All language subtitles for Crisis.in.Six.Scenes.S01E01.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[* Jefferson Airplane:
"Volunteers"]

[upbeat rock music]

* *

[man] * Look what's happening
out in the streets *

[man] * Got a revolution *
[women] * Got to revolution *

[man] * Hey, I'm dancing
down the streets *

[man] * Got a revolution *
[women] * Got to revolution *

[man] * Oh, ain't it amazing
all the people I meet *

[man] * Got a revolution *
[women] * Got to revolution *

[man] * One generation
got old *

* One generation got soul *

* This generation got
no destination to hold *

[woman] * Pick up the cry *

[man] * Hey, now it's
time for you and me *

[man] * Got a revolution *
[women] * Got to revolution *

[man] * Hey, come on now,
we're marching to the sea *

[man] * Got a revolution *
[women] * Got to revolution *

[man] * Who will take it from
you, we will, and who are we *

* Well, we are
volunteers of America

* Volunteers of America *

* Volunteers of America *

* Volunteers of America *

* *

* I've got a revolution *

* *

* Oh, got a revolution... *

* *

[man] The 1960s,
American society is brought

to the verge of revolution,

and in the midst
of this social turmoil

is Sidney Muntzinger.

Just, you got to trim a little
and take a little off the top.

You know, right here
would be very good.

There's not too much
on the top to begin with.

Yeah, no, I know,
but you know,

here, I tore a picture
out of a magazine,

and I thought, you know,
if you could do this,

just shape it like that.

That's James Dean.

Yeah, and if
you could do that,

you know, I'd like
that kind of cut there.

I can't make you
look like James Dean.

No, I know, I don't
expect that, obviously,

but, you know, come
as close as you can.

I can work on your hair
for ten years Sidney,

you're never gonna
look like James Dean.

I understand
Dominic, I get it,

but you know, give it your
best shot, is all I'm asking.

Okay, all right,
all right.

So I finished
your last novel.

Mm-hmm, okay.

Finally, took all winter.

Why? It was just a novella.

It was not even 200 pages.

Well, I kept dozing off.

Well, you know, you know,
you get up early,

so those hours...

I thought I might have
a sleep disorder,

like narcolepsy, you know?

But my doctor said
it was the book.

See when I read in bed,
my eyes get tired

unless I'm really gripped, or
at least somewhat interested.

I really...
Don't trim the ears.

Leave my ears full,
same size as when I came in.

At least if I care about
the characters, you know,

even one of them.

Well, you know, literature
is a very personal taste.

I wouldn't exactly
call it literature,

although I liked it
better than your last one.

[Sidney] Mm-hmm.

This one was
at least coherent.

My last one was
postmodern, so...

Yeah, it was totally
incoherent, totally.

I wouldn't exactly call it
incoherent, Dominic.

Oh, come on, it
was like the ravings

of a madman, a lunatic,

or let's say a guy with
limited intelligence.

Uh, yes, well...

I saw a lot of you
in that character.

Yeah, can you
just cut the hair?

So you're writing another?

Or did I read your
publisher went bankrupt?

Um, I'm working on an idea
for a television series now.

Ah, probably an easier
medium for you.

But don't make the
TV show incoherent.

No, I'm gonna do my best
to keep it rational.

- So, you know...
- What's it about?

It's a family thing,
you know.

Oh, I see, the usual
dysfunctional family

with the wise-cracking
wife and kids

and much-harassed
husband kind of thing?

- Uh...
- Yeah? Yeah.

Good idea.
You know what?

Stick with what works
for other people.

Let 'em say cliché,
what do you care?

You'll be humiliated
all the way to the bank.

I didn't say clichéd.
It was...

Look, there's no
stigma, you know?

Just because a TV series
is considered lowbrow

compared to a book,
come on.

Yeah, well, it's,
you know, very lucrative,

and, uh, there's not a lot
of money in novels, so...

No, not unless you're
Salinger, which you're not.

Your wife still work?

Oh, yeah, she sees
people up at the house,

but limited, you know,
not as much anymore.

How do you decide if
someone's marriage goes bad,

between a marriage
counselor and a shrink?

Well, they're very
different, you know.

Kay, Kay is
a marriage counselor.

A shrink is a completely
different thing.

I love the picture you
showed me of your house,

by the way; it was
really beautiful.

I'm a very lucky guy,
you know, when I think of it,

I got a lovely wife.
I got a great marriage.

I got great grandchildren.
I, you know...

I just live...
I don't know.

I'm blessed.
I'm blessed.

Yeah, so was Job.
Then one, two, three,

God fucked him over.

[jazzy music]

So tell me,
Mr. and Mrs. Bellman,

exactly what
marital difficulties

bring you here today?

We argue.

We don't argue
about material things.

For instance, he wants
to live in the city;

I want to live
in the country.

