All language subtitles for My Family - S07E01 - The Ego Has Landed

You know, Ben,
we've been married a long time

Uh-oh

I personally think it's because
we know how to communicate,

- we're able to talk
- Mmm

Have a back and forth conversation,
a dialogue, if you will

Just get to it, Susan

We're having dinner
with the Mortons tonight

- No, we're not
- Yes, we are

- No, we're not
- Yes, we are

Sorry Excuse me for interrupting
But is this the dialogue bit?

You know, the bit
that kept our marriage alive?

They're a lovely young couple

You enjoyed talking to them
when we were on holiday in Corfu

Yeah, the three bottles
of wine didn't hurt

- It was four
- Ah

The point is they're good people
and they could become good friends

They're the worst kind of friends

They're the friends
that like to be around

and involved in your life

And the small talk
Please, so irritating

I told them we'd be
at the restaurant at eight

(GROANS)

They said they have a matter
to discuss with us

Look, I said I'm sorry

I thought we were all taking
our swimsuits off

You'd been in the pool for two hours,
Ben, and no one noticed

- Anyway, we're going
- No, we're not

- Yes, we are
- No, we're not

- Yes, we are
- We are Fine

Do you mind dropping me at the gallery
on your way to work?

Anything for you, darling

This time actually stopping the car
before I get out?

Look, I said I was late
for an appointment,

and I've already said I was sorry

Oh, that's what you shouted
as you drove away

- Hello, honey
- Oh, better not, Mum

Kenzo's given me his cold,
and I don't want to give it to you

Oh, I'm not afraid of that stuff
Come here

No reason not to show affection
to your children

God's precious gift, hmm?

You're not getting out of tonight

Come on, one more for luck

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- What about me?
- Sorry What about you what?

You do not show physical affection,
Michael You know the rules

- Yeah?
- Hello I was looking for Janey

Yeah, she's down there in the abyss

- Everything all right, Janey?
- Yeah Right I'm fine

Mum, Dad, this is Mark
He's a friend of mine

Hello, there I'm sorry to interrupt
and come round without calling,

- but I need to talk to you
- Fine, well, we'll get out of your way

Come on, Susan
We're going to be late again Come on

I don't want that, either, trust me
Well, it was nice meeting you

You look so familiar

- Have we met?
- No, I don't think so

BEN: Susan!

They have no clue who I am, do they?

No And what are you doing here?

Mind giving us some privacy?

Sorry Didn't think you had
the next bloke scheduled till 4:15

- So, how is Kenzo?
- He's fine

And your parents have no idea
I'm his father?

Hold on, now

Great! Michael, this is Mark,
the father of your nephew

Nice to finally meet you

Was it your idea to call him Kenzo?

Kenzo's father!

The eyes He has your eyes

Mum, this is Mark, and yes,
he is Kenzo's father

I knew it My God, I'm right!

My years of searching, and this is him

What the hell is going on?

What? I'm on the open road,
I'm about to open her up to 20

and then she opens the door
and jumps out, crying, "Kenzo's"

I see

Oh, it's you, is it?

I think we ought to have a little chat

Or Mark could just leave
and we all go on with our lives and

- No, let's chat
- No, let's chat Come here

Please, sit down

First of all, I must apologise

I'm sorry for just
coming round like this,

but there have been
recent events in my life

which have made me
seriously rethink some things

And, Janey, I know at the time
we had an agreement,

but now I want to be more involved
in Kenzo's life

I'm at a better place I'm ready

He just seems like such a lovely person

What did you do to screw it up?

What makes you think
it was me that screwed it up?

All right But you know
what I was like back then

You know, I was fickle, always looking
over my shoulder for the next bloke

- And now you're
- More mature

So what do I do? Do I let him see Kenzo?

It can't hurt Plus, it might be
a good idea to have a charming,

articulate man in Kenzo's life

Let's get this crappy dinner over with

Lord knows you didn't

Apple, don't leave Pooh Bear

- What's wrong, Abi?
- Ask Roger about him cheating on me

Roger!

