All language subtitles for My Family - S07E06 - One Of The Boys

Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie

stole a keg of beer
from the college bar?

And it exploded
in the back seat of the car?

- And right here
- You still have the scar?

Yes

No, you never told me

Oh, yeah Those were the best years
of my life

Before I met you, obviously

Ben, I know you're excited
Charlie's back from the States,

but can you make sure you're here
to say hello to Nerys?

Yep, yep, of course
Nerys? Nerys? Who's Nerys?

- Roger's mum
- Roger's got a mother?

I know It was a shock for me, too

I thought he was reared
by the Teletubbies

She's come all the way from Wales
just to meet Abi

What? Well, you know,
the word "anticlimax" springs to mind

Look, do I have to be here, darling?

I mean, you know,
I'll have to be polite and courteous,

and it's not really
playing to my strengths

- All I'm asking for is 20 minutes
- All right

Wow! You know,
I haven't seen Charlie for years

I just hope he remembers
our secret handshake

- You had a secret handshake?
- Yeah, and stop looking

(BEN LAUGHING)

Did I ever tell you
when me and Charlie went cow-tipping?

Cow-tipping? What's cow-tipping?

Cow asleep in field Push cow
Cow falls over Cow-tipping

- You mean, like fly-tipping?
- Yeah, right

- What?
- And the cow fell on you?

- Yep, and right here
- You still have the scar

Yeah

Mikey, did I ever tell you
when me and Charlie stole the statue

from the university fountain?

Yes

If you had friends, Michael,
you would understand

Mum, Dad, I've been offered
the deal of a lifetime

The answer is no

And if I refuse now, whatever it is,
it will cut out this pointless preamble

Did I ever tell you
when me and Charlie were

Yeah

Anyway, you know my friend Amanda
with the shop?

Well, she wants to sell me a share
in the property

while she's off travelling

- What kind of shop?
- Vintage clothing

Stuff from the '60s and '70s

Oh, you should look
in your father's wardrobe

- How much do you need?
- It's the big thing

- How much?
- Did I mention it'll sell itself?

- How much?
- Ten grand

(SNIGGERS)

I said we should cut out
this pointless preamble

Guys, I'm a reliable investment
You can trust me with your money

I'd sooner trust Nick Leeson
with my money

Mum?

I admire your enthusiasm, Janey,
but the answer is no

And I totally agree with your mother

(MUG SMASHING)

I knew you'd react like this,

so I've already fixed a meeting
with the bank on Wednesday

They'll give me the loan

I've got a business plan
that will knock them sideways

Good for you, darling

But you might want to take
a balaclava and a shotgun

Go, baby

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- Susan?
- Yes?

- It's me, Charlie
- Charlie?

Charlie

Charlie Charlie? Charlie Briggs Charlie?

Yes Susan, I haven't seen you
since the wedding

- You haven't changed a bit
- Ditto

You lookamazing

I'm sorry if I seem a little shocked
Ben hasn't mentioned anything to me

Well, that's because I haven't mentioned
anything to Ben in the e-mail

In fact, that's why I'm here
May I come in?

Oh, please do

- But Ben's at work
- I know, I saw him go

It's you I want to talk to

If Ben's the same chap I knew,

this is going to be
a bit of a shock to him

Trust me, he's the same chap

Go on, give us a twirl

Fantastic

So you do think
this is going to throw him?

Charlie, he gets thrown
when I buy him a new toothbrush

Susan, you know him better than anyone

I was hoping that you could help me
break this to him

It'll put him on edge
and make him really uncomfortable

- I understand
- No, I'd be delighted

Thanks, Susan

- Time for a coffee?
- Oh, yes

You know, Charlie,
I really admire what you've done

- You're very brave
- This is easy

You're married to Ben
Now that's real courage

Oh, yes, thank you

(LAUGHS)

Been practising my putting for weeks

Can't wait
to get on that course tomorrow

Charlie's in for a big surprise

Yes, well

Tell me a little more
about Charlie at university

We were inseparable

Yeah, whatever Charlie was into,
I was into

- People do change, Ben
- No, they don't Look at me

- Yes
- What?

Oh, Charlie won't have changed

- How can you be so sure?
- I know Charlie

Well, you know,
he might have a new bird by now,

you know, maybe a new sports car,

a little distinguished grey
around the temples

No, no, he'll be the same old Chazza!

Ben, I need to tell you
something really important

Susan, please, please
I'm just trying to concentrate, okay?

Okay? Big putt Big putt coming up
Big putt

- Ben
- Now, look You see?

