Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:40,414 --> 00:00:42,651
- Jameson, neat.
- Okay.
2
00:01:05,074 --> 00:01:06,475
There's that look.
3
00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:12,949
That "who do you think
you are?" look.
4
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:17,351
Like she can see exactly
who I am.
5
00:01:18,755 --> 00:01:20,857
They don't see who I am.
6
00:01:21,724 --> 00:01:26,696
Because what none of them know,
could ever even guess,
7
00:01:27,897 --> 00:01:31,298
is that I am a vampire.
8
00:01:36,038 --> 00:01:38,640
Hey, check out Mike Tyson.
9
00:01:38,673 --> 00:01:40,509
Yeah, what's up with that?
10
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,494
For the next eight weeks,
11
00:01:59,528 --> 00:02:02,999
watch as five weird,
wild, real-life freaks
12
00:02:03,032 --> 00:02:05,399
compete to win 50,000 dollars.
13
00:02:05,735 --> 00:02:08,805
Aurelio Voltaire,
a gothic homemaker,
14
00:02:08,838 --> 00:02:11,473
Is lay Fire, a modern-day witch,
15
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,009
The Nudist,
16
00:02:13,042 --> 00:02:16,343
Badass Becky,
your foot girl next door,
17
00:02:16,377 --> 00:02:20,414
and Stacz, a man
who calls himself a vampire.
18
00:02:21,751 --> 00:02:24,120
I'm the leader of
a global underground community
19
00:02:24,153 --> 00:02:26,789
of real live vampires.
20
00:02:26,823 --> 00:02:30,357
I mean, there's
50 to 100,000 of us worldwide.
21
00:02:30,391 --> 00:02:31,961
As the leader of my community,
22
00:02:31,994 --> 00:02:35,832
I felt it was time
to come out of the coffin
23
00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:39,035
because I do sleep in a coffin.
24
00:02:39,969 --> 00:02:42,004
Ladies, if you don't believe me,
25
00:02:42,038 --> 00:02:45,372
I'd be happy to have you
come check it out.
26
00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,877
- Next we have...
- Oh, my God.
27
00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:52,915
It's so much worse
than I even imagined.
28
00:02:52,949 --> 00:02:55,051
Yeah, well, it was a lotta
money that I could've won.
29
00:02:55,084 --> 00:02:56,585
- But you didn't win.
- Hey,
30
00:02:56,618 --> 00:02:58,553
that foot chick really
was a badass.
31
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:02,158
Anyway, my clips,
I'm going viral.
32
00:03:02,190 --> 00:03:05,594
From now on, any time
any of us tells someone,
33
00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:07,495
that's what
they're gonna think of.
34
00:03:07,496 --> 00:03:09,731
You made us look like we think
we're supernatural or something.
35
00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:10,800
That's ridiculous.
36
00:03:10,833 --> 00:03:12,500
Of course it's ridiculous,
37
00:03:12,534 --> 00:03:14,070
but they don't know
that we know that.
38
00:03:14,103 --> 00:03:15,570
You know what?
39
00:03:15,604 --> 00:03:17,672
I don't have to listen to this
anymore.
40
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:24,080
You have
your updated test results?
41
00:03:31,721 --> 00:03:32,822
Clean.
42
00:03:33,321 --> 00:03:35,758
As a housewife's bathroom.
43
00:03:36,158 --> 00:03:38,160
You know, you need me.
44
00:03:38,193 --> 00:03:40,495
Who else would be sick enough
to have you?
45
00:03:42,564 --> 00:03:46,135
I mean, the only chick I know
that has to pay for a donor.
46
00:03:46,836 --> 00:03:49,071
I don't wanna owe you anything.
47
00:03:49,105 --> 00:03:51,007
Well, I always said you
needed to see a shrink.
48
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,574
Yep, I did.
49
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,087
She told me to cut you
out of my life.
50
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,157
You kneel now in a sacred place
51
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:12,161
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
52
00:04:13,029 --> 00:04:16,933
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
53
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,467
My blood.
54
00:04:31,747 --> 00:04:34,684
How much do you hate yourself
every time you come here?
55
00:04:37,853 --> 00:04:40,690
Almost as much as I hate you.
56
00:04:46,963 --> 00:04:47,997
Where you been?
57
00:04:53,869 --> 00:04:55,171
Work.
58
00:04:55,203 --> 00:04:56,706
Nine million people
59
00:04:56,739 --> 00:04:58,708
and you can't find
another donor.
60
00:04:59,474 --> 00:05:01,811
I don't have your talent
for finding them.
61
00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:03,478
You can always feed on me.
62
00:05:03,946 --> 00:05:05,180
A pity suck.
63
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,817
Did you see
the clips I sent you?
64
00:05:09,317 --> 00:05:10,618
Yep.
65
00:05:10,652 --> 00:05:13,488
Seven million views a piece.
66
00:05:15,091 --> 00:05:16,025
Shit.
67
00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:17,525
All of a sudden,
68
00:05:17,559 --> 00:05:19,294
the whole world's
gonna know about us.
69
00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:21,931
And that's the fucking guy
they're gonna see.
70
00:05:22,765 --> 00:05:24,033
Sarah?
71
00:05:24,066 --> 00:05:26,634
What happened?
72
00:05:26,668 --> 00:05:28,004
Lily's boyfriend
broke up with her
73
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:30,505
because she told him
she's a vampire.
74
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:35,811
I just...
75
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,850
Someone sent him
that stupid clip
76
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,119
and he was showing me
and I just thought,
77
00:05:43,152 --> 00:05:46,621
"I'll tell him, I'll just
tell him, and it'll be fine."
78
00:05:46,654 --> 00:05:48,858
But I told him and he was like
79
00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:52,061
you can't be a Muslim
and a vampire.
80
00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:56,197
And I said I can, I am.
81
00:05:57,198 --> 00:06:01,037
And he said well I can't
and he told me to go.
82
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:06,241
Oh, and that's why
we don't date mundanes.
83
00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:09,177
She was always on me
about telling him.
84
00:06:09,210 --> 00:06:11,947
- She had to tell him sometime.
- I thought he was different.
85
00:06:12,313 --> 00:06:15,250
They always seem different.
86
00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:17,820
I just wanted a boyfriend.
87
00:06:18,286 --> 00:06:20,689
You should try it sometime.
88
00:06:20,723 --> 00:06:24,060
They'll break your heart,
but you can have sex with them.
89
00:06:24,093 --> 00:06:25,293
That's very funny.
90
00:06:25,326 --> 00:06:26,796
Ow!
91
00:06:26,829 --> 00:06:28,329
Oh, there's mail for you
on the table.
92
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:34,136
What am I gonna do?
93
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:37,006
You're gonna find
a nice vampire boy...
94
00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,808
Oh, no I'm not.
95
00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:41,609
No, I'm not.
96
00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:43,913
I'm gonna end up alone
like Sarah.
97
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,346
Hey!
98
00:06:45,815 --> 00:06:47,282
Oh!
99
00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:49,085
Oh, my God!
100
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:50,152
Your sister.
101
00:06:50,185 --> 00:06:51,252
Oh no, what?
102
00:06:51,887 --> 00:06:54,957
"Lord Stacz and Mistress Regan
103
00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:58,861
request your presence
at her annual birthday ball."
104
00:06:59,728 --> 00:07:00,963
Fucking Stacz.
105
00:07:02,932 --> 00:07:04,332
Fucking coffin.
106
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,769
You know what?
107
00:07:07,235 --> 00:07:09,171
We should make a viral video.
108
00:07:09,872 --> 00:07:11,774
You can't just make
a viral video,
109
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,109
that's not how it works.
110
00:07:13,142 --> 00:07:14,777
I know, smart ass.
111
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,412
I'ma make a video
and it's gonna go viral.
112
00:07:17,446 --> 00:07:18,814
A video of what?
113
00:07:19,115 --> 00:07:21,316
I'm gonna come out publicly.
114
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,652
You're gonna go on the internet
115
00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:26,421
and tell people
that you're a vampire?
116
00:07:26,455 --> 00:07:29,158
Stacz can't be
the only vampire people see.
117
00:07:29,558 --> 00:07:31,894
I'm a rational person.
118
00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:33,796
If I just explain it to them...
119
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:35,431
What about me and Lily?
120
00:07:35,464 --> 00:07:37,766
If you tell people,
everyone's gonna know.
121
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,702
You just wanna
keep hiding forever?
122
00:07:39,735 --> 00:07:41,202
I'm not hiding.
123
00:07:41,203 --> 00:07:42,904
I just don't think
everyone in the whole world
124
00:07:42,905 --> 00:07:44,840
needs to know what I do
behind closed doors.
125
00:07:44,874 --> 00:07:47,375
I think it's time we come out.
126
00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:50,645
I want people to see me!
127
00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:54,083
And you think people are
gonna take you seriously?
128
00:07:54,116 --> 00:07:55,751
- They might.
- They won't.
129
00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,854
I wanna make one, too.
130
00:07:58,888 --> 00:08:00,823
I'm tired of lying.
131
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,458
What about your job?
132
00:08:02,491 --> 00:08:04,093
What about your parents?
133
00:08:04,126 --> 00:08:05,728
You're right.
134
00:08:05,729 --> 00:08:07,227
We should just keep
subverting who we are,
135
00:08:07,228 --> 00:08:10,231
make sure everyone else
is comfortable.
136
00:08:39,128 --> 00:08:40,162
Shit.
137
00:08:41,964 --> 00:08:43,732
I told you three weeks ago
138
00:08:43,766 --> 00:08:45,968
that my prayer group
was coming over tonight.
139
00:08:46,001 --> 00:08:47,836
I'm just not comfortable
with having anyone...
140
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:49,872
With having a heathen
in the other room.
141
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:51,239
I promise I won't be there.
142
00:08:51,272 --> 00:08:54,242
You know,
I used to be just like you.
143
00:08:54,275 --> 00:08:57,212
Cynical, a nonbeliever.
144
00:08:57,980 --> 00:09:00,916
But when Todd left me
after 35 years,
145
00:09:01,382 --> 00:09:03,152
you know who was there for me?
146
00:09:03,986 --> 00:09:05,020
Jesus.
147
00:09:06,855 --> 00:09:08,724
Your mother called me
this morning.
148
00:09:08,958 --> 00:09:10,358
I'm sorry, what?
149
00:09:10,391 --> 00:09:12,360
You need to pick up
when she calls, James.
150
00:09:13,963 --> 00:09:16,532
I don't expect you
to understand this,
151
00:09:16,565 --> 00:09:18,968
being young and a man,
152
00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:22,104
but you hit a certain age
as a woman
153
00:09:22,137 --> 00:09:24,773
and you just stop being seen.
154
00:09:25,306 --> 00:09:29,545
And you call and call
and call and he doesn't pick up.
155
00:09:29,578 --> 00:09:31,458
I'm sorry, are we still
talking about my mother?
156
00:09:31,747 --> 00:09:33,181
Call your mother, James!
157
00:09:34,516 --> 00:09:35,751
Call her.
158
00:09:36,919 --> 00:09:37,853
Hi, Tim!
159
00:09:37,886 --> 00:09:38,854
Hey.
160
00:09:38,887 --> 00:09:40,055
Hi, Tim.
161
00:09:40,388 --> 00:09:42,791
I had a great convo
with your mom last night.
162
00:09:43,224 --> 00:09:45,027
Oh, yeah?
163
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:48,196
You know, we had such
great times together at Oxford.
164
00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:51,399
- She's great, just so great.
- Yeah.
165
00:09:51,433 --> 00:09:53,002
I got a good one for you
this morning.
166
00:09:53,669 --> 00:09:56,138
- Oh?
- Yeah, coming in at ten o'clock.
167
00:09:56,171 --> 00:09:58,774
- Oh, that's...
- Your first church.
168
00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:01,376
Should be a quick one,
open and shut.
169
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,212
Let me give you
some advice, James.
