at auction?

No, that's The Wire.

-Yeah, that's the show.
-All right, be sarcastic if you like,

but there's nothing interesting
in our attic.

Well, except for those weird drawings
Roger did of the Moon,

and that noose no one will admit
to rigging up.

Look, it doesn't actually
have to come from the attic.

Just, you know,
anything worth a few quid

-that no one is going to miss.
-(GASPING)

1 suppose I could get rid
of the Barbie doll collection.

Janey, you can't.

Took me years to collect those.

So I'walk in,
and who should be sitting there

but Chano Dominguez.

-(LAUGHING) Yeah.
-That's amazing.

Who's Chano Dominguez?

He's probably the most famous flamenco
jazz pianist working in Spain today.

And that's how he ended up playing
in my daughter's wedding.

That's an amazing story.

-well, it's a story.
-Ben, relax.

Relax? In this seat?
If it bloody kills me.

-Come on, let's toast.
-Okay, okay.

-In the words of Mr Phil Collins...
-Oh, that's so weird.

-I love Phil Collins.
-No way.

I love Phil Collins, too.

-AW.
-Hmm.

Almost as much as I love you.

(GIGGLING)

-To us.
-To us.

And Mr. Phil Collins.

Sorry, can I borrow your sick bag?

-You not got one of your own?
-Trust me, I'm going to fill "em both.

Going to give this seat one last push,
come on.

-Come on!
- (SCREAMING)

-All right, don't panic.
-What are you doing?

Nurse, nurse, uh, steward-ess,
please help.

Um, could my wife and I exchange seats?
This one appears to be... Sorry.

-Uh, broken.
-Yes, of course, not a problem.

I can find you two together
at the back of the plane.

Do they have to be together?

Excuse me?

Um, I haven't had my snack.

I'm sorry, sir,
I've already served this row.

I wasn't sitting in this row
when you served it.

Yes, but now you'll have to wait because
I'm serving the row you just left.

Isn't that typical?

Ben, you know,
that's the difference between us.

With me, the glass is always half full.

With you,
the glass is always half empty.

-Right now, I'd just settle for a glass.
-Oh, please, stop moaning.

-But why should I?
-Could you both please calm down?

Excuse me?

When you argue, you use more oxygen.
If the pressure goes,

we'll need that oxygen.
You need to preserve the oxygen.

(SIGHING)

Thank you, Shelley Winters.

I think we know who's using
all the oxygen around here.

-You pressed the call button, sir?
-No.

Yes, there's a light flashing
on the wing. Is something wrong?

No, it's completely normal.

Yeah, that's what they always say,
“Everything's fine."

Then before you know it,
it's brace, brace, then bam!

Body parts, twisted metal.

Just relax, okay, calm down.

I mean, these planes are making
countless journeys every day.

Well, they probably don't have time
to service them, most of the time.

-0h, my God!
-Just relax.

Okay, these pilots know
what they're doing,

they're flying these buckets
20, 30 times a day.

They can fly them in their sleep.

Probably are asleep, most of the time.

~The pilot's asleep?
-Well, he's...

The pilot's asleep! He's asleep!

(EXCLAIMING) I'm sorry.

Calm down, just calm down!

Sorry, it's...

Okay, if we do crash, you're hardly
short of an airbag or two, are you?

Mind you, if we hit water, I know
what I'm using as a flotation device.

Do you want to give me a hand
with this piano?

-Janey, you can't flog the piano.
-(EXHALING) Oh, why not?

Now when's the last time
anyone played it?

Look, I know we weren't exactly raised
by Chas and Dave,

but I think our parents might notice
a missing piano.

(SIGHING)

Well, then I hope you found something,
because someone from the show

is coming around this afternoon.

You got us on Cash in the Attic
with one phonecall?

No, first they send an expert around
to do an appraisal.

But if he's impressed,
then it's show time.

A camera crew shows up
and we'll be as famous

as the people on Gash in the Attic.

Who are the people on Gash in the Attic?

I don't know.

Hang on a minute.