I didn't know you had it in you

I don't Abi had a dream last night
that I cheated on her

and she's been in this mood all day

All right, Roger, calm down It'll pass

It may take a little longer with Abi,
but come on

All women are like this

The best bet, son,
just keep saying you're sorry

So, you're on the A25,

but if you get onto the B414
at junction six,

you'll miss that section
of the M25 completely

Another bottle of wine, please

You were about to tell us
about the lane closures on the M40

Please, let's save something
for dessert

Anyway, thanks for coming to dinner

We just wanted to let you know
what was going on in our lives

We've

We've had some difficulties

I thought so They want money

We've been trying to start a family

And it would seem we're not able

You are so lucky Cherish that gift

- No, no, we really want kids
- Of course you do

which is why we want Ben
to be our sperm donor

Of course, we realise
this is a big favour to ask,

and it would be a question
for both of you

Les and I talked about it, and

Well, that last dinner that we had,

we were so impressed by everything
Ben told us about himself

Am I the only one who remembers
the four bottles of wine?

We don't need it tonight

What?

- An answer
- An answer Mmm-hmm

Just look over the papers
We'd be the responsible parties

Will you think about it?

Sure

Thanks, you two,
so much for even considering this

It would be an honour

It

You going to do that all night?

- Aren't we going to talk about this?
- We? We?

With all due respect,
they were being nice

It's me they want

Don't flatter yourself
If we hadn't been on that holiday,

they would be asking
some hairdresser from Sidcup

You know what I think?

I think they saw me without my trunks

(GRUNTING)

So I have no say in this Fine

(GROANING)

You know what this is, don't you?

You think you're getting old and you're
not going to have any more children

I mean, most likely

And then there's me
producing in the range

of 300 million little Ben Harpers a day

Please, I want to be able
to sleep tonight

Come on, Susan Calm down

You're not any less of a woman
because you're finished having children

It's not the only thing
that defines you as a woman

Shut up, Ben

NARRATOR ON TV: The alpha male
dominates the weaker males

with a quiet confidence.

Oh, so he does You bet he does

The giant silverback has earned
his position in the group.

He's the biggest, strongest,
most virile male of the group.

Ha

What a boy

You know, Susan, I'm rather like
that silverback in the jungle

You're more like the baboon at the zoo
playing with his banana

What time is Kenzo's dad
supposed to bring him home?

Any minute now, I imagine
Yeah, why are they taking so long?

Perhaps you should be using this time
more valuably, Janey

People think I just sit around
doing nothing,

but that couldn't be
further from the truth

At the moment, for instance,

I'm in the process of conjugating
the French verb savoir.

Well, good luck with that

Oh, thank God

- Oh, it's just you
- Nice to see you, too

I thought it was Kenzo
coming back with his dad

Oh, yeah He seemed like a nice guy

Could you imagine having a father who's
interested in spending time with you?

Apparently, most of them do

I know, weird

And you're absolutely sure
you want to go through with this?

Susan, the alpha male has
a responsibility to the species

You know, to keep
the strong genetics going Okay?

I know the phrase "super-race"
may be unfashionable, but

- Oh, hello
- Good evening

Ben Ben Harper

Kent Hawthorne
Oh, my God, it's good to see you again

Kent Hawthorne

Yes, I started
a chain of these years ago

Ah, right Ah, yes
Sorry, this is my wife, Susan

Susan, I was at university with Kent

Nice to meet you Where did you end up?

Oh, dentistry Yeah
Very, very big practice, very big,

but, I mean, not as big as this,
but it's not bad at all

So, you two thinking about

God, no!

No, I'm just helping out a lovely
young couple who asked me to donate

Yeah Apparently,
they saw qualities in me

that they wanted to pass on
to the new generation

Modesty wasn't one of them

Well, then, let's get you taken care of

Make sure
that you get special treatment

- Pays to know the owner
- All right

We've got one more client tonight

- This is Mr Harper
- Hi

- Ben, do you have your paperwork?
- Yes Thanks, Kent, I appreciate this

Right, look, I need to get going
Ben, what you have to do is

He's familiar with the procedure

- Right Good night
- Bye

He should only be a minute

Why can't Abi just let it go?
It was just a dream!

But it's never just a dream,
is it, Roger?

There's always an underlying meaning

I once dreamt I saw three gleaming
dolphins jumping through hoops

while 30 nuns
wearing sunglasses looked on

- What did it mean?
- I don't know

But that day I'd been to Sea World and
there was a coachload of nuns there

- And the sunglasses?
- It was a very sunny day

Who knew?

(WHISPERING) Susan

It's all right It's fine, fine

Susan Susan!