170
00:10:04,245 --> 00:10:06,081
Most of the time working
at the IRS
171
00:10:06,115 --> 00:10:09,084
is like doing the work
of an ant in a colony.
172
00:10:09,118 --> 00:10:10,819
You work hard all the time,
173
00:10:10,853 --> 00:10:13,221
lifting up
three times your body weight,
174
00:10:13,254 --> 00:10:16,025
but maybe once in your career
you get a case
175
00:10:16,058 --> 00:10:19,128
in which the group in question
has attracted,
176
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,531
let's say,
some heightened media attention.
177
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,941
And then a small spotlight
might be shown
178
00:10:32,975 --> 00:10:37,112
on the civic duty you do
quietly, nobly, every day.
179
00:10:38,547 --> 00:10:40,214
Happened to me in '94.
180
00:10:40,482 --> 00:10:43,118
This might be the one
where it can happen for you.
181
00:10:43,952 --> 00:10:45,054
And...
182
00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:47,523
what?
183
00:10:47,556 --> 00:10:49,892
I got interviewed
for a news segment.
184
00:10:52,528 --> 00:10:54,063
The news.
185
00:10:57,298 --> 00:10:58,901
Hey, come on.
186
00:11:04,139 --> 00:11:06,875
This is Miss Woods,
your ten o'clock.
187
00:11:15,416 --> 00:11:17,886
You understand
that you're being audited, yes?
188
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:18,954
Yeah.
189
00:11:22,692 --> 00:11:24,660
This year you filed as single
190
00:11:24,694 --> 00:11:26,562
but eight years ago
you filed as married.
191
00:11:26,595 --> 00:11:27,629
Divorced?
192
00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:36,105
It says your occupation
is grave-finder.
193
00:11:36,538 --> 00:11:38,006
Can you tell me what that is?
194
00:11:38,842 --> 00:11:41,043
Genealogists hire me
to find the graves
195
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,478
of their clients' ancestors.
196
00:11:42,511 --> 00:11:45,213
I take pictures,
write down information,
197
00:11:45,614 --> 00:11:46,882
they pay me.
198
00:11:48,349 --> 00:11:49,349
Okay.
199
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,022
This lists you
as the primary director
200
00:11:54,056 --> 00:11:55,624
of a registered church.
201
00:11:55,657 --> 00:11:57,291
The House of Twilight.
202
00:11:58,359 --> 00:11:59,394
Yep.
203
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:05,199
Can you tell me a bit
about what that is?
204
00:12:06,502 --> 00:12:09,303
We're a collective
of independent vampires.
205
00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:13,008
You're a collective
of independent vampires.
206
00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:15,544
We're not supernatural,
obviously,
207
00:12:15,577 --> 00:12:19,414
we just, we, need to feed
on energy to stay healthy.
208
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:21,282
And how?
209
00:12:22,719 --> 00:12:24,385
We drink blood.
210
00:12:28,256 --> 00:12:30,391
We don't attack people
or anything, we have donors.
211
00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:31,694
Ugh!
212
00:12:31,728 --> 00:12:33,227
You know,
I'm feeling like you may not
213
00:12:33,261 --> 00:12:35,164
be able to objectively evaluate
my case.
214
00:12:35,196 --> 00:12:37,365
Do you think I could maybe
get another IRS agent
215
00:12:37,398 --> 00:12:38,667
who isn't quite so...
216
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:39,702
Human?
217
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:41,670
Judgmental.
218
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:52,280
You filed your taxes
as a registered church
219
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:55,183
for the last eight years,
meaning that you have not paid
220
00:12:55,216 --> 00:12:58,386
any income tax on money
donated to that entity.
221
00:12:58,419 --> 00:12:59,488
Yes.
222
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,958
Did you register using a lawyer?
223
00:13:04,225 --> 00:13:05,293
Look...
224
00:13:06,462 --> 00:13:08,362
I printed up a list of a lot
225
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:12,167
of other alt groups
that are registered churches.
226
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,302
Wiccans, Scientologists.
227
00:13:15,203 --> 00:13:18,272
This is America, I'm not sure
if you're familiar with America.
228
00:13:18,306 --> 00:13:20,274
I have dual citizenship.
229
00:13:23,311 --> 00:13:25,514
You appear to only have
three current members.
230
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:28,182
Yeah, well, people come and go.
231
00:13:29,485 --> 00:13:34,022
Look, James Thayer,
I just, I don't understand
232
00:13:34,056 --> 00:13:35,692
why this is happening.
233
00:13:35,693 --> 00:13:37,826
Apparently there's been
some heightened media attention
234
00:13:37,827 --> 00:13:40,429
on your organization leading
to attention from the IRS.
235
00:13:40,462 --> 00:13:43,065
Are you saying this is
because of a reality show?
236
00:13:43,098 --> 00:13:44,633
Ma'am, please.
237
00:13:44,666 --> 00:13:46,786
That's not even, that is
a completely different house.
238
00:13:46,836 --> 00:13:48,604
I don't know anything
about that.
239
00:13:48,838 --> 00:13:51,073
I just handle the cases
that they give me.
240
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:52,474
So...
241
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,812
After an initial review
of your organization,
242
00:13:55,845 --> 00:13:59,180
the IRS has determined that
there is not sufficient evidence
243
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,349
to justify your church status.
244
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:03,151
Unless the documents
that you bring today
245
00:14:03,184 --> 00:14:05,286
reverse that perspective,
there will be
246
00:14:05,722 --> 00:14:09,091
an immediate revocation of
your designated exempt status.
247
00:14:09,124 --> 00:14:11,292
You will owe back taxes
for the past eight years,
248
00:14:11,861 --> 00:14:13,595
plus interest, plus fines.
249
00:14:14,362 --> 00:14:15,664
How much will that be?
250
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,299
You'll receive a letter.
251
00:14:19,267 --> 00:14:21,637
Did you bring the documentation
that we asked for?
252
00:14:36,451 --> 00:14:37,653
Shit!
253
00:14:49,164 --> 00:14:51,198
This must be
a really boring job.
254
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:55,838
I mean, no offense,
my job is really boring.
255
00:14:56,873 --> 00:15:01,778
It's a job, I enjoy myself
on evenings and weekends.
256
00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:04,378
Yeah, me too.
257
00:15:07,348 --> 00:15:08,751
Me too.
258
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:31,607
So, even the man hates the man.
259
00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:35,510
Shouldn't you be
inside right now?
260
00:15:37,211 --> 00:15:38,412
I thought we were finished.
261
00:15:38,815 --> 00:15:40,582
No, I mean
the whole vampire thing.
262
00:15:40,616 --> 00:15:42,885
I thought you weren't supposed
to be in the sunlight.
263
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,321
Don't you think
it's kind of obvious
264
00:15:47,355 --> 00:15:49,892
that an IRS agent would be
a complete fucking asshole?
265
00:15:49,926 --> 00:15:51,660
Whoa, jeez.
266
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:53,695
Don't think you get any points
for originality, though.
267
00:15:53,696 --> 00:15:57,231
Hey, I'm really sorry, my day's
just kind of a disaster.
268
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,803
Your day is a disaster?
269
00:16:06,843 --> 00:16:08,443
That was discrimination.
270
00:16:09,377 --> 00:16:10,445
What?
271
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:12,213
I'd say that that was
272
00:16:12,214 --> 00:16:13,982
a pretty neat display
of prejudice, wouldn't you?
273
00:16:13,983 --> 00:16:15,885
I think I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
274
00:16:15,918 --> 00:16:17,478
You don't need to talk
to my supervisor,
275
00:16:17,486 --> 00:16:18,721
I'm very competent at my job.
276
00:16:18,755 --> 00:16:20,254
And I'm very competent
at my job,
277
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,891
but I barely make
enough money to live.
278
00:16:21,924 --> 00:16:23,924
I didn't understand
half the forms I just turned in
279
00:16:23,926 --> 00:16:25,862
because I don't have
a law degree.
280
00:16:25,895 --> 00:16:27,764
And you think I'm a joke,
so it seems to me
281
00:16:27,765 --> 00:16:29,664
there's a pretty good chance
that you're gonna rule against
282
00:16:29,665 --> 00:16:31,834
me and make me pay money
that I don't have.
283
00:16:31,868 --> 00:16:33,803
So I'm gonna end up homeless
or in jail,
284
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:35,336
so I'm pretty fucked.
285
00:16:35,872 --> 00:16:37,439
But you're a bigot,
286
00:16:37,472 --> 00:16:39,206
so I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
287
00:16:39,675 --> 00:16:42,343
Or maybe you'd like
to rule in our favor.
288
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,646
I can't do that,
I've already handed it in.
289
00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:46,816
Okay.
290
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:48,582
So who do I talk to about
filing a discrimination report?
291
00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,453
My only job is to look at it
fairly and legally...
292
00:16:51,486 --> 00:16:53,522
Okay, so look at it harder.
293
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:56,323
Reopen the case or I would like
to talk to your supervisor.
294
00:16:56,357 --> 00:16:57,426
Okay, fine.
295
00:16:59,516 --> 00:17:00,996
I will give it
a more in depth review,
296
00:17:00,997 --> 00:17:02,965
but that's all, okay?
297
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:07,268
You need to bring me more,
everything you have.
298
00:17:07,301 --> 00:17:09,939
Paperwork, religious documents,
press clippings,
299
00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:11,606
anything that can help
establish you
300
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,508
as a legitimate organization.
301
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:16,210
- I will, I'll bring it tomorrow.
- No, bring it to me not here.
302
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:21,248
This is my personal cell phone.
303
00:17:21,616 --> 00:17:24,887
Call me on this,
do not call me at the office.
304
00:17:26,789 --> 00:17:29,859
Meet me at a bar or something,
anything not here.
305
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:32,995
This has to be before Monday.
306
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:46,508
You know,
307
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:48,375
Raul is leaving
at the end of this month.
308
00:17:49,779 --> 00:17:53,247
There's just two people
they'd give his job to.
309
00:17:55,382 --> 00:17:56,651
Oh, I don't know.
310
00:17:56,686 --> 00:17:58,419
You've been here
a lot longer than I have.
311
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,321
That's right, I have.
312
00:18:03,092 --> 00:18:05,695
That I'm a vampire is
a physical fact, yes,
313
00:18:05,728 --> 00:18:08,898
but it's also
a spiritual calling.
314
00:18:08,931 --> 00:18:10,264
It's a religion.
315
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:14,669
It connects me
to my higher self.
316
00:18:25,547 --> 00:18:27,049
Hey, Mom. It's me.
317
00:18:28,785 --> 00:18:30,720
I got your voice messages.
318
00:18:31,285 --> 00:18:32,955
I'm sorry that I missed you,
319
00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:34,957
it's the middle
of the night there, obviously.
320
00:18:34,991 --> 00:18:38,027
I was on a date, actually.
321
00:18:43,966 --> 00:18:45,332
Just a minute.
322
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:50,504
Hey, roomie.
323
00:18:50,773 --> 00:18:51,773
Hi.
324
00:18:52,775 --> 00:18:53,876
Can I help you?
325
00:18:54,710 --> 00:18:55,711
Touch it.
326
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:02,651
It's greasy.
327
00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:05,386
It's okay,
we'll get used to each other.
328
00:19:05,419 --> 00:19:07,723
You gotta work at it
like a marriage.
329
00:19:08,057 --> 00:19:10,059
Good thing we both did
so well at that, then.
330
00:19:11,593 --> 00:19:12,762
Okay.
331
00:19:14,163 --> 00:19:15,497
- Night, roomie.
- Night.
332
00:19:27,910 --> 00:19:28,978
Are you drinking?
333
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:34,616
I don't drink... wine.
334
00:19:40,122 --> 00:19:42,124
This doesn't seem like
your kinda place.
335
00:19:42,158 --> 00:19:43,558
What's my kinda place?
336
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:46,328
Well, it's a vegan cafe, so.
