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1
00:00:02,327 --> 00:00:06,639
Look, all I'm saying, Susan,
is that you're still young.
2
00:00:06,687 --> 00:00:10,157
You're still... attractive.
3
00:00:11,727 --> 00:00:14,719
Ben's gone. It's time to move on.
4
00:00:14,767 --> 00:00:18,237
Mother, he's only away
on a two-week conference.
5
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,800
Morning, Mum.
6
00:00:20,847 --> 00:00:22,326
- Morning, darling.
- Morning.
7
00:00:22,367 --> 00:00:24,927
Mum, can you take Kenzo to nursery for me?
8
00:00:24,967 --> 00:00:28,403
I have to pop in the surgery.
I lost a filling on a date last night.
9
00:00:28,447 --> 00:00:30,881
There's a girl who knows how to enjoy herself.
10
00:00:31,887 --> 00:00:33,684
I hope Dad can fit me in.
11
00:00:33,727 --> 00:00:36,116
Janey, he's been away nearly two weeks.
12
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:38,761
- He has?
- You mean you didn't notice?
13
00:00:38,807 --> 00:00:41,560
I noticed there was a gap on the sofa.
14
00:00:43,407 --> 00:00:45,602
- Has the post arrived yet?
- Yes.
15
00:00:45,647 --> 00:00:48,115
There's a couple for a Mr and Mrs Greyling.
16
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:49,725
I'll take those. Thanks.
17
00:00:49,767 --> 00:00:53,806
Who are these people?
We keep getting their post. Michael?
18
00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:56,077
Michael! Michael!
19
00:00:57,127 --> 00:01:00,597
These mother-son moments
that are so fulfilling.
20
00:01:00,647 --> 00:01:04,526
Well, how about a mother-daughter
moment, hm?
21
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:07,240
It's not too early to have a drink, is it?
22
00:01:07,287 --> 00:01:09,926
Well, it wasn't ten minutes ago.
23
00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:28,357
(Tutting and muttering)
24
00:01:28,407 --> 00:01:31,240
It's totally unacceptable.
25
00:01:33,887 --> 00:01:38,119
That is no way to treat Ben's cotton balls.
26
00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:44,358
Better.
27
00:01:44,407 --> 00:01:46,125
What's up, Roger?
28
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:48,886
What's up? Look at the place.
29
00:01:48,927 --> 00:01:52,761
It's chaos here.
This new locum has desecrated it.
30
00:01:56,087 --> 00:01:58,043
Well, I suppose.
31
00:01:58,087 --> 00:02:01,238
Still, I brought you something nice for lunch.
32
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,926
I can't eat
with the place looking like this.
33
00:02:03,967 --> 00:02:06,242
But it's your favourite, Roger.
34
00:02:06,287 --> 00:02:08,243
Cheese.
35
00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:11,605
Cheese.
36
00:02:12,527 --> 00:02:16,759
Oh, Abi. I can never stay down for long
when I'm with you.
37
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:20,123
I've put some crisps in as well.
38
00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:24,479
I know you like to slip them in... to a sandwich.
39
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,037
- What flavour?
- Prawn.
40
00:02:29,687 --> 00:02:32,485
Ah, that's what I like about you, Roger.
41
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,722
Sometimes you want prawn...
42
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:38,601
and sometimes you want salt and vinegar.
43
00:02:40,407 --> 00:02:42,762
You're an enigma, Roger.
44
00:02:42,807 --> 00:02:44,525
Oh, Abi.
45
00:02:46,527 --> 00:02:48,483
Ahem!
46
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,999
Oh. Janey. I didn't see you there.
47
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,242
Something we can help you with?
48
00:02:55,287 --> 00:02:59,280
You can stop that for a start.
Actually, I need a filling replaced, Roger.
49
00:02:59,327 --> 00:03:02,637
I'm booked solidly.
I'll see if I can squeeze you in.
50
00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:05,645
No! I mean,
don't disrupt your schedule, Roger.
51
00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:07,882
I'll just see Dad's locum instead.
52
00:03:07,927 --> 00:03:10,043
You don't want to see him.
53
00:03:10,087 --> 00:03:13,045
He's not half the man your father is.
54
00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:17,399
He can never fill Ben's shoes.
But then what dentist could?
55
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,278
But he is very handsome.
56
00:03:19,327 --> 00:03:23,639
He has a certain swarthy
Mediterranean grace, but er...
57
00:03:23,687 --> 00:03:26,406
but it's not the issue here.
58
00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:27,766
Morning, Roger.
59
00:03:30,487 --> 00:03:32,284
Oh, yes...
60
00:03:33,287 --> 00:03:35,721
We wondered
when you were going to roll in.
