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1
00:00:02,649 --> 00:00:04,485
Once we clear Keasbey,
2
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,659
it's a straight shot
down the Garden State Parkway
3
00:00:07,692 --> 00:00:09,596
until we hit the Pine Barrens.
4
00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:11,266
And let me tell you,
5
00:00:11,299 --> 00:00:13,604
the Pine Barrens is
some forest primeval shit.
6
00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:16,610
LASZLO: Sean has invited us
to his family's cabin
7
00:00:16,644 --> 00:00:18,346
in the New Jersey woodlands.
8
00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:20,552
-The Pine Barrens.
-Which is the same thing.
9
00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:23,591
-For a weekend hunting trip.
-NANDOR: We vampires
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,160
do not hunt.
11
00:00:25,194 --> 00:00:26,697
Of course we fucking do.
We hunt humans.
12
00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:28,033
Does that count, though?
13
00:00:28,066 --> 00:00:29,503
SEAN:
Nothing wrong
14
00:00:29,536 --> 00:00:32,609
with a long weekend
away from the ladies.
15
00:00:32,642 --> 00:00:34,513
"We dem boys," am I right?
16
00:00:34,546 --> 00:00:37,051
-NANDOR: Yes.
-Indeed, but remember,
17
00:00:37,084 --> 00:00:38,788
Nandor and I need to be back
18
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:41,392
no later than 5:00 a. m.
on Sunday.
19
00:00:41,426 --> 00:00:43,564
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs
at the railroad.
20
00:00:43,598 --> 00:00:45,334
You're like
a broken record, Laz.
21
00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:47,672
Yes, we them boys
who work at the railroad.
22
00:00:47,706 --> 00:00:49,275
SEAN:
You know,
23
00:00:49,308 --> 00:00:51,547
that kid looks like the spitting
image of Colin Robinson.
24
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:53,383
It's like Little Baby Dilbert
over here.
25
00:00:53,416 --> 00:00:55,555
Well, as we mentioned before,
26
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,260
Colin Robinson
is the child's uncle,
27
00:00:58,293 --> 00:01:01,266
so according to genetics,
that story makes perfect sense.
28
00:01:01,299 --> 00:01:02,836
SEAN:
Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread,
29
00:01:02,869 --> 00:01:04,438
what you playing back there?
30
00:01:04,472 --> 00:01:06,276
-Oh, no. What the fuck...
-Oh, it's a game called
31
00:01:06,309 --> 00:01:09,315
"Welcome to Bloxburg,"
and it's a game on Roblox
32
00:01:09,348 --> 00:01:11,520
and you can build your own house
33
00:01:11,553 --> 00:01:14,593
or get a job like a pizza maker
or woodcutter
34
00:01:14,626 --> 00:01:16,095
or insurance adjust...
35
00:01:16,129 --> 00:01:17,799
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
36
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:20,470
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
37
00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:23,711
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
38
00:01:23,744 --> 00:01:26,650
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
39
00:01:26,684 --> 00:01:29,355
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
40
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:33,263
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
41
00:01:33,296 --> 00:01:35,735
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
42
00:01:35,768 --> 00:01:38,306
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
43
00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:42,214
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
44
00:01:42,749 --> 00:01:45,153
♪ ♪
45
00:01:50,498 --> 00:01:52,502
-(crickets chirping)
-(Nadja and Nadja Doll laughing)
46
00:01:52,535 --> 00:01:54,539
You look very nice in the bath.
Look at you.
47
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,476
-Thank you, honey.
-With the boys being away
48
00:01:56,510 --> 00:01:58,514
on this hunting trip with Sean,
49
00:01:58,547 --> 00:02:01,185
it is just so...
(chuckling) ...nice
50
00:02:01,219 --> 00:02:03,423
to have the house
to myself for a change.
51
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,162
To ourselves. There's two of us.
52
00:02:06,195 --> 00:02:07,431
Oh, yes. Of course.
53
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,404
It's really nice to have
the whole house to myself,
54
00:02:10,437 --> 00:02:11,907
for once.
(chuckles)
55
00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:14,713
Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja
and Baby Colin are all gone,
56
00:02:14,746 --> 00:02:18,353
I get to choose what I want
to do for a change.
57
00:02:18,386 --> 00:02:20,858
We really needed a break
from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,
58
00:02:20,892 --> 00:02:22,428
and the small weird creature
59
00:02:22,461 --> 00:02:24,432
that clawed its way out of
the abdominal cavity
60
00:02:24,465 --> 00:02:26,937
of our deceased
former friend Colin Robinson.
61
00:02:26,970 --> 00:02:28,808
GUILLERMO:
It's rare that anyone leaves me alone,
62
00:02:28,841 --> 00:02:31,647
so I'm gonna have my family
over tomorrow night.
63
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,452
I've been putting it off
for, like...
64
00:02:34,485 --> 00:02:35,722
12 years?
65
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,730
This house, it can be
a lot of male energy.
66
00:02:39,763 --> 00:02:40,732
NADJA:
Oh.
67
00:02:40,765 --> 00:02:42,502
I mean, duh.
68
00:02:42,535 --> 00:02:44,238
-(cackling)
-(playing magic flute)
69
00:02:44,271 --> 00:02:45,808
NADJA:
So while they're off in the forest,
70
00:02:45,842 --> 00:02:47,478
we will be having
a good, old-fashioned
71
00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:48,781
sloppy girls' night at home.
72
00:02:48,814 --> 00:02:51,252
-NADJA DOLL : Yes.
-And you know,
73
00:02:51,285 --> 00:02:53,657
I think the weekend will be
very good for the boys, too.
74
00:02:53,691 --> 00:02:55,260
Did you want to help
with the bags?
75
00:02:55,293 --> 00:02:56,630
I wasn't planning to, no.
76
00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:58,801
-NANDOR: Okay, thank you.
-Thank you.
77
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:01,272
NADJA:
Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently.
78
00:03:01,305 --> 00:03:03,476
You know, for the past
one or two or...
79
00:03:03,511 --> 00:03:05,213
actually, about 80 years.
80
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:06,850
(playing flute)
81
00:03:06,884 --> 00:03:08,788
You want to help with the door?
82
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,357
I wasn't planning to, no.
83
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,327
-Okay, thank you.
-Thank you.
84
00:03:12,361 --> 00:03:13,731
NADJA:
It's good
85
00:03:13,764 --> 00:03:15,668
that they're going to have
a chance to reconnect.
86
00:03:15,702 --> 00:03:18,541
SEAN:
Put all the bags in there, all right?
87
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:19,408
Eesh.
88
00:03:19,442 --> 00:03:20,410
Now, that up there,
89
00:03:20,444 --> 00:03:22,682
I got that when I was 14.
90
00:03:22,716 --> 00:03:24,553
Took me nine shots,
but I got it.
91
00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:27,759
First time I ever saw
something die.
92
00:03:28,994 --> 00:03:30,732
But it wouldn't be the last.
93
00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:34,873
Well, marksmanship
clearly runs in the family.
