All language subtitles for My Family - S10E03 - Desperately Stalking Susan

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Mikey.

- Good to see you.
- Good seeing you, too.

- Oh, Dad?
- Oh...so close.

Don't forget Valentine's Day
is coming up.

How dare you?! As if I would forget

such a special day, Mikey!

Just looking out for Mum.

Hey, your mother will be very happy
when 2 7th February rolls along.

It's the 1 4th.

It's the... I knew that.

I'm gonna get your mother
the perfect card, Mikey.

The perfect card
that says how much I love and cherish her

and how much I would do
anything for her...

Would you pick up one for me?

Wow, £2 (!)

Yep, bring the change back later.

- Hey, Janey.
- Mmm...

You all right?

Yeah, I've just done three double shifts
back to back,

and I've got another one tonight.

Ah, well, here...

try this Tiger Fuel stuff.

It's an energy drink.
It got me through my exams.

Michael, I'm a working mother,
this is just what we do.

We have in-built reserves of energy
that you men can only dream of.

It's got taurine, caffeine,
B vitamins, glucose and sucrose.

Susan, have we got any of that cream left?

- My itch is back.
- Ben...

I tell you,
it's like bonfire night down here.

- Ben...
- I was this close to going after it

with a scaler today.
Oh, hello. Good evening.

This is Martin from across the road.

Nice to see you again, Ben.

I've never met the guy.

Yes, you have.

- His wife's funeral. Margaret?
- (MOUTHS)

St David's church?
The Bishop of York gave the eulogy.

At the wake
they had a four-cheese quiche.

Yep, got the guy.

Well, he's retired now and he's bored.

So he's filling his days doing odd jobs.

We can't afford him.

He's doing it for free,
out of the kindness of his heart.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, that should do it.
Broken drawer fixed.

Oh, thank you so much. It's nice
to have a man around the house.

Oh, well, I'm sure
Ben can do a fine job himself.

No, no, no. No, it's very nice
to have a free man around the house.

Just give me a ring if there's
anything else you need doing.

Oh, you've done so much already.

Well, staying busy does help
to keep my spirits up, you know.

Well, we're here to help in any way
we can. That's what good neighbours do.

You know, we support each other
during the difficult times.

Matter of fact,
I don't know whether you noticed,

but our front fence needs painting...

- Oh, I'll get my stuff.
- Good, good. Two coats should do it.

Ben!

- (WHIRRING BUZZ)
- What is that noise?

It's Martin.
He was feeling a bit down yesterday,

so I offered to let him trim our conifers.

You're quite the Samaritan(!)

You can't keep taking, Susan.
You can't keep taking.

It feels good to give back.

Well, I hope he's being careful.
I don't want him hurting himself.

I should hope not. I mean, that chimney's
not going to re-point itself.

Oh!

What?

You remembered.

Oh, they've arrived!

That's...that's...good.

Oh, this is a little saucy.

That's a little saucy...

Whoa, it is...

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, God. Get a room.

OK. We'll use the one
you supposedly moved out of.

I'd better put these in water.

Mmm...whoo...hmm. Hm-hm, whoa...

- What part of £2 didn't you understand?!
- What are you talking about?

And what's with the saucy card
to your mother, you little sicko?

I didn't get her anything.

Well, who sent that?

Urgh! Not me!

Obviously Mum has a secret admirer.
You'd better tell her.

Yeah. Um...

Let's make it an early night tonight,
shall we?

Mm-hm.

Whoo...

Mmm...

We won't bother her now.
We'll tell her in the morning.

So you're not worried
Mum has a secret admirer?

He has access to the house.
This is creepy.

- Hmm?
- This guy could be dangerous.

Nobody has access to the house,
and where's the danger?

Anything else you need cut down?

Oh, hi, Ben. Um, I'm sorry
that I didn't get round to the gutters.

The doctor told me
I should rest in the afternoon.

Don't worry.
They'll still be full in the morning.

I just popped round to say thank you for
all your hard work. Really appreciate it.

- No problem.
- Oh, another thing -

very small thing - um, did you send my
wife a really explicit Valentine's card?

Guilty as charged.

I'm sorry if I crossed the line,

but Susan has been so kind
and supportive since my wife died.

I guess I just got carried away.