61
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:37,519
Morning, Abi.
62
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,876
(Nervous giggling)
63
00:03:39,927 --> 00:03:44,284
Actually, my first appointment
isn't for 20 minutes, Roger,
64
00:03:44,327 --> 00:03:46,363
but I'm always prepared to start early.
65
00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:48,523
Is there something I can help you with?
66
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:52,560
This is Janey, Ben's daughter.
I was about to replace her filling.
67
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:55,644
I can take it from here.
Would you take a seat?
68
00:03:55,687 --> 00:03:59,965
Fine. But, er...
I'll be watching you, my friend.
69
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:03,322
I shall be watching you.
70
00:04:09,887 --> 00:04:12,447
(Nervous giggling)
71
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:16,961
Abi... come here.
72
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,884
(Mouths)
73
00:04:25,287 --> 00:04:28,802
- Morning, Michael.
- Alfie. My old buddy.
74
00:04:31,047 --> 00:04:33,561
Old pal.
75
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,598
Great to see you.
76
00:04:35,647 --> 00:04:40,960
I sense I'm about to be embroiled
in one of your imaginative capers.
77
00:04:41,007 --> 00:04:45,205
Not at all. I just need you to change
the message on our answering machine.
78
00:04:45,247 --> 00:04:49,798
My heart says yes,
but my conscience is screaming no.
79
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:52,718
Perhaps you should elaborate.
80
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:55,440
All right. Look... Keep this quiet.
81
00:04:55,487 --> 00:04:57,478
I've sold our address to a family
82
00:04:57,527 --> 00:05:00,644
who are desperate to get their kid
into the local school.
83
00:05:00,687 --> 00:05:03,440
If you do this for me, Alfie, I'll...
84
00:05:03,487 --> 00:05:07,400
I won't tell anyone you look
at that naked farm girls website.
85
00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:11,676
I look at that site for the tractors.
86
00:05:15,927 --> 00:05:18,077
Fine. I'll tell them that then.
87
00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:23,804
You win. What have I got to do?
88
00:05:23,847 --> 00:05:27,078
Say these words after the beep
and everything stays between us.
89
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,405
Who am I supposed to be?
90
00:05:30,447 --> 00:05:34,599
Mr Greyling. 40-year-old man,
desperate to get his kid into a good school.
91
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:38,761
- Hello...
- Ah, there you are, Michael.
92
00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,678
Got time for a chat?
93
00:05:41,727 --> 00:05:44,844
- What have you been up to?
- Just the usual.
94
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,878
That makes me nervous for a start.
95
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:52,723
You had a very similar look on your face
when you tried to auction Janey on eBay.
96
00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:55,877
And I'm feeling guilty about tractors.
97
00:06:00,887 --> 00:06:02,639
New boyfriend?
98
00:06:02,687 --> 00:06:05,281
Don't know yet. We've only been out twice.
99
00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:07,795
That's once more than Kenzo's father.
100
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:13,559
True. But he is gorgeous.
And the things he says...
101
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,075
You spoke to each other?
102
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:18,641
That's more than with Kenzo's father too.
103
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:23,359
- Who is he?
- No. You'll just criticise.
104
00:06:23,407 --> 00:06:28,037
This is what mothers and daughters
should share. Come on, who is it?
105
00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:31,197
Tony Bassett. Dad's locum.
106
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:33,807
Great. That's excellent.
107
00:06:33,847 --> 00:06:38,716
See, that was easy, wasn't it?
You opened up, we shared.
108
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,600
I don't think it's a good idea, but we shared.
109
00:06:41,647 --> 00:06:44,366
- What's the problem?
- He's a dentist.
110
00:06:47,247 --> 00:06:50,364
There's something about looking
into people's mouths all day
111
00:06:50,407 --> 00:06:55,481
that makes them bitter and twisted...
and dead inside.
112
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,727
Maybe that's just your father.
113
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:03,442
- Just be careful, Janey.
- What's the worst that can happen?
114
00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:06,126
He ties me up with dental floss and spanks me?
115
00:07:09,447 --> 00:07:11,438
(Doorbell)
116
00:07:12,887 --> 00:07:15,959
Mrs Harper? I'm Lydia Bassett,
Tony Bassett's wife.
117
00:07:16,007 --> 00:07:17,565
Wife?
118
00:07:17,607 --> 00:07:22,283
I didn't know. But now I do
and that's great. Good for you.
119
00:07:23,287 --> 00:07:26,677
- Do you mind if I come in?
- No, not at all. Please.
120
00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:33,684
Please sit down.
121
00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:37,515
Look, I'm sorry to bother you
but I'm really worried about Tony.
