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1
00:00:07,927 --> 00:00:10,316
(Soft shuffling)
2
00:00:15,047 --> 00:00:17,277
Oh, hello.
3
00:00:17,327 --> 00:00:20,000
Night Of The Living Dead.
4
00:00:20,047 --> 00:00:24,165
He's sleepwalking again.
Don't wake him. The shock could kill him.
5
00:00:24,207 --> 00:00:27,005
Alfie! Wake up, for God's sake! Alfie!
6
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,239
Ooh.
7
00:00:31,287 --> 00:00:34,165
Billie Jean... Ooh!
8
00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:36,562
(Mutters)
9
00:00:36,607 --> 00:00:38,677
Aow!
10
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:41,958
He's obviously going
through a Michael Jackson phase.
11
00:00:42,007 --> 00:00:45,204
Follow him, Ben.
Make sure he doesn't hurt himself.
12
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:04,280
Remember, Michael, if the other boys
are too rough, you can come home.
13
00:02:04,327 --> 00:02:07,956
It's a Cadet Officer Training Force weekend.
It's supposed to be rough.
14
00:02:08,007 --> 00:02:10,157
I'm expected to survive by eating my own liver.
15
00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:13,199
- I thought you hated liver.
- He hates your liver.
16
00:02:14,287 --> 00:02:17,245
Don't worry about me, Mum. I live for the wild.
17
00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:19,118
Anyway, it's only for a weekend.
18
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:20,964
Oh, what a shame. Is it?
19
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:24,317
By the way, your camouflage isn't working.
I can still see you.
20
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:28,246
If we were in the jungle,
I could rip your heart out and show it to you.
21
00:02:28,287 --> 00:02:30,005
What heart?
22
00:02:30,047 --> 00:02:33,403
If he likes the weekend,
he'll be going off to join the Army.
23
00:02:33,447 --> 00:02:35,278
And you're the last one.
24
00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:37,363
Your problem is?
25
00:02:38,727 --> 00:02:40,957
You can leave some stuff here, Janey.
26
00:02:41,007 --> 00:02:44,158
No, Mum.
I want to get it all over to my flat.
27
00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:47,404
- So I never have to come back here.
- Works for me.
28
00:02:47,447 --> 00:02:49,438
You should streamline, Janey.
29
00:02:49,487 --> 00:02:52,843
I can fit everything I need
for one weekend in this bag.
30
00:02:52,887 --> 00:02:55,640
- What's in there?
- Compass, hunting knife...
31
00:02:55,687 --> 00:02:57,006
Dad's credit card.
32
00:02:58,207 --> 00:03:01,324
I've told you about stealing from my purse.
33
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,881
Right. I'm off.
34
00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:06,395
My babies are all going.
35
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,677
Susan, they're not your babies any more.
36
00:03:08,727 --> 00:03:11,560
They're just drains on our disposable income.
37
00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:13,404
I'll miss all this.
38
00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:17,122
I leave a callow youth
but I shall return a seasoned warrior.
39
00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:20,682
- Shall I record The OC for you?
- Yes, please.
40
00:03:20,727 --> 00:03:25,562
So Michael gets to kill without feeling
and we get the house to ourselves,
41
00:03:25,607 --> 00:03:27,802
so everybody's happy.
42
00:03:27,847 --> 00:03:30,122
Yes. Everybody's happy.
43
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:31,441
(Janey) Well...
44
00:03:31,487 --> 00:03:35,196
I've got another big lot of heavy stuff
to get down from the attic.
45
00:03:37,207 --> 00:03:39,516
Could do with a hand.
46
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:41,876
This paper's not gonna read itself.
47
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:47,441
Oh, Ben. They're all disappearing.
48
00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:48,840
Mmm.
49
00:03:48,887 --> 00:03:51,196
Even Alfie won't be here this weekend.
50
00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:53,363
Good.
51
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:55,398
Well, you've still got me.
52
00:03:55,447 --> 00:04:00,680
Oh, brilliant. There's a three-hour
documentary on World War II.
53
00:04:00,727 --> 00:04:03,195
I don't want to spoil the plot but we win.
54
00:04:04,887 --> 00:04:08,357
Oh, Abi. Say you're
going to be around this weekend.
55
00:04:08,407 --> 00:04:12,685
Sorry. I just got to Roger's house
and I remembered he was picking me up.
56
00:04:12,727 --> 00:04:15,560
Why do relationships
have to be so complicated?
