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1
00:00:17,127 --> 00:00:18,719
Okay
2
00:00:18,927 --> 00:00:20,280
I've done the banner,
3
00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:23,006
the food's all sorted
and the champagne's on ice
4
00:00:23,087 --> 00:00:26,875
Susan, this is just a pre-wedding party
5
00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:28,559
Did we have to order real champagne?
6
00:00:28,647 --> 00:00:31,366
I mean, some of those sparkling
Spanish wines are just as good
7
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:32,436
True
8
00:00:32,527 --> 00:00:35,724
The sparkling wine you wanted
to order came from Libya
9
00:00:35,807 --> 00:00:38,719
Well, those New World wines,
darling, are excellent
10
00:00:38,807 --> 00:00:40,001
Libya is not the New World
11
00:00:40,087 --> 00:00:41,884
It's one of the oldest civilisations
on Earth
12
00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:44,117
And just two quid a bottle
13
00:00:45,047 --> 00:00:47,003
Did you pick up the figures
for the top of the cake?
14
00:00:47,087 --> 00:00:50,443
Yes Although I couldn't get a groom
15
00:00:50,527 --> 00:00:53,837
with Roger's vacant,
slightly confused stare
16
00:00:53,927 --> 00:00:56,566
Well, I could always paint one on
17
00:00:56,647 --> 00:01:00,003
It's just that weddings always
make me a little emotional
18
00:01:00,087 --> 00:01:03,716
A new couple starting a home,
19
00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:08,005
sharing adventures, having children,
maybe grandchildren
20
00:01:08,087 --> 00:01:10,123
And then dying
21
00:01:10,207 --> 00:01:13,438
What? It's the cycle of life
It's a beautiful thing
22
00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:15,643
♪ I'm getting married in the morning
23
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:16,796
Who, me? Yes, me!
24
00:01:16,887 --> 00:01:20,482
♪ Ding dong!
The bells are going to chime ♪
25
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:23,206
- Morning How's my best man?
- Yeah
26
00:01:23,287 --> 00:01:26,006
Stinking of Pledge and ten grand poorer
27
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:28,157
How's the hangover, Ben?
28
00:01:28,607 --> 00:01:30,837
- That was some stag night
- Oh, don't remind me
29
00:01:30,927 --> 00:01:32,997
What? A bottle of shandy,
watching The Railway Children?
30
00:01:33,087 --> 00:01:35,362
Good God, I can sleep that one off
31
00:01:35,447 --> 00:01:38,325
- Flowers, Roger?
- Oh, yes, they're from mum
32
00:01:38,407 --> 00:01:40,841
She still can't make the wedding
but she sent these
33
00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:44,124
- Very classy lady
- Lilies? Aren't they more for
34
00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:46,198
- What?
- Nothing
35
00:01:47,847 --> 00:01:52,398
Seriously, Ben,
it's going to mean so much to me
36
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,763
standing at the altar
with my best friend at my side
37
00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:56,962
Why, has he been in touch?
38
00:01:57,047 --> 00:01:59,117
Well, if he wants to do it,
it's fine by me
39
00:01:59,207 --> 00:02:01,402
Oh, you big kidder!
40
00:02:02,767 --> 00:02:05,281
So, all set for tomorrow?
41
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,835
Yes It's tomorrow, isn't it?
42
00:02:08,727 --> 00:02:11,719
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Gosh, gosh, the day's almost here
43
00:02:11,807 --> 00:02:13,638
He's going, Susan
44
00:02:13,727 --> 00:02:15,683
The most important day of my life
45
00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:17,997
He's having one of his panic attacks
46
00:02:18,087 --> 00:02:20,476
Do something No, no, no! Not that
47
00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:22,285
I'm getting a tingling down my left arm
48
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:24,039
- He's getting hysterical
- Boo!
49
00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:27,005
No! It's a panic attack,
not the hiccups
50
00:02:27,087 --> 00:02:29,442
Actually, Susan,
I do feel a little bit better
51
00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:32,724
Oh, let me give him a little slap
just to be on the safe side
52
00:02:32,807 --> 00:02:34,399
No Ben, Ben, Ben
53
00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:43,284
Well, it's going well so far Hello
54
00:02:43,687 --> 00:02:45,643
It's quite fun having people around
55
00:02:45,727 --> 00:02:47,445
Yes, Ben
It's what's called a social life
56
00:02:47,527 --> 00:02:48,880
Oh, yeah
57
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:51,117
Have you seen the silver fruit bowl?
58
00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,038
I put it upstairs
in case someone nicks it
59
00:02:53,127 --> 00:02:54,526
Good move
60
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:57,840
Hi, Abi, any last-minute nerves?