94
00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:37,512
That's a very impressive
collection of firearms.
95
00:03:37,545 --> 00:03:39,783
Oh, yeah. Well,
it's mostly my granddad's.
96
00:03:39,816 --> 00:03:42,321
He started collecting them
when he bought the cabin
97
00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:44,458
from this Polish guy
he used to bowl with,
98
00:03:44,493 --> 00:03:45,928
you know, before the cataracts.
99
00:03:45,962 --> 00:03:48,634
It's always sad when a Polish
fellow gets cataracts.
100
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,605
No, I think what Sean is saying
101
00:03:50,638 --> 00:03:52,408
is that his grandfather
got the cataracts,
102
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,245
which is why he could
no longer do bowling
103
00:03:54,278 --> 00:03:55,447
with the Polish fellow.
104
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,683
SEAN:
Actually, the problem was...
105
00:03:56,717 --> 00:03:58,019
LASZLO:
No, no, hold on, Sean. No.
106
00:03:58,052 --> 00:04:00,992
The Polish fellow
got the cataracts,
107
00:04:01,025 --> 00:04:03,329
ending his bowling career,
108
00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:04,633
cutting his income,
109
00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:07,004
forcing him to sell
this cabin, clearly.
110
00:04:07,037 --> 00:04:08,607
NANDOR:
The problem with Laszlo
111
00:04:08,641 --> 00:04:10,912
is that he cannot admit
that there's something
112
00:04:10,945 --> 00:04:12,515
that even he does not know.
113
00:04:12,549 --> 00:04:14,719
He thinks that he knows
all things.
114
00:04:14,753 --> 00:04:16,924
And if there's one thing
I cannot abide,
115
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:20,430
it is someone
who's a know-it-all-things.
116
00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:23,336
-Actually...
-If I could just take a moment, Sean,
117
00:04:23,369 --> 00:04:25,407
I know a thing or two
about fellows,
118
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,411
and I would say
it is more than likely
119
00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,681
that the Polish fellow
120
00:04:28,714 --> 00:04:31,887
went bowling
with other fellows for fun
121
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,291
and not for his livelihood.
122
00:04:34,325 --> 00:04:36,362
LASZLO:
Nandor's problem is
123
00:04:36,395 --> 00:04:39,503
he has a bird-sized brain
in a mammoth-sized body.
124
00:04:39,536 --> 00:04:40,938
-Wouldn't you say?
-(screeches)
125
00:04:40,972 --> 00:04:43,878
Well, you see, that theory
betrays an ignorance...
126
00:04:43,911 --> 00:04:46,783
-Oh...
-...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well
127
00:04:46,817 --> 00:04:49,523
vis-à-vis bowling
competition money.
128
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:50,858
Agree to disagree.
129
00:04:50,892 --> 00:04:52,495
Boy, do your thing.
130
00:04:52,529 --> 00:04:56,670
Hey, Siri, search "Polish
bowlers top cash prize earners."
131
00:04:56,703 --> 00:05:00,043
SIRI (over iPad):
Okay, I found this on the web for "bowling Polish
132
00:05:00,076 --> 00:05:01,445
top cash prize earners."
133
00:05:01,479 --> 00:05:02,916
-Check it out.
-LASZLO: Yes?
134
00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:07,391
It's a Wikipedia page
for someone called Daria Pajak.
135
00:05:07,424 --> 00:05:08,761
Read the page.
136
00:05:08,794 --> 00:05:11,533
"Daria Pajak is a professional
bowling player
137
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,069
-from Poland..."
-LASZLO: From Poland.
138
00:05:13,102 --> 00:05:14,906
COLIN: "...who competes on the
professional women's bowling..."
139
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,475
-LAZSLO: That's right, my boy.
-(grunts) Shut up!
140
00:05:16,510 --> 00:05:17,679
-COLIN: Hey!
-LASZLO: Very mature.
141
00:05:17,712 --> 00:05:20,350
-(crickets chirping)
-(snoring)
142
00:05:20,383 --> 00:05:22,555
(snoring)
143
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,425
Right.
144
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,661
COLIN:
So, what are we doing?
145
00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:27,932
Time for a little hunting
of our own.
146
00:05:27,966 --> 00:05:29,703
The most dangerous game--
147
00:05:29,736 --> 00:05:31,405
-hunting humans...
-The hunters become the hunted.
148
00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:33,644
Fucking hell.
Stop interrupting me.
149
00:05:33,677 --> 00:05:35,781
-COLIN: Eesh.
-(Nandor clears throat)
150
00:05:35,815 --> 00:05:38,353
NANDOR:
I have recently been experimenting
151
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:39,956
with echolocation.
152
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:41,459
(video game blipping)
153
00:05:41,493 --> 00:05:43,129
(whistling)
154
00:05:43,162 --> 00:05:45,467
(blipping continues)
155
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,471
-COLIN: Hey, Lazzo, guess what?
-What?
156
00:05:47,505 --> 00:05:50,811
I need more Robux to buy
gamer wings for my avatar
157
00:05:50,845 --> 00:05:53,116
-because guess what?
-What?
158
00:05:53,149 --> 00:05:54,753
-I already have the Gamer Cloak.
-Enough.
159
00:05:54,786 --> 00:05:56,657
You're going to scare away
the humans.
160
00:05:56,690 --> 00:06:00,096
Silence is the hunter's
greatest weapon.
161
00:06:00,130 --> 00:06:01,833
And you're shitting all over it.
162
00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:03,604
Uh, can we go?
I'm on eight percent.
163
00:06:08,814 --> 00:06:11,385
SEAN: You know, you're lucky
to have a guy like Lasz
164
00:06:11,419 --> 00:06:12,855
-taking care of you.
-I guess.
165
00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:16,730
Sometimes I think that Lazzo
doesn't like me so much.
166
00:06:16,763 --> 00:06:18,701
Are you kidding me?
He loves you.
167
00:06:18,734 --> 00:06:20,972
He's always saying,
"I'm not gonna have you grow up
168
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:24,044
to be a bald-headed,
energy-sucking bore."
169
00:06:24,078 --> 00:06:27,050
Huh, that's why my old man
wouldn't let me watch PBS.
170
00:06:27,084 --> 00:06:28,520
COLIN:
Do you think I'm boring?
171
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,858
What? You got your little
computer pad,
172
00:06:30,892 --> 00:06:32,829
and a... stick.
173
00:06:32,862 --> 00:06:35,000
And a whole bunch of other
neat stuff, right?
174
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:36,603
What else do you like doing?
175
00:06:36,637 --> 00:06:39,743
Well, I like to go
into the basement in the house
176
00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:43,517
and smash holes
into the wall with a hammer.
177
00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,487
Like, really hard.
178
00:06:45,521 --> 00:06:47,525
Just over and over again.
179
00:06:47,558 --> 00:06:49,763
Just smashing and smashing
180
00:06:49,796 --> 00:06:52,635
and smashing,
and I can't help it.