337
00:19:54,036 --> 00:19:55,872
That's everything
I could think of.
338
00:19:56,271 --> 00:20:00,042
Sample donor contracts,
rules about blood tests.
339
00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:01,610
I printed out the vampire codex
340
00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:03,779
which is a little bit
like our Bible.
341
00:20:03,813 --> 00:20:04,847
Great.
342
00:20:05,848 --> 00:20:07,750
I will see what I can do.
343
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:15,725
Can I ask you a question
off the record?
344
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,161
Do you really drink blood?
345
00:20:21,163 --> 00:20:22,164
Yes.
346
00:20:23,665 --> 00:20:24,700
Why?
347
00:20:28,570 --> 00:20:31,908
Okay, so,
we have a biological condition
348
00:20:31,941 --> 00:20:34,643
that's basically an inability
to create enough energy,
349
00:20:34,677 --> 00:20:36,979
so blood is the physical
manifestation of energy,
350
00:20:37,013 --> 00:20:39,048
that's the thing
that flows through us.
351
00:20:39,081 --> 00:20:42,018
So we have to supplement
our own energy
352
00:20:42,051 --> 00:20:43,585
by feeding on donors.
353
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:47,589
Well what do you want me to say?
354
00:20:47,590 --> 00:20:48,924
We live in New York
in the 21st century.
355
00:20:48,925 --> 00:20:50,960
I was sick all the time
as a kid.
356
00:20:50,993 --> 00:20:53,095
I went to a lot of doctors
and nothing helped.
357
00:20:53,129 --> 00:20:54,864
When I started drinking blood,
I got better.
358
00:20:54,897 --> 00:20:56,564
How else do you explain that?
359
00:20:56,799 --> 00:20:58,633
Did you try vitamins?
360
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:01,103
Maybe you just have a...
run-of-the-mill iron deficiency.
361
00:21:01,137 --> 00:21:04,239
That's nice, maybe later I could
take pot shots at your beliefs.
362
00:21:04,272 --> 00:21:06,108
I don't think
I have any beliefs.
363
00:21:11,881 --> 00:21:13,181
You must think I'm such a...
364
00:21:13,849 --> 00:21:14,884
A what?
365
00:21:16,251 --> 00:21:17,787
An IRS agent.
366
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,690
I mean, I am, obviously,
an IRS agent,
367
00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:22,792
but I... I, do other things.
368
00:21:23,726 --> 00:21:24,894
You know, I...
369
00:21:27,595 --> 00:21:28,630
read.
370
00:21:38,273 --> 00:21:39,641
You're kind of a weirdo.
371
00:21:52,587 --> 00:21:54,255
Thank you for escorting me.
372
00:21:55,992 --> 00:21:57,525
I will give it a fair look.
373
00:21:58,127 --> 00:21:59,762
It doesn't make any sense to me,
374
00:21:59,795 --> 00:22:01,596
but if drinking blood
makes you feel better,
375
00:22:01,897 --> 00:22:03,065
then who am I to...
376
00:22:03,099 --> 00:22:04,265
Thanks.
377
00:22:06,267 --> 00:22:08,536
I mean, I'm just gonna reopen
the case for review,
378
00:22:08,570 --> 00:22:10,039
- I can't...
- I know,
379
00:22:10,072 --> 00:22:13,042
but I appreciate you
breaking the rules for me.
380
00:22:28,356 --> 00:22:30,592
- Uhm...
- Uh... I have to go.
381
00:22:30,625 --> 00:22:31,961
Wait, okay, sure. Uhm...
382
00:22:31,994 --> 00:22:33,561
I... did you just?
383
00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:35,263
No, I just,
I think I really have to go.
384
00:22:36,264 --> 00:22:37,665
No, wait!
385
00:22:38,768 --> 00:22:41,636
What do you have in your church?
386
00:22:41,669 --> 00:22:43,304
Do you have like services, or?
387
00:22:44,639 --> 00:22:46,108
We have meetings.
388
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:49,011
Maybe you could,
do you want to invite me to one?
389
00:22:50,278 --> 00:22:51,781
For the case.
390
00:22:52,347 --> 00:22:54,116
I just think
that it would be good
391
00:22:54,150 --> 00:22:56,651
if I could see more
of what it is that you do.
392
00:22:56,986 --> 00:22:58,219
- Fine.
- Great.
393
00:22:58,988 --> 00:23:00,089
Text me?
394
00:23:01,322 --> 00:23:02,590
Goodnight.
395
00:23:04,093 --> 00:23:05,193
Goodnight!
396
00:23:47,235 --> 00:23:48,838
I thought
it was an open-shut case.
397
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,373
Right, yeah,
it's just it's my first church.
398
00:23:52,741 --> 00:23:55,343
And this would be a good notch
in your bed post.
399
00:23:55,945 --> 00:23:58,613
- This one.
- I know, I wanna do a good job.
400
00:23:58,981 --> 00:24:00,015
Good!
401
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:03,052
Hey, I don't know if you
saw the Facebook invite,
402
00:24:03,085 --> 00:24:05,253
but there's a company picnic
in a few weeks.
403
00:24:05,286 --> 00:24:06,621
Oh, yeah.
404
00:24:07,056 --> 00:24:08,858
Pam and I would be happy
to come pick you up
405
00:24:08,891 --> 00:24:10,211
and give you a ride
if you wanted.
406
00:24:10,391 --> 00:24:12,193
Oh, I didn't know you had a car.
407
00:24:13,228 --> 00:24:15,831
No, I don't.
408
00:24:18,399 --> 00:24:19,969
Sounds great, Tim.
409
00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:25,007
Okay.
410
00:24:51,133 --> 00:24:53,002
Oh, fucker!
411
00:24:53,569 --> 00:24:55,437
I became obsessed.
412
00:24:55,471 --> 00:24:56,906
What is going on?
413
00:24:57,973 --> 00:24:59,975
We put the videos up
an hour ago.
414
00:25:00,009 --> 00:25:01,242
Stare at the blood.
415
00:25:01,644 --> 00:25:03,378
I just knew.
416
00:25:03,411 --> 00:25:06,381
Like you know you need to sleep.
417
00:25:06,414 --> 00:25:09,317
That I needed to taste it.
418
00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:12,121
If you say anything,
I'll hit you.
419
00:25:13,155 --> 00:25:15,024
We read the comments section.
420
00:25:15,057 --> 00:25:17,225
Who the fuck are these people?
421
00:25:17,626 --> 00:25:19,828
Are they just waiting
by their computers
422
00:25:19,862 --> 00:25:21,997
for someone they can rip
open with their teeth?
423
00:25:22,297 --> 00:25:23,937
Chrissy got into a fight
with one of them.
424
00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:27,469
He kept telling people
we sleep in coffins.
425
00:25:27,503 --> 00:25:29,772
Where do you think
he heard that?
426
00:25:29,805 --> 00:25:31,073
Fucking Stacz.
427
00:25:35,110 --> 00:25:36,712
We're going to Regan's ball.
428
00:25:37,513 --> 00:25:40,381
We have to get Stacz
to help us with the audit.
429
00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:42,985
He has people everywhere.
430
00:25:43,018 --> 00:25:45,286
He could get someone
to help us if he wanted.
431
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,387
No.
432
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:48,389
This is his fault.
433
00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:50,893
- He has to, he should...
- I am not asking him for...
434
00:25:50,926 --> 00:25:52,360
I'll ask him.
435
00:25:55,431 --> 00:25:56,966
I'm not going.
436
00:25:59,234 --> 00:26:00,502
Do you have a better idea?
437
00:26:15,416 --> 00:26:17,218
I'm gonna bring
the IRS guy then.
438
00:26:17,252 --> 00:26:21,189
He wants to know what vampires
are like for the case.
439
00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:00,896
It's James, right?
440
00:27:00,929 --> 00:27:02,097
Thayer.
441
00:27:02,131 --> 00:27:03,298
James Thayer.
442
00:27:03,331 --> 00:27:05,968
Hello, James Thayer.
443
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:08,871
And so... what's
your position in the church?
444
00:27:08,904 --> 00:27:10,405
Are you the leader?
445
00:27:10,439 --> 00:27:12,875
We're in an egalitarian group,
I'm just the...
446
00:27:12,908 --> 00:27:14,309
It was her idea.
447
00:27:14,744 --> 00:27:17,146
And... where are we going?
448
00:27:17,946 --> 00:27:20,082
The Court of Dreams.
449
00:27:20,115 --> 00:27:23,284
It's the governing body of all
the vampire houses in the city.
450
00:27:23,318 --> 00:27:24,953
Not ours.
451
00:27:24,987 --> 00:27:26,855
These are not our vampires.
452
00:27:26,889 --> 00:27:28,289
We broke off eight years ago
453
00:27:28,323 --> 00:27:30,391
because these vampires
are fucking insane.
454
00:27:30,426 --> 00:27:34,362
Whoa, that's that
vampire chick from YouTube.
455
00:27:34,395 --> 00:27:38,399
Ayo, vampire lady, you wanna
come sleep in my coffin?
456
00:27:39,334 --> 00:27:41,036
Only 103 people saw that video,
457
00:27:41,070 --> 00:27:42,838
and that fucking guy's
one of them.
458
00:27:43,172 --> 00:27:45,140
Hey, are you that guy?
459
00:27:45,607 --> 00:27:46,875
Chrissy.
460
00:27:47,208 --> 00:27:49,578
I said I don't sleep in coffins.
461
00:27:49,611 --> 00:27:51,346
We don't sleep in coffins.
462
00:27:51,379 --> 00:27:52,981
Write that down.
463
00:27:53,015 --> 00:27:54,349
He's not my boy, he's a dipshit.
464
00:27:54,382 --> 00:27:55,584
Can't that lady just back off?
465
00:27:55,617 --> 00:27:56,618
Calm down, Wackula.
466
00:27:58,419 --> 00:28:00,321
He had a lot of friends
with them.
467
00:28:08,196 --> 00:28:12,000
Mistress Christine Berman.
468
00:28:12,034 --> 00:28:15,203
Former elder
of the Court of Dreams.
469
00:28:16,337 --> 00:28:19,307
Mistress Sarah.
470
00:28:19,541 --> 00:28:22,377
Former bride
of the King of Kings
471
00:28:22,410 --> 00:28:24,278
of the House Pont Du Lac.
472
00:28:27,149 --> 00:28:29,084
And their guest.
473
00:28:31,153 --> 00:28:33,589
Jesus, don't pop a boner.
474
00:28:48,971 --> 00:28:51,039
Do mine eyes deceive me?
475
00:28:51,073 --> 00:28:53,108
How longst has it been?
476
00:28:53,710 --> 00:28:56,044
Still doing
the Shakespeare thing, huh?
477
00:28:58,046 --> 00:28:59,114
Lady.
478
00:28:59,148 --> 00:29:00,549
- Is this blood?
- No.
479
00:29:04,052 --> 00:29:07,122
Ugh! Did I mention there's
no alcohol at these things?
480
00:29:09,158 --> 00:29:11,660
Barrel of laughs this crowd is.
481
00:29:11,694 --> 00:29:13,128
How often does this happen?
482
00:29:13,162 --> 00:29:14,496
About once a month.
483
00:29:18,199 --> 00:29:19,468
Christine.
484
00:29:21,335 --> 00:29:22,335
Alice.
485
00:29:22,604 --> 00:29:23,706
Regan.
486
00:29:24,272 --> 00:29:25,574
Regan.
487
00:29:25,909 --> 00:29:28,745
She changed her name to Regan
because it means queen.
488
00:29:28,778 --> 00:29:30,178
Sarah.
489
00:29:30,211 --> 00:29:31,580
Regan.
490
00:29:31,613 --> 00:29:34,516
It is a surprise
to see you once more
491
00:29:34,550 --> 00:29:35,984
amongst our number.
492
00:29:36,452 --> 00:29:38,352
And who's this?
493
00:29:38,386 --> 00:29:41,056
Have you finally found
a boyfriend?