122
00:07:39,087 --> 00:07:42,284
- Has he been showing up for work?
- Yes.
123
00:07:42,327 --> 00:07:44,966
- His work's all right?
- So far as I know.
124
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:49,842
In fact, the reports I've heard
so far have been... very positive.
125
00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:52,924
It's just he's been acting so strangely at home.
126
00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:55,879
Irrational outbursts, distant, grumpy.
127
00:07:55,927 --> 00:07:59,124
Trust me, you can make
marriages like that work.
128
00:08:01,287 --> 00:08:05,075
No. I think it's because
he's having one of his affairs again.
129
00:08:05,127 --> 00:08:07,880
Again?
130
00:08:07,927 --> 00:08:12,205
Between you and me, Mrs Harper,
Tony's a ladies' man.
131
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,158
He can't help himself.
132
00:08:14,207 --> 00:08:16,880
He just has this way with women.
133
00:08:16,927 --> 00:08:19,282
Last time it was some young airhead.
134
00:08:19,327 --> 00:08:21,397
I mean, who knows who it is this time?
135
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:25,803
- Hey, Mum, look at this message.
- Later, Janey.
136
00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:28,122
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
137
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:31,716
This is Mrs Bassett,
the wife of Tony Bassett,
138
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,156
the locum who you've never met.
139
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,643
Right. V-Very nice to meet you.
140
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,759
- So why do you put up with him?
- I can't help myself.
141
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:47,880
Once you fall under his spell,
it's impossible to resist.
142
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:52,000
What a complete bastard...
You must be thinking.
143
00:08:53,487 --> 00:08:54,966
Look...
144
00:08:56,127 --> 00:08:58,402
I'm sorry to burden you with my problems.
145
00:08:58,447 --> 00:09:01,678
I just wanted you to be aware
of what might be going on.
146
00:09:01,727 --> 00:09:06,039
Well, whatever might be going on
will definitely stop. Very soon.
147
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:10,080
And if we hear of anything, we'll let you know.
148
00:09:10,127 --> 00:09:13,563
- Thank you for your kindness.
- That's all right.
149
00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:15,598
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
150
00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:21,476
- He told me he was single.
- You've got to do the right thing.
151
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:24,564
- I know.
- You do know what the right thing is?
152
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,677
- Of course.
- You have to finish it.
153
00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:28,797
- I know.
- It's just that in the past...
154
00:09:28,847 --> 00:09:31,441
Mum! I'm going to finish it, OK?
155
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:36,606
The whole time that woman was here
I had the strangest feeling.
156
00:09:36,647 --> 00:09:41,004
Sort of sick to my stomach.
I've never experienced anything like it before.
157
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,845
It's called guilt, Janey.
It's a human emotion.
158
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,636
Mm-hm. Yes, Mr Greyling.
The postal address is all sorted out.
159
00:09:50,687 --> 00:09:52,678
The school think you live here.
160
00:09:52,727 --> 00:09:55,195
How are you fixed for the entrance exam?
161
00:09:55,247 --> 00:09:57,602
I offer a range of services from coaching
162
00:09:57,647 --> 00:10:01,242
to bussing in another child
to sit the exam instead.
163
00:10:01,287 --> 00:10:04,802
There's a prodigy I know in Enfield
with an IQ of 208.
164
00:10:05,807 --> 00:10:07,957
Yeah, I know. Enfield.
165
00:10:09,207 --> 00:10:11,675
But quality costs, Mr Greyling.
166
00:10:12,807 --> 00:10:16,038
We'll talk more later.
Mm. Bye for now.
167
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,117
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey...
168
00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:20,919
Can't stop, Mum. Gotta go.
169
00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:24,566
Sit!
170
00:10:25,687 --> 00:10:28,884
- We have to have a talk, young man.
- About what?
171
00:10:28,927 --> 00:10:33,443
I just want you to know that...
that I'm here for you.
172
00:10:33,487 --> 00:10:37,116
If there's anything worrying you,
173
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:40,557
anything going on in your life
you'd like to share...
174
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,677
any problems...
175
00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:45,525
I'm your mother, you can talk to me.
176
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:49,637
Did you talk to your mother?
177
00:10:58,327 --> 00:11:00,397
All right, Michael. You can go.
178
00:11:03,527 --> 00:11:05,836
I'm really starting to connect with Michael.
179
00:11:05,887 --> 00:11:08,481
We just had a 30-second conversation.
180
00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:09,801
What's that?
181
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:13,123
It arrived earlier for Janey.
It's from that man Tony.
182
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:16,125
Don't open it, Mother.
She'll be sending it back.
183
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:17,646
Oops!
184
00:11:17,687 --> 00:11:19,598
Oh, dear.
