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1
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:21,042
Listen. Listen...listen to that.
2
00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:26,202
- What? I can't hear anything.
- Exactly.
3
00:00:27,447 --> 00:00:29,722
No kids, no grandkids.
4
00:00:29,767 --> 00:00:31,325
Nothing.
5
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:35,197
- Just us.
- Yep.
6
00:00:38,807 --> 00:00:43,119
Aren't you in the least bit upset that
our little fledglings have flown the nest?
7
00:00:43,167 --> 00:00:44,680
Fledglings?
8
00:00:44,727 --> 00:00:46,718
Fledglings!
9
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:51,522
I don't think of them as fledglings,
Susan. More like...ticks.
10
00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:59,486
Yeah, ticks...leaving the sheep
after they've bled him dry.
11
00:01:01,247 --> 00:01:04,205
- You big softie.
- Mmm, I know.
12
00:01:04,247 --> 00:01:06,841
Of course, now that we have
the place to ourselves,
13
00:01:06,887 --> 00:01:09,606
we can do all the things we couldn't do
when the kids were around.
14
00:01:09,647 --> 00:01:10,841
Yep.
15
00:01:14,847 --> 00:01:16,917
Ye-e-ah!
16
00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:21,836
Hey, how about we start here on the sofa,
or maybe on the kitchen table?
17
00:01:21,887 --> 00:01:25,482
I'm not talking about sex, Ben, I'm
talking about things we can both enjoy.
18
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:31,485
Doing up the house.
19
00:01:31,527 --> 00:01:33,916
- I've been making plans.
- Oh, great(!)
20
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:36,276
- I want to redecorate Michael's room...
- Mm-hm.
21
00:01:36,327 --> 00:01:38,283
- ...revamp the en suite...
- Mm-hm.
22
00:01:38,327 --> 00:01:41,239
...and I want to turn Janey's room
into an art studio.
23
00:01:41,287 --> 00:01:43,881
- An art studio?
- It's something I've always wanted.
24
00:01:43,927 --> 00:01:48,443
And maybe if you give me what I want,
you might get what you want.
25
00:01:48,487 --> 00:01:50,842
Oh, that's what it's come down to,
is it? Haggling for sex?
26
00:01:50,887 --> 00:01:53,640
What do you mean, ''come down to''?
It's always been like that.
27
00:01:53,687 --> 00:01:55,678
Anyway, what would you do with that room?
28
00:01:55,727 --> 00:01:58,764
I don't know. I was thinking
of converting it into a...
29
00:01:58,807 --> 00:02:00,206
I don't know, a study.
30
00:02:00,247 --> 00:02:02,078
To do what?
31
00:02:02,127 --> 00:02:03,799
Well, study.
32
00:02:03,847 --> 00:02:07,362
Looking at adult websites
is not studying, Ben.
33
00:02:07,407 --> 00:02:10,558
Oh, I don't know. I've picked up
a few things, I can tell you.
34
00:02:10,607 --> 00:02:12,484
(DOORBELL RINGS)
35
00:02:16,687 --> 00:02:18,086
Do you want me to get that?
36
00:02:18,127 --> 00:02:21,244
Do you want me
to build you a conservatory first?
37
00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:30,566
G'day. Er, sorry to trouble you, folks,
but does a Mr Ben Harper live here?
38
00:02:30,607 --> 00:02:33,326
I wouldn't call it living!
39
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:36,882
If it's a lawsuit, you'd better take it up
with his dental practice.
40
00:02:36,927 --> 00:02:40,044
No, it's nothing like that.
My name's Craig Willoughby.
41
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:42,885
I'm from Altona,
just outside Melbourne. I'm Australian!
42
00:02:42,927 --> 00:02:46,124
Get away.
43
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,761
I've been given this list of people
who were at uni with my mum.
44
00:02:48,807 --> 00:02:51,685
She reckoned they might be able to
help me out on my travels round Europe.
45
00:02:51,727 --> 00:02:54,366
No problem.
I'll show you where the bus stop is.
46
00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:57,399
You must be Ben.
Mum said you were a bit of a joker.
47
00:02:57,447 --> 00:03:00,405
Yes, I never stop laughing.
48
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:02,085
Probably why she put you top of the list.
49
00:03:02,127 --> 00:03:04,436
What? Me, top of the list? Really?
50
00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:07,081
Oh-ho! Look at that, Susan.
Top of the list.
51
00:03:07,127 --> 00:03:10,437
Mmm... She's Australian, Ben,
it's all upside down.
52
00:03:10,487 --> 00:03:12,443
So, who exactly is your mother, Craig?
53
00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:14,796
Oh, well, you'd have known her
as Penny Forbes.
54
00:03:14,847 --> 00:03:17,805
Oh, Penny Forbes!
55
00:03:17,847 --> 00:03:19,326
No idea.
56
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:22,564
We'd love to have you stay,
but, er, we don't have a spare room.
57
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:24,598
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't. No, we don't.
58
00:03:24,647 --> 00:03:27,559
- I'm about to start redecorating.
- Since when?
59
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:31,077
If you want some help with that,
I love painting and DIY.
60
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,197
- Maybe you could give Ben a hand.
- No, no, no, no.