Well, it was a bit much,

you understand, what with the flowers
and the chocolates.

- I apologise. It won't happen again.
- Good.

I'd be happy to go over right now
and tell her it was me who sent them.

No, no, no! No, no, no. No, it's fine.

You just get yourself fighting fit for
those gutters in the morning. Say...7 am?

- I'll be there.
- Good. Don't ring the bell. Just start.

Bye!

(WHISTLES)

Hi, Dad, can't stop, got to get Kenzo.

Ooh, before I forget,
your garage called. The car's ready.

They've done a full service
including oil, air and pollen filters.

Apparently your brakes needed relining,
the ignition timing belt needed replacing

and that squeaking you complained
about was your power steering.

They've adjusted your diff, lubed your
front bushes, stripped your valve housing,

replaced your rear shocks
and re-gassed your aircon. Gotta dash.

Bye!

Sorry, who called?

(DOOR BANGS)

- Hello, you.
- (HUSKILY) Hello.

- Come and sit down with me.
- OK.

I like the new Ben.

No, no, you know...I love the new Ben.

- Whoa!
- You overwhelm me.

Really?

I never thought you knew me
as well as this.

Everything you've bought me
is just, well... (SIGHS)

- ...just perfect.
- Really?

Er...?

Oh, so the rest of it arrived.
That's good...!

Is there more to come, Ben?

Is there?

Well...

let's all be surprised.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(KNOCKING)

Hello?

Hello, Martin!

Hello, anyone there?

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Martin?

Hello?

Martin?

Susan!

Whoo... Whoa!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Er, Susan, can I, can I talk to you
about something?

Oh, my God,

you want to talk to me?!

First the gifts
and now you want to talk to me?

This is the best day of my life.

Er, Susan, um, I-I don't think

that we should have Martin
working round here any more.

Why not?

Well, there's something
not quite right about him.

What? That he's helpful and likes me?

It's this whole thing, you know.

He's using us
to get over his wife's death.

You know, he's exploiting us.

You didn't seem to mind
when he was unclogging our U-bend.

You see, I went round to his house,

you know, to thank him
for all his hard work and, er,

I sort of found myself alone

in his larder...

and I stumbled across
something I didn't quite like.

Vegetables?

Worse.

Photos of you.

What?

Photos of you! Pho... Ev... Look...

everywhere! Susan, Susan,

this man's a fully paid-up,
baying-at-the-moon nut job.

Come on, Ben,
I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Martin's just a sweet old man.

Sweet ol... He's a sweet old man
with a zoom lens and a shrine.

And access to dangerous
garden equipment.

What's he going to do, prune you?!
Come on, Ben,

forget about him. Come to bed.

I still haven't rewarded you
for all my Valentine's Day gifts.

Yeah, and that's the thing, you see,
cos it's Martin who...

- who...
- Who what?

What? Oh, Martin,

he must be seething with jealousy
about all the gifts that I bought you.

Look, Ben, if Martin has

- a few photos of me...
- If? If?! You don't believe me?!

Well, come on, come on,
you do have a tendency

to let your imagination run away with you.

It's true, at times it's kept things
fresh in the bedroom, but...

No, no, no, no, I don't believe this!
You don't believe me!

OK, OK, you want proof?
You want proof?

No, no, no, I want you to shut up
and get in to bed.

OK, fine. I'll get you proof.

Sorry, best put on my trousers first.

Bye.

(CLUNKS AND RATTLES)

(CRUNCH AND RATTLE)

(CLUNK!)

(RIP!)

(CLICK!)

Evening.

What the hell's going on?
What are you doing in my kitchen?

I saw smoke. Thought you had a fire.

Came over and, er, phew, false alarm!

That's a relief, eh?

So... Ha-ha-ha! ...crisis averted.

So I'll say good night. Good night!

Why did you break in
through my window?

Well, to be accurate,
the window was actually open.

So technically speaking
there was no break-in as such.

Why didn't you just come
to the front door?

Er, didn't want to wake you.

You thought there was a fire
and you didn't want to wake me?!

That's right. Well, fire...bit of a fib.

The truth is,
I wanted to return the hammer

that you've been using over at my place.

But I was using your hammer.

That's right. Which is why
I didn't bring it with me.

I'm sorry about that.
So I'll say good night. Good night, OK?