61
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,919
No Just a flutter of excitement
in my tummy
62
00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:04,522
every time I look
across the room and see Roger
63
00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:08,523
You sure it's excitement?
'Cause nausea can feel very similar
64
00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:10,882
Oh, God Mum's on the pull again
65
00:03:10,967 --> 00:03:13,037
- Mum
- Oh, Abi
66
00:03:14,247 --> 00:03:17,444
- Lovely to see you, Shelly
- Back at you
67
00:03:17,527 --> 00:03:20,405
I thought Clairol
had stopped making that colour
68
00:03:20,487 --> 00:03:22,682
Actually, it's natural
69
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,645
Well, the dye's made
from natural ingredients
70
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,797
Ben, still as handsome as ever
71
00:03:27,887 --> 00:03:30,640
Well, I like to keep myself in trim
72
00:03:30,727 --> 00:03:33,321
Yeah, um No Bernard with you tonight?
73
00:03:33,407 --> 00:03:35,159
He was two husbands
and three houses ago
74
00:03:35,247 --> 00:03:38,922
- Oh, keep up, babes
- You certainly seem to get through them
75
00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:41,680
Yeah Yeah, I do, don't I?
76
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,122
That's why I'm so proud
of my little Abi
77
00:03:44,207 --> 00:03:46,846
Jumping into the saddle
from which her poor old mam
78
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:50,636
has been thrown so many, many times
79
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,199
You're so brave
80
00:03:53,927 --> 00:03:57,966
- Excuse me, I'll get another drink
- Oh, top me up, babe
81
00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:00,115
Sorry
82
00:04:01,487 --> 00:04:03,364
You know, Susan,
83
00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:07,156
I think I married the wrong Harper
when I married Dick
84
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,807
I tell you, babes,
you want to hang on to this one
85
00:04:09,887 --> 00:04:11,843
You're a very lucky girl
86
00:04:11,927 --> 00:04:15,078
I tell myself that every time
I pick up his underpants from the floor
87
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:19,718
Oh! Don't start talking about his pants
You'll get me at it
88
00:04:19,807 --> 00:04:22,241
- I think I'll circulate
- No Don't, Susan, don't Susan
89
00:04:22,327 --> 00:04:24,966
Hello Susan Janey Janey!
90
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:30,001
I don't suppose either of you have
remembered it's my birthday tomorrow?
91
00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:33,318
- Um
- That would spoil the surprise
92
00:04:34,247 --> 00:04:37,603
Don't even bother trying to lie
Everyone always forgets
93
00:04:37,687 --> 00:04:39,996
And to top it off this year,
my boyfriend's away,
94
00:04:40,087 --> 00:04:41,600
Kenzo's with his dad
95
00:04:41,687 --> 00:04:44,679
and I've got to spend the day
at a cabbage patch wedding
96
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:46,439
Well, at least
you get to be a bridesmaid
97
00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:48,563
Oh, whoop-de-doo!
98
00:04:49,087 --> 00:04:50,884
Yeah, Michael, have you seen my dress?
99
00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:52,366
Yeah, how would you
like to spend the day
100
00:04:52,447 --> 00:04:55,598
looking like something
that covers a toilet roll?
101
00:05:00,087 --> 00:05:03,921
Hello Totty at two o'clock
Watch and learn, Alfie
102
00:05:05,047 --> 00:05:08,119
- Alfie, there you are
- You know each other?
103
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:10,084
We were chatting in the kitchen earlier
104
00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:12,442
- Then it's high time you introduced me
- That's Michael
105
00:05:12,527 --> 00:05:15,280
Thank goodness you're here
I was just saying to Alfie
106
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,562
if this party doesn't liven up soon,
I'm going home
107
00:05:17,647 --> 00:05:22,084
- You mean upstairs to your bedroom?
- Yes
108
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:25,955
I still live with my parents, too
It's lovely though, isn't it?
109
00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:28,322
- Yes
- I need to go and get another drink
110
00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:30,443
- I'll get it
- I'll get it
111
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,886
- What are you playing at?
- She's after me
112
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,765
Beautiful women are drawn to me
like moths to a flame
113
00:05:36,847 --> 00:05:39,964
Flies to a corpse, you mean?
Now, back off
114
00:05:40,047 --> 00:05:41,958
Why don't you back off?
115
00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:44,604
Well, if you're
going to behave like this,
116
00:05:44,687 --> 00:05:47,360
we're clearly going to need
some ground rules
117
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,915
I'll tell you what the rules are,
Michael
118
00:05:50,007 --> 00:05:52,805
There are no rules, mano a mano.