He doesn't want me to work;
I want to work.

I love sports;
she hates sports.

I love movies;
she hates movies.

I love restaurants;
she likes to eat at home.

He hates my cooking.

I can't stand his snoring.

I can't stand
his terrible jokes.

I hate her laugh.

I hate that she loves
to shop and runs up the bills.

I can't stand that he's
frugal, a cheapskate,

and yet an embarrassing
over-tipper, plays the big shot.

She sleeps
with the window open.

I need air-conditioning.

He refuses to travel.
He isn't romantic.

He doesn't remember my
birthday or anniversary.

She doesn't find me
sexually appealing.

Uh, he can't stand
my family.

She hates classical music
and must have a dog,

and I hate dogs.

Uh-huh.

So, um, are there any things
that you agree on?

Neither one of us
likes guacamole.

Okay, that's a beginning.

I mean, it's really obvious
that the two of you

love each other, and I think
we can build on guacamole.

[jazzy music]

* *

Kay?

I'm home.

[Kay] Uh, in the office.

How do you like my haircut?

Oh, you got a haircut?

Yeah, you can't tell?

Who do I look like?

What do you mean?

What actor do I look like?

- What actor do you look like?
- Mm-hmm.

Um, let me think
for a minute.

Um...

Franklin Pangborn.

- Who?
- Franklin Pangborn.

Who is Franklin Pangborn?

He seems sort of a mincing,
effeminate little actor

who plays a floorwalker
in movies, and he's just great.

He really is.
He has only minor roles.

But he has a silly moustache,

W.C. Fields makes fun of him
in a lot of movies.

That's not what
I had in mind, Kay.

Look, look more closely.

Elisha Cook Jr.?

Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it.

What's new?
Anything happen today or...

Uh, there was a massacre
of civilians in Vietnam.

Mm-hmm.

There was a riot
in a college in Michigan.

And in San Francisco,
there was a bombing

and a jailbreak by
the Black Liberation...

Yeah, but did anything happen
at home, any good news,

anything interesting, or...

Yes, they fixed
the television set.

Oh, great.

So right in time for the
baseball season, terrific.

Yes, baseball
all day long today.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, the girls.
- Who's that?

The girls, the girls are here.

Oh, God, not that
silly book club.

Oh, it takes only an hour,

and Jane and Doug
are coming over

and they're gonna bring steaks,
and you can grill

on your new barbecue
and work it out.

Hello, hi.
Come on in!

Hi.

[jazzy music]

- Hello.
- Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

* *

- Good to see you.
- Hi. Hi, sweetie.

- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So...
- Yeah.

He wakes up one morning,

and he's turned
into a giant cockroach.

[laughter]

I hate science fiction!

It's not science fiction.
It's supposed to be symbolic.

Right? Or am I
reading this wrong?

No, but the author has already
left me behind, I mean...

What does the insect
symbolize?

The insect obviously suffers
from low self-esteem.

From guilt.

Could it be
from original sin?

[woman] Ooh.
- Oh.

Um, have we ever
considered the relationship

of Kafka to his father?

Is he the one who kills his
father and marries his mother?

God, listen to her.
That's Hercules.

Oh, Jesus, this is
a state-of-the-art machine,

and I can't work it.
It won't work.

Here, here, look
at these steaks.

We got 'em shipped
in from Nebraska.

You know, I think
we're gonna get a storm.

Let's go in and make 'em
in the stove.

Oh, God, why can every
mental defective barbecue,

and I can't get
the barbecue to go?

I didn't even think
you ate steak.

Yeah, I read an article
in a magazine that said

you can add years
to your life

if you avoid
anything pleasurable.

Jesus, I can't get
this thing to work,

It just...no matter
what I do, it doesn't work.

S.J. Muntzinger, he's
a brilliant author, brilliant,

but he can't change a fuse.

Is it true that you
began as a writer

for an advertising agency?

He wrote the commercials

for Stillman's
Orthopedic Ice Cream.

Yeah, they were trying
to play down the sugar

and fat content,
so I came up with the idea

that if they called it
Orthopedic Ice Cream,

it'd be a big seller.

- I remember those!
- Yeah!

Oh, for starters Allen
and Ellie are gonna be

having dinner with us tonight.

Who?

Allen, the boy

who's staying with us.

Oh him, oh, well,

I wouldn't call him a boy.

He's kind of a boy.
I mean, he's young,

and his parents are very
good friends of ours,

and he's taking his
master's in business.

So, uh, they're
very conservative,

and NYU is way down
in Greenwich Village,

and they're afraid...
they don't want him

to meet any hippies
or druggies, so...

Yeah, he's
a very straight kid.

And they're coming down in
about a month to meet Ellie,

who...his fiancée, and she's
a lovely girl, lovely girl.

Hey, tell 'em who introduced
the two of 'em.

