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[Partridge family theme playing]
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♪ Come on now and
meet everybody ♪
3
00:00:14,583 --> 00:00:17,213
♪ and hear us singing ♪
4
00:00:18,833 --> 00:00:23,083
♪ there's nothing better
than being together ♪
5
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♪ when we're singing ♪
6
00:00:27,208 --> 00:00:28,618
♪ the five of us ♪
7
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♪ and mom working all day ♪
8
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♪ we knew we could help
her if our music would pay ♪
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♪ Danny got Reuben
to sell our song ♪
10
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♪ and it really came together
when mom sang along ♪
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♪ come on now and
meet everybody ♪
12
00:00:44,416 --> 00:00:46,876
♪ and hear us singing ♪
13
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:52,830
♪ there's nothing better
than being together ♪
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00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:56,173
♪ when we're singing ♪
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00:00:56,166 --> 00:00:59,326
♪ when we're singing ♪
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♪ when we're singing ♪♪
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♪ stop, stop, and turn around ♪
18
00:01:07,583 --> 00:01:09,753
♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
19
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♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
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♪ love you ♪
21
00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:19,420
♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
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♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
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♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
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♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
25
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♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
26
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♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
27
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♪ ah ♪
28
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♪ ah ♪
29
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♪ hey stop, stop,
and look around ♪
30
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♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
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♪ stop, stop, and turn around ♪
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♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
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♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
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♪ love you ♪
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♪ hey stop, stop,
and look around ♪
36
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♪ somebody wants to love you ♪
37
00:02:02,916 --> 00:02:04,116
♪ stop, stop, look around ♪♪
38
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:05,495
[Applause]
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Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
40
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Now, before we say good night,
41
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I'd like you to meet my family.
42
00:02:21,125 --> 00:02:22,125
Keith...
43
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[Applause]
44
00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:24,206
Laurie...
45
00:02:24,208 --> 00:02:25,498
[Applause]
46
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Danny...
47
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[Applause]
48
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Chris...
49
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[Applause]
50
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And Tracy.
51
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:36,500
Where's Danny?
52
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,083
Where is Danny?
53
00:02:41,083 --> 00:02:42,713
He was here a minute ago.
54
00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:45,208
He's, uh, red-headed,
about so big.
55
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,168
[Laughing]
56
00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:48,866
I'm right here, mom.
57
00:02:48,875 --> 00:02:50,285
I can't find my thing.
58
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I beg your pardon?
59
00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:54,285
What happened?
60
00:02:54,291 --> 00:02:56,371
Somehow I got tangled
up in my bass cord.
61
00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:57,785
When I tried to shake it loose,
62
00:02:57,791 --> 00:02:59,371
I pulled the plug on my bass.
63
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See? [Loud electric twang]
64
00:03:04,125 --> 00:03:06,115
Danny, your foot's tangled
65
00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:07,825
in the microphone wire.
66
00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:08,923
It is?
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[Feedback screeches]
68
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If my Mike is still working,
69
00:03:13,208 --> 00:03:14,958
good night, folks.
70
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,290
Well, he may be short,
71
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:31,961
but he moves like a gazelle.
72
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Poetry in motion.
73
00:03:33,541 --> 00:03:35,121
He has a great
future ahead of him
74
00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:36,705
in earth moving.
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00:03:36,708 --> 00:03:37,828
I'm sorry.
76
00:03:37,833 --> 00:03:40,963
I really am.
77
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What's wrong with him?
78
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I think he's really upset.
79
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I'd better talk to him.
80
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You go and change.
81
00:03:52,875 --> 00:03:54,415
Honey...
82
00:03:54,416 --> 00:03:55,536
Don't be upset.
83
00:03:55,541 --> 00:03:56,621
It isn't that important.
84
00:03:56,625 --> 00:03:58,075
I'm so dumb.
85
00:03:58,083 --> 00:04:00,623
I made us all look
like a bunch of fools.
86
00:04:00,625 --> 00:04:02,455
All of you must hate me.
87
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:04,578
I wouldn't blame you.
88
00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:06,503
Oh, Danny...
89
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,210
I wish we were
at home right now.
90
00:04:08,208 --> 00:04:11,248
If we were, I'd run away.
91
00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:21,956
Danny, did you lock this door?
92
00:04:21,958 --> 00:04:23,418
Yes.
93
00:04:23,416 --> 00:04:24,786
Shirley: Danny,
please open the door.