181
00:06:52,669 --> 00:06:54,071
It makes me feel good.
182
00:06:54,104 --> 00:06:56,777
But like, only walls, right?
183
00:06:56,810 --> 00:07:00,518
You don't like, uh... smashing
a person or something?
184
00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:02,187
(women whooping)
185
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,391
(cackling)
186
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,932
NADJA:
So our evening is off to a wonderful start.
187
00:07:07,966 --> 00:07:11,873
♪ There's a girl in the village
With one very small foot. ♪
188
00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:13,944
NADJA:
Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us,
189
00:07:13,978 --> 00:07:16,115
and she fits right in.
Everybody!
190
00:07:16,148 --> 00:07:18,554
She looks very like a girl
from my village
191
00:07:18,587 --> 00:07:19,889
called Celina,
192
00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:21,827
but she's just wearing
much less pig skin.
193
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,564
(whooping)
You can do it.
194
00:07:23,597 --> 00:07:25,100
-(chanting): Go me. Go me.
-(Marwa vocalizing)
195
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:28,607
NADJA:Sometimes you just gottacool out with your ladies,
196
00:07:28,641 --> 00:07:30,711
have a proper female fuck-about.
197
00:07:30,745 --> 00:07:32,882
Nearly ready. Voilà.
198
00:07:32,915 --> 00:07:34,719
Dang it.
199
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:37,792
♪ ♪
200
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:41,032
GUILLERMO:
Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.
201
00:07:41,065 --> 00:07:42,568
Adelante.
202
00:07:42,602 --> 00:07:44,539
-(chatter in Spanish)
-Thank you for inv...
203
00:07:44,572 --> 00:07:45,941
Oh, no se preocupen
de las cámaras,
204
00:07:45,975 --> 00:07:47,845
este, los contraté
para que grabaran el...
205
00:07:47,879 --> 00:07:49,582
el cumpleaños de la abuela.
206
00:07:49,616 --> 00:07:51,753
-Feliz cumpleaños.
-Muchacho, ay.
207
00:07:51,787 --> 00:07:53,924
SILVIA: Ay, mi hijo.
Siempre tan considerado.
208
00:07:53,957 --> 00:07:56,128
Las chamarras, quítensela.
Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.
209
00:07:56,162 --> 00:07:58,232
-MIGUEL: Look,
he's like the butler. -I am not the butler.
210
00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:00,203
I told them that you guys are
here making a video montage
211
00:08:00,236 --> 00:08:02,809
for her birthday, so I guess
that's what we're doing now.
212
00:08:02,842 --> 00:08:04,579
MIGUEL:
It looks like Tarzan lives here.
213
00:08:04,612 --> 00:08:05,815
Oh, it's just eco-friendly.
214
00:08:05,848 --> 00:08:07,117
Is your Versace blouse
eco-friendly?
215
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,854
-It's real Versace.
-You know, they make that
216
00:08:08,887 --> 00:08:10,524
-in menswear too, right?
-Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
217
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,727
-(laughter)
-Okay, why don't we go upstairs?
218
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,962
Pasen, pasen, pasen.
219
00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:14,666
Oh, careful, there.
I-- It's messy.
220
00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:16,102
There's thorns here,
so be careful.
221
00:08:16,135 --> 00:08:17,304
Hi.
222
00:08:17,337 --> 00:08:18,774
-MIGUEL: Más basura.
-GUILLERMO: Aquí estamos.
223
00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:20,711
-Ta-da.
-(Silvia gasping)
224
00:08:20,745 --> 00:08:22,749
Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad?
225
00:08:22,782 --> 00:08:24,753
-(overlapping chatter)
-Bueno, bienvenidos.
226
00:08:24,786 --> 00:08:27,725
Mira estos platos, qué lujosos.
227
00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,194
She's really impressed.
228
00:08:29,228 --> 00:08:32,200
¿Te dieron una promoción
en el Panera o qué?
229
00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:34,606
No, no, no, mamá.
Trabaja en el ferrocarril,
230
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:35,875
¿recuerdas?
231
00:08:35,908 --> 00:08:36,943
VALERIA:
Oh, you're still at the railroad.
232
00:08:36,977 --> 00:08:38,146
You're working at the railroad?
233
00:08:38,179 --> 00:08:39,616
Yeah, I work at the railroad.
234
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,252
What happened to
the Panera Bread?
235
00:08:41,285 --> 00:08:42,722
Speaking of bread,
do you want some?
236
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:44,693
-Oh, I got a promotion.
-That's right.
237
00:08:44,726 --> 00:08:45,828
You got a promotion?
238
00:08:45,861 --> 00:08:47,665
-Yeah.
-How does a fool
239
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,971
get a promotion from
a Panera Bread to a railroad?
240
00:08:51,005 --> 00:08:52,709
-VALERIA: How does that happen?
-It was a...
241
00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:54,713
-It was at a train station.
-A train station?
242
00:08:54,746 --> 00:08:56,015
The Panera Bread was
at the train station.
243
00:08:56,048 --> 00:08:57,618
-MIGUEL: What train station?
-Penn Station.
244
00:08:57,652 --> 00:08:58,887
Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie.
245
00:08:58,921 --> 00:09:00,758
There ain't no Panera Bread
at Penn Station.
246
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,160
-It was a pop-up.
-(overlapping chatter in Spanish)
247
00:09:02,194 --> 00:09:03,597
Pop-up shop.
248
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:04,999
Wow.
249
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,770
Slower, don't pull!
250
00:09:06,803 --> 00:09:08,974
(gasping)
Ooh, ooh! I have an idea.
251
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,978
-What?
-Let's watch Mamma Mia!
252
00:09:11,011 --> 00:09:12,280
Uh, yes.
253
00:09:12,314 --> 00:09:14,652
NADJA:
Mamma Mia ismy favorite, favorite
254
00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:16,823
film to watch when
I am missing my homeland,
255
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:20,063
but Laszlo never
lets me watch it. He says...
256
00:09:20,096 --> 00:09:21,900
(mimicking Laszlo): "My darling,
I can't watch that.
257
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,604
"It reminds me
of all the bastard children
258
00:09:23,637 --> 00:09:26,108
I fathered when I was a human."
259
00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:28,580
SEAN:
Then the other two guys,
260
00:09:28,614 --> 00:09:30,651
they hear this screech
in the woods.
261
00:09:30,684 --> 00:09:32,855
And they hightail it
out of there,
262
00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:36,830
but they never found
the third guy...
263
00:09:37,698 --> 00:09:38,934
...because you know who got him?
264
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:40,604
LASZLO:
The Jersey Devil.
265
00:09:40,638 --> 00:09:41,706
-NANDOR: The Jersey Devil.
-SEAN: Uh-huh.
266
00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:42,975
COLIN:
Hey, Mr. Rinaldi,
267
00:09:43,009 --> 00:09:44,712
-guess what?
-SEAN: What?
268
00:09:44,746 --> 00:09:46,750
I don't believe
the Jersey Devil is even real.