57
00:04:15,607 --> 00:04:18,360
They just are, Abi. Get over it.
58
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:21,365
What a loss
to the Samaritans you are, Ben.
59
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,320
So you're staying the night at Roger's? Good.
60
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:27,597
The big night has finally arrived, has it?
61
00:04:27,647 --> 00:04:30,923
Not half! We're having
a Lord Of The Rings sleepover.
62
00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:34,926
Roger's got the box set of the trilogy.
We're going to watch all four.
63
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:37,276
- Right.
- That'll be nice.
64
00:04:37,327 --> 00:04:39,887
So that's all Roger's planning to do?
65
00:04:39,927 --> 00:04:41,565
Yes.
66
00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:45,646
Unless you can think of something more fun
that two adults can do together.
67
00:04:46,847 --> 00:04:51,363
Doesn't Roger ever want to do anything
else except watch films about elves?
68
00:04:51,407 --> 00:04:53,967
No. No, he doesn't.
69
00:04:55,447 --> 00:04:58,564
- Hang on. You don't think Roger's?
- Gay?
70
00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:00,598
I was going to say "an elf".
71
00:05:01,607 --> 00:05:04,644
- Why'd you say "gay"?
- Yes, Ben. Why did you say that?
72
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:09,124
I... I meant happy, as in gay-happy.
Gay-happy, you know.
73
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:12,364
Why do people change words?
It's political correctness gone mad.
74
00:05:12,407 --> 00:05:15,717
Hello! Hope you don't mind me
coming round the back.
75
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:17,758
- I'm saying nothing.
- Susan.
76
00:05:19,047 --> 00:05:23,757
Hello, Ben. You're looking trim.
Have you been working out?
77
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:27,959
- I'm ready, Roger.
- And you look wonderful, Abi.
78
00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:32,159
Thank you, Roger. That's a lovely thing to say.
79
00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:35,316
- Is this chenille?
- Let's go.
80
00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:43,166
It's so tough letting go, Ben.
81
00:05:43,207 --> 00:05:45,675
Yeah. It's been pretty tough hanging on.
82
00:05:45,727 --> 00:05:50,676
Suddenly the house seems so big...
so empty.
83
00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:53,116
No more mouths to feed.
84
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,522
No one to talk to.
85
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:57,956
Come on, darling. I'm still here.
86
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,958
And we talk all the time.
87
00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:05,845
You're right. Let's talk now.
88
00:06:08,007 --> 00:06:09,326
Now?
89
00:06:10,327 --> 00:06:11,885
OK. Um...
90
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,076
- I'm not in the mood, Ben.
- OK.
91
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:19,685
- Talk.
- Talk.
92
00:06:28,727 --> 00:06:31,321
Let's face it, Ben.
This isn't going to work.
93
00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:36,161
Hey, don't give up so soon.
We'll find something to talk about.
94
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:40,644
I mean, there's always...
95
00:06:40,687 --> 00:06:42,598
a stray dog.
96
00:06:42,647 --> 00:06:46,003
- Oh, stray dog.
- How the hell did that get in here?
97
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:48,925
Hello. Who's a lovely boy?
98
00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:52,642
Come on, out you go. Come on.
Go next door. They've got cable.
99
00:06:52,687 --> 00:06:55,804
We can't throw him out, Ben.
He hasn't even got a collar.
100
00:06:55,847 --> 00:06:58,600
He's a stray. There is no dress code.
101
00:06:58,647 --> 00:07:02,925
Yes, you're a lovely boy.
Yes, yes, you are. Are you hungry?
102
00:07:02,967 --> 00:07:07,677
Oh, I bet you are.
Why don't I give you some lovely goulash?
103
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:09,638
- Come on.
- Good idea, Susan.
104
00:07:09,687 --> 00:07:11,678
That'll get rid of him.
105
00:07:11,727 --> 00:07:14,525
Oh, so now you're in the mood.
106
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:17,718
Ooh. You really are in the mood.
107
00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:23,920
Mmm...
108
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,197
Oh, my God. My God...
109
00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:35,445
You breathe a word of this to anyone
and I'll deny it.
110
00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:43,446
Morning, my Precious-s-s.
111
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:46,517
Morning, Legoland.
112
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,400
Lego-las. Legolas.
113
00:07:51,607 --> 00:07:55,759
Oh, Roger. You've got a mime
for every character.
114
00:07:55,807 --> 00:08:00,358
Play your cards right
and I'll do my "Gimli, son of Gloin" later.