- Now look what you've made me do
- Fine

She's late, Susan Mum's late

Roger, staring out of the window
for three hours

won't make her train get in any quicker

Can you change windows, please?
You're wearing a spot on the carpet

- Roger's a bit on edge, isn't he?
- We both are

I hope Nerys likes my cooking
I'm making hash

- Of course you are
- What if she doesn't like me?

Oh, she's bound to, Abi
Just be yourself

Only, not too much

She's here She's here
She's coming up the path

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Relax

(PANTING)

Mummy!

So how's my little shy hobbit?

Now it all makes sense

Mum, this is Susan
Susan, this is my mum, Nerys Bailey

Susan, it's a pleasure to meet the woman
that's kept my dashing Adonis

- on the straight and narrow
- Adonis? Oh, Roger

It's lovely to finally meet you, Nerys

Come and meet Abi

So where's the vision of beauty
that's captured my son's heart?

May I present Abigail Harper?

Wotcha

Oh, aren't you lovely?
Pretty as a picture with porcelain skin

Cheers

Oh, I hope everybody's hungry

I brought down
some of my famous braised lamb

Oh, thank you, Mum,
but we'll have to save it for tomorrow

- Abi has made you a welcoming meal
- Oh, how lovely And you cook, too

- Isn't my Roger the lucky boy?
- See, Abi, nothing to worry about

Mum, you're incorrigible

Right, drinks

I could certainly use one

Oh, I'll just put the lamb
in the fridge

I don't understand how
it could have got burnt like that

Don't worry about it, Abi
It could have happened to anyone

Not a word, Ben

Just as well you brought the lamb, Mum

You haven't lost the magic

You know, I had no idea food this good
could come out of that oven

Roger Bailey Jr,
what do I say about an empty plate?

Let's make these pieces a bit smaller,
shall we?

And I thought
my family was dysfunctional

Now, I was going to save this,
but I'm so excited

Roger, your father worked
his entire life and saved every penny

So as a wedding present to you both,
I am buying you a house

- A what, house?
- And a dental practice

Oh, Mum!

We were thinking more on the lines
of a sandwich-maker

I don't know what to say

- Mum
- Oh, please

Having you two as neighbours
is thanks enough

- Neighbours? In Wales?
- Of course

Well, there's a wedding present
we can all enjoy

Mum, you have to understand,

moving's such a big decision
It isn't just up to me

What do you think, Ben?

I'll help you pack

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That'll be Chazza

Just when you thought
the night couldn't get any better

Lock up your daughters,
the boys are back in town

Charlie!

- Hello
- Hello

- Ben
- Yes

Come in, come in

Sorry, I was just Who
Have we met?

Yes, think, Ben Way back

It's me, Charlie

- Charlie?
- Charlie

- Charlie
- Charlie

Well, technically it's Charlotte,
but you can stick to Charlie

(WHOOPING NERVOUSLY)

Wow!

That's amazing, actually
'Cause, you know

(STAMMERING) I'm just gonna

Wow! 'Cause I
I mean, you didn't Whoa! You look

- I'm
- You look

It's all right It's all right
I'm fine

I'm fine I'm fine

Have you all met my friend Charlie?

Why didn't you say Why didn't

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I was afraid you might pass out

- I'm glad I didn't disappoint you
- So now you do know, Ben,

- are you all right about all this?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine

Yeah, you know, I'm fine

I mean, come on, it's the 21 st century,
isn't it? You know, you've gotta

You know Yes Fine, I'm fine

Why did you do it?

I just was unhappy

Do you know what it's like to wake up
miserable every single day?

No, I don't, really

But Charlie, if you were that depressed,

why didn't you have a glass of Scotch
like the rest of us?

And that's why Ben's a dentist,
not a psychiatrist

Anyway, I'm happy now

Well, that's the point, isn't it?
I mean, you know, that's it

That's everything in life, isn't it?
I mean, happiness, that's

That's what it's all about
Good on you, mate Well done

- Now, you two have a lot to talk about
- Susan, Susan Please, Susan?

- Actually, Ben
- Yeah

I haven't told you my big news

This isn't it?

I'm getting married

- (STAMMERING) Well, that's nice
- And I'd like you to give me away

Well, it's a bit late now,
because most people seem to know

My father died last year, and I need
someone to walk me down the aisle

And I thought,
who better than my oldest friend?

Well, yeah, it would be an honour

- Oh, look, if you're uncomfortable
- No, it's just You know Please

It's coming a bit fast, so just

Look, you know what,
forget I said anything

- Don't worry about it
- Well, I

It just seems so weird
You know, I mean, you know,

me and Charlie used to hang out
in the students' union bar,

see bands, get drunk together

And you can't do that with a woman?