269
00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:48,119
SEAN:
All righty, then.
270
00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:51,025
I guess is not my fault
if he comes and eats you.
271
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,831
Okay, well, if he's so real,
then what does he look like?
272
00:09:53,864 --> 00:09:56,636
He's got dragon wings,
273
00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:58,941
and a half-goat horse face
274
00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:01,613
with a chinstrap beard
like an Amish.
275
00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:03,817
And he's got hooves and horns,
276
00:10:03,851 --> 00:10:06,623
and two low-hanging balls
277
00:10:06,656 --> 00:10:08,961
with a button cock on top.
278
00:10:08,994 --> 00:10:10,631
(whispering):
Fantastic.
279
00:10:10,664 --> 00:10:13,269
And he creeps through
the Pine Barrens,
280
00:10:13,302 --> 00:10:17,845
looking for little kids
who don't believe in him.
281
00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:20,350
And he goes, "clomp, clomp,
282
00:10:20,383 --> 00:10:21,720
clomp!"
283
00:10:21,753 --> 00:10:23,422
-(gunshot)
-(all yelp)
284
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,795
SEAN:
Uh... Everyone all right?
285
00:10:25,828 --> 00:10:28,734
I got to fix the safety
on that one, huh?
286
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,203
No, the Jersey Devil
is not real.
287
00:10:30,236 --> 00:10:32,909
It is just a myth
that vampires made up
288
00:10:32,942 --> 00:10:35,915
to explain all the dead bodies
that we leave in the woods.
289
00:10:35,948 --> 00:10:38,787
Sean may be my best friend,
but like all humans,
290
00:10:38,821 --> 00:10:41,125
he doesn't realize
when he's been fucking had.
291
00:10:41,158 --> 00:10:43,196
Sean is your best friend?
292
00:10:43,229 --> 00:10:44,666
Yes. Why?
293
00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,003
No reason.
294
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,742
Here's to spending
the weekend with you, Sean.
295
00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:50,744
I'll drink to that.
296
00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:52,314
Yes, cheers.
297
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:54,819
There's just something special
about "guy time," you know?
298
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:56,857
-LASZLO: Hear, hear.
-Yes.
299
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,696
(crickets chirping,
owl hooting)
300
00:10:59,729 --> 00:11:01,398
-(Sean snoring)
-(iPad chiming)
301
00:11:01,432 --> 00:11:03,770
Sean, time to go beddy bye.
302
00:11:03,804 --> 00:11:05,106
-(slurring): Whatever.
-Here we go.
303
00:11:05,139 --> 00:11:06,108
I got a deer.
304
00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:06,943
Mind your head.
305
00:11:06,977 --> 00:11:08,981
-Ooh, that hurt.
-What are you doing?
306
00:11:09,014 --> 00:11:10,885
COLIN:
This is seriously
307
00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:12,755
the funnest level
I've ever done on Roblox.
308
00:11:12,788 --> 00:11:13,757
Is it as cool as this?
309
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:14,959
NANDOR:
Careful, Laszlo.
310
00:11:14,993 --> 00:11:16,195
Take it from a soldier:
311
00:11:16,228 --> 00:11:18,032
That thing is a weapon,
not a toy.
312
00:11:18,065 --> 00:11:19,434
The last time you saw battle
313
00:11:19,468 --> 00:11:21,907
it was just swords
and wooden clubs.
314
00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:23,844
I'd hardly call you
an authority.
315
00:11:23,877 --> 00:11:26,015
-(mimics sheep bleating)
-(iPad chimes)
316
00:11:26,048 --> 00:11:27,818
(Laszlo laughs maniacally)
317
00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:30,791
ALL:
♪ Oh, when you're near me, darling ♪
318
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,427
♪ Can you hear me ♪
319
00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,264
♪ S. O. S. ♪
320
00:11:34,298 --> 00:11:36,468
♪ And the love you gave me... ♪
321
00:11:36,503 --> 00:11:39,274
Ah.
This dynamo needs a top-up.
322
00:11:39,308 --> 00:11:40,844
So, uh, I'm gonna go
and get one. Anyone else?
323
00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:42,180
-No, I'm good.
-Nah.
324
00:11:42,214 --> 00:11:43,850
Do you want me
to pause it or...?
325
00:11:43,884 --> 00:11:45,119
Oh, no, don't worry.
I'll only be a moment.
326
00:11:45,153 --> 00:11:47,090
NADJA:
♪ The love you gave me ♪
327
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,927
-♪ Nothing else can save me ♪
-(chatter in distance)
328
00:11:48,961 --> 00:11:51,065
♪ S. O. S.... ♪
329
00:11:51,098 --> 00:11:53,302
(indistinct chatter,
salsa music playing)
330
00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:00,316
Oh. Hello.
331
00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:07,163
-(gasps) Whose this, Guillermo?
-The maid.
332
00:12:07,197 --> 00:12:08,266
I'm Nadja of Antipaxos.
333
00:12:08,299 --> 00:12:09,869
I'm rich now, so I have...
334
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,272
I have a maid.
335
00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:13,042
¿Es tu novia, no?
336
00:12:13,075 --> 00:12:14,846
-(soft chatter)
-Sí, sí, es que...
337
00:12:14,879 --> 00:12:16,115
Girlfriend? Since when?
338
00:12:16,148 --> 00:12:18,921
GUILLERMO: Yeah. I did sayNadja was my girlfriend.
339
00:12:18,954 --> 00:12:21,191
The lies just pile up
on top of each other, you know?
340
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,429
Over the years, you just
can't keep track. (chuckles)
341
00:12:23,462 --> 00:12:25,400
Isn't that right, Nadja?
You're both
342
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:27,972
my girlfriend and...
343
00:12:28,907 --> 00:12:30,778
-...my maid.
-SILVIA: Wow.
344
00:12:30,811 --> 00:12:32,480
It all started, actually,
when my mom was trying
345
00:12:32,515 --> 00:12:34,351
to set me up with
her church friend's niece
346
00:12:34,384 --> 00:12:35,888
and just to get her off my back,
347
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,259
I said I was dating Nadja.
348
00:12:39,328 --> 00:12:40,396
Please don't tell Laszlo.
349
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:42,100
Es como Daphne y Niles.
350
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,804
VALERIA:
Daphne wasn't the maid.
351
00:12:43,837 --> 00:12:46,041
She was Frasier's dad's
physical therapist.
352
00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:47,945
-Right?
-(indistinct chatter in Spanish)
353
00:12:47,979 --> 00:12:49,816
Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí?
354
00:12:49,849 --> 00:12:51,820
-Join us.
-Uh...
355
00:12:51,853 --> 00:12:53,189
SILVIA:
Por favor.
356
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:55,226
Okay. (chuckles) Lovely.
357
00:12:55,259 --> 00:12:56,496
(Nadja laughing)
358
00:12:56,529 --> 00:12:59,301
VALERIA:
Guillermo, your girlfriend was here this whole time,
359
00:12:59,334 --> 00:13:01,506
and you didn't invite her
to eat with your family?