61
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,556
- Why don't you stay for dinner?
- No... Susan, can I have a word?
62
00:03:35,607 --> 00:03:39,600
If this guy builds you an art studio,
you're not having sex with him.
63
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,520
OK.
64
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:45,081
So, the flat needs...
65
00:03:45,127 --> 00:03:47,118
a sieve,
66
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,123
egg whisk,
67
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,523
spatula, and...
68
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,364
microwave.
69
00:03:54,407 --> 00:03:57,877
You know, Janey, they've invented things
called shops for stuff like that.
70
00:03:57,927 --> 00:03:59,758
Yeah, but then I'd have to pay for it,
71
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,321
and you'd only end up
giving me the money anyway.
72
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,245
So, in a sense, I'm saving you a step.
You're welcome.
73
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,243
You're the gift that keeps on taking.
74
00:04:07,287 --> 00:04:10,359
Mummy, please can I have a puppy?
75
00:04:10,407 --> 00:04:12,477
Oh, here we go again.
76
00:04:12,527 --> 00:04:16,998
Mum, he's been driving me mad just
because some of his classmates have dogs.
77
00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:20,039
I've tried telling him it's a big
responsibility, but he won't listen.
78
00:04:20,087 --> 00:04:24,160
Look, Kenzo,
we've just moved in to this new flat,
79
00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:27,677
and now's not really
the right time for a puppy.
80
00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:30,605
So, how about this?
You can have anything else you like.
81
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:33,081
- Anything?
- Anything.
82
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:35,880
How about a brother or sister?
83
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:43,284
Dog's not looking so bad now, is it?
84
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,117
(BEN HUMS)
85
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:56,442
- What's the occasion?
- Been a long time since we, um,
86
00:04:56,487 --> 00:04:58,000
had the place to ourselves,
87
00:04:58,047 --> 00:05:00,845
and I thought it was
a good opportunity to, er...
88
00:05:00,887 --> 00:05:02,843
well, you know, kind of, er...
89
00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:06,482
- get to know each other again.
- Really?
90
00:05:06,527 --> 00:05:10,202
Well, I know we joke around, Susan,
but I think this is a, er...
91
00:05:10,247 --> 00:05:12,442
a significant moment.
92
00:05:12,487 --> 00:05:16,036
And so I think
we should have a toast, my darling,
93
00:05:16,087 --> 00:05:18,601
a toast to us...
94
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,160
and our new life.
95
00:05:20,207 --> 00:05:22,437
(HARMONICA PLAYS)
96
00:05:25,487 --> 00:05:27,398
What's that?
97
00:05:27,447 --> 00:05:30,917
I said Craig could pitch his tent
in the back garden.
98
00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:32,195
You did what?
99
00:05:32,247 --> 00:05:35,239
I said it was fine as long as
he's doing jobs around the house.
100
00:05:35,287 --> 00:05:36,436
Just ignore it.
101
00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:46,158
Craig! Do you mind
stop playing that...thing?
102
00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:47,686
CRAIG: Sorry, Benno!
103
00:05:52,247 --> 00:05:54,681
All right.
104
00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:57,719
Forget the toast. Where were we?
Oh, yeah. Come here.
105
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,998
(RATTLING)
106
00:06:07,087 --> 00:06:08,315
What are you doing?
107
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:10,164
Saw you were having trouble
with the window, mate.
108
00:06:10,207 --> 00:06:13,643
Get the hell out of here!
Go on, get out! Get out! Go on! Down!
109
00:06:13,687 --> 00:06:15,917
Get out and get in your tent!
110
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,446
Stay in there!
111
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:27,242
- OK, OK, baby. Our new life.
- Our new life.
112
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,561
- Together.
- Together.
113
00:06:28,607 --> 00:06:29,801
(DIDGERIDOO PLAYS)
114
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:38,483
(DOOR SHUTS)
115
00:06:40,247 --> 00:06:41,726
(DRILL WHIRRS)
116
00:06:52,127 --> 00:06:54,118
What do you reckon?
117
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,206
It's a wall.
118
00:06:58,247 --> 00:07:00,681
- Yeah.
- Why?
119
00:07:00,727 --> 00:07:03,161
Ah, it's gonna divide
the spare room upstairs.
120
00:07:03,207 --> 00:07:06,085
But it appears to be down here.
121
00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:10,757
It's the latest trend in modular
construction. You build it off-site,
122
00:07:10,807 --> 00:07:14,117
you take it down again
and then you rebuild it on-site.
123
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,045
Oh...so you build it twice.
124
00:07:18,287 --> 00:07:20,437
Well, to the layman.
125
00:07:22,087 --> 00:07:25,397
So how does the layman
get into the kitchen?
126
00:07:25,447 --> 00:07:27,961
Er...
127
00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:30,077
I could build you a door, if you like.
128
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:33,437
No, you see, I have a door,
129
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,399
it's there, but I just don't seem
to be able to get to it.
130
00:07:36,447 --> 00:07:40,122
SUSAN: Oh, just go around
and come in through the garage like I did.
131
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:43,603
But of course. It's so simple.
Why didn't I think of that?
132
00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:48,165
Susan! Susan! I'm sorry.
133
00:07:48,207 --> 00:07:50,118
The wombat's gotta go!