94
00:04:24,791 --> 00:04:25,921
Believe me,
95
00:04:25,916 --> 00:04:27,116
you didn't embarrass us.
96
00:04:27,125 --> 00:04:28,245
Danny?
97
00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:30,250
Danny?
98
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:38,500
Uh, m-my son's...
99
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:41,710
Uh, he's... He's
locked in there.
100
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:45,746
Danny, open this door.
101
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,210
You're embarrassing me.
102
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,248
I knew I embarrassed you.
103
00:04:49,250 --> 00:04:51,580
I'm never coming out.
104
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,713
If I had a dime
I'd drown myself.
105
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[♪♪♪]
106
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Open the door!
107
00:05:09,291 --> 00:05:10,421
Please!
108
00:05:10,416 --> 00:05:12,166
You're going to scare him!
109
00:05:12,166 --> 00:05:13,416
All right. Now. Open this door.
110
00:05:13,416 --> 00:05:14,576
Please!
111
00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:15,753
Open the door!
112
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,540
What's all that? A jam session?
113
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There's going to be one
114
00:05:18,583 --> 00:05:19,793
when Danny comes out of there.
115
00:05:19,791 --> 00:05:21,251
He locked himself in. Danny?
116
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:22,710
He was embarrassed
because he thought
117
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he made the group look foolish.
118
00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:26,831
Maybe I can get him out.
119
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Excuse me.
120
00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:29,293
Excuse me. Let me through.
121
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:32,501
Excuse me.
122
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,120
Mr. Partridge?
123
00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:36,785
Reuben Kincaid here.
124
00:05:36,791 --> 00:05:39,671
I didn't mean to wreck
the act, Mr. Kincaid.
125
00:05:39,666 --> 00:05:41,496
You did not wreck the act.
126
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,960
I was sitting with the owner,
127
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and he laughed.
128
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He fell on the floor laughing.
129
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He was laughing atme.
130
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No, he wasn't.
131
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You were honestly funny.
132
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In fact,
133
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I want to keep it in the act.
134
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Mom, is that true?
135
00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:01,826
[Whispers] Reuben...
136
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,325
Uh, yes.
137
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:10,673
Uh, we need a little
comedy relief in the act.
138
00:06:12,166 --> 00:06:14,326
You were very good, Danny.
139
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,673
You were hysterically funny.
140
00:06:16,666 --> 00:06:18,076
Uh...
141
00:06:18,083 --> 00:06:22,083
We are going to
keep it in the act.
142
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:24,423
And Tracy says, "where's Danny?"
143
00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:26,416
And I said, "where is Danny?"
144
00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:28,536
Right here, mom.
145
00:06:28,541 --> 00:06:30,041
I lost my thing.
146
00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:34,365
That was about as funny
as a swarm of locusts.
147
00:06:34,375 --> 00:06:36,665
Honest, Mr. Kincaid,
148
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I'd do anything to help the act.
149
00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:41,173
I'm just not funny.
150
00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:42,826
I'm sorry.
151
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:44,793
That isn't it, Danny.
152
00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:46,461
The audience laughed last night
153
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because it was spontaneous.
154
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,538
It wasn't supposed to happen.
155
00:06:49,541 --> 00:06:50,831
Even old pros
156
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:52,753
can't come out and just ad lib.
157
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:54,120
Your mother's right.
158
00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:56,115
All we need is
some solid material.
159
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:59,205
Do you know any jokes?
160
00:06:59,208 --> 00:07:01,208
Just that one I heard
you tell the stage hands.
161
00:07:01,208 --> 00:07:03,038
You know, about the
traveling salesman
162
00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:04,671
who fell asleep in
the pumpkin patch...
163
00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:05,826
Yeah, yeah, forget it.
164
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:07,503
Where did you
hear that old joke?
165
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,670
From a lady.
166
00:07:08,666 --> 00:07:10,116
She, uh...
167
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:12,745
Popped out of a cake.
168
00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:15,580
Do you think all I
need is material?
169
00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:17,423
We can't do much without it.
170
00:07:17,416 --> 00:07:19,536
Well, we're gonna open
up in Hawaii in two weeks.
171
00:07:19,541 --> 00:07:21,541
If we're gonna
break in a new act,
172
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,831
we'd better get busy.
173
00:07:23,833 --> 00:07:25,423
You forget about Hawaii
174
00:07:25,416 --> 00:07:27,206
and start concentrating
on the show tomorrow night.
