All language subtitles for bowery.to.bagdad.1955.hdtv.x264-regret

( music )

( birds chirping )

NARRATOR: Once upon a time,

there was a wonderful lamp,

a magic lamp
of great powers.

In the seventh year
of the reign of Hamoud,
caliph of Bagdad,

there occurred the most
disastrous event.

My magic lamp has been stolen.

It must be found.

Go to the ends
of the earth if you must,

but do not return until you
bring the lamp with you.

Aladdin's lamp must be found.

( music )

NARRATOR: The magic lamp
was not found in the
caliph's lifetime.

But because his word was the
most sacred law of the land,

his retainers and their sons

for generations without number,

kept up the weary quest.

They came at length
to the new world

and as the years passed,

the search led to the city
called by some...

Bagdad on the Hudson.

( music )

Chief, look what I got
Louie for his birthday.

Where did you get that
broken-down old teapot?

Down at the hawk shop.
And it only cost me two bits.

Two bits? How many pounds of
tea did they give you with it?

Oh.
Throwing our money
around like that.

You ought to have
your head examined.

What aren't you
getting excited about?

It'll look much better
when it's polished up.

What? The teapot
or your head?

You'll be surprised.

Got a rag?

Hold it a minute.

Hello, boys.

What's--what's going on here?

We're giving you
a surprise party.

Big mouth, you spoiled
everything.

Well you didn't
tell me it was a secret.

A surprise party for me?

Yeah, Louis. Congratulations
on your 39th birthday.

Thirty-ninth birthday.

Well, Mr. Dumbrowsky.

We're glad to have
caught you in.

Get the cheese,
Louie, the rats are back.

Very funny.

I thought it was clever.

Nobody cares what you think.

Hey, we bring you
a message from the boss.

He wants to
know, "How about it?"

And we bring
a message for the boss.

"Nothing about it."

For the last time,
I am not selling my lease.

Attaboy, Louie.
Stick by your guns,

even if they are empty.

Look, Louie may be small,
but he's substantial.

And he absolutely
refuses to be intimated.

Look, chum, the boss gave
you a very generous offer.

Why don't you take
it, Louie?
Shut up.

Just a little word of
friendly advice, take it.

Just a little word
of unfriendly advice,

get going.
Yeah, get going.

Ah, get going right up to
the counter, sir.

We got a special on chocolate
sundaes and this time,

Louie put chocolate in them.

Gee, you're hysterical.

This is final?

Final.
Yeah, final

P-H-Y-N-U-L.

Mr. Dumbrowsky, you're
gonna be very, very sorry.

That guy had used those
scissors to cut his throat,

we'd all have been better off.

( music )

Little man's
gonna sing a different tune

when he finds out
he's got no business.

Where are you going?
In there.

Nuh-uh.
This joint's closed.

Board of health. Beat it.

Better go around the back.
See that no one sneaks in.

Right.

Sure wish I was big and strong

so I could tell the chief off.

I could also help Louie.

Beat-up old lamp, huh?

It'll look different when
it's all shined up.

Boy, I'm sure getting tired
of being pushed around.

Everything I do is wrong.

I'm in a rut, a rut.

More like I'm in
a drainage ditch.

Sure wish something
would happen.

( explosion )

Greetings!

I'm the slave of the lamp.

Command and I obey.

Oh, who are you?

Where--oh,
where did you come from?

My dear chap, I'm a genie,
the slave of the lamp.

Ask for anything.

I'm duty-bound
to provide it.

Oh, what are you
talking about? Ask for
anything, genie-- genie.

Are you any relation to Jeannie
with the light brown hair?

This is gonna be jolly.

No, sir, I am not kidding.
Your wish is my command.

Gold,

diamonds,

dancing girls?

What do you wish
for most right now?

How about six giant malteds?

Ahem, six giant malteds?

Is that too many?
It's a little
overdoing it, surely.

Well...

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, boy! These taste good.

You make them
better than Louie.

The wealth of the earth
and the Seven Seas
at his fingertips,

and he wishes for giant malts.

Incredible.

You say something, genie?

Yes, I said you're--
you're incredible.

Thank you.
Likewise, I'm sure.

Will that be all?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Don't go away, genie.

Now, let me see what I want.
Oh, yeah. I know what I want.

I wanna be big and strong,
and not afraid of anything

so I can take care
of those guys that are
pushing Louie around.

Genie, give me muscles,

big, fat muscles.

Right.

Bing.

Oop. What happened to my malt?

Genie? Genie? Genie,
come back here with my malteds.

Genie, come back. Genie?
Genie? Genie? Genie?

( music )

Get a load of those muscles.

What'll they think of next?

There's enough muscles
here for everybody.

Oh, I'll demolish the world.

Sach Samson.

Enemies of Louie,
get outta town.

SACH: Oh, what's this?

Hmm, crowbar.

Slip Mahoney.

( grunting )

A human house wrecker.

Hey, fellas.
Fellas, look at me.

Get a load of the muscles.

At last.

Get a load of the build.

How do you like the muscles?
The genie gave them to me.

You rub the lamp,
a genie appears,

you ask him for anything you
want and he gives it to you.

So, I asked him
for these muscles.

Want me to tear this
phonebook in half?
Give me that phonebook.

We may need it to
call the nuthouse.

Wait a minute, buddy.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

Don't you ever
get out of line with me.

Not with these muscles.

That's a muscle?

Fellas, I lost my muscles.

It's mine.

Yours?

It's mine.
It's mine.

Anybody see
any muscles?

What is all this insane
drizzle about muscles?

And a lamp and a genius?

Well, chief,
I rubbed the lamp,

a genie appeared and...

( clattering )

There he is again.
The genie's in the back.

All right, grab them.
Get them both, quick.

All right, boy.
Watch it they've got--

I can't stand the sight
of blood, especially my own.

Yah!

Run out the front way.
See if you can cut them off.

Chief, thanks
for saving my lamp.
Get away from me.

What do you want with this
putrid piece of pewter?

Even those crooks with
the towels on their heads
threw it away.

But, chief,
that's a magic lamp.

You rub it,
the genie appears, pow.

He'll give anything you want.