494
00:29:41,557 --> 00:29:43,391
Not Sarah's boyfriend.
495
00:29:43,625 --> 00:29:46,628
This is James,
he's our black swan.
496
00:29:48,262 --> 00:29:50,599
It's just a mundane
who's cool about vampires.
497
00:29:50,632 --> 00:29:53,168
- A mundane?
- Non-vampire.
498
00:29:53,201 --> 00:29:54,402
You mean like a muggle?
499
00:29:54,436 --> 00:29:57,072
I'm Sarah's ex-husband.
500
00:29:59,307 --> 00:30:02,243
Congratulations
on your new internet fame.
501
00:30:02,276 --> 00:30:03,713
I'm sure you're enjoying that.
502
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,181
Can be a burden
sometimes too, though.
503
00:30:07,784 --> 00:30:10,052
The elders are not happy
504
00:30:10,085 --> 00:30:12,320
about your unapproved
internet appearance.
505
00:30:12,353 --> 00:30:14,122
I figured.
506
00:30:14,156 --> 00:30:17,760
I am the approved media contact
for this community.
507
00:30:17,794 --> 00:30:20,394
And you're just jeopardizing
the privacy of every...
508
00:30:20,429 --> 00:30:22,330
I'm jeopardizing?
509
00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:24,500
We're being audited
because of you.
510
00:30:24,834 --> 00:30:27,536
Yeah, and you could be next.
511
00:30:27,904 --> 00:30:29,671
Can we go somewhere and talk?
512
00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:41,650
That's your ex-husband?
513
00:30:42,651 --> 00:30:43,652
Yeah.
514
00:30:45,454 --> 00:30:46,756
It's my...
515
00:30:47,556 --> 00:30:49,223
It's my mom.
516
00:30:49,257 --> 00:30:51,660
I have an ex, too, wife.
517
00:30:52,461 --> 00:30:54,663
I married her
because she wanted me to.
518
00:30:54,998 --> 00:30:57,231
No, because I mean
my mom wanted me to.
519
00:30:57,265 --> 00:31:00,334
She... just suffocates me.
520
00:31:02,236 --> 00:31:06,240
You know, I believe
in a sensual approach to life.
521
00:31:06,274 --> 00:31:08,577
If it feels good, do it.
522
00:31:08,610 --> 00:31:10,579
- So I said, go...
- I'm not that interested
523
00:31:10,612 --> 00:31:12,481
in the blood itself,
524
00:31:12,514 --> 00:31:15,416
I'm more drawn
to the darker aspects, you know.
525
00:31:15,952 --> 00:31:18,654
These people are completely
out of their minds.
526
00:31:18,888 --> 00:31:20,757
You have no idea.
527
00:31:22,591 --> 00:31:24,191
What?
528
00:31:24,192 --> 00:31:25,694
No, I just, it struck me
that there was nothing
529
00:31:25,695 --> 00:31:27,596
that I can do in this room
that would make me
530
00:31:27,629 --> 00:31:29,131
the weirdest person here.
531
00:31:29,799 --> 00:31:30,800
Hold that.
532
00:31:40,877 --> 00:31:42,176
Yeah, yeah!
533
00:32:06,836 --> 00:32:08,771
I always wanted to do that
at a party.
534
00:32:08,805 --> 00:32:10,672
- Okay.
- It looked better in my head.
535
00:32:10,907 --> 00:32:13,274
Sarah, I really like
your blue hair.
536
00:32:13,542 --> 00:32:14,542
Oh.
537
00:32:14,711 --> 00:32:16,344
No, please, listen.
538
00:32:17,278 --> 00:32:20,381
The other night when we were
standing by the subway, I...
539
00:32:22,451 --> 00:32:24,687
I've never met
anyone like you, ever.
540
00:32:26,455 --> 00:32:28,758
I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.
541
00:32:31,928 --> 00:32:33,327
We have to go.
542
00:32:33,361 --> 00:32:34,731
Oh, no,
no, no, no. Stay.
543
00:32:34,764 --> 00:32:36,263
Please!
544
00:32:36,297 --> 00:32:38,232
I mean,
we'd love to hear more about how
545
00:32:38,265 --> 00:32:41,202
after you stage
this dramatic little secession,
546
00:32:41,235 --> 00:32:43,171
now you need our help.
547
00:32:43,204 --> 00:32:44,506
You're right.
548
00:32:44,539 --> 00:32:46,441
Thanks for reminding me
why we left.
549
00:32:47,476 --> 00:32:48,745
Buh bye.
550
00:32:49,012 --> 00:32:50,612
Bye, thanks, nice party.
551
00:32:53,482 --> 00:32:54,415
Carry on.
552
00:32:54,449 --> 00:32:55,752
Rex Lamia!
553
00:32:56,753 --> 00:32:58,319
Thanks for coming.
554
00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,072
I'm sure you'll be in touch
about the audit.
555
00:33:06,896 --> 00:33:08,865
You said he was here
for the audit.
556
00:33:08,898 --> 00:33:10,364
He was.
557
00:33:10,398 --> 00:33:12,567
Tell me that was
just to help the case.
558
00:33:13,568 --> 00:33:14,568
It was.
559
00:33:15,170 --> 00:33:18,941
For eight years you don't date
a single person, not one,
560
00:33:19,340 --> 00:33:22,343
and now you're making eyes
at that guy?
561
00:33:22,376 --> 00:33:24,311
I wasn't making eyes at him.
562
00:33:24,345 --> 00:33:27,817
Were you not there when Lily
was crying her guts out?
563
00:33:27,850 --> 00:33:29,283
I know.
564
00:33:29,618 --> 00:33:31,988
You think that guy's gonna
be able to handle this?
565
00:33:32,021 --> 00:33:34,355
You think there's something
special about him.
566
00:33:34,388 --> 00:33:35,758
Or special about you.
567
00:33:35,792 --> 00:33:38,259
That this isn't gonna go
the same fucking way
568
00:33:38,292 --> 00:33:39,260
it always goes...
569
00:33:39,293 --> 00:33:40,797
No, I don't.
570
00:33:41,864 --> 00:33:43,297
It was nothing.
571
00:33:44,701 --> 00:33:46,568
You're the one
who wants me to have sex.
572
00:33:46,601 --> 00:33:47,669
I saw your face.
573
00:33:48,537 --> 00:33:50,639
This is about more than sex.
574
00:33:53,642 --> 00:33:54,744
I love you.
575
00:33:55,577 --> 00:33:57,344
Don't be an idiot.
576
00:34:03,518 --> 00:34:05,386
As healers
577
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:08,991
of the light, we have
fellowship with one another
578
00:34:09,025 --> 00:34:12,594
and the blood of Jesus, his son,
579
00:34:12,627 --> 00:34:15,262
purifies us from all sin.
580
00:34:15,965 --> 00:34:18,667
For the life
of the flesh is in blood.
581
00:34:19,434 --> 00:34:22,972
And he hath given it
to you upon the altar
582
00:34:23,005 --> 00:34:25,406
to make an atonement
for your souls.
583
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:26,407
Shh!
584
00:34:26,441 --> 00:34:27,877
For it is the blood
585
00:34:27,910 --> 00:34:30,277
that maketh thy atoned
for the soul.
586
00:34:30,311 --> 00:34:32,715
He has delivered his son...
587
00:35:03,512 --> 00:35:06,481
- And transfer to the kingdom.
- Yeah!
588
00:35:06,515 --> 00:35:09,085
- Of his beloved son.
- Yeah!
589
00:35:09,118 --> 00:35:10,887
And can we have redemption...
590
00:35:26,869 --> 00:35:31,372
I think it would go faster
if you... as well.
591
00:35:40,649 --> 00:35:44,020
I'm sorry, I thought
this would be more, I mean.
592
00:35:44,053 --> 00:35:45,620
I figured nobody
would see us here.
593
00:35:45,654 --> 00:35:47,556
I mean, not nobody,
but you know.
594
00:35:48,456 --> 00:35:49,959
Yeah, that's fine.
595
00:35:50,225 --> 00:35:54,697
No, I meant if we wanted to say
anything related to your case.
596
00:35:57,934 --> 00:35:59,702
Is that what we're doing here?
597
00:36:01,436 --> 00:36:03,005
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
598
00:36:03,039 --> 00:36:05,007
This is... auditing 101.
599
00:36:15,985 --> 00:36:18,688
So, with the donors,
600
00:36:19,321 --> 00:36:21,623
is it always like
a sexual thing, or...?
601
00:36:21,656 --> 00:36:23,390
No, I mean, it can be,
602
00:36:23,424 --> 00:36:25,427
but mostly
they just wanna be donors.
603
00:36:26,461 --> 00:36:27,629
And do you have a donor?
604
00:36:28,395 --> 00:36:31,633
No. I'm sorry,
I think maybe we should go back.
605
00:36:32,034 --> 00:36:34,704
- What, why?
- No, it's fine, I just...
606
00:36:35,171 --> 00:36:37,106
I think maybe we should do this
at your office.
607
00:36:37,139 --> 00:36:38,040
Oh, really?
608
00:36:38,074 --> 00:36:39,074
Yeah.
609
00:36:40,843 --> 00:36:43,846
Didn't you say that you wanted
to hang out?
610
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:45,848
Yeah, I just,
it was a stupid idea.
611
00:36:45,882 --> 00:36:49,517
I think I just...
I just thought that, you know,
612
00:36:49,551 --> 00:36:51,519
like last night we had,
613
00:36:51,553 --> 00:36:54,489
and I think I just really badly
misread the situation,
614
00:36:54,522 --> 00:36:55,825
so if...
615
00:36:56,092 --> 00:36:57,760
- What?
- No, I just, I...
616
00:36:58,094 --> 00:36:59,594
I thought that maybe
you liked me,
617
00:36:59,628 --> 00:37:01,063
which was stupid obviously.
618
00:37:01,097 --> 00:37:02,965
- I do, I do like you.
- No, you don't.
619
00:37:08,070 --> 00:37:09,471
Look, I'm...
620
00:37:10,338 --> 00:37:12,074
I'm sorry, I don't know
why I brought you,
621
00:37:12,108 --> 00:37:13,109
I'm a complete spaz.
622
00:37:13,675 --> 00:37:15,978
When I suggested
the paddle boats
623
00:37:16,012 --> 00:37:17,914
because I thought
they would be romantic,
624
00:37:17,947 --> 00:37:20,783
which clearly they're not.
625
00:37:26,856 --> 00:37:31,027
I think if you like me
it's only 'cause I'm a vampire.
626
00:37:31,060 --> 00:37:32,995
I mean, I know
that's the most...
627
00:37:33,029 --> 00:37:34,496
interesting thing
about me, but...
628
00:37:34,529 --> 00:37:35,831
I'm sure it isn't
629
00:37:35,865 --> 00:37:37,305
the most interesting thing
about you.
630
00:37:37,833 --> 00:37:38,935
Please.
631
00:37:39,467 --> 00:37:40,970
Please, tell me
something about you
632
00:37:41,003 --> 00:37:42,570
that is not vampire-related.
633
00:37:45,975 --> 00:37:47,777
I learned
two very important things
634
00:37:47,810 --> 00:37:49,145
from my marriage.
635
00:37:50,278 --> 00:37:51,781
Tell me.
636
00:37:51,814 --> 00:37:54,449
Don't get a facial tattoo
when you're 16
637
00:37:54,917 --> 00:37:57,153
and don't marry
the guy who inks you.
638
00:37:57,185 --> 00:37:58,854
I think it's great.
639
00:38:00,655 --> 00:38:03,558
Yeah, well, I hate it, so.
640
00:38:03,591 --> 00:38:06,194
No, really, I think it's...
641
00:38:07,562 --> 00:38:09,131
I think it's very cool.
642
00:38:10,231 --> 00:38:11,232
Really.