S.J. Muntzinger
introduced them.

Yeah, I was downtown
at art gallery

and there's this
pretty blonde there,

and I'm talking to her,
and she's educated and rich.

You know, I figured
this is it for Allen.

She's a debutante.
She came out.

That's all the parents
had to hear, you know?

They think that he's
marrying Grace Kelly.

Oh, that's so great.

So they fell in love?

Yeah, completely.

Oh, I bet they'll
have a big wedding.

Oh it's so romantic
when your kids fall in love.

You miss the kids
not being home?

Oh, you should
see our grandson.

He looks like Robert Redford,
and he's brilliant.

Robert Redford.

You know who you look
like with that haircut?

- I just realized.
- Who's that?

You know the actor
Percy Helton?

Who?

Percy Helton.

Percy Helton, I see it.

- Right?
- Yeah, it's perfect!

You know, he always played
a kind of cringing,

squeaky-voiced little loser.

[thunder crashes]

Let's go inside.

We'll cook the steaks
inside,

'cause there's gonna be
an electrical storm tonight,

and this is not gonna ever
work, and it's a catastrophe.

Oh, yes, there was
turbulence in the stars.

You know, I did all
of our horoscopes today,

and it said that you and Kay
were in for some kind

of a shocking experience.

Oh, well.

So your parents
haven't met hers yet?

Well, actually they've spoken
to each other on the phone,

and they hit it off well.

Oh, a wedding at The Plaza,

it sounds so elegant.

What was the hotel that we
got married in, in New Orleans?

The Scorpion.

The Scorpion.

Where will you honeymoon?

- Um, Europe?
- Mm-hmm.

Rome, Athens.

Oh, Doug and I are going
on a cruise this fall.

Yeah, we're going
to the Greek islands.

I know it's silly
to ask if you want to come.

Well, um, Sid on a cruise...

Is the cruise on a boat?

[laughs]
Definitely.

- On water too.
- It's a big boat.

I'm sure, and it doesn't rock,

except as soon as you
get on it, it rocks.

Um, let me say two words to you,
if you're going on a cruise,

two words: food poisoning,
okay, inevitable.

And then you're out
in the middle of the Atlantic,

it's 12 midnight,
your appendix bursts.

Well, they have
helicopters.

They can take you
right to a hospital.

You gonna go on a helicopter,
with the little pin that

holds the blades, the little
tiny pin holds those blades?

And you want to be
operated on in a hospital

in some foreign...

You want open-heart surgery
in the Cameroons?

[chuckling]

Sid doesn't like to be
anywhere but home

and in his own little spot
on the bed with a ball game

playing on the television,

and he likes his routine
to be unruffled.

You know, I got to say
I agree with him.

So what are you gonna do
after you get your master's?

Allen's going to go
into his father's business.

Oh, what's that?

Um, money management.

Oh, maybe I should
talk to your father.

No, his father
doesn't handle any client

that doesn't have
a million dollars.

- A million dollars?
[Sid] Yeah.

That's all right.
I've got, uh, let me see.

It's like, you know,
$50, $54, $54.

You guys have to...
You got to excuse us.

- We, uh, should get going.
- Oh no!

We're going to see some
great folk music downtown.

- Oh, folk music, wow.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- Well, you're excused!

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

- It was a pleasure to meet you.
- You too.

- Lovely to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you.

There's dessert, right?

Well, so shall we go
to the den and have coffee?

They make such
a nice couple.

[Doug] I know.
Ha, to be young again.

[Sid] Not me, I would
not like to be young

and get shipped off to Vietnam.

The news, the news.

Oh, no, don't depress me.

Oh, boy, did you ever think
you'd see America like this?

So polarized,
you know, these riots,

uh, black versus white,

uh, male versus female,
young versus old?

[man] These strikes
will continue

until the Vietnam War ends,

and there is no end
to this war in sight.

I hate this stupid war.

Oh, I know. You know,
our friends' kids wanted us

to go and demonstrate
in Washington last week,

but I don't know.
I think I'm too old for that.

Well, I would have gone,
but Sid...

Yeah, yeah, forget it!

You know, I'm allergic
to tear gas.

Well, what about
Allen the bridegroom?

I mean, isn't he worried about
being drafted and sent over?

He's 4F.
He's got a herniated thing.

- Oh.
- I was always 4F, proud of it.

I was psychologically unfit.

- [laughs]
- The draft board told him that.

- No.
- You know, I served proudly.

I, uh, have a Purple Heart.

I had a yellow streak.

[man] The revolutionary group
that calls themselves

the Constitutional
Liberation Army.

Riots broke out on
half a dozen college campuses

protesting the war

and the present
administration's policies.

[bright acoustic guitar music]

* Here's a warning
if you'll take it *

* *

* If your heart
belonged to me *

* *

* I'd renew your warranty *

[cheers and applause]

They're very nice people,
Sidney and Kay.