134
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:55,801
- He's doing work for free, Ben.
- Oh, ''he's doing work for free''!
135
00:07:55,847 --> 00:08:00,398
Listen, he builds a wall,
he builds a wall here,
136
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:03,041
there, when it should be
actually upstairs.
137
00:08:09,207 --> 00:08:12,483
Sorry, um, little question...
what is this?
138
00:08:12,527 --> 00:08:15,087
Craig's built us a garden bridge.
139
00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:18,126
Of course he has.
140
00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:21,962
It's in the kitchen.
141
00:08:23,527 --> 00:08:26,997
Will you stop going on about that puppy?
It's not going to happen.
142
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:30,164
If I hear one more thing about that dog,
so help me, I will...
143
00:08:30,207 --> 00:08:33,279
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hello. Craig Willoughby.
144
00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:35,557
Just, er, doing a bit of building work
for the Harpers.
145
00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:37,837
- I'm...I'm Janey Harper.
- G'day.
146
00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:40,003
G'day. Where are my parents?
147
00:08:40,047 --> 00:08:43,278
- Oh, behind that wall.
- Nice work.
148
00:08:43,327 --> 00:08:45,682
And I'm guessing this little mite
belongs to you, right?
149
00:08:45,727 --> 00:08:47,285
Yeah, this is, er, Kenzo.
150
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,158
He's my son.
He's nearly eight years old.
151
00:08:49,207 --> 00:08:51,880
I can talk for myself, Mum.
152
00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:54,805
Of course you can, mate,
a grown-up little fella like you.
153
00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:57,964
What say us two have a proper chat
over a couple of beers later on, eh?
154
00:09:02,687 --> 00:09:04,962
I mean, this is outrageous,
completely outrageous!
155
00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:08,795
I mean, I'm finally in a place where
I can have the whole house to myself,
156
00:09:08,847 --> 00:09:11,964
and I find it's taken over
by some deadbeat freeloader.
157
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:13,804
I mean, you know, 30 years, Susan,
158
00:09:13,847 --> 00:09:16,122
30 years
I have spent bringing up the kids.
159
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:18,476
When you fight a war, you get a medal.
160
00:09:18,527 --> 00:09:20,757
What do I get? Oh, no, I get him!
161
00:09:20,807 --> 00:09:23,002
You do like walking over that bridge,
though, don't you?
162
00:09:23,047 --> 00:09:25,641
I must admit,
it's a decent work-out for the calves.
163
00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:27,876
- Hi!
- Hello, darling.
164
00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:30,441
What do you mean, ''hi''?
Hang on, how did you get in?
165
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,125
Craig moved the wall for me.
166
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:34,601
Oh, did he really?
Right, I want a word with him.
167
00:09:34,647 --> 00:09:35,716
Craig!
168
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:39,157
CRAIG: Sorry, mate, I moved it back!
169
00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:42,563
Right, that idiot's got to go.
Susan, have a word.
170
00:09:42,607 --> 00:09:46,156
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
The guy is seriously hot!
171
00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:48,357
I think he's funny.
172
00:09:48,407 --> 00:09:50,875
If he was here, I wouldn't need a puppy.
173
00:09:50,927 --> 00:09:53,521
If he was here,
I wouldn't need your grandfather.
174
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:08,203
- Don't use that yet, mate!
- For crying out loud!
175
00:10:08,247 --> 00:10:09,475
Sleep all right?
176
00:10:09,527 --> 00:10:14,123
Do you mind closing the curtain?
Give a man some privacy, please! Dear God!
177
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:17,443
Have you any idea what time it is?
178
00:10:17,487 --> 00:10:19,682
- Uh...
- Curtain! Curtain! Curtain!
179
00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:23,117
Yeah, well,
I'm a bit of an early bird myself.
180
00:10:23,167 --> 00:10:26,603
- Like to get a jump on things.
- Oh, good. Obviously.
181
00:10:26,647 --> 00:10:30,481
So is the, um,
the water working yet?
182
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,802
Oh, yeah, there's heaps of it.
183
00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:37,921
The only downside is I appear to have
a few odds and ends left over.
184
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:39,685
Really?
185
00:10:39,727 --> 00:10:41,206
Well, then...
186
00:10:42,247 --> 00:10:44,681
(SHOWER STARTS)
187
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:47,880
Well, that's a first.
188
00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:51,844
(SHOWER STOPS)
189
00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:55,521
I thought you said you were good at DIY?
190
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,842
I said I loved it,
never said I was any good at it.
191
00:10:57,887 --> 00:11:00,799
No wonder your mother wanted you
to leave the country.
192
00:11:00,847 --> 00:11:04,283
I called her last night, told her
I was here. She sends her regards.
193
00:11:04,327 --> 00:11:06,283
She's very grateful to you, as am I.
194
00:11:06,327 --> 00:11:08,238
Look, look, look,
I think I'd better come clean, OK?
195
00:11:08,287 --> 00:11:10,357
I don't remember her at all.
196
00:11:10,407 --> 00:11:13,444
- Oh, maybe a photo'd jog your memory.
- Mm-hm.
197
00:11:13,487 --> 00:11:14,761
Er...