- What?
- I need a ha

I need your help

No, no Hand me the magazine

(DOORBELL RINGING)

We went to the zoo

Oh Wow

- Sounds like you had a great day
- We did, and thank you

Look, I know it's a lot to ask,
but when can we see him again?

Oh, any time

- We?
- Linda and I

Linda, my wife She's just
finishing a call out in the car

Kenzo, why don't you go and run and play
with Alfie and Uncle Michael?

They're going to take you
into the kitchen

Right, Alfie and Uncle Michael?

Oh, right, the kitchen Let's go, Kenzo

Alfie, we're taking Kenzo
to get him some biscuits

Oh, right, sorry Biscuits

Janey, I told you about Linda
I wrote you a letter

We've been married for two years

Well, I didn't get it

And you didn't mention it
in the three hours we spent with Kenzo

Please, Janey, I'm so sorry I

Oh, hello
It's so nice to finally meet you

You've done a wonderful job
with your son

Yeah, well

Janey never got the letter
about us being married

Oh, no That's terrible

Don't mind us We're going upstairs
to play with my old trains

- Alfie finished all the biscuits
- Guilty as charged

Kenzo, come and say goodbye
to your dad and Linda

Bye, Dad Bye, new Mummy

- I'm sure he didn't mean that
- Oh Hell, no

New Mummy? New Mummy?

That's it?
I can be replaced just like that?

Do you want me to tell you
what you want to hear,

- or do you want the honest answer?
- What I want to hear, obviously

The honest answer is women are
replaceable at the drop of a hat

We push the babies out, we raise them
and then we're done

- We serve no other purpose
- Do you mind sewing a button on for me?

I take that back

I've a mind not to let Mark
see Kenzo any more

Now, wait a minute Wait a minute

You said this "new Mummy" thing
didn't come from either Mark or Linda

- So what?
- So?

- It's not really fair on Kenzo, is it?
- Yeah, but?

You have to put the best interests
of your child first

It's what mothers do

All right, most mothers

Mum, do you mind if Kenzo and I
stay here for a few nights?

You know, with everything
that's been going on,

- I haven't slept a wink
- Of course, darling

I haven't slept much, either

Your father's been doing push-ups
in the middle of the night,

rather than taking care
of the old female of the group

I, for one,
don't know what the big deal is

I think you're a wonderful,
capable mother

and you've got a lot to be proud of

And I'm really glad you're my daughter

Come on, come on
We don't want to be late Come on

All the men in the world,
and they want to breed from that?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, Mark Hi

Tomorrow? Oh, well

Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to work

Yeah Sorry, it's just
Kenzo's cold has come back a bit,

and he's a little under the

(IMITATING AEROPLANE)

weather Yeah

It'd probably be best
if he stays with me right now

Yeah Yeah, okay

- Who was that, Mummy?
- No one, sweetheart No one

Roger, can I talk to you?

Yes, my banoffee pie

- I had another dream
- Oh, no

This one's a little different
from the last one

It was still of a sexual nature,
but this time involving me

- Oh, Abi! Go on
- I'm going

I'm going to go now

The good Lord blessed me
with a very vivid imagination

Or should I say cursed?

No, no I'm pretty happy with it

- Well?
- Well, like you said, it's just a dream,

- so I don't want you to get upset
- I won't get upset

I slept with Orlando Bloom last night

Orlando Bloom? That's

- Oh, that's fine It was just a dream
- And anyway,

I'm sure that when we do finally
celebrate our love physically,

you'll be just as spectacular
as Orlando

Oh, yes

But just remember, you know,
it was just a dream,

and, you know, things can seem a lot

larger than life in dreams

Oh, Roger, I can't wait

So you have no idea what this is about?
He just said he wanted to see you?

Hmm

Thank you two for coming in

Given the delicate nature
of being a donor,

I wanted to talk to you in person

Look, Ben We evaluate a number of areas
when we examine a possible donor

There's a lot to consider,
such as reproductive viability,

- motility
- Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure,

but can we just
get to the point, please?

Your little swimmers
can't get the job done

(SNICKERING)

Sorry, what are you saying?