643
00:38:12,001 --> 00:38:13,135
It's like,
644
00:38:13,635 --> 00:38:17,572
"Hey everyone, I have blue hair
and a tattoo on my face."
645
00:38:17,605 --> 00:38:19,607
You're like, "Yeah, what?"
646
00:38:21,744 --> 00:38:23,178
That was the idea.
647
00:38:24,113 --> 00:38:25,815
I think you're really beautiful.
648
00:38:31,286 --> 00:38:33,089
I haven't had sex
in eight years.
649
00:38:34,656 --> 00:38:36,826
Oh. I thought I was bad.
650
00:38:40,683 --> 00:38:42,563
Can I kiss you now?
I really can't stop thinking
651
00:38:42,564 --> 00:38:43,665
about kissing you.
652
00:38:47,737 --> 00:38:49,604
Wait, you're not gonna bite me,
are you?
653
00:38:50,106 --> 00:38:51,173
We don't bite.
654
00:38:51,206 --> 00:38:52,674
It's not sanitary.
655
00:38:55,111 --> 00:38:56,277
I'll try it, then.
656
00:39:05,955 --> 00:39:07,222
Just out of curiosity,
657
00:39:07,255 --> 00:39:10,693
how do you extract
the blood then?
658
00:39:11,326 --> 00:39:13,561
Lancets, razorblades,
659
00:39:13,595 --> 00:39:17,599
this special needle you can only
get at the vet's office.
660
00:39:25,074 --> 00:39:26,241
Is this okay?
661
00:39:36,819 --> 00:39:37,953
You gonna get that?
662
00:39:37,987 --> 00:39:39,220
No.
663
00:39:44,192 --> 00:39:47,897
Why is there a stuffed robot
beside your bed?
664
00:39:49,131 --> 00:39:50,131
Could you not?
665
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:51,800
What?
666
00:39:53,668 --> 00:39:55,838
- Please, Mellowtron...
- His name is Mellowtron?
667
00:39:56,172 --> 00:39:57,238
No.
668
00:39:58,373 --> 00:40:00,142
Yes, could you just...
669
00:40:03,112 --> 00:40:04,312
Who are you?
670
00:40:04,345 --> 00:40:05,647
What do you mean?
671
00:40:07,315 --> 00:40:08,951
Who are you?
672
00:40:11,020 --> 00:40:12,955
Ulysses is my favorite book.
673
00:40:15,190 --> 00:40:16,190
Okay.
674
00:40:17,059 --> 00:40:18,127
You want?
675
00:40:20,195 --> 00:40:21,329
Fine.
676
00:40:23,866 --> 00:40:27,202
I like The Bachelor,
it's my favorite TV show.
677
00:40:27,235 --> 00:40:29,237
I don't think
I've ever said that out loud
678
00:40:29,472 --> 00:40:30,973
to another human being.
679
00:40:33,776 --> 00:40:35,077
What else?
680
00:40:35,945 --> 00:40:37,245
What do you mean?
681
00:40:38,047 --> 00:40:39,214
Dunno.
682
00:40:39,247 --> 00:40:40,816
What do you want from me?
683
00:40:40,850 --> 00:40:43,018
I'm a vampire.
Tell me something weirder.
684
00:40:43,486 --> 00:40:45,121
I thought
we were gonna have sex.
685
00:40:45,154 --> 00:40:46,689
We are.
686
00:40:48,858 --> 00:40:49,859
Lie down.
687
00:41:01,170 --> 00:41:03,105
My mom calls me all the time.
688
00:41:05,107 --> 00:41:06,674
You a mama's boy?
689
00:41:06,709 --> 00:41:09,310
No, God, she's just lonely,
I'm all she has.
690
00:41:15,951 --> 00:41:17,218
I want more.
691
00:41:22,158 --> 00:41:23,424
My dad...
692
00:41:24,426 --> 00:41:26,162
left when I was seven.
693
00:41:27,062 --> 00:41:28,998
Legs open, please.
694
00:41:31,299 --> 00:41:34,669
He gave me Mellowtron
before he left.
695
00:41:36,972 --> 00:41:39,708
I used to sit for hours
in my bedroom
696
00:41:40,876 --> 00:41:44,212
pretending I was
a robot just like him.
697
00:41:45,814 --> 00:41:49,051
I thought that if I could
just not feel anything
698
00:41:49,084 --> 00:41:51,120
or want anything or do anything
699
00:41:51,153 --> 00:41:53,822
except make
the next rational decision
700
00:41:55,223 --> 00:41:58,093
then nothing could hurt me
and no one would leave me.
701
00:42:00,462 --> 00:42:02,330
I thought I would spend
my whole life
702
00:42:02,363 --> 00:42:04,833
trying to prove to my mom that
I'm a better man than he is.
703
00:42:06,135 --> 00:42:07,770
So prove it.
704
00:42:34,930 --> 00:42:37,066
Is there a woman
in your bedroom?
705
00:42:37,398 --> 00:42:38,434
Uh, yes.
706
00:42:39,935 --> 00:42:41,503
I could hear you.
707
00:42:42,270 --> 00:42:44,006
I could hear you.
708
00:42:46,575 --> 00:42:51,312
Just because you have no regard
for the sanctity of marriage,
709
00:42:51,346 --> 00:42:54,450
you may think that you can
come into my place of work
710
00:42:54,483 --> 00:42:57,987
and make love to Tim
and steal a promotion
711
00:42:58,020 --> 00:42:59,888
that I have been working
years for.
712
00:42:59,922 --> 00:43:03,258
But this is my home,
it is sacred.
713
00:43:05,461 --> 00:43:07,162
I'm going to take a shower.
714
00:43:08,130 --> 00:43:11,399
I'd like her to be gone
by the time I'm out.
715
00:43:23,846 --> 00:43:25,147
No, no, no, no, one minute.
716
00:43:25,179 --> 00:43:27,950
She's my coworker
and I'm auditing you.
717
00:43:27,983 --> 00:43:29,551
What, what if she'd seen you?
718
00:43:29,585 --> 00:43:31,319
I could be in so much trouble.
719
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,554
We had sex, do you know how much
trouble I could get into?
720
00:43:33,555 --> 00:43:35,090
Sarah.
721
00:43:35,124 --> 00:43:36,825
Sarah.
722
00:43:36,826 --> 00:43:38,559
Are you aware of the state
of the economy right now?
723
00:43:38,560 --> 00:43:39,928
Why are you being like this?
724
00:43:39,962 --> 00:43:41,229
I knew you couldn't handle it.
725
00:43:41,230 --> 00:43:42,630
You're blowing this
outta proportion.
726
00:43:42,631 --> 00:43:45,233
You have no idea
what it is like to be me.
727
00:43:45,266 --> 00:43:46,468
To have people stare at me
728
00:43:46,502 --> 00:43:48,269
from the second
I leave my house!
729
00:43:48,270 --> 00:43:49,403
Maybe they're staring at you
because you are yelling
730
00:43:49,404 --> 00:43:50,370
in the middle of the sidewalk.
731
00:43:50,371 --> 00:43:51,440
Hello.
732
00:43:52,074 --> 00:43:53,274
Hello.
733
00:43:53,509 --> 00:43:54,810
Hello.
734
00:43:55,243 --> 00:43:56,578
- Look, can we just...
- No.
735
00:43:56,912 --> 00:43:59,148
- I am not...
- Do you even like your job?
736
00:43:59,882 --> 00:44:01,016
I'm good at it.
737
00:44:01,718 --> 00:44:03,952
No, I hate it, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
738
00:44:03,986 --> 00:44:05,554
I loathe every second
that I am there.
739
00:44:05,587 --> 00:44:06,922
Yeah, I know, you're right.
740
00:44:06,955 --> 00:44:08,356
We can't have you
losing that job.
741
00:44:08,891 --> 00:44:10,926
I'm sorry I panicked,
but it's all I have.
742
00:44:10,959 --> 00:44:12,494
Except you,
I don't wanna lose you.
743
00:44:12,528 --> 00:44:13,996
You're great.
You are so beautiful.
744
00:44:14,029 --> 00:44:16,264
Would you please
just stop saying that?
745
00:44:16,297 --> 00:44:19,034
It's like telling a man with
a small penis how big it is,
746
00:44:19,068 --> 00:44:20,869
it's just embarrassing
for everyone.
747
00:44:20,903 --> 00:44:22,337
What? No, look.
748
00:44:22,971 --> 00:44:24,573
That first night, by the subway,
749
00:44:24,606 --> 00:44:27,443
this is gonna sound...
Oh, God, I dunno.
750
00:44:27,910 --> 00:44:30,244
I had this, it was so real,
751
00:44:30,245 --> 00:44:32,212
it was like I knew something
about you, about us...
752
00:44:32,213 --> 00:44:33,247
I only just met you.
753
00:44:33,982 --> 00:44:36,618
I know,
I wasn't gonna say anything
754
00:44:36,639 --> 00:44:37,919
because I didn't
wanna sound like
755
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:39,420
some lunatic stalker person.
756
00:44:40,489 --> 00:44:42,091
You know what, I don't care.
757
00:44:42,124 --> 00:44:44,960
I want to be
your lunatic stalker person!
758
00:44:49,565 --> 00:44:51,366
Okay, so what?
759
00:44:51,367 --> 00:44:52,701
So you wanna go out with me
but I have to be a secret?
760
00:44:52,702 --> 00:44:54,235
You're not a secret.
761
00:44:54,578 --> 00:44:56,938
Until your audit case is closed
you just probably can't stay
762
00:44:56,939 --> 00:44:58,040
at my place.
763
00:44:58,708 --> 00:45:00,208
And after the audit's over?
764
00:45:00,542 --> 00:45:02,111
I only just met you.
765
00:45:03,244 --> 00:45:04,345
Fine.
766
00:45:06,615 --> 00:45:08,083
What are you doing?
767
00:45:08,117 --> 00:45:10,418
I just...
I wanna remember this moment.
768
00:45:12,488 --> 00:45:14,355
- Wait, look.
- What?
769
00:45:14,389 --> 00:45:16,992
I thought vampires weren't
supposed to... maybe you're not.
770
00:45:17,626 --> 00:45:19,061
Dickwad.
771
00:45:19,094 --> 00:45:20,462
Wait, what did you call me?
772
00:45:54,463 --> 00:45:56,965
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
773
00:46:31,667 --> 00:46:33,068
Ugh!
774
00:46:33,101 --> 00:46:34,704
My parents
don't talk to me anymore
775
00:46:34,737 --> 00:46:37,105
so they send me
shitty presents instead.
776
00:46:37,473 --> 00:46:40,308
And so this is what?
A perverse pile of despair?
777
00:46:45,614 --> 00:46:48,249
Maybe you're lucky
they don't talk to you.
778
00:46:49,551 --> 00:46:52,286
I had to move continents
to get away from mine.
779
00:47:18,547 --> 00:47:21,650
Junior year in high school.
780
00:47:22,685 --> 00:47:24,620
I'd never had a boyfriend.
781
00:47:25,454 --> 00:47:28,356
No one had ever liked me
liked me at all.
782
00:47:29,357 --> 00:47:35,063
Wasn't pretty or funny
or loud, I just was...
783
00:47:37,099 --> 00:47:40,469
But there was this boy, Kyle.
784
00:47:41,470 --> 00:47:43,639
He had glasses, he was nice.
785
00:47:44,807 --> 00:47:48,778
A lot of the girls were in love
with him, but I was his friend.
786
00:47:50,747 --> 00:47:55,216
And so for two years
I'd watch him date other girls
787
00:47:55,249 --> 00:47:57,619
and talk to him about them.
788
00:47:57,653 --> 00:48:00,690
And I waited,
knowing that eventually
789
00:48:00,723 --> 00:48:03,125
he'd realize I'd been there
all along.
790
00:48:04,827 --> 00:48:06,128
I know.
791
00:48:08,865 --> 00:48:11,868
So this one day in drama class
we were playing
792
00:48:11,901 --> 00:48:16,370
this game that was
hide and seek basically,
793
00:48:16,404 --> 00:48:21,109
and I found this great hiding
spot way up above the stage.