115
00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:06,959
I can't wait for the next leg of our marathon.
116
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:11,842
Whoa, whoa! First, I'm going
to whip you up a smashing breakfast.
117
00:08:11,887 --> 00:08:13,559
Eggs Roger.
118
00:08:13,607 --> 00:08:18,078
It's like Eggs Benedict but instead
of using spinach, I use creamed leeks
119
00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:20,482
with just a soupcon of cinnamon.
120
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:22,518
Haven't you got any Frosties?
121
00:08:23,527 --> 00:08:26,599
Would Audrey Hepburn
have Frosties at Tiffany's?
122
00:08:26,647 --> 00:08:28,444
I don't think so, Abi.
123
00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:43,403
Alien, Aliens, Goodfellas. Hm!
124
00:08:43,447 --> 00:08:45,677
Gay? As if, Ben.
125
00:08:46,687 --> 00:08:50,521
Gone With The Wind...
Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert...
126
00:08:51,527 --> 00:08:53,802
The Sound Of Music!
127
00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:56,441
Mocha-chocaccino or chai tea latte?
128
00:08:58,007 --> 00:08:59,998
This can go...
129
00:09:00,047 --> 00:09:03,756
This is hideous.
What on earth made me buy this?
130
00:09:03,807 --> 00:09:06,844
- You didn't, I did.
- Makes sense.
131
00:09:06,887 --> 00:09:08,605
Ugh...
132
00:09:08,647 --> 00:09:11,605
Janey, Janey, no, no.
What are you doing?
133
00:09:11,647 --> 00:09:14,036
- What?
- That's Mr Tibbs.
134
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,965
Mr Tibbs has been in our family for decades.
135
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:20,044
Grandpa gave you this
when you were four and had chickenpox.
136
00:09:20,087 --> 00:09:22,078
Yeah, but he's so old and manky.
137
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:26,917
You shouldn't throw things out
just because they're old. Look at your father.
138
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,958
If you don't want him, I'll have him.
139
00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:31,202
- Dad?
- The bear.
140
00:09:33,327 --> 00:09:35,158
Where did that dog come from?
141
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:37,118
(Ben) The bowels of hell.
142
00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:42,046
Thankfully, he's not staying.
Your mother's been in touch with the police.
143
00:09:42,087 --> 00:09:46,285
- Haven't you, darling?
- I've just got to go and get dressed.
144
00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:48,045
I'm taking Ben for a walk.
145
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:50,555
Ben? When did you start calling him Ben?
146
00:09:50,607 --> 00:09:53,724
When he started scratching himself
inappropriately.
147
00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:57,082
Sit!
148
00:10:01,847 --> 00:10:04,441
What are we going to call you?
149
00:10:04,487 --> 00:10:08,400
I can't keep calling you Ben.
Too many negative connotations.
150
00:10:09,407 --> 00:10:12,558
- What can we call you?
- In Korea they'd call him dinner.
151
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:15,564
Thank you for that, Ben.
152
00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:23,843
- Hello, everyone.
- Alfie. What happened to you?
153
00:10:25,287 --> 00:10:28,563
I was beaten up by Liam Gallagher...
154
00:10:29,527 --> 00:10:32,564
and Liam Gallagher... and Liam Gallagher...
155
00:10:32,607 --> 00:10:34,643
He's concussed.
156
00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:39,158
I was in town auditioning
for an Oasis tribute band.
157
00:10:39,207 --> 00:10:42,404
I was queuing up with
some other potential Liam Gallaghers
158
00:10:42,447 --> 00:10:44,438
when a fist fight broke out.
159
00:10:44,487 --> 00:10:48,685
- So you didn't even audition?
- Turns out that was the audition.
160
00:10:48,727 --> 00:10:50,922
Oh, you've got a dog.
161
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:54,277
He wandered in from the street
and now we can't get rid of him.
162
00:10:54,327 --> 00:10:57,478
- Ring any bells, Alfie?
- What's that?
163
00:10:59,287 --> 00:11:02,404
- He wants you to take him for a walk.
- How do you know that?
164
00:11:02,447 --> 00:11:05,086
- I'm a bit of a dog whisperer.
- Oh, get off.
165
00:11:05,127 --> 00:11:09,598
- I'll take him for a walk.
- No, no. He wants Mr Harper.
166
00:11:09,647 --> 00:11:13,401
Get out. I've got a date
with a thin-crust Hawaiian pizza.
167
00:11:13,447 --> 00:11:17,599
I thought that at first, but he grows on you.