198
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:18,436
here's a...here's a photo of us
at the beach when I was a young 'un.
199
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:24,041
Oh, that Penny Forbes.
200
00:11:24,087 --> 00:11:26,681
Penny Farthing Forbes.
201
00:11:28,247 --> 00:11:29,839
Blimey, she was a right...
202
00:11:29,887 --> 00:11:32,196
nice person, nice person.
203
00:11:32,247 --> 00:11:34,636
So she, er, she went off to Oz
and got married, hm?
204
00:11:34,687 --> 00:11:37,884
- Yeah, that's it. Married Don Willoughby.
- Ah, yeah, your father.
205
00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:40,919
No, stepfather, actually.
Yeah, never knew my real dad.
206
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,559
I guess he lived over here.
207
00:11:49,087 --> 00:11:53,399
So, um...apropos of nothing,
um, how old are you?
208
00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:55,915
Me? I'll be 34 next July.
209
00:11:59,487 --> 00:12:02,399
Yeah, would have been nice
to know my real dad.
210
00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:04,358
Shh, please, can you give me a break?
211
00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:07,080
But, hey, these things happen,
university flings.
212
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,163
Please, please, I'm just thinking...
213
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,159
Oh, my God!
214
00:12:12,207 --> 00:12:14,960
What's up, Benno?
215
00:12:15,007 --> 00:12:17,237
Oh, I see.
I'd best leave you to it, eh?
216
00:12:19,927 --> 00:12:23,715
- Turn it off when you're done, mate.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
217
00:12:23,767 --> 00:12:25,997
BEN: And what's the code for Australia?
218
00:12:26,047 --> 00:12:29,403
0061 . Yep, OK.
219
00:12:29,447 --> 00:12:30,926
Thank you. Bye.
220
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,606
Right.
221
00:12:40,247 --> 00:12:41,475
Susan!
222
00:12:42,527 --> 00:12:44,006
Susan!
223
00:12:47,887 --> 00:12:49,718
Susan!
224
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,883
Susan!
225
00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:53,485
Yes?
226
00:12:55,047 --> 00:12:56,116
What?
227
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:59,000
- You called.
- Yep.
228
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,159
- What do you want?
- Nothing.
229
00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:05,722
- You called because you want nothing?
- I was missing you.
230
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,803
What?
231
00:13:07,847 --> 00:13:11,317
Yeah. I was wondering if you could help me
find...the notepad! Here it is.
232
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,164
Panic over.
233
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:16,119
I think you've been getting too close
to Craig's glue gun.
234
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:18,840
What have you been saying to Craig? You
haven't been talking to Craig, have you?
235
00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:20,115
He hasn't said anything, has he?
236
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,476
No, no. I was just thinking how nice
it was that you've been getting on
237
00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:24,199
so much better - bonding, almost.
238
00:13:24,247 --> 00:13:26,761
Bonding? We're not bonding.
Why would we be bonding?
239
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:31,403
I mean, it's not like, you know, we're
related or anything, is it? I mean...
240
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:35,001
- I'm going to the shops.
- Mm-hm, good idea.
241
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,163
Can I get you anything?
Like some sanity?
242
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:48,361
- Ah, Ben!
- Oh!
243
00:13:49,527 --> 00:13:51,483
- Bag!
- Yeah, bag!
244
00:13:51,527 --> 00:13:53,165
- Hormones!
- Hormones!
245
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,845
Hello?
246
00:13:58,887 --> 00:14:01,447
Hello.
247
00:14:01,487 --> 00:14:03,159
Is that Penny Willoughby?
248
00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:05,846
Yeah, it's, er, Ben Harper.
249
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,926
Benny...?
250
00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:12,805
Yeah!
251
00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:14,883
Oh, no, no, don't mention it.
No, he's fine.
252
00:14:14,927 --> 00:14:18,476
No, he's...he's a lovely boy.
Yeah, he's upstairs right now,
253
00:14:18,527 --> 00:14:20,324
destroying my bathroom.
254
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:26,886
Er, it's about him I wanted to have
a little chat with you about, Penny.
255
00:14:26,927 --> 00:14:28,963
Um... Did...?
256
00:14:29,007 --> 00:14:30,565
What? Yeah, yeah.
257
00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:32,802
Well, of course I remember.
258
00:14:32,847 --> 00:14:35,122
Remember? Oh, please!
259
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:39,046
How could I forget? I mean, it was...
260
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:42,238
quite a night, yeah.
261
00:14:42,287 --> 00:14:44,676
Yeah, you were pretty, um...
262
00:14:44,727 --> 00:14:47,480
athletic.
263
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:52,840
Yeah, yeah, I know. I was as well, yeah,
and I've got two words for you, Penny -
264
00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:55,276
whipped cream.
265
00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:03,002
So you're at it with another woman?
266
00:15:04,287 --> 00:15:05,845
Correction...
267
00:15:05,887 --> 00:15:09,038
I was at it with another woman,
but it was a long time ago, Mikey.
268
00:15:09,087 --> 00:15:11,123
Way, way, way
before I met your mother.
269
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:13,476
So why are you talking to her now?
270
00:15:13,527 --> 00:15:15,722
Because, um...um, because...
271
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,327
Mikey, I think it's time
we had a man-to-man talk
272
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:21,006
- like I've never done before.