360
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:04,912
Yes, Guillermo can be a little
bit of a big rotten shit bag.
361
00:13:04,946 --> 00:13:06,950
-MIGUEL: (cackling)
¿Te llamó shit bag? -Yeah.
362
00:13:06,983 --> 00:13:10,356
One of my many sweet little
cheeky pet names for him.
363
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,193
My boyfriend and...
364
00:13:13,396 --> 00:13:15,501
-...boss. (clears throat)
-MAITE: Guillermo,
365
00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:17,571
¿me puedes enseñar
dónde está el baño?
366
00:13:17,605 --> 00:13:19,174
GUILLERMO:
Sí, claro, abuelita.
367
00:13:19,207 --> 00:13:20,844
-(chatter in Spanish)
-SILVIA: Nadja, hola.
368
00:13:20,878 --> 00:13:22,380
I am his mom.
369
00:13:22,414 --> 00:13:24,217
-Bienvenidos.
-Sí.
370
00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:27,324
Oh, sí, claro.
371
00:13:41,051 --> 00:13:43,890
GUILLERMO:
I mean, I guess I never thought of it before,
372
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:44,926
but, yeah, it makes sense.
373
00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:46,195
If I have Van Helsing DNA,
374
00:13:46,228 --> 00:13:48,600
then so would my grandmaand the rest of my family.
375
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,136
Which makes it
376
00:13:50,169 --> 00:13:52,240
not-a-so good.
377
00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:05,299
Los goosebumps.
378
00:14:06,936 --> 00:14:08,940
(iPad chiming)
379
00:14:13,984 --> 00:14:15,386
LASZLO:
I haven't a clue who this
380
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:17,323
Gena Lee Nolin is, but...
381
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,294
I wouldn't mind that
in my lunch box.
382
00:14:19,327 --> 00:14:22,033
NANDOR:
I have a question, Laszlo.
383
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,104
What did you mean
by what you said before?
384
00:14:24,137 --> 00:14:26,576
-What did I say before?
-About the pistol.
385
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,547
You said I was hardly
an authority.
386
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,149
LASZLO:
Well, exactly that.
387
00:14:30,183 --> 00:14:32,521
You haven't seen any action
in nigh on a millennium.
388
00:14:32,555 --> 00:14:35,393
Probably more accurate
to call you a former soldier
389
00:14:35,426 --> 00:14:37,130
than a real soldier,
wouldn't you say?
390
00:14:37,163 --> 00:14:41,238
I am and always will be
Nandor the Relentless.
391
00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:43,142
I suppose I should not
expect you to understand
392
00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:44,946
what it means to be a soldier.
393
00:14:44,979 --> 00:14:48,587
Were you not kicked out of your
Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants
394
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,657
college for wealthy lads?
395
00:14:52,193 --> 00:14:53,964
I think you're
referring to Eton,
396
00:14:53,997 --> 00:14:55,934
and I told you that
in confidence.
397
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:58,038
NANDOR:
Surprise, surprise.
398
00:14:58,072 --> 00:14:59,976
The talk suddenly
turns to Laszlo
399
00:15:00,009 --> 00:15:01,679
and he's put
his sticky mag down.
400
00:15:01,713 --> 00:15:03,449
I was listening to everything.
401
00:15:03,482 --> 00:15:05,587
It's just the same old,
shrill tune.
402
00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:07,223
NANDOR:
Sounds like someone's
403
00:15:07,257 --> 00:15:09,394
a little jealous he's not
the number one guy in the house.
404
00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:12,133
Says the guy who left
the house to "find himself"
405
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,271
and come back
with his tail between his legs.
406
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,609
That was an important step
in my personal journey.
407
00:15:16,643 --> 00:15:18,312
And a good thing I did come back
408
00:15:18,345 --> 00:15:20,517
since the house went to
piss-filled shit on your watch.
409
00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:23,422
You remember to watch your
language in front of my boy.
410
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,527
Piss-filled shit house!
411
00:15:25,561 --> 00:15:26,930
Did you get that?
412
00:15:26,963 --> 00:15:28,365
-Yep.
-I shouldn't be surprised.
413
00:15:28,399 --> 00:15:31,506
All you ever do is lay about
or tinkle on your piano
414
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,109
or have sex with Nadja
415
00:15:33,142 --> 00:15:34,579
wherever and whenever
you please!
416
00:15:34,612 --> 00:15:36,248
How is that an insult?
417
00:15:36,281 --> 00:15:39,555
Sounds to me like life goals
achieved, me old fruit.
418
00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:41,458
NANDOR:
You take and you take and you take.
419
00:15:41,493 --> 00:15:43,362
You took the seat
in the Honda Element
420
00:15:43,395 --> 00:15:46,001
that wasn't behind Sean's seat
in the Honda Element,
421
00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:47,303
even though you know
422
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,107
that Sean likes his seat
in the Honda Element
423
00:15:49,141 --> 00:15:50,276
pushed right far back,
424
00:15:50,309 --> 00:15:52,480
and I have the longer legs!
425
00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,019
♪ ♪
426
00:15:55,052 --> 00:15:58,259
Did you just
cock your weapon at me?
427
00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:02,233
I took that seat so I would have
a diagonal vantage point
428
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,972
to talk to my friend Sean
fluidly.
429
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:06,408
NANDOR:
I should've known.
430
00:16:06,441 --> 00:16:10,016
All the way back when we first
moved into the mansion
431
00:16:10,049 --> 00:16:12,187
and you had first pick
of the bedchambers,
432
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:15,594
even though we all agreed
that I would have first pick!
433
00:16:15,627 --> 00:16:17,230
Now you're being absurd.
434
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:20,637
What the fuck's that?
435
00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:24,645
"Whereas we
three vampires do agree
436
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:29,054
"upon the following order
for the selection of bedchambers
437
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:30,323
"on our new home
438
00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:32,495
on the rocky shores
of Staten Island."
439
00:16:32,528 --> 00:16:33,730
(chuckles)
440
00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:36,301
"First pick,
Nandor the Relentless."
441
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:40,042
Well, suck on this. "Amendment:
In the absence of all
442
00:16:40,076 --> 00:16:42,648
"household vampires
at the appointed time
443
00:16:42,681 --> 00:16:44,251
"of bedchamber selection,
444
00:16:44,284 --> 00:16:47,423
"a quorum of two-thirds present
445
00:16:47,457 --> 00:16:51,064
may... pro... ceed."
446
00:16:51,098 --> 00:16:52,467
NANDOR:
Unbelievable.
447
00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:54,605
You can't even stand to lose
an argument, can you?
448
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:55,641
You know what you are?
449
00:16:55,674 --> 00:16:58,747
You are what my best friend Sean
450
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:02,287
might describe
as a proper jabroni.
451
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,659
Shit.
452
00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:05,794
I am not a jabroni.
453
00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:07,463
-You are jabroni!
-Jabroni.
454
00:17:07,498 --> 00:17:08,465
-Jabroni.