185
00:11:19,647 --> 00:11:22,957
How did you do that?
I thought you had arthritis.
186
00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:24,998
Yes, and I've discovered the cure.
187
00:11:26,407 --> 00:11:29,524
I wonder how he knew it's my favourite.
188
00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:33,958
Everything's your favourite
as long as it's liquid and lethal.
189
00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:37,197
Hello, darling. How did he take it?
190
00:11:37,247 --> 00:11:38,885
- Fine.
- Fine?
191
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:41,566
Janey, please tell me you ditched him.
192
00:11:41,607 --> 00:11:44,485
That is why I went there, Mum.
193
00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:46,882
- Honestly.
- You didn't do it, did you?
194
00:11:47,887 --> 00:11:52,722
No. He started talking to me
and he made me feel good about myself.
195
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,200
Janey, he's married.
196
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,523
I know, but somehow that didn't come up.
197
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,444
You have to go back and talk to him.
198
00:11:59,487 --> 00:12:03,196
Go through that again? No way.
The guy's a total charmer.
199
00:12:03,247 --> 00:12:05,283
I had a charmer once.
200
00:12:06,287 --> 00:12:09,120
Every time I tried to finish with him,
201
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,965
somehow he'd get me back into bed
202
00:12:12,007 --> 00:12:14,760
with those three little words.
203
00:12:14,807 --> 00:12:16,240
"Gin and tonic"?
204
00:12:17,647 --> 00:12:20,115
All right. If you won't talk to him, I will.
205
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:22,158
I wouldn't recognise charm.
206
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:25,995
30 years of being married to your father
has taken care of that.
207
00:12:36,527 --> 00:12:39,166
Just give me the information.
208
00:12:40,447 --> 00:12:43,325
An entrance exam
for a kid called Oscar Greyling.
209
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:47,246
How smart do you want him to be?
Scrape through or pass with flying colours?
210
00:12:47,287 --> 00:12:50,802
- Doesn't matter.
- Let's talk money.
211
00:12:50,847 --> 00:12:53,520
I normally pay L30.
212
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,843
Nice talking with you.
Get back to me when you're serious.
213
00:12:56,887 --> 00:12:59,355
Wait a minute. 50.
214
00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:02,399
You really don't know
what you've got here, do you?
215
00:13:02,447 --> 00:13:06,645
I've got kids into Eton and Harrow
who couldn't even spell their own name.
216
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:11,318
- OK. 70?
- Getting warmer.
217
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:12,846
75?
218
00:13:14,687 --> 00:13:16,405
80?
219
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:20,206
All right. 85.
220
00:13:21,607 --> 00:13:23,598
Let's not waste time.
221
00:13:23,647 --> 00:13:26,923
I'm going to write something down
on a piece of paper.
222
00:13:26,967 --> 00:13:30,004
You're going to say yes or no.
223
00:13:36,327 --> 00:13:39,399
L100 and a car to the school gates?
224
00:13:40,407 --> 00:13:42,637
I don't drive.
225
00:13:44,447 --> 00:13:46,403
OK. Deal.
226
00:13:50,487 --> 00:13:52,637
Hey, kid.
227
00:13:52,687 --> 00:13:55,042
I like you. You're all right.
228
00:13:57,887 --> 00:14:00,003
You remind me of a younger me.
229
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:14,317
Mr Bassett? I'm Susan Harper, Janey's mother.
I want a word with you.
230
00:14:15,327 --> 00:14:17,887
If you're Janey's mother,
I want a word with you.
231
00:14:17,927 --> 00:14:19,485
What?
232
00:14:19,527 --> 00:14:22,997
I want to thank you.
You've brought up a wonderful daughter.
233
00:14:25,287 --> 00:14:28,404
Well, whatever you said
to my wonderful daughter...
234
00:14:28,447 --> 00:14:30,244
Firstly, you stay away from her.
235
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:34,803
Secondly, you finish your day's work here,
then you pack your bags and go.
236
00:14:34,847 --> 00:14:38,920
And thirdly... What's so funny?
237
00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:41,879
I can see where Janey gets her spirit from.
238
00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:45,920
You must be very proud of her.
She has some very special qualities.
239
00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:48,765
If you hadn't said you were her mother,
I'd have guessed.
240
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,525
- Really?
- Yeah.
241
00:14:53,527 --> 00:14:56,883
- Well, the point is...
- She talks about you all the time.
242
00:14:56,927 --> 00:14:59,122
She was telling the story about her doll, Molly.
243
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:00,395
Mopsy.
244
00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:03,644
Mopsy. She had a fever and the only thing
she wanted was that doll,
245
00:15:03,687 --> 00:15:05,678
but she'd left it
at her grandmother's house
246
00:15:05,727 --> 00:15:09,083
and you drove across town
to get it at two in the morning.