- Sober?
273
00:15:22,607 --> 00:15:25,167
Whatever I tell you stays between us, OK?
274
00:15:25,207 --> 00:15:28,085
- Go on.
- Have you met Craig?
275
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,765
Yes.
276
00:15:29,807 --> 00:15:31,684
- He's pretty hot.
- Yeah, he's pretty...
277
00:15:31,727 --> 00:15:33,843
He's not hot! What do you mean, hot?!
278
00:15:34,927 --> 00:15:37,122
No, he's not hot. It's just that...
279
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:39,761
I knew Craig's mother.
280
00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:41,240
Yes, I heard.
281
00:15:41,287 --> 00:15:44,006
No, no, no. No, no. No, no.
Just for one night.
282
00:15:44,047 --> 00:15:46,515
One...
283
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,797
amazing night. But, er...
284
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:51,725
Mikey, there is a...
285
00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:53,917
sort of possibility
286
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:55,844
that I might be Craig's father.
287
00:15:57,527 --> 00:15:59,438
Strangely, he's not hot any more.
288
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,162
Are you sure?
289
00:16:02,207 --> 00:16:04,437
Mikey, the dates tally.
290
00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:07,081
- And you've had a DNA test?
- Oh, no need, Michael, no need.
291
00:16:07,127 --> 00:16:09,402
Look at the boy.
He's tall, rugged, handsome.
292
00:16:11,727 --> 00:16:15,561
Trust me, you need a DNA test.
I can get one done quickly, I know a guy.
293
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:19,077
OK, OK, but you're not
to breathe a word of this to anyone.
294
00:16:19,127 --> 00:16:21,436
Wow!
295
00:16:21,487 --> 00:16:24,160
We're actually sharing a secret.
296
00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:26,641
- Yeah, how's it feel?
- Kind of creepy.
297
00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:28,598
So what now?
298
00:16:28,647 --> 00:16:31,286
Michael, I intend to deal with
this situation in the way the men
299
00:16:31,327 --> 00:16:33,045
in my family
have done for generations.
300
00:16:33,087 --> 00:16:34,645
Keep your head down and say nothing.
301
00:16:34,687 --> 00:16:35,836
Exactly.
302
00:16:41,487 --> 00:16:43,443
Hi, Mum!
303
00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:47,240
You do know you don't live here
any more, don't you?
304
00:16:47,287 --> 00:16:49,801
Yeah, well, I was just dropping Kenzo off
to play with Matty and Adam,
305
00:16:49,847 --> 00:16:51,997
and, seeing as I was in the neighbourhood,
I just...
306
00:16:52,047 --> 00:16:55,119
Matty and Adam
live in the flat downstairs from you.
307
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:57,203
Do they?
308
00:16:57,247 --> 00:16:59,317
Well, I thought I'd take the scenic route.
309
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:03,201
And does the scenery include
a certain young Australian backpacker?
310
00:17:03,247 --> 00:17:05,317
Do you have one of those here?
311
00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:08,040
I didn't think that outfit was
for my benefit.
312
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:10,726
Oh, Mum, come on.
This is so last season.
313
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:14,442
Well, Craig is very sweet.
I think you two would do well together.
314
00:17:14,487 --> 00:17:16,796
- Don't you think so, Ben?
- What's that?
315
00:17:16,847 --> 00:17:18,326
Janey and Craig
would make a nice couple.
316
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,198
No!
317
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:22,845
What?
318
00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:25,879
No, no. He's completely wrong for her.
319
00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:27,360
Oh, typical.
320
00:17:27,407 --> 00:17:30,001
And the sooner he's gone, the better,
as far as I'm concerned.
321
00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:31,196
I mean, the guy's a loser,
322
00:17:31,247 --> 00:17:34,045
an irritating, loudmouth idiot
who can't keep his mouth shut.
323
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:37,079
They say girls always
look for their father's qualities.
324
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:41,359
That's so like you. Every time she finds
somebody she likes, you put them down.
325
00:17:41,407 --> 00:17:43,841
You never support her.
You're a horrible father.
326
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:47,436
I...I am a brilliant father -
327
00:17:47,487 --> 00:17:50,479
you...you have no idea.
328
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,085
You don't have to worry.
329
00:17:52,127 --> 00:17:53,879
Stop thinking of it
as losing a daughter.
330
00:17:53,927 --> 00:17:56,725
Think of it more as gaining a son.
331
00:17:56,767 --> 00:18:00,885
Yes, that...that's...
really helps, that, yeah.
332
00:18:04,087 --> 00:18:06,123
Oh, darling, that's great.
333
00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:07,395
You're painting.
334
00:18:07,447 --> 00:18:10,086
Good. So that means Craig has gone?
335
00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:11,640
Oh, yes, he's gone.
336
00:18:11,687 --> 00:18:13,405
Oh, thank God for that.
337
00:18:13,447 --> 00:18:15,677
- He's gone out to dinner with Janey.
- What?
338
00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:17,877
And you're paying
for being so mean to them.
339
00:18:17,927 --> 00:18:20,282
No, no, no, no. They can't do that.
That's all wrong.
340
00:18:20,327 --> 00:18:21,680
Don't panic -
they're not going to the Ritz.