119
00:05:52,887 --> 00:05:55,799
Suits me May the best man win
120
00:05:55,887 --> 00:05:58,003
- No mercy
- No surrender
121
00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:00,965
- No quarter asked
- No quarter given
122
00:06:02,047 --> 00:06:04,766
- After you
- No, after you
123
00:06:06,207 --> 00:06:08,357
Right, see you later Bye
124
00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:12,759
Enjoying yourself? Good, good Lovely
Don't drink too much Good
125
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:15,646
After you
126
00:06:17,447 --> 00:06:18,675
Great
127
00:06:19,287 --> 00:06:21,005
Ah, yes
128
00:06:21,927 --> 00:06:23,883
Alone at last
129
00:06:24,727 --> 00:06:28,561
Roger's uncle's just been sick
in the downstairs loo
130
00:06:29,247 --> 00:06:30,919
He thought the potpourri was Bombay mix
131
00:06:31,007 --> 00:06:34,477
- Sit down Relax, have a drink
- Have a drink? Have a drink?
132
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,558
It may have escaped your notice
but this is a party
133
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:39,844
Susan, calm down Look, look, look,
I haven't done anything for ages
134
00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:41,246
What can I do to help?
135
00:06:41,327 --> 00:06:43,363
You could clear up the sick
in the downstairs loo
136
00:06:43,447 --> 00:06:44,721
Nope Apart from that
137
00:06:44,807 --> 00:06:48,561
Okay You're so right You're so right
I'm just going to sit here
138
00:06:48,647 --> 00:06:51,366
and enjoy my red wine
139
00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:54,158
Hello, darling
140
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,160
Hello
141
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,960
Did I mention I do a bit of modelling?
142
00:07:03,927 --> 00:07:05,440
Michael
143
00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,882
- Cheers, Mum
- Michael, are you meant to have
144
00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:10,720
alcohol with your special medication?
145
00:07:11,087 --> 00:07:13,920
They're not for you anyway
I want you to hand these round for me
146
00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:15,520
Actually, Mum,
I'm talking at the moment
147
00:07:15,607 --> 00:07:17,040
Michael!
148
00:07:17,967 --> 00:07:19,525
(ALFIE EXCLAIMING)
149
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,079
Thank you, my man
150
00:07:22,847 --> 00:07:24,075
Thanks
151
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:26,680
BOTH: Cheers
152
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:30,157
Yeah, you know,
Michael's very close to his mother,
153
00:07:30,247 --> 00:07:33,444
which is quite common with gay men
154
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,440
- Michael's gay?
- Yes Yes, that's right
155
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:41,797
But he's only just come out so he's not
really comfortable talking about it
156
00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:45,084
- Strange
- Yeah, you wouldn't think it, would you?
157
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,117
Mind you, the walk is a bit
158
00:07:48,967 --> 00:07:53,757
Well, no, 'cause he said exactly
the same thing about you
159
00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:03,760
Oh, Roger
160
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:06,998
Is it right us seeing each other
like this the night before our wedding?
161
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,124
I'm a maverick, Abi
I make up my own rules
162
00:08:12,527 --> 00:08:14,597
That's right, babe, get stuck in
163
00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:17,838
You never know how long
that moment's going to last
164
00:08:17,927 --> 00:08:20,885
Hello, Ben Hello, Shelly
165
00:08:21,087 --> 00:08:22,600
Mum
166
00:08:24,967 --> 00:08:28,437
Anyway, I'd better be getting on myself
People will be wondering where I am
167
00:08:28,527 --> 00:08:30,643
Oh, no, you don't, Ben Harper
168
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:33,036
- You ain't going nowhere
- Really? Aren't I?
169
00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:35,357
It's about my teeth This one here
170
00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:37,881
Well, pop down the surgery anytime
171
00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:41,243
No Not good enough
I want you to look at it now
172
00:08:41,327 --> 00:08:43,443
And I can open very wide
173
00:08:43,527 --> 00:08:45,324
I'm sure you can
174
00:08:45,407 --> 00:08:48,399
Right Okay Right, well,
let's have a little look then, shall we?
175
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:52,765
Can't Can't be too
Can't be too careful
176
00:08:54,207 --> 00:08:56,562
Okay Let's use a little spatula
177
00:08:57,607 --> 00:09:01,600
Sorry, sorry It's party time
Open wide, then
178
00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:05,439
Oh, dear Oh, dear, dear, dear
Let's have a little look
179
00:09:05,527 --> 00:09:06,926
Now, I need a little bit
more light here
180
00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:08,042
Okay
181
00:09:08,127 --> 00:09:14,043
No, no I really can't see anything
No, you seem to be perfectly intact
182
00:09:14,127 --> 00:09:15,845
Ooh, you're so assured
183
00:09:15,927 --> 00:09:17,724
(GIGGLING)
184
00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:19,280
Oh, dear
185
00:09:20,247 --> 00:09:21,600
Going down
186
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,243
You're such a fast worker
187
00:09:26,887 --> 00:09:30,880
Oh, hi, darling
Just checking Shelly's bicuspid
188
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,200
I've never heard it called that before
189
00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:46,762
- Hola.