247
00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:12,521
- She remembers me doing that?
- Oh, vividly.
248
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:16,082
It's what any parent would have done, Tony.
249
00:15:16,127 --> 00:15:18,038
You know, Susan.
250
00:15:18,087 --> 00:15:22,239
Hearing all about you from Janey
makes me think you're two people inside.
251
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:25,279
You're an aggressive, protective mother.
252
00:15:25,327 --> 00:15:28,478
Look at the way you've come here
to put me in my place.
253
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:30,995
Then there's another side. The...
254
00:15:32,247 --> 00:15:34,044
caring, vulnerable side.
255
00:15:34,087 --> 00:15:38,763
The side that goes out on a snowy night
to get a little girl's doll.
256
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:43,279
You know, a lot of people
don't see that side of me.
257
00:15:45,807 --> 00:15:48,401
Would you like me
to go and see him, dear?
258
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,324
I'm in the mood to be charmed.
259
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:54,724
I haven't had a good charming since 1978.
260
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:59,522
That's a nice offer, Mother, but we want
him to back off, not stop his heart.
261
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,683
So what are we going to do, Mum?
262
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:05,686
Every time we talk to him,
he knocks us off our guard. He's too good.
263
00:16:05,727 --> 00:16:08,560
- We'll do what your father would do.
- What?
264
00:16:08,607 --> 00:16:10,598
Absolutely nothing.
265
00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:15,163
He'll soon move on.
Tony will go after anything in a skirt.
266
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,721
It wouldn't be any trouble to go and see him.
267
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:20,327
(Doorbell)
268
00:16:21,727 --> 00:16:26,482
Chin up. Society just isn't ready
for girls like us.
269
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:32,515
Mrs Harper. Tony's confessed everything.
He's definitely having an affair.
270
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,717
- May I come in?
- Of course.
271
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,837
But first you need a hug.
272
00:16:43,447 --> 00:16:45,244
Come in.
273
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:50,283
Mrs Bassett's found out
that her husband is having an affair.
274
00:16:50,327 --> 00:16:53,717
The maddening thing is I've got
no idea who the other woman is.
275
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:58,680
- Yes. That must be maddening.
- I don't suppose you know?
276
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,719
I'm afraid not.
Has he described this woman at all?
277
00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:04,918
He doesn't need to.
It's always the same type.
278
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:07,162
Young, slim, brunette...
279
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,846
as thick as two short planks.
280
00:17:09,887 --> 00:17:12,560
Well, she can bloody well have him.
281
00:17:12,607 --> 00:17:16,395
- I don't think she wants him.
- Oh, I think she does.
282
00:17:16,447 --> 00:17:18,517
But you said he'd done this before.
283
00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:21,877
He's never moved out before.
This is serious.
284
00:17:21,927 --> 00:17:24,919
He says he wants to start a new life with her.
285
00:17:24,967 --> 00:17:28,403
No way. There's no way
that's ever going to happen.
286
00:17:29,727 --> 00:17:32,161
She's just being supportive.
287
00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:36,764
Yes. This is the Greyling household.
288
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:41,437
Yes, we have put in an application
for Oscar at St Anselm's.
289
00:17:47,007 --> 00:17:49,601
I'll make sure my parents are here.
290
00:17:49,647 --> 00:17:51,922
Tomorrow at four. Fine.
291
00:17:52,927 --> 00:17:55,680
Five, six, seven and...
292
00:17:55,727 --> 00:17:57,718
(# Pulsating disco)
293
00:18:03,047 --> 00:18:04,765
Oh, there she is.
294
00:18:04,807 --> 00:18:07,605
- All right, my sweet?
- Yes, thank you, Roger.
295
00:18:07,647 --> 00:18:11,845
- Where are you two off to?
- Gloucester Road tube station.
296
00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:16,317
- And then where?
- Just Gloucester Road tube station.
297
00:18:17,327 --> 00:18:20,956
We like to watch the mice
on the Underground.
298
00:18:21,007 --> 00:18:23,362
Thank goodness you're here.
I need help.
299
00:18:23,407 --> 00:18:25,796
Sorry, Michael. I've got big plans.
300
00:18:25,847 --> 00:18:30,204
- They're going to see the mice.
- Of course. It's Tuesday.
301
00:18:30,247 --> 00:18:33,398
Look, I'm in huge trouble.
I just had a phone call.
302
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:36,359
The headmistress of St Anselm's
is coming round.
303
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,080
She's expecting
to meet the Greyling family.
304
00:18:39,127 --> 00:18:42,563
I had a feeling your little caper would backfire.