175
00:07:27,208 --> 00:07:28,578
I'm just trying to help.
176
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,043
I know, honey.
177
00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:32,001
Go on out and play for a while.
178
00:07:34,791 --> 00:07:36,211
You know, Danny's goof
179
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:37,668
may have been cute last night,
180
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:39,116
but it's never gonna work again.
181
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,245
You're right.
182
00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:41,870
We'll just have to drop it.
183
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:44,785
I'm just sorry we told
him he was so funny.
184
00:07:44,791 --> 00:07:47,751
I think I'd better go
and tell him the truth.
185
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:50,540
There's no sense
upsetting the little guy.
186
00:07:50,541 --> 00:07:52,751
Why don't we just...
187
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:55,000
Let it slide?
188
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:59,170
By tomorrow, he'll probably
have forgotten all about it.
189
00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:02,456
Yeah, so you want some
good, solid jokes, huh, kid?
190
00:08:02,458 --> 00:08:03,708
Yes, sir.
191
00:08:03,708 --> 00:08:05,708
Yeah, well, you came
to the right place.
192
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:07,708
Who sent you? Bob
hope? Red skelton?
193
00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:09,748
It must have been
Benny. You walk the same.
194
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,960
You were listed
in the phone book.
195
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,578
Yeah. Good thing
for you that I am.
196
00:08:13,583 --> 00:08:15,793
You know, the woods are
full of phony comedy writers,
197
00:08:15,791 --> 00:08:17,251
but not me.
198
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:18,870
Big man, fine reputation.
199
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:20,455
You know that I'm
the only comedy writer
200
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,368
qualified to advertise
in the yellow pages?
201
00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:25,575
You're the only
one in there, all right.
202
00:08:25,583 --> 00:08:27,833
By the way, could you tell
me who you've written for?
203
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:30,713
You want to embarrass me, kid,
by making me blow my own horn?
204
00:08:30,708 --> 00:08:32,118
Oh, I've written for...
205
00:08:32,125 --> 00:08:34,115
Come here, kid. I'll
show you some pictures.
206
00:08:34,125 --> 00:08:35,575
Look at this.
207
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,623
Here's one of my clients
standing next to Ted mack,
208
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:40,285
and who's that getting a pie
in the face from soupy sales?
209
00:08:40,291 --> 00:08:42,291
Another one of my
clients, and look at this.
210
00:08:42,291 --> 00:08:43,291
Pinky Lee.
211
00:08:43,292 --> 00:08:44,712
Just the tops, that's all.
212
00:08:44,708 --> 00:08:46,118
The great and the near great,
213
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:48,325
they all know little
Ziggy shnurr, eh?
214
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:51,423
I'll tell you something, kid.
Comedy writing is an art.
215
00:08:51,416 --> 00:08:53,246
Do you think you can afford
216
00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:55,420
to pay for the work
of an artist like me?
217
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:58,870
What, did you bring your lunch?
218
00:08:58,875 --> 00:09:00,705
I hope you don't mind pennies.
219
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:01,918
Pennies?
220
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,326
Well, pennies is
almost like money.
221
00:09:06,041 --> 00:09:07,461
My life savings.
222
00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:10,288
$21.47. Yeah.
223
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,121
But I need the
material right away
224
00:09:12,125 --> 00:09:13,915
for tomorrow night's show.
225
00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:15,916
Yeah, well, all right,
let's talk about your act.
226
00:09:15,916 --> 00:09:17,536
How about a sight gag?
227
00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:19,541
You walk out wearing
one of those big bow ties
228
00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:21,211
that light up in the dark.
229
00:09:21,208 --> 00:09:23,168
You press the button,
the thing spins around.
230
00:09:23,166 --> 00:09:24,286
They'll love it.
231
00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:26,001
No, I don't dress up that much.
232
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,080
Yeah, it's a little too
sophisticated for you.