Without sending any
box tops, I presume.

But, chief, I'm telling you
that's a magic lamp.

The days of the magic lamp
went out with Skinderella

when a fairy godmother converts
a pumpkin into a hot-rod

and gave her a couple
of Shetland ponies
to pull it with.

Now, if you could take this
piece of junk back

and get your two bits for it,
that would be real magic.

Chief, go ahead.
Now, get out of here.

Rub it, go ahead.
Go on, get out.

Rub it.
Like I'll rub your head

until there's
another hole in it.

Sach doesn't stop having
those hallucinations,

I'm gonna wind up
in a seminary.

( lamp clangs )

Well, then,
anything you wish for,

you get right away,
boom, like that.

Quickest service you ever saw.

Why, this crazy-looking
character

will give you
anything you want.

Anything. Can you imagine?

No, huh?

Psychiatrist, psychiat--

hey, Duke,
I can't find it under S.

Oh,

are you sure
somebody didn't kiss
you with a blackjack?

Boss, listen. I've seen
it with my own eyes.

He just rubbed this
crummy-looking pot,
and like that...

Come off it, Tiny.

You were with him.
What's he been nipping?

Nothing.

Frankly, I'm completely
baffled.

Hey, wait a minute.

Could this be a lamp
you're talking about
instead of a pot?

Yeah, I guess so.

So what?
So what?

I was just reading about
a magic lamp the other
day in a book.

You were reading a book?

Yes, I was reading a book.

Wait a minute.
I'll prove it to you.

Uh-hmm.

Ah, here it is.
Listen to this.

"After she had decided
to sell the lamp,

Aladdin's mother made
ready to polish it

in the hope of
increasing its value.

No sooner had she
begun to rub the lamp,

then a hi-de-ous genie..."
That's hideous.

Hideous. I knew
it all the time.

"Hideous gen-i-i
appeared before her

and said in
a voice like thunder,

"What wouldst thou have?

I am ready
to obey thee as thy slave.

For I am the slave of all
who possess the lamp."

"I am hungry," said Aladdin,

"Bring me food."
"At once they saw before them,

12 dishes filled with
the most delicious food,

two loaves of bread,
and two bottles of wine."

That was nice.

See? They got it.

It must be on the level, boss.

It's in the book.

That's what I'm telling you.

This gen-i-i works for
anybody who's got the lamp.

Ah, you've flipped.
But, boss...

Okay. Go get the pot
and I'll prove it to you.

Now, you're talking.

Come on, Canarsie.

d

I am the slave
of the lamp.

Command and I obey.

Oh, oh, but I assure you
I'm not an apparition.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yes, as soon as I regain
my "liquidebrium".

Oh.
Don't worry, Louie.
All set.

Genie.

See, chief,
I wasn't fibbing.

The genie, he's back.
This is my pal, Genie.

Genie, this is my
pal, Slip Mahoney.

Slip Mahoney, this
is my pal, Genie. Genie,

this time I won't
make a pig out of myself,

just make it five malteds.

You're wasting
your time, kid.

From now on, this monkey's
taking orders from me.

Monkey?
He's mine.

Come...
Give me that.

2,000 years and
they're still at it.

Genie, just don't sit there.

Do something.
I paid a quarter for you.

Yeah, but I serve,
whoever holds the lamp,

no matter how he gets it.

Did you hear what he said?
And I'm holding the lamp.

And I'm holding it,
too.

You ain't gonna be holding it
long because I'm gonna bust you

right on that peeled banana
that you call a nose.

Genie, help me,
help me, help...

Ah!

( crash )

Throwing things
behind my back, huh?

Chief, chief,
don't get excited.

Sit down and think
this thing over.

Chief, chief, genie, genie.

Make him sit down.

Ah!

Hey, I'm stuck.
I can't get up.

I'm slipping. I forgot
to put nails in the seat.

I...

-- say, uh,

buddy old boy,

would you come a little closer?

I'd like to have
a heart to heart talk with you.

Didn't I always give
you a fair shake?
No.

Oh, didn't I always share
everything I had with you?
No.

Well, didn't you always share
everything you had with me?
Yes.

Well, then. Buddy old boy,

why are you being so lascivious
and greedy about this thing?

My old buddy,
he's gonna go out in the world

and get stinking rich
and he's gonna

let me sit here
poverty-stricken.

Oh, slush.

It's one of those
things, I guess.

Nobody likes you when
you get old and fat.

Don't cry, chief.

We'll share
the lamp together.

We will?
Yeah.

Shake hands, partner.

Partners.

Partners?

Vacuum-head and
Mr. Loud Speaker.

Now, uh, first of all,
get me up out of this chair.

Get him out of the chair.

Ah.

Ah. That's better.

Thanks.

Now, mousy, get over here,

we're ready for general
order number one,

and I quote,
"No matter who has this lamp,

henceforth and from now on,

you are to take orders
from no one but us two,

jointly and together."
Get it?

You mean to say I'm to take
orders from both of you?

That is perversely
the vernacular
of this situation.

In 2,000 years,
I never had
to take orders

from more than one
master at a time.

Well, consider this your
lucky day then, because
now you got two.

This is highly irregular.
I have to get a ruling.

You'll get the rulings
on your own time, bub,

from now on you're working
for Mahoney and Jones,
Incorporated.

Yeah, Jones and Mahoney,
Incorporated.

Shut up. You're wasting time.
We got a lot of wishing to do.

Now, for the first order,
give us a million dollars.

Oh, what does
my other master say?

Oh, personally,
I'm a little thirsty.

I'd rather
have the malteds.

Ask for the million,
you imbecilic idiot.

Imbecilic idiot?

What happened to the
buddy-buddy routine?

That went out the window
when I got your lamp.

Now, ask for the mil.

You traitor.
Give him his million.

Uh, where do you want it?

Well, right over
there on the table

so we won't have to
bend over to count it.

Hmm, very well.

Ba!

One too many.

Hey, what is
this junk anyway?

That junk is a million
dollars in gold.

Well, now,
I'll look pretty silly

walking around with
a pocketful of those things.

Couldn't you
replant it with some
good old folding money?