168
00:11:24,807 --> 00:11:27,037
Susan! Susan!
169
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:31,046
- What's the problem?
- Your dog has taken my pizza.
170
00:11:32,287 --> 00:11:34,960
- Out of the oven?
- Obviously.
171
00:11:35,007 --> 00:11:39,125
He can't open the oven door.
He's a dog, not Ainsley Harriott.
172
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:41,203
If he didn't take it, who did?
173
00:11:41,247 --> 00:11:44,717
Actually, on the farm, we had a dog
who could drive the tractor.
174
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,758
Well, it looked liked he could.
175
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,685
Turned out the accelerator was just sticking.
176
00:11:49,727 --> 00:11:53,720
Ended up demolishing the only existing
Norman church in Betws-y-Coed.
177
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:56,281
It was really, really funny.
178
00:11:58,327 --> 00:12:01,000
I'm sorry.
Can we please focus on my pizza?
179
00:12:01,047 --> 00:12:03,766
What's that, little fella?
180
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:06,924
He says he hasn't had your pizza, Mr Harper.
181
00:12:06,967 --> 00:12:09,435
He doesn't even like pineapple.
182
00:12:09,487 --> 00:12:11,000
And I believe him.
183
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:13,481
That wouldn't stand up in a court of law.
184
00:12:13,527 --> 00:12:15,961
You... Right... I'm off to the pub.
185
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:19,079
Could you drop off Janey's stuff
at the charity shop?
186
00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:23,120
What a rich tapestry my life has become.
187
00:12:27,487 --> 00:12:30,718
Michael, you know I'm lactose intolerant.
188
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:34,760
Don't worry, Hubert. Next recce 1900.
189
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:36,798
I saw some tofu in the fridge.
190
00:12:39,607 --> 00:12:42,565
How about I put some music on?
191
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:45,724
Let me guess. Will Young?
192
00:12:46,927 --> 00:12:48,804
Why would I put on Will?
193
00:12:50,087 --> 00:12:53,204
Abigail Harper, you don't think I'm?
194
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,996
...a fan of Pop Idol?
195
00:12:57,047 --> 00:12:59,481
Then what are you going to put on?
196
00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:02,041
Bronski Beat? Kylie?
197
00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:04,078
Kylie? What are you talking about?
198
00:13:05,407 --> 00:13:08,797
Oh... my... God. Abi...
199
00:13:09,807 --> 00:13:11,479
You think I'm gay?
200
00:13:11,527 --> 00:13:14,485
I'm sorry, Roger. Forget I said anything.
201
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,997
How can I forget it?
The genie is out of the bottle.
202
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,804
Roger, where are you going?
203
00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:24,203
Mykonos. Isn't that where we all go?
204
00:13:26,007 --> 00:13:29,761
Ah, what's the time?
Oh, yes. It's beer o'clock.
205
00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:38,082
What the?! That bloody dog!
206
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:42,959
I want to talk to you.
If you talk to Alfie, you can talk to me.
207
00:13:43,007 --> 00:13:44,963
Have you had my beer?
Let me smell your breath.
208
00:13:45,007 --> 00:13:49,444
I won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Come on. Where do you live?
209
00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:51,443
He says he's already told you.
210
00:13:51,487 --> 00:13:53,955
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to him.
211
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:58,000
- What did you say?
- He says he's not repeating himself.
212
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:01,198
- You tell me then.
- I wasn't here, was I?
213
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:05,201
- Have you seen Mr Tibbs?
- What?
214
00:14:05,247 --> 00:14:08,125
The teddy bear.
I was going to give him to Kenzo.
215
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,601
- He says he took it.
- What?
216
00:14:10,647 --> 00:14:14,606
Oh, that. The little teddy.
I gave it to the charity shop like you told me.
217
00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:17,639
- You gave Mr Tibbs to the charity shop?
- I gave Mr...
218
00:14:17,687 --> 00:14:19,996
Why does no one understand me today?
219
00:14:20,047 --> 00:14:22,766
Mr Tibbs has been in our family
since our grandfather's time.
220
00:14:22,807 --> 00:14:24,559
Isn't it time someone else had a go?
221
00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:27,201
I don't expect you to appreciate
the sentimental value.
222
00:14:27,247 --> 00:14:30,080
I know that part of your brain has atrophied.
223
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:34,917
But that bear was an original Von Kernig,
worth hundreds of pounds.
224
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:38,642
But... What like... like 200?