233
00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:34,040
["All of the things" playing]
234
00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:39,331
♪ Give me a chance ♪
235
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:42,253
♪ and I'll give you
your pleasure ♪
236
00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:44,670
♪ look and you'll see ♪
237
00:09:44,666 --> 00:09:47,826
♪ that there's no
way to measure ♪
238
00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:50,123
♪ the things I can do ♪
239
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:53,535
♪ when I'm feeling this way ♪
240
00:09:53,541 --> 00:09:59,581
♪ it's hard to explain
so I'll just have to say ♪
241
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:04,713
♪ good times are coming to me ♪
242
00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:10,248
♪ I'm all of the things
that I wanted to be ♪
243
00:10:14,458 --> 00:10:16,868
♪ just going somewhere ♪
244
00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:19,705
♪ is better than nowhere ♪
245
00:10:19,708 --> 00:10:22,118
♪ all of my troubles ♪
246
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,035
♪ are just there ♪
247
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,751
♪ to show where ♪
248
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,670
♪ I used to be ♪
249
00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:31,206
♪ I'm not there anymore ♪
250
00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:33,748
♪ I put on my smile ♪
251
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:36,670
♪ 'cause I know what it's for ♪
252
00:10:36,666 --> 00:10:42,246
♪ good times are coming to me ♪
253
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:47,580
♪ I'm all of the things
that I wanted to be ♪
254
00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:56,131
[Organ solo]
255
00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:19,206
♪ Good times are coming to me ♪
256
00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:25,328
♪ I'm all of the things
that I wanted to be ♪
257
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:29,213
♪ good times are coming to me ♪
258
00:11:29,208 --> 00:11:30,748
♪ oh, they're coming ♪
259
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:34,790
♪ I'm all of the things
that I've wanted to be ♪
260
00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:35,921
♪ coming on ♪
261
00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:38,456
♪ good times ♪
262
00:11:38,458 --> 00:11:40,668
♪ are coming to me ♪♪
263
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:45,326
[Applause]
264
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,038
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,
265
00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:54,041
and before we take our leave,
I'd like you to meet my family.
266
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:55,371
My oldest, Keith...
267
00:11:55,375 --> 00:11:57,415
[Applause]
268
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:59,456
Laurie at the organ...
269
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:02,583
[Whispers] Last.
270
00:12:02,583 --> 00:12:05,713
He wants me to
introduce him last.
271
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:07,788
Okay, but I don't know why.
272
00:12:07,791 --> 00:12:09,921
Chris and Tracy...
273
00:12:09,916 --> 00:12:11,576
[Applause]
274
00:12:11,583 --> 00:12:13,123
And now, last but not least,
275
00:12:13,125 --> 00:12:14,875
for some reason, Danny.
276
00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:25,115
[Audience murmuring]
277
00:12:25,125 --> 00:12:26,665
Danny?
278
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,535
Good evening, ladies and germs.
279
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,211
On the way over here tonight,
280
00:12:33,208 --> 00:12:34,458
I saw a drunk
281
00:12:34,458 --> 00:12:36,078
put a penny in a parking meter,
282
00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:37,963
and say, "what do you know?
283
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,248
I weigh an hour."
284
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:41,830
And speaking of
life on the farm,
285
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,753
it was so windy on
our farm the other day
286
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:44,830
that our chicken
287
00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:45,923
laid the same egg twice.
288
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,326
[Mild laughter]
289
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,000
Take my wife... please.
290
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,540
Danny... Good night, folks.
291
00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:53,871
My wife is so fat,
292
00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:56,785
when she stands
up, the room sinks.
293
00:12:56,791 --> 00:12:58,331
[Laughing]
294
00:13:00,208 --> 00:13:01,418
Sorry about this, folks.
295
00:13:01,416 --> 00:13:02,866
And talk about bad cooking.
296
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,495
The garbage man
came to the house
297
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:08,250
and told my wife to
leave him two cans!
298
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:11,995
She really is a light eater.
299
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,620
The minute it
gets light outside,
300
00:13:13,625 --> 00:13:14,875
she starts eating.
301
00:13:33,083 --> 00:13:35,123
[Sighs]
302
00:13:35,125 --> 00:13:36,745
Oh, they're all asleep.
303
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,170
Even henny youngman?
304
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:40,826
Even him.
305
00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:43,003
Reuben,
306
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,000
Danny thought he
was a big hit tonight.
307
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,540
Yeah.
308
00:13:46,541 --> 00:13:48,541
They were laughing
at a 10-year-old
309
00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:50,621
telling rotten jokes badly.
310
00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:53,615
We should never have
let this happen, you know.
311
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:55,665
I'm gonna have
to figure out a way
312
00:13:55,666 --> 00:13:57,616
to tell him the truth.
313
00:13:57,625 --> 00:13:59,615
Well, I hope you
work something out.
314
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:02,165
If he tells those
old jokes in Hawaii,
315
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:04,826
he could make
the human sacrifice
316
00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:06,963
popular again.