Oh, yeah, well, Sidney,

he's one of my father's
oldest friends,

and they get along great,

unless the subject of
Vietnam comes up of course.

Sidney's a liberal?

No, Kay is a liberal.

Sid, he's an ostrich,

lives his life with his
head in the sand, you know?

And, Dad, he's that
classic Orange County type.

Oh, God, I love the idea
of living in California.

I've got so many friends
out there.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you
thinking about?

I don't know.
Sometimes I just feel this

tremendous guilt over not
getting drafted, you know?

I mean, do I really want to go
into my father's business?

Just, so many of my friends,
they're politically active,

and, you know, we're living
in these exciting times

where things are
constantly changing.

Maybe I should go
into law school,

do constitutional
law, I don't know.

Law is fascinating.

And so many
of my classmates,

they're over in Vietnam, and
they're serving and fighting,

and some of 'em are dying,
and for what?

Well, you can't think
about that too much.

It'll drive you nuts.

Be thankful you have
a herniated disk.

I guess.

I do love that you struggle
with those thoughts.

Struggle's right.

It's enough
to drive you crazy.

I love you.

We have to name one
of our kids after Sidney,

or S.J. Muntzinger, as he
pretentiously writes under.

He did introduce us.

Yes, uh, maybe.

He's a great kid, you know?

And his parents
should give me a medal

for bringing the two
of them together,

because the girl
is exactly

what they always
wanted for him.

She's bright.
She's lovely.

She's educated.

She's cultivated,
you know.

She's not one of those
crazy, dope-smoking hippies.

Young love,
it's so romantic.

I know. I know.
It's sweet to see them.

Do you remember
when you were trying

to get me away
from Henry Goodwin?

You killed yourself
trying to get...

The fat, the fat,
stuttering guy

that had the crush
on you, right?

Yeah, he proposed to me.
He proposed to me.

But what happened
to him? My God.

He won the Nobel Prize
for Chemistry

and then made a billion dollars
over some drug he invented.

Oh, well, you're lucky you
didn't wind up with him then,

because, you know,
you got me instead, so...

No, I do have you,
and I'm very, very happy

to have the man, the man
who wrote commercials

for the ad agency.

That's right.
It may not be a Nobel Prize,

but I did win something
for my commercial

for the Earl of Sussex
Frozen Fishbowls.

- Yeah.
- Let's now forget that.

You know, I always thought
that it would have been

much better if they
were smaller fishbowls,

because then that way,
not so many people

would have choked on them.

Yes, that was
a little problem

for the company for a while
that we did.

Uh, all I know is that
I wound up finally

with the right woman,
the right wife.

- Oh.
- Could not be happier.

We, we are very,
very lucky people.

Shall I say my prayers
in the event

that there's a God and I've
been wrong all these years?

Do you think we should've...

Do you think we should've
gone to Washington

to demonstrate?

Right, get some sleep.

God bless the
Muntzinger household.

Yes, if you're listening,
that goes double for me.

And if you happen to think
of any new tax loopholes

my accountant
hasn't thought of,

just slip it into
my dream tonight.

Good night, honey.
Sweet dreams.

Ah, good night,
good night.

Hey, you know,
you know who came up,

whose name today
when I was...

Ugh, so tired.

You know who my barber
mentioned today

in conjunction with me?

Job.
Can you believe that?

- Oh! [giggles]
- Ah.

Well, good night, honey.

Oh, good night,
good night.

[jazzy music]

* *

Jesus, oh, my God.

What?
What happened?

I forgot to turn
the alarm on.

How could you forget
to turn the alarm on?

You've turned it on
every night

since we moved in here
26 years ago.

I know, but, you know,
better safe than sorry.

Oh, don't, don't be paranoid.

- Really, just relax.
- God, I'm...

I'm not paranoid,
but I'm so tired,

I don't believe any...
[mumbling indistinctly]

Honey, honey,
don't be an old lady.

Lie back down again.

You're gonna survive one night
without a burglar alarm.

Oh, geez.

I wish I hadn't read
In Cold Blood.

You know, they cut
Mr. Clutter's throat.

Okay. All right.

Go downstairs
and turn the burglar alarm on,

because we're not gonna get
any sleep until you do.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Go ahead.

No, my shrink thinks
I'm paranoid, so I'm just...

I'm too tired.

That's fine.

[jazzy music]

* *

[door handle rattling quietly]

* *

[lock clicks]

* *

[door creaking open]

* *

[rattling, thump]

Did you hear that?

Mm-hmm.

Did you hear that?

What?

Why are you waking me?

I thought I heard something.

No, it's nothing.

It's nothing.
Leave me alone.

Go to sleep.

Believe me,
there's nothin' doin'.

[jazzy music]

* *

[jazz flute]

* *