225
00:14:38,687 --> 00:14:40,837
He says more.
226
00:14:42,207 --> 00:14:44,880
I'll get my coat.
227
00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:52,766
Oh!
228
00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:55,924
One word, Janey,
and I'll snap your neck like a twig.
229
00:14:57,047 --> 00:14:59,117
Could you open this for me, please?
230
00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:05,201
Well, if it isn't GI Jane!
231
00:15:05,247 --> 00:15:07,283
What? What are you doing here?
232
00:15:07,327 --> 00:15:10,842
Classified information, Janey.
If I told you, I'd have to k... Ah!
233
00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:15,722
Ow! OK. My unit's skiving off our
survival mission and hiding in the loft.
234
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,600
- Please don't tell Mum.
- Why didn't you just say so?
235
00:15:18,647 --> 00:15:21,207
Like I care about
your juvenile army games.
236
00:15:21,247 --> 00:15:23,556
Thanks, Janey. Shh.
237
00:15:34,807 --> 00:15:36,604
Hello, boys.
238
00:15:43,727 --> 00:15:46,685
Oh, Roger.
You didn't go to Mykonos then.
239
00:15:46,727 --> 00:15:48,843
With my colouring? Are you mad?
240
00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:50,878
I'm so glad you've come back.
241
00:15:50,927 --> 00:15:54,044
I was worried sick
since you flounced out in that hissy fit.
242
00:15:55,327 --> 00:15:59,240
- You should be wearing a coat.
- Men like me don't need to wear coats.
243
00:16:00,247 --> 00:16:04,160
- You're frozen.
- Yes. I'll stand by the radiator.
244
00:16:04,207 --> 00:16:06,801
Roger, I'm really sorry about what I said.
245
00:16:06,847 --> 00:16:10,886
You'll always be my friend
and I don't care if you're gay or not.
246
00:16:10,927 --> 00:16:12,804
- I'm not.
- Thank God for that.
247
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:18,479
Listen, Abi... While I was out walking,
I came to a momentous decision.
248
00:16:18,527 --> 00:16:20,119
Oh, yeah?
249
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:23,159
Something that might change our lives forever.
250
00:16:24,167 --> 00:16:26,476
What's that?
251
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,121
Sometime tonight, I'm going to...
252
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,398
I am going to...
253
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,316
- I'm going to...
- Spit it out, Roger!
254
00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,485
I'm going to kiss you.
255
00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:42,955
Ooh. That'd be nice.
256
00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:48,081
It's going to be warm and wonderful
and tender and spontaneous.
257
00:16:48,127 --> 00:16:50,004
Really? When's that gonna be?
258
00:16:50,047 --> 00:16:53,244
If I tell you,
it'll rather spoil the spontaneity.
259
00:16:53,287 --> 00:16:54,845
I suppose.
260
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:59,126
Not now. I haven't warmed up yet.
261
00:17:08,247 --> 00:17:12,525
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
We've just closed and I've cashed up.
262
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:15,127
It's OK. You don't have to open the till.
263
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,601
I came to rectify
a mistake I made earlier.
264
00:17:17,647 --> 00:17:20,320
- Oh, yes?
- Yes. I came by this afternoon
265
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:23,598
with a box of my little girl's bits and pieces.
266
00:17:23,647 --> 00:17:27,401
And a teddy bear, Mr Tibbs,
fell in accidentally, by mistake.
267
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,564
Och, yes. I remember.
Bedraggled wee animal.
268
00:17:30,607 --> 00:17:33,121
More thready-bare than teddy bear.
269
00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:37,363
- Would this be yours?
- Lovely.
270
00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:40,046
Oh, yeah. Great. She'll be so relieved.
271
00:17:40,087 --> 00:17:43,079
She was inconsolable
when she found it was missing.
272
00:17:43,127 --> 00:17:46,563
Floods of tears.
You know what six-year-olds are like.
273
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:49,804
Would this be hers too?
274
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,997
They grow up so quickly, don't they?
275
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,805
So where's Mr Tibbs?
276
00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:59,645
I have him safe and sound right here.
277
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:03,043
- Yes. That's it. Thank you.
- How much are you going to pay?
278
00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:07,323
Pay? Oh, yes. Right.
Oh, a donation. Of course. Yes.
279
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:10,006
Um... What do you want? Five?
280
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:12,521
Ten?
281
00:18:13,887 --> 00:18:16,082
Five?
282
00:18:16,127 --> 00:18:17,958
How about 300?