317
00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:11,421
Okay.
318
00:14:11,416 --> 00:14:12,786
That should do it.
319
00:14:15,916 --> 00:14:17,246
All right.
320
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:21,250
One and two,
and one, two, thr...
321
00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:24,293
Wait a minute.
322
00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:25,751
Danny, how about it, huh?
323
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:27,620
Are you ready to
rehearse with us or not?
324
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:28,995
Oh, sure, Keith.
325
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000
I'm really ready to
rehearse the music,
326
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,580
and speaking of music,
a stranger in New York
327
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:35,463
goes up to an old man and says,
328
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,168
"how do you get
to carnegie hall?
329
00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:39,916
The old man says,
"practice, practice."
330
00:14:39,916 --> 00:14:41,746
[Laughs]
331
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,370
Danny, we want to rehearse.
332
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:45,995
Now, couldn't you do those
jokes on your own time?
333
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,370
Time? Time?
334
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:48,455
Speaking of time,
335
00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:50,288
a drunk sees a moving man
336
00:14:50,291 --> 00:14:52,291
carrying a grandfather's
clock on his back, and says,
337
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:53,921
"somebody should
get that poor guy
338
00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:55,116
a wristwatch."
339
00:14:55,125 --> 00:14:56,785
[Tracy laughs]
340
00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:58,461
Tell the chicken joke again.
341
00:14:58,458 --> 00:15:02,168
Don't tell the
chicken joke again.
342
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:05,206
Danny, this concert in
Hawaii is very important.
343
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:06,458
I know, Mr. Kincaid.
344
00:15:06,458 --> 00:15:08,288
I want us to be a success.
345
00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:11,171
That's why I have to
take time off from music
346
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:12,996
to practice my routine.
347
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,420
But, Danny, it's
just not working out.
348
00:15:14,416 --> 00:15:15,956
I know.
349
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,868
I guess I'm just gonna
have to spend more time
350
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,325
practicing my routines,
351
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:20,963
and if anybody asks where I am,
352
00:15:20,958 --> 00:15:22,618
tell them my mother-in-law
353
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:23,825
drove me out of the house.
354
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:24,833
She talks so much
355
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:26,044
when she goes to the beach,
356
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:27,921
her tongue gets sunburned,
357
00:15:27,916 --> 00:15:29,456
but she really is
a great person.
358
00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:30,708
Her idea of fun
359
00:15:30,708 --> 00:15:33,288
is painting red lights green.
360
00:15:33,291 --> 00:15:35,171
I don't hear any practicing.
Where's Danny going?
361
00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:37,961
[All talking at once]
362
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,825
Hold it, hold it.
363
00:15:44,833 --> 00:15:46,423
Let's take this alphabetically.
364
00:15:46,416 --> 00:15:48,416
Chris, you first.
365
00:15:48,416 --> 00:15:49,826
Danny's flipped his gourd.
366
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:51,213
He keeps telling those jokes
367
00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:52,538
all the time.
368
00:15:52,541 --> 00:15:53,961
Laurie: Mom, you've
got to stop him.
369
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:55,078
His jokes are a form
370
00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:56,963
of cruel and unusual punishment.
371
00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:58,538
His chicken joke's funny.
372
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:01,421
Now, look, I know
he's really trying to help,
373
00:16:01,416 --> 00:16:03,246
but he's got to know the truth.
374
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,830
Yeah. reuben:
That's your viewpoint.
375
00:16:05,833 --> 00:16:08,873
Personally, I hold
a different opinion.
376
00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:11,285
To me, it's more a matter of...
377
00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:12,921
Him or us.
378
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,665
Well, I...
379
00:16:18,666 --> 00:16:20,916
I was going to tell
him after dinner,
380
00:16:20,916 --> 00:16:23,416
but I guess I'd better
go and do it now.
381
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,616
Oh, wait a minute.
382
00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:26,245
I think I've figured out
383
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,080
a better way to break it to him.
384
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:29,463
Max pepper.
385
00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:31,288
The guy that owns
the hotel in Hawaii.
386
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,621
He's a friend of mine,
and his office is here in L.A.
387
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:35,165
So?
388
00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:38,246
So, I arrange for Max
to audition the new act.
389
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:39,670
The comedy part.
390
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,206
Danny does the act.
391
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,748
Max has got to hate
it, so he shoots it down.