Yeah It's just not the same,
though, is it?

Why not?
I can get drunk with the best of them

You don't have to tell me
Three kids bear testament to that

Look, I know you're finding it tricky,

but you're just gonna have to
get your head around this

or risk losing a best friend

Who is, in fact, your only friend

Part of you is enjoying this

Look, all I'm trying to say is

if you go through life
with your head in the sand,

all people will see is an arse

Your mum doesn't like me

I don't like to say it
You know, I don't

But But I reckon she deliberately
mucked up my meal last night

(GASPS)

Blasphemy!

You You take that back

Well, you've gotta admit,
it's a bit funny

the way she started heating up her lamb
before my meal was even burnt

- Morning, Abi
- Morning

- Ready for off?
- Where are you going?

If you must know, Mum's going to
treat me to some new socks

And pants

Come on, Mum

Listen, I've prepared a presentation
and I am confident I can get it

Mum, I'm independent
I can do this on my own

Yeah, I just need the cab fare
and I'll be on my way

Michael, would you fetch my bag
from the living room, please?

Morning, Dad Wish me luck
I'm off to the bank

Just so you know, I found one
with a very low interest rate

Really? Can't be any lower than mine

Oh, God Not you, too, Mikey

- Well, it does feel good
- Yeah

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Michael, would you mind?

- A woman's work is never done
- Knock it off, Michael

- Well, good luck, darling
- I make my own luck

Yeah, and I'm gonna need another fiver

- Oh, love the suit
- Love the skirt

I do, too

Yeah, I do, too

- Good morning, Ben
- Hi, darling Charlie, come in

So, what are we doing today?

Um I don't know
Well, you know, you decide

I was thinking cappuccinos,
a little shopping,

a manicure, and a Brazilian wax

Super

- Kidding!
- Kidding She's kidding

Hey, good, Charlie

Can I just say I just love those
earrings? Where did you get them?

There's a little boutique
on the Portobello Road

Actually, they've got a sale on

We could go down there this morning,
if you like

No, no, no, I don't want to
spoil your time with Ben

No, no, no, no, go ahead Go, go, go

- Really? You don't mind?
- No

- We won't be long
- Those earrings won't buy themselves

- All right, darling, see you later
- Yeah, bye

(MUMBLING)

Hello, I don't think we've met

- I'm Charlie
- Hi

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

- Alfie
- Are you a musician?

I'm an acoustic freedom fighter

on a crusade to bring Celtic rock
to the ears of the masses

How's that going?

I'm saving up for a new plectrum
at the moment

Right, let's go

- See you again sometime, Alfie
- Oh, you will, it's destiny

You all right, Alfie?

I'm in love, Michael,
with the most beguiling creature

She isn't electronically tagged
like the last one, is she?

No, no, it's Charlie

I like older women They really
know their way around a man's body

Well, you picked
the right one there, then

I'm surprised
you could fit it in your mouth

(BOTH LAUGHING)

My God, how much have you spent?

I told you

Ben, I'm so sorry
We went shopping, had lunch,

and completely lost track of time

- Susan and I have so much in common
- Great

Come on, Charlie,
there's a bottle of white in the fridge

Great

Well, I'll

I'll just go down the pub

Nerys, are you going to join us
for a glass of wine?

Oh, it's a bit too early in the day
for me, thank you

Well, I just thought I'd offer

I'll just pop to the little girls' room

I hope she remembers
to put the seat down

- Preparing dinner Again?
- I like to do my bit, Susan

Maybe Abi could muck in

She was a bit upset about what happened
to her dinner last night

Well, the thing is, Roger's always
had a taste for my cooking

When they move to Wales,

Abi'll have to get used to me
rustling up a few treats for him

The house was
a very generous offer, Nerys,

but I'm not sure
they've made up their minds yet

I'll have a word with Roger
Make him see sense

Nerys, I know how hard it is
for us to let go of our kids,

to stop mollycoddling them,
to let them grow,

let them cut up their own food

Have you thought, perhaps your
lax attitude toward your children

has had the opposite effect?

No, my children are happy,
well-rounded, mature individuals,

able to stand on their own two feet

Janey!

The horrid man at the stupid bank
refused my loan

Now I've got nothing

Oh, dear

Yeah, they said something
about a farcical credit score

My Roger has
a spotless financial record

But then, I've always been there
for him

Right

- What are you doing?
- How much do you need?

- Still 10 grand
- It's yours

And I'll help you out in the shop
in any way you need

Oh, Mum Thanks

I think that shows the sort of
relationship I have with my children

You couldn't make it 12, could you?