Good night.

See you in the morning.

Ha-ha. About 7 am, OK? Just keep the, er...

(THUD!)

(SHOUTS) Susan! Susan!

- Oh, hey, guess what?
- What?!

I have proof.
Photographic evidence, Susan!

You, my friend, are going to look
such an idiot. (LAUGHS)

Right, let's see it.

See it? I got it in the camera.

In the camera...oh, my God,
that I've left behind...

Yeah, right.
''I feel like such an idiot''(!)

Come on, think, Ben, think!

- Oh, Ben, what have you done?
- Oh, nothing.

I haven't done anything illegal,
if that's what you mean.

No, it's fine.
I simply broke in to his house.

You broke in to his house?!

Yeah, he should be fine, fine.
It won't cause any problems.

(SIREN WAILS)

Ah. It may not be for me.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

So, you still maintain
that Mr Ross is a stalker?

Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

I mean, I know it seems crazy that
anyone would have a shrine to my wife...

Thank you so much(!)

No, I didn't mean it like that.
There's an easy way to sort this out.

I'll take you over there
and show it to you.

We can't go in without a search warrant.

Well, go and get one.

- We can't without reasonable cause.
- Oh!

''Reasonable cause''?
What sort of rubbishy policing is that?

''Oh, we can't go in there
without reasonable cause,

''we might get into trouble.''
Oh, come on, that is pathetic.

Well, that's going to win them over(!)

Mr Harper, you should consider yourself
a very lucky man.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm blessed(!)

If Mr Ross was inclined to press charges,

I'd be taking you down the station
right now.

You're not going to arrest my husband?

No, madam.

Oh.

We're going to let him off
with a very severe warning.

Oh, ''a very severe warning''?! Oh, great.

So it's a slap on the wrist for me
and nothing at all

for Norman Bates over there?!
Come on, you've got to do something.

Good night.

I'll show you out, Sergeant.

He's got a gun, you know.

Excuse me?

Martin Ross. Got a gun.

Yeah, shotgun. Big, er...

...sort of...ooh, whopping great thing.

And, er, he pointed it at me.

I'm beginning to wish he'd fired it.

A gun, eh? Well, that does give us
reasonable cause for entry.

Pfff!

Who knew?

A gun, officer?!

Mr Harper maintains you pointed it at him.

Yeah, yeah, well, let's not get
bogged down with unnecessary details.

It's the shrine we've come to see.

- Shrine?
- Yes, the shrine.

Don't you play innocent
with me, chummy.

OK, you doubting Thomases,
prepare to believe me now!

Ha! Cop... Er...

So this is a shrine to who?
Jamie Oliver?

No, no, no... It's food.

In a larder.
Who'd have thought it(?)

No, no, no, no, no,
but it was pictures and photographs

and lights, twinkly lights and the pede...

Shoe... All right, what have you done
with them, you weirdo?

Oh, Ben, for goodness' sake.

Ah-ha! Gotcha now! You didn't know
I'd photographed it, did you?

Ha, ha! Look at this, look at this,
Sergeant, have a look at that, ha ha!

Yes, and you get ready to give me
a big, fat, grovelling apology,

and you, you, you loony tune,
you're going to end up in a rubber room

in a jacket with laces up the back.

Care to explain this, Mr Harper?

Yeah, yeah, that's me,
running away from the house.

After he broke in.

After... No, you see,
ah, technically, I didn't break in,

because the window was opened, which
allowed me to come through the window

with a camera to take pictures
of this larder with the photographs

of my wife up on the wall here
and the twinkly lights

and the shoe on the pedestal
because he is unstable!

Oh, he's unstable.

Yeah, let's have a look at more pictures.

There aren't any more pictures.

That's... What?

You've wiped it! You crafty git.

I really don't know
what he's talking about.

You're not alone.

Let's just return to this matter
of the shotgun, shall we?

What shotgun?

- Evening.
- Yeah, hi.

You all right? Good, good, good.

You're cleaning?

Don't put it there,
I've just polished that.

All right. Sorry.

Where are Mum and Dad?

Well, Dad went over to see Martin
about all those Valentine presents

and he says that Martin
had a shrine to Mum in the kitchen,

but Mum didn't believe him.
So Dad broke in and took photos,

but Martin called the police,
and when they opened the door,

surprise, surprise, no shrine,
and the police got really angry with Dad

and took him to the police station
for questioning,

so Mum's gone over the road to see Martin
to get him to drop the charges.