Gold is better
than folding money.

It's more stable,
you know.

Look, stupid, I said
I didn't want it that way.

You heard what
the chief said.

Get that stuff out of here.

Very well. Ba!

Well, now, that's a beautiful
example of "misinterpelation".

You simply told that
blabbering genius

to get that pile of golden
railroad ties out of here

and he disappears with them.

Maybe he went to lunch,
Bagdad time.

Give me that lamp.

I'm gonna get him back here.
And when I do,

I'm gonna give him an earful
of fragrant colloquialisms.

Hold it. And we ain't fooling.
Don't move a muscle.

Give me the lamp back. You'll
never get away with this...

Shut up.

Chief, they got my lamp.

What do you mean your lamp?
It's my lamp.

They got our lamp.

Oh, chief, I think
the door's locked.

Now, that's
a clever deduction.

Taxi.

Hey, boss, look,
we got it. We're in.

Hey, that's it.
Just like the
picture in the book.

This thing looks
strictly nothing.

Maybe it looks like nothing,
but it sure acts
like something.

Do not keep us in suspense,
boss, go on, massage it.

Yeah, come on.
Oh, for Pete's sake.

Here, let me.

( explosion )

Greetings, everyone.

I am the slave of the lamp.

You see, boss?
What did I tell you?

It's--it's
gotta be a gag.

Who--well, where
did you come from?

Where do geniuses
usually come from?

Wahoo, Nebraska.
Who cares?

Say, uh, Genie boy.

I'd like a silver mink
down to my shoes.

Can you give me
a hot one in the
fifth at Hialeah?

For myself, I was thinking of
a cream-colored convertible

and a very cooperative blonde.

Look, I'll settle
for the blonde.

Will you fill
my desk drawers

with $10,000
bills unmarked?

( indistinct chatter )

Oh, oh, quiet, quiet,
quiet, please.

You're going
to hate me for this.

But I'm sorry, it's
quite impossible for me
to give you what you wish.

Well, what's the matter?
Is it after hours?

I've seen you do it
for the character
in the sweet shop.

You said you were
the slave of this lamp.

True, oh, true, but I'm
so completely limited.

It's terribly embarrassing.

Embarrassing?
How do you think I feel

after the build-up
I gave the boss?

I knew it was a phony.

Oh, come on,

just one teensy-weensy
little diamond for Velma.

Just to show
you're on the level.

What do you say?

Oh, nothing would give me
greater pleasure, my dear,

but my hands are tied.

The only man I ever met
with that trouble,

he's got to be a Genie.

You gotta do it.

You are the slave
of whomsoever
holds the lamp.

It's in the book.

Yes, I know, but that's
all changed now.

I'm sorry.
I can't do a thing for you.

I got it.

The guy
in the sweet shop.

He got to him.

Yeah.

Show him who gives
the orders.

Work him over, boys.

Ow.

A little thing I've picked up
from Samson, Delilah.

Boss, I was holding him
in a grip of iron.

See if you get away
from this one.

What happened?
Where did he go?

Rub that lamp again
and bring him back here.

The minute he shows,
I'll plug him.

Put that thing away.

You can't plug a guy
that ain't human.

We're stuck.
But wait a minute, Duke,

the guy that gave
him the orders.

He's human, ain't he?

Well, you might get
an argument on it,

but anyway, we got the lamp.

You know, boss,
if we snatch this guy...

You don't have to draw me
no pictures. What's his name?

I don't know,
but he's the one
with the beezer.

Baby, you take it from there.

Okay.

The human ones I can handle.

Be seeing you.

How I ever got
associated with you,
I'll never know.

Here we were,

with a million dollars
right in our laps

and you got to go and blow it.

I blew it?
Certainly, you blew it.

So the gold bars
was a little heavy.

Why didn't you tell
him to take them away

and bring us the
money in small bills?

A million in small bills.

Please, Slip,
don't talk crazy like that.

Louie, we are not flipped,
snapped, or cracked.

This whole thing
adds up to the fair
sum of the quotient.

What do you think those
dark guys with the towels
on their heads was after?

The lamp. And what do you think
those other slugs was after?

The lamp.

If only we had it back,
we'd never have

to do another day's
work as long as we live.

Slip, you'll feel much
better if you have
something to eat.

Sach, get Slip
a sandwich or coffee
or something, please.

Oh, certainly, Louie.
I'll make it for two.

I lost a half
a million myself.

Step aside.

Make my coffee black.

Black coffee, naturally.

Whoever heard of
white coffee?

Um, oh, chief, um, how
about a piece of cake,
doughnut, a sandwich?

Give me some of
that banana cream slop.

Banana cream slop coming up.

Louie, will you
please get out of my--
get out of my way, Louie.

You're fired.

Hey, Sach, give me
one of those doughnuts.
You stay out of it.

I happen to be serving
the next millionaire.
What's the matter with you?

You kidding?

Now, what will you have?

I said a doughnut.

With or without the hole?

Think I'll have
something to eat myself.

What's the matter, chief?

I asked for coffee.

So, you give me
a cup of paint

with turpentine in it?

SACH: Maybe it's
better than the coffee.

So you wanna play games, huh?
Wait...

Well, I'll play games with you.

Wait, chief.

Stand still until
I get you in range.

Maybe it tastes
better than the coffee.

You want me to help?
Oh, no.

Now, look what you've done.
If you hadn't ducked,

this never would
have happened.

I wish I had a stepladder.

Say you're sorry
you ducked, stupid.

I'm sorry I
ducked, stupid, oh.

Well, goodness me, boys.

I guess it's nothing to make
such a fuss about, really.

All right, Scram, eagle beak,
can't you see the girl's
enthralled with me?

Eagle beak?

Now, don't go away mad,
honey child.

You know something
I think your friend here

is just jealous
because you're so handsome.

You won't get
no argument out of me.

You know, your nose
reminds me of Robert E. Lee.

The general?
No, the steam boat.

Oh, thanks loads. Listen,

how would you like
a banana split,

a soda,
a piece of pie--

oh, you already
got the pie.

You can have anything
you want, on the house.

Oh, my, you are sweet.