Well, they're just
sort of sitting there

I don't want to use the word lazy, but
I've never really seen anything like it

Um

there must be some kind of mistake

- No, I'm afraid not, no
- Susan, please, this is not funny

Oh, no! No, it's funny

Look, Ben,
I know this is hard to hear, but

This is ridiculous
I've got three children

- Right And how old's your youngest?
- 18

Well, at some point
in the past 18 years,

I'm afraid the workers
have left the factory

Please, Susan
This has got to be a mistake

Let me have another crack at it
Come on, give me a beaker

Look, knowing you, Ben,
I thought you might react like this,

so I've brought your actual
sample in for you to see

Look, this can't be right

There's no This can't

(SUSAN CONTINUES LAUGHING)

See, look there There's one moving
Use that one

- No, he stopped
- Please, I just have to see for myself

Nope Nothing

It's like they're just sitting,
watching television

Imagine that!

Look, I am sorry, Ben,
and as far as the Mortons are concerned,

I don't know
how you want me to handle that

- Would you like me to deliver
- It's okay I'll talk to them

I can handle it
I'm not completely useless

Come on, Susan, let's go

(GASPING)

- Oh, please, just one more look
- Come on now

Go on, go on I deserve it
Go on, get it out of your system

The point is, Ben, it shouldn't
make you feel any less of a man

because you've finished
producing children

That can't be the only thing
that defines you as a man

- I can take it
- You do have it coming, you know

I rang the Mortons I've arranged
dinner with them tomorrow night

Don't feel you have to be there

Oh, I'm going to be there
I wouldn't miss it for the world

- You're not going
- Yes, I am

- No, you're not
- I am

Haven't you gloated enough?

I think I can manage a little bit more

So, what are you going to tell them?

The truth

I'm going to get something to drink

Oh, no push-ups tonight?

(SUSAN GIGGLING)

What are you two doing up?
It's getting late

Oh, we were just having a little chat

- Kenzo's full of questions tonight
- Like?

When am I going to see Daddy again?

I thought that was going to be today

Well, it was supposed to be,
but I just thought it better to,

you know, wait and see with

Kenzo, you're a very lucky little boy

You have the best mother in the world
who will always do what's right for you,

even though it means
she's uncomfortable

All right, all right, he gets it

I just want him to be proud
of the decisions his mother makes him

Mum, really, enough

- Good night, sweetheart
- Night, Gran

And, Kenzo, I want you
to remember something

You only have one mummy,
and she's right here next to you

Did you hear that? One mum It's me

- I think he gets it
- One mum, Kenzo Me

- Janey, okay
- Just making sure he gets it

- Oh, it's you
- Hello, Mr Harper

Daddy!

- You two have a good time
- Thanks, we're just going for a pizza

- I'll have him back in an hour
- Okay

Bye, Mummy, I love you

Thank you

Okay, Susan, ready for dinner?

The question is
are you ready for dinner?

What? About to go
into a crowded restaurant

and tell two virtual strangers
I'm infertile? Can't wait

If you go from the A229
straight onto the M20

and then cut through on the B261
through Detling,

that misses out all the nonsense
on the A37

Well, it does

(CLEARING THROAT)

Right More wine, anyone?

- Thank you for inviting us to dinner
- Not at all, there's no problem

Have you been thinking
about our proposal?

Les and I were wondering
what you were going to say

- You're not the only ones
- Yeah

Let's just dive in, shall we?

Well, the truth is
The truth is that, um

Uh, what I'm trying to say

It's very, very difficult
for me to say this, but

What Ben is trying to say is

we have to decline
your very complimentary offer

But Ben and I talked about it,

and we decided, you know,
we have our children

And then, of course, you have to
understand the kind of father Ben is

He's so dedicated and attentive

I am? Both of those things

And I think we're both afraid
he might not be able

to emotionally separate himself
from one of his own offspring

Right Well, I can't say
we're not disappointed,

but I think we completely understand

Thank you, Les Well,
that's the way it goes sometimes

We just hope the father we do find
has all of Ben's wonderful qualities

I don't suppose there's anything we
could say to make you change your mind?

- No
- No

Tell me a bedtime story about
the times your daddy took you out

We don't have time
for a fairy story tonight

I wanted to get ice cream,
but Linda wouldn't let me

Why not?

She only eats healthy food,
that's what she said

Really?

You know, you were right

I did have a problem with the whole idea
of not having any more children

It really bothered me

But in the last few days,
I've come to realise something

What's that, darling?

I think the way I define myself
as a woman now

is all about helping my kids

And pulling your arse out of the fire

Here's your shirt, by the way

Good night

- Ben?
- Mmm?

What are you doing?

Well, Susan,

the factory may be closed,

but the equipment's still working