How many of those energy drinks
have you had today?

- How many come in a pack?
- Six.

Two packs.

Janey, you're only supposed to have
one a day. They have side effects.

Don't be ridiculous. Did that apple
just say something about me?

Look, Martin, I know my husband
hasn't made it easy to forgive him.

He never does. But I was hoping
you might do it anyway, for my sake.

- Anything for you, Susan.
- Good.

Except that.

Have you ever thought what
it might be like if Ben wasn't around?

What? The mini-breaks,
the great dinners, the singles scene?

No, I haven't really thought about it.

I've never thought of Ben
as being right for you, Susan.

You're not the first to say that.

I wish we'd met years ago.

D-d-d...do you think you could have
fancied a chap like me?

Well, um,

you're a lovely man with great...
great manners...

and that counts for a lot.

But no, I can't see myself
with anyone else but Ben.

Oh.

Excuse me a moment, Susan.

So I'm hoping we can put this
in the past and move forward.

I promise
Ben won't do anything like this again.

He has a tendency to let
his imagination run away with him.

I tried to tell him
that just because someone likes me,

doesn't mean that they're...

...insane.

Oh! Oh, I see you've found it.

I think it looks better than before.
Do you like it?

Well, I don't have any other
disconcerting shrines to compare it to.

I hope you don't think it's strange.

Why would I think it's strange?

I only did it to show you
that I'm the perfect man for you.

Well, the...the dress isn't helping.

I borrowed this from your wardrobe...
in order to feel close to you.

- Don't worry, I'll let you have it back.
- Oh, no rush!

Women like you are rare jewels, Susan.

You were so kind to me
when my darling wife, Margaret, died.

You think you'll never, ever find
love like that again,

and there you were, across the road.

Speaking of across the road,
I think I should be going home.

- No. Let's have coffee first.
- I think I should be...

No. Let's have coffee first.

I meant what I said about Ben.

I mean, be honest, does he have
a single redeeming feature?

Well, as far as I know,
he's never worn any of my clothes.

Oh! I apologise.
I forgot to get coffee!

I'll run home and get some.

Or...not.

Coffee keeps me awake at night anyway.

Like...this won't.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Mikey!

Mikey Mikey Mikey Mikey Mikey!

Oh, God, Janey. Are you all right?

Good! Good, good, good,
good, good, good.

- Where are you?
- Liverpool.

What are you doing there?

I fancied a walk.

Listen, Janey, you do realise
when you come down off that stuff,

it's going to be one major crash.

Janey?

Janey?

Hey, Dad.

Yeah.

So, you're home, then?

Yeah.

Are you electronically tagged,
or did you break out?

It was all a misunderstanding, Mikey.
Where's your mother?

She went over to iron things out
with Mr Ross.

She what?

- Are you insane? You let her go?
- Why?

Because the guy is crazy!
Go and get her back, Mikey, go!

- Why can't you do it?
- Several reasons.

Like what?

Restraining order.

That's never stopped you before.

Yeah, OK. Right, you're right.

OK, I'll go. Er, Mikey, er...
if I don't come back...

There's a safe in the bedroom
in a cupboard

and it has a reserve of emergency cash
and some jewellery...

Yes, Dad?

I'd like to be buried with it.

There's no point in fighting it, Susan.

You must know that you and I
have a future together.

Is it a future that doesn't
involve me tied to a chair?

You and I have so much in common.

Apart from dress size?

Don't be flippant.

Sorry.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, nothing.
Look, Martin, you're obviously

under a great deal of pressure.

Why don't you let me call someone
to come over and talk to you?

More psychiatrists? Well, forget it.
I don't need any of them.

You might need some of them.

(WHISPERS) Hello? Hello,
is that the Park Road Police Station?

Yes, I'd like to speak
to a Sergeant Miller.

Ben Harper.

Yes, the lunatic.

Martin Ross has kidnapped my wife
and is holding her hostage.

She is tied to a chair
at his kitchen table.

Oh, and he's wearing a cocktail dress.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Now, isn't that funny?

You're wearing the dress,
and I'm feeling awkward.