I reckon I would like
a little old Kentucky special.

Kentucky special?
What's that?

Well, you see you simply
take a triple scoop
of ice cream.

You slap a little old
mint julep over it

and then you garnish
the whole thing
with southern pecans.

Pecans? And just for you,

I'm gonna take the
pecans out of the shells.

That way,
it will taste better.

Anything you want, Southern
Pecans, Kentucky Style.

Da-da-da-da-ta-da.

There's my little chickadee.

Ms. Cindy Lou Calhoun
of Louisville,

if you don't mind.

A very proud family and very
choosy about our friends.

Pretty formal for a girl.

Uh, you all kind of got
lost in the swamp,

didn't you, sir?

And without
a paddle, sir.

Listen, that's
the first time any girl

ever preferred
that slug over me,

especially a girl with
all her normal facilities.

Well, I'd say her facilities
are little better than normal.

Honey, as soon as I get
through cleaning up here,

I'll make you
a Kentucky special.

All right.

I've been looking
for a nice boy like you.

I've been so lonesome.

You've been lonesome?

Why, sure,
I'm a stranger here.

Well, I've been rattling
around this city

just like a hominy grit
in a pumpkin shell.

Well, honey child, your
rattling days are over.

You and I are gonna settle
down in a pumpkin shell
built for two.

Oh, you're sweet.
For being so sweet,

why don't you
take me out tonight
and show me the town?

Would you like that?

Like it? I'd adore it.

Absolutely inedible.

That beautiful Amazon falling
for Sach at first sight

after she took
a second sight of me.

I think I better investigate
this little old boll weevil

in her cotton patch.

Hey, pardon me, Cindy Lou
from Louisville,

I don't like to intercept your
romantical infiltration

but Sach, that's him,

he ain't allowed
to go no place without me.

I don't need no chaperone.

Oop, yes, I do.

I can't be trusted.

You do have a girlfriend,
I hope.

Why, um, why, sure enough.
I got a friend.

My little old cousin,
she's cute.

Oh, your little
old cousin, huh?

You don't happen
to have a little young
cousin laying around, do you?

Oh, well, that's just an
expression. She's adorable.

Now, remember, I'm staying
at the Windsor Towers, mwah.

Ooh, not so hard.

Remember, 8:30-ish, y'all.

Honey child,
8:30-ish it shall be.

And I won't be late-ish
and I'll be
right on time-ish.

Louie, shine up my sneakers.

I'm dancing tonight.

( humming )

Now, I know he's
a little crazy-ish.

( music )

Didn't your mother ever tell
you that haste is wasteful?
Got a tip for the kid?

Yeah, tell him to get out
of the elevator business
and become a pilot.

You come back up,
bring my stomach.

Certainly.

Hey, this is
a nice place to live.

Where, in the hall?

Never mind the jokes.
Which room is she in?

She? She forgot to tell me.

Cindy Lou, Cindy Lou.

Yes?

This is Cindy Lou?

Do you wish to see someone?

We certainly didn't
come all the way up
here just to see you.

Cindy Lou and
her little old cousin.

And whom is calling?

Whom?

Watch it, buddy, your
infinitive is dangling.

Just tell her,
Jones and Mahoney.

I will see if
Ms. Calhoun is in.

Stick around.

Gee, what a classy butler.

Classy? Looks like a guy

that should be announcing
prisoners to the warden.

Jones and Mahoney are here,
and the boss ain't back yet.

Oh, then I guess we'll have
to entertain them until
he does get back.

Let them in, Gus.

Okay.

Buckle your seatbelt, baby.

We may be in
for a bumpy evening.

Yeah, could be.

Oh, Melody, are you
all ready to meet up

with those nice
young boys, honey child?

Oh, why, sure enough,
honey child.

How about you all?

Not you all, y'all.

Y'all. Y'all.

I dig it, y'all.

That's right, honey,
and remember,

this is for the most.

Your hat, sir?
If it wasn't mine,

I wouldn't be wearing it.

Well, now that's what
I call a gregarious
greeting committee.

Evening, Mr. Jones, sugar pie.

Mr. Mahoney, I'd like you to
meet up with my little old
cousin, Ms. Culpepper.

I please to nullify
your acquaintance.

Cindy Lou, he's just my type.

Debonair,
sophisticated, amusing.

Mr. Mahoney, would you all care
to step out on the terrace?
It's a lovely night.

Well, now there's nothing
I would deplore more, Sadey.

But you see, I can't
even trust this guy alone
much less with a girl.

What's the matter with you?
Can't you see she wants
to be alone with me?

You see? Come on, Mr. Mahoney.

But I--I--just watch
your step, buddy.

Don't let the feminine
gender engulf you.

I can't help feeling
I'm making a mistake.

Oh.

Honey lamb, would you all
mind terribly

if I ask you to stay
with just little ol' me

instead of stepping out
tonight?

What's there
to do around here?

Oh, silly boy.

We could have refreshments,
you know.

Refreshments?
Sure.

The butler will bring you
anything you want.

Anything?

Anything.

Gus!

If you lost your voice,
it's in my ear.

Oh, lamb chop.
While we're waiting,

I'm gonna teach
you how to mambo.

You're gonna teach me, huh?

( mambo music )

Here, let me.

Ah, now that's my dish,

music from south
of the boudoir.

How about tripping
the light fanatic?

Oh, Mr. Mahoney, honey,
it's so crowded in there.

Well, as a matter of fact
it's getting a little
crowded out here.

( music continues )

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my poor
little boll weevil.
Are you all right?

Oh, certainly. I could dance
this way all day long

then go to the hospital.

( music continues )

How do you like that?
A restaurant on wheels.

Step aside, I'll take over.

I don't know if I can finish
all these, but I'll try.

Help yourself,
honey child.

Would you mind not
looking over my shoulder?

I'm very superstitious
when I eat.

You're a butler, aren't you?

Well, go ahead and butler.

( doorbell dings )

That's right, honey.
Just help yourself.

I beg your pardon, miss.
Your uncle has arrived.

He has? Oh, goodie.

Come on, honey child,
I'm just dying for
you to meet him.

Any uncle of yours
is an uncle of mine.