- Take anything
190
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:49,645
Take anything but don't touch the face
191
00:09:49,727 --> 00:09:52,764
- Are you all right, Ben?
- What are you doing up so late?
192
00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:55,122
Oh, no reason
193
00:09:56,447 --> 00:09:59,120
I shouldn't trouble you with it anyway
194
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:02,844
Okay Fair enough Good night, then
195
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,161
Abi, are you crying?
196
00:10:10,327 --> 00:10:11,760
No
197
00:10:12,727 --> 00:10:14,763
Oh, come here Come on
198
00:10:18,007 --> 00:10:19,884
Sit down
199
00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,320
What's up?
200
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,522
It's just getting married
201
00:10:29,607 --> 00:10:32,405
I don't know
if I'm doing the right thing
202
00:10:32,487 --> 00:10:35,524
What? Is that marrying in general
or marrying Roger?
203
00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:37,837
Because there is a difference
204
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:39,766
No
205
00:10:40,647 --> 00:10:44,686
It's just I saw my mum tonight
and it really made me think
206
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:46,644
I mean, she's been married
God knows how many times
207
00:10:46,727 --> 00:10:50,800
- and she's never made it work
- Well, that doesn't mean you can't
208
00:10:51,087 --> 00:10:53,476
- Do you think?
- Yeah Look
209
00:10:55,527 --> 00:10:59,725
I don't profess to know everything
there is about marriage, but,
210
00:10:59,807 --> 00:11:02,799
well, for me and Susan,
it just seems to work
211
00:11:03,487 --> 00:11:04,681
Really?
212
00:11:05,527 --> 00:11:06,846
Yeah
213
00:11:08,127 --> 00:11:11,164
Look, Abi Marriage is like
214
00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:13,762
It's like a boxing match, you know?
215
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:17,237
Two people in a ring
Sometimes they're dancing together
216
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:21,286
and sometimes they're holding on
to each other for support
217
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:24,962
and the next minute
they're knocking each other senseless
218
00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:26,082
Right
219
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,486
But, you know,
when the whole thing's done,
220
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:30,604
final bell is rung,
you can count on one thing
221
00:11:31,087 --> 00:11:33,555
You'll go up to each other
and have a little cuddle?
222
00:11:33,647 --> 00:11:36,605
Nah You're going to need
medical attention
223
00:11:39,047 --> 00:11:41,356
- Right, thanks for that
- Yeah
224
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:46,999
Actually not a bad analogy, that
Yeah, boxing Yeah Love boxing
225
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,041
Mind you, it's on Sky now, pay-per-view
Bloody rip-off
226
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:56,286
- Right, well Night, Ben
- Yeah Good night
227
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,245
Have I Have I been any help?
228
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:00,920
Yeah
229
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:03,760
You've really cleared things up for me
230
00:12:04,527 --> 00:12:06,961
That's good Good
231
00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:09,917
I'll have a little nightcap, then
232
00:12:13,927 --> 00:12:16,805
Mum, it's awful
233
00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:18,800
You look
234
00:12:19,287 --> 00:12:22,279
- You look like a princess
- Yeah
235
00:12:23,607 --> 00:12:26,485
- The one in Shrek.
- It's fine
236
00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:27,602
(STATIC BUZZING)
237
00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:30,201
- Bloody hell!
- Yes, Mum
238
00:12:30,287 --> 00:12:34,565
I'm enjoying the luxury
of 100% pure nylon
239
00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,717
Thank God my Steve's
not going to see me in this
240
00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:40,004
I'm sorry, Janey,
but today's about Roger and Abi
241
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,287
Just about Roger and Abi?
242
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:46,757
Today doesn't have
any other significance for you?
243
00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,202
The clocks don't go back, do they?
244
00:12:50,327 --> 00:12:52,761
- My birthday?
- Oh, darling
245
00:12:52,847 --> 00:12:53,962
(STATIC BUZZING)
246
00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:55,560
- Bloody hell!
- Sorry, Mum
247
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:59,879
For goodness sake, don't hug your
Uncle Vernon He's got a pacemaker
248
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,245
Hello
249
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:15,556
What are you crying for?
You're not paying for it
250
00:13:15,647 --> 00:13:18,798
Ben, I have occasional tables
that have more sentiment than you
251
00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:20,957
Why do they call them occasional tables?
252
00:13:21,047 --> 00:13:24,005
I wonder what they do
for the rest of the time?