341
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:26,243
No, don't you understand? No!
Janey cannot go out with Craig.
342
00:18:26,287 --> 00:18:30,075
- Why not?
- Um, because...because...
343
00:18:30,127 --> 00:18:31,446
Yes, yes, I got ''because''.
344
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,523
Oh, God...
345
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:36,161
Oh, God.
346
00:18:36,207 --> 00:18:37,720
I was hoping to spare you this.
347
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:39,120
Spare me what?
348
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:40,395
- Sit down.
- No.
349
00:18:40,447 --> 00:18:42,403
OK, stand.
350
00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:44,961
I've just remembered a minor...
351
00:18:45,007 --> 00:18:49,603
some may say trivial...
incident involving Craig's mother.
352
00:18:49,647 --> 00:18:51,638
- Oh, yes?
- Yeah.
353
00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:53,166
While we were at uni...
354
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,327
...I had knowledge of her.
355
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:59,358
Knowledge of her?
356
00:18:59,407 --> 00:19:01,557
Who are you, Moses(?)
357
00:19:03,127 --> 00:19:04,879
Do you mean you slept with her?
358
00:19:06,287 --> 00:19:07,402
A bit.
359
00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:11,164
I'm sensing now you're a little upset.
360
00:19:11,207 --> 00:19:15,246
Yep. Susan, Susan, please,
this was a long time ago,
361
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:17,960
way, way before you and I even met.
362
00:19:18,007 --> 00:19:21,363
I mean, it was October 1 975. You know,
you didn't come onto campus until...
363
00:19:21,407 --> 00:19:26,356
- September 1 97 4.
- Are you sure?
364
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:29,444
Yeah, OK, obviously you are.
365
00:19:29,487 --> 00:19:32,524
We were dating in 1 975!
366
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,717
We were exclusive, or so I thought.
367
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:37,884
Look, are you sure about your dates?
Please, now, come on.
368
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,317
I would not be seeing another woman
while I was going out with you.
369
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,880
- Uh-huh(!)
- No, please.
370
00:19:42,927 --> 00:19:45,964
Susan, you have fulfilled...
371
00:19:46,007 --> 00:19:51,798
my every desire, every desire,
both emotionally and, you know...
372
00:19:56,607 --> 00:19:59,679
You want proof we were dating?
I'll give you proof!
373
00:19:59,727 --> 00:20:00,762
Right...
374
00:20:00,807 --> 00:20:04,243
1 975.
375
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:06,403
October, you say?
376
00:20:06,447 --> 00:20:08,642
Oh, my God!
You keep all your old diaries?
377
00:20:08,687 --> 00:20:10,643
Just in case the divorce gets messy.
378
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:12,439
Ah-ha!
379
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:14,836
Hm?
380
00:20:14,887 --> 00:20:16,115
Mm-hm?
381
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:17,964
Mm-hm.
382
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:22,884
Right, we'll consider the matter closed,
and I'll say no more about it.
383
00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:26,886
- What?! You always say more about it.
- Give, give, give, give! Oh, Ben...
384
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,804
Wait! What? Oh, my God!
385
00:20:28,847 --> 00:20:31,077
October 28th...
386
00:20:31,127 --> 00:20:34,722
''I haven't seen Ben
for over five weeks.''
387
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,679
There you go, you see,
we were not going out!
388
00:20:37,727 --> 00:20:40,844
Why? Because we were
on a trial separation. Why?
389
00:20:40,887 --> 00:20:42,400
Because I was drinking too much!
390
00:20:42,447 --> 00:20:45,519
There...oh!
So who's the idiot now, huh?
391
00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:49,765
So, you see, we were not going out
with each other at the time,
392
00:20:49,807 --> 00:20:51,160
so I'm off the hook.
393
00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:53,926
Oh, you are so not off the hook!
394
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,482
You just couldn't wait to jump into
the sack with somebody else, could you?
395
00:20:57,527 --> 00:21:01,315
But you wanted a trial separation
to see what happened and...and...
396
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:03,801
that's what happened!
397
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:05,917
Ah, raised voices.
398
00:21:05,967 --> 00:21:08,401
Always nice to come home to.
What's it about this time?
399
00:21:08,447 --> 00:21:10,961
Your mother is looking
for a way to apologise to me.
400
00:21:11,007 --> 00:21:13,919
I am certainly not!
401
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,197
After what you did, you...you rat.
402
00:21:16,247 --> 00:21:18,761
Ah, so you've told her, have you?
403
00:21:18,807 --> 00:21:21,560
Yes, yes, he's told me.
404
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:23,279
Hold on - Michael knows?!
405
00:21:23,327 --> 00:21:26,205
Yep, we shared a secret.
406
00:21:26,247 --> 00:21:29,284
And can I just say, Mum,
the idea of Craig being my half-brother
407
00:21:29,327 --> 00:21:30,806
doesn't upset me at all.
408
00:21:36,007 --> 00:21:37,725
Thank you, Michael(!)
409
00:21:39,287 --> 00:21:41,198
Hadn't quite got to that bit yet.
410
00:21:44,207 --> 00:21:45,276
Right.
411
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:48,644
OK.