-Jabroni.
455
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,369
-Jabroni.
-Jabroni.
456
00:17:10,403 --> 00:17:11,405
Jabroni.
457
00:17:11,438 --> 00:17:13,042
Ahh! Shit!
458
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,079
Shit, you shot me
in the fucking hand.
459
00:17:15,112 --> 00:17:16,348
-Well, you would...
-NANDOR: Ow!
460
00:17:16,381 --> 00:17:18,185
SEAN: What the hell
is going on in here?
461
00:17:18,219 --> 00:17:19,454
I heard shots.
462
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:20,456
No, you didn't.
463
00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:22,360
-Where's the kid?
-NANDOR: He was right there.
464
00:17:22,393 --> 00:17:24,498
-SEAN: Door's open.
-LASZLO: It's... Aw, shit.
465
00:17:24,532 --> 00:17:26,335
Oh, shit.
466
00:17:26,368 --> 00:17:27,337
(laughter)
467
00:17:27,370 --> 00:17:30,276
So you actually enjoy
to eat a bowl of fungus.
468
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,514
-Voluntarily?
-All kinds of fungus.
469
00:17:32,548 --> 00:17:34,451
I'm not a "fun-guy."
(laughing)
470
00:17:34,484 --> 00:17:36,255
NADJA:
At first, I had no interest
471
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:38,660
in pretending to be whoever
this Daphne person is,
472
00:17:38,693 --> 00:17:42,300
but I am loving Gizmo's family.
473
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,237
You're so lovely and nice,
compared to...
474
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:47,778
Oh, here he is,
my rotten little shit bag.
475
00:17:47,811 --> 00:17:49,447
-Come here.
-(laughing)
476
00:17:49,481 --> 00:17:52,086
I cannot believe that
such a group of fresh, dazzling
477
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,659
moonbeams are related
to such a gray dud.
478
00:17:54,692 --> 00:17:57,498
Do all of you have a very bad
visions like Guillermo?
479
00:17:57,531 --> 00:17:59,635
'Cause I have heard
that the broken eyes
480
00:17:59,669 --> 00:18:01,104
can run in the families.
481
00:18:01,138 --> 00:18:02,574
No, no, no. I used to,
but then I got
482
00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:04,144
the laser treatment,
you know, that...
483
00:18:04,177 --> 00:18:05,379
(whistling) The Lasik.
484
00:18:05,413 --> 00:18:06,281
Lay-kips?
485
00:18:06,315 --> 00:18:08,218
-No. Lasik.
-Lipschitz.
486
00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:09,354
-(yelling) Lasik!
-(clattering)
487
00:18:09,387 --> 00:18:10,724
VALERIA:
Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate.
488
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,327
-That's what I said.
-MIGUEL: Sorry. I'm sorry.
489
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,130
I didn't mean to yell
all like that.
490
00:18:14,164 --> 00:18:15,701
I don't know what came over me.
I just... you know. It's Lasik.
491
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:18,272
-People know about this shit.
-Uh... So, anyway,
492
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,476
in my family we don't
have the broken eyes,
493
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:22,280
but all of the men have one arm
494
00:18:22,313 --> 00:18:23,817
quite a bit shorter
than the other arm.
495
00:18:23,850 --> 00:18:26,254
MIGUEL:
Fuck, is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me?
496
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:29,294
Miguel, will you let her
tell her fucking story?
497
00:18:29,327 --> 00:18:31,231
-Oh, oh.
-MIGUEL: Má.
498
00:18:31,264 --> 00:18:34,170
VALERIA: Please, go on.
Please, please.
499
00:18:34,204 --> 00:18:35,439
And so where-where was I?
500
00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:37,176
So the neighbors
501
00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:38,312
would shout at all the men,
502
00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:39,582
"Make your arms
the same length!"
503
00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:40,917
I'm fucking, like
about to catch on fire
504
00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:42,353
-or some shit.
-(Spanish chatter)
505
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,823
MIGUEL:
Something's fucking wrong, Memo.
506
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,163
(shrieks) Eres un monstruo
y debes de morir.
507
00:18:47,196 --> 00:18:48,833
What the fuck?!
508
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:51,606
Demonio maldito chupa sangre,
509
00:18:51,639 --> 00:18:53,710
-aléjate de mi nieto.
-(clamoring)
510
00:18:53,743 --> 00:18:55,614
(Nadja screaming)
511
00:18:55,647 --> 00:18:57,584
Abuelita, abuelita.
512
00:19:02,928 --> 00:19:04,331
-Fucking hell!
-(clamoring)
513
00:19:04,364 --> 00:19:05,600
GUILLERMO:
Abuelita, abuelita.
514
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,337
-(Nadja shrieks)
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
515
00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,873
(indistinct shouts)
516
00:19:08,907 --> 00:19:11,879
Why is there so much fucking
sharp wood in this house?!
517
00:19:11,913 --> 00:19:13,883
(overlapping shouts)
518
00:19:14,685 --> 00:19:16,756
GUILLERMO:
Nadja, I really have to tell you something about my family!
519
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,493
Yes, Guillermo,
I've put it together,
520
00:19:18,526 --> 00:19:19,929
-you bloody moron.
-GUILLERMO: ¡Mami, no!
521
00:19:19,962 --> 00:19:21,465
(shouts)
522
00:19:21,499 --> 00:19:23,235
Oh, my God, we're here
for a wedding...
523
00:19:23,268 --> 00:19:24,872
GUIDE:
I think it's Pierce Brosnan.
524
00:19:24,905 --> 00:19:26,609
He has to be the papa, no?
525
00:19:26,642 --> 00:19:28,613
-NADJA DOLL : Obviously.
-I hope he is,
526
00:19:28,646 --> 00:19:31,351
but I worry
there will be a twist.
527
00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:32,888
How long is this movie?
528
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,257
GUILLERMO:
Nadja!
529
00:19:34,290 --> 00:19:35,794
You come into my house?
530
00:19:35,827 --> 00:19:39,434
Do you have any idea who
the fuck you are messing with?
531
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:41,906
-(yelling in Spanish)
-Never mind.
532
00:19:42,674 --> 00:19:44,545
Don't hurt her!
533
00:19:44,578 --> 00:19:45,914
MAITE:
¡Demonio!
534
00:19:45,947 --> 00:19:48,252
(grunting)
No. No, no.
535
00:19:48,285 --> 00:19:49,722
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
don't hurt her!
536
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,458
No, Mami. No, no, no!
537
00:19:51,492 --> 00:19:53,663
Guillermo, ella es un monstruo,
peligroso, malvado.
538
00:19:53,697 --> 00:19:55,767
Yes, I know, I know, okay?
I know she's a vampire.
539
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:58,372
I've always known.
Nadja lives in this house.
540
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,677
Okay? And so do
another group of vampires.
541
00:20:00,711 --> 00:20:03,248
-And I don't work
at the railroad. -(shushes)
542
00:20:03,282 --> 00:20:04,652
I work for them.