I can't hear the engines,
the engines have cut out.

That's because we're on the ground,
we landed.

When?

Just after you hyperventilated
and passed out.

Why does my jaw feel swollen?

You just needed a little help
passing out.

Not again. Why do I have to be
such a nervous passenger?

MAN ON PA: Ladies and gents,
bit of bad news I'm afraid,

there's been a suspected outbreak
of the H7N1 virus in the UK,

and the Spanish authorities
want to keep us in quarantine

until they're certain
no one's carrying it

-Oh, my god.
-Ben, you idiot.

What have I done now?

Sorry, force of habit.

We apologise for any inconvenience,

but we'll try to do our best to make you
feel as comfortable as possible.

Thank you.

1 think I've got the virus,
1 feel sweaty.

You need a little help
passing out again?

Oh, great.

That's just great, stuck in a bubble
in a Spanish airport.

What else could...

You'd think on a plane that size

we would have noticed a nun
with a guitar, wouldn't you?

Oh, the bubble is alive
with the sound of music.

Listen, I know
this isn't what we expected,

but let's try and make the best of it,
shall we?

Oh, yeah, make the best of it.

About to die with a bunch
of morons with a mutant virus.

Oh, that is great.
First a nothing seat, now a nothing bed.

Try lying the other way around.

Can I get you a pillow?

Why don't you just shut up?
Just shut up and let me die in peace.

-You in here, too, are you?
-Oh, nol

Listen, we should keep warm.

Once night falls, it's going to get
pretty cold around here.

We need to make a fire.

-We're on the inside.
-Then we'd better cuddle up.

we'll light a fire.

-Is this it?
-Yup.

The most valuable thing here is the box.

-Hey, how about that clock?
-Nah, mum's always going on about it.

-She'll notice it's missing.
-(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Okay, look, just don't worry,
don't panic, um...

It's going to be
some old, doddery guy, so just

let the miniskirt do the talking.

Hi, you must be from Gash in the Attic,
I'm Janey.

Thorndyke.

Thorndyke, what a sexy name.
Is that a Mr Thorndyke?

-Just Thorndyke.
-Hello, I'm Michael Harper.

Right, before we start, answer me this,

have you ever seen any crooks
or con man on Gash in the Attic?

-No.
-No. Do you know why?

Because the antiques world is a club,

and you just met the bouncer.

Now, I've got another 1@ houses to see
today, so impress me and do it fast.

Unless those are over 200 years old,
I'm not interested, sweetheart.

I can't take any more of this, Susan.

Ben, it's been 10 minutes.

I'm sorry, but your husband's right.

They could keep us in here indefinitely.

We had no meal on the plane,
there's no food in here...

I'm just saying, eventually,
one of us might have to make

the ultimate sacrifice.

Wait, no, not me. I taste horrible.

I've just gone vegetarian.

Those two will probably end up
eating each other.

No, no, in a situation like this,

there's only one thing that
will kill you and that is boredom.

So, what I say is, let's all sit
in a circle and tell some stories.

And maybe Sister Brenda would sing us
a song or two?

1t's like The Poseidon Adventure
without the adventure.

-Why can't you join in for once?
-Because I'm an individual, Susan.

They're in their bubble, I'm in mine.

I'm in my own bubble,
a sort of double bubble.

I'm sorry,
my husband doesn't want to join us.

-Oh, finally, food.
-Ah, great, food.

-Well, now, no, no, you wait your turn.
-No, no, no, no, hang on.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ben.

You can't just join us
for the good times.

-Good times?
-When the going got tough,

you abandoned us.

-Listen, I was two feet away.
-Okay, now listen, has everybody...

No, sorry. Has everybody in our group
got some food? Yep?

Okay, would anybody else like some food?

Yes, I...

Great, at last I get my peanuts.

You made your bed, it collapsed,
now you have to lie in it.

Okay, guys, let's tell some stories.

-Hello, what's your name?
-Pepe.

Pepe. Hello, Pepe. Ben.

You have chocolate, huh?