253
00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:27,203
What a curious little world you inhabit
254
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:29,886
Hello, Shelly
255
00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:32,518
Where is this bride?
256
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:37,766
- She said she needed to clear her head
- Really? That won't take long
257
00:13:37,847 --> 00:13:39,838
Okay, in the meantime
258
00:13:40,527 --> 00:13:42,324
You fill in one number in that Sudoku,
259
00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:45,399
and I'm booking this church
for your funeral
260
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:49,804
I see, so neither of you are gay
261
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:51,839
That's right Yes
262
00:13:51,927 --> 00:13:55,966
I think, as heterosexual men
who aren't afraid of commitment,
263
00:13:56,047 --> 00:13:59,517
we were both just caught up
in the emotion of last night
264
00:13:59,607 --> 00:14:00,596
Oh
265
00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:04,639
Michael, are you okay?
266
00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:08,322
Yeah, well, I've just been puking
my guts up in the bog
267
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:13,763
Well, it certainly hasn't blunted your
silver-tongued charm with the ladies
268
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:17,162
Must have been something I ate
269
00:14:17,527 --> 00:14:19,165
I need some air
270
00:14:19,287 --> 00:14:22,882
Well, I don't see how that's possible,
I made him breakfast myself
271
00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:27,603
Nice hairdo, very Russell Brand
272
00:14:27,687 --> 00:14:30,247
It's the static It won't go down
273
00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:33,076
It's all I can do
to keep my arms by my side
274
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:34,441
(MOBILE RINGING)
275
00:14:34,527 --> 00:14:35,846
That's me
276
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:43,876
Oh, it's Steve Hi, baby How are you?
277
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,356
Yeah Yeah, it is bad connection
278
00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:50,720
Yeah, there must be static on the line
279
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:55,726
because it sounded to me like
you just said you were dumping me
280
00:14:57,887 --> 00:14:59,605
You are dumping me?
281
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:02,361
Hello?
282
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:09,123
Wouldn't it just be easier if you put
a message on your voice mail?
283
00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:11,801
"Hi, this is Janey
Press one if you want to dump me"
284
00:15:11,887 --> 00:15:13,161
Ow!
285
00:15:14,367 --> 00:15:16,119
Next time, you get a hug
286
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:24,524
Shh, please
287
00:15:25,287 --> 00:15:27,517
What's she doing, Ben?
I mean, where is she?
288
00:15:27,607 --> 00:15:30,075
- Calm down, Roger
- Abi! Abi!
289
00:15:30,167 --> 00:15:31,680
Roger, calm down
290
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:36,283
Roger! It's all right She's probably
got distracted by something shiny
291
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:45,919
(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN)
292
00:15:46,007 --> 00:15:49,636
No, no, no Tell her to stop Stop!
293
00:15:49,727 --> 00:15:52,321
Sorry Sorry Sorry about that Okay
294
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:55,721
Women Women, eh? Always late
295
00:15:56,807 --> 00:15:59,640
- You're the best man Go and find her
- Right, okay
296
00:15:59,727 --> 00:16:01,126
(EXCLAIMING)
297
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,117
Shelly, you do realise
I'm married to Ben?
298
00:16:07,207 --> 00:16:11,485
Of course I do, babes,
but you can't blame a girl for trying
299
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:18,476
- Where's Roger?
- He's gone outside looking for you
300
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:21,240
They're over there, look Cooee!
301
00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:26,640
(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN)
302
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,325
Well, why not?
303
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:59,240
I could give you several reasons
why not
304
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,155
I do
305
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:14,926
And do you,
Abigail Teresa Bernard Harper,
306
00:17:15,487 --> 00:17:19,844
take Roger Bailey
to be your lawful wedded husband,
307
00:17:19,927 --> 00:17:22,361
in sickness and in health,
308
00:17:24,007 --> 00:17:26,282
to love and to cherish,
309
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:30,758
from this day forward,
so long as you both shall live?
310
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:37,996
Abi?
311
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:40,636
No
312
00:17:41,247 --> 00:17:42,680
You what?
313
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:47,357
I'm sorry I've been having doubts
314
00:17:47,447 --> 00:17:50,757
and something Ben said last night
made it very clear
315
00:17:53,047 --> 00:17:55,117
I can't go through with it
316
00:17:57,087 --> 00:17:58,520
What?
317
00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:01,638
You'll have to ask Ben
318
00:18:02,407 --> 00:18:03,681
Ben knows all about it
319
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:06,156
(STAMMERING) I think she said Ken
She said Ken
320
00:18:06,247 --> 00:18:10,126
Yeah, yeah, she said Ken
I mean, I definitely heard Ken
321
00:18:10,207 --> 00:18:11,799
It was Ken, wasn't it?