283
00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:20,360
300 quid?
284
00:18:20,407 --> 00:18:23,080
- It's a moth-eaten old thready-bare.
- 350.
285
00:18:23,127 --> 00:18:25,960
It's only the decades of dried drool
holding it together.
286
00:18:26,007 --> 00:18:28,840
Don't play games with me, sunshine.
It's a Von Kernig.
287
00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:31,003
We all watch Antiques Roadshow.
288
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:36,042
- I'm speechless.
- And I'm closing.
289
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:38,726
- Do you want him or not?
- I...
290
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,884
Susan! Susan! Do you know
how much this piece of tat?
291
00:18:59,887 --> 00:19:01,878
Oh, hello. Oh, yes.
292
00:19:01,927 --> 00:19:05,761
Of course you know how much
an original Von Kernig is, don't you?
293
00:19:05,807 --> 00:19:07,320
You told me.
294
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:11,838
Are you comfortable in your new basket?
Good. Plenty of blankets?
295
00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:14,355
Good. Food and water? Fine.
296
00:19:14,407 --> 00:19:17,922
What sort of newspaper
would you like in the morning?
297
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:21,039
I've seen popes living in worse conditions.
298
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:26,200
Oh, but you must have been so frightened.
299
00:19:26,247 --> 00:19:28,203
Just here on your own.
300
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:31,364
Yes, you were
because look what you've done.
301
00:19:31,407 --> 00:19:33,682
Oh, you naughty little boy.
302
00:19:33,727 --> 00:19:35,922
You've had a little accident on the floor.
303
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:40,085
What's Susan going to say?
I'm sure she'll clear it up.
304
00:19:40,127 --> 00:19:41,606
She won't mind.
305
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,036
But look at this... Dear, oh dear.
306
00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:46,840
You've been scratching the table leg.
307
00:19:46,887 --> 00:19:50,357
She's not going to like that very much,
is she? No.
308
00:19:50,407 --> 00:19:54,002
You have been a naughty dog,
haven't you? Look at this.
309
00:19:54,047 --> 00:19:58,882
What's she going to say when she finds
you've been chewing her slipper?
310
00:19:58,927 --> 00:20:00,565
Grrr-rr!
311
00:20:00,607 --> 00:20:04,156
Eh? She's gonna go off her bloody trolley.
312
00:20:07,647 --> 00:20:09,558
You know these are her favourites?
313
00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:12,485
She's not going to be very pleased with you.
314
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:19,164
- It was the dog!
- Why is my slipper in the blender?
315
00:20:19,207 --> 00:20:22,756
- It wasn't me. I was taking it out.
- You were trying to frame the dog.
316
00:20:23,647 --> 00:20:25,797
You're an insecure, jealous man.
317
00:20:25,847 --> 00:20:27,519
I got the teddy bear.
318
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:31,640
Well done. Maybe we can sell it
to pay for your psychiatric bills.
319
00:20:31,687 --> 00:20:33,086
(Doorbell)
320
00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:37,120
You get that. Before you try to implicate
the dog in the Kennedy assassination.
321
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:55,237
- Yes?
- Mr Harper.
322
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:57,243
- So am I.
- What?
323
00:20:57,287 --> 00:21:01,075
- What do you want?
- Sorry to intrude upon your evening
324
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,163
but one of my grunts is missing.
325
00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:06,483
- Try a high-fibre diet.
- Are you trying to confuse me, sir?
326
00:21:06,527 --> 00:21:07,801
Yes.
327
00:21:09,127 --> 00:21:10,606
Is it working?
328
00:21:10,647 --> 00:21:12,239
- Somewhat.
- Good.
329
00:21:12,287 --> 00:21:14,881
What was I saying? I've lost my thread.
330
00:21:14,927 --> 00:21:18,556
- Who's this?
- Staff Sergeant Wragg, ma'am.
331
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:20,404
Military Police.
332
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:24,281
I'm looking for 384 Officer Cadet Harper.
333
00:21:24,327 --> 00:21:27,922
- But surely he's with you?
- No. Sadly not, ma'am.
334
00:21:27,967 --> 00:21:30,356
Him and his unit are on an initiative test
335
00:21:30,407 --> 00:21:33,956
requiring them to remain undetected
for six hours.
336
00:21:34,007 --> 00:21:36,475
- How long's he been away?
- 18 hours.
337
00:21:36,527 --> 00:21:39,280
That's three times more initiative
than required.
338
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:41,124
The Army doesn't work like that.