May I have a little bit
of chocolate, Pepe?

-5i.
-Uh, here...

Hang on, hang on.

(ALARM BLARING)

It's okay, it's all right.
It's all right. It's okay.

It's nothing... Nothing major.

Okay, well, uh, this is a device
for making fizzy drinks.

Now, I believe it dates back
to the 1970s,

-when my father was...
-It's worthless. Move on.

Right, okay, uh...

What about this? Hmm?

I know, it's just a cheese grater,

but it was actually a gift to my aunt
from Princess Anne.

So why does it say IKEA on it?

I think you'll find
that's the royal crest.

-It's IKEA.
-I'm pretty sure it's the royal...

Come on, you're wasting my time.

Okay, okay, well, what about this?

It's been in our family for years.

-I think it's quite an unusual item.
-Ah.

This is a Georgian reproduction
dating back to the 1950s.

-You know who else has one of these?
-Who?

Everybody, it's worthless.
Right, I'm out of here.

-MICHAEL: No, wait.
-Wait, there's more.

Oh, give it up,
there are no antiques in this house.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Except

that.

(TICKING)

Oh, hey. Pepe, hey.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Wa-hey, Barcelona.

(LAUGHING) What'd he say?

(EXCLAIMING) He says, um...

He'd very much like to play football
with you.

Do you, eh? (LAUGHING)

-Big fan back there, Susan.
-Yes.

Let's sleep at different times.

And who should be sitting there
but Chano Dominguez.

-No, not that again.
-Most famous flamenco jazz...

-I don't know how I put up with you.
-Me?

You always have to be
the angry outsider, don't you?

You're not so different from me.

Oh, rubbish,
I'm completely different from you.

Now, if you don't mind, I want to go
and hear Sister Brenda sing.

(GASPING) Can't wait, Sister Brenda,
live in the bubble.

Oh, shut up.

You do realise
this is worth about £3,000 at auction?

Really? But it's so old.

We can't sell it.

Our mum loves that clock.

Let me tell you a little something
about the Attic.

You don't just waltz onto the show
with a load of junk.

-I know, but this Is...
-Newsflash!

Cash in the Atticis one of
the biggest shows on daytime TV,

50 you need to ask yourself,

"Do I really want to do this?"

-Oh, we want to do it...
-Do you?

-I don't think you're hungry enough.
-We are, we're starving.

-For antiques.
-Look, we just need the money.

Then what are you prepared to do?

We're

prepared to sell the antique clock.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

BOTH: We're prepared
to sell the antique clock.

Then, Michael, Janey, your money
worries are well and truly over.

Is the clock really worth that much?

Worth that much? Son...

When bidding starts at the Chiswick
Municipal auction house, trust me,

that baby is going to killl

Well, looks like
we're in the antiques business.

(SIGHING) It's weird.

I feel excited and bored
at the same time.

(MOUTHING)

Chano Dominguez, probably...

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

Stealing food from nuns now, I see.

Look, she had food, I had none.
Did she help the needy? No.

Because she is a one-way nun, Susan.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have been observing you for a while.

Oh, my God, they saw me.

And as nobody has exhibited
any signs of the virus,

we'll shortly be releasing you.

(ALL SIGHING)

(CHOKING)

(MUTTERING)

(COUGHING)

I'm sorry, but in the light
of this man's symptoms,

we better postpone that decision
for another 24 hours.

No, no, no, it's okay. I'm not sick.

we'll be back shortly
to take blood tests.

No, it's okay, it's fine.
You don't understand, it's all right.

I'm fine.
I was just choking on a banana.

Hang on.

That was my banana.

You actually stole a nun's banana?

What kind of a person steals a banana
from a nun?

All right, see, I'm not sick.
We are all fine, we can go now.

It's all right, there's nothing
remotely wrong with me.

Is there, Susan?

I have never met this man before
in my Life.

I cannot believe you disowned me
last night.

Over a banana.

-It was like the last supper.
-50 you're Jesus now.

-What happened to loyalty?
-What happened to tolerance?