322
00:18:11,887 --> 00:18:13,161
- No, it wasn't
- Okay
323
00:18:13,247 --> 00:18:14,965
I want to know
how someone as evil as you
324
00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:18,084
can come into a church
without turning to dust
325
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:21,162
Don't worry, Rog She'll get her back
She'll get her back
326
00:18:21,247 --> 00:18:25,001
And it's fine You know, you're
still young Plenty of fish in the sea
327
00:18:26,727 --> 00:18:29,844
All right, calm! Calm down, it's fine
It's fine Just over-excitement
328
00:18:29,927 --> 00:18:33,761
And I'll find his
Play music, music, anything
329
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,724
Just Sorry
330
00:18:36,127 --> 00:18:39,005
(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
331
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,485
Abi, what is this?
332
00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:50,199
I can't go through with it
I just can't
333
00:18:50,287 --> 00:18:51,686
But why?
334
00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:55,362
You and Roger are made for each other
He's a lovely man
335
00:18:56,287 --> 00:18:59,324
Exactly I'm not good enough for him
336
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,284
I'm just like my mum
337
00:19:03,007 --> 00:19:06,079
Oh, I'll be all right
for the first year, 18 months
338
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:10,046
Then my head will get turned
by some flashy used car dealer,
339
00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:12,925
and I'll be off
on the first yacht to Monte
340
00:19:13,007 --> 00:19:14,804
What?
341
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:17,640
We've always been flighty,
us Harper women
342
00:19:17,727 --> 00:19:20,525
Infidelity runs in the blood
343
00:19:20,607 --> 00:19:22,962
Roger deserves better than that
344
00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:27,120
Abi, it doesn't work like that
I'm nothing like my mother
345
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,358
She's an alcoholic control freak
who can't cook
346
00:19:31,207 --> 00:19:32,242
All I'm trying to say is
347
00:19:32,327 --> 00:19:35,160
just because your mother
is an amoral, philandering trollop
348
00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:36,839
doesn't mean that you are
349
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,680
- Do you really mean that?
- Of course I do
350
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,757
But what about what Ben said?
351
00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:44,838
What did Ben say?
352
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,561
About how marriage is like
being punched in the face
353
00:19:47,647 --> 00:19:49,842
for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson
354
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,566
Did he?
355
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:57,006
That's what marriage
is going to be like for Ben
356
00:19:57,087 --> 00:20:00,397
But it shouldn't be normally,
and it won't be for you and Roger
357
00:20:00,487 --> 00:20:02,284
(PANTING)
358
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,925
Everything all right?
359
00:20:04,007 --> 00:20:07,124
So, our marriage is
like a boxing match, is it?
360
00:20:07,287 --> 00:20:09,482
Ah, so Abi told you
about our little chat?
361
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,876
Good, good So we can move on
362
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:15,596
If by "move on" you mean I put
your conkers in a coffee grinder,
363
00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:19,600
- then, yes, we can move on
- Okay Good Fine
364
00:20:19,687 --> 00:20:23,441
So, I'll report back, shall I?
So how long shall I say?
365
00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,199
- Get out
- I'm getting out, getting out
366
00:20:25,287 --> 00:20:27,198
Doing as you say Thank you
367
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:33,196
Now, how could you ever think a man
like that could be right about anything?
368
00:20:33,287 --> 00:20:36,324
I know what you mean
He's an idiot, isn't he?
369
00:20:37,647 --> 00:20:40,480
Now, are you ready
to go out there again?
370
00:20:41,687 --> 00:20:44,599
Well, there's something else
371
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:46,040
What now?
372
00:20:46,607 --> 00:20:49,041
- There's another man
- What?
373
00:20:49,807 --> 00:20:52,879
(PLAYING HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH)
374
00:21:03,687 --> 00:21:05,962
Hello Good, good,
you're enjoying yourselves, great
375
00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:07,719
It's me again Um
376
00:21:08,607 --> 00:21:11,280
Right, just to keep you
in the picture
377
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:14,837
I can't quite get an angle
on this fellow Ken yet,
378
00:21:14,927 --> 00:21:16,679
but there may be
some developments quite soon
379
00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:19,725
So, in the meantime, just, you know,
relax, enjoy yourself
380
00:21:19,807 --> 00:21:22,367
And I've got a Sudoku,
so I'll be getting on with that
381
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,757
So, thank you for your patience
Sorry to keep you
382
00:21:27,047 --> 00:21:31,086
- I don't blame you, Ben
- No Thank you Yes, but it was Ken
383
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:35,557
I know Here, while there's
a lull in the proceedings,
384
00:21:35,647 --> 00:21:38,400
how about you and me sneaking into
that little Roller out there
385
00:21:38,487 --> 00:21:40,762
and checking out the suspension?