305
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:45,997
You'll have to pretend to be the Greylings.
Roger, you're Mr Greyling.
306
00:18:46,047 --> 00:18:49,119
Abi, Mrs Greyling.
Alfie, could you play the weird cousin?
307
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:51,806
Well, it's a stretch.
308
00:18:53,287 --> 00:18:55,437
Janey, you're Oscar's other cousin.
309
00:18:55,487 --> 00:18:57,842
Yeah. What's my motivation?
310
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,606
- 50 quid.
- Done.
311
00:19:01,647 --> 00:19:03,126
Who's Oscar?
312
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:06,876
Your son.
The kid I'm trying to get into this school.
313
00:19:06,927 --> 00:19:09,316
Oh, did you hear that, Roger?
314
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:13,519
We've got ourselves a little baby boy.
315
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:22,918
(Doorbell)
316
00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:33,117
Sorry to spring this on you. I'm Helen Forbes.
317
00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:35,886
Hi. I'm Michael, Oscar's older brother.
318
00:19:35,927 --> 00:19:39,476
Welcome to our home.
Come in and meet the family.
319
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:44,037
It's this way.
320
00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:47,796
Mum, Dad,
this is Mrs Forbes from St Anselm's.
321
00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:50,680
- Please call me Helen.
- Hello.
322
00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:53,878
- This is my dad, Donald.
- Please call me Don.
323
00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:58,004
I'm Mrs Greyling, but you can call me...
324
00:19:58,047 --> 00:20:00,481
Mrs Greyling.
325
00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:03,724
Hello. I'm Janey, Oswald's cousin.
326
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:07,237
- Oscar, surely?
- Yes. That's what I said.
327
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:12,326
I'm Alfie. I'm the weird cousin.
328
00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:18,046
Hello, everyone. I'm Oscar.
329
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:22,279
- This is an extra 30 quid, right?
- Yeah.
330
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:24,443
How do you do, Oscar?
331
00:20:26,087 --> 00:20:27,805
I'm pleased to meet you all.
332
00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:31,237
We have had cases
of families using false addresses
333
00:20:31,287 --> 00:20:33,357
to get their children into our school.
334
00:20:33,407 --> 00:20:35,398
Thunderbolts and lightning!
335
00:20:35,447 --> 00:20:39,804
- The Greylings would never do that, would we?
- Oh, no, Don.
336
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:57,517
Ah, Auntie Pru.
337
00:20:59,447 --> 00:21:04,362
Oscar's new headmistress has
come around to meet the family.
338
00:21:04,407 --> 00:21:06,045
How do you do?
339
00:21:06,087 --> 00:21:10,285
Would you like a cup of tea
or a scone, Auntie Pru?
340
00:21:11,327 --> 00:21:14,637
- Tea, Mother?
- Yes, please, Michael.
341
00:21:16,247 --> 00:21:19,444
- Michael...
- Yes, Auntie Pru.
342
00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:23,765
That little chat we never had.
I'd like it now, please. In the kitchen.
343
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:31,244
Mrs Greyling, I find it hard to believe
you could have a son Michael's age.
344
00:21:31,287 --> 00:21:34,757
- She's had a lot of work done.
- I'm 37.
345
00:21:34,807 --> 00:21:36,638
Well, you look amazing.
346
00:21:36,687 --> 00:21:40,362
- I'm 42.
- Yes. That's about right.
347
00:21:43,487 --> 00:21:45,523
But look at the benefits, Mum.
348
00:21:45,567 --> 00:21:49,526
Gas, water, phone, council tax -
all in the Greylings' name.
349
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:53,082
It's fraud, Michael!
What would your father say?
350
00:21:53,127 --> 00:21:57,006
You mean about not having to pay any
bills until Oscar's finished his A levels?
351
00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:58,878
Whoopee, I should think.
352
00:21:58,927 --> 00:22:02,237
Yes. Well... I'm sorry, Michael.
353
00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:05,279
I'm going to have to set
that poor woman straight.
354
00:22:07,007 --> 00:22:10,204
And as for you,
you little sh... short-arse,
355
00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:13,125
you are going to have
to face the consequences.
356
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:17,399
Look on the bright side, Mum.
At least we're talking now.
357
00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:23,883
You'll be a welcome addition to our school.
Well done.
358
00:22:23,927 --> 00:22:25,758
Thank you, Mrs Forbes.
359
00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:31,323
I made my position absolutely clear.
I really gave it to him straight.
360
00:22:31,367 --> 00:22:34,518
- You texted him, didn't you?
- Damned right.
361
00:22:34,567 --> 00:22:38,401
The point is I don't think
we'll be hearing any more from him.