Certainly.

Here we are, sugar pie.

This is my very
dearest uncle. Mr. Dolan.

Uncle, this is Mr. Jones.

I've been looking
forward to this all day.

Hi ya, unc--oops, oops.

What is this?
What are you sore about it?
I gave you half my eclair.

Oop.

Funny.

I-- I gotta go.

If I get any calls,
just take messages.

Oh, who left that
boulder on the road?

DOLAN: Gus,
bring him here.

What else? I should have
known. The butler's
always the rat.

It's not that we crave
the pleasure of your
company, Mr. Jones.

It's on account
of this little pot.

Hey, that's my lamp.

It was yours.

You did it,
it's all your fault.

You lured me here,
that's what you did,

with your
Southern hospitality now.

Why, you're a disgrace
to Old Kentucky.

Even New Kentucky.

Will you dig him, Duke?

He makes Gus here
look like a genius.

Thanks, Velma.

GENIE:
Well, well, what now?

My pal, Genie old boy!

Well, well,
look who's here.

Where's the quiet man?

Oh, the chief? He's around.

Say, Genie,
what happened to the poof?

You've given up smoking?

Ow, ow, Genie, he's
hurting me. Make him stop.

You put
my friend down.
You keep out of this.

And you keep your face
buttoned up or you'll
really get hurt.

Now, tell him to fill that desk
drawer with $10,000 bills.

You ain't big enough
to make me do it.

Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, but he is, he is.

Genie, Genie, give it
to him, give it to him,
the money I mean.

and give him an extra
ten dollars for bandages.

I'm sorry, but I'll
have to remind you

of special order
number one

as given by our modest
friend, Mr. Mahoney.

And I quote, "Henceforth
and from now on,

you will take orders
from nobody but us two

jointly and together." Get it?

What? Both of them have
to be on deck before
you do your stuff?

That is perversely,
the vernacular of
the situation.

Oh, fine. What do we do now?

Don't worry, Duke,
Mr. Mahoney is here.

He's out on the
terrace with Claire.

Great.

Tiny, you and Gus
get him.
Right.

Well, call me when
you're ready for business.

You stay right here.

Give me that lamp.
I'll bring him back
and I'll break him...

You won't lay a hand
on my friend.

Oops, that must've
been my voice
out of the past.

Listen, Duke, why don't you
wait until we need him?

You got the lamp.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brilliant.

Hey, where'd everybody go?

Well, I don't know.
They must have gone
out on the terrace.

On the terrace?
How many terraces
you got in this place?

We just came from the
terrace. Hey, Sach. Sach?

hey, you lunatic.

Mahoney. Mahoney,
we wanna talk to you.

Well, look what the
East River washed up.

Hey, you eel, what did
you do with my lamp?

And furthermore,
what did you do with Sach?

Now, Mr. Mahoney, the boss
will tell you that.

We'll take you
right to him.

Oh, the boss wants to see me?

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

( grunts )

Why, you--I'll
give you a-- ooh.

( screams )

Wait, wait. Oh, you...

( music )

Hey, Sach. Sach?

Sach, where are
you, you idiot?

I gotta get out of
here and get a phone.

( music )

Wrong way out.

Oops, watch the
pig stickers, fellas,

I already shaved
this morning.

Silence, where is
the lamp?

That's a good question.
Check with me later
and I'll let you know.

Search him.

Watch it. If you think
I got the lamp on me...

Oh, this is so high

they should have brought us
up in a--in a "heliumcopter".

This is a penthouse,
Louie.

Why do they have to have
a penthouse on the top
floor? Why, why...

Wait a minute,
Louie, wait a minute.

Slip thought there was
something fishy about this.

Do you realize what he said?
If he didn't phone by 10:00,

we should come in
and get him, right?

Right, but I wanna
ask you one question.

What?
Who's gonna come in
and get us?

You look over there, Louie.
Butch and I are gonna
try the other way

and stop worrying, will you?

Worrying, who's worrying?

I'm not worrying.

Worrying, hmm, I'm scared.

Baby...

keep him covered.

We'll see what's
keeping the boys.

Okay, Duke.

How about another dance?
I'll hold your gun.

Shut up.

I liked you so much better
with your Southern accent.

Well, then shut up,
you all.

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it,

hominy grits and black-eyed
peas to you, you all.

What happened to you guys?

Where's Mahoney?

He disappeared.
Disappeared?

Well, find him.

Oh, uh, Ms.
Cindy-- oop.
What?

Will you stop
that skipping around,
you make me nervous.

Make you nervous?
You don't exactly
make me calm,

waving that gun
in front of me.

Is that what you call
Southern hospitality?

If you don't shut up,
I'm gonna give you a little
Southern hospitalization.

Well, shut my mouth.

I will.
You did.

Hello, chum.

Shh. Hi, Genie, did you come
to get me outta here?

I only wish I could,
my dear fellow,

but you made that
impossible, I'm afraid.

I suppose that's why
I feel so sorry for you.

You're so helpless.

Like a--like
a bumbling puppy.

Shh, she's got a big gun
and I'm a big target.

Ooh, aha,
my favorite brand.

Go on, Genie, nip, nip, nip,
don't mind me.

Oh, thank you very much.
After all, I've lived

in a bottle for centuries.
Won't you join me?

I'd love to, but I don't think
we'd both fit in that bottle.

Oh, droll fellow.

That's a nip?
It is a bit of a swig,
isn't it?

Well, your health.

I won't be healthy
if I stick around here.

No, quite.

Tell me, my dear fellow,

why don't you try
the romantic approach?

Sweep her off her feet.

No broom.

No broom, oh.

I've been around for centuries
and I've never yet seen

the woman who is indifferent
to the tender phrase,

the deaf compliment, the, the
burning ardor, do you get it?

I got it, but I don't know
what to do with it.

Well, I suppose I shall
have to show you how,

Casanova. Is that bad?

Genie? Genie? Where'd you go?

Stop flying around,
come back here.

Genie, oh, Genie. Genie.

Genie, stop flying around.
Genie? Genie...

Listen, who are you talking to?
Oh, I...

I wasn't talking to anybody,
I was talking to myself.