794
00:48:21,811 --> 00:48:25,147
So the game went on and they
found everybody except me.
795
00:48:27,181 --> 00:48:31,252
And then they started
celebrating because everyone,
796
00:48:31,721 --> 00:48:35,557
including the teacher,
including Kyle,
797
00:48:36,158 --> 00:48:39,127
had forgotten
that I was in the class.
798
00:48:42,464 --> 00:48:46,200
So on my 16th birthday
I got my driver's license,
799
00:48:47,469 --> 00:48:51,473
the next day,
I got a tattoo on my face.
800
00:48:53,542 --> 00:48:54,877
I told Stacz.
801
00:48:58,881 --> 00:49:01,415
I told Stacz to make me
look fierce.
802
00:49:02,752 --> 00:49:05,153
And I didn't know
who Mike Tyson was,
803
00:49:05,186 --> 00:49:08,457
so that's been
a thing every day since.
804
00:49:12,393 --> 00:49:14,596
I figured no one
would ever like me.
805
00:49:15,798 --> 00:49:17,867
But at least
they wouldn't forget me.
806
00:50:27,737 --> 00:50:29,906
So, uhm...
807
00:50:30,940 --> 00:50:33,876
I know you probably don't wanna
hear this right now, but...
808
00:50:34,241 --> 00:50:35,778
I have a husband.
809
00:50:36,377 --> 00:50:39,380
Yeah, what the hell do I care?
810
00:50:40,783 --> 00:50:41,851
Right.
811
00:50:43,019 --> 00:50:44,351
- Bye.
- Bye.
812
00:50:48,355 --> 00:50:49,624
Did you drink her blood?
813
00:51:00,803 --> 00:51:03,005
I got my temp fang
from Stella yesterday.
814
00:51:03,370 --> 00:51:04,941
They're cool!
815
00:51:04,974 --> 00:51:07,542
They better be.
Cost a fucking fortune.
816
00:51:21,656 --> 00:51:24,861
Are you guys team Jacob
or team Robert Pattinson?
817
00:51:31,398 --> 00:51:34,503
That is a silly book
and a silly movie.
818
00:51:35,138 --> 00:51:38,405
Many real vampires hide
their vampire activities
819
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:42,677
from people at their jobs
and even their spouses.
820
00:51:42,979 --> 00:51:44,881
We are called
the House of Twilight
821
00:51:44,914 --> 00:51:48,583
because we are working towards
living in a state of twilight
822
00:51:48,617 --> 00:51:52,587
where we can be transparent
about our darker natures.
823
00:51:52,922 --> 00:51:53,922
What is your job?
824
00:51:54,891 --> 00:51:56,525
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
825
00:51:58,426 --> 00:51:59,628
Of course you are.
826
00:52:05,634 --> 00:52:06,903
What are those?
827
00:52:09,005 --> 00:52:10,472
You are not.
828
00:52:10,505 --> 00:52:12,041
I am.
829
00:52:12,074 --> 00:52:15,711
These are just to try,
but I'm gonna go permanent.
830
00:52:15,745 --> 00:52:18,412
I got some temporary fangs
for you, too.
831
00:52:18,446 --> 00:52:19,816
You what?
832
00:52:21,717 --> 00:52:24,787
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sarah.
833
00:52:25,419 --> 00:52:26,420
I'm fine.
834
00:52:31,459 --> 00:52:32,762
How long has it been?
835
00:52:35,597 --> 00:52:36,498
Two weeks.
836
00:52:36,531 --> 00:52:37,532
Sarah!
837
00:52:37,566 --> 00:52:38,935
Two weeks since what?
838
00:52:38,968 --> 00:52:40,502
Since she fed.
839
00:52:41,469 --> 00:52:43,873
Wait, so, you haven't now.
840
00:52:45,741 --> 00:52:47,442
Is this the hunger?
841
00:52:49,578 --> 00:52:50,947
If you wanna go, go.
842
00:52:51,747 --> 00:52:54,717
No, I'm sure you can find
someone who doesn't drink blood
843
00:52:54,750 --> 00:52:56,350
to make you feel exciting.
844
00:53:01,057 --> 00:53:02,725
Can I feed on you tonight?
845
00:53:03,592 --> 00:53:04,894
What?
846
00:53:05,161 --> 00:53:07,562
All of a sudden my blood's
not too slutty for you?
847
00:53:10,099 --> 00:53:11,767
Whatever you need, babe.
848
00:53:13,970 --> 00:53:15,004
I want you to watch.
849
00:53:19,976 --> 00:53:21,408
Fine.
850
00:53:23,145 --> 00:53:24,446
Fine what?
851
00:53:26,949 --> 00:53:28,650
Fine, I will be there tonight.
852
00:53:35,190 --> 00:53:37,192
You're not supposed to be
in here.
853
00:53:37,225 --> 00:53:40,662
You look absolutely beautiful.
854
00:53:46,135 --> 00:53:47,569
Shh! God! Shh!
855
00:53:52,008 --> 00:53:53,508
What's her name?
856
00:53:54,209 --> 00:53:55,477
What?
857
00:53:56,045 --> 00:53:58,981
I haven't seen you at home much
since the great incident.
858
00:53:59,015 --> 00:54:00,850
You're having nightmares
at work.
859
00:54:01,349 --> 00:54:04,185
I'm assuming there's a woman.
860
00:54:04,219 --> 00:54:06,454
Hey, is there someone special?
861
00:54:06,488 --> 00:54:07,589
No.
862
00:54:07,622 --> 00:54:08,891
Is she coming to the picnic?
863
00:54:08,925 --> 00:54:10,793
We'd be happy to give her
a ride, too.
864
00:54:11,226 --> 00:54:13,763
No, I'm not seeing anyone.
865
00:54:13,796 --> 00:54:15,430
There's no one.
866
00:54:15,798 --> 00:54:17,800
You know, I'd love a ride, Tim.
867
00:54:17,833 --> 00:54:19,501
James and I
actually live together,
868
00:54:19,534 --> 00:54:20,937
so it'd just be the one stop.
869
00:54:21,170 --> 00:54:24,506
Oh. I'm not sure
we'll have enough room,
870
00:54:24,539 --> 00:54:26,008
but we'll see you there, though.
871
00:54:26,574 --> 00:54:30,146
Hey, how's that audit
coming on the vampire group?
872
00:54:30,178 --> 00:54:33,648
Oh, no, I mean,
it's almost done,
873
00:54:33,683 --> 00:54:35,685
- I'm just wrapping it up.
- Great.
874
00:54:36,018 --> 00:54:38,186
How 'bout the end of day
on Tuesday then?
875
00:54:40,990 --> 00:54:42,825
EOD, buddy, EOD.
876
00:54:45,293 --> 00:54:46,293
Great.
877
00:54:51,801 --> 00:54:53,535
I want you to know
878
00:54:53,568 --> 00:54:55,771
I'm in the middle
of a theological crisis.
879
00:54:56,138 --> 00:54:57,173
Okay.
880
00:54:57,907 --> 00:55:00,910
On the one hand,
I want that job.
881
00:55:00,943 --> 00:55:02,544
On the other hand,
882
00:55:02,577 --> 00:55:05,047
these vampires are doing
the work of the devil
883
00:55:05,081 --> 00:55:06,782
here on Earth,
884
00:55:06,816 --> 00:55:13,155
so I think you catching them
is maybe more important.
885
00:55:35,011 --> 00:55:36,112
Do you wanna do it?
886
00:55:49,025 --> 00:55:52,061
You kneel now in a sacred place
887
00:55:52,495 --> 00:55:55,965
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
888
00:55:56,499 --> 00:56:00,069
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
889
00:56:00,335 --> 00:56:01,904
My blood.
890
00:56:11,714 --> 00:56:12,882
That's enough.
891
00:56:51,020 --> 00:56:52,688
Are you sure
you have to go home?
892
00:56:53,188 --> 00:56:54,589
Early morning tomorrow.
893
00:57:00,129 --> 00:57:02,397
Sarah, when you told me
at the audit
894
00:57:02,431 --> 00:57:04,365
about your place of worship,
that's...
895
00:57:06,334 --> 00:57:08,904
You don't have,
the apartment is it, right?
896
00:57:09,270 --> 00:57:10,638
Yeah.
897
00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:12,440
So the three of you
have essentially
898
00:57:12,441 --> 00:57:14,009
not been paying income tax
899
00:57:14,043 --> 00:57:17,980
on up to half of your income
900
00:57:19,214 --> 00:57:21,150
by donating your rent money
to the church
901
00:57:21,151 --> 00:57:22,917
which you're also
not paying income tax on it?
902
00:57:22,918 --> 00:57:24,820
Yeah, but,
Chrissy looked all this up.
903
00:57:24,854 --> 00:57:26,421
I mean,
it is our place of worship.
904
00:57:26,455 --> 00:57:28,157
Chrissy looked it up.
905
00:57:29,058 --> 00:57:30,191
Yeah.
906
00:57:31,192 --> 00:57:32,193
Good.
907
00:57:34,797 --> 00:57:36,364
Are you gonna get
fake fangs then?
908
00:57:38,266 --> 00:57:39,835
I should go.
909
00:57:41,369 --> 00:57:44,205
Do you wanna hang out
next weekend?
910
00:57:44,239 --> 00:57:45,373
Yeah.
911
00:57:45,406 --> 00:57:46,909
Oh wait,
912
00:57:46,942 --> 00:57:49,377
I have this big company picnic
for work.
913
00:57:50,245 --> 00:57:53,115
My boss is giving me a ride.
914
00:57:54,382 --> 00:57:57,052
Are significant others
coming to this picnic?
915
00:57:59,455 --> 00:58:00,789
Yeah.
916
00:58:00,823 --> 00:58:01,891
Probably.
917
00:58:06,462 --> 00:58:08,164
Dinner?
918
00:58:08,196 --> 00:58:09,899
How about dinner tomorrow night?
919
00:58:10,365 --> 00:58:11,934
Yeah, great.
920
00:58:14,335 --> 00:58:15,403
James.
921
00:58:19,942 --> 00:58:21,944
If you can't handle all this...
922
00:58:27,750 --> 00:58:28,951
See you tomorrow night.
923
00:58:42,330 --> 00:58:43,832
Hey, Faith.
924
00:58:43,866 --> 00:58:44,866
Yeah?
925
00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:47,136
If the members
of the vampire church
926
00:58:47,137 --> 00:58:48,836
are all living in their church
and they're donating
927
00:58:48,837 --> 00:58:50,739
part of their income
to help cover the rent,
928
00:58:50,773 --> 00:58:51,773
is that legal?
929
00:58:54,275 --> 00:58:55,275
No way.
930
00:58:55,744 --> 00:58:57,746
It is their church,
their place of worship.
931
00:58:58,346 --> 00:58:59,982
Not if they're living there.
932
00:59:03,284 --> 00:59:04,486
You got 'em?
933
00:59:05,054 --> 00:59:06,321
Way to go!
934
00:59:06,889 --> 00:59:09,124
Put the nail in that coffin.
935
00:59:28,811 --> 00:59:31,080
You've been a hard man
to get a hold of.
936
00:59:31,113 --> 00:59:32,848
I know, I'm sorry,
it's been busy.
937
00:59:34,182 --> 00:59:36,384
Tim sent me
a nice email last week.
938
00:59:37,385 --> 00:59:39,755
He says you're one of his stars.
939
00:59:40,556 --> 00:59:42,190
Yeah, actually,
940
00:59:42,223 --> 00:59:43,903
I think I might be
in line for a promotion.
941
00:59:44,426 --> 00:59:47,463
You'll be promoted
after such a short time.
942
00:59:47,496 --> 00:59:49,765
That will look remarkable
on your CV.
943
00:59:50,566 --> 00:59:53,435
The kind of job
that requires integrity.