362
00:22:42,007 --> 00:22:44,680
I don't know what you said to him, Janey,
363
00:22:44,727 --> 00:22:47,958
but this is much better
than the stuff he sent last time.
364
00:22:48,007 --> 00:22:49,804
Ah, yes.
365
00:22:49,847 --> 00:22:55,205
The '82, yes. The flinty soil
and the warm summer they had that year
366
00:22:55,247 --> 00:22:59,843
guaranteed a bouquet that
was bursting with ripe berry flavours.
367
00:22:59,887 --> 00:23:01,764
So what are we going to do?
368
00:23:01,807 --> 00:23:04,685
Just keep it at room temperature.
369
00:23:04,727 --> 00:23:07,036
What's going on inside his head?
370
00:23:07,087 --> 00:23:10,523
Well, Janey,
I've no formal psychiatric training,
371
00:23:10,567 --> 00:23:14,162
but it's my view
that the icy-cold blast of rejection
372
00:23:14,207 --> 00:23:19,884
has turned him from an urbane charmer
in the Nigel Havers mould
373
00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:23,203
into a bunny-boiling nutter.
374
00:23:24,207 --> 00:23:27,643
So? Any ideas on how to get rid of him?
375
00:23:27,687 --> 00:23:31,965
Well, a woman I know had a similar
problem with a chap from her village.
376
00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:34,202
It was a terrible obsession.
377
00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:37,000
He stood outside her window for two weeks,
378
00:23:37,047 --> 00:23:39,720
screaming and shouting
and gnashing his teeth.
379
00:23:39,767 --> 00:23:43,601
- What happened?
- They got married and had me.
380
00:23:45,327 --> 00:23:48,956
I think that is the saddest story I've ever heard.
381
00:23:49,007 --> 00:23:50,759
(Mobile phone)
382
00:23:52,967 --> 00:23:54,446
Hello.
383
00:23:55,447 --> 00:23:56,926
Tony.
384
00:23:56,967 --> 00:23:59,720
Yes, I got your flowers.
Did you get my text?
385
00:23:59,767 --> 00:24:01,837
Good. Yeah, I meant every word.
386
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:05,804
Well, that's true.
387
00:24:14,047 --> 00:24:15,844
Surely not?
388
00:24:18,087 --> 00:24:21,636
Yes, but I suppose Paris in the autumn
will be lovely.
389
00:24:23,967 --> 00:24:27,755
- Oh, stop it, Tony.
- Give that to me.
390
00:24:27,807 --> 00:24:32,085
Listen to me, Mr Tony Bassett.
Er... Er...
391
00:24:34,767 --> 00:24:37,406
What? Oh, you think so, do you?
392
00:24:38,607 --> 00:24:40,086
Uh-huh.
393
00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:43,676
Uh-huh.
394
00:24:43,727 --> 00:24:45,285
Good.
395
00:24:46,807 --> 00:24:48,286
Mm-hm.
396
00:24:49,767 --> 00:24:52,486
Yes. Yes, I understand.
397
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:55,846
Right.
398
00:25:01,327 --> 00:25:03,761
He just wants a few minutes of our time.
399
00:25:03,807 --> 00:25:06,640
He's coming round for drinks at eight.
400
00:25:08,727 --> 00:25:12,800
Oh, no. He's done it again.
How does he do that?
401
00:25:14,087 --> 00:25:16,237
OK. OK...
402
00:25:18,047 --> 00:25:21,323
Desperate situations
call for desperate measures.
403
00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:25,161
- Tony.
- Susan. Thank you so much for...
404
00:25:25,207 --> 00:25:28,404
No, no, no. Don't say a word. Come in.
405
00:25:32,927 --> 00:25:34,918
Let me get you a drink.
406
00:25:34,967 --> 00:25:37,356
Janey will be with you in a second.
407
00:25:37,407 --> 00:25:40,160
Good. Susan, can I just say...
408
00:25:40,207 --> 00:25:41,879
No, no, no, no, no.
409
00:25:41,927 --> 00:25:43,758
- But I'd just like to...
- No.
410
00:25:45,367 --> 00:25:46,846
Tony.
411
00:25:47,847 --> 00:25:50,680
This must be Kenzo.
He's inherited your big...
412
00:25:50,727 --> 00:25:54,322
Here. Can you take him?
He's got a streaming cold.
413
00:25:54,367 --> 00:25:56,517
Oh, and this. I'll take that.
414
00:25:56,567 --> 00:25:58,558
You may as well get used to it.
415
00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:02,998
He's always bringing home some disease
or another from school.
416
00:26:03,047 --> 00:26:06,926
- Even if he has got a cold, he's...