Oh, great, you're getting
there fast, kid.

( gasps )

What's the big idea
kissing me?
I did not.

Oh, yes, you did,
right on the neck.

I did? Uh, I, I,
I mean, I did not.

Listen, you try that again.
I just dare you.

( thud )

What is the big idea?

Listen, you do that again
and I'll plug you.

I didn't do it.
The Genie, the Genie.

He's a-- he's a flying
kiss fogey.

The Genie?

Oh, my.

Now, I'm alone with
a wolf I can't see.

You're not alone, I'm here.

I'm still alone.

Genie, now-- now don't you
come near me, Genie.

Don't you get fresh
with me.

One more trick like that
and I'll plug you. So
help me, I will...

( screams )

Genie.

Genie, please.

Please, Genie. Genie.

That's it, Genie old boy.

Get her, get her. Oh.

Genie, not so hard.

Well, I've been around
for 2,000 years,

but there's life
in the old boy yet.

Genie, let's not
nip it up too much now.

When, when, when, when, when,
when, when, when, when.

Genie? Genie, come back
with uncle's bottle.

There's a deposit on it.

Oh, he's gonna blame me
and I get drunk on rye bread.

I'm telling you
for the 33rd time,

I don't know nothing
about the lamp.

Perhaps a little persuasion.

I don't think you guys
know the laws in this state.

When it comes to murder,
the cops don't like it.

( groans )

You're straining
the ligaments in my arm.

Remember, Canarsie,
no rough stuff.

We need them both alive
or the lamp won't
mean a thing.

Search the place.
All right.

Did you hear?

They need both of them.

Aye.

Don't make a sound, my friend.

If that door opens,
you are a dead man.

( metal clanging )

You lunkhead! What are you
trying to do, wreck the place?

Pick up those things.

All right, boss, sure.

( clanging )

( grunting )

Believe me, boss,
it was purely accidental.

Oh, you clumsy idiot.

Take it easy, boss.
Everything's gonna
be all right.

Come on outside
and lay down for a minute.

( groaning )
Boss.

Are you always so clumsy?
I'm sorry.

Get him out on the terrace,
he's gotta have fresh air.

Here. I didn't mean it, boss.

Get back.

You stay in there.
Don't lock me in here.

I don't even drink.

And now to find the other one.

( knocking on door )

SLIP: All right, you guys,
let me out of here.

Open the door.

Where are you Slip?
It's me, Louie.

Louie, Louie,
I'm over here in the pantry.

In the pantry?

That's a funny place
to have a party.

Louie, it's a tussle for
the magic lamp, you understand?

Now, get something to smash
this door in.

There goes that
crazy lamp again.

Slip, I tell you I--
Slip, I found it.

I found the lamp.

You found it?
Listen to me,
Louie, just rub it

and get that genius
to come here

and exonerate me
from my incarceration.

That means
to get me out of here.

Okay, Slip.

Are you the Genie from the--
from the-- from the lamp?

That I am, Master.
Command and I obey.

You mean-- you mean,
you'll give me everything

I--I wish for,
it's on the level?

Yes, Master.

Close your eyes
and make a wish.

You know, Genie, I...

( screaming )

Not now. We must get
the other one quickly

before the little man
spreads the alarm.

Come.

Oh, no.

Louie.
Chuck.

Chuck, Chuck, they almost
cut me up like a hot pastrami.

We're in a nest of murderers.

They got Slip locked up
in the closet.

Locked up? Where's Sach?

Don't get so excited.
Keep calm like me.

Don't do that.

Go find a filephone--
a telephone-- a telephone!

Get--call the cops. I'll stick
around and help Slip, maybe.

Oh, come on,
there must be a stairway
around here somewhere.

( knocking on door )

Okay, Duke, I'm coming.

Oh, my God. He's here.

Stay where you are.
What else?

So sorry, madame.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
That knife tickles.

Why don't you use it
where you need it the most?

Silence...
or I'll cut your heart out.

If you do, you'll have
to buy me a new suit.

Please, madame,
the lamp, quickly.

I don't know where it is.

Oh, you certainly do.

Don't you remember?
Your uncle put it in the desk.

Thanks a lot.

Sach: It was nothing.

Nobody in there.

Oh, how's the noodle, boss?
Oh.

Lumps, huh?

You guys are gonna really
have lumps if you don't
find Mahoney.

Now, spread out.

Yes, sir.

( door closes )

They got Unc.

Oh.

( music )

Heaven be praised.

Together, we shall rule
the world.

That's what you think.

Go ahead, call the Genie.
Call him, I dare you.

He can't do nothing for you.

He takes orders from me
and my buddy

and we both gotta be together.

You'll be together?

Yes, and soon.

Thank you, my friend.

And the top of the morning
to you, sir.

Oop.

Where am I going,
for a camel ride?

( music )

( screaming )

All right, Mahoney,
no more tricks.

How can I do any tricks
when this guy

has got a gun stuck
in my sacred iliac?

Besides, we ran out of
eclairs, remember?

Oh, I'd like to knock
this guy out

and tell the boss
it was an accident.

Oh, that wouldn't be honest.

( grunting )

Get going.

You talk like you got a mouth
full of subpoena.

Subpoena! What do you think
I am, a cop?

Speaking of cops, why don't we
get down to the police station

and talk this thing over
quietly?

Why don't you shut your mouth?

If I stop talking,
I'll start thinking.

Then you'll really
be in trouble.

Get in there.

Don't be so vehement.
Boss!

What happened?
Don't ask foolish questions,

get some water for him.

Water? He looks more
like he could use some
artificial perspiration.

I didn't say to drown him.

( chuckles )

Hey, hey, boss.

Boss, we're sitting pretty now.

We got the pair of them,
back to back like aces.

We ain't got nothing.

A couple of guys slugged me
and they grabbed Jones.

Yeah, they got the lamp too.

Why, those dirty crooks.

Get me up from here.

Yeah, yeah, sure, boss,
come on.

Lock that monkey in there.

Monkey?
A fat monkey.

For that remark,
you'll be severely castigated.

( banging door )

If that thing
is what I think it...

Go get the guys with the lamp.