944
00:59:53,469 --> 00:59:56,472
It's a sort of job your father
never could've gotten...
945
00:59:56,505 --> 00:59:58,406
I know, thanks, Mom.
946
00:59:58,440 --> 01:00:02,544
I am just proud to have raised
a man with integrity.
947
01:00:04,079 --> 01:00:06,482
Actually,
I am going on a date tonight.
948
01:00:06,515 --> 01:00:08,316
A date?
949
01:00:08,349 --> 01:00:10,819
Yeah, we've been seeing
each other for a little while.
950
01:00:11,053 --> 01:00:12,420
She's...
951
01:00:13,388 --> 01:00:14,790
Actually I have a... wait.
952
01:00:21,130 --> 01:00:23,032
Well, I should let you go now.
953
01:00:23,398 --> 01:00:25,233
Did you see the picture?
954
01:00:25,901 --> 01:00:27,069
Yes.
955
01:00:28,937 --> 01:00:30,139
I really like her.
956
01:00:30,371 --> 01:00:31,473
Good.
957
01:00:31,708 --> 01:00:33,408
You do what you like.
958
01:00:34,977 --> 01:00:37,245
Mom, can we talk
at another time?
959
01:00:37,278 --> 01:00:40,082
I mean, look at her face!
960
01:00:40,381 --> 01:00:42,117
James.
961
01:00:42,350 --> 01:00:45,988
That is not how I raised you
and don't look like that.
962
01:00:46,021 --> 01:00:47,056
Yeah.
963
01:00:50,025 --> 01:00:51,460
Well, I should let you go.
964
01:00:53,361 --> 01:00:54,496
I love you, Mom.
965
01:00:54,530 --> 01:00:55,931
I love you too.
966
01:00:56,264 --> 01:00:58,434
I know
you'll do the right thing.
967
01:01:54,056 --> 01:01:58,192
So, you wanna go ahead and order
or you still waiting?
968
01:01:59,628 --> 01:02:01,530
- I'll just pay for the wine.
- Okay.
969
01:02:48,677 --> 01:02:50,112
Sarah?
970
01:02:53,381 --> 01:02:54,950
Are you okay?
971
01:02:56,618 --> 01:02:58,020
I'm fine.
972
01:03:07,463 --> 01:03:13,168
Faith, I'm... just gonna
step outside for a sec.
973
01:03:35,090 --> 01:03:36,592
- Faith.
- Yeah?
974
01:03:36,593 --> 01:03:38,325
Have you seen the case file
that was on my desk?
975
01:03:38,326 --> 01:03:40,496
The vampire one? Yeah.
976
01:03:40,930 --> 01:03:42,699
Tim came by and picked it up.
977
01:03:43,364 --> 01:03:45,601
Tim might just marry you
after this one.
978
01:03:45,969 --> 01:03:48,202
I'm sure you'll be
very happy together.
979
01:04:26,307 --> 01:04:28,778
No, Mom, I can't talk
right now. I really have to.
980
01:04:29,410 --> 01:04:32,179
No, no, no,
I've got a date, actually.
981
01:04:33,115 --> 01:04:34,149
Yeah.
982
01:04:34,751 --> 01:04:36,250
No, it's...
983
01:05:17,258 --> 01:05:18,527
What are you doing here?
984
01:05:18,928 --> 01:05:20,662
Heard from the asshole lately?
985
01:05:24,466 --> 01:05:26,468
Not a church is the ruling.
986
01:05:29,370 --> 01:05:33,141
Misappropriation of funds,
back taxes and fines,
987
01:05:33,175 --> 01:05:35,110
and further investigation.
988
01:05:35,477 --> 01:05:36,713
Fucking asshole!
989
01:05:40,649 --> 01:05:42,316
We have to get this thrown out.
990
01:05:42,350 --> 01:05:43,619
Thank you, Sherlock.
991
01:05:43,620 --> 01:05:44,953
I don't think auditors
are supposed
992
01:05:44,954 --> 01:05:46,856
to be sleeping
with their clients.
993
01:05:50,191 --> 01:05:51,593
That's gotta be it.
994
01:05:52,427 --> 01:05:55,597
Okay, so we're just gonna go,
find his boss,
995
01:05:55,631 --> 01:05:57,532
tell him what happened,
that's it.
996
01:05:58,101 --> 01:06:00,267
Sarah, I don't think
you're grasping
997
01:06:00,301 --> 01:06:01,904
what an opportunity this is.
998
01:06:01,938 --> 01:06:05,206
This could be our moment,
our standing rock,
999
01:06:05,239 --> 01:06:07,241
our occupy Wall Street.
1000
01:06:07,274 --> 01:06:08,845
Chrissy.
1001
01:06:08,878 --> 01:06:11,714
People don't wanna listen to us,
we'll make them listen.
1002
01:06:12,413 --> 01:06:16,652
We could get a bunch a vampires
together, all in vampire drag,
1003
01:06:16,686 --> 01:06:17,887
we invite the media,
1004
01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:20,622
we bring signs,
we make speeches,
1005
01:06:20,656 --> 01:06:24,861
we force those IRS squares
and the world to reckon with us.
1006
01:06:25,460 --> 01:06:29,832
Real vampires disrupt IRS picnic
in an act of civil disobedience.
1007
01:06:29,866 --> 01:06:31,533
Absolutely not.
1008
01:06:31,868 --> 01:06:34,804
Just us, no press, no moment.
1009
01:06:34,837 --> 01:06:35,938
Okay?
1010
01:06:39,608 --> 01:06:41,543
Vampire drag is good, though.
1011
01:06:42,309 --> 01:06:44,513
Let's give James
something to remember.
1012
01:07:34,596 --> 01:07:35,965
Hey, Jimbo.
1013
01:07:40,334 --> 01:07:42,604
- What's up, Pam?
- Hey, good, you?
1014
01:07:45,574 --> 01:07:47,744
It's gonna be a great day!
1015
01:07:53,380 --> 01:07:54,851
Nice ride, Tim.
1016
01:07:55,484 --> 01:07:57,284
No good, Tim.
1017
01:08:07,529 --> 01:08:09,498
Oh shit.
1018
01:08:09,531 --> 01:08:10,800
That look.
1019
01:08:19,742 --> 01:08:24,411
Your parents and I had
the craziest nights in Oxford.
1020
01:08:24,446 --> 01:08:29,886
One night we were at this bar
and it was packed, man.
1021
01:08:29,919 --> 01:08:31,620
I mean, you could hardly move.
1022
01:08:31,653 --> 01:08:33,354
And we were wasted.
1023
01:08:34,357 --> 01:08:35,757
Don't tell your mom
I told you that.
1024
01:08:35,758 --> 01:08:38,593
Hi, Tim, Pam, James.
1025
01:08:38,627 --> 01:08:40,730
How was the ride? Was it good?
1026
01:08:41,630 --> 01:08:43,065
Turns out the Q isn't running,
1027
01:08:43,099 --> 01:08:44,566
so I had to take a bus
1028
01:08:44,599 --> 01:08:46,836
to another bus
to the seven train.
1029
01:08:46,869 --> 01:08:48,838
But anyway, I made it.
1030
01:08:48,871 --> 01:08:52,373
Oh, and Tim, I invited
my whole prayer group,
1031
01:08:52,406 --> 01:08:53,709
- so I hope that's okay.
- Hi.
1032
01:08:53,743 --> 01:08:54,877
They love potato salad.
1033
01:08:54,911 --> 01:08:55,978
We really do.
1034
01:08:58,147 --> 01:08:59,548
Hey!
1035
01:08:59,581 --> 01:09:01,017
You guys must be confused.
1036
01:09:01,984 --> 01:09:04,452
Halloween is in October.
1037
01:09:13,495 --> 01:09:14,529
Hey!
1038
01:09:19,936 --> 01:09:22,403
My name is Sarah Woods.
1039
01:09:22,939 --> 01:09:25,372
I belong
to the House of Twilight.
1040
01:09:25,406 --> 01:09:28,610
We are a collective
of independent vampires.
1041
01:09:30,411 --> 01:09:32,949
I drink human blood
because I feel weak without it.
1042
01:09:32,982 --> 01:09:34,649
- Ugh!
- That's disgusting!
1043
01:09:34,684 --> 01:09:37,619
Hey, don't talk to her
like that.
1044
01:09:41,057 --> 01:09:43,390
We've been under investigation
by the IRS
1045
01:09:43,424 --> 01:09:44,794
and we have just
received a ruling
1046
01:09:44,827 --> 01:09:46,996
that we are not
a legitimate church.
1047
01:09:47,229 --> 01:09:49,431
We reject this ruling
because we believe
1048
01:09:49,464 --> 01:09:51,433
that it is based on prejudice.
1049
01:09:51,734 --> 01:09:53,501
But beyond that,
we request that the ruling
1050
01:09:53,535 --> 01:09:55,137
be thrown out because...
1051
01:09:55,972 --> 01:09:58,607
Go on. Do it.
1052
01:09:58,975 --> 01:09:59,909
Tell him.
1053
01:09:59,942 --> 01:10:01,143
Tell me what?
1054
01:10:01,176 --> 01:10:03,578
I knew it, I knew it!
1055
01:10:03,612 --> 01:10:04,914
Don't do it, James,
1056
01:10:04,947 --> 01:10:06,749
you've wandered
but you're not lost.
1057
01:10:06,782 --> 01:10:09,719
I can save you, we can save you.
1058
01:10:09,752 --> 01:10:11,453
No, Faith.
1059
01:10:11,486 --> 01:10:13,622
This way you get the promotion,
you deserve it.
1060
01:10:13,655 --> 01:10:15,657
This is about
something much bigger
1061
01:10:15,691 --> 01:10:18,027
than a promotion now!
1062
01:10:18,060 --> 01:10:19,729
This is about...
1063
01:10:19,762 --> 01:10:22,965
- Jesus!
- Jesus! Ha!
1064
01:10:24,767 --> 01:10:26,736
Is there some convention
I didn't hear about?
1065
01:10:26,769 --> 01:10:27,803
Honey! Shh!
1066
01:10:28,336 --> 01:10:29,972
- Revolt!
- Oh, my God.
1067
01:10:30,006 --> 01:10:31,439
Get your phone out.
1068
01:10:31,473 --> 01:10:33,876
Sorry, baby,
this is bigger than you.
1069
01:10:35,644 --> 01:10:37,914
Aw! That's my cooler!
1070
01:10:37,947 --> 01:10:41,449
Up until this moment you've all
lived safe, little lives.
1071
01:10:42,350 --> 01:10:44,987
When I say I'm a vampire,
you think I'm crazy.
1072
01:10:45,021 --> 01:10:48,824
We have tried rational
means to explain it to you.
1073
01:10:48,858 --> 01:10:51,559
We have made videos available
on YouTube.
1074
01:10:51,593 --> 01:10:55,865
But today you'll wonder
if maybe, just maybe,
1075
01:10:55,898 --> 01:11:00,136
there are things in this world
that cannot be explained at all!
1076
01:11:01,871 --> 01:11:03,105
Ups. Sorry.
1077
01:11:04,673 --> 01:11:06,207
God.
1078
01:11:06,241 --> 01:11:09,845
You cannot glamor us,
you spawn of Satan!
1079
01:11:10,278 --> 01:11:12,114
By the glory of God!
1080
01:11:13,181 --> 01:11:14,850
- For Jesus!
- For Jesus!
1081
01:11:14,884 --> 01:11:17,053
Rex Lamia!
1082
01:11:17,086 --> 01:11:18,821
Stay back.
1083
01:11:18,854 --> 01:11:20,522
Call the cops!
1084
01:11:20,555 --> 01:11:21,891
Be with me now!
1085
01:11:23,159 --> 01:11:24,626
- Can someone record this?
- Sarah.
1086
01:11:25,293 --> 01:11:27,863
I'm so sorry,
I've made a massive mistake.