412
00:21:48,687 --> 00:21:50,405
I'll be off.
413
00:21:51,607 --> 00:21:54,758
Got to make some toast.
Mind if I take this? Good. Bye!
414
00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:01,519
Craig is your son?
415
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:04,479
No, nothing's proven, Susan,
nothing's proven.
416
00:22:04,527 --> 00:22:07,485
You know, all I've got to do
is get some hair and some saliva,
417
00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,119
and Michael's gonna run a DNA test,
418
00:22:09,167 --> 00:22:11,840
and if the test proves negative,
then I'm in the clear.
419
00:22:11,887 --> 00:22:14,765
Oh, you think?
420
00:22:14,807 --> 00:22:19,278
Susan, I know you're upset, but you know,
there's bigger issues here, you know.
421
00:22:19,327 --> 00:22:21,716
Janey...Janey is out with Craig.
422
00:22:21,767 --> 00:22:23,359
Oh, my God!
423
00:22:23,407 --> 00:22:28,435
Still, nothing to worry about. What
can happen? It's only their first date.
424
00:22:28,487 --> 00:22:30,205
It's Janey.
425
00:22:35,807 --> 00:22:38,685
So, is there a Mrs Willoughby?
426
00:22:38,727 --> 00:22:40,683
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
427
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:43,525
- No, no, my mum.
- Oh.
428
00:22:43,567 --> 00:22:45,717
And do you want kids
when we get married?
429
00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:48,486
You! Sorry, you...you get married?
430
00:22:48,527 --> 00:22:51,519
- Oh, my God. There they are.
- Oh, look,
431
00:22:51,567 --> 00:22:55,640
your sluttish daughter is on a date
with your illegitimate son.
432
00:22:57,247 --> 00:22:59,636
Just keep them apart
and get the DNA.
433
00:22:59,687 --> 00:23:00,756
Right.
434
00:23:00,807 --> 00:23:06,359
- Ah, well...Craigy!
- What a coincidence!
435
00:23:06,407 --> 00:23:09,877
Us in the same restaurant.
Who'd have thought it?
436
00:23:09,927 --> 00:23:13,715
- You made the booking, Mum.
- Oh, silly me.
437
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:17,476
OK, so may we join you?
438
00:23:18,727 --> 00:23:21,605
This is nice.
439
00:23:21,647 --> 00:23:24,957
- How's everything going? All right?
- It was until you two arrived.
440
00:23:25,007 --> 00:23:28,522
Janey and I have been chatting. Turns out
we have quite a bit in common, eh?
441
00:23:28,567 --> 00:23:31,001
More than you can imagine.
442
00:23:33,047 --> 00:23:36,403
You know what I like to do
whenever I'm in a restaurant?
443
00:23:36,447 --> 00:23:39,678
- Embarrass me?
- No, I like to...
444
00:23:43,007 --> 00:23:47,080
I like to rub the inside of my mouth
with the old breadstick.
445
00:23:47,127 --> 00:23:48,845
Get the old taste buds going.
446
00:23:48,887 --> 00:23:50,479
It's really quite fun.
Why don't you try it?
447
00:23:50,527 --> 00:23:51,562
Yeah, go on, have a go.
448
00:23:51,607 --> 00:23:53,404
- No, I'm all right, mate.
- Please, please have a go.
449
00:23:53,447 --> 00:23:57,599
Dad! He said no. ...I'm so sorry.
They're not usually like this.
450
00:23:57,647 --> 00:23:59,205
Well, actually, they are.
451
00:24:01,327 --> 00:24:03,397
Lovely smile.
Hasn't he got a lovely smile?
452
00:24:03,447 --> 00:24:05,039
Oh, beautiful teeth.
453
00:24:05,087 --> 00:24:06,998
Lovely teeth. But, I think,
if you don't mind me saying...
454
00:24:07,047 --> 00:24:09,641
ah-ah, yep, yep, beginnings of an abscess.
455
00:24:09,687 --> 00:24:12,326
- Oh, how can you tell?
- Oh, please, years of experience.
456
00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:14,801
Look, look...show Susan.
There, right in the corner.
457
00:24:14,847 --> 00:24:16,963
- Oh, yes.
- Here. That's right.
458
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:19,799
OK, so what are we having?
459
00:24:21,567 --> 00:24:23,080
What is wrong with you two?
460
00:24:23,127 --> 00:24:25,197
This is weird,
even by your bizarre standards.
461
00:24:25,247 --> 00:24:27,522
Where is that waiter? I'm starving.
462
00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:28,716
I'm not staying here with you lunatics.
463
00:24:28,767 --> 00:24:30,644
Craig, can we just go somewhere
on our own?
464
00:24:30,687 --> 00:24:34,316
No, no, no... You can't go, because...
because... Oh, Ben, say something!
465
00:24:34,367 --> 00:24:35,880
I think you might be my son.
466
00:24:38,407 --> 00:24:40,921
Not that.
467
00:24:47,927 --> 00:24:50,441
- (DRONING)
- Craig! Craig!
468
00:24:50,487 --> 00:24:53,877
- Craig!
- (DRONE STOPS)
469
00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:55,724
What, you don't like the Beatles?
470
00:24:59,447 --> 00:25:02,519
Michael's on his way, and, er,
471
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:04,762
phew, he's got the DNA results.