392
00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:46,500
Oh, Reuben, I
can't do that to him.
393
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,540
Max can.
394
00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,711
He owes me a favor.
395
00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:06,003
Mr. Pepper will see you shortly.
396
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,080
Why?
397
00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:08,463
Is he nearsighted?
398
00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:09,788
And speaking of eyesight,
399
00:17:09,791 --> 00:17:11,791
carrots are very
good for the eyes.
400
00:17:11,791 --> 00:17:15,121
That's why you never see
a rabbit wearing glasses.
401
00:17:15,125 --> 00:17:17,165
I'll let you know
when he's ready.
402
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,673
Why don't you relax, tiger?
403
00:17:24,666 --> 00:17:26,666
You've got your routines cold.
404
00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:27,956
There's nothing to
worry about, honey.
405
00:17:27,958 --> 00:17:29,788
I don't want to blow this one.
406
00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:32,831
Maybe I'm a little scared.Danny.
407
00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:34,923
But I'm not as scared as
when I was in the army.
408
00:17:34,916 --> 00:17:36,496
I dug a foxhole so deep,
409
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,500
it was just short of desertion.
410
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,380
[Intercom buzzes]
411
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:46,043
Yes, sir.
412
00:17:46,041 --> 00:17:49,001
Mr. Pepper will see you now.
413
00:17:50,166 --> 00:17:51,746
Oh, just Mr. Partridge, please.
414
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,870
Don't worry, mom, Mr. Kincaid.
415
00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:56,245
When you've got
it, you've got it,
416
00:17:56,250 --> 00:17:58,330
and if you've got it,
417
00:17:58,333 --> 00:18:01,503
take two aspirin and go to bed.
418
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,325
Reuben...
419
00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:08,503
He's really such a little boy.
420
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,170
Yeah,
421
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:12,916
and his jokes are so bad.
422
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:21,960
Oh.
423
00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:23,418
Heartburn.
424
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:25,496
It's tearing me apart.
425
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,250
I never get a moment's rest.
426
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,920
All right, now, kid,
what do you do?
427
00:18:29,916 --> 00:18:31,036
I'm a comedian.
428
00:18:31,041 --> 00:18:32,371
Well, go ahead and "comede."
429
00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:34,415
Good evening, ladies and germs.
430
00:18:34,416 --> 00:18:36,206
A funny thing happened to me
431
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,118
on the way over here tonight.
432
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:40,115
A bum stopped me and
asked if he could have
433
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:41,955
a thousand dollars
for a cup of coffee,
434
00:18:41,958 --> 00:18:43,578
and I said, "a
thousand dollars?"
435
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,923
He said, "yeah.
436
00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:46,786
I want to drink it in Brazil."
437
00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:50,998
And speaking of small towns...
438
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,290
[rings]
439
00:18:53,291 --> 00:18:55,371
Go ahead, kid. I'm listening.
440
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:58,075
Hello? What is it, herbie?
441
00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:00,373
He won't go on stage?
442
00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:03,955
Look, I don't care
what his agent says.
443
00:19:03,958 --> 00:19:06,248
I've got a signed
contract with him.
444
00:19:06,250 --> 00:19:09,460
Now, you tell that bum
to get out on that stage
445
00:19:09,458 --> 00:19:10,748
and be funny,
446
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,500
or I'll break his funny bone!
447
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:16,463
Go ahead, kid.
448
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:19,498
And speaking of small
towns, I was in a town so small
449
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,250
that when you turned
on your electric razor,
450
00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:24,710
the streetcars slowed down.
451
00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:27,118
Their idea of kicks
was sitting in the orchard
452
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,165
and watching the fruit get ripe,
453
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,166
and was that room small.
454
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:32,616
[Nail clipper clicks]
455
00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:33,665
Go ahead, kid.
456
00:19:33,666 --> 00:19:35,246
You were doing a small room gag.
457
00:19:35,250 --> 00:19:36,540
Um...
458
00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:37,871
My... [Clicking]
459
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:39,785
My room was so small,
460
00:19:39,791 --> 00:19:41,421
that when you put
the key in the door,
461
00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:42,616
you'd break the window.
462
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:44,455
So small that the
mice are hunchbacked,
463
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:45,868
and I don't want to say
464
00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:47,955
that the bellboys
were hungry for tips,
465
00:19:47,958 --> 00:19:49,998
but when I ordered
a deck of cards,
466
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,170
they made 52 trips.