386
00:21:42,647 --> 00:21:43,841
Say what?
387
00:21:44,687 --> 00:21:47,201
Come on, it'll be a bit of a laugh
388
00:21:47,287 --> 00:21:50,165
Yes, it would
Well, call me old-fashioned
389
00:21:50,247 --> 00:21:52,556
but, you know,
your daughter's out there
390
00:21:52,647 --> 00:21:56,162
You know, shouldn't you be with her?
I mean, after all it is her wedding
391
00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:58,203
- Gather your nuts while you may
- Please
392
00:21:58,287 --> 00:21:59,436
(GROANING)
393
00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:12,681
What? It's my birthday
394
00:22:15,847 --> 00:22:18,122
Shame I haven't got my guitar
395
00:22:18,207 --> 00:22:21,438
He pawned it 'cause he hasn't got a job
396
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:25,001
- Michael's got a rash
- Alfie
397
00:22:26,407 --> 00:22:28,204
Can I have a word?
398
00:22:40,767 --> 00:22:43,565
Look, she clearly fancies me,
so just back off
399
00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:46,798
What do you mean fancies you?
It's me she's after
400
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,605
She was open-mouthed
when I was telling her
401
00:22:48,687 --> 00:22:51,838
about the recent advances
in animal husbandry
402
00:22:51,927 --> 00:22:55,602
Yes It was the longest yawn
I've ever seen
403
00:22:57,367 --> 00:23:00,882
Look, I've backed down
for you in the past
404
00:23:02,087 --> 00:23:03,964
Now it's your turn
to do a favour for me
405
00:23:04,647 --> 00:23:07,161
ALFIE: So that's why
you've dragged me in here
406
00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:11,525
MICHAEL: Yes It's the only place
we could do this Well?
407
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,236
ALFIE: But why should you always
be the one who ends on top?
408
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:19,366
MICHAEL: I don't Anyway,
we should be taking it in turns
409
00:23:24,527 --> 00:23:28,361
- Is it serious?
- Yeah, deadly
410
00:23:28,447 --> 00:23:32,042
- When was the last time you saw him?
- Friday night
411
00:23:32,127 --> 00:23:34,402
- Where was Roger?
- He was with me
412
00:23:34,487 --> 00:23:36,478
- What?
- I know
413
00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:39,202
I'm terrible, aren't I, Susan?
414
00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:42,636
Hang on
415
00:23:42,727 --> 00:23:47,164
Last Friday night we were all together
watching Pirates of the Caribbean.
416
00:23:49,047 --> 00:23:50,844
This man,
417
00:23:50,927 --> 00:23:52,883
it's not Johnny Depp, is it?
418
00:23:52,967 --> 00:23:56,801
How did you guess?
It was written all over my face
419
00:23:56,887 --> 00:23:58,843
Abi, there's nothing wrong
in fancying Johnny Depp
420
00:23:58,927 --> 00:24:01,885
- I fancy Johnny Depp
- Back off, he's mine
421
00:24:01,967 --> 00:24:06,483
No, Abi Everyone fancies Johnny Depp
Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp
422
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:10,885
A bit
423
00:24:11,447 --> 00:24:13,244
So, what are you saying?
424
00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:17,002
I'm saying you've just wasted
20 minutes of my life
425
00:24:17,087 --> 00:24:19,521
Now get out there and marry Roger
426
00:24:21,407 --> 00:24:24,717
It's all right Just relax, just relax
Just take a breath, come on
427
00:24:26,847 --> 00:24:28,360
Hi, Chloe
428
00:24:30,127 --> 00:24:33,085
Look, both of you, just come out
429
00:24:34,047 --> 00:24:35,719
- Come out?
- I'm not gay
430
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:37,286
Can't you see?
431
00:24:38,207 --> 00:24:40,323
You're made for each other
432
00:24:49,527 --> 00:24:52,200
If I wasn't the bride,
I'd knock your block off
433
00:24:52,287 --> 00:24:53,356
Why?
434
00:24:53,447 --> 00:24:54,766
- What did you say to Abi?
- I didn't
435
00:24:54,847 --> 00:24:57,122
- How did you turn her against me?
- Roger, I've told you once,
436
00:24:57,207 --> 00:25:00,597
I've told you twice, it was Ken!
All right? It was Ken Sorry
437
00:25:05,767 --> 00:25:09,237
(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
438
00:25:18,007 --> 00:25:19,406
(STATIC BUZZING)
439
00:25:19,487 --> 00:25:21,364
I caught the bouquet!
440
00:25:23,007 --> 00:25:26,124
♪ Happy birthday to me
441
00:25:26,207 --> 00:25:27,481
Janey! Janey!