Yeah, boss,
we'll take care of it, yeah.

Okay, don't get excited.

My, you're strong.

Ten thousand devils,

the other one has disappeared.
What? How could he?

Good ol' chief, he must have
taken lessons from the Genie.

That's funny, huh?

Jackpot!

All right, don't get excited.

Pipe down,
I'm wearing glasses.

Oh, he missed it.
Ooh, ooh, go ahead.

Line them with footwork.

( grunting )

Hey, there.

Jolly good brawl, huh?

Genie, old pal,
am I glad to see you.

You gotta do something for me.
You gotta get me out of here.

These guys wanna kill me.
I'm sorry, I can't
do a thing for you.

Your own rules,
you know. However,

I can make a suggestion.
What?

It's an ancient
Babylonian stratagem.

Scram.

( clang )

Get him. Get him.

Not them, stupid.

What a mind, what a mind.
I amaze myself.

What an exhibition.

You're a disgrace
to dear old Baghdad.

Go home.

Oh, why.

Uh-hmm.

Excellent vintage.

The fellow has marvelous
taste for a cad.

Slip? Slip?

Oh, Slip?

Looking for someone?
Yeah.

Who are you with
the fancy schmancy clothes?

You're going maybe
to a masquerade party?

Oh, I'm the slave of
the lamp, little fella.

Oh, wait a minute, I'm not
falling for that stuff again.

The last fella that
told me that, he almost
cut out my gizzards.

Oh, an imposter,

I am the real
genuine genie.

Won't you join me
in a little drink?

Make you forget
your trouble.

Maybe I will.
I like you, you know.

You remind me of
a peddler I once knew

in the marketplace in Athens,
oh, 800 years ago.

Oh, it couldn't have been me.

I was just a small child
at the time.

Isn't this a small world?
It is.

( groaning )

There you are, honey.

You'll be all right now.

It don't hurt no more,
huh, boss?

Oh, it hurts plenty.

Go find those guys
with the turbans

and get that lamp back.

And give them the same thing
they gave me, on the head!

Okay, boss.

Honey.

( groaning )

Boy, I could have a ball
in here if I was a moth.

A mothball.

Oh, Gus, the boss
says to slug anybody

who's wearing a turban
on his head.

Check.
Right.

Well, they're not only lamp
thieves,

but they do a little gambling
on the side.

( rumbling sound)

How come they never forget
to lock the door?

Boss.

Why does everybody have
to hit me on the head?

Why?

Why?

You know, when someone
finds the lamp

it's always interesting to see
what he'll wish for first.

I knew an old Roman emperor
who wished for all kinds

of rich food and he ate
himself to death.

You know, maybe he
should have wished

for some bicarbonate.

Bicarbonate.
Yeah.

Say, Genie, you got
a corkscrew around here?

Corkscrew?

Who needs a corkscrew?

That's one of the advantages
of being a genie.

Yeah?
Look.

That's pretty good.

I couldn't believe it.

Hey, Genie, remind me sometimes
to show you some card tricks.

Is that goofy character
up there?

You know, the one
with the big schnoz.

I haven't seen him.
Haven't you found him yet?
No.

He must be
around here someplace
or out on the terrace.

Oh, I'm getting out
of this madhouse.

Oh, my scarf.

Thank you.

( screams )

All right, you, now,
give me that lamp.

Oh, honey.

Oh, baby,
are you all right?

Speak to me, I'm sorry,

speak to me,
are you all right?

Oh, watch out for the nose.

Oh.

Genie, Genie, Genie,
where are you?

Oh, just when I need him
the most,

he shows up the least.

I need to get my bearings.

Where am I,
this must be the hallway.

I wish somebody
had turn on the lights.

Genie?

Genie?

Genie, where are you?

Two armed bandits out there

and one armed bandits in here.

Looks like I'm surrounded.

Genie?

Genie, Genie, where are you?

Genie? Genie? Genie?

Well, guess we'll
make a left turn.

Sach, watch it, don't move,

don't breathe,
don't even answer me.

Here comes old Sach
to the rescue.

What's the matter, chief?
Stand still,

don't levitate,
I'm--oh...

( screams )

Somebody move the ladder.

Wait for me, just wait for me.

Sach, what are you doing
out here?

Nothing, just looking
for the stairways.

Well, you better take that
hat off so you can see

because that first step
is a lulu.

Here. Let me help you.

Ow, watch out, hold it.

Gotta--gotta give me
your coordination.

Watch out for the nose.

Just let me take
your hat off.

Come on now, boss.

Get up.

Here.

( indistinct chatter )

Stupid jerk.

No, no.

Quit it, how do you
expect me to see him?

Don't kill them.
Just get them.

Just follow me, Sach.
Don't worry about a thing.

What are those, bees?

Bees?
Those are bullets, buddy.

Let's just get
around that corner,
we'll have it made.

Everything will be
perfectly all right.

Okay, chief.
( screams )

What are you pushing for?
I'm not pushing.

What's the big idea?

You made me miss him.
Yeah, you dough head.

If you bump up those guys,
who is gonna work the lamp?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, not again.

The boss.

We got to get that hat off
so you can see.

We may have to make a run
for it back to get away.

Now, listen to me closely.
Just pull in your head,

pull in your ears,
and stick out your nose.

Ready?

Nose,
that's a funny one.

Take a deep breath.

Just do what I tell...

( screams )

Oh, boy.

Fresh air,

there's nothing
like fresh air.

Hey, chief,
there's Venus and Mars.

Hello, Mars.

We're about to die,
and he's studying gastronomy.

Oh, I've had enough of this
outside air. I'm going inside.

( screams )

( screaming )

Oh, my God. Help!

Grab the other leg.

We'll be all right.
Hook it up for the minute.

Oh, will you-- what are you
doing down there? Get up here.

Who do you think is gonna
shield me from those bullets?

Oh, this is what
I call a serious dilemmania.

Chief, look, a guy just went
through a red light.

Hey, you Sunday driver,
that's dangerous.

Don't worry about it, Sach.
A cop just got him.

What are you talking about
driving in red lights

when we're up on a ledge,
getting killed?