467
00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:56,166
Uh... uh...
468
00:19:56,166 --> 00:19:58,116
I'm so bald that when
the sun comes up,
469
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,535
the reflection...
470
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,710
[Door opens]
471
00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:06,038
Shirley: Danny.
472
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:09,371
Hi, mom, Mr. Kincaid.
473
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,205
How did it go, sweetheart?
474
00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:12,498
Yeah. Max didn't...
475
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,080
I mean, how did he like you act?
476
00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:16,503
He hated it.Oh. That's too bad.
477
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,120
You seem to be
taking it awfully well.
478
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:22,955
It's not my fault.
479
00:20:22,958 --> 00:20:25,748
My material was just
too sophisticated for him.
480
00:20:25,750 --> 00:20:27,790
The best jokes went
right over his head.
481
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,421
I guess it's just another case
482
00:20:29,416 --> 00:20:31,116
of the generation gap.
483
00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:33,115
I'll have to wait
for kids of my age
484
00:20:33,125 --> 00:20:34,575
to become an audience.
485
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,583
Then my stuff will be right on.
486
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:40,423
But until then, we'd better
stick to the music bag.
487
00:20:40,416 --> 00:20:41,826
See you later, mom.
488
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:44,003
I'm just gonna get
a drink of water.
489
00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:58,333
Danny, can I talk
to you for a minute?
490
00:20:58,333 --> 00:20:59,583
Sure, mom.
491
00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:01,213
What is it?
492
00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:02,828
Sweetheart, I know today
493
00:21:02,833 --> 00:21:04,833
wasn't very easy
for you, but i...
494
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:06,463
Before you say anything, mom,
495
00:21:06,458 --> 00:21:09,118
I want you to listen to
something I've recorded.
496
00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:11,415
I wanted to get
it said just right.
497
00:21:11,416 --> 00:21:13,036
All right.
498
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:16,170
Danny's voice: Dear mom.
499
00:21:16,166 --> 00:21:17,826
I'm not a comedian.
500
00:21:17,833 --> 00:21:19,923
In fact, I'm not even funny.
501
00:21:19,916 --> 00:21:21,956
I realize now that
you didn't tell me
502
00:21:21,958 --> 00:21:23,368
because, well,
503
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:25,365
you're the world's
greatest mother.
504
00:21:25,375 --> 00:21:27,365
You didn't want
to hurt my feelings,
505
00:21:27,375 --> 00:21:29,365
but Max pepper
told me the truth,
506
00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:31,365
and I should have
figured it out by myself
507
00:21:31,375 --> 00:21:33,245
before then, anyway.
508
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,370
Well, I'm glad I know the truth.
509
00:21:35,375 --> 00:21:37,495
I'm just sorry I lost my head.
510
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:38,920
Sincerely yours,
511
00:21:38,916 --> 00:21:40,996
your son, Danny partridge.
512
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,000
P.s...
513
00:21:45,583 --> 00:21:47,753
I guess that's where I
came in and interrupted.
514
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:50,960
What else were you going to say?
515
00:21:50,958 --> 00:21:52,538
P.s.
516
00:21:52,541 --> 00:21:54,581
Do you think I can
sue Ziggy shnurr
517
00:21:54,583 --> 00:21:56,873
for giving me those
rotten, old jokes?
518
00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:58,865
I'm still kind of mad at myself
519
00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:00,915
for getting carried
away like that.
520
00:22:00,916 --> 00:22:03,706
Things like that happen to
10-year-olds once in a while.
521
00:22:03,708 --> 00:22:06,498
That way, they happen
less often to 20-year-olds,
522
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:10,420
and even less when you're
way over the hill, say, at 30.
523
00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:12,616
Thanks, mom.
524
00:22:12,625 --> 00:22:16,035
Learning and growing
hurts sometimes, honey,
525
00:22:16,041 --> 00:22:18,371
and speaking of time...
526
00:22:18,375 --> 00:22:19,825
"Speaking of time"?
527
00:22:19,833 --> 00:22:22,503
You're not gonna do
a joke, are you, mom?
528
00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:24,420
I'm going into my mother act.
529
00:22:24,416 --> 00:22:27,036
"And speaking of time, it's
time for you to go to sleep."
530
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:28,581
You know, if you...
531
00:22:28,583 --> 00:22:30,003
[Chuckles]
532
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,830
If you wore big, funny glasses
533
00:22:31,833 --> 00:22:33,503
and smoked a cigar,
534
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:35,460
you'd be a natural comedienne.