543
00:20:04,685 --> 00:20:06,388
-(groans)
-I work for the vampires who live here
544
00:20:06,421 --> 00:20:08,727
because I hope to become
a vampire myself one day.
545
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,431
-(gasps)
-And Nadja is not my girlfriend...
546
00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:14,705
...because I'm gay.
547
00:20:14,739 --> 00:20:16,542
Aw.
548
00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:20,015
-(sighs) Mijo.
-Wait.
549
00:20:20,049 --> 00:20:21,418
You want to be a vampire?
550
00:20:21,451 --> 00:20:22,588
NADJA:
Hey!
551
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,759
Being a vampire is very cool.
(hisses)
552
00:20:24,792 --> 00:20:26,829
We don't give a shit
about you being gay.
553
00:20:26,863 --> 00:20:28,265
We've known that forever,
I mean...
554
00:20:28,298 --> 00:20:29,568
-Yeah, we knew that.
-Una madre sabe.
555
00:20:29,602 --> 00:20:31,572
-Una madre sabe.
-Really? Everyone knew?
556
00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,841
-MIGUEL: Come on, Mo.
-¿Todos?
557
00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:34,277
Familia es familia, homie.
558
00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:35,981
(whoops)
I was so worried because I...
559
00:20:36,014 --> 00:20:38,485
-We love you.
-Oh, mami, gracias.
560
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,955
(laughing)
561
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,826
-Oh, gracias.
-(Nadja hisses)
562
00:20:41,859 --> 00:20:43,897
-No, wait, she's gonna try
to kill you. -Ay!
563
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,602
Come out, Baby Colin Robinson.
564
00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,773
-LASZLO: Nandor.
-Oh, Baby Colin Robinson!
565
00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:51,746
Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean
to hurt you. I...
566
00:20:51,779 --> 00:20:53,983
You shot me.
567
00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,453
See?
568
00:20:55,486 --> 00:20:57,056
LASZLO:
No, I shot at you, it's true.
569
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,296
But you've been a fucking pill
this whole trip,
570
00:21:00,329 --> 00:21:01,431
and for no good reason.
571
00:21:01,465 --> 00:21:03,703
Maybe I did have a reason,
572
00:21:03,736 --> 00:21:04,839
which was...
573
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,976
I was a little upset
574
00:21:07,009 --> 00:21:10,015
thinking about "guy time,"
575
00:21:10,049 --> 00:21:12,320
how we don't have it so much,
you and I.
576
00:21:12,353 --> 00:21:13,923
We used to.
Now you're always
577
00:21:13,957 --> 00:21:15,594
clinking beers with Sean
578
00:21:15,627 --> 00:21:19,735
or rehearsing songs
with the Baby Colin Robinson.
579
00:21:19,768 --> 00:21:21,471
We never hang anymore.
580
00:21:21,506 --> 00:21:22,774
Bro, I'm not very comfortable
581
00:21:22,808 --> 00:21:25,012
with emotional flamboyance,
as well you know.
582
00:21:25,045 --> 00:21:26,616
I'll be brief.
583
00:21:26,649 --> 00:21:28,920
My feelings aren't
too dissimilar to your own.
584
00:21:28,953 --> 00:21:30,356
I've missed us.
585
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,594
-All right.
-(iPad chiming)
586
00:21:32,628 --> 00:21:33,462
Baby Colin!
587
00:21:33,496 --> 00:21:35,567
-LASZLO: Boy!
-Baby.
588
00:21:36,368 --> 00:21:37,871
Hey, guys.
589
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:40,009
What have I told you about
running off, you little prick?
590
00:21:40,042 --> 00:21:41,612
I heard something weird outside,
591
00:21:41,646 --> 00:21:43,081
but you were too busy fighting
about jabronis and...
592
00:21:43,115 --> 00:21:45,486
-SEAN: Help!
-Sean?
593
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:46,889
-Shit.
-NANDOR: Quickly.
594
00:21:46,923 --> 00:21:48,526
Oh, boy.
595
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,497
-LASZLO: Over there.
-COLIN: Jeepers.
596
00:21:50,530 --> 00:21:52,534
-NANDOR: The fuck is that shit?
-SEAN: Kill me!
597
00:21:52,568 --> 00:21:54,070
The Jersey Devil, fucking hell.
598
00:21:54,103 --> 00:21:56,776
NANDOR:
He's real? Look at the size of his balls.
599
00:21:56,809 --> 00:21:58,646
Where's my magic flute?
600
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,051
I hid it in the car
'cause it was annoying me.
601
00:22:01,084 --> 00:22:04,658
SEAN:
Kill me and get it over with!
602
00:22:04,692 --> 00:22:07,096
-NANDOR: Shoo. Go away.
-(growls)
603
00:22:07,129 --> 00:22:09,635
♪ ♪
604
00:22:12,808 --> 00:22:14,812
Yes, it's working.
605
00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:15,914
(snarls)
606
00:22:15,947 --> 00:22:17,651
He's falling under your spell.
607
00:22:19,989 --> 00:22:21,458
-Yes.
-(growls)
608
00:22:21,492 --> 00:22:23,395
Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa.
609
00:22:23,428 --> 00:22:24,598
COLIN:
Oh, shit.
610
00:22:24,632 --> 00:22:25,800
-I'm gonna get my shotty.
-Nandor...
611
00:22:25,834 --> 00:22:27,804
I've been double crossed
by the devil.
612
00:22:27,838 --> 00:22:29,942
Hey, fuckhead, that's
my friend you've got there,
613
00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:30,944
you let him go!
614
00:22:30,977 --> 00:22:32,848
-Hey!
-(screeches)
615
00:22:32,881 --> 00:22:33,983
-Lights out!
-Aah!
616
00:22:34,017 --> 00:22:35,554
-Kick him in the dick.
-Oh, yes.
617
00:22:35,587 --> 00:22:37,456
-He's on me!
-He's not going down.
618
00:22:37,490 --> 00:22:39,662
-(grunts)
-Oh, shit.
619
00:22:39,695 --> 00:22:40,864
(growls)
620
00:22:40,897 --> 00:22:43,603
Hey, Siri,
play some New Jersey music.
621
00:22:43,636 --> 00:22:45,406
(Living on a Prayer"
by Bon Jovi playing)
622
00:22:45,439 --> 00:22:46,676
Get your hands off my ass.
623
00:22:46,709 --> 00:22:48,412
LASZLO: This isn't
what I want to be doing.
624
00:22:48,445 --> 00:22:49,748
Grab his balls, man.
625
00:22:49,782 --> 00:22:52,420
-I've got them, I've got them!
-No, that's me.
626
00:22:52,453 --> 00:22:55,092
(grunting)
627
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:56,996
Fucking hell.
628
00:22:57,029 --> 00:23:00,770
♪ Tommy used to work
on the docks ♪
629
00:23:00,804 --> 00:23:02,741
♪ Union's been on strike ♪
630
00:23:02,774 --> 00:23:04,578
Hold on, I'll skip
to the good part.