339
00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:44,284
Too much initiative
is a short cut to chaos.
340
00:21:44,327 --> 00:21:47,080
His unit will be facing charges
when I find them.
341
00:21:47,127 --> 00:21:50,836
- If you find them.
- Ah, it's not a question of "if", madam.
342
00:21:50,887 --> 00:21:53,276
I have a sixth sense about these things.
343
00:21:53,327 --> 00:21:57,206
(Sniffing) I can smell a soldier's sweat
a mile off.
344
00:21:57,247 --> 00:22:00,842
Your missing unit definitely isn't here,
Sergeant. We'd know.
345
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:03,640
Well... I'd better report back to base.
346
00:22:03,687 --> 00:22:06,724
No... Wait, Sergeant. Have you seen...
347
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:08,644
The Radio Times?
348
00:22:08,687 --> 00:22:11,076
It has full listings of all the programmes.
349
00:22:11,127 --> 00:22:13,960
I am familiar with The Radio Times, madam.
350
00:22:14,007 --> 00:22:17,682
Look. Holidays In Bali.
Have you seen Balinese dancers?
351
00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:19,957
Ching-ching, ching-ching.
352
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:22,726
Very good. Ching-ching.
353
00:22:22,767 --> 00:22:26,362
Oh, and do you think
this is a Balinese candle?
354
00:22:26,407 --> 00:22:29,160
I am a military... Oh.
355
00:22:29,207 --> 00:22:31,277
Is that jasmine, ma'am?
356
00:22:31,327 --> 00:22:35,036
Would there be a reward for
information leading to their capture?
357
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:39,285
- I wouldn't think so, sir.
- Shame. It'd be nice to grass them up.
358
00:22:41,767 --> 00:22:44,235
If we hear anything, we'll let you know.
359
00:22:44,287 --> 00:22:46,278
OK. At ease. Left foot forward.
360
00:22:48,287 --> 00:22:50,084
(Both) Michael!
361
00:22:50,967 --> 00:22:55,961
What? They expected us to remain
undetected in a freezing, wet ditch.
362
00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:59,602
I thought it made more sense
to hide in the loft and charge them rent.
363
00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:03,435
- That's real initiative.
- Sod the initiative. Where's my beers?
364
00:23:03,487 --> 00:23:05,637
Mr Harper, Mrs Harper, come quick.
365
00:23:05,687 --> 00:23:08,724
It's the dog. He's not looking too clever.
366
00:23:11,967 --> 00:23:14,640
I lost my favourite pig on a night like this.
367
00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:18,440
I was so sad, I cried for three days.
368
00:23:19,447 --> 00:23:21,563
Shut up. You're really cheering me up.
369
00:23:21,607 --> 00:23:24,280
On the up side, she was delicious.
370
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:28,126
- Alfie, please.
- Sorry.
371
00:23:29,527 --> 00:23:31,802
I wonder if they have a chapel.
372
00:23:31,847 --> 00:23:34,236
Or a snack bar.
373
00:23:37,127 --> 00:23:39,687
- OK then, Abi.
- OK, Roger.
374
00:23:39,727 --> 00:23:41,718
We'll do it on the count of three.
375
00:23:43,407 --> 00:23:45,204
One...
376
00:23:46,847 --> 00:23:48,360
Two...
377
00:23:50,207 --> 00:23:51,606
Thr...
378
00:23:52,687 --> 00:23:56,123
Is that on three or... or after three?
379
00:23:57,367 --> 00:23:59,403
Which would you prefer?
380
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:01,438
On three.
381
00:24:03,127 --> 00:24:04,799
- Thr...
- No.
382
00:24:04,847 --> 00:24:06,758
After three.
383
00:24:06,807 --> 00:24:10,083
- Are you sure?
- Sure. If you are?
384
00:24:11,087 --> 00:24:12,884
I think so.
385
00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:15,878
After you then, Abi.
386
00:24:17,527 --> 00:24:19,040
One...
387
00:24:20,327 --> 00:24:21,680
Two...
388
00:24:21,727 --> 00:24:23,718
Oh, sod three, Roger!
389
00:24:26,847 --> 00:24:30,920
The poor dog's going to die
and it doesn't even have a name.
390
00:24:30,967 --> 00:24:33,720
How about Ben? Ben was good.
391
00:24:33,767 --> 00:24:37,043
I wouldn't have named him after a man
who tried to turn me against him.
392
00:24:37,087 --> 00:24:41,558
That's unfair, Susan. I would never
have wanted to see him go down.