Oh, oh, chief, chief,
call the genie.

How can we call the genie
when we ain't got no lamp.

I got the lamp.
Well, give it to me already.

Just a-- oh, hold on.
I got it here somewhere.

Quit stalling.

You can certainly take your own
sweet time about doing things.

Oh, loudmouth.

Hello, there.

Chief, chief,
he's been nipping.

I'm afraid you're right.
Look, fatso,

this is no time
to be belting that jug.

Can't you see we're in
a very omnivorous situation?

Yeah, this is
a trifle high, isn't it?

Not as high as you are.

They're on the ledge.

For the love of Pete, why
don't you knock them off?

But, Duke, we need them both

to make the genie work for us,
don't you remember?

No, no,

if they're both dead,
it stands to reason

the slave works for the guy
that gets the lamp next.

Go ahead and shoot, shoot.

Now you're talking.
Oh, boy.

( gunshots )

Look, hysterical hammie,

just get us out of here.

Yeah, take us home.

And that's an order.

Right.

Sach, what happened to you?

You look like
the thief of Baghdad.

You don't look bad yourself.

Well, what happened?

Where are we?

Baghdad.

Baghdad?

We asked you to take us home.

We are home, my home.

Look, you animated
Turkish towel,

we was referring to our
home, not your home.

Now, I demand,
return transportation.

And furthermore,
I demand that after ...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
chief, not so hasty.

I wanna go home.

( indistinct chatter )

Slip: Well, it looks like
summer vacation time at Vassar.

Girls, girls...
How are ya, girls?

don't be excited to
come up here...

( indistinct chatter )

Don't rub it too hard, my hair
is getting a little thin.

Whoever heard of fat hair?

Gorgeous.
Careful on that cuticle, cutie.

That's me under there.
Listen,

when you get through
with the fingers,

I want you
to start on the toes.

How do you shine these things?

What are we doing, camping out?

You're supposed to peel
those grapes, you know.

Well, Mr. Mahoney,
are you still in a hurry

to get back to the Bowery?

Well, I'm telling you,
genius,

I may be dissuaded
to dilly-dally

with these dillies
for a bit.

I'd invite you in,
but of course,

you're getting a little old
for this sort of thing.

Give me a year or two
to think it over.

All right, girls,
a little more action.

you're slowing down on me.

Come on. Let's get with it,
what happened to the grapes?

( screaming )

Dogs, don't you know it's death
to set foot in the harem?

What is this,
the old badger game?

Hey, Sach,
look at the Baghdad Cowboy.

Yeah, he's a pants that
jingle, jangle, jangle.

Get out of here, Sam.
Can't you see we're busy?

Guards.
Guards?

I don't like that epitaph.

Sach, we better
blow this joint. We'll take
the dames with us.

Okay. I'll bring
a small one for Louie.

Come on, girls, let's go.

What's the matter,
you're afraid?

The genie.

You have found my magic lamp.

You stay where you are, Genie.

Yeah, but this is
my rightful master.

Genie, come here.
Don't do it.

I command.
Do not obey him.

Yes, but he's got the lamp
and you-- why you...

And I'm giving the orders.

Yeah, but-- well,
I don't know whom to obey.

You have to work it out
amongst yourselves.

Very well.

Then I'll cut you two
into small pieces

and feed you to the vultures.

Wait a minute, sir.

Don't feed me to the vultures,
I'm all bone.

Feed my buddy-buddy
to the vultures,

he's got enough meat
for the both of us.

Guards!
Just a minute, mustache.

I got a very silly superstition
about staying in one piece.

I think I'll make
a little deal with you.

If you'll call off
those two embalmers
and let us out of here,

we'll give you back
your old genius.

Right, Sach?
Well, I'll have
to think it over.

Think what?
Right, right, right.

Agreed.

Send them back
whence they came.

Oh.

Whence.

( screaming )

Sach...

Now, that's what
I call a dirty trick.

I'm gonna get even with
that genius one of these days.

Chief, either you get me up
there or you come down here.

SLIP: I ain't gonna
do none of the kind.
Just get up here.

Get up on this ledge.

If you don't get me up,
I won't be much older.

Up.
Hey, boss they're back.

Oh, no.

( gunshots )

They're never gonna run out
of ammunition.

What's the matter here?

King-sized banana split's
melting away,

I'll have to call the doctor.

Come on, snap out of it.
Laugh it up. What's wrong here?

We could've had
the whole world

in all its inglorious wealth

right in the palms
of our hot little hands.

What do we got to show
for it? Nothing.

Well, at least the
vultures didn't get us.

Ah, shut up.
You booted the whole thing.

I booted? Listen, Slip,
if it wasn't for me,

you'd be the main course
at a vulture's dinner.

Genius.
Genie, old boy,

old bean,
how do you feel?

Boy, am I glad to see you.

We've got a few wishes
we'd like to make.

Now, boys, boys, I came
back because--well,

I know it sounds silly,
but because I like you.

I even enjoy bickering
with the shy and retiring,
Mr. Mahoney.

Never mind the jokes,
whiner,

what did you do
with the magic jug?

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
I don't have it.

My new master, who is not
an unreasonable man,

has kindly consented
to give you one more wish.

One apiece?
Oh, no, Mr. Mahoney,

one for all of you.

Slip, don't...
Quiet, Louie,
don't throw it away.

Chief, I've got an idea.
Nobody's interested
in your ideas.

You loused this thing up
enough already, you understand?

Now, we got a very grave
incision to make,

and I don't want you
goofing it up,
you meandering maniac.

Meandering maniac.

Insults, insults,
always insults.

I wish I had the nerve
to sock him in the chin.

( music )

( thud )

Oh, boy, I did it.

Oh, but I blew the last wish.

I really did it.

Yes, you certainly did.

Genie, Genie? Where are you,
don't leave me now.

I need protection.
I just socked the chief.

Oh, look at that
poor helpless chief.

When he wakes up, it's
gonna be poor helpless me.

I'm getting outta here.

Louie: Sach, Sach,
where are you going?

Louie, if anybody wants me,
I'm at Baghdad 8243.

Dancing girls, here I come.

( music )

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