631
00:23:04,612 --> 00:23:07,116
♪ We're halfway there ♪
632
00:23:07,149 --> 00:23:08,720
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
633
00:23:08,753 --> 00:23:10,590
-♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪
-COLIN: Yeah.
634
00:23:10,624 --> 00:23:12,694
-♪ Take my hand... ♪
-Get him, Lazzo.
635
00:23:12,728 --> 00:23:14,565
-♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪
-LASZLO: Human form!
636
00:23:14,598 --> 00:23:16,569
♪ Whoa-oh... ♪
637
00:23:16,602 --> 00:23:19,107
Kill him, get his button cock.
638
00:23:19,140 --> 00:23:20,610
It's working, I'm draining him.
639
00:23:20,644 --> 00:23:23,115
I'm draining him, too.
640
00:23:23,148 --> 00:23:24,885
Hey, I found the rifle!
641
00:23:24,919 --> 00:23:26,187
(groans)
642
00:23:26,221 --> 00:23:27,858
Fucking Jersey.
643
00:23:27,891 --> 00:23:29,495
Okay, can we go home now?
644
00:23:29,528 --> 00:23:32,466
Prepare to die, you vile
645
00:23:32,501 --> 00:23:33,770
-vampire...
-No, Nadja, no, don't, please.
646
00:23:33,803 --> 00:23:35,540
Okay? I didn't know you
were even here,
647
00:23:35,573 --> 00:23:37,143
-and I tried to warn you...
-Shut up, Guillermo.
648
00:23:37,176 --> 00:23:38,211
I am about to drink
649
00:23:38,245 --> 00:23:40,149
the blood of your entire family
650
00:23:40,182 --> 00:23:41,619
of vampire-killing evil verm...
651
00:23:41,652 --> 00:23:42,921
No, no, stop, okay? Please.
652
00:23:42,955 --> 00:23:44,625
I'm begging you.
Just hypnotize them, okay?
653
00:23:44,658 --> 00:23:45,760
Hypnotize them
so they forget everything.
654
00:23:45,794 --> 00:23:47,497
Like it or not,
they're my family.
655
00:23:47,531 --> 00:23:49,635
Just... just like
you're my family, Nadja.
656
00:23:49,668 --> 00:23:52,608
NADJA:
I so rarely care what Guillermo thinks
657
00:23:52,641 --> 00:23:53,743
or feels or says or does,
658
00:23:53,776 --> 00:23:55,145
but I know what it is like
659
00:23:55,179 --> 00:23:57,551
to watch your entire family
die in front of you.
660
00:23:57,584 --> 00:23:59,020
And it's not great.
661
00:23:59,053 --> 00:24:02,026
I watched my Uncle Andreas getcrushed to death by a donkey,
662
00:24:02,059 --> 00:24:03,563
and the donkey was his wife.
663
00:24:03,596 --> 00:24:05,767
And then she, the donkey,
died of alcoholism.
664
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,906
And now I have had no real
family for hundreds of years.
665
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:10,944
Also, if Guillermo
doesn't have a family,
666
00:24:10,977 --> 00:24:12,914
is he going to start
calling me "mami"?
667
00:24:12,948 --> 00:24:14,918
Bad enough his relationship
with Nandor, so, no, thank you.
668
00:24:14,952 --> 00:24:15,920
(retching)
669
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:16,922
Okay, fine!
670
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,693
-But on one condition.
-Anything.
671
00:24:18,726 --> 00:24:20,930
Keep Nandor, Laszlo,
and the small Colin creature
672
00:24:20,964 --> 00:24:23,101
away from the house
at least one night a month
673
00:24:23,135 --> 00:24:24,772
so I can have it to myself.
674
00:24:24,805 --> 00:24:25,406
And...
675
00:24:25,439 --> 00:24:27,978
obtain for me a copy of...
676
00:24:28,011 --> 00:24:32,053
Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again.
677
00:24:32,086 --> 00:24:34,525
I'm just super glad
that everything worked out.
678
00:24:34,558 --> 00:24:35,894
And that my family is safe.
679
00:24:35,927 --> 00:24:38,933
And that they were hypnotized
and now the house will be safe.
680
00:24:38,966 --> 00:24:40,837
Most importantly,
I'm just glad that
681
00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:43,075
they finally know
the truth about me.
682
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:45,212
Well, besides the bit about you
working at the railroad.
683
00:24:45,245 --> 00:24:46,214
Okay, yeah.
684
00:24:46,247 --> 00:24:47,617
And the giant bit
685
00:24:47,651 --> 00:24:49,220
about you being desperate
to be a vampire.
686
00:24:49,253 --> 00:24:50,824
Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure
687
00:24:50,857 --> 00:24:52,961
that they remember
the part about me...
688
00:24:52,995 --> 00:24:55,667
telling them that I'm gay, so...
689
00:24:55,700 --> 00:24:56,736
NADJA:
I mean,
690
00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:57,971
who isn't gay?
691
00:24:58,005 --> 00:24:59,073
A lot of people.
692
00:24:59,107 --> 00:25:00,275
Oh, okay.
(whoops)
693
00:25:00,309 --> 00:25:02,113
I'll get the trumpets out.
Sorry.
694
00:25:02,146 --> 00:25:04,551
(sighs)
Shade.
695
00:25:04,585 --> 00:25:07,691
NANDOR:
After we vanquished the Jersey Devil, we drove home
696
00:25:07,724 --> 00:25:09,962
-before sunrise.
-No, I drove.
697
00:25:09,995 --> 00:25:11,966
We hypnotized Sean, but
I'm worried that we fucked him.
698
00:25:11,999 --> 00:25:13,970
-Oh, you can make a pizza tree?
-Uh-huh.
699
00:25:14,003 --> 00:25:16,842
SEAN:
I just made ten Robux. What's the street value to that?
700
00:25:16,876 --> 00:25:19,581
NANDOR:
But we did manage to bring home a little
701
00:25:19,615 --> 00:25:21,251
souvenir from our weekend.
702
00:25:21,284 --> 00:25:22,988
♪ ♪
703
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:24,825
What the fuck is that?
704
00:25:26,127 --> 00:25:29,902
("Devil's Gotta Dance"
by Bryan Paul Bell playing)
705
00:25:29,935 --> 00:25:32,106
♪ The devil's got to dance ♪
706
00:25:32,139 --> 00:25:34,578
♪ The devil's got
to dance ♪
707
00:25:34,611 --> 00:25:38,586
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪
708
00:25:38,619 --> 00:25:42,894
♪ Just let the preacher know
I did due diligence ♪
709
00:25:42,928 --> 00:25:45,299
♪ But the saints
don't stand a chance ♪
710
00:25:45,332 --> 00:25:48,873
♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪
711
00:25:52,113 --> 00:25:56,889
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪
712
00:26:00,764 --> 00:26:05,105
♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance. ♪
713
00:26:11,184 --> 00:26:19,802
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
714
00:26:19,852 --> 00:26:24,402
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
53061
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