- Sh-sh-sh. Just relax.
417
00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:10,084
You're going through a hell of a time.
418
00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:13,846
Do you like Westlife?
419
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,205
No, but I'll tell you who I do like...
420
00:26:18,247 --> 00:26:20,363
Yes. Westlife.
421
00:26:20,407 --> 00:26:22,637
Alfie plays their songs all night long.
422
00:26:22,687 --> 00:26:25,440
You'll find out
when you move in here with Janey.
423
00:26:25,487 --> 00:26:28,126
Keeps me entertained at 4am.
424
00:26:28,167 --> 00:26:30,522
This one has never
slept through the night.
425
00:26:30,567 --> 00:26:34,401
- I thought we'd get our own place...
- Tony, Tony, Tony.
426
00:26:34,447 --> 00:26:36,961
You're living with us.
It's all been decided.
427
00:26:37,007 --> 00:26:41,125
- Well, that sounds very nice, but...
- Susan, I can't find a corkscrew!
428
00:26:41,167 --> 00:26:43,237
You had one around your neck.
429
00:26:47,727 --> 00:26:50,799
This is my mother. She lives here too.
430
00:26:50,847 --> 00:26:53,042
Don't worry. Only when the pub's shut.
431
00:26:53,087 --> 00:26:55,920
Oh, no. I just put...
432
00:26:55,967 --> 00:26:59,596
- Isn't he funny?
- I'll get him another one.
433
00:26:59,647 --> 00:27:03,845
♪ I love Westlife, I think they're cool
434
00:27:03,887 --> 00:27:07,880
- # I love Westlife, they sit on stools... #
- Hello.
435
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,758
Hello, Tony.
436
00:27:11,247 --> 00:27:13,556
You think you see a lot of me at work,
437
00:27:13,607 --> 00:27:17,202
wait till we start
spending our evenings together. Oh, yes.
438
00:27:17,247 --> 00:27:19,715
You and I are gonna get real close.
439
00:27:20,727 --> 00:27:22,638
I like taking pictures.
440
00:27:22,687 --> 00:27:24,120
- Oh.
- Not again.
441
00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:27,876
(Susan) Take a picture of that.
That's so sweet.
442
00:27:27,927 --> 00:27:29,724
Hello, Tone.
443
00:27:30,967 --> 00:27:35,040
- Hello, Abi.
- Hello, Tone.
444
00:27:36,327 --> 00:27:38,124
Abi, come away.
445
00:27:41,447 --> 00:27:43,244
Watching you.
446
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:48,638
As a... As a dentist,
can you prescribe drugs?
447
00:27:48,687 --> 00:27:51,520
Don't worry about her.
She's got no memory left.
448
00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:53,398
She'll ask you that 50 times a day.
449
00:27:54,727 --> 00:27:58,037
Janey, your family are really lovely, but...
450
00:27:58,087 --> 00:28:01,716
Aren't they something?
The good thing is that we'll never be alone.
451
00:28:01,767 --> 00:28:04,281
They're around all the time.
452
00:28:04,327 --> 00:28:07,239
So what do you think?
When's the wedding?
453
00:28:07,287 --> 00:28:09,084
Well, er... I, um...
454
00:28:10,287 --> 00:28:14,963
Let's not be too hasty.
We may be taking things a little too quickly.
455
00:28:15,007 --> 00:28:18,238
Perhaps we should give each other
a bit of space.
456
00:28:18,287 --> 00:28:21,757
Space? Who needs space, Tony?
We have family.
457
00:28:21,807 --> 00:28:24,082
Now, about those drugs...
458
00:28:26,967 --> 00:28:30,118
Well done, Mum. We did it.
459
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:33,716
And that, Michael,
is how you carry off a scam.
460
00:28:38,527 --> 00:28:42,520
Nice doing business with you. Call me
when you need someone to bail you out.
461
00:28:42,567 --> 00:28:44,080
Hey, kid.
462
00:28:45,087 --> 00:28:48,159
- Wanna double your money?
- Keep talking.
463
00:28:48,207 --> 00:28:50,801
I've written a number down
between one and ten.
464
00:28:50,847 --> 00:28:54,760
You say a number, my number matches yours,
I get my money back.
465
00:28:54,807 --> 00:28:56,763
I get it wrong, you double your money.
466
00:28:56,807 --> 00:28:58,525
You're on.
467
00:29:00,287 --> 00:29:02,118
Seven.
468
00:29:07,167 --> 00:29:09,761
I think you have something of mine there.
469
00:29:11,327 --> 00:29:12,965
How did you do that?
470
00:29:14,007 --> 00:29:18,000
You're good, kid, but while I'm around
you'll always be second best.
36972
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