442
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:28,886
♪ Happy birthday ♪
443
00:25:28,967 --> 00:25:30,525
Bloody hell!
444
00:25:31,767 --> 00:25:35,555
Okay Right, now, where were we?
445
00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:37,758
(MUTTERING)
446
00:25:41,847 --> 00:25:43,997
Abigail
447
00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:46,202
I do
448
00:25:46,687 --> 00:25:49,042
Right! Let's hit the bar!
449
00:25:49,127 --> 00:25:52,164
No, no, no Abi and Roger
have written their own vows
450
00:25:52,247 --> 00:25:53,726
Smashing
451
00:25:53,807 --> 00:25:55,763
- Roger, you wanted to go first
- Yes
452
00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:57,075
Yes
453
00:25:58,727 --> 00:26:01,321
(VOICE CRACKING) "Abi, my love for you
454
00:26:02,767 --> 00:26:05,565
"is like a Is a"
455
00:26:09,087 --> 00:26:10,884
Ben, you're going to have
to read this for me
456
00:26:10,967 --> 00:26:11,956
- What?
- Just read it
457
00:26:12,047 --> 00:26:13,799
But I think we're all done legally
aren't we, Vicar?
458
00:26:13,887 --> 00:26:15,718
- Ben
- I
459
00:26:17,727 --> 00:26:21,276
"Abi, my love for you
is like a raging fire
460
00:26:22,567 --> 00:26:25,320
"A fire that burns night and day,
461
00:26:25,407 --> 00:26:29,446
"not unlike the Great Fire of London
that began in Pudding Lane
462
00:26:29,527 --> 00:26:32,121
"when a baker left a candle burning"
463
00:26:32,207 --> 00:26:34,004
Aw
464
00:26:35,807 --> 00:26:36,796
(CLEARING THROAT)
465
00:26:36,887 --> 00:26:38,639
"The fire, of course,
led to the destruction
466
00:26:38,727 --> 00:26:42,117
"of the original St Paul's cathedral
467
00:26:42,207 --> 00:26:46,041
"making way for the new St Paul's
designed by
468
00:26:46,127 --> 00:26:48,687
- "Christopher Wren"
- Christopher Wren
469
00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:53,726
Ah, here we go "My love for you, Abi,
is like a volcano,
470
00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:58,605
"not unlike Krakatoa"
471
00:26:59,127 --> 00:27:03,803
Sorry A bit more about
the natives worshipping it as a god
472
00:27:04,527 --> 00:27:09,237
Blah, blah, blah, Abi
"Abi, you complete me"
473
00:27:13,647 --> 00:27:16,081
- Thank you
- It's all right
474
00:27:16,167 --> 00:27:18,078
Roger
475
00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:21,316
I think I better read Abi's vows
476
00:27:26,567 --> 00:27:29,206
"Roger, you're great"
477
00:27:31,727 --> 00:27:33,524
Oh, Abi!
478
00:27:33,607 --> 00:27:35,757
You may now kiss the bride
479
00:27:38,887 --> 00:27:40,605
ALL: Aw
480
00:27:44,927 --> 00:27:47,282
It won't last Never does
481
00:27:49,607 --> 00:27:52,167
(PLAYING RECESSIONAL MARCH ON ORGAN)
482
00:27:52,967 --> 00:27:55,561
Well, finally worked out quite well
483
00:27:56,687 --> 00:27:59,440
A successful Harper wedding, for once
484
00:27:59,807 --> 00:28:02,685
It was quite romantic there at the end,
wasn't it?
485
00:28:02,767 --> 00:28:04,723
It took me back to the two of us
486
00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:07,640
standing in front of the altar,
in front of the vicar,
487
00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:09,763
- exchanging vows
- Yes, without your mother's
488
00:28:09,847 --> 00:28:12,361
beady eyes in the back of my head
489
00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:16,880
So do you have any advice for Roger
and Abi in your best man speech?
490
00:28:16,967 --> 00:28:19,879
Yes I do, actually
I've got one or two sage words of wisdom
491
00:28:19,967 --> 00:28:22,527
about the rocky road of marriage
492
00:28:28,367 --> 00:28:29,686
I'll wing it
493
00:28:33,607 --> 00:28:35,882
You didn't really think
we'd forget your birthday, did you?
494
00:28:35,967 --> 00:28:39,596
What? Birth
It really is your birthday?
495
00:28:39,687 --> 00:28:41,962
Oh, Mum!
496
00:28:42,127 --> 00:28:44,357
Oh, it's lovely
497
00:28:45,327 --> 00:28:48,956
Sorry, darling, my heart
can't take any more shocks today
498
00:28:49,287 --> 00:28:51,755
- Dad?
- And I don't like hugging generally
37829
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