393
00:24:41,607 --> 00:24:45,600
This is lovely.
While we're out here arguing, poor little...
394
00:24:47,007 --> 00:24:49,885
dog is fighting for its life.
395
00:24:55,007 --> 00:24:58,602
Um... You don't think
he's really going to die, do you?
396
00:24:58,647 --> 00:25:00,717
He wasn't breathing so well.
397
00:25:05,887 --> 00:25:08,242
(Both panting)
398
00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:09,686
Wow!
399
00:25:10,727 --> 00:25:13,958
My whole life just flashed before my eyes.
400
00:25:14,007 --> 00:25:18,080
I know what you mean. I felt like
somebody just walked over my grave.
401
00:25:19,327 --> 00:25:21,397
But in a good way.
402
00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:26,282
So... what happens next?
403
00:25:27,847 --> 00:25:29,166
Oklahoma!
404
00:25:29,207 --> 00:25:32,005
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
405
00:25:33,007 --> 00:25:36,238
(Film music starts)
406
00:25:39,967 --> 00:25:43,357
I mean... You know, as dogs go, he...
407
00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:46,524
He had a nice way about him.
408
00:25:47,527 --> 00:25:49,324
He likes you, you know.
409
00:25:50,647 --> 00:25:53,161
- You think?
- Yeah. He follows you with his eyes.
410
00:25:53,207 --> 00:25:57,837
Oh... I just thought
he was too lazy to get up.
411
00:25:59,407 --> 00:26:02,160
Sorry if I appeared a little jealous.
412
00:26:02,207 --> 00:26:06,041
I'm sorry if I got a little swept away.
It's just that...
413
00:26:06,087 --> 00:26:08,885
One day you're spooning Calpol
down their throats,
414
00:26:08,927 --> 00:26:13,000
the next you're harbouring
their soldier friends in your attic.
415
00:26:13,047 --> 00:26:14,844
What's Calpol?
416
00:26:16,527 --> 00:26:18,040
Never mind.
417
00:26:18,087 --> 00:26:22,285
I suppose the dog was a way to hang on
a bit longer to being a mother.
418
00:26:22,327 --> 00:26:23,885
You're still a wife.
419
00:26:25,247 --> 00:26:27,477
Don't spoil the moment, Ben.
420
00:26:29,727 --> 00:26:32,116
He brought so much happiness.
421
00:26:32,167 --> 00:26:36,479
Poor little chap wasn't even here long enough
to get hair on his tartan blanket.
422
00:26:36,527 --> 00:26:38,961
He certainly got plenty over our bed.
423
00:26:40,927 --> 00:26:44,840
I only tracked his paw prints...
but I felt like I knew him.
424
00:26:47,647 --> 00:26:49,956
He had a wonderful sense of humour.
425
00:26:50,967 --> 00:26:52,764
Lovely timing.
426
00:26:53,847 --> 00:26:56,281
I wasn't sure how I felt at first...
427
00:26:56,327 --> 00:26:58,522
Who are we talking about again?
428
00:26:58,567 --> 00:27:00,364
The way he cuddled up to me.
429
00:27:00,407 --> 00:27:03,080
The way he'd follow me with his eyes.
430
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,477
It'll be painful to look at his empty bowl.
431
00:27:06,527 --> 00:27:10,315
- The way he'd follow me with his eyes.
- You said that.
432
00:27:10,367 --> 00:27:12,597
The way he'd... What? Oh.
433
00:27:13,647 --> 00:27:15,603
What time will the owners get here?
434
00:27:16,727 --> 00:27:19,241
He seems as good as new.
435
00:27:19,287 --> 00:27:21,721
Which is more than you can say for Mr Tibbs.
436
00:27:21,767 --> 00:27:24,759
Yup. That's a few hundred quid
I'll never see again.
437
00:27:25,767 --> 00:27:27,564
What's that?
438
00:27:27,607 --> 00:27:30,075
He says he's very, very sorry.
439
00:27:30,127 --> 00:27:33,563
He'll reimburse you
as soon as he has the funds.
440
00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:35,806
That's nice.
441
00:27:36,807 --> 00:27:38,604
(Doorbell)
442
00:27:53,207 --> 00:27:56,995
Hello, fella. What do you want?
443
00:27:57,047 --> 00:28:00,278
He says he's forgotten his blanket.
444
00:28:05,047 --> 00:28:07,481
It's easy when you get the hang of it.
34625
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