535
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:36,868
Say good night, Danny.
536
00:22:36,875 --> 00:22:38,665
Good night, Danny.
537
00:22:46,583 --> 00:22:48,423
[Knocking]
538
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:50,246
Come in.
539
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:51,830
Oh, hiya, kid.
540
00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:53,833
Hey, who's the
lady I see you with?
541
00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:55,503
I'm no lady. I'm his mother.
542
00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:56,920
That's a funny joke.
543
00:22:56,916 --> 00:22:58,916
I'm gonna have to
write that sometime.
544
00:22:58,916 --> 00:23:01,036
Well, how's it going, star?
What can I do for you?
545
00:23:01,041 --> 00:23:03,041
You said I could
have these jokes
546
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:05,791
on a money-back guarantee? Yeah.
547
00:23:05,791 --> 00:23:08,581
I'd like to give them to you
and get my money back.
548
00:23:08,583 --> 00:23:09,623
But why?
549
00:23:09,625 --> 00:23:11,325
You're a natural born comic.
550
00:23:11,333 --> 00:23:14,123
He's the funniest person I
ever saw under four feet tall.
551
00:23:14,125 --> 00:23:17,205
Danny's decided he's not
cut out to be a comedian.
552
00:23:17,208 --> 00:23:19,708
The way he walks,
the way he talks,
553
00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:21,748
with his class, he's a
natural straight man.
554
00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,120
A what? Straight man.
555
00:23:24,125 --> 00:23:26,365
That's the guy who sets
up the jokes for the comics.
556
00:23:26,375 --> 00:23:28,365
The comic tells
the rotten jokes,
557
00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:30,365
and the straight man comes
up smelling like a Rose.
558
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:31,705
For two dollars extra,
559
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:33,708
I even got the kind
of stupid partner
560
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:35,498
that'd be perfect for you.
561
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,710
Did you ever think about
ventriloquism as a career?
562
00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:39,538
With the educational
system they got today,
563
00:23:39,541 --> 00:23:41,121
they probably
don't even teach it.
564
00:23:41,125 --> 00:23:42,535
No, they don't.
565
00:23:42,541 --> 00:23:45,081
He doesn't know how
to be a ventriloquist.
566
00:23:45,083 --> 00:23:47,083
Just so the people don't
see your lips moving,
567
00:23:47,083 --> 00:23:49,083
they think it's the
dummy doing the jokes.
568
00:23:49,083 --> 00:23:51,083
I'll show you what I mean.
Hi, dummy, how are you?
569
00:23:51,083 --> 00:23:53,083
I'm fine there. How
are you? See that?
570
00:23:54,958 --> 00:23:57,748
Uh, dummy, uh, I understand
a funny thing happened to you
571
00:23:57,750 --> 00:23:59,790
on the way over here.
572
00:23:59,791 --> 00:24:02,791
A guy stopped me and says
he ain't had a bite in five days,
573
00:24:02,791 --> 00:24:04,211
so I bit him.
574
00:24:04,208 --> 00:24:05,248
[Laughs]
575
00:24:05,250 --> 00:24:07,500
Those are the same old jokes.
576
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:10,120
But they blame the dummy if
they don't see your lips moving.
577
00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,535
I'll show you.
578
00:24:11,541 --> 00:24:13,541
What else happened
on the way over here?
579
00:24:13,541 --> 00:24:16,041
A guy says that the
Hudson river is so polluted
580
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:17,871
that they are now
581
00:24:17,875 --> 00:24:20,915
digging for water.
582
00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:23,616
Tell them how
small the country is
583
00:24:23,625 --> 00:24:24,705
you were in.
584
00:24:24,708 --> 00:24:26,368
Yeah, this country was so small,
585
00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:28,035
that if they put a flag up,
586
00:24:28,041 --> 00:24:30,081
and a strong wind came along,
587
00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:33,173
it would capsize
the whole country.
588
00:24:33,166 --> 00:24:34,786
Uh, you don't understand, lady.
589
00:24:34,791 --> 00:24:36,421
You see, I can do the same thing
590
00:24:36,416 --> 00:24:37,826
drinking a glass of water.
591
00:24:37,833 --> 00:24:39,583
This country is so small...
592
00:24:43,583 --> 00:24:46,003
[♪♪♪]
593
00:24:46,053 --> 00:24:50,603
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