Well done. My hero(!)

For an old guy in a frock,
he's deceptively strong, you know.

All those years sitting up in bed,
reading Jason Bourne books.

Shame none of it rubbed off.

I didn't have to rescue you at all,
you know, I could have just run off.

And the difference would have been...?

You didn't believe me, did you,
when I said he was crazy?

Yes, I think someone
owes someone an apology.

- What?
- I'd like an apology.

I'd like you to admit that
you were wrong and I was right.

- Now?
- Yes!

That's your priority?

We're tied up and at the mercy of a maniac
and you want an apology?

I'm just saying it would be nice,
that's all.

Let's just concentrate on
getting out of here, shall we?

- Fine.
- OK.

Fine. Right, let's make our way
to the cutlery drawer.

Look, look.

I know we haven't done this in a while,
but let's work together on this, shall we?

- OK. Ready?
- BOTH: One, two, three...

Don't work so hard, Susan,
just bounce around a little.

I've heard that before.

Move! Shh, shh, come on,
go on, go on, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- OK? Nearly? Oh...
- Yeah, yeah!

Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's full of your knickers!

- Did you not notice they were gone?
- I thought it was you.

I thought you were going through a phase.

Bingo.

Oh, you found the knives?

No, no, he plays bingo.

Move, move, bit more, bit more!

Yep, yep, found the cutlery.

- Brilliant!
- Brilliant!

(CLATTER)

Not so brilliant.

Going somewhere?

Obviously not
the same place as you are.

You've stolen my make-up as well?

No, we have different skin tones.

I'm an autumn, you're a spring.

Well, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye.
You've left me no choice.

I shall have to move away
and leave the area for good.

- Yep, that's very wise.
- Probably for the best.

Of course, I'll have to
get rid of the evidence.

Yep, that's very wise too.

Ben, we're the evidence!

Oh, damn.

I'm going to talk to him.

What? You're going to talk to him?!

But he's completely irrational,
with the mental age of a child.

Trust me, I've had experience.

I'm going to convince him
that I'm going to run away with him

and leave you for ever.
I'll get him to untie me,

then I'll untie you, and then
we'll overpower him together.

And you will untie me, right?

Oh, Martin,

I just need to have a word
before you put us in a shallow grave.

Shallow? With this?

You don't know much about shovels, do you?

I just need you
to know my true feelings.

I'm afraid I haven't been exactly honest
with you before.

I think I may love you.

My relationship with Ben
has been a sham for years.

You're the type of man...slash woman
I want to have in my life.

Sure, Ben's made some pathetic attempts

by sending me flowers
and chocolates on Valentine's Day...

I sent those.

What?

You didn't send me
any of that stuff?

Don't believe him, Susan,
he's deranged.

It's the ramblings of a fruitcake.

As I was saying...

I loathe this man

and I would do anything, anything
in the world to get away from him.

Let me just untie you.

I haven't finished.

How could you not tell me
it was him who sent all that stuff?

- He was just about to untie you.
- Shut up!

Oh, Martin, whisk me away,
whisk me away, Martin.

I'll just go and get my bag.

Yes! Good, Susan...

Yeah, good, now untie me.

I want an apology.

What, now?

That's your priority?

Just saying, it would be nice.

OK, OK, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you
your wacko boyfriend

bought you the flowers
and chocolates and the underwear.

Say it like you mean it!

Would you just untie me?!

My darling! Our future awaits.

Oh, Martin, please,
may I just have my shoe?

Oh!

Good work, Susan, good work.
OK, now untie me.

Don't talk to me.

Susan...? Susan! Susan!

- Susan?
- Susan!

- Susan!
- Shut up!

- Susan!
- Susan!

Shut up! ...Susan!

Well, that was one of our more
interesting Valentine weekends.

I'm just glad Martin's getting
some professional help.

Yeah, yeah, good.

Do you think he'll be better
by the spring?

That chimney still needs
re-pointing, you know.

You're all heart(!)

Thank you for apologising, by the way.

It's OK.

Well, I know I was tied up
and about to be killed

by a homicidal cross-dresser, but I...

I really did mean it, you know.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

And I'm sorry I didn't send you
a Valentine's card.

Good night, darling.

Night.

Hang on...

What happened
to my Valentine's card?