Ten is fine

- Hi, Dad
- Yeah, hi

Can I borrow some shaving cream?

What for?

- Oh, forget it
- It's okay, it's okay

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on

When was the last time you and me
played golf together?

When I was nine You made me
carry your clubs in the pouring rain

Oh, yeah Good times, eh? Good times
We should do it again, you know

Thought you were gonna be
playing with Charlie

That's all changed now

That's all gone away

- But who cares, eh?
- Well, you do, for a start

Me? Nah

Dad, I've watched you
not care for years

Really stands out when you do

What do you know? You're only 16

- Eighteen
- Eighteen, yeah

Anyway, you're old enough
to buy your own shaving cream

- Hello, Susan Have you seen Mum?
- Oh, yes I've seen her

- Right, Roger Do you love Abi?
- Yes

Do you want to spend
the rest of your life with her?

Yes

Do you want you and your mother
to resemble a Krankies tribute act

- in 20 years' time?
- Yes

I mean, no, I don't think so

Right, then Sort it out with Abi
before you lose her

Point taken, Susan,
if somewhat harshly delivered

Listen, Abi,

Susan's told me a few home truths

- She's made me realise that I'm a fool
- I could have told you that much

I just don't want to lose you, Abi

You mean like that time at Alton Towers?

No

I just want us to be together Always

Oh, good 'Cause it was really scary,
Alton Towers

I was just nipping out
I wonder who'd like to escort me?

- Roger?
- Look, Mum,

- Abi and I are a bit busy at the moment
- Oh

Oh, that's a shame
I was thinking of getting ice creams

Ice creams?

- I've got jam doughnuts
- Jam doughnuts?

- Or we could go to the cinema
- Cinema?

We could go to my bedroom
and listen to Aled Jones

♪ I'm walking in the air ♪

I've got wine gums

(GRUNTS)

I've got

(WHISPERING)

Really? Before the wedding?

Sorry, Mum

So this is
how it's going to be in Wales, Roger?

Always putting me second?

Mum, I don't think
we'll be moving to Wales

Look, I'm too old to be ordered around

and read Lord of the Rings
bedtime stories

Even though you do do all the voices
with an unerring accuracy

Oh, you know how to cut me deep, Roger

I'm sorry, Mum,

but the time has come for me
to stand on my own two feet

and be my own man

I wasn't too harsh, was I?

You've all turned my son against me
He's just yelled at me

Well, you've had a good run

My kids were only six
when they started screaming at me

Oh, you're disgusting

You with that strange,
deviant friend of yours

What, Alfie?

That Charlie character

- What?
- Well, it's not normal, is it?

Normal? You're talking to me
about normal?

Buying pants for a man in his 30s
and that's normal?

And who buys your pants?

My wife, but that's not the point

What I'm trying to say is
you can't stand here in my living room

passing judgement on my best friend

Well, you should choose your friends
a bit more carefully, then

I actually choose my friends
very carefully

The only I regret is behaving like a
Well, like you Sorry, Roger

For your information, Charlie is
a considerate and loyal friend

And not only does she have
a killer pair of legs,

but she's the only woman I know
who knows the offside rule

To be honest, Nerys, you might learn
a lot about being a woman

from my friend Charlie

Actually, I'm a little hazy
on the offside rule

Attacker there, defender there,
ball played offside

But you can't be offside
in your own half

You know what?

I'm glad I'm a woman
Can we talk about something else?

Yeah, okay Yeah, I'm sorry

Listen, I was thinking about that offer
to give you away at your wedding

- Yes, about that
- I'd be honoured

Bit of a problem there
I've already asked Susan

Oh, right

Well, great

I can offer you maid of honour

It'll mean wearing
a peach organza dress

I'll take it

Right, well, I better go
You gonna be okay getting

Ben, I'll be fine

- I used to box the West London boys
- Box the West London boys

Yeah, no one's gonna
mess with you, Charlie

Now, you take care

Charlotte

Alone at last
I thought he'd never leave

- Cheers
- Cheers

- Tell me it's not true, Susan
- I'm afraid it is

- Oh, come on, Mikey!
- Sorry, Dad

The world is such an unjust place

Don't you think
you're overreacting slightly?

But they would have been happy in Wales

- Couldn't we still convince them?
- I'm afraid not

Roger told Nerys he loved Abi
and that they wanted to live down here

But they wanted to go yesterday
What changed their minds?

Search me

- Hello, dear
- I tried to pay your cheque in

They said as it was a joint account,
it needed two signatures

- Oh, really?
- Yours and Dad's

Oh, well, why don't you
ask your father now?

I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige

So near

So how was Charlie?

Well, that was a bit of a surprise