1087
01:11:27,897 --> 01:11:29,597
You turned us in.
1088
01:11:29,631 --> 01:11:31,533
No, I didn't.
1089
01:11:31,566 --> 01:11:33,926
I hadn't... no, no, my boss,
he saw it on my desk and I had.
1090
01:11:34,269 --> 01:11:36,906
But no, it doesn't matter.
I'm an idiot, I panicked.
1091
01:11:39,041 --> 01:11:41,978
The power of Christ compels you.
1092
01:11:42,011 --> 01:11:44,780
The power of Christ compels you!
1093
01:11:44,814 --> 01:11:46,749
Faith, stop it, leave her alone!
1094
01:11:47,049 --> 01:11:48,550
In no mine Patris et filii
1095
01:11:48,583 --> 01:11:49,584
et Spiri...
1096
01:11:49,617 --> 01:11:50,753
Resist!
1097
01:11:52,755 --> 01:11:54,289
What do you have to do?
1098
01:11:54,322 --> 01:11:55,725
Tell me what I need to do.
1099
01:11:56,324 --> 01:11:57,994
Come on.
1100
01:11:58,027 --> 01:12:00,696
- Dark silence.
- Can't we just hug it out?
1101
01:12:03,099 --> 01:12:04,232
Tim.
1102
01:12:04,767 --> 01:12:06,769
I was dating this woman
the entire time
1103
01:12:06,802 --> 01:12:07,870
I was investigating her.
1104
01:12:08,303 --> 01:12:09,604
You should fire me.
1105
01:12:10,338 --> 01:12:13,142
No, better yet, I quit.
1106
01:12:15,044 --> 01:12:16,145
I quit.
1107
01:12:20,716 --> 01:12:21,716
Sarah!
1108
01:12:22,084 --> 01:12:23,551
Sarah, stop!
1109
01:12:23,585 --> 01:12:24,905
I know
it's not your fault, buddy.
1110
01:12:25,420 --> 01:12:27,156
We'll talk about it on Monday!
1111
01:12:27,188 --> 01:12:28,656
Sarah!
1112
01:12:56,651 --> 01:12:59,855
What the...
1113
01:12:59,889 --> 01:13:01,023
Sorry, sorry.
1114
01:13:01,057 --> 01:13:03,625
- I just...
- What are you doing?
1115
01:13:03,993 --> 01:13:07,195
I just thought that maybe
if I was a vampire, too...
1116
01:13:07,228 --> 01:13:08,998
I don't need you to be
a vampire, James.
1117
01:13:09,297 --> 01:13:10,699
Then what?
1118
01:13:10,733 --> 01:13:11,834
Tell me.
1119
01:13:14,804 --> 01:13:16,772
Dude, you should hear yourself.
1120
01:13:17,106 --> 01:13:18,908
You think
she wants to be with you?
1121
01:13:20,076 --> 01:13:21,309
Excuse me, pal.
1122
01:13:21,342 --> 01:13:22,778
Hey, this chick?
1123
01:13:22,812 --> 01:13:24,245
Paid to drink my blood
1124
01:13:24,279 --> 01:13:26,882
for eight and a half years
after our divorce.
1125
01:13:26,916 --> 01:13:29,651
And you think
she wants to be with you.
1126
01:13:30,019 --> 01:13:31,020
Oh, ho, ho...
1127
01:13:31,053 --> 01:13:32,688
Get out of here!
1128
01:13:33,089 --> 01:13:35,623
Would you just go?
1129
01:13:40,429 --> 01:13:41,697
Okay.
1130
01:13:42,230 --> 01:13:44,199
No problem, I'll go.
1131
01:13:46,035 --> 01:13:47,136
I'll go.
1132
01:13:48,070 --> 01:13:49,805
See ya next Sunday.
1133
01:13:49,839 --> 01:13:50,839
Fuck you.
1134
01:13:52,441 --> 01:13:56,745
Stop it, come on.
1135
01:14:04,185 --> 01:14:05,788
I trusted you.
1136
01:14:06,956 --> 01:14:08,757
Wait, Sarah!
1137
01:14:08,791 --> 01:14:09,825
Listen.
1138
01:14:11,727 --> 01:14:13,129
I understand
if you want to leave,
1139
01:14:13,162 --> 01:14:14,897
I am a complete disaster.
1140
01:14:15,464 --> 01:14:18,366
And I don't know much
about anything,
1141
01:14:18,399 --> 01:14:20,436
but I know that I want you.
1142
01:14:22,237 --> 01:14:24,205
That's the decision
I want to make.
1143
01:14:24,540 --> 01:14:26,742
- I love you.
- No, you don't.
1144
01:14:27,843 --> 01:14:28,911
You don't.
1145
01:14:38,020 --> 01:14:39,688
This just in.
1146
01:14:39,689 --> 01:14:41,388
A group has taken responsibility
for the event.
1147
01:14:41,389 --> 01:14:44,693
They call themselves
real vampires.
1148
01:14:44,727 --> 01:14:46,028
Sound unusual?
1149
01:14:46,061 --> 01:14:47,096
It is.
1150
01:14:47,496 --> 01:14:49,230
I have seen them.
1151
01:14:50,398 --> 01:14:52,367
Vampires are real.
1152
01:14:52,768 --> 01:14:55,738
I will be releasing
an official statement on Monday,
1153
01:14:55,771 --> 01:14:57,611
but I believe we will be
throwing out the case.
1154
01:14:58,874 --> 01:15:00,709
That said,
1155
01:15:00,743 --> 01:15:03,278
we will be pursuing charges
for disturbance of peace
1156
01:15:03,779 --> 01:15:05,881
and destruction
of personal property.
1157
01:15:10,318 --> 01:15:11,954
What the hell was that?
1158
01:15:11,987 --> 01:15:14,422
Sarah, we're all over the news!
1159
01:15:14,857 --> 01:15:17,426
I said no vampires.
1160
01:15:24,800 --> 01:15:25,800
Oh!
1161
01:15:27,335 --> 01:15:28,336
This is Steve.
1162
01:15:28,369 --> 01:15:29,972
We were just having
1163
01:15:30,005 --> 01:15:31,907
a very stimulating
theological discussion.
1164
01:15:45,888 --> 01:15:47,422
This is Mellowtron.
1165
01:15:48,223 --> 01:15:49,257
He is my robot.
1166
01:15:50,859 --> 01:15:53,429
And he makes me feel less alone
when I'm lonely.
1167
01:15:58,333 --> 01:15:59,969
Sarah?
1168
01:16:03,939 --> 01:16:05,107
Sarah?
1169
01:16:06,909 --> 01:16:09,410
Sorry you didn't get
to finish your speech,
1170
01:16:09,445 --> 01:16:11,447
but they're gonna
throw the case out.
1171
01:16:11,480 --> 01:16:13,181
Are you okay, Sarah?
1172
01:16:13,214 --> 01:16:16,251
I'm sorry, Sarah, okay?
1173
01:16:16,284 --> 01:16:19,021
Not everything is about you.
1174
01:16:20,221 --> 01:16:23,492
You know, you forced us all out
because it's what you wanted
1175
01:16:23,525 --> 01:16:25,861
while I just wanna live my life.
1176
01:16:26,294 --> 01:16:28,097
What happened with James, Sarah?
1177
01:16:28,130 --> 01:16:30,499
Nothing happened with James,
she's not angry about him.
1178
01:16:30,532 --> 01:16:31,800
Of course she is.
1179
01:16:31,834 --> 01:16:32,968
He turned us in.
1180
01:16:32,969 --> 01:16:34,201
And then he quit his job
for her!
1181
01:16:34,202 --> 01:16:35,571
He's a mundane.
1182
01:16:35,604 --> 01:16:38,073
Who cares if he's a mundane,
I love him!
1183
01:16:45,881 --> 01:16:46,882
Shit.
1184
01:16:48,283 --> 01:16:50,418
Starting around when I was five
1185
01:16:50,452 --> 01:16:55,189
I became obsessed
with tasting it.
1186
01:16:55,624 --> 01:16:58,226
Like, if a friend had a cut
or something,
1187
01:16:58,259 --> 01:17:01,430
I would just stare at the blood.
1188
01:17:02,097 --> 01:17:05,601
The first time I tasted blood
I was 22.
1189
01:17:05,634 --> 01:17:09,237
I felt like how different
and how outside
1190
01:17:09,270 --> 01:17:11,173
of everyone I always felt.
1191
01:17:11,205 --> 01:17:13,207
Like maybe there was a reason.
1192
01:17:14,309 --> 01:17:15,477
I'm a vampire.
1193
01:17:15,878 --> 01:17:17,412
I am a vampire.
1194
01:17:17,714 --> 01:17:21,817
I enjoy being a vampire
on evenings and weekends.
1195
01:17:24,352 --> 01:17:27,956
But I'm also
a life insurance salesman.
1196
01:17:28,389 --> 01:17:29,892
A Muslim.
1197
01:17:29,925 --> 01:17:32,928
- A father.
- A karaoke queen.
1198
01:17:33,261 --> 01:17:37,966
Before this video, you
looked at me and saw a Muslim,
1199
01:17:38,299 --> 01:17:40,903
now you look at me
and see a vampire.
1200
01:17:41,302 --> 01:17:44,205
But the truth is much more
complicated than any of that.
1201
01:17:45,908 --> 01:17:48,010
All I am is me.
1202
01:17:50,913 --> 01:17:52,014
Hey.
1203
01:17:52,413 --> 01:17:53,413
Hi.
1204
01:17:54,248 --> 01:17:55,248
Can I come in?
1205
01:17:56,452 --> 01:17:57,986
Okay.
1206
01:17:58,020 --> 01:17:59,021
Great.
1207
01:18:07,395 --> 01:18:10,165
I had that, that vision
or whatever you said you had
1208
01:18:10,198 --> 01:18:13,001
by the subway, I... I had that.
1209
01:18:13,902 --> 01:18:16,270
But the thing is
that I don't actually believe
1210
01:18:16,304 --> 01:18:18,006
that that sort of thing happens,
you know?
1211
01:18:18,040 --> 01:18:19,541
Like when people say they knew,
1212
01:18:19,575 --> 01:18:21,643
I always so like no,
you knew in retrospect,
1213
01:18:21,677 --> 01:18:24,913
but when I met you,
1214
01:18:26,414 --> 01:18:27,684
when I'm with you I think about
1215
01:18:27,717 --> 01:18:29,952
what our kids
are gonna look like.
1216
01:18:29,985 --> 01:18:33,655
But that's not who I am, James.
1217
01:18:34,288 --> 01:18:35,657
I drink blood.
1218
01:18:36,324 --> 01:18:39,193
And with you, if someone
put a gun to my head
1219
01:18:39,227 --> 01:18:42,397
and said you can have him
or you can be.
1220
01:18:45,167 --> 01:18:46,502
I don't know
which one I'd choose.
1221
01:18:46,535 --> 01:18:47,975
I don't want you
to make that choice.
1222
01:18:48,003 --> 01:18:50,072
You make me want everything
1223
01:18:50,105 --> 01:18:52,641
I thought I was better than,
you know?
1224
01:18:52,975 --> 01:18:55,010
You make me feel like
all that garbage
1225
01:18:55,043 --> 01:18:56,478
might be enough.
1226
01:18:56,512 --> 01:18:59,114
Me too. You make me
want that garbage, too.
1227
01:19:03,720 --> 01:19:04,953
It's fine.
1228
01:19:06,421 --> 01:19:08,189
Everything will be fine.
1229
01:19:09,591 --> 01:19:11,093
You don't know that.
1230
01:19:13,462 --> 01:19:14,496
I believe it will.
1231
01:19:16,031 --> 01:19:17,166
But I don't know.
1232
01:19:20,602 --> 01:19:21,670
I don't know either.
1233
01:19:34,784 --> 01:19:36,018
Okay.
1234
01:19:37,052 --> 01:19:38,186
Okay.
86448
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.