Why can't you just tolerate
these people?

-These are just normal, decent people.
-Normal, decent? Are you...

They're just bunch of do-gooders,
and know-it-alls,

and I've had it up to here.

(GIGGLING)

Can we just say, you are an angel.

Mmm, I mean, we know that
marriages take work,

but, my word,
you really put the effort in.

-Well done, you.
-Yeah.

Well done, you.

-Yay, Susan.
-Susan, yay.

Patronising kids.

You know who should be sitting there
but Chano Dominguez...

He's probably the most famous flamenco
jazz pianist working in Spain today.

Does he ever get tired
of that stupid story?

Patience, Susan.

Listen, I think I know someone
who can help us through this.

-Really, who?
-Jesus.

-He is the way, the truth, the light.
-Yes.

-Shame he's not the door.
-Well, there's no need for sarcasm.

Yes, I know, I don't like this any more
than you do, Pepe.

Idiot!
-Hmm? No, that's singular.

You want to try the plural, you know,
"They're all idiots."

Idiot!
-Yeah. No, no, no, try another word.

Try cretins or morons
or numbskulls or something.

-You are the idiot!
-I see.

That's why you're using the singular,
that's very good.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, fine, just starting to get
a little cabin fever, that's all.

Ah, that's an interesting story.
Now do you know the origin

-to the phrase cabin fever?
-Yes.

You know, they're never going to
let us out of here, don't you?

-Oh, you're being ridiculous.
-Am I? Am I?

-Yes. Yes.
-I'm telling you, Susan,

they'll contain this virus at any cost.
At any cost!

Will you please just stop talking?

Nol Silence is what they want,
they want to hush this whole thing up.

Sure, they'll tell us we're free to go,

but the minute we go
through that door...

-Baml
-Oh, my God!

-Bullet to the back of the head.
Starting to sound appealing.

# He's got the whole world

# In his hands
he's got the whole wide world #

Come on, Susan, join.

-No, thank you.
-Come on, Susan, join us.

No, really.

-Go, Susan. Go, Susan.
-Go, Susan.

Will you people shut the hell up?

# He's got a very angry lady

# In his hands
he's got a very angry lady

# In his hands he's got... #

What is wrong with you?

Sister Brenda, did you never hear
about the vow of silence?

And you, Captain Anecdote,

nobody gives a rat's ass about

Chano Do-bloody-minguez.

And as for you,
you're going to die one day.

Live with it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the blood tests have come back negative.

You are free to go.

(CHEERING)

I have never been more attracted
to you than I am right now.

Yeah, and we're all enjoying
the flamenco evening,

and who should I bump into?

No, not Chano Dominguez.

Alfredo Cortes,
the champion bullfighter.

He used his sword to slice my chorizo.

Hello?

Hello?

-I told you not to fiddle with it.
-Idid not fiddle with it.

(EXCLAIMING)

Idiot!

This is terrible weather for flying.

And I read somewhere that
most planes crash on the return leg.

-I'm telling you, Susan.
-{PUNCHING SOUND)

-Passed out again?
-Yup.

So, what do you think?
Not bad for 2@ quid, huh?

MICHAEL: We're never going to
get away with it.

-Looks nothing like the old one.
-What? It's similar.

In that it's a clock.

-Hey! Hey, guys.
-Hey!

-Oh, welcome back, how was the holiday?
-Yes, good, great, great, yeah.

-We actually got on for a change.
-We barely left the hotel room.

Oh, and here's a cheque for £3,000,

for you two.
-I'm sorry?

Because of what happened,
we were reimbursed for the whole trip.

-Yeah, about that we didn't...
-Really, really, really appreciate it.

-Thanks, Mum.
-Uh, uh, uh, and Dad, too.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I could have
kept that money for myself, you know.

-In fact, he tried to.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Come on, let's go unpack, sefforita.
-54, si, si, sefior.

(ALARM RINGING)

(CLOCK CUCKOOING)

BEN: Michael!
SUSAN: Janey!