472
00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:06,445
I need a drink. Thank you.
473
00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:09,081
Craig, Craigy, Craigy, Craigy.
474
00:25:10,807 --> 00:25:13,037
Er, may I have a word, please?
475
00:25:13,087 --> 00:25:15,123
- Yes, Benno?
- Don't call me Benno.
476
00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:19,604
- OK, Dad.
- Just...stick to Benno, OK?
477
00:25:19,647 --> 00:25:22,366
Look, Craig, if this test proves
478
00:25:22,407 --> 00:25:24,796
that you are indeed
the fruit of my loins...
479
00:25:24,847 --> 00:25:28,044
Oh, God...!
480
00:25:28,087 --> 00:25:29,805
I want you to know, Craig,
481
00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:33,123
that I will treat you in the same way
as I treat all my children.
482
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:34,998
Oh, God!
483
00:25:36,047 --> 00:25:38,038
Well, thanks, Benno.
484
00:25:38,087 --> 00:25:40,760
Trust me,
it's nothing to be grateful for.
485
00:25:40,807 --> 00:25:43,241
Run, Craig. Run like the wind.
486
00:25:43,287 --> 00:25:44,959
All I'm saying is, Craig, as always,
487
00:25:45,007 --> 00:25:49,558
that I am prepared to accept
my obligations and responsibilities.
488
00:25:49,607 --> 00:25:52,963
Yes, I know how to be a father.
489
00:25:53,007 --> 00:25:55,043
Sorry!
490
00:25:55,087 --> 00:25:58,238
I'm just saying, Susan,
that if this test proves to be positive,
491
00:25:58,287 --> 00:26:00,198
I will be proud
492
00:26:00,247 --> 00:26:04,206
to call this fine young man my...son.
493
00:26:05,727 --> 00:26:08,924
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
494
00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:12,164
- the results are in.
- Oh, please...
495
00:26:13,367 --> 00:26:16,643
Yes, we have a winner.
496
00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:21,442
In an extraordinary, nail-biting finale,
the nation has voted...
497
00:26:21,487 --> 00:26:23,523
- Oh, please, Michael!
- Get on with it, for goodness' sake!
498
00:26:23,567 --> 00:26:27,526
Well, as you know, I submitted
the breadstick to the laboratory,
499
00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:32,083
and their results
were absolutely conclusive.
500
00:26:32,127 --> 00:26:35,324
Craig's father is...
501
00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:37,039
Mr Hovis.
502
00:26:37,087 --> 00:26:39,885
Oh, you... Just pack it in.
503
00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:43,124
You can't get a sample
from a breadstick, Dad.
504
00:26:43,167 --> 00:26:46,125
Luckily, I had the foresight
to get a clean DNA sample
505
00:26:46,167 --> 00:26:48,078
from one of Craig's sweaty socks.
506
00:26:48,127 --> 00:26:50,595
And the result is...
507
00:26:50,647 --> 00:26:52,126
Boom-boom...
508
00:26:53,527 --> 00:26:55,438
Boom-boom...
509
00:26:55,487 --> 00:26:57,443
Craig...
510
00:26:57,487 --> 00:27:00,718
Janey...
511
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:02,883
Mum...
512
00:27:02,927 --> 00:27:06,237
Dad...
513
00:27:06,287 --> 00:27:09,165
Boom-boom...
Boom-boom...
514
00:27:12,607 --> 00:27:15,758
Congratulations, Craig, you are...
515
00:27:15,807 --> 00:27:17,206
- not a Harper.
- Oh!
516
00:27:17,247 --> 00:27:19,363
- Is that certain?
- Totally.
517
00:27:19,407 --> 00:27:23,764
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
518
00:27:23,807 --> 00:27:26,002
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, y...
519
00:27:26,047 --> 00:27:29,278
Although on another level,
I'm deeply disappointed.
520
00:27:29,327 --> 00:27:31,716
Pack his tent, pack his tent.
521
00:27:36,767 --> 00:27:38,359
Susan, I...
522
00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:41,365
I know we weren't seeing each other
at the time,
523
00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:43,682
and it was a very, very long time ago,
524
00:27:43,727 --> 00:27:49,996
but, er, I really
shouldn't have...been seeing her.
525
00:27:50,047 --> 00:27:52,959
That's all right, darling.
It's all in the past.
526
00:27:53,007 --> 00:27:54,042
Yep.
527
00:27:54,087 --> 00:27:55,998
- Let's just put all that behind us.
- OK. That's very decent of you.
528
00:27:56,047 --> 00:27:59,357
Well, I think,
given everything that happened...
529
00:28:00,687 --> 00:28:02,518
...I have to be gracious about this.
530
00:28:02,567 --> 00:28:04,797
Yes.
531
00:28:04,847 --> 00:28:09,398
Especially as I've been re-reading
my diary and reminded myself that...
532
00:28:09,447 --> 00:28:11,324
while we were on our break...
533
00:28:13,087 --> 00:28:15,203
...I slept with my English tutor.
534
00:28:15,247 --> 00:28:16,726
Night-night, darling.
535
00:28:21,167 --> 00:28:23,203
Sweet dreams.
40734
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